The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*
Chapter 135 Pinkie Vs. Suit Warehouse

Dan let out a small groan as he woozily returned to a state of consciousness, or at least semi-consciousness. His body still felt rather numb and he felt as if there was some sort of fog around his head making thinking difficult. Feeling an unpleasant poking sensation against his gums (or possibly stabbing, Dan couldn’t quite tell in his current state), his eyes suddenly opened halfway and he attempted to process the slightly blurry sight he was seeing.

Something large, dome-shaped, shiny, and white was poking up just under his nose and this thing seemed to be the source of the unpleasant sensation in his mouth. He look past it and saw what seemed to be a mirror… or at least something that resembled his face, if his face constantly did what appeared to be the visual equivalent of a an echo.

“Ahhh Dan, you’re awake again, good,” the mirror image said with a voice much deeper than his own.

Dan thought through the fog well enough to figure out what was happening. “Uhlg… I’ve clearly died and gone to Hell…” Dan said in what was a somewhat slower, tired version of his regular cadence.

Dan heard a snicker and looked around slightly, seeing a human-shaped blur with blond hair, that he identified as Helen, standing next to another human-shaped blur that had red-and-yellow hair. Dan identified the red-and-yellow-haired blur as ‘That-girl-who-helped-kidnapped-me-and-planted-a-bomb in-Pinkie’s-and-my-apartment’, having not bothered to remember her name at this point.

Helen elbowed Sunset Shimmer lightly. “I think you’re hanging out with the wrong short guy. The one in the chains is clearly your soulmate.”

Dan and Sunset synchronized groans. “Uuuuhhhhhgggg!”

“No way,” Sunset cried.

“Never!” Dan said simultaneously, forcing a little more energy into his voice.

The two began to protest in unison.

“I could never hang out with…”

“… such an obnoxiously loud…”

“… joyless…”

“… whiney…”

“… spiteful…”

“… insufferable…”

“… JER…”

“… BIT…”

The two paused as their eyes widened and they stared at each other. They quickly followed this up by scowling at each other.

Helen chuckled to herself.

Sunset gritted her teeth and began to speak in a low warning, almost threatening even, tone, “Not a word, waitress girl… Not one word.”

“Now Danny,” the shiny white dome said, “you’ll need to stop talking unless you want a cut on your gums.”

“Ulgh...” Dan uttered as he felt what he perceived to be a dentist’s teeth cleaning tool shoved back into his mouth. “Dwon’t call me ‘Dwanny’…” Dan furrowed his brow and concentrated on feeling his hands, attempting to think past the fog and feel past the tingly numbness that seemed to cocoon his entire body. He heard a distant jingling reminiscent of the chains he had been shackled in before, except they somehow sounded far away.

Dan* smiled. “Having trouble focusing are we? I’m not surprised. The good doctor has put enough drugs in your system that you’re barely conscious as it is.”

Dan grimaced at his look-alike and continued to struggle as best he could, however aside from rattling his chains, to what degree he wasn’t sure, he quickly determined he wasn’t getting far.

Dr. Pullum placed the tool he was using on a tray with similar instruments and picked out another.

“So… what…?” Dan asked, his cadence slowing again. “Are you drilling holes in my teeth…? Putting cracks in my enamel…? Slicing up my gums…? Well, despite your best efforts you’ll never break my will to survive long enough until I’ve seen all of you destroyed! …You… you…” Dan trailed off as he mentally swam through the sludge of his brain and attempted to find a suitable insult. “… You fiend!”

“Actually, it’s just a routine cleaning,” Dr. Pullum said. “You always put up such a fight during regular procedures that I didn’t see a point in putting in any more effort than I usually do.”

“… You fiend!”

Those around Dan suddenly turned as there was a sudden ‘Poof!’ accompanied by a pillar of smoke that appeared in the center of the warehouse. The smoke dispersed, revealing two female figures.

“The Grrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeaaat and powerful Trixie has returned!” the female figure wearing a cape announced.

The other female that appeared cleared her throat.

Trixie threw the girl in a simple blue sundress a quick glance. “Oh, and her lovely assistant, too.”

“Assistant?” Fairy Girl said with a grin. “Ye barely did anything compared to me!”

