The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga

by Justice3442

First published 11th of September, 2013

Pinkie Pie finds herself adjusting to a new, hostile world, with a new hostile friend. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

A former pink pony finds herself in a new, hostile world and a new friend who's perhaps even more hostile. A small, angry man finds himself with a new friend he didn't want. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

Cover art used with permission from Technaro.

Part 1 Pinkie Pie Vs. Van Nuys: Prologue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1

Prologue

Pinkie Pie looked towards the silhouette of her friend Twilight Sparkle, who was sitting in front of the window of Rarity’s Boutique. Pinkie was being kept away from any windows so she couldn’t be seen from the outside. Having to keep quiet was bad enough, but not being able to even look outside was maddening.

These things were very hard to see in the darkness, and had picked a good night to attack. It was bad enough that it was night, but clouds blocked the moon and rain pounded the outside.

“Don’t worry Twilight! I’m SURE they just want to make friends!” Pinkie said, hopefully.

Twilight glanced behind her at her bubbly, pink pony friend. “I don’t think so, Pinkie.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash spoke up, “friends usually don’t demand to have you handed over and try to kidnap ya’.”

“MAYBE they just have an extra special surprise for me!” Pinkie said, smiling. Though, she was having trouble getting her smiles to look genuine at this point.

“Darling,” Rarity said as she put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder, “I’m not sure what sort of surprises sinister-looking shapeless blue, black clouds have, but it’s doubtful you want to find out.”

“You said it, partner,” Applejack added. “I don’t know what those things were, but they’re nothing but trouble.”

“Do you think they maybe gave up?” Fluttershy asked, with a tremble in her voice.

“I doubt that, Fluttershy,” Twilight responded. “They seemed to really want Pinkie for some reason,” she added with concern.

Applejack spoke up, ”Well, ah hope Spike gets back here soon. Not being able to kick these things has got me mighty unsettled.”

Twilight went back to scanning the darkness outside of Rarity’s boutique. These ‘shapeless blue, black clouds’ had identified themselves as ‘The Order Keepers’ and demanded that Princess Twilight Sparkle hand over ‘The Warper’ as she and her friends were out prepping for a storm the Pegasi had scheduled. Before Twilight had time to answer, Pinkie popped out and tried to welcome them. Their immediate response was to shift and surrounded her as a swirling mass of dark blue clouds.

Twilight had used her magic to keep them at bay. But as Pinkie’s other friends came to their aid, it became apparent that these things did little more than billow out of the way of physical attacks.

Twilight had held them off long enough for the others to run to Rarity’s and hide. She then sent Spike off to fetch a book she thought might give her some insight into the situation. Though, she was starting to regret sending Spike off on his own. She stole a small glance at Rarity. She wasn’t confident Rarity had the raw magical energy needed to fend a large amount of these things off, but she was getting less and less confident by the second that these things focusing on Pinkie Pie would keep the otherwise defenseless dragon safe.

“Do you think he’ll be here soon?” Fluttershy asked meekly.

“Oh, don’t worry about Spiky-wiky. He’s a tough little dragon,” Rarity offered.

“Darn tootin'! He once took out a giant timberwolf with a single rock!” Applejack added.

“Ah, Applejack, I don’t think ‘a rock’ is going to help much against these things,” Rainbow Dash retorted.

“Rainbow Dash, when are you going to learn there are just some things you’re better off keeping to yourself?” Applejack responded, closing the distance between her and the blue pegasus.

“STOP FIGHTING!” Pinkie Pie yelled at the pair. “Spike will be back with the book in no time, and we’ll be able to resolve this peacefully, then we can all have a giant party at Sugarcube Corner, and everything will be just fine! You’ll see.”

Everypony turned to look at Pinkie. Her perky and optimistic attitude seemed to be visibly crumbling at this point, and it was becoming apparent that she was as shaken up by recent events as anypony.

Twilight looked back out the window and her face lit up. “He’s back!” She opened the door without a second thought.

“Hey everypony! I grabbed the book just like you asked!” Spike cheerfully held up a large, dusty tome that was even bigger than the little dragon himself. “Uh…sorry if it’s a little wet…” Spike added.

Twilight simply smiled in response. “Good work Spike.” Twilight shut the door behind the baby dragon and a purple glow surrounded the book as Twilight levitated it in front of her and flipped the pages. “Now all I have to do is research a way to deal with these things and send them back to where they came from.” Twilight paused and thought about this for a second. “Huh...I wonder if we’ll need to go out and and get items for my workshop, too…” A flash of lightning flashed behind the purple Alicorn followed by roaring thunder.

The other five ponies took a long, hard look at the pounding rain and howling wind outside.

“Ah, Twilight?” Applejack interjected. “I hate ta be a stick in the mud, but I think there may be a just a little problem with that there plan.”

“It…it’s okay everypa…pony…” Pinkie said, stuttering her words through chattering teeth. “It’s ja…just a little rain!” She insisted. “Who do…doesn’t like a li…little sta…stroll in the rain from time ta…to time?”

Rarity raised a forehoof into the air.

“Rarity, you can dry your mane later! This is serious!” Rainbow Dash insisted.

“Well…she asked!” Rarity argued, motioning out to Pinkie with her forehooves.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Besides! It’s those things we need to worry about more than the weather!”

Pinkie’s teeth chattering increased as her eyes darted from side to side.

“Rainbow Dash? Remember that thing I said about keeping certain things to yourself?” Applejack reminded sternly.

“Oops. Sorry, Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash offered.

“It...it’s okay Da…Dashie. Everything will ba…be fi…fine you’ll see.” Pinkie said, forcing an unnatural looking smile.

Fluttershy trotted over to her trembling friend and placed comforting forelegs around her. “Goodness Pinkie, you’re more scared than me.”

Pinkie merely shivered in response.

“It’s okay, Pinkie.” Fluttershy said with a soft smile. “As long as we’re all together, everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

Pinkie took a few calming breaths and gained some control of her shaking. “Well, I’d feel a lot better if my knee wasn’t so achy-wachy.”

“Don’t worry.” Twilight insisted looking towards her scared friend. “I’m sure the book…”

Twilight was cut short as the door behind her flew open once more. She had little time to react as dozens of eyes peered out of the darkness.

A deep blue bolt shot out from the swirling mass. From somewhere in the shadows of the boutique, a red energy blast intercepted it.

As the combined energies approached, Pinkie quickly pushed Fluttershy away, and before she could so much as scream, Pinkie’s vision went blue and red.

Pinkie’s world instantly shifted to a swirling vortex of color as she felt her limbs being stretched out and her fur give way to some sort of fabric. The swirling void soon shifted to hard and solid ground.

She tried to stand back up on her hoofs but realized her back legs were now substantially longer and that her front hooves had apparently been replaced by…something that ended with digits of some sort.

What did Twilight call them?

Oh yeah, ‘hands’.

She steadied herself against a large pole covered in various flyers as she came to her… ‘feet’ she remembered them being called.

She had made Twilight tell the story of how she went to the human world, over and over again so she at least had SOME idea of what was going on.

Her fur had apparently been replaced with a blue and white top with a heart in the middle and a pink skirt that prominently bared her cutie mark. She let go of the pole and steadied herself on her blue boots that had white laces with pink bows at the top.

She looked around at her surroundings. She was outside, and just her luck, it was pouring rain down here as well. She also seemed to be carrying a large, pink handbag of some sort.

Lights lit up streets in all directions, and not a single direction looked inviting.

As she was pondering what to do next, a large, tall figure stepped out of a nearby alley.

Pinkie turned to greet her new friend, but her smile quickly turned to dread as she looked at the imposing figure above her. The hungry look in his eyes didn’t make Pinkie confident that he was here to make friends, but always the optimist, she figured it couldn’t hurt to try.

“My…my name’s Pinkie Pie? What’s yours?” Pinkie stammered out.

“Heh, names aren’t important now. What’s important is that you have something I want,” the large man said grimly. “Let’s start with that nice looking computer case, shall we? And then we can see where the night takes us from there.”

Pinkie backed up a few inches against the pole, and tried to fight past her fear to manage a scream.

As the man reached out for her, an angry voice rang out behind him.

“HEY, GLANDULAR PROBLEM! You’re in the way.”

The large man turned and Pinkie moved her head so they both could see the owner of the voice: a short man wearing jeans and a green jacket over a black shirt that prominently displayed the word ‘JERK’ on it. The look on his face seemed to be an equal amount of pure rage and annoyance as he gritted pointed looking teeth.

Pinkie wasn’t sure if she was saved or if the night had just gotten worse.

Author's Notes:

Revised Revised Revised Revised version (I'LL NEVER BE PRETTY!)

Thanks to user Ryouga1100 for the mass of edits.

While I'm at it, thanks to user Unoriginal for keeping me on my toes over many many chapters regarding my word choice and grammar errors.

Thanks to everyone else whose pitched in, too, of course! You're all helping make this the best fan-fic it can be.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 1 Dan Vs. Mugger

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys

Chapter 1 Dan Vs. Mugger

The large man turned back to his prey briefly. “Stay there,” he commanded.

Pinkie wasn’t sure if she was up to getting very far on her new legs. Anyhow, part of her wanted to see how this played out.

“Listen, buddy,” The large man walked within inches of the smaller, angry man and stood tall just to help point out he stood a good foot or more taller than his opponent, “I think you better move on. This ain’t your business.”

The shorter man grinned. “And I think you better stop, drop and, roll, pal.”

The smell of burning fabric caught the large man’s attention as he looked down to see a hip flask that had some of its contents spilled onto him, a lighter which had IGNITED said contents, and the important fact that his clothing was, in fact, on fire.

His tough guy act evaporated in an instant as his voice gave way to panicked screaming and flailing at his fiery clothing.

“Listen, buddy. Maybe you didn’t hear me, I said STOP..” The angry man threw a right hook that caught the large, failing man right on the jaw. “..DROP..” He followed with a well-placed kick to the man’s knee that caused him to lose his footing and hit the ground hard. “..And ROLL!” The angry man launched a flurry of kicks to the larger man’s gut. The would-be mugger dropped a small box from his pocket and fled into the street, a run cut short by a blue sedan rounding the corner and slamming into him.

The driver’s door flew open, and a tall, lanky, man in flip-flops, khakis, and an unbuttoned orange shirt over a blue shirt quickly emerged. “Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH! Don’t tell me I hit another cyclist!”

“Niiiiiiice assist, Chris!” the man in the ‘JERK’ t-shirt called at the driver.

“Dan, I can’t keep going out with you like this if it means vehicular manslaughter.”

“Relax, Chris,” Dan responded, putting his arm around his much larger friend and pointing an assertive finger at him. “You just took out a mugger fleeing the scene of an attempted crime. We’re pretty much heroes here.”

Chris expression visibly brightened. “Really?”

Pinkie just stared at the scene, her brain trying desperately to catch up with what she just witnessed.

“Hey, he dropped loot.” Dan bent down to pick up the small box the man left. He opened it up to reveal a handful of small cylindrical objects.

“Dan, you don’t smoke. In fact, you lecture on and on about how cigarettes are just a tool to keep”--Chris raised his hands for some air quotes--“‘the moron population down’.”

“Listen, if you defeat someone, you’re supposed to eat their heart to absorb their power, and since I’m not a cannibal…”

Dan put one of the cigarettes to his mouth and lit the tip with his golden zippo lighter. As the small flame lit his face against the gloom of the rainy night, Pinkie couldn't help but think to herself that Dan looked pretty cool.

Dan took a puff and his face went green as he let loose a hacking cough that brought him to his knees. Pinkie stumbled over to help him up as Dan tossed the cigarette angrily on the ground. “HE TRIED TO POISON ME!” Dan leaned on Pinkie as he delivered a few well-placed kicks into the large man’s gut who softly grunted in reply.

“Dan, you lit the wrong end,” Chris replied flatly.

Dan regained his footing. “CHRIS, WHY DID YOU LET ME SMOKE THIS!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

Chris rolled his eyes. Before Dan could continue his tirade, a high pitched voice interrupted his vitriol.

“THAT WAS AAAAMAAAAAZING!” Pinkie Pie threw her arms around Dan’s neck and embraced him tightly, “THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUSOMUCH!” She stood a good few inches above the rather short man, and he found her grip surprisingly strong.

Dan’s face turned red as he struggled to breathe. “Chris, help! This girl is obviously part of some dastardly trap to kill me!”

“I’m pretty sure she’s just thanking you.”

Pinkie’s grip loosened.

“That’s EXACTLY what she WANTS you to think,” Dan said leveling an accusing finger at Chris.

“And thank YOU, too!” Pinkie threw her arms around Chris’s torso, and he smiled, enjoying the very rare occasion of one of Dan’s revenge schemes doing some good for a change.

“Great, we’re thanked. Can you move along? We’re kinda busy…”

“Ohmygosh, OHMYGOSH that guy was all gonna grab me, and then fwoosh!” Pinkie spread her hands out and wiggled her new fingers to simulate fire. “Then you were like pow,” Pinkie threw a punch in the air for effect, “right in his face! And then snap,” Pinkie kicked her leg out, “Right to the knee, and-WHAAA.” Pinkie lost her footing and fell strait to the ground.

Chris and Dan watched this display with very different expressions. Chris had a blank look focused on the girl, while Dan looked increasingly annoyed.

As quickly as she had fallen, Pinkie stood back up. “I’m ooookaaaay!” she assured.

“Dan, did you set that man on fire?”

Dan giggled to himself. “Heheh, yeah…”

“Since when do you carry a hip flask?” Chris asked pointing to the flask that Dan had shoved back into his pocket.

“Since I needed some fuel on me to quickly start fires! Keep up, will you?”

“Don’t tell me there’s gasoline in that thing.”

“What am I, psychotic?”

Chris opened his mouth to answer, than thought better of it.

“It’s Everclear.” Dan turned to face Pinkie. “Well it’s been weird, erm…”

“Oh my gosh! I’m being sooo rude! My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie! But you can call me Pinkie!” Pinkie smiled from ear to ear.

“Riiiiight…” Dan leaned in closer to Chris and moved his hand in close so only Chris could hear: “What kind of stupid name is that?”

Chris ignored Dan and extended his hand. “Hi! I’m Chris.”

Pinkie tentatively extended her hand, looked at it, then grabbed Chris’s hand and gave it a vigorous shake.

“Daaan, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice la-OW!” Chris yelped as Dan threw a quick punch into his arm.

“You talk to me like a child, I punchy you!”

Pinkie giggled. “Dan, was it?” Pinkie extended her hand.

Dan looked down at her hand, glared, and spat in it.

“DAN! That is not how we make friends!”

“WHAT DID I JU…” much to both Chris’s and Dan’s surprise, Pinkie then spat in her own hand and quickly reached for Dan’s and gave it a good shake.

“Does this mean we’re extra, SUPER, special friends!?” she said with a smile.

“Eww! Gross! Unsanitary! UNHAND ME, WENCH!” Dan yelled as he tried to pry his hand free of Pinkie's very moist grasp.

The signs of a smile quickly entered into Chris’s face and gave way to uproarious laughter.

Dan whirled around to face Chris. “And you! Stop encouraging her!”

Pinkie giggled. “You two are really funny.”

Dan glared at her. “Well Pinkie,” Dan said, his voice laced with venom, “it’s been weird and gross, but we need to get going, and…”

“Go? Go…right…” Pinkie started to pout, looked down, and played with her skirt hem absent mindedly as rain pelted her.

Dan just glared, not sure how to react.

Chris broke the silence, “Hey, Pinkie. How about I give you a ride somewhere?”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up “Really, really?! That would be amazing!”

“WHAT?! No way! Uh-uh there’s no way that...” Dan quickly found a hand covering his mouth as Chris dragged him off to the side.

“Ouch!” Chris pulled his hand away and gave it a shake. “You bit me!”

“That’s what you get for manhandling me, you ape. And before you say something, no, she is NOT coming with us.”

“Okay, first: it’s my car; if I want to give her a ride, I will.”

“TREACHERY! THIS WILL NOT STAND!”

“Second: For once after dozens, if not hundreds, of schemes, I actually feel really good about what happened. And you’re not going to take that away from me.”

Dan went silent, folded his arms and looked to the side.

“Third: I can’t in good conscience just leave her to wander the streets of Van Nuys to be picked up by the next mugger-potential rapist that happens upon her.”

Dan attempted another tactic, whining to get his way, “But she’s all huggy, and loud, and icky…”

“Fourth: it’s pouring rain and I don’t want to be out here getting drenched as we put out your stupid flyers.”

“The noble war on the apostrophe must continue!”

“Can’t it wait ‘till its daylight and not pouring rain?”

Dan mumbled a few obscenities under his breath and answered, “Fine, but let me finish up here.”

Chris smiled and waved to Pinkie as Dan approached her.

“SO! What are we going to do first?! Huh? Huh? Oh, I just know we’re going to be the bestest of friends for ever, and EVER, and…”

“You talk too much,” Dan said coldly.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I know I tend to ramble, and it annoys some ponies, and I should really learn…”

Dan raised an eyebrow at 'ponies'. “You’re in my way, pink girl,” he answered in lieu of addressing the strange turn of phrase.

“Oh, I…” Pinkie shifted over allowing Dan to approach the pole she had been standing in front of.

Dan pulled out a now rather crinkled sheet of paper and a staple gun and affixed it to the pole. He smiled, admiring his handy work.

“So, ummm…Dan….”

Dan turned to face Pinkie and moved his face within inches of hers, causing Pinkie to shift back a half step. “I don’t like you.”

“Oh well, I’m sure when you get to know me we’ll be great friends,” Pinkie insisted with an anxious smile.

“I already have ONE minion.” Dan motioned to Chris who had entered the car “I don’t need another.”

Dan kept walking.

“ONE minio…I mean friend?! No WAY! I can never have enough friends!”

Dan turned on his heels. “LISTEN! I’m sure this shtick tricks plenty of other saps, but…”

Dan was interrupted by a horn honking.

“Dan! Leave the poor girl alone! We need to get her out of the rain.”

“GAHHHH!” Dan yelled in frustration and trudged towards to the car.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and simply stood around looking pensive.

Before Chris could react, Dan poured the rest of his Everclear onto the unconscious man.

“Oh dear,” Chris uttered as Dan gleefully sparked his lighter and set the unconscious man on fire... again. The recently motionless man suddenly woke up, screaming in pain. He fled into the night, despite the shooting pain in his broken and damaged body.

Pinkie simply stared in disbelief, and muttered, “Sooo cool,” to herself.

Dan looked back at Pinkie and scowled. “ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?!”

Pinkie smiled hard enough to make a tiny squee sound and bounded to the car, falling once on the way over, and quickly picking herself back up.

“Seriously?” Dan asked from the passenger seat as he buckled up. “She can’t even walk right,” he said, angrily motioning to the girl outside.

“Dan, did you have to set that man on fire…AGAIN?!”

Dan chuckled to himself, “Hehe, yeah… anyhow, I already told you, we’re doing a service here.”

Chris said nothing and watched Pinkie through his side view mirror.

“Dan…ummm…I don’t think she knows how to open car doors,” Chris said in a tone of genuine surprise.

“What? Seriously?!” Dan looked out the window to see a perplexed Pinkie Pie staring at one of the car doors. “This is unbelievable!”

Dan quickly undid his seatbelt and exited the car. He walked over to the driver side backseat door, shoved Pinkie back a few feet, and then opened the door.

“Ooooooooooh,” Pinkie uttered as if she had just achieved some sort of enlightenment watching Dan open the car door with his hand.

“GET IN THERE!” Dan yelled as he roughly pushed Pinkie into the back seat.

Pinkie hit a stack of papers face first, spreading the mass across the back seat.

“AND DON’T MESS THOSE UP! THEY’RE PART OF AN IMPORTANT AGENDA AGAINST THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!”

Pinkie sat upright and quickly tried to fix the pile of papers she had just messed up with her face, or rather, the pile Dan had messed up with her face, though the distinction was lost on her at this point.

Chris shot his friend a look that said, 'Really? You really just pushed a girl like that?' as Dan reentered the car and buckled up.

Dan shot him a look that just screamed 'mind your own damn business.'

Pinkie finished straightening the papers she could reach and sprang upright in the seat. "I'm up!" she announced to the men in front.

Dan sighed and shook his head as Chris started the car and continued forward.

It's going to be a loooong night.

Author's Notes:

Revised Revised edition.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys

Chapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt

“So…what do you think?” Dan whispered to his buddy in the driver seat as the car pulled along

Pinkie held up one of Dan’s flyers to her face and squinted at it intently as street lights washed the inside of the car in light to return to dark, over and over again.

“I just think she’s a poor, lost girl who wandered a little further than she meant,” Chris answered.

“Yes, because that TOTALLY explains why such concepts such as car doors and walking elude her.”

“Well, where do you think she came from?”

“I already told you! She’s obviously a spy of some sort sent to kill me.”

“Dan, I don’t think she’s a spy.”

“Give me one good reason why my spy hypotheses wouldn’t work!”

“She’s awfully uncoordinated for a spy.”

“Pshaw!” Dan waved his hand dismissively. “She’s obviously just doing that to lead us into a false sense of security.”

“She’s laying it on awfully thick, then, don’t you think?” Chris said, raising his eyebrows for emphasis.

“OK, so she’s a bad spy!”

“Do you think they teach spies to pretend to not understand car doors as part of their elaborate act to get close to a target?” Chris asked sarcastically.

“I DON’T KNOW! I’M NOT AN EXPERT ON SPIES!”

“Gee, you're right. Guess I’ll just call MY WIFE and ask her what she thinks!”

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Touché, Chris. Touché.”

“Anyway,” Chris added, “if she had any sort of weapon, she probably could have taken us both out when she thanked us.”

Dan began to look like he was going to retort, but was interrupted as Pinkie burst into fits of laughter.

Dan turned to see the young lady holding one of his fliers as laughter continued to erupt from her.

“And what do you think is so amusing?”

“Thi…hehe…this….PFFFT HAHAHAHAHA…This comic is really funny…hehe!”

“GIVE ME THAT!” Dan snatched the piece of paper out of Pinkies hand, neatly folded it, and roughly stuffed it in his jacket pocket. “That is not a comic! It is a call to arms!”

“Dan, I’m pretty sure that thing was satirical in nature,” Chris interjected.

“I will NOT sit here and let you besmirch the great Notley’s work that way!” Dan glanced back at Pinkie. “CHRIS STOP THE CAR, RIGHT NOW!”

Chris let out a confused and alarmed sound and slammed his foot on the brake pedal.

Pinkie, likewise, let out a confused and alarmed sound as she lurched forward with nothing to stop her until she hit the transmission hump with her face.

“Dan! What the heck?!” Chris demanded.

“Owie…” Pinkie mumbled as she slowly got up, rubbing her forehead.

“And that, children, is why we buckle up when we get in a car.”

Pinkie stared at Dan blankly; still leaning forward; her face several inches from his.

Dan closed the distance to less than two inches. “SIT DOWN AND PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON!” he roared in her face.

Pinkie sprung back into the driver’s side rear seat. Still maintaining eye contact with Dan. “Um…erm…” she blushed and gave an embarrassed smile. “What’s a seat belt?”

Dan stared at her shocked, even Chris had turned back at this point to stare at her wide-eyed and in disbelief.

“Unbelievable,” Dan muttered as he smacked his palm against his face and dragged hand down. He undid his own seatbelt and leaned on the transmission hump so he could better indicate what he was talking about with his hands.

“Grab the buckle,” Dan said pointing at the buckle, which Pinkie grabbed.

“Now grab the metal tongue.” Dan pointed to the metal tongue of the seatbelt, hanging off the belt. Pinkie obediently grabbed it.

“I thought the metal part was the buckle.” Chris interrupted.

“NO, you simpleton! The buckle is the female end, and the tongue is the male end!”

“Are they married?” Pinkie asked.

“SHUT UP! Now put the tongue into the hole on the buckle,” Dan commanded.

Pinkie did as commanded and heard a satisfying ‘click’ sound. Then let go, quite pleased with herself.

“There, was that so hard?” Dan asked condescendingly.

Chris smiled and pushed his foot down hard on the accelerator, causing the car to lurch forward and Dan to slip and slam his chest on the transmission hump. Pinkie looked surprised for a second, then stifled a giggle with her hand.

Dan turned around and pointed accusingly at Chris. “YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!” he snarled, wheezing to catch his breath.

“Sorry, I thought we were all buckled in,” Chris’s grin grew wider. “It’s dangerous to be in a car with your seatbelt off, you know?”

Pinkie’s hand proved insufficient to stifle her giggles and laughter filled the car once more.

Dan let out a series of incomprehensible growls of rage and attempted to lunge at Chris who quickly tapped the accelerator again, causing Dan to wobble.

Dan sat back down and buckled his seatbelt.

“So, anyone hungry?” Chris asked.

Dan made a disgusted sound, “Ugh, you’re always hungry.”

“Hey, taking down a mugger is hard work,” Chris retorted, “I think we deserve a break.”

“I took out the mugger.” Dan said, pointing towards himself. “YOU”--Dan pointed back at Chris--“just barreled into him with your car.”

“Look, do you want a burger or not?”

Dan grumbled. “You’re paying…”

“Oh like THAT’S a surprise!” Chris said rolling his eyes.

“Don’t get snippy!” Dan said, leveling the next in a series of dozen accusing fingers at Chris once more.

Chris continued driving, glanced behind him and asked, “Are you hungry? Are burgers okay?”

Pinkie looked down as her stomach as it growled in reply. "You ponies have hay-burgers here?!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. She smiled. "I guess this place isn't so different after all!"

Chris cocked an eyebrow "Uh... hay-burger?"

Dan mirrored his tall friends expression. "Ponies?" He turned in his seat to face Pinkie. "What, did you escape from some test facility where they had you penned up like livestock?"

"Uh... No..." Pinkie said. "Did I... did I say something wrong?"

"Two things in a single sentence!" Dan cried. "That might even be a new record for you!"

Pinkie puffed out her lip and whimpered quietly.

"Dan," Chris began in a chastising tone, "give the poor girl a break! She's obviously had a rough day!"

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously.

Dan rolled his eyes and turned forward. "Whatever. If you're buying, then by all means; fairy us all to Burgerphille."

“Great!” Chris said excitedly. “And I think milkshakes are in order, too!”

“Oh, I see! Let’s all get something DAN can’t have!”

“Look, I can get you a slushy, instead.”

Dan thought about this for half a second. ”Fine! But only if they have cherry flavor,” he insisted.

“Dan, they’ve never not had cherry.”

“DO YOU KISS YOUR WIFE WITH THAT FILTHY MOUTH, MR. DOUBLE NEGATIVE?!” Dan sneered.

Chris sighed. Is it that much to ask I’m thanked instead of screamed at for offering to pay for Dan’s food…AGAIN?

“I’ll just take whatever you two recommend…” Pinkie said tentatively.

Dan turned his torso in his seat to face her and leveled an angry finger at her. “YOU’LL EAT OUR SCRAPS AND LIKE IT! YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

Pinkie looked away for a couple seconds and rested her finger on her chin as she pondered a response. She then looked back at Dan and smiled. “I was the bait,” she said as her warm smile turned smug.

Dan’s face contorted into an angry scream, but no sound came out. He quickly turned around to face forward, crossed his arms, and put a sullen look on his face.

“Then it’s settled! Burgers for everyone! Hurray!” Chris said excitedly.

“Can, you order for me, please, Mr. Chris?” Pinkie asked.

“Heh, it’s just ‘Chris’,” Chris responded.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Hey, let’s go inside. I’m soaked.” He turned to glare at Pinkie once more. “SOME PONY,” he said, sneering at the word ‘pony’, “had us out in the POURING RAIN to SAVE her sorry butt.”

Pinkie’s smile quickly turned back to a pout as she let out a small whimper.

It’s going to be a loooong night.

Author's Notes:

Revised, Revised, Revised...

If anyone is confused about Chris and Dan being onto Elise, I explain it briefly in a later chapter.

Thanks to Sonicfan21 for catching a continuity error and MythrilMoth for pointing out something I wrote had been Jossed by season 4. Both have been addressed.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 3 Dan Vs. Apologies

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1 Pinkie vs. Van Nuys

Chapter 3 Dan Vs. Apologies

Pinkie bounded around her new, bright surroundings. “Oh, oh! What’s THIS?! Oh my gosh! What’s that?!” She dashed from place to place constantly slipping, tripping and all and all getting to know the ground quite well.

Dan followed the hyperactive young adult girl with his eyes but said nothing, a grumpy expression plastered on his face.

“Let’s see…” Chris said examining the menu, “two double third pound cheese meals, crazy sized, one with fries the other with onion rings, both with chocolate shakes, a double bacon cheese stuffed bacon burger, a regular third pound cheese meal, and two apple pies.”

“Hey, Chris; I thought you were supposed to put in her order as well,” Dan said snidely.

“It’s IN there!” Chris insisted.

Dan sighed, “One PLAIN burger, just MEAT and a bun. If I find cheese on it, your life is forfeit! Also, a medium sized cherry slushy.”

The bored looking cashier rung up everything. “That’ll be $32.73.”

Chris dug out his wallet and grabbed a few green bills.

Pinkie ran over, lost her footing for the dozenth time since she entered Burgerphile and crashed into the counter. She grabbed hold of the counter-top and slowly climbed her way up. “What’s that?” She asked, pointing at the green bills in Chris’s hands; almost losing her grip in the process.

“That, my dear statistic waiting to happen, is what we call money. You can use it to exchange for goods and services,” Dan answered.

Pinkie slowly climbed to her feet using the counter-top for balance, stuck out her tongue and put on an annoyed face, “I KNOW how money works! We just don’t use paper where I’m from.”

“Oh really?” Chris asked. “Where’s that? England?” he offered.

“They have paper money in Great Britain, you nit-wit,” Dan said with a mildly irritated tone.

“I thought they used pounds.”

“They have paper pounds!”

“A whole pound of paper? Well, that sounds inconvenient,” Pinkie added.

“I swear to God,” Dan turned his palms upward into frustrated claws and furrowed his brow, “it’s like you’re constantly trying to top yourself with the stupid things you say.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her face framed by her currently wet and matted hair.

Alright, I know I just got here, and Dan probably saved me from certain doom…or worse…and I’m sure explaining everything to me can’t be that fun, but would it hurt Dan to be just a little less rude to me?!

“Are there paper Euro’s?” Chris asked.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY THEY USE IN EUROPA!” Dan roared. “Do I LOOK like an astronomer!?”

“Sirs? Your order..?” the cashier asked.

“Oh right,” Chris looked at the money in his hand. “Shoot, I’m a bit short. Dan, could you…”

“No, and HOW DARE you even think of asking. Just take out her food from the order,” Dan said as he pointed his thumb at Pinkie. “Ketchup packets are enough for her.”

“Dan, there’s no need to pick on her so much.”

“Just figure it out Chris! You’re holding up the line!”

Chris scanned the restaurant, it was empty save the three of them and the small amount of staff behind the counter.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had started digging through her new, pink laptop-bag; dug out a similarly pink wallet which she recognized as roughly same in shape to the one Chris was holding. She opened it up, grinned, and pulled out a bill.

“Will this help?” Pinkie asked optimistically.

“Thanks, Pinkie, though that’s not quite...”

“That’s a one dollar bill, you idiot. Captain Feed Bags here is short at least five dollars.”

Pinkie looked back into her wallet and pulled out another bill, this one had a couple more zeros on it.

“Will this work?” She asked inquisitively.

Dan and Chris, once again, put on shocked expressions aimed in Pinkie’s direction.

“Ma’am, we can’t take any bills over a $50.”

“Oh! Okie-Dokie-Lokie!” Pinkie shoved the bills back and fetched a $50 bill and handed it to the cashier. The Cashier, held it up to the light, marked it with a pen, then opened up the register and put the bill inside.

Dan put on his best talking to a child voice. “Now the nice man is going to figure out the difference between what you gave him and what we owed and gi…”

“I KNOW HOW CHANGE WORKS, YOU CONDESCENDING JACK-@$#!” Pinkie screamed in Dan’s face.

Chris’s and Dan’s expressions turned surprised.

Dan took a couple steps back. His face contorted to one of anger to match Pinkie's and he and Pinkie closed the distance with each other leading with their red, angry faces.

Before either could say anything, or worse throw a punch, Chris put his hands on their shoulders and wedged his much larger body in between the two. “Hey! I have an idea. Pinkie, why don’t you dry yourself off in the restroom while Dan and I will find a booth for us.”

“Okie…Dokie…Lokie,” Pinkie said through gritted teeth. She spun, scanned her surroundings and located the sign that said 'RESTROOMS'. She grabbed her bag and stormed off with body language that showed that she was fuming. She tripped once on the way over, shot back up to her feet while maintain the same rigid, angry walk and arrived at the restroom doors. She glanced at the symbols as if pondering what they meant, glanced down at her own skirt, smiled, and then pushed her way into the woman’s restroom.

Dan and Chris watched the display as Pinkie entered the restroom then found a booth to sit in. Chris slid to the end of one side while Dan lounged in his side; occupying the entire seat.

“Dan, don’t you think you’re being just wee bit too hard on her?” Chris asked with a cocked eyebrow.

“ME!? She started it!” Dan insisted.

“Dan, you know that’s not true.”

Dan folded his arms looked away, and grumbled something incomprehensible.

“Maybe,” Chris continued, “you should apologize to her.”

“I don’t see why I…”

“She did pay for your meal.”

“She paid for yours, too.”

“Dan…”

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! I’ll try to be nicer to her,” Dan said, glancing away from Chris and holding his palms up in a frustrated manner.

“Aaaaaand..?”

Dan grumbled.

“Dan..?”

“I’ll apologize, OKAY!?” Dan said, shooting daggers in Chris’s direction with his eyes as best he could.

Chris sat back, satisfied.

“What is TAKING her so long?!”

“Dan, her clothes and her hair were completely drenched. It’ll probably take her awhile to get dried off,” Chris said in a somewhat chastising tone.

“She probably doesn't even know how to use the hand driers…” Dan grumbled.

Chris thought about this for a second and realized Dan was very likely right. He decided to change the subject, “I wonder why our food is taking so long.”

“Chris,” Dan began, mimicking his friends tone from a few second ago, “you ordered enough food to feed a third world nation. It’ll probably take what little staff is here a while to make it all. It’s what you get for being such a slovenly pig all the time.”

Chris sighed and glanced back at the restrooms.

It's going to be a loooong night.

Author's Notes:

Revised, revised, revised.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 4 Pinkie Vs. Meat

Author's Notes:

Holy mother of all revisions, did this chapter go through massive changes!

This is not intended to be a commentary on the position of vegetarianism vs an omnivore diet. I don’t think any of the characters in this story are really suitable mouthpieces for that sort of agenda, anyhow. I hope the treatment of this subject doesn't offend anyone. I just think the consuming of meat would be something Pinkie would run into and have to deal with sooner or later and Dan’s not exactly the sort of person you turn to for a balanced discussion of a potentially touchy subject.

Thanks for reading!

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1

Chapter 4: Pinkie Vs. Meat

Pinkie looked at her reflection in the large bathroom mirror and let out a sigh.

For her, being another species was easy enough to adjust to, but in addition to being a complete mess, she was collecting bruises at a fast pace with her constant tripping, stumbling, and falling. The worst one showed prominently on her forehead, courtesy of Dan teaching her a lesson on the importance of proper vehicle safety.

Pinkie grabbed a large length of paper towel from the dispenser and started toweling her wet hair and clothing.

Ugh, I shoudn’t have yelled at him like that…

Okay, so yes, he deserved to be yelled at with how he was talking to me, but that doesn’t mean I should have done it.

And besides, he seemed like he was trying to help… in a rather tough and unconventional way.

Also, he definitely saved me from death, there…

Pinkie cringed.

…or something really, really bad probably followed by death.

Alright, I totally need to say ‘I’m sorry’ to him when I see him next.

…

Now what in the heck are those bulgy things on the wall with the other, chrome bulge sticking out of THAT, and the button..?

…

Well, STARING at it certainly isn’t going to answer anything.

Pinkie walked over and pushed the button.

‘Fhhhhmmmmm…’

A loud noise emitted from the device. Pinkie instinctively jumped back and covered her face with her arms while keeping an eye on the device.

It doesn’t seem to be dangerous.

She tentatively reached out a hand and touched the metal bulge on the device, it was warm.

Oh, cool!..er…Hot, actually…

She smiled to herself as she waved her hand under the device and felt warm air blowing.

Looks like I can at least dry my hair.

“Hmmmm…” Pinkie carefully examined the contents of her bag. “Oooo! Ooooo!” She cried excitedly.

In addition to her wallet; she had a flat, pink, rectangular object with what appeared to be her cutie mark on the top. The item was roughly a foot and a half across, and another foot wide. She had a second, much smaller flat rectangular object in a pink flip case; a pink compact mirror; a small camera which she was particularly excited about; a couple of cords with metal parts protruding out of either end, and, she was in luck, a pink hair brush.

I wonder who would set me up with all this?

Hehehe…they even know my favorite color, pink! Pink everywhere!

Maybe my friends sent these...?

Oh, I hope they’re okay…

Well, those blue-black cloudy thingies were after me…

Pinkie took another look at the items in her bag.

Guess I’ll have to sort through all this neat looking stuff later, I bet Chris and Dan are waiting for me…

…And I reeeeaaaalllly don’t want to give Dan any more reasons to be mad at me.

Pinkie sat on the floor under the hand driers, positioned them so the air would blow directly on her and proceeded to brush her hair while using the mirror.

It wasn’t long before the pink-wet-matted mess was a pink-dry-curly mess.

She sat up and looked herself over in the mirror. “Perfect!” she said, despite the large bump on her head. She grabbed the camera, examined it carefully and tried a few buttons. Eventually, it turned on with a beep, a little music fan-fare and a screen on the back that showed what the camera was pointing at.

“Wow! Fancy and smancy!” She said to herself. She positioned herself in the mirror and snapped a photo. The camera made an electronic ‘click’ sound. She stared at the screen and much to her delight, it showed her exactly what she just took. She smiled, giddy with delight; packed everything but the camera and slung the bag over her shoulder; grabbed the camera and exited the restroom.

“Undercover cop,” Dan posed to his friend Chris.

Chris thought for a second. “That’s basically the same idea as your ‘spy hypothesis’ except she arrests you instead of kills you. Plus, she witnessed you set a man on fire. I doubt she’d be holding out for something else to haul you into jail on.”

Dan rested his chin and mouth on his hand and concentrated.

I will figure out what your angle is, pink girl! Oh yes, nothing escapes the watchful eyes of Dan!

Why does Chris have to be so good at shooting down my theories? The jerk. I really thought I had it pegged with robot…stupid girly body getting covered in bruises shooting that one down…Chris mentioned apparently no one liked watching me on reality T.V…Lousy mass of crappy show watching sheep wouldn’t know entertainment if it set fire to all their belongings.

URRRGH, I’m usually so GOOD at this!

“Say CHEEEEESEEEEEE~!”

Chris quickly looked up and put on his best photo face.

“I HATE CHEESE!" Dan screamed.

There was a ‘click’ followed by Pinkie examining the photo she just took.

She sat down next to Chris, and before either man could say anything she burst out with: “Okay, so I’m sorry I yelled at you, I’m just really, really, not used to any of this, and I know it can’t be easy for you to keep taking care of me, and I really appreciate it, and I’m really, really, really…”
--Dan positioned a ketchup packet on the table…--
“…glad you came along and saved me when I did. I don’t know what…”
--…took aim...--
“…I would have done without you, probably be lying in a filthy ditch right now if…”
--…positioned his fist over the ketchup packet...--
“it weren’t for you, so once again I’m really sorry I screamed at you and called you a jack-@$#, I actually really, really, REALLY, REALLY want to be your friend, and…”
--..Chris leaned over the table to grab Dan’s hand and waved a shame on you finger at him.
Dan sighed.--
“…did I mention how sorry I was?”

…Okay…that seemed a lot shorter when I practiced in the bathroom…

Dan waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it,” he said nonchalantly.

“Really?!” Pinkie said excitedly, leaning forward on the table.

“Yes…Really.”

“Dan, don’t you have something to say?” Chris said.

Dan glared at Chris.

Well…at least she apologized first.

“I’msorry”, Dan said, barely audible.

“Dan, you’ll have to be louder than that.”

“I said 'I’m sorry', OK!”

Pinkie smiled, extended her hand, remembered something, spit on into her palm and extended it again. “You’re forgiven.”

Dan glared at her hand at first, but soon his lips curled into a smile. He spat in his own palm, grabbed hers and gave it a shake. “Likewise,” he said. He quickly retracted his hand and gave it a wipe with some napkins on the table.

Pinkie followed suit.

The bored cashier from earlier came by and dropped a tray piled with food on the center of the table.

“Finally,” Dan snarled and hunted for his burger. Chris, likewise started grabbing items. Pinkie starred at the feast before her blankly.

Dan sighed, grabbed the empty cup from the tray and stood up. “Chris, why don’t you stop being such a fat, self-centered pig, and pick out the food you ordered for the lady,” Dan said before he continued his walk to the soda fountain.

Chris looked up, grinned sheepishly, and picked out the smaller order of fries, a milkshake, a small rectangular apple-pie and a wrapped burger that he placed in front of Pinkie. He also positioned the onion rings in convenient reach of the both of them.

Pinkie stared at the wrapped burger in front of her.

Alright, the fries I get, and we have plenty of milkshakes…but what the hay is that?

Her thoughts where interrupted as Dan returned with the cup and placed it in front of Pinkie.

“Drink,” Dan said simply.

“Dan, you didn’t get her anything with caffeine in it did you, because….”

“What kind of moron do you take me for? It’s ice water,” Dan informed.

Pinkie thirstily drank the water through the straw.

Oh wow, I’m thirsty! Like, really, really thirsty!”

She quickly got to the point where the straw was making an audible sucking sound.

‘Ssssssssssssgghghghsghgsghg’

“GIVE ME THAT!” Dan snatched the cup and got back up, refilled it and placed it back in front of Pinkie, who proceeded to drink it at a slower pace this time around.

Dan found his own burger out of the mix, unwrapped it and opened it up. With a satisfied expression, he emptied the contents of three ketchup packet onto it, put the top bun back on it and began eating.

Pinkie looked from Dan to Chris who were both eating their burgers. She unwrapped her own burger, examined it quizzically, brought it up to her mouth and took a large bite.

Pinkie’s eye’s widened and she let out an audible, “Hmmmmmmmmm…” of delight. She happily chewed and took a few more bites.

I’ve never had anything like this, before! It’s super-amazadelicious tasting!

She took off the top bun to examine the contents. It seemed to be some sort of sandwich with a hot, brown substance in the middle.

Huh, wonder what plant that’s from…

“What is this?” she asked Dan, pointing at the patty.

“Dead cow,” Dan said simply.

“Dead…cow?” Pinkie stated in disbelief as she began to tear up.

“Don’t tell me you’re a filthy vegetarian.”

Pinkie’s face continued to get sadder as more tears and snot started to leak out her nose. “Herb…herbivore,” she informed.

“They don’t have meat were you’re from?” Dan asked.

“N…no…”

Dan sighed.

What is it with this weirdo?

“If it makes you feel better, the cow was probably very well taken care of before it was brutally dismembered at the slaughterhouse,” Dan said.

Pinkie’s distress increased, she looked mere seconds away from completely losing it.

“What, are cows special where you come from…are you Indian?” Dan glanced at Chris. “Dot, not feather.”

Chris rolled his eyes, “I got it, thanks.”

“W…Well,” Pinkie sniffed hard, “I have a friend named Daisy Jo who always orders cookies to have with her…to have with her…” Pinkie imagined her dear friend being killed, ground up, cooked, and eaten, “sniiiiiiiffff…MIiIiIiLLLLK WOUAAAAAAA!” Pinkie buried her head in her arms as she sobbed into her shirt sleeves.

“Did she just said she knows a cow that orders cookies to have with her Milk?” Chris asked from behind his burger. The display not enough to deter his eating.

“Kinda perverse, ain’t it?” Dan responded.

“That’s not exactly the part that I was questioning,” Chris said.

Dan looked back at Pinkie, “Are you saying cows talk where you come from?”

Pinkie looked up, “Of….of course…”

“Right, I thought as much.”

“Dan, what are you getting at?” Chris said, looking across the table at his friend.

“Something you said earlier made me think…” he looked back at Pinkie, “Cows don’t talk here. They just ‘moo’, eat grass, produce milk, and are collected for convenient eating. Exactly as God and Nature intended.” Dan took another bite out of his burger, then slipped his slushy.

Pinkie frowned, looked down at her burger and pushed it away.

I don’t think I’m ready to sort this all out…

Dan passed her some napkins which she used to blow her nose and wipe the tears from her face.

“Is there meat in anything else?” Pinkie asked waving at the spread in front of her.

“Nope. Go nuts, kid,” Dan said.

Pinkie took a bite of her fries, her eyes went wide again and another, “Hmmmmmmm…” escaped her as she started alternatively eating fries, onions rings, and taking large sips from her shake.

“You are wasting a precious free resource here!” Dan cried.

Pinkie looked up at Dan with a confused expression.

Dan proceeded to open a number of ketchup packets then empty the contents all over her fries and the onion rings.

Pinkie blinked a few times, then tried a fry smothered with ketchup. Her smile grew wider as the pace of her eating accelerated. Only interrupted by a muffled “ThankyouDan” as she consumed fries, onion rings, and chocolate shake. It wasn’t long before Pinkie and Chris had consumed almost all their food, Chris having claimed what was left of Pinkie’s burger.

“Elch, watching pigs eat would be less disgusting,” Dan directed at the pair with a scowl, having finished his burger and slushy.

“Pigs don’t tend to talk where I’m from for some reason…” Pinkie said, considering the strangeness of that for a second.

“Fascinating,” Dan responded flatly.

“Soooo…” Chris began, “Were are you from, Pinkie?”

“Ponyfhille”, Pinkie said, munching on her apple pie.

Huh…it’s alright…I guess… I miss Applejack's baking…

Dan raised his eyebrows.

“Where’s that?” Chris chomped into his own pie. “Neferherdofit,” he said through a mouth full of pie.

“It’s a few hours train ride from Canterlot.”

Dan continued listening with the same expression.

Chris stopped chewing and just stared down at Pinkie.

“…OR maybe it’s a just a few hour walk from Canterlot…Come to think of it, it seems to be a different distance from Ponyville every time we travel to it…”

Chris slowly swallowed the contents in his mouth, unsure of how to respond.

“Erm…in…Equestria...?” Pinkie ventured.

Chris looked across the table at Dan, who had maintained the same expression.

Dan sighed, “You were right, Chris.”

“I was?”

“She’s not from this planet.”

“Dan, that’s not what…”

Pinkie went wide eyed and started to inhaled a large volume of air, before she could speak Dan put her finger to her mouth, silencing her.

“You’re from a planet where the primary sapient species are horses, which you are one of, of course. However, other animals are also sapient and have the ability to speak. You were transported here quite unexpectedly and we happened on you within just a very short time of your arrival.”

Dan moved his finger, and Pinkie continued her inhale, only to have Dan replace his finger back in front of her mouth.

“FURTHERMORE, you’ve had a friend go through very similar experiences who’ve you pestered endlessly to talk about what happened to her…or him.”

Dan moved his finger, Pinkie, whose face was starting to turn blue from holding her breath. She inhaled just a little bit more air, quickly exhaled as she began to look pale. She rolled her eyes back in her head, and dropped her head onto her arms on the table.

“Dan, I don’t think…”

“That was amazing…” Pinkie gasped out in a high pitched voice, “how did you know?”

Chris’s jaw dropped.

Dan put on his best Sherlock voice, “Elementary, my dear Pinkie. First there was all the locations that pointed to an equine based society. 'Ponyville', 'Canterlot', 'Equestria'. Second, it seems just about every other thing you encounter is foreign to you, especially if it requires hands to work. Third, you seem to be having a lot of trouble keeping your balance, thus showing you’re not used to walking on two legs. Fourth, there was the comment you made about being an herbivore.”

“Wow, Dan! You’re like the smartest person ever, EVER, EVER!”

Dan smirked to himself, “Yeah, I know. The only thing that threw me off is you seemed to adjust a little too fast. Leading me to believe you know someone who’s given you some idea what it’s like to be in a human world.”

“Right again, Dan!”

Dan’s smile grew wider.

Chris stared at Dan, then back at Pinkie.

Well, she seems to agree with Dan, but this is really far-fetched, even for the sort of stuff that happens to us!

Pinkie suddenly became uncomfortably aware of how much water she had drunk.

“Uh…would you two excuse me?” Pinkie dashed for the restroom, slipping, but regaining her footing before hitting the floor. She quickly entered the women’s restroom.

“Alien horse girl? Really?” Chris asked skeptically.

“Technically, she’d be from another dimension,” Dan said. “So, ‘slider’ would probably be the best term, here. Anyhow, you’re the one who suggested she was from another planetoid.”

“No, Dan. I thought she was from Europe.”

“That’s ridiculous! She doesn’t even have a European accent of any sort.”

“I…” Chris trailed off, Dan actually had a point. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean she’s a ‘slider’.” Chris air-quoted 'slider', to highlight his skepticism.

“Reeaaaally?” Dan said with a look of smug satisfaction. “Alright then, smart guy, were do you think she’s from?”

“Uhhh…”

Okay, well we did go through a collection of theories, even entertaining the more implausible ones.

But this is really far-fetched.

Though, it does explain much of Pinkie’s behavior…

“Besides,” Dan added, “am I ever wrong about these sort of things?”

Chris looked up, then thought about this some more.

Well…Dan’s often wrong. But not usually when it comes to the off-the-wall, crackpot theories. Heck, he even figured out Wolfman from some scratches and some odd sets of footprints.

Still…girl from a horse dimension? I don’t know…

Pinkie washed her hands in the sink; it had taken her a bit to figure out the soap dispenser. Thankfully, the bathrooms here were similar to the ones back home and despite not wearing clothing very often, she at least had some experience with most of what she was wearing aside from a couple of new articles she had mostly figured out already.

Pinkie stared down at her chest.

Ulgh, I hate whatever this tight thing around my chest is…

I guess it must be to hold this strange chest lumps in place.

She dried her hands using the hand drier.

Oh, I still hope everyone back home is safe.

At least Dan has some things figured out…

Besides, Twilight knows everything about magic. There’s no way she won’t be able to figure SOMETHING out!

Pinkie took a quick glance at herself in the mirror and beamed at her reflection.

Things are looking up!

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 5 Dan Vs. Forehead wound

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1

Chapter 5: Dan Vs. Forehead wound

Pinkie exited the bathroom. As she did, Chris and Dan sat up and made their way to the restaurant door.

Chris held the door open for both Dan, who passed wordlessly, and Pinkie who smiled and said, “Thank you very much, Chris,” with a smile on her way out.

The trio walked to the car and before Pinkie could reach for the handle, Dan grabbed her hand and silently held up a finger signifying she should wait as he gave her a stern look.

Pinkie stared at Dan’s finger as Chris got into the driver side and unlocked the car.

Dan let go of Pinkie’s hand and entered the passenger’s side before buckling up.

Pinkie opened her door and sat down; fumbled with her seatbelt for a moment before she managed to get it to ‘click’ again and gave herself an excited, “I DID IT!”

“Congratulations,” Dan mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “Soon you’ll move up to tying your shoelaces.”

“Did you say something, Danny?” Pinkie asked.

“No, and don’t call me ‘Danny’!” Dan growled back.

Chris started the car and backed out of the parking spot. After a glance to insure the road was clear, he exited the lot and they were on their way.

“So Pinkie,” Chris began, “where do you want to be dropped off.”

Pinkie’s pupils narrowed slightly and she went uncomfortably silent.

“I’ve known goldfish who pay better attention than you, Chris! She doesn’t have a place to be dropped off at! She just got here from another dimension!” Dan turned his palms upward and leaned closer to his friend. “How can you forget something we just talked about a few minutes ago?!”

Pinkie nodded vigorously from the backseat.

“Well, I can’t take her to my place,” Chris said.

“What?! Why not! Just make a spot for her on the couch! I do it all the time!” Dan countered with a tone of disbelief.

“Normally, that would be fine but Elise has taken some of her work home with her,” Chris said, his tone betraying his frustration at the situation.

“Ah, so the couch is currently occupied by a Chinese spy that Elise is interrogating?” Dan posed.

“No, she turned Cao over to her superiors last week. This is much worse.”

Pinkie leaned forward, interested in the conversation, “What’s a Chinese?” she asked.

Dan looked back at her, “Excuse you, the men are figuring out what to do with you!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, stuck her tongue out at Dan and leaned back in her seat.

Alright, Pinkie. Remember, you want to make friends with Dan!

Even if he’s not going to make it easy-peasy.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Dan said. “What’s worse than having to share a roof with a captured, hostile, international spy?”

“Elise is working on something involving plutonium. She won’t say what it is, but we’ve had to put a tent over the house and claim we’re fumigating. She says there’s not a great chance for a leak, but to be safe we’re both wearing hazmat suits around the house, and we only have the two.”

Dan sighed. “Typical,” he mumbled out.

Pinkie stared back and forth between Chris and Dan.

Uh…plutonium? Sounds fun…maybe? Geez, I wonder what else is here I don’t know about…

“Why do you think I so quickly agreed to help you?” Chris asked Dan.

“I’m sorry if I thought you were committed to my noble quest to improve the English language.”

“I thought you said you had an ‘agenda’ against it,” Pinkie reminded Dan.

Huh, she’s paying a lot more attention that I would have thought a ditzy air-head is capable of.

Alright, time to put Pink Girl back in her place.

“I’m on a quest to burn the English language and raise it back, not unlike the mythical phoenix.” He smiled, “A Phoenix is…”

“…A magical, fiery bird that sheds its fiery feathers and burns up, reducing itself to ashes, before igniting once again and emerging in its full, fiery might over and over again,” Pinkie said with a smug sense of satisfaction.

Dan closed his mouth and grimaced at her.

“We have those back where I’m from. Oh, and they’re not thaaaat mythical. There’s quite a few in the Everfree Forest,” she added.

Dan sat back in his chair, his attempt at putting Pinkie in her place having completely backfired. He examined the area the car was passing, “What? Chris! NO! Stop the car! She is not staying with me!”

“Well, where else is she going to stay?” Chris asked.

“I DON’T CARE! JUST NOT IN MY APARTMENT.”

Pinkie let out an audible whimper from the back.

“Hey! I have an idea! Why doesn’t she try to rent the place next to your apartment? Didn’t you say your neighbors just recently moved out leaving most their furniture behind?”

Dan thought back to a night of a pile of electric guitars, a drum-set, some amps, gasoline and a bonfire rising high into the nights sky as he stood from his second story walkway and laughed maniacally.

REVENGE IS MINE! I’ll NEVER have to hear that crappy band play again or have it disturb my sleep.

Ahh, memories…

HehehehehehMuaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..!

‘Tap, tap, tap…’

Dan looked out his car window to see Chris staring at him with look that said ‘seriously?’

Dan rolled down the window, “What?! How’d you get out of the car? Where is that girl?! Weren’t we just discussing how she wasn’t going to stay with me?”

“Dan, that was over 30 minutes ago. You started laughing and kept laughing all the way here. I would have stopped you, but Pinkie” –Chris broke eye contact with Dan and motioned as if he was introducing an invisible Pinkie Pie—“also started laughing. She didn’t even ask me what was so funny until we were both out of the car.”

Dan peered outside, “CHRIS! NO! She cannot move in next to me. End of story.”

“Yeah, I think you already lost this battle, she was going over the paperwork with the Landlord as I went to check up on you.”

“What?! She can’t move in tonight she doesn’t even have identification, or a social security number, or…”

“Your landlord said he was fine renting out to a ‘pony girl’ and said he ‘trusted her kind.’" Chris looked out into space. “He also called me a ‘bear guy’. Man, tonight has been weird...”

Dan let out a sound of rage and frustration. “Graaah! Could this night get ANY worse!?” he asked the heavens.

The heavens responded.

Pinkie Pie bounded to the car window. Enthusiastically holding up a set of keys. Chris moved out of the way as she rested her hands on the car door, stuck her head in the door and excitedly bobbed her body up and down as Dan absently followed her with his eyes

“Hey, Dan! Guess what, guesswhat, guesswhat!? We’re neighbors now! Oh, I know we’re going to be best friends FOREVER, and we’ll spend SO MUCH time together, and we’ll play together, and dance, and sing…” Pinkie’s feet slid out from under her on the wet concrete. She hit her forehead with a very audible thump on the open car window frame on her way down.

Dan actually changed his expression to concerned as he heard her face slowly slip down the rest of the car door before he heard it hit the ground.

‘Thump’

Within an instant, Pinkie was back up with an, “I’m oooooookaaaay!” She felt something warm and wet drip from her forehead, onto her nose, then down around her mouth. She felt her forehead and examined her hand to witness a hand full of blood, dirt, and gravel. “I’m NOT Okay…” she corrected and slumped forward against the car door.

Chris leaned down and looped his arms around Pinkie,s, backing her up so Dan could exit the car.

“Should we take her to the hospital?” Chris asked, his voice concerned as he held Pinkie up.

“So we can all spend hours in the emergency waiting room just so an actor in a lab coat can fondle her, give her a loli-pop and send her on her way?” Dan held one of Pinkie’s eyes open with one hand and moved a finger back in forth in front of it as Pinkie followed Dan’s finger with her pupil.

“Dan, that’s not how hospitals work,” Chris replied.

“That’s pretty much exactly how hospitals work,” Dan countered. “Here,” Dan went around to where Chris was standing, “switch places with me.”

Chris allowed Dan to take his place as Dan put his arms under Pinkie’s and crossed them across her stomach. “Great, now grab her legs, we’re going up.”

Chris pocketed Pinkie’s dropped keys, “Dan, we can’t just abandon her in her new apartment. What if she has a concussion?”

“Concussions are usually followed by much worse symptoms. Believe me, I’ve had a few,” Dan answered as he backed towards his apartment. “She just needs to get her head elevated, get this cleaned up and get some rest. Besides, money-face, we’re taking her to my apartment. I’m well stocked on first-aid supplies. You couldn’t imagine how often I’ve had to dress my own wounds.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I can.” Chris answered, rolling his eyes.

Pinkie moaned softly as the two carried her up the stairs.

“Wow, Dan. This is without a doubt the lightest person we’ve had to drag up or down your stairs.”

