In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.
Hunter S. Thompson

Kestral once again woke into the afternoon, light pouring into the attic from the lone window. He popped his fingers, then arms, then his legs, and toes. He slowly ascended to a standing position, making sure not to make noise on the wooden floor. He stretched some more, trying to loosen up his muscles from his sleep on the hard wood.

He walked over to the window. He spotted colorful ponies of all kinds going about their day again. Occasionally a group might walk together, seemingly all having a fun time. It brought a slight smile to his face, like looking back on a memory. Some of them laughed, or hugged. One pair even made out like horny teenagers.

I think I see why Discord wants to help them. They look so cheerful, like one big happy family.

His smile faded, being replaced with a pensive scowl. He snapped out of it, though, and remembered why he was there in the first place. He walked over to the middle of the wood floor in the attic, and began pulling stolen jewelry from thin air, placing it on the ground. Several rings, necklaces, and a ridiculous number of bracelets later, all of the expensive pieces were on the floor, mildly organized by item. He took out all the gold coins he had stocked up, along with the silver bars, but left the black egg in his 'pocket dimension'.

With his stack ready, he pulled out the cloth, and tapped the compass a few times. It wasn't but a few seconds that he had to wait, before a cheery voice sounded out.

“Why hello there Kestral. What could you need of a poor, imprisoned wizard?”

He noticed by the tone that Discord was in a much better mood than the last time they talked. That, and since he had time to kill, he decided he could use some small talk. “Well, you seem to be in a good mood. Mind if I ask why?”

Discord scoffed. “I'm always in a good mood. Some days just more than others.” He paused. “But if you really must know, it's because the other human in this plan of mine got shrapnel in his leg.”

Kestral mulled over potential meaning in that statement, and decided to ask his most pressing question on it. “Other human?” I shouldn't be surprised, actually. He did pull me out for this, why not another?

“Oh yes. He was here less than a day before you.” He cleared his throat, which was questionable in whether it even did anything, since he was throwing his voice with magic. “But you won't be meeting him any time soon. Now, what is it that you need?”

Kestral gestured to the array of goods on the floor. “I've got all these things for you, in exchange for some lovely equipment of my choosing.”

“Very well. What's first?”

Kestral took out his revolver, and looked over it again. It was familiar, and dependable, but it wouldn't serve him well if he was going to be sneaky. There was probably some way to make it more quiet, but Kestral had never heard of a silenced revolver, so he assumed it just wasn't worth asking for. “I'd like to replace my pistol with one that has a threaded barrel, and a silencer. Preferably the same caliber as well.”

Kestral watched as his gun disappear. He expected a silver, semi-automatic pistol to replace it. What he did not expect, was a four foot long piece of steel. He threw out his arms, in an effort to keep it from slamming into the ground, and revealing his presence. He latched onto it, and looked it over. The trigger, handle, projectile, and general shape let him identify it.

A fucking R-P-G?

“Whoops. Wrong one~” Discord called in a singing voice. Before Kestral could asked what tomfoolery was going about, the launcher disappeared in a similar manner to the gun. It its place was a silver pistol, with a black extension along the barrel.

He observed the weapon closely. He saw the silvery frame meet the dull black of the silencer. He pressed the release on the side, letting the magazine free. He grabbed it, and looked at its back. The line of bullets stopped a while before it reached the end, and any effort to press them down was met with resistance. It seemed to him that the size was reduced to lower it's capacity to six bullets.

Great. Probably have to buy regular clips from him too.

He looked at the side and read the words inscribed as 'Mark VII Magnum Research'. On the other side it simply read '.357 MAG'. He put the magazine back in, and cocked the gun. It was a respectable gun -definitely a step up from his revolver- but he felt there could be more improvement on it. Guess I’ll think of something useful later.

He looked at the pile of items at his feet. All the rings, and most of the bracelets were gone, leaving the necklaces and a couple amulets in tact.

“Okay,” he started, “I need a lock-picking set.” Like before, the wanted material appeared before him, which he grabbed. It was a roll of cloth, so he opened it out. It revealed a large number of pockets, each holding a different item used for various techniques and locks. It would be a great tool, be he needed something else first...

“and a book that explains lock picking.” He stated bluntly.

Discord was silent for a moment, probably pondering the desire, before he spoke with utmost wisdom. “What kind of thief doesn't know how to pick a lock?”

Kestral shrugged. “One that's only committed one burglary in his whole life? ...until a couple days ago that is.”

