The sound of a certain pegasus and dragon cackling as they fled only served to anger Harry more as he sprinted after them, shouting threats and promises of pain and humiliation at the duo as he weaved through the Ponyville Square, dodging ponies, stands and crates in his quest to exact vengeance.

The shaving cream trick? Fine, all fun and games. It was a nice beginner’s level trick, the product of the mind of a juvenile drake. That he could deal with. But the added cold shower, courtesy of Rainbow Dash and a cloud was most definitely not cool!

When Harry caught the two of them, ooooh there would be much suffering!

In most towns, both human and equine, this might have been annoying, but to the locals, it was just another bit of their own special brand of craziness that made Ponyville, well, Ponyville.

“Better run, Spike!” Vinyl called through her laughter. “The big guy’s on your tail!”

“Watch out, Rainbow! He’s got that magic stick out!” Flitter and Cloud Chaser warned their Weather Team captain.

“Go Harry!” Derpy paused her devouring of Sugarcube Corner’s muffins to cheer from her seat next to the Doctor, who seemed torn between amusement and getting into the chase himself.

The reasons for this scene didn’t matter; it was something to break the normality of the morning, to get the town going. So, ponies laughed and picked sides, some even making wagers on whether or not the newcomer would be able to catch the temporary draco-pegasus alliance.

Harry lunged for the little drake, who swiftly ducked and rolled out of the way, changing direction quicker than the much larger human could follow. The teen crashed into the flower stall, wincing in pain and grumbling an apology to the startled mare – Roseluck, if he remembered correctly – before raising his wand and taking aim at Spike.

“Tarentallegra!” He growled, flicking a bolt of magic at the dragon’s back, smirking as Spike let out a yelp of surprise as his legs began dancing a furious jig on their own accord.

The tiny drake tried to bring his limbs under control, but to no avail! “What the – Woah! – what the hay did you do to me?”

“You seemed so pleased with yourself, I just thought you might like to do a little dance,” Harry quipped as he strode by the panting dragon, nimbly stepping out of the way of an angry swipe of those tiny claws and flicking one of the fins on his head. “Really, Spike, I thought Twilight taught you better than to claw at someone like that!” He teased, thoroughly enjoying the first part of his revenge.

“I’ll – Ack! – Get you for this!”

His threats only made Harry laugh harder, much to the young drake’s irritation. “Maybe, but for now, I have to take care of Rainbow Dash next!” Just as he finished, Harry ducked as Ponyville’s speed demon went flying over his head.

“HA! I’d pay to see that!” Dash taunted as she banked and readied herself for another run at her fuzzy-topped victim. She hovered in place, reveling in the thrill of the fight, her blood pumping as she watched the young wizard level his wand at her. “C’mon, fuzzy! Bring it!”

Harry was many things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Rainbow could avoid his spells as long as she wanted, hell she could just toy with him until she got bored or he tired out. In short, he was on a time limit; he needed to make her come to him.

Fortunately, if there was one thing he’d learned about Rainbow Dash, it was that she couldn’t back down from a challenge, no matter how foolish or juvenile it might be.

Or whether she’d actually been challenged to begin with…

“Pretty big talk for a pony whose waaaay over there!” He teased, giving a look of disappointment. “Looks to me like you’re scared to come over and actually do something, Dash.”

Rainbow sputtered indignantly. “I’m not scared!” She cried pointing a hoof at him. “I’ll come over there, knock that wand away and tie you up like a fuzzy-topped pretzel!”

“I hear an awful lot of talking, but not a lot of doing!” He shot back, knowing that the over competitive mare was rapidly nearing her breaking point.

“I’m warning you –“

“Unless, of course, you’re chicken.” Everything in the square came to an immediate halt, as ponies gawked at the smirking human. Almost in unison, the townsponies came to a silent conclusion, which Vinyl managed to sum up quite nicely:

“Oh, sweet Celestia, he’s dead.”

The reaction wasn’t immediate; it took Rainbow’s brain a moment or two to actually process the fact that those words had actually passed Harry’s lips. Her wings twitched in agitation, her ears pinned back and her grin melted into a snarl.

With a roar of righteous fury, Rainbow shot at him, leaving a multi-colored trail behind her as she aimed to teach a certain upstart human a lesson he’d not soon forget. In her anger, she wasn’t paying swerving or dipping, instead opting for a direct path, hooves outstretched as she aimed to tackle him in the chest.

Just as Harry knew she would.

Smirking, our favorite raven-haired wizard fired off a body-bind spell, a taunt on his lips as he prepared to gloat over his fallen adversary and speculate over what humiliation to bring upon her.

Of course, that was the plan, but Harry had forgotten one rather important bit of information about Rainbow Dash…

Which he realized just as she easily adjusted her flight pattern so his spell went just over her shoulder, without missing a wing beat or losing speed.

… She was a stunt flyer; near-impossible acrobatic feats were kind of her thing.

Harry gulped, realizing that he’d just made a grave error, and began rapidly firing off a random series of spells: body-binds, incarceration spells, tickling charms, stunners, even a minor color changing charm! Anything that might throw her off balance or distract the oncoming cyan bullet long enough for him to turn and leg it as if Satan himself were on his tail.

Actually, one could argue that an enraged Rainbow Dash fit the bill quite nicely…

Nothing was working! She was too adept at dodging the brightly colored bursts of magic, likely a result of fleeing after pranking Twilight and Rarity. What he needed was something that she forced her to take it on the muzzle or dodge and ruin her pattern. Something like that big force field Rarity had thrown up to protect him yesterday!

Unfortunately, Harry’s arsenal was rather lacking in the “wide area” category. Well, unless he overpowered an Aguamenti charm and sprayed her down. Hmm, now there was an idea with merit: improvise, escape and enjoy a bit of revenge against the very mare who’d given him a wakeup call with a rain cloud.

Yeah, that was definitely happening!

With a wicked grin, Harry flicked his wand at the oncoming mare and shouted. “Aguamenti!” Releasing a powerful jet of water aimed at Rainbow’s face.

“What the –“ It was enough to break through Rainbow’s enraged state, which gave way to shock as she sped towards the rushing water. She hesitated a moment before she finally realized that she had to pull up or be thrown back and fully drenched!

That split-second hesitation was all it took for her clean getaway to an all-to-familiar sight for the citizens of Ponyville… and Harry, for that matter.

While she managed to avoid the full force of the water jet, it did manage to clip her front hooves, sending her tumbling through the air!

At this point, Harry realized that he’d made yet another error in judgment: yes, his oh-so-brilliant plan to avoid being broken in half by Rainbow Dash, but he made the mistake of ignoring certain laws of physics. Specifically, he had forgotten about Sir Isaac Newton, your friend and mine.

Since an object in motion stays in motion unless met with equal and opposite force, Rainbow Dash was still hurdling through the air. Granted, wind resistance and the force of the water that had clipped her served to slow her down, but neither were enough to change the direction she was travelling.

The result of this lapse of judgment and gross underestimating of Newton’s Laws – along with his ignorance that only a certain party pony got to ignore Sir Isaac – was made plainly clear to Harry when he was suddenly met with a rather wet mare’s head hitting him in the chest, driving the wind out of him and sending the duo tumbling through the street for the second time since their initial meeting.

“Ooooh, Celestia and Luna, my head!”

“Bloody Merlin’s beard, that hurt!”

Human and pony groaned in pain, pushing themselves up into seated positions and untangling as their bodies made their objections known.

“Damn, you alright, Dash?” Harry wheezed, struggling to get his breath back.

The mare shook her head to clear the cobwebs, turning to look at the blurry form of her bipedal friend. “Ugh, yeah, I’m good, dude. Soaked and feeling like I just tried to headbutt a tree, but good. How’s your ribs?”

“Curved in and touching my spine, I think.”

“Heh, yeah, that was stupid of –“ Rainbow trailed off, her gaze locked on something a few feet to Harry’s right.

The boy fixed her with a quizzical look, turning his head to see what had drawn the daredevil’s attention. What he saw nearly stopped his heart.

His wand. The collision had knocked his wand out of his hand, leaving it in the dirt just a few feet away from where he sat.

Harry slowly turned back to Dash, beginning to sweat. A wicked grin seemed to split her muzzle. He’d never make it to his wand; Rainbow was still practically on top of him, easily within range to pounce on him and pin his limbs so she could enact vengeance of her choice.

And, if tradition held, Harry had a distinct feeling that those pegasus wings would be used for Rainbow’s preferred torture method.

Chuckling nervously, the wizard edged himself back, trying to create a bit of distance between himself and his winged tormentor. With each shift backwards, Rainbow took a step forward, looming over him with a predatory grin and wings flared out, making herself seem bigger and more threatening.

The pegasus narrowed her eyes, taking great pleasure in drawing this out as long as possible. After all, what good was a bit of payback if she didn’t have a little fun with it? “So, what was that you called me, Harry?” She hummed, feigning ignorance. “I could’ve sworn I heard you say something about me being a chicken.”

“N-No! Never!” Harry stammered, blatantly lying in hopes that he’d think of something to help him get away. “Really, why ever would I say that?”

“Hmmm, not sure. I mean you’d have to have a death wish if you said that about me. Am I right?” Another shift back, another step forward.

The boy nodded furiously. “Oh, definitely, whoever said that must’ve been… well, I can’t even begin to describe it! Good thing it wasn’t me!”

“I dunno,” she said, bringing a hoof to her chin in a mock thinking pose. “It sounded an awful lot like your voice; even had that funny accent of yours.” Rainbow suppressed an evil cackle as the retreating human’s face took on an expression that seemed to be a cross between indignation and horror. Celestia’s feathers, he really was too fun to wind up! “You say it wasn’t you, but I think it was. So how’re we gonna settle this?”

She was definitely milking this for all it was worth, but could anypony really blame her at this point?

Harry was, of course, in a place he’d most certainly rather not be! Disarmed and at the mercy of the quick-hooved (and winged, for that matter) Rainbow Dash wasn’t about to work out in his favor.

Sure, Wood made the Gryffindor Quidditch team run a couple of laps to warm up at practice, but the majority of their exercises were more strategic and took place in the air.

That being said, wrestling with Rainbow Dash, a mare as rough-and-tumble athletic as you could possibly get, was just a bit out of his depth. If he tried, she’d pin him just as fast as he could cast a spell. And if she pinned him…

Yeah, there was no doubt what she’d do once she had him at her mercy. Wrestling Rainbow wasn’t exactly fair when she had two certain feathery advantages on him.

What Harry needed was a distraction! Something to catch her eye and draw her attention long enough for him to slip away, or at least make a run for his wand. It didn’t take an alchemist to figure out that Rainbow’s attention was constantly drawn to whatever she deemed ‘cool’ or ‘radical’ or whatever her word choice for the day was!