“Shut up,” Dan said as they reached his door. “Switch places with me.”

Chris obediently complied, gently lowering Pinkie’s feet as he waked around her and took Dan’s spot holding her up by her shoulders.

Dan unlocked and opened the door to Apartment ‘8’ and entered. He walked over to his yellowing couch and cleared it’s surface of some random junk, unceremoniously allowing it to drop to the floor. Dan sat down and grabbed a few frilly looking throw pillows from the other end of the couch.

Chris shook his head.

I can’t believe he still has all those pillows after he assaulted that Hollywood producer with them…and after they got taken when I gave away most his belongings…

Geez, Dan is determined…

Dan piled a couple pillows on his lap and motioned for Chris to come forward with Pinkie. Dan patted the pillows to signify Dan wanted Chris to lay her head on them.

Chris lifted and then gently lowered the pink haired girl onto Dan’s lap and his couch.

A mangy-looking, grey cat walked in, meowed and climbed on top of Pinkie.

Pinkie meekly moved her hand to stroke the cat, “Awww…nice kitty.”

Dan calmly dictated a few instructions to Chris while maintaining his typical, slightly irritated tone of voice and facial expression, “Go to my bathroom. In my medicine cabinet, you’ll find some dressing pads, gauze, and a couple clean rags. Grab those, check under my sink for a bottle of Everclear, and my freezer for a prepared icepack. Bring everything here, then open the cupboard above the stove, grab a can of the beef flavored canned cat food, and feed Mr. Mumbles.”

“Awww…what a cute name,” Pinkie murmured as she scratched under the cat’s chin who “mewed” in reply.

“And you,” Dan looked down at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap, “stop bleeding all over the place. You’re wrecking my nice throw pillows.”

“So…sorry, Dan,” Pinkie whimpered. “Tha…thanks for taking care of me…”

“Dan, you have about two dozen of those,” Chris called out from Dan’s bathroom.

“So?” Dan replied angrily. “Doesn’t mean I have enough that she can just bleed all over a couple!”

Chris sighed and continued grabbing supplies. He returned with the medical supplies Dan had asked for, setting them on Dan’s coffee table within his reach.

“Great, now go feed Mr. Mumbles. Beef flavor. Chicken liver was yesterday!”

Chris shot Dan an annoyed expression, but returned to the kitchen. At the sound of a cat food tin opening, Mr. Mumbles hopped off Pinkie and trotted into the kitchen.

“Awww…why’d you have to do that?” Pinkie said, already missing scratching Mr. Mumbles.

“So she doesn’t claw my face off, when you start screaming at ‘step 2’,” Dan answered, dousing a rag in Everclear.

Pinkie sniffed the strong smell of alcohol and her expression turned concerned, “What’s step…”

Without warning, Dan cupped one hand over her mouth and put the Everclear wetted rag over Pinkie’s forehead.

Pinkie's shrieks were muffled by Dan's hand as he cleaned her wound with the stinging alcohol. Chris shot back into the living room looking concerned.

Soon, Dan had finished and moved onto drying the wound with the clean cloth as Pinkie began to sob gently.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Dan commented.

Pinkie tried her best to stop crying and held back her tears.

“Dan, was that really necessary?” Chris asked.

Dan said nothing while placing a couple dressing pads on Pinkies forehead, followed by the icepack, Pinkie gasped at the chilly ice-pack, but it did numb the pain a bit.

“Hold her head up so I can bandage these in place," Dan said.

Chris complied and Dan wrapped the gauze around Pinkie’s head a few times, holding the dressing pads, and icepack in place.

Finished, Dan motioned for Chris to let the girl’s head down.

“Thank you, Dan,” Pinkie managed to whisper.

“Well! It has been fun and weird, but it is getting very late and I must get some sleep,” Chris said in a chipper tone of voice.

“WHAT?! Chris you can’t just leave me here to take care of her all by myself!” Dan insisted.

“You seem to have the situation well in lap…I mean hand. OH!” Chris reached into his pocket and tossed a set of keys on Dan’s coffee table, or rather, the crate that served as Dan's coffee table.

Pinkie murmured an apology to Dan.

“Chris! Come back here!” Dan demanded.

“Sorry Dan! I have to get back, suit up, and get some shut-eye. I will stop by tomorrow to make sure she’s okay,” Chris stopped for a second, turned around and put a very serious expression on his face. “And she better be okay Dan. I mean it.”

“I PROMISE NOTHING!”

“No Dan, No. If you intentionally go out of your way to hurt even one hair on her head, that’s it. Our friendship is over and I’ll make sure you don’t get away with it this time,” Chris leaned into the door frame with one hand and pointed the other at Dan for dramatic effect.

Dan, reached down a grabbed a strand of Pinkie’s hair, Chris’s expression hardened.

Dan let go of the hair.

Wow, he’s actually serious about this.

Pinkie murmured another apology.

“FINE,” Dan growled angrily. “I promise I won’t intentionally physically hurt her or even arrange for physical harm to come to her.”

Chris’s expression softened, “That’s fair. Even spending time with you is mentally scaring.”

Pinkie giggled softly.

Dan gritted his teeth.

Great, now they’re tag teaming me…

Chris walked outside.

“I hope you die of radiation poisoning,” Dan called from the couch.

Chris’s face went pale, “I don’t.”

Chris shut the door and walked back to his car and prayed that Dan wouldn’t traumatize the poor girl too much.

Author's Notes:

Revised, Revised.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Loneliness

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys

Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Loneliness

Dan looked down with a huff at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap along with a couple of, now bloodstained, throw pillows.

He had taken the time to clean the blood out of her hair while he cleaned her wound, but a cloth soaked in alcohol wasn’t exactly going to work on a pillow.

Typical. I go out for an evening of righting wrongs and I have to run into a girl from another dimension.

She manages to injure herself, because she’s clearly the clumsiest being in existence.

Chris, of course, dumps her on me…

And worse of all, I can’t reach the TV remote like this!

Slider pony girl is just going to have to go to her own apartment, and that is that.

“Can you walk?” Dan asked, irritated, as usual.

Pinkie, who was physically and mentally exhausted at this point, put on her best puppy dog face.

“Listen, that sad girl stuff might work on Chris, but not me. I’m not running a shelter for filthy and pathetic creatures, here.”

Mr. Mumbles walked into the room from the kitchen and mewed. Dan shot her a ‘you’re not helping’ look.

“But…” Pinkie started.

“Just answer my question. You have a place to stay that isn’t here, and I’ve had a looooong night. I’d rather not spend the rest of it explaining how forks work.”

“I know what a fork…”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT UTENSILS YOU DO AND DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Dan roared.

“CAN…”

“…YOU…”

“…WALK!?”

Pinkie swallowed.

I don’t want to spend the night alone in this strange place.

There’s strange noises coming from everywhere!

It’s like someone is having a fireworks party without all the pretty explosions!

On the other hoof…HAND, Dan clearly isn’t in the mood to let me sleep here…

“I…I think…” Pinkie managed to stammer.

“Good.” Dan wasted no time getting one of Pinkie’s arms over his shoulders and stood up suddenly. Pinkie struggled to maintain balance as Dan grabbed her keys off the table and practically dragged her to the door.

“My…my bag…” Pinkie managed.

Dan grumbled a, “Grrrrrr” and held up Pinkie’s keys in front of her face.

Pinkie instinctively grabbed them with her mouth and Dan grabbed her bag, opened his door and walked bag and girl to the door.

“Unlock it,” He demanded.

Much to his surprise, Pinkie leaned down with the keys in her mouth and managed to unlock the door with a key clenched in her teeth.

Huh, guess there’s a lot of that going on in pony land without the use of hands.

Pinkie opened the door.

The place was sparsely furnished, smelled odd (though a bit more pleasant than Dan’s apartment), and was a bit untidy (again, not nearly as bad as Dan’s apartment).

The layout being a mirror of his own, Dan navigated Pinkie to the bed, and gracelessly deposited her and bag on it, and turned to walk out.

Pinkie started gently sobbing and Dan stopped dead in his tracks.

Well…if she stayed, I could at least change her bandage later and…

No.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I am NOT going to be swayed by the oldest trick in the book.

“Da…Dan?” Pinkie stammered, “I’m scared…”

…Or the second.

Dan turned around.

Despite only the street lights outside to illuminate them both, Pinkie’s flushed face contrasted strongly against the white bandage on her head. Tears streamed down her face at an impressive rate.

Dan sighed.

She can’t stay with me. There’s just no way I’m going to give in there…

…But I guess it won’t hurt to show some mercy…

…Much.

He wordlessly walked over, sat on the bed, undid Pinkie’s boot laces, and removed them as well as her soaked socks. Pinkie lifted up a foot into view, wiggling her toes and examining them for the first time.

Dan faced away from Pinkie as he sat on the edge of her bed. “Look, we are not friends. I don’t want to be your friend…but...” Dan sighed, knowing he would regret the next words out of his mouth, “…I am next door in case something bad happens.”

Pinkie was silent.

Dan stood up to leave, “And I mean life threateningly ‘bad’. Don’t come knocking just because you’ve had a bad dream or something. I swear,” Dan’s expression started shifting from regular mad, to eye twitching, teeth clenching, maddening mad, “if you wake me up in the middle of the night because you feel homesick, I will BURN everyth…” Dan heard the jingling of keys.

“Dan?”

“WHAT?”

“Catch.”

Dan turned in time to nab one of Pinkie’s keys she had lobbed at him.

He turned around and continued towards the door.

“…And thank you for saving me and taking care of me,” Pinkie added.

Dan opened the door and paused for a second, then walked forward closing the door behind him.

Pinkie resumed her gentle sobbing. She was well past ‘laughing’ her fears away at this point.

I’ve been almost killed twice in two different dimensions in a matter of minutes from each other?! How the hay does that even happen?!

AND WHAT IN TARTARUS IS THAT NOISE OUTSIDE?!

It’s like somepony is having a crazy fire cracker party indoors.

Geez, even I know better than to do that…

…again.

How am I supposed to get some sleep like this?

Tears streamed down Pinkie’s face and soaked the pillow case underneath it.

My body is all achy, my head is all hurty…my heart is all hurty…and I just want to see my friends again!

“Pinkie?”

And now I’m hallucinating Twilight’s voice. Awesome sauce.

“Pinkie!”

Wow, I must have really hit my head a lot of times tonight…

“PIIIIIIINKIEEEEEE!”

Pinkie looked up and realized the sound was coming from her bag, she sat up, opened it, and noticed there was light emitting from the cracks between the closed compact mirror.

Hardly being able to contain herself, she opened the compact.

“EVERYPONY! YOU’RE ALL RIGHT!” Pinkie replied with a tearful, but exuberant smile.

Through the small mirror, she could make out all her friends that where with her at Rarity’s boutique, Princess Celestia, AND Princess Luna.

Yeesh, my friends had certainly pulled out all the stops to contact me.

It’s actually kinda embarrassing…

Her friends and the Princesses clearly where a bit surprised, however Spike and Twilight recovered quickly.

“Pinkie! You’re…human!”

“Yepper!” Pinkie pulled the mirror back to reveal more of her body and stretched her other arm behind her. This seemed to freak her audience out a bit more, however Spike took stock of everyone else’s expressions and started laughing.

Twilight took a quick glance at Spike, then back at Pinkie.

Well, I’ve dealt with humans before… Though, I expected her to be pinker and a little younger looking.

“Are you alright?” Twilight asked.

“I…” Pinkie felt the bandage on her head. “Well…”

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air.

“…first this guy tried to attack me, but then this other guy saved me and then the first guy got hit by a carriage of some sort driven by guy and did I mention the guy who saved me was named Dan and the guy driving the carriage without ponies was named Chris? Anyhow, Dan put something in his mouth and set it on fire, but started coughing, then I helped him and thanked him and Chris but I don’t think Dan really liked me but Chris said I could come with them, so Dan set the guy who attacked me on fire again…Oh he did that when he saved me the first time, I don’t think I mentioned that…so anyway Dan let me come with them, then we went to this place called Burgerphile where…” Pinkie glanced at Fluttershy, “Uh…we had…”

“…”

“…food…”

“…”

“…from plants.”

“oh, and a milkshake! OH and I found all this neat stuff in my bag! We’ll have to figure out what it all does! But I got a camera! And I took a picture of Chris and Dan, and I think Dan is lactose intolerant because he seems to specifically hate dairy products amongst other things and then we left and we couldn’t go to Chris’s for reasons that sound really cryptic and a little explodey but he suggested I get a place next to Dan’s and Dan started laughing and we laughed for a really long time and then I got this place and there was this nice man who seemed to know I was a pony somehow, and OH! Dan figured out I was a pony because he’s really, really, REALLY, smart and I gave the man a bunch of money which I seem to have a lot of for some reason and he gave me some keys and I got really, really, really, REALLY, excited and told Dan, but fell down and hurt my head real bad, but Dan took care of me and dropped me off back here and said he didn’t want to be my friend but I know deep down he really WANTS another friend and he said I could ask for help if my life was in danger…”

“…”

“And then I heard my mirror talking, and that’s about it.”

The crowd’s expression seemed a bit more relieved. If there was any doubt they were talking to Pinkie Pie, it was gone now.

“Well…” Twilight continued, “sounds like you had quite the evening.”

“And quite the meal,” Spike added with a knowing grin.

Twilight shot him a quick scowl and elbowed him with one of her front legs. Spike let out an “Oof” but continued his grin.

“Oh, darling! We were ever so worried about you! Twilight sent word to the Princess who rushed from Canterlot to pick us up,” Rarity explained motioning at Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.

Celestia stepped forward. “Hello, Pinkie Pie. I trust you’re okay?”

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I‘m so happy to see all my friends are okay!”

Celestia closed her eyes and smiled. “Well, I’m happy we could put that fear to rest. My sister and I will leave you and your friends to catch up. We’ll continue trying to figure out how to get to you back.”

At that, Luna smiled and nodded as Celestia and she trotted out of the room.

“Oh, Twilight I KNEW you’d find a way!.. How are you guys talking to me, anyhow?”

Twilight smiled warmly, “Princess Celestia, Luna, and I all combined our magic to try to feel where you had been sent. We got a rough idea, but couldn’t figure out exactly where you where until…” Twilight motioned to Rarity, “Rarity joined in and pin-pointed exactly where you were.”

“That’s AMAZING Rarity!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Well, I’ve always had a horn for details,” Rarity said. “Anyhow, the three Princesses did the hard part,” she added, motioning to Twilight. “I had nothing to do with the mirror.”

Pinkie considered her own mirror in front of her, it was vibrating with speech every time somepony talked. “So you have a mirror over there, too?”

Must be a lot bigger than my teensy-weensy mirror if I can see everypony.

“Yep!” Twilight answered. “Once we figured out where you were the Princess and I worked to contact you using somewhat similar magic to the magic that transported me across dimensions,” Twilight frowned, “but we haven’t figured out how to actually transport you back yet.”

“That’s okay Twilight. You’re the smartest pony I know! You’ll figure it out,” Pinkie said enthusiastically. “So! What happened to those things that were after me?”

Rainbow Dash spoke up “They took one look at me, and decided they didn’t have a prayer then just took off!”

“Wowwie-zowwie, Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “She means they jus’ took off. They jus’ sort uh disappeared right after you did.”

“I’m glad they did…they were scary.” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie thought for a second.

Geez-Louise! I don’t know the first thing about those cloudy thingies except their scary sounding name of the ‘The Order Keepers’. Oooo! Also, they called me ‘The Warper’.

And why would they send me here and give me enough supplies to… “yawn” …supplies to…

“Pinkie?”

“Oh, sorry Twilight. Looooong night.”

“I understand completely. Should we let you get some rest? We can keep the communication open indefinitely. Princess Luna and Celestia made it so the magic is fueled by the light of the sun and the moon. You’re safe where you’re at, right?”

“Yes,” Pinkie remembered Dan’s offer, “I am. Thanks, Twilight…everypony…I think…I think sleeps a good idea. Goodnight everypony.” Her friends waved and a chorus of goodnights rang out. Pinkie Pie closed her compact, laid down, hugged the compact around her chest, and shut her eyes. Finally feeling some degree of peace after everything that had happened.

Dan pulled his ear from the wall. He WAS going to beat on it and yell at Pinkie to keep that obnoxious sobbing down. The same walls that offered little buffering against an amateur rock band also provided little muffling for sad sobbing, but he heard her and voices and decided it would be better to listen in.

Pinkie is easy enough to hear. No surprise there, but I wonder what her…uh…pony friends where saying.

So, something is after her?

Dan yawned, stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. “Come on, Mr. Mumbles.”

His cat jumped onto the bed next to him and curled up.

Well…whatever is after her isn’t my problem.

Dan suddenly remembered the last thing he said to Pinkie.

…At least…It better not become my problem.

Dan turned out his light, and quickly fell asleep.

Author's Notes:

Revised

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 7 Dan Vs. …

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys

Chapter 7 Dan Vs. …

Chris stifled a yawn and pulled into his driveway. He sighed looking up at the giant covering over his house, garage, and shed.

He wasn’t too perturbed by the idea that his domicile now resembled a giant circus tent, but the constant fear of being exposed to a lethal dose of radiation was starting to take its toll.

Chris climbed out of his car, walked to the back of his property, opened up a large zipper in the back revealing a clear box room with a hazmat suit in it. He stepped in the room, closed the zipper, and began putting the suit on. Once finished, he opened a clear door that led to his backyard. Through the clear plastic of the suit he viewed the flood lights and klaxons that now decorated his yard; making it feel more like a prison yard, or the site of a top-secret government dig site.

He trudged back around to the front of the house and tried to open the front door.

Locked…Of course it’s locked…

He reached for his keys and felt protective layers against MORE protective layers. Much to his frustration, he had suited up with everything still in his pockets.

“Ahhh! Come on!” Chris shouted and mentally prepared himself to go back to the box room.

Suddenly, the door unlocked and opened.

“Hey, Chris,” his red haired wife greeted him, similarly dressed in a hazmat suite. “You suited up with your keys in your pockets, again, didn’t you?”

Chris laughed nervously and stepped inside his house.

Elise stood up on the tips of her toes, put her face plate against his and kissed her face plate, leaving a visible smooch mark on the inside. About the closest she could get to affection at the moment. “Did you have a nice time with Dan’s revenge scheme?”

Chris smiled through the clear plastic suit. “Dan and I stopped a mugger!” He said cheerfully.

“Really?” Elise asked with increased interest.

Any night these two don’t get arrested or end up on the news is a plus, but to think they actually accomplished some good…

“Dan set him on fire and I hit him with the car!” Chris added with no small amount of pride in his voice.

Elise managed to keep her smile, but her eyes shifted to show some concern.

“Oh,” Chris added, “and we saved the poor girl that was being attacked!”

Elise’s expression softened, “That’s very nice, Chris. I’m sure she was very grateful.”

“Yep! We got her setup with the apartment next to Dan’s!”

Elise’s expression went serious, “…I thought you said you ‘saved’ her?”

“Haha,” Chris said as he rolled his eyes, “she practically begged to be next to Dan. She got her paperwork done, paid her deposit and first month’s rent, and got the keys right away.” Chris stared off into space, as little as he could before vision met clear plastic, and added, “She seems hell-bent on making friends with Dan. I said I’d stop by tomorrow to make sure she was okay.”

“Huh,” Elise uttered.

There's something very suspicious about all this...

”How would you describe her?” Elise asked cocking an eyebrow at her husband.

Chris attempted to rub his chin with his hand, but only succeeded in rubbing a gloved hand on the plastic in front of his face, “Hyper-active, nice, clumsy, and the most clueless person I have ever met.” Chris paused and made eye contact with his wife, “She’s about an inch shorter than you with long, pink, curly hair that billows out in all directions.”

Elise smiled, stood on her toes again, and patted the top of her husband’s suit, “You’ve been practicing what I told you about profiling, I see.”

Chris chuckled nervously.

Elise thought more about this.

Well, it doesn't really sound like the cover of someone trying to get close to a target.

“What was her name?” Elise asked.

“Pinkie”, Chris replied. He continued rubbing the clear plastic under his face and looked off as he tried to remember something. “Pinkamena Diane Pie,” he put on an ‘ah-ha’ face and pointed to the sky signifying the name had just come back to him.

“That’s a rather strange name,” Elise commented.

“Well, she’s a strange girl,” Chris replied.

“You say she paid for her apartment?”

“Yep!” Chris sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, local news popped on and started detailing a man who was picked up off the street with third degree burns and multiple broken bones. “Full in cash,” he added.

“That’s a lot of money to be walking around with.”

“Yeah, and she has a lot more. Dan and I still haven’t figured out where she got it all from,” Chris pondered this for a second. “She didn’t seem to know what it was even…Dan thinks she’s a talking horse from another dimension.”

Elise paused, she wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She decided some research was in order, “Oh, I just remembered! I need to double check on the plutonium!”

“That’s great, honey,” Chris said, plastering on a fake enthusiastic smile. “I think I’m going to grab my PJs, get changed in the box, then pray we don’t die before going to bed,” He said in a worried sort of mock attempt at his regular cadence.

Elise smiled, bent down, and planted another kiss on her face plate. “Don’t wait up,” she said sweetly.

Chris yawned, “I’m sure I can manage drifting into a radioactive zombie attack nightmare filled sleep all by myself.”

Pinkie awoke as the first strands of sunlight entered her new apartment. The daylight didn’t exactly improve it. In fact, she could now fully appreciate how dingy it really was.

She walked towards the window and looked out.

At least it seems like it’s gonna be a nice day with no rain…

Huh, I wonder if they have flying humans that take care of the weather…

Still, not much to look at…these buildings are in desperate need of some color…like pink, or light red, or even fuchsia…

…Oooh, looky! Palm trees. Lots of palm trees!

Hmmm…

I really need to do something to thank Dan…

A gift? A cake? A party?

She heard a door open, followed by a familiar tone of grumbling. She ducked low and glanced outside, as Dan walked by. She fought the initial urge to run out and greet him.

He doesn’t look like much of a morning person…and he really doesn’t need more reasons to be mad at me…

She looked up as he walked by.

Dan turned and faced her window and, just as quick, Pinkie ducked out of sight.

Dan’s eyebrow twitched and he turned around and continued his walk, down the stairs and towards his red hatchback.

Pinkie discreetly watched from her window as Dan opened one of his backseat doors, looked inside, let out an angry and frustrated cry, slammed it shut, and turned around back towards the apartment.

Pinkie let out an audible “Hmmmmmmm…” and stroked her chin.

As Dan walked back up, he glanced at her window, and Pinkie ducked down again.

Dan silently walked up, cupped his hands around his eyes and attempted to peer in.

Pinkie cupped her hands over her mouth and kept silent, sweating slightly.

Alright, be cool Pinkie Pie…if he catches you spying on him he’s definitely going to yell at you…

Dan shook his head, let out an exasperated sigh, and walked back to his apartment, closing the door hard behind him.

Pinkie stood back up and stared at Dan’s car. Her lips slowly curled up into a smile which grew into a full toothed grin.

I have an idea…

Chris walked up the stairs to Pinkie’s and Dan’s apartments. Elise had insisted he go out and visit Pinkie nice and early, and even went so far as to prepare a set of his standard outfit for him. Chris was just happy to be out of his hazmat suit. Elise said she’d be finished soon, at least.

Chris walked past Pinkie’s door on the way to Dan’s but stopped when he heard her voice.

Huh, maybe she’s on the phone?

Chris rapped a few times on Pinkie’s door.

He heard a, “Gotta go!”, a loud thump, and a rapid peter-patter of legs and arms propelling a body across the carpet. Pinkie opened the door, still on her knees.

Pinkie sprung to her feat. “Hiya, Chris!” she said in a tone of unbridled cheerfulness. Her bandage was worse for wear, and she was still covered in bruises, but she seemed even happier and more energetic compared to the night prior.

“Hiya, Pinkie!” Chris echoed. “Dan kicked you out, huh?”

“Oh, it’s okay,” Pinkie said glancing at Dan’s door. “It was asking a bit much that I stay with him. He did say I could get his help if something ‘bad’ happened,” she said with a humongous grin.

“Reeaaally?” Chris purred sending a bemused look at Dan’s door.

Just then Dan’s door slammed opened, revealing a red eyed, angry looking Dan. “Chris! I need my flyers. I think they’re still in your car.”

“DAN!” Pinkie said enthusiastically throwing her arms around his neck, pulling her camera out of seemingly nowhere, and snapping a photo while Dan angrily shouted in her ear.

Dan squirmed out of Pinkie’s grasp as she giggled with closed eyes and put her hands behind her back.

“Good morning to you, too, Dan,” Chris said flatly.

“Do you have ANY idea of what time it is?!” Dan screamed in frustration at Pinkie.

“I most certainly don’t!” Pinkie answered helpfully.

“It’s 9:30, Dan,” Chris answered, his voice still flat.

“IT’S 9…” Dan glared at Chris and then turned back to Pinkie. “IT’S TOO DAMN EARLY FOR ALL THIS HUGGY NONSENSE.” Dan turned back to Chris, his expression still enraged. “KEYS! NOW!”

Chris sighed and handed Dan his keys as Dan trudged down the stairs towards Chris’s car.

Pinkie leaned in close to Chris. “Chris, I need your help, but I want it to be a surprise for Dan. Is there a craft store and someplace I can get a photo developed around here?” she whispered into the tall man’s ear.

“Of course Pinkie. It’s kind of early for Dan, anyways,” Chris looked down at his friend who was in the process of retrieving his flyers.

Pinkie steepled her fingers in front of her face. “Perfect. Steps 1 and 2 complete…” she mumbled to herself. “Oh, almost forgot!" Pinkie rushed back inside and closed her door behind her.

Dan trudged back up the stairs, a stack of fliers in hand.

“Just what are you two scheming anyway?” Dan asked as he narrowed suspicious looking eyes at Chris.

“Heck if I know," Chris replied. He quickly put back on a smile and changed the subject, “Hey! Wanna grab lunch with us later? It’s a beautiful day, and I’m sure Pinkie would love to help put up your fliers.”

“No! You’re dead to me, and I hate her. ‘Operation Apostrophe Annihilation’ will continue without you.”

Pinkie threw open her door holding her bag, now wearing her boots that looked like they were laced by a first grader who attempted tying them while rolling uncontrolled down a rocky-hillside, “READY!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

Dan looked her up and down as if seeing her for the first time this morning.

Of course she can’t tie shoes worth anything…

…And that bandage looks like wandered off the set of a Zombie apocalypse movie…

“Walking corpse,” Dan said glancing at Chris, “wait here.”

Pinkie let out a little, “Eeep” as Dan grabbed her by the hand, dragged her into his apartment and shut the door, locking it behind him.

Chris walked up to the door with a look of concern.

There was an apology, some yelling, more apologies, more yelling, some shrieking…

“Dan?” Chris called in concerned.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning “WHY!?”, some giggling, MORE shrieking, the sound of something crashing…

“DAN! Open the DOOR!” Chris tried the locked knob and banged on the door a few times.

…some muffled sobbing, some grumbling, more apologies…

“Dan! I SWEAR I will break down this door if you’ve…”

The door flew open and Pinkie stumbled into Chris’s chest who steadied the dizzy girl.

“YOU’RE WELCOME!” Dan shouted from the open doorway, pushing Pinkie’s pink bag outside and slamming the door.

Pinkie shook her head as if clearing it, felt the fresh bandage, and looked down at her properly tied boots. She reached down and grabbed her bag, looked up with a huge smile and shouted, “THANK YOU!” at the closed door.

Chris just looked at the door with a blank expression.

“Let’s go!” Pinkie said, her voice overflowing with enthusiasm. Chris followed close behind.

“WhaaaaAAAAA!” Pinkie exclaimed in surprise as she attempted stairs as a human for the first time. Lucky for her, Chris grabbed ahold of her arm before she could tumble all the way down. Pinkie steadied herself on the rail and looked up with an embarrassed expression. “Thank you Chris…could you ummm…” Pinkie smiled meekly “…help me down the stairs?”

“Sure Pinkie,” Chris replied with a smile.

Pinkie steadied herself by wrapping an arm around Chris’s torso and grabbing the rail in the other, carefully, the two made it down the stairs and towards the car.

Pinkie stood in front of the same door she was using last night.

Chris opened his door and unlocked the car, “You can ride shotgun, if you like.”

Pinkie stared at him blankly.

“Erm…”, Chris motioned to the passenger seat.

Pinkie gasped, “But I thought that was Dan’s seat?”

Chris smiled warmly, “He’s not here right now. Besides, he usually has to sit in back if Elise is with us.”

“Oh! Who’s Elise?” Pinkie asked excitedly, walking over to the passenger seat.

Pinkie and Chris entered the car and buckled up, Pinkie still smiling to herself every time she successfully got her seatbelt buckled. “Oh right! I haven’t told you about my wife…”

Dan watched as Chris’s car pulled out and into traffic, he grumbled and felt the fresh Mr. Mumbles scratches on his face.

He turned back to his bed, fell face first on it, and soon was snoring away once more.

He awoke to an enthusiastic knock on the door.

What is she? Punishment from God?

He rose to his feet, grumbled, and looked at the clock by his bed. 1 o’clock.

Well, at least it’s now a time when civilized people are up and about.

He opened the door to be greeted by Pinkie’s beaming face, smudged with pink paint.

Pinkie spit out a paint brush with a similar shade of pink she was holding in her teeth and greeted Dan with her renewed zeal.

“Hiya, Dan! Did you get enough sleep?! Huh? Didja, didja, didja?!”

“Ulg,” Dan grunted in reply, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, “what do you want, pink girl?”

“I wanted to thank you and Chris by treating you to lunch! Chris says there’s this place called ‘Lenny’s’ down the street. Oh, please say you’ll come, please, please, pleeeeaaase!?” Pinkie cupped her hands, brought them up to her cheek, and tilted her head, so she was now looking up at Dan with her big, toothy grin.

Dan’s stomached growled in response, Pinkie stood up straight, closing her eyes and smiling wider while keeping her cupped hand by her cheek.

Dan grimaced in response, narrowed his eyes and said, “No,” he softened his tone to something a little more even for a change, “but please choke on something and die at your meal…” he said with a smile, holding a finger up. “Oh!” Dan leveled his finger at Pinkie, “And tell Chris to do the same.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie! Well, you know where to find us if you want to come and mock our corpses!” Pinkie added with a smile. Pinkie bounded off, almost slipped down the stairs, caught herself on the rail, and slowly made her way down to Chris’s car.

“He said 'no', huh?” Chris asked as Pinkie sat down in the passenger seat and happily buckled up.

“He asked that we both choke and die on our meals,” Pinkie said, still smiling.

“Sounds about right.”

“He’ll come around!” Pinkie insisted. “Do you think he’ll be surprised? Doya, doya?” she asked, looking over her shoulder.

“Ooooh, He’ll be surprised, alright,” Chris said with a knowing, mischievous grin.

Dan watched the blue car pull away for the second time that day.

Whatever, I have a war to fight. Lousy deserter Chris…

He grabbed his fliers and walked out the door, shielding his eyes from the sun with a, “Grrrr”.

His eyes opened wide and he gasped.

“My car!” he exclaimed, crouching next to it, and seeing that his red hatchback had been turned pink.

“Bedazzled!” he hissed at the colorful, plastic jewels arranged in the shapes of hearts on the side of his car.

His face turned red with anger.

Oh, that’s the last straw.

IT

IS

ON!

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

End Part 1.

Author's Notes:

Revised

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Disguises

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Disguises

Dan reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys.

‘Lenny’s’, huh? Well, that isn’t far. I can easily…

Dan narrowed his eyes as he noticed the lock indicator was up on his car door.

“Great”, Dan uttered to himself. “Must have left the car unlocked when I checked it this morning.”

Dan opened the car door and peered inside.

Well, it seems to be devoid of glitter…

Doesn’t matter, I’m going to find her, and make her pay!

…

Without hurting her…

…

…or arranging for her to be hurt.

DAMN CHRIS AND HIS THREATS OF VIOLENCE AND/OR LEGAL ACTION.

Well…

She hurt something I loved, I’ll just have to find something of hers and hurt it back.

Dan grinned evilly to himself behind the wheel of his car.

He started it, and pulled out into traffic.

“Nice car, tough guy,” someone called from the street.

“I WILL FIND YOU AND MAKE ORPHANS OF YOUR CHILDREN!” Dan shot back.

He didn’t have to travel far before spotting Chris’s blue sedan at a gas station.

“Hmmm,” he said out loud, “maybe this will be quicker than I thought.”

He pulled around to the back of the station and exited his car. He began to peer around the corner and…

“Hey, girl car. You can only park here if you’re filling your tires with air.”

Dan turned around to see a dark olive, lanky gas station attendant in a grey jumpsuit shooting him a dirty look from the air pump Dan had unwittingly parked next to.

“Ah! My good man! Perhaps you can assist me.” Dan said with a smile. Dan put his arms around the man and brought him around to the back of his car. “I believe there is a quarter in the back of my car, if you would be so kind as to help me look…”

Chris leaned idly by the side of his car and watched the numbers on the gas pump slide up.

So nice to talk to someone about Elise without hearing about how my marriage was a mistake, for a change...

Pinkie “awed” and “oohed” at pretty much any unfamiliar sight, which was still pretty much everything at this point.

Well, things should certainly be quieter without Dan.

I just hope I can keep things from getting awkward...

Still, Pinkie is pretty good at holding a conversation, and...

Chris’s thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound, a sound he quite wished he couldn’t identify based upon helping Dan time and time again.

“Ooh! What’s that?” Pinkie asked with a smile, inquiring about the rhythmic pounding sound.

“Oh that! That’s…nothing…” Chris said with a nervous smile. “Could you excuse me for a second? I have to…”

“…go…”

“…around that corner…”

“…that corner right over there…” Chris pointed to the back of the building

“…for no reason in particular.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said with a trusting smile.

Chris rounded the corner of the station to be greeted by the familiar sight of Dan knocking someone senseless with the hatch of his car, over and over again.

“Dan! Stop! I think you got him!”

Dan looked up at his friend Chris and let go of the very unconscious man in his grip.

“Chris! Ol’ buddy! How’s it going?” Dan asked enthusiastically and started undressing the gas station attendant.

“Dan what do you think you’re doing.” Chris asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

“Why, revenge, of course. What else?” Dan said grinning with a mouthful of pointed teeth.

Chris put on an annoyed expression, sighed, and rolled his eyes. “What else, indeed.”

“Now Chris.” Dan roughly dropped the gas station attendant, now sans jumpsuit which Dan proceeded to try on. “I know you said some things to me that you regret, and I want you to know”-- Dan finished putting on the very loose fitting jumpsuit --"that I forgive you. I think it’s best if we”--Dan reached over and opened the door to the gas station bathroom--“put aside our differences for the sake of vanquishing”--Dan stuffed the unconscious man in the bathroom and tried closing the door, pushing it shut with the full weight of his body and a grunt when it became apparent the unconscious man was in the way of closing the door fully--“a common foe. Come, on buddy! It’ll be just like ol’ times!” Dan put out his hand and smiled wide.

“No Dan. Just no.” Chris said, quickly making an “X” with his arms and throwing them to the side.

“Oh, come on! You don’t even know who…”

“There is no way I’m going to help you get back at Pinkie Pie!” Chris said sternly.

“But look what she did to my car!” Dan insisted, motioning to his pink and bedazzled hatchback.

“Dan, if you actually looked at that for more than a second,” Chris walked over, dragged his finger over the hood and held up his now pink finger in one quick motion, “you’ll find this stuff will come off if it drizzles.”

“Eh tu, Chris? Wait…you helped her didn’t you!” Dan said accusingly.

“Oh Dan, calm down!”

“NO! If you won’t help me get my revenge…”

“Revenge against what?”

Chris and Dan both jumped slightly in their feet and turned towards the smiling, pink haired girl who had snuck up behind them. Pinkie still had smudges of pink paint on her face.

Dan quickly turned away, looked down, rubbed his index finger in a black oil puddle, held it between his nose and upper lip and turned to face Pinkie.

“Good day, madam! It’s just me…your helpful local gas station attendant!” Dan said, trying desperately to disguise his voice by dropping it an octave.

Pinkie squinted at the ‘helpful local gas station attendant’s’ chest. “Ju-an?”

“Yes! It’s me…’Ju-an’,” Dan said, quickly glancing from side to side pensively.

“It says ‘Jaun’,” Chris said flatly.

“WHAT?!” Dan said, his voice returning to its normal, enraged tone. “YOU CAN’T EVEN PRONOU… I mean…YES that is my name.”

“Well, Juan.” Pinkie said with a knowing smile, glancing at the pink, bedazzled hatch-back, “What brings you out here?”

“Oh, you know…” Juan said, desperately thinking of an innocent response, “Gas station stuff…”

“Oh hey! That reminds me!” Chris spoke up. “My windows are a bit dirty. Mind taking care of that for me, Juan?”

Juan grumbled angrily and glared at Chris.

JERK! No way he’s going to blow my cover, though…

"Of course! Wait right here!” Juan turned on his heels dropped his mustache and angrily made his way to Chris’s car.

Pinkie followed Juan with her eyes and smiled impossibly wide.

“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, OHMYGOSH!” she shrieked in excitement. “Dan likes disguises!? I LOVE DISGUISES!”

“Yeah that Dan, always beating uImean dressing up as someone.”

“He almost fooled me, too!” Pinkie said, eyelids dropping slightly and her smile changing to that of one proud of herself.

“Oh?” Chris asked in a surprised tone.

Someone would have to be pretty dense to not see through Dan’s disguise…

“Yeeeaaah,” Pinkie cooed, “but he forgot one small detail!” she added matter of factually. Pinkie placed her palm on the hood of Dan’s car and smiled to herself. She then lifted it and gazed at her palm, realizing she had just turned it pink. “Whoops.”

Juan returned, mustache held against his lip, wielding a squeegee. He quickly swung it over his shoulder splashing Chris in the process.

“Hey!” Chris said, leveling an irritated glance at Juan.

“Your car is all ready to go!”

“Thanks Juan!” Pinkie said, “Oh! We’re going to the ‘Lenny’s’ down the street! Would you like to come with us? We’d love to have your company.” Pinkie said raising her eyebrows knowingly.

“I…erm…would but…” Dan struggled to think of a convincing excuse, “I’m…allergic! To…”

“…”

“…food.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. ”You could have just said you still had work to do.”

“Yeah! That, too!”

“Oh! Well…” Pinkie trailed off. “OH! Pictures!” Pinkie warped her arm around Juan’s neck and snapped a picture of the two of them. “Great! Now you take one Chris!” Pinkie handed the camera to Chris who smiled and said, “Say Cheese!”

Pinkie smiled wide and said “Cheeeeese!”

Juan silently glared at Chris.

Pinkie looked down at her camera excitedly, then looked up. “See you around, Juany…I mean Danny… I mean Juan.” She bounded back to the car with a “tra la la la la”.

“I think she bought it!” Dan said to Chris.

“Dan, will you stop this nonsense and just join us for lunch?”

“And break bread with the enemy? I think not…” Dan said coldly, crossing his arms. “…and don’t think I’m going to let this act of betrayal slide.” Dan angrily climbed into his car.

“Fine,” Chris said, also crossing his arms. “See you at ‘Lenny’s’. Oh!” Chris grinned. “You may want to hide your pink car next time,” Chris said, pointing at the hood.

Dan frowned and looked out his windshield, noticing an effeminate looking hand print on the hood of his car. He buried his face in his palm, mumbled something obscene, started his car, and drove off.

I’ll have to step up his game with this one.

She’s clearly much smarter than she looked.

Chris shook his head, and started walking back to his car and an awaiting Pinkie Pie.

The bathroom door flew open behind him.

“Why does everything taste like pennies?!” A terrified, half-naked, gas station attendant enquired.

Chris went pale, emitted a perturbed “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh”, and made his way back to his car.

Pinkie was beyond giddy at this point, “Oh! What do you think he’ll put on next?! Oh! I bet he’ll show up as our waiter! Oh! Oh! Or maybe a cook!”

“Well, sometimes with Dan you have to expect the unexpected.” Chris dwelled on this for a second. “Okay, actually always with Dan you have to expect the unexpected.” Chris pulled into the parking lot and exited the car.

“Hmnmmm….” Pinkie crossed her arms on the roof of the car and rested her head for a second, then perked up. “Clown. No! Firepon…I mean…person. NO WAIT!” Pinkie shrieked with delight holding her finger up in an ‘ah-ha’ pose. “A Walrus!” She turned her body and wrung her hands, narrowing her eyelids. “No one EVER suspects the Walrus.” She said with a knowing grin.

“Uh huuuh…”Chris said. It began to dawn on him he had swapped out one crazy friend for another flavor of crazy.

He walked to the entrance, holding the door open for Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie walked in, but still had the same knowing grin plastered on her face as she scanned the restaurant and…

“Ah HA!” Pinkie pointed to a tall waiter in a long white coat, with short stubby arms, who looked like he was having a lot of trouble balancing and holding his order of food. “Nice try, DAN, but you have to try better than the ol’ stilts and long coat routine to outsmart this pon…” Pinkie threw open the coat to reveal it was, in fact, three men with dwarfism posing as a single individual. The trio teetered and crashed into a nearby table splattering food all over the occupants and themselves.

Chris sat down at a booth and shielding his eyes, hoping no one noticed him.

Yeah, definitely just a new kind of crazy.

…Wait, why were there three men with dwarfism posing as a waiter?

Pinkie sat down across from Chris and started twiddling her thumbs. “This is hard.” She announced, staring down at her hands.

Their waitress come by and wordlessly dropped a couple of menus and waters. Chris quickly opened his and buried his head in it.

Pinkie grabbed hers and started poring over it, and inhaled as she glanced at a page. “You can order breakfast all day?!” She asked excitedly.

Chris lowered his menu, “Yep! I’m going to order the Home Run Special AND a double, bacon, cheese burger!” He said proudly, “Uh…if that’s OK with you of course.” He added, realizing he wasn’t paying for a change.

“Of course!” Pinkie said in a squeaky voice. “It’s the least I can do for last night!” Just then, Pinkie inhaled a seemingly impossible amount of air.

“Good afternoon, friends.” A short, unshaven, mustachioed man with a soul patch, in a top hat, tuxedo, and grey pants greeted Pinkie and Chris.

Chris and Pinkie stared blankly at him, until Pinkie quickly brought her camera up, snapped a quick photo, and just as quickly put it back in her bag. For one brief, shining second, the world was replaced by the dapper looking gentleman in front of her.

“Would you two do me the honor of letting me dine with you, this fine day?”

“Oh, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” Pinkie said.

Chris rolled his eyes, as the well-dressed gentlemen sat next to him.

The gentlemen doffed his hat at Pinkie, “My name is Moneybags. Mr. Moneybags.”

Pinkie beamed with delight and held out her hand. “My name is Pinkie Pie!” She exclaimed.

Rather than shake it, Mr. Moneybags gently took Pinkie’s hand and gave her knuckles a tiny peck. Pinkie let out an audible “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee” of delight.

Chris simply continued to look perturbed with his head in his menu.

“Chris, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice man?” Pinkie asked.

Chris set his menu down, crossed his arms, and simply glared down at the well-dressed man sitting next to him.

“Chris, that is not how we make friends.” Pinkie said in a maternal tone.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Pinkie, sighed, and extended a hand to Mr. Moneybags.

Mr. Moneybags took it and gave it a firm shake. “Charmed, I’m sure.”

Their waitress returned, placed a water in front of the well-dressed man, and coldly asked, “Are you ready to order?”

Chris ordered his special and burger, Pinkie ordered an endless stack of pancakes and some French toast, Mr. Moneybags ordered a turkey sandwich, no cheese, and no vegetables.

The waitress took their order and gave Pinkie a funny look as she walked off. Pinkie furrowed her brow and looked back at the two men sitting across from her.

“Pinkie,” Chris whispered, “your face.”

Pinkie reached up only to smear MORE pink paint on her face. “Whoops, silly me! Be right back!” She dashed for the restroom.

Chris exhaled and looked down at Mr. Moneybags.

“Dan, where did you get that outfit?” Chris asked, arms crossed.

“I spotted a Conglomerate promotion a few blocks over when I hid my car. Their 75th anniversary or something. I rolled the mascot.” Dan answered grinning to himself. “These clothes fit perfectly and they look amaaaazing!”

“Dan, this is ridiculous! Why don’t you just try being her friend?” Chris asked, throwing his hands out in front of him, palms turned up.

“BECAUSE!” Dan insisted. “She’s the enemy.” Dan’s face twisting into a sneer.

“You know she caused three dwarfs to drop a tray full of food on a table.”

“She…wha?” Dan replied, cocking an eyebrow.

“She was trying to look for you and…” Chris clenched his eyes shut, leaned his head down, and clenched the bridge of his nose with his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger. “…it sounds crazy even describing it. It’s exactly the sort of thing you would do!”

Before Dan could respond, Pinkie bounded back to the table with a happy grin, and sat back down.

“So, Mr. Moneybags! Tell us about yourself!”

Dan put back on his ‘old money’ voice, and regaled the table with the delights of being rich and owning multiple properties, houses, and hotels in between bouts of Pinkie taking photos of everyone at the table and forcing the staff to snap photos as well.

Before long, their food had arrived.

Chris hungrily dug in.

Mr. Moneybags opened his sandwich and sighed disappointedly, staring at the bright, rectangular yellow blemish on his sandwich.

Pinkie looked at the sandwich, frowned, and stood up. She walked over and put her hand on Mr. Moneybag’s shoulder and smiled warmly down at him. “I’ll take care of this, dapper Dan man.”

Pinkie grabbed the plate that was in front of Dan, walked into the kitchen and…

“WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE?! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU JUST PUT POISON IN A MAN’S FOOD?! HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED WITH YOUR CARELESSNESS!? HOW MUCH BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS?! MAKE IT AGAIN AND DON’T EMBARRASS YOURSELVES THIS TIME!”

Chris’s and Dan’s jaws dropped. Though, Chris recovered quickly enough to continue eating. Dan continued gawking at Pinkie until she sat down across from him and Chris.

“They said, they’d make you a new one and get it out to you in a jiffy,” Pinkie said sweetly, pulling her lips up into an audible squee. She grabbed a slice of plain white toast from a plate in front of her and took a small bite. “Toast?” She asked, sliding the plate towards Dan.

Dan regained his senses long enough to grab a slice and start nibbling on it.

Within a matter of minutes, a new, cheeseless, vegetableless turkey sandwich was in front of him, which he happily consumed.

After the three had finished their meals, the waitress came to fetch their plates. “Finished?” she asked, eager to get them out of the restaurant.

Pinkie smiled wide. “Dessert?” she asked.

The waitress sighed, pulled out her pad of paper and pen, and tapped her foot impatiently.

“I will have the double-chocolate sundae!” Chris exclaimed.

“Pie al a Mode, without the ‘a la mode’.” Dan said, still doing an ‘old money’ voice.

Pinkie looked across the table to someone’s yellow drink with a red tint on top, “Oooh, what’s that!?” she asked excitedly.

The waitress looked behind her and sighed. “Strawberry lemonade,” she answered flatly.

“Sounds delicious! I LOVE strawberries AND lemonade.”

“Hope you like disappointment, too.” Dan muttered, forgetting he was still pretending to be someone else.

Pinkie glanced at him.

Dan decided to clear his throat for about the next thirty seconds to detour suspicion.

Chris prayed they’d get out of the restaurant without further incident.

It was not to be.

The waitress soon returned with their order, along with a check. Placing all the dessert items in front of them along with the slip of paper.

Pinkie took a sip of her drink, leaned her head under the table, and quickly spit what she had sipped on the floor. “Blech!” she exclaimed.

Chris increased the pace of his eating, sensing he had very little time to consume his dessert.

“What IS this?” Pinkie asked with a disgusted look on her face, motioning at her beverage.

The waitress sighed, a sound the occupants of the table were getting used to. “It’s what you ordered, ma’am.”

Dan waved his hand dismissively, “Only if she ordered artificially colored sugar water with synthetic lemon and strawberry flavors.” he said in his regular tone of voice.

Pinkie’s face went red. “FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!? FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!?” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Chris feverishly attempted to devour his sundae.

“Ma’am, if you’d like something else, I’m sure…”

“WHY?! SO YOU CAN SERVE US MORE LIES AND POISON?!”

“Gwah!” Chris grabbed his head having consumed way too much ice cream way too fast.

“AND NOW THEY’RE TRYING TO GET CHRIS, TOO! WELL NO DICE! TELL MR. LENNY THAT WE’VE SEEN THROUGH HIS TWISTED WEB OF DECENT AND MURDER!” Pinkie turned to Dan. “Mr. Moneybags!” Pinkie called out with authority.

Dan hopped to his feet, wide eyed.

“Grab Chris and RUN!” Dan grabbed his friend who rose to his feet, before either could process what was going on, Pinkie grabbed her glass and point blank threw the contents into the face of their waitress.

Their waitress wasted no time in clutching her face, collapsing to the ground, and screaming, “HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” as she writhed in agony.

The three bolted for the door.

Once outside, Chris sprinted for his car. Pinkie stopped and grabbed Dan’s hand, causing him to turn and face her. She leaned down, put her mouth within an inch of his ear, and whispered, “We’ll be at the mall, next.” With that, she jumped in the car with Chris.

The blue sedan sped off into the distance.

Dan quickly made himself scarce, stripped back down to his jeans and ‘JERK’ shirt, and started walking back to his car, clutching most of his disguise (he opted to keep wearing the hat, not wanting to damage it).

He pondered his next move…

Maybe friendship with Pinkie wouldn’t be so bad…

After I’ve had my revenge, of course.

Author's Notes:

Revised, Revised.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Chapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom

Elise clawed at the headset on her ears in frustration. A useless gesture since she was still fully suited up in her Hazmat suit.

What the heck was that?!

Elise sighed, her theory pretty much a smoking ruin at this point. She had bugged Chris’s clothing before he left this morning. A small wireless microphone and a much larger receiver and transmitter planted in the car made spying on him, or more importantly, those around him, rather easy.

‘Pinkie Pie’ and her sudden arrival is suspicious, that’s for sure. If she wanted to harm Dan, she could have done it easily by now.

She could be after me…wouldn’t be the first time an enemy agent targeted me.

Still, if she wanted me dead, she probably would have done it, already. I mean, in this scenario she’s already got enough intel to befriend Chris. She could’ve discreetly used him to get close enough to me to steal something…

Though, ‘discreet’ doesn’t seem to be in her vocabulary. Not after she made such a mess at ‘Lenny’s’, I can’t even believe she’s a spy at this point…

…

Oh well. It’s actually a relief going back to thinking no enemy agencies knew enough about me to also know about Chris.

She turned back to the device with the large radioactive symbol printed on it. Maybe she could finish early enough to invite everyone for a late dinner and she could see for herself what this Pinkie was like.

Chris rested his chin on his hand with a bored expression plastered across his face, his body slouching on a bench.

His silent prayer that the day return to some degree of normalcy had been answered, but…

Well…

Be careful of what you wish for.

…

WHY?

WHY, GOD, WHY?!

Pinkie emerged from the dressing rooms wearing a light pink raglan with slightly darker pink sleeves, loose, blue suspenders hanging over dark pink shorts with light pink highlights, yellow-and-blue striped stockings and red sneakers.

“How does this look, Chris?” Pinkie asked, blue eyes beaming with a smile to match all framed by curly pink hair and a white bandage across her forehead.

Chris plastered on a fake smile, “It looks great, Pinkie!”

Pinkie brought her clenched hands together in under her chin with a huge smile, turned back into the dressing room, and bounded out of site.

Chris heard a startled “Whaaah”, a crash, and a familiar “I’m ooooookaaaay.”

…Please God.

ANYTHING!

ANYONE!

Just SAVE me from…

Chris’s phone rang and in a flash he clicked the “Talk” icon and held his phone up to his ear.

“DAN! Thank GOD you called.”

There was a pause.

“Chris, please.” Dan requested, not used to an enthusiastic Chris on the other line.

“Haha”, Chris said sarcastically. “You’ve GOT to help me! She’s taken me…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone. “…clothes shopping.”

Pinkie appeared once more, while Chris instinctively put back on his mask of enjoyment.

“And this?” Pinkie asked. This time in a simple pink and red floral design shirt and cutoff jeans.

“It looks great, Pinkie!” He said, perfectly matching tone and cadence of his last “It looks great, Pinkie!”, and the one before that, and the one before that…

…and the one before that.

Pinkie smiled wide, and trotted back out of sight.

“Chris? Stay with me, buddy. We’re going to get through this together.” Dan said, a touch of concern in his voice. “Anyhow,” Dan added, “She needs a new outfit. She dresses like a high schooler who escaped from a school where everyone is forced to wear colorful clothing at gunpoint.”

“She’s not getting ‘a new outfit’, Dan! She’s getting…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone, his voice little more than a raspy, hollow version, of his old voice, once so full of hope and life “…a collection of outfits.” Chris’s voice broke into quiet, muffled, sobs.

“You mean a ‘collection of a single outfit’, right?” Dan asked in disbelief.

“N….na…no…” Chris whispered in his low, hollow voice. “She’s getting…” Chris started tearing up"…getting…”Chris swallowed hard “…more than one outfit.”

Pinkie Pie appeared again.

“Chris! Chris! How’s this one look?”

“It looks great, Pinkie!”

“…you didn’t actually look up.”

Through chipping away at his expression like a stone cutter chipping at granite, Chris’s expression changed to a tortured smile and he looked up.

Pinkie was wearing a simple pink dress, a denim jacket, and some blue flats.

“It looks great, Pinkie!”

“Awww, thanks!” Pinkie said smiling, bounding off to the back again.

“Help me Dan…help me!”

“Stay with me buddy, I’ll find you. Which store are you in.”

“Boredstrom’s,” Chris said, a hint of his old tone in his voice.

There was a sound of laughter on the other end. “Niiiice one buddy. I think that deserves an ‘oh, snap!’”

Some color returned to Chris’s fate. “Dan, I’m trying to use humor to keep my spirits up, but I’m breaking. God help me, I’m breaking!”

“I’ll be there shortly,” Dan said.

“Let me guess,” Chris said, “You need to beat up someone who works at the mall and wear their clothing so you can discreetly keep an eye on ‘Pinkie Pie’ for your revenge scheme?” Chris said, his voice returning to his normal ‘annoyed with Dan’ tone.”

“…You are so juvenile, you know that?” Dan answered. “She invited me here! Why would I need to disguise myself if she asked me to come?”

Chris brought his palm up to his face and dragged it downwards. “Riiiiight. What was I thinking? So you’re giving up on vengeance then?”

“NEVER! I’ve just decided to call a little truce for now, that’s all.”

“Dan, I really think you should just give…”

Pinkie popped into view again, wearing a red and white striped, long-sleeved shirt, short denim shorts, and pink sneakers.

“Ooooh, Chriiiiiisss~” She called.

“It looks great, Pinkie!” Chris said, his tone rampaging like a wild animal, neck violently spasming with every word.

Pinkie giggled, and bounded back to the dressing room with a “tr la la la la”.

Chris huddled over his phone, violently shaking. “Dan?” he said in a voice of pure, unadulterated terror, “What if she starts changing her outfit every year…WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER OUTFIT EVERY MONTH!?” Panic gripped Chris’s heart like the reaper plucking a soul from the mortal coil. He murmured into the phone, “It’s too late for me, buddy. Tell my wife I love her…and ice cream…but mostly her.” Chris spun around to find the nearest window to throw himself out of, but something caught his eye.

Dan was standing a few feet in front of him.

Chris terminated the call. “How long have you been there?” he asked flatly.

Dan looked up to the ceiling for a second, tapping his chin with his index finger. “‘What was I thinking?’” he answered, returning his gaze to Chris.

“What took you so long, anyways?” Chris demanded, angrily leveling a finger at Dan.

“I had to find your car, and…why am I on trial here?!” Dan asked, agitated.

“Sorry Dan.” Chris’s voice softened to an even tone. “Can you blame me? I’ve been stuck here in the Twilight Zone where picking out outfits”--Chris stressed the ‘s’ as hard as he could—“is a thing, plus there was the whole ordeal at ‘Lenny’s’.”

Dan’s smile grew wide, “Which I had nothing to do with! Wasn’t it great?”

“But you…” Chris paused. Dan was right. Dan’s only oddball behavior was assaulting a mascot a few blocks away and showing up dressed in formal wear.

For once, there was a commotion that Dan had nothing to do with.

Pinkie had singlehandedly caused three separate incidents at the restaurant ending with the three of them fleeing the scene of the crime.

That’s it.

She is the antilife.

She will consume this planet in Hellfire and we are all doomed to dance her twisted dance to her off-beat drum until she tires of us!

I need an escape.

I need an out.

Pinkie popped into view wearing a short sleeved button-up white shirt covered by a blue sweater vest, cut-off jeans, rainbow colored leg warmers, and red flats.

“OK, now be honest, I have a goo…DAN!” Pinkie took a running jump and tackle-hugged Dan to the ground, whose back responded with a crack and whose voice responded with a “Ghhak!”

Chris couldn’t take it. He turned and fled to the window. The closer he got to the window, the freer he felt. The world outside shone like the brightest freedom he had never known. A comfort beyond this dingy world with its girls who purchase multiple ensembles and attack waitresses with sugary, syrupy beverages. His expression changed to that of serene joy.

He didn’t belong to the world anymore.

He belonged to the world of light.

This thin sheet of glass…nay…this tall, pudgy body would not trap his soul any longer.

He leapt.

Leapt into the open, outstretched arms of pure freedom and bliss.

Glass shattered around him, catching rays of sunlight that hit him from all angles. Turning the world into thousands and thousands points of light.

As he the ground rushed to meet him, his last thoughts were…

I’m finally home.

“Uhhhh…” Pinkie looked down at Chris who had curled into the fetal position on the carpet, started staring blankly into space and chanting “Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!” over and over again with a twisted smile on his face.

“Is he okay?” Pinkie asked Dan with concern.

Dan lifted his foot and poked Chris with the point of his shoe.

Chris simply rocked back in forth in response.

Dan shrugged. “He’ll be fine.” he answered. He looked back up at Pinkie and smiled. “You look great, by the way!”

“REALLY?!” Pinkie said, her face lit up with a shining smile.

“Really, really.” Dan answered. “Professional looking from the waist up, but fun and quirky going the other direction,”

Pinkie beamed.

