The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.
Chapter 124 Dan Vs. Bears

Dan quickly reached out and grabbed Pinkie’s arm. “Do not try to make friends with a mother grizzly bear and its cubs!”

“But I want to see if they have porridge!” Pinkie cried.

Dan placed his face within an inch of Pinkie’s and gently caressed one of her bandaged cheeks. “Goofball, let me love you. Don’t make this hard for us.”

Pinkie raised a hand to Dan’s and rubbed her bandaged cheek against his palm. “Awwww, alright Dan.”

Elise and Becky both narrowed their eyes and shot dagger-like glares at Dan.

Dan caught the look. He took a step away from Pinkie and motioned out to her with his free hand. “She was going to walk into a room with three bears.”

Becky spoke up, “Still, that seemed pretty manipulative, dude.”

Elise nodded in agreement.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Sorry if I think Pinkie would be a lot harder to love if she was a corpse.”

Elise and Becky scrunched their lips up slightly and thought about this.

“What if I was a zombie? Omn…” Pinkie suggested cheerfully.

Dan pulled up his face into a mildly disgusted look. “Harder still.”

“Vampire?” Pinkie said.

Dan narrowed his eyes again. “We already had that chance. You said ‘no’.”

Pinkie folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “I was just being hypothetical, d’uh!” Pinkie raised the last bit of her cookie into her mouth and ate it with an “Omn…”, she then held up her empty hand expectantly.

Ninja Dave walked over to a Tupperware container on the counter, retrieved a cookie, and walked up to Pinkie. He placed the cookie in Pinkie’s hand.

“Thank you!” Pinkie said sweetly.

Ninja Dave nodded.

“… Am I a vampire too in this situation?” Dan asked.

Most of the group looked on at the couple in mild irritation. Becky looked on with interest.

“Uhh… Does it matter?” Pinkie said.

“Your feet are already ice-cold when you crawl into bed most nights,” Dan said. “I’m doubting snuggling someone with no body heat.”

Pinkie smiled. “Fiiiine~, you can be a vampire too.”

“Easier,” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie nodded then stared up. “Let’s see… what else, what else…”

“Ghoul!” Becky suggested excitedly.

The group collectively gave her a strange look.

Dan flung his hands out. “Oh, that’s almost the same as zombie!” Dan whined.

“Lich!” Becky said.

Dan tapped an index finger against his stubble covered cheek as he thought about this. “Yeaaaah, no. Still harder. Pinkie would be all bony.”

“What if you were a lich, too?” Pinkie asked.

“How would that make a difference?” Dan asked. “You’d still be bony!”

“You’d be bony, too! Omn…” Pinkie replied.

“So!?” Dan cried. “That doesn’t mean my standards for what’s attractive would have changed!”

Elise leaned forward. “Dan, if I said I was sorry about questioning how you handled Pinkie, would this conversation end?”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Elise. “Chris, I think your wife is having a mini stroke. She’s speaking gibberish.”

Elise sighed. “… I thought as much.”

From the other room, the mother bear uttered a low, menacing growl. “Grrrrrrrrhhhh…”

“Uh Dan,” Wally said in a worried tone, “I think you’re upsetting the mother bear…”

“And I think you’re interrupting an important conversation!” Dan snapped back. He turned back towards Pinkie. “Now where were we?”

“Mummy?” Pinkie suggested with a smile.

“You know how I feel about mummies!” Dan cried angrily.

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes. “I know how you feel about a mummy.” She grinned. “But what if I was wrapped up just right, with my Egyptian cotton just barely covering my naughty bits?”

Gibson’s eyes went wide. “Easier...” he said, his voice cracking slightly as he did.

Dan shot Gibson a glare. “Sarge, please hit mouthy teen with your bell.”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge said as he reached into his pocket.

“What?!” Gibson protested. “She’s hot.”

‘SMACK!’

‘RIING!’

“OW!”

