The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 142 Pinkie Vs. The Antagonist of Episode 33 of Dan Vs.

One might believe that being a ninja is hard. Having to lurk in the shadows, stealing items from well-guarded rooms, and assassinating targets who are similarly well-guarded are all common tasks for a ninja which commonly end in death if even the tiniest detail is botched.

Ninja Dave, on the other hand, would probably tell you that being a Ninja is very, very easy. Targets and their guards almost never see you coming or even see you at all, even if they’re prepared for trouble. Sneaking becomes second nature once you do it enough times, and killing is no different.

No, being a ninja is not hard at all, Ninja Dave would tell you. He’d contend that it’s becoming a ninja that’s difficult. This task is what often gets many would-be shadow assassins and thieves killed, incarcerated, or even driven insane once they have blood on their hands. Becoming a ninja is a process that bends, shapes, and remolds some and breaks many.

However, hiding in the shadows with a blow dart at the ready, Ninja Dave rarely concerned himself with such things anymore. Even before he technically became an ‘ex-ninja’, his life as a Ninja had become rather easy. And even assignments that looked dangerous on paper turned out to be something of a cake-walk to him in practice. He was simply one of the best in the art of stealth, stealing, assassination, and even close combat when required.

Sneaking into a train depot at night and taking out a handful of androids that didn’t even know he was coming didn’t even come close to the most dangerous-sounding mission he had been tasked with in his mind. Didn’t even crack the top ten, in fact.

Crouching on the link between two railway cars, Dave listened and waited for a potential target to pass. From his position he could only see the cars on the rail across from him, but the spot he was in was not picked for the view to begin with.

Finding a good hiding spot and being able to sit there were also key skills of a ninja. The difficulty of keeping nearly completely still and monotony of the task was yet another thing that rooted out many potential ninja. Even after a short time of keeping still, one is usually compelled to move even slightly. Said movement could get one noticed, and possibly killed.

However, this was just one more skill that Dave had mastered. So he simply sat and waited…

…and waited…

…

…and waited some more.

…

‘Crunch.’

Dave fought back the urge to smile. This is almost too easy…

‘Crunch. Crunch.’

Ever so slowly, he raised his blow dart as the sound of feet crunching against gravel grew closer.

A dark-skinned android with a closely cropped black beard and shaved head suddenly came into view as it walked between the lines of the railway cars.

Ninja Dave made a slight adjustment with his blowgun and blew a gust of air that sent the small dart inside sailing towards the android’s neck.

Dave finally cracked a smile as the dart made contact. This is the part where you fall down…

The android flinched slightly, reached for the dart, and pulled it out. It glared at the dart in its hand before crushing it, and looked up and began to scan the area around it.

Dave slowly lowered his blow gun and frowned. Right… Android… That was kind of stupid… He began to slowly feel around his coat. I must have something a little more substantial to take out an android… Uh… shurikens… smoke bombs… Dave frowned as he looked at his ninjatō. He doubted its ability to cut far into metal. People… Why couldn’t it have been people I needed to fight?

‘Crunch.’

Dave paused and shifted his head ever so slightly, listening behind him.

‘Crunch.’

Great… Now there’s one coming up behind me too…

Dave quickly turned for a small chrome ladder that went up the side of one of the cars and began climbing upwards as quietly as possible. He knew the movement could easily get him spotted, but he felt he had little choice at this point but to risk it.

In a couple of seconds, Dave was on top of a train car with his body pressed flat against the top. If either of the androids below had seen him, they made no indication.

Dave smiled again. Still easy…

“Hello flesh sack,” a monotone feminine voice said.

Dave suddenly sprung to his feet and turned to see a well-toned copy of Elise standing on the railcar right across from him. He sighed. “Okay, now that’s just unfair…”

As the androids below began to close in on his position, Ninja Dave suddenly remembered something a good ninja should always keep in mind: sometimes being a ninja is very, very hard.

Streetlights passed over the blue sedan as it sped on to its next destination. Chris anxiously stared forward as he drove. Though he kept his eyes on the road, his mind was on matters other than the traffic around him. For one, he couldn’t help but listen in on the conversation happening in the backseat of the car.

Chris quickly glanced to his right to see the now familiar sight of Pinkie in a business suit with Mr. Mumbles curled on her lap. For a welcome change, Pinkie absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as she stared out her window, apparently lost in thought as opposed to stewing with rage.

Though he was slightly less concerned about Pinkie, despite the fact that she had loaded a large chainsaw case into his car not more than fifteen minutes prior. However, the animated conversation going on between his wife and Dr. Jean Splicer still had him worried. The two continued to smile happily as they used words he had never even heard before.