The problem was finding something that was superior in ‘coolness’ to tormenting him!

So far, there wasn’t much around to help in that regard. Just Spike, who’d now fallen over and was trying to get his flailing legs under control, a few snickering ponies and…

“PONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY –“

Emerald eyes met cerise, this time giving matching confused looks. “Does that sound –“ Harry began.

“-Like Pinkie? Yeah, but – OOF!” Rainbow’s legs suddenly buckled as additional weight on her back drove her forehead into his stomach, sending the air rushing out of his lungs!

“- PILE!” The aforementioned party pony shook with laughter as she pinned her victims beneath her, ignoring her rainbow-maned friend’s muffled curses. “That was fun! Let’s do it again! Let’s do it again!”

“Please, no!” Harry wheezed, desperately gasping for air. “I think you’ve crushed my ribs!”

“Aww, don’t be such a little colt, Harry! And, hey! Didn’t Rainbow teach you not to make fun of a mare’s weight?”

Oh, great.

“Yfff! Teshh ‘um uh refffle, Rikle!” Rainbow said through a mouthful of Harry’s shirt.

“What’s that, Dashie?”

“Blegh! I said ‘Yeah! Teach him a lesson, Pinkie!’”

“Oh! Okay!” Pinkie cheered, but stopped short, bringing a hoof to her chin in thought. “Hmmm, but if I do that, it’d be like a running gag, and if that kept going, it would be like we were falling into a rut! And if there’s one thing that Pinkamena Diane Pie does not like, it’s ruts!”

Understandably perplexed, Harry and Rainbow shared a look. “So….”

“There’s only one way to solve this!” The incomprehensible pony declared as she reached into her mane and began rooting around for something. Just as her captive audience was ready to question her, Pinkie pulled her hoof from her mane, revealing a bucket filled with brightly colored water balloons.

“Oh, hay no!” Rainbow groaned, furiously trying to get out from in between her friends.

Pinkie cackled. “Ohoho, yes, Dashie! You’re gonna get extra super wet for leaving me out of a prank this morning!”

“Hey!” That was why she was gonna soak Dash? Hardly an objective third party, if you asked Harry.

“Sorry, Harry-berry, but them’s the breaks!”

Pinkie’s chatter was cut off by a rather irritated sounding “Ahem” courtesy of Applejack, who cantered towards the pile of limbs with a look of exasperation on her muzzle. “Ah’m gonna have ta ask that ya hold off on that, Pinkie,” she drawled, ignoring the groan of disappointment from the mare. Instead, Applejack turned her gaze on her daredevil friend and snorted. “Ya were supposed ta bring him ta Sweet Apple Acres, ya dolt! Not lead him on a chase ‘round the town!”

“I was gonna bring him… eventually,” she looked a bit sheepish as she admitted the last portion, earning an eye roll from the country pony. “Hey! He’s the one who started chasing me and Spike around after we gave him a wake up call!”

Harry, having managed to free one of his arms from the tangle of limbs, flicked her ear in protest. “You two put shaving cream in my face and dumped rainwater on me!”

“Ha! Yeah, and you screamed like a little filly!”

“I missed that? Ooooh, Dashie, you’re really gonna get it this time! I’ll dye your mane neon pink! I’ll tell Rarity that you wanna model for her! I’ll make up a really silly song about you!”

As comical as Pinkie’s threats sounded, Harry noticed that Rainbow’s efforts to escape grew more frantic with each one, an expression of utter mortification crossing her face. So she didn’t like anything pink or girly and hated silly songs about her? Well, he’d just have to file that away for later.

Reluctantly, Pinkie got off of them, grumbling about missed pranks and things that rhymed with “Rainbow,” finally allowing Harry and Rainbow to untangle and stand up again.

Though she didn’t seem ready to tackle him again, Harry kept his eye on the prismatic mare as he retrieved his wand, ready to fire off a tickling charm or a body bind spell if she tried.

No hint of movement so far, Rainbow was too busy trying to beg Pinkie not to make songs about her, offering nearly anything to be spared the utter humiliation of something “so completely uncool” involving her name.

Good. Now, just sneak over and –

“HARRY! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, MAKE IT STOOOOOP!”

Damn it, Spike. Harry turned to give a sarcastic ‘thanks’ for blowing his cover, but his glare turned to a wince of sympathy.

The poor drake had fallen on his back, legs still kicking in the air, looking as though he’d just been forced to run a mile while carrying a load of bricks through the desert. Sweat poured down his scales as he frantically tried to pin his own legs to the ground, but to no avail.

“Oh, bollocks! Sorry! Sorry!” Mentally slapping himself, Harry snatched his wand and quickly ended the jinx. Immediately, Spike’s legs stopped kicking and fell limply to the ground as the tiny dragon gasped for breath. Harry rushed over and knelt down next to him, and was quickly joined by the trio of mares. “Didn’t mean for you to be stuck under that for so long,” he apologized.

“’m…. fine…” Came the gasping reply, coupled with an exhausted glare through jade green eyes. “Gonna get you for that.”

“Hey! I said I was sorry! I didn’t exactly plan for this to happen!”

“Still gonna get you. Somehow. Once I figure it out,” Slowly, Spike pushed himself up, wincing slightly as his leg muscles seemed to scream in protest with every movement. “And now, I get to help Twilight tear the library apart to look for anything on magical contracts. I so blame you for this!”

