Equestria: A History Revealed

by Hoofry_Poneigher

First published 24th of August, 2013

Loose Change is arrogant, conspiracy-obsessed, and most likely just all-out insane. And with the help of that homeless pony who lives in a box behind the donut shop, her essay will reveal the truth behind the entire history of Equestria.

The truth is revealed! From award* winning writer of such academic essays as “Soylent Green is Ponies” and “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy”, third year University of Canterlot student, Loose Change, has finished her magnum opus, uncovering the secrets of Equestrian history, spanning from the Pre-Equestrian Age to the rise of Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Famously noted for causing her professor to laugh so hard he broke a wing while marking it, this revisionist abuse of history reveals the true lies and untold lie-truths behind the reign of Celestia, and Equestria as a whole.

Chapter 1: Abstract

From the very beginning, all of what traditional Equestrian history had told us was filled with lies and deceit. Every inch of history, every word that scholars had analyzed to death; it was all to propagate a twisted lie. With the help of secret sources and Larry who lives in a box behind the donut shop, I have pieced together a history that no pony had dared to even think of. The ramifications of its release could be catastrophic to the regime. But I stand true to the idea that as scholars, we strive to approach the truth. And so it must be done.

Despite the tremendous help from Crazy Larry, this essay mainly utilizes forgotten sources from the Crystal Empire, whose libraries and volumes of academic work remained unscathed by Celestia’s alterations of history for a millennium. Of course, once the Crystal Empire reappeared, with its rapid re-assimilation into Equestria through its puppet ruler, Princess Cadence, the contents of its grand libraries were purged by the Equestrian Royal Guard within a week. In fact, it just so happened that the Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor himself, also “happened” to be the husband to that ruler, therefore allowing him to move his agents effortlessly into the kingdom to destroy her state secrets. Luckily, I was able to enter the Empire unmolested, and take dedicated notes to document Celestia’s secrets. So don’t bother checking the Crystal Empire libraries because my sources aren’t there anymore. But they were totally real. Believe me. I’ve got those citation doohickeys and a bibliography at the end of this essay to prove it, so you know it must be legit.

There is a lot of ground to cover, from the secrets behind the establishment of a theocratic state, to the very nature of Celestia and Luna’s existence. The full extent of their lies can be seen as far up into the Pre-Equestrian Age, truly spanning across history.

Author's Notes:

I strongly suggest to follow along with the bibliography while reading! It'll make the whole thing much more entertaining.

Chapter 2: The Great Play – The Drawing of Curtains

The history of the founding of Equestria is said to have taken place before the wide-spread use of the written word, and therefore was mainly passed down through spoken legends, much like how those filthy pie-eating buffalo communicated their early history with each other.[1] However, us hygienic equines differed in that we eventually discovered how history could be used as a tool in our favor. It was the Celestia administration that quickly took advantage of the lack of true academic standing revolving around our early history, and created a national play to be held annually on the holiday of Hearth’s Warming Eve, which was said to be the date of which Equestria was formed. Of course, the real date of the founding of Equestria is still largely uncertain; there is no true evidence supporting the validity of the date except for the facts presented by scholars, which is generally accepted as fact by most other scholars. The date itself was most likely chosen to coincide with the Winter Solstice and to create a celebratory holiday for the occasion. While it is true that records that have recorded the exact date of when Equestria was founded exist, it must be understood that such a date could have easily been fabricated by the Celestia administration as well. Is it not a coincidence that Equestria happened to be founded on the date celebrating the founding of Equestria? It seems a little too convenient for this scholar, which is why this issue must be addressed.

While the play is presented as the official government’s account of the founding of Equestria, the play itself is rife with historical errors, once cross-examined with what little written records have survived across history. Nonetheless, it is my theory that Celestia has hidden these delicious nuggets of history within her performance of lies; possibly to relieve her hidden guilt and reveal the truth to us ponies (who were smart enough to read between the lines). If this retelling of the founding of Equestria is reviewed in a symbolic light such as this, one can appreciate it on a much greater level.

As any school filly can tell you, preceding the founding of Equestria, ponies were fiercely divided among themselves by race.[2] According to the words of the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, it was the inherently flawed system of pre-Equestrian life and the intervention of some naughty windigos that prompted the discovery of Equestria. But once this claim is reviewed by an expert eye such as myself, the truth that is revealed may shock you in a similar manner to my reaction when my doctor revealed my affliction with stage two syphilis. Regrettably, in my professional experience, neither of these revelations have helped me pick up any stallions as of yet.

In one of the play’s comedic moments, it is made clear that the establishment of the three nations; Unicornia, Pegasopolis, and Earth, was little more than a one-off gag. However, the existence of these nations is not only not-false, it is true. In fact, I would be so daring to make the claim that ponies had already settled on Equestria before its "discovery", and only later did the three nations unify to form Equestria. This can be proven once analyzed with the following source.

It was Clover the Clever who had wrote in her biography,

“The establishment of Unicornia and the other nations led to difficult international relations. The nations would quarrel over things such as borders and obtrusive rocks. Due to this and the hubris of my superior, many a skirmish occurred in that dark cave. It was through this escalation of tensions that I realized the continuation of such a foreign policy would not be self-sustainable…”[3]

Most historians agree that the aforementioned cave coincides with the cave seen in the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant. But I am not one of those historians who rely on such faulty facts or logic. I rely on cold hard conjecture. What if the cave is actually a hidden metaphor, twisted in an allegory, and hidden in another metaphor? It would not be unreasonable to identify this as a literary allusion, tied to the work of famed philosopher Ponyto's (not to be confused with Ponyta, the fiery temptress of fire), "The Cave". In this literary work, the cave represents ignorance, and the ponies in the darkness of the cave have their reality blinded by the constraints of what they have learned to perceive as the truth. Remind you of anything? This is Equestrian society in a nutshell!

Clover's use of the word "dark", instead of a different adjective strengthens this connection even further. After all, the cave from “The Cave” was also described to be dark, and had darkness and shadows dominate its main themes. While the word "dark" in this case was meant to act as a descriptive word alone, her vocabulary was not limited to such a simple definition. For example, the words "blackish" and "notwhite" (which I might add are very uncommonly used if not imaginary words all-together), could have been used instead to showcase her academic prowess. But the use of the word "dark" is intriguing, and provokes further study.

Perhaps the whole passage is simply a metaphor? The scene of the play in question, with the six ponies in the cave could have simply been a compression of history by Celestia's administration. But it is up to me to stretch it out like an old accordion, no matter how rusty and out of tune it may be. When the three nations were drawing up lines in the sand, perhaps this was added to represent the actual drawing of borders. Looking at a map of present-day Equestria,[4] the remnants of these nations' borders can still be identified.

Pegasopolis had become Western Equestria, as it possessed the openest skies and the ghastliest of gorges, while Eastern Equestria used to be Earth, with its fertile lands and wide plains. Through process of elimination, we can assume the nation of Unicornia laid directly in the middle, with a few mountainous regions, without a clear advantageous position. This claim is further backed up by a recent population census, in which Canterlot, which would have been part of Unicornia, possessed more unicorns than any of the other races, while Cloudsdale which lied in the west, possessed more pegasi.[5] While in the case of Cloudsdale, one might attribute this to the fact that the city was built upon clouds, but they would be wrong and they should feel bad.

With Clover the Clever's mention of "escalation of tensions" in the passage, and the frequent invasions of territory that occurred in the play (most likely symbolizing full scale assaults in real life), it would not be difficult to assume that a war would likely erupt. In the event of a war between all three states, it would be increasingly likely that Unicornia would be forced to fight a two-front war with its enemies, a war it could not hope to win. This would explain Clover's realization of the unsustainability of Unicornia's foreign policy. Especially with the threat of a fully militarized Pegasopolis (demonstrated in the play through their militaristic talk and their wearing of armor), the threat of a "hot war" would be devastating to the unicorns.

It is on that note in which I must take pause and address another issue with the play. Concerning windigos, it is known that they rarely (if ever) venture out from the Arctic north in search for food,[6] immediately destroying their primary role in the play. But if it was not due to the presence of windigos, what drove the ponies to ruin? It is my theory that the windigos really represent a literal “Cold War” between the ponies, which would support Clover's statement regarding tensions, and the likelihood of a war. The windigos simply were a symbolic gesture to compress what may have been a century spanning cold war, which, due to each nation's reliance on the principles of segregation, would perpetuate racial conflicts between the three species, much like what the windigos fed upon in the literal "cave".

What of the rocks seen in both the play and in the words of Clover? In a realistic sense, nations fighting over rocks would seem rather foolish. The coinciding nature of such a thing would surely be a flaw to my argument. And you would be right. So let's cross that out.

If you insist on an explanation, Clover may have been using the rocks as a metaphor as well. It would not be impossible to justify; we just said her whole passage was a metaphor didn't we? The rocks could represent obstacles in achieving a healthy and nutritious balanced breakfast,[7] such as arguments over the ownership of territory or social disputes.

So now we have successfully deconstructed the lies of history and reconstructed the truth from its remnants into a demented one-legged stool. "But wait", you may ask, "Clover the Clever's "Birth of a Nation" was written in 351, while Ponyto's "The Republic" was written nearly 200 years later during Equestria's Classical Era. How could Clover the Clever make an allusion to such a work before it even existed?" For an explanation to this inconsistency, please see the two points below.

A) Because shut up.

2) She's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit.

Chapter 3: The Birth of a Republic – The Equestrian Spring

According to the play, Equestria was created through the growing friendship of Clover, Pansy, and Smart Cookie, which melted their respective leaders and drove off the windigos. But I find such a conclusion to be far too sappy and supporting of the pro-friendship agenda, another mark of Celestia's interference in history. Besides, friendship never had a major effect on future Equestrian history, so why would it here? Instead, I believe that the birth of Equestria must have come forth through much more boring and bureaucratic means, by a gradual détente, or thaw, in tensions. Territories were probably agreed upon, borders possibly secured and recognized, and the immediate demilitarization of all nations may have happened, which would lead to the leaders to most likely say, "Hey, let's just fuck unify already".[8] Don't ask me where the evidence to support this claim is. I really don't know. What, do you expect me to be some kind of freaking encyclopedia? I'm getting drunker and drunker off this moonshine whisky Larry generously shared with me and I ain't in the mood to be bothered with proof. And I'm incredibly lonely.

"Hey stallions, if you want a good time, come meet me in the mare's bathroom at the Canterlot library."

-Me

"Despite the defusing of political tensions, social and racial tensions still ran rampant among the three species. While the creation of Equestria was made to reflect on this problem, to create a national pony identity under a single nation and eventually pave the way for the end of these racial tensions through joint cooperation, some early critics labeled the idea as an 'idea fuelled by reckless idealism'. Nonetheless, it was this idealism that begun the Pre-Classical Era and defined its initial transitory period, known commonly to historians as the 'Equestrian Spring'."[9]

When discussing the government formed as a result from the birth of Equestria, known academically as the "Equinus Republic", there are many factors that one must take into account. Created through the political and moral ideals of its leaders, Clover, Pansy, and Smart Cookie, the formation of the first and only Equestrian republic was birthed from the fertile loins of early democracy. Choosing their capital to be in Trottingham, a rapidly growing town to the East which shared heavy influences of both unicorn and earth pony culture, such a gesture was made to promote their message of the cultivation of unity among ponies.