“…But if you tell anyone I just made a Shrek reference, I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.” Dan added informatively.

“What’s a ‘Shrek’?”

“Never mind.” Dan rocked back and forth on his heels. “Any more?”

“Nope!” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “All done-runnery-run!”

Chris suddenly came to his senses, sprung to his feat “Oh, COME ON!” He said throwing both his hands out in a Pinkie Pieish direction.

“Chris buddy! So nice of you to join us!” Dan said, happily.

“Yeah…I kinda went somewhere for a moment…” Chris said, his sentence and vision trailing off into space.

“Yes, that was very rude,” Dan said sternly.

“You feeling alright, Chris?” Pinkie inquired with a touch of concern in her voice.

“FINE!” Chris insisted sharply, his head twitching slightly. “Everything is just fine!” He forced a smile to grow on his face like mold slowly gaining a foothold on a loaf of bread.

Pinkie smiled, relieved. “Okie-dokie-lokie! Let me just change back into what I was…”

Chris slowly turned his head to look out the window, the light shining through it seductively.

Dan put his hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I think you should just wear this out of the store.” he said with a smile.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Chris thanked God, any other deities listening, and just the universe in general that Dan existed.

“You can DO that?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan patted Pinkie’s back for store tags. With a little “Eek” from Pinkie, pulled each one off her clothing, and handed her the little pile of cardboard slips.

Pinkie graciously took the pile. “Thank you, Dan.” she said happily. “Oh!” Pinkie Pie wiped out her camera, scotched close into Dan and snapped a photo of the two, Dan actually cracking a smile for the camera.

“Welp! I guess I should go pay, then.” Pinkie said, motioning to two shopping carts full of shirts, skirts, dresses, socks, shoes, etc…

Dan looked amazed. “You’re buying all this?”

“Yep…why? Is there something wrong with that?” Pinkie asked, wondering if she was unwittingly committing some strange form of taboo on this world.

Chris bended down and whispered in Dan’s ear, “She’ll be the end of us all, she’s the seventh seal. She has become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Time.” he said, putting his arms around Chris and walking him a few feet further from Pinkie Pie.

Chris blinked. “What?”

“J. Robert Oppenheimer mistranslated the line. It’s more accurate to say ‘time’ instead of ‘death.’” Dan sad informatively, but annoyed.

Chris stood up. “No kidding..? What was he quoting?”

Dan threw his hands up in the air, “I DON’T KNOW! Some Indian rock band, or something…Look…” Dan said, abruptly changing the subject. “…You want to get out of this alive, right?”

Chris glanced at the window and started sweating profusely. “Yes. That is a thing I would like very much.”

“Good,” Dan replied. He pointed towards the mall entrance of the store. “See that caramel corn stand?”

“Yes, I see it,” Chris replied.

Dan grabbed Chris by both shoulders and pulled him closer to his face, making sure Chris’s undivided attention was on him.

“You’re going to go over there, buy two bags of caramel corn, meet us at the register, and give one of the bags to me,” Dan said.

“And the caramel corn will keep us alive?!” Chris said, smiling, hope finally reentering the fragmented shell he called ‘existence’.

“I guarantee it, buddy,” Dan said encouragingly.

Chris stood up. “Bless you Dan.” he said, turning towards the caramel corn shop, tears in his eyes. “Bless you,” he added with a whisper.

Dan turned back to look at Pinkie, who seemed pensive as she absentmindedly played with the hem of her shirt. A sign Dan was starting to recognize as her ‘I’m not sure what I should be doing now’ move.

“Here,” Dan said, going up to one of the carts, “let me help you bring this to the register.”

Pinkie’s smile returned as quickly as it left, and she led the way to the nearest register.

A blond, light-skinned, female cashier looked up at the two carts presented in front of her. “I...I…”she stammered. “M…Miss, are you buying all this?”

“Yepie-depie-lepie!” Pinke answered enthusiastically.

“Early Christmas shopping?”

“What’s ‘Christmas’?”

“Hanukah.”

“What’s ‘Hanukah’?”

The cashier looked Pinkie up and down. It was a long shot, but…

“Kwanzaa?” The cashier asked, gulping.

“What’s…”

Dan interrupted, putting a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder and motioning to her with his other hand, “My friend here would like to purchase all these clothes for herself…to wear.”

“Did you just call me ‘friend’?” Pinkie said, a hopeful look on her face, her heart skipping a beat.

The cashier froze in place, looking at the cart Pinkie had pushed up.

“Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head, or I’ll have to demote you to ‘associate’,” Dan said with a wry grin.

Pinkie enthusiastically shook her head. “I won’t, Dan!”

Dan looked back at the cashier, “Clothes! Scan, NOW!”

“I…yes…of course sir…ma’am. Right away.”

The cashier began scanning items, breaking into sobs that wracked her body by the time she rung up enough clothing to make three different outfits.

“Cindy?” a dark complexioned man called from a few isles down. He approached the register.

“Oh, Robert! This woman is purchasing all this clothing….FOR HERSELF!”

“What?! But…”

“Dan, if I’m doing something wrong….”

“NO!” Dan insisted, “You are the customer and the customer is always right. You have every right to buy this clothing!” Dan looked at the cashiers. “Doesn’t she?”

Robert stood up straight. “Yes. Yes you’re right. It’s our duty as cashiers to make sure she’s happy with her purchase.”

Chris returned with two huge bags of caramel corn.

“Chris! Perfect timing! It’s starting to get good!”

Chris looked over the mounds of clothing still needing to be purchased, stuck a hand into his bag of caramel corn, and shoved a giant handful into his mouth.

“Oh, Robert!” Cindy said, embracing Robert tightly, one foot in the air. “You’ve restored my drive as a clothing store cashier.”

“Yes Cindy.” Robert said, smiling warmly. “Let’s ring her up, together.”

The couple managed to scan all the items, slowly losing their pace, buckling under the mental strain of the concept of a girl who would wear more than a single outfit, but they reached the end. They had…

Dan chewed a mouthful of caramel corn, and pushed up the second cart. “This one, too.”

Little by little, a crowd of store employees and customers, most of whom with stacks and stacks of identical articles of clothing, gathered around the scene in front of them.

Robert broke down into a heap of tears, “I can’t do it. I can’t go on. I just can’t.”

Pinkie’s lower lip quibbled. “I can put stuff back, if…”

“NO!” Dan insisted, putting an arm around the slightly taller woman’s shoulders. He looked back to the cashiers. “This woman can purchase anything she wants, HOW she wants. It’s not up to us to dictate how she can and can’t buy her clothing.”

Cindy embraced Robert tightly. “Come on Robert!” she said through, sobs of her own. “It’s you and me against the world. We’ll get through this together, or die trying.”

Robert broke into tortured wailing, “I’M SORRY, CINDY! I CAN’T BE THE MAN YOU NEED ME TO BE!”

“What in Sam Hill is going on here?!” A muscular man with brown, slicked back hair, a mustache, wearing a white shirt and a black tie and a name tag that said ‘Frank’ walked up.

“Ah, good day sir.” Dan said politely, handing his bag of caramel corn to Pinkie, who took a few handfuls in to her mouth.

“Hmmmmm! Tasty!” Pinkie said, enjoying the sugary snack.

Chris was already halfway through his own bag, eating at a fevered pace.

“My friend here would like to purchase all this clothing.” Dan said, motioning to the items scanned and bagged and the items in cart #2. “To wear…for herself.”

Cindy and Robert broke into a heap of tears and clung to each other desperately.

Frank put his, big, stern hands on their shoulders.

“Take a break you, two. You’ve done enough.”

Robert and Cindy looked up. “But…SIR..!” Robert began.

Frank shook his head from side to side. “I’m sorry solider. Training…” he trailed off for a second, picking his word. “Training doesn’t always prepare us for the real world, and sometimes even surviving multiple ‘Black Fridays’ isn’t enough when all we thought we knew about the world is called into question.” Frank sighed, his heavy shoulders heaving as if taking the weight of the world on them. “Take a break.”

Cindy and Robert looked at each other, exchanged a longing glance, and stood up.

“No sir.” Robert said, defiantly.

“I SAID TAKE A BREAK, SOLDIER! THAT’S AN ORDER!”

Cindy spoke up, “We can’t sir. We can’t have our love tarnished knowing we left you to die at the register.” Cindy took a shirt…

…AND SCANNED IT.

Pinkie and Dan where now freely sharing a bag of caramel corn, she leaned closer to Dan and whispered “This is getting REALLY good!” Pointing to the cashiers.

Dan smiled, and took another handful of caramel corn.

Frank teared up a bit, and patted both cashiers on the shoulder.

“You two are the best soldiers I’ve ever had in my command. Alright, we fight together, we DIE together. If we don’t make it through this, I’ll see you both in Raghalla.”

There was cheers and crying from the crowd, the manager and his two cashiers fought bravely, scanning item after item, removing hangers, and security tags. A seemingly endless pile of clothing stood against them, but at the end of the day, the clothes where found wanting, and conveniently bagged for taking to the car.

“Anything else, miss?” Frank asked, exhausted, out of breath, but alive, so very alive.

“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed looking down at her cart. She reached down and produced a sizeable pile of colorful fashion jewelry. “This, too! It’ll be great to accessorize.”

The crowd gasped.

Robert cracked. “NO! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” He sprinted to the window, and threw his body through it with a blood curdling scream, the sound of shattering glass cutting deeply into the tense air.

Cindy fell under the onslaught as well. “No Robert! TAKE ME WITH YOU!” Cindy cried, diving through the hole Robert had left in the window. A hole she couldn’t bear to have in her heart.

Pinkie Pie turned to the broken window shocked. “Maybe I should just go…”she started.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by Frank putting a large, stubby finger within a few inches of Dan’s mouth.

“No.” Frank said, looking at Pinkie. “They were good soldiers, the BEST even, but they knew the risks when they enlisted.” Frank looked back at his staff who had started to cry at the tragic loss of their co-workers. “We hold the line here. We will NOT let Cindy and Robert die in vain! Are you with me?”

A dark complexioned woman with brown, curly hair stepped up. “Do the job, sir.”

Frank, began ringing bracelets, necklaces, rings with hearts on them, and items of all different shapes in colors. Other employees would walk up to bag, some falling in duty and being dragged off to the side, only to be replaced by the next worker.

Eventually, the jewelry was all bagged, and added to the carts with the other articles of clothing.

Frank, huffed, his mouth dry, his muscles aching. “Any…anything, else?” he asked.

“Nopie-dopie-dope!” Pinkie happily produced her wallet. “OH! I almost forgot.”

Dan and Chris inhaled handfuls of caramel corn, their eyes transfixed on the drama in front of them.

Pinkie produced a small collection of store tags. “These are what I’m wearing now!”

Frank looked at them in shook. “That’s…that’s not what you were wearing when you first got dressed, today?”

“Nope! Dan said it looked so good I should just wear it out of the store!” Pinkie said sweetly. “Good thing, too! I was starting to get tired of wearing the same thing I was wearing last night.”

In the crowd, people fainted, screamed, and rushed children towards emergency exits, pushing each other in an effort to get away. Clothing displays tumbled, mannequins fell to the ground…

Pinkie stared confusedly at the carnage unfolding in front of her.

Dan and Chris devoured their caramel corn.

Frank threw up his arms for silence. “HOLD RANKS!” he yelled in a booming voice. His retail store workers, the ones still standing, obediently complied.

“And how often are you going to wear something new? Yearly...” he gulped, his grim face darkened by the horrors he had witnessed that day… “Monthly?”

Pinkie Pie giggled, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

Frank’s expression softened.

“I’ll probably pick something new every day!”

Panicked screaming gripped the ranks, but against all odds, with a scream of “I SAID HOLD THE RANKS.” The line held.

“DAN!” Chris said in a panicked desperation, “I’m out of popcorn!”

Dan handed Chris what was left of his bag. “Hang in there buddy.” Dan said reassuringly. “We’re almost through this.”

Chris took the bag of caramel corn and buried his head in it as if he was eating from a feed bag.

Pinkie’s eyes confusingly darted from side to side… “So…how much?” She said, holding up her wallet.

Frank reached down and clasped Pinkie’s hands over her wallet, he looked deep into her blue eyes, the color of the sky, the color of the heavens, and said, “Nothing. The clothes are yours. Keep them and…remember us…remember how bravely we fought.”

“Ummm…thanks? And…sure?” Pinkie said, having lost complete track of anything that was going on at this point.

Frank turned to his troops. “I’m sorry, but…it’s over. In our hubris we thought we could play with the gods’ fire. But we got burnt.” Workers at the store began to weep openly. “We all have told our little lies to ourselves, that we weren’t doing anything wrong, that WE were simply catering to as many people as possible, but this woman…no, ANGEL has come to show us our folly. We were fools. Prideful, sinful fools to think we could control what we had unleashed on the world.” Frank wiped a tear from his eye.

“Burn it down.”

“Burn it all down.”

“Don’t let our mistake corrupt the world. We opened Pandora’s Box, we can’t close it…but maybe we can just hold it back…even for just a little while.”

Pinkie leaned in close to Dan. “Dan…can you help explain what’s going on? I’m really starting to freak out and…”

Frank put his, large, heavy hands on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Go. Don’t you understand? You’re our ‘hope’. Take your bounty of apparel and leave us to our fate.” Frank began to weep openly, “I’m sorry but…erm…”

“Pinkie Pie.”

“…Pinkie Pie. Yes, of course, such a…heavenly name.” The screams and flames behind Frank rose high, beginning to consume everything. “I’m sorry but…we’re not ready to live in the glorious world you do. We’re not worthy. But…thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us.”

“Yoooou’re…welcome?” Pinkie said with a confused smile.

Frank felt his heart melt with Pinkie’s words.

Maybe there is still a spot for me in heaven after all…

Frank turned to the roaring fire, and walked into the flames.

Never to be seen or heard from again.

“Dan…Did that man just…”

Chris had finished the caramel corn from the bag and was now desperately trying to lick any sugary residue left inside.

“Yeah, we should probably go…” Dan said pushing a cart with one hand and grabbing Chris with the other.

Pinkie grabbed the other cart and exited the store, the three putting some distance between them and the blaze, the firefighters, and the mass of onlookers.

Pinkie’s heart felt very heavy in her chest as she desperately tried to comprehend what had just taken place. Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt she would collapse into a bottomless pit of tears and sadness.

Dan put his hands on her shoulders and got her to make eye contact with him. “Don’t cry Pinkie. If it makes you feel better, stuff like this happens all the time when Chris and I go to the mall.”

Pinkie held the dam of tears and sadness at bay. “Really?”

“WHAT?! No Dan, no it does…” Chris stopped himself, thought for a second, remembering Christmases working with Dan, and just trips to buy a few things. He sighed slouching his shoulders and plastered an ‘I give up’ expression on his face. “Actually, yes, Pinkie. Something like this pretty much happens every time Dan and I go to the mall.”

Pinkie Pie wiped her tears, and resurrected a smile onto her face.

She did, in fact, feel a little better.

Author's Notes:

And thus the back in forth "Pinke Vs", "Dan Vs." perishes like so many retail store employees.

I knew it wasn't to last. It was fun for a while, but I knew it would come in the way of storytelling eventually.

Fun fact: Before sitting down to write it, the only things in this chapter that are in it now where the opening with Elise, the fact that Pinkie is buying clothing at a mall, and that Dan didn't want to bother with a disguise.

Somehow, this turned into epic meta commentary on the Dan Vs. and cartoon characters in general...

ALSO, Pinkie's outfits where all taken from fan-art:

Outfit 1
Outfit 2
Outfits 3 and 4
Final outfit, the one she leaves the store in

So, thanks to all the wonderful artists here and their excellent work who gave me something to work with.

Thanks for reading!

Revised, and I don't care what anyone says. I was in the zone when I wrote this...though, I'm not sure which.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 10 Dan Vs. Mall Cop

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Chapter 10 Dan Vs. Mall Cop

“So,” Dan said as he rubbed his hands together, “what’s next?”

Chris’s jaw dropped. “You’re not serious…DAN,” Chris said raising his voice. “There’s a multi-story clothing store that’s still on fire,” Chris said as he motioned back towards the direction they just walked from, “and you want to know what store we’re going to next?”

“Of course! There are several dozen apparel stores here. I figure Pinkie can hit at least half before the mall closes, or they’re forced to kick everyone out from fear of smoke inhalation.”

Chris’s pupils dilated, he bent down and wrapped his hands around his knees, and gently started rocking back and forth.

Even Pinkie gave a little shudder. “Ummm…” She looked at her two shopping carts full of clothing, the last surviving relics of a once proud, but now flaming anchor store. “I’m pretty sure I have enough clothes, now.”

Chris sat back upright, hope returning to his face.

Dan shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Pinkie giggled and cocked an eyebrow. “Did you just pun? I love puns! Pun rhymes with ‘fun’ and Pinkie Pie is all abo…”

“Pinkie”, Dan said, putting a hand on the bubbly girl’s shoulder, “I would like to inform you that I own multiple items capable of delivering blunt force trauma, and remind you that I know where you live.” Dan said calmly with a smile.

“Consider me informed and reminded!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Pack mule,” Dan said producing his keys and turning to Chris in one, smooth motion. “I parked next to you.” Dan tossed his keys at Chris who snagged them as they hit his chest. “Be a dear and load my car up while the lady and I hit some more shops.”

“What? Why?” Chris asked, annoyed that Dan was forcing manual labor on him.

“A: Because she lives next to me and I can easily take her home and help her unpack…”
At the mention that Dan was not only going to take her home, but actually help her, her face radiated with happiness, she cupped a hand over her fist and brought her hands up to her chin, then started giddily hopping from one foot to the next.
“B: Because you’re the Chris.”
Pinkie lost her footing and had another date with the ground.
“C: Because, do you really want to do more shopping with us?”
Pinkie stood up in a flash with a little, “I’m up!” in case anyone hadn’t noticed.

Chris looked at Dan, then at Pinkie, then behind her to the smoldering store, smoke still billowing out of the entrance, then at the two full shopping carts. He grinned wide, “Sure I’ll take these to your car, buddy!” Chris placed a hand on either cart and added, “But, it’s an awful lot of clothing, and your car is ever so small. It might take me a while to load it all up.”

Dan waved. “Take your time, buddy.”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie bounded up to Chris. “Where should we meet up?”

“Food court.” Chris said without so much as having to think.

“Ulg, No!” Dan answered disgustedly. “Not the food court.”

“Wow! Is that like, where food goes to stand trial? Because that sounds amazing!” Pinkie answered excitedly.

“I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you,” Dan said.

“Come on, Dan! I’ve given so much today,” Chris insisted. “Don’t take this away from me,” He added, begging as a slight hollowness returned to his voice.

Dan rolled his eyes and with an annoyed “Fiiiiiiiiine!” Chris happily pushed the carts towards outside.

“So,” Dan started, turning back to Pinkie, “what else do you need for the new place? A set of kitchen knives? A high-speed blender? Power tools? A medieval weapon to smite your enemies with?” Dan asked, moving his eyebrows up and down on the last suggestion.

Pinkie pondered this. “Well…There isn’t much there, but I think I conveniently have all the items the plot requires at any given time.” Pinkie said over the sound of a wall collapsing behind her.

Dan blinked a few times trying to process what Pinkie just said, shook his head to clear it. “There must be something you need,” he insisted.

Pinkie thought a little harder, but stopped when something caught her eye. “Oh! Oh! That thing!” Pinkie ran into a store excitedly and grabbed a pink, frilly photo album. She held it up smiling, and looked around to realize she was standing in an aisle full of stickers, more bedazzling jewels, and other assortment of craft items, and with a high pitched squeal of delight, Pinkie began rummaging through the selection and grabbing item after item, stacking them on top of the photo album.

Dan sighed. Oh well, looks like I signed up for a bit more regular shopping and a bit less wanton destruction than I thought. Maybe I can figure out her weaknesses at least…

Just then, something caught Dan’s eye. He quickly hid around the entrance to the store and peered out.

Mall cop…

A large, pudgy man with a small mustache, closely cropped brown hair in a white uniform and black pants held on with a belt that had a small canister, a walkie-talkie, and a small assortment of other small boxes and compartments hanging off of it cruised by on a Segway.

Dan narrowed his eyes at the man. The day has come, Mall cop. Your name had been a black stain on “the list” for far too long! Vengeance shall be…”

“Who are we spying on?” A familiar, feminine voice whispered from above him.

Dan let out a startled “Gah!”, and leapt a few feet away from Pinkie. How does she do that? She’s clumsy enough that she’s wearing a bandage over her forehead, but somehow she can seemingly pop out of nowhere? And how does she do it so quietly? She spends just about every other waking moment talking or making some high-pitched noise or anoth…

“Dan?” Pinkie asked, breaking his concentration.

“Ah…erm…” Dan threw an arm around Pinkie’s shoulders and brought her out so she could see his target.

“Mall cop,” Dan answered, pointing towards the large man on a Segway, no small amount of scorn in his voice.

Pinkie giggled. “What’s that?”

“He’s an evil individual who is a blight on the mall and all who grace its doors. He flaunts what little power he has afforded by his title and harasses all he comes across,” Dan answered, lacing his words with righteous indignation.

“No, I mean…what’s that he’s riding?” Pinkie pointed at the upright, wheeled device that was propelling the mall security officer at the blistering speed of eight miles per hour.

“Oh, that’s a Segway,” Dan answered, “Lazy people use them when they don’t feel like walking places.”

Pinkie closed her eyes and laughed. “That’s silly! Walking is one of my favorite things ev-devely-ever! She glanced at the Segway as vehicle and driver exited the mall into the parking lot. “Looks fun, though.”

“Yeah…” Dan trailed off and thought for a second, “Let’s steal it!”

“What? Dan no, we can’t…”

“But… Vengeance!” Dan insisted, turning his palms up for dramatic effect.

“Dan! I’m sorry, but there are just some things I’m not comfortable with, and ‘stealing from people because they’re unpleasant to those around them’ is one of those things.”

Dan crossed his arms, turned away, and put on an angry pout.

“Have you tried being his friend, or throwing a party for him? Ooh! Oooh! I bet if you really just got to know him, you two could become good friends!” Pinkie inhaled loudly as an idea came to her, “OH! I can help! I’m a genius when it comes to parties.”

It was Dan’s turn to reply in surprise, “What?! No, he’s the enemy! You don’t throw parties for the enemy unless you’re going to poison them, shoot them multiple times, club them, castrate them, and throw them in an icy river to drown.”

“I…that’s…” Pinkie paused as she searched for the correct words, “rather specific!” she offered.

“Look, associate,” Dan said, lacing the word 'associate' with venom, “if you don’t want to help me, then I’m sure I can enlist Chris easy enough…”

Pinkie’s lip started quivering. “Ah Dan, don’t be like that.”

Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s back and point a finger at her chest with his free hand.

Pinkie leaned her head back in response, unprepared for the sudden closing of distance between the two.

“Do you want to be my friend, or don’t you?”

“Oh yes, oh yes, oh…”, Pinkie’s expression sank and her heart starting pounding in her chest. “What did you have in mind?” she asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dan began to speak then stopped for a second, remembering the group’s ill (or awesome, depending on your point of view) fated trip to Lenny’s. Pinkie Pie is many things, and most of them are pretty terrible. However, 'pushover' certainly isn't one of them.Maybe I shouldn't try to use her…

“Good, then buy me a cinnamon bun,” Dan said with a grin. …much.

Pinkie’s expression did a 180 and she closed the distance between her and Dan and gave him another hug.

Dan was starting to get used to the sound of his bones cracking.

Before grabbing cinnamon buns, Dan convinced Pinkie to pick up a few more items, some kitchen knives, some baking tools and equipment (Dan said Pinkie could borrow his cake mixer, which he, of course, had because his mechanic had tried to replace his engine with it because said mechanic was deep in debt due to underground, giant mechanical suit fighting and betting.), and a pink crowbar. Dan was very convincing about the virtues of having a crowbar, and Pinkie was very happy to find one in her color. Pinkie also managed to find a place to print all her photos.

After a bit, Pinkie bought cinnamon buns for her, Dan, and an extra one for Chris (which Dan insisted he didn’t deserve, but was overruled on the grounds that Pinkie was paying). The two made their way up to the food court where Chris was already waiting for them, a partially consumed tray of food in front of him on top of a round table.

“Hey guys!” Chris waved the two over, who deposited Pinkie’s collection at their feet and sat down at roughly an equal distance from each other and Chris.

“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Chris! How long have you been here?” Dan asked.

“Oh…a while.” Chris answered, bringing up a fork full of some near unidentifiable substance and eating it. “Hey! You wouldn’t happen to have a cinnamon bun for me, would you?”

Dan rolled his eyes as Pinkie happily handed Chris a warm box containing a large cinnamon bun.

“You could have called me, you know.” Dan said, mildly annoyed that in addition to taking his time loading Pinkie’s things into Dan’s car, Chris had decided to opt out of any more shopping excursions.

“Yeah, but…” Chris trailed off and took a few more bites of food, figuring that would suffice, and slid Dan’s keys across the table to their owner.

As the three dug into their cinnamon buns, Pinkie wasted no time in pulling out her craft supplies, pictures, and her new photo album. Carefully, she started adding pictures, and decorating them with hearts, glitter pens, bedazzling jewels, and anything at her disposal.

Chris finished the food in front of him and his cinnamon bun. He glanced over at Pinkie Pie, who still had quite a few photos to go.

“We’ll she’s not going to be done anytime food…I mean soon. Think I’ll make another run.” Chris got off and dashed to a few more stalls.

“I can get you something else, if you want, Dan.” Pinkie said with a smile, looking up from her arts and craft project.

Dan slouched in his chair, “Elch, no thanks. I’m not even going to justify spending someone else’s money on mall court food.”

Pinkie shrugged. ”Suit yourself,” she said as she went back to working on her project.

Dan tried to fill the unfamiliar silence between the two with idle conversation. “Having fun over there?” he asked.

“Yep! I’ve made so many wonderful memories these last couple days. I really want to give them the attention they deserve!” Pinkie said, smiling down at her work as she applied more hearts to a picture.

“You’ve really enjoyed yourself?” Dan said, raising an eyebrow and filling his question with surprise.

Pinkie looked back to meet Dan’s green eyes with her blue ones. “Well…yeah. It’s been a lot of fun.” She looked away for a second and grinned sheepishly, “Terrifying at times.”--She looked back at Dan with a genuine smile.--“But fun!” She looked down at the photo album with a content smile, “I think this could be the start of another beautiful friendship…” Pinkie Pie looked back up. “Don’t you?”

Dan glanced away and went silent not sure how to react. He didn’t want to say as much out loud, but he’d had more fun this day than any in recent…and even not so recent memory.

Chris returned, a tray of food in each hand.

“Thanks Chris, you’ve managed to grab everything I hate about food courts in one trip,” Dan said, angrily glaring at the food.

Pinkie looked up as well, but something behind Chris caught her eye. With an excited “Ooooo!” she was out of her chair and dashed off somewhere.

“Here we go,” Chris said exasperatedly waiting for the lecture he’d heard many, many times before. He lifted his hand and signified the number three with his fingers with a bored expression on his face.

Dan wasted no time launching into his vitriolic tirade, “First! Burgerphile? Really? You’re sooo desperate for Burgerphile that you’re willing to spend two to three dollars more on a meal here? I don’t know what’s sadder, that they jack up their price just because they’re at the mall or that people, like you, are stupid enough to cough up the extra cash because walking back to the car and driving down the street is simply too much.”

Chris ticked down one of his fingers leaving two.

“Second! ‘Gourmet Chinese food’?! Who in their right mind can even humor that, let alone plaster it on a logo?! The only thing ‘gourmet’ about it is there’s nothing close to it served by the actual Chinese.”

Chris ticked down one more finger leaving one.

“THIRD!” Dan stood up and was now frothing at the mouth, “WHY IS EVERYTHING HERE JUST A WORSE VERSION OF FOOD YOU CAN GET ELSEWHERE?! WHY DO PEOPLE STAND FOR THIS!? Is it THAT hard to go someplace DECENT after shopping, OR DEMAND HIGHER QUALITY?!” Dan sat back down and desperately tried to catch his breath.

Chris returned his hand to the task of helping him eat. “Feel better?” He asked before taking another bite of his burger.

“N… no… gasp... wheeze ...Mall… pant... pant...swallow... Mall cop…”

“Fhe oone whooo keeps kickwing you oout for hausing a pubbic disturfance?” Chris asked through a mouth full of burger.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “That’s the one.”

“Ah-HA! I knew there was more to the story than you were telling me!”

Dan jumped in his seat and Chris began coughing on his food.

Pinkie was standing behind the duo having found lemonade that appeared to have been made with real lemons.

“How do you keep doing that?!” Dan demanded of her.

Pinkie sat back down. “Doing what?” She asked quizzically, setting her drink down and going back to the project in front of her.

Chris regained his composure. “Dan, you really ought’a let this one go.”

“But he’s on the list!” Dan whined, producing a small notepad and flipping to a page where 'Mall Cop' was wedged in between “People’s Republic of China” and a crossed out “Pudding people”. “Anyhow, don’t you think you’ve had enough food for one day? Seriously Chris, your calorie count has got to rival the GDP of a developing nation at this point,” Dan said, figuring he could at least wreak some petty vengeance on Chris if he wasn’t going to help either.

“Hey! I can’t eat at home unless I want to eat outside the tent, and preparing food is a lot harder through protective gloves and a faceplate!” Chris countered.

There was a ringing, Chris reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular smart phone, and hit the talk button. “Hi, Elise!”

Pinkie gasped looking at the device in Chris’s hand, and dug into her bag fishing out a similar device.

“That sounds like a great idea!” Chris continued speaking into the phone.

Pinkie frowned at her own device, the buttons not seeming to elect any response from it.

“Hmmm…” Chris continued.

Pinkie began shaking the device in an attempt to get it to do something.

Dan leaned over towards Pinkie, but the ‘ding’ of a nearby elevator and the familiar sight of a large, pudgy man on a Segway caught his attention.

“I’m pretty sure she’s a vegetarian…” Chris said into the phone.

Pinkie had begun to chew on her phone in frustration, Dan swatted it out of her mouth and wagged his finger at her as if he was scolding a naughty puppy. Pinkie pouted and put her phone back in the bag.

“OK, see you later! I love you! Bye!” Chris hung up the phone.

Pinkie and Dan turned and looked at him.

“So…ummmm…Elise has invited both of you for vegetarian fajitas at our place, tonight!” Chris said sheepishly, continuing to rapidly take bites of food to his mouth.

Dan rolled his eyes.

Pinkie beamed. “Sounds delicious, Chris! I’d love to meet your wife. Oh this is going to be so much fun! I can’t wait!”

Dan shot a glare past Pinkie as his enemy, the mall security officer, sat down right behind Pinkie at a table with a male food court employee. The mall officer oblivious to Dan or anyone else at the table.

Pinkie turned her body, leaning her arm on her chair and got a good look at the man behind her. She turned to Dan with an innocent smile. “Dan, I think this is a great opportunity for you.”

“Good idea. I’ll sneak up behind and garrote him with my shoelaces, you keep his friend busy.” Dan suggested with a twisted smile full of pointy teeth.

“Dan, now you know that’s not what I meant,” Pinkie said, taking a maternal tone.

Dan folded his arms, and put on a frowny-pout and turned away.

“Come on Dan,” Pinkie began, “There’s good in almost everyone.” Pinkie quickly glanced behind her. “I’m sure if you just go over there and try to talk to him, you’ll find…”

“…Just one of the ugliest shade of pink you ever thought possible…” The security guard’s words cut into Pinkie like a chainsaw through plywood.

Pinkie paused and perked her head up, listening in.

“Just…just imagine someone gota bunch of kindergarteners drunk, gave them some paints, and told them ta make a car pretty.”

Pinkie’s expression changed to one of surprise, followed by an eye twitch.

Dan’s expression changed as well. He leaned on the table and steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. Carefully studying the change in Pinkie’s face.

“I mean…who would even think that bright shade of pink was attractive…”

Pinkie glanced up at her long curly hair, and began to tear up as her lip quivered.

“…Not anyone with a lick of taste, that’s forshou…”

Pinkie’s face contorted, her eye twitching more violently now.

Dan was sure he was starting to hear the sound of a kettle coming to the boil somehow…

Chris’s eye’s darted back and forth from Dan to Pinkie, and he accelerated his eating pace.

“There was one thing out there worse than that paintjob, though.”

Pinkie extended an arm in front of her, and took a deep breath; a stress management tool she had picked up from Twilight and Cadence.

“The ugly bedazzled car with an even WORSE shade of pink further down the lot.”

Dan watched as Pinkie’s face wordlessly change to an expression of rage and anger he didn’t think the girl had in her, and he was sure he heard that kettle start to boil.

Pinkie leaned forward on the table, looked at Dan, and whispered, “I’m in.”

“What?!” Chris cried. “Didn’t you say there was good in almost everyone?!” He asked frantically.

“I did say ‘almost’,” Pinkie replied with a mischievous grin.

Dan moved his hands to reveal a grin of pure devilish delight, he leaned into the table. “Here’s the plan…”

Pinkie turned her ear towards Dan as he whispered the scheme. She turned, nodded with a smile, grabbed her lemonade and the two pushed off from the table, got up, and moved into position.

“Do I have to do anything?” Chris asked, looking up from his tray.

“Sit there and look stupid,” Dan responded.

“Done and done.” Chris said, happily returning to his food.

Chris continued eating his food as he watched Dan grab a straw from one of the food court stalls, walk towards the escalators, tear the paper covering off the straw, wad up some of the paper with his own salvia, placed it in the straw, took aim, and launched a perfectly targeted spit wad into the back of the mall security officer’s head.

The guard turned just in time to catch the next spit wad right between the eyes, he stood up with a grumble, clawed the moist mass of paper off his face, walked up to Dan, stood up straight to emphasize the size difference between the two, and growled out “Is there a problem here?”

“That depends, does the Freddy Krueger mask come off, or is it permanently stuck to your face?” Dan responded with a smile.

“Hey, you’re the guy who keeps on disturbing the peace. I think you better move along buddy, before I make ya.”

“I choose, ‘b’,” Dan said with a smile.

“Your funeral, pal.” The security officer reached for his mace and emptied the contents in Dan’s face.

Dan, having been repeatedly exposed to basically every mace under the sun during his life, responded by simply inhaling the mist, then blowing a breath full of capsaicin back at the security officer’s face.

The security guard dropped his canister and started frantically rubbing his eyes.

“Now, Pinkie!” Dan shouted.

With a “Wheeee….” Pinkie pushed her weight forward on the Segway racing up to several miles per hour.

“Hey…that’s my…” The mall officer said through burning pain on his face. Before he could utter another word, Dan gracefully spread his arms as if he was beginning some ballet move, then quickly and violently moved his arms to push the mall officer. Dan threw all his weight against the move and propelled the hapless security guard down the up-moving escalator.

Pinkie pulled up in the Segway, dumped the contents of her lemonade on the escalator, causing it to short and accelerate.

The mall officer began screaming as he seemed to be trapped in a constant falling up/down predicament.

Chris sighed, and continued eating his food.

With a “Wheeeeeeeeee…” and a maniacal laugh Pinkie and Dan shot past him, the two pushing their weight forward on the front of the vehicle as Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s waist, accelerating their vehicle into double digits of miles per hour…

…Only to stop at the elevator…

Without warning, Dan ran back to the table, snagged Pinkie’s project into a bag, and flipped the table with the rest of the contents spilling to the floor.

“Oh, COME ON!” Chris shouted, his meal now a greasy mess on the floor.

“Grab the loot Chris, and meet us at the steeds!” Dan shouted, running back towards the Segway as the elevator opened and rejoining Pinkie on the vehicle as they drove it past the doors.

Chris sighed and gathered all the various bags the two had left behind, and trudged towards the down-escalator, catching the “ouches” and “oofs” of the mall security officer, still stuck in his perpetual fall.

He got off the escalator and walked towards the mall entrance.

The elevator then opened, and Pinkie and Dan sped past him at the breakneck speed of 12.5 miles per hour, laughing and giggling the entire way over the panicked cry of “IT KEEPS HAPPENING!” From the escalator.

Before long, the trio were back by the cars, and Chris was attempting to squeeze the last bits of free space out of Dan’s car to fit Pinkie’s recently purchased items.

“Don’t forget the Segway!” Dan said to Chris as he threw his weight against the hatch, trying to close it.

“Dan, there’s no way that thing is going to fit in either car!” Chris said, mildly annoyed.

“But…” Dan began.

Pinkie rested a hand on his shoulder. “Dan, if you love something. Set it free.”

Dan placed his hand on Pinkie’s and looked up at her. “You’re right…he…” Dan began to tear up and even sniffed a little. “He belongs with his own kind.”

Chris looked at the Pinkie and Dan with a confused expression, not sure if the two were joking, or completely serious.

Pinkie, nodded solemnly, but with a smile.

She produced a large, white, store mannequin, and…

“Where’d you get that?” Dan asked, not sure where the girl had magically manifested an entire mannequin from.

“I saved it from the clothing store!”

“So you’ve been carrying it around this entire time?!” Dan asked shocked. “I can’t believe I never noticed…”

Pinkie smiled and wedged the mannequin into place, pushing the front console of the Segway forward, in turn, causing it to speed off into the distance…

…Just in time for a mall security car to screech round the corner, the driver’s face bruised and bright red, his mouth crying out for justice. He saw the Segway far too late, and crashed directly into it; causing Segway to go under car, causing car to topple over Segway, and land, hard, on its top…

…and then catch flame, as you do.

Chris covered his eyes with both his hands, trying to immediately blot out the memory of what he saw.

Dan covered his mouth with both his hands, trying to hide his giant toothy grin.

Pinkie covered her ears with each hand, trying to process this new set of carnage.

The mall officer covered as much air as he could touch with his flaming hands as he ran screaming from the wreck.

The trio’s eye’s followed a bouncing, flaming wheel of the car as it went on its merry way past them, then their eyes shifted towards a flatter wheel of the Segway that began rolling in a circle in front of them a few times before tilting inwards, vibrating a few times as it continued to spin, then finally stopping.

…and then it also caught flame.

…as you do.

Pinkie looked down at the now flaming wheel in front of them, then looked back up to Chris. “This is my life from now on, isn’t it?” she asked blankly.

Chris sighed, placed a hand under one elbow, supporting the arm, then using hand on that arm to rest his face on. “Yep,” he answered simply. “You get used to it,” he added.

“Really?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Chris stared off into space and gave a little shudder. “No…not really.”

Dan said nothing, his evil grin speaking for him. He took out his notepad, flipped a few pages, and then crossed 'Mall cop' off the list.

“So…” Chris said, breaking the silence. “Dinner?”

Pinkie’s expression brightened.

“Vegetarian? Pass.” Dan said simply.

“Ahh, Dan! I know it’ll still be fun if you come along. Pretty please with lactose free cream on top?” Pinkie pleaded with a big, toothy smile, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan looked at Pinkie, then at his bedazzled car, then back to Pinkie, and finally back to his car.

Dan shoot Pinkie a glare. “I said, ‘No!’” He opened his car door, sat down, slammed the door after him, buckled up, started the car, and sped off.

Pinkie looked on in despair as Dan’s car sped off, she looked down and started to fiddle with the hem of her shirt.

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked up.

“He’ll come around,” Chris assured gently.

Pinkie inhaled deeply than exhaled, still tracking the now pink and sparkly hatchback with her eyes. “I hope so Chris, I really do.”

Dan grinned evilly to himself as he examined the key Pinkie had given him the night before.

He placed it on top of the, pink, frilly photo album sitting in his passenger seat. This was almost too easy.

...Almost.

Author's Notes:

Revised!

Thanks to MythrilMoth for list of corrections on this chapter and a few of the ones surrounding it as well as Adenbadens for giving me a bunch of corrections as well!

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 11 Chris Vs. Elise

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Chapter 11 Chris Vs. Elise

Pinkie silently looked out the passenger window into the dwindling day, the shadows of palm trees and buildings washing over her distant expression and slumped shoulders. Dan’s sudden and unexpected decision to head home still weighing heavily on her mind.

We had fun right...? I mean…minus all the unintended carnage… Actually Dan seemed to enjoy that more than anything. So, why…

Pinkie sighed and continued to look out the window.

Chris drove silently as well, searching for something to say.

Not only was Pinkie being uncharacteristically quiet, he noted she had buckled up without the little fanfare that tended to accompany the accomplishment.

He thought for a little bit then broke the silence. “I think you’ll really like Elise,” he said with a hopeful grin.

Pinkie turned her head and smiled. At least I’ll get to make another new friend.

“I know I will, Chris. Making new friends is the best…” Pinkie trailed off as she remembered something. “Sooo, Elise is done with her platuniwatsit?”

“Yep!” Chris said, his voice perking up a bit. “It’s been picked up and our house is back to normal.”

“It must be interesting with your wife bringing home all sorts of neat projects,” Pinkie said, shifting her body to face Chris better.

Chris laughed nervously. “Well, ‘interesting’ isn’t the word I’d use most the time.”

Pinkie cupped her hands together. “What word would you use? Fascinating? Fantastical? Far-out? Fabulous? Oooo! Ooooo! Fun?”

Chris looked forward, staring at the road. “More like frightening…actually, no, that’s not strong enough, terrifying.” He responded, the humor having left his voice.

“I seee…” Pinkie said, unsure of how to respond.

“Also, inconvenient…usually both.” Chris’s eyes narrowed.

Pinkie went silent and stared forward.

“I’m sorry,” Chris said. “It’s just…” he lifted a hand off the steering wheel and turned it palm up, searching for the words. “for the longest time she just didn’t tell me about her job, and even then she’d be bringing dangerous chemicals home and probably working on worse things in the garage. Who knows what even goes on in the shed.” Chris sighed, slumped his shoulders, and moved his hand back to the steering wheel, shaking his head before continuing, “Now that she’s told me,”--Chris cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes.--“which she did accidentally, I might add,”--He shifted his expression to a fixed glare on the road—“it’s like she thinks she can just bring this stuff home whenever it’s convenient! So, now every few weeks it’s ‘put on this hazmat suit’, ‘stay out of the shed, I accidentally broke a terrarium full of genetically engineered, acid spitting tarantulas’, ‘I had to throw out all the food, because it may have been contaminated with nerve gas’”. Chris shuddered on the mention of the last one.

“Well, maybe you should let her know how this all makes you feel!” Pinkie added helpfully. “My friends and I always tell each other how we’re feeling, and we get along great!”

Chris sighed, “I’ve tried that." He frowned and knitted his brow as he continued, "Elise usually just makes a comment about how I’m such a good sport about it all and then I feel awkward to even continue bringing it up.”

Pinkie shifted nervously in the car seat, wishing very much that the conversation would end.

“It’s just…I really feel like she cares about her job more than me,” Chris said.

“I’m sure she loves you just as much as you love her, Chris!” Pinkie said, trying to maintain a cheery disposition towards the very awkward conversation.

“Pfft, yeah,” Chris said with a touch of sarcasm. “Maybe I should switch her and ice cream so she and I can both have something we love more than each other…”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide and she gritted her teeth behind closed lips. Oh please let this car ride end soon! Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh…

“We’re here,” Chris announced, pulling the car into the driveway.

Pinkie made a quick glance towards the ceiling. Oh thank Celestia!

“Thanks for listening to me Pinkie,” Chris said as he exited the car. “Dan usually just starts with how I should divorce Elise..." He paused and added, "Usually without me saying anything…”

Pinkie forced an awkward smile. “Sure…what are friends for?”

Chris opened the door and held it open for Pinkie, the two walked into the house as Elise walked out of the kitchen to greet them.

“Hi guys, just in time!” Elise said, with a plastered smile.

“Ooh, that’s a nifty hat!” Pinkie said.

Elise glanced up at the headset she had forgotten to take off, and grabbed it with a flash, tossing it into some far off corner of the house.

“You must be Pinkie!” Elise said, extending a hand. “Chris has said so much about you.” Elise said, desperately trying to fake an earnest tone of voice.

“…I did?” Chris asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.

Pinkie took Elise’s hand and gave it a vigorous shake. “Chris has said a lot about, you, too!” she replied excitedly.

“All good, I hope.” Elise said, attempting to wink at Chris, but succeeding in something that more resembled an eye twitch.

“He said he loves you more than anything!” Pinkie said with a big smile. …Well it was kinda what he said, at least.

“Oh…You…” Elise began, her brain failing to come up with a cute pet name. “I missed…”-- Elise glanced to the side for a split second--"You!” Walking up to Chris, she stood on her tip-toes and wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a kiss on his cheek and palmed the microphone she had planted inside his shirt collar that morning.

“Hey honey! It’s good to come home…and not have to suit up!” Chris added, building the statement out of false enthusiasm.

Elise decided to change the subject. “Ahhh…sit down! Let me dish up! You’ve had a hard day…”

“Yeah…”Chris’s fake smile disintegrated into a look of concern. “How did you know?”

“Oh I…” Elise trailed off, trying to figure out something plausible. “Caught the news about the mall fire…on the news!”

Good job, me.

A+

Chris’s face shifted to one of mild irritation, “I never said we were at the mall.”

Elise's eyes widened. Crud!

“SO,” Elise attempted to force a smile, but it got stuck in grimaceville before completing the journey. “Dan wasn’t too keen on vegetarian, huh?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You guessed it,” he answered sarcastically.

Elise’s heart pounded in her chest. Why am I so bad at this?

Pinkie’s eyes shifted back and forth between the couple. Sharing a house with a married couple and their two kids meant she had plenty of experience watching a marital dispute brew, but luckily, she also had plenty of experience defusing them as well…”You know what always makes me feel better? A delicious meal!” Pinkie said, forcing the biggest smile she could muster.

Elise saw her opportunity, grabbed it with both hands, and ran with it…as far as she could in the small house.

“Oh yes! Let me just go dish everyone up…” Elise spun, walked a few feet to the stove and countertop, and dished up three plates of spiced, sautéed vegetables inside warm tortillas

Chris sat down, watching Elise, an irritated and suspicious look on his face.

Pinkie sat down, watching Chris, concerned that expression on his face meant he probably wasn’t feeling any better.

Elise placed a plate in front of her husband, guest, and then at the empty spot across the small round table for her.

Chris wordlessly began to eat.

Pinkie took a few bites, “Hmmmmm, this is scrum-dilly-umpchus!” She said excitedly. “Oh, thank you ever so much for inviting me!”

Elise smiled. “No problem! We’re happy to have you!..Oh! Almost forgot…” Elise walked over to the fridge and produced a pitcher of fresh strawberry lemonade.

Pinkie’s eye lit up, “Hey! That looks like the real version of the fake drink I was served at ‘Lenny’s’!”

“Oh, really?” Elise began. “I didn’t…” Elise caught Chris’s expression as she realized she had just made a fatal error. “…didn’t know…” Elise trailed off, and sat the pitcher down on the table.

Pinkie glanced back and forth between the two, realizing things were about to go critical.

“So, Elise”, Chris said, the anger building in his voice. “Did you bug me, or just follow us around all day watching from the shadows?”

“Don’t be silly!” Elise said with a nervous smile, trying to salvage the situation. “I was home working here the entire time!” She insisted.

“So you did have me bugged!”

“Ididn’tsaythat.” Elise said, quickly.

“You didn’t deny it either!” Chris shot back.

“Hey, you know what we can do?” Pinkie said, desperate to change the subject.

“STAY OUT OF IT!” Was the response she got for her troubles from both Elise and Chris.

Pinkie sat back in her chair, wishing she could shrink.

Elise went on the offensive, “Look Chris, I’m sorry if my job can be inconvenient and terrifying, but one of us needs to put food on the table.”

“Must be easy to win arguments when you’re spying on every word your husband says,” Chris countered as he leaned on the table, moving closer to Elise.

Elise realized she was digging herself deeper, she tried to think of something to change the subject to.

Chris beat her to it.

“Nice fajita’s by the way. You know fajitas usually have protein.”

“Well, maybe if you ate something besides five courses of bacon every day and a tub of ice cream, I could figure out how to cook something else!” Elise also leaned on the table, the two a few feet away from each other, and practically yelling at this point. “Hey! Maybe I should just combine the two, then you’ll really have something you can love more than me!” Elise said with an accusatory finger.

“YOU LEAVE BACON ICE CREAM OUT OF THIS! A LEAST SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME!”

Pinkie stood up in a flash, and asked, “Bathroom?”

Without turning, the couple both pointed down the hall angrily with the same stance a parent might take to tell a child to go to their room.

Pinkie dashed off to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

“OK, me,” she said to her reflection. “We need an ‘S’ level couple argument ending plan here!’

“Ooh! Ooh!” her reflection responded. “Why don’t you go out there and throw them a surprise mini-party!”

“Yeaaah…” Pinkie said as she looked towards the ceiling and rubbed her chin. “Good idea, mirror-me!”

Pinkie grabbed a few deflated balloons from her pockets. She had purchased some basic party supplies from the mall in case an emergency party needed to be thrown.

“And to think, Dan had laughed at me…” Pinkie said slyly.

Pinkie blew air into a balloon and struggled to tie it closed with her hands and teeth.

“Grrrr…this was so much easier when I had hooves!” Pinkie said with a frustrated tone.

“Give me one! I can help!” her reflection answered.

“No mirror-me, you’re just my reflection! You don’t exist!”

Her reflection stuck up her nose. “Hmph! Rude!” the reflection said, storming off out of sight.

Pinkie struggled to blow up and tie off a couple more balloons as the noise from the kitchen/dining room intensified. She grabbed a handful of confetti from her other pocket, rushed towards the bickering couple who were now full on yelling at each other.

“WHO WANTS TO PAR-TAY?!” she asked with an excited open mouth smile, throwing confetti and balloons into the air, one of the balloons making a rude noise as it deflated, spun in the air a few times, and shot off into Elise’s lemonade pitcher.

Chris and Elise stopped and stared blankly at Pinkie.

Pinkie's smile remained plastered on her face as beads of sweat began to form on her brow. Well…at least they stopped yelling at each other.

“…Maybe I should take you home, Pinkie.” Chris offered.

Pinkie bowed her head, slumped her shoulders, sighed, and nodded her head up and down.

Chris and Pinkie made their way to the door.

“Bye, Elise…” Pinkie said quietly, “It was…nic…let’s do this agai…maybe next time?” Pinkie offered. Having run out of anything positive to say about the experience, she exited through the door.

Chris followed, but turned back to Elise once he was outside.

“You did already take off what you were using to spy on me, right?” He said, with a glare that could melt glaciers.

Elise gulped, reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small microphone, showing it to Chris.

Chris turned his back to Elise and walked out the door. “Beans,” he said simply.

Elise knitted her brow. “What?”

“Beans would have added some protein,” Chris said, slamming the door before Elise could respond.

Elise made a growling sound and threw out her tensed hands in an expression of wanting to strangle someone. Why do I have to be so bad at keeping secrets?

Elise dropped one hand to the side, and buried her face in the other. Sighing, she made her way to the couch and sat down. I don’t think a few pints of bacon ice-cream are going to get me out of this one.

She looked down at the couch, the logical place she would be sleeping tonight, musing on the thought that she was the one in trouble, for a change.

Pinkie and Chris sat in awkward silence as he drove her back to her apartment. Night had set and the streetlights illuminated the interior of the car, only to retreat into darkness over and over again.

Chris was the first to breach the silent wall between the two, “I’m…sorry you had to see that.”

“And I’m sorry to have caused it,” Pinkie said bluntly.

“What?” Chris asked, surprised. “You didn’t…”

Pinkie vigorously shook her head. “Yes I did,” she insisted. “She probably thought I was suspicious, just like you and Dan did when you first saw me. That’s why she was spying....”

Chris looked back at the road and processed this. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Excluding explanations that involved dimensional travel, I still have no idea where Pinkie came from, what she's doing here, and why she seems to have an unlimited supply of money.

Maybe Elise had a good reason for doing what she did.

Maybe she wanted to protect me…

…or herself…

…or her work.

Chris sighed, having quickly and easily talked himself out of any nobility or spousal concern on Elise’s part.

“No Pinkie, it’s not your fault,” Chris said. “I know I’ve dumped a lot on you tonight, but…” Chris trailed off, not sure if he had the right to force more of his problems on the normally energetic girl sitting next to him.

“It’s OK, Chris,” Pinkie said as she put a comforting hand on top of one of Chris's.

“It’s just…sometimes she treats me as bad as Dan, you know?”

Pinkie said nothing.

“But, I expect it of Dan…” Chris swallowed. “It’s not easy being treated as a means to an end by someone you love.”

Pinkie’s chest tightened. What in Tartarus are you supposed to say to that?!

Chris sighed again as he continued, “Just…thanks for listening. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this sort of stuff…”

“I’ll listen to you anytime.” Pinkie added along with her other hand to his on the steering wheel. She mentally added But PLEASE don’t make me sit through another argument with your wife.

Chris turned to face the pink-haired girl in the seat next to him. “Thanks Pinkie, that means a lot,” He said with an earnest smile.

Pinkie retracted her hands to her lap. “Sure thing Chris.” Chris is sweet, but becoming his confidant within a 24 hour period of meeting him isn't exactly how I pictured getting on with him.

...I sure hope Dan is feeling better.

Heck, I don’t care if he just screams at me and dunks my head in more Everclear at this point....

Eventually, the car pulled next to 'Casa Paradisio'.

Pinkie quickly unbuckled, opened her door, and got out of the car. She stopped for a second, and poked her head back in.

“Hey, Chris.”

“Yeah, Pinkie?”

“I hope you work things out with Elise.”

Chris paused for a few moments. “…Yeah. Me, too,” he said finally.

Pinkie smiled and closed the door.

Chris drove off into the night.

Pinkie shook her head with a sigh, and slowly climbed the stairs to her apartment. Maybe I should check in with my friends, or check in on Dan. I could use a pick-me-up at this point. Heck, I'll settle for a noisy distraction.

She looked up to realize her lights were on. She smiled, the feeling of excitement returning to her for the first time in hours. Dan must still be putting my things away! Oh, I’m going to give him the biggest hug, ever, ever, ever!

Pinkie threw open the door and shouted an excited “Dan!”

She saw Dan standing in front of her photo album with a small pile of her photos she hadn’t added yet, she inhaled the strong scent of alcohol…

There was the quiet click of a tiny lighter-wheel, a 'fwoosh' of an inflammable fuel catching flame, followed by mad laughter that filled the room.

Laughter quickly cut short by a sound very similar to that of a balloon quickly deflating.

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 12 Dan Vs. Regret

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Chapter 12 Dan Vs. Regret

Dan panted heavily, sweat dripping down his face as he sped his car towards nowhere in particular.

He didn’t know where he was going, only that his apartment was far too close.

To what very little credit he was owed, he had quickly put out the fire with an extinguisher, seeing that there was absolutely no need to seek further vengeance on Pinkie.

He had won.

Utterly.

Completely.

It was written all over her face. Not once in his life had a scheme crushed its target so thoroughly.

He desperately tried to push the thought of the streaming tears, hair gone flat, and catatonic stare fixed on the spot where the photo album had once been before he turned it into a smouldering ruin of itself.

For maybe the first time in his life, Dan was conflicted over the results of one of his vengeance plots come to fruition.

Alright, she did targeted one of the few things I loved, but she obviously meant well, in that stupid, ditsy way of hers...And it’s not like she did any damage a car-wash wouldn’t fix.

Dan sped on in his still bedazzled hatchback. His mind a turmoil of conflicting emotion, a deep pit starting to form in his stomach.

Dan hit a bump with his car, causing the small vehicle to jump slightly and hit the ground with a thump.

Dan made a small curse to the unkempt roads of Van Nuys, but stopped when he heard an unfamiliar sound from his glove compartment.

Dan opened his glove compartment, then slammed on his brakes, his car screeching to a halt in the empty street.

The pit in Dan’s stomach grew to a black hole that quickly sucked his heart, body, and soul into an event horizon.

He stared down at the framed picture Pinkie had taken of him screaming at her in front of his apartment. It was a gaudy, pink frame that obnoxiously read “Best Friends Forever” in a flowery cursive at the bottom.

Salt water dripped onto the picture, an offering from the man who had never shed a tear for another person in his life, especially one who he himself had caused harm to.

Dan gently placed the picture on top of a bag on his passenger seat.

He knew what he needed to do.

…but he couldn’t do it without help.

Dan took his foot off the brake, got his bearings, and drove his car with a newfound sense of purpose and determination.

This was going to hurt.

Probably a lot.

But it couldn’t possibly compare to the feeling in his chest…

***

Chris sat silently on the couch, watching TV, A tub of ice cream piled high with whipped cream sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Elise had left both ice-cream and the can of whipped cream out as a peace offering for Chris, a peace offering that Chris wordlessly collected before sitting down.

Elise sat pensively at the table. Ice-cream was a good first step, but she doubted it suddenly made up for the all the secrets and exposing of Chris to dangerous materials he had mostly passively endured for all these years, let alone her recent spying on him.

She sighed and made a mental note to stock up on bacon and cookies, hoping the sugary and fatty snacks could buy enough goodwill with Chris so that he’d at least talk things out with her. Normally she’d be the one to instigate conversation, but given the circumstances, she felt it was better to let Chris let her know when he was ready to talk.

She glanced back towards the flickering lights of the living room.

Chris was possibly the only stable thing in her life. The same traits the made him a pushover also made him a dependable friend and husband. He could be poisoned, arrested, forced to dance until his ankle broke...exchanged for a favor from Dan just after his ankle broke, and still come back…

Elise’s chest tightened. Please don’t let me lose Chris. He’s probably the only guy on this planet who’d put up with my job…and he’s the only person who actually cares about me.

Tears began to well up behind Elise’s eyes, the thought of her husband leaving her devastating.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Who can it be at this hour?

She walked out of the kitchen and exchanged a confused a glance with Chris, whose glance was noticeable more perturbed.

Chris opened the door slowly, revealing a familiar short man holding a worn, paper bag.

“May I come in?” Dan asked.

Chris and Elise looked at each other with even more confused looks on their faces. Their thoughts playing out exactly the same way.

Dan never knocks… Ever. And he certainly doesn’t politely ask permission to come in.

“Imposter?” Elise asked her husband.

Chris squinted at Dan in the dark. “Only if he’s had some plastic surgery to make himself look more like Dan…and rolled around in Dan’s dirty clothes to get the scent right.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed.

