The Cassandra Chronicles

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

First published 3rd of September, 2013

These are the various-genre adventures of my OC Cassandra, the seventh Element of Harmony

This is Cassandra, my OC don't steal. Her interests include having a dark past, saving Twilight when the elements of harmony fail, and being Celestia's long-lost sister. What follows are the adventures, foibles, and shenanigans that the Mane 7 get into. These stories will touch you, spiritually and emotionally; they will make you laugh, make you cry, and hopefully make you love Cassandra as much as I do. I don't want to be too narrow, so even though I can't tag this as both "Adventure" and "Slice of Life" I'm going to try my hand at both of them.

Praise for The Cassandra Chronicles:
"wonderful. perfect and wonderful." -RagamuffinQ
"Too majestic for words." -Brony Hectic
"This is by far the best fiction on this site." -AwkwardTaco
"You show 'em, Cassandra!" -CartsBeforeHorses
"I love Applejack and this is still the greatest story ever told." -Twinkletail
"Your OC really is the best OC! (Other than MINE, of course...." -Twilicorn_Luver
"This is better then Fallout: Equestria." -DashieTheAlmighty

You're probably wondering how I came up with the name "Cassandra." Because while it is a beautiful name on its own, the meaning is deeper. Greek mythology tells of Cassandra, daughter of Priam, who is cursed to see the future, but never have anyone believe her. Consequentially, a "Cassandra" is one who says things that are true, but is largely ignored, either because these truths sound ridiculous, or are too painful to hear. While my Cassandra can't literally see the future (because where's the fun in that?), she still tends to be more perceptive than the others. However due to jealousy or inclination of mistrust, other ponies often disbelieve her. That is why her Element of Harmony is Trust; to represent that she has to learn to put trust in less-intelligent, less-reliable ponies, and that other ponies have to realize they should trust her.

Chapter 1: Pilot Chapter

"I can't believe you saved all of Equestria" said Twilight
"Well that's just one of the perks of being a princess, I stepped down from the throne because I was too powerful, but I still have all my powers" said Cassandra, "For I am the seventh element of Harmony, Trust."
"I understand," said Twilight, "I should have trusted that you could save Equestria, thank you for teaching me this lesson. You should hang out with us and go on our adventures."

Author's Notes:

For those of you who think Cassandra's a Mary Sue, you couldn't be further from the truth, she has conflicts like any other character. For instance there's a storyline where Rainbow Dash and Rarity both confess their feelings for her, and she can't decide which one to choose.

Chapter 2: The Broken Vase

The Mane 6 broke Cassandra's vase. "If she didn't forgive us, that would be the Worst. Possible. Thing." said Rarity. Fluttershy started crying. "I think I have a book on vase repair" said Twilight. "Reference to whatever's on the front page of KnowYourMeme" said Pinkie Pie. "The Wonderbolts will never accept me now" wailed Rainbow Dash.

"Konichiwa everypony" said Cassnadra. She was fluent in Japanese. "I just got back from helping Princess Celestia re-adjust the sun. It veered off course, and if I hadn't caught that, it would have barreled straight into the earth!"

"We broke your vase Cassandra" said Twilight "Is there any way we can make it up to you"

"I think so" said Cassandra. "Twilight, I want you to do my homework for the rest of the year. Pinkie Pie, I want you to give me free treats from Sugarcube Corner whenever I want. Rarity and Rainbow Dash, I want you to help me practice kissing." Cassandra was bisexual, which they learned to accept after she taught them a lesson about sexism, "And Applejack, you have to leave the gang forever."

Applejack looked sad, but she knew it was only fair. "I'm so glad you could forgive us, Cassandra" said Twilight. They all agreed they were lucky to have a friend like her.

Chapter 3: The Royal Wedding

It was a beautiful day for a Canterlot Wedding. The Mane Seven - less Twilight who was trappend in the cave - were standing at attention as bridesmaids to Cadence and Shining Armor. Cadence was actually Queen Chrysalis in disguise, unbeknownst to all of them... well most of them. The pastor said

"If anypony has any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your grace." Cassandra said,

"I've got your reason right HERE!" In an instant, she turned and smashed the impostor with her hind hooves. Chrysalis flew back and crashed through a stained glass window. Princess Celestia tried to hold the Changeling queen back, but it was hopeless and and she fell to the ground. The changelings came in and disguised themselves as ponies. But led by Cassandra's bravery they fought them back, and the Changeling army was defeated. The crowd cheered, they had saved Equestria, with Applejack as the only casualty. They weren't sure if they should hold the wedding given the circumstance. Then Twilight spoke up,
"We should go ahead as planned. Applejack wouldn't have wanted to be a buzzkill."
"Twilight!" chided Cassandra. She couldn't believe Twilight sometimes, that filly had all the book smarts in the world, but no idea how to behave in public. She had a point though. So they held the wedding and Cassandra sang "love is in bloom."

The following months were somber becuase they'd lost their friend, but at the same time unburdening because they didn't have to pretend to like Applejack's apple-flavored desserts anymore.

Chapter 4: Cider

"Ah will agree to yer Cider Competition" said Applejack to the Flim Flam Brothers, "Because Ah have noooooooooo business sense and ah'm too distracted thinkin' about rollin' around in the hay with Braeburn."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" said Cassandra. "Applejack, you silly pony, you really are clueless." Twilight was going to object to Cassandra's choice of words, but decided not to - she was right after all.

"It doesn't take a genius to understand supply and demand," Cassandra explained, "Exhibit A, the supply, 18 gallons of homemade cider, 144 pints. Exhibit B, the demand, looks like 208 customers." It was actually 209.*

"Your supply is falling short, it's no wonder you're having trouble making ends meet. You need to either increase the price or increase the supply."

"But won't the Flim Flam brothers just sell their cider for less?"

"That's a good question Applejack" said Cassandra. It wasn't, but she didn't want to hurt AJ's feelings. "True, they could make good on their threat to compete, but what do they stand to gain? Spite maybe, but they'll definitely be selling at a loss. They've got machine maintenance to deal with, plus there must be tons of towns where they don't have any cider competition. Besides, there's the import cost of apples that they have to contend with, where are they even going to get the apples from?"

"Ah already let 'em harvest the entire west orchard fer their demonstration"

"Oh for ****'s sake Applejack!!!" said Cassandra. In the background Rainbow Dash blushed, She liked it when Cassandra got rough.

"Alright, here's what we're going to do. Granny Smith, keep making apple cider. Big Mac," she motioned to the Flim Flam brothers, "escort these gentlemen out. And Appleboom, your cutie mark is building things, go make some cider-making machines."

"Wow Cassandra, yer much more help than Applejack" said Applebloom. She rushed off cheerfully.

"Ah'm glad ah didn't get suckered into their silly challenge" said Applejack. From the crowd, John Goodman Pony spoke up,

"Applejack, you threw the gauntlet, you can't just un-throw it. This is not Vietnam, there are rules here."

"But-"

"AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES!!!!" said John Goodman Pony.
Applejack realized that she didn't want to enter a world of pain, so she went ahead with the cider competition. And just like the legendary John Henry, Applejack took on the machine with her bare hooves, and she won, and it was glorious, and everypony got their cider. But also like John Henry, Applejack died.

The end.

Author's Notes:

* See? Cassandra's not a Mary Sue.

John Goodman Pony isn't something I made up, he was seen in the bowling alley in "The Cutie Pox"

Chapter 5: A Difficult Decision

The Mane 7 were staging an attack on King Sombra's castle. They planted the bomb that Cassandra had made, but there was a problem. "The detonator I made was faulty," said Twilight, "It'll still work, but somepony needs to stay behind and hold the wires together." Cassandra sighed. She wanted to say "damn it Twilight you had one job!" but time was of the essence
"You mean-" started Rainbow Dash
"Yes" replied Cassandra, "that somepony won't be coming back. Applejack, you like honesty don't you?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Then here's some for you, your element is the least important, you're staying."
"But Ah'm with child!" Applejack said
Rarity's jaw hit the floor, she got real emotional about girly stuff like that. "Who's the father" she asked, barely able to contain herself."
"Braeburn" replied Applejack.
"You're staying" said the other six in unison. They galloped off into the sunset and did that badass thing you see in the movies where they nonchalantly walk away from an explosion.

Chapter 6: The Mystery

People have been complaining about how Cassandra is always the hero. To prove them wrong, here's the completely original story of the time they went on a train and Pinkie Pie solved a mystery

"...and that's how I figured out that Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy ate the cake," said Cassandra.
"What are you going to do to us?" asked Fluttershy. Cassandra had made a citizen's arrest, the three of them were tied up and handcuffed. Rainbow Dash shifted uncomfortably. She didn't want the others to know that she enjoyed this kind of thing.
"I think I can make this all go away if you agree to some practice kissing." They agreed that it was a fair deal. Pinkie Pie looked dejected though.
"What's wrong Pinkie?" said Cassandra, "are you jealous that you don't get any kissing sessions?"
"Well yes," lamented Pinkie Pie, "but also I wanted to solve a mystery."

At that moment, the train drove through a tunnel and all the lights went out.
When they came back on, Applejack lay sprawled on the floor, dead.

"All right! Another mystery!" cheered Pinkie Pie, as she gleefully donned her detective hat, "I'll solve this one for sure!" She paced the room and then climbed over the ponies and stuff. Finally she said

"Eureka! ...is a really funny word, also I know who killed Applejack."

"Excellent" said Cassandra, "Are you ready to make an arrest?"

"Nope!" said Pinkie Pie

"Wait, but I thought you said you knew who killed her," said Rarity. Her brain wasn't much bigger than the late Applejack's, so it's understandable that she was having some trouble keeping up.

"I did" said Pinkie Pie, "because the killer, is Applejack"
Collective gasp

"She's such a clumsy pony that she tripped in the darkness and broke her neck."

"What a silly pony" said Twilight. They all laughed. The credits song was a bass-rock cover of "Who's a Silly Pony" from G1.

Author's Notes:

This is the bass-rock cover of "Who's a Silly Pony" that I was talking about. Regardless of how you feel about my story, it is worth a listen. It's a clever way of making a childish song accessible to a broader audience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF6Te2DDsyw

Chapter 7: Babs Seed

"I'm glad you told me about Babs Seed before things got out of hand" said Cassandra
"We had to go to the adult that we trusted most" said Applebloom.
"Don't worry" said Cassandra, "I know what do..."

Next morning the Cutie Mark Crusaders went about their business, their confidence renewed after their chat with Cassandra.

"That's a nice float you got dere" said Babs Seed, "Be a shame if something happened to it."

