Some ponies grow up wanting to do something like being a fashion designer, or an egghead, or a farmer. And then there’s that one pony whose cutie mark is a freakin bag of money and he’s just super rich I guess. Isn’t that a pretty sweet talent?

 I’m getting off track.

Some of them even get there too. They land that dream job, but a lot of them don’t realize that every job comes with boring stuff. They gotta sit down and sew the same design for hours, they gotta read books you don’t want to, they gotta farm... things. Soon enough, they come to live with it. It’s the price of getting to do what you want to do most of the time. Not me though. I was meant to be a Wonderbolt and thats what I became. I’m a high speed, precision flying athlete of world-class physical condition.

Sound awesome? That’s because it is.

We fly shows, perform around Equestria, and generally be awesome in front of other ponies. I’m sort of the crowd favourite because I’ve got the one trick nopony else can do, the Sonic Rainboom. It’s a tough job having legions of screaming fans, but somepony’s gotta do it.

Well, maybe the autographs after the show get old, but that’s like the only thing. You know, because I have so many to sign.

“And an autograph for the cute pegasus,” I said, stamping my hoofprint on the headshot. I held it out for her without looking up from my desk.

Fluttershy blushed for a moment before going back to her sullen, heartbroken face. I didn’t know it, but her eyes were puffy and red and she looked like all kinds of upset.

“Oh... um, thanks...” she said taking it. “Are you busy? I-i was hoping we could talk...”

“All interview bids should be sent straight to my agent. He’s a pretty chill guy. Here, because I like ya, here’s his card. Stay awesome,” I said with false bravado and a click of my tongue for the fifth time today.

I flicked out a card and held it up for her to take as well. After stamping a few more autographs with my hoof hanging, I realized she wasn’t taking it. Whatever, I wasn’t going to ask her more than once.

I waved the card at her. “Hey, you want this or not?”

I heard whimpering come from the pony and sighed. If this was another starstruck cadet hoping to get my attention with a breakdown sob story, they had another thing coming. I raised my shades and looked up.

“Fluttershy! What the hay are you doing here?!” I nearly shouted.

She winced.

“... i-i... nothing.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Just— force of habit, you know?” I tried to console. “You were sayin’ something about...”

I internally slapped myself. I had forgotten what she had said only moments before. Sometimes I tune stuff like this out. I get it so often that I could never pay attention to everypony all the time. Fluttershy was different though. It rung strange to my ear to know I didn’t recognize her voice instantly.

“... oh, I-i j-just wanted to talk,” she stammered, wiping her tear-stained cheeks.

“Oh geez, please don’t cry. I didn’t just say really dumb stuff, did I?”

I did a quick recap. To my horror, I did.

“Gah, I feel like an idiot. I’m really sorry! Hey, to make it up to you, how about I give you free tickets to my next show!?”

“No, please no more tickets...”

“Season passes?” I tried with a cool smile.

“No...”

“Backstage V.I.—”

“I don’t want those! I want to just talk to you!” she burst out much to my surprise, raising her voice just near the end.

The silence afterwards was only broken by her now open sobbing. I probably looked like a complete jerk watching her cry. It was just too weird. I could count the number of times Fluttershy yelled at me on one hoof, counting this time.

I looked nervously to today’s agenda. I had a practice, a show, and a charity appearance today. I bit my lip and looked between my own headshots on the table in front of me and the crying pegasus.

“Y-yeah, okay. You know what? I think— I think I can take the rest of the day off...”

---

We found a little cloud to share, just the two of us. It was hidden between two big nimbus clouds, zero chance of some punk kids recognizing me and blowing my cover. Last thing I wanted was for the paparazzi to show up and scare her away.

Fluttershy hadn’t stopped crying, but she stopped the whimpering and even smiled a bit on the way there.

As we laid there, I realized she was sort of frowning a whole bunch and stuff. I figured that she was crying because I had been a jerkwad, but she had me all to herself on a private cloud now and I said sorry. Fluttershy wanted my attention, and she got it. I didn’t expect her to still be broken up.

“Th-thanks for doing this for me,” she said, finally breaking a long, but comfortable silence.

She sniffled quietly and looked down at her hooves.

“Yeah, of course. Sorry, I’ve been dodging you guys so much. I think I’m gonna go to a part-time schedule, so I can spend more time with you and the gang.”

“That’d be... nice...”

She was quiet for a few moments. I thought she hadn’t heard me, but as soon as I was about to say something, she spoke.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, anything,” I replied warmly.

She started to shake and sob again.

“Wh-what’s it like to make a difference?”

“What?” I asked a little stupidly in retrospect.

“What’s it like to change a pony’s life forever?”

“I... don’t know...?” I replied with even greater retrospective stupidity.

Her face scrunched up and she clenched her eyes. Tears began streaming down her face. She pounded the cloud with her hoof in frustration.

“Because I don’t do that. I’ve never done that! I’m just worthless! I don’t inspire anypony! I don’t make anypony happy! All I do is feed animals! Anypony could do that! What’s it even worth?!’ she cried hysterically.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, just take it easy! Who even told you all that?”

“Why does it matter?! It’s true!”

Face in hooves, Fluttershy cried straight into the cloud. Slowly, she found her way into my lap and latched onto me.

“No way, it totally matters who told you that, because they are gonna be in a world of hurt. Nopony makes you cry on my watch,” I reassured her.

“See?! You make a difference! You help ponies! You save them! I don’t!” she cried

“I’m not saving anypony right now!” I refuted for reasons that were never clear to me. It made Fluttershy cry harder and I gave myself another internal slap. “But that’s not the point... Point is, they’re wrong. You help lots of ponies.”

“Not like you! You save lives!”

“Yeah, so?”

“I-it’s different!”

“How?” I said, a little standoffish.

She was quieter now. I think she was thinking really hard about something. She had been crying, so that probably had something to do with it. Now she was quiet... or something. I didn’t feel like I was getting it. Sure, she wasn’t a Wonderbolt, but Fluttershy helped ponies all the time.

“Because without you, somepony’s mom isn’t going to get to see their son or daughter again... Without me, they might have to get a better bird choir at their wedding...”

“But that’s just my job...”

“Yeah, I guess it is. And mine is being worthless... Thanks for the talk.”

Fluttershy got up and flew off towards the the ground, wailing. I think she wanted me to follow her, because she sort of hung in midair and looked back at me, but I didn’t. I watched her go and heard her crying fade into the forest below. I’d have to say, if I regret anything it would be not following her.

In my defense, I was dumbfounded. She hadn’t ever came to me like that before. Maybe that was the sign that something was really wrong, but I hadn’t caught on fast enough. She was crying, but that wasn’t unusual. Somepony had hurt her feelings, also not unusual. Usually, I gave her space, but I just didn’t know what she wanted at the time. I mean, she said ‘thanks’ at the end. What was I supposed to think?

Note to self: get better at reading other ponies’ emotions and stop being such an idiot.

---

I had already called in sick and lounging about the house left me thinking about Fluttershy for way too long. It bothered me a lot more than usual, but I didn’t do anything. I went out for a lap around Cloudsdale, and went back to my house and napped for the rest of the day.

I woke up from it feeling like garbage, the crummy feeling of waking up tired of sleeping.

Days passed quickly. I forgot about Fluttershy’s visit soon after. She was almost always upset about something, and even though I couldn’t be there for her, she had the rest of our friends to fall back on. It was strange she even came to me in the first place. I hated to admit it, but if I was her, I wouldn’t have come to me at all. I’d been so distant after becoming a lead in the Wonderbolts, that I just couldn’t keep up with her or anypony for that matter.

What could I even talk to her about anymore?

Yet, even that short exchange reminded me why I was friends with her. It was the sort of deep stuff she always brought to me. Most of the time, we’d talk for hours instead of a few minutes, and I also wouldn’t get half the things she said. Of course I’d hear them, but not in the meaningful way.

This time though, I felt compelled to try and figure out what she had told me.

Being part of the Wonderbolts also meant I was one of Equestria’s first defenses against danger. Something big and scary happened, I was there to deal with it. I saved lives, returned the baby to her mother, stood around for photos, and went home. It was my job, and I was pretty good at it.

It was also a ton of fun, which is why I did it.

Fluttershy’s job was taking care of animals, and I’m pretty sure she liked it too. Maybe it wasn’t as exciting as being a wonderbolt, but I’m also pretty sure she hated exciting things.

“Okay, so if you like being quiet and taking care of animals, you’d hate being a Wonderbolt, right?” I asked Soarin’ as he lounged about on my couch..

“Makes sense to me,” he replied.

“So, she’s just getting upset over nothing,” I confirmed.

“Well, I wouldn’t just throw away her concerns like that. If she came all the way to Cloudsdale to see you, then it must be important to her.”

