Shitty Chitty Bang Bang

“I guess this is the part were I tell you that I always loved you but I don't. I really, really don't.” twilight frantically tried to stop the bleeding from the gaping hole in my stomach but it was no use. The blood flowed heavily from the wound and wasn't going to stop till every last drop was pooled onto the dirt. I took a cannon ball right through me but some how I was still alive... well not for long. I could feel everything slowly start to drift away from me until it was just me and twilight. Even in the middle of a war she tried to save me, a war that waged on for hours that seemed to never end or come any closer to an end. A stalemate. I could hear the clashing of metal and the cries of battle but only faintly. I think I even heard an engine in the distance and a horn honking. For the first time I missed home.

“Just... don’t speak, save your strength.” Twilight knew there wasn’t anything she could do to save me but she tried any ways. I haven’t seen my life flash before my eyes or any thing they say happens before you die. But I know this is it. I could feel the heat from my body slowly leech into the ground and the blood in my veins becoming less and less. I wonder if I'll dream? So now Twilight sat next to me and having to accept my fate... I already did. How did a human end up dying on a battle field, in the middle of one of the largest wars in Equestria? I guess it started when I died the first time.

My name is Meason and I have been a brony for some time and even converted my friend who would make fun of me for it. I'm six foot and two hundred and sixty pounds but with the way I'm built I only have a some what small gut that hangs over my belt. Thick curly brown hair on my head and face, I mean lumber jack running through the forest and chopping down trees with a single hit beard. Usually brown eyes, they tend to change color, and the face of a pure man (sinker). With my lightly tan skin I looked like a model (what's with this guy?). And then there is my friend Travis. About as tall as me if not an inch more. White and smooth unlike me with a forest on my arms, legs, chest, and back. Some what skinny but not fat and then there is his chin (ha).

All this started at a gas station at night (like most slasher films). We were going to the beach and I was going to have chicks all over me (riiiiiight). With all the strange weather this summer there was snow on the roads so we had to be careful... and I was about to be beaten for shoving it in Travis's face.

“Fat ass!”

“Two chin!” that what was funny about his chin to me. I out weigh him by a hundred pounds and don't have one. If you didn't see my small pot belly you would think I was skinny but broad. People always asked me if I played football because I was so well built for it.

“Mexican pedobear!” at this point I was on the other side of his shitty truck and leaned forward and said quietly.

“Virgin.” we just both laughed and got back in the truck. It was an old rickety piece of shit but it worked... sometimes. Tan with a brown strip down the side it was no chick magnet but I was at least (ha). Now we were back on the snowy roads with the snow softly falling down. It was peaceful and quiet that late night... and a little romantic. I slowly placed my hand on Travis's leg as he was driving.

“Move yer hand now.” I quickly moved it back as he swat at it and I laughed. He wasn't gay and neither was I but him and I and some other of our friends were the gayest strait men ever. If you ever saw all of us in the same place at once it would be bad for your sexual/mental/physical health. Where we were at the snow was a couple inches high but the black ice was horrible. Soon it wouldn't matter because a couple more hours and we would be at the state line and out the snow... or so we thought. The truck was a pain in the ass.

“No, no, no!” Travis started turning the key after the truck's engine sputtered and went out as we were crossing a bridge that was over a river. Travis was trying his best to restart it but it wasn't working. I sat back I watched him mess with some switches and nobs.

“Told you it was a piece of shit.” he just glared at me and turned the key again. It rumbled back to life and we were on the move once again. I was glad and don't get me wrong I love the snow but it was summer. I wanted to get to the beach and show off my rock hard abs (protected by a generous layer of fat).

“Ha! Ah knew ah could-ahhhhh!” Travis quickly turned the wheel and drove us out of the on coming lane we had slowly drifted into as the truck was coasting. A small car hurdled past us with it's horn blaring. I held on to the 'oh shit' handle as the truck lost traction and we span on the ice. We managed a couple of three sixty's before we came to a stop. I slowly looked out the window at the guard rail that stopped us from falling into the partially frozen river. Getting in those waters would be reverse puberty and poor Travis would have to wait even longer (I'm going to catch so much hell for this). We looked at each other as we breathed heavily and I managed to smile.

“Well I'm glad I brought extra boxers.” Travis only let out a small huff as he went to turn the key once again. Then it happened. Suddenly bright lights and a blaring horn. We both snapped to his window in time to see head lights blinding us. We both screamed at the same time and the same way kind of like on those funny movies. What ever it was plowed into us and flipped us over the barrier, sending us into the river. We slammed into the hard cold waters up side down and began to slowly sink. I opened my eye and had a hard time clearing them. When I could see again, while still buckled in and up side down, I saw Travis out cold (to me that was little ironic. You know cause the... never mind) and the cab was filling up with water. I tried pushing up against my door in panic but I knew it wouldn't open because of the pressure and it was smashed into the railing also. Travis's door was also no good and his seat belt pinned him in place too. We were trapped with no hope of getting out.

“What a tit, I got it.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my knife. It's a good thing I'm slightly paranoid and kept it with me all the time. I flipped it opened and was about to start on my seat belt when I heard it. A loud pop and crack. I looked up (or would it be down?) and saw the windshield as it started to web all over. Suddenly water kicked in the fragile glass and poured in. The knife was knocked out of my hand from the force and then sucked out. I managed to get on last big gulp of air before the water rushed in and I pulled desperately at the buckle. It was no use. I looked one last time at Travis as he was still out. He was lucky, he didn't have to know he died. I couldn't take it any longer as my lungs begged for air and I opened my mouth for it to be flooded. It was painful, a lot of people think it's not a painful way to go but it is, but it started to fade away. Everything started to fade away and I saw Travis for the last time. Lucky bastard...

The first thing I felt was soft grass. How did I know it was grass? It itched like hell but then it went away. Then a soft breeze ran over my chest as it slowly rose and fell. I was breathing? I didn't think you needed to breath in the next life. I heard the chirping and singing of birds with the rustling of leaves. It was warm and from behind my eyelids it was bright. I slowly opened my eyes and it stung as if I had been inside in the dark all day. I was looking up at a blue clear sky that didn't have a hint of pollution. Then I looked at my self and noticed I was wearing different clothes. I now had on a white shirt, black shorts, and brown flip flops. I heard groaning from some where behind me as I was done inspecting my self.

“Ugh... Meason?” it was Travis's voice and I looked back up at the sky. I saw something far up above but I couldn't make it out.

“Are we in Shangri-la?” I could hear him sitting up as he took a deep breath.

“Uhh didn' we die?” that's right I remember now.

“Eyup.” he stood up and I could see him if I rolled my eyes up, he also had a white shirt but black pants and black cowboy boots, but I just kept staring at what ever that was in the sky that was coming closer.

“Where's mah truck?” that's what it was.

“Right there.” I was so calm and relaxed as I noticed the one ton piece of shit falling towards me.

“Oh fuc-” then... BAM! Travis turned around in time to see his truck land on top of me and hear the loud crash and snapping of the axles. All four tires popped off and rolled away a couple feet, one stopped in front of him. He stared wide eyed with his mouth open for a bit. Then he flipped out.