“Ooooh…Robot!” Elise suggested.

Chris snapped his fingers, turned, and pointed with the same hand to Elise. “Love, it!”

“I’ll get my metal detector!” Elise said with a hint of enthusiasm.

“You know, sometimes I wonder why I give you two the time of day…” Dan uttered.

Chris and Elise breathed a sigh of relief, and motioned for Dan to come in.

Dan entered just far enough for Chris to shut the door behind him, saying nothing.

Chris moved a little in front of his friend, not sure how he should be reacting to the uncharacteristically withdrawn Dan. Usually Dan would have stormed in and simply explained his business.

Usually revenge.

Hmmmm…

“Hey Dan,” Chris said, trying to coax a response from his friend. “Still seeking revenge on Pinkie?”

Dan looked up at his much taller friend. “No,” he said simply.

“Ahhh, so you’ve given up then?”

“No,” Dan said again.

Chris mulled Dan’s answer for a moment and realized this could only mean one thing. Chris’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “What did you do?” he asked firmly.

Dan swallowed, and mentally prepared himself for what was going to follow. He reached into the bag and pulled out a charred and melted photo album.

Chris’s voice exploded in anger, “DAN! HOW COULD YOU?! PINKIE WORKED VERY HARD ON THAT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT’LL MAKE HER FEEL WHEN SHE SEES WHAT YOU DONE!?”

“Shealreadydid…” Dan said, barely audible.

Chris’s face hardened. “What?”

“I said, ‘She already did.’”

The trio went silent, save the huffing and puffing of Chris’s building anger.

Elise’s eyes went wide as she inhaled and exhaled a large volume of air audibly. “Dan…please tell me you didn’t…”

Dan said nothing and broke eye contact.

Chris turned his head to face his wife, “What?” He said with a knitted brow.

“He…”—Elise swallowed—“…he burnt it in front of her.”

The next thing Dan felt was a haymaker to his left cheek, followed by a mirror on the wall that his head smashed against as he toppled backwards, then the floor as it began raining glass shards around him. Next thing he knew, his feet were off the ground and he was staring at Chris on an even plane, his usually placid friend having contorted his face into a look of rage that Dan wasn’t sure he could even manage.

Chris began to violently shake Dan by the shirt collar.

“YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A SUB-HUMAN BEING! HOW COULD YOU?! HOW COULD YOU?! ALL SHE EVER TRIED TO DO WAS BE YOUR FRIEND! YOU JUST COULDN’T LET IT GO, COULD YOU!? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, DAN! WAY TOO FAR!”

“Iknnnow.” Dan choked out.

“WHAT?!” Chris stopped shaking Dan and pulled him within inches of his face.

“I said, ‘I know’,” Dan said, looking his friend in the eye.

Chris continued to hold Dan up for a second as he breathed a few cool down huffs, then gently lowed Dan until Dan’s feet where once more on solid ground.

Glass crunched under Dan’s shoes. “I…” Dan looked off to the side, replaying the painful memory in his mind, “…I saw it in her eyes…no, it was more like her entire body shut down. I don’t…”—Dan started to breathe a little heavier, his heart began pounding faster—“I don’t know the reaction I expected, or even the one I wanted. But I know it wasn’t that.”

Dan looked down at the floor, his broken, shattered reflection staring back at him from a hundred different angles. “I think…I think it made me hate myself….if only just a little.”

Chris and Elise stared at Dan not sure what to do or say at this point.

Dan looked up from the shattered, reflective glass on the floor as if coming back to the waking world. Dragging his palm over his face, he added, “I feel like I just broke a butterfly upon a wheel.”

Chris knitted his brow in surprise. “Dan, I didn’t know you listened to Coldplay.”

“…what the heck is that? That sounds like a very unpleasant fetish,” Dan said, trying to processes the unfamiliar word.

“They’re a band, Dan.”

“What?! Chris you really are a simple creature aren’t you?”

Chris leveled a glare at Dan, regretful wasn’t quite enough to get him back in his good books.

Dan caught the expression and calmed his tone. “It’s from a Pope’s satire.” Dan explained, “Alexander medieval guy, or something…”

“Dan, you’re bleeding.” Elise pointed out.

He felt the sharp pain on the back of his head, noticing it for the first time. He pulled his hand back to reveal a palm covered in blood.

“I’ll be fine.” He answered.

Elise shook her head, “Not if we don’t stop the bleeding, you won’t.”

“Elise, we don’t have time…”

Elise was gone and back in a flash, with some clean towels, dressing pads, gauze, and some antibiotic ointment.

“That was fast.” Chris commented.

Elise moved behind Dan to clean the wound and gave her husband a little smile. “Yeah…I have medical supplies hidden all over the house in case an enemy agent breaks in and shoots you and I have to field dress the wound on the spot.”

“Awhh…” Chris said, a touch of pleasantness returning to his voice. It was a sweet if somewhat morbid thought from his wife.

“Ooow, be careful with that! It really stings.”

“Not as bad as Everclear, I’m sure,” Chris said in an admonishment tone.

Dan fixed a glare at the wall to his side, not needing another reminder that he treated Pinkie Pie poorly.

Elise began to wrap gauze around Dan’s head.

“I need to fix this.” Dan said, looking at his best and possibly only friend with pleading in his eyes.

“Dan, I’m not sure you can fix this,” Chris responded.

“Well, I have to try. I’ve never done anything halfway in my life,” Dan said with a determined voice standing straight. “And I’m not about to start…”

Chris thought about this for a second. Well, he’s nothing if not resolute. He even tracked down all his stuff after he got back from Siberia. Even every single one of those throw pillows…

“…But I need your help.” Dan turned his head to Elise, and looked at her for perhaps the first time without a hint of dislike. “Both of yours.”

Chris thought this over for a second.

Elise didn’t. “We’re with you Dan,” She said as she finished up her bandaging and placing a hand on the shorter man’s shoulder. She turned and walked to her husband, looked down at his hands and took them both in hers. Slowly she looked up to face the man she loved. “Right?”

Chris smiled warmly at his wife. “Right.” he answered.

Dan snapped into action mode. “Good!” He turned to Elise, grabbed her hands, and dumped a wad full of crinkled bills and loose change into her palms.

“…Dan did you just hand me money?” Elise asked in disbelief.

Chris also gawked at the small pile of small bills and change. It was hard enough to get Dan to pay for his own meals while out, and nigh-impossible to get money back once it had been loaned to him. The idea that he would willingly hand either of them some of his own money was nearly unfathomable.

“Yeah,” Dan answered. “Sorry it isn’t more, I need some for what Chris and I are going to do.”

Chris and Elise exchanged glances, back to being unsure if it was really Dan standing in front of them.

“Elise, I need you to go buy party supplies.” Dan began as he paced back and forth, delivering his commands. “Just pretend you’re throwing a party for an elementary school student.”

“Dan,” Elise began, “I don’t think…” She felt a large hand on her shoulder.

“No, he’s pretty much spot on,” Chris assured.

“Then I need you to sneak into my apartment and quietly set up. Think you can handle that?”

Elise’s eye’s narrowed. “Dan, I can pull this job off in my sleep with a bullet wound…” Elise thought for a second. “In fact, I’ve pulled off worse jobs in my sleep with a bullet wound.”

Chris looked down at his wife, “You told me you had the flu... a really, really, BAD flu.”

Elise’s heart skipped a beat and she looked up at her husband. “I know…and…I’m sorry.”

Chris’s smile returned, “It’s OK, darling. I forgive you.” Chris wrapped his arms around his red-haired wife, looked deep into her blue eyes, bent down towards his wife and pursed his lips.

Elise wrapped her arms around her husband’s tall frame and met his gaze. She leaned up and…

Dan cleared his throat loudly. “Save this touchy, feely garbage for when you’re watching rom-coms together. We’ve got a war to win.”

The two turned back to Dan, arms still wrapped tightly around each-other.

“Dan, you can’t fight a war looking like that.” Elise said, slowly removing her arms from her husband.

Dan looked down at his clothing, then looked back up? “Whaaat?” He asked with some slight annoyance.

“You’ve got blood all over the back of your shirt.”

“Elise, we don’t have time for your pedantic obsession with fashion,” Dan said, fixing an angry stare at Elise and crossing his arms.

“Hold up.” It was Chris’s time to run off.

“Chris! Come back here, moonlight is burning!” Dan insisted.

“In a second.” Was the response from down the house.

There was the sound of running water, and Chris returned with a wet towel and a clean, black 'JERK' t-shirt.

“Chris, where did you even—Gah... Unhand me woma—MPHhmmg.”

Elise had quickly grabbed the bottom of Dan’s shirt and pulled it up over his head.

Dan turned with an annoyed glare, but before he could get an angry word out, Chris was behind him with the towel, rubbing the caked blood off his back.

Dan recoiled from the wet towel. “Ambush! I knew you two would force me into your twisted bedroom fantas—”

Chris rolled his eyes and handed Dan the clean, black shirt.

Dan shot him a glare and snatched the shirt out of Chris’s outstretched hand, quickly putting it on.

“Do you know how many of those things you’ve left here?” Chris asked, mild annoyance in his voice.

“No!” Dan said earnestly. “How many?”

“Dan,” Elise interrupted. “Your plan?” Elise reminded.

“Right!” Dan said, focus returning to his voice. Dan turned to his friend “Chris, you’re with me.” Dan marched to the door, swung it open, and stepped into the night.

“Where are we going?”

Dan held up a small, pink camera, illuminated from the light of the house. “To fix something, for a change.”

“…You stole her camera, too?” Chris said in disbelief.

“I’LL GIVE IT BACK!”

Dan leaned against the counter in the fluorescently lit department store.

“Niiiiice work getting them to rush the photos after hours, buddy,” Dan said with a smile. “Things almost got ugly.”

“Well, I just thought telling the truth and appealing to her sense of compassion would net better results than threatening her with a sledgehammer,” Chris said dryly.

“Who’d of thought we’d find the one department store worker who hasn’t yet had her sense of compassion crushed under weeks and weeks of thankless toil?” Dan said, extending his arms and turning his palms upward.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Did you find everything else?”

Dan held up a plastic bag, “One new photo album, extra girly looking, and enough stickers, bedazzling jewels, and glitter pens to send a slumber-party of female pre-teens into a squealing, craft fuelled frenzy.”

A dark olive complexioned woman with a pleasant look on her face walked up from behind the counter and placed a fat envelope in between the two friends. “Here you go!” She said cheerfully.

“It’s a abouMPMph phmmm…” Chris cupped a hand over Dan’s mouth.

“Thank you,” Chris said, “this will mean a lot to our friend.” Chris looked down at Dan and released his hand. “Won’t it, Dan?” Chris said in a “shouldn’t you be saying something” tone.

“Yeah…thanks,” Dan said, grabbing the large envelope.

The photo center worker smiled. “Sure! Good luck with your friend.”

Dan winced. “Yeah…I’ll need it…”

Dan held an ice-pack against his swollen cheek. “Chris, not every page needs a king’s ransom of fake, plastic jewels,” he declared as he and Chris pored over the photo album at Ninja Dave’s, a small pile of cookies sitting to either side of them.

“What! They’re very pretty. And I’m getting better at making shapes.”

“You are such a child…hand me that glitter pen…NO the lavender one. It’s like you have the artistic skills of a third grader.”

Chris looked down at their handiwork, an explosion of bedazzling jewels, stickers of hearts, stars, and rainbows, and glitter ink. “Sure, Dan,” he answered simply.

“Does ‘friends’ have one or two ‘N’s in it?” Dan asked Chris, Dan concentrated on writing something.

“How can you not know how to spell the word ‘friends’,” Chris said in mild irritation.

Dan looked up into space. “It’s never come up before…” he said trailing off.

“…One ‘N’, F-R-I-E-N-D-S.” Chris said, feeling a little sorry for Dan.

Dan concentrated on his writing for a second then looked up. “You only knew that because of the sitcom, didn’t you?” He asked with a mild accusatory tone.

Chris put back on an annoyed look. Well, that didn’t last long. “You can’t prove that!” Chris shot back.

Dan shook his head. “Never mind.” He held up a page. “What do you think?”

Chris squinted at it, examining it carefully. “Needs more rainbows.” He critiqued.

“Nuts to your rainbows. Can’t you see the pink, sparkly hearts are better in every way possible?” Dan motioned to the collection of stickers as if his statement was self-evident.

“They’re not better in having more colors.” Chris retorted. “Nothing is.” He added strongly.

“Ulg,” Dan uttered, turning the page. “Hand me the pink glitter pen.”

“You always start with the Pink glitter pen.” Chris said, reluctantly handing it over. He discreetly pushed a red glitter pen closer to Dan, “I think you’ll find the red makes a much bolder statement.”

“No,” Dan said, brushing the red pen off the table completely. “I like pink, it’s just like….” Dan trailed off deciding he was just going to let the sentence linger and hopefully die before Chris thought anything of it.

Chris responded by taking a bite out of one of his cookies. He paused. “I can’t believe you actually bought me cookies for a change.”

“Yeah well…” Dan trailed off, “I wanted you to be able to focus…and…” Dan struggled for an excuse,”…you get drowsy when you’re not eating.”

Chris took another bite. “Trraue” he said through a moth-full of cookie. Chris swallowed. “This has been the most fun I’ve had with you in a long time,” Chris admitted. “Can you crush a poor, innocent girl's dreams every night?”

Dan turned his palms upright and stared down at the sparkly, pink stains on them from his constant use of the pen.

“I really hope not.”

Heart racing, forehead covered in sweat, Dan entered the still lit apartment he had fled hours before.

She’s still here, good.

Dan stared at the back of the, now somehow, straight haired girl.

Uh oh... I don’t think she’s moved from that spot…I don’t think she’s moved at all!

Dan gulped and slowly walked towards Pinkie Pie.

Oh God… What if… What if she has like a melty face…? Or when you find out the monster is just a head full of teeth…? Oh please don’t have a melty face, of please, oh please, oh please…

Dan turned to face his potential horror movie monster come to life, but Pinkie just had a regular face.

A face that didn’t look like it had moved a muscle since he left.

WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN THE MELTY FACE?!

“Hi, Dan,” Pinkie said eerily, causing Dan to jump back a few feet. “Did you come back because you realized you could destroy more of my things in front of me? I think I ran out of tears a few hours back, but I can fake distress, still.”

“No, I…”

Pinkie turned to face him, and cocked her head to an uncomfortable looking angle. “Oh I got it.” For a brief second, her eyes went wide and her teeth began violently grinding as a corner of her lips pulled to the side. “You’ve come to use my body, then murder me. I mean…that’s probably what you saved me from anyway, you might as well be the one to continue...”

Dan’s expression broke into wide eyed shock with the force of a shattering window. Wow is she dark when she’s upset.

“Pinkie, I need you to come with me.”

“Oh, good idea. I’ll be easier to dispose of out in the wilderness….”

Dan’s skin began to crawl. “No! I just need you to come to my apartment.”

Pinkie’s head suddenly cocked into another uncomfortable looking angle as her eyes, teeth, and mouth repeated the pattern from before. “You’re going to dissolve my corpse in the bathtub…” she offered.

“NO, I!..” Dan let out an exasperated sigh and dragged a palm across his face. How come doing the right thing has to be so hard!?

“Look, I know I don’t deserve this, but I need you to trust me.”

Pinkie’s head returned to its full, upright position and she blinked her blue eyes that still sat framed with the bandage in pink hair, though the hair was straight this time.

“Okay, Dan.” What have I got to lose?

“SURPRISE!” Elise and Chris shouted, showering Pinkie with streamers.

Pinkie quietly looked around the apartment, streamers, balloons…even Elise and Chris were wearing party hats. They even put one around Mr. Mumbles who greeted Pinkie with a “Meow.”

“…Murder party?” Pinkie asked, turning back to Dan.

“No, apology party,” Dan assured. “A murder party should have more…”

Elise elbowed Dan in the ribs, cutting his sentence short. “Dan! Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Ah, right.” He handed a mass of pink wrapping paper with yellow and blue balloons on it to Pinkie who looked it over questioningly.

Pinkie opened her mouth to speak.

“If you say ’bomb’, so help me, I’m going to…” Dan caught himself, and calmed his tone. “Please just open it?” he pleaded with a tiny, hopeful smile.

Pinkie quickly shredded the paper and her eyes went wide as she opened up her new photo album to reveal the most beautiful display of fake plastic jewels, tacky stickers, and colorful glitter plastered photos she had ever seen.

Dan quickly threw an arm around Pinkie’s shoulders. “Hey Pinkie”

Pinkie looked up.

“Smile.”

The camera went off just in time to catch a dazzling smile from Pinkie as her hair went curly with a feeeeee!

Still with his arm wrapped around Pinkie’s shoulder, Dan turned the camera so they could both see the photo he had just taken of the two smiling away under their matching bandages around their heads. Quite possibly the first photo of Dan smiling without faking it in existence.

Dan pointed to a gaudy, pink picture frame, with ‘best friends forever’ written on it, sitting on the crate he used as his coffee table. “I think this will look even better in there.”

Pinkie hugged him hard enough to cause him to dwell on how many vertebrae this friendship was going to cost him.

She put her mouth close to his ear. “Thanks for coming back for me,” she whispered.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave you like that, could I?”

Pinkie held Dan at arm’s length and smiled with wide eyes. “It’s a good thing, too! A little bit more time and I might have decided to use your vital organs as confectionary ingredients.”

Dan laughed nervously, not at all convinced Pinkie had just made a joke.

Pinkie turned to Chris and Elise. “And you two helped as well?” Pinkie said smiling.

“I set up the decorations,” Elise said with a smile.

“And I helped bedazzle your photo album,” Chris said proudly.

Dan examined his completely decorated apartment. “Don’t tell me I gave you enough for all this?”

“I…sort of felt guilty about tonight and contributed a bit.”

“That’s Okay, Elise. I forgive you,” Dan said.

“Not for you.” Elise declared. “Her!” She said nodding at Pinkie Pie.

“Your food was that bad, eh?” Dan suggested.

Chris stepped up. “We kind of had a meltdown in front of Pinkie.”

“Really?” Dan said lifting an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth.

“The melty-est!” Pinkie said with a giggle. “But you two are okay, now..?” Pinkie asked, equal parts hope and worry.

Chris reached for his wife’s hand. “Yeah.” He looked down at Elise as a happy, warm feeling ran through his body. “I think we are.”

Elise looked up to her husband’s loving eyes, the two gazing at each other for what seemed like an eternity, finally closing the…

“YOU TWO KNOCK THAT OFF RIGHT NOW, WE’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT KISSY CRUD IN THE HOUSE OF DAN!”

Elise and Chris continued to hold hands, but shot Dan a wry grin.

“Who’s ready to conga? Pinkie asked.

“Oh! Me! Me!” Chris said, enthusiastically raising his hand.

“Count me out,” Dan said grumpily.

Pinkie shot him a sly grin. “Daaaaan,” she cooed, “I require ten conga laps from you, as part of your ‘apology party’.”

“But…”

“No ‘but’s!” Pinkie insisted as she maneuvered herself in front of Dan and grabbed his hands. She placed them on her waist.

“This is making me uncomfortable!” Dan declared, darting eyes from side to side.

Elise wasted no time in placing her own hands on Dan’s waist.

Dan gritted his teeth. “I warn you, I bite…”

Chris grabbed his wife by the waist. Elise smiled, enjoying the feeling of her husband’s hands on her body.

“Aaaand here we go!” Pinkie announced cheerfully.

Dan stopped and listened to the song playing

Chris had bought a few CDs up from his and Elise’s car, and Chris had dredged up Dan’s CD player out of the filth to play a couple.

“Chris, what is this?” Dan asked.

Chris smiled “It’s Coldplay.” Chris listened for a second, “Paradise.”

Dan paused and listened to the lyrics.

“I hate it, and I hate you for sullying the inside of my walls with it.”

“Love ya too, buddy.” Chris replied with a smile.

“I think it’s great!” Pinkie chimed in.

Dan made a dismissive-disgusted sound.

“Whatever, I’m going to try some of the swill Elise made.”

“Ooh!” Pinkie said excitedly, and rushed to try some strawberry lemonade as well.

Dan poured Pinkie a glass, then himself one. He took a sip. “Hey, Elise. There’s this thing called “sugar”,” Dan said, contorted his face at the tartness of the drink. "Perchance you've heard tale of it? You can by it by the pound at this place called 'stores'."

Pinkie, likewise, was making a fish face.

Elise shot Dan an annoyed look, “Sorry, I thought the strawberries would add more sweetness…”

Dan made a disgusted sigh and dug a bag full of sugar out of a cupboard.

“Allow me!” Pinkie mixed a few heaping spoonfuls of sugar with a spoon into both cups and stirred them vigorously.

Dan shot a quick suspicious look at Pinkie then took a sip. The drink was sublime. He quickly downed the whole thing to the delight of Pinkie.

Chris walked over to Elise. “Hey Elise.”

“Yeah, Chris?” Elise asked, the serious tone in her husband’s voice worrying her.

“When you bring work home, can it stay in the shed from now on?” Chris asked, diplomatically.

Elise smiled wide and warmly and took her husband’s hands. “Of course, dear.”

Chris smiled to match his wife’s.

The two closed the distance between them until their warm bodies were touching.

Elise let her arms drift up around her husband’s neck.

Chris wrapped his arms around his wife’s shoulders.

Pinkie’s face beamed as she looked at the happy couple, inches away from kissing.

Dan stood next to Pinkie and began to protest, “WHAT DID I…”

Pinkie threw a punch into Dan’s arm without turning or shifting from the spot.

Dan toppled over onto the floor with loud 'THUD!'.

Chris’s and Elise’s lips met in a passionate kiss as Pinkie let out a squeal of delight.

“Meow”

Dan stood up holding Mr. Mumbles, party hat still firmly attached around the cat’s head.

“Mr. Mumbles requires more cake!” Dan announced.

Chris broke the kiss and looked over to the cat, frowning. “But it’s the last piece!” He protested.

“Meow.”

“Chris, I’m sorry…”—Pinkie grabbed a small paper plate with cake on it and placed it on the nearby counter— “but we have a kitty-cat here in desperate need of some cake,” she insisted.

Dan sat down Mr. Mumbles on the counter, who happily bounded to the cake and began eating it while purring away.

Elise patted her husband on the chest. “It’s fine. You can have ice cream when we get back.”

Chris met his wife’s gaze. “Actually…I think I’ve had enough sweets for one night.”

“You two mind taking the mushy show on the road? Some of us are trying to eat.” Dan motioned to his cat, who looked up with a face covered in frosting and offered a “Meow.”

Elise and Chris walked to the door, hand in hand.

“You behave yourself now,” Chris commanded.

“Don’t worry, Chris! I will,” Pinkie answered cheerfully with a wave.

“I was talking to DAN,” Chris stressed.

Elise embraced Pinkie whose smile grew wide with the token of affection.

“We should go clothes shopping some time,” Elise offered.

Chris collapsed to the floor in a heap.

“Alone,” Elise added.

Chris sat back up and breathed a sigh of relief.

The group said their goodbyes as the couple made its way outside.

Once the two were off the stairs, Dan closed the door and turned to see a pensive looking Pinkie Pie fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

“Hey, Dan…”she began, “…I…I know I have my own apartment, but…what I mean is…”

“The couch is yours,” Dan said simply.

Pinkie’s eyes and pupils grew to an impossible size. “P….PERMANENTLY?!” she asked excitedly.

Dan stared at her blankly, unable to say no. “Sure,” he said with a smile, adding, “best friend forever.”

'CRACK!'

Dan’s next thought was regarding spines and the hope that their importance had been greatly exaggerated.

“Meow”

Dan glanced at his cat, her face now completely covered in frosting. He scratched his bandages, pondering having a roommate, especially given the cramped living quarters the two would be sharing.

“I guess we better clean up….” He said, trailing off.

Pinkie took a quick glance behind Dan’s head. Her eyes went wide as she dashed off.

“Pinkie?” Dan called out.

In a flash, she was back. Bandages and rags in one hand, Everclear in the other.

“You’re bleeding, Dan.” Pinkie said, concern giving way to an eerie smile.

Dan felt the back of his head, it was just a trickle, but he had disturbed the cut a little.

“Uhhh…it’s nothing!” Dan insisted. “It’ll stop on its own!”

Pinkie placed the bottle of Everclear on Dan’s foosball table and slowly approached him.

“No, Dan,” she insisted, a mad smile slowly conquering its way across her face. “It must be cleaned and sterilized, IMMEDIATELY.” Pinkie’s head cocked to the side, and the side of her mouth twisted up to reveal a mouth of smiling teeth that violently grinded against each other for a split second.

“Oh ummm….” Dan tried to think of an excuse out. “Chris forgot his cruddy CDs, I’ll just…” Dan reached for the door, but Pinkie was there in an instant, slamming an open palm in between him and his escape. A mad glint in her eyes.

Dan let out a little “Eeep” as Pinkie grabbed him by the hand…

“I hope they’ll be OK.” Elise mentioned.

There was some mad laughter, some painful screaming, more laughter, more screaming, some whining…

“Dan?” Elise said, recognizing the tortured voice.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning “WHY!?”, some giggling, MORE whining, the sound of something crashing…

Chris just shook his head, “They’ll be fine.”

“…”

“It’s the rest of us I’m worried about.”

Author's Notes:

Revised!

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie

Epilogue

Dan awoke with an irritated grumble, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

Mr. Mumbles, likewise, sat up from her spot curled next to Dan, stretched, and jumped off the bed.

It had taken a while, but he had gotten used to the near constant noise of the firing range across the street.

What was new was the sounds of whimpering from his living room that now accompanied all the gunfire. He would have simply closed his door, but that would also mean shutting Mr. Mumbles off from her litter box in the bathroom.

Clad in a black “JERK” shirt and white boxers with thin, red, vertical stripes, Dan made his way through the open door into the living room.

Mr. Mumbles was sitting in front of a white quivering boxed shaped thing that was leaning against the couch, she looked up at Dan with a short “Meow”.

Dan examined the scene. Pinkie had obviously removed the couch cushions and arranged the three around herself as some sort of crude barrier, while covering herself with a sheet.

Dan sighed at how absolutely pathetic it all looked.

Pinkie slowly removed the sheet from over her head, revealing her curly pink hair, bandaged forehead, and an evening attire consisting of pink pajamas.

She looked up at Dan with her big, blue eyes, fright having set shop in them from the constant gunfire. “H…Hi Dan.” She stammered out. “Did I”–a shot from a higher caliber weapon rang out, causing Pinkie to give a startled “Eeeee” and flinch–"Did I wake you? I’m sorry, I’ll try to cup my hands over my mouth…”

“What the heck do you call this?” Dan said in a rather irritated tone of voice, motioning with both hands to the three couch cushions Pinkie had arranged around herself.

Pinkie looked down. “Fort Pinkie Pie?” she offered, looking back up at Dan with a sheepish smile.

Dan smacked his palm against his face and shook his head, “This is…this is just sad.” He disturbed the structure with his foot, causing it to topple around Pinkie.

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered as she clutched the sheet around her. She began to tear up slightly.

Dan walked off back into his bedroom, grumbling. There was a grunt of Dan straining, a muffled “thump”, and Dan slowly emerged dragging his mattress behind him.

Pinkie looked up in confusion.

“Move!” Dan commanded. “And get that crate out of the way, while you’re at it."

Pinkie quickly grabbed the couch cushions and pushed Dan's makeshift coffee table out of the way as Dan plopped the mattress in front of the barren couch.

“Great,” Dan said, his tone turning to something a bit calmer and even. “Now help me move the foosball table. I think it’ll make a perfect entrance.”

Pinkie gleefully helped Dan arrange furniture, cushions, throw pillows, blankets, and sheets until the two had arranged everything into a respectable looking mini-structure inside the apartment.

Once 'Fort Dan Pie' was complete, the two crawled under the foosball table and onto the mattress, a blanket and a pillow each.

Dan yawned and rolled over, pulling his cover over himself.

Facing the wall composed of random bits of wooden furniture and throw pillows, he sleepily called out, “Goodnight Pinkie.”

Pinkie sat up for a second, regarding Dan with her eyes.

“Dan?” she quietly asked.

Dan turned his body and face her, his emerald-green eyes searching for her sky-blue ones in the darkness. “Yeah, Pinkie?” he replied.

Pinkie smiled warmly. “You’re the best.”

Dan smiled up at her. “I know.”

Mr. Mumbles trotted in from the entrance, and curled up in between the two. Pinkie Pie leaned her head on the pillow facing Dan and quickly fell asleep, the fear of the gunfire having been defeated by Dan’s kind act.

Dan also drifted off facing Pinkie. Soon he was in a deep, serene sleep. The most peaceful rest he had in many, many years.

End Part 2

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Thanks for reading!

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life: Chapter 13 Pinkie Vs. Technology

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life

Chapter 13 Pinkie Vs. Technology

“Wowwie-zowwie with sprinkles and a cherry on top, Twilight! You’re the smartest pony ever!”

Light penetrated the thin sheet roof of the mighty pillow and furniture fort 'Dan Pie' as Pinkie sat cross legged on top of a mattress inside. She had decided to wear her pink dress that she had altered with a pattern of blue and yellow balloons at the bottom. The pattern helped combat the unease she felt now that her cutie mark was absent. Over the dress she wore a small blue short sleeved jacket and a few colorful bracelets on her wrists.

Twilight smiled proudly through the small compact mirror Pinkie was holding, “Well, it’s just transferring information and magic across the communication line here, it’s not a lot different from what the mirrors are already doing.”

“Aw, Twilight, you’re always so modest. I would have never thought you could cast spells through the mirrors!”

Twilight’s expression dropped to something more neutral, “I just wish I could use the same technique to get you back!”

Pinkie offered a consolatory smile. “It’s okay, Twilight. I know you’ll figure it out eventually.” Pinkie turned to the two thin, rectangular devices sitting on the mattress next to her and pointed her compact mirror in their direction. One was about a foot and a half across and another foot wide, the other was of similar dimensions, but a fraction of the size of the other.

“Ready,” She said.

“Aim,” was the response as a purple glow began to emanate from the tiny mirror.

“Fire!” Pinkie said with a note of excitement.

A small purple energy beam fired out from the mirror and hit the two devices, which began to glow with the same purple light.

The light and noise was enough to get a mangy grey cat sleeping on a pillow in a corner of the fort to wake and give a quizzical “Meow.”

The two devices slowly levitated a few inches off the mattress, hung for a few seconds, then lowered back to their original locations. The purple glow suddenly left the two devices and changed back into a beam that fired into the mirror held by Pinkie.

Pinkie looked down at the mirror that was facing away from her. “Got it?” she asked.

“Got it.”

Mr. Mumbles trotted over from her pillow perch to swat at the two electronics briefly. When they didn’t respond, she trotted out of the fort under the foosball table entrance, in search of food.

Pinkie turned the mirror to see Twilight using her magic to project two sets of purple and white displays consisting of tiny circles, squares with dozens of lines jutting off in every direction; lines that made long, angled journeys across a land of hundreds and hundreds of tiny dots and shapes neither Pinkie nor Twilight had seen before.

Pinkie squinted. Geez! Look at all those labels! Twilight sure seems to keep thing orderly. Are they in some sort of code? The only thing she could understand was the giant words floating over either projection. One saying “Computer” the other “Phone” which pretty much summed where Twilight’s knowledge began and ended with either device, having had very limited exposure to either during her trip to her own human dimension (and having not much luck with the computers there).

“Pinkie…this is amazing!” Twilight said in…well…amazement.

“Ooh...pretty.” was Pinkie’s offering. “Are they, like…more magic symbols, or something?”

Twilight excitedly glanced between the two. “No Pinkie…I think they’re both some type of machine. Like the ones I use for analyzing and chemistry, but…oh my gosh…” Twilight was beaming with excitement at this point “…just way, way beyond anything in Equestria!”

Pinkie frowned, technology wasn’t her strong suit. Dan had spent hours and hours explaining the “television” the two had embedded in the side of Fort Dan Pie.

In Dan’s case, this meant hours of lecturing while Pinkie struggled to stay awake and Dan provided cross sections and excruciatingly tried to describe every minute piece. The whole experience left Pinkie with a desire to not concern herself so much with the workings of all the new pieces of equipment she’d never seen before.

Well, maybe Twilight explaining it wouldn’t be so bad.

“What is all that code you have there, Twilight?” Pinkie asked about the numbers and letters that both displays seemed absolutely littered with.

Twilight glanced back towards Pinkie, “I’m glad you asked!” Twilight said with wide eyed enthusiasm.

“You see Pinkie, my magic detection spell can only tell me things using my own frame of reference. I don’t know what many of these things are, because I’ve never seen them before. However, I do understand molecular structure and chemical compounds that can be used to create devices such as these!”

Oh no!

“What you’re seeing is actually a combination of my magic and understanding of the building blocks of all these components labeling all the components of the devices. In fact, my magic and brain are working in tandem to help me understand brand new chemical compounds never before discovered in Equestria!”

What have I done!?

“The ‘code’ you’re seeing is actually the string of periodic elements that compose all the myriad tiny elements of these devices. Furthermore, my knowledge can break these down into their atomic weight, electron configuration…”

Oh Celestia, please maaaaake it stop!

“…melting point, boiling point, vaporization p…”

“Howdy, Pardners! Hope we aren’t interuptin’ nothin’.”

THANK YOU, CELSTIA!

Twilight turned, and Pinkie could make out from the tiny mirror that Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were approaching the large, stand-up mirror on their end.

“HEY EVERYPONY! IT’S SO NICE TO SEE YOU ALL!” Pinkie said with an uncharacteristically large amount of enthusiasm, even for her.

Twilight glanced at her three friends. “You four catch up. I’ve got science to do!” Twilight said, trotting off to another part of the very large shop she had set up in Canterlot Castle.

“Still haven’t figured out those computawatchmacalits, eh?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“No.” Pinkie admitted. “I tried pushing every button, asking nicely, asking not so nicely, demanding, screaming, threatening, begging, pleading, shaking…”--Pinkie looked away for a second and tapped her chin-- “…trying to will a response with my latent, psychic powers,” She added turning back to the mirror. “So, everything, really!”

“So now, it’s Princess Egghead, to the rescue, eh?” Pinkie and Applejack shared a small giggle at Rainbow’s new pet-name for their lavender alicorn friend.

“Yep,” Pinkie said with a grin. “Twilight will figure them out for sure.”

“How’s that ornery roommate of yours treatin’ ya?” Applejack inquired.

“Much better than he used to, I hope,” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie smiled warmly. “Ah, he’s been nice.” Pinkie thought for a second and qualified, “As nice as Dan can be, at least.”

“I see the most awesome and amazing furniture/pillow fort ever still stands,” Rainbow Dash commented.

Pinkie smiled proudly. “Yep! Though, it’s sort of impractical,” Pinkie admitted.

“No way! Nothing that awesome can be impractical,” Rainbow countered.

“Well, with every piece of furniture in the apartment that wasn’t nailed down used in its construction, it’s sort of the only place Dan and I can hang out, so…” Pinkie trailed off trying to think of the most diplomatic way to describe the situation. “…almost every conversation is pretty intense with us almost always being within inches of each other.”

“Oh my! Sounds scary!” Fluttershy said. Pinkie had spent much time describing her exploits and conversations with Dan; each one seemed pretty terrifying to the yellow Pegasus. Dan had become a recurring nightmare in Fluttershy’s sleep that even Princess Luna was having trouble helping her with (Luna having recently discovered that being set on dream fire was probably every bit as painful as being set on real fire).

Pinkie waved dismissively with a smile. “You get used to it.”

“Really?” the trio of friends asked in unison.

“Yeah, you really do,” Pinkie said with warmth in her voice.

“Well, he doesn’t seem to be around much,” Applejack stated simply.

Pinkie’s expression went a little serious for a change. “I don’t think he’s used to living with somepo…imean…someone else,” Pinkie offered. “He’s used to having this place all to himself.” Pinkie thought on her daily battles with trying to keep the place tidy. It should have been easy with most of the stuff in the small apartment consolidated into a structure in the living room. Yet, somehow Dan would mess it all up within minutes of coming home, forcing Pinkie to start from square one every day.

To Dan’s credit, he seemed just as disappointed with his own inability to keep his place clean as Pinkie was, so Pinkie was managing to keep a lid on her frustration for the time being.

“Ah still would like to meet him and give him a piece of mah mind for the things he’s done ta ya!”

“I second that motion!” Rainbow Dash offered. “Whatsa matter? He too yello..”--Dash glanced at her pegasus friend -- “..chicken to talk to us?”

“Believe me,” Pinkie responded. “It’s not Dan’s reaction to you that worries me.” Eyes converged on Fluttershy who whimpered quietly in response.

“SO! How are things with you guys?” Pinkie asked, her smile returning as she changed the subject.

“My training at the Wonderbolts Academy is going aaaawesooome~!” Rainbow Dash answered. “Spitfire says that I’m the best trainee they’ve ever had. I’ll be the best Wonderbolt ever pretty soon!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “She also said tah work on that attitude of yours.”

“Hey! I am getting better!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “I didn’t say I’d be captain this ti…oops.”

The friends shared a laugh.

“How’s your wingpony handling things?” Pinkie continued.

“Lightning Dust…” Rainbow Dash thought for a second, “…well, she’s like me, you know?” Dash offered. “She’s not used to being second best.” Rainbow Dash paused and added, “...We’ll work it out.” with a hopeful smile.

Pinkie shifted her glance to her other friends. “Ooh! Ooh! Ponyville doing OK? Do ponies miss me! Do they talk about me! All good, I hope!”

Applejack smiled. “Yep! Your absence has been noted by everypony, but we keep sendin’ them your love. “Fluttershy and I are holdin’ down the fort. Keeping the apples goin’ and the animals in line.” Applejack added with pride in her voice.

“It is much lonelier, though…” Fluttershy added.

“Ahhh, it’s okay! I’ll be back soon.” Pinkie Pie assured, as much to herself as anypony.

“Ah hope so, sugarcube. With Rainbow Dash constantly at the academy, Twilight working here, and Rarity liking Canterlot so much she’s even moved some of her work here, Ponyville just ain't the same!” Applejack explained. “We wanted to bring her along, but ah think she’s at another garden party!”

“It’s okay,” Pinkie said. “She and I caught up yesterday. She tries to see me whenever possible.”

Rainbow Dash made a disgusted “Ugh” sound. “You mean she actually finds time away from her constant rubbing elbows with every fancy unicorn here?”

“Yep!” Pinkie giggled. “She even finds time to make her dresses and sell them at exorbitant prices to the ponies here! They can’t seem to get enough!” Pinkie leaned in close to the mirror and whispered, “Could you maybe tell her the next thing she needs to pay attention to is her sleep? I think she may be overdoing it a bit…”

“Tell me about it,” Fluttershy said. “She took me to one of her fancy parties, and I had to hold her up nearly the entire time--”

“Hold up there, pardner!” Applejack interrupted. “Are you tellin’ me Rarity actually invited you to one of her fancy shin-digs?”

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly. “She said my ‘grace and poise were perfect for high society.’” Fluttershy frowned. “It was kinda fun until one of those fancy unicorns recognized me from my modeling time…” Fluttershy shuttered with the memory of being crowded at the party, an experience that mirrored her brief and unpleasant foray into modeling. “They couldn’t leave me alone after that…”

Rainbow Dash grinned, “Heh, I bet Miss Fussy Hooves was pretty jealous.”

“Not really,” Fluttershy corrected. “I think her friends like her even more now that they know she’s best friends with an exmodel…plus she sort of passed out on the hors d' oeuvres table while everypony was hounding me.”

The four friends shared another big laugh.

Pinkie cocked her head to the side as she heard footsteps slowly approach the apartment door; a familiar, grumpy voice accompanying them.

“Ooh! Gotta go! I love you all! Give Ponyville my love, too, will ya!”

The trio waved through the small mirror.

“Will do, sugarcube!” Applejack replied as Pinkie shut the compact mirror.

Pinkie heard the door open as Dan walked in.

“Alright, I’ll tell her.” She heard Dan say.

She saw the familiar face of her room/fortmate lean down through the entrance.

“Get outta there, will ya?” Dan said. “We’re heading out.”

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life: Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life

Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity

Pinkie crawled out from under the foosball table. “Out wherey-dairy-berry, Dan?”

“There’s this place called ‘outside’?” Dan began snidely, moving the phone he was speaking into a few inches away from his mouth. “Perchance you’ve heard the legend? Big blue ceiling, extends forever in all directions, home to all things outside the apartment.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes, “Yes, Dan. I know what ‘outside’ means.”

To be fair, I haven’t set foot outside without someone else with me…but this place is pretty scary by human standards!

And why does everyone have giant, spiky fences and gates in front of their houses?

“Pinkie?”

Is it to keep in their tiny, yappy dogs? Why does everyone have a tiny, yappy dog?!

Ulg, except the house with that Doberman, why couldn’t they have a yappy dog, instead of that scary monster of a dog?

“Pinkie!”

One day, Doberman, mark my words! One day, Pinkie Pie will…

“Piiinkiieee!”

“Right. Sorry. Where was I?”

“I know what ‘outside’ means.” Dan said, mimicking Pinkie’s eye roll.

“Yeah…I mean, wherey-dairy-berry outside are we going?..”, Pinkie’s eyes narrowed, “We’re not attacking the grocery outlet store because you ate old meat that made you sick again, are we?”

There was a “What was that?!” Heard from the phone in Dan’s hand.

Dan responded by looking down at it, pointing firmly, and declaring “You heard NOTHING!” Dan looked back towards Pinkie, “And, ‘No’. I think they’re still scrubbing out the smell of rancid meat from the walls and ceiling.”

“Good,” Pinkie replied without changing expression, “Because I’M still scrubbing the smell from the clothes we wore that day!” Pinkie glanced away for a second and added, “I didn’t realize dynamite was so good at liquefying putrid meat.”

“Hey! I was right, wasn’t I?” Dan countered.

Pinkie sighed, “Yes Dan, it WAS a conspiracy that went all the way up to the FDA so that grocery outlet stores could keep meat on the shelves longer.” Pinkie admitted exasperated that Dan never stopped to remind her when he was right about a theory. “So wherey, dairy, berry, outside, are we going?”

“Elise is taking us out to dinner.” Dan said flatly, placing the phone back to his ear.

Pinkie immediately perked back up to her…well…perky self. “Oooh! Ooh! I’ll grab my walle…”

“Elise also says if she so much as sees that wallet she’ll break your hand in three places.”

There was an angry cry of “Don’t tell her I said that!” As Dan terminated the call.

“WHAT?! Why…”
-
“…would you say that to him?” Chris asked from the driver seat of his and Elise’s blue sedan. “You know there’s no way he’d not tell her."

“I know! It’s just…does she have to insist on paying for everything?!” Elise began listing items on her fingers, “Gas, movies, dinners, snacks, lunch…” Elise paused then raised her other hand, continuing the count, “breakfast, brunch…utility bills…” Elise dropped her hands and added “…house payment.” with a sigh.

“Did you figure out where it all comes from?” Chris asked.

“No!” Elise responded with no small amount of frustration. “I managed to get quite a few bills just hanging out with her and asking for change right behind her. I analyzed them, and all of them are legit! And my research hasn’t turned up any evidence that they’re stolen from anywhere. Other than the possibility that they’re perfect copies of other bills out in circulation, I can’t find any evidence of wrongdoing! It’s like the money in that wallet...”
-
“…breeds?” Dan parroted back to Pinkie, considering calling her an idiot for even asking, but his urge to respond with his typical irate attitude was overruled by the shear bizarreness of the question. “No, Pinkie. Money does not breed here, no matter how much of it you keep together…” Dan thought for a second, glancing at the ceiling. “Actually…wait…is that how banks work?” He asked no one in particular.

“Well, it’s all got to come from somewhere!” Pinkie insisted.

“Like a magic wallet that appeared when you crossed dimensions specifically created so you’d have the resources to get by?”

“Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, rubbing her hand against her chin, “That makes perfect sense, but who…”
-
“…would even give her something like that?” Elise asked.

Chris raised an eyebrow, “You really think its alien technology that’s set to create more money every time she removes a bill?” He asked skeptically.

“OK, of the two of us, who do you think has seen more alien technology?” Elise asked with a sideways glance.

“I watch a lot of sci-fi!” Chris insisted in an indignant tone. “Anyway, I’m surprised Dan doesn’t even take advantage of it. I mean, he’s never had trouble asking for money from me.”

“I think it’s different with Pinkie, she’s so…willing. And tends to assume she’s doing everyone a favor. I think it makes him just as…”
-
“UNCOMFORTABLE?!” Pinkie parroted back to Dan, albeit, with quite a bit more force. “Why? I WANT to help everypo…I mean body! Why wouldn’t they like it?” Pinkie asked with a pleading pout.

Dan paused and thought for a second. Explaining things Pinkie didn’t have an equivalent for was easy enough, TV, telephones, those…things on the street you weren’t allowed to park next to where water comes out of if you hit them hard enough with a pipe wrench. However, it was always difficult to explain human psychology.

Maybe no one in Equestria has to deal with imposter syndrome..?

Or, that’s just Pinkie Pie and I’ll have to pierce that thick skull of hers somehow.

“Dan?”

Hammer and chisel..? Naw, she squirms too much for that.

Ghost Chili pepper extract and baking soda? Hmmm…No, that would probably melt her entire head off.

“Dan!”

Oh! Power drill! I’ll just duct tape her to my chair…ah crud, the fort…

“Daaaaaaaan!”

“Uhhh…Where was I?”

“You were telling me I’m making everyone uncomfortable with how I pay for everything,” Pinkie said, throwing her arms to the side.

“Right!” Dan said, deciding to opt for a tactic with a far smaller chance of killing his new roommate, or cleaning bits of blood and skull out of the dingy carpet. “OK, so you know how each of us can get money on our own; Elise is employed, Chris is occasionally employed, I live off my bingo winnings and recovered wishing money from fountains…” Dan said, listing each person on their own finger as he tapped them with his other index finger.

“But I seem to have a super-duper unlimited amount of the stuff!” Pinkie insisted. “Why shouldn’t my friends let me take care of them?”

Dan winced. “Did it ever occur to you that we don’t always want to be taken care of?”

Pinkie blinked a few times, a blank expression on her face signifying she didn’t get it.

“…Well, I guess I can let Elise pay this once...”

Dan sighed, it would have to do for now.

“But I get to pay for dessert!” Pinkie responded resolutely.

Dan folded his arms. “Just how attached are you to your hands?”

Pinkie raised her hands to her eye level and gave them a vigorous shake. “They seem pretty solidly attached to the rest of me.”

Dan squinched his eyes together and grabbed the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “I meant, just how ready are you to have Elise shatter the bones in one?”

Pinkie turned her hands palms up and regarded each one, looking back and forth between the pair, “Shakey or Wavey?” She said, holding her hands out for Dan to see.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Does it matter?”

Pinkie brought her hands back up to her face and considered this. “Fine…” she sighed out.

Dan grinned with his mouth full of pointed death and rubbed his hands together. “Great! Now that that’s settled, where should we go? I’m thinking…”
-
“Lenny’s? Are you serious?” Elise asked, shocked. “Even excluding Pinkie’s first visit, remember when she discovered imitation vanilla for the first time?”

“Imitation Vanilla?! Imitation Vaaanillaaaa?!” Pinkie said as her squeaky voice changed into a screech. “Listen here, buster! I know ‘imitation’ is the ‘highest form of flattery’, but this is a crime against food! How can you even think this bland, fake, LIE, of a real substance is an acceptable substitute! I wouldn’t feed this to my alligator! I WOULDN’T FEED THIS TO THE ALLIGATORS IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!”

The hapless chef looked up from the stool Pinkie had sat him on for his high-pitched dressing down. “Can..can I go now? My shift ended hours ago, and…”

“I’M NOT FINISHED TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE AT EVERYTHING AND HOW YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR WORTHLESS, BAKED GOODS RUINING LIFE!”

Elise continued, “Or the time she and…”
-
“…I made that awesome pancake thrower!” Dan said, trying to sway his roommate.

“Catapult.” Dan offered.

Pinkie thought about this for a second. “Isn’t catapult ammunition usually…round?” Pinkie motioned her hands in a spherical manner. “And pancakes are flat,” Pinkie moved her hands together to symbolize flat. “I doubt we could control the trajectory with all that air resistance.” Pinkie held up one palm flatly and wiggled her fingers at it with the other, signifying air moving against the flat side of a pancake.

“Trebuchet!”

“Same problem, you’re just using a counter-weight instead of skein to throw the pancakes awkwardly,” Pinkie replied as she absentmindedly chewed on the end of a straw.

Dan smiled, he was enjoying that Pinkie was surprisingly knowledgeable about siege weaponry, him and her just having had a very fulfilling discussion on cannons. “Ballista,” he continued.

Pinkie brought her elbows onto the table, raising her forearms towards her face as she clasped a loose hand around a loose fist. She rested her chin on her hands as she glanced towards the corners of her eye and continued chewing her straw.

Pinkie frowned. “I don’t think the pancake would retain its shape as it was propelled through the trough at such a high speed,” She explained.

Dan turned his head with a thoughtful expression and rested his chin on his palm. He began racking his brain for something else that could propel pancakes through the air at dangerous speeds but not suffer the same problems Pinkie had listed.

Dan heard a snap from the across the table, he turned to see a smiling Pinkie holding up a finger in an “Ah Ha!” pose. “Disk thrower,” she announced with a proud grin.

Dan knitted his brow. “Disk thrower?”

“Yeah, like…like a catapult, but instead of throwing the pancakes overhand,”--Pinkie mimicked an overhand throw with her arm--“we grip it by the edge and toss it horizontally while adding a spin to give it stability.” Pinkie mimicked throwing a disc or Frisbee. “That way it can fly in a targeted glide!”

Dan paused.

“…THAT’S THE GREATEST IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD, EVER!” He insisted, excitedly slapping his palms on the table, leaning closer in.

Pinkie mirrored his response with an “Iknowright?!”

Dan turned to a familiar looking, skinny waitress with California tanned skin and blonde hair.

“Garcon!” He commanded. “More pancakes, post haste!”

The waitress rolled her eyes. “’Garcon’ means ‘boy’.” She replied with mild annoyance.

“I know!” Dan responded cheerfully. “I just don’t like you!”

Soon the booth the pair was sitting at was a mess of discarded pieces of wood, sawdust, tools, and a large, wooden device that looked much as if a catapult had been placed on its side and had its bucket squashed into more of a flat disk shape.

“I can’t believe the store room had all that rope and tools sitting in it!” Pinkie said, admiring the medieval looking device she and Dan had created.

“I can’t believe they didn’t kick us out when we stole all the shelves from the store room and used them to create this device,” Dan replied.

“Alright…” Pinkie carefully loaded a pancake onto the disk of the long wooden throwing ‘arm’ which extended toward the front of the device.

Dan turned a winch on the side of the device which reeled in a rope that slowly pulled the arm back until it was pulled behind the device.

“Target?” Pinkgie asked.

“That family with the obnoxious kids who refuse to sit still and the parents who refuse to do anything about it,” Dan suggested.

“Dan,” Pinkie said with a reprimanding tone. “I’m not going to use this on people! No matter how bad the children are or the parents are at raising them,” she insisted.

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes before he replied, “Oh, all right. How about that metal cylinder a little to the right of the obnoxious family.”

“You mean ‘garbage can’”? Pinkie offered.

“Whatever! It’s not a human, is it?”

Pinkie’s expression softened back into a smile. “That’s acceptable.” She shifted the device slightly as she eyed her target.

“PULL!” Dan yelled.

Pinkie pulled back a small lever on the device which caused the arm to rocket back into place, releasing the pancake to spin and glide at high speed, the doughy discus cutting through the restaurant air and directly into the food and beverages sitting on top of the table in front of the 'obnoxious' family, splattering soda and food all over them.

Dan buried his mouth into his arm and tried to stifle a laugh.

“Whoops…” Pinkie uttered. “My calibration was off.” She fiddled with a few components on the device and loaded a second pancake.

Dan dutifully winched the arm back again. “PULL!”

This time the pancake sailed too far right, colliding with the cash register. It fell off its perch and directly onto the chest of the Lenny’s employee working it, who collapsed to the floor under its weight.

Pinkie wrinkled her features over the cry of “MY RIB CAGE!” and uttered a “Too much” as she did more adjustments.

“Misaligned calculations aside, the fact that we took out a cash register with a pancake is very impressive,” Dan said with delight.

Pinkie loaded the arm. “Alright, that should do it, winch it up.”

Dan complied as their waitress angrily walked up to the table and stood in front of them. “WHAT THE HECK DO YOU TWO THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” she demanded.

“Pull!” Pinkie commanded herself, launching a point-blank pancake into the chest of their irate waitress. This was quickly followed by a surprised yelp, the sound of breaking glass, and a loud 'Thump!'

Pinkie and Dan peered through the waitress sized hole that was just recently made in one of the large windows of the restaurant.

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Not that I’m complaining, but I thought you said ‘no people’.”

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Yeah, I don’t really like her, either.” She admitted.

“DAN!” Pinkie insisted, "I said…”
-
“No way are we going back there after I had to remove you two after the syrup fiasco!” Elise said sternly.

Pinkie eyed one of the syrup dispensers carefully and looked up. “Did you ever just want to drink the entire contents of one of these things?”

“Only every day of my life, ” Chris responded, his pupils dilating with the thought.

“No! That’s disgusting,” Dan replied. “However, I have a strange and sudden urge to see what will happen if you two do it,” he said in a ponderous tone.

Pinkie grinned mischievously, and looked across the table to Chris. She held up one of the syrup dispensers by the handle, the viscous, translucent, light red material contained within seductively shifting back and forth. “Syrup race?” she offered.

Chris wasted no time picking out his weapon of choice, a dark blue tinted syrup of his own. “You’re on!” he said, as determination took hold of his features.

Pinkie turned to Dan who was sitting next to her.

“Dan, would you like to get us started?”

Dan looked from Pinkie then to Chris. Both had wild, yet excited and resolute expressions plastered on their faces.

Dan shrugged. “Go!”

The two competitors wasted no time in opening and placing the syrup dispensers to their lips, quickly emptying the contents in large gulps within a matter of seconds.

With a strong clink of thick glass hitting wood, Pinkie gleefully brought her empty dispenser to the table, a split second before Chris.

“HAH!” she said, her eye twitching slightly.

“Hey, no fair!” Chris complained. “The strawberry is thinner than the blueberry!”

“Oh Chris, don’t be such a baby,” Dan replied.

Pinkie wiped her mouth with her arm in a jerky, quick movement. “No, Dan. He might be right! I will not have my victory tarnished by inconsistent syrup viscosity!”

In a flash, Chris and Pinkie snagged the remaining two dispensers on the table. They eyed each other carefully with pupils that had slowly started to grow in size, then the two turned and looked at Dan.

Dan examined the two with renewed interest and uttered a soft, “go.”

*2 additional races later*

“Dan! Dan, Dan, Dan, DanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDan!”

“WHAT?!” Dan asked, looking into Pinkie’s eyes, the blue having seceded much territory to her black pupils at this point.

“I can see forever, Dan!” Pinkie replied, wide eyed, her normally content smile being replaced by one a bit wilder.

Chris suddenly dashed onto the scene holding another four syrup dispensers in a metal holder. “Pinkie! I got us another set!” Chris said, his own blue eyes likewise, turning black. “We mustn’t let this stalemate stand!”

“Oh, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!”

The two turned to Dan who had noticed the pair of competitors seemed to be vibrating.

Are they excited, or suffering some sort of crazy glucose overdose..? Oh well, as long as they’re having fun…and I’m not likely to get hurt.

“Go!”

In a flash, syrup went from dispenser to throat.

Dan picked up his phone and dialed. “Elise? You might want to get down to Lenny’s…” Dan eyed the two sticky individuals who were grinning at him with, wide, toothy grins. The two were already holding their next set of dispensers. “…Bring a tarp.” He added.

“Go!”

*14 additional races later*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ‘OUT OF SYRUP’!” Pinkie screeched at a familiar waitress, the waitress having changed her look slightly by adding a cast and sling on one arm and some assorted bandages over her face.

“You two...you two drank all the syrup in the restaurant.” The waitress gulped. “There isn’t anymore.”

“I don’t believe her!” Chris said. “I think she just wants it all for herself!” Chris positioned an accusatory finger at the waitress with unbelievable speed. The blacks of his pupils had conquered almost all other color from his eyes.

“You’re right Chris!” Pinkie replied, her eyes similarly practically pitch black at this point. “My new syrup sense sees through her trickery!” In a flash, Pinkie was behind the waitress and had hooked her arms under the waitress’s. “Quick!” Pinkie said. “I’ll hold her in place, you hit her until she confesses her sins!”

Chris grimly approached the waitress. “It doesn’t have to go down this way. Just tell us where you’re hiding the syrup.”

“You know…”Dan interrupted, placing a hand on Chris’s arm. A hand which he quickly pulled back staring at the sticky residue that had just affixed itself to his palm. “One would imagine you’d just let someone else serve us at some point.” he said, looking at the restrained waitress.

Tears began streaming from the waitresses face as fear gripped her. “I…I’m trying to wreak petty vengeance on you all by being a”--The waitress sniffed loudly--"baaaaaad server!”

Dan paused. “OK, now I sorta feel like you’ve brought this upon yourself. Go ahead and hit her Chris.”

“DAN! CHRIS! PINKIE! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!?” Elise called from the entrance, trying to process the sticky scene of violence she had just interrupted.

“Hiya, Elise!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, her head twitching slightly and teeth grinding for a split second. “Chris and I are tied and were about to interrogate this syrup stasher so we can have a game winning match! Wanna help?” Pinkie asked, her head jerking to the side slightly.

“DAN! What did you do!?” Elise asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Me!” Dan said in a hurt tone. “I didn’t do anything! I just sat in judgment of them.”

“That doesn’t sound very helpful, Dan!” Elise countered.

“Wha… I was very helpful!” Dan contended. “Wait, did I said ‘judgment’? I meant ‘judged’! As in ‘I helped judge for them’.”

“Pleaeaeaeaease let me go!” The panicked waitress pleaded.

“No more stalling!” Pinkie replied. “Chris, start hitting!”

“But I already told you there isn’t any more syrup!” The waitress insisted.

“Punch her, Chris,” Pinkie insisted forcefully, “Punch her in the face!”

