The Misadventures of Diamond Dazzle Tiara

by Mattricole

First published 8th of September, 2013

A collection of one-shots of our beloved Princess, Diamond Tiara.

A collection of one-shots, based on the Diamond Cutter prompts.

Chapter 1: Metal Gear Diamond- Diamond Tiara must infiltrate Shadow Moses and stop a Tolerance equipped, bi-pedal tank. Does she have what it takes to save the day? Find out.

Chapter 2: The Babysitter-Filthy Rich has to go away on a business trip, so he leaves his daughter in the capable hands of Twilight Sparkle. But does this babysitter have a secret plot against Diamond Tiara? Why is she so nice? Find out in this epic tale that will shock you to your very bones.

Chapter 3: Challenge Prompt. Diamond Tiara takes off her glasses, picks up something to her right, somepony screams. In this chapter Apple Bloom attempts to convince Diamond Tiara that she is in love with her.

Chapter 4: Diamond Tiara goes on vacation- Diamond Tiara, along with Apple Bloom, decides to go on a vacation. What she didn't plan on was going on vacation to Tartarus.

Chapter 5: Diamond Tiara gets weirded out- Diamond Tiara goes to see her father and gets an unexpected surprise welcome.

Metal Gear Diamond

The only thing that she could feel was the mind numbing cold that was Alaska. More specifically the Fox Archipelago. She had just swam through fifty miles of ice cold salt water and now sat in the middle of the harshest blizzard in the past fifty years. But none of that mattered. She had more important things to do than whine and complain.

She was on a mission. First, she had to infiltrate the nuclear disposal site known as Shadow Moses, rescue the Darpa Chief Sweetie Belle and the ArmsTech President Blue Blood, then determine whether or not the terrorist group known as Fox Hound had the capability to launch a WMT, Weapon of Mass Tolerance.

Under normal circumstances, this was a suicide mission. Any other mare or stallion would have undoubtedly fail. But she was no ordinary mare. She was the best agent Equestria had. She was known as The Legendary Soldier. She was Diamond Snake.

Diamond Snake was currently just outside the base of Shadow Moses, watching the guards carefully. She was examining their patrol routes. Carefully planning her route, she sprang into action. She ran past the guards, careful to avoid the snow as to not leave a visible trail, and quickly made it to the first floor ventilation shaft and crawled through it. The guards didn't see a thing.

She quickly made her way through the vent, following the rats as she did so, in order to find her way out. After only a minute of crawling she had found the exit, and carefully crawled out, being weary of any guards that may have been lurking about.

She quickly looked around. Two guards patrolling the immediate vicinity, two unmanned tanks sitting in the hanger, and an elevator to the north. She then checked her Soliton Radar. Two cameras, though both were on the second floor. She softly chuckled to herself.

This was too easy.

She carefully made her way to the elevator, evading the guards as she did so. In only a few seconds she reached the elevator and set her destination to the basement floor one area.

The elevator slowly descended, too slowly for Snake's liking. The only thing that prevented Diamond Snake from going mad was the lack of terrible elevator music.

After what felt like hours the elevator finally stopped, its doors opening with a jolt. She quickly hid behind the left corner of the elevator, avoiding detection from any possible nearby hostiles. She quickly surveyed the hallway in front of her...nothing. Satisfied that the hallway was clear of hostiles, she quickly checked her Soliton Radar. She gasped softly as she saw a little blue dot.

"That must be the Darpa Chief," she said to herself as she left the elevator and slowly walked through the empty hallway. She soon came upon a door that had the inscription "Level 1 Security", which she attempted to open. She growled to herself, unable to open it with her bare hoofs. She would need a security card.

She quickly checked her Soliton Radar once again, and found that there was a nearby vent that led directly into the room the Darpa Chief was currently residing in. Following the linear path of the hallway, she quickly climbed the ladder that led to said vent. She then silently crawled through the vent, eventually coming across two different paths.

Once again checking her Soliton Radar, she then proceeded to the right. She eventually came across an opening and peaked through it, gasping at the sight.

Below her was the most beautiful mare she had ever come across. Her coat was a pretty yellowish color, and her mane was a dazzling red color, with a pretty pink bow. She watched as the sexy mare continuously exercised, push ups, sit ups, stretches. Diamond Snake couldn't help but drool a bit at the sight.

"But she is not the Darpa Chief," she thought bitterly to herself as she tore her sight away from the sexy vixen and continued on her way. Only seconds later she came across another opening, this time with a cute little white unicorn. Nodding to herself, she slowly and carefully dropped inside the small cell, shocking the inmate.