“Oh dear, I simply chose the best for this job, didn't I?” Discord asked sarcastically. A book popped into the air like the rest of Kestral's items. “There you go. Anything else?”

Kestral thought about for a moment. He could try to get his shotgun silenced, though he thought it would be stupid to get two silencers for one gun, since each barrel would need one. If he wanted a silenced shotgun, it would be best to get a pump, or a semi-automatic. Or he could gamble, and ask for the name of another spell book.

He gestured to the stolen items again. “Is that enough to get me a shotgun replacement and a silencer as well?”

“Hmm...no.” Discord said flatly.

Damn. Kestral knew that having to 'pace' getting better equipment was going to get on his nerves, but he didn't forget the reasoning behind it, so he brushed it off. Well, the gamble it is, then.

“Alright. Is it enough to get me the name of another spell book?” He asked, hoping it was.

“Yes.”

Kestral nodded. “I'll take it.” He watched as most of what was left of his stash disappeared, and from the air he caught another piece of paper. He decided to let it be a surprise, so instead of reading it, he placed it in his pocket.

He looked to the stash again. All of it was removed, except for a small silver bar. He picked it up, and held it in his open palm. “And.... however many pistol bullets this will get me.” The silver bar was replaced by a pile of brass with copper tips. He counted them out, letting him know he gained ten more .357 mag bullets, before he made them vanish with his own power.

“Thanks.” Kestral said, expecting Discord to go away soon.

“You're welcome.” He replied dryly. “But you should know, Kestral...”

“Know what?” he asked, curiosity suddenly spiked.

“You've garnered attention much faster than I had anticipated.” Kestral instantly thought of the narrow escape from the mansion. He scratched his head, and knew that he could have done a cleaner job. “So I should warn you, the guard is pulling stops out, just for you. Be careful, and don't get caught. It won't be easy for me to help you out of a jail cell.”

“Okay, thanks.” The voice didn't answer, so he assumed that Discord left his presence. Wait, you can pull my ass to another world, but not out of a jail cell? How does that make sense? He shook his head. He simply chose the idea that he'd just ask him at the next meeting, instead of worrying about it.

He walked to the window again. To pass the time, he decided that he'd watch the ponies some more.

Longsword stood atop the town hall, helping a group of pegasai and bat ponies surround a colored model of Ponyville, which had a set of small, gray rocks covering it. How he got there was a long story involving a failed teleport, a fifteen foot fall, and the sprained ankle of a batpony that tried to catch him, but that was irrelevant.

At each side was Lyra and Steelwing, both looking on at the map as well. At the opposite end was the lavender unicorn that enchanted both the rocks and the bait herself; Twilight Sparkle. The rest of the nearly two dozen present were lower ranking guards, sergeants waiting around the map, with anyone lower simply passing the time with a card game.

“Okay,” Twilight started, now with a quill and paper ready, “so explain this whole plan again.”

Longsword nearly gave her a few choice words about how he hates repeating himself, be was cut off by Lyra. “It's fine,” she whispered, “she just likes everything on paper, remember?” Lyra turned to Twilight. “Well, it starts off with the enchantment on the rocks, which correspond to each of the pieces of bait set out in the town. The light off the rocks lets us know that the bait was tampered with.”

Scribble scribble. “Okay. So why is it that we use this system, instead of a traditional trap?”

“We believe that humans possess an adept sense of sight, and enhanced sense of danger. A usual trap will have wires or plates that would be obvious to ponies, let alone humans, so instead, the bait is merely an indicator to his presence, rather than his prison, in order to remove the danger that would normally scare them off.” She leaned on one side while waiting for Twilight to catch up.

“Alright. So why are we pulling guards from regular patrols? Wouldn't that make it easier for him to skulk around?”

“Perhaps.” She admitted. “But he's far more likely to take some bait if he's not already worried about a guard spotting him.”

“Why would a guard spot him if the bait was in the alleys?” She asked, trying to poke a hole in the plan.

“We don't know. But this human doesn't seem to take chances, so we decided it would be best if we gave him a 'perfect' opportunity.”

“Hmm. Now why the choice of bait?”

“Well,” Lyra began, “from the first human we had encountered, we learned that humans like food. A lot. And from this particular human, if the thefts we think are from him truly are him, we can deduct that this one does as well. Meat seems to be high on the list of foods for the first human, but this second one we're dealing with has stolen none so far. I believe, that instead of a dislike for it, he is having a shortage of it, because he's only robbed ponies so far. He'll be more likely to take the bait, because he could really go far a fleshy snack right now.” One of the nearby guards' face turn green around the end, but she recovered quickly.

