The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Bonus Arc
Prologue

Elise stared long and hard at the wall in front of her, focusing her violet eyes on it as if she was trying her best to set it on fire with her looks alone. In her left hand she held a smartphone up to her ear, it trembled and shook as her fingers simultaneously tried to hold it in place and crush it in her hand. Likewise her head seemed to shake with a silent rage as she forced a calm tone and spoke into the phone. “Dan, I’m not going to ask how you got my ID card again…”

“Yeah, you left that at Pinkie’s and my apartment.”

Elise’s teeth grit against each other involuntarily. “… nor am I going to ask how you got into one of the world’s most secret and heavily guarded military installations…”

“You talk in your sleep according to Pinkie, as a side note, maybe attending slumber parties isn’t such a great idea in your case.”

Elise’s eyes shifted so she was now giving a very dirty look to the ceiling fan in the kitchen.

Dan continued, “As for the second part, Pinkie put on a black jumpsuit, some night vision goggles, and then pretended to be you. You know that ‘master of disguise’ thing is really a double edged sword.”

Elise’s lips contorted into a twisted, pursed mass of rage.

“You know what was a horrible movie? Master of Disguise.”

Elise’s left eye began to twitch.

“Speaking of horrible movies. The new Fantastic Four was just… just…”

Elise smacked a hand against her face.

“Okay, imagine you paid money to watch a hobo with a shovel fight a wild animal.”

“Dan…”

“… But after you paid, you find out the animal is a skunk.”

“Dan…”

“… And by the time you find out everyone needs a shower in tomato juice to get the smell off of them!”

“DAN!” Elise yelled. “I just wanted to ask you to please turn the experimental super jet back around.”

“Not until I’ve had my revenge! And besides… I’m on the no-fly list! What was I supposed to do?! Drive to Latvia? Do you have any idea how much time that would take?!”

“That’s not…” Elise let out a sigh so heavy, it almost seemed like the hardwood floor would give out from under its weight. “Look, this is your last chance.” Elise’s tone turned dark and threatening. “Turn the jet back now!”

“Look Elise, I think you need to take a deep breath, sit down, and really ask yourself. ‘Self? Who am I really mad at? Dan, who has a totally legitimate reason for borrowing a supersonic experimental jet, or me, for being so bad at my job that he barely had to try at all to get it!”

Elise scrunched her brow and her lips again, giving the chrome kitchen sink the queen alien mother of all sour looks. “Dan! You have no right to that jet!”

“Excuse you, but now that I’m employed, I pay a little thing called taxes! That’s right! My days slaving to keep a bakery in working order are what have earned me the right to this jet.”

Elise’s eyes opened wide. “That jet is worth hundreds of millions of dollars! You’ve been working for a few months!”

“Hence why I’m only borrowing the jet!” Dan replied. “I won’t flat out claim it for myself for at least another two to three months.”

“You turn that jet around right now or I’ll initiate the self-destruct sequence on it!”

“Pffffft… Yeah right,” Dan replied dismissively. “There’s no way you’d be able to explain the jet’s fiery end to your superiors! Face it Elise, I’m holding all the cards here. You’re lucky Pinkie convinced me just to borrow this thing and instead of buying a ‘My other car is an experimental supersonic jet’ bumper sticker.”

“I’ll just tell them, some assassin got the jump on me, stole my ID, but failed to properly finish the job. It won’t look great on my next performance review, but I’m more than willing to accept that given what’s going to happen to you.” Elise clenched her teeth together. “Now this is your last chance!”

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds. “Just a second Elise,” Dan said in a tone so sickeningly sweet, Elise felt like she needed an insulin shot just to continue the conversation. “There’s someone here who wants to talk to you!”

If looks could kill, there’d be a glowing irradiated crater where the greater Los Angeles Metropolitan area once stood.

“Hiya, Elise!” A bubbly voice called out on the other line.

Elise’s shoulder’s fell almost fast enough to drag the rest of her body with them. She trudged over to the small kitchen table and slumped down into one of the seats. “Hi, Pinkie…” Elise said in a voice mired in the murky swamp of defeat.

“Sorry we had to borrow your super-jet! But it’s for the sake of the world!”

Elise shook her head, “You’re going to have to explain that one to me.”

