The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples
Chapter 104 Pinkie Vs. Kidnappers

Author’s notes: There’s a reference to one of my other ongoing fics All That Shimmers below. You can all thank Wacky for inspiring a Team Four Star approach to Pinkie’s screaming for that part and the part that follows.

In what was usually a quiet Los Angeles suburb, Dan Mandel stroked his pet cat as he lounged against his car and stared down the street at a large, two-story tall, adobe home. On the other side of the car, Amber leaned her elbows against the roof of the small hatchback with a bored expression on her face. Light shined through a set of glass double-doors on a balcony just above the house’s garage, practically beckoning the trio to peek inside. However an unusual disturbance in this usually quiet Los Angeles suburb kept them from approaching while assuring them that the person they intended to save was probably, mostly okay, at the very least.

Anyone who saw Dan and the woman next to him would likely conclude they were up to no good. Being decked out in matching black outfits that practically screamed criminal, the two looked like they were either about to commit a crime, or at least about to be filmed pretending to commit a crime for some T.V. drama or commercial decrying the act of online piracy by making comparisons to stealing tangible objects.

Oddly enough, as illegal as the activities the two were considering perpetrating, their only targets were ones who had already committed crimes likely in excess of anything they had planned for the night.

Despite dressing in a fashion that would assuredly warrant attention from a neighborhood watch or the police, this usually quiet Los Angeles suburb was far more distracted with something else it was unaccustomed to dealing with.

“...BEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAATATATATATATAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”

Amber sighed as she turned to Dan and began to speak, “Do you think Pinkie’s screaming is capable of exploding heads?”

“Possibly Martins',” Dan said jokingly. “Especially the parts that sound like yodeling.”

“...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHEEEEEENIMCAAAAALLIIIIINGYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH…!”

Dan motioned out towards the house. “There you go!”

Amber shook her head. “I guess I have to give some credit to Jean and crew for putting up with this for so long… Unless they’ve somehow passed out…”

“...BADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERMUSHROOMMUSHROOMCREEEEEEEEDCREEEEEEEEEEDCREEEEEEDCREEEEEE…!”

Dan shook his head. “Naw, something about Pinkie’s screaming seems to make passing out impossible.” He turned towards Amber and cocked an eyebrow as he pointed at his head while spinning his finger around. “It kind of gets in your brain and reverberates, keeping you alert while you slowly go mad.” Dan paused and turned. “You know, like how Hell probably sounds like."

Sunset Shimmer grumbled irritably to herself as she stared out into the barren landscape punctuated by the odd jagged rock or fiery pit. Alright, it’s official, she’s messing with me. She figured I already got used to a little banter before being julienned or charbroiled so now she’s sussed out the most boring way to get under my skin… uh… figuratively. Note to self: Don’t say that last sentence out loud when I see her again.

Sunset did an about face and stared out at more barren landscape, rocks, and fiery pits. Uhg… Why does Hell have to be so unnervingly quiet?! I would have expected some tortured yelling of the damned, or evil cackling from a horde of demons, or maybe—

“…YOLOSWAGTUMUTLOLWTFBBQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…”

Sunset glanced up to the grey skies with a confused look on her face. … Okay… just… what? She shook her head as if trying to clear it. Dear Sunset Shimmer, please stop mentally wishing for things you will later regret. Sincerely, yourself. P.S. Seriously, what the heck was that? … Whatever it was, it did sound vaguely familiar.

Inside Twilight's Library, Spike, Button Mash, and Sweetie Belle all sat at a round, wooden table. They all giggled with each other as they as they twirled and stroked the matching black mustaches on their faces.

Spike produced a scroll and held it up in front of him. “Alright, so now that we all have real, magic mustaches courtesy of support member Twilight Sparkle—”

“Please, don’t include me!” Twilight cried from her spot on the floor as she laid down reading a book. “Just because you asked for my help doesn’t mean I’m complacent with this club of facial hair and bad puns!”

“What?!” Spike protested. “Our puns are awesome!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You three have about half a dozen puns you just keep recycling over and over again!” she pointed out.

Button Mash spoke up. “Well, that’s why Sweetie Belle has proposed a change to club proceedings!” Button grinned. “If it passes we'll be able to add way more length and volume to our jokes!”