"Indeed it would" said Sweetie Belle, "Because we'd have to tell on you again."

"You told on me?" Babs sneered, "I knew it, you are just a bunch of crybabies"

"We didn't just tell on you" said Scootaloo, "We told Cassandra."

In an instant Babs' face lost all color. "C-come on guys, that's not something joke about. You know she has zero tolerance for bullying."

She staggered backwards, then tripped. As she picked herself up, she coughed and spat out a big black bug. Then another crawled out of her mouth, and another. Soon, a cascade of bugs were tumbling out of her mouth, like a blackened angry river. They crawled onto Babs' flesh and began to feast. The soon to be ex-bully cried out as her hair, her skin, and then her muscle were ripped from her body piece by inexorable piece. Not a drop of blood hit the floor; the voracious insects lapped everything up too fast. As they continued to feast they grew bigger and fatter, until not a drop of liquid nor an ounce of protein remained on the body. The oversized bugs burst like a fireworks display, and ignited Babs Seed's dried out skeleton. In an instant, nothing was left was but a pile of ash. An ominous wind picked up, and scattered the ashes to the four corners of Equestria.

The three cutie mark crusaders cheered. They were happy to have learned that telling an adult is the right solution. Tiara and Silver Spoons never bothered them again.

Author's Notes:

Wow, this one got dark. What say we not go there again?

Chapter 8: Winter Wrap Up

It was Winter Wrap Up time in Ponyville, and none were more busy than the Mane 7.

"Ok so everypony has their jobs right?" said the Mayor, "Rainbow Dash will lead the weather team, Applejack the plant team, and er... that unicorn pony as the Animal Team"

"It's Amethyst Star" said the unicorn pony

“Wait, explain the logic behind a pony with that name being in charge of the animals?” asked the mayor.

“Fluttershy didn’t want to do it so we went with the second best choice; picking a name out of a hat.”

"Well, on that encouraging note, everypony knows what to do, so let's get to it." finished the Mayor

Twilight, being a newcomer, did not know what to do. She sang "Winter Wrap Up" and then went to her friends to see if she could piggyback off of their talents and ideas.

"What do you do Cassandra?" asked Twilight Sparkle

"I have to fly to the Northern Hemisphere and manually adjust the planet's axis."

"But that's impossible for one pony to do, let alone without magic!"

"I do like a good challenge" replied Cassandra, "and nothing's impossible when you put your mind to it. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." She took off in a blaze of cyan light

"What a guy" said Twilight, looking on awestruck.

Cassandra rocketed along the curvature of the planet. Lesser ponies would be fatigued, distracted by the beautiful landscape below. But not her. As she was flying along, she chanced upon a grey pegasus pony, whom she recognized as Ditzy Doo, fervently searching for something.

"Have you seen the southern birds?" asked Ditzy

"I'd be hard pressed to find a southern bird as ravishing as yourself" joked Cassandra, making Ditzy blush, "but you might have better luck if you went south instead. Here, I think I see the problem." She fixed Ditzy's eyes. "Anyway, I have to get back to my job, so you take care of yourself now." and she took off again, with Ditzy now flying back south.

"What a guy" said Ditzy.

The frozen tundra of the north was harsh and unforgiving, but Cassandra pressed on. Eventually she made it to the Northern Hemisphere. She took a deep breath and focused. This was a task so delicate that not even Celestia was trusted with it. One wrong move and the planet could be burned or frozen in an instant. Even harder than inventing the spell that let ponies breathe in space, was gathering the courage to do this. But Cassandra knew she had to, and with a momentous heave, she rolled the axis nice and steady until it was at just the right position, down to a trillionth of a second. Relieved and satisfied, she turned around and went home.

She got there just as the town was in a fervor over disorganization. Suddenly an idea occurred to her. She shouted,
"HEY!" Everyone went quiet in an instant. "Why don't you have Twilight be the leader? I got bored during my flight and made this tri-colored vest. Let's give it to her."

"What a guy" said the mayor.

Author's Notes:

Ditsy and Derpy are one in the same in this canon, just for simplicity's sake. Also, Amethyst Star is the real name of that pony, according to the wiki.

Chapter 9: The Author

People have been asking me if I stole from Red Dwarf in the last chapter and the answer is no, Cassandra’s neologism was completely my own original idea. However, after looking into the matter, I can see how you might make that mistake, and in light of that I’ve decided to scrap plans for my new OC, a subservient butler pony named Kryten (don’t steal).

Dashie was in the hospital recuperating from a broken wing. Her only solace was in the Daring Do books that she’d recently been introduced to. One day Cassandra came to visit her in the hospital with a gift. All the other ponies couldn’t be bothered to visit, but Cassandra found the time.

“Couldn’t you just use your magic to heal my wing?” asked Rainbow Dash

“I could” said Cassandra “but I gave up that power, among others, because the princesses were jealous of me. But look on the bright side, you get to learn firsthand why it’s bad to be reckless.”

“Hey speaking of reckless,” said Dash coyly, “My wing’s broken so I wouldn’t be able to get away if somepony tried to do something to me.”

“Another time, I have a headache,” replied Cassandra. That was a lie, Cassandra never got headaches, but it seemed preferable to telling Dash that her hospital gown was a huge turnoff and she hadn’t bathed in days.

“Anyway, I brought you a gift.” Cassandra handed Rainbow Dash a small package which she tore open excitedly. Inside was a hardcover book

“Daring Do and the Dangerous Desert??? AWESOME” screamed Rainbow Dash, realizing a second too late she’d blown her cover, “I mean uh, books are for eggheads.”

“You can drop the facade, Dash, I know” said Cassandra, “Check the inside cover.”

Inscribed in perfect cursive writing was a message from the author, “To my #1 fan Rainbow Dash, get well soon. Signed C.N. Ponysworth.”

“Oooh thankyouthankyouthankyou” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, “How on earth did you get this?”

“I have my ways” said Cassandra.

“So is this Ponysworth a friend of yours?”

“Sort of” said Cassandra

“But who is she? What’s her real name?”

“She’s a mare of many, many talents,” said Cassandra and she winked at the camera.

A week later Rainbow was discharged from the hospital. The doctors believed that Cassandra’s gift had raised her spirits, causing her wing to heal faster.

Chapter 10: The Secret

Rarity was moping around. Photo Finish had made Fluttershy into a fashion legend, and completely ignored Rarity, whose entire livelihood was making clothes. Finally, she resolved herself to get out of bed and tell the pony she trusted most about her troubles.

Cassandra and Twilight were sipping jasmine tea and chatting. It was only the finest tea in the world, Cassandra made sure of that. Twilight had a rather unsophisticated palate before the two of them met, but Cassandra had gotten her to stop eating junk food and prepackaged crap, and enjoy the finer things in life. Cassandra was in the midst of a funny story.

“...So I said, ‘if your talent is making snowflakes, then why is your cutie mark a flower?’ And she said, ‘you tell me, I can’t see the damn thing!’”
Twilight laughed, she loved Cassandra’s stories. After that, Rarity arrived.

“Ohayō gozaimasu, Rarity-chan” said Cassandra.

“Cassandra, can I confide in you?” asked Rarity.

“Well, I am the Element of Trust”

“Great. See, I have this problem with Fluttershy” said Rarity, “She took the spotlight away from me and I’m jealous because she’s a model and I’m a nopony in the fashion world.”

“Ah, jealousy” said Cassandra, “it’s made me many enemies. That’s the price of being Celestia’s long-lost sister and the only pony on the planet that can cast level 99 spells. Anyway, advice: you need to tell Fluttershy the truth. She hates being a model and wants to quit. In fact, she’s actually hoping you’ll give her a reason to.”

“GASP” said Rarity, “I’m surprised at you Cassandra! She gave you that secret to keep, and you blew her trust wide open?”

“What secret?” said Cassandra, “I figured that all out on my own, seriously Rarity, anypony with eyes and a brain could have.”

“You’re so gorgeous when you’re smart.” said Rarity seductively.

“Not now” said Cassandra “I have a headache.”

“Thank you for your advice” said Rarity, “and I believe the best course of action is to do the opposite.” She gave Cassandra a peck on the cheek and hurried out. Cassandra sighed, she thought she was immune to headaches, but stupidity was proving to be a real kryptonite.

About three hours later Rarity returned to Cassandra’s house, her mane a tousled mess from stress and exhaustion.

“I do believe I have learned a lesson” she said, exasperatedly, “I should have trusted your advice. Let me make it up to you with some practice kissing.”
That was the first good idea she’d had all day.

Author's Notes:

Ten chapters! What a milestone! To celebrate I've got something special for next time.

Chapter 11: The Missing Crown (the movie)

Following Twilight’s coronation, the Mane 7 went to Canterlot for a party. But that night, something was amiss. As Twilight settled in for bed, she was uncomfortably trying to fold up her wings. She made a mental note to ask Cassandra for advice in the morning. As her thoughts turned to sleep, she was suddenly awoken by a hooded figure, who stole her crown and made a break for the magic mirror! Twilight teleported in front of her and stood fast like an immovable wall, but completely unexpectedly, Sunset Shimmer could teleport too! She hopped through the mirror with the crown.

The next day they hurried to the throne room to alert the Princesses.
“My goodness, when did this happen?” Asked Celestia
“Last night” said Twilight
“And you’re just telling me about it now?” said Celestia
“Well, I had already put on my facial mask and mane curlers.” said Rarity, “It would have taken hours to get them out and put them back again, so I figured best to salvage the night’s sleep”
“And have you seen Rainbow Dash and Pinkie without their morning coffee?” added Twilight, “Hard to believe I know, but they’re even more unbearable in that state. And when we got to the Royal Kitchen, Applejack wanted to have breakfast, and well I figured as long as we were there, might as well, efficiency right? Besides if we came here first, you’d probably have us do some crown-related task that would take us all the way through the afternoon, and you know the kitchen doesn’t serve breakfast after ten, so…”
“Princess” cut in Cassandra “I said we should come here immediately.”
“It doesn’t matter whose fault it was” said Celestia, “but for the record you’re pardoned. That pony you saw was Sunset Shimmer, my third most faithful student behind Twilight and Cassandra. She was once a promising student of mine until she didn’t get what she wanted, and her heart grew to darkness. She took the crown through the mirror into the alternate universe.”
While Celestia continued with the exposition, Cassandra was examining the duplicate Element of Magic.
“Hey Tia, shut up for a second and look at this,” said Cassandra - she was allowed to talk to her like that because the princess was her long lost sister. “This fake is very very convincing. You know anypony that could make one this good?”
“You could” said Celestia, “but by Faust you’re right! This is the real crown!”
“Forsooth!” exclaimed Luna, “We wish our detective skills were as sharp as the fair Cassandra’s!”
“So this Sunset Shimmer grabbed the wrong one by mistake?” asked Rainbow Dash
“So it would seem” said Celestia. Applejack laughed, “Ha! What a silly filly!”
“Don’t talk about my student that way!” said Celestia indignantly, and she clocked Applejack in the back of the head with a hoof.
“So Princess, I suppose there’s no reason for us to pursue her through the mirror world, is there?” asked Twilight
“Indeed not my student” replied Celestia, “in fact…” She hoisted the magic mirror above her head and threw it down on the marble floor. It landed with a great mighty crash and shattered into a million pieces. “Equestria is safe once again,” she finished.
“Hooray!” they all said.
“Now Applejack” said Celestia, “for your impudence you will clean all the floors in the palace with your tongue. You can start with the broken glass in this room.”
“All the floors?” said Applejack, “but that’ll take months! Ah won’t have any time to bake my apple pies, apple strudels, apple tarts, apple crisps, apple dumplings, or apple brown betty”
“Then this story DOES have a happy ending!” said Pinkie Pie. They all laughed.

Author's Notes:

Also check out the Alternate Version, in which Sunset takes the right crown, forcing Cassandra and Twilight to journey to the human world
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/145223/5/the-cassandra-chronicles-some-extras/the-missing-crown-take-2

Chapter 12: The Dragon Code

Cassandra and Rarity were sipping ginseng tea. It made Rarity feel especially privileged to drink this, because it was the fanciest tea in Equestria. Only the upper crust of society could even get on the waiting list for it, and even then it was 2 months for a single bag. But Cassandra always seemed to have some in the pantry, mysterious as she was about her sources.

Applejack came over, out of breath and stressed out. “Cassandra, ah have a problem” she said, “Ah saved Spike’s life and now he wants to be mah slave and won’t leave me alone.”

“Then what’s the problem?” said Rainbow Dash, coming down the stairs from the bedroom, “You’re always complaining about being poor and not having enough farmhands.”

“True, but in mah neck of the woods, slavery was abolished almost one hundred days ago.”

“I have an idea,” said Rainbow Dash, “why don’t you pretend to get attacked by timber wolves and have him save you? We can set it up really close to their territory to make it look convincing.”

“Why Rainbow Dash that’s a great idea!’ said Applejack

“That sounds dangerous” said Cassandra

Rainbow Dash sneered, “What’s dangerous about making a lot of noise in the Everfree Forest?”

Deciding to shift gears, Cassandra pondered for a moment then came up with an idea, “I could go to Canterlot and get us a Royal Order to dissolve Spike’s obligation. Equestrian law supercedes dragon codes”

“Ah don’t know what most of those words mean, but it sounds like it’ll take a long time” said Applejack

“I can fast track it because I’m Celestia’s long-lost sister” said Cassandra, “including travel time, it should take about 24 hours and 30 seconds.”

“That sounds boring” said Rainbow Dash, “you go do your egghead stuff and in the meantime we’ll do my idea.”

24 hours and 31 seconds later, Cassandra was back with the Royal Order. She has strained a wing in flight, which is why it took her longer than expected. She spotted her friends hanging around near the Everfree Forest, with sticks and twigs littered all over the place.
“What happened here?” she asked.

“We tried Rainbow Dash’s idea, and Applejack got eaten by timberwolves” said Pinkie Pie.

“Oh well, I guess we don’t need this anymore” said Cassandra, giving the now-useless parchment to Spike. He stamped it “VOID” and then used his fire breath to send it back to Canterlot.

“Now, have you all learned your lesson about trusting my advice?” Asked Cassandra

“Yes” said the other five, hanging their heads in shame. In the background, Spike caught himself swooning over Cassandra

“Steady on now, Spike” he said to himself, “you love Rarity.”

Author's Notes:

Did anyone spot the Snowdrop reference in one of my chapters?

Chapter 13: Pony Racism

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, a fact that Twilight had noted moments before being pulled inside Sugarcube Corner by Pinkie Pie. A few minutes later, Cassandra arrived.

“Konichiwa, Minasan,” she said. She was fluent in Japanese and many modern & ancient languages, “I just got back from translating some old documents for the Princesses.”

“That’s really cool” said Twilight admiringly, “What did they say?”

“They spoke of a cataclysmic snowstorm that happened many millennia ago and nearly wiped out the pony species.” They ponies all gasped and she continued, “But you’re never going to believe this; the cause of it all, was pony racism. Anyway enough about me, what have you all been up to?”

“We’re scared of the zebra because she’s different than us.” said Applejack, trembling

“You’ve got to be kidding me” said Cassandra. But the ponies were already out the door, chasing after Applebloom who had escaped. Cassandra rolled her eyes and followed them.

They chased her to the Everfree Forest and Zecora said “Beware, beware the poison joke.”

“It would do you good to be a little less cryptic” replied Cassandra.

“She’s put a curse on us!” exclaimed Applejack, “That’s it, ah’m gonna go shoot me a zebra”

“It’s not a curse” said Cassandra, “if you had any awareness of your surroundings, you’d see that you were stepping in Poison Joke.

“What’s that?” asked Twilight

“It’s a flower that does odd but harmless things to you when you touch it. The remedy is pretty standard and easy to make.”

“Wow” said Twilight, “I wish I was as well-read as you, Cassandra. Also I wish I was as good at magic and friendship.”

“You have many good talents” replied Cassandra, “For instance you’re really good at cleaning up an ink spill; I’ve never spilled my ink so I have less experience with that.”

“I’m glad that’s over with” said Fluttershy. As they were walking home, Applejack bumped into Cassandra because she had no spacial awareness.

“God damn it, Applejack!” she exclaimed “Now look what you’ve done, you got the Poison Joke on me!”

“Turribly sorry” said Applejack, “Ah was thinkin’ about Braeburn an’ zoned out.”

The next morning, Cassandra woke up and found that she was indeed cursed! She found not one, not two, but three split ends in her tail! It was understandably hard to forgive Applejack, but she resolved to do so. Truly she had gone through character development.

Chapter 14: Hurricane Cassandra

All the pegasi in Ponyville were crammed into the library. They had just finished watching an old black and white movie about tornadoes.

“Any questions?” asked Rainbow Dash, “Yes, Thunderlane?”

“Why are we meeting in the library?” he asked, “when it is neither big enough to fit all of us, nor the only venue in Ponyville with a working projector?”

“Any not stupid questions?” Rainbow asked, “yes, Blossomforth?”

“Why isn’t Cassandra here?” asked the Twilight Sparkle lookalike.

“Because A, we would all get distracted by how hot she is” replied Rainbow Dash. There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd. “And B, we’re trying for the world record, and the records commission said they wouldn’t count it if Cassandra took part.”

Later that day, the pegasi assembled at a racetrack to test their wingpower. Things appeared to be going well, but several of the pegasi were coughing in a foreshadowing sort of manner. Thunderlane, Cloudchaser, and ReallyFast scored 9 each, and then it was Fluttershy’s turn.

“I can’t help but feel like my name is setting me up for failure” she said.

Fluttershy took her turn at the wheel and embarrassed herself by only getting 2 wingpower. She resolved to go and train so that she wouldn’t be intimidated and could fly better.

“It will be difficult to do this without Cassandra” said Rainbow Dash, “but I just know we can hit 950 wingpower and break Fillydelphia’s record.”

The next day, the pegasi met at the reservoir. Many pegasi were missing, because they were home sick with the Feather Flu. Despite being well, Fluttershy was still too shy to show up. Cassandra was immune to all viruses, so she wasn’t sick. Spitfire was there to watch, so Rainbow hoped they could put on a good show. The remaining pegasi tried to make the tornado, but they failed spectacularly. Finally, Rainbow Dash had no choice,

“I know that it’ll mean giving up the record, but the job needs to get done. Cassandra, we need you to make a tornado.”

Cassandra took off like a megaton mortar and circled the lake at breakneck speed, shattering the sound barrier. She continued to kick up water vapor, and before long a cyclone of water that sparkled like diamonds arose from the lake. In a perfectly formed corkscrew pattern, it rose to Cloudsdale and filled their reservoir to the brim.

Over the heavy wind, Twilight called “3,000 wingpower! It’s a shame we can’t count that!”

Soon, the wind died down and Cassandra fluttered back to the surface gracefully. Spitfire looked on, jaw agape and goggles askew,

“I need to change my pants” she said.

“What happened to your voice?” said Rainbow Dash.

Chapter 15: Assertiveness

Fluttershy was at the farmer’s market to buy food for Angel. But she was having difficulties with the other ponies, they were pushing in front of her and trying to swindle her out of her money.

“Why is everypony suddenly being rude?” she wondered aloud, “It’s so… uncharacteristic.”

Written by Merriweather Williams flashed on screen

“Ah” said Fluttershy. She decided to seek out her friends, they'd know what to do. Applejack would comfort her, Rainbow Dash would teach them some manners, and Twilight Sparkle would give her useful advice. Hopefully one of them was perusing the farmer’s market.

Her train of thought was interrupted by Rarity and Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, um, I guess you’ll do” she said, “how do I deal with bullying?”

“Seduction” said Rarity
“And trickery” added Pinkie Pie

They each took a turn showing Fluttershy how to deal with adverse situations. Then, they had Fluttershy try it out on buying a cherry. But she made the crucial mistake of saying that she was interested in buying the cherry, so the salesman made her pay 10 bits for it.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” A cyan-colored streak shot across the sky and came to a screeching halt in front of Fluttershy. It was the steadfast and beautiful Cassandra.

“Mister, do you want me to give you the list of ponies that my friends and I have driven out of town for being assholes? Or would like to give my friend here a gift and we’ll pretend nothing happened?”

“Please, please don’t hurt me Cassandra” whimpered the shopkeeper, “I didn’t know she was your friend, I swear… sure sure, take the cherry, please, I insist. Would you like a bag?”

“Yes” said Cassandra, “yes we would.”

The shopkeeper pulled a plastic bag out from the dispenser, and with lightning-fast reflexes, Cassandra snatched it out of his hooves and yanked it down over his head. The shopkeeper struggled and gasped for air. He tried to wrench Cassandra’s hooves off of his neck, but to no avail, Cassandra was too strong. His face began to turn blue and his eyes bulged.

“How much for air?” she quipped, “Ten bits?”

He nodded his head frantically.