Trixie scowled at Fairy Girl as the two began walking up to the group. “Pulleeease… You may have me beat in raw power, but I’m the one with all the— AHHHH!” Trixie suddenly cried out as she lost her footing, stepping into one of the holes left by Dan ripping out pieces of the floor. She tripped and hit the floor with a soft ‘Thud’. “Trixie down! TRIXIE DOWN!” She cried in a slightly panicky sounding tone.

Fairy Girl stopped and bent down, helping Trixie back up to her feet. “What in the Sídhe happened here?”

Dan* answered her, motioning out to Dan as he did. “It seems our guest here has developed super strength.”

“Well that’s new,” Fairy Girl said. “He certainly didn’t have that ability when I encountered him…”

Dan* nodded. “Hmmm, quite… And he certainly hasn’t run around doing the sort of damage he did here…”

Trixie looked about with a slightly sullen look. “Is no one going to thank me for a job well done!?”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “You put a tape in a VCR. Not exactly the most strenuous task any of us have had to do.”

“And I teleported!” Trixie cried. She gave Sunset a smug look. “You can’t do that! You don’t even know the first thing about real magic.”

Sunset gave Trixie a heavy frown and motioned to some of the damaged areas of the warehouse. “I know it almost killed me.”

Fairy Girl looked at Sunset with interest. “Oh? He did this with magic?”

Another pillar of smoke appeared, this time a thin-framed male covered in black clothing and silver jewelry stood in the center of it. “Yes, Dan has figured out how to tap into the energy of the fourth dimension!” Magnifico cried.

Sunset sighed and brought a palm up to her face. “You just had to hide so you could make an entrance… You couldn’t just stick around and bring this up like a normal person…”

“Hmmph…” Magnifico replied indignantly. “You obviously know little in the way of gratitude if you’re still talking to me like that after I saved you from certain death! You didn’t even offer to get me a coffee!”

“You almost died?” Fairy Girl said in a concerned tone.

“You went for coffee?!” Trixie cried in an outraged tone.

Sunset sighed and walked over to a crate. She grabbed a disposable cup with a plastic lid off of it and walked the item over to Trixie.

Trixie eyed Sunset suspiciously as she grabbed the cup. She took a sip and suddenly a look of sublime contentment came across her as she continued to take small sips out of the slit in the top of the lid.

“You’re welcome,” Sunset said snidely.

Trixie broke out of trance and turned towards Sunset. “Thank you, Sunset. This is acceptable.”

“Whatever,” Sunset said. “You should be so lucky I was willing to order that ridiculous concoction for you.”

“Please,” Helen said, “you still made it a point to whine and moan about it the whole time you ordered it. I think the barista was somehow more sicker of the drink than you by the end of it because of all your complaining!”

“Oh my God!” Sunset cried. “‘Sicker’! Or at least say ‘more sick’!”

“Uhhhhhhhhh…” Dan groaned, the group turned to look at him.

“Iwg chwanged mwy mwignd—” Dan was cut off as Dr. Pullum placed a straw-like device into his mouth, a sound like a small vacuum cut into Dan’s talking.

“AHHHGGGGGGG!” Dan cried.

Dr. Pullum pulled the device out and Dan glared at him. “You’re… you're evil…”

“Well yes,” Dr. Pullum said, “goes along with the whole supervillain thing… However, I was just sucking out the excess fluids out of your mouth so I could continue...”

“… Hate you so much…” Dan replied. “Anyhow, please just kill me so I don’t have to listen to those three anymore.”

Dr. Pullum shook his head as he picked up another dentist tool. “Sorry Danny, but this might take a while… you clearly don’t floss!”

“GHA!” Dan cried as Dr. Pullum returned to cleaning his mouth.

Sunset turned towards Trixie. “What took you two so long anyhow? I mean… magic or not… I’m not entirely sure you two would have been able to do much against a guy who can rip up the concrete floor and throw it, but it would have been nice if he had more options that weren’t us.”

Trixie took a sip of her drink then lowered it. “We stopped for coffee,” she said before taking another sip.

Sunset furrowed her brow as hard as she could possibly furrow it. This ended up breaking her own personal best at brow furrowing, which was no minor accomplishment given Sunset’s eyebrow muscles saw a near constant workout courtesy of her near-constant annoyance. She worked her mouth up and down and attempted to get out a coherent sentence, but only a series of increasingly angrier sounding words came out. “I… what… you…and you… I can’t…”

Fairy Girl smirked. “I think you broke her.”

