The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week

Chapter 58: Pinkie Vs. Heat

*****

Pinkie Pie trudged of the apartment stairs of Casa Paradisio. A full, brown grocery bag in each arm. She panted as her long, pink curls clung to her and the Los Angeles sun beat down upon her, which, in combination with the aching muscles she was suffering from due to yesterday’s battle with a supervillain, made the usually easy and enjoyable trip to the grocery store a grueling one.

The whole ordeal had got her grumbling under her breath about the situation. A habit she had begun to pick up from her roommate turned boyfriend.

“Stupid muscles…stupid heat…stupid multiple vehicle pileup…” She muttered as she reached the door to apartment 8, turned the knob and fell forward onto the apartment floor.

‘Thump’

Pinkie moaned loudly, or rather she uttered the word ‘moan’ out loudly.

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

Dan glanced over from the couch, Mr. Mumbles curled up beside them as screams and yells from the T.V. filled the room.

Okay…if I ask if she needs help, she might say yes, and then I’d have to tear my eyes away from killer bee week, and I’ve already missed so much…

On the other hand, I think…maybe I’m possibly obligated to see how she’s doing as her boyfriend, now?

Pinkie cleared her throat. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

…Stupid newfound emotions of concern for girlfriend’s wellbeing…

With a heavy sigh, Dan muttered out a “Need any help?”

“Yeas, pwease.” Was the muffled response from the floor.

Dan grumbled as stood up from the couch, walked over to Pinkie, grabbed her hands, and dragged her the rest of the way into the apartment. He glanced outside, noticing an unusually high amount of police cars, crashed vehicles, and fire.

“Did you sing again?” Dan asked in a slightly accusatory tone as he closed the door.

“No…it’s too hot to sing!” Pinkie replied from the ground.

“Hot? Is that why you look like a wilted flower? Because it broke 90?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well…my muscles still sorta feel like they’re on fire.”

“Which ones?” Dan enquired.

“All the muscles. All of them.” Pinkie replied.

“Look! I got pummeled by that superhero turned villain freak and you don’t see me complaining!”

“But,” Pinkie protested, looking up with a pout, “you complained all this morning! That’s why I went out grocery shopping by myself!”

“And I appreciate it!” Dan replied with a smile, digging through the grocery bags. He pulled out a loaf of bread and some sliced turkey in a container. “Sandwich?” He offered.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Pleasie-teasie-something…something…” Pinkie said as her enthusiasm lost steam mid-reply and she slumped, face down on the apartment floor.

“Uh…Do you want me to pick you off the floor, or something?” Dan offered.

“Naw,” Pinkie responded, “iwt’s nwice and cwool dowwn here.”

Dan took a closer look at Pinkie’s attire, or lack-there-of.

“Uh…Pinkie? What are you wearing?”

Pinkie looked up. “Oooo! Oooo! I know this one…uh…clothes!” She said with a raised index finger.

“No…I mean…” Dan sighed. “Sometimes it’s like trying to have a conversation with a gerbil with you, you know that? A really goofy…airheaded gerbil.”

Pinkie stared blankly at Dan and blinked a few times.

“THEY CAN’T ALL BE GOLD!” Dan insisted forcefully. He leaned down and looped his hands under Pinkie’s arms so he could raise her and get a better look at her.

As Dan picked Pinkie off the floor, suddenly the answer to why there was such a commotion outside became clear as the two, large bouncing answers appeared right in front of his face.

“I see you’ve decided to unleash the full power of your cupcakes on an unsuspecting Van Nuys.” Dan commented as he looked over Pinkie’s pink, low cut top that was tied just under her chest, exposing her midriff.

“Huh? I haven’t attacked the town with cupcakes…” Pinkie replied. She seemed to ponder this notion for a second. “Yet…” She added. “The day is young, after all…”

Dan gave Pinkie an exasperated sigh. “I need to get you a book on euphemisms or something! I was referring to your attire.”

Pinkie looked down at her low cut top and cut-off jean shorts. “What! It’s hot!” She insisted.

“I know it’s hot! That’s the problem!”

“It know it’s a problem, that’s why I’m wearing this!”