“What’s that you say?” asked Cassandra mockingly, “You need it really badly? In that case 20 bits! That sound fair to you Fluttershy?”

“I am blown away by your generosity” she replied.

Cassandra loosened her grip and allowed the shopkeeper to rip the bag off his head. He hurriedly counted out the bits and stacked them neatly on the counter next to the cherry.

“Give us the rest of the bags too.” said Cassandra.

Fluttershy and Cassandra went back to the cottage. They’d managed to ditch Pinkie Pie and Rarity. Angel was waiting for Fluttershy, looking pretty pissed off that she made him wait.

“Oh no” whimpered Fluttershy, “if I don’t feed Angel soon, he might starve!”

“Are you serious?” said Cassandra, “he’s an animal, he’ll eat when he’s hungry.”

“But he wouldn’t eat anything besides the special salad.”

“Somehow I think he’ll compromise his culinary standards before he starves to death."

“But I don’t want him to be sad” whined Fluttershy

Cassandra sighed heavily. “Fine, you want him to be happy, I’ll make him happy.” She leaned in real close to Angel Bunny, and said in a harsh whisper,

“You know little guy, it’s not just you that Fluttershy has to feed, it’s all the animals. And that includes the foxes, the wolves, and the birds of prey. You want something to be happy about? Be happy that you haven’t yet pushed her too far.”

Angel’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates, and he scuttled over to Fluttershy, rubbing against her hooves and making shrill crying noises. He never bullied her again.

The next day, Fluttershy and Cassandra went to Iron Will’s seminar. Iron Will plucked Fluttershy out of the crowd, brought her on stage, and taught her what to do when a fainting goat blocked her path. Then he told the crowd,

“If Iron Will can turn this little pony assertive, he can help anypony! And Iron Will is so sure that he’ll give you a full money back guarantee if you aren’t completely satisfied!”

“Excuse me” Cassandra piped up from the crowd, “I have two concerns”

“Iron Will will address one concern”

“Two” said Cassandra

“One, and don’t try to trick Iron Will by saying ‘one’ he’s too smart for that.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Two.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“One.”

“Three.”

“Two. Damn it!”

“Right, now that we’ve got that out of the way. First concern, do you know what happened to the last stage performer that spoke in the third person and got too uppity?”

“Iron Will does not.”

She whispered something in his ear, and his face went green. He retreated off stage and hurled out his guts for about five minutes. When he came back, he was pale and shaking.

“Pan have mercy, was she all right?” he stammered

“The rusty screwdriver will probably come out on its own,” assured Cassandra “but anyways, second concern, the money back guarantee.”

“What of it?” said Iron Will

“Have you ever given anypony a refund?”

“Of course not!” he said haughtily

“That’s what I thought, this is a Catch-22 isn’t it? If a pony is unsatisfied with the training she wants to get a refund. But to ask for the refund, she has to confront this gigantic bull-goat monstrosity...”

“That hurts Iron Will’s feelings.”

“...and then you point out that she’d have to be pretty assertive to demand a refund, and therefore your training must have worked, so you don’t owe her a cent.”

“Please don’t spill the beans on Iron Will’s operation!” he begged, “Iron Will will be ruined! Iron Will won’t be able to feed his goats!”

“You can go peddle to the griffins and dragons, but if I ever see you in pony territory again, I’ll make you change your name to Iron Steer. And I WILL find out if you come back, because I’m the princess’s long lost sister. Are we going to have any more problems?”

“No m’am!” whimpered Iron Will and he scurried away.

“What did you learn today, Fluttershy?” asked Cassandra

“That I need to be more assertive.”

“Good girl.”

Fluttershy was trying to cross a bridge, but it was blocked by two earth ponies telling a racist joke. Fluttershy could have just flown over them, but it was the principle of the matter. She kicked their carts and spilled garbage all over them.

“FLUTTERSHY!” yelled Cassandra, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m being assertive just like you taught me.” said Fluttershy proudly.

Cassandra shook her head, “No Fluttershy” she said, “it’s good to be assertive but being a bully is wrong.”

“Oh, my…” tears began to well up in Fluttershy’s eyes, “what have I become??? I’m a monster!”

“There there” said Cassandra, “as long as you learned a lesson, it’s all right in the end. Four sessions of practice kissing, and you’ll be forgiven.”

“Thanks Cassandra” said Fluttershy. She was lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

Chapter 16: Luna

It was Nightmare Night in Ponyville and all the ponies were reveling in the festivities. Cassandra had cast a spell the moon to make it shine extra brightly on their holiday. Everypony was in costume except Cassandra, for whom it was futile - no disguise could conceal her radiance.

Princess Luna came down on her bat-themed chariot with two guards designed to look like minions of Tartarus,

“THINE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT ARRIVETH!” she said, “WE WOULDST LIKE TO TAKE PART IN THE FESTIVITIES.”

Cassandra facehoofed. She cast a spell that made Luna talk at a normal volume

“That’s better, thank you Cassandra or can we call you sister?” said Luna

“I’d prefer you didn’t, I don’t want ponies to get jealous of me for being the princess’s long lost sister.” said Cassandra.

“Very well.” said Luna

“Mighty Princess of the crown, it’s an honor to have you grace our town.” said Zecora

“”Um.. ok?” said Luna, “And who pray tell is that cow pirate over there?”

“Oi! I is called Pip, an’ I isn’t a chairman mao!” replied the Cockney pony, “bu’ I guess it’s ‘ard to find a pair o’ posh n’ becks on the moon, so I forgive you.”

“Pip is a pinto pony” explained Cassandra, “he’s a child, and he’s easily amused, so just don’t say anything else stupid and the two of you will get along swimmingly.”

“Noted” said Luna

“Well, I have to go to the Earth’s core to recharge the Elements of Harmony. Don’t play Face Spiders while I’m gone.”

“But… ‘tis our favorite game” protested Luna

“Ugh, Luna, you really are too much sometimes” said Cassandra, exasperatedly, “Chess is a game, tennis is a game, turning spider dolls into real-live black widows is NOT a game, you imbecile.” She took off with a sonicboom that made Rainbow Dash’s signature Rainboom look like a christmas popper.

“So…” said Luna, trying not to disappoint her long lost sister, “thou likest pirates?”

“Aye” said Pip, “I’m gonna get me own flying kip an’ sail round the world”

“Umm” said Luna, fishing for something to talk about, “Piracy was outlawed in the year 1428 of our lord, and by mine own orders, five and twenty pirates didst lose their heads. Whilst we were on the moon, our sister didst decree that the guillotine was cruel and unusual. Instead, she didst harness the thunder of the skies and haveth the condemned seated in a wooden chair with a peculiar headpiece and leather restraints.”

“Ya got any ***s?” said Pip.

“Steady thy tongue!” barked Princess Luna, taken aback “that vulgar word doth be offensive to Cassandra, who is bisexual.”

“Cor blimey, I was just askin’ if you ‘ad any t‘bacco sticks. Me paren’s wont let me ‘ave ‘em on account of dey say it isn’ good for a boots’n’kicks year old.”

“I see” said Luna, “in that case indeed, help thyself.”

“Wot’s bisexual?” asked Pip.

Cassandra arrived at her destination, then flew up 300 feet in the air. She took a deep breath and shot into the ocean like a dart. She was aiming for the deepest point in all of Equestria, the Mareiana Trench. She dove down, and hit the water, smashing through the surface like glass. As she neared the bottom, she activated her pressure spell. That would protect her from imploding, but for air she was on her own. She’d been practicing holding her breath and could do it for 15 minutes.

As she reached max speed, she hit the bottom with a mighty crash. The ground fractured, and it grew to a fissure. It was a tight fit to get through, but Cassandra had been watching her figure to ensure that she could - Pinkie Pie wouldn’t have been able to make it. She was in an underground cavern, and going deeper. She passed gold and gems along the way, but remained steadfast. Such distractions would waylay a pony like Applejack who was always complaining about being poor. Although maybe she could make it through with a pair of blinders, thought Cassandra.

Finally she came to the lava flow at the very center of the earth. The Elements had to be fully submerged and she couldn’t drop them, so there was no way around it, her hoof had to go into the lava too. She had a spell to damper the pain, but it still felt like her hoof was in a pot of boiling water. Rarity would have given up and gone home; messing up her fur was the end of the world as far as she was concerned. Cassandra winced at the pain, but held her hooves steady until the Elements started to glow. It was done, Equestria was safe once again.

Cassandra returned to find the town in turmoil. Ponies were running in terror, spiders were crawling all over everypony, and if she didn’t know better, she would have guessed that Luna had turned back into Nightmare Moon

“Does somepony want to tell me what the hell is going on here?” she shouted

Zecora shouted back, “The princess had gone mad, nopony knows why! Do something quickly before we all die!”

“Anypony else want to try that?” asked Cassandra

“We kept reminding her of her darkest and most painful memories, and out of nowhere she just snapped!” replied Pinkie Pie

“Are there any black widow spiders?” asked Cassandra

“Why yes” said Twilight, “in fact Applejack got bitten and she died.”

“Well good thing I got here before anything serious happened,” replied Cassandra, “don’t worry, I can fix this.”

“LUNA!” she called out

“YOUR PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT IS HAVING FUN! THIS TRULY IS A NIGHTMARE NIGHT!”

“Luna, have some candy. According to folklore, that appeases you.”

“VERY WELL, WE SHALT ACCEPT YOUR CANDY BUT NOT BE APPEASED!”

“Oh is that how it’s going to be?” snarled Cassandra. She lunged at Nightmare Moon. The princess tried to repel her with magic, but Cassandra easily broke through. In an instant, she had her pinned on the ground.

“Get ahold of yourself!” she shouted “GET! Ahold! of! yourself!” slapping her with each syllable. Finally Luna came to,

“Oh my” she said, “didst we become Nightmare Moon again?”

“Yes” said Cassandra.

“And didst thou striketh us? Were thou not our long lost sister, the penalty would be death”

“Then I guess everything worked out for the best - you’re all better now, and you gave us a new ghost to haunt the town. But why’d you do it?”

“They wouldst not stop calling us Nightmare Moon and running in terror. Tis very hurtful considering how much we have tried to reform. We even verbalized that the entire holiday is a mockery us, but our logical reasoning didst only aggravate them further!”

“Luna, being a celebrity means constantly getting judged and ridiculed by the common folk. It’s just a thing they do.”

“So thou art saying they do these things because they love us?” inquired Luna.

“Sure, if that helps you sleep at night” said Cassandra.

“Luna, you’re my favourite Princess besides Cassandra.” said Pip

Rainbow Dash was sneaking up behind Cassandra to startle her with a thundercloud.

“Nope” said Cassandra. She clicked her hooves together and the cloud zapped Rainbow Dash instead.

Author's Notes:

I hope we get another episode with Pip. He doesn't do much for me as a character, but he's become my favorite to write for. I'm American BTW, it must've been hard to tell because I captured the British speech mannerisms so well with Pip's dialogue.

Chapter 17: The Apple Tree

The Mane 7 were on a train bound for Appleoosa. Applejack had brought a tree called Bloomberg, which was resting in the caboose.

“Say Applejack” said Twilight, “How long can trees survive after they’ve been uprooted?”

“Long enough ta make it to Appleoosa” she said impatiently, “why what’s with all th’ questions?”

“I just thought you were supposed to put the tree in a pot or something.”

“Fine, ya got me” said Applejack sarcastically, “ah’m goin’ ta Appleoosa ta have a roll in th’ hay with Braeburn, and ah ripped up one of mah trees, and rented out an entire train car just ta have a cover story.”

“Alright, alright” said Twilight, “I believe you, you’re going to Appleoosa to plant a tree in Braeburn’s orchard.”

Rarity snickered, “And maybe Braeburn will plant his seed in your orchard.”

The others burst out laughing. Suddenly, they felt a large jolt, and were thrown against the side of the car. They hurried outside just in time to see Little Strongheart making off with the caboose car.

“Oh no Appejack, your tree!” cried Fluttershy.

“Whatever... ah mean, oh no, that tree is very important.” replied Applejack.

Rainbow Dash and Cassandra took off after the hijacking buffalo, but Rainbow Dash hit her head on a signpost and was down for the count. Cassandra deftly avoided it and continued hot on Little Strongheart’s trail.

“Don’t follow me” she called to her friends, “I’ve got this under control! Trust me!”

She and Little Strongheart disappeared into the distance.

The rest of the ponies got into town, with Braeburn waiting at the train station.

“Welcome to Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapleoosa!” he said, “Let me show y’all around town!”

“Ah think they can find their own way” interrupted Applejack, “ah have important things to discuss with ya. Ah brought th’ apple tree fer yer orchard.”

“Er what tree?” said Braeburn, confused. Applejack elbowed him in the ribs, “Oh, ah remember, th’ tree that ah I asked you ta bring, which is th’ reason y’all came here. We should discuss it, in mah bedroom.” The duo of Apples hurriedly excused themselves.

“What are we going to do about the buffalo?” asked Rarity.

“We should send two ambassadors to work this out peacefully,“ said Twilight Sparkle, “we don’t want to startle or anger them, so I believe that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are the most prudent choices.”

“Aw yeah, gonna kick me some buffalo ass!” declared Rainbow Dash

Pinkie Pie’s saddlebags exploded with streamers and confetti.

“Whoopsie daisy," said Pinkie Pie, "I think I added a liiiiiittle too much gunpowder. Oh well, that probably won’t happen again.”

“Good luck you two” said Fluttershy.

*****

It was nightfall, and at the buffalo camp, Little Strongheart and Cassandra were sitting alone on a clff overlooking the full moon. Strongheart was telling Cassandra about the conflict between the buffalo and the Appleoosians,

“Our tribe’s stampeding ground was taken over by the ponies for their apple trees. It didn’t occur to us to say anything until the trees had grown big enough to be a problem. The ponies said something about Eminem’s domain, and it’s true, the trees are very slim and shady, but that’s no excuse to take land that doesn’t belong to them!”

“Can’t you stampede somewhere else?” asked Cassandra

“It’s tradition to stampede there” objected Strongheart

“Progressive societies aren’t burdened by tradition” said Cassandra, “that ground is fertile and soft, not practical for running.”

“What do you know about progressive society?” asked the young buffalo derisively.

“I’ll have you know, I convinced the mayor to take down all the “Equines Only” signs in Ponyville”

Strongheart snuggled closer to Cassandra. “You’re so noble!” she said admiringly, “perhaps we were wrong about you ponies. Peace pipe?” she asked, extending the feathered calumet

“No thank you, smoking is bad for your health”

“Beautiful, brave, and so wise!” squee’d the young buffalo. She blushed and turned her face away. “Miss Cassandra?” she started uneasily, “I’ve never kissed anyone before. Will you help me practice kissing?”

“It would be my honor.”

The morning sun rose on an increasingly-desperate Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Having left the town with no sense of direction and no idea which way to the buffalo camp, they had inevitably gotten lost. They’d run out of water, and were practically crawling on the ground. Thier voices were crackly and raspy

“Heeey Celestia” said Pinkie Pie, ‘how’s about keeping the sun down a few more hours?”.

“Pinkie, stop eating dirt” rasped Rainbow Dash to her friend, who had begun digging her head into the desert floor.

“But it’s got water in it” objected Pinkie Pie

“we… we should have listened to Cassandra” Rainbow Dash choked out, beginning to fade. From afar, a voice called out,

“Yes. Yes you should have.”

“Cassandra!” the dehydrated duo cried out.

“Let’s get you back to town.”

“Practice….kissing?” asked Rainbow Dash

“Later” said Cassandra, “you don’t look like you can spare the saliva.”

*****

Cassandra got a hero’s welcome when she arrived in town. She had used a cloning spell to create in identical patch of land next to the Appleoosian orchard that the buffalo could stampede on. Her diplomacy had settled the conflict once and for all; she had convinced the buffalo that ponies weren’t so bad.

“By the way, where’s Applejack?” asked Cassandra.

“She got run over while trying to retrieve a bit from the train tracks” said Rarity.

“She spent her whole life being poor, and it was the pursuit of money that killed her,” Twilight waxed poetically, “how ironic.”

“That’s not ironic, you moron.” said Cassandra.

Twilight was glad to have Cassandra as a friend, she was such a compendium of knowledge.

Author's Notes:

If shipping a pony and a dragon is normal, then surely shipping a pony with another hoofed animal is even more normal.

Chapter 18: The Ticket

Twilight and Cassandra and Applejack were carrying bushels of fresh-picked apples to the barn. Applejack had bet Big Macintosh that she could bring in all the golden delicious apples by lunchtime. When it became clear that she was in over her head, Applejack did what she always did after making a bet she couldn't win: she cheated. Thusly, she got Cassandra to pick all the apples in three seconds.

“Applejack,” inquired Cassandra, “I may not have a cutie mark in agricultural biology like yourself, but chromatology suggests that a ‘golden delicious’ apple would be a yellow one, and not an assortment of greens and reds like those we are currently carrying.”

“Sorry, did y’all say somethin’?” asked Applejack, “Ah saw a braeburn apple an’ it reminded me of Braeburn, and then ah kinda zoned out. But if y’all were suggestin’ ah was wrong about somethin’ then mah answer is get stuffed."

All of a sudden, Spike belched out two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala.

“Ah’ve always wanted to go to th’ Grand Galloping Gala!” declared Applejack, “Ah need to go and sell mah apple treats because ah’m so bad at makin’ money.”

“It does take a special pony to run a veritable apple empire and still be dirt poor,” said Twilight.

“Twilight, you needn’t be so callous” scolded Cassandra, “more to the point though, Applejack, I believe a vendor’s license is what you need. Besides, the purpose of the Gala is to get some time away from uncultured ponies like you.”

“Ah suppose yer right” said Applejack, “thanks fer showin me th’ error of mah ways.”

“Did you say gala ticket?” said Rainbow Dash, falling down from a tree, “I want to go to the Gala so I can meet the Wonderbolts!”

“Now hold on a darn tootin’ minute!” interrupted Applejack, “If Rainbow Dash wants that ticket, then ah want it twice as badly!” The two started hoof wrestling.

“Enough!” shouted Twilight, “I’ll figure out on my own who gets the ticket!”

Twilight was walking through town square, when she was tackled by Pinkie Pie, who expressed desire in the tickets. She sang her gala song and did her imagine-spot, which Cassandra could see thanks to a clairvoyance spell.

“Pinkie that’s so far off the mark it isn’t funny” she said, “seriously, just by looking up the word “gala” in the dictionary you’ll see that you’re wrong”

“I’ll ignore your advice” said Pinkie. Before long, Fluttershy and Rarity found out that Twilight had tickets, so they begged her too. Soon all of her friends were swarming her, trying to get the ticket.

“QUIET!” yelled Twilight, “I want everypony except Cassandra to leave me alone now!” She was tired of being bothered by her friends, but she never got tired of Cassandra’s company. As the two walked back to Twilight’s house, Applejack accosted them with a cartful of apple treats.

“Y’all hungry?” she asked

Normally Twilight would have tipped the cart over as a service to the palates of ponykind, but she was starving, and empty calories were better than nothing.

“Go ahead, have one” whispered Cassandra

“But she’s implying I have to give her the ticket if I do” whispered back Twilight.

“I know, trust me” Cassandra whispered back. At that moment, Twilight went through character development and decided to trust Cassandra. She began stuffing her face with pastries.

“HA!” shouted Applejack, “Ah did a favor for y’all now so now ya gotta give me the ticket!”

“Did you get that in writing?” asked Cassandra

“Er, ...no"

“Sucks to be you then, c’mon Twilight, let’s book it!”

The two ran like crazy to Twilight’s treehouse and barricaded the door.

“What am I going to do?” she asked, “I don’t have enough tickets for everypony and they all want to go.”

Suddenly, all 5 of her friends emerged from a dark corner. They explained to Twilight that they had all agreed to give up their ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.

“Why don’t you ask for more tickets?” said Cassandra.

Twilight did just that. Within minutes the Princess had sent her reply. She gave a ticket to everypony except Applejack, and then she gave one to Spike.

Chapter 19: The Hero

WARNING: This chapter spoils the ending of a Simon Pegg movie; even mentioning it by name would be too much of a spoiler. It is more than 5 years old, however, which I believe to be an acceptable grace period. You have been warned.

“Help, help!” cried the little filly at the bottom of the well. Cassandra and Rainbow Dash were flying high above when they heard the little filly.

“She needs help, Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Cassandra

“I’m on it!” said Dash, and she swooped downwards. Cassandra could have saved the child much faster and more efficiently, but she didn’t; Rainbow Dash needed the ego boost.

“Pry the boards, don’t smash through them!” called Cassandra. Rainbow Dash smashed through the boards and dove down into the well. Moments later she emerged victorious with the filly.

“Thank you for saving me Rainbow Dash” she said.

“No problem” said Rainbow Dash, though she wondered why she’d never noticed a well in that spot before.