"Wh-who are you!?" Sweetie Belle, aka the Darpa Chief, asked as she quickly backed away in fear.

"I'm the pawn they sent to save your worthless butt," Diamond Snake stated coolly as she raised both hooves into the air, showing Sweetie Belle she was unarmed. But Sweetie Belle only glared at the invader.

"You lie!" she shouted out in anger, slightly surprising Snake, "you're here for my does anypony know the answer to number two?" Sweetie Belle asked in a teacherly fashion, causing Diamond Snake to back away slightly from the deranged mare.

"W-what?" To say she was confused would have been an understatement.

"That's right, it's a tolerance equipped, bi-pedal tank," Sweetie Belle nodded as she paced around her small cell.

"A tolerance equipped bi-pedal tank!? It can't be," Diamond Snake couldn't hold back the nightmares of the weapon of hell.

Fighting the memories, she lifted her head from her desk, wiping the drool from her mouth.

"Does anypony know what these round, metal circle shaped objects in this clock is called?" Miss Cheerilee asked as she held up said item, "how about you, Diamond Tiara," she questioned, knowing the young child hadn't been paying attention in class.

"Metal Gear!" Diamond Tiara grumbled with a grunt, loud enough for everypony to hear. Cheerilee did a double take, she hadn't expected Diamond Tiara to be right.

"Y-yes, that's right," she replied with a forced smile, "good to see you're paying attention," she finished, earning a glare from Diamond Tiara.

"Of course I am! This is serious!" she shouted out with a glare, startling Miss Cheerilee so much she actually backed away from the young filly.

"Yes, yes it is," she replied as she slowly backed away, "good to see you're so...enthusiastic about my class," she smiled nervously as she quickly went back to the blackboard, and resumed teaching the class.

...Wait...class?

Feeling her cheeks heating up, Diamond Tiara looked around to find she was indeed in the middle of class, sitting comfortably at her desk while receiving odd glances from her classmates.

She had fallen asleep in class...again.

Author's Notes:
Prompt #3, Diamond Tiara is a spy.

The Babysitter

"But Dad, I'm too old for a babysitter!" Diamond Tiara whined as she followed her father, Filthy Rich, to the library one fateful afternoon.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but I just don't feel comfortable with you staying at home by yourself for a whole weekend," her father replied, not even bothering to look her in the eye as he said that, "the last time I did you nearly burned down the entire house."

"It's not my fault our house is made of wood!" she yelled out, causing Filthy to groan. He could already feel a headache coming on. "And if I have to have a babysitter why can't it be Miss Fluttershy? She always let's me do whatever I want!"

And that's why I don't want her babysitting you, he thought angrily. Unfortunately Fluttershy is much too timid to properly babysit his little princess. "Now Diamond, you know Miss Fluttershy is much too busy to watch you right now."

"So what?! She should be honored to get the chance to take care of me," Diamond Tiara growled, and kicked a nearby rock.

Where did I go wrong? Filthy thought to himself as they finally made it to their destination, the Golden Oak Library, home to Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"Ugh, this is going to totally suck," Diamond Tiara said to herself as she watched her dad knock on the door.

"Welcome!" the door instantly opened, an excited Twilight greeting them with a rather large, and in Diamond's opinion creepy, smile adorning her face.

"H- hello Miss Twilight," Filthy replied, a bit shocked at how quickly the door opened, "I trust you are doing well this fine evening?" he said with a bow of his head.

"Oh, yes, everything is fine!" she quickly turned to Diamond Tiara, "and this must be your daughter, Diamond Tiara was it?"

"Yeah, it is, can I come in now?" Diamond Tiara growled impatiently.

"Oh, right, where are my manners," Twilight said as she moved to the side, allowing Diamond Tiara entrance, "would you like anything to drink Mr. Filthy?"

"Oh, no thank you Miss Twilight, I really must be going," he said as he turned around, "I'll pick up my daughter in about two days, and please, call me Rich," he then turned around and walked away, "oh, that's right!" he said as he turned around, "and thank you for agreeing to watch my little Diamond!"

"Oh, there's no need to thank me!" she said as she turned towards Diamond Tiara, "the pleasure is going to be all mine."

"So, Diamond Tiara, how do you like your dinner?" Twilight said as she took Diamond Tiara's empty plate away.

"It was alright," Diamond Tiara replied as she got up from her chair, "hey, whatever happened to your dragon pet, Duke was it?" Diamond Tiara asked as she rummaged through the fridge, looking for any chocolate milk that may be hidden in it's depths.