Button and Sweetie Belle looked at each other and began giggling.

Spike sighed as he went to looking at his scroll and went back to address the club. “On that note, new business, Sweetie Belle proposed we expand our meetings to include mane puns.” Spike motioned out to Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie Belle, your argument for?”

Sweetie Belle nodded. “There’s only so many mustache puns we can make.” Sweetie Belle grinned. “As a result, it seems we also have to cut each meeting a little short.”

Sweetie Belle and Button Mash exchanged glances and giggled once more.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Alright, now my argument against.” Spike curled one of his claws into a fist and brought it up to his mouth. He cleared his throat and pointed at the top of his head. “I don’t have a mane, I’d be left out.”

Sweetie Belle frowned as she looked Spike over. “Oh shoot, you’re right. I guess it’s not a very fair idea.”

“Oh well, you know what they say,” Spike said as he did his best to maintain a straight face, “‘hair today, gone tomorrow’!”

Sweetie Belle and Button paused briefly before they both broke into a fit of giggles that soon erupted into full blown laughter. “…. heheheheahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Twilight simply let out a pained groaned as Spike blew on his fist and rubbed it against his chest with a satisfied look on his face.

“…HAHAHAHAHehehehehe…” Button managed to get a handle on his laughed. “Hey! I have an idea, why doesn’t Twilight give you a mane with magic!”

“Hey, yeah!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

“Oh, that is a great idea!” Spike exclaimed. He turned towards to Twilight. “Whataya say, Twilight? Can I get a matching cover for my dome to go with this lip action?”

Twilight sighed out in exasperation, “Fine!”

With a purple glow of Twilight’s horn, Spike’s head also began to glow as a big, black pompadour hairdo appeared on top of his head, extending up and past his forehead by several inches.

“Sweet!” Spike said as he lifted his claws to his head and ran them threw his newly created locks of hair.

“Awesome!” Button declared.

“Wow!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “That’s really—”

Sweetie Belle paused a strange noise began to resound through the air, starting softly at first then quickly increasing in volume to something quite obnoxious sounding.

“…BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGSOOOOOOMETHINGSOMETHINGDAAARKSIIIIIIIDE…”

Button Mash placed his forehooves on his signature propeller beanie and tried to pull it down over his ears as a strange sound pierced the air. “AAAAAHHHHH! What the heck is that?!”

Spike, who likewise wore a mustache, covered the fins on the side of his head and cried, “MaAaAaAaAaAaAke it stop!”

Sweetie Belle also covered her ears. “Eeeek! What a hair-raising experience, right guys?”

Despite the horrible sound the seemed to reverberate through the very world itself, Spike and Button Mash soon found themselves in hysterics.

“…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

“STOP MAKING HORRIBLE PUNS!” Twilight cried. “You three have somehow made me wish Dan was here to play pun police!”

“…ZOOOOOIIIIIDDDDDBBBBEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGERBRBRBRBRBRBRBR…!”

“We need to figure out where this sound is coming from! It kind of sounds like...” Twilight trailed off as she tilted her head and perked one of her ears up into the air. “…Pinkie Pie?”

“HOW CAN SHE STILL BE GOING?!” Flynn cried as he pressed his hands against his ears with all the strength he could muster.

“AHHH!” Jennifer cried as she also kept her ears covered. “Can we at least duct tape or mouth shut or something?! This is unbearable!”

Jason held aloft a small notepad as he declared, “I JUST FILLED A NOTEPAD WITH THE WORD ‘PINKIE’ OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND I’M STILL GETTING ANGRIER AND ANGRIER!”

“…SAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAOOOOOODIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”

“BE STRONG!” Jean cried. “We have to show Pinkie there’s a better way!”

Jennifer turned her increasingly frustrated-looking face towards Jean. “I’M NOT SURE THERE IS AT THIS POINT!”

“WELL SOMEONE BETTER DO SOMETHING!” Jason cried. “I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS!”

“…OOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAOOOOOODIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOOOOOODIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYTTTAAAAAAAAAAAADDAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAADDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—OWCH!”