“No…you stupid…sexy…GRAH…” Dan rapidly ran his hands over his own hair, mussing it in frustration. “What you’re wearing is hot. Get it?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No it’s not! It’s cool! That’s why I’m wearing it! Why would I want to wear something hot when it’s hot outside?”

Dan sighed and smacked a palm against his forehead, dragging it down the entire length of his face.
“Alright, nimrod, I’m going to make us some turkey sandwiches then you and I are going to attempt to have a conversation that doesn’t come off like an Abbott and Costello routine. Otherwise, I may have to duct-tape your mouth shut for a while.”

“Oh...okay!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

***

Dan grumbled irritably as he walked down the sidewalk, Pinkie behind him, her shoulders slumped and face pointed at the ground.

Dan looked up and squinted at the sun. “Alright, it is pretty hot…” He admitted.

“Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!”

“What?”

“Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!”

Dan stopped walking, sighed, and turned around.

‘Rrrrrrrip!’

“Owwie!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan tore the duct tape from her mouth.

“Right, so, what where you saying?”

Pinkie looked up at Dan. “I said, ‘Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!’”

“…You mean, you literally mumbled a reply to me?!”

“Well…you taped my mouth shut,” Pinkie explained. “I mean, it’s not like you would have understood me, anyhow.”

Dan’s eye began to twitch as he contorted his face angrily. “I…you…I…just..!”

No, Dan. You can’t kill her. You love her and all her myriad of weirdness…even if it’s a lot of weirdness…

Dan took a calming breath. “Okay, well…what would you have said had I not taped your mouth shut?”

“Oooo! I would have said. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

Dan sighed again. “Let’s just make to work before…”

‘CRASH’

“…THAT happens.”

Dan and Pinkie looked across the road at the car that had just crashed into a palm tree, the driver having been too busy staring at Pinkie to concentrate on such a difficult task as keeping his car on the road.

“Should we…should we see if they need help?” Pinkie asked.

The driver opened the door and whistled in Pinkie’s direction. “Looking GOOD, baby!”

“…I retract my previous question.” Pinkie said as she and Dan resumed their short walk to the bakery.

*

“Hey Pinkie. Hey Dan.” Wally greeted. “No costumes today, huh?”

“It’s too hot for costumes.” Pinkie whined in reply, walking past Wally with slumped shoulders and frazzled hair.

“The superhero slash villain wars are over. Dr. Jerk and Party Hard were victorious after sustaining a great deal of personal injury.” Dan announced.

“Yeah, you guys don’t look so hot…” Wally commented, looking over Dan’s collection of bruises and Pinkie’s wilted look.

“What?!” Pinkie exclaimed, turning around. “We’re super-duper hot!” Pinkie insisted.

“Uhh…” Wally took a closer look at Pinkie as his brain froze somewhere between Pinkie’s wardrobe choices and trying to process the double entendre.

“NO!” Dan roared. “Don’t even start! We’ll be here for hours.”

Wally, took out his handkerchief to towel his forehead. “Uh, right…”

“Cripple!” Dan called out. “What are we low on?”

“Hey, bro-boss! We’re low on…” Crunchy paused having caught site of Pinkie, “uh…”

Pinkie stared back at Crunchy with a confused expression on her face.

“TODAY, CRIPPLE!”

“Uhh…right…cupcakes…muffins…” Crunchy mumbled out.

Dan’s eye’s twitched irritably. “Could you maybe be…MORE SPECIFIC?!” He roared out.

“Uhhh…” Crunchy broke his ogling to stare at Dan. “I erm…just forgot…”

“HOW CAN YOU JUST..? HEY! SPACE-CASE, STOP STARING AT PINKIE AND ANSWER ME!”

Crunchy shook his head and looked back at Dan. “Sorry, bra…uh…what were we talking about.”

“GraaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dan pulled his fist back, but stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Dan!” Pinkie called out. “No assaulting co-workers during business hours!”

Dan sighed. “Alright, fine. MONKEY-FACE! YOU BACK THERE?!”

“Hey, Dan!” Chris called out from the kitchen. “What’s up?”

“I need you to come out here and give me a status update, since Pinkie broke our hippy.” Dan explained.

“Broke him?” Chris asked, as he walked out of the kitchen and behind the counter. “How did she…she…uh…wow…”

“Uh…Hey, Chris…” Pinkie said, unsure of how to react to his gawking.