Trixie frowned as she held her coffee out in front of Sunset. “… Do you want a hit? No backwash, though… I don’t want to taste your gross sali—”

“GHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“EEEEAAAK!” Trixie cried as she broke into a sprint.

Sunset chased after her with a murderous look in her eyes. She extended her hands out in front of her as she reached out for Trixie’s cape.

“Someone save Trixie!” Trixie cried out.

Dan* gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. He looked towards Helen and Fairy girl. “Ladies? I have to set the next stage of our little plan… Could you please make sure Sunset doesn’t kill Trixie before I get back?”

“Donnae worry,” Fairy Girl said. “We’ll make sure Ms. Complains-All-the-Time doesn’t do anything too drastic…”

Dan* smiled. “Thank you, my dear. Just a brief rendezvous to help lead our target to the bait and we can close this trap,” he said before turning and walking away.

Fairy Girl chuckled to herself as she watched Dan* walk towards one of the warehouse doors, the crate that had blocked it off before having been moved. She looked at Helen with a mischievous grin. “Do ye want to place a wager? I bet you twenty dollars Sunset tires out before she catches Trixie.”

Helen smiled. “Oh you are so on!”

“Iwv’e chwanged mwy mwind…”Dan said through the dental tool in his mouth. “… I wanna swee iwf awngry chwick kwills awny off wou befwour Pwinkwie showws wup.”

“WHAT!?” Pinkie snapped angrily as she took the black sunglasses off her face and glared angrily. “What do you mean you ‘can’t stay out late, tonight!?’”

Wally stared at Pinkie past his glasses and dabbed at his forehead with his handkerchief. “I… er… have … uh… plans… with… With my daughter…”

“So!?” Pinkie snapped. “Tell her one of your employees is in mortal danger… again!”

The two stood amongst racks and racks of smart-looking suits and dress shirts. Wally wore his usual outfit of a brown suit over a yellow shirt with a red tie. Pinkie was now wearing a black suit with a white shirt and black tie. Their fellow bakery employees hovered about the store, some now dressed exactly like Pinkie. Some looked on with interest, some perused the racks of clothing, and others pretended to peruse the racks of clothing while glancing occasionally at Pinkie and Wally.

“I… I’m sorry Pinkie, but tonight is just not a good night!” Wally insisted

“Oh, sorry!” Pinkie said sarcastically. “I’ll let Dan’s kidnapper know he should let us all know ahead of time before he does his kidnapping!”

Wally gave Pinkie a crestfallen look then glanced past the racks of suits and smartly dressed mannequins of the store to a window. The sky was beginning to darken as the sun edged ever closer to the horizon, sure to disappear behind some building or another. He shook his head from side to side. “Sorry, I just… I just can’t…” he said before bolting for the door.

Pinkie growled out in frustration then yelled after Wally, “GRRRRRRRR! You’re just lucky there’s someone I still want to slice up way more than you!”

Already dressed in matching suits, Chris and Elise watched as Wally ran out the door.

Chris rubbed his chin as he regarded the scene. “Elise… do you think… maybe… Dan is actually good for Pinkie?”

“What?” Elise said. “I mean… I know Dan makes Pinkie very happy, but just look at her! She’s completely psychotic!”

As Wally rushed out of the store, Ninja Dave and Becky stepped in.

“Hey, Pinkie!” Ninja Dave said. “Got your message, we came as soon as we…”

“WHAT THE HAY TOOK YOU TWO SO LONG?!” Pinkie snapped.

“Whoa, Pinkie!” Becky said as she placed her hands in front of her defensively. “We totally jumped to as soon as we got the word about Dan!”

“WELL THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Pinkie shrieked.

“Whoa, dude!” Ninja Dave said. “Chill out! We’re totally here to help!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Well, you can start by not dragging your feet when I call and—”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Jean called out from the store. “I’m having trouble finding a suit that’ll fit… and hold all my equipment.”

Pinkie turned and scowled. “Can’t you… I don’t know… drink something that makes you lose or gain weight!?”