Though relieved that the young dragon wasn’t too irritated, judging by his wisecracking, Harry rolled his eyes. “Yes, because I asked to enter the tournament and set my alarm clock to shaving cream and rain cloud.”

“Wow! Your clock has that setting too?” Four heads turned to give Pinkie the blankest of expressions. “What?”

“Never mind.” Some questions were best left unanswered.

Spike turned on his heel and marched away, shaking his head. “Yeah, that’s my cue to leave. See you at dinner, Harry! Well, if you can walk by the time they’re done with you!”

“Yeah, bye – wait, what?” The drake’s wicked grin gave Harry some pause as he considered the implications, his brain slowly putting together the puzzle pieces.

From Applejack’s irritation that they hadn’t brought him by the farm, to Rainbow’s admittance that she’d deviated – slightly – from the plan, and now to Spike’s rather thinly veiled hint, Harry’s equine friends had something in the works for him.

And if the looks Applejack and Rainbow were giving him were any indication…

“So… what exactly are we doing again?”

Their matching smirks were anything but reassuring.

---

And those smirks had persisted, even after Applejack and Rainbow Dash had lead him through the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres, across the field and towards the barn; if anything, those smirks had bypassed wicked, skipped over evil, and gone straight to “Run, stupid, run” territory.

To make matters worse, no matter how much he pestered them, no matter how much he pled with them to just come out and say what they had in mind for him, neither had budged.

That Applejack’s little facial ticks and Rainbow’s typical gloating were both absent, spoke volumes for just what they had planned for him. They had this thought out and were resolute.

Harry would have literally no idea what hit him right up until they set him on whatever course or gave him some sort of crazy workout and said “Have fun.”

As Fred and George might say, he was “well and truly buggered.”

“Come on, girls!” Okay, so perhaps he hadn’t quite resigned himself to his fate. Harry, having realized that he was rapidly approaching his inevitable doom with every step towards the barn, decided that there was no shame in begging like a child wanting sweets.

“Do ya always whine when somepony keeps a secret?”

“I’m not whining!” He refuted, only to be met with dual deadpan expressions.

“Dude, I’ve gone on record calling Rarity the champion whiner of Ponyville,” Dash began. “But, right now, I’d say you’re taking a shot at the title.”

To Harry’s growing indignation, Applejack nodded in agreement. “Ah second that motion and move that we bring this up at next meetin’.”

“Motion carries, Miss Apple.”

“You two are hilarious. Real comedians, the pair of you. Now, seriously, what have you got planned?”

“Ain’t nopony ever told ya that patience is a virtue, colt?” Applejack replied sternly. Ignoring the sputtering human, she opened the barn door and slipped inside. “Rainbow, get in here and gimme a hoof with this!”

“Yeah, yeah, keep your hat on, cowpony!”

Harry felt a weight lifted off his shoulders; helping out at the barn? That was a relief. What? They thought he couldn’t handle a bit of manual labor? Please.

Shaking his head, he made to step inside, but a cyan wing stopped barred his entry. “Nuh-uh, dude. You wait out here.” Rainbow ordered. “We’ve got something set up for you, but it needs one or two finishing touches. We’ll be done in a minute.”

So much for relief. “Is all this secrecy really necessary? I mean, really!”

“Fuzzy, just wait here and try not to have a mental breakdown, ‘kay?”

The wizard stammered, struggling to come up with an appropriate retort as Rainbow kicked the barn door shut, leaving him outside in the middle of unfamiliar territory.

Sure, this was Applejack’s land, or so he presumed, but it wasn’t like he’d been here before. He could hardly go wandering off to look for something to occupy himself while the mares put together their whatever-it-was. All he could really do at this point was stare at the Apple family’s pride and joy, the well-kept fields and seemingly endless rows of apple trees of Sweet Apple Acres.

Having met only Applejack and Apple Bloom, Harry had to wonder just how many other ponies it took to keep the farm looking so, well, picturesque. If farming on Earth was any indication, then, without the use of tractors or other machinery, surely there were several ponies responsible for its upkeep.

The sound of someone clearing their throat drew Harry’s attention; turning to face the newcomer with a comment that Applejack was in the barn if they were looking on his lips, his voice died when he was met with the solid red, muscular chest of a rather large pony.

Large? Who was he kidding? This guy was huge!

Harry had met Bulk Biceps, and frankly, there was such a thing as too large. Almost unnaturally so, but this guy seemed more… natural. Just that hard work and genetics had made it so that this particular stallion, with his coat the same shade of red as a double decker bus and his mane a dirty blond, stood at nearly a head and a half taller than the messy-haired wizard and looked down on him with an almost bored expression.

Just as Harry had concluded upon meeting the ridiculously fit pegasus at Pinkie’s party, there were varying degrees of “big.” Bulk Biceps and this farmpony definitely fell into the category “way too bloody big!”

Well, at least he wasn’t outright glaring.

“Uh… hi.” Again, smooth.

“Howdy.” The stallion drawled in a rather thick southern accent. Harry expected him to say more, something like ‘what the hay are you doing on my farm’ or ‘get the hay off of my farm,’ but instead, the two fell into silence, two sets of green eyes locked on one another, trying to figure out what to make of their owners through staring.

“So…” Think of something, stupid. Preferably before he decides that he wants you gone! “You work here?”

“Eeyup.” No change of expression, just the same deadpan stare.

“Oh, um, very nice…. You like it?”

“Eeyup.”

“Oh, good! That’s, uh, great. Really.” Seriously, would it kill him to say more than one word? “So… You’re looking for Applejack, then?”

