“Where in the hell are all these vampires coming from?”

Before Celestia could answer Rayne’s question, Rayne had dismembered the skull of one particularly hungry bloodsucker, and then shoved the vampire’s head into the cranial area of his comrade. Needless to say, the gore levels were off the charts, and Rayne lapped up every drop that fell on her.

“Well, guess my popularity speaks for itself once again,” Celestia said. She ducked to the right, narrowly avoiding a white-skinned cretin with wickedly sharp black claws and bloody red chompers. Luckily for her, Rayne chopped it’s head right in two with a quick swipe of her blades.

Rayne leaped in the air and spun around in an arcing circle, her blades slicing through the air in a cyclone of death and incredibly sharp metal. At the end of her spin she left behind a trail of limbs and headless corpses, thus clearing the halls in one bloody instant.

Celestia whistled at the feat, the slightly headless vampire behind her still running around like a headless chicken. “Impressive.”

“I’ve been doing this for a long time. Once you get at it, you start making your killing sprees more… flashy.” Rayne grinned, her perfect pearly white teeth now coated in the blood of her enemies, which in fact made them appear more pinkish than anything else.

“I can certainly see that. Along with where all these vampires are coming from.” Celestia pointed towards the bloody trail leading out of the halls. “From my guess, it’s the gardens.”

“A sizeable force of vampires could certainly be grouped there.”

“More like an entire army,” Celestia said.

Rayne flicked the remaining blood off the ends of her weapons. “Then we haven’t a moment to lose. You ready to take down a bloodsucking army?”

“Suuuuuuure.” Celestia drew back the bolt on her crossbow, a clove of garlic at its end instead of a fine point. “We’ll still go for coffee after this, right?”

“Totally.”

“Sweeeeeet.”

“OH BY THE GODS IT HAS MY EYE! MY EYYYYYYYYYYE!”

Nameless and Luna stood to the side, staring with shared perplexion at the scene before them.

“Huh,” Nameless grunted.

“That’s… certainly an odd sight,” Luna added.

“Really, I didn’t see this coming.”

“Neither did I.”

“Weird, isn’t it?”

“Quite.”

“I mean, I certainly never expected to see something like this in my entire immortal lifetime.”

“I can definitely chalk this up as the strangest situation I’ve ever been a part of.”

“Really now?”

“Well, I mean, just look at it.”

“Hmmm… good point, good point.”

“GUYS!” Morte shrieked, just as the bunny ripped out his other eye. “A LITTLE HELP HERE FROM THIS HELLSPAWN!”

The bunny had appeared out of nowhere when the trio had been running down the halls, and in a matter of moments had pounced upon Morte in a merciless attack. Morte was certainly in a considerable amount of pain, but from any onlooker, it appeared quite hilarious to witness a floating skull getting his ass (metaphorically) kicked by a demonic bunny.

“Fine, fine,” Nameless said, reaching for his axe strapped to his back, “let me handle the beast.”

Just as Nameless approached the bunny, it threw Morte to the side and jumped at him, its fanged teeth poised to sink into his skin. In only a matter of seconds Nameless was disarmed, bitten, thrown against the ground, and finally crashed against the wall in a bonecrushing landing.

Luna arched a brow and grinned a tiny smile as Nameless lay moaning and Morte returned to screaming when the bunny set back on abusing his poor skeletal form. “Well, it looks like ‘Bunnicula’ is too much for you boys to handle, huh?”

“AGGGGGGGGGH MY TEETH! I NEED THOSE FOR EATING! WAIT, NO, NOT THE TONG—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!”

“I can’t feel my legs,” Nameless whispered. Looking across his body, he noticed both his legs had been ripped off from Bunnicula’s great strength. “Oh, well, that explains it.”

Luna’s horn lit up with a magic flare, and she took a defensive maneuver while inching closer and closer to Bunnicula. “Guess I’ll have to show the two of you how it’s done.”

Bunnicula immediately released Morte, much to the skull’s relief, and stared at Luna with its two little bloody red eyes. It had a snow-white coat, other than the black coloring that appeared similar to a cowl and cape against its back. “Heh, you actually do look a bit like Dracula.”

Bunnicula wiggled its nose, its whiskers twitching in a very adorable manner.

Luna straightened her back, bashing her eyes at the very cute little monster. “Awww, you’re not evil at all, are you?”

“I’M STILL BLIND OVER HERE!”

“Oh man, my legs are all the way across the hall. It’s gonna take me forever to crawl to them.”

