The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene

Dan stared down at the mess of a cake now splattered in the kitchen…or the area of the small apartment that served as a kitchen.

I can probably get Chris to take care of this when he gets here.

Dan’s ears perked up as he heard…singing? Pinkie was apparently singing in the shower.

Maybe that’s all she needed?

Dan put his ear up to the bathroom door and listened in, hopeful that his roommate was singing about rainbows, sunshine, and candy like normal.

“La la la la la…something, something 37… Hrrmmm….what rhymes with ‘seven’? OH! Heaven! Good one…”

Dan swallowed and glanced over to the cake on the ground, the idea of leaving it until Pinkie got out suddenly terrifying. He opened the cabinet under the kitchen sink and donned some yellow rubber gloves while grabbing carpet cleaner, some rags, and a brush.

Soon the cake and the mess it left was little more than a memory occupying the garbage.

Dan heard the sound of a hair dryer. Deciding to risk another listen at the bathroom door, he sneaked over and placed an ear against it once again.

“Tra la la la…something…stab wounds…Shoot. What rhymes with wounds?..

“…”

“…Hounds? Does that work? Can I pronounce words funny for the sake of rhyme?”

“…”

“Do I need to get a killer dog, now, for this song to work?”

Dan opted to sit in his easy chair and stare into space to reduce risk of him messing up his apartment accidentally.

Before long, there was a knock on the door.

Dan got up to answer it.

“Dan! You’re still alive and conscious and unstabbed and everything! Awesome!” Chris beamed.

Elise sighed. “Yeah…awesome…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Don’t hurt yourselves getting happy over it or anything…”

“I’M happy,” Chris insisted. He gave his wife a sly look. “Twenty dollars happy.”

Elise sighed, fished her wallet out of her purse, grabbed a twenty dollar bill out of that, and handed the bill to Chris.

“Did you two BET on if she would kill me before you got here?!” Dan asked, flabbergasted.

“No! Maimed!” Chris asserted. “Elise told me you probably wouldn’t die of blood loss or organ failure by the time we arrived.”

Dan glared at Elise. “Thanks Elise, you’re a peach. Rotten to the core, that is.”

Elise grinned, getting under Dan’s skin suddenly being worth the money she had just handed over to her husband.

“And YOU!” Dan said as he leveled one of his patented accusatory fingers at Chris. “How DARE you profit over my potential mutilation!”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I was betting against your mutilation!”

“Oh…right. YOU!” Dan wheeled around to point at Elise, “How DARE you attempt to profit over my potential mutilation!”

Elise continued to smile, and shrugged while lifting her palms and forearms up slightly. “What can I say Dan, you bring out the worst in people.”

Dan’s expression shifted and his spitting, frothing, surface rage shifted to a quieter, bubbling under the surface anger.

Elise’s expression shifted too, and her smile dropped as she realized she may have struck a little below the belt on that last one.

Chris’s eyes darted back and forth between his wife and Dan as he realized their normal barb trade-off had seemingly descended into something a bit more awkward and personal. Chris cleared his throat. “Now, Dan. It’s only fair given you try to bet with me every time Elise goes out on a dangerous mission.”

The tactic seemed to work; Dan snapped right back to his angry, irate self of a few moments ago. “Aaaaand you’d have made a pretty penny off of me if you could ever stop crying long enough to settle on an amount. I mean, she’s still here isn't she?”

Chris went pale. “You know…let’s not talk about…”

Elise’s expression shifted to a smug grin as she looped an arm around her husband’s own arm and laid a palm on it. “Heh. You should take him up on his bet Chris. I’m the top agent in my field. It’ll be a warm day in Siberia before someone takes me out.”

Dan winced. “You know how I feel about Siberia! Do it again and I will cut you!”

“Hey guys..?” Chris said, trying to keep things from getting worse.

He failed.

“With what?” Elise said, her smile widening and tone getting more condescending. “You got a steak knife you’re going to come at me with?” Elise fluttered her eyelids at Dan. “You know I’m a master of the ninjatō.”

Dan’s face turned red as he closed the distance between himself and Elise.

Elise released her arms and began to advance on Dan.

The two very quickly found Chris blocking their path to each other. “Hey guys? Let’s maybe not fight and threaten to stab someone.”