“I don’t blame you!” Pinkie said. “I didn’t get it at first either, but Dan laid it all out for me!”

Elise’s eye’s made a circuit around the edges of her ocular cavities. “Oh, I bet he did.”

“So after we were done watching the new Fantastic Four movie, Dan did that thing where he yelled at the sky and was all ‘Doctor Doooooooooooom!’ and before you know it…”

“… You snagged my ID card and took one of the world’s most expensive and experimental military’s items out for a joy-ride?”

“No silly-billy!” Pinkie said, practically inserting a mirthful giggle directly into her words. “Before you know it, we’re back at the apartment rubbing tomato sauce all over eachother! I mean… I think you’re supposed to use juice, but it just wasn’t thick enough for rubbing, you know?”

Elise let out an aggravated huff and rubbed her forehead. “Thanks for that image. The horrors of seeing the aftermath of dictators commit genocide had stopped keeping me awake at night.”

“Image? Oh, where are my manners?” Pinkie said, taking time to say each word in a very deliberate manner.

Elise felt her phone vibrate and turned it to see she had a new message from Pinkie. She tapped it and recoiled as a photo of her best friend, wearing only a big smile and tomato juice smeared across her body, stood with her left arm draped over the shoulder of Dan who was wearing only a confused expression and tomato juice across his body.

“Gha!” Elise said as she quickly deleted the photo. “Pinkie!” she exclaimed, pulling the phone back up to her ear. “Please don’t send me any more perverse selfies of you and Dan covering each other with food!”

“Honey?!” Chris called from the next room over. “I just had the best idea ever!”

Elise quickly lowered the phone and covered the microphone. “NOT NOW!” she shouted. She returned the phone to her ear.

“But you said—”

Elise cut Pinkie off. “Just… just finish your story please.”

“Okay… So after we rubbed tomato juice all over each other, we of course had lick one ano—”

“Skip ahead! Skip ahead!” Elise said in a panicky, pleading tone.

“And that’s why we’re going to Latvia!” Pinkie said.

“Not that far ahead! Why are you going to Latvia?”

“I told you!” Pinkie said. “Because Dan is mad at Dr. Doom!”

“Okay but… Grrrrrr…” Elise lowered the phone, closed her eyes, and took a couple calming breaths. “Okay… What happened after all the licking…” Elise thought for a second. “And try to talk about this in a way that wouldn’t make you embarrassed to be discussing this in front of your parents.”

“Er… Okay… well after all the ‘scene missing’ stuff. Dan and I made pasta, because there was still just so much tomato sauce!”

Elise bit her lip. “Let’s skip to the part where Dan explains his plan.”

“Right! So, at first I was like... ‘Why are you mad at Dr. Doom?! He had the misfortune of being in that terrorible movie too! What about the people who made it? Shouldn’t you be mad at the,?’ and Dan said that Dr. Doom did make the movie! And… at first, I thought that didn’t make sense, and then Dan was like, “Who does Dr. Doom hate the most?’ and I was like, ‘Mr. Fantastic!’ I mean, d’uuuuh! We just watched the movie!”

Elise felt her chest tighten.

“So Dan is like, ‘Well, what would be the best way to embarrass Mr. Fantastic?’ And I was all like ‘gasp!’ I mean… I didn’t say ‘gasp’, I actually gasped!”

Elise’s started to feel pain in her arms.

“But then I started to think and then I said, ‘Wait, Dan! Why would Dr. Doom purposely put himself into a terrorible movie?!’ And Dan gave me one of his super-knowing looks that also makes my girl noun all adjective to the point where I need to change my noun and—”

“STOP MAKING ME PLAY BEDROOM MAD LIBS AND SKIP AHEAD!”

“Elise!” Chris shouted once more. “I just had the second best idea ever!”

“I SAID NOT NOW!”

“Alright,” Pinkie continued, “so Dan explains that Dr. Doom did it to defer suspicion, which made perfect sense, since it totally worked on me just now! I mean, not ‘now’ now, but then ‘now! You know back when I was past me and thinking about how past, past me was totally suspicion deferred!”

Elise felt herself go short of breath.