“oh my-what the- Meason?!?!” funny why can I hear him? I had closed my eyes when the truck landed on me and now I opened them. I could see all the under carriage in my face and I felt really weird. I could still hear Travis flipping out.

“Don't worry I'm fine.” then I heard nothing as I started to wiggle me self out from under the truck. I don't know how I did it because the body was smashed into the ground but I squeezed through. I popped out with a... pop and floated to the ground slowly. Then I noticed I was flat and I mean flat as a piece of paper until with another pop I filled back out. Travis stared at him in slight horror.

“But... you...” I stared at my self and looked my self over. Perfectly fine like always (ha).

“What the hell?”

“ONE!” both of us snapped out of it and flinched. Then I repeated my self.

“What the hell?”

“TWO!” we both stayed quiet as we had no idea where this powerful booming voice came from. When we recovered from shock we looked at each other again.

“Where are we Travis?” he looked around and shrugged his shoulders.

“Ah have no clue.” I looked around my self and then I saw it. With out moving my eyes I tapped him on the shoulder and now both of us stared at the same place. It was... Ponyville.

“Meason is that...”

“Eyup.”

“So we're in...”

“Eyup.”

“That means...”

“I'm going to meet Fluttershy and see if she really is like everyone writes about in the bedroom.” Travis slowly looked at me as I said that really fast.

“Really that's the first thing yer goin' to do?” now yes I'll admit it I am a clopper and I think Fluttershy is best pony but it doesn't mean I was going to go over there right away and try to rut her. I mean come on I am a guy but I like a little romance. I grinned evilly at him and it really freaked him out. Why? Because my eyes and my smile started to grow and I mean grow. Soon they blocked out the rest of my face but I kept going. Then they popped and shrunk back to regular size, deflating like a balloon.

“How the hell did ya do that?” funny no booming voice. I shrugged and looked back at Ponyville with horrendously sexy thoughts. I should never be allowed in Equestria but it was to late. Then I saw a streak of rainbow coming towards us.

“Dude, dude, dude be cool!” I started grabbing Travis and then suddenly slapped him really hard as... SHE neared. Travis was rubbing his face as the rainbow circled around us and slowly descended. I think I might have chibbied when she landed in front if us because everything became bigger to me and sparkled. They both stared at me until they snapped out of it. It was Rainbow Dash and I couldn't believe my suddenly tiny self. I grew back to normal as she talked.

“Uhh hey. You guys alright? I saw something fall and heard the crash all the way in town.” you see Travis calls me super brony a lot. I don’t dress up or pretend I'm in a relationship with one of them, I just really like them. Travis recovered first.

“Yeah just a little shook up.” she nodded and I finally came to.

“You wouldn't happen to be Rainbow dash would you?” Travis looked at me and raised an eye brow as I winked at him.

“Yes. Hey you two are one of those humans Twilight's been talking about right?” I ran a hand through my hair being smooth.

“I don’t know who that is but yes we are. I'm Meason and this here is Travis. And I hear that you are the fastest in all of Equestria.” she just smiled smugly and suddenly inspected something on her right hoof.

“I don’t like to brag but yeah.” I smiled evilly again.

“OK then lets race. Readysetgo!” I was off in a literall blast of dirt as I left the two behind and was now in Ponyville. I turned back to see them both still standing back by the truck far off. Did I really ran that fast? It didn't matter because a saw a hopping pink bundle of pure personality that was the greatest. Back with the other two they watched as I went into town.

“Ok the only living creature in all of Equestria that I know can do that is Pinkie Pie.” Travis nodded then it hit him.

“Oh no.” Rainbow dash turned to him with raised eye brow.

“Meason is an autistic man-child and if he meets Pinkie pie there may not be a Ponyville.” she took off suddenly and went back to town. Travis was going to follow but then he remembered. He looked at Ponyville and then to his truck. He didn't know what to do.

“Don' worry baby Ah'll be back.” with that he took off to town where something absolutely magical was about to happen. Oh and did I meantion I should never be allowed in Equestria.

The Reel Big Fish edition

There she was, so total and utterly... random. I couldn't help my self as I rush forward while she was sitting down on a bench with gummy, that adorable murderer. I ran up to her and grabbed her while spinning. Other ponies watched confused as I swung her around and then brought her into a hug. I set her down and she was still unbalanced.

“Hi Pinkie Pie!” her eyes focused and she looked at me.

“You know my name?” I smiled really big.

“Of course. Who else looks like bubble gum and throws the best parties in all of Equestria?” she jumped up and smiled.

“That's right and some times I taste like bubble gum too!” I couldn't believe it. I was here in Equestria with Pinkie Pie.

“I bet you do...” I started feeling strange again and I knew I had to use it.

“Omc I can't help it I just have to...” I was so over whelmed and had to let out the pure awesomeness of everything. So I just let what ever was in side of me just happen. Now I had no idea where the guitar came from or the band. I didn't know I could play guitar or sing but I went with it. Rainbow Dash made back in town with Travis not to far behind and they came in time for the show. I just started shredding with the electric guitar, playing by my self as ponies started to gather around. It was Eruption and I played the hell out of it, when I was done they started to pound their hooves on the ground. Then the band played with me as lead singer.

Next thing I know Pinkie and me are back to back playing and singing. I started to leak liquid pride. This was the greatest day in my life. I don't know how she knew the lyrics but she kept up perfectly with me as we played. Travis was awe struck as he heard me sing. Lets just say the last time I was singing people called the cops thinking some one was being sodomized. We rocked so hard that the entire town was now gathered around and that’s when she saw me. Lyra couldn't believe it. There was a human in Equestria. She read all about them and for as long as she could remember she wanted to meet one... so she was going to. She started pushing her way through the crowd as the song was coming to an end and I was playing the last part of the song. I strummed out the last note as she reached me. I didn't think anything about it as Pinkie and I bowed as the crowd stomped with excitement. The band was gone and we put our guitars up I don’t know where as the crowd began to leave. All but Lyra. She just stood there staring at me in awe. At this point it still hadn't hit me who she was... until she jumped at me. Leaping strait at my chest, she knocked me down onto the ground and stared really hard at me with a creepy smile. Click. Now I just figured it out. I was pinned down on the ground by the one pony who had a fetish for humans.

“Uhh hey... did you like the song?” I was doomed. She just kept smiling at me with a rape face and started to breath heavily. It was Pinkie pie to the rescue. Suddenly her face was in front of mine as she had slipped under Lyra.

“That was awesome! Who are you anyway?” behind the mountain of pink mane I could see Lyra slip off and creep away.

“Meason, half Mexican and half Italian extraordinary and just near rape victim.” she had a large smile as she looked at me.

“Do you want to be?”

“What?”

“Meason!” I tilted my head back to see Travis coming our way and Pinkie Pie got off me.