A satisfied expression on his face, Dan turned back towards Pinkie. “Easier, but I can’t help but feel you stacked things in your favor on that last one…” he said, maintaining his smile.

Elise turned to Chris. “How the heck do you guys get anything done with these two?”

Chris shrugged. “They’re pretty focused when it comes to baking… also Dan usually stops when he has to yell at someone who’s irritating him. Usually someone who’s eating straight from the display case, or dropped something, or eating frosting by the spoonful…”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “Two of those three things were things you do, weren’t they?”

Chris frowned. “Maybe…”

Gibson rubbed his head and motioned to the open door next to the kitchen area. “There’s still a room full of bears we need to do something about!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine! Mouthy teen, go feed yourself to the bears.”

“What?! Why?!” Gibson cried.

“Uh, Dan…?” Chris said tentatively.

Dan grinned wickedly at Gibson, ignoring Chris. “Maybe they’ll get sleepy and we can sneak past them!”

Gibson frowned. “Do we even know what we’re supposed to do with the bears?!”

Dan and Pinkie stared at Gibson briefly then looked up at the trio of old men above them.

“Hey!” Dan called out. “What are we supposed to do about the bears?”

Balthazar shouted back, “You’re supposed to get past them! There’s a door on the other side of the room where your next challenge lies.”

Dan turned back to Gibson. “See?! There you go! Go feed yourself to the bears!”

Gibson frowned heavily as his eyes opened wide.

“But before you do that, Pinkie and I were in the middle of a conversation before we were rudely interrupted!”

Chris tried to speak up again. “Hey guys, why don’t I ju—”

“Dan,” Elise exclaimed, “can’t you just table that discussion until the threat of being mauled by wildlife has passed?!”

“Awwww…” Becky uttered in disappointment.

“Wait, one more,” Pinkie said as she held up her index finger. She grinned mischievously at Dan. “What if I was a zombie ape?” Pinkie’s grin went supernova.“Hypothetically speaking, that is.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You know what Pinkie? Go make friends with the bears.”

Pinkie beamed. “What do you think the bears will like more? Fireworks or noise makers?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why not both?”

Pinkie gasped. “Genius!”

“Pinkie!” Elise called out.

“Yes, Elise?”

Chris frowned. “Hey, you know we can prob—”

Elise held up her hand. “Just a second, Chris.” Quick! Think fast! She quickly reached a hand into her pocket and pulled out her keys. “Look how shiny my keys are!” Maybe that was too fast…

Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air as Elise’s keys jangled in front of her. “Oh my gosh, those are shiny!”

Elise grinned. “I know, right?”

“How are they even doing that?!” Pinkie cried.

“I uh… don’t know! Would you like to hold them?”

“Oh, I do! I do! I do!” Pinkie cried as she balled her hands and held her fists up by her face excitedly.

Elise handed Pinkie her keys. Pinkie gleefully accepted them, grinning happily to herself as she held them up in front of her face.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Really? A set of keys?”

“A set of keys what?” Pinkie replied as she jangled the keys in front of her a few more times. “Hehehe, jingle, jingle…”

“It just seems a little childish even by your standards.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m feeling pretty light-headed…”

Ninja Dave spoke up, “You did lose an awful lot of blood.”

Pinkie raised a cookie in her free hand and took a bite. “Omn… Ywou thwink someone will fwind it?”

D.H. smiled. “Maybe they have a lost-and-found here!”

Dan sighed and shook his head.

“So uh…” Wally began, “about this bear…”

“I’M WORKING ON IT!” Dan snapped.

Chris spoke up. “You know, if you’d just…”

“Quiet, monkey-face!” Dan called out. “We’re brainstorming about our bear problem, and no doubt anything you say will be dumb and unhelpful!”

Chris sighed heavily.

Dan looked towards Crunchy. “Hey, Crunchy… You’re a filthy, tree-hugging hippy, right?”

Crunchy nodded. “Guilty as charged, brah.”

“And you like animals, right?”