The establishment of a government with equal representation among the three races was an idea that is foreign even to this day. While the government can be said to have good intentions, it is commonly remembered for beginning and ending the Pre-Classical Era with its rise and fall, and more significantly, for its inability to stop Discord's rise to power. However, as I have said before and will continue to say multiple times throughout this essay, isn't this a little too convenient? In order to prevent the rise of a republic from succeeding over the corrupt Equestrian monarchy, would it not be favorable to the current regime to embellish the history of the previous government? By over-emphasizing the Republic's flaws, it would allow Celestia's government to seem far more competent and prevent future clamor for democratic reforms. While traditionalist history also condemns the failures of the Republic, may I remind you that they were probably all paid off by the Celestia administration? It is only I and I alone who is brave enough to present the truth.

Traditionalist historians agree that the renewed sense of idealism along with the novelty of such a republic played important roles in ensuring the regime’s survival. This period brought an overall spirit of optimism, political liberalization, and new freedoms to the pegasi and unicorn population, with its military junta[10] and absolute monarchy respectfully. Of course, us earth ponies didn't require such a change; we were already ahead of the times (until we were forced into submission by Celestia years later). It was the earth pony's primitive system of democratization that was used as a basis for such a distinguished republic, clearly demonstrating that unlike what scientific studies have shown, earth ponies truly are the smartest, well-loved, and all-around superior race. EARTH PONIES! EARTH PONIES!

Anyways, while the floundering republic still relied on the balance between ponies to regulate the weather, sun and moon, and agriculture, it was because of the equal representation that each race shared in the government that Equestria enjoyed a period of early stability. This, along with the balanced, collective leadership of Clover, Pansy and Smart Cookie, or as I like to call them, “The Three Caballeros”,[11] truly spurred in this new age of satisfaction and fulfillment. But while the ponies were content with the political situation, class and racial differences among ponies still ran high and served to act as the central failure of the new system. While all ponies were united under the new nation, if you would excuse the upcoming metaphor, it was foolish of the Caballeros to assume that a well-stocked supply of tortilla chips would eliminate the long-lasting racial tensions that shaped pony society for generations.

Regardless, the republic was able to accomplish great things as well during the Equestrian Spring. The joint representation in the government persisted with joint representation in pony parliament, another first for Equestria. The government also managed to ensure the defusing of a racially infused Hot Topic ©BUYMLPT-SHIRTSTODAY!®™[12] regarding a unicorn-earth pony fear over the continued existence of the pegasi military force. It was due to the political manoeuvrings of Private Pansy that the rapid demilitarization of the pegasi territories was ensured, fully demilitarizing as early as 353. Scholars have attributed this to her non-violent attitude and passive nature, allowing Pansy to help quell a majority of fear from the unicorn and earth pony populations.

Lasting from the year 351 to 377, the Spring also marked a beginning of scientific improvements and discoveries, whose potential would be fully realized in the Classical Era. Technological advancements in agriculture, such as the use of other domestic animals for slave labor, and the discovery of the usefulness of rotting feces provided a much needed improvement, bringing economic stability to the newborn nation as well. Also, thanks to the efforts of the legendary legend, the legendarily obscure higher-level unicorn, Starswirl the Bearded, several significant revolutions in the understanding of magic and its effect on the natural world were discovered. Starswirl had mastered and created several high level magic spells, such as the amniomorphic spell, which either had to do with lambs or haired pottery,[13] and revolutionized the theory of time travel, which led to the creation of several time spells. One of his most significant creations was the age spell, which required an extremely high magical power in order to accomplish, but I will cover that in greater detail later.

Chapter 4: Starswirl the Bearded - A Place in History

Let’s dedicate this next chapter to Starswirl, and the ongoing paradox regarding his place in history.

An issue that was not mentioned beforehand comes into play when discussing Starswirl and his place in time. The national Hearth’s Warming Eve play raises further questions when it comes to the issue of Starswirl the Bearded, stating that he was alive in the Pre-Equestrian Era and that he mentored Clover the Clever. A paradox is created when one considers that he is best known (the word “best” being used loosely, he was rather obscure after all) as a magical scholar who rose to academic and political infamy during this pre-Classical era, over a century later. With both these contradictions in mind, it would be difficult to simultaneously place him in two time periods at once.

Mainstream historians still argue to this day over Starswirl’s exact place in history. It is generally assumed in response to this he lived in both time periods; as a higher level unicorn who knew Princess Celestia and Luna on a personal basis, high feats of magic could have been used to artificially extend his life into the Pre-Classical Era, possibly using the age spells that I had previously mentioned. Of course, this hypothesis holds little evidence, and only the Princesses themselves know the truth, and have yet to fully divulge it. Of course, I’m not the type of scholar to flow with the mainstream. I’m like a salmon, swimming against the current and creating my own solutions before it was cool.

Some of you may postulate that Starswirl may have actually been born in the Pre-Classical Era, and that he can be connected to the Pre-Equestrian Era through time travel. After all, as the sole creator of some of the best-functioning time spells, he could have travelled back in time to teach Clover (probably some quick lecture about windigos, given that the time spell only lasted for a minute), and then returned to his own time. As a magical scholar, he may have had reason to do so in order to help him in his studies regarding the prediction of the future, which he was researching arduously towards the end of the Pre-Classical Era.[14] For as they say,

“But to understand the future, we have to go back in time.”[15]

But this is impossible because according to the “Laws of the Governance of Time”, the principia that Starswirl himself wrote; you must be in the present to travel back to the past. However, Starswirl wasn’t in the present, or he’d be alive today, because we’re in the present! He was in the past, and you can’t travel back to the past when you’re in the past, duh! So this hypothesis is debunked.

Or perhaps it was all a lie propagated by Celestia to create the illusion that Starswirl was alive during the Pre-Equestrian Era, because by stating to personally know Starswirl, it would maintain the façade that both her and her sister were really there before the founding of Equestria. But what self-respecting mare would ever lie about their age to make them seem older? Even if it had to do with maintaining a lie of national importance, such a thing is absolutely ridiculous. Debunked.

The answer is both all of these things and none of these things. Starswirl had a biological son, who was also named Starswirl, and lived until the Pre-Classical Era, and also happened to have a beard. gg.

My evidence is that while his autobiography stated otherwise,

“I am infertile.”[16]
–Starswirl the Bearded

My claim can still hold water. While he was researching his time spell, in the past I might remind you, he could have traveled back into the past (but he was in the past as I reminded you), therefore allowing two of him to exist at the same time. In order to avoid confusion, he adopted the time clone as his son and named him, “Starswirl the Bearded”. Of course, the time clone would age much slower because of de magicks, so this Starswirl the Bearded, (who we shall name Starswirl the Bearded, to avoid further confusion) was able to rise to obscurity in the Pre-Classical Era and live up to the early Classical era a century later. It makes perfect sense. Don’t bother looking for any inconsistencies or contradictions because they don’t exist. Seriously.

Of course, there are some Starswirl enthusiasts who state that Starswirl was really Discord the whole time, which would explain his immortality. Ignoring all of the paradoxical inconsistencies that would be birthed from that claim alone, such an assumption would throw my reasoning behind Discord’s origins out of whack. So for destroying my head-canon, I’m not even going to dignify this claim with a response.

Anyways, we’ll return to Starswirl once he becomes relevant again in later chapters. But I assure you, this detour was totally necessary to the point I was trying to make. Probably.

Chapter 5: The Curtain Falls - The Decline

Eventually, with the passing of the Three Reformers Caballeros, the Equestrian Spring was brought to an end, with the abolishment of the collective leadership structure. Instead, all of the power was placed into the parliament, which could never reach the high standard that the Caballeros set. As such, the political situation deteriorated immensely. According to traditionalist scholars, once the republic lost their most prominent leaders, the entire nation began to be uncertain in where the true leadership in the government lied, intensifying division, and allowing a “revolving door” situation to unfold, in which leaders were replaced as easily as one would change a t-shirt (which, for an earth pony, is actually quite difficult, but that’s not the point these historians are trying to make). “The members of the Equestrian parliament plotted against each other in order to consolidate their own rise to prominence, causing the national body of the government to flounder in its leadership, ignoring many vital issues in favor for their petty grabs for power.”[17] This sparked an increase of detractors to the Republic, who started making many public statements critiquing the new state of affairs.

“The progress made by [the Caballeros] has been reverted, its potential squandered. If ponies in parliament can agree on one thing, it is how they can quicken the fall of the once proud Equestrian nation.”[18]

But of course, as always, the traditionalist scholars were wrong, stupid, and probably smelt of elderberries. Actually, they probably weren’t wrong in a traditional sense, but rather that they exaggerated the corruption of the republic to advance their pro-Celestia monarchy agendas. The state of the republic could not have been as bad as they said it was, as they managed to pass many new and great laws and the parliament continued to be productive. For example, modern critics of the republic cite the government’s inability to agree on the simple creation of a paved road, which took weeks of intense discussion before the idea was scrapped altogether,[19] but these critics tend to forget how quickly the parliament managed to pass Article 48; the abolishment of penalties for homicidal evisceration, which only provoked one hour of debate.[20] Smart scholars: 0; me: 1.

Most pony historians state that the Equinus Republic could no longer agree on anything substantial, and cited this to be their greatest weakness in the eyes of the public, as well as in the eyes of history. However, as I had just proven, they not only could agree on select points, but they were able to unanimously agree on issues of national importance. Not regarding the dwindling rate of food supplies. Not regarding the increase in aggressive monster attacks across the nation. But regarding the banishment of all the critics of the Republic to the “Pit of Monsters”, Tartarus.[21]

While this remains a strong point of contention in which most ponies agree spelt the downfall of the republic, I believe that this issue was far more important than national starvation or an increased rate of monster raids. After all, if these critics were allowed to fester, then that would hurt national pride. And then what would become of the Ancient Equestrian Games? After all, the government had already spent a vast amount of the national budget on such an event, and if the government was unable to make this money back through an increase in spending, they might as well have used it to do something stupid, like pouring the money into agriculture.

In fact, some revisionist historians (or should I say, historians who have the gall to call themselves revisionist historians) state that if it was not for the intervention of Discord, the nation would have collapsed on its own anyways, in a violent country-spanning revolution.[22] But as I have proven multiple times in this chapter, this very idea was stupid. The strength and national might of the Republic could be seen in its underpaid and underfed volunteer army, who would never have allowed such a revolution to even begin to take shape.

Some have even criticized the Republic for allowing the national army to weaken to the extent that it did, which many attribute to allowing Discord to quickly rise to power, but to them I say, did you even read my last sentence? I was clearly stating that the army was still truly a force to be reckoned with, at 237 ponies strong.[23] Clearly, Celestia-biased sources had embellished the facts, going even as far to say that such an army was “too small” and would be “unable to defend Equestria in the face of danger”.[24] Well, I’ll have you know that I couldn’t fit 237 ponies in my studio apartment, and I’d like to remind you that my studio apartment is quite large.

And regarding the national negativity of the Equestrian population, they probably weren’t angered at the Republic’s supposed “inability to get anything done”, but rather in the fact that their families were being eaten alive by rampaging manticores. But what could the Republic honestly do about that? They weren’t responsible for what some manticores do in their free time (probably just letting off some steam from all that other eating alive of ponies).