“Dude what was that?” I could see he was still in shock from my amazing skills. I got off the ground and dusted my self off as a familiar purple unicorn walked up. It seemed she was excited to see humans in Equestria but wasn't going to plow me down... I hope. Twilight walked up to Travis and me with bright eyes and a book levitating behind her.

“Wow I was just reading about humans. This is great, now I can study you first hand.” I put up a hand near her face as if to stop her.

“If you want a private “study” that's going to cost you.” she looked at me really confused and Travis snickered.

“That's what she said.”

“ONE!” everyone jumped looking around for the booming voice that came from out of no where. Twilight recovered and looked at me again in confusion.

“So I have to pay to study you?” I just grinned.

“Oh once you pay you can to more then just study.” I winked at her and I think she finally got it as she started to blush. At this time cue in the rest of the gang. Applejack was rolling in a cart full of apples and Rarity and Fluttershy had just came back from the spa. I think I chibbied once again because everyone was looking down at me and they sparkled. Travis was really worried about all this strange Pinkie pie stuff I could suddenly do now. Who knows what kind of shenanigans I could get into with this kind of... power.

“Uh what with the lil' guy?” Applejack's accent was some much better in person and better then Travis's. I started to grow back to normal as Rainbow Dash spoke.

“His name is Meason and the other is Travis. I found them on the out skirts of town.” Twilight stepped forward as Travis stood next to me. Her eyes were bright and wide.

“How did you get here? Was it magic? Could you show me?” she spoke really fast and Travis was about to say something but I cut him off.

“We were killed.” they all looked at us as Travis just shrugged and nodded in agreement.

“You were killed?” it was Rarity who spoke.

“Eyup. Pushed off a bridge and drowned.” Travis turned to me confused.

“We drowned?”

“Eyup. You were knocked out and I got to experience every agonizing second of water filling my lugs.” I felt a strange felling and put my lips together spitting out water at Travis, it was kind of like emphasizing my point.

“Then how are you alive?” that was Twilight again and a had a great answer.

“Well miss smart ass we don't know.” this was all very confusing to her and even me but I was enjoying it immensely. Twilight asked us some more questions and it was getting to warm for my taste. So I turned and walked strait to Twilight's house.

“Sorry about him. He's a lil' screwy in the head.” Travis apologized to Twilight as everyone watched me just walk off. They all headed after me and I was just sitting on the couch reading a book. Everyone got situated and Travis sat down next to me as Twilight called for Spike. He came in and stared at us two and the purple unicorn came over.

“So whatcha readin'” Travis looked over as I flipped through the book.

“It's a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.” I let go off it and it floated above my lap. Twilight just burst into laughter and even had tears running down her face. We all just looked at her funny.

“You laughed to hard at that.” I plucked the book out of the air and tossed it to the side. She looked embarrassed and turned to Spike. At this point I turned to Travis whispering as she had Spike take a letter.

“Dude do you understand how great this is?”

“But how did we get 'ere? And how do we get back?” I hadn't really thought about it but now that I was it was clear to me.

“I don't care. I've dreamed of having something like this happen and now it is. You can go back but I'm staying. I've had enough of 'home', it can go to hell.”

“THREE!” we all jumped again at the booming voice. Was it always going to count off each time I said hell (heads up, yes it will)? Travis had a thought (which wasn't often).

“Where are we gona sleep?” Pinkie bound for us and jumped right into my lap.

“He can stay with me!” the others gave her an uneasy look.

“Pinkie dear, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean Mr. and Mrs. Cake have only so much room and the two of you are... umm.” I could see what Rarity was getting at and I agreed in my head. There probably wouldn't be a Sugarcube Corner left.

“Well one of them can stay with me.” it was Twilight who offered. I stood up and hovered an inch off the floor over to her while placing Pinkie on my head like a hat. I raised both eye brows with a grin as I looked at her. Applejack spoke up.

“Then Travis can stay with me. And by the sound of it yer gona feel right at home sugarcube.” Travis smiled, his was not a creeper smile like mine are, and nodded his head. We discussed some more things, like stuff about us and our home, and at about three I was getting hungry.

“So what's there to eat here. I could 'never' guess what yall eat.” I winked at Travis who held back a chuckle. Spike rushed off with out Twilight telling him to and was back in a few minutes with full arms (which wasn't much seeing how they are so short). He laid out the food on the table and Travis and me went to chow down. But there was a problem. It was all hay related foods. I poked at a hay burger as my stomach growled.

“Here you eat first.” I grabbed the burger and shoved it in to Travis's mouth. He gagged (which he does a lot when I'm around) a little and started to chew hesitantly. He thought and swallowed.

“Not bad.” he started eating the rest of the burger as I picked up a hay shake. I sniffed it then took a sip. He was right, not to shabby. We ate until we were full as the others, except Applejack and Twilight, left. I spun around and rushed Fluttershy. There was no way she was leaving with out saying a single thing, I picked her up and looked her right in the eyes.

“You're adorable.” she squeaked when I grabbed her and now she blushed.

“T-thank you.” I put her down happy and went back to the food. The others gave me strange looks and I pretended not to notice as I finished my food. After we were done eating I was getting restless and wanted to do something... or someone. Applejack had stepped out to get things ready at the farm for Travis so that just left Twilight. I turned to Twilight who was taking down notes as she observed us. She didn't hear me walk up behind her as she watched Travis who was playing a game of chess with Spike. I stood right behind her and slowly placed a hand just above her tail, she froze and just stared strait forward. I started walking my fingers alone her spine and watched her with my eyes half closed. I then spoke soft and smooth.

“So when are you wanting that 'private' study session?” she turned her head to look at me with big eyes. She stuttered something but was interrupted.

“Meason, leave Twilight alone. Go and mess with somepony else.” Travis had stopped his game and Spike took the opportunity to switch around some of the pieces on the board.

“Yeah I should. I'm going to go find Pinkie and raise some hell.”

“FOUR!” we all jumped again, it seemed like we would never get use to that voice. I stopped molesting Twilight and went out the door. Twilight didn't know what to do, Travis tried to comfort her.

“Meason's a lil'... strange but he's a good guy. He's one of the best friend someone can ask for and do anythin' for you. Just think of him as like another Pinkie pie...”

A loud explosion thundered in the air and shook the library. Twilight looked alarmed but Travis just went on.

“... only worse.” only Celestia knew what happened out side and Travis really didn’t want to go find out. Some time went on and night was coming closer. Applejack came back for Travis and I still hadn't come back, I had one more thing to do.

“Ok sugarcube, everythin' is all ready for you.” Applejack, Twilight, and Travis all went out side where I met them with my band that I have no idea where they come from. They just stepped out the door and we where waiting just a few feet away.

“So Travis before you leave, I have a song for you.”

I don’t think I was going to be able to go a day with out singing, I was just to awesome. Although I felt something else that was weird, like I was being watched. Little did I know that it was Lyra and she had something planed for me. I don't know how she never saw Travis. Lucky bastard.