"You mean Spike, my assistant right?" Twilight looked back as she put the dishes in the sink, and turned the faucet on, "he's at Rarity's, I figured you two wouldn't get along since you... don't get along with Apple Bloom," she explained as she washed the plates.

"Do you have any chocolate milk? I'm thirsty," Diamond Tiara asked as she rummaged through the fridge, throwing away anything that looked nasty.

"Sorry, I don't have any," Twilight replied as she picked up after Diamond Tiara's rampage.

"Oh come on!" Diamond Tiara yelled as she slammed the door shut, "don't you have anything good in this stupid library?!"

"Sorry Diamond, but no, I don't," Twilight said as she reopened the fridge and put everything back, "now, it's time for your bath, go up the stairs and it should be the first door you see," Twilight said as she nudged Diamond Tiara towards the stairs.

"Okay, fine!" Diamond Tiara growled as she went up the stairs. That's weird, usually my babysitters would get mad and start yelling at me, or start crying, or do something! It's like she hasn't even noticed I've done anything! she thought bitterly to herself as she finally climbed all the stairs, and entered the bathroom. I knew librarians are supposed to be boring but COME ON!!! This is just ridiculous!

After locating the bathtub, Diamond Tiara found that the bath was already full, with all of her favorite shampoos and conditioners ripe for the picking. Not only that, but there was an assortment of rubber duckies, of various size and colors in the bathtub, waiting for her, as if tempting her to jump right in.

"W-what's going on?" she asked herself as she placed her left forehoof into the water, pleasantly surprised at how it was the perfect temperature of 96 degrees. "But... how did she-"

"Know?"

"Gah!" Diamond Tiara jumped back as Twilight entered the bathroom with a hot towel in her magical grip, "your father told me how you like your baths, so I made sure it was perfect for his little princess," she said as she set the towel on it's rack.

"But... when did you?"

"Oh, that!" Twilight pointed at the bathtub, "well, you see, using several variables such as the amount of water, how hot said water is, the temperature of the air surrounding the water-"

"Okay okay I get it!" Diamond Tiara interrupted, "I'm here to bathe, not learn!"

"But it's really interesting! You'll love it!" Twilight insisted as she watched the young filly slide into the bathtub, "oh well, I'll tell you later I guess," she sighed sadly as she picked up a sponge with her hoof.

"Wait, what are you doing?!" Diamond Tiara yelled as she tried to swat away Twilight's hoof.

"I"m bathing you, silly," Twilight responded as lathered the sponge in soap.

"I can bathe myself you know!" Diamond Tiara growled as her body froze up. Stupid unicorn magic she thought to herself as she felt Twilight's gentle hooves massaging her back.

"Now now, just think of it as a spa treatment," Twilight said as she continued to gently lathered Diamond's back, "I'll even throw in a free massage!"

"I DON'T WANT A-a.... massage," Diamond Tiara groaned as a smile crept up her face, "Th- that feels good," she moaned as she relaxed in Twilight's grip, allowing the unicorn to do as she pleased.

"That's a good girl, just let me take care of everything," Twilight whispered as she continued bathing the young filly.

"Y- you're pretty good MIss Twilight," Diamond Tiara managed to moan out, causing Twilight to giggle.

"Oh, thank you! I have been practicing after all," Twilight replied as she gently washed away the soap, and poured shampoo over Diamond Tiara's now wet mane, "what a beautiful body you have, like a newborn filly," Twilight admired as she gently massaged Diamond Tiara's scalp, making sure Diamond Tiara's mane was perfect.

"W- what do you mean... by that?" Diamond Tiara asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she tried to keep her eyes open.

"Oh nothing, absolutely nothing," Twilight replied, her breathing slowly speading up. It was such a beautiful body, much prettier than Apple Bloom's or Scootaloo's. She hadn't seen a coat this beautiful since Sweetie Belle's, and even then she wasn't sure if that was true.

If I'm not careful, I might not be able to resist you Diamond Tiara, Twilight thought to herself as she continued to admire Diamond Tiara's soft body beneath her hooves.

"so, how are you enjoying your bath Diamond Tiara?" Twilight asked, but found her only answer was the gentle snores of a tired filly. "I'll assume that means you loved it," Twilight answered with a laugh.

"Good night Diamond Tiara," Twilight whispered to the sleeping filly, as she gently tucked her into the guest bed, across from her own, "sweet dream Diamond Tiara," she whispered as her horn glowed faintly, and zapped the unsuspecting Diamond Tiara, "sweet dreams," and with that, Twilight crawled into her own bed, watching Diamond Tiara, and waiting.