Also, the so-called “Pit of Monsters” where the political prisoners of the nation were banished to probably wasn’t even that bad either. It was probably just a cute little nickname that tourists give to places they travel to, such as “Canterlot: The City of Snobs”, “Ponyville: The Disaster Town” and “OhmyCelestiaohmyCelestia, you’ll be devoured by hydras here, Froggy Bottom Bog”.

It was the harsh superfluities in history such as this, in which the pro-monarchy scholars were able to condemn the Republic for weaknesses that it never even had, in order to maintain Celestia’s foul agenda.

Chapter 6: The First Draconequus – The Origins of Discord

When discussing the Discordian Era, a mistake that many traditionalist historians make is how they overstate the chaos that Discord himself had wruck upon the ponies. While it is true that he was a god of chaos, as usual, these scholars have a tendency to overexaggerate many of these “elements of Discord”. While many factual accounts have confirmed his power during his second coming in the year 2011, the public understanding of that event is already inherently flawed (as I will explain once I discuss it in a later chapter), and therefore is not admissible as evidence for the actions of Discord in this time period. I will not, however, take the stance of other revisionist historians, who downplay Discord’s importance in bringing an end to the era in favor of the Republic’s weaknesses, as I had stated before. Rather, I will take a middle ground by stating that while Discord was indeed a primary factor in the fall of the Equinus Republic, he caused its downfall in an extremely unorthodox way; far different than one is commonly accepted in history.

Before discussing the actions of Discord, we must go into his origins; a past that is still not commonly understood and debated to this date. Even after rehabilitation by one of the supposed element holders and former sex-symbol, Fluttershy, in 2013, his past was never expanded upon or revealed, and his sudden appearance in history remains a mystery. No pony truly knew where came from except for Discord himself, and like many other significant figures in history, is still left unknown. Until now of course.

Before the creation of this crowning stroke of genius, my masterfully written jewel in the eye of history, pony historians were left grasping at straws to find the truth behind Discord’s origins. Lucky Foot, self-proclaimed historian specializing in the Discord Era, pretentiously wrote,

“Ignoring his raw magical ability, [Discord’s] very appearance did not conform to the laws of the natural world. The very nature of Discord and his power could not be explained through traditional thought alone, and it seemed that not only did his appearance seem to object to the order of nature, but reality itself twisted to his magical beck and call. In this sense, perhaps it would be wrong to try to discern Discord’s origins through logic as well.”[25]

This, of course, did not stop me, nor a significant majority of scholars, from continuing to speculate Discord’s past. Some had theorized that Discord may have been a product of a forbidden relationship between a dragon and a higher level unicorn, creating a result that was so far removed from the natural world that it had descended into chaos. If this was the case, it certainly would explain his raw magical ability; however, no relationship of this sort had ever been recorded or referenced in history. Also, I’d like to add that in my personal experience, future attempts at coaxing dragons into cross-species mating usually procured a poor end result. Therefore, due to a lack of conclusive evidence, such a claim is forced to remain as little more than an assumption.

So how did Discord really come to existence? How was the first and only documented draconequus created? A problem with the dragon-pony hypothesis is that it is does not explain the mismatch of animal appendages that Discord possesses. In light of this, I will present the one and only reasonable possibility.

Ponies have long since debated on the unnatural nature of Discord, stating that such a creature was “out of this world”. My theory takes this idea to the extreme. Perhaps Discord truly was a creature not of this planet. But do not assume that I am stating that Discord himself was an alien; that would be absurd. Rather, the point that I’m trying to make is that he was a product created by illegal aliens. And I’m not talking about those freeloading griffons who I get to clean my apartment every Saturday; I’m referring to real life extraterrestrials. It would explain everything. For example, his remarkable powers that could neither be explained through rhyme or reason can be handwaved off as the work of aliens.

He may have even been an experiment in some alien inter-species gene splicing project, which would explain his unique body structure. But the possibility that I find most likely, was that he was the end result of a horrific alien space orgy. And I mean just all out nastiness. After all, aliens are known for their uncontrollable libidos (at least in my mind). By kidnapping members of other species across our planet, they would be able to test things such as carnal prowess, vitality, girth, as well as answering the age old question of “how much a wood a woodchuck really could chuck”. And the horrific space love child birthed out of whatever mess those creatures call genitals? Discord.

Now that age-old historical dilemma is out of the way, we can get into the real meat of the conspiracy. Yes, it may surprise you, but alien space orgies are not the biggest conspiracy behind the rise of Discord. The real conspiracy reveals itself when discussing how exactly the proud Equinus Republic had fell.

Chapter 7: The Board is Set - The End of the Pre-Classical Era

General consensus is that Discord may have orchestrated the rise in frequency of monster attacks, while playing subtle, yet disorderly pranks on small cities. The important trait to this plan would be in its unpredictability. Local animals acting in weird ways, the optional nature of gravity; these were all practical jokes that Discord played to increase a fearful and unnerving feeling among the population. This feeling of powerlessness would of course need an outlet, and the government was an easy target. Eventually, national order was weakened and Discord himself was able to shatter the tenants of Equestrian society.

Shockingly, this seems to be one of the only points that these idiot scholars had gotten correct, as it ties in with past accounts and governmental records. Nonetheless, this portion of history may only be accurate because there was probably no gain that Celestia could make by fabricating it. It is in this next statement in which I find the flaws in logic.

“His slow, but steady chaos soon reaching the capital of Trottingham, Discord accentuated the problems of the inner government by turning its members apart. Titled by modern scholars as the “Disorder of a Hundred Days”, Discord visited the members of the government secretly as a voice that could be heard only by his target. As such, Discord was able to use his skills in manipulation to turn every member of the government, all one hundred and fifty ponies, against each other. Within a span of little more than 3 months, he had deteriorated the relationship of the already agitated ponies into one of violence and chaos. In the last days of the regime, the structure that the [Three Caballeros] had worked so hard to establish was unrecognizable; the government building that was created to ensure cooperation had gained a reputation that went against everything it had strived to achieve. From that point on, Discord was able to rise to power unchallenged.”[26]

The flaw in this testimony reveals itself with my cross-examination. TAKE THAT!© I had searched multiple records in the Crystal Library for accounts and anecdotal evidence regarding this “Hundred-Day Disorder”, but this name is never referenced once. While brief mentions of a possible manipulation occurred in ancient records, “Thy Discord verily accelerated the seduction of the government into chaos”,[27] the title of the event was never specified. Also, are we expected to believe that Discord could manipulate so many ponies in so little time? Assuming that Discord had a consistent rate of corrupting ponies a day, according to my mathematical deduction skills,

This means Discord corrupted 1.5 ponies every day. Of course, this is impossible; corrupting 0.5 of a pony is simply impossible, because ponies are whole and one must see them as whole numbers. Mathematically speaking, there is already a flaw in this argument. Unless Discord corrupted multiple ponies a day, which let’s face it, was probably impossible for anypony, even a so-called “master of manipulation”, to do. It is almost inconceivable how this self-proclaimed Discord-specialist and the historical scholars that agreed with him missed such a basic mathematic error. But I suppose this just serves as a testament to their stupidity.

Due to this lack of evidence and incredulous flaws in logic regarding the validity of the Hundred Days, Foot’s claim can be identified as inconclusive, if not rejected outright. Besides, Celestia would definitely have a hand to play when discussing the specifics of the government’s fall, as by changing the details here, would allow her to make Discord seem like more of a threat (to consolidate her power when she and her sister defeated her), and place more emphasis on the weaknesses of her predecessors (as I stated, to provide the carte blanche for the regime to eliminate organizations that were both problematic and a threat to her rule). Therefore, the inaccuracy of Foot’s claim could be possibly attributed to Celestia’s interference.

So how did the government fall?

I assume you all know the legend behind the origins of Hearts and Hooves Day? If I may interject with a personal anecdote, my familiarity with this tale stems from when my mother wasn’t drunk enough to read from the cookbook again, and would instead tell me bedtime stories of fables and legends from long ago. As we all know, the legend goes that the holiday got its start due to a prince mixing up a love potion. Following some hilarious hijinks that would be sure to fill 70 minutes of a B-movie rom-com, the couple caused the downfall of their entire regime. To quote selections from the legend itself,

“Thanks to the love poison, they were lost in each other’s eyes; their royal duties overlooked. It would have been romantic if it wasn’t so date-rapey. Suddenly, a pony-eating dragon unexpectedly descended upon high and roasted them alive with his furious breath of hellfire. Then he burned all of the other ponies alive too. You would assume he might have eaten them after that, but to think that would be racist. Not all pony-eating dragons eat ponies you know. And besides, there’s no point in eating charcoal. The fall of the kingdom soon came shortly after, and was succeeded by a reign of chaos. And that’s how Hearts and Hooves Day came to be.”[29]

What we should take from this fable is not to not trust dragons, or not to make love potions (whose exact recipe is coincidentally printed on the next page), but this tale’s place in the façade we call history. This so-called story actually has no basis in history if one was to look at it objectively. In reality, rulers called Prince Finecheeks and Princess Honeybuns never were real ponies. But if the passage is approached as a metaphor, things become far clearer. That’s right, we’re returning to educated speculation and scholarly analysis again. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

Obviously this legend is not meant to be taken seriously, but rather that it acts as a placeholder for an event purposefully lost to history. I believe that you see where I’m getting at already. Such a tangent in this chapter would be superfluous without a point.

Yes, it’s true; lately I have been attracted to Crazy Larry. The way he rummages through the garbage, with his greasy clumps of mane blowing with the wind; there are no words. Except for the ones I just used to describe him. But that’s beside the point. My real point is that the Hearts and Hooves legend is a metaphor wrapped in symbolism for the end of the Pre-Classical Era.

Draconequuses (draconeqi?) were not well documented during 388, probably because they were not yet recognized by the early scientific community. The lack of such vital information about dragons and draconequusesi¿ would have led to a great deal of confusion, and would explain a possible misinterpretation of Discord’s true being. But perhaps the greatest evidence to the existence of this misunderstanding is my discovery of some late Pre-Classical governmental reports regarding the threat and nature of Discord, which identified him as a dragon.[citation needed] The above passage’s use of the words “descended upon high” is also clear evidence regarding the mystery of his origins, as if he was a being who literally came from the sky. Or perhaps from space. See how it’s all tying together?

The description of the traditional fire breath of the dragon can also be called into question, namely with the use of the word “hellfire”. Was it added in for artistic flair? Or was it added in by Celestia to strengthen this hidden historical metaphor to once again hide the truth in plain sight to those who are smart enough to catch it? In my knowledgeable expert professional opinion, there is a high probability and likelihood favoring the latter. After all, she did do the same thing to the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, which means she would have easily done it again for another national holiday just to spite us the ignorant. And if she did it for the Hearts and Hooves day legend, then that means she would have definitely done it for the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, for the backstory behind the creation of Equestria was far more important than a glorified National Singles Awareness Day. And with that, we have now reached a new shape of thought, one without a point. So let’s make a 360 degree turn back to my original purpose of this paragraph.

The choice in vocabulary here mirrors Clover’s use of the word “dark” in Chapter 2. But while that was simply a keyword to alert one’s attention to an active literary allusion, the use of the word “hellfire” here represents far deeper symbolism. Obviously, the first part of the word represents despair and suffering, as the pronoun “he” represents the fall of the first stallion as told by the Book of Faust (which will be covered in further detail later, or at least receive a passing mention if I still remember) and how his original sin, bringing fire and spreading knowledge to the world by burning down Faust’s Tree of Knowledge, caused the continent and future country of Equestria to be cursed to house despicable creatures. I am of course certain that the legend refers to the bison, griffons, and cows as the horrid beasts that populate our pure soil. And monsters too I suppose.