Just some more things to come

Ok let's recap. It has been a whole week since Travis and me have been in Equestria now. He stays with the Apple family and I've been staying with Twilight and Spike. Now no rutting or anything of that sort as happened but I do put Twilight in a lot of sexual situations. I have calmed down quiet a bit but Pinkie and me still have fun and even Rainbow Dash joins us when we go pranking. Everything has been going pretty good and I'm up to fourteen on my 'hell count'. I don't know where Travis is with his since we haven't see each other a lot. We mostly are with the mares doing something together. Right now Travis was helping Applejack with the harvest and actually liked it. Manual labor, ew. Me on the other hoof (ha), I was wondering the town with that same strange feeling. I was brought out of my thoughts when something soft landed on my head and bounced onto the ground. I looked down to see a muffin in front of my feet so I picked it up. I dusted it off and inspected it closer. Where did it come from? I looked up in time to see something gray and blonde falling at me.

“Oh fuc...” BAM! I was out cold. How did I know? I woke up in a soft bed with bandages around my head. I didn't know where I was at but I smelt something really good, it started to make my mouth water. I tried to sit up but it made my head throb and I noticed something else.

“Where the hell are my clothes?”

“FIFTEEN!” now that really made my head hurt and I could here someone coming. I looked up to see Derpy. Now I'm sure it was her that fell on me.

“You're awake, good. I was so worried when I couldn't get you to wake up after I landed on you.” this was awesome yet painful. I got to meet Derpy but not in the way I would have liked.

“Oh don’t worry about me, I'm pretty tough.” I tried to sit up again but I just clutched my head in pain. Derpy rushed forward in concern.

“Don't move you need to rest.” I looked right into her... eye. One was looking directly back at mine and the other upward. I really don't care what anyone else thought. I liked her eyes and thought they were beautiful. I laid back down and nodded. She covered me back up and turned to leave.

“I'll go get something for you to eat, so lay back and relax. Lyra will be back with something for your head.” now this time I sat up as she rounded the corner, going back to where ever she was.

“L-Lyra?” I heard some clanking of dishes most likely and she called out.

“Yes, she helped me bring you to her house so we could take care of you.” I suddenly felt like I could take on a gorilla in arm wrestling. No need for them to take care of me. All better. But one problem. I was still naked. Now I may have an awesome bod (snicker) but there was little ones out there and I do have some respect... some. Then I heard the front door open so I shot down under the covers and pretended to be asleep. I had a feeling I knew who it was.

“Hey Derpy, I'm back.” oh dear Celestia help me. I could here the soft patter of hooves coming closer to me. My entire body was under the blanket and I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Oh hey Lyra. He's in your bedroom and he's awake.” damn it, no use faking it now. I slowly pulled the blanket down my face only to come face to face with Lyra.

“Uh hi.” she had that same rape face as she leaned over me. I'm trapped in Lyra's house with her hovering over me while I'm injured. I wonder what Travis is doing, so that's where we're going. At about the time Derpy crashed into me, Travis was sitting in the living room of the Apple house. An excited Applebloom was jumping around him.

“This is gona be so fun, ah can't wait!” reluctantly Travis had agreed to help the Crusaders with lasso cutie marks. It's hard to say no to six large, pleading eyes. So now as he followed Applebloom to the two other Crusaders he was having serious thoughts about running off. But a promise was a promise. They found Scottaloo and Sweetie Belle by some cows with piles of rope.

“Awesome you're here. Stand over there so we can start.” Scottaloo was a little excited her self to try to rope Travis. All three Crusaders grabbed some rope and started. Now Travis was totally relaxed because not a single one of them could reach half way to him after an hour. He waited patently for them to get board and give up until Sweetie Belle finally got him. The noose slipped down to his ankles as she had let go and cheered.

“Yay, I got him.” unfortunately the end of the rope was for some reason tied to the leg of a nearby cow and her sudden yelling spooked it. She took off fast and Travis had his feet yanked out from underneath him, being dragged behind the cow. The Crusaders jump over Travis as he flailed around trying to get free. The cow was fast, fast enough to out run the three fillies who chased after them. The cow was heading strait for the orchard and turned to dodge a tree, causing the rope to snap. Travis kept on rolling though and rolled face first into the tree.

“You ok sugarcube?” Travis opened his eyes to meet Applejack's over him. He tried speaking but his throat was dry and he tasted blood.

“Don't worry, we'll get you inside and cleaned up.” she stepped aside as Big Mac came forward, slipping his head under Travis's arm and pulling him up. They made it slowly to the house where the three fillies waited nervously. They were sure he would be angry at them but he wasn't.

“Oh don't worry about it girls. It was just an accident.” they all went inside and Applejack got a wet rag to clean off the blood from Travis's forehead.

“Now that's strange, no cuts at all.” with all the blood gone she couldn't see a single scratch on his head.

“Well the good thing is you're fine, so let's eat everypony... and Travis.” they all settled down around the dinner table and prepared to eat dinner. Travis was having a swell time... asshole. Now back to what is important. Me.

“Oh don't worry, I'll take good care of you.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” Lyra was laying on top of me, I wasn't going anywhere soon. She ran a hoof through my hair and looked at me seductively. It really wasn't helping that she was running her tail up my leg from out side the blanket, the only thing separating us. Derpy finally came in and she got off me with a grumble.

“I brought muffins!” She came up to me with a basket filled with freshly baked muffins that smelt absolutely wonderful. I took a deep breath and forgot all about my near rape experience again as she placed them in front of me. Golden brown with some steam coming off them, I couldn't wait to try them. I grabbed one and tossed it between hands because it was still a bit to warm. At this point my mouth was watering bad and I couldn't stand it any more. I took a large bite and it tasted... completely average. Needless to say I was confused, all I ever read about was how amazing her muffins were but this...

“There... wonderful.” I swallowed what was in my mouth and placed it down besides me. Derpy smiled and turned to leave. Once she was gone Lyra spoke up from across the room.

“Yeah they're crap.” I looked over at her then back at the muffin.

“I wouldn't say that. It's just... not what I expected.” she shrugged and started walking over to me.

“Now if you're in the mood for a different 'muffin', we can always lock the door.” why the hell am I always placed in these situations (karma, bitch)?

“Sorry I'm allergic.” I pulled up the blanket as she got to the bed side and grabbed the basket full of muffins. She poured them out on the floor and looked at me innocently.

“Opps.” I didn't understand what she was doing until she slammed the basket into my head. It didn't hurt but it caught me off guard and she pounced me.

“Now me and you are going to-” she didn't get to finish that sentence as Derpy called out once again.

“Hey Lyra where are his cloths?” Lyra looked irritated and placed both front hooves on my chest to hold me down.

“He doesn't need them right now.”

“But Pinkie Pie is here and she said she need's his help with something.” Lyra huffed and leaned forward as she whispered to me.

“Don't worry, we'll finish this later.” she got off me and headed out the door.

“I'll get them and help him dress.” I didn't like the sound of that, I was perfectly able to do it on my own. She came back moments later using her magic to levitate them and stopped at the door, dropping them. She gave me another seductive look, I knew what she wanted me to do. I was smart and wrapped the blanket around me as I got out of bed. I guess she hadn't plan on me doing that and left angry. I dressed quickly and headed for the front door where Pinkie was bouncing up and down waiting for me.