“I know, but I can’t figure it out. She loves animals, she makes a difference in their lives, she’s a superstar to them, is she having midlife crisis or something?”

“You should probably go ask her.”

“But she said something about how we return ponies to their parents and all she does is rent out a bird choir,” I deflected.

Part of me wanted to go and see her, but another part felt I had made too much of a mule of myself.

“Yeah, we save lives, Dash. It’s nothing to scoff at.”

There was a silence. I was too lost in thought.

“Do you know how many lives you’ve saved? Have you kept count?” he pried.

“No, why? Should I be?”

“I do, and I know Spitfire does,” he said stoically. “You don’t have to. We’re not gonna kick you out or anything. You’re too good at flying,” he gave me a weak smile which I returned. “Do you at least remember each one?”

I thought for a moment. There was the time I saved Rarity, and the entire Mare-Do-Well incident. After I joined the Wonderbolts, I saved a bunch more ponies. I tried to go down the timeline, but after tallying it up, I only counted eleven, and that felt way too low.

“Uhh, not really,” I admitted. “I’ll start now though.”

He sighed.

“Dash, I’m not gonna lecture you or tell you how to think, but remember, we’re changing ponies’ lives, and not just the one we’re saving. Really, they won’t know the difference if we’re dead or not, but the ponies around them will.

---

A few weeks passed without incident. I mostly forgot about Fluttershy’s visit and went back to my routine. I took my work a little more seriously though. I tried to be more genuine when I held the baby who always seemed to be rolling down a ridiculously steep hill in a stroller. I looked their parent in the eye when I hoofed their child over and said a few rehearsed lines to put them at ease.

It brought me a greater satisfaction in doing so. It was one of those small truths about the world that I kept with me all the time. Whenever I looked a situation, I tried to look at the value of the lives involved first.

I wasn’t very good at it, but I was getting better and better each day.

Then it came to me. It was a simple letter that swirled in a cloud of smoke through the window. I was sitting at my desk, looking through some paperwork when I immediately recognized it as one of Spike’s letters.

It was unusual because Twilight rarely sent me letters anymore. Honestly, I really missed talking to Twilight about books and Daring Do and pretty much everything else in general. We had tried to stay in touch, writing weekly letters back and forth, but I was always so distracted. Wonderbolt life was fast, too fast to sit around and write letters to old friends. Twilight figured that out in in a really sucky way.

 After leaving one of her letters hanging for a month, I finally wrote back telling her not to bother.

I remember getting Soarin’ to write it for me cause I kept crying like a big baby and messing up the paper.

Thinking back, I probably got way too emotional about it, but whatever. I might have liked the egghead a little bit more than friends at the time, so that probably made it worse. It was in the past now.

Still, I took Twilight’s letter and eagerly tore it open with thoughts about getting back in touch running my mind.

As I read through it, my heart sank and sank. I remember laughing because I just didn’t know what to think of it at the time. Looking back, that probably would have painted me a psychopath, but I don’t think it really mattered. What mattered was the letter, and my making sure it wasn’t the sickest joke on planet.

I think I broke a few flying ordinances on my way to Twilight, but I didn’t give a flying feather.

---

I anxiously pounded on her door a few times. A few grueling moments passed and I pounded again. I considered breaking in through the window and blaming it on messing up a trick like I had done so many times before. I wasn’t really in the mood to wait for information.

If Twilight didn’t answer her door right then, I probably would have torn her a new one in the ceiling. Twilight looked like a trainwreck. Her mane was a mess, her eyes were bloodshot, and she was sobbing quietly. It was clear she hadn’t slept in a few days. Seeing her led me to the conclusion that she had to be a really, impossibly good actor, because that letter wasn’t allowed to be true.

“Rainbow...” she squeaked.

I held the letter up to her in my mouth.

“T-this ith a jokthe, rigth...?” I said. I dropped it and continued to stare into her broken eyes. “Please, Twi, tell me this is some kind of stupid joke.

“N-no, i-it’s not....” she stammered before falling into my arms and sobbing deeply in my shoulder.

I held her and squeezed her tightly, letting the shock wear off. The unicorn’s howls and wails actually got louder, evident of something that was getting more and more damaged by the second. I was on the same boat as her. Of all the things I never imagined happening, this was one of them.

After a few moments, it began to hit me. The onset was slow, steady, and unending. It only got worse, and even after I thought I couldn’t be sadder, I got worse. I could feel my eyes getting wet and my lungs beginning to contract rapidly. I was about to cry like a huge wuss, but I think the situation called for it.