The use of the letter “L” in such concurrent succession also implies a greater emphasis be placed on the word. The l’s stand tall, as if they were a beacon of light to us all. Perhaps they symbolize that the only hope for Equestria now is to pursue an anti-immigration policy, to build a wall around Equestria to keep all those filthy bison and other riff-raff away from our cities and towns. But that’s a different project I’ve been pursuing. Finally, the use of the word fire should be obvious. It represents fucking fire. One might overanalyze its usage here and state that the word choice here is a representative symbol for how easily Discord’s wrath spread across the land and how quickly the situation escalated to such a degree. But in that case, the use of the words “herpes” or “gonorrhea” would have worked just as well, and would have kept in line with the whole burning theme it had going on there.

Putting the word back together, the use of this adjective was to draw attention (the double l’s) to the sinful (the “he”) flames (“fire”) of the dragon. Therefore, in just three paragraphs, I have come to the conclusion that the choice of the descriptive word “hellfire” was meant to describe an evil fire.

Leaving that aside for now, the major points connecting the legend to the rise of Discord are the “fall of the kingdom” and the “reigning of chaos”. Ignoring the use of the word “kingdom”, which was most likely to chosen by Celestia to avoid having to fill young fillies’ minds with the idea of democracy; with the fall of the Equinus Republic in 389, the rule of Discord officially began, and chaos did indeed rule supreme. It is at this moment in which such similar occurrences between the story and reality surpass the laws of coincidence, and it is through these significant parallels that one can accept this supposed legend as an authentic retelling of an event lost to the folds of history.

However, this leaves the final question to understanding the metaphor. What did the love potion represent? Could it have been how easily the ponies of the government were deceived by Discord, much like how the Princess was fooled by the Prince? Or even the degradation of true love and respect between the ponies? I would like to present a far more daring possibility. It represented...

A love potion.

You see, realistically, it would not make sense for Discord to corrupt one pony through his tricks alone a day (it would just to be too much work) and it would make even less sense for him to corrupt 1.5. But theoretically, he could corrupt them all at once through the use of a good deal of a highly concentrated love poison. Using his chaotic abilities, he could probably manufacture a large amount of love poison to taint the government’s water supply without a cinch. He wouldn’t even need to seduce the ponies at all; they would just do it to each other. And the ensuing madness that would result of the ponies getting caught up in their lust would surely ensure a quick and bloodless rise to power and the complete destruction of order and authority in the capital. Plus the novelty factor for him was probably enormous. So it seemed that after all, the great mysteries behind the factors that prompted the end of this era fell within the unexplored and unappreciated realm of orgy territory again.

So the government of the Equinus Republic didn’t fall within one hundred days. It probably fell within an hour. Or perhaps a few hours. It really depends on the stamina of those old geezers; the data of which, unfortunately, was never documented. While there is no concrete proof supporting my bold and daring claim, the corresponding nature of the Hearts and Hooves legend with history is evidence enough, and the use of a love poison would make far more sense for Discord than the supposed “Disorder of a Hundred Days”, at least logically and time-wise.

But why would Celestia choose to hide the truth from us? Other than the fact that she’s been doing it for centuries now and probably just gets off to it, there are many factors behind this falsification of history.

1. It would have been a danger to the general populace.

With this point, I’m not referring to the danger that the truth would hold for the regime, but rather the moral and mental danger. I don’t believe I need to cover why the current government would not want a resurgence of the orgy craze after the events ten years ago, and besides, I believe that it’s the mental scarring that would be far more detrimental to a pony’s wellbeing. After all, what sick, twisted pony would want to have a mental image of 150 wrinkly old ponies doing it with each other? I mean, I would, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. And besides, for most normal ponies, bleach isn’t always able to wash away what can’t be unseen.

2. It would have been a danger to the government.

Now I’ll address the danger that the truth would hold for the regime. But still probably not in the way you’re thinking of. No, the real danger instead lies if one’s mind was to place a mental block on that image and replace those ancient ponies from Parliament with some younger, more attractive looking ponies. If ponies were to make the connection that democracy => sexy orgies, they would totally go for it, or at least pay bits for it. And with that, suddenly the idea of democracy becomes far more appealing (at least to the general populace), and ponies would clamor for an increase in democratic reforms again and demand the fall of the monarchy; the exact situation that Celestia fabricated history in the first place to avoid.

Getting back to my main point, with the government now falling into absolute chaos, the infrastructure, the system, and the structure of Equestria were all crippled. With this, the Pre-Classical Era and the Equinus Republic died here, not with a whimper, but with a bang. Several of them probably. And with its end, the glorious republic had been replaced with a tyrant. The Age of Discord had now begun.

Chapter 8: Overture of Chaos – The Age of Discord

“Well, this is as good as a time as any. It couldn’t be more apropos. The regime that you had once cherished has fallen. I’m not certain if cherished is the right word, but what does it matter, it’s all in the past now. I am here to proclaim the turning of the great wheels of history. Where Equestria had fallen, the great Discord stands upright and proud! I am merely a messenger, and I usher you into a new age of history! Gone is all sense of order or unity, let us have a toast, to welcome in this foul age of chaos!” [30]

After these infamous words, Discord wasted no time in spreading chaos across the land. Those who were not caught up with the news of the sudden coup became forcibly aware when the sky turned green and the clouds rained chocolate milk.[31] Houses became anthills, and sections of the land floated up in the air without thought or care. The pegasi who lived in the clouds were affected as well, as they were taught a harsh lesson on gravity.[32]

The question that remains is what motivated Discord to act in such a manner. Popular (a synonym for foolish) consensus agrees that Discord perhaps did not have evil intent, but rather he did such a thing for the sake of doing it. Lucky Foot concluded,

“What Discord truly desired was a world where order and chaos became both intertwined, yet as separate as oil and water. He was the type of creature who did things not to fulfill a certain agenda, but rather just to see if it could be done. And it was due to the nature of his very being that allowed him to accomplish this with a great amount of success. Despite being blessed with such a chaotic magical ability, Discord’s true strength lied in his personality, and more specifically, his ability to understand other ponies.

Not to understand them in terms of empathy, but to understand them in the way an athletic pony understands a ball. A true athlete would understand the ball completely, from the inside-out. They would know what exactly is needed to sustain it in the air, what actions must be taken to retain its movement, and how to move it in the right direction. However, no pony could ever state that the athlete considers the ball to be an equal. The ball is a tool for the athlete to represent their skill, and with Discord, the same idea exists. To use a more familiar analogy, he truly was a puppet master, bending ponies to his will. He was able to manipulate the ponies, play off of their flaws, and influence them however he pleased. This terrifying, yet unwavering skill of his allowed him to truly present himself as an unstoppable force…”[33]

But, as always, I hold a completely different opinion than those idiots. In fact, I believe that Discord did what he did in an effort to change the nation for the better. Not to say that the Equinus Republic was flawed, and not to say that I appreciate the extent that Discord went to in order to achieve such goals, but nopony could argue (meaning excluding everypony but me) that it was thanks to the intensity of Discord’s reign that he was able to help Equestria and do more good than that she-bitch Celestia could ever hope to accomplish.

For example, there were little recorded deaths or serious injuries as a result of his chaotic pranks, or in general, and the mortality rate of Equestria was marked at an all-time low. Of course, there were no reliable mortality records either, “their words had literally become mud”.[34] However, through careful analysis of various mud samples, I can fully endorse the legitimacy of this claim. Already Discord’s rule was closer to that of a utopia than Celestia’s.

He also stopped the uncontrollable and unapproved monster attacks on the ruined cities, replacing it with state-sanctioned monster attacks instead. This was a much needed improvement, as it alleviated much of the uncertain nature of these attacks with some consistent organization, so long as Discord felt like following a schedule. And the turnout for the Ancient Equestrian Games in Trottingham had never been higher, at least when it came to monster representation.

Under Discord, agricultural problems also were brought to a ceasing halt, probably because agriculture ceased to exist. Discord solved the starvation problem and the pegasi monopoly over weather control at once, by allowing it to rain chocolate milk and snow full-grown watermelons. Not only did such an instance of generosity show such genuine love for his newly suffering population (which, granted, was because of him), but it showed his shrewd wit and resourcefulness; qualities needed in a great leader. Celestia, take notes. Also, he tackled the economic problems of the nation by switching the national currency from bank notes to pure air. Under his regime, Equestria had literally never been richer. Of course, while this most likely led to mild inflation, such a thing would be expected from air.

Ignoring all of these great things that Discord had accomplished (confirmation bias at its finest), scholars take issue with his chaotic pranks and authoritarian rule. However, I believe that Discord only did such a thing to prepare Equestria for the greatest threat and tyrant it had ever known. It would be better for him to give ponies a taste of oppressive government before they really had to experience it. After all, the best way to learn is through experience right?

When it comes to the chaotic but unarguably hilarious pranks, such as the spontaneous combustions,[35] one could claim that he did this to ensure that he would become the most hated creature in existence. Maybe it was because he knew of his disgusting goat heritage (from the alien space orgy) that he was willing to “take the bullet” in history, to alleviate the burden he placed upon the world for housing such impure blood. In that case, Discord wasn’t a crazed, tyrannical extremist, but rather a well-intentioned moderate who only wished to do the right thing. Which is why he graciously continued to rule for a hundred more years.

But unfortunately, such a golden age would not last forever. It was thanks to their arrival that history changed for the worse. Emerging from nothingness not like stars in the shining sky, but rather like a demon unearthed from cursed grounds (or created by wearing a crown in a mirror world, but everypony and their mother would know that).

Celestia. And Luna too I suppose. With their rise to power, Equestria would never be the same.

Chapter 9: Mysteries of the Past – Celestia and Luna

Another issue with the play that was yet to be addressed was the significant absence of Celestia and Luna. It has always been traditionalist history's and the regime’s stance that Celestia and Luna were omnipotent, so the official explanation for their absence was that they "strayed away from the affairs of mortal ponies until the situation would absolutely demand it".[36] This would explain their rise to prominence during the reign of Discord, however, this scholar finds such an explanation to be too convenient.

The two sisters had never revealed their past, whether as gods or mortal ponies, and as such, it must be called into question. We can assume that they were not gods as they so claimed, because that would be fallacious. I won’t get into it now, but rest assured that their godhood will be debunked in a following chapter. Besides, there is only one true god, Lord Smooze. Therefore, they were not and never were omnipotent, and as such, must have been born during the Age of Discord.

So where did Celestia (and Luna) really come from?

Probably some slut’s vagina.

In actuality, it can be assumed that they were not birthed from royal blood, as the last semblances of the unicorn monarchy were wiped out with the formation of the Equinus Republic. Of course, like most unicorns, Princess Platinum may have just whored herself out for a cheap buck, but in that case, it would not make sense for Celestia and Luna to flaunt their royal blood when it had come from such an illegitimate coupling. In the face of such facts, it can be agreed upon that the “royal” sisters did not start out as princesses to begin with, but rather “earned” the right and title like Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight Sparkle did. It can also be assumed that they were born as higher level unicorns, as this would support my later revelation regarding the truth and reasons behind alicornification (to be covered in a later chapter).