Later that day, a baby carriage was flying down a steep hill, careening towards the edge of a deadly cliff. Rainbow Dash couldn’t recall ever seeing this topographical feature before, nor fathom why anypony would pave a road that led right to the edge of a cliff, but the time for questions was later. She grabbed onto the baby carriage and stopped it just in time. The crowd went wild, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but show off. Her friends were in a less-cheery mood though

“Can’t she see how annoying that is?” griped Twilight

“Ah reckon she ain’t bein’ modest enough” replied Applejack.

Later still, the balcony above the nursing home up and collapsed out of nowhere, but luckily Rainbow Dash was there to save the day. While she was glad for the fame, she was confounded by the fact that there was such a huge concentration of accidents in a single day.

“Seriously, somepony want to tell me what the feather is going on?” she demanded.

Written by Merriweather Williams flashed across the screen

“Oh, so it’s gonna be one of those days” she groaned.

The townspeople applauded Rainbow Dash. Reporter ponies snapped pictures of her, and little fillies clamored for autographs. Spike agreed to write her autobiography for her

“I’m a ghostwriter” he proclaimed proudly.

“Ghostwriter was an awesome show” remarked Cassandra. She remembered it because she was a 90’s kid.

“Are you still tired of Rainbow Dash’s showboating?” asked Twilight

“Yer darn tootin’” said Applejack, “but if we keep talkin’ behind her back and act all passive aggressive like, that has ta solve th’ problem eventually.”

They agreed, it was a good plan.

A hot air balloon burst and it was going down with the pilot inside. This time, Rainbow Dash showboated too much and missed the chance to save her. Instead, Mare Do Well jumped out and rescued the pilot. The town cheered, instantly forgetting about all the good deeds that Rainbow Dash had done.

In the town square, a new skyscraper was going up. The mayor had declared that she was tired of seeing the night sky, breathing clean air, and enjoying the quiet tranquility of nature. They had a bunch of construction equipment, thanks to Cassandra, who had invented the internal combustion engine 3 weeks ago. However, problems soon arose because nopony had trusted her advice that they should create OSHA.

The building collapsed and Rainbow Dash was on the scene, but she was too busy trying to do catchphrases to concentrate on saving them. Mare Do Well came in and saved them for her. Rainbow Dash managed to save one pony, but it didn’t mean squat because Mare Do Well saved more.

Rainbow Dash was seriously hankering for her fix of heroism. But ironically, the one time she wanted to find a problem, she couldn’t. Then, her eyes fixed on the hydroelectric dam. It had been built after Cassandra invented electricity 2 days ago. The dam was impenetrable and perfect in every way...almost. For just like its owner, the dam had one kryptonite: stupidity.

The dam began to crack as the rainbow pegasus neared. “I’ll just plug this leak with my HOOF!” declared Rainbow Dash. She jabbed her hoof into the concrete wall. Suddenly, another crack formed. She tried to plug it up too, but it only made the fractures worse. In an instant, the entire wall came down, trapping Dash in a torrent of water. Luckily Mare Do Well was there to save her and fix the dam.

“I don’t know what to do Cassandra” whined Rainbow Dash

“Yes, please just walk in here without knocking” said Cassandra.

“Mare Do Well is taking all the credit for saving ponies. She’s a unicorn, a pegasus, a Pinkie-senser, and a fashion designer all rolled into one! And it’s like she can be four places at once!”

“Rainbow, have you ever seen a movie called Hot Fuzz?” inquired Cassandra.

“50 times, why?”

“Does that give you any clue as to what might be going on here?”

Rainbow Dash pondered for a minute, “Nope, nothing.”

“Then depart in ignorance, you must learn this on your own.”

"So what you're saying is, I should murder Mare Do Well."

"There is no way you could have inferred that from my word choices" said a bewildered Cassandra/

"Alright, you drive a hard bargain, but I'll settle for just unmasking her in public. Bye Cassandra!" and Dash was off.

*****

An event was being held to award Mare Do Well a medal. Rainbow Dash lunged at the masked Mare, but she was too quick. Dash chased Mare Do Well through a labyrinthine back alley, but Mare Do Well continue to elude her grasp. Finally, she snuck up behind Mare Do Well, and lunged at her. Surprisingly, her yelling didn’t alert Mare Do Well to her presence, and she managed to subdue the masked pony. She pulled off her mask and it was Pinkie Pie!

“Pinkie?” she cried, “You’re Mare Do Well?”

“We all are” said Twilight, as she and the rest of her friends emerged

“I made the costumes” said Rarity
“I fixed the dam” added Twilight.
“I did the fly-over afterwards” said Fluttershy
“I saved the construction workers with my Pinkie Sense” said Pinkie, as Cassandra shoved her out of the way of a falling flowerpot
“And Applejack didn't want to be left out, so I made a costume for her too.” finished Rarity

“But why?” asked Dash

Cassandra, who wasn’t involved in the Mare Do Well project because she didn’t believe in deception, spoke up,

“They wanted to teach you a lesson in humility, Rainbow Dash. Your showboating was starting to get in the way of saving ponies. You shouldn't be after fame, you should be doing it because you’re a good person.”

“I understand” said Rainbow Dash, “I’ll keep doing good deeds whether or not it brings in a crowd of cheering fans.”

Aplejack said “Welp, now that Rainbow Dash learnt her less’n I’m thinkin’ we can stop bein’ Mare D-”

“I wasn’t done yet,” interrupted Cassandra, “You five have a lesson to learn too. If you have a problem with a friend, you should talk to them instead of trying to break them down. It’s really inappropriate to make a game out of saving lives. Sure, Rainbow wasn’t perfect, but you have to respect her for trying. Please, tell me who thought that demoralization was the right approach to this problem? (that was a rhetorical question, it was obviously Applejack). Maybe she’ll quit and that’ll be one less pony looking out for the town’s safety! Is that what you want, in a town where 6 accidents happened in a single day?”

“We’re sorry” said Fluttershy

“It’ ok” said Rainbow Dash. The 7 brought it in for a group hug, but Cassandra shoved Applejack away,

“There’s still the issue that vigilantism is illegal” she said

The other ponies’ faces fell. She was right.

“The way I see it, the rest of the world thinks that Mare Do Well is only one pony, so only one of you has to take to fall. I nominate Applejack. All in favor?”

They literally could not say “aye” fast enough. Being the princess’s long lost sister made Cassandra judge, jury, and executioner.

“Applejack, I sentence you to exile from Ponyville for life. Pack your things and get out by sundown” The other 6 agreed that it was a very fair decision.

Author's Notes:

On a serious note, if MW is reading this, I love you and most of your episodes, I really do, and I am grateful for your many contributions to MLP.

Wow, I've already reached chapter 19, fancy that! In honor of this milestone, the next will be a very special story; the story of Twilight's first day in Ponyville.

Chapter 20: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 1

“But Princess” whined Twilight for the millionth time, “why do I have to leave Canterlot and go to this Ponyville?”

“Because there is some learning that can’t be done with a book,” replied the Princess

Twilight snorted, “That I’d like to see.”

“My student, you have much knowledge, but you are a lonely caterpillar. To complete your studies, you must emerge as a social butterfly.”

“That was beautiful” remarked Twilight glowingly

“I got it from Cassandra” replied Celestia

“Who’s Cassandra?”

“You’ll see” said Celestia.

After a brief journey, the chariot carrying Twilight Sparkle and her assistant dragon Spike arrived in Ponyville. Twilight had a list of ponies that she was supposed to go and meet in preparation for the Summer Sun Celebration.

As Twilight walked along, reading the list, she suddenly came upon a light so bright, it was as if she was staring into the sun itself. As her eyes adjusted, it became clear that it was no ordinary light, but a mystical aura emanating from the pony standing before her. The clouds above parted, shining a sunbeam around her glorious figure. Twilight could see her clearly now, a pegasus with turquoise fur, only a thousand times more pure than the stone itself, and a windswept auburn mane that draped off of her like a veil of mystery. Twilight had read the thesaurus from cover to cover, but not even she could come up with enough adjectives to describe the pony that stood before her... beautiful, mysterious, impeccable, athletic, radiant, it was too much to take in.

“You must be Twilight Sparkle” said the pegasus in a melodic voice of liquid brass that sent shivers down Twilight’s spine.

“I.. yes” said Twilight, struggling to get her bearings back. Finally she extended her hoof for a shake. For a pegasus so trim, this one had a remarkably strong grip, Twilight observed.

“You may call me Cassandra. I am the guardian of Equestria, and long-lost sister to the crown. When I was just a filly, I learned that my destiny was to save the world in the even that the Elements failed. My past is checkered with darkness and sorrow, but my struggles hardened me. I learned magic despite being a pegasus, and became the most powerful spellcaster on the planet. But my enemies were jealous of me, so I resigned from my helm at the throne, and took to living a quiet, modest life.”

“That’s incredible!” exclaimed Twilight, “b-but if I may…” a combination of fear and admiration made Twilight apprehensive to challenge Cassandra even a little, “how does somepony with so much life experience not yet have a cutie mark?”

“Ah, but I do,” replied Cassandra, “It is starburst mounted on a shield, sat on top of crossed sabers, encircled by a laurel wreath, which is surrounded by the six glowing Elements of Harmony. But only the most enlightened ponies can see it.”

Twilight looked dejected.

“Don’t be sorrowful, Twilight Sparkle” reassured Cassandra, “it just means you have a long path of learning ahead of you.”

Twilight smiled, “Thanks Cassandra. I’ve only known you for a few minutes, but already you’ve given me so much great knowledge. But I really have to get down to business. How are your preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration coming?”

“There’s going to be a meteor shower tonight” said Cassandra.

“Ooh, how pretty” gushed Twilight

“It won’t be too pretty when the meteors collide with Ponyville”

“Oh no!”

“Not to worry, I’ve got it under control. With my magic, I can redirect it to anywhere within a thousand mile radius. I’ve chosen the only non-essential piece of land I could find, namely Applejack’s house.”

“Surely that can’t be right” said Twilight.

“I think you’ll change your tune after you meet her. She’s one of the ponies on your list.”

“Alright then” replied Twilight skeptically, and she headed off towards the meadow, where the list said she’d find a pony called Fluttershy.

Fluttershy was rehearsing with her birds when Twilight approached and startled her. After failing to get the timid pegasus to speak with her, Twilight gave up and walked away

“Ugh, this is hopeless” she groaned to Spike, “why can’t they all be as outgoing as Cassandra?”

