Five Star Service – The Portal Opens

By Five Stars of Manehattan
Special to the New York Life and Manehattan Post Magazines
October 19 issues

New York Life Chief Editor’s Note:

As all have no doubt heard, there was a coordinated protest/sit-in at the two magazine offices, where our lobbies and press rooms were invaded by several dozen chanting college kids and a few celebrities who played and preened for the cameras, singing and chanting vapid slogans that required little IQ to come up with and even less to think were witty or clever.

Unfortunately, they were savvy in one important sense that they did let the bulk of the media know it was happening, and they descended upon us as well as if we were somehow no longer one of them, just another story to dissect for ratings or worse. They interviewed the protestors but never us, gave them all the publicity these people were hungry for, never once considering our feelings or side of things.

The police removed our trespassers within an hour, but they did succeed in sabotaging our printing presses and trashing several offices, for which they were roundly lauded as ‘heroes’ on some social media sites. As a result, our latest print issue release was delayed by several days, for which we do apologize to our readers and distributors, but thank them again for their support and the immediate counter-protest that materialized in its wake. I’m sorry to say, we have fallen a long way when attempts to silence other voices are now celebrated as a blow for social justice. But then again, understanding that would require a modicum of self-awareness on the part of the protestors and their supporters, which seem to be sadly lacking of late.

So once again, I say, to both social conservative and social justice warrior alike—much as you may hate the comparison, you’re little different in mindset or methods, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re equally evil for it. Regardless, you’re not silencing our presses; you’re not stopping the articles, and you’re not intimidating us by forming online lynch mobs with equally inflexible and feeble-minded people who are incapable of any form of critical thought. Kalido would say to turn the other cheek, but I’m not Kalido and I’m not taking this any more.

Try it again, and you will find us quite ready for you.

—Jamie Kason, acting chief editor, New York Life magazine

Manehattan Post Owner’s Note:

Well said, Jamie.

Those tactics were tried here as well, to far less success. Several dozen protesters crossed the portal under false pretenses and then stormed my office, though they didn’t get very far. Half my staff are unicorns, so they simply picked up the group one by one and deposited them outside, then threw a soundproof bubble around them so they could shout and scream to their heart’s content but nobody could hear them until the constabulary came to cart them off. Proving their utter ignorance of Equestria, they also didn’t seem to understand that their earth-brought electronic equipment wouldn’t work in the presence of heavy magic use, so they got no video of their ‘heroic stand for social justice’.

Needless to say, they’ve been thrown back across the portal now, and blacklisted from returning to Equestria. I speak for my staff and most ponies present when I say there is nothing ‘heroic’ or ‘progressive’ about trying to stifle debate or silence voices for the sole crime of disagreeing with you or threatening your basic worldview.

In other news, for the first time in weeks I have a lead on the location of my Gentleman and am pursuing it. I can’t say any more right now; but by the time this issue is printed, I will have departed again in search for him. By the time the next article is run, it is my great hope that I will have found him and returned him to his friends and loved ones.

—Hot Topic, owner and founder, Manehattan Post magazine

Dear readers—

I’ve heard it said that the road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions. Well, I’m having a hard time ascribing any to our latest opponents. They hit not only the Manehattan Post, but the G4M offices as well, trying to form a ‘human chain’ across our headquarters entrances, binding their arms together and to two lightposts on either end, chanting away with nonsense phrases. Angry words were then traded with our Gentleman, and one got his face spat in by a young woman protester, who followed up by calling him a mare abuser and rapist. That sparked a heated exchange between the group and not only our gentleman but our trainer and handler mares, some of which looked ready to act in decidedly inharmonious ways for the ways their men were being treated.

In the interests of peace, Platinum and I offered to talk privately with the group leaders if they would surrender quietly and not cause any further scene. After some talk, they agreed, realizing that they weren’t getting the publicity they wanted, some complaining that their video phones weren’t working. Well, no, earth electronics don’t generally work in the presence of magic; that’s one of the reasons why they haven’t been sold in Equestria until recently. Newer models now coming out take care of that; my tablet is one of the prototypes.