So then what of their childhood?

Perhaps Celestia was just an orphan, as one of the few who lost her parents under Discord’s rule. Perhaps she was just a young filly who was hardened by the burdens of life and the responsibility of rearing her younger sister. She must have been forced to bear the weight of the world, for her own sake, and her sister’s sake as well. Perhaps it was due to this that she grew a determined fire in her eyes, one that rivaled only the sun in power. A twisted vision to change the world she was born into, a world of self-perceived suffering and pain, into a world where she and her sister could finally live in happiness. Or perhaps she just sat on her flank and ate cake off the trees all day. It’s all speculation at this point.

Anyways, whatever it was that drove Celestia and Luna in pursuit of power, they unwaveringly committed to such a crusade, with the sole aim of overthrowing Discord and changing Equestria. Whether it was for the better or worse is up to history to decide.

AKA me. And they really sucked. But I’m not going to cover that now. What will be covered next are the instruments that gave them such power. Whose accidental discovery marked a turning point in Equestrian history. The Elements of Harmony.

Chapter 10: The Elements of Harmony – A Role Spanning History

I shall first prelude this chapter with my description of how I had reached my conclusions regarding the elements. It will be a wild ride, full of mystery, lust, and intrigue, but one must follow my train of thought to comprehend the weight of the discoveries that I had made.

It started like how all great tales start.

So I was sitting at home eating some Doritos© when I had an encounter with fate. Perhaps it was the work of the universe, or maybe Celestia herself in her desire to divulge her delicious secrets in a bag that equaled, if not surpassed, its level of deliciousness. But there I sat stood at the face of truth, gazing into the eyes of secrets long forgotten. Reaching into the bag for what I thought would be an onslaught of delectable nacho goodness, I instead encountered it.

A Celestia-shaped Dorito chip. This experience surpassed coincidence and set me upon a path in which I would venture into the inferno of lies itself. What did it mean?

It must have been a clue. Some celestial being from upon high setting me onto a path of truth. There was no way this was a fluke. It must have been…destiny.

I searched my soul, hoping to find the answers I sought. Then I wracked my brain. Celestia. Doritos. There must have been a connection.

I took a temporary break from my studies at the University of Canterlot, making up an excuse to tell to my idiot professor about a false affliction with syphilis, which he accepted with wary disbelief. Joke’s on him; I did catch syphilis a few months later.

One week became two, two became three, and two plus three makes five.[37] But it was during dinner at a ritzy restaurant joint that I had come upon the connection that the universe had beaconed me to make.

Spaghetti Dodino. A pony who started a brief craze in the 1980’s by creating a new style of matter that had yet to be digested. “Italian food” he had called it. He had told of a story of serving Celestia a grandiose dinner at her palace before he accidentally fell into a mystical mirror and came across such a cuisine. But such absurd apocrypha does not interest me. It was the sole book he had published at the height of this craze, titled “That’s A-Pony – 50 Recipes for Pizza Pies” that intrigued me. I immediately went to the library to investigate further.

Surely there had to be some kind of hint. What did the chip represent? What was the connection between Celestia and Dodino? It was on page 35 in which I came upon it.

“What makes a perfect pizza? Many of my critics have complained of my food’s greasy nature, or overuse of tomatoes in an apple-rich land. But to them I say ‘vafanapoli’! It takes the fine work, sweat, and toil of a chef to captivate and entice the true flavor and essence of this far away land. But in the end, the elements of a good pizza lie within the hoofs of everypony. Be it a young spring filly or a masterful artiste such as myself; you must make the pizza that lies within your heart.”[38]

But in the end, the elements of a good pizza lie within the hoofs of everypony

the elements of a good pizza

the elements

The truth had never been so clear.

The Celestia-Dorito-Dodino connection lies in the words, “good pizza”.

How does this relate to the Elements of Harmony you may ask? Well, if you were to shut your pizza-pie hole for a damn second so I can finish my incessant rambling maybe you’ll find out.

What are the ingredients of a good pizza? What toppings might one find on a good pizza? Tomato sauce, cheese, a crispy crust; these are all things one would expect a good pizza to have. And it is in that in which one can find the message.

What is the supposed symbol for the element of honesty? An apple. What other fruit (or sometimes vegetable, but let’s not get into semantics here) looks like an apple? A tomato. How do tomatoes tie into pizzas? They are literally the life blood of the pie.

Do you need more? How should the cheese be placed on a good pizza? One would not want a dearth of cheese. So, one could say that a pizza would need an excess of cheese. Or perhaps, a generous helping of cheese? The symbols are so clear they’re practically punching you in the face.

I would go on for the other elements but I couldn’t think of any more connections. But the point still stands. Two out of six is 33.3%.[39] And in my book, those are results you simply can’t ignore. Therefore, if the ingredients of the pizza signify their respectful Elements, one can infer that the pizza in its entirety is the product of their combined power.

So what was the point of this entire section? Well, you ungrateful little half-wit, it seems like I have to be forced to spoon-feed you the truth. The Celestia-shaped chip was not a coincidence. No, it was a message. Celestia, or a being even greater than her had attempted to bring the Elements of Harmony to my attention. But why?

So I can uncover the truth. So let’s rock this show.

There must be something regarding the Elements that is of grave importance. A fact ignored by others; a fact that only those who dare to look can see. After further research in the Crystal Libraries, using Dodino’s book as a guideline, I had come to a powerful conclusion. A conclusion that shakes the very basis of which Celestia had built her throne of lies upon.

The magic of the Elements does not come from the power of friendship.

It comes…from dark magic.

How could this be? How could the Elements, which are supposed to represent all that is good in the glorious land of Equestria be powered by such foul witchery? Well, you’re on a roll with this interrupting thing today.

I must now direct your attention to a basic skill that chefs such as Dodino must excel at; baking. The act of baking is still not understood by most scholars (mostly me). Some have said it is as simple as 1-2-3,[40] and some have said it is simply an organized chemical reaction, but the academic world (me again) is still astounded by how an oven can turn cake batter into a cake. It simply defies all reason; it cannot be explained. Do you know what else can’t be explained? DARK MAGIC.

Now, what other types of food are baked? Cakes, cookies…and PIZZAS. What do pizzas stand for? The combined power of the Elements of Harmony. What does this mean? The magical power brought about with the combined strength of the elements is fueled by dark magic. To put it in laypony’s terms, if pizzas are powered by dark magic, then so are the Elements.

This brings us to the question; how did Celestia and Luna discover the Elements of Harmony? Such a question is still a mystery to this day, even to me. Researchers have postulated that they may have been forged in the “literal fires of friendship” of the Hearth’s Warming legend, but I proved eight chapters ago that the play was full of shit. They also hypothesized that they simply may have been immortal instruments brought down by Celestia and Luna, the gods themselves. But in the next few chapters I’ll prove that’s full of shit too. So this will just have to remain unanswered for now.

No matter how they discovered it, the dark power of the Elements would promptly explain how they had defeated Discord. It is here where it must be made clear that Discord did not use dark magic, but a different class of magic all-together. If Starswirl’s theories are to be believed, and if a spectrum of magic does exist, then in accordance to his hypotheses, one side of magic would be full of light and purity, while the opposite end would be filled with hate and darkness. But chaotic magic wouldn’t even be on the same dimension of the spectrum all-together. So, as Discord was not a user of dark magic, he would not be accustomed to its power, and would fall victim to it much more easily. But how could such a powerful being such as himself fall to such ordered darkness?

Well, let me share my theory with you. What does dark magic lead to? The most powerful user of dark magic to reappear in recent times was King Sombra. What did his dark magic result in? The creation of dark crystals, but more importantly, the ability to live on as an immortal shadow.

Now what else casts a shadow? A statue. Immediately, if one was to connect the dots, one could see that it is shockingly clear that Discord succumbed to dark magic when he was subjected to stoned petrification, supporting my dark Elements claim. He was not obliterated by the light, but rather the dark, which is why he was cursed for over a millennia to cast a perpetual shadow. Academia: 0, Loose Change: 6 billion.

Jumping ahead a couple of centuries, now we must ask, how was Celestia able to defeat Luna with the Elements of Harmony? After all, Luna wasn’t stoned like Discord or me on a Tuesday afternoon; she was banished as Nightmare Moon to be sealed within the moon itself. To explain this, let us return to the theories that I had scrawled upon my restaurant napkin.

We had already established that dark magic is strongly connected with shadows. But think now, what casts the biggest shadow onto Equestria? The umbra of the moon. But what causes this humongous shadow to be created? The light of a sun during a solar eclipse, the phenomenon in which the moon attempts to overshadow the sun. Do I even need to make it clearer for you? Do the words, “Equestrian Civil War”, ring a bell? As it would take enormous power to seal a fellow alicorn like herself, Celestia, using the power of the sun and the darkness of the Elements, was able to seal Luna into the caster of the greatest shadow of them all, the moon.

The Elements will be re-explored when it comes to the rise of Twilight Sparkle and her prissy friends, but for now, I think I blew you (away) enough times this chapter. Was it good for you?

Anyways, now that the Elements of Harmony have been completely understood, we can jump back into where we left off. Through such foul power, Celestia and Luna were able to reach Discord himself and utterly defeat him and seal away his chaotic magic. It was through the power of dark magic that they had accomplished such a feat, and it would be through dark magic that they would construct the tenants of their regime and their lies. And with the end of the Age of Discord, the Classical Era began.

Chapter 11: The Divine Will – The Drawing of Plans

It is at this point (ten chapters in) in which I shall reveal the thesis of this essay. Yes, to answer any of you academic critics out there, this essay does have a thesis. Celestia = bad. Now, let us move on.

The defeat of the hundred year oppressor was certainly something that took the general populace by surprise. Discord’s impact on the nation cannot be so simply understated; generations grew up under his rule knowing nothing but chaos. With the defeat of such a tyrant and the return of harmony that followed it, the system of chaos that had once reigned supreme was relegated to a passage in history. However, one could not expect the simple defeat of a tyrant to establish immediate stability across a nation suffering for one hundred years. Even with the defeat of Discord, new questions arose, whose answers had the potential to completely destroy the new-found peace. Who were these unknown ponies who had defeated Discord so easily? What is the true extent of their power? Where did the future of the nation lie? Immediately following the destruction of chaos across the land, it was a fragile time for the nation, even more so than under the rule of Discord. Celestia would have to act quickly to earn their trust, but more importantly, to return stability to the weakened nation. She of course, did this by straight-up lying to everypony, but hey, that’s Celestia for ya.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts of Equestria. With the defeat of Discord, I proclaim the freedom of every pony that lives under the shining sun. I have always made the impossible possible, as you can see with the defeat of Discord here today, and it is with that I announce my and my sister’s right to rule this land as its Princesses. I will shoulder the weight and all of the challenges the world will throw at our once proud nation, for the sake of everypony who looks up to the sky in hope. Many of you must wonder who these two unknown saviors are, and I will be perfectly clear. Who you look upon today are not mere ponies, but gods!” [41]

In an instant, she had created an image for herself and her sister that would forever shape her continued administration and the history of Equestria. This moment is forever recognized in history as the moment when the great deities, Celestia and Luna, decided to lead and guide us mortal ponies in a new era, but imma bout to tear that theory a new one.