“I love all of Mother Nature’s creations.”

“Great!” Dan said with a smile. “Now go feed yourself to the bears.”

Crunchy briefly glanced at the angry mother bear then back to Dan. “Uh, boss man? Don’t you get something from Pinkie if we all live?”

“Oh right…” Dan said as his eyes widened slightly. “Don’t feed yourself to the bears,” he said, pointing at Crunchy.

Amber spoke up, “Not that I have any problem with all of us surviving—”

“Awwww!” Gibson said cried as he turned towards Amber. “You do care!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Only that in if you die, I’m sure your mom would hunt us down one by one.”

“Well…” Gibson began, trailing off slightly. “Not all of you…”

Amber continued as she looked at Dan, “I’m still surprised painting fingernails is all it takes for you to give up on sacrificing employees who annoy you.”

Ninja Dave nodded in agreement. “Fingernail painting does seem like an odd thing to adopt a ‘no man left behind’ mantra.”

Dan grinned. “It’s not just fingernails~!” he sang out.

D.H. gasped. “You mean…?”

Dan grinned at her. “Yep! Fingers and toes!”

D.H. and Dan both made elated, high pitched squeals as the brought their hands up to their faces and squeezed their fists excitedly.

“GRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

“Oh look,” Amber said in a dry tone. “Those bears we’re ignoring are still in the room and the mother is getting angrier as we just stand here right outside in clear view of her and her cubs.”

Dan shot Amber a scowl. “No one likes a negative attitude, Amber. What happened to all that hippy, ‘find your center’ crud you used to do?”

“I finally decided it wasn’t working and decided to just express my anger after committing breaking and entering and assault with you, remember?! How am I doing expressing myself, by the way?”

Dan frowned. “I think you’re expressing a little too much anger. Maybe you should try some breathing exercises, or some calming chamomile tea.”

Amber’s left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. “GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!”

The mother bear roared angrily from the other room, “GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

“Uh everyone?” Wally said in a nervous tone as he pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead. “There’s still an angry bear in the room next to us.”

“GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

The corners of Wally’s already frowning mouth sank slowly on his face as if it had just wandered into quicksand… of the face. “And she’s getting angrier,” Wally added.

Chris smiled. “Well, I think—”

Dan turned back to Amber and flung his hands out to his sides. “Way to go Amber! Way to make the bear angrier!”

“AAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGG!” Amber roared. “That’s it! I’m going to kill him!”

“Yes!” Elise exclaimed happily.

Pinkie looked at Elise, puffed her lips out and whimpered slightly.

Elise pursed her lips as she noticed Pinkie’s whimper. “Uh… I mean… No! Bad Amber! Killing Dan is wrong!”

Pinkie gave Elise a satisfied nod.

“I DON’T CARE!” Amber cried. “I’M REALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME!”

“Crunchy, D.H., Sarge!” Dan barked out. “Operation flighty broad!”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge called out.

Amber lunged at Dan as D.H. quickly threw her arms around her. Crunchy and Sarge quickly rushed over and helped restrain the irate woman.

“LET ME GO!” Amber cried as she struggled against the three people holding her. “HE NEEDS TO DIE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HUMANITY!” Dan took a step back as Amber reached out with an outstretched hand, her fingers tensed into an angry claw-like shape.

“Whoa! Save it for the bear!” Dan cried.

“Dan,” Chris said, “I don’t think we should send Amber in to fight the bear. I think—”

Gibson quickly raised a hand. “I second Amber not getting sent to be mauled by a bear.”

Chris sighed and shook his head.

“Awww,” Dan whined out as he motioned to Amber, “but she’s crazy when she’s angry! Also kinda scary.”

“I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO MURDER YOU!” Amber shouted out.

“See?!” Dan said as he motioned to Amber.

“Can I let go now?” D.H. asked. “I think she’s trying to claw out my eyes to get free, and they sort of don’t work that great as it is…”

“Yer doin’ fine,” Dan said.

