Everyday adventures: splinters and gigglesby A sentient hat
Chapters
Monday
Oh man, where's that kid. I shifted from my usual placid tone to a more gruff, throaty, gravel like tone, "Apple Bloom, where are ya!?" They said it sounded like I turned into the cookie-monster, screw em though I ain't no puppet, "Apple Bloom get over here,"
"Comin!" The young filly scrambled into the workshop door, "Sorry Mr.Tacks," I changed my last name when I applied to live here, Jack Brass Tacks. She stood in the doorway waiting for me to say something.
Deepening the gravely texture of my voice I leaned over the table I was working on, "Well, come on get over here!" She gave a quick giggle, part of the reason I changed my voice was for fun, making the ponies laugh always brought me a warm fuzzy feeling. The downside to doing the voice meant it tore the shit out of my throat, "Oh- god," I said starting to change back to my normal voice, "*Cough* man...actually, can you get me a glass of water," I said pointing her back to the door to my main house.
She gave a quick smile before scampering off, "Sure,"
"Ah...good girl," I rubbed my throat trying to banish the burning sensation, "Really have to stop doing that though,"
I finished nailing down the second leg on the table, "Sturdy enough *Cough*," I said, accidentally shifting back to the novelty voice. I grabbed at my throat again, before going into a small coughing fit.
"Mr.Tacks are you okay?" A pair of bright orange eyes broke my vision, "Here," She turned revealing a glass of water sitting atop her back.
"Thanks- thanks," I said slipping in and out of the voice, "*Cough* just...give me a second," I quickly drained the glass of water, partial relief flooding my throat, "Oh dear god...so much better, thank you most excellent assistant," Yet again causing a giggle from the small filly, "Now, let's see if you have the- wheres your shoe?"
"Oh-" She looked curiously down at her bare hooves, "The Farrier said I should try to wear the shoes as little as possible," Oh right, she just barely got them replaced.
"Well...go get it, now would be the time," She quickly ran to my workbench and snagged her saddlebag and dragged it over, "Bring it here," She handed it off and I found the shoe, "Alright, come here," I met with her farrier a while ago and had one flat metal shoe made for her right fore hoof, it was basically a multi tool. A hammer, nail remover, file, and protective glove all in one, It even had a leather hood that hung over the entire lower half of her hoof. Four screw in and she was ready, "Alright, lets finish up the table," I held the nail in place on one of the supports and let her stamp it into place, "Yes, good work," I quickly nailed in the opposite support, "One more,"
We quickly finished up the basic work and flipped it over, "Ok, time to check the sturdiness," I jammed my arms under Apple Bloom's fore legs and scooped her up and onto the table, laughing all the while, "Alright so how is it,"
She quickly shifted back and forth trying to wobble it, "Hmm needs some trimmin on the front left ah think," I stuck my hand onto the table and sure enough it felt like the front was slightly off kilter.
"Apple Bloom," Ah perfect timing, "Tacks," I set the filly down and removed her horseshoe.
"Good work today, doing great so far," I said leading her into my house and to the front door. The workshop was basically in place of a garage, "Same time tomorrow," I pushed my door open revealing a robust orange mare, "All done for the day Applejack,"
"Uh, you alright there,"
"Oh- sorry, get stuck like that sometimes,"
"Uh huh, well come on Apple Bloom," She always was rather suspicious of me, from what I've heard Apple Bloom tells stories about me, I can see how it might seem a bit odd for a recent arrival with such an odd story to take a young filly into his workplace/home. Chris Hanson can keep away though, no way I'd hurt that adorable little girl. I might be a maniac but I'll eat my own bollocks before I turn into a pedo.
"Alright, bye Mr.Tacks," She said waving a hoof as they went.
I just wave back before heading back inside. I planned on finishing up the table, washing up, and going out for a drink. Maybe I'll see a pretty girl tonight...."Heh, maybe a good ass or mare..." Stupid jokes are one of my small pleasures. I walked back into my workshop and grabbed my tools, I quickly found the cause of the wobble and shaved it down flush with the others. All that was left was to sand it down and add a finish.