“I want to stab someone.”

The trio winced and turned to face Pinkie who was wearing her button-up white shirt, vest, jeans, and a few bracelets along with her default happy-go-lucky smile. Pinkie had obviously moved onto phase two of her 'so angry at Dan, I could just stab him repeatedly with a chef's knife' mood; the casual mentioning of inflicting violence without as much as an expression change. It was something even Elise found unsettling.

Pinkie bounded over to the group as Dan took a few big steps back.

“Hey Chris!” Pinkie said, giving the big man a big hug.

“Uh…hey Pinkie!” Chris said with a slightly anxious tone.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and looped an arm around Elise’s. “Ready to go?”

Elise pushed past her own unease and smiled. “Sure, Pinkie!”

“Great! We’re off for super-dee-duper fun times!” Pinkie announced throwing an excited fist into the air.

The two walked through the door, out into the warm California night.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

In a pink flash, Pinkie popped back into view, poking her head through the door. She leveled narrowed eyes at Dan and quickly pointed at him then the bathroom she had just exited. Slowly, she pulled the finger back towards her and lifted her head up, making a slicing motion over her own neck.

Dan gulped and nodded his head.

Pinkie turned to Chris and gave him a smile and a finger wagging wave then darted out of view.

Chris whistled. “37, huh? That’s pretty impressive considering the apartment seems to be immaculate instead of suffering from a number of jetpack prototype related scorch marks and holes. I keep forgetting this place is actually blue under all the grime.”

“Pinkie worked pretty hard to clean up, today…” Dan explained. “Also, this will be a lot harder to get out of than the day of 18 stabs since I can’t just let her help me with the jetpack…”

“I thought 18 was the day you used all her baked goods to assault the gluten sensitivity group.”

“No, that was 25.” Dan corrected. “She was pretty mad when she found out ‘gluten intolerance’ didn’t mean ‘people who were prejudiced against glutens’.” Dan glanced to the side and added, “… Stupid internet.” He continued, “She forced me to help her make a bunch of gluten-free baked goods to get out of that one…”

“Oh, right…” Chris said. “So what’s she making you do to get out of this one? Must be something pretty major.”

Dan motioned to the recipe book. “She’s making me bake the chocolate cake I destroyed.”

Chris paused. “… Dan…” Chris began to tear up. “… Destroying food is definitely a stab worthy crime… but…” Chris began to get choked up with emotion. “… I’ve never been…sniff…never been so happy to be your friend in my LIFE!” Chris broke into tears of joy.

“… She’s also making me take a shower and brush my teeth.”

Chris wiped away his tears and put on a grin. “Heavens! You’ll lose at least an inch once the layer of filth is cleaned off.”

Dan glared at Chris and placed a well-aimed kick into his larger friend’s shin.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed, hopping on one foot as he lifted the assaulted appendage.

“This is serious! She’ll probably expect me to use soap…and wash my hair…” Dan thought for a moment... “A HA!” he cried triumphantly. “She just said ‘shower’, she didn’t specify I had to do all that other frou-frou nonsense! Maybe I can just rinse off and finish up with some wet-naps…”

“…Are you sure?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

“…Well…” Dan trailed off.

“37 times sure?” Chris added.

Dan sighed and hung his head, “…but all we have is Pinkie’s girly nonsense stuff.” His lip quivered slightly. “I’m going to smell like some sort of fanciful meadow from the French Alps.” He placed a fist in front of his mouth and puffed his cheeks. “How am I supposed to bake if I’m throwing up every few minutes?”

“Do you still have Elise’s passive aggressive birthday surprise?” Chris asked.

Dan lowered his eyelids slightly. “Yeah. I pull out the box whenever I want to remind myself how much I hate your wife.”

Chris sighed. “You know Elise has a scrapbook where she catalogues all the photos Pinkie has taken of you getting injured or covered in something unpleasant…she’s began adding notes of all the times Pinkie has threatened to stab you, too.” Chris pulled his arms in tight to his chest and held himself as he trembled slightly. “She pulls it out in the middle of the night when she thinks I’m asleep and giggles to herself…it’s really weird.”

Dan’s expression softened and his pupils dilated. “Elise has a misery scrapbook of me? Awww, that’s really terrible…” He said with warmth in his voice.

