The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions
Chapter 94 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couple’s Therapy

Amber walked into the classroom with Elise close behind, the blonde haired woman holding an ice-pack over her left eye. She had just intervened in a situation where Elise seemed just about ready to get in her own fight with Pinkie Pie. Luckily, between her, Dave, and Becky, the three managed to keep Elise from physically assaulting Pinkie.

I can’t believe Pinkie was actually trying to help there! Amber thought to herself. I mean, alright, at first I thought it was a well-meaning, but misguided attempt to help Elise… but then she just wouldn’t stop! Good thing Elise brought a couple of friends for support, and also explain that it was Pinkie trying to help. Though, I didn’t think they’d need to actually have to physically restrain her at any point…

Amber and Elise had stood back to chat a little more. If Amber was going to be able to help anyone here, she needed two things; information, and order. Elise was actually pretty reluctant to provide the former, and the latter seemed like it would be trouble for her as well.

Amber sighed quietly to herself as she approached her desk and noticed a plain, black eyepatch sat in the center of the wooden piece of furniture complete with a pink bow wrapped around it. This session is already out of control. Way more out of control than many of my anger management classes! I’ve even been in a fight! And this was just so I could get to know everyone and start them off on some advice! Who knows what will happen if I get them into group sessions…?

Elise walked over to the front row of desks, almost avoiding eye contact with everyone, including her husband, until she noticed the eyepatch over her husband’s left eye.

“Hey, Elise! We’re pirate buddies!” Chris exclaimed. “Arrrrr!”

Elise and Amber took a quick glance at the front row of the classroom. Dan and Pinkie had, likewise, donned eyepatches and were grinning back at them. Pinkie happily, Dan wickedly.

Elise sighed and raised her palm to her face, “Don’t tell me you let Dan punch you in the eye.”

“I assumed it was part of initiation!” Chris stated.

“Yeah, Elise!” Dan said. “I mean, everyone else who gots an eyepatch has been punched in the eye! Even Amber is putting hers on!”

Elise looked over towards Amber with a surprised look on her face. “What?! Not you, too!”

Amber grinned sheepishly. “Uh, sorry. It looked… fun?”

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed as she happily clapped her hands together. “More pirate buddies.”

“Uh, yeah…” Amber replied. “Let’s uh… cast off… and… erm… shiver these timbers!” She glanced from side to side nervously. Alright, Elise is upset, but she’ll probably still listen to me with an eyepatch on. Hopefully this will get Pinkie and Dan to work with me a bit. I really need to put the whole extortion thing behind me.

From a few rows behind the couples, Ninja Dave and Becky sat. The pair shared and munched on a bag of microwave popcorn.

Amber squinted her one visible eye at the bag. “Where’d you get that?”

Dave swallowed the popcorn currently in his mouth. “Teacher’s lounge,” he said casually.

Amber furrowed her brow, or at least half of it. “But I was just there talking to Elise. How is it that I didn’t even see you?!”

Dave smiled, popped a kernel of popcorn into the air, and easily caught it with his open mouth. “Ninja,” he said simply as if the single word explained everything.

“Riiight…” Amber said as she eyed Dave skeptically. “Uh, OH!” Amber exclaimed as she just realized something. Amber walked towards the center of the classroom. “I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced. I’m Amber,” she said as she held out her hand.

Dave stood up and shook Amber’s hand. “I’m Ninja Dave, owner of ‘Ninja Dave’s Cookies’.”

“Ahhh,” Amber said, “the cookie shop Dan took me to after our… uh… anger management outing.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “We went out and dumped garbage in a litter-bug’s convertible,” he informed.

Amber grimaced. “They don’t need to know that!”

Dan shrugged. “Pretty much everyone already did.”

Pinkie giggled. “I know I did!” Pinkie frowned at Amber. “I can’t believe you turned Dan down. What the heck is wrong with you?!”

Amber cocked her exposed eyebrow at Pinkie. “Uh well… I guess I never thought about seeking revenge being a romantic activity.”

Pinkie gasped. “Really?! A guy takes you out on an activity just for you, you two wear matching clothing, he participates in everything you do, and takes you out for cookies afterwards?! And you don’t consider that romantic?!” Pinkie give Amber a blank stare with her one exposed eye. “Why are you a couple’s counselor, again?”

Amber scowled at Pinkie. “I guess I just have a different idea of romance than you two.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, a lousy one.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… My thoughts exactly!” She held up her hand as she and Dan exchanged a quick high-five. “Oh well,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “Your loss is my gain!”

“Nose snuggle!” Dan announced happily.

Pinkie giggled as the pair leaned over their desks and rubbed noses. “I love you.”