“Nnope.”

“Er… the barn, then?”

“Eeyup.” Despite the affirmative reply, the stallion made no move to walk around nor did he order Harry to stand to the side and out of his way.

He just stared. He just stared blankly, giving nothing away. No tell of anger or confusion, no hint of recognition, just that same emotionless stare.

This… was incredibly awkward. But, judging by the pattern of Harry’s life, it wasn’t about to change.

“So… should I move?”

The stallion shrugged nonchalantly. “Nnope.”

Perhaps it was a flight of fancy, perhaps it was due to a bit of irritation at the stallion’s single-word answers, but Harry decided that he was going to get this blasted pony to speak more than one word at a time if it bloody killed him.

“You’re sure?”

“Eeyup.”

“Positive?”

“Eeyup.”

“So, I’m not in the way?”

“Nnope.”

“I don’t have to leave?”

“Nnope.”

“You’re not bothered by me?”

“Nnope.”

Fed up with his continued failure, Harry snapped. “Why the bloody hell not?”

In hindsight, he really shouldn’t have even considered going this route. He should’ve just expected this blasé “meh” reaction from the farmpony, given that he’d experienced varieties of the same reaction from most of the town, but something about this pony rubbed him the wrong way.

Actually, no, it wasn’t something, he knew exactly what it was: this stallion just seemed to, quite honestly, not give the slightest hint of a damn.

Everypony else at least seemed surprised, or at least mildly interested, in his appearance. And who wouldn’t? He was, for all intents and purposes, completely new to this world!

Granted, the Princesses had informed him that humans walked the planet millennia ago, and had since faded into some very obscure legends, but still…

Either this pony was just plain apathetic or –

“Why should Ah?” So stunned was Harry by those two extra words, that he nearly choked on air. Now, he was the one left gaping at this mountain of a stallion, trying to make heads or tails of things. Fortunately, the farmer wasn’t done speaking. “Bloom likes ya, AJ likes ya. Ain’t nopony in town tellin’ tales of ya bein’ a menace. So why spend mah time worryin’ about a colt lost in the world when Ah got fields to work, apples ta buck and a family ta provide fer? Ya ain’t causin’ no problems that Ah’ve heard ‘bout, so we got no problems.”

Or that. That works too.

So much for the ‘apathetic, simple farmer’ who couldn’t be bothered to give a damn; instead, it was Harry who wound up, once again, with egg on his face.

With a sigh, Harry ran a hand through his hair and tried to think of something to reply with that didn’t make him out to be either a complete and utter ponce or a dimwit. At the moment, his prospects weren’t looking good.

“I really shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.” He settled on just admitting that he’d bolloxed it up and taking his lumps. Not like he could do worse, right?

Tempting fate though…

The stallion just shrugged. “AJ told Granny ‘n Ah some o’ what ya deal wit’ back home. Ain’t much o’ a surprise that ya start expectin’ everypony ta think the worst o’ ya when ya meet ‘em.”

Harry snorted, nodding nonetheless. So his first impression of this stallion was off, for once, that had turned out well for him. While the general reception to his presence had been positive, most of the townsponies had been rather… offended when he grudgingly admitted that he half expected to be run out of Ponyville with pitchforks on his first day.

This stallion, Harry didn’t recall meeting him at the party. Though, if his demeanor was anything to go by, he seemed even less likely to get out and socialize than Harry, himself.

And that was saying quite a bit.

As much as he had been relieved to find a general attitude of acceptance in Ponyville, it was still nice to have at least one pony who looked at his sudden arrival and took it with a grain of salt; as long as Harry didn’t interfere with the farm work or cause trouble, he wasn’t a problem to this massive pony. He was simple and blunt.

In short, he was Harry’s kind of guy… err, stallion. Heck, he already had Spike to mess around with, but now he had someone – somepony, damn it! – who seemed more level-headed.

The boy’s ruminations were cut short by a hoof on his shoulder. “Got it!” Applejack said with a grin, pausing a beat to look between stallion and Harry. A silent nod from the stallion seemed to make her grin widen. “Seems ya met mah brother, Big Macintosh, already!”

Big Macintosh? Harry looked him up and down. That definitely suits him. “Yeah. I’ve had the, uh, pleasure.”

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh added with a single nod. “Jus’ call me ‘Big Mac.’ Everypony does.”

“Oh, err, right! Well, then, pleased to meet you, err, Big Mac,” Harry replied, sticking out his hand instinctively. “I’m Harry. Harry Potter.”

As he finished, Harry grimaced and readied to retract his hand, but Mac lifted a hoof and, inexplicably, gripped him, giving him a firm handshake.

How in the bloody hell? Never mind. He’d ask later. Like, when his brain didn’t feel like it had just been put through a blender.

“Ah’ve heard ‘bout ya.” Mac said. “Bloom ‘n her friends ain’t stopped talkin ‘bout ya since they met ya. Figure ya must be nice ‘nuff if they like ya.”

Harry couldn’t help but grin at the mention of the infamous Cutie Mark Crusaders, the rather excitable trio of fillies who, along with Pinkie Pie, had launched into a barrage of questions at the party.

Had it been anyone – or anypony – else, he might have considered it a bit intrusive, but they were so innocent and sincere that it was near impossible to refuse them anything.

And when they broke out that kicked puppy stare… Ooh, that was playing dirty and they knew it! They already had him wrapped around their hooves but through liberal use of that look, he was given no choice but to concede to their demands or face cardiac arrest.