“Uh...huh.” Twilight paused, giving more thought into the matter. “And since he's hungry for meat, he'll take a bite of the bait, because he's not in immediate danger, and we'll know that he moved the bait. If we find a bite, we can trace the connected magic back to him, because a piece will be in his stomach!” She scratched more and more, until she dotted off the sentence. “Brilliant!”

“What if he doesn't take the bait?” Called out a mare.

“Oh, I’ll bet he will. I've had the pleasure of having seen a human skull before. The teeth have jagged points towards the front, so we can tell meat is in their biological diet. It's only a matter of time before he craves it.”

With Twilight's questions answered, and an extra copy and explanation of the plan written down, the conversation died into silence. Not much was to be done, except for waiting for a rock on the map to glow.

You all are idiots. One of the soldiers thought, while placing another bit into the betting pile. You're treating an intelligent creature like a patterned animal. If you want to catch him, you have to understand him.

And before their eyes, one of the small pieces of earth let off a dim glow.

Kestral watched from the bush as a team of three ponies flew over the block of houses ahead of him. The group made a direct flight to the middle of the homes, and landed with haste. He patiently waited for the group to made the same routine as the past two. After a full minute, the trio left, letting Kestral know that their business was done. He sighed as he got out of the bush, and made his way to the next alley.

Those aren't just the regular patrols, are they? Kestral could tell there was something up. The soldiers weren't walking around the town like usual. They weren't passively getting a view as they uphold awareness for as long as the shift deemed necessary. Instead, they were making deliberate flights to and from select spots in the town, as if they were suppose to catch some glorious prize after some time.

He ran through the alley, but stopped once he spotted an oddity. It was difficult to see in the shadow of the house it was near, but it looked like a ball was tied to a string, which hung off a stick stuck in the ground. It looked like it was set out for some purpose. He realized that it was the same spot the ponies seemed to stop at.

Oh, this must be a trap. He looked around casually, trying to find any strings, wires, plates, maybe traces of digging in the ground, but found nothing. But if it is, this might be the dumbest trap I have ever seen in my life. He felt cheated, like they weren't even trying, or that he wasn't worth their time. Mostly he was thankful they were being idiots in trying to catch him with such an ineffective trap, but he still felt a prick at his pride for it.

He took in a deep sniff of the air, and realized there was a favorable smell to it. After a moment, he concluded that it was coming from the ball. It had the scent of freshly cooked ham, along with a hint of garlic.

“Oh, I see how it is,” he whispered to himself, “you guys think that since I’m not a pony, I must be some kind of animal, ready to eat anything I find? Fuckers... but, how did they know I ate meat?” He shook his head. Doesn't matter. They just do. He looked around the trap. His pride was more than a little hurt that he would be treated like a dog, instead of the proper thief he was. Of course, it did cross his mind that they might know what he's really doing, and might be going easy so he can do his job, but he felt it was highly unlikely. If they knew what he was doing, they wouldn't have tried so hard to bust down the door, or change up nightly routine just for him.

Discord would not have needed to warn him, either. So, there's that.

Kestral looked at the bait again. He wanted to mess with their heads now. He wanted revenge, but not with blood, nor with stealing more property. No, he wanted to throw their minds upside down when they thought about him. He wanted them to sit there and think 'what the fuck are we facing'. He wanted them to know that they made a mistake in taking him for just an animal.

He smiled a wicked smile as he saw the flames on the ground rise at his command.

He was going to have fun with this.

Longsword watched as the trio came back. It was without the unconscious body of a human, so he was less than pleased. He turned back to the map, and let the occasional gust of wind blow through his hair without resistance. The rock had only glowed dimly, which made him wonder. “Is the glow dependent on the amount of movement of the bait?” He asked as he turned to Twilight.

She nodded. “Yes. I believed it may have been wind, but it could have been him just touching it softly.”

He sighed softly. He knew that, as little information they knew about humans, it was going to be quite difficult to catch him. It would only get worse if they started chasing phantom fears. The best thing he could do would be to keep his head cool, and try his best to be one step ahead of the thief.

“Uhm... I have a question.” Longsword, along with several of the guards and Lyra, turned his head to give her his attention. “Ahem. Uh, if he's an intelligent creature like the rest of us, why are we expecting him to actually bite the bait?” She soundly moderately insecure about asking the question, as if embarrassed she did not ask it sooner.