With great speed, Chris pulled back his fist and then there was a flash of movement from behind him as Elise expertly propelled a chop from her hand into the side of his neck.

Chris’s eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed in a heap.

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she released her captive who fell to the ground in a heap of tears. “Not cool, Elise. I can’t compete with an unconscious man.”

Elise raised her hands into tense knives ready to fight her way through another opponent. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired, syrup hyped girl in front of her.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie sighed, grabbed a glass, filled it with orange soda from a nearby soda fountain and poured the contents onto the waitress who screamed in agony. “Your husband owes me a rematch.” She insisted as she walked towards the entrance, casually lobbing the empty glass behind her, causing it to shatter on the floor.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her husband under his arms, and dragged him out.

Dan walked up to the waitress and looked down at her, regarding her. He opened his wallet, pulled out a wrinkled five dollar bill, and dropped it in front of her quivering body with a “You don’t deserve this, but…”

Dan walked off towards the entrance.

…

And then he walked back and retrieved his five dollars. “Yeah, you really don’t deserve this.” He said, returning to the entrance.

Chris pondered this for a second. “You know, Pinkie and I still haven’t had that rematch…”

“No, Chris! You’re still washing syrup out your…”
-
“…hair,” Pinkie said, glancing up at her own pink curls in irritation.

“Hey, I cleaned you off!” Dan insisted.

“Being drenched with a garden hose before I was allowed back in the apartment is not what I’d consider being ‘cleaned off’.”

“But you were all sticky!” Dan whined.

Pinkie sighed, rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms. “NO LENNY’S!”

“Fine!” Dan said with a huff. He turned his head slightly as he heard approaching footsteps. “Hey, they’re…”
_
“… here,” Chris said, knocking on the apartment door.

It flung open. “Chris! Elise!” Pinkie flung her arms around the couple and squeezed tight, her customary greeting.

The two managed weak “Hi, Pinkie.”s through Pinkie’s boa constrictor like grip.

“Oh, I’m so excited to see you two here, are you excited?! Are ya, Are ya, Areya, huh huh! OOH! I haven’t sung you two my new and improved welcome song.”

Elise smiled and raised an eyebrow. “You have songs?”

“I’m pretty sure Pinkie is mostly composed of songs,” Dan said.

“Oh, Dan! Can I sing it?! Can I? Can I? Please~?” Pinkie begged, giving Dan a double barrel shot of puppy dog eyes, dazzling smile, and hands cupped under her chin.

“Knock yourself out,” Dan sighed.

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air, and…

Welcome welcome welcome
I hope you were not robbed!
Welcome welcome welcome
Did you avoid all the snobs?
Welcome welcome welcome
I hope your car stays okay
Welcome welcome welcome
To our apartment toooodaaaaay!

Elise and Chris put on amused expressions.

“Uhhh, thanks?” Chris replied.

“I meant literally,” Dan qualified.

“Dan, did you have something to do with those lyrics?” Elise asked irritably.

Dan gave himself a small grin. “Hehe, yeah…”

“Dan said my original lyrics didn’t properly convey the" -- Pinkie air quoted -- “ ‘horrors’ of living here…Although, his original suggestions were a bit…graphic,” Pinkie explained.

Elise tossed Dan a glance, but opted to avoid lecturing him on his ongoing corruption of his roommate. Pinkie was usually the first to his defense anyhow. “Ready to go?” she asked.

“Sure Elise, just let me get…” Pinkie’s expression shifted to something a little more pensive as if she just noticed Elise “…my bag…” Pinkie slinked off back into the apartment and down into the fort.

Elise frowned, having wished she could have calmly explained her feelings rather than Dan delivering a threat of violence on her behalf.

“DUDE! YOU HAVE A FORT?!” Chris exclaimed excitedly.

“…Did you just ‘dude’ me?” Dan replied with a raised eyebrow.

Pinkie popped out from under the foosball table, pink bag in tow. “Ready!” She said excitedly.

“I can’t believe you two have a fort!” Chris continued.

“Ooh! Would you like to see inside Fort Dan Pie?” Pinkie asked.

“WOULD I?!”

Chris was under the foosball table and out of sight in a matter of seconds. “You guys have a bed, and a TV, AND A CAT!?”

Mr. Mumbles gave a quiet “meow” in response.

Chris reappeared. “This is AWESOME!” He stood up and looked at his wife. “Can WE make a fort?! Please!” Chris grinned widely,showing all his teeth.

Elise fought back the initial response to say 'No' when she saw the excited look on Chris’s face. She rolled her eyes while smiling.

Who knows, it could be fun.

“Alright, honey,” she said, patting Chris’s arm.

Chris gave himself a little “Yay!” and embraced his wife, kissing her on the lips.

“Awww…” Pinkie replied.

“Ulg...” Dan replied, walking towards the stairs. “Can we go? This mushy stuff is hurting my appetite.”

The group made its way to the car, Pinkie bounding the entire way.

“So…Where are we going?” Chris asked from the driver seat. “I’m thinking…”

“Chris, if you say ‘Burgerphile’ I will hurt you,” Elise interrupted.

Chris frowned, “Okay, then how about--?.”

“Chris, if you say 'Lenny’s'I can’t be held responsible for my actions,” Pinkie said.

Chris sighed, “Alright then, what about--?”

“Chris, if you say anything, I’m going to punch you,” Dan stated.

“Any particular reason?” Pinkie asked from the seat next to him.

Dan shrugged. “I just wanted to be included.”

Chris thought for a second. “PizzaOW!” He rubbed his recently punched arm.

Elise thought for a second then responded, “Oh, that gives me an idea! Tomato Garden!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, let’s all get mediocre Italian chain food,” he said grumpily.

Elise turned back to argue with him, but Pinkie interrupted.

“Ooh! What about the Italian place you took me to, Dan! It was super yummy! And we haven’t caused any property damage there or assaulted anyone with food or anything!”

Elise looked at Dan in surprise. “You took her out…and you two didn’t destroy anything…” Elise thought for a second and added, “…Or anybody?”

“Well, Pinkie is still on the fence about meat, so I’ve had to expand my restaurant choices.” Dan insisted.

Elise turned forward in her seat and smiled, it wasn’t like Dan to think of anybody but himself. “Sounds good.”

The four managed to enjoy a fairly normal meal. Aside from Dan irritably describing how to pronounce 'bruschetta' to Chris, and Elise irritably describing what 'linguini' was to Dan.

Normal until…

The waiter placed a black tray with a slip of paper in the center of the table.

Pinkie and Elise looked at it slip of paper then up at each other.

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she reached for her pink bag.

Elise hands tensed as she reached into her own pocket. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired girl in front of her.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

Chris gulped, his eyes moving back and forth between his wife and Pinkie.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie shot up straight, bag and in hand, and announced “Bathroom!”, then dashed away.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her wallet, and deposited a plastic card on top of the black tray.

Pinkie breathed heavily in front of the bathroom mirror, splashing water on her face. She reached into her bag and produced a small compact mirror.

“Hello?” Pinkie asked. “Is anypony there?”

Twilight’s head popped into view. “Pinkie!” she said excitedly. “You would not believe what I discovered looking at those devices! Did you know humans use gold as a conducto…”

“Twilight, I’m sorry. But can you find Rarity for me?” Pinkie looked down for a second. “It’s kind of an emergency.”

Twilight blinked a few times. “Sure Pinkie,” she said with a warm smile. Twilight looked up towards the ceiling as if searching it for something as her horn glowed purple. In a purple flash she was out of sight.

Pinkie sighed. Why does being generous have to be so complicated?

The mirror flashed purple once more, Twilight was back with a white unicorn in an elegant dress, heavy bags under her eyes.

“So, Pinkie, Twilight tells me you need my help?”

“Oh more than ever, Rarity! I need your advice!”

“Of course, darling,” Rarity said. “I’m always happy to help my dear friend, Pinkie Pie.”

Twilight smiled and excused herself back to her work with an “I’ll just leave you two alone…”

“So, tell me! What seems to be the trouble?” Rarity asked with a tired smile.

“Well…You know how I have that wallet that somehow never runs out of money?”

“Hmm, yes, I remember telling you how jealous I was on numerous occasions.”

Pinkie giggled slightly, then exhaled a large volume of air. “Well, I keep on buying everything here for my friends, but even though I have all this money and it’s no trouble, and I really, really, really want to help them, it sounds like it’s actually making them super-duper uncomfortable, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable! I only want to help everybody and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want my help despite it being no trouble from me, so I thought my friend Rarity” -- Pinkie pointed at Rarity through the mirror -- “being the element of generosity could tell me what I need to do!”

Pinkie stopped and took a series of short, shallow breaths.

Rarity smiled a knowing smile. ”Yes, I see exactly how that can be a problem.”

Pinkie perked up. “You DO?! So do you think it might be some weird, human, thing? Because there’s a lot of weird things here. Did you know they all have these giant metal fences to keep in the tiniest dogs ever?”

Rarity held up a hoof, to quiet her friend. “No, Pinkie. I mean, I understand how that could make your friends uncomfortable.”

Pinkie put on a pout, “Really? Because I don’t!”

Rarity tapped a hoof against her chin and thought for a second before she looked up at Pinkie. “Okay, what if the Cakes suddenly decided to let you stay with them rent free? In fact, say they did that and said you no longer needed to work at the bakery or babysit, but they’d still pay you anyways?”

“Well, I…” Pinkie’s eyes went wide as a thought finally clicked in her brain. “I guess I’d feel like I was a charity case to them…”

Rarity nodded with a smile. “Exactly!”

“Thanks Rarity! I need to get going, but…can I ask you one more favor?” Pinkie asked tentatively.

“Of course!”

Pinkie turned her mirror so it was facing that bathroom mirror and held it close. “Could you maybe try to get some more sleep?”

Rarity touched a hoof to the black bags under eyes and stuck her lower lip out, it quivering a bit.

“Pinkie?”

Pinkie turned the mirror back to face her. “Yes, Rarity?”

“I shall excuse myself from my current engagement immediately.” Rarity said with a smile. “Thank you.”

Pinkie smiled wide. “No, thank you, Rarity! Say goodbye to Twilight for me, would ya?”

Rarity nodded, smile still on her face. “Of course.”

Pinkie closed the mirror, put it back into her bag, and then exited the bathroom.

Dan, Chris, and Elise all stood up as Pinkie approached.

“Everything okay?” Elise asked, concerned.

Pinkie gave her friend a quick hug that was reciprocated. “Yeah,” Pinkie answered with a smile. “Everything’s fine.”

The group started walking to the exit.

“So…dessert,” Pinkie began. “I’m thinking ice cream.”

The other three stopped and stared at her.

“Chris is buying,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.

“Wha…why me?” Chris began.

“Second,” Dan said with a huge smile.

“Hey! But…”

“Thirded,” Elise added with a smile to match Dan’s.

Chris sighed.

At least I still get to make a furniture fort.

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Thanks again to MythrilMoth for a massive amount of corrections.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 15 Pinkie Vs. Doberman

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life

Chapter 15 Pinkie Vs. Doberman

Pinkie added a couple of spray canisters to her belt as she looked herself over in the mirror.

She was wearing her white and light red horizontally striped, long sleeved shirt that she had ironed some balloons in place of her cutie mark; some rolled up, cut-off denim shorts; her pink sneakers (which had taken her quite some time to lace up properly with her hands and teeth); and a small assortment of colorful bracelets on her wrists.

In addition, she had added a long length, short sleeved, light blue jacket.

Pinkie sighed.

If only I had a place for my crowbar…

She thought for a second, and went to the kitchen. Digging through the drawers, she pulled out a long chef’s knife in a plastic sheath. She unsheathed the cutting utensil and looked over the deadly looking implement as her reflection stared back at her.

This feels…right…

Though, in a very ‘I’m going to start abducting people from the neighborhood and brutally torture them to death over the course of several days via some sort of random number lottery’ sort of way…

…Yeah, better make this my last resort…

Pinkie placed the knife on a side pocket on her pink laptop bag, then slung the bag over her shoulder.

Alright, I have two cans of mace, a knife, money, and a song.

I’m ready for battle.

Pinkie gulped as she reached for the doorknob to the apartment door.

I’m going to do it!

I’m going to walk to the store and buy some groceries!

Pinkie carefully opened the door and stepped out into the California sun.

The oppressive heat beat down on her as she slowly made her way to the stairs, her normal bounding from place to place replaced with slow, calculated walking.

Her stomach churned as she pushed on, making it to the street and slowly pushing herself beyond the sidewalk to the next block over.

Slowly but surely, she made it block by block. Eventually, she tentatively began singing.

Take care when you're walking down the streets
Because you never know who you just might meet
There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep
And they won't hesitate to give your face a…

“Hey, Pinkie.”

“Eek!”

In a flash, Pinkie had grabbed a mace canister in each hand and gave her potential assailant a double dose of mace.

“…Well good afternoon to you, too.” Dan said, slightly irritated by the pepper shower he was just given.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclamed, excitedly giving her roommate a big hug and rubbing her soft face against his abrasive, unshaved one, noticing something a bit wet and hot against her face…

“Whoops…” Pinkie said as the depth of what she had done set in physically and mentally.

“WHY IS EVERYTHING ON YOUR WORLD MADE OF PAIN!?” Pinkie cried to her roommate through the cheap, hollow core door of their bathroom.

Dan leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Aside from the sound of tortured, painful sobs, and running water, this was the first sound Dan had heard in quite some time.

“You get used to it,” he said, loud enough for Pinkie to hear through the door and over the running shower.

“REALLY?!” Pinkie managed to choke back.

Dan pondered his own pain threshold built up after years of savage beatings and being exposed to debilitating chemicals. “Yeah, really.”

Dan heard the water turn off and waited a few minutes for Pinkie to emerge, curly hair still wet. She had swapped out her striped shirt for a red one with a floral pattern (the striped shirt now needing a good washing unless the wearer wanted to simulate the feeling of having their torso set on fire). Her face was still red and a bit puffy. Her eyes still watered, and there was a pleading look plastered on her face and directed full force in Dan’s direction.

Dan sighed, knowing full well what was coming. “You wanna talk about it?” he mumbled.

Pinkie vigorously shook her head up and down with the same look on her face, spraying the area with water.

Dan wiped a now moist face with his palm and made his way to Fort Dan Pie, crawling in and sitting on his side of the mattress, Pinkie right behind.

“Groceries,” Pinkie said, her shirt slowly getting soaked as water continued to drop down from her hair.

“You want groceries?” Dan said with a raised eyebrow. “We can get groceries.”

“Not ‘we’,”Pinkie corrected, “just ‘me’”.

Dan stared blankly, so Pinkie continued.

“I can’t just sit in the apartment all day and wait for you to come back before I do anything…I need to pony up and do this on my own.”

Dan paused. “... You’re having difficulty walking ten blocks?” he asked as surprise entered his face.

“Dan! This place is ter-ri-fy-ing, I was nearly mugged within a minute of arriving, half the people drive around distracted by their phones, everyone has these big iron gates like they’re trying to keep the Black Knight at bay, and tiny yappy dogs bark at you everywhere you go… except for the one house right before the grocery store! They have this scary looking Doberman that always acts like it wants to tear the throat out of anyone who walks by!”

Dan thought for a second. “Oh that dog? Yeah, he probably does want to tear out your throat…”

“SEE!”

“So that’s what you were doing before you decided my day wasn’t spicy enough? Walking to the store?”

Pinkie nodded.

“And the song?” Dan asked.

Pinkie sighed before she continued, “Well, I have a song for when I’m scared, but it’s more for imagined dangers. Not for the very real danger of being flattened by a soccer mom who's texting dinner plans back and forth with her overweight, alcoholic husband.”

Dan smiled. “You do a really good job of remembering my rants,” he complimented.

Pinkie also smiled. “Why, thank you.”

Dan rubbed his chin and looked up towards the sheet that served as a ceiling. “What if…I shadowed you?”

“…Like a ninja?” Pinkie offered.

“Exactly, I’ll just be a block or two behind, and I can step in in case you need my help.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Oh, you’re the best Dan!” Pinkie leaned in and gave her roommate a big hug.

“…You haven’t washed your face or changed your shirt since we got back, have you.” Pinkie asked, already feeling some warmth return to her face.

“Not as such, no,” Dan admitted.

*One pain filled shower, blow dry, and change of shirt later.*

Pinkie stood ready, decked out as she was when she first began her long excursion to the grocery store, save she was now wearing her pink and darker pink raglan (also, now sporting some small balloons for her cutie mark).

She opened the door and strolled out into the street with far more confidence than she had at her disposal earlier that day.

Dan followed, but kept his distance.

It wasn’t before long that Pinkie broke into song once more.

“Take care when you're walking down the streets”
“Because you never know who you just might meet”

Dan noticed a shadowy figure slip out of an alley behind Pinkie, knife drawn, but for some reason swaying back and forth to the rhythm of Pinkie’s song.

“There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep”
“And they won't hesitate to give your face a beet”

Dan increased his pace as it became apparent Pinkie was in danger.

“Oh, you better watch out when you cross the road”
“'Cause there might be a driver talking on their cell phone”

Dan got far enough to notice a car barreling down the street, and glanced at a driver happily chatting away into his phone, somehow also swaying to Pinkie’s rhythm.

“And even though the law will not condone “
“They may run you over and you'll die alone”

Dan watched in amazement as the car plowed straight into the would-be mugger, who tumbled up over the car and hit the ground with a resounding thud. The car began to fishtail and lose control.

“And that's what I came here to say,”
“That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey..!”

Dan cringed as the car flew past Pinkie, narrowly swerving around the pink haired girl who was now happily trotting to her destination as she sung at full volume.

“Oh you better keep your eyes peeled~”
“'Cause the threats out here are very real~”

Dan flinched as the Car finally stopped via collision with one of the many palm trees lining the street. The hood caving in and the airbag deploying.

“You might find yourself being robbed”
“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

“Buuuut if you wanna make it very far”
“And you wanna be a grocery buying star”
“And you don't know how to drive a car”
“You take a walk but don't forget where you are”

“'Cause now palm trees fill me with a sense of dread”

On cue, the palm tree that just had a rendezvous with the car collapsed, crashing into a spiky, iron fence across the street.

“But I can't let this place get to my head”

Dan noted the startled yelp of a large Dog from the yard that now had the top of the palm tree crushing its fence.

“And I wanna sleep nice and sound in my bed”
“So I better walk a few blocks and buy some bread”

“And that's what I came here to say,”
“That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey!”

“Oh you better keep your eyes peeled”
“'Cause the threats out here are very real”
“You might find yourself being robbed”
“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

Dan watched as the Doberman squeezed through the new opening and began growling then approaching pink haired girl.
Dan quickened his pace once more.

“I SAY, hey, hey, hey!”

In one swift movement, Pinkie placed her hand on the palm tree and jumped, moving her legs sideways to clear the tree.
The large dog jumped after her, but struggled to get over the large, round tree.
Dan held his breath as he slowly approached, Pinkie was almost to the store…

“You better keep your eyes peeled”
“The threats out here are very real”

The Doberman cleared the tree.

“You might find yourself being robbed”

The Doberman got up to Pinkie just in time to have the grocery store door closed on its snout.

“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

It yelped, and pawed its nose, then began to pace in front of the door.

“But if it's my advice you want to take”

Dan sprinted the rest of the way, hoping to distract the dog.

“Go to the store and buy a cake”

Somehow Pinkie was still singing loud enough for him to hear, even through the walls of the store.

“Then dump cayenne pepper all over the place”

“Alright, jerk dog. Let’s dance!” Dan said, not sure how he was going to beat up a large, vicious dog without weapons…
Wait, what?

The dog turned to face Dan with a growl, but the door to the store flung open.

“And throw that sucker into a dogs face!”

The dog turned just in time to see a rapidly approaching pink confectionery cover its vision in frosting, cake, and a bright red powder. It shook its head to remove the bulk of the mass, however frosting had plastered on a large amount of the spicy substance to the dogs face. The dog yelped, feverishly pawed at its nose, and scurried its way past fallen palm tree back into its yard.
Dan’s jaw dropped.

“So if you wanna make it very far”
“And you wanna be a grocery buying star”
“And you don't know how to drive a car”
“You take a walk but don't forget where you are!”

There was a pause, and then clapping as Dan broke out in applause.

Pinkie swayed an arm to the side, and another over her chest, taking a bow.

Dan’s clapping was interrupted by an explosion. The car that had crashed earlier suddenly deciding there simply wasn’t enough fire in the world.

Dan and Pinkie surveyed the mini-scene of carnage that marked Pinkie’s path from apartment to store; Mugger lying in the middle of the street, fiery car, palm tree that had fallen to the other side of the street, crushed fence, and finally, a dog desperately trying to lap up its entire water dish that would probably think twice before it lashed out against its pink haired foe.

“Does this happen every time you sing?” Dan asked, motioning down the street

“Well…usually ponies just join in with me…I don’t really have to worry about being mugged or ran over in Ponyville, so most my songs spread joy and cheer.” Pinkie responded.

“As opposed to the fire and destruction they spread over here?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Terrifying songs for a terrifying place, I guess.”

“Anyhow, that was amazing. We should celebrate with dinner, my treat,” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie mirrored his smile. “I’d like that, but first…would you like to go grocery shopping with me?”

Dan shrugged and said, “Sure,” maintaining his smile.

The two walked into the store, illuminated a flickering orange by the fire that had now spread to the palm tree. The door closed behind them, muffling the sound of fire truck sirens approaching.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life

Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles

Dan sighed as he looked over the mangled mouse in Pinkie’s palms.

To her credit, she obviously wasn’t squeamish about vermin or even dead, mangled ones. To her detriment, she was looking at him with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips. A look he had begun to associate with him having to do some bizarre, asinine task if he wanted his roommate to be more than a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future.

“What is it, now?” Dan said in an exasperated tone, rolling his eyes.

“I…sniff…I opened the door…sob…and I found this…whimper…ma-ma-mouse…” Pinkie choked out.

“…And?” Dan said impatiently.

Pinkie’s lip quivering intensified, “and…sniff sniff…IT’S DEAD! WHOUAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie turned into a fountain of tears.

Dan buried his face in his palm and slowly dragged the hand downward.

Thanks, roomie. Couldn’t have figured that one out without you.

“Well, I can’t resurrect the dead! I mean…not without them becoming twisted versions of their former selves,” Dan replied. He shivered slightly as an unpleasant memory surfaced. “…I’m not sure they’ll ever clean all the blood off the pet cemetery….”

Pinkie regained her composure enough to choke out, “We…sniffle…WE NEED TO HAVE A FUNERAL!” Pinkie began crying once more.

Dan threw his arms to the sides and looked to the sky in a 'seriously?' pose. Yep, bizarre and asinine.

He cupped a hand over Pinkie's mouth and stared into her watery, blue eyes. “Okay, I’m going to remove my hand. And when I do you’re going to calmly explain to me why we’re having a funeral for vermin.” Dan raised the index finger on his other hand and pointed at Pinkie. “Now I want you to focus here, you’ll be graded, and a bad score means you’ll be sleeping in the car for one or more nights.”

Pinkie stifled her sobs and tears somewhat.

“Understand?” Dan asked.

Pinkie solemnly nodded and Dan removed his hands.

“We…we need to have a funeral so the family can move on,” Pinkie answered

Dan sighed. This is probably going to be another explanation about stupid animals in his world being even stupider in than the ones in her world…save Mr. Mumbles, who understs English well enough to read…

“…Also, if the body isn’t laid to rest properly, the mouse’s spirit might seek revenge upon the living,” Pinkie added.

Dan paused. Okay, yeah, that’s actually sort of a pretty good reason…

Dan sighed, “Fine!”

Pinkie’s expression brightened. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Yay!” Pinkie said, taking her roommate in a hard embrace.

In addition to his bones cracking, Dan felt something wet and viscous press against his back.

“Oops…” Pinkie muttered.

Still held tightly in Pinkie’s embrace, Dan fixed her with a ragefull stare, his lips pulled up into a sneer. “Pinkie,” Dan said through gritted teeth, his eye twitching, “did you just squish mouse guts against me?”

Pinkie pensively looked to the side. “Ummm….yes?” she admitted, meeting his angry glare with a nervous smile.

“… Do me a favor and find a box or bag or ANYTHING to keep that thing in and then wash your hands. I’m going to go burn this shirt then take a shower…”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Sure thing, Dan.”

Elise examined a tape measure carefully. “Alright Chris, that should do it.” She clicked a button on the tape measure and the tape slid back with a 'snap!'

Chris smiled standing up and looking over the chairs that had been strategically placed. “You think that’ll do it for the load-bearing structures?”

Elise unfurled a blue and white set of blueprints. “With the couch and loveseat at the ends, yes.”

Chris heard his phone ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it with a, “Hey Dan.”

“Chris, I need you and Elise to come over here,” Dan replied.

“Yeah, we’re kinda too busy for a venge…” Chris’s eyes went wide as he fully processed what Dan asked. “Did you say me and Elise?!”

“No, I said ‘you and Elise’, what you should have said was ‘Elise and I’.” Dan shouted into his phone angrily.

Elise rolled the blue prints up and looked up at her husband.

“Okay…well, why does your scheme include both of us?” Chris continued.

Dan sighed, “It’s not a scheme. We need attendees.”

“We?” Chris asked. “As in ‘you and Pinkie’?”

Elise smiled. Oh good. If Pinkie's involved it probably means something a bit tamer than Dan's usual rampage. And even if it is a vengeance run, Pinkie should keep acts of violence to a minimum... Elise paused as she dwelled on this more. Though, we may be looking at more property damage...

Dan sighed louder this time, “Yes, she and me.”

Chris smiled smugly, “I think you mean, ‘She and I’, Dan.”

“No one likes a grammar Nazi, Chris,” Dan responded.

It was Chris’s turn to sigh. Is it too much to ask I win won argument with Dan? “Attendees for what? Pinkie throwing another party?”

“Actually, she’s throwing a funeral.”

Chris looked concern. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Who died?”

Elise’s expression also changed to one of concern.

Dan said something inaudible into the phone.

“What?”

“A mouse.”

Chris paused, then started laughing. “Dan…chuckle…we’re not attending a funeral for a mouse.”

Elise, likewise, broke into laughter.

Dan put on a wicked smile and handed the phone to Pinkie Pie. “They seem…reluctant.”

In an instant, Pinkie snatched the phone. “Oh Chris! You two have to come! You just have to!”

“Pinkie? I…”

“Because if you two don’t come the mouse might not be at peace, and if he’s not at peace, then his whole family might not be at peace!”

“I don’t think…”

“And if they’re not at peace, they may become distraught with grief! And if they become distraught with grief, they may commit mass suicide!”

“Mice don’t…”

“And if we don’t have funerals for them, then their extended family might become distraught and that means more mice suicides! And then there will be dozens, hundreds, thousands of mice that need funerals and if they don’t get them they’ll never be at peace, and all those mice who can’t rest will rise up and then we’ll have an army of zombie mice seeking revenge upon the living for ignoring them and then we’ll need funerals!”

Chris sighed as he replied to Pinkie, “Alright, we’ll be there…A funeral wreath? Uh-huh. Okay…Yes, we’ll dress up. See you soon…” Chris terminated the call.

Elise was grinning from ear to ear. “He put Pinkie on the phone, didn’t he?”

Chris looked up towards the ceiling with a frustrated grimace, hands balled into fists at the end of extended forearms. “You just can’t say ‘no’ to her!” Chris’s face went serious for a second, “Her logic is impeccable!”

“Mouse funeral?” Elise said, trying to stifle more laughter.

Chris hung his head. “…Yeah.”

Elise put a hand on her husband’s arm. “I’ll get your suit…hehe…”

Knock, knock

Dan opened the doo., “Chris! Elise! Come in, I only wish we could meet under better circumstances.” Dan motioned for his guests to come in. He was wearing most of his Mr. Moneybags outfit, opting to leave out the mustachio and top hat for this somber occasion.

“We saw each other, yesterday, Dan,” Elise said flatly.

Chris came in, dragging a large funeral wreath in with him.

Elise followed, holding a bouquet of white lilies. She had opted to dress in her black dress and even went so far as to wear a black veil.

The small group stood in front of the still erect ‘Fort Dan Pie.’

“Hey Dan,” Chris began, “I hope…”

Chris and Elise stopped and stared at Pinkie. She was holding a shoebox that she had obviously decorated herself given all the colorful stickers, bedazzle jewels, and glitter pen messages of 'We’ll miss you!' with the ‘i’s dotted with hearts.

What was strange was that she was wearing jeans and one of Dan’s black 'JERK' t-shirts.

“I don’t own anything black…” Pinkie explained.

Elise tried to stifle a laugh and turned to Dan. She handed him a CD case. “Here, I thought this would be appropriate music for the deceased.”

Dan looked down at the 'deadmau5' album, then looked up, lowering his eyelids slightly, “You bought this on the way here, didn’t you?”

Elise lips pulled up into a smile desperately trying to hold back laughter. “Totally.”

“Funeral music is no joke, Elise. You should respect the dead.”

“Dan,” Chris began, “you played ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ at your grandma’s funeral.”

“Which old witch?” Pinkie asked.

“The wicked witch!” Dan answered.

Elise couldn’t take it anymore, she burst into fits of laughter, doubling up on herself.

Pinkie frowned. “Elise! This is serious.”

Elise looked up, smile still plastered on her face, and put a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry…they’re…hehe…laughs of…pffffft…sorrow…bwahahahahahaha!”

“Oh,” Pinkie responded. She attempted laughter but it came out as a flat “Ha ha ha ha ha ha…” She paused before saying “...Yeah, that just feels icky to me.”

Dan put a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “Would you like us to say some words for the departed.” He asked with a sympathetic look on his face.

Pinkie smiled warmly at him, “That would be very nice, Dan.” Tears began to form behind her eyes. “Thank you,” she squeaked out.

Dan nodded. “Elise? You’re up.”

Elise immediately ceased her laughing. “Me?! Why me?!”

Dan grinned a malevolent smile. “You’re clearly the most griefstricken of us.”

Pinkie nodded in agreement. “That was the most 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard!" Pinkie thought for a moment. "...Also the only 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard.”

Elise nervously looked from side to side. “Uh…Mousy was a good mouse…always running…great at avoiding carving knifes… he lived a nice, full life of eating cheese before it was cut short by…cut short by…”

“Mr. Mumbles eviscerated him and left him at our doorstep,” informed Dan.

“Yeah…that.” Elise said, pointing an index finger into open air.

“How did you know his name was ‘Mousy’?!” Pinkie asked, wide eyed.

“Just a hunch!” Elise said, nervously grinning.

“Alright, Chris. You’re up.” Dan said.

Chris put a fist up to his mouth and cleared his throat, “Friends and loved ones of the deceased, we are gathered here today not only to say goodbye to our dear, dear friend, but to come together and honor the memory of one who enriched our lives with their very prese…”

“LAAAAAAAAAAAME!” Dan interrupted.

“Dan! I worked very hard on that, and…”

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Would you like to say some words?”

“Hey!” Chris protested.

Pinkie nodded. “Mousy? I know you can hear me as your wrathful spirit is no doubt floating about, plotting it’s terrible vengeance on Dan’s cat. But we want to remember you as the quiet little mouse that you were. And although we know you desperately would like to remain on the mortal coil, Dan has informed me that he totally knows the number of The Real Ghostbusters. And I’ve watched the documentaries…" Pinkie paused before adding, "They’ve taken out a Sumerian god!" in an impressed sounding tone. "So please accept this offering of flowers and be at peace.”

Elise collapsed to the floor as hysterical laughter escaped her mouth.

Pinkie sighed. “It’s OK Elise, we’ll make it through this together,” she said resolutely.

Pinkie looked at her roommate. “Dan?”

To Chris’s surprise, Dan produced a worn Bible and opened it up to a bookmarked page.

Elise stood up and quietly observed.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Dan began, in a dramatic tone.
“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.” Dan motioned with a flat, even palm.
“He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.” Dan clutched a hand to his heart and looked up to the ceiling.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Dan shook a fist within inches of his determined looking face.
“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:”—Dan’s fist shaking intensified—“thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” Dan opened his fist as his head bowed slightly
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” Dan closed his Bible and added a small “Amen” which Chris and Elise echoed.

Pinkie was crying. “That was…sooo beautiful!” she said.

The four went silent.

“So ummm…What do we do with the box?” Chris asked.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances.

Pinkie’s face flushed with embarrassment. “We uh…didn’t think about that…” she admitted.

There was the sound of scratching at the door.

“Meow.”

Dan opened the door to reveal Mr. Mumbles, a small, brown, dead, mangled bird sitting next to her.

Dan, Chris, and Elise’s faces went pale and they slowly turned to look at Pinkie.

Box still in hand, Pinkie slumped her shoulders and looked down.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over to her.

“Meow?” She turned on her back exposing her belly.

Pinkie slowly passed the colorful shoebox to Dan.

“I give up.” Pinkie announced quietly, bending down to scratch Mr. Mumbles’s belly.

“Whoa, really?” Dan asked. “Just like that?”

Pinkie nodded. “I’m afraid even I don’t have the energy to hold a funeral for every animal Mr. Mumbles sends to the afterlife.” Pinkie continued scratching Mr. Mumbles, “She’s just sooo cute! Oh whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosacutiekittymurdermachine? Oh yes you are, yes you are,”—Pinkie shifted from cute baby noises to full on screaming.—“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“What about…” Chris motioned with his head to the dead bird.

Pinkie sighed, “Dan could you throw the bird in with the mouse?”

“Uhh…sure.” Dan eyed the mangled bird pensively.

Elise rolled her eyes, grabbed the bird by a wing. She swiftly opened the box, placed the corpse inside, and closed the box after it.

Dan smiled. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!” he said, opening the door to the apartment and walking outside.

“Where you taking it?” Pinkie asked.

“Dumpster!” Dan called back.

Elise and Chris turned to Pinkie.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Elise asked.

Pinkie glanced up, a side of her lip pulling up as well. “Eh,” was all she had to offer. Pinkie looked back at her two friends with a smile. “Now who wants cake?”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “You have cake?! Why didn’t you say so in the first place?!”

Pinkie lightly scratched at her face with her index finger. “Sorry. Must have slipped my mind.”

Pinkie opened the fridge to reveal the whole thing was filled with baked goods.

Chris dropped to his knees and slowly extended his palms out. Everything looked delicious. Even by non-Chris standards.

“Pinkie, where did all this come from?”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. “I’ve kinda been on a baking frenzy ever since I started grocery shopping…”

Pinkie grabbed a multi-layered chocolate cake and handed it to Chris who eyed it with glee.

“Dessert time?” Dan asked, walking towards the sink and washing his hands.

Pinkie strategically searched the fridge, pulling out a colorful cupcake and handing it to Dan. “Yepper!” she replied.

Dan gleefully took it and dug in as Elise washed her hands.

“You think the bird will seek vengeance on us?” Pinkie asked, grabbing plates from a cupboard.

Dan shrugged, “doon worrry ‘bout it.” He said through a mouthful of cupcake.

The night was still. Like a predator in the darkness of a deep forest, quietly waiting for the perfect moment to strike unsuspecting prey.

Slowly, the lid to the dumpster began to rise. Beady red eyes flashed in the darkness. A tattered wing slinked out from the shadows, and raised the lid more.

Slowly, the eyes moved forward into the moonlight, a small, yellow beak broke through shadow, followed by the rest of the tattered face of the once living bird. Half of its face was simply black blood caked onto a skull.

“Cheep, Cheep!” It cried to the night.

It would not dwell in that box of dead, squashed mouse. Nor would this stinking land of garbage be its tomb.

It would have revenge.

It would feast on…

“Cheeeeeeeeeeeeep!” The undead bird uttered a startled cry as a liquid sprayed out and made contact, the substance causing its very body to smoke and fall away. It stumbled back into its refuse sarcophagus and fell dead...er as the liquid ate away at its body.

Dan moved the squirt gun towards his lips and blew on the barrel.

“Holy water, huh?” Pinkie asked.

Dan twirled the gun in his and holstered it in his jeans waistband in a swift movement. “Yep.”

“Neato!” Pinkie said. “Teach me?” she asked with a hopeful smile.

“Do you think you can bless salt in the name of the Father Almighty, recite a psalms’s worth of scripture, exorcise creatures of water by invoking a prayer of Solomon, and buy bottled water despite the fact that tap water is perfectly safe to drink and is practically free?” Dan asked.

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “I have no idea!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Well, let’s find out," Dan said as the roommates turned and started walking back towards their apartment.

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Thanks to MythrilMoth for his continual boatload of corrections on these early chapters.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 17 Dan Vs. Friendship (is Magic)

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life

Chapter 17 Dan Vs. Friendship (is Magic)

Spoiler Alert: I start referencing events from the IDW comics at some point this chapter (the first 8 issues, that is).

Not sure if this is a big deal to anyone, but skip over the section marked IDW if you want to read the comics and be surprised, still.

Pinkie sat cross-legged on her side of Fort Dan Pie, decked out in a white button-up shirt, black vest, cutoff jean shorts, rainbow colored leg warmers, and a random assortment of bracelets.

She still had been unable to turn on her computer or phone. The two devices were set in front of her. In her hands, she held her compact mirror.

Twilight had gathered her other friends, hoping she could finally coax a response from the device's, and also hoping the devices would reveal clues as to what happened on that fateful day when Pinkie Pie got sent to another world.

“Twilight, I’m not really sure this is a good idea…” Applejack said.

“Trust me!” Twilight insisted. “After examining the devices in great detail…”

“Too great if you ask me…” Spike commented.

Twilight quickly fixed the baby dragon with a stare, then continued, “…I realized what was missing was energy.”

“Yeah, but…shootin’ it at the mechanical-doohickeys?” Applejack countered with a cocked eyebrow. “None of that sounds right…or safe, even.”

“I trust you, Twilight,” Pinkie responded with a smile.

“Me too!” Rainbow Dash chimed in enthusiastically. “If anyone can figure this out, it’s Princess Egghead.” She added with a grin.

Rarity also voiced her concerns. “Twilight, are you really sure this won’t hurt the devices?”

Fluttershy said nothing and stood a bit back from the group, not comfortable with the idea of firing energy across dimensions.

“Well, I determined both devices have many similarities. And a big similarity between them is how they’re powered. Both contain a plastic rectangular piece that takes up a sizable fraction of the devices total size and mass.”

Pinkie’s smile dropped and her eyes went wide, staring off into space.

She’s doing it again!

“By examining these rectangular pieces, I determined that, inside the plastic, they’re both an advanced type of battery that stores power which supplies all the device's myriad functions! Both audio, visual, and even allowing the devices to receive inputs via different stimuli!”

Why?!

“Another commonality between the pieces, is both of them currently have no energy. Clearly these devices can’t function without energy! So by giving them a jolt directed towards the batteries..”

Make it stop!

“…I think that should store enough energy that…energy that…”

Twilight had stopped talking.

Finally!

“Uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash said with a of a forehoof, trying to get her friend’s attention.

Pinkie looked back at the mirror and noticed her friends were no longer looking at her, but a space a few feet above her. She followed their eyes until she locked her own against Dan’s.

Pinkie quickly closed the mirror and attempted to hide it behind her back. “Hiiii, Dan…” Pinkie said nervously. “Didn’t hear you come in…or lift the ceiling off the fort…”

Dan’s eyes narrowed and he motioned to the item behind her back. “Is that how you talk to your pony friends back home?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Pinkie uttered nervously as she lokked from side to side.

Think of something convincing to say…

“… Yeah...,” Pinkie admitted.

Dangit!

Dan dramatically extended his hand. “GIVE THEM TO ME!” he demanded. “So that I may pass judgment on them!”

Pinkie sighed heavily and handed over the closed compact mirror.

Well, it was bound to happen eventually... still. It would have been nice for it to be…any situation but this.

Poor Fluttershy…

Dan opened the mirror and looked over his six victims.

His victims warily eyed him back, not sure what to expect.

Dan wasted no time. “Too purple…”

Twilight furrowed her brow.

“Too kindergarten art project…”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested.

“Too prissy…”

Rarity made a quiet “Humph!” and lifted her muzzle into the air in disapproval.

“A cowboy pony? Seriously?”

“Now listen here, pardner--!” Applejack began.

Dan interrupted her, “I don’t even know what the heck that’s supposed to be!” Dan said pointing at Spike.

“Aw, man...” Spike said as he hung his head.

Dan spotted the quivering mass of yellow and pink: Fluttershy desperately trying to make herself as small as possible.

“Too…”

Fluttershy looked up, with big, scared eyes, fearing the worse.

“Too…” Dan locked eyes with her and his mouth hung open as his pupils went wide. “…perfect,” he finished.

Fluttershy’s look of terror slowly shifted to a soft smile.

Everypony else’s offended look shifted towards surprise, Pinkie’s as well.

“Well…Dan,” Twilight began, “this has been…interesting…but if you’ll excuse us we have science to do and…”

Dan looked at Pinkie. “Having trouble?” He asked as he motioned out towards the phone and computer.

“Twilight thinks if she fires energy at them, we can finally turn them on,” Pinkie explained.

Dan looked back at the purple alicorn in surprise. “You’re going to shoot lightning at them?!”

“Well…just a little…” Twilight admitted sheepishly.

“You’re not very bright, are you Twilight?” Dan said flatly.

Everypony/one else put on shocked expressions. Twilight had been called many things in her life, but having her intelligence called into question had never happened to her before.

Dan pointed at Pinkie’s pink laptop bag and motioned with his head for his roommate to fetch it for him.

Pinkie wordlessly obeyed and held the bag up for him.

Dan held the mirror in one hand, and rummaged through the bag with the other; Pinkie continuing to hold the bag up for him. He pulled out a bunch of noise makers, balloons, and streamers. “More party supplies?”

Pinkie managed a weak smile. “Those are my emergency party supplies.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “I thought those were in your pockets?”

“Those are my backup emergency party supplies,” Pinkie corrected.

Dan sighed and dug deeper, fishing out a few black cords attached to small rectangular objects with metal prongs sticking out.

He held the cords up for the ponies (and dragon) on the other side of the mirror to see. “Did you think about plugging them in?”

“Oops…” Pinkie muttered. “…I forgot about those…”

Twilight flushed with embarrassment and put on a nervous grin. Of course Dan would know how to use the devices! They’re from his world!

“Besides,” Dan continued, “if you needed to give them power, why wouldn’t you just take the batteries out first and just shoot those?” Dan asked.

Twilight smacked a hoof against her face as Rainbow Dash snickered to herself.

Dan motioned for Pinkie to hand him the two devices. Pinkie set the bag down and obediently complied, taking the mirror as Dan handed it to her.

Dan replaced the roof of the fort and walked off.

“Sorry Twilight! I completely forgot those were in there,” Pinkie said apologetically.

“It’s okay Pinkie. It looks like it worked out anyways…Besides,” Twilight said, still with an embarrassed smile, “this is probably safer.”

Dan crawled into the fort, holding the computer, a black cord attached to it. “Your phone is charging,” he explained.

He handed the computer to Pinkie who handed him back the mirror.

Eagerly, Pinkie opened the laptop and pushed the power button.

“Hey Dan…” Twilight called out.

Dan looked down at the mirror.

“Thank you,” Twilight said earnestly.

Dan merely shrugged.

Pinkie made an excited “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” before her face shifted to a more neutral look. “Oh a…password.”

“A password?” Twilight asked. “Let us see.”

Dan held a finger up and waved it back and forth. “Not now, purple horse. The people are working,” he said with a mischievous grin.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. How does Pinkie put up with this guy?

Spike seemed to be on the same wavelength. “Can you believe this guy?” he asked no one in particular.

Pinkie looked at her screen, a pink cloud with brown rain falling down from it. Next to the picture read “ChAoS”.

“Hmmm…” Pinkie thought for a minute and began typing.

“Ulg,” Dan uttered, dragging his hand over half his face. “You type like you’ve only had fingers for a few weeks.” Dan said irritably.

“I’ve only had fingers for a few weeks!” Pinkie countered with narrowed eyes.

“Oh…right. Here…” Dan set down the mirror on the mattress.

“Hey!” Twilight said, the view on the mirror shifting from Dan to a random assortment of pillows.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, “Whisper to me what you were failing to type.”

Pinkie whispered into Dan’s ear and he slowly typed 'ChOcOlAtE rAiN'. He hit enter and the computer’s screen shifted to a picture of a couple of daisies against a blue background.

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen. “See, ‘Too purple’? The people got it covered.”

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. “Great, now let’s try to find some clues!”

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password. “Clues, eh…well…”

Dan placed a hand on his roommate's face and pushed her out of the way. “Clues, shmues. Let’s fire up the internet on this baby.” Dan said grinning, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

“Oh! Good thinking Dan. I could never quite figure that out when I went to a world with humans,” Twilight said excitedly.

“Uh…inter-nest?” Applejack asked.

“No, internet. Humans have collected all their knowledge onto the internet and they use computers to access it. Maybe there’s some information we can find there to help Pinkie.” Twilight said in a very enthusiastic tone.

“Oh, there’s information, all right.” Dan said, moving his finger on the touchpad and clicking a few things. “Hmmmm…”

Pinkie picked herself up and looked at the screen. “Another password?”

Dan sighed, “Pinkie, you’re still going to end up a statistic here if I have to explain every little thing to you!”

Pinkie’s expression changed to a pout.

“Our landlord has the Wi-Fi password, wait here, I’ll…”

Pinkie sat up resolutely, accidentally nudging Dan’s makeshift coffee table that served as part of the fort wall on the way up. The two paused as the pillow walls around them vibrated slightly before settling.

Pinkie looked at Dan, determination having set root on her face. “No, Dan. I’ll get it!” Pinkie said, motioning to herself with her thumb. “You’re right! If I can’t figure any of this out on my own, I’ll never get anywhere!” Pinkie’s pupils dilated, then quickly retracted into pin-prick sized dots. “And then I’ll end up in Tijuana, naked in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney!”

“Hey!” Twilight called out. “Just what have you been teaching her about your world, anyhow?!” she demanded.

Dan place a hand on his roommate's shoulder. “Very good, my young Padawan, you’re coming along nicely.”

“Aren’t I?” Pinkie said flashing a toothy smile. She quickly crawled out from under the fort.

Dan grinned evilly and picked up the mirror, once again looking over his victims.

The ponies looked back, expressions ranging from concerned, irritated, and one surprisingly hopeful.

“Oh dear…” Twilight uttered.

“…It’s very interesting to examine another culture that developed in the absence of widespread magic,” Twilight said.

“Uh-huh.” Dan replied in a bored tone.

“Not to mention a third of the population here flies. It’s easy to see why humans would construct many of the devices they have! You’ve all have had so much to overcome!”

“Uh-huh.”

“Humans can’t control the weather, can they? It’s simply remarkable that you’ve all become the dominant species on your planet. We ponies have many natural advantages! So much, in fact, that many of the species in Equestria depend on us for their very survival!

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, but your technology is simply amazing! Even without magic, your species has constructed such marvels! Who would have thought that combining aluminum, silicon, iron, nickel, gold…”

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!” Dan yelled at the mirror.

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked, her train of thought thoroughly derailed.

“Hey, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash called from the side. “Tag up!”

“Tag up?” Twilight responded in a confused tone.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said with a determined grin, holding a hoof out. “Let me handle this jerk! I’ve got a bone to pick with him!”

Dan chuckled. “Let her in the ring, Sparkler. I can use a good laugh,” he said as he clenched a fist to crack his knuckles.

Twilight skeptically looked back and forth between Dan and Rainbow Dash, then tapped the blue pegasus’s hoof. “I hope you know what you’re doing…”

Rainbow Dash positioned herself in front of the mirror. “Alright, Dan! Let’s make one thing perfectly clear! If you hurt Pinkie in anyway, we’ll turn your world into a world of hurt!”

Dan stifled a yawn, “Nice one, though I think you’re someone--”

“Pony!” Rainbow Dash corrected.

“--someone who would benefit from a thesaurus. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything through that mirror,” Dan added smugly.

“Twilight can fire lightning through it,” Dash responded in a smugger tone.

Dan pondered this new thought. “Touché. Not that it matters, of course.” Dan closed his eyes and motioned a hand towards himself, “I’ve been a perfect gentleman to the lady.”

“Like the time you burned her photo album in front of her?” Dash countered.

Dan winced. He wasn’t aware Pinkie had told her friends that much, but then again, they were her best friends…

“I made her a new one!” he insisted as he flung out his free hand.

Rainbow Dash smiled, Dan having walked right into her trap. “Yeah, I saw it. Did you practice at being that girly, or did it come naturally?”

Dan smirked. “Tough talk for a walking nursery school art project.”

Rainbow Dash frowned and narrowed her eyes somewhat. “Hey! I’m the awesomest looking pony in Equestria, ask anypony!”

“Any pony between the ages of 3 and 11, you mean?” Dan said as his devilish smile widened.

Rainbow Dash considered the average age of the members of her fan-club for a second. “Well I…That is…”

“Awww, come on, Skittles! You were doing so well!” Dan said, his smile continuing to widen.

Rainbow Dash’s face contorted to one of anger and confusion. Alright, I may not know what 'Skittles' are, but I know when somepony is being a jerk to me! “Why, I oughta…”

“Whatcha two talking about?” Pinkie asked as she crawled back into the fort.

“I was just telling your friend that she’s a real work of art,” Dan answered, smile still plastered on his face.

A frustrated sounding “GHA!” escaped from Rainbow Dash.

“Awww,” Pinkie began as she looked at the mirror, “I told you he could be sweet!”

“Sweet is not the word I’d use!”

“Oooo! How about lovable? Or adorable?! Charming? Delightful...?”

“See ‘Art Project’? Thesaurus.” Dan said, motioning towards Pinkie with his free hand.

“Aww, he even has a cute nickname for you and everything!” Pinkie observed.

Rainbow Dash held her hooves up in an expression of wanting to strangle someone as she made angry gurgling sounds.

“Tag up, partner.” Applejack called from the side, holding an orange hoof out.

Rainbow Dash sighed, hung her head, and gave Applejack’s hoof a tap.

**

Applejack stared intently into the abyss. The abyss, in this case, being Dan, who was indeed staring back.
…
…
The two continued their epic stare down.
…
…
Staring intensifies.
…
…
Staring intensifies.
…
…
STARING INTENSIFIES
…
…

Blink

“Ha!” Dan said triumphantly. “Five times in a row!”

Applejack scrunched her face to the side as she frowned. “Best six out of eleven.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you were a sadomasochist,” Dan responded.

Applejack narrowed her eyes. "An' just what in tarnation makes you think I enjoy pain?"

Dan chuckled as his eyes widened in surprise slightly. "Heh, cowboy horse knows her vocab. Still, you must be enjoying this savage beating I’m giving you, you keep on coming back for more!”

Applejack made a small “Grrrrrr”, sighed, and looked to her side. “Tag up.”

“Me! Why me?” Rarity asked as Applejack walked out of site of the mirror.

“’Cause it’s your turn.” Applejack said simply, using her head to push the white unicorn into view of the mirror.

“But, well, just look at him! We have nothing in common!”

“Well, they wear clothes over there.” Applejack said. “Just talk about fashion or somethin’.”

Rarity made a disgusted sound as she remembered Dan’s ensemble was little more than jeans and a t-shirt.

“Yeah, prissy. Let’s talk about how pointless it is to make clothes for horses,” Dan said.

“Oh.”
“It…”

“is…”

“ON!”

Pinkie looked up from the computer. “Come on guys, I’m sure you two will get along if you just give each other a chance.” She put on her best puppy-dog face and big smile, “Pleeeeeease?”

Dan and Rarity both sighed out an, “Alright…”

*But then…*

“I can’t believe that black rag you wear passes as fashion,” Rarity said

“At least it makes sense that we wear clothes! You all have hair covered bodies, and can control the weather! How can” – Dan air quoted with his free hand — “‘making clothes’ even be a real job over there?!” demanded Dan.

Rarity turned her nose up. “Well someponies simply want to look nice. Why, a well-made suit, a dress, or a fashionable saddle can…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa…whoa! You hay brained horses make saddles?! Why?!”

“Well, they’re fashionable, of course!”

“No!” Dan declared, holding up a resolute index finger. “I’m putting my foot down on this one! You put a saddle on something you’re going to ride!.. You all don’t…ride each other, do you?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What? No! Don’t be absurd!”

“I ride them, sometimes…” Spike said from the side.

Rarity shushed him. “Shhhh... Spike, you’re not helping.”

“Oops, sorry.” Spike replied.

*And then…*

“What did you say about my hair?!” Rarity demanded, her voice firing off into the highest of octaves.

Dan leveled a finger at Rarity. “So you’re telling me, you didn’t get it stuck in an egg beater?”

“I most certainly did not! Hair this magnificent takes time!”

“…Maybe it would go faster if you tried the egg beater…” Suggested Dan, shrugging slightly and glancing to the side.

Rarity glared at the mirror with a puffy red face. “At least my hair doesn’t look like it was sabotaged by an irate barber!”

Dan frowned. “Hey! My hair was sabotaged by an irate barber!”

“Oh…well…I guess it looks…tolerable, if you consider that,” Rarity replied.

“Dan,” Pinkie interrupted, “You told me that happened ages ago.”

Rarity chuckled to herself.

“Pinkie! You’re not helping!” Dan said through clenched teeth.

“Oops, sorry.” Pinkie replied, “…Wait…WHY am I helping you insult my friends?” Pinkie asked was she raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not insulting her!” Dan insisted. “I’m offering constructive criticism on her horrible life choices and terrible hair,” Dan said informatively.

“Hmmmm…quite,” Rarity responded. “Just like if I explained to Dan that his teeth are a simply a ghastly shade of yellow,” Rarity said.

“Hey!” Dan said angrily.

“You could stand to brush more often,” Pinkie offered. “…Or at all…”

Dan furrowed his brow angrily. “Well…Prissy’s hair looks like she thinks springs are in fashion.” Dan said, angrily motioning to the white unicorn in the mirror.

“Hmph!” Rarity said, sticking her muzzle up in disapproval for about the dozenth time that day.

“Rarity, your hair and tail does sort of look like purple springs,” Pinkie said.

“Just whose side are you on, anyway?” Rarity demanded, her voice going shrill again.

Pinkie widened her eyes in a 'Who me?' expression as she pointed to herself. “Side! I’m not on anyone’s side.”

“Ha!” Dan cried triumphantly. “You said ‘anyone!’, you could have said, ‘anypony’!”

“Yes, but she said ‘not on anyone’s side’,” Rarity disputed.

Pinkie buried her head in both palms.

Trying to figure out this computer is frustrating enough, but these two are giving me a headache!

“Tag up, please!”

Rarity followed the voice to a yellow pegasus holding out a forehoof. Rarity eyed Fluttershy with concern. “Are you sure? You don’t have to speak to this ruffian.”

“Purple springed Prude!” Dan called out.

“Why you uncouth…uncivilized…beast of a…”

Fluttershy waved her hoof about, trying to regain Rarity’s attention.

Rarity breathed a calming sigh, “Oh, very well.” She tapped Fluttershy’s hoof. “Don’t let him get to you, Fluttershy!” Rarity whispered resolutely, “We’re here to back you up if you need it.”

“Aaah, he just needs to be shown a little kindness, is all.” Fluttershy insisted.

“More like a muzzle…” Rarity muttered, walking away.

“Hey Shutterfly.” Dan said, his voice immediately mellowing out to a kinder tone.

Fluttershy nodded slightly, “Fluttershy.” She corrected.

“Oh. Sorry.” Dan said.

Pinkie looked back up.

Did…

Did Dan just apologize?!

And MEAN it?!

“What’s wrong, Dan?” Fluttershy began. “Having trouble making friends?”

Dan pouted and looked to the side. “I don’t need any friends.”

“Now, Dan,” Fluttershy continued, “I’m sure if you gave everypony a chance, you’ll have lots of new friends in no time.”

“No!” Dan insisted, “I don’t want to be their friends, they’re all too bright looking, and weird!”

“Dan,” Fluttershy said with a warm smile, “now you know you look pretty strange to them, as well…”

Dan looked down at himself and waved his free hand in front of his eyes. “Yeah, I guess…” he admitted quietly

“And Pinkie dresses in bright clothing, and you’re still her friend, right?” Fluttershy said hopefully.

Pinkie glanced up.

Dan met her sky-blue eyes with his green-emerald ones. “…Yeah, she’s alright…” Dan offered weakly.

Pinkie beamed.

“Ohmygosh!” Rainbow Dash said to her friends. “Are they actually getting along?!” she exclaimed in disbelief.

“It’s gotta be a trap, y’all see!” Applejack said, her face displaying her suspicion.

“I don’t know, girls,” Twilight said. “Maybe Fluttershy has the right approach…she did singlehandedly reform a chaos god…mostly…”

“Hmph,” Rarity interjected. “I give it five minutes before that barbarian is screaming at her.”

*But then…*

“…I just think you need to open your heart more. Let more ponies…I mean, people inside,” Fluttershy said.

“Right, so more people know my weaknesses!” Dan said in sullen tone.

“Well, yes. Trusting people means letting them closer to you, but I think if you give more people a chance, you’ll find the rewards outweigh the risks,” Fluttershy said kindly.

Dan looked back at Fluttershy with concern. “Are you ever afraid you trust some people…I mean, ponies too much?”

“…um…er…” Fluttershy nervously looked from side to side. “…well…sometimes,” Fluttershy admitted softly.

“Do…do you want to talk about it?” Dan asked.

*And then…*

“I’m telling you, that’s exactly how an abusive relationship works,” Dan countered.

“Oh no!” Fluttershy insisted. “He’s just a little rough around the edges. I know if I keep showing him kindness, he’ll…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Dan asserted with wide eyes. “He’s clearly taking advantage of your giving nature at this point! You need to put your foot down around this guy!” He said as he pointed an assertive finger at Fluttershy.

“Oh no! I can’t do that!” Fluttershy said, taken aback. “If he feels threatened, he hides and stops eating. He requires a delicate…”

“Delicate!? Listen to yourself, these are all textbook strategies an abuser does to keep someone in a toxic relationship,” Dan explained. “If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’re going to be trapped in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship with this guy forever!”

“Well erm…ummm…yeah…you’re probably right…” Fluttershy said meekly. Something to the side quickly caught her eye. “What…but we…sigh…oh, alright…Bye Dan. I really enjoyed talking to you,” Fluttershy said with a weak smile.