Despite the fact that they were heading to what was assuredly certain danger, Chris wished more than anything that the car ride would finally be over. Which was convenient…

“We’re here,” Chris announced.

…because it was.

Chris pulled the blue sedan into a parking space and turned off the headlights and engine.

Pinkie held onto Mr. Mumbles as the group exited the car. They scanned the lines of identical massive warehouses and tall light poles that casted pale light on the concrete below. Past the warehouses, the group could see a concrete dock heading out into the ocean.

Jean squinted slightly as if searching for something. “Didn’t you say some help would meet us here?”

Chris’s face tightened slightly, making his already worried expression turn more anxious. “I’m just wondering why no one else from the bakery has made it here yet.”

Pinkie shook her head. “Whatever! I’m sure they’ll catch up! We need to get our feet heading in Dan-ward direction. He’s not getting any less not rescued with us standing around like this!”

“Wow, that impatient are we?” a feminine voice called out.

The group looked on as the owner of the voice stepped out from behind a warehouse and into view. The light reflected off her smooth, form fitting black-and-chrome body armor and helmet. With the addition of the helmet with its black visor and a triangular antenna on the right side, the armor covered almost every part of the woman’s body. Only her full, pink lips and chin were still visible.

Chris looked at the power-armor wearing individual with a startled look on his face.

Jean, on the other hand, smiled slightly as he scanned the armor up and down with interest.

Pinkie simply looked bored and unimpressed.

Elise motioned out to the woman. “Everyone, I present one of the world’s deadliest assassins, the Lady.”

“Uh… hi…” Chris said.

“Charmed!” Jean said happily.

“Great! Awesome-possum!” Pinkie said as she rolled her eyes. “Can we go now?”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles mewed.

The Lady tilted her head slightly and smirked at Elise. “See… the stealthy stuff is not so hard.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Right, like you arriving ahead of us and standing behind a building is really showing superior sneaking ability.”

“Wait…” Chris said. “Isn’t that the power-armored woman who fought a female ninja on the family cruise we took with your parents?! How do you even—”

Elise quickly turned towards Chris, raising a hand over her forehead and the other over her nose and mouth.

“Oooooooh~!” Chris said as realization dawned on him. “But then—”

Elise cut Chris off with a wave. “Let’s just say we came to an understanding.”

The Lady spoke up, “In this specific case, a case full of money. Did you bring it?”

“Don’t worry your payment is right—”

“Enough with this stupid cloak and dagger stuff!” Pinkie shrieked irritably. “Chris, open the trunk!”

“Gha!” Chris exclaimed as he hurried to the trunk of the blue sedan, inserted a key into the lock in the back, and turned it. Pinkie walked up as the trunk popped open. She bent down and came back up with a shiny, metal briefcase that she lobbed at the Lady.

The Lady casually lifted an arm and plucked the case from the air as it flew towards her. She seemed to gaze at it intently through her visor and then smiled. “Perfect…”

Elise furrowed her brow slightly. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

The Lady shook her head. “No need, my suit confirmed there’s plenty there.” She handed the case to Elise. “Here, I’ll collect later.”

Elise looked mildly surprised as she grabbed the case. “Really? You don’t want it now?”

The Lady tilted her head slightly. “Does it look like I have somewhere to put that? Besides…” The Lady trailed off slightly as a mischievous grin appeared on her face. “… I know where you live.”

Chris tensed. “Well that’s unnerving…”

Elise shook her head. “It’s not as big a deal as you think…”

The Lady smiled. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, let’s take care of this little wolf-man problem of yours and then maybe we can detail out the other part of the bargain.”

Elise rolled her eyes.

‘Thom.’

The group paused as the sound of distant rumbling sounded out.

“What was that?” Chris asked.

Elise shrugged. “microquake?”

The Lady turned towards Elise. “You actually get those here?”

Elise shook her head. “Not usually, but we do get earthquakes…”

‘Thom.’

The group paused and tilted their head slightly as they heard the sound again.

“Do they usually repeat like that?” The Lady asked.

‘Thom.’

“…And get closer?” she added.

“Anyone have a cup I can borrow?” Pinkie asked. “I’d get one myself but my hair is all flat,” she added as if the explanation was perfectly sensible.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Okay… For starters, why would anyone—”

Jean reached into his lab coat and pulled out a small plastic red measuring cup.

Chris sighed. “Never mind…”

“Here you go, Pinkie,” Jean said as he handed Pinkie the cup.

“Great!” Pinkie said as she. “Now I need some water.”

‘Thom.’

“Here,” the lady said holding out her arm. She tilted her hand upwards and with an electronic ‘whir’ a small compartment opened underneath it. A small nozzle popped out water began to pour out, filling the cup.