So I went back with one young lady while Platinum handled a male student in a separate room. I can’t speak for Platinum, but my ‘talk’ was little more than a one sided-lecture. I listened patiently as she told me that by saying women were mistreating men, I was ‘promoting male privilege’. I didn’t interrupt when she explained that by encouraging men to be with mares I was ‘encouraging their objectification’ and ‘inviting the establishment of a patriarchy’ she and her kind were fighting hard to dismantle on Earth. I didn’t say a word when she stated gravely that by putting down women I was ‘undoing a half-century of work’ in obtaining gender equality, and my only reaction to being told that ‘mastering masculinity requires fighting all expressions of manspreading’ wherever they’re found was a raised eye ridge.

At that point, I was more amazed than appalled that anyone could actually believe this. It was the most tortured logic imaginable, this ‘pseudo-intellectual claptrap’ in the words of one Gentleman that any other time I might have found amusing. But then when she told me that she had read my latest article and the fact I’d been drinking and regretted our night together after meant Miral had raped me…

I lost it. I ordered her thrown out of the building, telling my griffon bodyguards to remove her before I did so myself. They obeyed quite gladly, and I spent the next several hours alternately fuming and crying at an old wound ripped open for the second time, even worse than before. Afterwards, I was comforted by Platinum, my bodyguards and several Gentlemen, ending up staying the night with Honeydew, not wanting to be alone.

Since I was too distraught to answer then, I’ll answer now: No, Miral did not rape me. After three or four drinks we were certainly suggestible but not so drunk we didn’t know what we were doing. And besides, we’d both been drinking, so by that logic could it not be said that I raped him? Why does that only apply to the male? Further, I chose to drink, and in hindsight I probably did so with an eye on getting intimate with this exotic male I’d grown rather close to over the many months I’d been in the Kingdom. If I choose to do something, does that not make me responsible for the consequences of that action? Perhaps I didn’t think it through, but that’s on me, not him. And then to accuse that dear, sweet earth griffon of such a hideous thing when I’m freshly mourning him…

Yes, I regretted it the morning after. But regret does not equal rape. And to suggest otherwise… I’m starting to understand fully now why many Gentlemen have nothing but bad things to say about the anti-male environment in their home nations on Earth.

I am truly sorry for what was said, Five Stars. Myself, I had a lively and ultimately fruitful discussion with an eager young man who did fervently believe he was doing right and simply didn’t know differently. I showed him a few things, made some points he hadn’t heard before, and I daresay he left at least little more enlightened. So please don’t think they’re all hopeless. They mean well enough, but they’ve been taught very poorly. As young as they are, I consider that more on their teachers than them.

—Platinum Corona

Well, Platinum, I’m glad to hear you had a better of time of it and perhaps got through to at least one of them. Perhaps you’re right, but all I saw was a bunch of petulant brats utterly incapable of comprehending another point of view. And they call it ‘higher’ education? Just what in the name of Equestria are they learning???

Enough. Onward to happier thoughts.

What is love?

Coming into this, it had been my intention to next go into the details of my fourth herd, spending a full article on it only to realize… I really didn’t want to, and when it came down to it there really was no need to as it taught me nothing new. I’ve had enough unhappy memories of late, it’s time to move on to better ones. So I will touch on my fourth herd, but nothing more, as I realize that many readers are rather eager to hear about the opening of the portal and coming of humanity, which happened just weeks after I returned from the Kingdom.

So on a more upbeat note, I’m going to open up with another letter I received recently, one that has to do with the last Q&A session we ran. You may recall a letter penned by an angry mother where she detailed what had happened when her son had brought home a mare over the human holidays. They reacted very badly and I chewed her out, fearing upon reading it what had become of her son and his chosen mate.

I’m relieved to say I now know. I got a second letter regarding that incident, one that was a far greater pleasure to read. I present it now in its entirety:

Dear Five Stars:

What is love? For me it is the feeling you have when you found the one with you want to share the rest of your life. But some say it has to be limited by gender or race? The human culture may have come to accept same-sex relationships to an extent, but it will be a time before cross-species relationships are.

But for myself, I don’t care. Why, you may ask?