“Yeah, me too.” Dan said as he mirrored the smile.

Fluttershy walked off and was quickly replaced with a small, white bunny who glared at Dan. Angel lifted a paw and flicked it under his chin a few times in Dan’s direction.

Dan shared a digit with the little bunny. “Right here, buddy,” he responded.

“ANGEL! I SAW THAT!”

Angel looked to the side, and began frantically pointing at Dan.

“I don’t care what he did!” Fluttershy angrily trotted back into view, and grabbed Angel’s tail in her mouth. She dragged him off to the side as Angel desperately tried to snatch at the stone floor. “I know a nauwghty little buwnny whose spending the nex few houwrs in his twawveling case.” Fluttershy responded through teeth clenched around fur.

Angel began frantically squeaking, and even cried a bit.

“Fwine, don’t eat. We’ll jusf see how long that lasts…” Fluttershy dragged the bunny out of sight.

The other four ponies walked into view.

Dan glared at them. “What?” he asked gruffly.

To Dan’s surprise, the four began clapping their hooves together.

Pinkie, likewise, clapped her hands with a smile.

“Uhh…thanks,” Dan said, rubbing the back of his head.

Twilight smiled and looked to the side. “Spike? You’re up.”

“Do I have to?” Spike whined.

“Spike, give him a chance,” Twilight insisted.

Spike walked over with a reluctant sounding “Oh, all right…”

The other four mares walked off again.

Dan looked over Spike quizzically. “So, are you some sort of lizard-person second class citizen?” he asked.

“I’ll have you know that I’m a fire-breathing dragon!” Spike stated.

Dan perked up. “Fire breathing? Show me.”

Spike narrowed his eyes, pointed his face upwards, and blew a sizeable stream of green flames into the air.

Dan paused. “…THAT IS AWESOME!”

Spike looked back at Dan with a grin.

“Sorry…Spike, was it? I think we got off on the wrong foot…hoof.”

“I have feet!” Spike declared.

“See! We’re not so different. We both have feet…we both like fire.”

Spike chuckle., “So…Dan! I hear you’re taking care of our girl Pinkie over there.”

“Yeah, she’d be pretty lost without me.” Dan said as he absentmindedly examined his free hand.

Pinkie shot Dan an irritated glance. Okay, that’s true! But he doesn’t have to be so…brutally honest about it!

“Well, on behalf of Equestria, I just want to say just how much we appreciate it.”

Dan waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah…enough about stupid, colorful horse world. Tell me about Spike. It’s gotta be great being able to set things on fire whenever you want.”

“Heh, yeah it is pretty great.” Spike’s expression went serious, “But sometimes I sent things on fire I don’t mean to…”

“So do I!” Dan said as he excitedly motioned to himself. “We’re like…accidental arson bros.”

“Accidental arson bros? I like it!” Spike made a fist and put it up to the mirror. “Put it there, bro!”

Dan smiled knowingly and touched his side with his index finger.

“Alright, tag up!” Twilight called out.

Spike turned to her with a. “Huh? But you said ‘give him a chance’, Twilight.”

“Well now I’m saying ‘tag up’!”

Spike sighed and lowered his head. “Alright…” He looked back up at Dan. “Catch you later, accidental arson bro!” he said as he waved at the mirror.

Dan waved as Twilight walked back into view.

Twilight motioned to her eyes with a hoof, and sternly pointed the same hoof back at Dan.

“What! I was being friendly!” Dan insisted.

“Finding companionship in accidental fiery property damage is not what I had in mind!” Twilight sighed, “Who’s next?”

“Uh…you are,” Applejack informed.

“Me!” Twilight put on a distressed look. “But I already went!”

Applejack shrugged. “Well we’re fresh outta ponies.”

“I’m not a pony!” Spike reminded helpfully.

“Spike! I said, ‘No!’” Twilight reminded.

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out. “Please tell me you’re done with the computer!”

Pinkie looked up, lower lip extended. She shook her head from side to side sadly.

Dan reached over towards the laptop. “Maybe I can hel…”

Pinkie snatched the computer away and bit Dan’s hand.

“Yeouch! Why you little troglodyte! I…”

“We would like a turn…” A regal voice said through the mirror.

Dan turned to see two tall alicorns approach the mirror, Rainbow Dash trailing just a bit behind.

Twilight’s expression changed to equal amounts surprise and concern. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, I’m not sure if this…”

Princess Celestia smiled down at Twilight. “It’s okay, Twilight. Rainbow Dash informed me Dan was rather…lively,” Celestia offered diplomatically.

“Lively!” Twilight exclaimed. “Maybe in the same sense as a giant explosion!”

“Awwww,” Dan said. “You should have started with that, Sparkler! That was a nice compliment.”

Twilight’s eye’s narrowed as she looked back at the mirror. “It wasn’t intended as one.”

“Well, sometimes those are the best compliments of all,” Dan said informatively, raising his index finger.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and lowered her face into a hoof.

Celestia put a reassuring hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

Twilight looked up at the taller alicorn. “Alright, just be careful…”

Celestia smiled warmly. “Not to worry, Twilight.”

Dan smiled wickedly.

“So, Dan, was it? I’m Princess Celestia. Thank you for taking care of one of my dear, dear subjects,” Celestia said earnestly.

“Princess, eh? So I take it there’s a Queen.”

“Oh no,” Celestia said with a smile. “Princess is the highest title in Equestria. ‘Queen’ is a title evil rulers tend to use around here.”

“…What is this, a Disney film?” Dan asked.

Celestia continued to smile. “I’m afraid I don’t understand that reference.”

Dan waved his hand dismissively. “Forget it.” He put back on a wicked, toothy grin. “So, I take it you’re in charge by divine virtue of being the tallest horse?”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh my, no. Size is not how we determine social stature in our world. But I’m guessing from your surroundings it is in yours,” Celestia added mischievously.

Dan uttered a surprised “Ghk.” Wasn't expecting prim and proper tallest horse to put up a fight...

“Alright, ‘tallest horse’, you got some teeth, I’ll give you that.”

“Why, thank you Dan! I’ve worked hard to keep them strong for well over 1,000 years.”

“What are you, stupid? That’s not…”

“You should really work on yours, if you don’t mind me saying. You’ll miss them when they’re gone,” Celestia said with a concerned tone.

Dan paused and tried to figure out if his dental hygiene was called into question, again, or if he had just been threatened.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Oh, you’re good princess…” he said, voice laced with venom.

“Thank you, Dan!”

Dan made a noise of frustration.

“Meow.”

Dan looked over to Mr. Mumbles, her paw extended towards him.

Dan sighed and swatted the paw, lowering the mirror onto a pillow and scooting over.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over in front of the mirror. “Meow.”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh my, no! It’s quite real, I assure you.”

“Meow.”

“It shimmers with my magical…”

“Meow!”

“Heh. I assure you, it’s not a magic wig!”

“Meow, meow?”

Celestia’s smile dropped. “My subjects would treat me exactly the same if…”

“Meow, meow, merow, mew?”

Celestia frowned. “Well, I can’t help how long we alicorns…”

“Meow, meow?”

Celestia made an offended gasp, “I give my subjects all the freedom they need, and….”

“Merowww! Hissss…”

Celestia’s eyes went wide as she processed what she had just said. “But I…no what I meant to say was…”

A dark blue alicorn walked into view. “Tag up, sister?”

Celestia joined the exasperated sigh club, tapped her sister on the shoulder lightly, and walked off.

“Mew?”

Luna blinked. “I um…I’m afraid I don’t speak feline.”

“She doesn’t have anything pleasant to say, anyhow.” Celestia called out.

“Hisss!”

“I heard that!” Celestia shouted.

“…but I would never do anything to poor Fluttershy!” Dan swore. “I mean… I just met you, so the jury’s still out on if I’d set you on fire or not, but…Tell her I’m sorry for me, will ya’?” Dan said uncharacteristically in an uncharacteristically repentant tone, especially since he was apologizing for his dream self.

Fluttershy poked her head back into view. “It’s okay Dan, I forgive you,” she said sweetly.

Dan smiled back at her as she disappeared from view once more.

“Well, I suppose it was unfair of me to treat you poorly for things a mere, flawed aspect of you did to me…”

“So, dreams, eh? That’s pretty nifty…in a very ‘Neil Gaiman’ sort of way…”

“I do not know who that is,” Luna admitted. “…Human names all sound so exotic.”

“Pony names sound like a bunch of hippies created your world…or market execs trying to sell toys,” Dan commented.

Luna bowed slightly. “Again, I am afraid I do not understand.”

Dan sighed as he continued to speak, “Forget it. So, Princess Goth…Can I call you Princess Goth?”

Luna frowned. “Apologies, once again, I don’t…”

Dan interrupted, “A ‘goth’ is someone who dresses in a lot of black; tends to obsess with the night, darkness, and The Crow. It’s something you might see a middles or high school student get into if the only chance they have at making friends is with other weirdos.”

“Well, I suppose it’s oddly fitting then, as I am the Princess of the Night and am apparently very popular with young children.”

“You don’t say…” Dan said flatly, not sure how he was going to elect an annoyed, offended, angry, or irritated response from the Princess, or even get the conversation somewhere interesting.

“Princess Luna has one of the best Holidays ever, ever, ever!” Pinkie informed, looking up from the laptop screen. “Everyone dresses up in costumes and gets all the free candy they can eat!” she said with a huge grin.

“Wait, you get Halloween as a celebration just to you?!” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

“Erm…Yes…Though we ponies call it ‘Nightmare Night’,” Luna said.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “’Nightmare Night?’ I thought dreams were your thing…”

Luna went uncomfortably silent.

“Yeah…” Pinkie began, “Luna sort of had a dark period where she shrouded the land in eternal night and Princess Celestia had to banish her to the moon for 1,000 years.”

Dan tried to process what his roommate had just said to him, “That’s the sort of stuff that happens in pastel colored pony land?! I thought you all just pranced around hugging each other, went to get facials, and blabbed non-stop about how great friendship is…” Dan said in a disgusted tone.

“Well…we do that, too,” Pinkie admitted. “But occasionally some dark force of evil will attack us and my friends and I will have to deal with it. Or some animal or swarm or giant beast will come by and completely destroy our village, and we’ll have to defeat it or lure it away somehow…”

“That sounds…kinda...cool, actually. Wait…” Dan turned back to the mirror. “Tallest Horse banished you to the moon for 1,000 years?! As in, an entire millennium?!” Dan asked in a shocked tone.

Mental Note: Buy…or steal Mr. Mumbles a kitty space suit.

“She had no choice!” Luna insisted. “I had become possessed by my jealousy and forced unrelenting darkness upon the land.”

“That still sounds pretty draconian for something she could have talked over with you…” Dan disputed.

“No Dan, she means literally." Pinkie contended. "She literally was possessed by a wicked spirit of nightmares that made her do those nasty things.”

Dan pondered this. “Oh well…that’s different I suppose…how’d she get better, then?”

“My friends and I defeated Nightmare Moon with the power of our friendship.”

“Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!”

“And by that, I mean our magical Elements of Harmony all worked together to blast her with magic and banish her from Princess Luna.”

“Uh…” Dan said, unsure of how to respond.

-IDW

“Oooh! Ooh! She came back, though, and gave us all wicked nightmares! She made it so in my dreams nopony thought I was funny! Can you believe it?”

“Well, actually…”

“And THEN she possessed Rarity. Who turned all black and evil and stuff! So, we all had to go to the moon and fight her and her evil moon minions who turned out to be the indigenous moon creatures who were also possessed by Nightmare’s super-evilness! But then Nightmare Rarity and her minions attacked Ponyville so we had to go back there and defeat them again with the help of the Princesses and all of Ponyville.”

“Prissy turned evil and attacked your village with dark minions?! And her, all your friends, and you have defeated evil monsters on numerous occasions?!” Dan asked having trouble imagining the same group he had traded barbs with before routinely found themselves in harm’s way and saving each other and their friends.

“Yeah…pretty frequently, actually…” Pinkie commented.

“I once fought off cockatrices with a trident!” Spike called out from the side.

“Wow…I didn’t realize you were all so…metal,” Dan responded.

“We’re not metal.” Pinkie responded, “We’re made of meat.”

“Never mind. Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?!” Dan demanded

Pinkie Pie crawled into the fort, the glow from the TV washing Dan’s body in a myriad of different colors as terrified screams emitted from the speakers.

“Zombie’s eh?” Pinkie commented. “Hey, did I ever tell you about the times changelings invaded Ponyville and took…”

“Pinkie, I’m sure your frou-frou pony stories are very interesting from where you come from, but here, we have zombie movies… and occasionally real zombies.”

Pinkie sighed, “Never mind…”

-ooooooo-IDW

“Hey Dan, Did I ever tell you about how my friends and I had to fight an ancient god of chaos and he…”

“Pinkie, can this wait? I’m in the middle of a delicate procedure, here,” Dan said, not looking up from the house he was constructing out of waffles and toothpicks.

“Ulg…FIIIIIINE!”

-ooooooo-

“HEY DAN, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME A MYSTERIOUS CRYSTAL EMPIRE APPEARED AND ME AND MY FRIENDS HAD TO DEFEND IT FROM AN EVIL SHADOW KING…”

“NO ONE CARES, PINKIE! No one!”

“GHAH!”

<-ooooooo->

Pinkie’s eye twitched a couple times. “Must have slipped my mind,” Pinkie said with an irritated expression on her face.

“Well, Dan human, I’m afraid I must say farewell for now. I have royal duties to attend to,” Luna said.

“Ah, like meeting with back-stabbing advisors or whiny vassals?” Dan suggested.

“Actually, my sister is in the final stages of lowering the sun, soon I must raise the moon.”

“You two have to move heavenly bodies all on your own?!” Dan asked, feeling everything he knew about physics suddenly being put on trial.

“No one on your world has to move the sun or moon each day, or put the stars in the sky?”

Life in prison, no chance at bail. “What?! No! They do that on their own!”

“Hmph, how convenient that must be,” Luna said walking off.

Dan went quiet, pondering on how he had certainly misjudged Pinkie’s friends, her world…and Pinkie for that matter.

Maybe I should let her talk to me about pony-land every once in a while…at least for a few minutes…

Pinkie began thrusting at keyboard keys with rigid arms and fingers, uttering frustrated “EEEH!”s with every stab.

…Then again, maybe not…

“Twilight, I’m not sure this is such a great idea.”

Dan turned back to the mirror, hearing the first masculine voice of the day.

“If you don’t talk to him, then I’ll have to talk to him, again!” Twilight pushed a reluctant looking orange pegasus with a blue mane in front of the mirror. “You’re my guard, so guard me.” Twilight quickly ran off to the side.

“But...!” Flash Sentry began, looking at the mirror and suddenly realizing he was being stared at. “Uh…Hey?”

“Wait, there actually are male ponies?!” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

Flash tried to figure out a response. “Well…uh…yeah. I mean…where did you think we get baby ponies from?”

“I just figured you all just spread like pink, girly mold on bread.”

Flash chuckled.

“So, Mr. Guy Horse Guard, why’d Sparkler toss you out into the ring?”

“Well…ummm…” Flash blushed slightly and trailed off.

“Oooh! That’s Twilight’s boyfriend!” Pinkie informed, glancing up for a split second.

Flash chuckled nervously.

“Dating your employer, eh? Scandalous. I’d tell you off if I actually cared about your bizarre equine society.”

Flash smiled. “Well Twilight sort of makes the rules, so it’s not exactly like there’s anyone to tell me off.”

“Heh, sweet deal. Still, I’m surprised you can tolerate her.”

“What do you mean?” Flash asked, a little perturbed at the unkind wording Dan had chosen.

“Well…you seem kinda…not a giant nerd.”

“Oh that,” Flash smiled. “Actually, I think it’s cute.”

Pinkie uttered an “Awwww…”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Really? How many encyclopedias does she own?”

Flash blinked a few times. “Like…volumes or full sets? Either way…I…uh…sort of fell asleep last time she was telling me…”

Pinkie and Dan doubled over in laughter.

Dan regained his composure enough to ask “Seriously, is she the Princess of the nerds over there?” in between giggles.

“Well, she does still live at a Library,” Flash informed.

The volume of laughter coming from Dan and Pinkie increased.

“Tag up!” Twilight called out.

“Uh…Did I say something wrong?” Flash asked.

“NO! Everything is FINE. Just FINE!” Twilight insisted, putting a bit too much stress on just how fine things were. “I am 100%, absolutely, totally not mad at you or anything!” Twilight said, her words conveying that she meant exactly what she said, but her tone, facial expression, and body language saying otherwise.

“Uh geez… I better go guys…” Flash said, trudging away.

“Good luck!” Pinkie called out.

“Call her ‘Too Purple’ it’s her new favorite nickname,” Dan suggested.

Flash chuckled. “Riiiiiiight…”

“…And then I, ‘The Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie’ said, ‘Fear not, weak and feeble ponies of Ponyville! I Trixie will return this foul, and giant cosmic bear to the Everfree forest with my impressive, and praiseworthy, collection of great and powerful spells!”

“Now, this is important.” Dan interjected. “How many electric guitars were playing as you battled the multi-story bear monster?”

“Oh…uh…20! All controlled by my magic as I met the Ursa Major on a field of battle. Other ponies cowered in fear, even Twilight Sparkle… Especially Twilight Sparkle.”

“Sweet,” Dan said.

The mirror emitted blue and purple light as Trixie illustrated each new detail with her magic, even adding the guitars and music.

“You know…I can watch this for hours," Dan said.

Trixie smiled. Even if it's just one, I love a good audience... especially one that doesn't question anything I say!"

“Trixie?! Who let you in here!?” Twilight called out.

“Trixie goes where Trixie wants!” Trixie shot back.

“Uh, sorry Twilight…I thought we were jus’ lettin’ random ponies in after you took off with Flash…” Applejack admitted.

“Flash isn’t ‘random’!” Twilight complained.

“Nor is ‘The Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie’!” Trixie protested.

“Trixie! Get out of my research area! Dan doesn’t need to be corrupted... further, by the likes of you!” Twilight cried in a demanding tone.

“You going to let Princess Nerd push you around like that?” Dan asked.

“I most certainly am NOT!”

“Dan! Don’t encourage her!” Twilight said as she walked into view.

“And Twilight, are you going to let Trixie get away with calling your house ‘a dorky book repository for a geeky shut-in’?”

“WHAT?!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Hey, I didn’t…” Trixie paused, glancing up to the ceiling and tapping her hoof against her chin. “Oh wait…I think I did say that during the prologue…”

“GRAAAAH!” Twilight cried as she launched herself at Trixie. Twilight used her wings to add a little momentum, tackling the light blue unicorn to the floor and knocking off her hat.

Trixie immediately fought back, smacking her hooves against the purple princess and grabbing a mouthful of feathers from Twilight’s wing.

The two wrestled and flailed against each other, trading insults.

“Oh why don’t you just cast a spell toOUCHmake this go away, Princess?” Trixie asked, adding an audible sneer at the word ‘Princess’.

“At least my spells aren’t just uselessGHAH, flashy, nonsense!”

“Nonsense! My SpSMACK...spells entertain ponies all over Equestria,” Trixie said dizzily.

“With a little help from your lies, of cour…YEOWCH!” Twilight said as Trixie sunk her teeth into Twilight’s foreleg.

Pinkie looked up, frustration slowly becoming the default expression as the hours of trying to get the computer to cooperate dragged on. “Are Twilight and Trixie…fighting?!”

“Yeah…” Dan said, memorized by the tussle in front of him, “I could watch this for hours…”

Pinkie raised her pink crowbar as far above her head as the limited room in the fort would allow. She brought it down towards the computer, dwelling on how great it would be to be free of the wretched thing.

It was not to be. Dan snagged the crowbar just above Pinkie’s grip and quickly wrested it from her, accidentally smacking the back of the couch with it, the couch doubling as the back wall. The pillows and structure wobbled and the two occupants paused until the structure settled.

Dan chastised Pinkie with a wag of his finger.

Pinkie whimpered quietly and went back to the laptop.

“Oh my. Everything alright over there, my dear?” A sophisticated sounding male voice called out.

Pinkie merely grunted a reply, as frustration reemerged from every corner of her face.

“Buck up, young filly, you’ll get it!” The voice assured.

Dan turned back to the mirror. A sophisticated white unicorn to match the voice was in view. Dan himself had changed into his Mr. Pennybags outfit complete with monocle, mustachio, and top hat; the monocle and mustachio complementing the monocle and mustache of the unicorn on the other side of the mirror.

“So Dan, you were telling me about your ever expanding real estate business,” Fancy Pants said to the dapper gentleman.

“Ah yes,” Dan said, donning his old money voice. “Well, the green and blue properties of course always bring the big money; Boardwalk, Park place, etcetera…”

“Of course,” Fancy Pants replied with a nod, as if the sentence needn't explanation.

“However, recently I’ve decided to diversify my investments. You can’t go putting all your eggs in one basket, you know? One giant fire, or thermonuclear explosion and it’s all gone in a flash.” Dan paused to sip tea out of a chipped glass that was sitting atop a small, chipped saucer.

“Ah yes, I remember when an associate of mine almost had his fortune ruined because of a Parasprite infestation. Lucky the old boy was well insured, but the downtime required to get his business back in order played havoc with his finances.”

“Quite,” Dan responded. “That’s why I’ve thought it best to purchase properties off planet entirely,” Dan said, sipping more tea.

“Off planet, you say?” Fancy Pants responded, monocle nearly popping off his face.

“Ah yes, Tatooine, Cloud City, Coruscant…”

Pinkie began sniggering to herself.

“We’ve even got hotels on Middle Earth.”

Pinkie began to fail stifling her laughter.

“Good show, Dan!”

“Yes, soon we hope to build property on Uranus,” Dan said, attempting to block his smile with his tea cup.

Pinkie rolled over on the mattress, laughing so hard that tears began to form at her eyes. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

“The lady sure seems impressed.” Fancy Pants commented with a smile as he motioned out to Pinkie.

Pinkie’s eye twitched, and she gritted her teeth in a rapid split second movement.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!” Came derisive laughter from the mirror, it resting on a pillow.

“Discord, you really shouldn’t laugh at others frustration like that…” A soft voice said.

Dan joined the laughter with a “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!” Using one hand to point at Pinkie and the other to hold his side.

The soft voice became a little sterner “Dan! You should know better than to pick on Pinkie like that. She’s trying the best she can!”

Pinkie erupted in a frustrated growl and pounced on Dan. Interrupting his laughter as she knocked him to the mattress, straddled his chest, and finding his neck with her slender hands. The entire fort shook with the impact on the mattress, but the occupants were a little too preoccupied to notice at this point.

“Hack…cough…”Dan uttered several choking sounds as he struggled to get Pinkie, or her hands, off of him.

Discord’s derisive laughter changed to full belly laughing as he fell to the floor, rolling and laughing at the scene in front of him. “HAHAHAHhehehe…stop, stop! You’re killing me!” Discord said from the floor.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy said. “Tag up, Dan! Tag up!”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles called a few feet away from the scene of violence.

Dan frantically stuck out his hand, Mr. Mumbles swatted and trotted into view of the mirror with a “Meow?”

Pinkie calmed down enough to move her weight off Dan, grab the laptop, and turned, facing away from the mirror.

Dan struggled to catch his breath and meekly crawled out of the fort.

Discord composed himself enough to look at the mangy cat in the mirror and sighed, “Show’s over I guess.” He wandered off.

Fluttershy followed him with her eyes. “Discord, you didn’t…”

Before she could finish, a disembodied Eagle claw appeared and lifted one of her forehooves. A disembodied lion paw also appeared and gave her hoof a tap.

With a smile, Fluttershy returned her focus to the mirror.

“Meow.”

“Awwww…who’s a pretty kitty?” Fluttershy asked.

“Meow?”

“Of course it’s you! You’re sucha pretty kitty!"

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles rolled onto her back and began purring.

“Awwww…whosaprettykitty? Whosaprettykitty?” Fluttershy glanced up to the pink mop of hair in her mirror. “Pinkie! Mr. Mumbles requires belly rubs, please.”

“Busy,” Pinkie responded curtly, without looking back.

“Pinkie! I can’t give Mr. Mumbles the belly rubs she requires through the mirror,” Fluttershy replied with a small frown.

“I SAID I WAS BUSY!” Pinkie snapped, turning to level an angry glare at the mirror.

Fluttershy gasped. “Too busy to scratch a fluffy kitty’s belly? Pinkie, I’m not sure I even know who you are anymore…”

Pinkie paused and contemplated this. She began to tear up, “Oh my gosh! You’re right, Fluttershy.” Pinkie stared down at Mr. Mumbles, who was still on her back and gave her a quick “Mew?”

“I’VE BECOME EVERYTHING I’VE EVER HATED!” Pinkie declared, collapsing into a fountain of tears, but still outstretching a hand to rub Mr. Mumbles’s belly.

“Oh Pinkie, don’t cry. It’s okay…” Fluutershy said.

“Sniff…No it’s not! SOB…I’m stupid and I can’t figure out ANYTHING! WHOUAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie buried her face in her arm as the other continued to stroke Mr. Mumbles, desperately trying to grasp onto cat fur as if it was her very equinity that she was holding onto.

The rest of Pinkie’s friends gathered to the mirror with a concerned look on their faces.

Pinkie felt a warm hand on her shoulder, she glanced up to see Dan holding out a kitchen towel. “Tag up?” he asked softly.

Pinkie grabbed the towel, wiped her face with it, and blew her nose. Her eyes still puffy and her face still red, she whimpered a soft, “Uh-huh.”

Dan held out his hand, and Pinkie gave it a swat. Still petting Mr. Mumbles, she scooted closer to the mirror.

Mr. Mumbles stood up, and swatted Pinkie’s hand, trotting out of the fort.

Pinkie collected herself as she collected the mirror and brought it up to her face.

“So…ummm…what did you all think of Dan?”

Pinkie was bombarded with responses as all her friends spoke out at once.

“He’s awful!”

“So uncool!”

“He’s a lowdown, cheatin’ snake!”

“Uncultured barbarian!”

“He’s great.”

“Totally rad!”

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity all turned to face Fluttershy and Spike. In unison the four asked “Really?!”

“Yeah, he’s awesome!” Spike responded.

“Yeah, he’s great,” Fluttershy repeated softly.

Dan examined a slip of paper, trying to decipher Pinkie’s girly scrawl; Pinkie obviously not have taken the same time to write the password down as she did when she wrote for her arts and crafts projects.

Dan squinted and scratched at the stubble on his cheek. “Pinkie,” he called out, “usually when someone says ‘three’ when they’re giving you a password, they mean the number ‘3’.” Dan turned the piece of paper for Pinkie to see.

Pinkie snatched it and examined it, a smile quickly reclaiming the previously lost territory of her face. “Tag up!” She said, setting the mirror down and holding her hand out.

Dan smacked her hand and Pinkie was back in front of the computer in an instant.

Some excited typing and a hopeful, “Oooooooh!” later, Dan found Pinkie on top of him again. This time, it was Pinkie's arms and not her hands that where around his neck, much to Dan's relief.

“Hack…cough…”

…Or maybe not.

Slowly, Pinkie released the death grip on her roommate’s neck and sat up, she placed the mirror so her friends could view the computer screen.

“Finally, now we can finally begin our search for…Hey!” Twilight called out as Dan quickly typed something into the computer. “Dan, I don’t think…IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES?!”

Everyone gathered closer to the mirror as 'Scotland the Brave' played out of the computer to a video of a cat bouncing up and down on bagpipes.

Dan clicked a few items and suddenly another cat was added, blowing into the pipes.

“It’s…it’s more beautiful than I dared dream,” Fluttershy commented with wide eyes and wide pupils.

“Yep.” Dan said. “And there are thousands more where these two came from.”

“Do they have dogs?” Applejack asked hopefully.

“Or tortoises?” Rainbow Dash added excitedly.

“They have every animal you can think of and even a whole bunch of ones you didn’t know existed,” Dan responded.

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh…” Dash responded, excitedly flapping her wings.

The group eagerly began shouting requests as Pinkie sat down next to her roommate with a content smile.

“Alright everpony, I raised the sun hours ago. You should all go get some sleep,” Celestia called out maternally, walking into the room

There was a series of disappointed groans from the five ponies and baby dragon, as they sat up, stretched, and made their way to the exit.

Luna followed close behind and leaned in close to her sister. “Uh…thanks for lowering the moon for me, sister…I lost track of time…” She admitted embarrassed.

Celestia smiled warmly at her younger sister. “Not to worry, you should get some rest.”

Luna smiled, nodded, and walked out.

Celestia turned to the mirror. “Now, I think you two should also get some rest.” She said, assuming Dan and Pinkie to be behind the mirror but in earshot. Suddenly, Celestia’s eyes narrowed as Mr. Mumbles wandered into view. “Oh, it’s you…what do you…” -- With a “Meow”, Mr. Mumbles tapped a few keys on the computer – “…IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES?!”

Author's Notes:

Revised

Snagged a vector from floppychiptunes

The Dan screenshots all came from here.

A very special thanks to MythrilMoth who proofed this monster chapter any many before and after it. He writes good stuff if you didn't know. You should definitely check out his story section.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life

Epilogue

“…And that’s when Captain Jack Tatterson, armed with his Death Ray Gun, blasted all the evil Blorg into--”

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRD!” Twilight yelled at the mirror.

“Wait, what?” Dan asked, his train of thought thoroughly derailed.

Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and gave herself a proud smile.

“Why you little…purple…uh…sparkly...”

Dan heard some rustling as a soft, warm body pressed against his back and a feminine hand with nails painted pink reached over his own body into view.

“Tag up,” Pinkie said.

Dan spun his body on the mattress to face his roommate, his face mere inches from hers. “But she…”

“Dan,” Pinkie began in a tired tone, leveling equally tired sky-blue eyes at him, “we’ve been up for almost two days watching videos and talking to everyone in Canterlot and you’ve been picking on her non-stop.” Pinkie gave Dan a pleading look. “Let her have this one, pleeeease?”

Dan folded his arms and looked away. “FIIIINE!” he huffed out as he flicked Pinkie’s hand.

Pinkie pressed against Dan slightly as she reached over to grab the mirror off its pillow perch. She laid back on her own pillow and held the mirror above her. “Goodnight, Twilight,” Pinkie said with a yawn.

“Goodnight, Pinkie.” Twilight said with a smile, adding a “Goodnight, Dan,” with an eye roll.

“Night, Sparkler.” Dan mumbled.

Pinkie smiled to herself and closed the compact mirror. She placed the mirror on the side of the bed, lightly tapping it against the crate that served as part of the fort wall.

The fort immediately collapsed in on itself, burying the occupants in blankets, cushions, and throw pillows to the sound of a startled cat.

“Pinkfie?” Dan called out, with a muffled voice.

“Yeah, Dan?”

“I thwink it’s twime we put bwack the fwurnitwure…”

Pinkie sighed. “I know, Dan.”

“Good…bwut furst please help pry Misster Mumble owff my fwace.”

“Merrrow…”

End Part 3

Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading!

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess

Dan uttered a few groggy grumbles as he slowly rose from bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, clad in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers. He glanced to the other side of the bed to find it empty. It took him a few seconds in his sleepy haze to remember he had the mattress (now reassembled into a bed) all to himself once more. The bed was pretty small by basically any metric, so having more than a few feet of space was certainly nice. Though, weeks of sharing the mattress with someone suddenly coming to an end left him with a vague sense of emptiness he had no desire to dwell on and even less to talk over with anyone. Especially not…

…

Dan peered through the open bedroom door into the living room, seeing a blanket neatly draped over the couch. Now where is…

Dan had time to turn and little else as the bathroom door flew open and the pink blur of his roommate was on top of him and enveloping him in a crushing embrace.

Definitely going to miss her not having a running start each morning/afternoon to do that…

Pinkie released her embrace and held herself up, her pink pajama clad arms and legs now straddling her roommate. “Did you miss me?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

“No!” Dan answered grumpily.

“Daaaaaaaan~,” Pinkie cooed. “You know what happens to liars in this apartment.” Pinkie fixed her roommate with a playful grin, “Don’t you?”

Dan met her playful grin with a glare. “Don’t you dare!”

Pinkie’s hand’s curled and her fingertips found Dan’s bare sides.

“No! Stop!” Dan pleaded.

“Mercy is for the weak, Dan.” Pinkie said, adding some fake gruffness to her voice. Rapidly, but lightly, she began running her fingertips over Dan’s sides.

“NO!..hehe…stop…hahaha…no!..not…giggle…there…” Dan feebly attempted to get Pinkie off of him or restrain her hands. He was at a distinct tactical disadvantage given she already had him pinned down and also had several inches on him to begin with.

“That’s right!” Pinkie declared, grinning wickedly at her hapless victim. “Liars get tickle tortured!” Pinkie doubled down on the tickling intensity, reducing her roommate to little more than a frantic squirming mass of laughter and tears.

Through the unrelenting onslaught of frantic finger brushes, Dan found enough strength to raise his torso and leverage enough weight to push his roommate neatly to the side of the bed, roughly pushing himself off the bed in the process.

Dan hit the floor with a resounding thud.

Pinkie cautiously poked her head over the side of the bed and put on a pained expression, “Sorry, Dan…” She offered.

Dan was up on his feet in an instant leveling an angry finger at his roommate, though angry snarls ended up filling in for a coherent sentence.

Pinkie scooted back a few inches and met Dan’s enraged look with a concerned and apologetic one.

Dan threw his hands up in frustration and trudged over to his giant pile of blue-jeans, pulling a pair up over his bare legs and boxers. She needs like a…sign…or signal or anything for when she’s going to be all hyper, and bubbly, and touchy! ...Which I guess is pretty much every day…

Pinkie hesitated to say something given she was at least, temporarily, in Dan’s bad books. The urge to improve her roommate’s habits got the better of her. “Uh, Dan…shouldn’t you…you know…shower before getting dressed…and maybe swap out articles of clothing?” She asked with a big smile, fluttering her eyelashes a couple times.

“Why? I’m just going to get dirty again,” Dan countered, hunting for a pair of socks on his floor that looked clean enough not to give him some sort of horrible foot fungus.

…Again.

“Well…” Pinkie began, “maybe it’s more for the people who have…Imean get to be around you?” she added hopefully.

“You mean all the people I hate?” Dan responded.

Pinkie frowned, hoping she was somehow exempt from that list that, in all likelihood, contained close to the entire planet’s population and probably a few aliens Dan still had a bone to pick with.

Dan grabbed a wrinkled shirt off his dresser and put it on.

“Dan! Is that the same shirt you wore yesterday…and the day before that?”

“It’s fine!” Dan insisted, stepping over to his roommate. “Here, smell.”

Pinkie plugged her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “I did! From over there!” she responded nasally.

Dan made a frustrated grunt and took the shirt off, throwing it into a black pile of “JERK” shirts. He then fetched a shirt out of the same pile and put it on.

“Better?” He asked with an irritated expression.

Pinkie frowned slightly. “Don’t you have any that are…clean?”

“What! It’s clean!” Dan insisted. “Look, I know your sex hasn’t evolved enough to get past binary levels of sanitation, but we men have discovered there are many levels and degrees to cleanliness.” Dan said holding an informative index finger up.

Pinkie’s frown slowly crawled across her face, encouraging her eyes and brow to join it. I need to develop my Pinkie sense to warn me when Dan is going to be grumpy and irritable, or something… Which I guess is pretty much every day… Pinkie suddenly glanced up at the ceiling. Hmmm…Pinkie sense…

Pinkie looked up as she heard the jingling of keys.

Dan placed his keys and wallet in his pockets and headed for the door to the apartment.

“Wait! Dan, where are you going?” Pinkie asked.

“Out,” Dan said flatly.

“Oooh, can I--”

Dan quickly opened the door and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

'SLAM!'

"--come?” Pinkie sighed.

I guess having a funderful day with my favorite roommate in the whole-wide-world will just have to take a rain check. Ooh! “Funderful”…I’ll have to write that one down… Now, about that Pinkie sense… That tingling sensation before the fort went all crashy last night…that must have been my tail twitching…

Pinkie craned her neck and attempted to inspect her tailless rear.

And my knees got pinchy when I first arrived on this world…though I guess I was too distracted with the new body to notice…

Pinkie set aside attempting to ascertain the new signals her super-natural senses had shifted to in favor of surveying Dan’s messy room. The floor was more dirty clothing than carpet at this point, and what was under the layer of clothing could probably use a good washing as well.

Hmmm…Well, if Dan is going to be out, I could probably take this opportunity to clean this place. I mean…I keep tripping over stuff on the way to my closet. Either static electricity is going to turn this mess sentient or I’m simply going to get stuck in a pit of it and die surrounded by Dan’s dirty laundry.

As amusing as the thought of having some sort of pet created out of clutter was, the horrifying and more likely thought of passing out from the stench of a soiled t-shirt mountain then ending up entombed in it filled Pinkie with a newfound desire to clean Dan’s room and the rest of the apartment.

Dan trudged up the stairs of Casa Paradisio, grumbling to himself.

“Okay, Burgerphile getting my order wrong, again, was bad enough, but seriously ..? It’s a crime to fill a Super-Soaker full of tabasco sauce and fire it at mouthy middle schoolers? It wasn’t even the habanero! What kind of fascist police state is California turning into?”
-
Pinkie smiled as she finished frosting her chocolate cake. In between walking to the Laundromat and waiting for things to wash or dry, she had found time to do some baking. She even took the time to make a half a dozen lactose-free chocolate cupcakes for Dan.

Pinkie glanced at the cupcakes.

Maybe those will cheer Dan up!

Pinkie picked up her finished chocolate cake and brought it towards the fridge.

Whoa!

Pinkie paused as a series of sensations washed over her…

Ear flop…or wiggle…they don’t really flop, do they? Er…eye flutter, knee twitch…another ear wiggle? That doesn’t…

The apartment door flung open.

Pinkie’s world quickly went brown followed shortly by black.

Ahhh... 'Watch out for opening doors.' AND 'You’re about to need a bath.'

Dan paused.

Huh, the door doesn’t usually stop like that…or make a 'splat' sound.

Dan closed the door to reveal his roommate wearing a fashionable chocolate cake mask complete with metal platter.

The platter fell and clattered on the floor, followed by most of the cake which exploded as it impacted the ground.

“Seriously? All over the door, floor, and my clothes? Nice one Pinkie.”

Pinkie wiped away a thick layer of frosting and cake from her eyes and leveled piercing blue eyes set to ‘kill’ at Dan.

Dan wiped a finger full of frosting and cake from Pinkie’s cheek and put it up towards his mouth...

…

“Does this have milk in it?”

“…Why don’t you try it and find out for yourself?” Pinkie said irritably.

“Ulch, that’s a ‘yes’.” Dan wiped the mass of cake on the nearby, previously spotless, fridge.

“Hey!” Pinkie protested.

Dan punted a mass of cake across the room. It sailed messily over the couch and splatted against the wall on the other side.

Pinkie’s chocolate caked jaw dropped and her eye twitched.

A mental counter suddenly ratcheted up to 5 in her brain.

“Wha…why?” She stammered out.

Dan leveled an accusatory finger at her. “You were going to let me poison myself!”

“Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, the side of her mouth likewise following suit. “…Okay, but I would have felt bad about it afterwards,” she assured. “Besides, you could have pointed that out without messing up the living room.”

“I’m not sure that I could,” Dan disputed with closed eyes and folded arms.

Pinkie grumbled a few unpleasant things under her breath and grabbed a kitchen towel to clean her face. She looked down at her white and red striped, chocolate covered shirt and pouted.

“Are these poisoned as well?” Dan said, pointing at the chocolate cupcakes.

Pinkie looked up from her chocolate stained shirt with an angry frown, considering lying to Dan as passive aggressive payback for his Danness.

Her conscious got the better of her. “…No,” she answered.

Dan eyed her suspiciously, grabbed a cupcake, and took a bite. “Hmmm… this is really good.”

Pinkie took a few calming breaths. “…Glad you like them.”

SPLAT

7

“DAN!? WHAT IN TARTARUS?!” Pinkie screamed shrilly, examining the cupcake Dan just threw at a window.

“THAT’S for hesitating.” Dan answered, picking up another cupcake and biting into it.

“Grrrrr…Dan, WAIT! At least take off your shoes! I just…scrubbed…the…carpets…” Pinkie buried her face in a palm as Dan tracked chocolate and dirt across the apartment.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!” Dan demanded from the bedroom.

Pinkie sighed and walked into the bedroom. “I cleaned it, and your clothes.”

“You RUINED my system!”

“Your system was a pile of jeans, a pile of shirts, and socks and underwear strewn across the floor.”

“MAYBE to the untrained, female, eye! But I had everything carefully laid out in order from cleanest to dirtiest.” Dan insisted angrily.

“Well, now everything is clean, and in your dresser, so what’s it matter?” Pinkie asked, frustration having already taken up all the space on her face but finding more on the rest of her body.

Dan narrowed his eyes and lobbed the cupcake he was holding at the bedroom closet full of pink, blue, and yellow clothes.

14

“GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“You really need to work on that temper or yours,” Dan said, taking off his chocolate splattered shirt and jeans and unceremoniously dropping both to the floor.

Pinkie took several short, shallow breaths as Dan fished out a clean top and jeans out of his dresser. Dan quickly got dressed, including his still chocolate covered shoes, and made his way back towards the living room.

16

“Dan, couldn’t you at least have put those on in the kitchen.”

“What? And get chocolate on them?”

Rage, confusion, and coherence struggled for control of Pinkie’s vocal cords. “I…I…just…but…you…” Coherence was whisked away to the emergency room in critical condition.

Dan grabbed the rest of the cupcakes. “Well, I think I’ll head out again. I’ve still got about a pint or more of hot sauce in my Super Soaker, and I need to figure out what to do with it. And besides,” Dan motioned to the chocolate sprayed and splattered apartment, “looks like you have some cleaning to do.”

Pinkie face contorted as anger pulled it in several directions at once. Her mouth hung open angrily, but Pinkie was having trouble vocalizing anything at this point.

“Toodles!” Dan said cheerfully, waving as he closed the door behind him.

Pinkie stood in place for a few seconds, her face still twisted in fury. With a heavy sigh, Pinkie hung her head and slouched her shoulders. She looked up to survey the damage.

The main mess is in the kitchen, of course. Dan’s kick has left a trail over the couch, meaning both it and my blankets need to be cleaned if I don’t want to sleep in chocolate tonight…Wait, that actually sounds kinda awesome…

Pinkie smacked her forehead a few times. …NO, NO, NO! You’re trying to clean the apartment, not make it worse…

Pinkie sighed.

Cupcake on the window.

Pinkie sighed deeper.

Cupcake in my closet…

Chocolate on the shirt and jean-shorts I’m STILL wearing…Maybe I should call Elise up and see if she can take me clothes shopping later. I’m not sure if Dan can survive 16 stab wounds…

The door flew open again, a chocolate cupcake sailing through it and hitting the landline telephone.

“And THAT’S just to keep you on your toes!” Dan announced, quickly closing the door behind him.

20

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pinkie looked over her freshly frosted chocolate cake and smiled. Alternating cleaning and baking was tiring and she nearly dumped a cup of carpet cleaner into the batter at one point, but it felt good to have the place clean again and to finally get to have some cake. She took the slightly chocolate covered apron off and placed it neatly on the counter, her pink dress with blue and yellow balloons having escaped baking and Dan unscathed.

Pinkie felt a series of tingles, wiggles, and flutters.

Ear wiggle, eye flutter, knee twitch…twitchy…rear?

Pinkie backed up just as the door swung open, narrowly missing her.

“Dan! Welcome back! Please don’t throw anymore cupcakes!” Pinkie pleaded, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan shrugged. “Ate ‘em.” He closed the door behind him and surveyed the apartment. “Heeeeeey! Looking good! You’ve really outdone yourself.”

Pinkie smiled. “Thanks! It took a lot of scrubbing but…”

“You didn’t by chance make more of those lactose-free chocolate cupcakes?”

“No, but the fridge is full of…”

SPLAT

Forgot about the twitchy…hindquarters?

27

“OH, COME ON!” Pinkie screamed, her chocolate cake now getting rather intimate with her socks and the floor beneath them.

“And THAT’S for only selfishly thinking about yourself!” Dan said as he grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe the chocolate off his hand.

Pinkie’s face turned red, and Dan was sure he heard a kettle start to boil…

Pinkie mustered the last of her will to calmly ask, “Dan, can you please go outside for a minute?”

“Fiiiine,” Dan said. “Left something in the car, anyways…” Dan returned outside.

Pinkie quickly removed her socks and toweled off her feet. She fetched her pink laptop bag. Setting it down on the counter, she pulled her smart phone out of it and pressed the screen a few times.

“Hey, Pinkie,” a feminine voice answered.

“Hi, Elise!” Pinkie said excitedly. “So ummm…I know it’s a little late but…errrr…could you maybe…swing by…”

“What he do?” Elise asked flatly.

Pinkie sighed before she continued, “That obvious, huh?”

“Well, you are living with Dan.” Elise responded.

“…Yeah…Okay, he sort of got chocolate everywhere…including my clothes…like…almost all of them…also he destroyed a cake…two if we count accidents.”

Elise whistled into the phone, then asked, “What’s he up to?”

Pinkie sighed again ans answered, “27.”

“Ouch…does he know?”

“No…I kinda hoped I could get through the night without threatening him with bodily harm and likely death.”

Elise chuckled. “Alright, tell you what. I’ll be right over. We’ll go shopping, grab some dinner, and even catch a movie. How’s that sound?”

“That sounds like a splendiferous evening of awesome fun times! Way better than spending it in jail or figuring out how to dispose of a body.”

There was a pause on the other line “…You KNOW I just happen to have a body bag or two out back and a number of cleanup kits specifically designed for…”

“So! See you soon?” Pinkie interrupted with a worried smile on her face.

“Sure Pinkie! I’ll be right over.”

“Great! Bye-Bye, Elsie!”

“Bye.”

Pinkie paused as she felt her ears wiggle.

Oh no…

Dan kicked the door open and leveled a Super Soaker directly at Pinkie, shooting her between the eyes with a red stream of hot sauce.

“Now, be honest with me. Does that seem hot enough to be labeled ‘felony worthy’?” Dan asked.

Pinkie wiped away tabasco sauce from her eyes and leveled piercing sky-blue eyes set to ‘disintegrate’ at Dan.

“WELL?!” Dan asked impatiently.

“37,” Pinkie said simply.

Dan’s expression shifted from impatience to surprise to fear.

Uh-oh... If she uttering a random number it can only mean on thing... Dan gulped, “That bad?” He was never quite sure if Pinkie would really inflict multiple stab-wounds on his personage, but by the time she suggested it as an option she was usually managing faces of rage that made Dan’s best rage faces look like he was just asked to kitten sit in comparison.

“Let’s see…I’ve cleaned the apartment TWICE, not to mention all your clothes! I even made you cupcakes! And you squashed a cake on me without so much as an apology, destroyed another one out of spite, threw cupcakes…ONE AT MY CLOSET, and you just drenched me and one of the few non-chocolate covered articles of clothing I had left with hot sauce…” Pinkie licked the hot sauce from around her lips. “…Yeah, this is pretty mild. I’m not sure what the fuss is about.”

“That’s what I sa--”

“DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!” Pinkie roared.

Dan refocused his attention on Pinkie and went quiet.

“NOW! Elise will be here any minute to take me out. Possibly with a body bag and some sort of international spy murder clean up kit. I’m going to shower and change into what’s probably my LAST set of clean clothes and go out with her.” Pinkie leveled an index finger at Dan. “You are going to clean up this cake, take a shower, change into something clean, brush your teeth, and make me a NEW cake by the time I get back…OR ELSE.” To make her point, Pinkie grabbed the chief’s knife from her bag, unsheathed it, and tossed it on the countertop in one swift movement. The knife tip stuck in the counter and swung back and forth like a metronome, if a metronome was sharp and could be used to stab your roommate 37 times.

“SAVVY?!” Pinkie screeched.

“Uh…savvy…” Dan responded. He tentatively raised an index finger. “Just one thing…I’m not sure I can bake…”

Pinkie shoved an open recipe book in front of Dan’s face.

Dan used his finger to slowly lower the book enough to meet his roommate’s death glare… “Er…this has milk, how am I…”

“FIGURE IT OUT!” Pinkie angrily dropped the open book on the counter, grabbed her knife, sheathed it, returned it to the bag, stormed off towards the bedroom, picked out some jeans, white button up shirt and vest from the closet, taking care to hold them away from any hot sauce, walked out the bedroom into the bathroom, and slammed the door after her.

Dan quickly grabbed his smartphone out of his pocket and pushed the screen a couple times.

“Dan!” Elise answered cheerfully, “Did you mean to dial Chris or the hospital?”

“Haha,” Dan said sarcastically, “Have you left yet?”

“I was just about to walk out the door.” Elise responded.

“Great, bring Chris and leave him here with me when you come to pick up Pinkie.”

“Ooooooh, well…that depends. Is this vengeance related, or ‘I don’t want to be stabbed 27 times’ related?” Elise asked.

“The latter…and I’m up to 37.”

“Wow! That’s a record! And you got 10 more in the two minutes since I got off the phone with Pinkie. That’s got to be some sort of speed record.”

“Can I have Chris, or do I need to take him?” Dan asked.

“Alright Dan. I’ll get him. But I want you to know I’m only doing this for Pinkie…specifically because I find her objectively terrifying when she’s this angry.”

“I know, right? It’s like under all the cotton candy and rainbows there beats the heart of a psychotic serial killer.”

“Well Dan, you do tend to bring out the worse in people.”

Dan went silent.

“Dan?” Elise asked with a touch of concern.

“Nothing. Bring Chris…and please leave the body bag and clean-up kits at home.”

“’Yes’, and ‘I’ll strongly consider it.’ respectively,” Elise responded.

“…Good enough.” Dan terminated the call.

Dan sighed, looking at the open recipe book and hoped that despite his lactose intolerance and Chris’s complete incompetence at everything, the two of them could make one decent baker.

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Originally Part 4 was going to be named "Dan Vs. Cohabitation." But pretty much every dictionary in existence informed me most people assumes this means two people who share living quarters and have sex as opposed to just the former.

I can't help but image Dan would be nicer this chapter if that was the case...

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene

Dan stared down at the mess of a cake now splattered in the kitchen…or the area of the small apartment that served as a kitchen.

I can probably get Chris to take care of this when he gets here.

Dan’s ears perked up as he heard…singing? Pinkie was apparently singing in the shower.

Maybe that’s all she needed?

Dan put his ear up to the bathroom door and listened in, hopeful that his roommate was singing about rainbows, sunshine, and candy like normal.

“La la la la la…something, something 37… Hrrmmm….what rhymes with ‘seven’? OH! Heaven! Good one…”

Dan swallowed and glanced over to the cake on the ground, the idea of leaving it until Pinkie got out suddenly terrifying. He opened the cabinet under the kitchen sink and donned some yellow rubber gloves while grabbing carpet cleaner, some rags, and a brush.

Soon the cake and the mess it left was little more than a memory occupying the garbage.

Dan heard the sound of a hair dryer. Deciding to risk another listen at the bathroom door, he sneaked over and placed an ear against it once again.

“Tra la la la…something…stab wounds…Shoot. What rhymes with wounds?..

“…”

“…Hounds? Does that work? Can I pronounce words funny for the sake of rhyme?”

“…”

“Do I need to get a killer dog, now, for this song to work?”

Dan opted to sit in his easy chair and stare into space to reduce risk of him messing up his apartment accidentally.

Before long, there was a knock on the door.

Dan got up to answer it.

“Dan! You’re still alive and conscious and unstabbed and everything! Awesome!” Chris beamed.

Elise sighed. “Yeah…awesome…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Don’t hurt yourselves getting happy over it or anything…”

“I’M happy,” Chris insisted. He gave his wife a sly look. “Twenty dollars happy.”

Elise sighed, fished her wallet out of her purse, grabbed a twenty dollar bill out of that, and handed the bill to Chris.

“Did you two BET on if she would kill me before you got here?!” Dan asked, flabbergasted.

“No! Maimed!” Chris asserted. “Elise told me you probably wouldn’t die of blood loss or organ failure by the time we arrived.”

Dan glared at Elise. “Thanks Elise, you’re a peach. Rotten to the core, that is.”

Elise grinned, getting under Dan’s skin suddenly being worth the money she had just handed over to her husband.

“And YOU!” Dan said as he leveled one of his patented accusatory fingers at Chris. “How DARE you profit over my potential mutilation!”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I was betting against your mutilation!”

“Oh…right. YOU!” Dan wheeled around to point at Elise, “How DARE you attempt to profit over my potential mutilation!”

Elise continued to smile, and shrugged while lifting her palms and forearms up slightly. “What can I say Dan, you bring out the worst in people.”

Dan’s expression shifted and his spitting, frothing, surface rage shifted to a quieter, bubbling under the surface anger.

Elise’s expression shifted too, and her smile dropped as she realized she may have struck a little below the belt on that last one.

Chris’s eyes darted back and forth between his wife and Dan as he realized their normal barb trade-off had seemingly descended into something a bit more awkward and personal. Chris cleared his throat. “Now, Dan. It’s only fair given you try to bet with me every time Elise goes out on a dangerous mission.”

The tactic seemed to work; Dan snapped right back to his angry, irate self of a few moments ago. “Aaaaand you’d have made a pretty penny off of me if you could ever stop crying long enough to settle on an amount. I mean, she’s still here isn't she?”

Chris went pale. “You know…let’s not talk about…”

Elise’s expression shifted to a smug grin as she looped an arm around her husband’s own arm and laid a palm on it. “Heh. You should take him up on his bet Chris. I’m the top agent in my field. It’ll be a warm day in Siberia before someone takes me out.”

Dan winced. “You know how I feel about Siberia! Do it again and I will cut you!”

“Hey guys..?” Chris said, trying to keep things from getting worse.

He failed.

“With what?” Elise said, her smile widening and tone getting more condescending. “You got a steak knife you’re going to come at me with?” Elise fluttered her eyelids at Dan. “You know I’m a master of the ninjatō.”

Dan’s face turned red as he closed the distance between himself and Elise.

Elise released her arms and began to advance on Dan.

The two very quickly found Chris blocking their path to each other. “Hey guys? Let’s maybe not fight and threaten to stab someone.”

“I want to stab someone.”

The trio winced and turned to face Pinkie who was wearing her button-up white shirt, vest, jeans, and a few bracelets along with her default happy-go-lucky smile. Pinkie had obviously moved onto phase two of her 'so angry at Dan, I could just stab him repeatedly with a chef's knife' mood; the casual mentioning of inflicting violence without as much as an expression change. It was something even Elise found unsettling.

Pinkie bounded over to the group as Dan took a few big steps back.

“Hey Chris!” Pinkie said, giving the big man a big hug.

“Uh…hey Pinkie!” Chris said with a slightly anxious tone.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and looped an arm around Elise’s. “Ready to go?”

Elise pushed past her own unease and smiled. “Sure, Pinkie!”

“Great! We’re off for super-dee-duper fun times!” Pinkie announced throwing an excited fist into the air.

The two walked through the door, out into the warm California night.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

In a pink flash, Pinkie popped back into view, poking her head through the door. She leveled narrowed eyes at Dan and quickly pointed at him then the bathroom she had just exited. Slowly, she pulled the finger back towards her and lifted her head up, making a slicing motion over her own neck.

Dan gulped and nodded his head.

Pinkie turned to Chris and gave him a smile and a finger wagging wave then darted out of view.

Chris whistled. “37, huh? That’s pretty impressive considering the apartment seems to be immaculate instead of suffering from a number of jetpack prototype related scorch marks and holes. I keep forgetting this place is actually blue under all the grime.”

“Pinkie worked pretty hard to clean up, today…” Dan explained. “Also, this will be a lot harder to get out of than the day of 18 stabs since I can’t just let her help me with the jetpack…”

“I thought 18 was the day you used all her baked goods to assault the gluten sensitivity group.”

“No, that was 25.” Dan corrected. “She was pretty mad when she found out ‘gluten intolerance’ didn’t mean ‘people who were prejudiced against glutens’.” Dan glanced to the side and added, “… Stupid internet.” He continued, “She forced me to help her make a bunch of gluten-free baked goods to get out of that one…”

“Oh, right…” Chris said. “So what’s she making you do to get out of this one? Must be something pretty major.”

Dan motioned to the recipe book. “She’s making me bake the chocolate cake I destroyed.”

Chris paused. “… Dan…” Chris began to tear up. “… Destroying food is definitely a stab worthy crime… but…” Chris began to get choked up with emotion. “… I’ve never been…sniff…never been so happy to be your friend in my LIFE!” Chris broke into tears of joy.

“… She’s also making me take a shower and brush my teeth.”

Chris wiped away his tears and put on a grin. “Heavens! You’ll lose at least an inch once the layer of filth is cleaned off.”

Dan glared at Chris and placed a well-aimed kick into his larger friend’s shin.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed, hopping on one foot as he lifted the assaulted appendage.

“This is serious! She’ll probably expect me to use soap…and wash my hair…” Dan thought for a moment... “A HA!” he cried triumphantly. “She just said ‘shower’, she didn’t specify I had to do all that other frou-frou nonsense! Maybe I can just rinse off and finish up with some wet-naps…”

“…Are you sure?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

“…Well…” Dan trailed off.

“37 times sure?” Chris added.

Dan sighed and hung his head, “…but all we have is Pinkie’s girly nonsense stuff.” His lip quivered slightly. “I’m going to smell like some sort of fanciful meadow from the French Alps.” He placed a fist in front of his mouth and puffed his cheeks. “How am I supposed to bake if I’m throwing up every few minutes?”

“Do you still have Elise’s passive aggressive birthday surprise?” Chris asked.

Dan lowered his eyelids slightly. “Yeah. I pull out the box whenever I want to remind myself how much I hate your wife.”

Chris sighed. “You know Elise has a scrapbook where she catalogues all the photos Pinkie has taken of you getting injured or covered in something unpleasant…she’s began adding notes of all the times Pinkie has threatened to stab you, too.” Chris pulled his arms in tight to his chest and held himself as he trembled slightly. “She pulls it out in the middle of the night when she thinks I’m asleep and giggles to herself…it’s really weird.”

Dan’s expression softened and his pupils dilated. “Elise has a misery scrapbook of me? Awww, that’s really terrible…” He said with warmth in his voice.