Dan sighed. “Chris, that is Pinkie Pie…you’ve met her…MANY times… and while I’m quite sure you’ve never been formally introduced to her breasts, I can assure you WHAT THE BAKERY IS SHORT ON IS NOT WRITTEN ON THEM.”

“Oooo! Oooo! But we COULD write that on them!” Pinkie suggested helpfully. “At least then I’d know why everyone is staring at me!”

“They’re staring at you because you’re hot, idiot!” Dan reminded.

“But, I thought everyone would be hot.” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed.

“You know…because of the heat.”

Dan sighed deeper.

“From the sun…that’s outside.”

Sighing intensifies.

“That’s making everything hot.”

Dan looked up at Pinkie and tensed his hands into claws outstretched in front of him as if he was going to strangle her. “Pinkie?” He growled out behind clenched teeth.

“Yes, Dan?”

“Please go work the register.”

“Okie-Dokie-Lokie!” Pinkie replied enthusiastically. “La, la, la, la, laaa…” Pinkie bounded behind the counter, causing her chest to bounce with each step, in turn, causing most the males in the bakery to follower her with their eyes as their heads bobbed up and down.

“WHAT THE HECK?!” Dan exclaimed out at the dining area with surprise. “We’re in L.A.! Haven’t you all seen pretty girls before?”

Many of the women in the bakery muttered in agreement.

“I mean…SURE she’s got a perfect hourglass figure and is drop dead gorgeous, with her long, pink, curly hair flowing behind her like, soft pink clouds in the bre…”

“Uh, Dan?” Chris interrupted.

“WHAT?!”

“Not helping…” Chris informed quietly.

“Awww,” Pinkie interjected with a giant grin, “I was enjoying it…”

“YOU!” Dan said leveling an angry index finger at Pinkie. “Register!” He demanded.

Pinkie gave Dan a smile and a salute.

“YOU!” Dan said, wheeling his angry index finger on Chris. “WHAT IS THE BAKERY SHORT ON?”

Chris smiled pensively. “Uh…”

Dan smacked both palms against his face. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“…Sorry…” Chris offered.

“Don’t be sorry! Be DEAD.” Dan growled out angrily. “I can’t BELIEVE I’M THE RESPONSIBLE ONE HERE! WHAT MADNESS HAS PINKIE UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD?!”

“Oooo! Is it chocolate?! Did I unleash chocolate? I COULD release chocolate! I mean, how awesome would that…”

“REGISTER!” Dan roared out.

“Uh…right away, Danny-manny…” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed the deepest sigh of all. “This is what it’s come to…CROSS-EYED GIRL!”

D.H. popped her head out of the kitchen, her face smudged with white frosting. “Yes, Mr. Boss?”

“Get out here and tell me what we’re low on! Also, for the record, you are my last resort!”

D.H. stepped out, revealing that she was:

A. Covered in white frosting.

B. Wearing a low cut top that, like Pinkie, exposed her midriff.

C. Wearing micro-miniskirt that only extended a few inches below her waist.

Dan closed his eyes and massaged his temples as one of the male customers collapsed to the floor.

“Huh…must be the heat…” Pinkie commented.

Chris chuckled. “Oh, it’s hot alright…”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HEAR THE SAME STUPID PUN IN ONE DAY?!” Dan roared. “Girl-whose-name-I-don’t-know, FIRST, what are we low on.”

“OH! Uh…Rainbow Cupcakes, Vanilla Nut Muffins, MMMMMs, Cranberry Muffins, and Chocolate explosion cupcakes!” She responded with a grin.

Dan allowed himself to calm down a bit. “Second, why are you dressed like that?”

D.H. looked down at her attire with a confused expression. “What? It’s HOT!” She insisted.

“Geez, I know, right?” Pinkie added.

Dan sighed.

“Yeah! I mean, what temperature is it outside?! Some really high number?!” D.H. suggested.

Dan sighed deeper.

“This world needs someone who can control the sun!” Pinkie insisted.

Sighing intensifies.

“Yeah! The sun that is making everything hot!” D.H. added.

“ENOUGH!” Dan roared. “Are you going to sell anything!?”

“Oh…RIGHT!” Pinkie replied. She looked forward towards a male customer whose face seemed to be stuck in the down ‘position’. “Uhhh…Can I get you something…”

“…Food…cupcake food…” The bakery patron uttered out.