Well, first I’d like to apologize for the letter that accused you of destroying a family. The person who sent it to you was my mother (yes, despite everything, I still call her my mother); when I saw it I knew in an instant it was her. She didn’t have the right to say such hurtful things, and I apologize to you for them.

Also I’d like to thank you for standing up for us, for the words of hope you offered to me and my wife. Yes, you read correctly. I am now married to the wonderful mare that my family hated; not only that but we are the proud parents of an equally wonderful thestral filly we adopted.

I may not know how Gentleman feel but I find myself identifying more with the mares you help. You see, I myself already had problems with my family, mostly for not following their footsteps. I had two troubled relationships before this, one where my first girlfriend dumped me for another girl and the second one where she cheated on me with my now-former best friend.

Like so many other people, I came across the portal for a job opportunity and to clear my mind. When I arrived, I found I was well received and enjoyed my new life here, and well... that’s where I met the beautiful mare who is now my wife. She helped me in so many ways; like your gentleman, she was the shoulder I leaned on and I was hers.

Our relationship was not borne of desire but of friendship and understanding. In fact, when we became a couple it was her who urged me to make amends with my family. Sadly, it didn’t end well as my mother’s letter made clear. My wife suffered as much if not worse than I did at their rejection but that didn’t stop me from loving her. At least the pony friends I made in Equestria and her family accepted our relationship without any problem.

As for our sex life, well, our first time wasn’t until after we were married because we wanted it to be special. And special it was; we eloped in Las Pegasus and had our honeymoon there. Who knows, perhaps it was our marriage you saw last time you went? Regardless, I just wanted to thank you for your work and assure you that we’re happy. Maybe one day my family will accept us, but until then, we’re fine where we are.

With sincere thanks,

“Roameo and Muliet”

The aliases are not mine, folks, but regardless… a star-crossed pair indeed! Just so long as you didn’t end up the same as as those Shakesponian characters did, I’m happy. I have no idea whether it was in fact your wedding I saw, but I’m very glad to know you’ve found happiness with each other, regardless of what your family thinks.

No, there is no reason love has to be limited by gender or species, though to be fair, I’m reminded since telling the story of me and Miral that I too have had some very shaky times with that concept. Sometimes things you’re okay with in principle or at a distance provokes a much stronger visceral reaction when it’s up close and personal. Sometimes it just takes time to come around. So it is my hope that one day you can yet reconcile with your family, and they will yet welcome your wife and daughter into their fold.

Descent

My return trip from the Kingdom wasn’t much better than the one there.

Aside from renewed airsickness, I had endless dreams and nightmares about Miral. In one of the latter, I was turning into an eagless to the point that I was stalking and killing prey; in another I was having a round with a stallion and beating him up so I could obtain sex, leaving me an emotional wreck afterwards.

Then there were the sex dreams themselves, as my subconscious would simply not leave what happened with Miral alone. I dreamt of what we did endlessly, the round and the rutting, and even worse, found myself waking up soaking wet whenever I did. I truly did enjoy our encounter regardless of how torn up it left me; the whole predator/prey thing had really struck a deep chord within me.

Occasionally I broke down and pleasured myself to thoughts of him, fantasizing about him stalking and taking me; more than once I started to write a letter to him only to crumple it up. For the biggest block in my head was… how could I be with him? What would other ponies think? What about other griffons? What if I wanted foals and he couldn’t give me them? How could I ask him to leave the kingdom for me? Or how could I stay in the Kingdom with him?

My mind went in circles as I considered these questions, finding no answers as Delta tried to talk to me a few more times. She told me I wasn’t the first pony, stallion or mare to fall prey to a griffon’s charms, and there wasn’t anything wrong with me for it, saying she understood if I needed some time off now. Reluctantly, I agreed. She suggested counseling, and I promised her I would.

I’m sorry to say that it was a promise I did not keep. Between my growing sleep deprivation and refusal to face my fears and feelings, I ended up in a severe downward spiral. I kept trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t now a gryphophile (one of less offensive terms out there for such ponies), and in my mind… that meant sleeping with every colt I could, seducing guardsponies and random stallions alike. I did that for a few weeks, but, neither enjoying such shallow encounters and increasingly insomniac as I found no relief from my anxieties and dreams, I decided I needed stronger medicine. So I quit my job with Delta and, ignoring her growing alarm over my behavior, I basically weaseled my way into a new herd over the vehement objections of my new stallion’s existing mares by promising to take care of his finances and business dealings.