“Dan,” Pinkie began in a pleading tone, “please don’t let Amber go into the room with the bears all angry and shouty like that!”

“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “I’m just helping her focus her anger in a more constructive manner, i.e. attacking a bear!”

Wally cleared his throat. “Speaking of the bear—”

Dan rolled his eyes. “What is it with you and the stupid bear?!”

“Well, I uh… I’d kind of like to figure out what to do about it before it decides to leave the room and attack us,” Wally said.

“Well, what do you think I’m doing?!” Dan huffed out.

“I’d also like to come up with a plan where no one gets mauled,” Wally added.

“Fiiiiiine!” Dan replied. “Maybe if enough of you all rush the bears you can subdue them and we can get past them.”

“I think we can do this without physically attacking, and being attacked, by the bears, Dan,” Chris said.

Dan looked into the room with the bears, then turned back to Chris. “You have a better idea of how to get pass the bears, doofus?”

Chris folded his arms over his chest. “You know, I might.”

“Well don’t keep us all in suspense!” Dan cried. “We’re all waiting for your stupid idea.”

Chris nodded. “I think we can serve them food.”

“Pretty sure I already suggested that when I wanted to send in mouthy teen,” Dan replied.

“Dude!” Gibson exclaimed. “What happened to Amber being on the bottom?”

Pinkie attempted to stifle a laugh. “Pffffthahaha… Maybe it wasn’t a good angle for—”

“Pinkie!” Amber cried out as her face flushed. “You stop that right now, or I will deck you!”

Chris grumbled to himself as he walked off towards the room occupied by bear cubs and their angry mother.

“Amber,” Pinkie cried excitedly, “you’re not seething with blinding hatred for Dan anymore!”

Sarge, D.H., and Crunchy cautiously loosened their hold on Amber.

Amber sighed heavily. “Sure… for now…”

Pinkie grinned. “Was it the power of love?!”

Amber’s eyes widened in surprise “I… what?” She turned and looked at Gibson briefly, then back to Pinkie. “I mean… No… just… l… GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Sarge, D.H., and Crunchy quickly grabbed hold of Amber as she attempted to lunge at Pinkie.

“Eeep…” Pinkie said quietly as backed off from Amber. “Well, someone sure is tsundere today.”

Becky broke into a fit of laughter.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,” Amber cried angrily, “BUT I’M PRETTY SURE I SHOULD THRASH YOU FOR IT!”

Wally sighed heavily. “So, we’re just going to sit here and argue until the bear decides to come out and claw our faces off? Is that the plan?”

“Seriously?!” Dan cried. “Don’t you have anything else to moan about?! We have problems too!”

Wally frowned heavily at Dan. “Well, I figured we could concentrate on the one problem we all have. That is, that there’s an angry bear in there that might come out and attack us.”

“Yeah, she won’t be doing that,” Chris informed.

Dan glared at Chris. “And just where did you run off to? We’ve got an Amber alert over here to deal with!”

Ninja Dave spoke up, “Dude, you do realize that’s an actual thing, right?”

“Of course I do!” Dan shouted back angrily. “What else would you call it when Amber is indulging on rage and trying to attack people?!”

Dave sighed and turned to Elise. “How do you put up with this?” he asked as he motioned to Dan.

Elise shrugged. “I remind myself that people I care about would be very sad if something were to happen to Dan.”

Pinkie giggled to herself as she continued to stare at the keys in her hand. “Wowie-zowie! Can you imagine how many doors these things open?! I mean, it’s got to be…” Pinkie paused and counted the keys, “… at least six!”

“… Also that those people I care about have better days than others,” Elise added.

“Look!” Chris cried. “I just went up to the bear and talked to it!”

Dan paused and looked into the room. The bears were sitting neatly at the table, grazing on a collection of cupcakes and muffins.

From above the group, Caspar sighed to himself.

Melchior glanced over. “I told you we should have done the lions!”