Dan grinned mischievously. “I love you more.”

Pinkie’s smile widened. “No, I love you more!”

Dan continued to smile, but narrowed his eyes. “No, I love you more!”

Pinkie’s grin began to turn slightly crazed. “No! I love you more!”

“Alright!” Amber cried. “Why don’t you two just settle on a roughly equal amount of loving feelings for the time being?” Amber forced her smile back on her face. “Hmmm?”

“FINE!” Pinkie and Dan said in a huff as they crossed their arms and turned away from each other.

Amber grumbled a few unpleasant things under her breath and glanced at Chris and Elise. “You two knew about the uh… garbage thing, as well?”

Elise and Chris shrugged as Dan and Pinkie grinned at each other and scootched their desks closer.

“I knew Dan was going on a vengeance run with you,” Chris said. “I assumed something illegal transpired.”

Amber glanced at Elise. “Wait, and you still wanted my help?”

“Well, almost none of us are in a position to judge,” Elise exclaimed.

“See!” Dan said motioning out with his free hand, the other firmly in Pinkie’s grasp. “We’re just one big group of people who understand that laws are really more like… guidelines…”

“Uh… Let’s just move on.” Amber turned towards Becky and extended her hand. “Sorry, I never caught your name.”

Becky stood up and shook Amber’s hand. “Becky. I’m here for morale support.” Becky grinned. “Not that there seems to be a lot of morals to support, here.”

There was a brief pause before most the group started laughing; even Elise chuckled slightly. Amber just rolled her eye. Amber made her way back to the front of the classroom, went behind her desk, and grabbed the plain, wooden chair behind it. She pulled it towards the front of the classroom and set down. “Well, now that we’ve all been introduced, I think we should start discussing why we’re here.” Amber put on a happy smile and turned to Dan. “Dan, why do you think you’re here?”

Dan raised his visible eyebrow at Amber. “I’m here because my stupid friends tricked me into coming about helping one of them with their stupid problem that I don’t actually care about.”

“Well, let’s start with why your friends think you should be here,” Amber said.

“My friends think I should be here because of a reason I ALREADY TOOK CARE OF WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!” Dan roared out angrily.

Amber frowned slightly. “Is it really taken care of, Dan?”

“YES! WE TALKED IT OUT! I AGREED, FOR HER HAPPINESS, THAT I WOULD ALTER MY BEHAVIOR! WHAT MORE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!” Dan said in frustration.

“Well, sometimes when couple’s talk about a problematic behavior, it doesn’t just stop because of a single, short conversation…”

Dan sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “How is this a hard concept to get?! WE – TALKED – ABOUT IT! I don’t know why other couples suck while we’re awesome! And I don’t get why we need to be punished for it!”

“Well, what about the other thing, you know… the violence,” Amber said.

Dan shrugged. “Pinkie threw the first punch. I was just defending myself… you know… not that I actually mind or anything.”

Amber turned to Pinkie. “Is that true?”

Pinkie nodded. “Dan’s a pretty good sport about me getting into a fight with him.”

Amber narrowed her eye slightly. “No, I meant throwing the first punch.”

“Oh!” Pinkie replied as she glanced off to the side with her one, visible eye and rubbed her chin. “Yeeeeaaaah, guess I got a little carried away, there…”

Amber nodded. “So what have you learned from this experience?”

“Hitting Dan is wrong?” Pinkie suggested.

“Hey, now!” Elise interrupted. “Let’s not get carried away here!”

Amber shot Elise a quick scowl.

“Oh…” Pinkie uttered. “Uh… I guess Dan and I are just here still because Elise is micromanaging our relationship?” she said in an uncertain tone of voice.

Dan chuckled.

“I’M NOT MICROMANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP!” Elise yelled at Pinkie.

“Ow… my ear…” Chris said as scowled at his wife and placed a hand over the ear Elise had just started shouting next to.

“Well… you kinda are,” Pinkie replied. “I mean, you brought Dan and I here ‘cause you had problems with how we express ourselves…”

“She’s kicking your butt, Elise,” Dan said with a grin.

“It’s not a competition Dan…” Chris replied. “But if it was, yeah, Pinkie would definitely be winning.”

Elise glowered down at her husband briefly then looked back to Pinkie. “There is a problem with how you two express yourselves!” Elise insisted.

“But you said it was okay to hit Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Amber held her palms up towards the group. “Look, I’m sure we all can agree that hitting Dan is wrong.”

The group mumbled out a number of halfhearted agreements.

“Thanks guys,” Dan said as he rolled his eyes. “Don’t hurt yourselves with your enthusiastic agreeing or anything.”

“Awww…” Pinkie uttered as she wrapped her arms around Dan. “I can agree that hitting you is wrong.”

Dan smiled contently as he returned the affection. “Thanks, Goofball. You’re the best.”

“Hehe… I know…”

Dan glanced up at Amber. “There! We worked out all our problems! Can we go now?” Dan asked in a mildly irritated tone.

Amber shook her head. “Not yet, I think there’s still some particularities about your relationship that bears exploring.”

Dan rolled his visible eye. “Whaw gwave wouu thwat iwea?” he asked as he attempted to talk while Pinkie pressed her lips against his.

“Uh… Call it a strong hunch,” Amber replied. She smiled and turned to Chris. “Chris why are you here?”

“Uh… Well… I have a problem,” Chris said.

Amber nodded. “And that is?”

“Well… I sometimes eat things that aren’t strictly food… often things that look like food,” Chris explained.

“I see…” Amber said. “What compels you to eat like this?”

“Uhh… I’m hungry?”

“Are you hungry now?” Amber asked.

“I have literally not stopped thinking about eating since we got here,” Chris admitted.

“Do you find you eat more during stressful situations?”

“Well, that depends on how much food is available,” Chris replied. “Uhh… you wouldn’t happen to have any on you now would you? No? Oh… alright then…”

Dave got up out of his desk and handed Chris what was left of the bag of popcorn.

"Thanks, Ninja Dave!" Chris said as he quickly began devouring the contents of the bag.

Dave simply nodded and returned to his seat next to Becky.

“Alright, so you eat uh… whenever you see food. Why would you eat things that just look like food?” Amber asked.

Chris swallowed a handful of popcorn. “Uh… Because I’m hungry?” Chris said with a nervous smile.

Amber sighed, “Does eating help fill any voids you feel in your life?”

“Yeah,” Dan chimed in with a smile, “his stomach.”

A small wave of giggles made its way through the group. Even Chris chuckled while Elise and Amber continued to look unamused.

Amber continued to look at Chris. “Are you still repressing your anger, Chris?”

“Well…”

“I like to think I’m angry enough for the both of us,” Dan stated. “Pinkie, too.”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Dan gets angry at things I wouldn’t even think to be upset about!” she said cheerfully. “He’s like… like an anger sponge that soaks up everyone’s rage and then redistributes it in the form of fiery property damage!”

“Uh… thanks for that analogy, Pinkie,” Amber said. She turned back to Chris. “Now, about your… are you trying to eat Pinkie’s hair?!”

Chris quickly spat out the lock of hair in his mouth. “MWhnooo…” Chris said as he avoided Amber’s gaze and twiddled his thumbs.

“Ew!” Dan exclaimed. “Chris! I stroke and brush that! It’s bad enough I keep finding bits of candy in there! I don’t need to run my hands over your slobber, too!”

Amber’s eye widened slightly as she stared at Chris. “Why would… why would you even do that?”

Chris’s lower lip quibbled slightly. “What? It looked like cotton candy!”

“In Chris’s defense,” Pinkie chimed in, “my hair does look like cotton candy.” Pinkie snatched some of her curls and placed them in her mouth. “Aand iwt twasts lwike iwt, twoo!”

“Uhhh…” Amber uttered. She shook her head, clearing it slightly as she turned to Elise. “Elise, why do you think you’re here?”

Elise frowned and motioned to herself. “Me?! We haven’t even figured out Chris’s issue yet!”

Amber nodded. “Well, there will be plenty of time for that. However, I think you have some issues you need to work out, too; for the benefit of your relationship.”

Elise sighed heavily. “Okay, well… I guess I maybe… sorta… don’t always treat Chris with the respect he deserves as my husband.”

Amber nodded and smiled. “Good! Now let’s have some examples…”

Elise’s face began to redden as she grinned pensively. “Uuuh…”

“Oh!” Pinkie spoke up. “Elise sometimes stores weaponized chemicals right in the house!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Weaponized?!” Amber cried out an alarm. “Wha--”

“I already said I stopped doing that!” Elise insisted.

“Don’t forget the fracture you caused then made Chris dance on for several hours!” Dan chimed in with a smile.

“Or the taser!” Chris said with a frown.

“Or the chloroform!” Becky said.

“Or the time you used Chris as bait so I’d assassinate him instead of Dan!”

“Hey!” Elise protested as she leveled an index finger at Dave. “I figured you’d probably not kill Chris in that situation!”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried as she raised her hand. “Also all the dangerous explodey stuff you’ve brought into the house!”

“Alright already!” Elise cried. “I get it! There are lots and lots of examples of me mistreating Chris.”

“Uh… fracture…? Taser…? Ca… chloroform…?” Amber looked at Ninja Dave. “Assassinate?”

“Uh, long story,” Dave said. “Back when I was still doing ninja stuff I stole some of Dan’s lactose-free cookies… this sort of led to me having to kill him…”

“Wait… you mean you’re an actual ninja?!” Amber exclaimed in disbelief.

“Well, former ninja… But… I mean… it’s in my name… and ‘Ex-ninja Dave’ totally didn’t have a very good ring to it.”

“I just thought that was a name you made up because of the shop!” Amber exclaimed.

Dan raised an eyebrow at Amber. “Why would anyone make a cookie shop called ‘Ninja’ anything if they weren’t actually a ninja?!”

“Well…” Amber replied. “I mean,”—Amber motioned out towards Ninja Dave—“it’s easier to believe than him being an actual Nin-”

‘Thoom.’

Amber paused as she felt a small, sharp pain in her neck.

“Whoops, dart in your neck,” Ninja Dave said as he held a long, bamboo tube.

Amber reached up and pulled out a small dart from her neck, and stared at it with a mixture of shock and horror.

The group turned and stared at Dave.

“Ha! Nice shot!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Wow, you’re still a sure shot with that blowgun,” Dan said.

“Thanks!” Ninja Dave replied as he shoved the hollow tube down his jeans.

“Ninja Dave, did you just dart our couple’s councilor?!” Chris exclaimed.

“What?” Dave protested. “She wanted proof I was a ninja! I gave it to her.”

“You gotta admit,” Pinkie chimed in. “Dave’s method is pretty hard to argue with.”

“Couldn’t you just have broken out a throwing star, or your sword or something?” Chris asked.

Dave said with a sigh, “I’ve tried that, but most people can’t tell the real deal from something someone picked up from the mall.”

“He’s got a point,” Becky said. “I mean. I have friends who have their own Ninjatō and Shuriken. You can pick that sort of stuff up from a flea market…”

“Alright, I believe he’s a Ninja!” Amber exclaimed in a worried tone. “Now why do I feel dizzy?!”

“Dave!” Elise said in a chastising tone. “Did you just poison our couple’s counselor?!”

“Pa… poison?!” Amber stammered out as her face went pale.

“Relax!” Dave said. “It’s not like I put enough toxin on the darts to actually kill anyone. She just might have some minor hallucinations.”

“Ha…hallucinations?” Amber stammered out. Her eyes widened in alarm. “Toxins!?”

“You drugged our couple’s counselor?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Awesome!”

Beads of sweat began to form on Amber’s face as she forced a worried smile. “Uh… Look… I know this is just a brief, introduction session, but I would really appreciate it if”—Amber’s pupils began to dilate as her smile widened—“if my furry, happy tree friends would all sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea with me!”

The group all exchanged confused glances and looked back at Amber.

“Wait!” Chris protested. “How come she gets happy animals in her hallucinations and I got flying monkeys that tormented me?!”

“Uh, I don’t control what everyone sees, dude,” Ninja Dave replied.

Amber’s smile suddenly dropped and she stared out into space with an increasingly worried looking expression. “What?! No! Put down the knife! The war was a long time ago.”

The group collectively got up from their desks and continued to stare at Amber with a mixture of confused looks.

Amber shrieked. “AHHHH! NO! DON’T KILL EVERYONE! STOP! PUT DOWN THE KNIFE!” Amber scrambled behind her desk and ducked under it, curling into a ball as she lowered her face down towards her knees and covered the top of her head with her arms.

“Uhh… call me crazy,” Becky said as she turned to Chris, “but I get the impression you were better off with the flying monkeys.”

“Yeeeaah…” Chris uttered. “I think you’re right.”

“Huh…” Elise said. “We should probably do something."

Dan mischievously. “Like set up tripping hazards around the room and try to get Amber to walk around?”

“Oooo! Like an obstacle course!” Pinkie said enthusiastically as she clapped her hands together.

“I meant something that would help Amber!” Elise said.

“I’ll get some water,” Chris said. “I got like… crazy cotton mouth when I was poisoned.”

“Uh, I meant something a bit more serious than that,” Elise said.

“OH! So now my ideas aren’t serious enough, either?!” Chris snapped.

“Geez, Elise!” Dan said. “Give the poor guy a break, why doncha!?”

“What?!” Elise replied. “No! I just meant this might need more attention than a glass of water! Like, calling an ambulance.”

Dave folded his arms and blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… She’ll be fine!”

“OH GOD! NOT THE GRENADE!” Amber cried.