Fluttershy’s ears perked up, and quick as a lightning strike, she was all over Twilight

“Did you say Cassandra?” she asked, suddenly wide-eyed full of enthusiasm, “oh my she’s just so... cool! But I’ve been too nervous to approach her, I styled my mane to look like hers, did she say if she liked it? Did she talk about me? Oh, but what if she said something mean?” she squeaked in terror.

“Breathe Fluttershy” said Twilight, “Cassandra is a kind and gentle pony who would never talk behind your back like that.”

“That’s such a relief, thank you!” said Fluttershy.

Twilight and Spike departed.

“You know, maybe I was wrong” said Twilight to Spike, “If all the ponies are like the two I’ve met so far, this town might not be so bad after all. Who’s next on the list?”

“Let’s see...” said Spike, glancing over the parchment, “It’s the caterer, that pony called Applejack.”

“I hate the fucking town!” screamed Twilight. She was back at her house, where Pinkie had surprised her with a party and a huge herd of unwelcome guests. Twilight had locked herself in her room with the one guest that was always welcome.

“I don’t know what to do, Cassandra,” she whined

“I take it you visited Applejack’s?”

“She was supposed to be in charge of the food, and she made nothing apple treats! I said to myself ‘keep an open mind, Twilight’ as she forced every single variation of the same dessert on me. But they all tasted like apples and cinnamon wrapped in pastry, and let me tell you, you can only pretend to like that for so long. Seriously, it’s like Deliverance with apples over there! How about using some other fruit once in a while? Maybe one that you don’t have to add a bunch of sugar to to make it semi-palatable!”

“Twilight, you should commend yourself for being so naturally gifted at pretending to like Applejack’s food.”

She continued ranting, “But I haven’t got to the best part yet, oh no! As I was making my way through this gauntlet of slimy apples and syrupy sweetness, I asked Applejack what she was having for dessert. And she went all goo-goo eyed, and muttered ‘Braeburn.” Twilight buried her face in her pillow and screamed.

“Well if it’s any consolation, your hot sauce cocktail must’ve burned the taste of apples right out of your mouth.”

“Hey that’s true” said Twilight, finally cracking a smile.

The two were interrupted by Spike, who told them that the celebration in town hall was beginning

They went to town hall, only to discover that Princess Celestia was missing! In her stead was the evil Nightmare Moon, who had just escaped from the moon. She declared,

“AH! After one thousand years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth!”

Author's Notes:

Comments poll: Take a look at the cover art; how many of you can see Cassandra's cutie mark? Leave your answer below. No cheating, she'll know.

Chapter 21: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 2

The Summer Sun celebration was underway, and it wasn’t going well. The guests were tired of eating apple flavored pastries, but they were too polite to hurt Applejack’s feelings. However, things started looking up when some literally divine intervention gave them an excuse to get out of there and go get some real food. Nightmare Moon had just crashed the party and declared herself the new ruler of Equestria.

“We need to assemble a team of ponies with attitude!” cried the Mayor

“Ooh ooh! Pick me!” yelled out Pinkie Pie

“You want attitude, it’s gotta be me!” declared Rainbow Dash

“Braeburn just loves a mare in uniform” gushed Applejack

“Or, I could just handle this myself” interjected Cassandra.

“Do you think we could tag along anyway?” asked Twilight, “what better way to learn than to shadow a pony as beautiful and wise as yourself?” Cassandra was immune to that kind of flattery, but she admired Twilight’s determination

“Alright, you can come” said Cassandra. The other six beamed with excitement.

The Mane 7 journeyed deep into the Everfree Forest. It became progressively darker as they went.

“I know a fun game to pass the time” said Pinkie Pie, “It’s called ‘Things You’re Intolerant Of!’”

“How does it work?” asked Twilight, who had always been too busy with the books to learn games

“You just say things you’re intolerant of,” replied Pinkie Pie, “like this… I’m intolerant of rocks. They’re boooooring!”

“Oh, I get it!” said Twilight excitedly, “I’m intolerant of snakes. They scare me, and some of them are poisonous. What about you Cassandra?”

“Bullying” she replied, “I have a zero-tolerance policy for it.”

“I’m intolerant of dirt” said Rarity, “It’s the natural enemy of dresses. Incidentally, if anypony’s interested, I’m at about a 4 out of 10 in terms of comfort level.”

“Ah’m intolerant of bisexuals,” said Applejack, “they’re weird.”

“Here here” said everypony except Cassandra.

“Hold on just a minute!” said Cassandra, “It’s not right to discriminate against ponies based on their sexual orientation.”

“We’re sorry Cassandra” said the other 6. They resolved to be more tolerant in the future.

“Twilight, why don’t you write Princess Celestia every time you learn something” suggested Cassandra.

“That’s a great idea, I will.” said Twilight.

“And I have something to tell you all,” continued Cassandra, I.. am bisexual.” Collective gasp.

“What’s it like to kiss a mare?” asked Rarity

“I… don’t know” said Cassandra ashamedly, “I never have.”

“I could help you practice kissing” said Rarity, “I shall be your canvas on which to hone your art.”

“Count me in too!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly.

“I… I want to help too, Cassandra” said Fluttershy timidly

“That’s so kind of you!” said Cassandra with a beautiful smile, “I love what you’ve done with your mane, by the way.” Fluttershy swooned, nearly passing out.

“Ah’ll help ya too, sugarcube!” declared Applejack.

“Thanks” said Cassandra flatly, “but three is about all I can handle.” That was a lie, but this wasn’t the time or place to express all the repugnance she felt at the thought of kissing the apple pony.

Suddenly, the ground collapsed underneath the Mane 7’s feet, and they found themselves in the midst of a landslide. Most of them jumped out of the way, but Twilight found herself on the edge of a cliff. Applejack grabbed her hooves and said,

“Let go of mah hooves.”

“What? Why?” said a bewildered Twilight,

“Because ah told ya to and ah always tell th’ truth.”

“That’s a terrible reason!” shouted Twilight.

“Twilight!” yelled Cassandra, “Fluttershy and Dash are directly below you, and they’ll catch you as soon as you let go”

“Well why didn’t you just say so?” yelled Twilight, chagrined. She dropped down and let the duo of pegasi catch her.

“Well shucks Cassandra, what’d ya do that for?” whined Applejack, “Ah was tryin’ to demonstrate mah honesty.”

“Honesty means nothing unless you have her trust. Which you don’t.”

Next, they came upon and angry manticore. They tried to fight it, but were swatted away. Cassandra, who preferred nonviolent methods, intervened quickly,

“Manticore!” she yelled, “If you let my friends and I pass by, I’ll teach you how to kill more efficiently. Deal?”

The manticore nodded, so Cassandra continued,

“Use the sharp part of your tail. Here, why don’t you try it out on the orange pony?”

Applejack’s face lit up at the prospect of doing something useful.

“It’s ok” said the manticore, “I trust you. Be on your way now.”

As they neared the castle, they faced many more perils. First they came to a forest of scary trees, which Cassandra disposed of with a chainsaw. Next Steven Magnet’s moustache fell off so Casssandra fixed it with the moustache growing spell. And finally, a team of Shadowbolts tried to lead Rainbow Dash astray, but Cassandra roundhouse kicked them until they ran away crying. Rainbow Dash was so grateful, she agreed to do some practice kissing later.

Finally, they arrived at Nightmare Moon’s castle.

“Stay back, It’s dangerous in here” said Cassandra, but her words were ignored.

“Look! Those stone spheres have symbols just like our cutie marks!” exclaimed Twilight, “These must be the elements of harmony!”

“ FOOLS!” shouted Nightmare Moon, materializing from dark blue smoke, “You thought you could beat me! Now you shall pay for your defiance!”

She stomped her hooves and the spheres shattered into pieces. Then she drew in dark energy and blasted the seven ponies with a deadly lunar beam. They leapt out of the way and ducked behind some rubble, but Applejack was clumsy and tripped over her own hooves. She slammed into the ground moments before the beam hit her full force. There was a loud POP and a bright flash, and when the light cleared, a slightly charred floor tile was all that remained where Applejack stood.

“That’s enough, sister!” yelled Cassandra. She leapt out, somersaulted in midair, and landed on the ground in a fighting pose. Her eyes began to glow white, and the room began to glow too. Twilight and friends felt the weight of the jewelry as it suddenly materialized onto them; a tiara for twilight, necklaces for the other 4, and a golden suit of armor encrusted with jewels for Cassandra. A rainbow ribbon made of mystical light encircled Nightmare Moon, draining the evil and malice out of her.

"I can't believe you saved all of Equestria" said Twilight

"Well that's just one of the perks of being a princess, I stepped down from the throne because I was too powerful, but I still have all my powers" said Cassandra, "For I am the seventh element of Harmony, Trust."

"I understand," said Twilight, "I should have trusted that you could save Equestria, thank you for teaching me this lesson. You should hang out with us and go on our adventures."
“It would be my honor” said Cassandra.

And so, Equestria was saved. Luna regained her place at the throne, and Twilight decided that staying in Ponyville was worth it after all.

“You know what this calls for?” said Pinkie, “A party!”

So they had their party, with real food this time, and Celestia said,

“Let us raise a glass to savior of Ponyville, and the world, Cassandra”

The crowd cheered,

“And let us also give toast to Applejack,” said Cassandra, “who distracted Nightmare Moon long enough for me to charge up my spell”

“As long as we’re not toasting with apple cider!” declared Twilight. They all laughed.

Chapter 22: A White Lie

Derpy and Rainbow Dash were preparing Town Hall for an event.

“Rainbow Dash” said Derpy, "I have a question that I believe may be of some importance at this juncture“

"Well spit it out then" said Rainbow Dash

"Ok, my question is: were we supposed to be fixing the town hall or wrecking it?”

“Well OBVIOUSLY the answer is…” Rainbow Dash started, “...actually I can’t remember either.”

“Should we ask Cassandra for help?” asked Derpy.

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Dash, “Cassandra taught me a technique so that I wouldn’t have to bug her so often. It’s called WWCD. What Would Cassandra Do?”

“Wicked!” said Derpy, “How does it work?”

“It’s easy. I just think really hard about how Cassandra would handle the problem if she were here right now. Stand back, I’m gonna give it a try.”

“Ooh” said Derpy, mystified.

Rainbow Dash shut her eyes and went into a zen state.

In her mind, an image appeared, of a time that Cassandra rescued her after she got stuck in a tree. Dash had been so grateful that she agreed to practice kissing right on the spot. But most pivotal of all was what Cassandra said next,

“You’ve got to be more careful.”

Dash’s eyes flew open,

“I’ve got it!” she declared, “we need to minimize risk and diversify our investments! If we hedge our bets between breaking it and fixing it, then we’ll be partially right no matter what!”