“H-how did this happen...?” I choked. A few tears surfaced, but I wiped them away quickly and sniffled up some snot.

“S-she c-came to a-all of us...” Twilight replied. She pulled me inside and closed the door. It went without saying, we’d rather cry in privacy than out in the open.

“I-i know— but how did it happen?! We were all here for her!” I cried.

Twilight broke down and fell to the floor of the library. “I ignored her!” she wailed. “I just thought she was being sensitive! I didn’t think anything more of it! And then she kept avoiding us and I didn’t do anything!”

“Where is she? Take me to her!”

---

Instead of seeing Fluttershy, I got to see a doctor.

“So, the patient—”

“Fluttershy, her name is Fluttershy, pal,” I butted in.

He wrinkled his nose in obvious annoyance, but didn’t look up from his clipboard. “She can’t have any visitors, she’s in a very delicate condition.”

I considered knocking down the door myself to get to her. Fluttershy apparently hadn’t had a very good month. I learned that two days ago she was found in a pool of her own blood, her legs slit up their length. Next to her was an empty jar and a few white pills.

She had tried to kill herself and not a single, stupid pony knew why.

“What do you mean I can’t see her?!” I shouted.

“Ms. Dash, if you want your friend to recover, I suggest that you lower your voice. Startling her might put her back into critical condition.”

I ground my teeth against each other.  

“I think she needs to see her friends,” I seethed.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in. Right now, she’s stable, but considering the amount of aspirin in her system, and the effects of an overdose, she needs quiet and calm.”

I think it took every fiber of my being to prevent myself from decking the guy in the face. He probably didn’t deserve it, but Fluttershy didn’t deserve to be alone. If it was me in there, I wouldn’t get better until I saw my friends.

“Fine, but you keep her alive. I saved your life before, and I’m calling that debt back.”

I knocked, pushing out of my way stomped out and went back to the waiting room.

---

I spent two long days in that waiting room. The others came and went, but I was the only one who stayed the entire time. I found myself reading pamphlets and foal’s books to pass the time. I came to read one about choices for funeral homes over and over again. All I could think was how sick it was to put this sort of reading next to ponies who might be in her position.

Images of Fluttershy in a casket forced their way into my mind, and I struggled to forced them back out. I couldn’t believe what had happened.

Why? Why did she try to kill herself? How come I didn’t do anything for her?

I had the chance to make it better for her. I remembered how she hung in midair for just a second. She wanted me to follow her, and I stayed up on my cloud. I let myself forget about her, thinking that someone else would do something.

“She freaking waited for me,” I swore under my breath.

“She freaking waited for me!” I shouted to myself. “And you know what I did? Nothing! I was the dumb idiot who just sits around and watches bad things happen without acting!”

One of the nurses heard me shouting and came over to check on me. “Ms. Dash?”

“It’s my fault! I could have saved her!”

“Dash, I’m sorry but you did your best—”

“No, I didn’t!”

I collapsed down on the plastic chair I’d been living in for the past two days and finally let myself go. Everything that had happened to her—her pain and suffering—I could have ended it all if I’d shown her how much I care. If I’d just given her the time of day.

It must have been hours that I lay there as a wreck, finally struggling to sort out my emotions, when I noticed the nurse get up and the hoofsteps of a doctor approaching.

When I looked up at the doctor, he immediately looked away from my gaze. “Ms. Dash. . .”

---

It had been two months since I’d last seen Fluttershy, and even now as I was searching a burning building for a missing filly she was all I could think about. I had thrown myself into my work with the Wonderbolts, more determined than ever to make a difference. And yet, you can’t choose when to have a disaster so you can be a hero, you can only wait for an opportunity to present itself and seize it.

I finally found the filly cowering under the stairs of her house. I coaxed her out and put her onto my back as a rafter fell from the ceiling, narrowly missing us. I hurried to the nearest window and could feel my feathers and fur getting singed from the heat of the fire.

Once I made it to the ground I gave the filly to her worried mother and watched them hug. For once the hollow platitudes I usually recited weren’t enough. I knelt down and joined them in a hug, and didn’t gloat or bask in her praise for saving her filly. Instead, I just told her how lucky she was to have such an amazing mother, and how happy I was to have helped them out.

Soarin had walked over once we were done, having finished helping the firefighters put out the blaze. “Glad to see you doing better, Dash.”

“It's a start, Soarin. That filly makes one.”

---