Pinkie continued, clearly not noticing her friend’s reaction. “‘Okay,’ I said, ‘but how are we going to find Dr. Doom?! He lives in comic book land. And Dan, being the super-smart cookie made with extra chocolate-genius chips he is said, ‘No, he lives in Latveria!’ ‘But Dan!’ I said, ‘Latveria isn’t real… At least, I don’t think it is.’ But, well… you know Dan…”

“Really wish I didn’t.”

“… and he just gives me another look that makes my… erm… well I felt tingly… in a place… a place I won’t say.”

Elise felt herself break into a cold sweat.

“And then he tells me about a place named Latvia, now… He knows that’s not enough, so he points out Latvia is just Latveria with the letters ‘e’, ‘r’ removed. So what does ‘ER’ stand for?”

Elise began to feel nauseous.

“Emergency Room! Now who works in Emergency Rooms?!”

Elise felt lightheaded.

“That’s right! Nurses!”

Elise felt… or rather… she stopped feeling her heart beat.

“And who do nurses work for?! Hospitals…! No wait… Hehe… I’m being silly! Nurses work at hospitals!”

This… this is fine… Elise thought as the world seemed to slip away from her

“But do you know who nurses do work for? Doctors!”

I can finally rest… Elise’s eyelids were suddenly very heavy, as was the rest of her body.

“And how many letters are in ‘Emergency Room?’” Pinkie asked coyly. “13!”

Elise began to slump in her chair, her eyes closed, her hand barely keeping the phone to her ear. Goodbye Chris… Twilight… I’m sorry… I’m just so tired…

“You know what else has 13 letters?! Victor Von Doom!”

I’m afraid I won’t be around to help you deal with…

“And that’s why we’re going to Latvia!” Pinkie said. “Oh! Hehe. But I already told you that part!”

…to deal with…

“Anyway, Dan wants to talk to you again! Bye-BYeeeeeeee!”

Elise felt a surge of energy run through her body. She shot upright as her eyelids flew open, her mind suddenly focusing with razor sharp clarity onto the target of her unbridled rage. DAN!

“So anyway,” Dan’s voice came through nonchalantly on the other end, “I’m borrowing the jet and there’s really not a Goddamn thing you can do about it if you don’t want to murder your best friend.”

“Just answer me this…” Elise said coldly.

“Not really under any obligation to play twenty questions with you, but go ahead.”

“How did you figure out how to fly a top-secret, experimental prototype supersonic jet?”

“Please,” Dan said, “who hasn’t played Galaga before?”

“DAN! I swear, if you put so much as a scratch on that jet, I’ll—”

“Oh, quit being such a whiny baby about all this!” Dan cried back.

Elise felt her hand tighten. This was quickly accompanied by a ‘crack’ as a spider web made from broken gorilla glass appeared on the phone.

“Look, we’ll fill up the tank when we bring it back. Does the jet take diesel or unleaded?”

“DAN! It’s an experimental super-jet! It doesn’t take either!”

“Elch…” Dan uttered. “Don’t tell me it runs on biofuel!”

Elise’s eyes flew open wide as she felt her entire body began to shake “Dan… I am just so freakin’ nettled with you, I don’t even know where—”

“Fine! Unleaded plus!”

Elise began a deep guttural roar into her phone, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

“Alright, alright! Unleaded super! Geez, you think we have a magic wallet that never runs out of money, or something…”

“YOU TWO HAVE EXACTLY THAT!”

“Welp, gotta go!” Dan said. “I see France and I promised myself to buzz the Eiffel Tower at Mach 5.”

“DAN! Do not, under any circumstance expose that jet’s existence to the pub—”

Elise’s voice was soon drown out by a roaring sound on the other end, maniacal laughter, and an elated sounding ‘Wheeeeeeee!’”

Author's Notes:

This idea unexpectedly came after I spent pretty much spent the entire day walking around Riga, the capital of Latvia, with a friend of mine. I still have a chapter of something else to finish and I’m not sure if I’ll have a ton of time to get to this immediately or if this means I back to business as usual for a few weeks or not. That being said, it should mean a few more chapters of TW&TB while I continue to work through my ever growing pile of other unfinished stories so I can buckle down for the arcs I really want to get to.

I hope this helps satisfy everyone who missed the continually growing adventures of Goofball and Misanthrope.

Thanks for reading!