The repercussions of such actions were surely huge. The arrival of supposed pony gods? Such an idea would surely be absurd in modern times (if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re still among us to this day), but it is important to recognize the context of this event. Two extremely powerful ponies had just abruptly ended the seemingly eternal century of chaos. With this sudden defeat of such a benevolent ruler (at least in this revisionist’s eyes) who had ruled with a terrifying(ly compassionate) fist, these two ponies truly did seem all powerful. This coupled with the shock of the incident itself, it would not be difficult to believe that these two higher level unicorns would quickly be accepted into the fold of deitism.

So, while they certainly were not deities, (a theory that I might add, whose very mention in public would get me flogged relentlessly with a flayed piece of Styrofoam) they needed a way to present themselves as such. The final transformation to complete their disguise. After all, despite their claims of acting as deities, they both must have known that this alone could not keep the new system stable; it would only be a matter of time before the recovering pony population would question their reins, and overthrow them.

And that’s when they came across Starswirl. No, not him, the other one. Yeah, that’s the one. Starswirl the Bearded.

They had briefly met with Starswirl, who may have possibly been aware of their plight, and offered them a solution. Why they chose to trust him, I have no idea. Maybe it was the beard. Anyways, with this knowledge provided by Starswirl in hand, Celestia and Luna now had to formulate a plan to remake Equestria. Unfortunately, like most Applewood remakes, it fell shortly flat. Zero Stars says this reviewer. Equestria is an even poorer rehash of what it used to be. Too much exposition, not enough special effects. F-.

Mixed metaphors aside, in order to succeed, the two deceivers needed to time to create this plan. Like the Equestrian Spring (except for the fact that the Equestrian Spring is accepted as fact by most scholars), I propose that there was a transitory period preceding the Classical Era as well, in which Celestia and Luna were able to complete their façades. I call it, the PRE-Classical Era. Not to be confused with the Pre-Classical Era (which, by-the-by, I now suggest should be renamed the Pre-PRE-Classical Era in light of this), the PRE-Classical Era was a short period, a few hours max, in which Celestia and Luna conceived their plans for the formation and perpetuation of their infernal reigns.

Chapter 12: The Folds of Deitism – Interlude to the Equestrian Rebirth

The discovery that Starswirl had shared with the princesses possessed the potential to alter the course of history forever. Starswirl discovered a method strongly intertwined with natural magic in which higher level unicorns could “ascend” and become a pony the likes of which were never seen before, effectively creating the first alicorns. While ascension to this “new realm” would definitely change the physical appearance, any boosts in magical power can be said to only have been minor but significant. The theory of ascension was more for appearance’s sake; by creating such a seemingly powerful and noble identity for themselves, it would truly seem that they would be superior to all others, and therefore more deserving to rule. Henceforth, Starswirl’s discovery here would essentially lay the groundwork for their façade of godhood. In the short hours of the PRE-Classical Era, Starswirl’s idea here must have certainly been a topic of discussion, with the final result being their unanimous agreement to utilize such a foul and underhanded method of ascension to complete their lie.

Of course, another topic of discussion must have come up when referring to this plan’s greatest flaws. While this plan would certainly bear fruit, it needed to rely on a system in which magical power defined superiority in the social hierarchy of ponies. If a society that praised magic strongly is created, it would only serve to reason that the most magical ponies would be most fit to rule. Therefore, the existence of divisions in class and race would have to exist for this to succeed, with the establishment of a unicorn upper class.

It was most likely thanks to the published works of infamous social theorist at the time, Pure Blood, in which Celestia was able to come up with such an idea. But of course, Pure Blood, like all unicorns, was an irredeemable racist, as seen in his pro-unicorn works such as, “Pegasi, Unicorns, Earth Ponies: Achieving Equality Among the Races”. Why did he put unicorns before earth ponies in the title? Typical unicorn scum. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s racism. But what I really hate the most are hypocrites. Anyways, it was probably due to his pro-unicorn bias in his works that Celestia was prompted to create such a warped social structure.

This ties in directly with the re-establishment of the nation’s new capital in Canterlot. Some scholars state that the act of moving the nation’s capital was only done to separate her regime from the “flaws” of the former government, and in order to consolidate the feeling of a new change in the nation. While I applaud these historians for their creativity, in the immortal words of the great philanthropist, Lex Hoofer, “WRONGG!”[42]

If one was to look at the patterns of history, it becomes extremely clear why the princesses chose Canterlot as their new capital. As the former capital of Unicornia, with its large unicorn population, it would give the system emphasizing magical power a greater boon to its supposed necessity. Of course, some definite personal bias obviously had a large part to play in Celestia’s decision as well; she could have easily chosen a system which favored earth ponies in order to make the system how it should have been. But she and her sister once again agreed to stick to such a discriminatory method.

Another topic that must have come in their discussion was the matter of sustaining themselves. And it is in this that the topic of artificial immortality presents itself, as seen in an excerpt from Starswirl’s diary.

“Age spells have been mastered only by the highest level unicorn, and in my experience, they are still very difficult to accomplish. It would require great knowledge, combining one of my greatest achievements, known colloquially as the ‘passivity’ spell, and the use of an age spell, to create a new magic all-together, a spell known as an ‘Age-Loop’. Through the use of this new class of magic, the activation of such a spell would become automatic…artificial sustainment of life could be achieved. However, I knew that such a discovery was not only limited to immortality…”[43]

While most say there is no concrete evidence that Celestia and Luna used such an “Age-Loop” to survive that long, I say stick an egg in your shoe and beat it (as in leave my sight, not beat the egg). Your evidence is right in front of you. You literally just read it. It is simply too coincidental that Starswirl’s discovery of a way to extend life indefinitely was mentioned in his studies regarding age spells. With that in mind, one can easily arrive to the conclusion that such an idea would cross the minds of the princesses as well.

With the use of such a method for achieving immortality, it seemed that the deification of the two rulers was complete. However, Celestia must have realized that in order for the regime to truly be unbreakable, all doubt over the monarchs’ power must be completely eradicated. It was during the meeting when a final step to complete their godhood was realized; raising the sun and the moon.

Under Discord, who raised the sun and the moon infrequently, taking only a couple of seconds to switch between the two (a true testament to his power by the way, which showed his magical prowess before he was unfairly beaten through the use of dark magic), many generations of ponies had never experienced the true phenomenon of the rising of the sun and the moon each day and night. The abilities of the higher level unicorns to do so was left unused under the power of Discord, and without the practice or education of the next generation of unicorns, eventually, the unicorns forgotten that they even had the ability at all. That is where Celestia and Luna stepped in. If they were able to demonstrate their complete control over the celestial bodies, they would surely amaze and impress the entire population of Equestria, strengthening their illusion of godhood.

It is here where the discussion of their cutie marks must be addressed. While general consensus among historians is that both Celestia and Luna’s cutie marks represent their power in raising the sun and the moon respectfully, a far more daring (and might I add intelligent) proposal can be made to break free from this paradigm; that Celestia and Luna’s cutie marks represent something else entirely.

After all, while the images of the sun and the moon seem to solely indicate their special talent, they may be more metaphorical in nature than commonly perceived. The sun could indicate strong leadership, a warm and loving nature, and Celestia’s “talent” as a natural born ruler. Also, the power of the sun can lead to skin cancer, just like the cancer she spreads across Equestrian society with her lies.

Luna’s cutie mark would be harder to explain, however, it could be theorized that as the moon follows the sun, her role is to follow her sister, and provide light and guidance to those lost in darkness or in their dreams. Or in a nutshell, sit on a throne and do nothing while stalking ponies in their nightmares[44] (whose repercussions will be felt later in history, as we shall see in a later chapter).

The point I was trying to make here is that the true meaning of their cutie marks could have easily been replaced in history with one far more regal. After all, nopony would dare to question them, and thus, due to this common misinterpretation of their cutie marks, their self-proclaimed rights to the sun and the moon would be strengthened even further.

On the eve of the next day, Celestia and Luna emerged from their quarters as full-fledged alicorns, the likes of which had never been seen before. With their substantial in boost in magical power, Celestia made sure that all of Equestria was able to witness the first true sunrise and sunset in over a century, with Luna manning the rise and fall of the moon. The new appearance of their leaders, as well as their total control over the celestial bodies, a feat forgotten to all ponies, entranced all of Equestria in its beauty. As they had predicted, little doubt remained over their identities as true gods, and they were fully welcomed as divine rulers by all the feeble minded idiots. With their full sovereignty now ensured, Celestia and Luna ended the short lived PRE-Classical Era, and were able to set forth in attempting to recreate a stronger Equestria (and failing tremendously) in an age titled, the “Classical Era”.

“Now Loose Change,” you might ask, “where’s the rest of the evidence for all of this? Surely if records of these plans existed, then the regime would have fallen already!” Well, to be honest, most of this chapter was all just speculation. But it was educated speculation. And it fit so well with their hidden agendas anyways, so it must’ve been true! Besides, it’s not like these events never happened, it’s just that at this point Celestia had gotten better at hiding things.

No. You know what? I’m NOT gonna apologize. At this point we don’t need stupid things like references or facts. You have the greatest source alive writing this goddamn essay. And baby, I’m all you’re gonna need here on through.

“The Classical Era dictated a new age, a rebirth, in the arts, sciences, and magic. Some scholars claim that the Classical Era was little more than a continuation of the age of discoveries which was crudely interrupted by Discord. Nonetheless, the discoveries made in the Classical Era took knowledge to new heights, and pony culture as a whole excelled.”[45]

Turns out my professor said that he wouldn’t accept my essay if I stopped adding reputable citations. So here’s a citation for ya, prof.[46]

Chapter 13: The Celestial Concert - The Three Point Plan

The Classical Era is commonly defined as the Golden Age of Equestrian history; the period when Equestria had achieved its greatest successes and growth. Of course, if I was forced to describe the Era using an atomic element, I would call it the Polonium Age instead. This supposed great age in Equestrian history only served to allow Celestia to fester her reign, and begin an eventual but definite degradation of the strengths of its former system, leaving Equestria to die a slow and painful death by radiation poisoning. Even in general terms, it could not be seen as a Golden Age in any sense of the word, as the Golden Age in the neighboring Griffon Kingdom two centuries later (which I had renamed from its former title, the Second Bloody Age) was able to kill way more of its own citizens than Celestia did.

With the establishment of leadership in Canterlot, Celestia wasted no time in planting the seeds needed for her reign. She quickly abolished all opposition parties and previous forms of government, placing her and her sister solely in charge.

Celestia quickly started to take control of knowledge and thought, the most powerful weapons against a newly constructed authoritarian reign. She banned the idea of republicanism, to prevent a possible resurgence of the idea, as well as the name of Discord. Her excuse for that was “to allow the public to forget the suffering of his reign as soon as possible”,[47] an excuse accepted by even the most acclaimed of historians. While sources say that Celestia did not forcefully enforce these rules, and that the citizens actually “willfully obeyed the words of their supposed god without question”,[48] such an explanation seems difficult to comprehend, and has the words “Celestia interference” all over it, like a pony who went overboard with the tattoo brander. If anything, she definitely had to have a secret police that she used to silence others, who would become the basis for her future military. Most likely known as the CWMFS (Celestia WaterMelon Friendship Surprise, or something like that), their existence was kept from history and only those in the upper echelon of Celestia’s government knew of it. But don’t ask how I got this confidential information. This kind of thing is on a “need-to-know” basis.[49]

Thanks to the actions of Celestia, through this system of knowledge-control, Discord was eventually forgotten with the passage of time and became a mythical legend, his name becoming littler more than a noun holding a negative connotation. Celestia even had the gall to place his statue in the Canterlot gardens (once ensuring nopony remembered who he was centuries later).