“But I thought we should change things up from cats! How was I supposed to know they had a Canadian amongst them!?”

Balthazar stroked his chin. “Maybe we need to expand our opening ine of questions to include if anyone can talk to animals…” he mused.

Below the men, Dan continued to argue with Chris. “So you could speak bear and you never told usthis entire time?!”

“I tried!” Chris replied. “Like… half a dozen times! Besides, you’ve seen me talk to a bear before! Don’t you remember our first trip to Canada?”

Dan thought back…

Dressed in an outfit composed of a suit jacket over his ‘JERK’ T-shirt, slacks, a top hat, and monocle, Dan held out a fishbowl-shaped wine glass and one hand as a sharply dressed, middle-aged man poured a bubbly, neon green liquid into it.

Dan regarded the man through his monocle as he lounged in his comfortable-looking leather seat. “Thank you Alfred,” Dan said as he swirled the green liquid in his glass. “Now be a good chap and hike to the front of the limo. I would very much like to hear from Jarvis how much longer it is until we’ve reached northern Canada.”

Alfred bowed slightly. “Very good, sir.”

Dan turned to another seat back in the limo. “Well, Chris old bean, soon we can rid the world of the Canadian menace with a single avalanche of snow and ice! We should finish just in time for me to accept my Nobel peace prize.” Dan smiled. “Good thing my scientific research uncovered the secret of the weak point in their glacier.”

From a seat across from Dan, Chris sat wearing a tall, cone-shaped dunce cap as he swung an irate cat by its tail. “I’m the second biggest idiot, ever!”

Chris narrowed his eyes at Dan. “Dan, you don’t have a limo, butlers, or a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Well I should have a Peace Prize considering they’ll just hand out one to anybody nowadays!”

Becky chuckled. “Ouch… burn notice, Nobel committee…”

Chris continued, “Also, I told you about the weak spot in the glacier!”

“WHAT?!” Elise cried.

“Uh… hey,” Chris began nervously, “now that the bears are happily eating, we should probably move on to the next challenge.”

Dan smiled and wrung his hands together. “Looks like our unstoppable team of competent bakers has completely obliterated another test!”

“Finally!” Wally huffed out.

Tired from her struggles, Amber collapsed into a heap on the ground. Tired from struggling with her, Crunchy and D.H. collapsed on top of her as Sarge simply looked on with a concerned expression.

“Hufff… So… angry… puff… but… tired…” Amber uttered from the bottom of the baker pile.

“Jingle-jingly, hehehehehe…” Pinkie said as she continued to stare at Elise’s keys.

Dan frowned as he looked over the group. “I’d be mad, but I’m honestly not sure what I was expecting from you all.”

Gibson smiled. “On the plus side, no one got mauled by a bear!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “My heart’s all aflutter.” He sighed. “Alright, crew. Speech time.”

The group of bakers huddled up near Dan.

Dan continued, “You’re weird. Many of you seem to be suffering from bizarre mental afflictions that probably make it hard to function in society... I’m still amazed some of you show up to work wearing pants or a skirt most days, and I don’t care for how many of you smell, you also look funny, dress weird… Also many of you disappoint me pretty much at least once anytime I work a shift with you, usually more often than that—”

“Dan, are you actually going anywhere with this?” Chris asked.

“EXCUSE YOU CAPTAIN RUDENESS! IF YOU’D BE SO KIND AS TO LET ME FINISH, JUST MAYBE YOU’D FEEL INSPIRED BY MY ROUSING SPEECH!” Dan paused and tapped an index finger against his chin. “Now where was I?”

Pinkie smiled. “You were telling us what huge disappointments we all are!”

“Right!” Dan replied. “You guys are horrible…. Just the worst…”

Half of Dan’s fellow bakery employees narrowed their eyes and glared at Dan. However, the other half looked on with hopeful smiles and slightly moist eyes.