“I really wish you two didn’t have a relationship built out of mutual dislike,” Chris responded.

“Loathing,” Dan countered. “You make this sound like it’s some sort of middle-school…aversion fling. Elise and I are adults and we conduct ourselves as such”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Wow umm…I’m not sure I’ve EVER been this uncomfortable in my life…can you go get that box now?”

Dan sighed out as he flung his arms out to his sides. “FINE!” He trudged off to his bedroom, and grabbed a brown box from under his bed. The words ‘Elise’s Passive Aggressive Birthday Surprise’ were written in it in intricate calligraphy that gave the words an Asian feel.

Dan stroked the box fondly. “You can really tell she took her time with this…”

Chris shuddered once more, the thought of his wife and best friend having some sort of hate relationship giving him the heebie-jeebies. “Can we open it?”

“Oh, right…” Dan said. He opened the box to reveal a collection of masculine looking bathing and dental hygiene products. Each item had a message written in the same flowing script that was on the box; 'You Smell', 'Your breath stinks', 'Please use this to evict the colony of tiny creatures that resides in your hair.'

“She even took the time to personalize each one…” Dan said affectionately.

Chris quickly took the box and shoved it into Dan’s arms. “Just…PLEASE go wash up! PLEASE!” he insisted forcefully.

“Right! No time to waste on our detestation relation. I have someone in desperate need of saving…ME!” Dan marched off towards the bathroom. He glanced back at Chris. “Make yourself useful and start prepping ingredients.” Dan narrowed his eyes, “And don’t eat all the ingredients before we’ve had a chance to make the cake.”

Chris saluted. “You can count on me, buddy!”

Dan shut the door to the bathroom.

Chris began looking over the recipe and started grabbing measuring cups, spoons, mixing bowls, etc…

“Ahhhh..! It burrrrrns! It burrrrns us! It freeeeezees!” Dan wailed over the sound of running water.

Chris rolled his eyes and walked over to the bathroom door. “Dan, have you even used the soap yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!” Dan yelled back. “And stop sneaking next to the bathroom! It’s really creepy!”

Chris sighed and walked back towards the kitchen area. He examined the recipe carefully “Hmmmm…4 ounces of chocolate? That can’t be right…”

Dan took several short and shallow breaths as water and perspiration dripped down his face. He eyed the instrument with pinpoint-sized pupils. A long handle that ended in a spiky looking end.

I can’t believe I’m expected to put this in my mouth. It’s unbelievable, barbaric, cruel even…

Slowly, he reached for a cylindrical tube and unscrewed the top. Carefully, he clenched it, a bright green substance squeezing out of it and onto the spikes of the device he eyed before.

That can’t be a natural color…this stuff has got to be irradiated somehow…

Dan slowly raised the toothbrush to his mouth, his hands shaking as the he slowly pressed the firm bristles against his teeth.

Chris paused as he heard a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. He rushed over and knocked on the door. “Dan! Are you alright?!” He asked with concern.

“Nwoo…” Dan groaned. “Erery’ing tases and smells like burming mint!”

Chris shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Dan groaned and wailed as he dragged the toothbrush across his teeth. After a few minutes, he exited the bathroom with a towel across his waist.

Chris gave his friend a few sarcastic claps. “Congratulations. You survived.”

Dan struggled to catch his breath. “How can…how can people subject themselves to that every week?!”

Chris gave his friend a sideways glance. “They don’t. Most people do that every day.”

Dan’s eyes went wide as he collapsed into his easy chair. “Savages…”

“You know…” Chris began, “Pinkie would probably tolerate you more if you just washed up and brushed your teeth more often…”

“Does her evil know no bounds?!” Dan dramatically asked no one in particular.

“Yeah, she’s a real sadist, all right,” Chris said sarcastically. “Could you get dressed? I’ve got everything measured out. Though, it was pretty hard to concentrate through all the screaming.”

Dan got up and trudged to his bedroom. “…You think maybe she’d just stab me fewer times at this point?” He asked hopefully.

“After you threw a cupcake at her clothes?” Chris reminded with a cocked eyebrow.

Dan winced, then walked into his bedroom, closing it behind him.