The group looked towards Pinkie as her screaming came to a sudden halt. Dennis stood in front of her and retracted his foot from Pinkie’s shin as he glared up at the pink-haired girl. “SHUT UP!” he cried.

“Owie…” Pinkie muttered as she strained her kicked leg against her bound uncomfortably. “Oh, hello!” she said cheerfully as she looked down at Dennis. “What’s your name?”

“Who wants to know?!” Dennis cried.

“Dennis!” Flynn chastised. “Don’t be rude to guests.”

Pinkie gasped a large volume of air. “Wait! You’re the Dennis?! Dan has told me so much about you!” Pinkie paused as she considered Flynn’s word’s “… Wait! Guest?! Does that mean I can leave whenever I want?!”

“NO!” the group replied in unison.

Pinkie sighed. “Well, it was worth a shot…”

“Wait,” Dennis said as a smile crossed his face, “you know Dan?”

Pinkie and nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I most certainly do! In multiple contexts of the phrase as well!”

“Uh… what?” Dennis said in a confused tone.

“Oh! Well you see,” Pinkie began, “in a Biblical context, ‘to know’ means…”

Flynn and Jean quickly pulled concerned, almost panicky faces as Flynn rushed up to Dennis and placed his hands over both of the child’s ears.

“Dennis!” Flynn cried. “Uh… Why don’t you give Pinkie Pie some space—”

“Oh! I don’t mind!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Actually, I much rather talk to Dennis than any of you four to be honest… was that too much honesty?”

Jean shook her head. “We want you to be as open with us as you possible can, Pinkie.”

“Oh! Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said happily. “In that case, I think I kinda, sorta dislike, bordering on hate, all four of you. I mean… you all participated in kidnapping me and knocking me out! Who does that?!”

“Hey!” Dennis cried as he swatted the hands away from his ears and turned towards his adopted parents. He began to address them in an accusatory tone, “When I want to knock out and kidnap someone you tell me it’s wrong, but then you two went ahead and did it! So which is it?!”

Flynn and Jean turned to each other with mildly panicky expressions before turning back to Flynn.

Jean kneeled down and placed a hand on Dennis’s shoulder. “Dennis, sometimes people need to stand up for what they believe is right.”

“But I do think it’s right to knock out and kidnap the kids that make fun of me!” Dennis cried.

“Well I uh…” Jean thought about this slightly before turning to Flynn. “Flynn, help me out here.”

Flynn shrugged. “This whole thing was your idea!” he declared. “If you can’t explain it to him, I don’t know what you expect me to do!”

Jean narrowed her eyes at her significant other. “Flynn, you’re not being a very supportive soulmate at the moment.”

“Okay, that’s another thing,” Pinkie continued. “You’re all kinda whiney! I mean… I know Dan and I probably don’t work out our issues in what other people might call… erm”—Pinkie glanced up at the ceiling briefly—“… a ‘sensible’ way, but at least we work them out! You two just keep griping and sniping at each other! I’ve only know the two of you for like, a day, and already it’s gotten old!”

“Hey!” Jean said in protest as she scowled at Pinkie. “This is my house—”

Flynn cleared his throat.

Pinkie and Jean both synchronized eye roles as Jean corrected herself. “—Our house and weeeee won’t be talked to in this fashion.” Jean stared at her husband as she stressed the word ‘we’, making absolutely sure to the point of being obnoxiously clear that she wasn’t leaving him out.

It was Flynn’s turn to roll his eyes. “You didn’t have to make a big deal out of it.”

“Oh, like you already did!” Jean sniped back.

“SEE!” Pinkie cried. “You’re doing it again! It can’t be nice for your kids to watch, either!”

Dennis shrugged. “Eh, I think Kale’s cried himself to sleep a few nights over it, but I don’t really care.”

“Dennis!” Jean cried. She put an index finger up to her lips. “Shhhhhhhh…”

“I thought you wanted him and Pinkie to express themselves,” Flynn said snidely.

Jean sighed. “Are you going to attack me all evening?!”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” Pinkie cried. “MaAaAaAaAaAake it stop!”

“She’s right, you know,” Jason said. “You guys do get into your fights an awful lot.”

“Hey!” Jean protested. “This isn’t couple’s therapy!”