“Well thank you Derpy... and Lyra. I'll see you later.” Derpy waved as I left with Pinkie and Lyra looked pretty pissed that she didn't get to have things go her way again. As we turned a corner and was out of their sight I looked at Pinkie.

“Thank you, you had no idea what-”

“Yes I did.” I stared at her she she just kept walking along.

“What do you-”

“I was contemplating on whether or not I should let her but then I thought that if I did you would be to tired for us to go party.” I stopped and stared at her again as she just kept on walking like nothing happened. So the only thing that saved me was that she wanted to go party, don't I feel special. I followed her again feeling less like partying. We went to Sugarcube corner and sat inside. I wonder what Travis is doing about now? Let's go see.

“... and pull!” Travis held onto a large rope that was tied to what was left of the bumper of his truck. After some discussion about his life before he remembered his truck, sitting all alone in the field. He just had to bring it back and Applejack insisted on helping, so the two and Big Mac headed for his truck. Now the had ropes tied on it and pulled it back to Sweetapple acres. With the tire broken off it was a horrible task that left them exhausted half way there. They sat against the truck trying to catch their breath as a Purple unicorn came along.

“Hey you guys. What's that?” Twilight looked over the beaten hunk of junk they rested on.

“This here is mah baby.” Travis patted the hood and the driver side door popped off with a loud groan.

“Well it seems that your 'baby' is falling apart.” Travis stood up and went to place the door in the bed of the truck, sighing sadly.

“So Twilight, do ya think ya can help us move this thing?” Applejack spoke as her and Big Mac stood up once again. Twilight looked over the battered metal and thought, after a little while she formed a plan. She would use her magic to levitate it a small amount off the ground and they would keep pulling.

“Thank you a bunch lil' lady.” Travis said as they made it back with in ten minutes and placed the truck near the barn. It was getting late so Applejack invited Twilight for dinner and she accepted. It seems like once again Travis is having a wonderful time and me... well it wasn't pretty. I was at Sugarcube corner for only about five minutes when Lyra walked in, I knew she was trouble. I was just hoping she wouldn't do anything since the Cakes were here. I was sitting at the counter pretending not to notice her as she sat besides me to the right. I just sipped on a chocolate milk shake trying to think of the ways I could get out of this. But something was off. She ignored me too and ordered the same as me. When her shake came she pour some sugar in it, I thought they were sweet enough as is and I love sweet stuff. She mixed it in and finally turned to me as if she just noticed me.

“Would you give me the honey please?” she smiled sweetly and I blinked at her. I turned to the left of me and spotted the honey jar, grabbing it. I turned to find her still smiling and handed it over to her, watching her pour it into her shake and sip on it. Nothing happened after wards and we both sat there, the only noises from the sipping. Mine tasted different though. It was colder and had a... bitter... after taste... wow, Lyra suddenly just seemed to glow... I think... I... might... be... in...

I regret nothing

I felt heavy and my head was foggy, I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember was the... shake. Now it came to me. I heard shuffling around after I turned to get the honey for... Lyra. She must have switched the shakes after she put something in her shake. Something tells me that when I open my eyes I won't like what I see. I then slowly opened my eyes and what I saw I... liked. It was just the sky, bright blue with few fluffy clouds. Something was around the sky though like it was in a frame. I looked around and noticed that there was walls made of... dirt all around me. Then I heard heavy breathing and low, frantic talking.

“Oh my Celestia, what have I done?” it was Lyra and she seemed really worried about something. Why was there dirt wall around me? Suddenly I was hit in the face with something and it got in my mouth. It tasted horrible, it was dirt. Dirt? Dirt! I was being buried alive. I spat it out as more dirt came raining down on me.

“Hey what the hell are you doing?”

“FIFTEEN!” I heard a yelp and then nothing at all for a couple of moments. Then Lyra slowly poked her head over the edge of my grave.

“Oh my Celestia, you're alive!” she smiled in relief but I just gave her a pissed look. I wasn't about to be buried alive twice in my life (I am never going back to Mexico). I stood up and shook the dirt off me as she backed up. It wasn't hard for me to get out since the hole was only deep enough to cover me up with a couple feet of dirt. Now I stood facing her and she looked at me sheepishly. Then she burst into tears.

“I'm so sorry. After I drugged you I made an excuse to the Cakes and dragged you out. But by the time we got here to the park you stopped breathing and I thought I killed you.” I just looked at here with a blank face, literally. I didn't have a face any more. Turning around my face came back and I walked off leaving her next to my would-be grave. I was going to go to Twilight's and go to bed. I've had a very bad time. Lyra just watched me walk off with out a word to her and she felt relieved she hadn't killed me. She thought at least now she could keep on stalking me but not stalking. More like very careful, nearly every second of the day watching over me and making sure I was alright. I have a knack for attracting crazy woman... and gay man for that matter. I guess nether sex, human or pony, could resist me (totally).

“Hey Meason, why are you covered in dirt?” it was dark by the time I made it back to the tree house and I walked in on the middle of dinner between Twilight, Spike, and Rarity. I ignored Twilight's question and kept walking.

“Um darling are you alright?” I stopped and looked over at them as Rarity spoke.

“Peachy.” I resumed walking and went to Twilight's bed, I usually slept on the couch but I didn't care right now. Laying down under the covers it felt so good to be able to relax and I fell asleep fast. I don't know how long I was asleep but sometime after midnight I was awoken by someone calling my name.

“... could you at least scoot over?” I did as I was asked and twilight slipped in next to me. I hope she didn't mind the... dirt? I opened an eye and saw that I was clean and there was no dirt in the bed. Strange but I didn't care, I was tired. I quickly fell back to sleep.

“Hehe, that feels nice.” a voice woke me up and being hit in the face with sun light. I opened my eyes to nothing but dark blue hair with purple strips.

“Oh my tap dancing Celestia what did I do now?” I was nearly all over Twilight. My left hand was under her on her chest bringing her close to me. My right hand was on her flank by the top of her tail. She had her left leg draped over my legs and was arching a lot into me. I was ok with this.

“I never new fingers could be so... magical.” I chuckled and wish I could remember what I did, maybe I was still affected by the drugs some what.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight shot up and looked at spike who was very confused. Her face was bright red which was funny because it was purple.

“NOTHING! He just gave me a... massage, yeah he gave me a massage.” I guess Spike was ok with that answer as he just nodded his head.

“Can I have one?” Twilight got even brighter, she was almost glowing by now.

“No, go and fix breakfast.” he turned around a little grumpy and left. Twilight let out a sigh of relief and laid back down facing me.

“Maybe I just might pay you for the private “study”, even more so since after last night.” ok what the hell did I do?

“What did you do last night?” Twilight shot up again looking at spike who was holding a tray of food. Wow he was fast.

“Nothing Spike, why don't you take the day off.” he didn't argue with that. He set down the tray on the bad and ran off. After the door closed she waited a couple of seconds and took another sigh of relief. Once again she laid back down next to me.