Celestia was most likely motivated to do this in order to allow all ponies to forget of his existence and the superiority of his rule. After all, the best way to destroy something is to make it forgotten by everypony, right? For as they say, “he who controls knowledge, controls the land of pastel-colored equines.”[50]

Of course, with Discord’s resurgence in late 2011, records and documents involving his rise to power were privately released to a select few universities and libraries, and academic interest in Discord (and by extension, the Equinus Republic) grew as a result.

Anyways, getting back to some of the other crap of the Classical Era, Celestia quickly began a process of rebirth and regrowth in Equestria to ensure the stability of her rule. Dubbed in history as “The Three Point Plan”, it supposedly restored Equestria to Pre-Discord levels of strength and eventually exceeded those past numbers in little more than two years. The Three Point Plan is accepted in history due to its meticulous keeping of records, the multitudes of sources that discuss and praise its success, and the fact that two of the ponies who saw to the plan’s triumph still live among us to this day. So you might think there’s no way to argue with this. Well, stupid things like “sources” and “evidence” haven’t stopped me before. So let’s dig through the bullshit and get to the real nuggets of the truth (any relation in these analogies is unintended).

“Beginning in 512, the Three Point Plan was a huge undertaking, in which every full grown, well-bodied citizen of Equestria was required to undergo hard labor to restore their towns and cities to their original glory. The nation reverted to a national emergency program in which twelve state-created zones would collect food and supplies from the population, and distribute the resources fairly to all ponies within their respective areas. Food and supplies would be provided by the hard work of Earth Ponies, who would also be responsible for rebuilding a majority of the buildings in their towns. Pegasi were also required to contribute to the rebuilding of cities and towns, as well as rebuilding their famed Cloud Cities. While lacking a true education system, some of the more logical unicorns were responsible for the general architecture, drawing up blueprints and plans for some of the more complex buildings, while the rest would assist in the general rebuilding effort through the use of their magic.”[51]

Well, well, well. It seems like earth ponies get the short end of the stick again, while the unicorns sit on their (if you can excuse the expression) high horse, and do jack-diddly squat. I promised myself that this essay wouldn’t have any unnecessary personal/racial biases in it, and I’m proud to say that I succeeded. Because all of the points I’ve made throughout this essay were not only necessary, they were neCESSary. Anyways, the main point of contention I have with this (other than that unicorn thing) is that the ponies would have no motivation to work. Ignoring all that stuff about repairing their broken lives and rebuilding their crippled nation (which are all pretty stupid reasons to work), what would they serve to gain from such free manual labor? Other than all of the stuff that I just mentioned. And the free food and supplies and stuff.

Secondary sources state that “the ponies felt an increase in national pride thanks to the power of their new rulers, and in order to please them, as well as their self-perceived need to restore national prestige under their new rulers, productivity in reconstruction increased tenfold. The morale of the workers increased even further in areas in which Celestia and Luna themselves made public visits and gave hopeful and impressive speeches. In the accounts of Mayor of Manehattan, Bloomberry,

‘It was almost as if [Celestia] was orchestrating a great concert; in which everypony stopped to listen. Her gentle, yet authoritative tone re-assured and entranced us all. There was no doubt in my mind that she was anything less than a goddess. And it gave us such hope. Such tremendous hope.’”[52]

Ugh. If your bullshit sense isn’t tingling by now, I strongly suggest you see a doctor and get a transplant to replace the pathetic lump of grey matter that you call a brain. And if you don’t have health insurance like me, just steal some of your homeless friend’s smart pills. They have a little smiley face and everything so you know it must be good stuff. And they put me into a pleasant little haze afterwards where I do things I don't remember, but always regret.

Drug induced comas aside, let’s analyze this the right way. My way. My theory is that under Celestia, the nation didn’t improve jack-squat. If anything, with Celestia’s introduction of a new currency, bitcoins, the nation collectively became poorer (at least in comparison to the former currency). And all that reconstruction and restoration of the infrastructure? Absolutely unnecessary. Under Discord, ponies were just fine living in anthills and mudholes[53] (at least the Earth Ponies were, for it wasn’t too different from what they were living in before) for a century, and Celestia’s work here can be seen as an auxiliary action that her administration augustly accomplished as an accessory attachment.[54] Yes, it was just a ploy by Celestia to make it seem that under her rule, ponies as a whole lived better. I mean sure, the life expectancy increased dramatically as a result of this,[55] but is that really a good thing? That just means more stupid unicorns and pegasi to deal with.

Other biased sources stated that thanks to the Three Point Plan, “Equestria’s recovery and rapid regrowth ensured its return back into a force to be reckoned with”,[56] with many drawing attention to the successes of new public works projects, such as an improved roads system, and the fact that they even had roads[57] at all. But most significantly, these biased sources have stated that under Celestia, during the rebirth, agriculture levels grew to an infinitely greater number than the levels under Discord. But this is impossible; nothing can be infinite. Except for Celestia’s plot, HEY-OHH! Joking Truth aside, even for hyperbole, for so many sources to simultaneously cite this as fact is a clear indication of Celestia’s alterations of history. Again, it seems like what these historians have in reputation, they lack in brains.

…A few of my trusted academic scholar colleagues[58] have politely reminded me just now that if agriculture under Discord was at a rate of zero, than it is indeed possible for any number to be infinitely greater than Discord Era levels. But I haven’t gotten to that chapter in my math book yet, so I’ll just ignore that. I’m probably still right anyways.

Chapter 14: The Establishment of the Dream – Pillars of Compliance

Let’s return to the concept of the corrupt social structure that Celestia set in place. In any other reasonable society, one’s population would never allow such a system favouring social dominance to become the norm. But one has to remember that the society in the beginning of the Classical Era was anything but reasonable; it was indeed quite weak. This wasn’t because of Discord and his policies that still had an influence on early Classical-Era society of course, no, it was because of Celestia’s forced indoctrinations.

As I have stated before, Celestia immediately had to create a cult of personality revolving around her to ensure the longevity of her regime and the ponies’ loyalty towards her. An example of this can be seen in her actions against the Church of Faust, an ancient religion predating to the Pre-Equestrian Era, in which die-hard religious ponies, or Faustiebers,[59] believed that the second coming of Faust (as foretold in the now-lost “Show Bible”) was the only thing that could save the show pony society from eternal damnation. While the powers of the church seemed to waver during the Discordian Age, its influence was completely eliminated under Celestia. Religion would compete against the idolization she desired, and as such, the Church along with a few but slightly significant Faustiebers, were forcefully re-educated.

With the elimination of the remnant powers of the Church of Faust, it seemed like Celestia’s cult of godhood was complete. With continued subtleties such as this, and, following the rebuilding of Equestria, a national public education program, one can easily see how Celestia implanted the idea of unicorn superiority into the minds of the population. As I had previously stated, while this unfair class system was implemented for Celestia’s agenda only, it had an unexpected positive side effect (for the unicorns only of course). Increased significance placed on the glory of the unicorns caused their culture to benefit exponentially, and allowed for the establishment of a bourgeoisie, an upper tier of rich unicorns, which formed as quickly as two years after Equestrian reconstruction efforts.[60]

This upper unicorn class caused the unicorn focused capital to grow more grandiose, eventually creating an image of a high-class city, with taller and grander buildings by the year. Interestingly enough, while a castle was created for their false gods to live in, at the time, it was more of a formality than anything. The royal sisters would use it as a second home of sorts, choosing to conduct most of their business in the ancient castle of what used to be the royal castle of the unicorn tribe. While one would think that their lack of actual presence in Canterlot would be a detriment to their pro-unicorn agendas, the fact they were living in a castle that historically belonged to the unicorn tribes only served to further the idea that unicorns held superior blood, and that they were their gods’ purest descendants. Typical unicorn stupidity aside, I simply attribute their choice of continuing to live in the ancient castle (which of course, was renovated from its previous decaying state) as a result of their childhood nostalgia; they probably lived in the remains of the castle as youngsters, and therefore had a greater preference for the place.

Getting back to the unicorn class thing, the unicorn aristocracy also caused an influx of financial spending, as they tended to enjoy purchasing unnecessarily expensive things, such as diamond encrusted toilets, an idea that was certainly helped by Canterlot’s rich mineral stores in its crystal mines (along with the fact that unicorns ate more fiber than a parasprite in a Fiber One factory). This increase in spending by the rich, as well as the established public education system, caused a long-lasting boost in Equestria’s economy, as well as an upsurge of new thinkers and ideas in the country. Through this, one can certainly see why some would consider this to be Equestria’s Golden Age,[61] but I hold true to the fact that the facetious nature of Celestia’s “improvements” would contribute to the country’s eventual radiation poisoning (yes, I’m sticking with that metaphor).

For example, the establishment of a unicorn aristocracy, as I had stated, caused racial differences to intensify to a great extent. The most up in arms (or legs? hooves?) over this, the pegasi, were proving to be a potential problem to the regime.[62] You might expect the Earth Ponies to be a vocal majority in this as well, but most of them were mostly just admiring the fact they had working outhouses.[63] Keep on shining like the superior pony race you are, guys.

Anyways, in an attempt to quell their anger, Celestia established a military structure from the basis of her secret police (the Celestia…Watermelon thing. I forgot what it’s called. Honestly, I’m just making this up as I go along) completely dependent on pegasi in an attempt to give them more rights and power, as well as to make them feel like they had a say in things. Surprisingly, the pegasi were somehow satisfied by this false impression of power, and filled the ranks of the Equestrian military with pride like the idiots they were. The earth ponies, of course, were much more intelligent, and didn’t fall for any of Celestia’s ploys (probably because they didn’t need to, they were still admiring the whole outhouse thing).

While it might have been foolhardy to assume that giving the pegasi a monopoly over the military would not have any repercussions in the long run, Celestia had so much of the public’s support for her reign that it did not prove to be a problem for a long time to come. And if that’s not evidence supporting the fact that indoctrinations existed, I don’t know what is.

Celestia exploited the idiocy of the pegasi by “graciously” providing them a “unique and specialized role of weather and cloud management”.[64] By giving the pegasi such meaningless titles such as this and forcing them to do government work for free, “to support their new goddesses”,[65] Celestia had given the pegasi a false sense of belonging, identity, and most importantly, superiority; effectively eliminating their desire to revolt against the pro-unicorn system. To put it into plainer words, Celestia had pretty much twisted the pegasi around her finger.[66]

With her temporary solution in quelling racial unrest, it seemed like Celestia had the world on a string. She even managed to deal with another of Equestria’s long-lasting problems, the frequent monster attacks. In fact, interestingly enough, as soon as Celestia rose to power, the monsters became less and less of a threat. This was especially prevalent in areas that she (and her sister) had recently visited.[67] Experts in pony-monster relations state that this was most likely due to their fear of Celestia’s power; after all, she was the one who defeated Discord, a creature (to them), that possessed more power than they could ever hope to muster. So perhaps Celestia’s “rule by fear” was what caused monster aggression to subside.