Screw that though, I needed to relax. With the basic work done I went into my kitchen a grabbed a quick snack before walking outside. Toast in hand I slowly walked to the local bar. Only been here once before and I don't remember that so well. I managed to finish the toast before stepping into the bar. Crumbs barely brushed off my jacket before the door closed behind me. I walked over too the bar choosing to sit next to a plum colored mare with a rather appealing backside. Lecherous, me, no way.
"Hello there~ what are ya drinkin," She just looked over at me with a slightly wobbly smile, glass of wine resting next to her hoof, "Barkeep, more wine and two beers!"
"Oh hoow nice of yoou, my names...Berry," She said, barely able to keep from falling over. An extremely early drinker. Oh god, can I do this without being a total bastard...I must try.
"So come here often," I asked as the barkeep brought the drinks and I slid him the bits.
"Ever- *Hic* every day...except- for Thursdays," Oh man, I feel a little bad about try to do this.
"Well, expect to see a lot more of me, name's Jack," I took the first drink from my beer, first impressions: thick...oddly thick, not bad mind you, "Oh, well that's interesting,"
She started laughing, "What ish that?" I couldn't help but smirk.
"Oh this, just the voice I use for pretty mares," smooth like month old milk.
"Aww thash soo sweet," Man she really was drunk if she actually thought that was funny. The next few hours were filled with broken conversations held by two increasingly drunken people. Drink by drink, hour by hour.
"I caan't believe yoou draank the whoole bottle," I said swaying in my seat.
"I dunt usually drink s-so much, but it's a celebra- cele- thing,"
"Ooh en why'sh that,"
"Beacush, I have a new hum-en friend, the last one stopped showing up," She sounded somewhat bitter about it.
"Whell schrew that guy- girl- thing,"
"Ya know...I don't really shink I can make it home by myself~" She cooed, "I might need shom help gettin inta bed~"
"Yesh, come on, I live around tha corner," I shoved off the bar counter and almost fell backwards off my stool, I stumbled down to the door, "Come ooon," I said clutching the doorframe.
She eventually reached me and we trundled sloppily down the street, "Sooo whadya think of this," she threw her hoof around erratically.
"I don get it,"
"Like, Ponie Ville, ponies, yoou knoow,"
"Oh- well I did- *hurk* did move here- oh hey look," I pointed to the worn door of my home, "Finnaly I jush need-" I fished around in my pocket for my key, eventually finding it after spilling the last of my bits on the ground, "Well...fuck it," I jammed the key in and pushed inside, "Welcomes to ma home,"
She gave a few quick sniffs, "Smellsh like shawdusht in here,"
"Did I mention I work with wood," Perks of being a carpenter meant I could get as drunk as I want, so long as I can swing a hammer and make measurements.
She started snickering, "..So do I,"
"Oh- oh! oh...i fergot, my bedsh upstairsh," I tried to take the first step up and immediatly lost my balance and fell backwards, landing on my back, "Ow....I really....shoulda not gotten soo drunk..." I felt something press into my chest.
"Jusht let me," She said laying her head down on my stomache, "Jusht~" I felt something tug at my pants for a few seconds before giving up.
"Hello," I asked trying to lift my head up. My body wasn't having any of that. I ended up just laying on the floor with the mare half on and half off my gut. I slowly slipped into a comfortable sleep on the hardwood floor. Maybe this didn't play out like I thought but I can certainly think of worse ways to fall asleep.
Tuesday
...my damn head...I slowly opened my eyes finding the dimly lit ceiling of my home, "Augh....why do I do this to myself," I felt something stir on my gut, "...and other people...."
She hazily pulled her head up and looked around, "Oh Celestia...." She looked over at me, "We....we didn't...did we?"
"No, at least I don't think so...." She stood up, letting me do the same, "In all fairness I prefer doing it sober....hard to get into latex druuunk..."
She looked up at me with an annoyed look on her face, a trail of spit hanging from her mouth, "What is wrong with you...your voice I mean-"
"Oh...yeah, sorry...I don't really do it on purpose," She whipped her face with her hoof, "So....coffee," I asked walking to my kitchen. She followed slowly, bumping her hip on the doorway.
I pulled a seat out and helped her up, "Thanks...sorry if I, offended you," She said throwing her mane to the side.
"What does that mean," I asked setting up my coffeemaker.