"Mmm, no... get... away," Diamond Tiara mumbled in her sleep, twitching every now and again. As Diamond Tiara's whimpers grew louder, the smile on Twilight's face grew larger. Everything was going according to plan.

"No, get away from me!" Diamond Tiara shouted as she continued to run for her life.

"DIAMOND TIARA!!!!" a shrill voice screeched, chasing her down a long, dark hallway, clawing at her, with a viscous grin adorning it's face.

"Somepony, anypony, help me!" she begged as she continued to run, but it was useless. Every second the monster came closer, and closer. There was no way she could outrun it.

"I have you Diamond Tiara!" the formless monster screeched as it jumped at her, laughing as it grabbed her hooves.

"Please stop!" Diamond Tiara pleaded as she tried to crawl away, tears streaming down her face. She was done for.

"Oh DT, it's time," the monster said as it lifted it's hideous arm, "IT'S TIME TO EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Diamond Tiara screamed as she sat up in her bed, covered in sweat.

"Diamond Tiara, are you alright?!" Twilight asked, rushing to her side, "it's alright, it was just a nightmare!" she hugged the crying filly in her hooves, rubbing her back comfortably.

"It was horrible Twilight!" Diamond Tiara sobbed, hugging the adult tightly, "it tried to make me eat vegetables!"

"Shh, shh, it- Vegetables?" Twilight asked as she pulled away from Diamond Tiara.

"It was horrible," Diamond Tiara sniffed as she tried to dry her tears, "if felt so real, as if I could actually taste the broccoli." It took all of Twilight's willpower not to laugh at her.

Who would have heard of a little filly being afraid of vegatables? Twilight asked herself before shaking away the thought. The spell worked, and that's all that mattered.

"Hey, Diamond Tiara?" Twilight nudged her with a smile, "do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?" she asked sweetly, wiping away Diamond's tears with her hoof.

"I- is it okay with you?" Diamond Tiara asked as she twiddled with her hooves, unable to look Twilight in the eye. It was a little embarrassing for a filly her age to sleep with a grown up.

"As long as it's fine with you," Twilight replied as she led Diamond Tiara into her bed, and held her tight, "I'll make sure you don't have to eat any nasty old vegetables," she promised, causing Diamond Tiara to smile.

"Thanks Miss Twilight, you're the best!" she said as she snuggled into Twilight's chest, a content smile adorning her face.

Oh no, Diamond Tiara, thank you, Twilight thought to herself as she snuggled into Diamond Tiara's hair, taking a whiff of the sweat covered filly, shuddering as Diamond's natural scent engulfed her senses. She hugged Diamond Tiara tightly, feeling her warm, young body rubbing against her own. Twilight had to bite her lip down in order to not squeal. Little fillies really were the best.

Love in the Attic

“I don’t get it,” Diamond Tiara said as she looked at herself in the mirror.

“Oh come on. They’re cute, Diamond!” Apple Bloom gushed as she continued to stare at Diamond Tiara. “Granny’s old glasses look fantastic on you!”

“They look stupid!” Diamond Tiara growled as she took off the the large framed glasses and threw them behind herself.

“Hey! You gotta be careful with those!”

“Who cares?! It’s not like Granny Smith ever wears them!” Diamond Tiara said as she made her way out of Apple Bloom’s attic. “Why am I even at your stupid place anyways?” Diamond Tiara grumbled to herself, briefly considering picking up a nearby roll of toilet paper to hit Apple Bloom with. Why they had toilet paper in the attic was beyond her, but at this point she had given up trying to understand Apple Bloom’s crazy family.

“Oh come on, Diamond!” Apple Bloom begged as she quickly got in Diamond Tiara’s way, blocking the exit. “Don’t you wanna be friends?” Apple Bloom asked with a smile.

“Ha! Maybe if you weren’t a no talent loser, I’d consider making you my friend. But as things stand, I’d rather-”

“Of course you don’t wanna be mah friend!” Apple Bloom laughed as she threw her hoof over Diamond Tiara’s shoulder. “Ah know how you look at me, you wanna be more,” Apple Bloom whispered in Diamond Tiara’s ear, tightening her hold on her.

“...I...I don’t even know how to respond to that,” Diamond Tiara grumbled as she removed Apple Bloom’s hoof from her shoulders.

“Oh come on, Diamond Tiara. Why else do you always pick on me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with you demolishing the town every week or so? Maybe it’s because you broke my favorite tiara?” Diamond Tiara replied, looking around the attic for anything that looked like it would hurt. “Or it could be I just don’t like you?” Looking to her right, she found a nice, sturdy looking cane. Hmm, that should work nicely, she thought to herself as she picked it up and examined it.