Jennifer looked at Pinkie briefly then back up at Jean. “Well… it kind of is. I mean… we did sort of force a meeting to go over couples’ issues."

Flynn sighed and looked down at Dennis. “Hey buddy, maybe you should go back and play with Kale some more.”

“Yeah…” Dennis trailed off. “Kale kinda fell over and started foaming at the mouth a few minutes into that brain-piercing screaming.”

Flynn frowned in concerned. “I better get back there,” he announced to the group. “Come on, buddy,” he said to Dennis. “We should probably make sure Kale doesn’t swallow his own tongue.”

“I dunno…” Dennis replied. “Kale’s pretty uninteresting when he’s unconscious. Here seems more exciting now.”

Flynn shook his head. “Sorry Kale, but Pinkie still needs to work on her relationship issues.”

Pinkie stared at Flynn blankly. “Uh… I think you mean the issues you four have with my relationship.”

Flynn just sighed as he ushered Dennis out of the room and down the hall.

Jennifer watched the two leave then turned back to Pinkie. “Maybe we should get back to your problems with Dan.”

“But… I don’t have any problems with Dan!” Pinkie protested. “Why don’t we talk about someone else’s problems?! I mean… you two are pretty whiney, too! Especially Jason!”

Jason looked at Pinkie as his eyes filled with rage. “Oh that is IT! I am sick to death of hearing you talk! It's time someone shut you up!”

“Eep!” Pinkie cried as Jason began to stomp towards her. She pressed off the floor with her feet and began frantically hopping away with her chair away from the irate man.

Jennifer and Jean quickly ran up and restrained Jason as he fumed and reached out for Pinkie. The two women struggled and strained to hold him as Jason attempted to break free and continue his angry march towards his target.

“Jason! No!” Jean cried. “You can’t attack her! She’s tied up for crying out loud!”

“Then untie her!” Jason cried.

“I like this idea!” Pinkie cried.

Jennifer chimed in, “But then she’ll get away!”

“Awww, shucks!” Pinkie said. “How do they keep figuring me out?!” she wondered out loud.

“Just write her name a bunch more times in your notepad!” Jennifer cried.

“I already told you, I FILLED IT UP WITH HER NAME ALREADY!” Jason yelled.

“Use the BACK of the sheets!” Jean suggested.

“I DID!” Jason cried.

“Geezee-peezee!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Maybe you do have a real anger management issue!”

“RAAAAAAAHGGH!” Jason roared out as he continued to struggle in the grasp of the ladies who held him at bay.

“SEE!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Outside the house and across the street, two people and a cat, all dressed in black sat and waited perched up in a tree. Though offering little in the way of cover, the tree sported many thick branches that snaked out in a lazy horizontal direction from the trunk before ending in leafy branches, which made climbing and sitting in the tree rather easy.

Dan looked through a pair of binoculars and chuckled to himself. The balcony doors provided an excellent viewpoint from which Dan could see almost everything going on in the living area.

Amber just sighed and shook her head. “You’d think they would have figured out if they have a girl tied to a chair that it would have been a good idea to at least close the blinds.”

“It’s amateur hour, alright,” Dan said.

“Merrow,” Mr. Mumbles chimed in.

Dan nodded. “That’s right Mr. Mumbles, I am smart enough to make sure people can’t look into the apartment when I’m holding someone against their will!”

“Shouldn’t we, you know, storm the house while they’re all distracted?!” Amber asked. “I mean, that’s sort of the whole reason we’re here!”

“In a minute!” Dan said. “I mean, I would but it’s actually really entertaining watching Pinkie wind them all up!”

Amber looked at Dan then back into the house. “Well… I guess I can’t argue with you there…”

“Meow!”

Author's Notes:

Sooo many people to thank! Fanatic97 over at FanFiction.Net is to thank for the general arc idea here. I adapted something he suggested into the last several chapters and of course the ones to follow.

As mentioned, Wacky is to blame thank for the idea that Pinkie’s scream can cross fan-fics dimensions.

Snowy Flanks, Wacky, Evowizard25, and Tired Old Man all gave suggestions that helped me fill in Pinkie’s screaming.

And thanks again to Tired Old Man as well as ILurvTrixie for continually going over my chapters and pointing out what I need to fix.