"Well usually people get offended when I- never mind...just...not really the person I wanted to wake up with necessarily," Ow...my pride.
"Eh don't worry, gotta be honest though if you wanted a stallion, you might be blind," This got a half laugh from her.
"Heh- no...I sorta...stood up-"
" Oh yeah I think you said something about another guy, another human,"
"What?! Oh Luna...I don't remember any of that," She groaned laying her head on my dining table.
"Yeah, you were pretty hammered," I set a coffee cup down on the table with a thud, "So you got work or something today," I asked taking the seat across from her.
"No, I own a business, I only work on Monday and Wednesday...This coffee is good,"
"Better be...damn expensive- wait only two days?"
"Yeah, I import alcohol from the US, I mostly just fill out paperwork and wait for deliveries,"
"Well...that...makes sense,"
"Ahahaha- because I drink- shut up!" She barked tossing her head side to side as she did it.
"Hey I'm not judging, I was just as fucked up as you,"
"Apparently too drunk to preform..." She set the coffee mug down and looked at me even more annoyed.
"You wanna test that now!?" I yelled slamming my hands on the table.
"Hmmm, no. No offense but you're not what I'm after,"
"Yeah you're apparently hunting someone who stood you up,"
"Just because he did once doesn't mean he will again!"
"Who is it, I know most humans in this town,"
"No!"
"Do it,"
"Nooo,"
"Doooo it,"
"Nope,"
"DO IT!"
"NO!"
"Paul, Sam, Clark, Mark, Core-" Her ear twitched on the last one, "Corey!? Uh..." Her face lowered, "You...uh...you know he's-"
"Yes...."
"Still- still holding onto hope?"
"No...." An oppressive silence fell between us as her head sank lower and lower.
"...you want a hug?" She didn't answer, she just stuck her forelegs out. I quickly traversed the table and pulled her into what might have been the most lopsided hug I've ever had. She put all her force into it while I barely did a thing.
"I know he's taken....I just...." I felt her dig into my shirt, "I wish-"
"hug it out...just hug it out," I started rocking lightly left and right, making sure not to tip her off the table.
I felt her pull even tighter, this is horrible, "I'm not- *sniff* I wasn't drunk enough- *sniff* to feel this bad,"
Fuck..."I-I need to get cleaned up, you can hang out if you want...." I pulled her off with some force, only for her to clamp back onto me.
I gave it even more strength trying to pry myself away. She didn't let go, "You sure,"
"No....but I can't see another alternative," Eventually she let off, eyes slightly puffy and fur dampened,"
I quickly back out of hugging distance, "You're gonna be ok right?"
She whipper her eyes trying to clear her tears, "Yeah....I think so,"
"Uh.....I'll make it quick...you can use the shower after," I hurried up the stairs, stopping at the top, "And don't bother trying to steal anything....nothings worth anything," I quickly made my way to my bathroom and cranked the hot water on. Steam filled the room, I'll leave out the details of the disgusting layer of filth and sawdust that washed off me. I made it quick just to further discourage her looting of my kitchen...I paid for my food dammit.
I got out and began toweling off my head, eventually I worked my way down. I hadn't expected to be faced with a now bright faced mare, "GAH! Wha....why are you in my bathroom!?"
She took a step forward and began lifting a hoof, "I just wanted....I've never..."
She started extending a hoof towards my Johnson, "Hey, hey, HEY!" I stepped backwards falling backwards into my shower, "Ach- ow..." Her she set her hoof down and walked over to meet my eyes. I pulled my towel to cover my wilted person, "Why you do this?"
"I- You...earlier.....not many ponies are so nice to me, I just..."
"...I just showered.....at least wait until I've dried off to try anything..."
I pulled myself upright still clutching the towel to myself, "Sorry...it looks squishier than I thought...."
"Oh well screw you too, I wasn't exactly expecting to be judged fresh out of the shower!"
"Well, you don't even see them on stallions until their ready,"
"Wait....so you were never even with Corey?"
"Well...I felt his thingy when he-"
"Was this consensual?"
"Mostly...."
"That doesn't count then...wait mostly?"
"Well I...I kinda grabbed him, not there but I felt it press against my hoof,"
"Huh?"