“Oh, Diamond Tiara, you silly filly!” Apple Bloom said, playfully booping Diamond Tiara’s nose. “The reason you constantly pick on me isn’t out of hate! Even Sweetie Belle sees it! Clearly you’re in love with me, and you’re just having trouble coming to terms with it!”

“I hope you know, I’m going to enjoy hitting you with this cane now.” With that, Diamond Tiara swung the cane overhead and hit Apple Bloom on the head.

“Ouch!” Apple Bloom screamed, rubbing her sore head.

“Still think I’m in love with you?” Diamond Tiara asked with a smirk, resisting the urge to laugh as tears formed in Apple Bloom’s eyes.

“Yes, yes ah do,” Apple Bloom said, causing Diamond Tiara to groan.

“I just hit you with a cane!”

“And ah know from experience you hurt the ones you love.” Apple Bloom smiled, and hugged Diamond Tiara gently. “But no matter how many times you hurt me, ah will always love you.” Kissing Diamond Tiara on the cheek, Apple Bloom slowly backed away, smiling at the love of her life.

“Apple Bloom...you disgust me.” And with that, Diamond Tiara once again brought the cane down, smacking Apple Bloom on the head.

“You know, just because ah love you, doesn’t mean ah appreciate you hitting me on the head with that cane,” Apple Bloom complained as she rubbed her sore head.

“And I don’t appreciate you implying I love you!” Diamond Tiara growled as she prepared to once again hit Apple Bloom on the head with said cane.

“Diamond Tiara, wait!” Apple Bloom cried as she held her hooves in front of her face in defense. After a few seconds of not feeling the cane hit her, Apple Bloom lowered her hooves with a smile.

“What? Are you finally done with claiming I’m in love with you?” Diamond Tiara asked. “That’s too bad. I was hoping for another excuse to hit you.” With that, Diamond Tiara dropped the cane and gave Apple Bloom a smirk. She could finally get out of-

“Gotcha!” Apple Bloom yelled as she pinned Diamond Tiara to the ground.

“What are you doing now?!”

“Ah’m gonna prove to you that you love me!” Apple Bloom cried, licking her lips in anticipation.

“You are obsessed, aren’t you?!” Diamond Tiara yelled in disgust.

“Can you blame me for being obsessed with you?” Apple Bloom asked with a smirk, causing Diamond Tiara to growl.

I hate to admit it, but she’s got me there, she thought bitterly to herself. Perfection came with a heavy cost it seemed.

“Ah’m gonna kiss you now, alright?” Apple Bloom asked, breathing heavily into Diamond Tiara’s face.

“So? You already kissed me on the cheek,” Diamond Tiara sighed as she turned her head sideways. She might as well get this over with.

“Ah don’t mean on the cheek,” Apple Bloom replied as she turned Diamond Tiara’s face towards her. “Ah wanna kiss you on your perfect lips.” Blushing madly, Apple Bloom leaned her face towards Diamond Tiara. As their lips brushed ever so slightly, Apple Bloom waited for Diamond Tiara to lean into the kiss.

“...I’m going to have to kiss you, aren’t I?” Diamond Tiara asked. After a few seconds of no reply, Diamond Tiara sighed to herself. “I’ll take that as a yes.” With one last sigh, Diamond Tiara gave Apple Bloom a quick peck on the lips.

“...That’s it?” Apple Bloom grumbled, causing Diamond Tiara to giggle.

“If you want more than that, you’re going to have to take me to dinner,” Diamond Tiara said with a blush. Apple Bloom smiled gently, and bowed before Diamond Tiara.

“Oh, and where does mah lady-”

“And you have to let me hit you with the cane again,” Diamond Tiara declared with a smirk, glancing at the nearby cane.

“...Really?” Apple Bloom asked as she got up from her bow, staring at a smirking Diamond Tiara. Sighing in defeat, Apple Bloom slowly got off of Diamond Tiara. “Alright, fine! If it makes you happy, you can hit me.”

“Maybe later, but first...” With a smirk, Diamond Tiara grabbed Apple Bloom by the shoulders, and gave her another quick peck on the lips. “That’s for the hits I gave you earlier, now take me out to eat before I change my mind!” Diamond Tiara said as she began leaving the attic.

“Diamond Tiara, wait!” Apple Bloom called out.

“What now?” Diamond Tiara grumbled, staring at Apple Bloom’s outstretched hoof. “Oh you have got to be kidding me.”