“That’s good,” Pinkie said once the cup was a little over halfway full.

The Lady lowered her hand and the nozzle retracted back into her suit.

‘Thom.’

Pinkie gently set the cup on the ground and stared at it as Mr. Mumbles bounded off from her shoulders and landed next to the cup. She also stared at the cup and its contents closely.

“What are you doing?” Chris asked.

Pinkie looked up with an irritated expression. “Checking if that sound is coming from a dinosaur.”

‘Thom.’

Pinkie let out an irritated “Grrrrrrrr!” as she stared back down at the cup. “Great! Missed it!”

The rest of the group looked at each other in confusion.

“Uh… Pinkie?” Elise began. “I don’t think it’s a dinosaur… They’re extinct…”

“Mostly,” Chris said.

“Right, mostly…” Elise said.

Pinkie raised her finger up to her mouth. “Shhhhhhh!”

‘Thom.’

Everyone went quiet and simply stared at the cup on the ground.

‘Thom.’

The water rippled out from the center in the cup in a series of perfect circles.

Pinkie suddenly stood up. “Yep. It’s a dinosaur.”

The Lady shook her head. “You can’t possible expect us to believe—”

‘THOM!’

“RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!”

The group collectively jumped and turned with the exception of Pinkie who rolled her eyes. Mr. Mumbles quickly scrambled back up Pinkie and up onto a shoulder.

A large, green Tyrannosaurus-rex bounded up from behind one of the large warehouses. A gold tag around its neck bounced up and down as the ground shook with every step it took closer.

‘Thom, Thom, Thom, Thom…’

“What do we do?!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise reached into her jacket and clamped a fist around something, pulling it out. “RUN!” she cried as she tossed something on the ground. With a ‘Pop!’ smoke suddenly billowed out in all directions.

The large T-Rex paused and even seemed to cough as smoke filled its nostrils.

The group quickly ran and hid behind the nearest warehouse.

“Seriously! A Dinosaur?!” the Lady said in a hushed but forceful tone. “How do you people live like this?”

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly. “Well it’s not like dinosaurs show up all the time.”

Chris spoke up, “No, sometimes it’s wolf-men, or evil androids, or a mummy… or all those things at once!”

“Hey!” Elise protested. “We don’t know if the or even a mummy is involved!”

Chris sighed. “Fine… but I still wish my life had far fewer massive animals that may or may not fire radioactive beams from their eyes.”

Jean grinned sheepishly. “Oh… sorry…” he said through clenched teeth.

Pinkie just stood with a sullen expression on her face while Mr. Mumbles held on tightly to her shoulder, shaking slightly.

Elise peered around the corner and peered at the -tag dangling from a collar. “It’s… it’s Tyra!” she exclaimed.

“Tyra?” Chris asked.

“You know the dinosaur that ate you!”

Jean and the Lady turned to look at Chris in disbelief.

“What?!” the Lady exclaimed. “You got eaten by a dinosaur and lived?! That is so unfa—”

Elise shot the Lady a glare.

“… I mean… How did you do it?”

“Yes!” Jean exclaimed. “You must tell me! I’d love to study that thing from the inside while it was still alive!”

Chris smiled. “It swallowed me whole while I was wearing an old-fashion deep diving suit! I managed to pass right through the entire thing!”

The Lady cringed. “That is the worst thing I have heard, ever.”

“Oh you’re one to complain! I actually found him right after he got out!”

“… Fascinating!” Jean said with an earnest smile.

Elise frowned as she shifted her eyes back towards the dinosaur. “Wait… She’s coming this way!”

Pinkie sighed and smacked a palm against her face. “Do you think maybe carrying a conversation a few dozen yards from the dinosaur was a bad idea?!”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbled mewed in agreement.

“We better move!” Elise said. “Armed to the teeth as we are, I’m not sure we can take out a dinosaur!”

Jean quickly thrust a hand into his jacket. “Wait! It’s big but I just might—”

Pinkie suddenly pried Mr. Mumbles off her shoulders, and thrust the cat into Chris arms.

“MERRRROWWWOERROOOWROOOOW!”

“WHOAAAA!” Chris exclaimed as Mr. Mumbles immediately began angrily clawing at him.

“Pinkie what are you doing?!” Elise cried.

Everyone looked on as Pinkie angrily stormed up to the T-Rex. “I got this, alright?” Pinkie shouted back.

“WHAT?!” Elise cried. “Pinkie! It’s a giant meat eating dinosaur!”

“And it looks angry,” Chris added.

“Yeah? Well I’m angrier,” Pinkie shot back.

Tyra leaned her head and body down as Pinkie approached, suddenly opening her mouth wide and letting out a mighty roar completely with threads of saliva which flew out her gaping maw.