“So now that he is gone we can-”

“DELIVERY MOTHERBUCKER!” we both shot up as suddenly the door burst open and something came hurdling through the air right at my face. Now when this defying laws of nature and physics happens it makes me feel really weird, like at this moment for instance. I don't know who delivered the package since it was a male's voice but they got one hell of an arm. It was lodged right in my face about six inches. Twilight carefully pried the package from the crater in my face and it popped back to normal. I watched her open it and inside was a letter and something wrapped in paper. She opened the letter as I grabbed the other thing.

“It's from Princess Luna.” she read the letter as I opened what ever it was. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing when I had it opened. It was a ball gag.

“I-I have to go.” she was red again as she took the letter and the ball gag from me. She hurried out the door as I laid there still in bed laughing hard. This was going to be kinky and I wish I was there.

“Oh well let's go to the park.” I said to no one in particular (that would be you). I got out of bed and looked at my clothes again, spotless. Out side it was a beautiful day that was going to become a nightmare.

“Will you play us some music?” a couple of ponies, Colgate, Derpy, etc, was at the park and were around me now. I thought for a second about what I could play. When I had it my pony band appeared and so did my electric guitar. Now when I play I forget about everything else that's happen and get lost in the music, the first two songs were not the problem. I played Dirty Little Secret and Not your Fault, it was the third song that screwed me over. I had a large crowd of ponies in front of me as I was rocking out and really couldn't pin point individuals. Then I started the song that ended my life. Not really but it led to horrible acts of what the fuck.

You know how some people, or ponies, think that when you say something, or sing, that it was meant for them. They get it in their head that you are talking about or to them when you're not. That one line, that repeats more in the song, suddenly set something off in Lyra's mind as she stood in the crowd. Me on the other hand, I didn't think a thing about it. It was just a song. The most wrong right song (or is it most right wrong song) to sing when you have a delusional pony stalking you, who already drugged you too. How was I going to get out of this one? I don't know because I wasn't thinking about it as I finished the song and the crowd stomped in applause. I put my guitar away and the band disappeared like before. The crowd started to disperse but some ponies came up to me still praising me, soon even they left. All but one. Lyra came up to me fast with a very excited look on her face. She stopped in front of me and I looked at her with her wide bright eyes.

“Yes.” it was all she said and then she ran off. I was confused at what she was talking about but then it hit me. It hit me like a sack full of ADHD children. I turned and ran the other way as fast as possible. Unfortunately for me some people, or ponies for this matter, can rationalize the unrationalable (you know what that word is even if it isn't a word. Stupid spell check). Believe what they are doing is perfectly fine. I just needed a place to hide. Forever. I ran back to town and into Travis, been a while since I’ve seen him. He was in Sugarcube corner eating ice cream.

“Hey bud, what's wrong?” I was breathing hard, fat people are not meant for running, and trying not to fall over. I looked out the window and saw her. I jumped past Travis who was sitting at the counter and I hide behind it. He looked at me confused and then at the door when it opened. I don't know how in the name of Celestia she didn't see Travis, but she didn't. She walked right back out and I waited for a little bit before coming out.

“What was that about?” I didn't answer him instead I left and hurried to the tree house. When I got in I locked the door and closed every window.

“I think I'm safe.” again to no one else as I spoke. I went to the couch and laid down, all this “excitement” was very tiring even though it was only noon. A nap would make everything better. I'm not sure how long I was asleep but something felt wrong. I woke up and rubbed my eyes. Looking around everything seemed normal.

“Something tells me I should... JUMP!” it wasn't really a jump, more like pitching forward as a net fell on the couch. I quickly got up and looked around. It was really dark. Earlier there was some candles but now they were all out. I could see about five feet around me but beyond that was dark. “Monster's hiding in the dark” dark. I didn't hear a thing either, not a single sound. I felt something behind me. Now every horror movie has taught me to just run but I slowly turned around. I nearly had a heart attack as Lyra came into view with a large smile, holing a hoof up with something on it.

“What are-” she suddenly blew what ever it was in my face and backed away into the shadows. I coughed and swatted away the powder as I looked for her. I knew my life was in danger but I felt really sleepy even though I had taken a nap. Maybe... I... could...

I could tell I was standing up but I don’t know how. I didn't feel foggy like before but I really hoped I wasn't being buried again.

Do you like chocolate?

The voice seemed distance but I answered it, out loud.

“Yes, I do.”

“I know pronounce you man and wife.” What?

“What?” I opened my eyes to see a Priest pony in front of me and... Lyra. She was wearing a white wedding gown and I was in a tux.

“You may now kiss the bride.” Lyra didn't give me a chance to react and attacked my lips with hers. Minty. She broke away with a huge smile and turned me. We stood in front of a crowd of ponies who I had no idea who any of them were. She dragged me along a red carpet covered in flower petals to a carriage as the ponies cheered. I was still in shock as she led my into the carriage and we took off.

“Where are we going?” I recovered just enough to talk. She turned to me with a devious smile and gleam in her eye.

“We're going on our honeymoon.”

“Oh fuck me.”

“We'll be doing that and more.” I hadn't realized I said that out loud. I was doomed.

When a man loves a pony

I woke up alone, which happens often and makes me sad but this time I was full of joy. I sat up and looked around the hotel I was in with Lyra for our honeymoon. She was no where to be seen and I took this chance to tear the hell out of there. I got dressed back in the tux, sloppily, and made a break for it. Turns out I was still in Ponyville so I just went strait for the tree house. I looked all around as I ran but still no Lyra. I made it inside and was greeted by Travis.

“Hey bud, so what happened the other day?” he was sitting on the couch with a book in hand and I trudged over to him and sat next to him.

“I got married.” he gave me a puzzled look.

“To?” I took a deep breath.

“You know Lyra?”

“Yea-oh. Damn... so what happened?” This asshole, I still can't figure out how she didn’t see him.

“She drugged me twice and the first time she thought she killed me. I woke up in a hole as she was throwing dirt back over me. And now we're married. So... how have you been?” he gave me a worried look and answered me.

“Well pretty good. Ah've been helpin' the Apple's harvest and they even been helpin' me fixin' my truck.” stupid piece of shit, that thing needed to be junked.

“So you've been having just a perfect Brony time.”

“What's a Brony?” we both jumped and looked around to find Pinkie Pie in the room with us. Travis looked like he had been caught with his hand down his pants (again) but I just spoke calmly.

“It's a guy that likes ponies.” she thought about it then smiled.

“Okie dokie lokie.” then she hopped off to the door and left. Travis took a sigh of relief and I just sat back.

“Where's Twilight?” Travis went back to his book and answered me.

“She left to go get something or another. She'll be back soon.” that's nice. I wonder where Lyra is? It's not that I care about her I just want to make sure I was safe. I went to the bathroom and got out of the tux, underneath was my normal clothing. It's weird how I always have them on and they are clean. Coming out the bathroom I noticed Travis was gone and everything was quiet, almost to quiet. I didn't like this at all. I knew I might regret it but I quickly turned around to find... nothing. I looked around some more and saw no one at all. I could have sworn it was Lyra again but no one was here but me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided I would take another nap, so I went to lay down on Twilight's bed. Maybe if I was lucky something would happen and I would be awake to remember it this time.