Delta was only too right when she said I was out of control and needed help. It was a terrible mistake, a chapter in my life best forgotten. It was as if all the lessons I’d ever learned about relationships and being in herds were unremembered or outright ignored, and not just me but the entire herd paid the price for it.

Many times I’ve noted how it only takes one problem herdmate to spoil things for the rest. Well, I’m sorry to say that in this case, that problem herdmate… was me. I was very bossy, possessive, and needy to the point that nopony else wanted to be around me. I became both Harvest and Juniper at their worst, rolled up into one tidy package, and managed to make a mess of my stallion’s herd and business dealings for my lack of sleep and the amount of drinking I was doing. I made everyone around me miserable, he rutted me mostly to shut me up, and it got to the point that even my skill with oral wasn’t enough to make him keep me around.

To make a long story short, it lasted less than six weeks, and ended with me thrown out of house and herd on my ear, quite deservedly. And all I could do after was drag myself to a bar and drown myself in cider yet again.

Rock Bottom

Thankfully, I had friends, even then, most notably my now-former business client. Delta had been keeping tabs on me and found me passed out in an alley the next morning. She took me home and cleaned me up, and didn’t let me leave even after I’d sobered up, at which point she sat me down and told me we were going to have a long talk.

It was not easy to hear some of things she said. This was my intervention, and she was surprisingly good at it. She told me I’d been a foal, that I was in denial, and that I was now hurting other ponies around me with my actions. She said that if I didn’t stop I was going to self-destruct fully, that I had too much potential and too much life ahead of me to just throw it all away. When I apologized for my behavior and told her I’d be leaving the city soon, she shook her head and said very firmly no. She told me that the solution was not, as I had so often done in the past, to flee my problems by starting over in another city; that I’d just be starting the cycle all over again and sooner or later I was going to run out of cities and chances.

Despite my depression, that gave me some pause. Was she right? Was that what I had always done? With a sinking heart, I realized that it was. My usual reaction to a failed herd was to run away, flee the scene instead of fully facing my pain. It was an epiphany, and a painful one at that, so I asked what seemed like my only friend in the world what I should do now, realizing that with my behavior since that night with Miral, I’d destroyed my reputation, my hireability, and even my own self-respect in the process.

In response, Delta laid down the law with me. She told me that I was staying in Canterlot, that I could work for her again but that I was now dry, that I was to clean myself up and stay that way. That I was also to enter counseling with the goal of coming to terms with my feelings for Miral, or it would haunt me for my entire life... which my drinking and destructive behavior had been threatening to cut short anyway.

Realizing I was at rock-bottom and unable to even look at myself in the mirror, I agreed.

Rebound

Four weeks later, I was on a bit of a rebound. Twice-a-week counseling sessions were helping, and surprisingly, so was just being with Delta, who kept me company whenever she could and sang for me frequently. I never fully understood her musical talent, which seemed to go far beyond that of normal harmony-induced singing most ponies possessed, but her songs were always soothing, lyrical tales of growth and redemption finding resonance within me. Later on, she took me on a special tour of the Wonderbolts History Museum near Canterlot Castle, saying there was something very specific she wanted me to see.

The exhibits were interesting to be sure, covering the entire 700-year history of the group, but of greatest note were the ones from the Wonderbolts founding at the time of the Gryphon/Pony war. They were known as the Bolt Knights back then, a rapid-reaction force formed in the early days of the Gryphon invasion to defeat enemy attacks and launch lightning raids of their own. As I looked among the old armor and weaponry—a reminder of Equestria’s own distant but less than harmonious past—we came across a centerpiece exhibit in a courtyard with little else around it.

It was a large sculpture that represented the ending of the war. It depicted Captain Firefly, founder of the Bolt Knights, exchanging scrolls with her gryphon counterpart General Kaval, commander of the elite Red Talons. They wore armor but their helmets were off as they traded the documents.