Pinkie wasn’t quite as effective with the look, but Harry suspected that was only because she was older and tended to over exaggerate her pout.

Mind you, it wasn’t that it still didn’t work. He could just resist slightly longer before his heart gave out.

“No kidding!” Rainbow threw in as the approached, carrying what looked to be a jury-rigged pair of messenger bags and a small, white poster board. “Scoots was so excited she wouldn’t stop buzzing till I got her home that night! Still hasn’t, from what her parents tell me!”

“Sounds about right.” Harry said, pausing to gesture to her burden. “So, what’s all this, then?”

“Glad you asked, scruffy! Hold still!” Before he could move, the pegasus slapped the poster board on his chest. Harry expected it to just fall to the ground, but to his surprise, it stuck fast!

“What the –“

“Twi put a stickin’ spell on it, Sugarcube. She might be busyin’ herself tearin’ apart the library, but that don’t mean she wasn’t gonna help get ya ready for that crazy tournament of yers.” She said, tapping the bags with a hoof. “Rarity managed ta rig these saddlebags to fit over yer shoulder like a mailpony’s bag, since ya can’t wear it over yer back like us.”

“That’s great, but what’s the point of a blank poster?”

Big Mac opened his mouth to speak, but two sharp jabs to his side, courtesy of Rainbow and AJ, kept him quiet. “Oh, don’t worry about that.” Rainbow said, feigning innocence. “Just wear those and walk through town. Oh, and you’re not supposed to let anypony take what’s in the bags! The object is to keep them safe as long as possible, but no invisibility spells, no tricky ‘don’t notice me’ charms, none of that. Just running and whatever little tricks you can think of, as long as you don’t hurt anypony.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, regarding the mares with a calculating stare.  They were being a bit too vague with this. Why in the hell would they be giving him those instructions? It wasn’t like the townsponies went around jumping random pedestrians. Right?

“So, what’s in the bag?”

“Never ya mind.” Applejack replied smoothly. “Yew just concern yerself with keepin’ the contents safe fer,” she paused, sharing a look with her pegasus friend. “How ‘bout we say a half hour?”

“Eh, works for me. What do ya say, fuzzy?”

He narrowed his eyes challengingly. “I say you’re both being far too secretive for my tastes. You brought me all the way out here to ‘train,’ but now you’ve just slapped a sign and some bags on me and told me to walk through town and protect them. It doesn’t quite add up.”

“Oh, it’ll all make sense soon enough, trust me on that.” Rainbow answered with her signature cocky smirk. “Unless, of course…”

“What?”

“Well, it just seems to me that, for a fuzzy-topped human who carries a magical stick around, you’re awful antsy about this little challenge…”

“Rainbow Dash,” he began warningly. “I know what you’re trying to do. It’s not going to work.”

“That so? What do you think AJ? Mac?”

Applejack gave a theatric hum, tapping her chin with a hoof and looking off as if pondering the question. “Ah’m gonna have ta go with Rainbow on this, Harry. Yer bein’ pretty skittish.” As she finished, she fixed her brother with a meaningful look and quirked a brow.

Big Mac, for his part, was no fool. He knew exactly what his sister and her merry band of friends had planned. Hay, she came home last night, seething over what she’d learned about Ponyville’s resident human. It took Granny and he hours to calm her down.

With that in mind, he knew what he had to do. There was only one thing to say. And it could be delivered, only with the bluntness and solemn tone worthy of an Apple:

“Eeyup.”  Truly, Big Macintosh Apple had the mind of a philosopher.

The young wizard’s irritation was easily evident; ridiculous, they were being completely and totally ridiculous. And now they were calling him skittish?

“Listen, you lot, I’ve been called many things; some of them true, some not. However, back home, no one has the gall to call me –“

“A chicken?” Rainbow Dash interrupted with a grin, throwing his earlier taunt right back in his face.

Harry’s fingers twitched, as if tightening around his wand. “Rainbow…” he began, his voice strained as he grit his teeth.

Picking up on his cues, the prismatic mare stepped up her taunting. She pawed at the ground, flapping her wings and bobbing her head like a bird as she began to cluck, earning snorts of laughter from the Apple siblings and a heated glare from her fuzzy-topped friend.

Oh, that did it!

“Fine!” He snapped, spinning on his heel and marching off towards Ponyville. “I’ll play your stupid game! Once I’m done, I’ll make Pinkie’s day and turn you both neon pink!”

“Lookin’ forward to it, fuzzball!” Rainbow cackled, stomping her hoof into the ground.

As the trio of ponies watched Harry leave, grumbling all the way, Big Mac turned his half-lidded gaze on the two grinning mares. Well, AJ was grinning. Rainbow Dash was cackling like the Mayor Mare on Nightmare Night.

He just stared a moment, waiting for both Harry to get out of earshot and for inspiration to come and help him verbalize the question that had been on his mind since the Weather Team Captain had stuck that sign on Harry’s chest…

“Why did y’all make that colt walk inta town wearin’ a sign that said ‘Free Apple Cider’?” Mac’s confusion doubled when his sister joined her friend in laughing, shaking her head so hard her hat nearly fell off.

If there was a joke, the big red farmpony certainly wasn’t getting it. So, what? It was just a sign. The townsponies would figure out that he didn’t actually have any cider when they put two and two together and realized that the resident human was carrying saddlebags, not pulling a cart or bringing barrels into town.