“See here's the other one like Travis."

“Wow he's big.”

“And a little fat.” it was three different voices and the last one sounded a little tom boyish, the one that called me fat. Now I know I was fat but to call someone fat while they are sleeping and you're in the same room with them is a little messed up. I opened my eyes and sat up to be greeted by six adorable stares. It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders and how they got in I don't know.

“Fat am I?” Scottaloo looked at me sheepishly with a blush and the other two giggled. Then I heard something like dishes being set down.

“Girls time for lunch.” it was Twilight who was calling out. The three fillies left in a hurry and I got up, following them. I walked slowly so when I got there they were already sitting down and about to eat.

“Oh hey Meason I didn't know you were here.” Funny a lot of people have told me that. I just nodded for some reason and sat down next to Sweetie Belle, Scottaloo and Applebloom sat on the other side. They were eating salads, again. One of the few things I missed was meat, no place here had meat. I could always corner a pony at night but I'm not that disparate... or am I?

“Oh Twilight I was wondering if you and, Meason right, were special someponies to each other?” Sweetie Belle suddenly asked this random question from nowhere and if I had been eating I would still have been eating, the question didn't surprise me at all. Twilight on the other hoof nearly choked on air and went red.

“Now why would you ask that?” she looked really nervous and I thought it was funny.

“Because he was sleeping in your bed and then Spike had told us about magic fingers-”

“I'm leaving, see you later.” I got up and quickly made it to the door. As funny as it would have been to see her try to answer that would have been, I didn't want to be in the middle of it. Now that I was free from that I needed something to do, something to get me away from here for a bit. After a little walking around I saw Derpy over head letting fliers drop to ponies below. I caught one as it fell and read it. It said three days from now was... Pony-gra? That sound like...

“No way? Can it be?” if my hunch was correct I was about to be partying like an epileptic at a rave. I went back to the tree house as they finished lunch.

“Twilight what is Pony-gra?” she looked up quickly but Scottaloo answered me.

“It's really huge party in Canterlot. Rainbow dash said it's for adults only though but I don't know why.” Jack pot. I turned right back around and ran. I had to find someone to go with me, someone had to drag me back or I'd be stuck in a gutter for a week before I woke up. It was Fluttershy I found first who was just going for a walk. I ran up to her and picked her up to my face really close.

“Pony-gra.” she looked at me for a second confused.

“It's a really big party in Canterlot and-”

“You're coming with me.” I picked her up over my head and ran before she could answer. As I was running I felt weird and that was because my body became a stick figure while my head stayed the same. So now a stick figure with my head holding Fluttershy in the air was running around town looking for...

“Rainbow Dash!” she was flying low when I called out to her. When she landed I popped back to normal.

“What's up?”

“Pony-gra.”

“Pony-gra?”

“Pony-gra.”

“Ok I'll get my stuff ready!” she took off in a blast, now that left one more.

“Um Meason? I'll go but will you put me down?” oh I was wondering why my arms were getting tired. I set her down and she left to her home to get ready. Now for the last pony. I looked high. I popped out of a cloud that Derpy was resting on.

“Have you seen Pinkie Pie?” she looked confused about where I suddenly came from.

“No.” I slipped back into the cloud and was gone, she started digging in the cloud trying to find me. Then I searched low. Mr Cake had just delivered an order and was heading back to the shop when he suddenly fell into a hole. I caught him as he was falling and looked him in the eye.

“Have you seen Pinkie?”

“Uh no.” I tossed him out the hole and it filled back up. Bon Bon was eating soup that had a mint leaf garnish when it suddenly shook and raised. My head raised out of her soup with the leaf on my head. Cheese soup, yummy.

“Have you seen Pinkie Pie?”

“...no...” I lowered back into the soup and was gone. She lifted the leaf then pushed back the bowl, she wasn't hungry any more. I kept on looking for her but had no luck at all, so at the moment I was sitting on a bench pouting.

“What's wrong?”

“I can't find you any where.” wait a tit. I turned quickly to see Pinkie pie sitting next to me.

“Yeah I hate it when I can't fine my self either.” I quickly grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

“Pony-gra.” she pulled back with big eyes.

“Pony-gra?! That's only the most hard core party ever!” she zoomed off in a hurry in which I assumed to get stuff ready. Now that I had my party ponies getting ready I needed to also so I went back to the tree house. I packed quickly and waited, we wouldn't be leaving until tomorrow unfortunately.

“Oh I know let's go get Travis.” I went out side and started to Sweetapple acres when I noticed a stallion giving out free balloons. I quickly went to him and asked for a red one.

“Um sure but don't you think you're a bit to old for one?” I gave him a strange look.

“No, because no one is to old for free balloons.” and with that I floated off. I held the balloon above me and lifted off the ground as he watched in amazement. Now to Sweetapple acres and my virgin.

“So what does this thing do?” Applebloom asked Travis as she watched him repairing his truck.

“It's like a carriage but a lot faster.” she just nodded and suddenly looked up to see me floating up high.

“Uh Travis, can yar friend fly?” he turned and looked at her with a confused look.

“Not that ah know of. Why?” she pointed up and he saw me.

“Well ah hope he knows how to land.” I had been floating peacefully but then some asshole sparrow decided that it would land on top of my balloon. When it's claws touched the balloon I had I second of floating there to look down after it popped. I held up a sigh that had “uh-oh” on it and then I fell. I think I should have died but I didn't, I was just really flat. Travis and Applebloom ran over to the small crater I made as I was inflating my self back to normal.

“Uh Meason are ya ok?” Travis stopped in front of the crater as I was getting out.

“Like I was missing my Ritalin.” he looked at me confused but before he could say anything I spoke again.

“Pony-gra.” he looked at me confused again and so did Applebloom.

“Ah don't know what that is but ah can't go. Ah'ma going with the Apple's to the rodeo today and be back tomorrow late.” I gave him a grumpy look and walked off. They both looked at me confused. Nothing to do now but go to the tree house and wait. As I was waking down the path of Sweetapple something red caught my eye. Now let me be more specific since there is a shit ton of red things here. He had a green apple half on his flank, time to go have some fun.

“Well hey there big guy.” when I came up to Big Mac he was bucking trees like normal. He stopped and looked at me real quick then went back to bucking.

“Howdy.” it seems like that I'm going to have to keep this conversation going.

“So what's you're name big boy?” he stopped again and looked a little uncomfortable.

“Big Mac.”

“Hmm, do they call you that for obvious reasons or is it something else?” Wait. Did I just hit on him? He looked around real quick as if seeing if no one else was around.

“Ah guess ya have to find out on ya own.” damn it. Why do I have this effect on gay man? I had to get out of this quick.

“Maybe another time.” I winked at him and turned to leave. Why did I wink at him? It probably made things worse. When I was sure he couldn't see me any more I picked up the pace back into town. I got to the tree house just fine and found Twilight by her self.

