Celestia stared at her date with a careful eye. She didn’t even bother to sip from her drink, which was a rare event indeed for any time Celestia decides to go on another ridiculous soiree with a suitor. For a change of pace—and because most restaurants were fearful to even let her within their doors—Celestia had chosen this date in the castle’s dining hall, where a small ball over some asinine as usual noble party was being thrown. Instead of the usual stuck-up aristocrat sticking their nose into her business to suck-up to her, none dared even approach her.

Of course, her date might just be that reason. Dressed in the blackest of silk that absorbed all light that struck it with a crimson crown atop her head in adorned splendidly, her date carried an aura of elegance and an almost deadly beauty around her.

“Why, my sweet, you seem to be quiet this evening,” Lolth said in a purring, sophisticated voice that practically dripped with a sickly sweet honey. Her face looked to be carved from the finest stone by the gods themselves, feature perfectly cut and beautiful in each and every way. Sipping her own wine with blood red lips, Lolth smiled, fangs peeking through. “Is something the matter?”

Celestia shook her head, poking at her dish with a fork. “Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just thinking.”

Lolth parted a pristine white lock of hair behind her pointed ear. “And what would be that, my sweet? What are you thinking about in your pretty, pretty head?”

“The usual. Like how I’m getting the biggest creep vibe from you, currently.” Celestia poked her food again, a spider crawling out of the mashed potatoes. “Oh, and ever since we sat down I’ve been finding spiders crawling through my dish in an infestation.”

A noble on the dance floor cried out. Arachnids of all shapes, sizes, and disgustity were crawling through her hair, descending like rain from the ceiling. Her cries were joined by others as spiders poured out of the floorboards like a river, crawling and jumping on the bodies of Canterlot’s elite like hotcakes. Before too long, all the ponies in the room were either rolling on the floor to dislodge the unwanted arachnid invasion, or passed out from sheer and utter panic.

“That too,” Celestia added.

“Oh, deary me,” Lolth said, holding a dainty claw to her lips. “It seems I just can’t control myself when I’m excited.”

Celestia sighed. “It appears so.” Turning back to Lolth, Celestia asked, “So, Lolth, I presume you’re some type of god of spiders, correct?”

“The drow, actually. A subspecies of elves that tend to be on… let’s say, the darker side of life. I am but the Queen of Spiders.” Lolth giggled, sipping her wine. “I must say, you’re quite astute, my sweet.”

“You tend to become that when you start dating as many immortals as I have,” Celestia replied. “Now, this is just a vague at best guess, and correct if I’m wrong, but are you evil? Like, extremely and totally obsessed with the dark side type of evil?”

Lolth tapped her chin with a claw and hummed under her breath. “Correct again, my sweet. How did you know?”

“Preeeeeeeeeeetty unusual for the Queen of Spiders to be anything but evil,” Celestia pointed out. “Plus, you calling me your ‘sweet’ all the time makes me pretty certain you wanted to eat me.”

“Correct again, my… dear.” Lolth finished off the rest of her wine, wiping a pale claw over her crimson red lips. “I am a chaotic deity that revels in all things evil. Which is why spiders have such an appeal to me.”

Celestia slapped her forehead with a hoof. “Oh great, not another chaos god!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Did you know a guy named Discord back in college?”

Lolth’s smile quickly transformed into a snarl. “Discord? Discord? That sniveling worm! I dated that jerk for two centuries, and what did he do? Broke it off with me on graduation! Why, if I ever got my fangs on him…” Lolth’s bottom half exploded in a mess of spider legs that broke her chair and the table, crushing the furniture into splinters. “I’ll rip out his throat!”

Celestia backed away from the mess and nodded her head sadly. “Yeah, I kind of guessed that. Though, I turned him into stone instead.”

Lolth was still burning with anger, but temporarily it was doused by Celestia’s comment, and before too long the vicious spider demon goddess… lady, was laughing. “Stone? Is that so. Not a particularly enjoyable end to that sniveling dog for my liking, but I presume it must have been amusing to see him frozen in defeat each day.”

“It was even funnier the second time,” Celestia admitted with a grin.

Lolth smirked. “Well, well, well, aren’t we the devious beauty?” Looking around at the utter cataclysm and spiders ruining hairdos and fine clothing all around, Lolth shrugged. “I suppose I’ve put you in quite a pickle right now.”

“Oh no, it’s fine. The nobles need to be roughed up every once in a while so that they don’t become too much of a bore.”

“Quite right,” Lolth agreed. Lolth scratched the back of her neck and coughing under her breath. “Any enemy of Discord is a friend of mine, so, I guess I should apologize for planning to feast on you.”

“Hey, think of it as no bother.” Celestia looked over her shoulder to the exit. “In fact, you want to go out for a drink? I think I need it.”

Lolth smiled wide, her arachnid fangs peeking out from her jaws. “I’d love to!”

“You can’t eat anyone.”

“Awwwwwww.”

Luna burst through the bar doors, pointing her magical horn fully charged at anyone moving. “Celestia, are you alright? I did background checks and found out that Lolth is a blood-sucking psychopath demon goddess! Where are you?”

“Whooo-hooo!” Celestia called out, waving her hoof. She was seated at the front bar with Lolth at her side. Downing another shot glass, ponies all around cheered, Lolth quickly following her, both their cheeks red from excitement and excessive intake of cheap liquors.

Luna approached the two, her jaw hanging low while her eyes were wide. “Dear sister, what do you think you’re doing? Lolth is evil! Pure and unfiltered malice in a body of woe and hatred! And you’re… taking kamikaze shots with her?”

“Talking about kamikaze…” Lolth slammed another shot glass in front of Celestia and quickly drank her own. “How about another?”

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah!” Celestia ignored Luna and engulfed her shot in just one slurp.

“Sister, are you drunk?” Luna asked.

Celestia blinked, finally noticing that Luna was beside her. “What, me, drunk? Nah, I’m cool, I’m cool.” Celestia turned and smacked her lips against Lolth’s, their tongues mashing together in a warm, wet, passionate kiss as they moaned and groped one another. Breaking away with a trail of saliva on her lips while still holding onto Lolth, Celestia said, “Now I’m hot!”

As Celestia and Lolth returned to their quickly becoming mature rated makeout session as stallions everywhere cheered and cried tears of joy, Luna’s left eye twitched as her eyes stared off somewhere in the unknown distance.

“Yep, I’m definitely gonna need therapy now,” Luna whispered. “So, so much therapy!”

Author's Notes:

Bonus chapter later today to make up for the missed updates. Thank you for your patience!