So… If that was their “master plan,” it was going to play out just as well as any other time Applejack tried to bet him: namely, with her cursing until she was blue in the face, and Mac maintaining his stoic expression as he inwardly roared with laughter and readied to collect his winnings. Just substitute Harry in for him.

“Uh, AJ…”

“It don’t say nothin’ ‘bout cider.” Big Mac was sure he didn’t hear right. He’d seen the sign for himself, plain as the Cutie Mark on his flank! ‘Free Apple Cider’ was displayed prominently on the boy’s front as he walked towards Ponyville.

What in the name of the Royal Sisters were these two grinning mares up to?

As if on cue, Applejack leaned in and whispered in his ear. Mac’s half-lidded expression dropped, eyes widening as utter shock flashed across his face. His sister’s grin widened to near Pinkie Pie levels as her chromatic friend collapsed to the ground, kicking her hooves in the air as she gave way to laughter.

What in Tartarus?!

“Y’all are evil.” He said resolutely. “Pure evil, doin’ that to the colt.”

With his piece said, Big Macintosh Apple turned and trotted off, shaking his head as the mares’ laughter rang out behind him. He couldn’t help but pity the teenage wizard; the colt wouldn’t last too long based on what he’d just learned.

Especially if he ran into a few particular members of the community.

Nope, nope, nope! Big Mac wouldn’t trade places with Harry Potter for one moment, not with what the situation he would soon find himself into.

“Poor colt ain’t gonna know what hit ‘im.”

---  

Harry didn’t get it. He wasn’t stupid; Sure, he could be called slow on the uptake on certain matters, but, if given long enough, he could figure out for himself that someone – or, in this case, somepony – had managed to get one past him and was going to thoroughly enjoy watching him deal with the fallout.

He knew he should’ve stuck around and figured out what this damnable poster-board said, he knew it! But, instead, he let Applejack and Rainbow Dash wind him up and get him so irritated that he just stormed off towards town.

It wasn’t until a few minutes ago that he realized that he’d played right into their hooves.

The proverbial light bulb turned on right about the time when Roseluck dropped a basket of flowers in surprise, her eyes locked on the poster-board for a moment before she went galloping off to tell her friends with an excited grin on her face. That prickling sensation on the back of his neck, the feeling he got when he knew that he was in for a wild ride, started up right about the time when Bon Bon’s eyes zeroed in on his torso, her muzzle slowly splitting into a full-blown grin.

Nothing had happened to make him run or cast spells, as the mares implied when going over “the rules.” Harry snorted. Rules implied that there was a game. A game implied that there were players who were aware that they were a part of it.

Oh, sure. He fit into the “aware” category because he’d tacitly agreed to take part. But that was only in the most technical of technicalities.

Harry was quite certain that he could make a very strong case for his decision being made under duress, but that wouldn’t exactly help him now. This was not a public courthouse.

This was Ponyville, a town filled with friendly, but easily excitable ponies. A town full of excitable ponies who were still adjusting to the novelty of their newest inhabitant (Harry still got a question about life as a human here or there, or stammered apologies for referring to his hands as “claw-grabby things”), who now had even more of a reason to stare at Harry.

He could accept it when the staring was because he was a human. He could even accept, to a point, one or two more ponies mistaking his scar for a Cutie Mark – he bit his tongue and smiled reassuringly as he explained that it was most certainly not a Cutie Mark, despite how painful it was to talk about. This? This was just plain weird.

Okay, fine, so being stuck in a world inhabited by talking, pastel colored, magical ponies was odd, but this was weird even for Equestria!

A young pegasus colt with a grey coat and black mane, Rumble, if he remembered correctly, had met his eyes with a before turning and sharing a whisper with a couple of his friends – one a small, skinny pegasus colt with a tan coat named Featherweight, the other a tiny Earth pony colt with tan coat and a brown spot around his eye, aptly named Pipsqueak. Almost instantly, their attention was drawn to him and they were making their way over, with wide grins and twitching wings – a sign of excitement in pegasi, from what Rainbow had informed him. Something about “the thrill of the chase, fight or flight.”

There was something about their sudden interest in him that set off alarm bells in Harry’s head. Something vaguely familiar to him, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

He had to be imagining it. It wasn’t like he was actually in trouble, right?

“Mister Harry,” Rumble began, a poorly disguised grin on his muzzle as he tried desperately not to seem too excited. “Is it true?”

Ooh, boy. “Is what true?” The human asked hesitantly, nervously eying the trio of colts, who were looking at him just a bit too hungrily.

“The sign, o’ course!” Little Pip chimed in his thick Trottingham accent. “Says you’ve got free candy, it does!”

“Yeah!” Featherweight and Rumble cheered, jumping into the air and buzzing their wings furiously to hover near Harry’s chest level. “Free candy!”

“Is it from Sugarcube Corner?”

“Is it from Bon Bon’s?”

“Ooh, ooh! Did Miss Twilight send for some super special candy all the way from Canterlot!”

At Rumble’s suggestion, the trio paused a moment, each considering the possibilities that might come from special ordered candy, especially if Twilight Sparkle had commissioned it from one of her hometown confectionaries, and came to a unanimous conclusion.

“That –“

“ – Would –“

“ – Be –“

“ – AWESOME!” They finished in unison, exchanging quick hoofbumps, largely ignoring the rather confused human standing just a few feet away.