“Uh…what kind of cupcake?” Pinkie asked as she looked down trying to figure out what seemingly invisible thing on her chest everyone kept staring at.

“Two…cupcakes…uh…”

“JUST GRAB TWO RANDOM CUPCAKES AND SELL THEM TO HIM!” Dan demanded.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie replied. “Owie!” She exclaimed as she leaned down, the her muscles painfully reminding her that every one of them was aching.

“Gwaaah..?” The patron uttered as Pinkie leaned down and stayed there.

Dan merely sighed at the sad display in front of him.

“Oh! Are you alright?!” D.H. asked with a touch of concern, she leaned down to help Pinkie.

“…”

‘BANG’

‘Thump’

Dan watched as the customer at the register passed out on the spot. Banging his head against the counter on the way to his final destination on the floor.

Pinkie and D.H. leaned forward and peered over the counter.

“Huh…must be the heat.” Pinkie suggested.

D.H. nodded. “It is rather hot out, today.”

Dan buried his face in both palms. “NEXT!” He shouted out. He looked up at Chris and Crunchy and motioned for them to remove the collapsed man from in front of the register.

This time a female walked u. “Uh…one Chocolate Muffin?”

“Of course!” Pinkie replied.

D.H. quickly retrieved the order AS Pinkie made change.

Dan glowered out at all the males in the store. “There! That’s how it’s done!” He looked at the next person in line, a man once again. “Now you try!”

“Uh…I would like…TWO DOZEN CUPCAKES AND MUFFINS!” He announced.

“Sure!” Pinkie replied happily. “Uh…which ones?”

“I erm…didn’t think that far…” The man admitted.

“YOU’RE THE PRINCESS OF RANDOM!” Dan shouted. “JUST PICK RANDOMLY!”

“Aye, Aye, sir!” Pinkie replied. Pinkie winced again as she leaned down.

“Here! Let me help!” D.H. insisted, leaning down.

“…”

‘BANG’

‘Thump’

“GRAH!” Dan roared in frustration. “That is IT! Chris, since you seem to have some degree of self-control despite your constant ogling…”

Chris’s face flushed as he broke eye contact with Pinkie’s and D.H.’s chest and looked over at Dan.

“…you can retrieve this man’s wallet, help him pay for his order and drag him and his food out into the parking lot.”

“Uh…Dan? That doesn’t seem legal…or ethical…” Chris replied.

“Serves him right for not being able to handle two women in low cut tops.” Dan glanced into the dining room area. “AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!”

Dan’s question was met with a chorus of agreement from the females in the bakery.

Dan looked back at Chris and motioned out into the dining area. “The mob has spoken, monkey-face.” He turned to Crunchy and began snapping his fingers in front of the hippies face. “HEY! HIPPY!”

“Uh…yes, boss-bro?”

“You’re helping me bake.”

“Sure, dude.”

Dan turned back to dining area. “I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise. Gentlemen, I wash my hand of this weirdness.” He announced, followed by him turning towards the kitchen.

Pinkie giggled. “You’re the awesomest take charge dork, ever.”

“REGISTER!” Dan yelled back.

***

“Uh…Dan…” Chris called from the kitchen doorway. “I’m running out of room for all the unconscious guys in front of the store…”

“So?” Dan replied without looking up from the bowl he was currently hand mixing. “Stack them on top of each other…or throw them in the street! They knew the risks of ordering baked goods from those two, and they RAN headlong towards the danger.”

Chris sighed. “I’ll figure something out…”

“Yes, good, you do that.” Dan replied disinterested.

“Hey, Mr. Boss, is that order of Raspberry Cream cupcakes ready?” D.H. called out from the kitchen doorway.

Dan pointed to a tray without looking up.

“Thanks, Mr. Boss!” D.H. replied.

Dan went back to his mixing, which was quickly interrupted by the sound of…

“WAH! LOOK OUT!”

‘Splat’

‘Crash’

Dan gave the largest sigh of all, unseating his previous deep sigh for number one sigh of all time.

“Sorry, Pinkie!” D.H. called out. “Oh, I got frosting all over you!”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s okay, D.H. I’m used to you covering me with frosting…I’ll just…OW! Stupid muscles!”