Pinkie just sighed heavily and shook her head before she glared up into open space “Seriously? The dinosaur from episode 33? Don’t tell me you have the shark from episode 11 stashed away somewhere, too!”

…

“OH my gosh! You do! You totally do!”

You can’t prove that!

“See! You didn’t even deny it!”

Tyra paused and lifted her head. She stared down at Pinkie’s sudden unexpected behavior of staring up at the sky and yelling at it… like a crazy person.

“I’M NOT JUST YELLING AT THE SKY AND YOU KNOW IT!” Pinkie shrieked.

Shut up, alright? I have to keep describing what’s going on or the readers are going to wonder what everyone around you is doing!

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “They’re all staring at me like I’ve finally lost my mind like they always do when I argue with you!”

The Lady smirked slightly. “Well, she’s crazier than a buncha cats tied together, but she’s certainly got our number.”

Chris frowned. “I’m not sure what’s more unnerving… That Pinkie is doing this, or that she’s cognitive that it looks weird to other people.”

“Cognizant,” Jean said.

Elise chuckled as she held Mr. Mumbles in one hand and stroked her with the other. “I was just about to say that!”

Chris frowned. “What?”

“You said, ‘cognitive’,” Jean replied holding up an index finger. “Which is more denoting that she’s capable of intellectual activity such as reasoning. The word you meant to say was ‘cognizant’, which denotes more of an awareness about something.”

Chris sighed. “Thanks, I’ll remember that.”

Jean smiled happily. “Anytime!”

The Lady smiled at Jean. “You seem rather bright… Can I ask what you do?”

Jean smiled. “Oh, I’m a doctor.”

“A tall doctor, you say?”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I’m plenty… tall!”

The Lady turned and glared at Chris. “And plenty goofy, too!”

“Now that’s just unkind!” Chris exclaimed.

“Not now!” Elise hissed out through clenched teeth.

A few yards away, Pinkie continued to argue with the sky like the clearly insane pony-person she was.

“I… SHUT UP!” Pinkie cried indignantly. “Look! If you want to talk insane we can discuss some of your strange writing habits!”

Uh… There’s probably a few… Which one did you want to harp on first?

“Oh, I don’t know… Like how you think you need to insert every Dan Vs. character into the story?!”

Not every character…

“CLOSE ENOUGH!” Pinkie shouted up. “EVERYONE GETS IT, ALRIGHT! YOU LIKE THE SHOW! DOESN’T MEAN YOU NEED TO USE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER THAT’S EVER BEEN IN IT!”

No, but I’m doing pretty well so far.

Pinkie shot a look of angry frustration up at the sky and let out a high-pitched “GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Uh… Look… I’ve got like… a ridiculous amount of characters I still need to get to in this arc so I’ll cut you some slack. Just like… throw a bottle of hot sauce at Tyra and she’ll run off.

“Seriously?” Pinkie said, her expression softening quite a bit. “I mean… Not that I’m complaining, but you don’t have like… some massive fight planned out set to music for this?”

There’s like a whole bunch of stuff already going on and more I need to get to some arc! What? Am I supposed to just come up with some sort of epic chainsaw battle set to Blue Oyster Cult’s Godzilla or something… Wait that sounds kind of cool…

Pinkie quickly raised her hands in the air and waved them back and forth. “No wait! Forget I said anything! Here…” Pinkie reached into her jacket and pulled out a small bottle full of some bright orange liquid.

Trya looked perplexed for a second before Pinkie lobbed the bottle her. The bottle shattered on impact against the dinosaur’s snout and broke. Tyra’s first impulse was to roar angrily at Pinkie, her second was to sneeze.

Pinkie merely looked up angrily as her face was sprayed with thick mucus. “Really? Was that really necessary?”

This was soon followed by Tyra looking rather panicked as she lowered her head slightly and feebly waved her tiny arms about as if they had a chance of reaching her snout or the orange liquid dripping into her nostrils.

The rest of the group looked on in shock as the dinosaur turned and bolted down the line of warehouses, the thunderous impacts of its feet against the ground getting quieter as it fled full speed away from them.

Pinkie turned and scowled at everyone else. “Are you all done being useless?!”

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly. “Point of order, I threw the smoke bomb.”

Pinkie sighed as she trudged up to the group. “Fine, whatever!” She said as she collected her bag, chainsaw, and cat. “Let’s just move on so we can deal with the next weird thing dredged from a random episode!”

The group exchanged a few glances and shrugged before leaving their hiding spot and falling in line with Pinkie.

Aaaaaand we’re back! Mostly! Probably… Details posted on my blog.

Author's Notes:

Aaaaaand we’re back! Mostly! Probably… Details forthcoming on my blog.