It was not a surrender, or even the signing of a peace treaty. It was two warriors and leaders meeting each other as equals, showing respect that years of bitter combat between their teams had forged. The sculpture placard said it was a commissioned depiction of a post-armistice meeting between the two rivals, one forged by both pony and griffon artisans, and as a result of this meeting there were two sets of names etched into the stone…

Those of the Bolt Knights and Red Talons that had fallen during the war.

It went on to say that the two Captains insisted that their enemies be remembered along with their friends, that the valor and sacrifice of both sides be recognized, and thus they exchanged lists of their fallen so identical memorials could be built in Arnau and Canterlot... so that “all would know that even the most implacable of enemies did not have to stay that way, that we could ultimately choose friendship over fighting,” it quoted Firefly as saying.

“She was right. We were meant to be friends,” Delta noted as I looked upon it in some wonder. “Friends, allies… and this is where it began. That we are different races, have different faces, different diets… it doesn’t matter. What matters is friendship, like the one you forged with Miral. And the fact that you were different species just makes what you shared all the more special. Friendship recognizes no boundaries, Five Stars… and in the end, neither do the things that may grow from it.”

She said no more. She didn’t have to. I asked for some time to myself, and she took her leave. I stayed there thinking until closing, then took a long walk back home...

Not knowing that not just my life, but all Equestria was about to undergo a massive change.

A Door Opens

The next morning, I woke to a general commotion in the streets.

Delta was gone, leaving a note saying she’d been called on a urgent summons to the castle. I looked outside to see ponies gathered around street corners and newsstands, speaking in alternately fearful and excited tones.

My first thought was that the Changelings were invading again, but it was nothing of the sort… though in many ways, the truth was almost as alarming. “Extra, extra, read all about it! New world discovered!” came the call as a pegasus newspaper colt flew overhead, scattering flyers for the Canterlot Daily about a crowd that was already clamoring for a full copy, which his earth pony compatriot was only too happy to oblige, collecting bits and tossing out thick newspaper scrolls.

I bought one myself, unrolled it and saw… a front-page picture of Princess Twilight beside two creatures I’d never even fathomed existed. They were bipedal like minotaurs, but not as large. They were also furless, wore odd garments, and the picture caption announced their species name was ‘human’.

My first impression? Humans were ugly. Hairless apes with squished facial features, possessing spindly-looking appendages on their hooves somewhat akin to griffon talons but looking far more fragile. In fact, as awkward as they looked to me, I was certain that they’d just topple over if you so much as blew on them.

Blowing them. Now there was a euphemism I was going to learn in due time…

Overcoming my initial revulsion—and judging from the chatter in the crowd, I wasn’t the only one to have it—I read the article. It said that Princess Twilight, while experimenting with a new means of teleportation, had accidentally opened a portal to a new planet, and this was what they had found—a wild world, populated by a race of intelligent bipedal apes called humans. That, somehow, they spoke our language—at least, some of them did—and they had no magic to speak of; incredibly, their sun and moon rose of their own accord and they had no control over their world’s weather.

No magic? How could any race advance without it? And their days and nights just… happened? How was that even possible? I couldn’t even begin to comprehend how such a crazy place could actually exist… or a species could survive within it.

I got a partial answer to the latter question when I turned the page and saw a picture of Princess Sparkle standing before… this insectoid-looking craft called a ‘helicopter’, made of metal in a very intricate design. Instead of magic, they had ‘technology’, which seemed to serve the same purpose in their world. My mind spun as I continued to read—that they possessed craft that could go hundreds, even thousands of miles an hour, that they had been off their planet and walked the surface of their moon, built enormous cities of towering buildings, and… far more ominously, fought wars where the death tolls numbered in the millions.

That was the point I snapped the paper shut, and fervently hoped that we’d do the same to the portal, seal it up to never open it again. I felt very… disoriented and disconcerted, all my travails over Miral suddenly forgotten. I’d been an avid reader of magic and fantasy fiction when I was younger, and those books certainly had their share of alien races. But nothing I’d read even came close to... this!