Elise glanced at Amber then back at Dave with a skeptical look.

“Look, the toxin will work its way through her system in just a bit, and she’ll just have a mild headache! Trust me.”

“I trust him!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

“Me, too,” Becky chimed in.

“I’m indifferent,” Dan said simply.

“I’m hungry!” Chris declared. “How about I get Amber a nice glass of water, and we break for some food?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I second that motion!”

“Normally, I’d find your obsession with food bothersome,” Dan said. “However, I think I could use a bite to eat.”

“Yeah, the popcorn wasn’t nearly enough,” Dave said.

Becky nodded. “Yeah, I could use some lunch.”

“Sweet!” Chris exclaimed. “Now let me get that water…”

Elise paused. “Well… I mean… is it safe to leave Amber here like this? She might hurt herself.”

“I have an idea!” Dan exclaimed.

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan’s ideas are the best!”

“Uh… Well… they’re usually effective,” Chris said. “I’ll give you that.”

Dan walked up to Amber with a wicked grin plastered on his face. “Hey, Amber. The floor is hot lava!”

“Oooo! I LOVE that game!” Pinkie cried.

Amber shrieked and scrambled out from under her desk. She quickly clambered onto the top of her desk and stared at the floor with a panicked expression.

“There!” Dan said as he motioned to Amber. “Now she won’t be going anywhere!”

Chris walked back into the room holding a large glass of water and handed to Amber. “There you go!” He turned back to the group with a smile.

Amber wasted no time in taking the glass of water and dumping it onto the floor, worriedly looking down at the linoleum tiles as she peeked over the edge of her desk.

“Now who's hungry?" Chris said, apparently taking no notice of Amber's behavior. "I’m thinking pizza… hmmmm… pizza…” Chris muttered to himself as his eyes glazed slightly and he smiled.

Elise stared at briefly, then shrugged. “Yeah, I’m good. Let’s grab a quick bite to eat before you all throw me under the bus again.”

Chris snapped out of his trance and looked towards his wife. “Hey! That’s a bit unfair, don’t you think?” he asked as the group made its way out of the classroom.

“Yeah, Elise!” Pinkie said. “We’re inside the school! All the buses are outside!”

Dan said with a quiet sigh to himself, “She means the whole providing lots of examples of how she’s a terrible wife to Chris.”

“HEY!” Elise exclaimed.

“Dan,” Chris exclaimed, “no one said Elise was a terrible wife!”

“I did!” Dan replied. “Just now!”

Chris continued, “I still think Elise is a great wife!”

Elise smiled and wrapped her arms around one of Chris’s. “Thanks, sweetie.”

“I just think there’s room for improvement…” Chris said.

Elise sighed. “Alright, honey, I can’t say I disagree with you there…”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… yeah, lots of improvement!” she exclaimed.

Elise scowled at Pinkie.

Dave and Becky tensed up slightly and began to nervously look back and forth between Pinkie and Elise.

“I mean… I know I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend to Dan, but I’d never force him to dance until he broke a bone…”

“I get it Pinkie!” Elise said.

“Are you sure?” Pinkie said. “Because I mean… there’s lots and lots of examples…”

“Yes, Pinkie!” Elise said in an exasperated tone. “I’m sure!”

“Okay, but… I mean, how often do you chloroform Chris, still?” Pinkie asked.

Chris sighed. “I wish I knew… all I know is I apparently faint a lot…”

Elise shot a red hot, laser beam glare at Pinkie. “Dan, please start making out with Pinkie or SOMETHING so she shuts up!”

Dan glanced at Elise. “Well, that seems pretty counterintuitive to what you’re trying to accomplish here, but I’m not going to say, ‘no’.”

Pinkie began to protest, “But I haven’t even begun to-MMMPHPH! MMmmmm? Hmmmmm…” Pinkie’s surprised expression quickly gave way to a happy, content one as Dan pushed his mouth against hers and kissed her deeply.

Dave and Becky both uttered sighs of relief.

Elise turned and began to silently contemplate the situation. I can’t believe this whole thing turned into being about me… I mean I’m not that bad! I’m mindful of how I treat Chris. Right?! Right?!

“Uh, beautiful?” Chris uttered in a somewhat pained tone. “I can’t feel my arm…”

“Whoops…” Elise loosened her grip. “Sorry, honey…”

“Uh, that’s okay,” Chris replied. “Though, I think you might need to drive while the feeling returns to my arm.”

Elise sighed and shook her head. “Sure honey… of course.”

Author's Notes:

Kodus to ILurvTrixie on the corrections for this one.

Also to Tired Old Man for more corrections and pointing out something that made me add just a little more to this chapter.