Lyra just gave her an odd look. “Well, because he'll be short on meat, and will take it to make up for that shortage.” She stated, like it was perfectly normal.

“Lyra... He's a sentient creature. A very intelligent, sentient creature. He has an obvious grasp on modern or -gods forbid- futuristic technology. He's smart enough to evade a whole section of the night guard, steal from several houses, murder a dozen changelings -which we still haven't figured out how he's finding them in the first place- , get caught in the act, and yet, he gets away, leaves no trace, and even has the gall to leave us an apology letter for just one of his crimes.” She looked at Longsword and Steelwing. “All of which, he potentially committed while drunk and drugged, and likely didn't even have the aid of magic. So I ask you, why do we think he'll take the bait?”

Everyone simply stared at Twilight as she pointed everything out. After a full minute of silence, Longsword slowly began to turn his head towards Lyra, which she mirrored almost perfectly.

“I...may have made a miscalculation in my theory....”

Longsword's eyes looked like they were about to stab her with the fury of a thousand swords, but before he could unleash upon her the world's worst unknown hell of vulgarity and verbal abuse, he caught himself, and suppressed his anger long enough to make out his thoughts. “It's okay. We have tomorrow.” There'll just be a few more changeling bodies to show for it. Everyone's attention was caught by the bright glowing on the table.

One of the rocks was shining as bright as a bond fire.

Longsword held his tongue at Lyra, and instead, directed it to his team of what were normally day guards. “Iron, Third-Second alley, go.” Was all he said, to which the trio responded by lifting off and flying to the trap. Steelwing had a similar matter with three bat ponies, but flew off with them.

Longsword impatiently awaited for those pegasai to come back with a body. He tapped his hoof, counting the seconds it took to get back. He counted to the number one hundred and fifty nine before he spotted one of his soldiers make his way back. He gave the guard a hard stare as she landed. “Report.”

“We need Lyra to examine the bait. We're not sure what to make of it.” She said flatly.

The three, Lyra, Twilight, and Longsword, looked at each other, and excluding the latest, looked with uncertainty.

“You two go check it out.” Longsword said.

The girls nodded, and teleported to the ground in a flash of light. Overhead, the pegasus flew down and guided them towards the bait.

They passed though one set of houses, then entered the next, where they were greeted by the other guards. They took one look at the bait and instantly the gears in their minds began working.

The grass under the bait was burned to ash. As they walked towards it, they saw that it was burned into a shape; A large circle, with a spiral leading into a small focal point directly under the hanging meat. The wooden rod holding up the bait was spared, but the bait itself was not. It hung there, burnt and crispy from a hot fire. It had a large hole in the center, like it was cut out. The meat still radiated the fresh scent of seared flesh, which sent one of the lower ranking guards into a fit of vomiting.

After the moment it took to observe, one of the guards piped up. “Do you think the human did it?”

“I doubt it.” Another one said.

“What about the fire?”

“There are plenty of animals in the Everfree that spit fire.”

“None that do it into this shape, though.” Steelwing stated, cutting off their conversation.

“Humans don't breathe fire, though.” Lyra tacked into the conversation.

“No.” Steelwing sighed. “But they don't need to.”

“Are you implying he had help?” Twilight added.

Steelwing nodded. “We had our suspicions when we found he burned his way into a toy shop. If he has a Unicorn as his help, it would explain why he knows what places to hit at night. The pony could invade houses during the day when nopony is looking, find some changeling pods, and send in the human at night.”

Everyone present made a silent agreement to the logic, so she continued. “Alright. From now on, we're on the lookout for a unicorn with knowledge in pyromancy. Question suspicious unicorns for alibis, and mark up any that can't prove innocence.” She pointed to the large building at the center of town. “For now, meet back at the town hall.” Steelwing knew that she had a night of 'warning'-poster-making ahead of her, and sighed internally.

The guards all took flight, with Steelwing falling in last, leaving just Twilight and Lyra. Twilight was about to run back to the destination, but didn't when she realized Lyra was looking pensively at the bait. “Is there a problem?” She asked.

“Um,” She started, “I don't think so. But I've never seen that symbol before.” She gestured to the burn mark. “Do you think it has any significance?”

“I don't know, Lyra.” They both began walking back to hall. “Maybe it's a religious thing? Maybe he sacrificed the bait, or something?”

They simply shrugged. Lyra didn't know what the symbol meant, but she had a feeling, deep in her gut, that it was a dark, ominous, and foreboding text, which would surely bring for destruction upon a scale she had never seen.

Surely.