“That compound only works on hamsters!” Jean shouted back.

Pinkie sighed and trudged off towards Jean.

Elise continued, “Dan gets kidnapped and her response is to bring us all out to get suits so we’ll match when we march on Dan’s crazy look-alike kidnapper and presumably end his life painfully!”

Chris scrunched his lips slightly. “Okay, but how do we know all that is Dan’s fault?”

“You mean aside from the fact she doesn’t want to disappoint Dan by not taking vengeance seriously?”

“Okay, so maybe that explains the bizarre, violent-movie theme to what we’re doing, but I mean the whole straight hair and knife obsession…?”

“Oh come on!” Elise cried. “You and I both know Dan has almost pushed her to using the knife on him on more than one occasion.”

“Right, but that was Dan antagonizing her… and it’s not like he’s been the only factor in her life that’s made it difficult since she’s got here.”

“What do you mean?”

“The very minute she gets here she’s almost mugged. The next day she watches a clothing store get set on fire by the people who work there because she… because she…” Chris’s face went pale. “Uh… anyhow, after that she witnesses a security guard crash his car into a segue and run off from a flaming wreck, and ever since then it’s been more random fires and explosions, monsters, a superhero turned supervillain… You name it!”

Elise shrugged. “Yeah, but that’s just life in the big city for you…”

“Pinkie doesn’t come from the big city!” Chris said. “She comes from that magical pony land where presumably she wasn’t exposed to constant explosions.”

“So you think the way she’s acting is just because Dan getting kidnapped was the straw that broke the camel’s back? That it finally pushed her into being a homicidal maniac?”

Chris frowned. “I… well… I hope this isn’t permanent… But I mean… say Dan was here and… oh, I don’t know… it was one of us or one of our friends that was kidnapped… Do you really think she’d go psycho killer over that?”

Elise paused briefly and thought about this. “… Okay, so she’s probably acting up because she wants Dan back. That doesn’t mean he’s actually good for her.”

“Well, we both know Pinkie can be a bit off and scary if she’s upset, right? And not just with Dan.”

Elise nodded. “True, she actually seemed to loathe Colby in a way I wouldn’t think was even possible for her… not to mention how she felt about my parents… On that note she certainly seemed willing and capable of stabbing Colby… Then there was what she almost did to Jean… er… hippy Jean.”

Chris nodded. “Well, what if she felt that way about a lot of things… I mean… what if there’s lots of things that upset her?”

“There probably are!” Elise said. “It’s just that Dan and her always just write them down and then go off and…” Elise trailed off. “Oh…”

“I think Dan is like a pressure valve for Pinkie. While she’s with him she can let out her anger in short, controlled bursts… If she can’t do that...”

Elise’s eyes widened and she stared off into space. “If she can’t do that, she might be like this forever…”

Pinkie walked up wearing a black suit and tie over a crisp, white shirt. “Hey guys, what do you think about codenames? I mean… ‘Ms. Pink’ might be a little too obvious… I was thinking more ‘Ms. Red’, you know… on account of all the blood I’m going to spill and decorating with the smug-jerk-who-kinda-looks-like-Dan’s entrails... or you know… anyone who gets in our way.”

Chris flashed Elise a concerned look, then turned towards Pinkie. “You mean if uh… Dan Two has backup?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Yeah sure, or you know… security guards that won’t let us in places we need to check out… nosey cops… pedestrians that are using crosswalks when we’re trying to get somewhere…”

Elise’s eyes went wide and she leaned over to Chris and said, “Chris, we have to get Dan back. He at least didn’t run around talking about killing everyone!”

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. “Elise, you’re like two feet away from me! You really need to work on your whispering skills.”

Elise’s cheeks flushed slightly. “Yeah… I know…”

“And besides, I’m not talking about killing everyone, everyone,” Pinkie said. “Just anyone who inconveniences us! Geez, it’s not like I’m an unhinged, deranged lunatic or anything…”

Chris and Elise exchanged nervous looks as well as nervous laughter. “Ah ha… ha… ha ha… ha… haaaa…”

A bearded man with short, silver hair in a black suit and white-and-black striped tie walked up to Pinkie. “I’m sorry, miss but we don’t have any matching suits in your friend’s size.”