…Or maybe they just started dropping dead from monster STIs. I know I dedicated entire freakin’ chapters to discussing the strength of Celestia’s godly image, and how out of nowhere and “asspullish”[68] this theory may seem, but I have the best kind of evidence to prove this wild claim.

No evidence whatsoever.

What I’m trying to say here is that while there’s no evidence to prove this theory, there’s no evidence to disprove this theory either. So therefore it must be possible, right? And don’t none of you report me to the Fallacy Police. I know they’re watching me. Whenever I take those smart pills I can sense their presence. Their cruel, unblinking eyes, watching and penetrating areas of me I didn’t even know existed. Just waiting for me to slip up in logic. But luckily for me, I haven’t had any such fallacies or leaps in logic so far. It’s all thanks to my superior intellect.

But I’m on to you.

I’M ON TO YOU.

You know, I’ve had enough of this long, paragraph-spanning blowjob to Celestia and her supposed “successes”. I mean, sure, I can talk about how Equestria made several technological, social, and economic advances under her rule, and sure, I can talk about how she managed to solve the dragon problem (providing the dragons jewels from the crystal caverns underneath Canterlot in exchange for their eggs in her secret program, Jewels4Babies©), but nopony cares about that kind of thing. I find it wayyy more fun to talk about her failures. And besides, that’s what you came here to read, right? Unless you’re my prof, and in that case, [70].

So let’s jump 200 years later to the event that marked the beginning of the end for the Classical Era (thank Smooze) and another one of Equestria’s turning points; the Crystal War.

Chapter 15: Descent Into Madness – A King and His Empire

Before we can get into the Crystal War, we (we being an intellectual use of the superior “I”) must first discuss one of the “major players” in the conflict, King Sombra, née Somber.

First off, who is King Sombra? Let’s provide a brief rundown of his life, which was not at all stolen without citation from Ponipedia. King Sombra; (918-2012?) was the last along the line of unicorn monarchs in the Crystal Empire. Known colloquially as the “Shadow King”, “Son of Darkness” and, more uncommonly, “Genocidal Dick”, he was responsible for the numerous advancements in the understanding of dark magic, and most significantly, for the attempted mass genocide and enslavement of his nation, and his role as the instigator of the Crystal War of 951-952.

Of course, this regurgitation of facts (from my brain, not from anywhere else mind you), would prove to be quite contradictory to what is known in past history. The ideas of separate monarchs and a random subset of a territory on the continent-nation of Equestria literally forgotten by all is quite difficult to appropriately place in the timeline. In fact, the Crystal Empire’s exact history proves to be quite difficult in the context of traditional Equestrian history. This is not helped by the fact that most of the academia in Canterlot have no mention of this forgotten empire and the year-spanning conflict that resulted from its existence, at least before its reappearance in late 2012, and as such, it was literally an empire and a war, “wiped” from history. And I think we all know who was behind that. But I’m sorry Celestia, but you’ll soon find that under the observant eye of Loose Change, that Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser© isn’t able to remove all stains from hard to reach areas. Even if those hard to reach areas are within the realms of lost history.

For it is in this section that my Crystal Library sources really get to shine. That’s right, it’s time to feature the sources I’ve been hyping up since the Abstract. And it’ll be for an entire two chapters. Booyah.

First, let us dive into the civil history of the Crystal Empire. It seems like when it comes to the Crystal Empire, one must dive into semantics. As the Crystal Empire is indeed a part of Equestria, the continent, it was not always a part of Equestria, the nation. During the unification of the three pony nations (as mentioned in Chapter 3), it seems as though the Crystal Empire was not included in this event. This was most likely due to the fact that no pony had ever truly ventured into the arctic north, or at least any pony who lived to tell the tale.

The Empire, in essence, was an empire. Perhaps that’s why it had the word “empire” in its name. From what pre-Crystal Empire history states (whose time period in respect to Pre-Equestrian history is still debated to this day), the Crystal Empire was established by assimilation. The crystal ponies previously lived in small city states and were relatively independent and separate from each other (showing that despite being from the same race, segregation still existed). But, with the rise of a dominant state, all of the city states were eventually assimilated into one glorious empire through conquest.[71] Interestingly enough, the exact details regarding the annexations of the states of the past, as well as the identity of the superior city state is unknown to us historians, and no valid records were found in the Crystal Library. But what is intriguing about the ancient Crystal Empire were the methods they chose to conduct their domestic and foreign policies.

When it came to the political and social policies of the Empire, it seemed, in fact, that the crystal ponies insisted to live in forced isolation from the rest of Equestria,[72] which I am sure was probably quite splendid. The crystal ponies, a genetic offset from Earth Ponies, were actually jam-packed to the brim with their own culture, cutting edge surround sound, and blast processing.[73] In essence, it was just a large city state, aware of Equestria’s existence, but usually straying away from its conflicts and politics. It was due to this long-lasting isolationist policy that they were able to avoid the pratfalls of Celestia, but on the other hand, they also missed out on some brilliant foreshadowing of her evil by Discord, so every rose has its thorns I guess.

When it comes to discussing the leadership of the nation, the Crystal monarchy itself held many secrets. It seemed that in a crystal pony majority city state, a unicorn monarchy (who, according to records, weren't even made out of crystal) still managed to instill themselves as tyrants. Those goddamn unicorns seep their grubby little hooves into everything good in the world, don’t they? Anyways, the monarchy held adequate success over ruling their subjects (as adequate as a unicorn leader could be I suppose, which by-the-by, isn’t a lot), until the crowning of Sombra as king.

Sombra himself, was certainly an interesting figure in history. Living with the support of a loving family, his role as future king, and crystal pony servants to serve his every beck and whim,[74] it's hard to see how he could turn evil. In fact, it is my opinion that he wasn’t really that evil after all. You know, overlooking the attempted slavery, genocide, and dark magic thing. I mean, in comparison to Celestia, who had the audacity to lie about her identity to strengthen a nation on the verge of collapse, it doesn’t take a genius to sort out the true evil here.

Interestingly enough, Sombra seemed to be quite educated as a growing young unicorn, mastering basic magic by the age of 5, and advanced magic by the age of 11.[75] He certainly possessed a curious mind, which was rivaled only by his passion for learning, as he filled his mind with facts and knowledge.[76]

In fact, Sombra was apparently a prolific author, writing tomes upon tomes of academia in his prime. While he must have been quite the gifted scholar, one could observe his gradual descent into insanity through the titles of his books. With such apt titles as “The Art of Horticulture: The Beauty of the Magnoliophyta”, “Applications and Explorations in Integral Calculus”, and “My Struggle: Attempting Genocide 101”, we can see how the darkness in his mind spread to his academic work as well. I mean, who would write a five hundred page book on Calculus for the fun of it? And a multivolume work on freakin’ horticulture? You’re a goddamn monster!

And it was not as though he was not endowed politically and orally (for clarification sake, not in the context you’re probably thinking of). He was a brilliant speech maker, a strong leader, and a skilled policy maker. As one of the vehement supporters of isolationism during a period when the other Crystal officials considered officially “spreading their legs”, and formally opening relations with the rest of Equestria, he was one of the most vocal in his opinion. One of the few remaining records of the king survives in the form of collected excerpts of one of his royal meetings,

“I maintain my position regarding foreign affairs in our fair empire. A relationship with the rest of Equestria would pave a path of which I am certain would lead to catastrophe.”[77]

What a meticulously worded pony. With his anachronistic way of speaking, he surely must have been quite the pretentious equine (but honestly, what unicorn isn't)? What kind of pony would insist on the inclusion of such ostentatious and superfluous vocabulary to make themselves seem smarter? I don't mean to be querulous, but such spurious behavior simply substantiates his lack of intelligence. But again, unicorn.

We’re getting off track here. Despite all of his “good qualities” (note that the words, good qualities, are italicized and quotated), at some point in his life, Sombra drove himself insane (I’m feeling it was probably with the publishing of that Calculus book). Even to this day, nopony knows what could have driven the Crystal King to madness. Nonetheless, many crystal scholars, before their eventual persecution, had speculated the subject a thousand years ago. Perhaps it was the general public’s constant inane talk of flugelhorns and jousting (which was part of a whole Medieval Equestria fad that somehow enveloped the city),[78] or perhaps it was their obsession with crystal-themed baked goods and Sombra being forced to hold a fair every year to keep the ponies from crying. Maybe it was even the fact that he was literally surrounded by crystals every day and that the ponies would continue to place the word crystal into every line of conversation like a cheap and unsubtle commercial. In my professional opinion, it was probably the baked goods. Whatever it was, it drove the king mad, causing him to mutter the word “crystals” every other second, and most significantly, drove him into an obsession with dark magic.

With that, he started to delve deeper into what little information on dark magic he could find. Given that he was the only unicorn in a city made primarily of earth ponies, it was pretty difficult to do. But thanks to his scholarly mind, he was able to initiate some of the most advanced research regarding dark magic known to ponykind (only rivaled of course, by the Elements of Harmony, and Celestia (and Luna), whose use of dark magic were not yet known). He gradually progressed in his experiments with dark magic, starting from the basics with some simple fear spells, before eventually reaching the advanced level of an endless stairs spell.[79] The only mistake he made (you know, other than the whole “going insane” thing) was making such information public (as a true scholar would), starting a chain reaction whose consequences shall be discussed in the next chapter. But as a fellow scholar who insists on spreading knowledge to the masses no matter how dangerous it may be to themselves, I salute you.

According to the official biography of his life as transcribed by his chief advisor, Crystal Pony #43, before her deposition, his first act as the newly named “Mad King” was to immediately enslave the asinine crystal ponies, to ensure their “shutting of ups”.[80] By hiding the Crystal Heart, an artifact passed down from generations which protected the Crystal Empire from all evil “for the longest time”,[81] he was able to ensure that the crystal ponies could never rise against him and destroy his dark powers. With the completion of those preliminary steps, he then of course, attempted to advance to the next step; the systematic slaughter of the indigenous crystal pony population to fuel his complicated future experiments in blood runes, following the plans described in his book that foreshadowed his evil, “The Art of Horticulture”.

Despite all of this, I can’t fault him for everything he’s done, because unlike Celestia, even under his twisted rule, some good things were able to come from his reign. For example, there was a definite increase in the production of public works projects (thanks to all of the slave labor).[82] And he gave the benign crystal ponies something fun to do; walking around in circles looking sad and pathetic while dragging around their heavy chains.[83] Now who wouldn’t enjoy that? It probably was good exercise for the entire empire. And I’m sure the crystal ponies never looked thinner! (which was also probably thanks to all the starvation) Nonetheless, Celestia could still learn a thing or two from this. Take a break from shoving all those cakes in your mouth and do a push-up once in a while!

With Sombra’s opt for insanity, it seemed as though the Crystal Empire was doomed to perish under his iron-clad hoof of evil and terrible taste in royal cloaks. But of course this was not to be, or else I wouldn’t even be talking about it now, would I? So obviously, there must have been somepony who put a stop to this evil. Alas, it seemed like as we have seen in history, the only way to stop evil is with a far greater evil. After all, isn’t this the pattern we’ve observed? From good (the Caballeros, Equinus), medium (Discord), and evil (Sombra, Celestia), it unfortunately seemed as though history followed a cruel pattern. That pattern of course being, that unicorns are the cause of all evil.