“Here, let me get that…”

Dan paused as he heard a chorus of ‘Thud’s.

“Uh…should we check it out, boss-man?” Crunchy asked.

“FINE!” Dan growled out, trudging out of the kitchen. “But if there’s more unconscious dudes, you’re helping drag them out into the street.”

Dan and Crunchy walked out where the sight of a white frosting covered D.H. with a hand down a white frosting covered Pinkie Pie’s shirt greeted them as Pinkie moaned quietly in response.

Before Dan could say anything, Crunchy lost the ability to hold himself upright and collapsed onto the floor.

“OH, COME ON!” Dan shouted.

“Hey, Dan!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “D.H. was just helping me get a cupcake out of my shirt!” She explained, as D.H. continued to clumsily fumble her hand around Pinkie’s low cut top. “I’d get it myself, but my muscles are…”, Pinkie winced and moaned painfully, “…really hurting me…” She exclaimed.

Dan sighed. “I give up. Why don’t you two just start doing something really ridiculous, like…I don’t know…cleaning each other off with saliva covered digits or something?”

“Oh! Good idea!” Pinkie replied. She licked her thumb and leaned in closer to D.H., pressing her chest against the other girl’s as she smeared her thumb against her face.

There was a great disturbance in the bakery, as if several dozen men all cried out in joy and were suddenly silenced.

‘THUD’

“Wow, some heat, huh?” Pinkie said, as she stood practically embracing her co-worker and looking out into the forest of fallen males and upright, embarrassed and angry looking women with the odd, nonplused man here or there.

“You’re telling me!” D.H. responded.

Dan nodded satisfactorily. “Good, now do something sensible like CLEAN YOURSELVES OFF IN THE FRICKIN’ BATHROOM!” Dan yelled out.

“OH! That’s an even BETTER idea!” Pinkie replied.

Dan manned the register as the two girls bounded off towards the ladies restroom.

Chris walked in and froze, as his eyes darted across the male covered floor. “I…but…I can’t…HOW?!”

“HOP TO, MONKEY FACE! WE NEED TO GET THESE LOITERS OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.”

Chris sighed deeply. “Right away, Dan…”

***

“So…tired…” Chris mumbled out as he trudged away from the bakery.

“So…hot and achy!” Pinkie moaned as she trudged away from the bakery.

“So…ANGRY!” Dan yelled as he trudged away from the bakery.

The three walked down the streetlight lit sidewalk where they were headlights soon added to the illumination.

“Hey, gang!” Elise called from a familiar blue sedan. “I couldn’t park in the in parking lot because it’s full of unconscious guys and boxes of muffins and cupcakes.” She explained. “Uh…wow…” She added looking over the group. “Rough day?”

“I had to drag men out all day!” Chris explained.

“And it was so hot and my muscles were on fire!” Pinkie added.

“And I had to deal with a bakery full of IDIOTS!” Dan roared out. “Present company included!”

“Uh…How about we all go to dinner?” Elise suggested.

“Oooo! Great idea, Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Chris smiled and nodded in agreement.

“How about instead we go to one of those places people want to go when they want to forget the past day’s events by consuming unhealthy amounts of alcohol?” Dan suggested.

“Uh…a bar?” Elise asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure! Whatever!” Dan replied. “ANYTHING to help me forget today!”

“I could always hit you in the head with your bat until you forget!” Pinkie suggested in her typical chipper tone.

“Aw, that’s sweet.” Dan replied with a smile. “But you’re still in pain from yesterday, I wouldn’t want you to strain yourself, goofball.”

“Awww…” Pinkie leaned in to kiss her boyfriend on the lips.

Chris and Elise paused.

“Uh…that was seriously a tender moment between those two, wasn’t it?” Elise asked her husband.

Chris nodded his head. “You should see the stuff they get up to at work… the break room still has blood on the walls from couples only blunt force trauma induced amnesia sessions.”

“Uh…you know what? I could use a drink, too.” Elise added.

With that, the two couples entered the car.

Author's Notes:

Maybe I should go back to the previous chapter and add Misato from Eva advertising this chapter for it's fanservice.

Heron Brokengear is once again to blame for inspiring this madness, and probably a little bit of the next chapter as well.