Note to self: forget neon pink. Those two will be speaking in rhymes for a week once I get out of this! Harry thought, fighting to keep a scowl off his face. Just as he thought, he’d been played. Fantastic. But his payback would have to wait for later.

Right now, he had a trio of overly excited foals to deal with. To be specific, a trio of overly excited foals in the middle of Ponyville Market where many colts and fillies were out with their families on their day off of school.

On this day, the odds were most certainly not in his favor.

“Free candy?”

“From Canterlot? I want some!”

“What kind?”

“Who cares? If they’re special order, they’ll be amazing, right?”

Oh, for the love of… “I, er, really have no clue what you’re talking about, foals.” Harry nervously cut in, backing away slowly as the crowd of foals began edging towards him. “Really, I don’t know anything about –“

“But you’re wearing a sign!” Rumble pointed out ‘helpfully’.

“Too right, you are!” Pip chipped in. “Me ol’ eyes aren’t lyin’, mate!”

Naturally, Featherweight wasn’t going to be left out. “Plus, it’s kinda bad if you’re walking through town with a sign like that and it turns out you’re lying. That’s, uh… my dad called it false adver-whatsits… adver… it’s bad, okay!”

“Ugh! It’s called ‘false advertisement,’ featherbrain!” A rather spoilt, pink coated filly, with a tiara sitting atop her pink and white mane, who was aptly called Diamond Tiara, threw in. “My daddy says that ponies who get caught for that get in a lot of trouble!”

Though Harry was quite certain that being tricked into wearing a sign didn’t qualify, he was well-versed in the nature of mob mentality, having seen his fellow students turn against him twice in four years. “Now, now! It’s not quite like that!” He protested vehemently. “I was given this to wear through town! I don’t even know what’s in the bags!”

“Then open them!” The filly replied simply, prompting cheers from the crowd of munchkin ponies.

Harry took another step back, trying to avoid being jostled and bumped by the excited foals. “Alright, alright! Don’t crowd!” He chided as he fumbled with the buttons. “I’ll have this bloody thing… open… in a…. what the hell is with these things?”

A spark of magenta light erupted about a foot away from his face, revealing a tightly bound scroll hovering before him, encased in Twilight Sparkle’s rather familiar aura. Quickly surveying his surroundings, Harry saw neither hide nor hair of the bookish mare. Which meant that she was either casting from the library, or she had put a delayed spell on the bags in case he tried to open them.

“Well, go on then!” Pip cried. “Read it! What’s it say?”

This doesn’t bode well. With a sigh of resignation, Harry began to read the mare’s neat, orderly writing.

Harry,

If you’re reading this, then you’ve tried to open the saddlebags. As you’ve likely figured out by now, I’ve placed a spell on them so you can’t open them. Only a pony who has read the sign can. Sorry, but the six of us felt that a mystery task like this would be a good preliminary test of your speed, endurance and ingenuity with magic. All of which will be of great help in the Tournament.

As stated, you are not to hurt anypony. You may use magic to hinder them or enable your escape, nothing more.

Naturally, if anypony does manage to open the bags, they receive a prize from us.

The girls and I will meet up with you when your time has expired or when the saddlebags are opened. Good luck!

Your faithful friend,

Twilight Sparkle

For a moment, Harry stood stock still, mouth working soundlessly as he struggled to verbalize his feelings. Grumbling, he gritted his teeth and inhaled sharply. “Well! You’ve got this all planned out, don’t you Sparkle!” Just as he made to ball up the note, he noticed a postscript just below the name:

P.S. Yes. I do. You might want to start running now!

Pip nudged him with a hoof excitedly. “Go on, mate! What’s it say?”

“Err…” Of all the times for Harry to struggle for a good excuse to get out of something, he just had to pick now! Actually, who was he kidding? He couldn’t lie worth a damn. Still, no harm in trying, right? “Well, err, Twilight wants me to come to the library and…. Err…. Bring the bags… For… Research?”

“Research?” Featherweight parroted.

“Yes, research. Research is definitely what she said!”

“Funny, it seemed more like you were asking us than telling us!” Silver Spoon pointed out.

Oh, great! They were having a moment of lucidity. Why did foals – and human children, for that matter – pick the most inopportune times to think logically?

And why did it just have to happen when the creative part of Harry’s brain seemed to have taken a vacation. “Well… it’s because – Hey! Rumble! Give that back!” The little grey pegasus had quickly darted forward and snatched the letter in his mouth, his patience with the stammering wizard coming to an abrupt end.

Rumble hoofed the letter over to Featherweight, allowing the lanky colt to quickly scan the letter. If not for the fact that the little colt’s quick reading had basically sealed Harry’s fate, he’d be impressed.

Then again, someone – somepony – had mentioned that Featherweight was the editor for the school newspaper, so he likely was used to quickly skimming short articles before going back and looking for mistakes.

Oh, bugger.

“So, let’s make this clear,” Harry unconsciously took a step back as Featherweight fixed him with a calculating look. “If we get those saddle bags open, we get a prize, and we’re basically helping you train?”

The wizard made to try and diffuse the situation, but froze as looks of determination and mischief flitted across the little ponies’ faces.

"Well, then," Featherweight balled up the letter and tossed it into a nearby trashcan. “Everypony: catch Harry!”

Needing no further prompt, Harry turned tail and ran, barely managing to avoid Pipsqueak’s diving attempt at his ankles.

Did he say he’d make Applejack and Rainbow speak in rhymes? Clearly, he needed to alter his revenge a bit and extend that to a certain scheming librarian as well.