“What can ah say? You look really cute with glasses on!”

Diamond Tiara Goes to Tartarus

“Well… Can’t say I saw this coming,” Diamond Tiara muttered. She was in the middle of a barren wasteland, set ablaze by raging infernos, gigantic monsters, and dancing penguins.

“It’s… not that bad,” Apple Bloom replied, wiping sweat from her brow. Diamond Tiara turned and glared at Apple Bloom.

“We’re in Tartarus.”

“At least it ain’t Prance,” Apple Bloom muttered. “Imagine how much ya would have hated that!”

“I like Prance! It’s a nice country!” Diamond Tiara yelled, resisting the urge to hit something. “Ugh, I should have known better than to try to rekindle our friendship,” Diamond Tiara muttered.

“Graaaagh!” A loud roar rang throughout the land.

“Shut up!” Diamond Tiara yelled back as she threw a rock, causing the beast to cry out in pain.

“...That wasn’t very nice,” Apple Bloom scolded.

“We’re in Tartarus! Do you really think this is the time to be nice?!” Diamond Tiara threw another rock at the whimpering beast. “Hey, this is kinda fun!” she giggled.

“Will ya stop throwing rocks and help me figure a way out of this?” Apple Bloom asked, earning a groan from Diamond Tiara.

“Ugh, fine!” Diamond Tiara yelled.

“Good. Now, let’s explore a bit. Maybe we’ll find a portal or somethin’,” Apple Bloom muttered as she began walking away.

“Here’s hoping,” Diamond Tiara muttered as she looked at the howling beast. After a few seconds of debating with herself, she shrugged her shoulders with a smile. “Eh, what the heck,” she mumbled as she threw another rock at the creature, knocking it down a nearby cliff. “Score!” Diamond Tiara cried with a hoof pump.

After a few minutes of wandering around the waste, not finding anything useful, the two decided to set up camp inside a large skeleton of what appeared to be a dinosaur.

“Ah wonder if it’s one of them stegosauruses Miss Cheerilee taught us about?” Apple Bloom wondered aloud.

“I wonder if you can actually play the xylophone on its ribs!” Diamond Tiara said as she started banging on the ribs, resulting in no music. “Tch, figures,” she grunted in annoyance.

“Ya actually thought it would work?”

“Why not?! It works in cartoons!” Diamond Tiara yelled in annoyance. She picked up a nearby stick and whacked the ribs once more. Sadly, it made the same thunking noise as before. “Grr. Stupid bones!” she yelled as she kicked one of the ribs, causing the skeleton to scream in pain.

“...Ah don’t think that was a good idea,” Apple Bloom muttered as the skeleton raised from the ground and...probably glared at them.

“...Good job, Apple Bloom,” Diamond Tiara reprimanded with a glare. “You just had to annoy a possessed skeleton, didn’t you?!”

“Yer the one who kicked it!”

“And you’re an idiot! Therefore, it’s your fault!”

“Graaaah!” the skeleton roared, gaining the attention of the two fillies.

“...We should really start running right now, right, Diamond Tiara?”

“...”

“...Diamond Tiara?” Apple Bloom called out, finding her companion was no longer there.

“It was nice knowing you!” she faintly heard from behind. Apple Bloom slowly turned and saw Diamond Tiara had run off without her.

“...Ah really don’t like her,” Apple Bloom muttered.

“Rrraaaagh!”

“Aaaah!” Apple Bloom screamed as she quickly ran after Diamond Tiara. “Wait fer me!”

“Apple Bloom, what are you doing?! You’re supposed to be sacrificing yourself for the greater good!”

“No, ah’m not! Yer just trying ta save yer own skin!”

“Exactly! It’s the same thing!” Diamond Tiara yelled back. She quickly turned around, glaring at Apple Bloom as the farm filly and the skeleton quickly made their way towards her. “If you won’t do it willingly, then I’ll make you do it,” Diamond Tiara muttered as she picked up a nearby rock and threw it towards Apple Bloom...and missed.

“Graaagh!” the skeleton screamed as the rock destroyed one of its bony legs, causing it to fall over, its bones breaking apart and scattering all over the place. At the sight of this, Apple Bloom slowed to a trot as she gazed at the destruction and turned towards Diamond Tiara.

“Y-ya saved me,” she muttered.

“...And it was totally on purpose!” Diamond Tiara laughed loudly. Not what I had in mind, but that’ll do! “Well… That was an adventure,” Diamond Tiara muttered as she stared at the destroyed skeleton.