Heading back home to my apartment, I received a note delivered by courier from Delta saying that she would be gone for the rest of the week. She instructed me to clear her schedule for the next ten days of all performances and meetings, authorizing me to make all business decisions for her in the meantime. A mark of trust, to be sure, and one I wasn’t fully certain I was owed at that point as she followed up with an admonition to keep my counseling appointments and not go to any pubs despite the potentially upsetting news.

I obeyed—even if I were inclined not to, she had an uncanny way of finding things out you didn’t want her to know. Once I’d taken care of her immediate instructions, I headed back out. I didn’t go drinking but, needing distractions I did return to the Wonderbolts museum to see the remaining exhibits and found myself beside the Bolt Knight/Red Talon memorial once more… suddenly thinking less about Miral and the griffons than the possibility that with the discovery of this chaotic and potentially violent new world and species, such warriors and martial skills might yet be needed again.

The initial shock wore off rather quickly, as it turned out. The Princesses issued a proclamation making a formal offer of friendship to our new neighbors, Celestia and Luna even going to see their world for themselves. That did cause some consternation, as there was some thought that they might get trapped or even killed there, but nothing happened. They spoke before an assembly representing the nations of earth, touring many over the next several weeks, and were apparently received quite well. The fact that we controlled the portal also helped calm nerves; if it came down to it we could seal it back up.

Count me as one of the ones who initially believed it should be—an unthinkable thought for me now, but back then, I was still trying to piece myself back together and didn’t need any new fears or worries involving other species impinging on my still-healing psyche. I think Prince Blueblood actually said it best—a race without magic was a race without harmony or redeem on the eyes of many ponies, and I was one of them, finding humanity with little to offer us.

The local newspapers didn’t help. They were always full of lurid tales about human atrocities and weaponry, the pollution and decimation of their world, their propensity for violence and the many wars they’d fought. I remember one picture they smuggled across of an ‘H-bomb’. The image of that fiery, city-destroying cloud gave me nightmares for a week…

You know, given how one-sided their coverage of humanity was, I really should have dropped my subscription to the New Yoke Times long before that. When everyone was numb to war stories, they moved on to examining human culture, dissecting everything from their ‘troublesome technology’ to eating and mating habits—the former with disgust over their meat industry, the latter with particular glee in their mocking of human sexuality and nudity taboos.

Despite all that, some different opinions were slipping through the cracks. Celestia and Luna reported themselves impressed by what they saw on earth, inviting human diplomats back through the portal in return… though it would be a year before they did so. Out of an overabundance of caution, as it turned out; they didn’t know how magic would affect them and were fearful of diseases passing between the worlds, so the portal allowed for only very limited passage from our side at first. Princess Twilight was likewise a very avid human enthusiast, writing her own far more glowing reports in the Canterlot Daily and other periodicals.

During this time, I slowly overcame the post-Miral depression that gripped me, thanks to Delta and my new counselor. After all that had happened, I had pretty much sworn off stallions or any sex for the foreseeable future much as I’d sworn off alcohol, fearful of falling back in the state I’d once been… and truth be told, after Miral, no stallion had satisfied me anyway. Helping was the fact that Delta kept me busy, though she didn’t stray far from Canterlot for a while, giving local performances only.

I came to terms with things gradually. More than once I thought of Miral, more than once I thought of writing him, and more than once I started to pick up a quill to do so… only to decide I still needed more time. Before I knew it, nearly a year had passed and my talents as a business manager and concierge were called upon by Delta…

To help set up a welcoming party in Cantlerlot Castle for our first human guests.

Sorry to end this here, but the story of that night requires a whole issue to tell, and I think it appropriate that it be reserved for my milestone 20th article. Needless to say, my destiny was finally about to come calling, and I can honestly say I never saw it coming when it did. Readers will also be happy to know that, as I’ve gotten quite good at turning these out quickly, new articles will now be released weekly from here on out, with the aim of completing them by year’s end.

But before that… I leave you with another letter, this one penned by my good friend and former client, Bard of the Royal Court and singer that has now entertained millions on both sides of the portal, Lady Delta Requiem:

Dear Five Stars:

It’s been some time since we last spoke face-to-face. With the way your last article ended, I knew you’d probably end up sharing what happened in Canterlot afterward. So, I’m offering you this bit of moral support.