“I really wish you two didn’t have a relationship built out of mutual dislike,” Chris responded.

“Loathing,” Dan countered. “You make this sound like it’s some sort of middle-school…aversion fling. Elise and I are adults and we conduct ourselves as such”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Wow umm…I’m not sure I’ve EVER been this uncomfortable in my life…can you go get that box now?”

Dan sighed out as he flung his arms out to his sides. “FINE!” He trudged off to his bedroom, and grabbed a brown box from under his bed. The words ‘Elise’s Passive Aggressive Birthday Surprise’ were written in it in intricate calligraphy that gave the words an Asian feel.

Dan stroked the box fondly. “You can really tell she took her time with this…”

Chris shuddered once more, the thought of his wife and best friend having some sort of hate relationship giving him the heebie-jeebies. “Can we open it?”

“Oh, right…” Dan said. He opened the box to reveal a collection of masculine looking bathing and dental hygiene products. Each item had a message written in the same flowing script that was on the box; 'You Smell', 'Your breath stinks', 'Please use this to evict the colony of tiny creatures that resides in your hair.'

“She even took the time to personalize each one…” Dan said affectionately.

Chris quickly took the box and shoved it into Dan’s arms. “Just…PLEASE go wash up! PLEASE!” he insisted forcefully.

“Right! No time to waste on our detestation relation. I have someone in desperate need of saving…ME!” Dan marched off towards the bathroom. He glanced back at Chris. “Make yourself useful and start prepping ingredients.” Dan narrowed his eyes, “And don’t eat all the ingredients before we’ve had a chance to make the cake.”

Chris saluted. “You can count on me, buddy!”

Dan shut the door to the bathroom.

Chris began looking over the recipe and started grabbing measuring cups, spoons, mixing bowls, etc…

“Ahhhh..! It burrrrrns! It burrrrns us! It freeeeezees!” Dan wailed over the sound of running water.

Chris rolled his eyes and walked over to the bathroom door. “Dan, have you even used the soap yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!” Dan yelled back. “And stop sneaking next to the bathroom! It’s really creepy!”

Chris sighed and walked back towards the kitchen area. He examined the recipe carefully “Hmmmm…4 ounces of chocolate? That can’t be right…”

Dan took several short and shallow breaths as water and perspiration dripped down his face. He eyed the instrument with pinpoint-sized pupils. A long handle that ended in a spiky looking end.

I can’t believe I’m expected to put this in my mouth. It’s unbelievable, barbaric, cruel even…

Slowly, he reached for a cylindrical tube and unscrewed the top. Carefully, he clenched it, a bright green substance squeezing out of it and onto the spikes of the device he eyed before.

That can’t be a natural color…this stuff has got to be irradiated somehow…

Dan slowly raised the toothbrush to his mouth, his hands shaking as the he slowly pressed the firm bristles against his teeth.

Chris paused as he heard a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. He rushed over and knocked on the door. “Dan! Are you alright?!” He asked with concern.

“Nwoo…” Dan groaned. “Erery’ing tases and smells like burming mint!”

Chris shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Dan groaned and wailed as he dragged the toothbrush across his teeth. After a few minutes, he exited the bathroom with a towel across his waist.

Chris gave his friend a few sarcastic claps. “Congratulations. You survived.”

Dan struggled to catch his breath. “How can…how can people subject themselves to that every week?!”

Chris gave his friend a sideways glance. “They don’t. Most people do that every day.”

Dan’s eyes went wide as he collapsed into his easy chair. “Savages…”

“You know…” Chris began, “Pinkie would probably tolerate you more if you just washed up and brushed your teeth more often…”

“Does her evil know no bounds?!” Dan dramatically asked no one in particular.

“Yeah, she’s a real sadist, all right,” Chris said sarcastically. “Could you get dressed? I’ve got everything measured out. Though, it was pretty hard to concentrate through all the screaming.”

Dan got up and trudged to his bedroom. “…You think maybe she’d just stab me fewer times at this point?” He asked hopefully.

“After you threw a cupcake at her clothes?” Chris reminded with a cocked eyebrow.

Dan winced, then walked into his bedroom, closing it behind him.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 20 Pinkie Vs. Melancholy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 20 Pinkie Vs. Melancholy

Pinkie sighed and poked at her half eaten plate of marinara sauced pasta.

“Still thinking about Dan?” Elise said, looking up from the steak she was cutting.

The two shared a cozy booth in a dimly lit restaurant. From the booth, they could look out a large window into a vast expanse of a parking lot and a mall. The parking lot was quiet, if one discounted all the police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, trucks that were literally on fire, and people rioting.

“No…well…yeah…sorta…” Pinkie admitted.

“I’m amazed you put up with him at all. You have the patience of a saint to share living quarters with that man. Especially in that tiny apartment.” Elise brought a fork full of barely cooked steak into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “I mean…I would have killed him within a week…”

“Erm…sorry Elise, but I’m not sure you’re a great metric here…”

Elise thought about this. “Well…yeah, I mean…I’ve killed for far less than anything Dan’s done to me…or Chris…” Elise leveled her fork in Pinkie’s direction. “…or you.”

“Uh, Elise? You’ve got a little something…” Pinkie rubbed a spot next to her own mouth.

Elise grabbed her napkin and daintily dabbed a little red trickle from the corner of her mouth. “Better?” she asked with a smile.

Pinkie matched the smile. “You got it.” Pinkie’s expression went thoughtful again as she rested her elbow on the table, and her head on her fist. “It’s just…when we go out we have so much fun! Just, the best! I mean…okay…things tend to get destroyed whether we intend for that to happen or not…and sometimes people get hurt… whether we intend for that to happen or not. But I always have such a blast when I go out with him…oh, and I know he has fun, too! You should just hear the laughter that comes out of him when we’re driving away from a restaurant or if we started a fire... or if we’re driving away from a restaurant we accidently set on fire…” Pinkie looked back at Elise. “He does things with me none of my other friends would even dream of doing! Heck, they’d probably try to talk me out of it! Not Dan though.” Pinkie glanced away again and began to speak in a maternal tone, “It’s never… ‘No Pinkie, you can’t fire me out of a cannon at hornets.’, or ‘A burn ward probably isn’t the most appropriate place for a luau, Pinkie.’, and even ‘A missile projectile that explodes with glitter sounds dangerous!’” Pinkie looked back at Elise, and her face shifted to a big smile. “With Dan it’s ‘Wouldn’t using a catapult to lob the hornets’ nest be more effective?’, and ‘I’m concerned we didn’t bring enough lighter fluid for the bon-fire.’...” Pinkie’s eyes went distant for a bit and her smile shifted to one of warm contentment. “’I think we need to adjust the gunpowder to glitter ratio a bit.’…”

Elise blinked a few times, not sure how to respond to what were almost certainly admissions of crimes. “Well…what about these other friends of yours?”

Pinkie sighed as her expression turned glum. “They're in another dimension.” She added sadly.

“Oh…right…” Elise said as she remembered that both Pinkie and Dan seemed to be sold on the idea that Pinkie had come from some sort of pony world…

Pinkie’s face lit up again. “But I can still talk to them! They’ve even met Dan.”

“Uh…really?” Elise answered, not sure what to make of that.

“Yeah!” Pinkie’s smile grew wider. “He even hit it off really well with a couple of them, and I think a few more are coming around to liking him, too!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“Wait…” Elise said, deciding to disregard the other dimension part for a bit. “They’ve met him, and some of them like him?!” Elise asked in a shocked tone.

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously. “Uh-huh! We actually all thought my friend Fluttershy would be terrified of Dan. Ohhhh….but he was so-so-so nice to her! She talked about Dan’s emotional issues with opening up to people, and he helped her with a ‘toxic relationship’ as Dan put it.” Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled at the memory.

“You’re telling me Dan, the guy who shares an apartment with you, talked about his feelings with a friend of yours and helped her out with her relationship?!” Elise said in disbelief.

“Oh, he was the most helpy-helpfulest-help giver I ever SAW!” Pinkie insisted.

Elise thought about this for a second. “Are you sure it wasn’t just some guy claiming to be Dan who looked a lot like him?” Elise asked with a raised eyebrow, the question an oddly likely explanation.

“Well…” Pinkie thought for a second. “He also kept calling one of my other friends a ‘nerd’ and flipped off a bunny, so I’m pretty sure it was Dan.”

“…Yeah, okay, that sounds like something Dan would do. So…today…” Elise continued.

Pinkie’s excited expression surrendered to her mopey, sad one. “Oh, I don’t know… I guess…” Pinkie paused trying to sort her thoughts out.

“I try to be super nice and friendly with Dan and even make yummy-lactose-free foods for him, but he often makes me feel like I’m intruding in his space at home…”

Elise struggled with telling Pinkie she should consider moving out.

She was just so happy looking talking about Dan 30 seconds ago…Also Dan seems to rope Chris into his schemes a lot less now that he can conscript Pinkie to help him…And when he does get Chris involved…

…Wow! I haven’t had to post bail for anyone in about a month!

“Elise?”

“Oh, sorry Pinkie.” Elise smiled, “I was just thinking about how much better things are now that you’re Dan’s friend.”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up, “REALLY?!” She asked excitedly, even tearing up a little.

Elise reached a hand over to her friend’s shoulder, “Really.” She reassured with a warm smile.

“Good.” Pinkie’s eyes went distant and her smile went warm once more. “It seems like almost every day with him turns into an adventure…maybe not always the adventure I wanted…but I’m used to that, too. It’s fun and exciting and maybe a little terrifying at times, but it’s sort of like how things were back at home. Being here with Dan…” Pinkie trailed off for a second and looked back at Elise. “…it makes me less homesick, somehow…” She said as tears welled up behind her eyes.

Elise dwelled on this for a bit.

I’m probably going to regret saying this, but…

“…I think Dan likes you, too.”

“I hope so…”

“No, I think he really does…I just don’t think he really knows how to express it with…well…anybody, really.”

Pinkie pondered this. “Do you think he’ll start being nicer to me?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

“Oh, I’m sure he will if he keeps on fearing you’re going to stab him repeatedly,” Elise said with a chuckle.

Pinkie’s expression went neutral. “Yeah…I just wish I could get through to him without threatening violence against him.”

“Take it from someone who's known Dan for far longer than she cares to remember: violence is often times the only language he understands.”

“Heh…yeah, I guess…”

A couple of armored SWAT vehicles pulled up, and fully armored SWAT personnel complete with riot shields poured out. Soon outside was filled with calls from megaphones asking the crowd to disperse, angry cries from rioters, and tear gas.

The two looked out with a detached level of curiosity, then went back to their meals.

“So, what kind of movie do want to see?” Elise asked.

Pinkie looked up to the ceiling with a “Hmmmmmmm…” tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Slasher flick,” she answered simply, looking back.

Elise paused mid-bite. “Pinkie, the last time we all went out to a movie like that, Dan’s and my ears started ringing you and Chris were screaming so loud.”

Pinkie quickly slurped a bunch of pasta, the red marinara sauce splattering up and all over her face. “I know, but I’m in a real mood to see some bloodshed tonight, for some reason,” Pinkie explained simply.

Elise went silent, and finally said, “...Uh, Pinkie? You’ve got a little something…” Elise moved her palm in a circular motion in front of her own face.

Pinkie grabbed her napkin and toweled away the red sauce she had just sprayed over herself. “Better?” She asked with a smile.

Elise matched her smile. “Much,” she answered.

A brick suddenly smashed through the window. A crazed, but otherwise normally dressed man draped his body through the now shattered window and screamed. “ALL IS VANITY!” Before a team of SWAT members wrestled him to the ground. Tear gas began to billow in through the shattered window.

Pinkie sighed and buried her face in both palms. “Just ONCE I’d like to buy several outfits of clothing and not have everyone make a big deal out of it.”

Elise reached into her purse and pulled out a couple of gas masks, handing one to Pinkie. “Here, put this on.”

Pinkie looked surprised. “You keep gas masks in your purse!?” she exclaimed.

“You know, I end up using them with surprising frequency,” Elise said, shrugging with both shoulders and her eyes.

Pinkie smiled. “Elise…I really miss my friends…but I want you to know that you’re all the best people I could ever hope to meet.” Pinkie donned her gas mask and smiled warmly at her friend.

“Thanks Pinkie, you too,” Elise said, smiling back as she put her own mask on.

“Dessert?” Pinkie asked, grabbing a thin menu and holding it up in front of her face plate.

A waiter with tears streaming down his face coughed and fled past the two women, tripping several times as he made his way to the exit. He was followed by the rest of the occupants of the restaurant.

Pinkie sat her menu down. “Or maybe not.”

“There’s a frozen yogurt place down the street. I don’t think it’s been vandalized or set on fire yet.”

Pinkie gasped. “Can I add my own toppings?!”

Elise stood and left a few bills on the table. “Absolutely!” she said with a smile and a nod.

“Yay!” Pinkie said, excitedly cupping her hands together and bringing them up to her mask.

Elise made her way to the exit as Pinkie giddily followed. Together, the two navigated the carnage and made their way back to the blue sedan.

Author's Notes:

4:20 Watch ponies every day.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 21 Dan Vs. Cake

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 21 Dan Vs. Cake

“Tasses gwreat!” Chris asserted.

Dan looked down at the dark, dark batter. “Are you sure?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Chris took another spoonful. “Yweah, its awwesome!”

Dan glared down at the batter.

“Chris, you’ve eaten things that weren’t strictly food.”

“There’s A LOT of things you can eat that aren’t food!” Chris proclaimed.

“ERAHG! You’re a horrible assistant! I have no idea if the batter is actually good or not, because you’ll eat anything even if it so much reminds you of food!” Dan shouted in frustrated anger.

Chris thought about this. “Yeah, you pretty much got my number there, all right.”

“And I can’t eat it, because it’ll poison me.”

“Well...” Chris began,”… I mean you’d live through eating cake batter. You may not live through being stabbed 37 times.”

“If it’s not right, I’m going to spend the evening getting intimate with the toilet while you basically just screw everything up again!” Dan cried.

“Heeeey! We still don’t know if I screwed it up the first time!” Chris complained.

Dan sighed. “Pack up the batter, frosting, and all the ingredients Chris. I need help from someone I’d hope I’d never be in their debt…"

With a concerned look on his face, Chris wordlessly began collecting the ingredients.

Chris looked out the passenger side window. “Ninja Dave!?” Chris asked with surprise in his voice. “He’s the one you don’t want to owe a favor to? Dan! We’re here at least once a week! Sometimes he still gives us free cookies just because he’s so happy we were partially responsible for him getting into the cookie business!”

Dan exited the car and looked at Ninja Dave’s cookie shop. A yellow and red building topped with a bitten cookie with a Ninjatō stabbed through it, all illuminated by street lights.

Dan furrowed his brow as determination set on his face. “I have sins I must face…”

“What sins?..DAN! Did you do something to Ninja Dave?!” Chris demanded.

“Oh…I don’t know…only tried to kill him!” Dan said, throwing his hand out into an open, upright palm.

“But…he got over that…and opened the shop. Remember?”

“No, not then…later…I marched right in and tried to take his life!” Dan said, a dead serious look on his face.

“What?! When was this? Was this with Pinkie?” Chris asked in confusion.

“No! We hadn’t even met her yet! Geez, Chris! Don’t you remember anything?!” Dan asked angrily.

Chris ransacked his memory, trying to think of times Dan might have ran afoul of Dave. “…Wait…are you talking about the time he gave you a cold and you tried to beat him with a stick?!” Chris asked, his surprise levels rising.

“Of course! You don’t just forgive a man for something like that!” Dan asserted, index finger pointed to the sky.

“Uh-huh,” Chris said with a touch of sarcasm, lowering his eyelids a bit. “Except Dave did forgive you. He even gave you free cookies for making you sick! After you feebly hit him in the head with a stick, too.”

“Feebly?!” Dan said, insulted. “WHY! The heavens shook! The earth HEAVED as I stuck a deadly blow against my foe's crown.” Dan announced dramatically.

“You could barely lift the stick up over your own head! Then he blocked your next” –Chris air quoted—“’deadly blow’ with a rolling pin and you two collapsed to the floor, too sick to continue!”

“Okay first! Shut up!” Dan leveled an index finger at Chris, “Second…uh… Shut up!” Dan refocused to the building and stood up straight. “It’s time to face my destiny.” He asserted as he walked to the door.

Chris rolled his eyes, “Need backup?” He asked flatly.

“No! I must do this…alone.” Dan said, his voice becoming little more than a whisper. He walked to the door and turned back to Chris.

“Grab the stuff, and…if I don’t make it, tell Pinkie…” Dan trailed off.

Chris looked concerned for a moment. “Yes, Dan?”

Dan pushed through his hesitation. “If I don’t make it…tell Pinkie…tell her that…that I’m going to HAUNT her FOREVER!”

Chris folded his arms. “Somehow, I doubt she’d mind…”

Dan took a deep breath and walked into the cookie shop.

Dave was behind the counter, red t-shirt covered by his apron. With oven mitts on, he opened up an oven and took out a cookie sheet. The shop was immediately filled with the smell of cinnamon and ginger from the gingerbread cookies that Dave had shaped into various martial arts poses.

Dave looked up from his cookie sheet. “Hey, Dan! The usual?” He asked in a friendly tone.

Dan ran around the counter and immediately dropped to his hands and knees. “Forgive me cookie-father! I have wronged you! And now I have no choice but to beg! Beg like a common house cockroach for your forgiveness! I know I come not in friendship, and that…if you help me…Someday, and that day may never come, you’ll call upon me to…”

“Dude? What are you talking about?” Dave asked with a confused brow, sitting his cookies down to cool. “We’re totally friends.”

Dan stood up. “We…we are?” he asked in confusion.

“I wouldn’t have even got this place if it weren’t for you guys! In fact…” Dave spun around, took off his oven mitts and grabbed a cookie out of the display case. “Here! Have a lactose-free chocolate chip cookie, on the house.”

“Uh…” Dan took the cookie, and took a bite “mmmm”ing to himself.

“SO! You need my help?” Dave’s face went serious, “Do you need me to kill someone?”

“Nwo" Dan answered through a mouthful of cookie, “I—” Dan swallowed the food in his mouth “—I need help baking.”

“Rats!.. I mean good, good…”

Chris walked in with a grunt, carrying a couple mixing bowls, on top of a large, brown box.

Dave smiled and waved. “Hey Chris! You can set that stuff down back here.”

Chris made a few more determined grunts as he trudged over and carefully laid down box, batter, and frosting.

Dave grabbed a high-kicking gingerbread man from the display case. “Here, Chris. Have a ninjabread man.”

Chris gleefully accepted the cookie and devoured it in a couple of quick bites.

“So…” Dave looked down at the mixing bowls. “What are you two trying to make?”

“I have to make a chocolate cake or my roommate is going to stab me 37 times with a chef’s knife,” Dan explained.

“Ouch, Dude…Wait, roommate?”

“Yeah, she’s been here. Girl, pink hair, couldn’t stop moving…or talking if her life depended on it?”

“Oh! That hot girl that’s always hanging off of you? I thought she was your girlfriend.”

“WHAT?! No, don’t be absurd! And…” Dan thought for a second. “Excuse YOU, but Pinkie is not ‘hot’.” Dan insisted with air quotes. “She has an obnoxiously adorable personality that’s attached to a full-figured, attractive body with a cute face.” Dan insisted.

Dave and Chris exchanged glances and broke out into roaring laughter.

“Hahaha…DUDE! You must have it BAD for her!” Dave insisted.

“What?! No, wait…I mean she wears stupid, pink clothes, and she smells nic--GIRLY!”

Dave wiped a tear away from his eye. “Hehe…sure Dan, whatever you say…” He eyed the cake batter suspiciously, grabbed a baking paddle, dipped it in the mixture, and then brought it up to his mouth to give it a taste. This was quickly followed by a “Blech!” and Dave turning to try to spit the taste out of his mouth. “How much chocolate is in this thing?!”

Dan paused, then glared up at Chris. “Chris…did you follow the recipe, exactly!?” he said accusatorily.

Chris nervously looked to the side and said, “Well…I may have added just a bit more chocolate…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “And when you say ‘little’ you mean…”

“…three times what the book says…”

“Chris, you can’t just play fast and loose with baking!” Dave insisted. “It’s an exact science!”

“I thought more chocolate meant more flavor!” Chris insisted.

Dave sighed and fished out some of the unsweetened baking chocolate from the box. He broke off a couple of small pieces and handed one to Chris, the other to Dan.

Chris chomped down on his bite. “Tastes great!” he insisted.

Dan eyed him suspiciously, and nibbled on his own. “BLECH!” Dan also tried to spit the taste out of his mouth. “What is this stuff MADE out of, extract of bitterness?!”

“Yeah, chocolate is like that without sugar.” Dave informed.

Chris raised his index finger. “Okay! Well, we’ll just add more sugar…”

“No, dude, you’re not listening!” Dave insisted. “You can’t just go adding and subtracting ingredients! You’ll throw off the whole texture of the cake!”

“What are you trying to do here?!” Dan demanded. “Do you want me to get stabbed?!”

“Hey! What am I, my wife?” Chris asked. His eyes went wide for a second, “Oh…I made myself sad…”

“Look guys…it appears you have everything we need. So, tell you what. I’ll help make the cake, but I need you guys to help me run the shop. Deal?” Ninja Dave proposed.

“Deal!” Dan said as he extended a hand. “Put it there, friend.”

Dave smiled and reached out to the shorter man’s hand and gave it a firm shake.

“Alright,” Dave began, “we’re going to have to start from scratch…wait…Chris, did you put extra chocolate in the frosting, too?”

“Uhhh…”

Dave sighed. “That’s a ‘yes’.”

Dan gave Chris’s arm a solid punch.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed.

Dave bent down and fished a recipe book out of a cupboard. He flipped through it until he found the recipe he was looking for, then handed the book to Dan. "You're going to start making these."

Dan looked over the recipe for lactose-free chocolate chip cookies. “But…I’ve never baked by myself before!” Dan whined out.

“Well, today you’re going to start! Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on you to make sure you don’t screw up. Just follow the recipe exactly.”

Dan sighed and set the open book out in front of him.

“Who knows...?” Dave continued. “Maybe you can make a few for your girlfriend next time.”

“SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!” Dan roared.

Dave shook his head with a chuckle. “Maybe she will be when you present her with a plate full of cookies you made yourself.”

Dan grumbled several obscenities under his breath and started checking cupboards for measuring cups.

“What do I get to make?!” Chris asked excitedly.

Dave turned to face him. “You are going to help me make this cake and sell some cookies. I’m not sure I can trust you not to eat everything before we’ve even made it.”

Chris sighed and hung his head. “Yeah, that’s probably a safe bet…”

“WHY DID YOU LET ME TALK YOU INTO SEEING THAT MOVIE?!” Pinkie screeched as Elise supported her trembling friend by letting Pinkie rest an arm around her shoulders.

“You SAID bloodshed!” Elise insisted.

“Yeah but…” Pinkie trailed off. “Okay, I have no idea what was going through my head at the time, but that was disturbingly horrifyingly-terrifyingly horrible! I’m going to have nightmares for weeks!”

Elise chuckled, Pinkie had been quiet for the first half of the movie, deadly quiet. However, as the carnage and body count of promiscuous teens increased, Pinkie’s killer façade began to melt into the hyperactive, frightened woman Elise was used to seeing at a bloody horror film. Towards the end of the film, Elise and the theatre were treated to a symphony of whimpers, shrieks, screams, and “NO! DON’T GO IN THERE!”s.

Still wide-eyed and dazed, Pinkie asked, “Do you think if I ask really, really, really nicely, Dan will let me sleep in the bed with him for a few days…weeks?”

Elise paused, wondering if Pinkie meant what Elise thought she meant, but remembered that the two had seemingly shared a furniture, pillow, and blanket fort for weeks with probably little more than some one-sided snuggling. “I suppose that depends on if he can survive being stabbed 37 times or not.”

Pinkie stopped walking, removed her arm from around Elise, and used her now free palm to cover her face. “Ulg…I can’t believe I even said that to him…”

“Well, he did push things pretty far this time,” Elise reminded.

“I know, but…”--Pinkie sighed--“I can’t stab Dan. He’s like my bestest friend in the whole wide world!” she insisted, throwing her arms and palms to the side.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine if you just tell him you forgive him.”

“No!” Pinkie insisted. “I have to make it up to him…” Pinkie’s shoulders slumped and she began to pout.

“What’s wrong?” Elise asked, turning to face Pinkie and lowering her head slightly to meet Pinkie’s blue eyes with her violet ones.

Pinkie sighed. “All the shops are closed now…or wrecked…or still smoldering.”

Elise grinned mischievously. “Oh…I think I can help you there…”

Elise held a black clad arm out, causing Pinkie to pause behind her. The parking lot was lit only by moonlight, starlight, and the occasional light from an emergency vehicle or flashlight from a SWAT team member. The air was still heavy with smoke and gas, cutting visibility further. This made getting close to the broken and smoking mall relatively easy, though SWAT personnel still patrolled the grounds, making the mall look like some sort of burnt-out police state.

Pinkie fidgeted nervously. At least Elise had a spare black jumpsuit she could wear, though it fit quite a bit tighter on her body than was comfortable.

Pinkie note: purchase my own sneaking around spy gear…Ooh! With night vision goggles… I can’t believe I didn’t think about it before! It seems like I’m sneaking around every other day here…

Elise was wearing much more loosely-fitting black robes, with the leggings and sleeves secured with black leather wraps. A long red scarf sat around her neck and under her gas mask.

Elise silently motioned to a couple of SWAT members who were standing watch.

Pinkie nodded and held her position.

Elise reached into her robes and produced a small, spherical object. She lobbed it into a nearby overturned mall security car. Soon smoke was billowing out from the broken windows.

The two SWAT members rushed over to investigate, and Elise motioned Pinkie to follow as she quietly rushed towards the mall.

Pinkie followed, the red scarf that flapped and fluttered behind Elise making her rather easy to track at the close range.

Soon the two had arrived at a store which was relatively unscathed aside from the broken windows.

Elise found a window suitably clear of broken glass, placed a hand on the frame, and nimbly swung her body up and over the window into the store, landing on her feet in a crouching position.

Pinkie did the same, minus the agility portion or the landing on her feet portion. She hit the ground with a thud and a startled “Ah!”

Elise quickly got Pinkie to her feet and hid her behind the wall, scanning outside to make sure no one noticed the sound. When it seemed all was clear, Elise pulled out a small flashlight and turned it on, illuminating a store full of games, dolls, stuffed animals, and neatly packaged action figures.

Elise glanced over to her friend. “Where to?”

Pinkie smiled. “Action figures, please!”

Elise scanned the aisles with her flashlight. “Alright, let’s go.”

“Dan, I know this cake is your ‘salvation’…but if I don’t get a slice, I’m going to be the one who stabs you 37 times!” Chris said through a determined glare.

Dan stood in front of the finished cake, arms and legs spread wide trying to block Chris’s path. Dan gritted his teeth.

That food crazed idiot ate his body weight in cookies and he still wants more... I guess he did help make it… And he’ll certainly at least attack me to get a slice.

An image of the two fighting until the cake landed on them flashed through Dan’s head. Followed by an image of Pinkie coming home to see the two covered in cake, messing up the pristine apartment. This was followed by the image of a Pinkie with a crazed look in her eye, an ambulance, and a coroner looking over his body while dictating “Cause of death appears to be 37 stab wounds.” into a voice recorder.

Dan sighed, and got out a fork, plate and large knife, cutting a small slice and placing it on the plate.

“That’s it?!” Chris said with equal parts surprise and disappointment.

“Hey! If Pinkie is mad that we cut into the cake before she gets here, I’m pointing her in your direction,” Dan informed irritably.

Chris’s expression and mood shifted immediately. “This will do!” he announced with a nervous smile as Dan handed him the plate.

Dan turned back to the cake with a thoughtful expression.

“Hey monkey face. Start cleaning up when you’re done eating.”

Pinkie waved at the blue sedan and said about her dozenth “Thanks again!” for the night.

Elise waved from the car as Pinkie bounded up towards the apartment, arms full of bulging clothing bags.

Once she got up the stairs, she saw a familiar, tall individual walking towards her.

“Hey Chris!” She said, stepping to the side to allowing him to pass. “You two do alright?” She asked.

“Hey Pinkie. You’ll just have to see for yourself.” Chris said with a smile.

Pinkie made an excited “Eeee!” sound as she bounded to the apartment. She dropped a few bags, threw open the door, and entered with an excited “Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! WHaaaa…” as she slipped on the still moist floor, crashing to the ground. The hard impact caused the flour in the cupboard to teeter forward; it landed directly on the chocolate cake, exploding brown chocolate frosting, cake, and flour all over the kitchen area. Pinkie tried to scramble to her feet, reaching for the oven, grabbing two knobs and accidently turning on the gas on two burners as her hands felt for a hand hold to lift her up. As she raised her body up, she shifted her palms on the knobs to 'ignite' causing the fresh layer of flammable flour to flame up in front of her.

Pinkie fell backwards into her bags of clothes and attempted to process the fiery blaze in front of her.

In a matter of seconds, she heard the sound of a fire extinguisher going off, quenching the flames.

Dan walked over to the stove and turned both knobs to the 'Off' position.

Pinkie dove into one of the bags and held a rectangular object in front of her, screaming “Not in the face!” hoping the item would shield her from Dan’s oncoming wrath. She felt the item being gently pushed aside with an index finger and her fearful, sky-blue eyes looked into the surprisingly calm, emerald-green eyes of her roommate’s.

“Is this a deluxe edition Population Control Johnny action figure complete with machine gun, chain-saw, and hack-saw?” Dan asked in an even tone.

Fear still plastered on her face, Pinkie forced a smile and nodded with an affirmative “Ummm-hmmm!”

“For me?” Dan asked hopefully.

Pinkie nodded with more vigor and added, “Ummm-hmmm! Ummm-hmmm!”

Dan smiled warmly and held out a hand, helping Pinkie to her feet.

“How’d you get to the fire extinguisher so fast?” Pinkie asked.

“Monkey face spilled a bucket of water while he was cleaning up. I figured you slipping and making a fiery mess somehow was less a possibility and more an inevitability,” Dan explained.

Pinkie whimpered and her lower lip quivered as she examined the chocolate cake that was now sitting under several pounds of scorched flour.

Dan walked over to the fridge and produced a plate, and held it out in front of his roommate’s face.

Pinkie gasped at the fork, large slice of chocolate cake, and cookie sitting on top of the plate. She turned to Dan as tears welled up behind her eyes. “You…you…saved me a slice?”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “Like I said, I knew you’d make a mess of things.”

Pinkie’s mouth exploded into a toothy smile that made an audible 'squee' sound. She took the fork, dug into the cake, and took a large bite of cake and frosting into her mouth. Her pupils dilated as she announced “Perfect!” She leaned down and planted a peck on the cheek of her roommate.

Dan recoiled slightly and rubbed a hand over his cheek, turning his hand to show Pinkie had also planted some, toxic in Dan’s eyes, cake and frosting on him.

“Whoops! Let me get that for you…” Pinkie set her plate down, produced a small handkerchief from her pocket, spit into it, and began rubbing the chocolate off of Dan’s face.

“Eww! EWW!” Dan protested. “What is it with you and sharing body fluids with me?!”

Pinkie gave Dan a wry grin.

“NO! Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” Dan insisted as he waved his arms out in front of him.

Pinkie smiled and looked at the cookie, taking it into her hand. She examined it carefully and her eyes went wide and she inhaled a large volume of air. “Dan, did you make this?!” she asked in a shocked tone.

Dan smiled proudly. “Yep…well…Ninja Dave helped…a little.”

Pinkie gave her roomie a knowing grin. “I take it he helped with the cake, too.”

Dan sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “More like made the whole thing while Chris bumbled around and I made cookies…”

Pinkie took several bites and quickly devoured the cookie with an excited “Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!”

“Dan, this is sooooo good!” Pinkie cooed.

Dan just smiled.

Soon Pinkie had finished her cake slice as well. Her happy expression quickly fell as she examined the kitchen and realized it was a burnt, chocolaty mess, still covered with flour in many places. She gave an exasperated sigh and turned to her roommate. “Bail?” She asked, grabbing her pink bag.

Dan nodded. “Bail.” he replied, snagging his car keys from the counter.

The two made their way to the door, Pinkie looping an arm around her roommate’s as the two exited into the slowly cooling California night.

Pinkie leaned in close and gave her roomie a good sniff. “You smell, nice.” She said with a smile.

“You smell like…” Dan took a big sniff “…tear gas?”

Pinkie laughed nervously. “I had a lot of clothes to replace…”

“Yeah…sorry about that…” Dan said. “Though, now I’m more sorry I didn’t go to the mall with you…”

“It was only fun if you like riots.”

Dan shrugged. “Who doesn’t enjoy a good riot?”

“Err…Dan?..” Pinkie began tentatively.

“Hmmmm?” Dan replied.

“Erm…can I share the bed with you for a few days…weeks?” Pinkie asked hopefully, fluttering eyelids at her roommate.

Dan sighed. “What is it this time…”

“Elise and I kinda saw a scary movie…”

Dan grumbled under his breath. Great... days if not weeks of sharing the bed with a fidgety, whimpering Pinkie Pie who's going to us me as some sort of comfort teddy bear. “Fine!” Dan said irritably. “But I get the side next to the wall. Falling out of the bed hurts.”

Pinkie gave a short and victorious “Yay!” Then followed up with, “You’re the bestest, most awesomest guy ever, Dan!”

Dan smiled smugly. “Yeah, I know…”

Pinkie released Dan as he unlocked first passenger side, than driver side doors.

“Where to?” Dan asked as the roommates synchronized getting into the car and buckling up.

Pinkie put an index finger to her chin. “Hmmm…Not much is open this late…”

Dan grinned evilly. “Lenny’s is always open…” he suggested.

“Reeeaaaally?..” Pinkie purred in response with a sly grin.

Dan’s grin widened. “Baby, You, me, a turkey sandwich, a late breakfast, and maybe a big plate of French toast… I keep wondering if we can shape the slices into boomerangs so they’ll arc back when thrown at an angle…”

Pinkie gasped. “That’s brilliant! Dan, we HAVE to make that happen!”

“Iknowright?!” Dan responded.

The red hatchback sped off down the street, approaching what was most certainly going to be more food based mayhem.

Author's Notes:

Revised.

Thanks still go out to MythrilMoth who is being the man about correcting this early chapters.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

Dan stirred from under the bed covers and sat up, groggily coming to his senses. The bright California sun was shooting into his bedroom in bright strips of light through the space between his window blinds.

Once again, he was surprised to find the other half of the bed empty. Especially since his roommate had spent the night next to him tossing, whimpering, and waking him up to explain in gory detail the gruesome murder she got to play victim in in her nightmare for the seventh night in a row.

“…Pinkie?” He called out tentatively, sure the bathroom door would fly open and he’d be tackle-glomped again.

“Meow” was the only reply as Mr. Mumbles trotted into view and jumped on the bed, a note of some sort carried in the mangy grey cat’s mouth.

Dan took the note and absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as he read it. Elck... She wrote it in her pink glitter Pen of course, and even dotted each 'i' with a ridiculous heart. At least it's legible, I wonder how much time she had to put in to accomplish that herculean feat.

'To the bestest, most super, roommate in the whole wide world,

Went grocery shopping.
Love,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. Take a shower and brush your teeth, OK?'

And of course that last sentence warranted another giant, gaudy heart. Well, at least she didn’t draw a knife through it…

…

Just my luck I’d end up sharing living space with the only person on the planet who’s capable of threatening potentially lethal violence one moment and at the mercy of a cheesy slasher-flick the next…

Dan looked towards the bedroom entrance, which was kitty-corner from the bathroom entrance, and sighed. Well, she hasn't threatened me recently, but she seems to take sadistic glee in playing a doting mother... I mean... I think that's what she's doing. Mom never cared what I did so long as I was chained up for the most part... Still it's either wash up or have her threaten to do it for me. And if I avoid brushing my teeth she's going to stand behind me and physically assult my mouth with that painfully spiky brush and burning mint-flavored toothpaste.

…I could just escape the apartment for the day…of course, she’d probably just make me shower and brush my teeth when I get back. And I have been missing lots of high quality TV with all this trying to avoiding her…

Dan grumbled irritably to himself. I can't believe she's somehow made torturing myself in the bathroom the sensible decision! He walked over to his dresser and nabbed a change of boxers, some socks, a black “JERK” shirt, and jeans.

Dan opened the bathroom door and stepped out into what was essentially the living room of the tiny apartment. His breath was still shallow from the self-inflicted torture of removing plaque. Perspiration and water from his still damp hair covered his face and dampened the collar of his shirt a bit.

He looked up to notice Pinkie had returned and was grinning widely at him.

Dan scowled at back at her, recognizing Pinkie's smile as a mixture of happiness and amusement.

Pinkie was dressed in her red, floral shirt, rolled up denim shorts, and light pink flats with a set of two blue and one yellow balloon per shoe. She stood in the kitchen next to an open brown bag and a couple more that had been neatly folded and set to the side.

Pinkie giggled to herself as she poured herself a rainbow assortment of 'Fruity Circles' into a plastic bowl from a red cereal box, “Congratulations on surviving the deadly medley of shower gel and toothpaste. Thanks for not making me force good sanitation habits on you, today,” she said closing her eyes and smiling warmly.

Dan shot her a glare. “How can I force you to clean me?” he demanded. “Your bizarre compulsion to get me to smell like I was assaulted by a minty sandalwood plant elemental is hardly my fault.”

“Err…sorry.” Pinkie said, her expression going a bit more serious. “I really meant it…thank you,” she said with wide, honest skyblue eyes.

“Whatever,” Dan said dismissively, walking over to the fridge. “What you get?”

“Oooo! Oooo! I got a cantaloupe, watermelon, some oranges, apples, lettuce, milk, cheese…”

“You stocked my fridge with poison and unnecessary food groups?!” Dan said as he threw his arms out to the side.

“I’m pretty sure fruits and vegetables are necessary if you don’t want to die of malnutrition, somehow,” Pinkie responded, putting a ponderous index finger on her chin as she looked towards the ceiling.

“Well, maybe I do want to die of malnutrition!” Dan said, folding his arms.

Pinkie put a pout on her face. “What if I don’t want you to die of malnutrition?”

“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met, you know that?”

Pinkie frowned and sighed. I guess forcing Dan to eat something besides a vegetable free hamburger or turkey sandwich is something I'll have to do today...

Dan opened the fridge and began taking stock of the various items Pinkie had just stocked it with. “WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!” He demanded, pulling out a light green stalk with equally green branches and darker green flower heads.

“That treachery is also known as ‘Broccoli’,” Pinkie answered, casually pointing at the green item in Dan’s hand.

“You know how I feel about broccoli!”

“I know you created and were almost eaten by a giant broccoli monster. I figured this could be your way of getting revenge on broccoli kind,” Pinkie explained with a smile.

“Oh, no! I won’t have you trick me into eating empty calories by appealing to my sense of justice.”

“Danny, I’m pretty surey broccoli is likey the completely opposity thingy of empty calories…ees.”

“DON’T CALL ME ‘DANNY’! Also, broccoli is highly triggering for me. I mean it. I’m triggered. You triggered me Pinkie. Way to go.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Yes, I can see that…”

“DON’T YOU DARE MAKE LIGHT OF MY TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE!”

Pinkie motioned out to Dan. “Dan, your life is a series of traumatizing experiences!" She motioned to herself. "MY LIFE is now a series of traumatizing experiences! I…” Pinkie stopped, extended her arm, and took a deep breath.

Maybe a different stratagem will work…

“Dan, please eat some broccoli, for me?” she asked. She fluttered her eyelashes, puffed out her lips, and looked at Dan with wide, sad-looking sky-blue eyes.

“I’ll eat it if you agree to eat some meat,” Dan said, finally smiling, but not the type of smile Pinkie was hoping for.

Pinkie’s shoulders slumped and her expression changed to a defeated look. “Dan…you know I’m still working out my feelings on that.”

Dan shrugged, sly grin still coating his face. “If you’re going to cut a food group out of your diet, I don’t see how you can expect me to live up to some ridiculously high standard you yourself won’t abide by,” Dan said smugly.

Pinkie brought both palms up to her temples and ruffled her hair in frustration. “Fine! Don’t eat the stupid broccoli! I’ll eat it.”

“No! I don’t even want this thing in the apartment!” Dan declared. He quickly opened the door to the apartment and lobbed the broccoli outside, nailing a cyclist in the face and causing said cyclist to lose control of his bike and crash into a red hatchback.

“My car!” Dan exclaimed. He wheeled around on Pinkie, accusatory finger at the ready. “YOU DID THIS!”

Pinkie put her forearms up and held up open palms as she rolled her eyes. “Yes Dan, you caught me. Buying broccoli was an elaborate ploy to have an irritating fight with you complete with you assailing a bicyclist with a vegetable so he would crash into your car,” she answered sarcastically.

Dan furrowed his brow angrily at his roommate. He took note of the bowl of dry cereal she had set down next to her. Reaching back into the fridge, he grabbed a full gallon carton of milk.

“Dan! Don’t…” Pinkie began to plead.

Without any hesitation, Dan lobbed 8 pounds of milky, plastic wrapped projectile out into the street, hitting a second cyclist that had stopped to check on the first and knocking both cyclist and bike into the car while exploding milk over the pair and red hatchback.

“What’s with all the cyclists around here?” Dan asked irritably. “Don’t they know this is a dangerous neighborhood?” He paused and his eyes widened slightly as he heard a “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…” that was slowly rising in volume.

He turned to see his roommate fixing him with a glare.

Expecting her to utter a number, Pinkie fished out a small, plastic bottle of two percent milk from the brown bag next to her instead. “Luckily, I had prepared for the possibility of a Dan level temper-tantrum.”

“Don’t you pour that milk!” Dan demanded, violently pointing at the offending bottle.

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “You mean…this milk?” Pinkie unscrewed the top of the bottle. Holding the bottle in one hand she bit down on the foil seal and held it over the bowl.

“Don’t you dare pour that milk!” Dan closed the door to the apartment and took a few steps closer to his roommate.

“Oh…I’m pouring.” Pinkie said as she tipped the bottle slightly.

“Pinkie! Don’t…”

Without hesitation, Pinkie poured 8 ounces of milky liquid onto her cereal.

Dan uttered an irritated “Gah!” and held his hands up in angry claws at face level.

Pinkie giggled to herself and looked back to the bowl of cereal. Her smile fell as she realized she was missing something.

Dan’s evil, toothy grin surfaced as he patted the flatware drawer next to him.

Pinkie lifted the cereal bowl and raised it to her determined looking face.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t.”

“I used to devour entire collections of cakes without a fork in sight.” Pinkie grinned slyly. “Do you reeeeaally think I’m scared of getting a little milk on my face?” she purred.

“Pinkie, if you put that cereal in your mouth, I will attack,” Dan said. He resolutely added, “I bite.”

“Oooooh…bet you don’t bite as hard as meeee~.” Pinkie responded in a sing-song tone.

Dan focused his emerald eyes on his roommate’s sky-blue ones.

Pinkie’s teeth gritted.

The two roomies had a tense sta--
Pinkie buried her face in the bowl and began devouring cereal with an audible “Om-nom-nom-nommy-nom-nommy-nom-nom.” Getting cereal and milk everywhere.

Dan gave off an angry roar and charged his roommate. He was short but scrappy while his roommate was a bit taller... and equally scrappy.

One tackle later: Dan, Pinkie, and moist cereal were a heap on the floor.

Dan immediately brought his milk soaked body to its feet. “Ghaaaaaaaaaa! Unclean!” He announced, running towards the bathroom.

“Dan, wait!” Pinkie called out after him. “I didn’t want to…”

SLAM

“… fight.” Pinkie finished softly.

The sound of the shower running emanated from the bathroom.

Mr. Mumbles bounded up to the mess on the kitchen and began lapping up milk.

Pinkie sighed and surveyed the damage. Her shirt and shorts were covered in milk and cereal, as was the kitchen. It would go down in apartment history as one of the cleanest battles the two had ever fought.

Dan threw open the door and emerged, fully clothed and sopping wet. He angrily trudged towards the apartment door.

“Dan! Stop! At least let me…”

SLAM

“…say ‘sorry’,” Pinkie finished softly.

“Mew?” Mr. Mumbles said, looking up at Pinkie Pie with large, green and black eyes.

Pinkie sighed and bent down to take the cat into her arms; Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

“He’ll come around,” she assured to herself as much as to Mr. Mumbles.

Mr. Mumbles licked at the milk on Pinkie’s face in response.

Pinkie giggled as the rough cat tongue dragged across her cheek.

She thought back on something Dan said earlier.

“Meat, eh?” she said to herself. “I wonder if Twilight…”

Dan ran towards the stairs, slipping on his wet socks as he descended, and tumbling half a dozen steps before landing hard on the concrete below.

He raised to his feet, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning

Dan parked his red hatchback and stepped out towards the red roofed, adobe house of Chris and Elise. The short drive in the bright Southern California day having dried his clothes only slightly, leaving him still rather soaked. He quickly exited his car, stormed up the walkway, threw open the door, and announced, “Enough is enough! I want her out!” to a collection of furniture that was obscured by a number of blankets and sheets suspended from the ceiling.

Dan paused as he examined the structure inside a structure in front of him.

“Want who out?” A male voice called out. “Elise? She kinda lives here.”

“Hey, what animals you choose to keep in your house is your business!” Dan replied.

"I heard that!" Elise called back in a warning tone.

“GOOD!” Dan retorted “… Look Chris! Can you come out here? I need ideas…and bees.”

“…”

“Mostly bees.”

One of the blankets was pushed aside to reveal Chris’s smiling face. “Why don’t you come in here?”

Dan gave an exasperated “Fine!” and trudged into the furniture/bedspread structure.

“Hi, Dan,” Elise said from the blue couch with a small smile from behind a cup of steaming tea. “… What are you drenched with?” she asked, examining the short man as her face went neutral.

“Water. What does it matter?”

“Well, you often end up covered in something unpleasant, and I’d rather not have to clean anything just because you stopped by,” Elise explained.

“Sorry!” Dan answered snidely. “Wouldn’t want to mess up your… whatever all this is!”

“It’s Fort Chrilise! Isn’t it awesome?” Chris asked enthusiastically.

“First of all, it looks more like a tent. Second of all, ‘Chrislise’? That’s the best you could come up with?!” Dan asked, throwing his hands out.

“Right, because ‘Fort Dan Pie’ was a stroke of genius,” Chris responded, rolling his eyes.

Dan glanced at Elise. “I can’t believe you actually agreed to this!”

Elise smiled again and shrugged. “It was fun! And it’s kinda cozy in here,” she said, fondly regarding her surroundings. She took a small sip of tea. “Anyhow… why do you need bees?”

“I already told you!” Dan insisted.

Elise creased her brow. “I don’t think you did.”

“Chris, couldn’t you have married someone who pays attention? Or better yet, not have gotten married at all?”

Elise sighed. “Thank goodness you reminded me what you’re like when Pinkie’s not around. I was beginning to think you were tolerable…wait…” Elise's face changed to a worried look.

Chris smacked a palm on his face. “Dan, don’t tell me you’re planning to unleash bees on Pinkie.”

“Okay…I won’t tell you that,” Dan said with a shrug.

“DAN!” Elise said sternly. “If you hurt her, I’ll see to it personally that you’re rendered incapable of harming another person again.”

“I’m sorry, was a vague threat supposed to scare me?” Dan asked.

Elise cocked her head slightly. “I can get graphic.”

“Dan,” Chris began, “there are a number of reasons why attacking Pinkie with bees is a bad idea.”

Dan paused, “I’m listening…”

“A...”

“You said ‘number’, that was a letter,” Dan interrupted.

Chris ignored him and continued, “Attacking Pinkie with bees definitely violates the ‘Dan shall not physically harm Pinkie Pie directly or indirectly’ agreement.”

“Oh, come ON! She’s not allergic…probably…” Dan said, rubbing his chin. “She’d be fine…eventually,” he insisted.

“B…”

“Puns aren’t funny, Chris,” Dan replied.

“FINE! 2…”

“Wait, now you’re mixing letters and numbers. Can we start over?”

Chris uttered a frustrated “Gah!” and resorted to listing things on his fingers. Holding up two, he continued, “Gathering bees means a high probability of the gatherer being stung.”

Dan smiled. “That’s why I have you, buddy.”

Chris narrowed his eyes and held up a third finger. “I’m not doing it.”

“Fine! More honey for me,” Dan replied.

Chris paused.

“CHRIS!” Elise called out. “We have honey.”

“Oh, right…” Chris held up a fourth finger. “She might retaliate…violently.”

Dan went silent. He’s got a point…and so does Pinkie. Except her point is at the end of 8 inches of sharp metal…

Chris held up a fifth finger. “Finally, she’s probably the only person on the planet who might anticipate you attacking her with bees and have a beekeeper's suit at the ready.”

“I…" Dan trailed off as he considered this. "Okay, that’s also a pretty valid point,” Dan admitted.

“So, no bees?” Chris asked with raised eyebrows.

“Let’s just call it Plan ‘B’,” Dan said chuckling to himself.

Chris folded his arms, pursed his lips grumpily, and rolled his eyes.

“Why do you even want to attack Pinkie with bees, anyhow?” Elise asked with a knitted brow.

Dan turned to her. “This last week at the apartment has been a living nightmare!” he asserted.

Elise sipped her tea. “For you, or Pinkie?” she asked with a smile.

Dan shot her a glare. “I’ll have you know she’s subjected me to daily tortures!”

Elise and Chris glanced at each other, both remembering that Dan had a tendency to push Pinkie into a rather dark place.

“What kind of tortures?” Chris asked, with a hint of skepticism.

Pinkie pushed her roommate into the bathroom. “You’re having a shower and that’s FINAL!” She shrieked as she closed the door behind Dan.

“I already told you, I smell fine!” Dan shouted through the hollow core door.

“And I already told you that you smell like plot!” Pinkie shot back.

“.... What?” Dan replied.

“YOU HEARD ME!” Pinkie decreed.

“Well, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I understood you…”

“Start cleaning yourself, or I’m coming in there to do it for you!” Pinkie threatened.

“You wouldn’t…”

“Try me,” Pinkie purred, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

The sound of running water was heard from the bathroom, followed quickly by labored moans.

“…Dan, have you even stepped into the shower yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!”

Dan wailed and whimpered as Pinkie stood behind him, running a toothbrush over his teeth.

“You know,” Pinkie began, “We’d be done already if you just sat still. And this would go a lot quicker if you just did it yourself…”

Dan swatted the offending brush out of his mouth, “Ah-HA! So that’s your game! You’re trying to condition me into performing this tortuous act on myself!” Dan said accusingly. “Well, I won’t be your dog anymore, Pavlov!” Dan made a quick dive for the bathroom door as Pinkie casually reached out and snagged the collar on his shirt, pulling him back into position between her and the sink for the umpteenth time.

Dan stared irritably at her reflection in the mirror in front of him.

“Now say, ‘ah’,” Pinkie said, holding the brush in front of Dan’s face.

Dan sighed, rolled his eyes, opened his mouth, and continued his wailing and whimpering as Pinkie continued to brush his teeth.

“WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!” Dan demanded, angrily motioning to the bowl in front of him.

“Fruit salad,” Pinkie said nonchalantly.

“Wow! You’ve managed to create the opposite of high concept! You’ve combined two things that no one likes and…”

Pinkie quickly scooped a spoonful of soft, chopped fruits and deposited them into Dan’s open mouth.

“GHAK!” Dan swallowed the soft material and immediately began coughing and making choking noises.

“I…I’ve never felt so violated in my LIFE!” Dan’s expression contorted into fury and he turned to face his foe who had forced fruit inside his face. “How DARE…”

Pinkie inserted another spoonful of fruit into Dan’s mouth, causing Dan to go through another round of coughing and choking.

Dan began to tear up a bit. “Just…sob…just stop…you’re evil…and cruel…and…” Dan quickly found speaking difficult as Pinkie shoveled more fruit into his mouth.

Dan looked back and forth between Chris and Elise with large, sad eyes. Hoping for some amount of sympat…

Chris and Elise broke into fits of laughter.

“I knew you two sadists would take her side!”

“Dan…” Chris began, in between giggles, “… hehe…Forcing good hygiene and... heh… dietary habits on you hardly counts as torture.”

“Oh yeah! Well I’m also forced to deal with her cluelessness on a daily basis.”

Dan leaned against his car and absentmindedly watched the numbers on a gas pump tick upwards. This was followed by a loud ‘click’ as the numbers stopped. He grabbed the gas nozzle, removed it from his car, and sat it back on its gas-pump perch. He glanced up at the gas station.

What is taking that girl so…

Suddenly, the door to the station flew open and Pinkie sprinted back to the car.

“Pinkie? Wha…”

“THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!” Pinkie cried as others also fled the gas station. “GET IN THE CAR AND LET’S GO, GO, GO!”

Being an expert at fleeing potentially dangerous or illegal situations, Dan quickly entered the car, buckled up, and started the engine.

Pinkie, likewise, entered and buckled up as Dan put the car into drive and raced away from the pumps.

“Now, do you mind explaining to me what that was…” Dan was cut off by the sound of multiple explosions. He looked into his rear view mirror to see the gas station engulfed in flames.

Surprise quickly seized Dan’s expression as he turned to his passenger, who was sporting a large, nervous grin.

“So ummm…You know how they say ‘you learn something new every day'?’” Pinkie asked.

“That is a phrase I’m familiar with, yes.” Dan replied.

“Well…today I learned you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave,” Pinkie said, maintaining her nervous grin.

There was an audible ‘smack’ as Dan brought his palm up to his face.

“Oh! Oh! Can I visit the animals?” Pinkie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

Dan grabbed a shopping basket and starting walking towards the section in the pet shop marked 'Cats'. “Go nuts,” he replied in a bored tone.

Pinkie flashed a toothy smile and cupped her hands together, raising them to her chin as she bounded off into the store.

Dan followed her with his eyes for a bit, shrugged, and continued walking towards the cat food aisle.

Pinkie approached a glass terrarium full of white mice. She glanced to her right, then left, leaned down close to the case, and putting a hand up to help muffle the sound, and said, “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will.”

One of the white mice looked up and blinked in rapid succession.

“Let’s see…that’ll be $23.75,” The store clerk read out, placing the last can of cat food into a sturdy-looking plastic bag.

Dan took out his wallet and counted the bills inside. Frowning, he looked up and called out, “Hey, Pinkie! Can I borrow--.”

Pinkie dashed into sight, followed by a menagerie of mice, ferrets, birds, lizards, and all manner of pet shop animals. “RUN DAN! Animal Prison break! FREEDOM FOREVER!” Pinkie declared, throwing both fists into the air as she made her way to the door.

“But I haven’t paid!” Dan protested. Oh wait, I rather not pay anyhow...

“NO DAN! Don’t support their totalitarian regime! We must strike against the oppressive animal aristocracy!” Pinkie announced as she held open the door for the myriad recently freed animals.

The shocked store clerk had no time to react as Dan reached for the bag full of canned cat food and clubbed the unsuspecting shop worker with the heavy bag of metal encased meat products across the head.

Pinkie continued to hold open the door as Dan ran past with his bag of cat food cans. “Vive la révolution!” She shouted into the store, slamming the door behind her.

Pinkie stood in front of a large, rectangular object as tears began to form in her eyes. Her sad face reflected back at her as she looked past the glass at various chips, candy bars, and other snack items arranged in neat rows.

Dan took note of his roommate’s troubled expression. Dan gave her an exasperated, “What is it now?”

Pinkie pointed at the object in front of her and sobbed out, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!”

Dan blinked a few times. “It’s a vending machine.” He reached into his pockets. “Here, I think I have…”

Pinkie snapped her fingers. “I got it! Metal Piñata!” She was gone in a pink flash, and back just as quickly with her pink crowbar, wearing a blindfold.

For one brief, shining second, Dan’s world was replaced with the sound of shattering glass, a pink crowbar, and the beautiful pink angel wielding it.

>-ooooooo-<

Dan stood motionless as his mouth hung ajar; His eyes were distant and glazed. His open mouth combined with his stare made it seem as he was in a catatonic, yet mildly euphoric state.

“Uhhh… Dan?” Elise asked.

Dan snapped out of his stupor. “Sorry, I went somewhere for a moment there…”

Chris eyes widened slightly. “So that’s why there were so many candy bars, packages of chips, and trail mix at the last Pinkie party,” he said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise regarded Dan with a raised eyebrow. “Really? Pinkie vandalized a vending machine without figuring out what it was first?”

“In her defense,” Dan began, “I did give her a 5-hour energy shot.”

Chris and Elise exchanged shocked expressions.

“Dan! Why would you even think to give her one of those?” Elise demanded.

Dan shrugged. “I had a vendetta against the Van Nuys Airport! I didn’t think I’d get away with bringing explosives. I figured hyping up Pinkie on chemicals was the next best thing.”

Chris paused. “So that’s why they had to shut down the airport for a few days.” He said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise knitted her brow. “Dan, can I see your list?”

Dan pulled out a slightly soggy notepad and handed it to Elise.

Chris sat down next to his wife as she flipped open a few pages. As usual, the notepad was full of random names, things, and esoteric concepts. What was unusual was most were crossed out, some crossed out with pink glitter pen complete with hearts, balloons, and a cheerful looking pony with curly hair doodled in the margins.

Elise and Chris exchanged another worried glance as Elise slowly handed the list back to Dan.

“Do you have any examples of things Pinkie has done that aren’t just things you would have done if you thought of them first?” Elise asked from behind her tea cup.

Dan went silent as he thought about this. “Not as such, no…” he admitted. “What’s your point?”

Elise shrugged. “I think living with Pinkie is really good for you!.. If really bad for everyone else…” Elise said, glancing to the side for a second.

“But, but…” Dan whined, “I used to make giant feasts of meat without having to listen to crying! And sit around in my boxers all day! And even blast music as loud as I want!”

“Gee Dan,” Elise responded, “I’m surprised you just don’t pick up your bad habits again and drive Pinkie out.”

Dan’s jaw dropped. “That’s a great idea! Thanks Elise!”

Elise’s eyes went wide, and she extended a hand out to signify 'stop'. “No wait, I--”

Dan was out of the furniture/blanket fort, and out of the house in a flash.