“Yeah. Good thing ya found that rock, right?” Apple Bloom asked with a smile, earning a smirk from Diamond Tiara.

“Heh. Even if I didn’t, that stupid skeleton didn’t stand a chance!”

“Why d’ya say that?” Apple Bloom asked with a hint of annoyance. Ah swear, she can be such an arrogant, pig headed--

“Because I have this!” Diamond Tiara shouted as she raised her hoof, showing off what appeared to be…

“Is that the Alicorn Amulet?!” Apple Bloom screamed in terror. “Why in tarnation do ya have that with ya?! Actually, how did ya even git it?!”

“I bought it from Zecora, duh,” Diamond Tiara said with annoyance. “She’s a zebra. Zebras love gold. Heck, I’m pretty sure I saw her bathing in it a week ago… Kinda creepy,” Diamond Tiara said as she thought back to that fateful day. “Anyways, I digress. We could use this to make a portal back to our world.”

“Yeah! In exchange for one of us becoming evil!” Apple Bloom screamed as she waggled her hooves above her head. “Diamond Tiara, we gotta destroy it!”

“Destroy it?! I spent a week’s allowance on this thing! I’m not gonna destroy it!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she smacked Apple Bloom over the head. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“How about the enslavement of Ponyville?” Apple Bloom asked sarcastically.

“Enslavement of Ponyville?” Diamond Tiara muttered, images of everypony she knew covered in chains doing anything and everything she demanded of them. “...This amulet sounds better and better!” Diamond Tiara squee’d. “Now I’m totally gonna wear this!” Not a second later Diamond Tiara attached the amulet to her neck. A minute of silence hung over the two of them as neither one dared to speak.

“Uh...do ya feel any different?” Apple Bloom asked worriedly. Diamond Tiara slowly turned towards her with a scowl.

“No. No, I do not,” Diamond Tiara muttered as she removed the amulet and threw it on the ground. “Stupid amulet!” she yelled as she stomped on it repeatedly, utterly destroying the object.

“...Ah thought ya weren’t gonna destroy it?”

“Shut up!” Diamond Tiara screamed as she slapped Apple Bloom. “That is the last time I buy something from a zebra!”

“Diamond Tiara, will ya stop hitting me! Yer getting on mah last nerve!” Apple Bloom scolded, causing Diamond Tiara to roll her eyes in annoyance.

“Whatever,” Diamond Tiara muttered uncaring. She turned towards the burning landscape, scowling in annoyance. No matter how hard she looked she could not find a single fashion boutique. “Well, what do we do now? We’re still stuck in Tartarus with no way out.”

“Hmm...ah don’t know,” Apple Bloom said with a shrug. “Hate ta say it, but it looks like our vacation ain’t gonna be a vacation. We’re stuck.”

“Ugh, great!” Diamond Tiara yelled in annoyance. “You know this is your fault, right?!”

“How is this mah fault?” Apple Bloom asked in annoyance.

“How about the fact that you’re the one who suggested using a magic stone to teleport us to a vacation spot?!” Diamond Tiara asked, earning a nervous glance from Apple Bloom.

“W-well, ah-ah-uh…” Apple Bloom trailed off, trying to think of anything to make herself look innocent. Ugh, ah never should have used that magic stone ah ‘borrowed’ from Twi. Gave us nothing but trou… “Wait, that’s it!” Apple Bloom shouted as she withdrew the stone from her mane. “If we use the stone again, we might be able to git back to Equestria!”

“Apple Bloom, that’s brilliant!” Diamond Tiara said excitedly. “It’s a good thing I thought of it!”

“Wait, ah was the one who thou-”

“Hurry up and use it!” Diamond Tiara demanded as she stood next to Apple Bloom.

“Alright, jeez!” Apple Bloom growled as she slowly rubbed the stone, causing it to glow. A few seconds later the two of them were enveloped in a bright light and disappeared into thin air.

“Wow, it’s so huge,” Applejack giggled as she stared lovingly at Big McIntosh. “Guess our parents were right when they named ya ‘Big Mac’, eh?”

“Eeeyup!” Big McIntosh muttered, caressing his sisters cheek as she straddled his hips.

“Now, ah say lets git this show on the ro--” she was interrupted as a bright light lit up the room. “Aargh, what in tarna-”

“Applejack?! Big Mac?! What are ya’ll doing?!”

“Apple Bloom?!” Applejack screamed in shock as she jumped off of her brother. “Th-this isn’t what it looks like!”

“Oh...my...Celestia!” Diamond Tiara laughed as Apple Bloom stared in horror. “Bet you wished you stayed in Tartarus, huh?”