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again here: what happened between you and Miral, while rare, isn’t exactly unheard of and is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. While your actions afterward ARE something to be ashamed of, you’ve more than atoned and that night of passion could have been a lot worse. Take it from me, I know how badly nights like that can end. But from reading these articles, it seems to me you’ve had a gift for selecting good lovers if not good herds, and Miral was certainly one of the former. I am truly sorry for his passing, and mourn for his loss in that brief but terrible war.

This may come as a surprise to you, Five Stars, since I’m sure I gave the impression that I was celibate while you worked with me, but... I was actually fairly promiscuous in my youth. I won’t go into lurid details, but I’ve felt your pain… more than once, actually. And you know what? After one too many regretted affairs, I finally decided I would be a bit more selective but otherwise wouldn’t regret them anymore. A night of passion is a night of passion, no matter who—or what species—you’re with. You shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling what you felt even if it was partially under the influence of alcohol. On the one hoof, I truly do wish—as I’m sure you do—that you had given Miral a chance, and yet on the other… I think you’ll agree you needed that experience before your first encounter with humanity.

Lest any ponies get the wrong idea about me, let me be clear: I was not, as humans say, a ‘town bicycle’ for anypony—or anyONE—to ride. I chose my lovers carefully; even when inebriated, I wouldn’t bed just anypony. And these days, my occupation doesn’t much lend itself to nights of passion; being the Court Bard is a very full-time job. One with great benefits, but free time is a rarity for me. So in many ways, I envy you now. I haven’t been with any humans, but after reading your articles, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought once or twice about hiring a Gentleman myself.

If there’s one thing I do regret, Five Stars… it’s that I lost the best manager I’ve ever had to Gentlemen for Mares. And don’t think I’m joking either; your post-Miral episodes aside, you were very good at your job, and I do miss you. Perhaps I’ll drop by G4M sometime to talk… hopefully when there aren’t protests going on. But if there are… well, I think you know I’m not in the least bit shy about expressing my opinions. And perhaps seeing that same quality in you is what made me hire you in the first place.

To all who read this letter, let me make one thing plain: what Five Stars does—what Gentlemen for Mares itself does, actually—is not something that should be reviled or hated. She’s helping bring happiness to many who might otherwise never know it, and bringing our races closer together in the process. If that disgusts you, or you feel the need to protest against her and the others at G4M… then as far as I’m concerned, you have no place in polite company, whether on Equestria or Earth. She’s not doing anything morally, ethically, or in any other way wrong, and nothing you narrow-minded delinquents say or do will change that or convince me otherwise.

Be glad I wasn’t there… because broken cellphones would have been the least of your troubles.

Your friend,

Delta Requiem
Bard of the Royal Court of Canterlot

Thank you, Delta. Yes, I would love to meet and catch up with you sometime, so please let me know when you’ll be in town. Let me also say once more that I’m very sorry for what I put you through, but I’m also eternally grateful it was you. You picked me up when I was at my lowest point, and I don’t want to think what would have happened if you weren’t there.

And if you ever decide you desire a gentleman… I’d be more than happy to recommend one!

Welcome to the moment you’ve all but waiting for! And sorry for the low point she has to pass through to get there, but as the saying goes, it’s often the darkest just before the dawn. I don’t think I need say what will happen in the 20th article, except it will be suitably epic. Hopefully my writing skill is up to the challenge!

Prereading credits go as always to AJ_Aficionado, SilentWoodFire and Denim_Blue for loading up the parent google doc with feedback—reading the back-and-forth comments between you guys is always a hoot. Special thanks go to Leo Archon for the use of his OC Delta Requiem and writing the closing letter, while Haseo55 wrote the earlier response letter regarding the Q&A question and PM’d it to me. It was a good idea, so I used it.

I’m sure some people are a little tired of the SJW angle in the subplot, but they’re fulfilling the same role that social conservatives did in earlier chapters; that of foil. And it also helps that it allows me the chance to properly mock them. Seriously, it’s rather fun. That angle will be winding down soon, however, as I hope the SJW movement itself will in the years to come.

The big one is next!!!

—Firesight