Luna made some kissing noises and tapped her hoof on the flood. “C’mere little bunny. Don’t be shy.”

Hesitantly, Bunnicula hopped forward, slowly approaching Luna.

“There, there, what a cute little bunny. Aren’t you? Aren’t you just the cutest little—SHIT IT’S IN MY HAIR! AGGGGGGGGH IT’S SCALPING ME! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOOOOOOOOOFF!”

Deadpool and Fluttershy walked side by side into the throng of vampires ensembled in the gardens. There were vampires from all walks of life: from the extremely pretty to the extremely grotesque, from the bloodsuckers to the heart-eaters, from the cursed to the cursed with awesome, and so much more. But instead of tearing apart the duo, the vampire crowd immediately avoided even touching the pair.

“Uh… Deadpool. Why aren’t we dead yet?” Fluttershy asked. She was shivering worse than a tree in a hurricane and could hardly stare in the eye of any of these monsters, but still managed to stand by Deadpool’s side.

“Oh, they’re probably scared of what I got in my sack.”

“...What?”

“This one,” Deadpool said, pointing to the overburdened duffel bag strapped to his bag. “Oh, also something about my blood being extremely toxic to vampires.”

“Really?”

“Well, it was to Dracula, and that guy was a dick.”

The duo stopped at the stairs leading up to the throne of darkness, skulls, and general evil tendencies where there was seated an individual encased in shadows and ill intent. Although, the darkness was mostly from the poor lighting the area received.

“Yo, you the Big V?” Deadpool called out.

The seated individual rose up and spread out his hands. “Why yes, I am. Who do I have the pleasure of addressing?”

Deadpool dropped his duffel bag to the ground, striking a heroic pose atop it. Fluttershy just cowered in his shadow. “D-to-the-e-then-add-an-a-and-another-d-with-a-pool! Deadpool!”

“Never heard of you.”

“What, seriously?” Deadpool asked.

“Yep.”

“Oh, c’mon! I’m the Merc with a Mouth! Ninja Spider-Man! Talkingman! Regenerating Degenerate! Evil Evil Man! Heck, even Tom Cruise!”

“Wait, you’re Tom Cruise?”

Deadpool snapped his fingers. “Aha! So you have heard about me!”

The shadowy figure crossed his arms. “Okay, I’ve grown bored with this back and forth already. If you don’t have anything interesting to say, you die. If you do have something interesting to say, then say it so I can kill you once you’re done.”

“So if I keep on talking you won’t kill me, right?”

“Oh for the love of God, no.”

“Then I have only this to say!” Deadpool lifted up his duffel bag and pointed it at the shadowy figure. “I, Deadpool, have come here to slay you, Alucard! Prepare for your death, for I assure you, you’ll end up in a pool of your own blood, dead!” Deadpool leaned down to Fluttershy and whispered, “Shy, write that line down. It was gold!”

“Sorry to say—actually, not really at all—I’m not Alucard. For it was not Alucard who set all the vampires against Celestia in the first place. It was not Alucard who invaded this castle with his own personal army. It was not Alucard who was behind this entire series of events and killed Dracula himself.”

From the shadows stepped forth in much better lighting a blonde man in what is perhaps the baggiest pants Deadpool had ever seen, with the most flamboyantly fruity outfit he’s ever seen either (and being in a world just filled with ridiculous costumes, that’s certainly saying something).

“It was me, Dio!” Dio said, pointing to himself and cackling madly.

Deadpool reached into one of his dozens of pockets and pulled out the note Count Chocula had written for him using his own blood. Noticing an arrow pointing to the other side, Deadpool flipped the bloody scrap of paper over and read it: “Just kidding. It was Dio all along. Go fuck yourself.”

“Uh… Deadpool, is this bad?” Fluttershy asked, her voice nearly drowned out in the collective laughing from all the vampires who had joined in with their master.

“Nah, of course not. We’re gonna be fine,” Deadpool assured her. “When in all actuality, the weapon I had been intending to use against Alucard is completely useless against Dio, and thus we both shall most likely die a horrifically bloody and gruesome death.”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. “Wh-what?”

“Oh, whoops, forgot to keep that in a thought bubble,” Deadpool said. “But yeah, we’re probably gonna die now.”

“R-really?”

“Well, not unless a miracle conveniently happens in the next twelve seconds that saves us at the very last moment from danger.”

Deadpool waited the allotted time, in which nothing happened except the vampires growing quiet and fixing him and Fluttershy with murderous glares of hunger and gluttonous lust.

“Oh, well, shit, this hella sucks.”

Author's Notes: