A/N: Okay, seriously - what the hell? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? I've written a total of ONE alternate endings by myself so far, and was just about to work on the next one when I received yet ANOTHER guest submission! You guys are weird, man. Also, I think this might be the crackiest one yet, and that's saying something. My OWN next chapter should hopefully be more normal.

"THE GAMES WE PLAY"

ALTERNATE ENDING #5

Guest Submission from Cookies Need Love

There was only silence; the sound of the two of them breathing and the hushed whisper of snow falling.  

"We'll be okay," Rainbow Dash said, her voice firmer this time. "I promise. No matter what happens. I'm not going to give up on you."  

And without waiting for a reply, she enfolded the mare in one final embrace before quietly lowering her to the ground.  

"Are you ready?" she asked.  

"No," Mare Do Well answered, still breathless and panting.  

A smile twitched at the corners of her mouth, and Rainbow Dash ducked her head in, so that her mouth was moving against the shape of Mare Do Well's ear.  

"Too bad." she whispered. She could feel the mare shiver beneath her.  

It was time. She took one final deep breath.  

Mare Do Well was perfectly still, as if preparing herself for what was coming. For whatever Rainbow did next.  

And Rainbow Dash opened her eyes.

There, beneath her, was not a pony but a kind of maybe sort of a little bit his ancestor was a pony. That is, if the dragon-esque creature with a chicken arm and one fang had any ancestors. As far as Rainbow Dash knew, he had simply appeared out of nowhere. No one had really explained that part to her. Well, if they had she hadn't been listening. After all, it was most likely part of Twilight’s too-long-for-anyone-to-bother-paying-attention-to-but-it's-going-to-be-important-in-the-plot-later tangents about various outdated bits of information that Rainbow Dash didn't care about. Well, that or she was too distracted by staring deeply into Twilights eyes and wishing she could screw her right there on the table. It depended on who was reading. (*cough* Tailslover *cough*).

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Aren't you getting a little off point? I mean, I just found out that the person who's been chasing me around is Discord. Shouldn't you focus on that?" Rainbow Dash said to the author.

Right. Sorry. Rainbow Dash was freaking out.

"No! No, this doesn't make sense. No way!" Rainbow Dash said. She stared down at the smirking, and clearly pleased with himself Discord. Then a thought seemed to strike.

"Wait a minute.... this really doesn't make sense. Are you even thinking this through?" Rainbow Dash asked the author.

Will you stop talking to me? It's not good for my image! I'm supposed to be a mysterious force that can do whatever it wants.

"But Discord? I mean, the Mare Do Well is a pony. And a MARE! This is... Discord!" Rainbow Dash replied. The author then decided that Rainbow Dash needed to do something with her mouth other then point out plot holes in the alternate ending. So Rainbow Dash began to kiss Discord again. However, Discord decided that the next logical step was to disappear and then reappear right beside Rainbow Dash, causing her to do a face plant of epic proportions.

"Hey! We're supposed to be in love here!" Rainbow Dash looked up indignantly at Discord.

"Riiight, about that..... I'm really just in love with Hayseed. You're much too normal for me. It has been fun messing with you, though!" Discord explained. He then (somehow) put his arm around Hayseed's shoulders, defying all laws of physics that hadn't already been broken, and strolled off with the old pony.

"Hayseed? Why can't there be a straight pairing in this fandom?" Rainbow Dash groaned, then facehooved. Then she blinked and realized there was something else wrong with the picture of Discord and Hayseed doing the jitter bug off into the sunset.

"Wait! Hayseed and Discord? Isn't Discord shipped with Pinkie Pie? What are you doing?" Rainbow Dash once more questioned the author in that annoying way of hers. Pointing out details that were just fine being left un-pointed out. The author decided to distract Rainbow Dash again.

Look over there! Like the silly filly that she was, Rainbow Dash looked over there and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"Yeah, it's Lyra and Mrs. Cake making out. They do that all the time," Rainbow Dash commented carelessly, looking back over here. That was when she noticed that somehow, inexplicably, she was now right next to Rarity's house. Seeing no other logical option, Rainbow Dash looked in Rarity's window. What she saw defied any sense of anything at all, common or otherwise.

"Is Rarity taking off her sweater? On a stage? With Chief Thunderhooves watching?" Rainbow Dash asked. That could not be happening.

I've always suspected there was something going on between them. the wise author noted wisely.  

"Well I haven't. Because there's no proof. I'm pretty sure they never even talked!" Rainbow Dash dumbly responded because she wasn't as wise as the amazing and awesome author.

"And stop saying things like 'Rainbow Dash dumbly responded because she wasn't as wise as the amazing and awesome author'. It's not fair!" Rainbow Dash said. (Dumbly)

"I saw that!"

Sorry.

Rainbow Dash said.

"That's better. But that doesn't explain Rarity and Chief Thunderhooves. I mean, her main shipping partners are Applejack and Spike!"

Just then Applejack and Spike emerged from Rarity's kitchen, munching on popcorn.

"Did we miss a good part?" Spike asked. He saw on one side of Chief Thunderhooves while Applejack sat on the other. Rainbow Dash stared, her mouth wide open. Clearly the author was an evil/insane genius to think of such a simple answer.

"Clearly the author is an evil/insane idiot to think of such a dumb answer," Rainbow Dash said. She turned away from Rarity's window, not really wanting to see much else. Rarity had taken off her sweater and was now in the process of slowly rolling up some stockings for her cheering audience that had somehow gained over ninety ponies, manticores, parasprites, hydras, and other various creatures.

"Okay. You're not even trying anymore," Rainbow Dash cried in exasperation as she took another few steps and found herself right outside Twilight's door. The author did not deign to reply to that comment, as the author found it rather insulting as clearly the author was trying very hard. Rainbow Dash ignored the author's hurt silence and pushed open Twilight's door, too rude to even knock. Rainbow Dash stared at the scene before her.

"Is that me? Listening to Twilight read from Daring Do?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Yes. Yes it is.

"Am I a Unicorn? Is Twilight a Pegasus? Is Pinkie Pie an Alicorn?"

Yes, you do have a magical horn. Yes, Twilight has wings. And yes, Pinkie Pie is a huge, talking Unicorn's horn because that is what Alicorn means.

"Right. As long as you got the Alicorn part right, the rest of it doesn't matter," Rainbow Dash commented sarcastically. She stared at the scene, with no words to describe the insanity. The fact that Pinkie Pie was a horn with legs and a bushy tail and a huge smile didn't really phase her much. She always knew Pinkie Pie was weird. It was more that she was listening to Twilight read her a book that she found utterly confusing and weird. Sure, it was Daring Do but she would never let Twilight read it to her.

If that's what you think of that, I wouldn't open the door behind you. the author advised. Rainbow Dash closed Twilight's door and turned around to find herself in front of Twilight’s door.

"What's behind this door?" Rainbow Dash asked, a little worried.

Seriously. You don't want to know. It's for the TwiDash shippers that might be reading. the author said, smiling sexily into the camera like a sexpot.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that there's now a camera. But hey, I wanna be like Daring Do! So I have to go on adventures and see weird stuff. I get the feeling whatever is behind this door will fall into that second category," Rainbow Dash said. She opened the door, stared inside for a moment, and then shut it again. The author continued to smile into the camera and do sexy poses.

"That was me and Twilight having sex. While Pinkie Pie worked the camera," Rainbow Dash commented, as if this was the most normal thing in the world.

I told you not to open it, the author scolded, winking into the camera.

"Would you stop it with the camera? It makes me think of Pinkie Pie recording... stuff," Rainbow Dash made a face and wheeled around so that she could leave that door firmly behind her. At least Pinkie Pie wasn't an Alicorn. That might've made the whole scene a little weirder.

If Pinkie Pie was an Alicorn, she wouldn't be behind the camera, the author said rather suggestively. Rainbow Dash decided that things were getting a little too graphic for a teen rating and walked towards Sugarcube Corner. Because it was now only a couple feet away from her.

"Well, I've already seen two Pinkie Pies. A third can't hurt," Rainbow Dash commented. Maybe she'd finally be able to make out with this Pinkie Pie. Or somepony. Rainbow Dash hadn't made out with anyone yet, and it seemed like everypony else was getting some. It really wasn't fair.

Be patient, Rainbow Dash. Your hookup comes at the end of the story. I need you so I can show off all of my creativity.

Rainbow Dash sighed, but realized she would have to hold back for now. At least the author hadn't ended it at the first paragraph, when she'd attempted to make out with Discord. That would've been silly and ridiculous.

"Okay. So, what's this Pinkie Pie doing?" Rainbow Dash asked. She peered into the window of Sugarcube Corner and was surprised to find absolutely no Pinkie Pie there at all. Instead there was another stage, just like the one in Rarity's house, and another Rarity, just like the one stripping on the other stage in Rarity's house. This time Rarity in a robe. Rainbow Dash quickly looked away from Rarity and towards the crowd of onlookers. It was smaller this time, but just as weird and diverse.

There was a second Rainbow Dash, however this one was all in shades of green. A ten feet tall Gummy was throwing ones onto the stage as Scootaloo wolf whistled.

"There's two Rarity's now? And they're both stripping? Why is she so promiscuous in your mind?" Rainbow Dash asked the author.

Have you seen those eyes? She's totally the type. the author replied.  

"Okay. I've seen two Pinkie Pies, two Twilights, two Rarity's and a second me that's been colored entirely in shades of green. Where's Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash asked, thinking of her meek, buttery friend. The author simply pointed to Fluttershy's house. It was hanging off of one of the Twilight tree/library/homes like some kind of weird fruit. Rainbow Dash flew up to the window.

"You can't make Fluttershy weird. She's just too.... Fluttershy-ish," Rainbow Dash reasoned. Then she realized that reason had nothing to do with anything. In fact, reason was quite useless and went off to elope with logic somewhere far, far away from this fan fiction. Rainbow Dash peered into the window.

Fluttershy now had a yellow mane and tail, and pink fur. Angel was apparently a carnivore, because the grumpy bunny was gnawing on some kind of meat. Rainbow Dash really wasn't eager to find out exactly what type of meat it was. Fluttershy was circling the ceiling, staring down at the floor. Her entire house as covered with various pelts and furs, presumably from animals she had hunted.

"Really? You're going to make an anti-Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash questioned the author.

Say hello to Shyflutter! the author introduced this newest character theatrically and with lots of thunder booming and lightning flashing. It was really quite impressive. Rainbow Dash clapped politely before getting back to the point.

"Okay. I've seen all of my friends now, and I'll probably need extensive therapy for life. Can I make out with someone please?" Rainbow Dash pleaded. She stopped flying because she was now on the ground in a field, with no other ponies in sight.

Fine. You've let me ramble on for at least several hundred words now, the author agreed because the author was nice and kind and sweet and amazing.

"Hey! I said stop doing that!"

Oops.

the author agreed.

"Better. Now, who can I make out with?" Rainbow Dash asked eagerly. Just then Discord appeared in front of her. This Discord had purple eyes and an orange beard. Hereafter he will be referred to as Discord #2.

"So, I'm making out with Discord #2?" Rainbow Dash asked hopefully.

Yup. Go for it, my friend. Rainbow Dash then proceeded to 'go for it' but was interrupted by Discord #1 reappearing, still with his arm around Hayseed. He spotted Discord #2 and approached, smirking like evil beings are apt to do.

"Hey, good looking," Discord #1 flirted.

"Right back at'cha, hot stuff," Discord #2 flirted right back. Hayseed watched, thoughtfully chewing on a piece of hay.

"Right. We're gonna go off and have a threesome now," Discord #1 said. He picked up Discord #2 and Hayseed, the disappeared again.

"You said I could make out with him!" Rainbow Dash complained to the author.

Don't blame me! I didn't do that, the author said. Rainbow Dash sighed and sat down in defeat.

Do you want another Pinkie Pie? the author offered. Rainbow Dash nodded, sniffling. With the noise of a small elephant being shoved into a large mouse's mouth, Pinkie Pie appeared right above Rainbow Dash. She then fell on top of them. Without waiting for someone to come steal away this make out partner too, Rainbow Dash began to fiercely make out with her.

Such a happy ending..... I think I'm tearing up a little. the amazingly cool and awesome author who was the best and most sensitive but still cool person in the world said. The author reached for a tissue and blew her nose. Everything disappeared again and there was only a few dots trying to scrape out a life in the severely anti-dot white plain they had to live in.

Hey! That could be taken as offensive, or an allegory for racism or whatever, the author pointed out. So the white plain promptly became an orange plain and the dots turned into green polka dots which then joined the circus and became quite famous.

Much better. The author smiled and ended the story.

End Next Chapter: Alternate Ending: Fluttershy Ending (Guest submission from Midnight-Specter) Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 24 Minutes