“...Yes. Yes, ah do,” Apple Bloom muttered as she slowly left the room with Diamond Tiara.

“Apple Bloom, wai--”

“No,” Apple Bloom interrupted. “Ah am going to mah room, and we’re gonna pretend this never happened, alright?” Apple Bloom asked, earning a nod from Applejack. “Good,” Apple Bloom muttered as she and Diamond Tiara left the room.

“...You know I’m gonna tell the whole class about this, right?” Diamond Tiara asked with a giggle.

“...Ah hate ya so much,” Apple Bloom said with a glare, earning a hug from Diamond Tiara.

“And I love you, my little blank flank!” Diamond Tiara said with a nuzzle, causing Apple Bloom to blush.

And they lived happily ever after...away from Apple Bloom’s family, who were a bunch of incestuous freaks.

The End.

Diamond Tiara gets weirded out

Filthy Rich, despite being rich, was a stallion of simple taste. He enjoyed drinking every now and then, watching television, and spending time with his adorable daughter, Diamond Tiara. Other than running his business, that’s about all he did with his time.

However, even Filthy Rich had certain...needs. Needs only one pony, other than his deceased wife, could give him.

“Oooooh, yes, Randolph!” Filthy moaned as he felt the lotion clad hooves of his butler rub against his tight flanks. “Squeeze those cheeks together!”

“Of course, sir,” Randolph replied, as if he was doing any other menial task. He continued to rub his master’s flanks, making sure to give them a nice slap every now and then, much to the pleasure of Filthy Rich.

It had started off as a joke. Randolph would often claim to do anything for the Rich family. As far as Filthy could remember, Randolph never denied them anything. He was curious to know if the old stallion would truly never say “no” and had decided to test Randolph’s resolve.

“Randolph! Lick my hooves clean!” he demanded one day, believing Randolph would sooner quit then lick his dirty hooves. Oh how wrong he was.

“Of course, sir,” Randolph said as he kneeled, licking Filthy’s hooves with the diligence of a dog. Shocked at what his butler was doing, Filthy could barely mutter a “good job”.

It was then that Filthy decided to go even further. He would order Randolph to do the most ridiculous tasks, such as feeding Filthy, bathing Filthy, create a statue of Filthy made out of plywood and pegasus feathers, heck, he even ordered Randolph to insult Princess Celestia (who thought that Randolph was simply a crazy old pony, thankfully)!

To all of these ridiculous commands, Randolph followed to the T. Never did Randolph make the slightest complaint. He did what Filthy asked always, with zero emotion.

That was when Filthy knew he had to take drastic measures. He would have to come up with something so revolting that not even Randolph would accept. The only pony that had ever done this with him was his own wife, begrudgingly at that. There was no way Randolph would say yes.

“Randolph! Grab the lotion and massage my flanks!”

“Yes, sir.”

Oh, how wrong Filthy was. How horribly, and yet strangely… arousingly, wrong was he. Once again, with zero emotion, Randolph gave into his master’s order. And Filthy was loving it!

“Oh, Randolph! You certainly know how to please another stallion!” Filthy winnied. Never before had he felt such pleasure at having his flanks lotioned up and rubbed. Not even his deceased wife was this good!

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, sir,” Randolph said as he grabbed the lotion bottle and squeezed some more onto Filthy’s flanks.

“Aaaah, I’m so glad my father hired you, Randolph,” Filthy sighed in content, until he heard hoofsteps stomping towards his room. He sighed in annoyance. “Great! Diamond’s home! I trust you locked the bedroom door, Randolph?”

“Daddy!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she barged into the bedroom.

...That answers that question.

“That stupid Rainbow Dash adopted Scootaloo! I want her unadopted no-” it was at that moment she noticed the state her father was in, causing her words to be trapped inside her mouth as she stared aghast at her father’s lotion covered buttocks.

“D-Diamond Tiara! I-I can explain!” Filthy screamed out and began to sweat. He looked towards Randolph and then back to his daughter. Surely he could think of some explanation?

“...This is exactly what it looks like.” Or not.

“...” Diamond Tiara simply stared on in disgust, before finally she decided to simply back out of the room slowly, silently closing the door.

Filthy Rich had the feeling he should remove himself from the bed and go to his daughter in order to comfort her, after all, if he thought hard enough he could probably convince her Randolph was attacking his butt. Instead, he looked back to his butler with a smile.

“Continue.”

“Of course, sir.”

And that was the day Filthy Rich and Randolph had their first date that eventually ended with Diamond having another daddy.