"I hugged him...his thing brushed past my hoof," She shook her back leg to clarify.
"...Yeah that doesn't count."
"Well at least I've seen one now..."
"Again you cant really count this....maybe later....but you cant count this."
"I thought you'd be flattered, I mean I know you humans like it when people look at your things,"
"Yeah....that's why we wear pants....and underwear...and some people tuggies."
"What's a tuggie?"
".....A cock sock....."
"Oh....what's a cock?"
".....I thought you were into humans?"
"One.....and he never really said much to me," Her tone dipped again, falling from her normal sultry voice to a more sad and broken tone.
"No hug....need pants," I pushed past with her in quick pursuit, "Stop it,"
"No...you said I could hang out,"
"Yeah...not watch me get dressed!"
"Come on..."
"....fine....no grabbing, no biting," We made our way to my room and I quickly pulled a shirt on, "This...this is creepy," She had laid down on her stomach head in her hooves watching me get dressed, "You enjoying yourself," I pulled my underwear on and pulled a pair of pants on, "Seriously that is a really creepy stare..." She was absolutely captivated, staring right between my thighs, even after it was covered, "It's really not that interesting,"
"But I like it," She said not breaking her line of sight.
"That's.....I'm gonna go and get to work," I hurried out into the main room and eventually into the workshop. She followed me the whole way.
"*Sniff* you smell like a table...." She noted on our way to the workshop.
"Huh!?" I stopped before the workshop door, "What does that mean?"
"Like coffee and wood,"
I perked an eyebrow up, "What kind of table are you sniffing?"
"Yours...."
"Why are you sniffing my table?"
"Because it smells like coffee," Oh...well...that's at least comparatively normal.
I ignored it and pushed into my workshop, taking a step into the lowered area to contain sawdust and grabbed a belt-sander. I quickly began sanding the entirety of the table, Berry coughing as sawdust filled the room. I cut the power and set it down, finding a pony dust mask in a bin, "Here," I tossed her the mask, "You really don't want to breathe this stuff in,"
She had a hard time but eventually pulled it on, "Why do you have these?"
"I have an assistant that's a pony," I went back to sanding.
"Where is she?"
"School....she's like.....twelve or something,"
"Awww you work with kids?"
"....yes...."
"That's so cute," her voice was buttery, like an enamored schoolgirl.
"Not really...this work isnt "cute" more gritty and splintery," I finished sanding the table down. I unplugged the sander and looked for the stain, "You might want to go and wait in the kitchen,"
"Why?"
"...ever gotten high enough to see the face of god?"
"No..." She tilted her head.
"Ever wanted to,"
"No,"
"Then you don't want to be here, the stain will really fuck you up,"
"...don't you have a mask for that?"
"Yes...mine," She gave a quick pout before leaving the workshop, "Geez, It's like having a girlfriend again..." I grabbed a brush and started applying the stain. It was a quick and uninteresting process. Once it was done I pulled the thing outside and let it dry without causing anyone and brain damage.
"It looks good," I turned seeing Berry hanging out of my window.
"....your....your gonna stalk me now aren't you?"
"Why would you ask that?! I mean you brought me with you in the first place," She had a point...
"Sure..." I closed the door from my workshop to the outside and went back to my main house. Patches of stain dotting my clothes, "Well if you wanted to shag, now would be the time," I said unbuttoning my shirt and passing through my entry, "I'll be in the bathroom," I hurried up the stairs with Berry nipping at my heels.
"Come on, hurry up!" She complained before getting behind me and pushing me forward.
"Hey just calm down! I still have work to do after this,"
"Aww....then why now?"
"Well I have to wait for the stain to dry.....you really seemed to want it..."
"But I want to cuddle after," She moaned as her pushing stopped.
".....hug?" I asked. She stuck a hoof out for me. I knelt down and pulled her into another strangulating hug, "Jesus- you really are needy,"
"I just....I like being held....stallions never like to cuddle...." She said hanging her head on my shoulder.
"I wouldn't know....." I said stroking her back, "I really wouldn't know...."We just stayed there for a while, it was nice....
"You know you're stuck with me now right?" I felt something catch in my gullet.
"Yeah.....somehow I figured that out about the time you tried to grab my junk...." She finally let go and took a step back.