“Yay Cassandra!” shouted Derpy.

“Ok, so down to business” said Dash, “the building’s rundown, but we want it derelict. Derpy, you can start by smashing home holes in the roof”

“Aye aye” said Derpy. She slammed into town hall with an aerial kick, sending a good-sized chunk of wood down into the conference room”

“Next I’ll kick down a few of these support beams,” said Rainbow Dash, “Don’t worry, the structure will hold. Cassandra taught me that it can stand up with just three beams in a triangle pattern.” She circled around the balcony, bucking the appropriate beams from their mountings.

“And finally...” she picked up a hooful of stones and handed some of them to Derpy, “...we take care of the window removal." The two began hurling rocks at the town hall windows, laughing giddily.

“What the hell are you doing?” called Cassandra. The two pegasi looked to their left to see Cassandra, as well as a whole crowd of ponies actually, were there.

“We’re doing just like you said!” yelled Rainbow Dash, “we’re making the town hall halfway between broken and fixed!” She and Depry hoof-bumped. The reverberations shook the town hall and caused the entire structure to collapse.

“Brilliant” said Cassandra sarcastically. She made a mental note to write Celestia a retraction of her Friendship Report on trusting ponies less competent than oneself.

“So I know this is a moot point now, Miss Mayor” said Dash, “but out of interest, were we supposed to be fixing or wrecking the town hall!”

“Neither!” shouted the mayor, “you were supposed to be hanging that banner!” She motioned to the ground where a large white canvas with Applejack’s picture sat next to a hammer and a box of nails.

“Whoops, my bad” said Derpy.

“As I was saying,” continued the mayor, “we’re here to celebrate Applejack, who has kindly offered to donate her rodeo winnings towards the replacement of the town hall.”

“Speech! Speech!” yelled Pinkie Pie

“Hwell alright,” said Applejack, “ah never was a gal of many words but here goes… Ah’m very proud to be useful for th’ town. Even though mah own family is so poor that were probably gonna hafta to eat Applebloom to make it through th’ winter, ah'm gonna donate all th' bits because ah can’t say no to tha oppertunity ta get this much attention.”

The crowd cheered.

It was a week later, and Applejack still hadn’t come home.

“Where could she be?” wondered Fluttershy

Twilight replied, “I would assume she failed miserably at the rodeo competition because she’s an uncoordinated mess with no exceptional talents. And because she’s too proud to come home empty-hooved, she’s now making up the money by either prostituting herself to the locals or doing menial labor.”

“Twilight please!” said Cassandra, “while I can’t say I’d bet money against your theory, it wouldn’t kill you to sugarcoat it.”

“Sorry” said Twilight

“We probably should go check on Applejack,” continued Cassandra, “who’s up for a roadtrip?”

One transition later, the six ponies arrived in Dodge Junction, and spotted Applejack almost immediately.

“Applejack! Applejack! Hi!” called Pinkie Pie, bouncing over to her, “are you a prostitute?” she asked.

“Nah,” replied Applejack, “but ah do take lotsa cherries. Ah got a job workin’ fer th’ local orchard”

“Because you didn’t win any money at the rodeo” finished Cassandra.

“Now how’d yall know that?” inquired Applejack, “this was th’ one time ah didn’t tell the truth!”

“Because you can be read like a book” replied Cassandra, “honesty is a useless trait when you’re that bad at lying.”

“Well shucks, ya got me. Wanna help me make some money at th’ cherry factory?”

“I suppose we do owe it to the town” said Cassandra.

“Welcome to the factory, girls” said Cherry Jubilee. She was showing the Mane 7 to their workstations. “Applejack will spin the wheel, and the rest of you will sort the cherries into the red and yellow buckets. Most importantly, have fun.”

“Wait, what?” said Cassandra, “have fun? Is that really the advice you want to give to factory workers? Because the only fun I envision us having here involves lost product and onsite accidents.”

“Oh really?” said Cherry defiantly, “you think you know better than me how to run this factory?”

“I know so. I’ve only been in this room for a minute, but I can name ten inefficiencies.”

“Horseapples. Somepony as pretty as you couldn’t possibly be a genius businessmare as well!”

“You wanna try me?”

The next day, Cherry Jubilee’s business saw a serious upturn. Cherries were going out out as fast as the carter ponies could take them. The Jubilee factory had tripled in size, and by a much greater factor in income

“Cassandra, you’ve turned my little business into an empire” said Cherry, “these 50,000 bits are the least I can do.” She handed Cassandra a hefty sack of bits that Cassandra lifted effortlessly.

“Oh, and here, a more personal gift. I baked it this morning.” Cherry gave Cassandra a fresh cherry pie. She and her friends helped themselves to a slice. It was delicious,

“Mmm!” exclaimed Twilight “This is just like Applejack’s apple pie, only I want to keep eating after the first bite!”

“Wow Cassandra” said Applejack, “it sure is mighty great that ya raised th’ money ta fix th’ town hall.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Cassandra quizzically, “you raised this money by winning the rodeo.” She pushed the bag of bits into Applejack’s face.

“We saw the whole thing” said Rainbow Dash, “It was AWSEOME the way you hogtied Wild Bull Hickock to win the Masters’ lasso event.”

“And when you jumped over 15 hay bales? I was so nervous I could barely watch” added Fluttershy.

“Oh my, and the dressage contest” added Rarity, “such style, such finesse, I thought for a minute it was me out there!”

“Aside from Cassandra, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pony break so many world records in a single day,” finished Twilight

“Ya guys” said Applejack, tears welling up in her eyes, “Ah cayn’t believe ya’d do this fer me. Ah can’t wait ta see th’ look on the mayor’s faces when ah give her all these bits!”

“She’ll be happy enough with half of them” said Cassandra, “have you cleaned out the cellar recently? Didn’t you once tell me once that the Apple Family had a secret stash of around 25 thousand squirreled away for hard times?”

“Now that ya mention it, ah do faintly recall that.” replied Applejack

“All aboard!” called the train conductor

“Hey Cassandra?”

“Yes Applejack?”

“Th’ element of Honesty’s really startin’ to cramp mah style. Think you could help me come up with a better element when we get home?”

“I would love to.”

Author's Notes:

Aww how sweet, Applejack gets a Pet the Dog moment. Believe it or not, I do acknowledge her contributions when warranted.

Chapter 23: Parasprites

Princess Celestia was coming to town for a visit, and all the townspeople were hard at work. While most of them did insignificant tasks like watering flowers and putting up misspelled banners, Cassandra was busy protecting the town from invaders. However, because she wasn’t perfect, she didn’t have enough time to put up both the Changeling and Parasprite barriers. Faced with a difficult decision, she decided to rely on the age old coin flip,

“Heads I put up the Changeling barrier, tails I put up the Parasprite barrier. Wait… this won’t actually be random, because I know the secret to making it land on whichever side I want.” What she needed was a pony who wasn’t so distracted by knowledge and thinking, a tabula rasa of a brain.

“Hey Applejack! Flip this for me!” she called out to the orange pony, throwing her the coin. Applejack caught it with her hoof and obliged,

“It’s heads!” she shouted back. The coin flip was sacred, there was no going back.

Fluttershy came across a strange insectoid creature. It was about the size of a golf ball, with four wings and huge green eyes. When she tried to feed it, it ate all the apples in one bite.

“This is the perfect pet for somepony who has no source of income,” she said.

Cassandra stopped by Sugarcube Corner, where the Cakes were having trouble with Pinkie Pie eating everything.

“Mr and Mrs. Cake, just wanted to let you know that I couldn’t put the parasprite barrier up. It’s probably not going to be a problem, but I just thought I’d be on the safe side and alert all the food service establishments. Just be on the lookout for bugs, and don’t let anypony bring in outside food.”

“Ugh parasprites!” said Pinkie, her mouth full of chocolate cake, “I hate how they eat everything and make infinite clones of themselves!”

“Pinkie, do you know what the pot calling the kettle black means?” asked Cassandra

“Nopey dopey,” said Pinkie Pie continuing to stuff herself, “but I know what a parasprite is, and that’s surprisingly uncommon knowledge”

“Touche” said Cassandra, “anyways, I’ve got a dozen more shops to alert, so you two take care.

Later, the rest of the Mane cast except Applejack stopped by. Fluttershy showed them the Parasprite that she had found, which had now become three.

“Eew a parasprite!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, “Now I have to go find a trombone!”

“Um ok” said Twilight bewildered, “care to explain that in more detail?”

“Nope, I think that’s enough to give you the gist” said Pinkie Pie, and she dashed off

“Anyway” continued Fluttershy, “there was only one of these before. Do you two want to take the others?”

“Well, apart from the fact that I know nothing about Parasprite care, sure, I can’t see anything going wrong with this.” concluded Twilight

“I feel like I should consult Cassandra before making this sort of life decision” said Rarity.

“Bah” said Twilight, “You’re smart enough to make that decision on your own.”

“You know what? You’re right, I WILL make this decision on my own, and I choose… to keep this parasprite!”

“Way to go, Rarity!” cheered Twilight.

“Incidentally” said Rarity, “Why are the called a ‘Pair of Sprites’ when there are three of them here?”

“That seems like a good place to terminate this conversation.”

The ponies of Ponyville knelt before Princess Celestia, their heads bowed in shame. Cassandra stood by her long lost sister’s side, looking stoic

“Somepony” began Celestia, “Is responsible for bringing the parasprite invasion to Ponyville. And just like in the movie “Spartacus,” I will spare the lives of everypony here, as long as the individual responsible steps forward and accepts their punishment of five practice kissing sessions with Cassandra.”

Fluttershy was ready to confess. It was time to atone for her crimes. She took a deep breath,

“I’m Spartacus!” The crowd gasped and looked around to see who had spoken up. It was Rainbow Dash, head held high, and hooves planted firm.

“No darling, I’m Spartacus!” said Rarity, also rising to her feet.

“I’m Spartacus!” said Cherilee

“I’m Spartacus!” said Big Mac (see? I didn’t forget that Cassandra’s bisexual)

“I’m Spartacus!” said the mayor

“I’m Spartacus” said Spitfire

“I’m Spartacus” said Lemon Hearts.

As the shouting continued, and Celestia leaned over to Cassandra and whispered,

“What are we going to do?”

“I’ll have to take one for the team” said Cassandra, “Hedging our bets is the only way to ensure that the guilty get punished”

As usual, Celestia was bowled over by Cassandra’s bravery.

“Ah’m Spartacus!” said Applejack

“No” said Cassandra, “you’re not.”