Elise’s hand dropped along with her expression.

“Oh, come on!” Chris said with a frustrated tone.

Elise sighed. “I know…”

“Whenever I come up with an idea, it’s ‘Glad I thought of it, Chris!’” Chris motioned to Elise with both hands. “But when you do it, it’s ‘Thanks Elise!’ Unbelievable!” Chris said, motioning to the sheet ceiling above him with an irritated expression.

Elise sighed as she brought her free palm up to her face.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux

Pinkie sat on Dan's bed as the warm rays of the sun shined in from a a nearby window. Though, the bed, as well as the room, being 'Dan's' was a distinction that had began to blur as Pinkie now spent her nights sleeping in the bed next to Dan. Additionally, the closest was full of her colorful clothing. Pinkie attention also meant the room was currently clean by normal standards, those standards being Dan's clothing, in states ranging from 'mostly clean' to 'mostly horrifying', lying in heaps all over the floor.

Pinkie had changed into her white raglan with blue sleeves and the heart on the center, pink skirt with balloons to match her cutie mark, and a light purple ribbon around her waist. Her feet clothed in socks dangled over the side of the bed.

Pinkie swallowed as she held her closed pink compact mirror in her hand. Well…if anypony can help me here, it’s Twilight…

Pinkie took a deep breath and opened the mirror. “Twilight?” She asked tentatively.

Twilight looked up from the collection of books spread out in front of her. “Oh! Hi Pinkie. What’s up?”

“Um…is Spike with you?” Pinkie asked.

Pinkie saw a purple claw wave at her from the side, followed by the rest of the baby dragon. “Hey Pinkie! What’s the haps?”

Pinkie smiled weakly. “Hi Spike…erm…is it just the two of you there?”

“Uh, yes Pinkie.” Twilight answered. She cocked her head slightly. “Do you need me to get somepony else?”

Pinkie waved her free hand back in forth in front of the mirror. “No, no, no, no, no, no. It’s just you two I want to talk to.”

Twilight and Spike exchanged confused glances.

“Sure Pinkie, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“Can I ask you two a kinda personal question?” Pinkie asked, her normal happy-go-lucky expression replaced with a serious one.

Twilight and Spike exchanged concerned looks.

“Uh….sure Pinkie…” Twilight said with a little apprehension in her voice.

“Do you two ever have trouble…sharing a house, together?”

Spike and Twilight’s expression softened to relief.

“Trouble with, Dan, huh?” Twilight guessed.

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah…”

“Why am I not surprised?” Twilight said with a smile, glancing up for a second.

“It’s just…well, when we’re out together we have so much fun, but when we’re at the apartment it seems like we’re fighting most the time…Does that ever happen with you two?”

“It might if Twilight could look up from her books for even two seconds to talk to me,” Spike said with a mischievous grin.

“Hey!” Twilight said, matching the grin. “At least I don’t commandeer the bath for hours at a time.”

“Heh. I’m surprised you even noticed.” Spike responded, his grin widening. “Did you schedule enough time to keep note of my bathroom time, or is it catalogued and recorded somewhere?”

“The latter, of course. It’s in the record book next to your sleep schedule,” Twilight said, grin also widening. “10 hours a night is a bit much, don’t you think?” she added with fake concern.

“Yeah well…” Spike pondered a retort for a second, “…at least I can dance without looking like I’m walking over burning coals.”

Twilight’s grin dropped. “Why you little…” She reached over and enveloped the small purple dragon in her forelegs, following up with a playful noogie.

“Stop! Stop!” Spike pleaded, quickly followed by giggles from both him and Twilight as the baby dragon tried feebly to pushTwilight away.

“Awww…” Pinkie said at the scene of her two friends play fighting. “Why can’t Dan and I be like that?”

Twilight and Spike paused, slight blushes coming to their cheeks as they remembered they had an audience. The two parted, and Twilight cleared her throat. “It just takes time, Pinkie. Spike and I have had lots of time to get used to each other and our little habits.” Twilight smiled. “You just got to let him know what things really bug you and figure out what habits you’ll just have to adjust to.”

“And not showering, brushing your teeth, or eating any fruits or vegetables..?”

Twilight’s smile dropped. “Those would fall under the former…”

Pinkie gulped, “Erm…Can I ask you two a really personal question?”

Twilight and Spike’s expression shifted back towards concerned. “Uh…of course, Pinkie,” Twilight responded.

“…Did either of you have a run-in with meat when you were at that human world?”

Spike and Twilight looked surprise for a second and then their expressions changed.

Spike stifled a guffaw.

Twilight’s went serious.

“Spike, lock the door,” Twilight commanded.

“Hehe…Sure Twilight.” Spike dashed out of sight.

Twilight looked back towards Pinkie. “What did you eat?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Pinkie considered the reactions of her two friends, especially Spike’s. “What did you eat?” she replied with suspicion in her voice.

“I asked you first!” Twilight said as her eyes narrowed.

“Well, I asked you second!” Pinkie retorted, her voice going shrill as she matched Twilight’s facial expression.

“Yeah, well…you came to me in the first place.”

“Well, you came to me in the second place!”

“Pinkie, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Uh…” Pinkie paused, then sighed. “Okay, you win… I…” Pinkie began to absentmindedly fidget with the hem of her dress with her free hand. “I had a few bites of a hamburger my first night here…”

Twilight blinked in response. “That’s it?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “That bad, huh?”

Spike popped back into view. “I think Twilight ate about a whole cow worth of meat,” he said with a giant grin.

“Spike! I did not...!” Twilight looked back at Pinkie with a nervous grin, her face flushed red. “…partially because not everything I ate came from a cow…”

Pinkie giggled. “Really? What you eat! Tell me, tell me!”

Twilight sighed. “Two burgers, a bacon burger, about a plate of bacon, a hotdog, and some sushi…”

Pinkie paused. “Twilight…you were in that other world for like… two days…”

Twilight threw her forehooves up. “I know! But it was soooo good, and I was so preoccupied with getting my crown back that I didn’t even think to ask what any of it was!” Twilight rubbed a hoof over her eyes. “First, I just got whatever Fluttershy was eating. Which, of course, meant I avoided any meat! But then I met everyone else, and they didn’t restrict their diets the same way…Heck, I’m pretty sure Applejack did eat about a cow’s worth of beef while I was there…”

“When did you figure it out?” Pinkie asked.

“Rainbow Dash got some chicken wings…it was kind of hard to deny that humans ate animals after that.”

Spike’s grin went full evil and he elbowed Twilight in the ribs. “Aaaaaaand?”

Twilight’s eyebrows and mouth gravitated towards each other in a crinkled frown. “I ate a chicken wing, anyways…” she admitted.

Pinkie covered her mouth and gasped. “Reeaallly?!”

Twilight looked up to the ceiling, raising her hooves to face level on either side of her head and gave them a shake. “I was in a strange world, and I was worried about getting an element of harmony back! I just sort of remembered that animals there couldn’t talk or hold complicated social events like dances or science fairs and rationalized that it was okay since I was human at the time…” Twilight slumped into a heap. “Am I a bad pony?” she asked sadly, looking up at Pinkie.

Pinkie shook her head. “You’re not a bad pony, Twilight! You’re a great pony! And I mean…maybe you’re right…animals here aren’t that smart…I tried to organize a revolution at a pet store, and I couldn’t even get the mice to wield the toothpicks I brought for them to use as spears!” Pinkie said, miming holding a toothpick with her free hand and making a stabbing motion.

Twilight paused. “Uh, right… Hey Pinkie?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

Twilight sat up and smiled again. “Thanks for being understanding. You have no idea how much better I feel.”

“Well, Spike understands, don’t you Spike?” Pinkie asked.

“I got to eat her scraps!” Spike said happily.

Twilight put on a slightly irritated look. “Spike didn’t seem to have much of a moral quandary about any of this…”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head with her free hand. “I wish I could just figure out my own quandary to get Dan to eat some vegetables.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked.

“Oh! Well, Dan said he wouldn’t eat fruits or vegetables as long as I wouldn’t eat meat, so…”

“I’m pretty sure he just said that to get out of eating whatever you were trying to give him, Pinkie,” Twilight replied.

“I know, Twilight,” Pinkie responded. “But I’m pretty sure I could convince him to eat them anyways if I call his bluff.”

“Really? How’s that?” Twilight asked skeptically.

“Oh…a girl has her ways,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.

Twilight’s eyes went wide for a second and she waved her forehooves in front of her. “Whoa, whoa, never mind. Forget I asked. So anyways,” Twilight continued, raising an eyebrow, “you’re saying if you eat meat, Dan suffers?”

“Prrrretty much, yeah,” Pinkie admitted.

Twilight put a foreleg across her chest and supported her other foreleg at the elbow, pointing it up towards her face. She rested half her face on the hoof. “I’m probably going to hate myself in the morning for this but…the Pinkie from the other world didn’t have any problems with eating meat.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “REALLY?! Do you think she rationalized it, too?!” she asked excitedly.

A corner of Twilight’s mouth pulled to the side as she briefly pondered this. “I think she was more of the ‘eat it and not really think about where it comes from’ type.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Yep, that’s me alright.” Pinkie stood up. “Thanks you two! You really helped me a lot!”

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend. “Thank you, Pinkie.”

“Bye Pinkie! Oh! Tell my Accidental Arson Bro that Spike says ‘hi’ for me, wouldja?”

Pinkie held a thumbs up in view of the mirror. “Will do, Spike.”

Pinkie started to close the mirror, but heard a “Pinkie, wait!” from Twilight.

“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie replied, opening back up the mirror.

Twilight leaned in close to her own mirror and held a hoof up on one side of her mouth, blocking her voice a bit from Spike. “When you get Dan to eat vegetables, can you maybe…take a picture of his face and show me later?” she asked with a small smile and blush.

Pinkie giggled and nodded. “Of course Twilight! In fact, I know someone else who’ll want to see that as well…”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh good, so it’s not just me then…”

“Dan kinda has that effect on people…and ponies, it seems,” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Heh, yeah I bet,” Twilight said with a smile. “Goodbye, Pinkie!”

“Goodbye, Twilight.” Pinkie shut the mirror.

Pinkie’s smile widened as she walked over to her closet, grabbed her blue boots, put them on her feet, and began lacing them.

Dan opened the apartment door and walked in, a couple of shopping bags in one of his hands. “Pinkie? I’m making lunch,” Dan said, finishing his sentence with soft, manical laughter. “Muahahahahaha…”

“... Pinkie?”

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles trotted over with another note.

Dan bent down and picked it up.

“To the bestest, most awesome, incredible, bestest, roommate in the whole wide world,

I’m sorry about earlier. (Pinkie had doodled a sad looking pony with pink, curly hair next to this sentence.)

I’ll be back soon, OK?
Love,

Pinkie Pie”

Dan’s already evil, wide grin grew eviler and wider.

Pinkie stared wide-eyed at the section of frozen foods as she paced up and down the aisle.

“Pro!” She said to herself. “Dan will get a number of essential daily vitamins,” she said with a smile.

“Con! Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown.

“Pro! Dan will be far less likely to die of any number of health complications later in life,” she said with a smile.

“Con…Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown and a sigh.

Pinkie stopped in front of the frozen vegetables and massaged her temples.

“Miss?” A stout man with balding brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes asked. “Are you alright? You’ve been walking up and down the aisle and talking to yourself for almost an hour now.”

“Oh! No, I’m not alright! My roommate refuses to eat fruits or vegetables, but I think eating them is really, really, really important and I don’t want him to die of malnutrition so I’m trying to make sure he eats some everyday, but this always results in a fight, and I mean, like…really, really bad fights where something gets throw, or destroyed, or set on fire in protest, and sometimes someone gets hurt. Not me or him though, always some innocent bystander who gets hit by something Dan throws out the door or window. Amazingly, it seems every time he throws something he hits someone and then they crash into something else and sometimes this will get really, really, really, really bad over the tiniest, littlest, smallest thing like the time he flicked some peanut skins out the car window and I think maybe a biker inhaled the skins or something because he suddenly lost control of his bike and caused a multi-car pileup behind us and this is just the sort of thing that happens every day with us and I’m kinda worried I’m getting desensitized, you know? And now I’m, like, doing highly illegal things without thinking twice, because that’s just what you do here. Something makes you angry and you just go on the warpath and I’m trying to make sure we don’t hurt anyone but it’s really hard when it’s like everything on this planet seems designed to cause pain or explode for no reason; so now say…when Dan sees something like a modern art sculpture made out of metal and it makes him just so mad that he pushes it over and it’ll just catch fire, like ‘fwosh’”—Pinkie brought her hands up and wiggled her fingers to simulate fire—“I don’t think ‘How the hay did that catch one fire!? It was made completely out of metal!’ No, I’m just like, ‘Yep. That’s on fire now. That’s just what happens here. You lightly tap something and it just catches aflame. Yep scary, scary.’ Except I’m not scared somehow! I just shrug, cross one more thing off the list and we go on our merry way and have lots of fun, and go get ice cream and sorbet because Dan can’t have milk or he’ll keel over into a ball and it looks really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, painful and I just feel so sorry for him…so what do you think I should do?”

“Ummm…well…eating right is important, but…”

“You’re RIGHT mister! Eating right IS important!” Pinkie resolutely opened the freezer door and pulled out a small bag of frozen broccoli. “I must feed this broccoli to Dan even if it means the complete and utter…probably nuclear, desolation of all life on this planet!” she added with strong determination in her voice. Pinkie smiled and waved to the stout man as she bounded off towards the checkout counters. “Thanks, recurring background character!”

The stout man stared blankly after her. “You’re welcome…I think…”

Pinkie bounded back to the apartment. As she approached the stairs, she recognized the smell of cooked meat, a smell she normally associated with fast food restaurants Dan would stop at. She smiled slightly and uttered an audible “Mmmmmm…”, the smell starting to conjure images of potentially tasty treats instead of brutally murdered animals that reminded her of her friends back in Equestria. She noted the smell was getting stronger the closer she got to the door of apartment ‘8’.

Ooh! Dan must be cooking something. I thought I was going to have to get him to take me to Burgerphile then fight with him to eat something when we got home. This’ll be easy-peasy.

Pinkie’s grin grew until it made an audible 'squee' sound as she clutched the grocery bag to her chest. She opened the apartment door and was immediately hit with the strong smell of cooked meat.

“Welcome back.” Dan said with a knowing, wicked grin. “I made lunch.” Dan took off his red 'KISS THE JERK' apron and set it in a crinkled mass on the counter.

Pinkie gasped as she looked over the spread on the dining table, which was actually the foosball table with a large, thin piece of plywood over it a couple of folding chairs set up next to it. Meatloaf, Hamburgers, Hotdogs, a big plate of bacon…Dan really outdid himself.

“I can see that!” Pinkie said with a big smile. “Just a sec, okay?” Pinkie walked over to the microwave, discreetly pulled something out of the grocery bag, and put it into the microwave. She pushed a few buttons on the device and bounded over to the table.

Dan’s smile dropped. She seems rather…enthusiastic. Oh well, I have a backup…

Pinkie sat down in one of the folding chairs.

Dan’s smile returned as he pushed a plate full of meatloaf in front of Pinkie. It widened back into an evil grin as she took a bite.

Pinkie’s expression went blank as tears started to well up in her eyes.

Dan turned a small bottle that was sitting on the table so Pinkie could read it. “You might say the secret ingredient is ‘habanero sauce’…”

Pinkie slowly swallowed the bit of food in her mouth. “Dan..?”

Dan’s evil smile went nuclear arms race. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“THIS IS THE BEST LUNCH I’VE HAD EVER, EVER!” Pinkie declared with a gigantic smile.

Dan’s smile suffered a nuclear peace treaty. “Ummm…Really?”

Pinkie vigorously nodded her head as she shoveled more bites into her mouth with an “Mmmm-hmmm! Mmmm-hmmm!”

“Uh, thanks…” Dan said, scratching the back of his head.

Pinkie quickly devoured the contents of her plate and began licking it clean. She presented a completely empty plate to Dan and asked, “More, please!”

‘Beep Beep Beep’

“Oh! Hold that thought.” Pinkie sat up and trotted over to the microwave.

Dan eyed her suspiciously as she pulled out a plate, pulled out a plump bag from the microwave, opened it, and emptied the steaming, green contents into the plate.

Crud.

Pinkie walked over with the plate of broccoli. “Sorry Dan, but I’m going to make you eat your words,” Pinkie said with a grin, placing the plate in front of Dan. “Also, broccoli," she added.

“Uh, yeah... I kinda figured that out...” Dan put a pout on his face. “Erm…You know I only said that because…”

“I know exactly why you said it. You’re still going to eat,” Pinkie insisted.

“But…”

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed. “No buts!” She handed Dan a fork. “Eat!” She commanded.

Dan swallowed and grabbed the fork. He speared a tiny green piece of broccoli and brought it up to his mouth, the fork quivering in his hand. He glanced back up at his roommate, pleading for mercy in his eyes.

The look on Pinkie's face made it clear that no quarter would be given.

Dan exhaled and put the tiny piece of broccoli in his mouth. A corner of his mouth pulled up into a sneer as the eye on the same side of his face began twitching. Slowly, he chomped down on the offending vegetable, his face contorting with every bite.

Dan heard a click and looked up to see Pinkie holding her pink camera.

He flashed her an angry glower and after several labored bites, he swallowed. “Elise?”

“No, Twilight,” Pinkie responded.

“What is it with girls wanting to watch me suffer?”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “You’re just the kinda guy girls love to hate, I guess.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “I noticed.”

“Er, sorry…I didn’t mean me…” She quickly explained, waving her free hand out in front of her. “Oh, Spike says ‘Hi’ by the way. How was the broccoli?”

Dan stuck out his tongue and ran his hands over it rapidly, trying to get the taste of broccoli off of it. “That was objectively the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” he answered. Dan frowned and added, “And you should see the color of some of the turkey meat I've eaten...”

Pinkie rubbed her chin and examined what was on the table with a “Hmmmm…”. She grabbed the hot sauce and drowned the remaining broccoli with the bright orange liquid. She looked back up at Dan and motioned to the plate.

Dan furrowed his brow and stabbed another piece of broccoli. He held it up as bright orange drops of hot sauce fell off the plant and back onto the plate. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed.

“Welllllllllll...?” Pinkie inquired as a smile began to emerge on her face.

“All I can taste is hot sauce,” Dan responded.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand...?” Pinkie’s smile grew.

“It’s ummm… tolerable?” Dan offered.

“I’ll take it!” Pinkie responded, pointing at Dan and beaming.

Dan considered the plate of habanero drenched hot sauced broccoli in front of him while rubbing his stubble. He dished up a large chunk of meatloaf into the orange and green mass and began eating bites of meat and broccoli together.

“Ooh! Ooh! Let me try!” Pinkie enthusiastically grabbed her own fork and began grabbing bites off of Dan’s plate. Soon the two had finished the hot sauce soaked contents.

Dan looked across the spread on the table. “Looks like we have our work cut out for us…”

Pinkie grabbed a hot dog bun, added a wiener, a few strips of bacon, mustard, hot sauce, and chomped down. “Souwnd Gwood to mwe!” She said through a mouth full of protein and bread.

Dan sat down and began eating. Lunch first, then phase 2.

A small evil grin returned to Dan’s face as he added ketchup to a burger.

Author's Notes:

Revised

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 25 Pinkie Vs. Casual Fridays

Author's Notes:

Revised edition. With special continual thanks to MythrilMoth for his pile of corrections.

The original chapter had song lyrics that have since been removed as per the rules.

The version with lyrics can be found here.

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 25 Pinkie Vs. Casual Fridays

Pinkie washed the last of the dishes as Dan collapsed on the couch. The two had eaten their fill of meat and even had leftovers that were put away.

So Operation Meatocalypse was more like a rapture…that’s okay. There’s no way Pinkie will like what’s coming next.

Pinkie sat down next to Dan and gave her roommate a smile. “So,” she began, “we still have most the day. What do you want to do next?”

The hints of a grin began to emerge at the corners of Dan’s mouth.

She’s walking right into it…

“Casual Friday,” Dan explained casually.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “It’s Thursday,” she answered, followed by looking up to the ceiling and rubbing her chin. “Or is it?”

Dan raised an index finger. “Casual Friday is not bound by the common Gregorian calendar. It is a state of being that surpasses the known laws of time and space.”

“Ooh, ooh! Sounds like fun! What do we do?”

Dan’s evil grin returned. He held up an index finger. “Well first,” Dan explained, “the Lords of Casual Fridays shun clothing.” Dan announced dramatically, followed by him taking off his t-shirt, shoes, socks, and jeans. Soon he was clothed in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers and a giant toothy, evil grin.

Pinkie stared at him blankly. “So we strip down to our underwear?”

Dan’s grin stretched to the limits of what his face would allow. “Yep.”

Pinkie paused and processed this. “…Okay,” she replied with a smile and a shrug.

Dan’s evil grin reported dead after throwing itself out a five story window. It was thirty seconds old and was born when Dan thought stripping to his boxers and lounging around the apartment would somehow faze someone who spent the vast majority of her life not wearing clothes at all. It is survived by his worried, shocked expression that continues on to watch his roommate unlace her boots, take off her socks, and begin to lift her shirt up.

“Wait!” Dan cried. “I like that outfit.”

Pinkie stopped. “I thought you hated this one.”

“Uhhh… I changed my mind?” He said weakly. “It’s the one you were wearing when you first got here…it makes me nostalgic.”

Good save, me.

A+

“Awww, that’s sweet.” Pinkie replied with a warm smile. “Especially since it managed to survive the cupcake you somehow exploded all over my clothes…” Pinkie paused and thought a second, “But I don’t want to upset these Lords of Casual Fridays, so…”

Nervousness joined shock and worry on Dan’s face and the trio proceeded to throw a party quickly joined by perspiration as Pinkie removed her shirt, undid the purple sash round her waist, and slid down her skirt, kicking it off into a pile of clothing from the two couch occupants.

Dan gulped as he looked over his roommate’s body, now clad only in a frilly pink bra and equally frilly pink panties. He had thought the fact that she was a girl meant she wouldn’t even consider this option; now the fact that she was a girl, and a full figured, attractive one at that, was working very much against him and rational thought was quickly becoming little more than a faint memory.

Pinkie turned her almost completely bare back to Dan, “Would you undo my bra for me?” She asked. “I still have trouble with the clasps.” She explained.

Color drained from Dan’s face as a tiny version of him with three sets of bat-wings, three sets of small horns adorning the sides of his upper forehead, and a black crown that appeared to be made of flaming coal that hovered a few inches off his head, appeared on his shoulder in a puff of black smoke that smelt of brimstone. “DO IT!” He said with an enthusiastic smile of pure devilish delight. “If you play your cards right, you can probably get her naked.”

A second puff of smoke appeared. This time grey, though still smelling faintly of brimstone. Instead of an angelic version, or even slightly less evil version of Dan, a tiny version of Elise clad in her black ninja robes and red scarf stood. Though she, too, sported a single pair of bat wings and horns.

“Oh, COME ON!” Dan shouted at the tiny Elise. “Don’t I have to deal with regular Elise enough?!”

The tiny devil Elise glowered at him. “Don’t look at me. Your slightly less evil conscious got the drop on me and took over my position!”

“Oh well…I guess as long as I’m still tormenting her in some form, that’s okay,” Dan replied wistfully.

“Anyways,” Evil Elise continued, “if you take off that bra and Elise finds out about it, she’ll totally emasculate you with her sword. And yes, I did mean ‘emasculate’.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as she began to pout. “Awww…but it’s soooo tight and constricting!” she whined.

The trio turned back face her, surprise written like an epic trilogy across their collective faces.

“She can see us?!” Really Evil Dan exclaimed.

“Sure I can see you!” Pinkie said with a smile. “Everypony…and everyone too, seems to have a couple of you guys! It’s fun! It’s like everybody is a walking party!”

“Uh, do you have a couple as well?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course!” Pinkie motioned to her shoulders.

A, pink, bubbly pony with a curly pink mane and tail bounded in a circle on one of Pinkies shoulders, it chanted “Fun! Fun! Fun!” over and over again ad nauseam.

A second pony with straight hair, holding a chef’s knife in a hoof, was on the second shoulder. It may have very well have been pink, but it was impossible to tell as it appeared to be completely drenched in blood that dripped off of it in large, viscous ‘plops’. “His soft underbelly is exposed.” The pony thrust its knife into the air, then made a series of stabbing motions. “Go for the kill! Eviscerate him and bake his organs into cupcakes!” it ordered. “If you miss the vital ones, you may even get to make him watch as you do it before he dies!” it said with a malevolent grin.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” The tiny pink pony responded. “You should throw everyone a huge, ginormous, awesome, gargantuan party instead!”

“A murder party! Yesssss…” The blood soaked pony replied. “Do it! Let’s bake them all!”

“Uhhh…I can’t see them,” Dan replied.

Real Evil Dan stared across the small expanse at the couple of consciences sitting and bouncing on Pinkie’s bare shoulders. His expression betrayed a sense of dread and fear. “Believe me buddy, you’re better off.”

Evil Elise chimed in, “Yeah…I’m with RED on this.”

RED threw up his hands. “Sorry, pal. You’re on your own here. Forgive the Bible reference, but I’m washing my hands of this one.”

“I’m outie, too,” Evil Elise added. “Just remember what I said about the sword. Hey, RED. Why don’t you and I head to Lucifer’s and drink until we can’t remember today.”

“Sounds like a plan, E.E. first round’s on you.”

E.E. shrugged and rolled her eyes. “It always is.”

In a puff of smoke, the two were gone.

“That’s okay! You still have the big one! I bet he has dozens of cupcakes’ worth of organs in him!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

Pinkie waved her hands over her shoulders, causing the two ponies to disappear in a pink and red puff of smoke. “Shoo! Shoo! You two aren’t helping!”

Dan just stared at his roommate, completely unsure of what to do at this point.

“So uhh…I have to keep my bra on?” Pinkie asked.

Dan considered E.E.’s words and mustered the last of his will. “Erm…yes…The Lords of Casual Fridays require that bras must remain on…”

Pinkie’s face fell into disappointment. “Awww, sexist jerks. What is it with all these stupid rules your society has?” She added. “It’s always, ‘Pinkie, keep your clothes on!’ or ‘No dancing at the paraplegic support group’ and ‘Ma’am, it’s not legal to mail a box full of whipped cream.’”

“I hear ya…” Dan replied. “But Casual Fridays is a sacred event that has existed for decades. Literal decades,” he stressed.

Pinkie sighed, but her face immediately rebounded to its default, happy self. “Okay, what’s next?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan finally remembered he had a phase three. “Oh, uh…we play music.”

Pinkie’s grin widened. “Sounds like a blast! I love music!”

Dan managed to resurrect his grin from the dead. “Oh, it’ll be a blast alright…”

He walked over to his CD player, made sure the volume was set to max, and hit ‘play’.

The room was immediately filled with the sound of electric guitars and drums. The entire apartment shook with the sound, and even the windows vibrated.

Dan examined his roommate carefully.

Pinkie’s face went completely blank. Slowly her pupils began to dilate.

--“♫”
Pinkie stood up.

--“♫”
The hints of a smile appeared on her face.

--“♫”
The hints turned to clues as her mouth widened.

--“♫”
Pinkie beamed from ear to ear.

--“♫” --“♫”
“DAN! THIS IS THE BEST MUSIC IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!” Pinkie shouted over the stereo.

--“♫”
“WHAT?!” Dan replied, unsure if he had misheard her or if was hearing another plan end in a giant, world consuming, fiery, punk explosion.

--“♫”

--“♫”
“I LOVE IT!” Pinkie declared.

--“♫”
“Umm… good…” Dan replied, unsure if he should be elated that his roommate loved the Ramones or that his plan was a smoldering pile of ashes at this point.

Pinkie bounded up to her roomie, “Dance with me?” She asked, cupping her hands together next to her cheek and shrinking down so she was looking up at Dan with big, blue, hopeful eyes.

--“♫”
Dan looked down at her and swallowed; Pinkie’s usual, modest attire normally blocked his view from what he was looking at now.

--“♫”
Dan’s resolved was obliterated as two bombshells collided with it and exploded.

--“♫”
Well…a couple songs couldn’t hurt… Dan thought.

--“♫”
Dan smiled, raised his forearms, and began shifting in rhythm to the song. “Sure, Pinkie.”

Pinkie, likewise, raised her hands, and began shifting back in forth in rhythm to the song, an incredibly happy and content smile plastered on her face.

--“♫”

Dan paused from his dancing as he noticed phone light up on the crate that served as a makeshift coffee table. The phone displayed ‘Chris’ over the green ‘Answer’ and red ‘Ignore’ buttons. He walked over and pressed the green button. “Hey, Chris!”

--“♫”
“Dan? What’s going on? I can barely hear you.”

--“♫”
Dan turned to Pinkie with a sheepish grin and motioned for her to turn the volume down on the CD player.

--“♫”

--“♫”
Pinkie ceased dancing to nod with a smile and complied, continuing her dancing when she finished.

--“♫”

--“♫”
“Better?” Dan asked.

“Much,” Chris answered. “Just wanted to know how the scheme was going.”

“Great! Pinkie and have been dancing to the Ramones for the last half an hour almost.”

--“♫”

--“♫”
“…That sounds like the opposite of ‘great’,” Chris responded.

--“♫”
“Wait…what was my ‘criterion’ for great again?” Dan asked, searching the ceiling as if it had the answer.

--“♫”

--“♫”
“You were trying to get Pinkie to want to move out.”

--“♫”

--“♫”
Dan paused. “... Oh, right…”

--“♫”
“… yeah, I don’t care about that anymore.”
The CD transitioned from the end of I Don’t Want To Walk Around With You to Today Your Love, Tomorrow The World.

--“1, 2, 3, 4”
“Wait? Seriously?” Chris asked in a shocked tone.

“Are you kidding? I haven’t had this much fun in…possibly ever.” Dan admitted, surprising himself as much as anyone.

Pinkie bounded up. “Is that Chris?”

Dan nodded.

“Ask him if he and Elise can make it for dinner!” Pinkie instructed. “Tell them we’re having meat.”

“Did she just say meat?!” Chris asked excitedly.

“Yep, Chris. Bacon and beef,” Dan replied.

Chris made a giddy hungry sound, “I’ll ask. I’ll ask right now!”

There was beep as Chris terminated the call.

“So,” Pinkie began. “Meatloaf?”

A mischievous grin spread across Dan’s face. “I’ll have to get more hot sauce.”

Pinkie smiled. “Naturally.”

Tears streamed down Elise’s face as she took another bite of meatloaf. Her face was bright red, and every bite was a labor of endurance.

Chris seemed to have an easier time eating the meat, though his eyes were similarly watery, and face similarly red.

Dan grinned evilly at the couple, seemingly suffering no ill effects from the meal.

Likewise, Pinkie happily devoured her portion.

“So…cough…Casual Friday?” Elise asked, attempting to give Dan a death glare, but succeeding in something closer to an angry, red faced frown behind tears.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “It was a blast! We danced to the Ramones for hours!”

“See, she had fun!” A tiny version of Elise in white robes with a halo hovering a few inches above her head said, standing on one of Elise’s shoulders. “I think you should really let this one go!” It added, patting the side of Elise’s head.

“Yeah!” A tiny version of Dan with a set of bat wings and devil horns responded, “He’s a stand-up guy!” He said with a grin full of pointed teeth.

I hate my consciences so much!

Pinkie smiled at Elise. “Don’t worry. I kept my bra on,” she informed.

Elise raised an eyebrow. “That’s a…cough… rather specific admission…”

“A little devil told me it was important to you,” Pinkie replied, pointing at Elise with her fork.

Elise blinked a few times. I never know what to do when she gets weird like this…oh well…I guess she enjoyed herself and Dan didn’t take advantage of things too much…

Pinkie looked over to Dan and frowned. “Dan, you haven’t touched your salad.”

“Eh…I’m full,” he replied.

“Dan,” Pinkie said in a maternal tone, “you know you need to eat your veggies.”

“But they’re icky!” Dan whined.

Pinkie passed Dan a bottle of habanero hot sauce.

Dan sighed and drenched his salad in the bright orange sauce, and took a bite.

Chris’s and Elise’s jaws dropped.

“Dan,” Chris said, “are you actually eating vegetables?!”

Dan frowned. “What! I can’t taste them over the hot sauce. It’s fine!”

Pinkie smiled to herself proudly.

“I can’t believe you did it, but you did it, Pinkie!” Elise said. “And to think he was trying to get you to move out this morning.”

You could hear a pin drop. For several agonizingly quiet moments no one said anything as Pinkie’s happy expression suddenly went dark.

Pinkie wordlessly pushed her folding chair back from the makeshift table and stood up.

“Pinkie!” Dan pleaded, “Wait, I…”

With tears forming in her eyes, Pinkie leaped for the door a few feet away, opened it, and sprinted away.

Elise’s heart pounded in her chest as Dan shot her a death glare, the first successful of such from the group this evening.

Dan stood up and walked to the open door. He turned to Elise, rage and anger slowly creeping into his features.

With a huff, he uttered a sarcastic “Thanks, Elise,” and ran out the door.

“Oh, what the heck!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise turned to her husband. “I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“He never thanks me!”

“Chris! This is serious!”

Chris stopped and thought about the situation. Gee, I really wish I knew what to do here.

A tiny angel and tiny devil version of Chris appeared on either shoulder.

“Keep eating!” Evil Chris ordered. “Food will fill the void in your soul.”

“Yes,” Angelic Chris added, “It would be a sin to waste such delectable morsels.”

I love my consciences so much! Chris thought to himself.

Dan ran through the streets of Van Nuys, his breath labored, his muscles burning. The sun had already sank below the horizon and the street lights of the city had begun to flicker to life. Despite the pains and aches of his body, Dan’s concern for Pinkie’s safety was overriding his desire to slow down and catch his breath.

“Pinkie!” He called out in a hoarse voice, rounding another corner.

He heard a tiny whimper and looked up to see a pink mass of curly hair slumped against a telephone pole.

He attempted to catch his breath as he walked up. A street light lit up as he approached. He noticed Pinkie sitting with her knees pulled up, face planted against her legs, and arms clutching her legs, under the same ‘Bob the Angry Flower’ flyer he had stapled the night he met Pinkie. Though, the weather had taken its toll and it was now a water damaged, sun bleached, faded flyer.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, “Really? The same place you nearly got mugged? You’re like a butterfly to flame.”

Pinkie looked up and wiped a layer of tears and snot away from her face with the back of her hand. “Moth. You mean moth…”

Dan allowed himself a small smile. “I like my version better.”

The two sat in silence for a bit.

“Dan...?” Pinkie began, “… I’ll move out if that’s what you want… it’s just… what do I have to do for you to like me?”

Dan shrugged. “You can start by punching Elise in her big mouth.”

Pinkie shook her head. “I can’t do it.”

“Sorry,” Dan said with a chuckle, “I know you don’t really like violence…”

“No, I mean… Elise is like some sort of super-spy ninja. She’d stop me before I even got close to her face…” Pinkie explained.

“Heh.”

The two went silent once more.

Dan broke the silence this time. “Pinkie… I… what I mean is…”—Dan took a deep breath—“I’ve spent my whole life trying to stay away from other people. For the longest time, that apartment... and all the ones before it I got kicked out of, have been my safe haven from everything in the world. I never thought I’d have a roommate, especially not one who wanted to be my friend. I guess… I guess I felt threatened. Like you were trying to take the one piece of me that was safe from others… But…”

Pinkie turned to look at Dan, her big, sky-blue eyes finding his emerald ones in the glow of the streetlight.

Dan met her gaze, stood up, and held out his hand. “Today I realized that I didn’t have to fight you. I didn’t want to fight you.”

Pinkie grabbed Dan’s hand as he brought her up to her feet.

“You make me really happy,” Dan admitted.

Tears began to reemerge behind Pinkie’s eyes.

“…And…I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who’s made me happy… so…”

Dan paused.

“Stay with me, please?” Dan asked with a hopeful smile.

Dan felt himself be enveloped as Pinkie embraced him and began sobbing into his shoulder.

Dan returned the embrace. “There, there, crybaby…”

After some time, Pinkie composed herself. Still holding Dan, she raised her head and whispered into Dan’s ear, “Thanks for not making me have to put on the beekeepers outfit.”

“Uhhh…sure.” Dan replied.

The two parted and began walking back towards the apartment.

“Although,” Dan began, “A beekeepers outfit could come in handy.”

Pinkie grinned, “I even got a small one for Mr. Mumbles in case you decided to attack the apartment.”

“Awwww! That sounds adorable!” Dan responded. “Okay, now I’m kinda sorry I didn’t try to drive you out with bees.”

“Tell you what. I’ll pick up one for you tomorrow. Oh! Can we have hamburgers?”

“Sure, Pinkie,” Dan responded with a smile.

“And do Casual Friday again?” Pinkie asked with a huge grin.

“I’d love to.”

Pinkie’s smile dropped a little. “And erm… you’ll take a shower?”

Dan sighed. “Fine.”

“And brush your teeth?”

“Fine.”

“And at least eat some fruit or vegetables..?”

Dan paused.

“…fine.” he huffed out quietly.

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Hey Dan?”

“What?!” Dan replied irritably.

Dan felt something moist press against his cheek as Pinkie’s arms looped around his. “You make me really happy, too,” she whispered into his ear.

Dan’s heart skipped a beat and his face flushed.

Pinkie leaned and closer and rested her head against his.

“Do you think Chris left anything to eat?” Pinkie asked.

“Heh, after this long? We’ll be lucky if there’s even anything left in the fridge.”

Slowly, the apartment door opened, revealing Dan and Pinkie Pie.

“Dan!” Elise exclaimed. “You found her. Dan, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay Elise, we worked it out,” Dan replied.

“No Dan, it’s not okay. Look, you have to punch me in the fa…”

Dan had shifted his weight on ‘punch’ and hit Elise before she even finished ‘face’.

Elise stumbled back a little and caught herself. She smiled at Dan as she rubbed her cheek. “Nice thrust.”

“Thanks.”

“We cool?” Elise asked.

Dan held out a hand, palm up, which Elise gave a hard slap to.

“We cool,” Dan answered.

“You two have the most strangest, violentest friendship I’ve ever seen,” Pinkie stated.

“I know, it’s weird, right?” Chris asked rhetorically.

“I don’t know. I think it’s kinda sweet,” Pinkie replied.

Chris’s face dropped. Partially from what Pinkie said, but mostly because it felt like his insides were on fire. “Oh dear…” He uttered as his stomach made audible churning noises.

Dan crinkled his brow at Chris. “Chris, how much meatloaf and bacon did you eat?”

“Ummm…all of it?” Chris offered with a nervous grin.

“There was like…an entire bottle of habanero sauce in that meatloaf. And even the bacon was drenched in the stuff…” Dan replied.

“But it was soooo good!” Chris whined.

Pinkie looked at Dan and shrugged. “It was really, really, really, good.”

“Um, Chris?” Elise began. “Maybe I should get you home…or to the emergency room…”

“Awww, can’t you two stay for dessert?”

Elise smiled. “I really think I need to get him home…”

“I understand,” Pinkie said. “Next time.”

“But…but…dessert,” Chris moaned, standing up, but slumping onto his wife for support.

Elise draped one of the large man’s arm around her shoulders, “Don’t do anything stupid, you two.”

Dan smiled. “You know us.”

Elise maintained her smile as she rolled her eyes. “Unfortunately, I do…Come on Chris.” She made her way to the door, dragging Chris with her.

“But…but…” Chris reached out into the apartment as Elise dragged him away.

Pinkie quickly opened the fridge, nabbed something from it, and placed a rainbow colored cupcake into Chris’s outstretched hand.

Chris gave a weak “Yaaaaaaaaay…” as Elise dragged him off.

Pinkie poked her head out after them and called, “Bye-byeeee!” with a wave. She leaned back into the apartment and shut the door.

“So…what now?” she asked.

Dan thought for a second. “I still have a huge pile of punk CDs we can listen to,” he said as he walked over to the stereo.

Pinkie’s shirt was off her body and on the floor in a matter of seconds. “Let’s rock.”

Dan chuckled to himself with a smile, and hit play on the CD player.

Tomorrow is going to be another beautiful day. He thought to himself for perhaps the first time in his life.

“Hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

Blitzkrieg Bop and I Don’t Want To Walk Around With You lyrics written by Joey Ramone, Dee Dee Ramone, Tommy Ramone, Johnny Ramone
Copyright: Sire Records

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Epilogue/Part 4.5 Prologue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Epilogue/Part 4.5 Prologue

Lyrics removed in compliance with rules. Original version here.

The crescent moon hung like a wounded animal in the dark. Dim stars dotted the heavens, stars mostly smothered by black clouds that blotted the sky. Beneath lay a dark forest, a twisting mass of large, imposing trees with branches that snaked out in all directions. Below them was an unforgiving landscape of large rocks that jutted out like daggers from the ground, and moss covered remains of long dead trees being slowly consumed by the forest itself. The warped branches of these trees jutted up from the ground like twisted, broken limbs desperately trying to reach out of the ground towards the forest canopy.

Pinkie ran through the hazardous maw of the dark forest as if her life depended on it.

Mostly because it did.

The seven foot tall, chainsaw-wielding, hockey masked killer was hot on her heels.

Her high heels in this case.

Why the hay am I even wearing these?! I didn’t think I even owned a pair…

As if on cue, a heel broke and Pinkie went tumbling to the ground, banging her body on all manner of sharp rocks and painful looking branches that stabbed and cut her flesh until a large, shattered tree stump stopped her, Its remains shooting up into the sky like a collection of swords and spears.

Pinkie rubbed her sore, bruised, and cut body. Her vision blurred as something warm and viscous started to flow into her eyes.

Pinkie wiped at her face and examined her hand closely. Her now red hand shone sickly in the dingy moonlight.

I must have cut my head in the fall. I need to keep going! The killer…

Pinkie heard the sound of a chainsaw revving and looked up as the color drained from her face. The hockey-masked killer was quickly approaching, the forest seemingly giving way to him as he charged, as if his malevolent presence even frightened the very woodland that had brought Pinkie to her knees.

Pinkie tried to sit up, but felt something clutching at her dress.

She looked down at the skimpy cocktail dress she was wearing.

Oh, I don’t believe this! There’s barely a sash’s worth of material on this thing and it manages to get caught on a thorn bush.

Pinkie struggled to rip free as the remorseless thorn bush held fast, cutting dozens of tiny lacerations into her thigh.

Why am I even dressed like this?! Was it my goal to get hit on by as many creepy guys as possible tonight?!

Pinkie’s train of thought derailed in a fiery crash, killing all on board as the chainsaw noise exploded into a crescendo of buzzing fury.

She looked up to see the killer mere feet away from her, chainsaw held high above his head, glinting sharply in the moonlight.

A lump caught in Pinkie’s throat, but escaped into a blood curdling scream as the saw came down upon her body.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Pinkie sat up in the bed. “Ouch!” she exclaimed as she hit her head on the lamp suspended above the bed.

WHY DID DAN EVEN PUT THAT LAMP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

Pinkie raised a hand to stop the swinging pendulum of pain manifest in lamp form, her pink pajamas soaked through, and her breathing labored as she took stock of her surroundings.

She was in the bedroom she shared with Dan in their apartment. Tiny beams of streetlight shone through the window blinds, covering her and the bed in tiny lines made of electric light.

“Dan, I…” Panic gripped Pinkie as she realized her roommate was not in the bed. She swallowed, feeling very much alone and terrified of the sudden vast emptiness that seemed to consume the tiny apartment.

“Dan?” Pinkie called out in a frightened tone. “Dan, where are you? I’m scared and…”

“CHEMICAL PLANT EXPLOSION!” Dan screamed, suddenly popping up from under the bed.

Pinkie made a loud, startled “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!” and fell off the bed with a loud ‘THUMP’.

“NOXIOUS FUMES ARE COMING THIS WAY! KILLING ALL WHO INHALE THEM!” Dan continued.

Pinkie was on her feet in a flash. “Right! Situation ‘C’. I’ll go get…”

“Also, those who inhale the fumes raise back to life with a hunger for the flesh of the living,” Dan added.

“Ooooooo! Situation ‘C’ plus ‘Z’…wait.” Pinkie paused as a small smile appeared on her face. “Romero or Snyder?”

Dan reached up to pat his taller roommate on the head. “Very good, young padawan. Romero,” he answered.

Pinkie smiled large enough to make an audible ‘squee’ sound. “I’ll get my bag, the gas-masks, my crowbar, and the rifle.” She sang out, bounding towards the closet.

“And I’ll grab Mr. Mumbles, the cross-bow, my hatchet, and the car,” Dan replied.

“Meet you outside?” Pinkie asked as she donned a pair of pink flats, her cutie mark painted on the tops in acrylic paint.

“Yep!” Dan replied as Mr. Mumbles bounded up to him with a “meow” and ran up his outstretched hand.

Pinkie excitedly opened the door to the apartment and shut it behind her, pink crowbar in hand, her pink bag slung diagonally across a shoulder, a black satchel slung diagonally across the other. A brown strap also crossed her chest parallel to the black strap, and the butt of a wood grain rifle protruded up over a shoulder. She giddily put her foot on the rail to the second story walkway and looked over. Dan had already positioned the car. Pinkie managed to awkwardly pull her weight onto the walkway railing and fell forward, spreading out her arms and legs as she impacted the roof of the red hatchback below.

‘THOWK!’

Dan glanced up at the roof of his car at the sound of someone flinging themselves onto it. A petite hand appeared from the passenger side window, pink finger nails and feminine fingers arranged in the sign of ‘A-ok’.

Pink flats entered the car through the window, followed by pink pajama-clad legs, a pink bag and a black bag, a women’s pink pajama-clad torso crisscrossed with straps of varying color,a woman’s bright smiling face, bright pink curly hair, the butt of a rifle, and finally, pink pajama-clad arms attached to slim hands and fingers.

“How’d I do?! How’d I do?!” Pinkie asked excitedly from the passenger seat.

Dan gave her a giant grin and wagged his finger back and forth. “Nu-uh-uh. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Pinkie thought for a second and looked down. “Aw, nerts!” she exclaimed as she reached for her seatbelt and buckling it.

Dan clicked a stopwatch, then produced a sheet of paper on a clipboard marking a number of places with a pen. “Not bad. Not bad at all,” he commented. “I had to ding you for the seatbelt, but you reacted quickly, remembered all the right things, and got out of the apartment in record time despite having to grab extra gear. This is a personal best for you.”

“Yes!” Pinkie exclaimed to herself with a smile and a fist pump. She closed her eyes, leaned back into her seat, and quietly began to hum the Laughter Song to herself.

Dan started the car, and pushed a tape into the tape player embedded in the dash. Soon the sound of a rhythm bass and electric piano filled the car.

“Hungry?” Dan asked. “I’m thinking…Lenny’s.” Dan shifted the rearview mirror so Pinkie could see into the backseat.

The sound of music was quickly joined by Pinkie’s laughter. “You got it out of storage, I see.”

“♫”
The backseat sat occupied by a change of clothes for Pinkie, Mr. Mumbles, and the pancake thrower the two had constructed sometime prior.

“♫”
“What can I say? I’m a man who likes pancakes,” Dan said, grinning mischievously.

“♫”
“Mostly when they’re flying through the air at dangerous speeds, though,” Dan admitted.

“♫”
Pinkie smiled, “Sounds like a funderful evening…morning.”

“♫”
Dan pulled out into the street.

“♫”

“♫”
“Hey, things seemed…intense when you woke up. Did you want to talk about it?” Dan asked.

“♫”
Pinkie thought about this with an audible “Hmmmmm…”

“♫”
“Noper,” she answered with a smile.

“♫”
Dan smiled and shrugged. “Okay. Just remember that I’m always here if you need to talk.”

“♫”

“♫”
Pinkie reached over to the steering wheel and gave Dan’s hand a squeeze. “I know, Dan,” she said warmly.

“♫”

The red hatchback drove off into the streetlight lit street, carrying an oddly content misanthrope, a pink pony turned human who felt her fears melt away, a cat who understood English, and enough weapons and gear to survive a chemically created zombie hoard.

“♫”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Spike asked for about the half dozenth time. “You remember what happened the last time you used time magic,” he added.

Twilight’s horn glowed, casting a purple light all over the vast stone room and the books spread out all over it, her own the only source of illumination. “It’ll be fine!” Twilight assured. “We’re just going to observe the past through a viewport. Given how things went that last time I traveled to the past, I doubt actually going back would be a good idea…”

“Alright…” Spike said tentatively. “If you’re sure…”

“As sure as I’ll ever be…” Twilight admitted softly to herself.

A purple beam shot out from her horn and stopped in a spiral of purple light a few yards in front of her; eventually it faded revealing a large plate sized window. The room darkened as the dim light from the portal became the only light in the room.

Twilight and Spike looked into the portal, observing the six ponies from the past.

Spike drew close to Twilight. “Can they hear us?” he whispered.

“No,” Twilight responded in a whisper. “The portal only transfers images and maybe magic…”

“Oh…then why are you whispering?”

Twilight shushed the baby dragon. “I’m trying to concentrate! I need to use my magic to sense what happened without creating any light…it’s harder than it looks.”

“Sorry…” Spike whispered.

The two paused as the Twilight on the other side of the portal opened the door.

“Hey it’s me! Looking good, Spike!” Spike exclaimed.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

The two watched as a blue glow began to emanate through the recently opened door.

Suddenly, the room was filled with red light from behind Spike and Twilight. A red bolt shot out of the darkness of the room, shot through the portal, intercepting a blue blast that was headed straight for Pinkie. The combined red and blue bolt hit Pinkie, and she was gone.

Twilight quickly closed the portal.

“What happened?!” Spike fearfully exclaimed.

“I don’t…” Twilight used her magic, attempting to sense the residual energies of the bolt just fired through the very room. A small feeling of disorder and chaos entered through her horn, and traveled down like a tremor.

“I know who’s responsible,” Twilight said, her eyes narrowing as determination entered her expression.

“You do? Who is it?”

Twilight raised a forehoof into the air and shouted at the heavens.

End part--

“No need to shout I’m just down the hall!”

…

End Part 4…

Sorta.

Author's Notes:

"When life gives you lemons, make combustibles to set life's house on fire."
--Portal 2 quote paraphrased by user Kill the Jeffer

Also, with special guest star, the plot. Welcome back, plot.

You’re My Best Friend Written by John Deacon.
Copyright Emi Music Publishing

Part 4.5 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord: Chapter 26

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4.5 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord

Chapter 26

Discord grinned to himself behind his upside-down tea cup as the door to his room slammed open revealing a furious-looking purple Alicorn.

“DISCORD!” Twilight yelled in an accusatory tone. She pointed a forehoof at the Draconequus. “I know it was you.”

“Oh come now, Twilight Sparkle. Aren’t you the one always looking for all the facts before jumping to any”—Discord turned his head a complete 180, opened his mouth wide, and emptied the contents of his cup into his mouth—“wild conclusions?” Discord’s grin widened as he threw the teacup away. Its existence terminated in a fiery explosion as it hit the wall. “Come, come now. Have a seat and let’s talk about this…”

Twilight shot him a glare. “I’d imagine I would have trouble with that.”

Discord looked over the room. Bright, colorful lamps floated at random intervals around the room, and paintings that seemed little more than bright blotches of color adorned the walls. Most of the furniture was currently floating upside-down a few feet away from the ceiling. Including the chair Discord was sitting on. A rocking chair orbited the center spinning randomly in all directions at a frantic speed.

Discord grabbed his head and pulled it back into place with a snap, using his neck to roll it slightly back and forth. Discord sighed. “Very well. Have it your way.” He snapped his eagle claw, and all furniture and decor vanished, leaving a nearly barren room with the exception of a few plain looking lamps on the walls, the purple alicorn, and Discord himself.

“There! Nice, plain, boring.” Discord said with a sneer. “Just the way you ponies like it.” Discord lowered himself to a horizontal position, lounging on thin air.

Twilight glowered at him, “Fine! I don’t need to sit. But tell me, why did you send Pinkie away and how do we get her back?!” Twilight demanded.

Discord’s eyes rolled in a very literal sense as his mouth pulled into a sneer once more. “Oh, there you go again! You get one lead, and now you’re barking up my tree,”—Discord snapped his claw again and a tree sprouted from the ground, quickly growing to contain him in his lounging position—“and it’s the wrong one.”

“Don’t play games with me Discord! I know it was you who fired that red bolt into the past!” Twilight asserted.

Discord motioned his claw out to Twilight. “Now THAT is a cold hard fact. Still! I’m surprised you didn’t come see me sooner.” Discord snaked out of the tree and slithered across the ground towards Twilight. He sat up as he approached, bringing his head up to Twilight’s face level. He stroked a lion paw across her cheek. “Too scared to talk to Uncle Discord?” Discord pouted. “I’m hurt.”

Twilight glared at him. “Why would I come to see you before?”

Discord quickly sat upright and looked down at Twilight in surprise, “Don’t tell me you couldn’t figure out the clue I left on the computer. It was hardly subtle.”

“Clue? What clue? There wasn’t…”

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen, “See, ‘Too purple’? The people got it covered.”

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. “Great, now let’s try to find some clues!”

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password, “Clues, eh…well…”

Dan placed a hand on his roommate's face and pushed her out of the way. “Clues, shmues. Let’s fire up the internet on this baby.” Dan said with a grin, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

Twilight glanced to the side with a sneer and uttered an angry. “Dan!”

Discord broke into an uproarious fit of laughter.

“Hehehehehe…” Discord wiped away a tear. “Oh this is priceless! The delicious chaos that man leaves in his wake has been the most fun I’ve had in ages!”

“Wait! So you did plan this!” Twilight accused.

Discord’s grin turned devilish.“Not exactly… I had no idea The Order Keepers would strike, and it took me a while to figure out I had a part to play in their little exile of our mutual pink pony friend. Or already played, such as it were…”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You know what The Order Keepers are?!”

Discord sighed. “Twilight, this is probably going to be a long, tedious conversation. Why don’t you go get us a couple of comfortable chairs?” Discord motioned to the tree with his lion paw. “The tree is far less comfortable than it looks.”

“Why don’t you just magic some seats?” Twilight shot back.

“Oh, I don’t know Princess, why don’t you just order some servants to bring some?” Discord retorted with a sly grin.

Twilight made a frustrated growl. “You’ll answer my questions, then?”

“Of course!” Discord replied.

“Honestly?”

“Yes, yes.” Discord said, waving his claw at Twilight dismissively.

“And no funny business?”

Discord chuckled. “Don’t ask for promises you know I can’t keep.”

Twilight glared at the Draconequus and stormed out of the room.

Discord steepled his talon and paw together, lightly tapping his digits against each other.

Soon, Twilight returned to the barren room, the tree seemingly having been dismissed. Fluttershy and Flash Sentry followed. A red loveseat, easy-chair, and couch followed the pony procession, held aloft by a purple glow.

Discord smirked. “I see you brought your trump card. But why your beau? Afraid you’ll need the moral support?” Discord asked, cocking his head to the side.

Flash shot Discord and angry look and leveled a hoof at him. “I’m her guard. It’s my duty to protect her.”

“OoOoOoOoOo~! I’m so scared!” Discord exclaimed as he brought his claw and paw up to his smiling face. “What are you going to do if things get to hot? Bring your princess a refreshing beverage?”

“Discord!” Fluttershy rang out. “That’s enough! Behave yourself.”

Discord sighed. “Fine, fine.”

Twilight arranged the furniture in a neat circle around the room. She and Flash sat on the loveseat; Fluttershy climbed onto the easy-chair. The ponies sat down on their haunches. Discord lounged horizontally on the couch.

“So,” Twilight began, “what did that red blast do exactly?”

Discord smiled again and held a pointed eagle claw up, waving it slightly at Twilight, “An excellent question, my dear. The red blast served to misdirect Pinkie’s intended destination. Additionally, it allowed me to provide her with supplies she would need to survive the unforgiving world she ended up on.”

“Why that world?” Twilight added.

“Well, apparently I had already chosen it, who am I to toy with causality’s merry game?” Discord asked rhetorically with a grin.

“A self-proclaimed master of chaos,” Twilight reminded.

Discord raised his forelimbs up in a shrug, “Fair enough. But by the time I pieced together what had happened, I had no desire to even attempt to change the past. Dan plus Pinkie Pie meant an endless stream of flowing chaos in that world, and what’s more, she seems happy to stay by the side of that little ball of terror. A much better realm than those dull old Order Keepers would have sent her to.”

“Am I to understand you did Pinkie a favor?” Twilight inquired.

Discord rolled his eagle talon claw side up. “But of course!”

“Do you know where she would have been sent?”

Discord nodded.

There was a pause.

“…Care to share this information with us?!” Twilight asked in a frustrated tone of voice.

“Oh, I can do better than that.” Discord snapped his talon and the bare walls and floor gave way to a serene-looking jungle. Fruits and berries adorned all the plants, and a clear stream flowed through the trees and between the furniture arranged on the ground.

“Pretty…” Fluttershy murmured.

“Seriously? Dan’s world is better than this?” Twilight asked motioning to their surroundings.

Discord threw his head back and laughed. “Hahahaha…Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. Always looking at what’s in front of her. Never considering the big picture! It’s not what you see.” Discord waved a hand in front of his eyes; they disappeared from his face. “It’s what you don’t!”

The trio of ponies looked around their surroundings.

“What? It’s peaceful…” Twilight offered.

“There’s nopony else here.” Flash stated.

“Ahhhh…So your beau does have some use.” Discord said, lowering his paw to the ground as his eyes rolled back up it and into their perch on his face. “Yes. It’s a garden of endless fruits, clean water, always perfect weather, and not another soul in the entire dimension. Accommodating only the most basic needs of the occupant. No technology, no tools, and no mirrors or other troublesome devices that might allow someone to contact the occupant. Just the sort of dull place The Order Keepers think would be perfect for a troublemaker while conforming with a type of mercy that they think makes their actions justifiable.” Discord suddenly disappeared from his seat, and reappeared, small, long and limbless, snaking his way through the trees and bushes of the land. “A lifetime spent in solitary confinement in a Garden of Eden, as the humans might say… A paradise that would quickly turn into our young friend’s Hell.” Discord suddenly reappeared upright on the couch, and snapped his fingers turning the jungle into a gloomy, barren place of rocks, holes, and caves. The holes glowed orange as if something fiery laid below them