"I'm kidding....unless you want me to stay," Fishing.....FISHING, SHE'S FISHING!
"Well.....I cant complain having a good looking mare hanging around, just don't get drunk without me," I said starting back down the stairs, "I need to get this delivered," I pointed out the nearest window, "But maybe we can "hang out" later," I lead her to the front door and locked it once she was clear.
"So....when can I see you again?"
"....I have Thursday off,"
"So tomorrow night?"
"....sure," She gave a quick wide smile before turning around flicking her tail to the side and trotting off while waggling her hips, giving me a good view as she left ".....ass....." Seriously what else could I say to that.
Next step of the day was delivering this table, "Mr.Tacks!" I turned seeing a yellow coat dashing towards me, "Mr.Tacks, hi!"
Right when I got some alone time out pops another one, "Hello..." I looked towards the garage door to my workshop, "Apple Bloom this is just gonna be a delivery, you can go home if you want," I said opening the door and looking for my hand truck.
"No way! Ah ain't about to leave you on your own," Of course not....
"Well....I guess you can tag along," Eventually I found the hand truck and tipped the table onto it, "Come on...." I started pushing the hand truck down the road into town. The walk was slow, the table slowing me down considerably.
"So...where we goin?"
"Sugar cube corner, apparently they go through tables really fast,"
"...that...kinda makes sense," She said looking strait forward.
"...Why's that,"
"From what Applejack says Pinkie Pie is kinda klutzy," Oh...who the hell is Pinkie Pie?
There it was, looked like gingerbread, "Apple Bloom go and call the owners,"
"Ok," She hurried off into the shop.
I heard a bunch of rustling coming from the side of the house followed by an odd bouncing sound, "Hello?"
"Hi!" A pink blob bounced past me, causing me to jump from the surprise.
"Gah- JESUS! Why you do dis?!" She stepped past me pressing her hooves into the new table.
"Oooo, smooth,"
"Uh....can I help you?"
"Oh sorry, I'm Pinkie Pie, I work the for the Cakes!"
"Who?"
"The Cakes! The owners of Sugar cube corner," Oh...ok then.
"Can you sign for this?"
"I don't know....."
"....Just sign for it so I can leave," I deadpanned in my novelty voice, which is a paradox in itself.
She started giggling like a maniac, "You sound funny, how do you do that, oh oh can you do other voices?"
I've never been so confused in my life. She was still leaning into the table. I took a step back accidentally hitting the break on the hand truck, "Oh fuck!" She accidentally pushed it forwards and down the road, stopping after knocking the table off and onto its side, Pinkie just laying on the ground splayed with her mouth hanging open in an o, "......I'm so genuinely perturbed...." I hissed biting back my anger.
"I'm soooo sorry!" She righted herself and followed me as I made my way to the now sideways table, "Is it ok? Ohhhh I'm so sorry!"
"Pinkie?" A masculine voice cut her off, "What happened," An orange stallion ran forward to the scene.
"I...I-"
"....It's broken...." A quick push of one of the legs snapped it off, "Solid oak....."
"Oh no..." The stallion groaned, "I'll pay for everything," I looked around, the orange stallion looked bummed, not heartbroken but bummed, while the pink one looked like she was on the verge of crying.
"...It's fine, I'll fix it....you got give bits?" He cocked his head, "To buy a new leg," He mouthed an oh and reached into a pocket on his apron, "I'll bring it by tomorrow," I kicked the rest of the broken table onto the hand truck.
"Mr.Tacks, what happened?" Apple Bloom yelled running over.
"Nothing.....here," I handed her the five bits the stallion gave me, "Go and buy something sweet then head home..." She gave a quizzical but appreciative look before walking back into the shop.
I started pulling the hand truck along back to my house, "I'm soooo sorry," The voice of the pink mare sounded behind me.
"It's fine....."
"I'm REEEALY sorry, you're not mad are you?"
"No...." She kept following me, "I said it was fine,"
"It doesn't sound fine....." I stopped and turned, the pink mare hung her head to the floor.
"Just....don't worry about it, go back to the shop," She stayed this time.
"I- I'll make it up to you! I promise!" Sure....break another table maybe....I needed to go and get back to work.