Pinkie made a frustrated “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr…” as she reached into her handbag. She wrapped her hand around something and Elise and Chris noticed something shiny and metal catch the light right before they both quickly stepped up and placed their hands on Pinkie’s shoulders. The two positioned themselves in-between her and the store employee.

“It’s fine!” Chris insisted.

Elise nodded. “Jean looks better in a lab-coat, anyhow!”

Chris frowned. “Wait, what?”

“But… but… revengening!” Pinkie whined.

“Come on!” Elise said with a smile. “There was a scientist in Grindhouse!”

Pinkie sneered at Elise. “Yeah, in ‘Planet Terror’ which was the Rodriguez movie!”

Chris spoke up. “Yeah but… doesn’t the guy from ‘Death Proof’ show up at the hospital in ‘Planet Terror’?”

Pinkie furrowed her eyes at Chris. “Yeah, so?”

“So it’s like… you know… the same world and stuff… I mean Rodriguez and Tarantino collaborate on so much stuff anyhow… It’d be like we’re honoring both their films with our… er… revengening…”

Pinkie paused and thought about this. “Well… I do like Rodriguez’s work, too…” Pinkie suddenly smiled. “Especially the Spy Kids series and its spin off movies!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “‘Spin off movies?’”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said nodding her head up and down. “‘Machete’ and ‘Machete Kills’!”

“… Of course…” Elise said as she shot Pinkie a slightly befuddled look.

“It’s alright Pinkie…” Jean said. “My lab coat has all my energy experiment equipment, anyhow…”

“FINE!” Pinkie cried. “I guess I won’t just stab people at the Suit Warehouse even if they can’t do their stupid jobs!”

“What?! Stab people?!” the silver-haired employee cried.

“Oh never mind her!” Elise said as she walked up to the employee gently placed her hands on his shoulders. She led him back to the fitting area. “She’s just having an off day… Boyfriend kidnapped, kidnapper tried to maim her with a hidden bomb… that sort of thing…”

“Uh… okay…” The employee replied. “Well, I’m sure the police will find them soon.”

“Police… riiiiight…” Elise said as she escorted the employee up to Ninja Dave and Becky.

Chris watched the two walk away then turned to Pinkie. “So… once we mostly all have matching suits, what then?”

“Once we’re all suited and code named up, we fan out!” Pinkie replied.

“Okay… but where?” Chris asked.

“Look! Dan was chained up in a big open place in front of a metal wall thingy, right?”

“I don’t know, you’re the only one who saw the vid—”

“Right! So, d’uuuuuuh, obviously Dan is in a big, metal warehouse somewhere! So, we’ll split up into groups and track down this warehouse, figure out which one it is, meet up there, and stab Dan’s stupid look-alike until he stops moving forever, rescue Dan, then Dan and I go home and get to enjoy some quality smochees!”

Chris frowned. “Do you really think it’ll be that—”

Pinkie continued, “And then comes the hours and hours of passionate, hot, sweaty monkey se—”

Chris’s face went pale. “Pinkie!”

“What!?”

“There’s a child present!”

Gibson, already dressed in a suit, looked up from a rack of dress shirts he was perusing. “Dude!” he protested. “I’m sixteen! I read and see worse things every day on the internet!”

Amber, similarly dressed in a suit, raised an eyebrow and stared at Gibson from a couple racks over. “You really need to figure out when to keep things to yourself.”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried. “Stop doing your weird tsundere relationship stuff! We’ve got to get moving soon!”

Becky chuckled.

“He’s sixteen!” Amber cried. “We weren’t doing… whatever it was you’re talking about!”

Gibson frowned. “We weren’t?”

“So, speaking of getting moving soon,” Chris said. “Should someone get a list of warehouses to check, or something?”

Pinkie smirked and held out her hand. “Sarge?”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge said as he immediately rushed to Pinkie’s side and handed her a small stack of papers.

Pinkie grabbed the papers and held them up so Chris can see. An aerial map of Los Angeles was printed on the page with many areas circled in red. “I already had Sarge look into potential places Dan is being held at.”

“Oh…” Chris said. “So we just need to split off into groups and start looking for Dan then?”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “No, you dummy! I already said we need to figure out code names first, d’uuuhhhh!”

Chris sighed. “Right, of course… What was I thinking?”