Dan continued, “However, you’ve all made it this far, so you can’t all be completely terrible! With this crew and my leadership… mostly my leadership… I’m fairly certain we can get through these tests without anyone dying horribly! So let’s go through this room and onto the next challenge for Pinkie!”

Pinkie placed her partially eaten cookie in her mouth and happily clapped her hands.

“Hurray!” D.H. said cried excitedly. “We’re not total disappointments!”

Crunchy smiled. “I know, we’re totally moving up in the world!”

“Excellent speech, sir!” Sarge said as he rung his bell in approval.

“You’re lucky I’m still resting,” Amber growled out in irritation.

Chris turned to her. “You know, that was actually one of Dan’s better speeches…”

Wally frowned. “Maybe I should do the speeches from now on…”

“Can we just move on?” Gibson asked. “It’s getting late and my mom’s gonna be upset as it is…”

“Alright minions, that’s enough praise for now,” Dan said. “Onward!” he cried as he motioned towards the doorway.

The group followed Dan into the room occupied by the bears.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

No sooner had the group filed into the room than they ran out, an angry mother bear in pursuit.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE BEARS WERE EATING!” Dan yelled at Chris.

“They were!” Chris shot back. “We must have took so long that they finished!”

“GHAH!” Dan cried he continued to run. “Why can’t any of you just stay focused long enough to do one simple thing?! Just go talk to her again, or something!”

“Oh, so now that we’re being chased by an angry bear, my idea is worth something!”

Amber turned to the two arguing friends. “WOULD YOU TWO JUST DO SOMETHING SO WE DON’T DIE?!”

Dan sighed. “There’s that disproportionately high angry response, again!”

“GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Their presence missed by the bear, Elise, Ninja Dave, and Becky lounged against a counter and watched as the mother bear chased the bakery workers about.

Ninja Dave spoke up, “Still upset you don’t get to participate?”

Elise frowned. “I’ll grant that the obstacle courses I’m used to tend to involve less wild bears.”

Becky smiled and turned to Ninja Dave. “I’m just glad you’re still safe,” she said as she reached out and gave his hand a squeeze.

“OH, NINJA DAVEY! Pinkie called out. “I NEED ANOTHER COOKIE! I HAD TO THROW THE REST OF MY LAST ONE AT A BEAR!”

Ninja Dave sighed and walked off towards the bakery group. Members of the bakers began to break off from the group and scatter as the bear continued to chase down Dan, Chris, and Pinkie.

From high on their perch above the group Caspar and Melchior cackled as Balthazar watched with interest.

“See!” Caspar said as he motioned downward. “The bear worked out after all.”

“Good,” Melchior responded with a wicked grin peeking out from under the shadow of his cowl. “This group still continues to be of supreme interest.”

Balthazar frowned as he looked down. “You know there’s nothing to stop them or the bear from running up here…”

“Fear not,” Melchior said. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my—”

A pink flash suddenly rushed by the three men. Dave followed, sprinting along with a cookie in his hand. Dan and Chris were last, continuing to argue back and forth.

“SERIOUSLY! JUST STOP AND TALK TO HER!” Dan cried.

“You know, with how you’ve been treating me, I’m not sure I want to!” Chris shot back.

“SHE’S GOING TO EAT YOU!” Dan shot back.

“I’m on good terms with her, thank you very much!”

Balthazar and Caspar looked down the steps at the rapidly approaching bear. They frowned and turned back to Melchior.

Melchior frowned. “Run! Just run, you fools!” he cried. With surprising speed, he rose from his chair and followed the group.

Balthazar and Caspar broke into a sprint in pursuit.

Caspar sneered as he rolled his eyes. “‘Fences to separate us from the rooms would just be a waste of money!’” he said in a mocking tone. “‘Why would we ever need a fence indoors?’”

“Alright already!” Balthazar snapped back as he ran along with Caspar. “I’ll try to be a little less stingy with the budget!”

Caspar grinned and nodded. “That’s all I ask… You know… in addition to not getting eaten by a bear, that is…”