“Hey Meason, I had a question for you.” she was sitting on the couch and I went over and sat next to her.

“Ok, shoot.” she looked around as if to see if no one was around. I didn't like this.

“What can I pay you with for the “study” time?” never mind, I liked this. I all ways liked nerdy chicks. She was sitting down like ponies normal do but her flank towards me. I gave her an impish smile and started walking my fingers on her flank.

“It depends on what you got to offer me.” she went red and looked around. I walked my fingers to her tail but then grabbed it, yanking her to me. She yelped when I did this and now I leaned over her face to face.

“So what do you have to offer me?” she became bright red as she looked up at me. Sometimes I'm a horrible person (ok a lot of times) but people enjoy it. Some really enjoy it.

To party like the best

I woke up early the next morning totally relaxed. I looked over next to me on Twilight's bed to find her sprawled out with her mane everywhere and knocked out. I might have been to ruff but the smile on her sleeping face said she loved it. I do give the best massages. I would say that massage topped off everything after all the rutting (yeah there I said it, it happened). To me I counted this as my first time here since the other time... I don't want to talk about it. Poor Travis, he was probably going to stay a virgin forever. I mean before last night my hand got more action then him (even though I don't remember what happened). I felt like pulling her real close and sleeping in today but then I remembered something important. Pony-gra. I carefully got out of bed so not to wake up Twilight and went to the bathroom. Every morning for me it's an amazing piss but today was different. When I went to piss it wasn't normal piss. Instead it was sparkling purple that had little stars raising from the toilet bowl.

“I really hope this isn't an STD.” now that I think of it, why didn't this happen with Lyra? And speaking of Lyra she was still missing which was weird. I flushed the toilet and walked away, oh well. I gathered my party supplies and went outside where the others were waiting.

“Took you long enough, I thought Twilight and you were doing something naughty.” it was Rainbow Dash speaking and she had a smirk. Fluttershy looked embarrassed just by her saying that and Pinkie Pie was bouncing around.

“Nope that was last night. We left each other pretty tired, I mean you should have seen it. Everywhere and I mean everywhere.” Rainbow Dash looked at me wide eyed and Fluttershy looked even more red, Pinkie was still bouncing around. We waited for our carriage to come and as we were, Twilight came (but not like last... never mind).

“Hey guys, leaving already?” Pinkie stopped mid bounce in the air and spoke.

“Well duh. We're going to the pre-party today that goes all they way through the night until the real party. Then we'll be back the day after.” Twilight just nodded and our carriage pulled up. The others got in and I stopped before I was all the way in (unlike last night when... never mind).

“I'll be back fo dat flank.” I ducked into the carriage as Twilight blushed and waved us off. Inside I sat with rainbow dash on one side and the other sat together across from us.

“I didn't know Twilight had it in her to rut at all.” Rainbow Dash spoke to as I sat down.

“Oh she diffidently had it in... I'm going to stop right there.” she laughed as the other two looked at us. We had some time to waste before we got there so Pinkie decided we needed to get our pre-game on. From her tail she pulled out a large bottle of... Applejack Danielle's.

“Down the hatch bitches.” she fulled up some shot glasses she pulled out her mane and passed them around. We all drank them at once in one gulp. One. She refilled them and we did it again. Two. Now we where rolling into Canterlot and when we stopped we stumbled out the carriage. Fifteen.

“Move you're ass!” Fluttershy became wild when she got drunk and it was pretty awesome. We looked around and they had party banners and decorations everywhere. Then there was a mass of ponies, minotaurs, dragons, and much much more. We hurried in so we wouldn't miss a thing but before we Pinkie stopped us.

“We can't go until we have some of this.” she pulled out a small red cake and started cutting it. We all ate the cake and it tasted funny but good. I don't see why we should party on an empty stomach. Next thing I know we're in a middle of a crowd cheering on Fluttershy as she chugged down on a beer bong. I was on a table as others were doing shots out my belly button. Rainbow Dash was in the mosh pit rocking out to the band while Pinkie Pie was taking a hit of that sicky icky. I got off the table and found a keg. I all ways wanted to do this.

“GO GO GO GO!” everyone was cheering me on as I did a keg stand all by my self. When I got off someone handed my a bottle of something, I didn't care I was partying. Then suddenly there was a loud snap and a support beam took out the band on stage. Every started complaining about there being no music when some stallion got on the stage.

“We're sorry about the inconvenience but we'll have another band in soon.” the crowd started booing and I was pushing my way to the front. I climb onto the stage and grabbed the guitar. The stallion looked at me and shrugged, I guess it meant he didn't care. I took one last drink and smashed the bottle on my head, worried voices came from the crowd.

Like always my band appeared and we started rocking out and I kept on singing as the alcohol ran down my face. The crowd exploded with cheering as we played. I played for about half an hour before the back up band arrived and we switched places.

“Thank you everypony!” I yelled into the mic as I left the stage and found the others. From there we partied with some more people and made our way all the way to some bar. It was just becoming night time of the pre-party and the last thing I remembered was some red stallion with something around his neck shoving an opened beer in my hand with a large smile. Down the hatch bitches.

“Um Travis are you busy today?” Twilight asked Travis as they sat in the tree house.

“Not really, why?” she put down a letter she had been reading.

“Well Princess Luna is coming here to talk to me about something important and I wanted to see if you would like to meet her.” it was hard for him to contain his excitement, he was absolutely in love with the majestic blue alicorn. He nodded nonchalantly but on the in side he was exploding with joy. Later on they both waited in town at a designated area and she appeared out of nowhere with magic. They both bowed in greeting as she came to them.

“Hello Twilight. Ah this must be Travis, my sister has told me of him from your letters. So where is the one called Meason?” Twilight looked at Travis who shrugged and then she looked back at Luna.

“We don't know. Him and some others went to Pony-gra and were suppose to be back yesterday.” Luna nodded and they went to sit down at a table near the road, talking about small things until Luna and Twilight could discuss the private matters. Later on Travis noticed a carriage coming.

“Think that could be them?” he pointed the carriage out to the other two as it came closer. They saw the bags we left with and went to wait for us. We came to a stop and they waited right out side the door, they could hear whispers from inside. Then the door opened and out came Pinkie Pie looking normal besides her mane a little messier then usual. She saw the Princess and bowed. Twilight stepped up and spoke.

“Hey Pinkie where have you guys been?” she snorted and started laughing as she walked off. The looked at her confused but then Fluttershy came out. Her mane hide the left side of her face and she too bowed when she saw Luna. As she raised the wind suddenly blew and lefted up her mane relieving...

“Fluttershy, what is that?” she had blue star around her left eye and a crescent moon from above her eye brow to below her left eye.

“A tattoo.” she took off in a hurry while covering her face. Then came out Rainbow Dash and she stopped dead when she saw Luna. Everyone else stared at her because she was wearing... a sexy maid outfit. She didn't bow, she just took off into the air and flew off fast. Then came out me and since the carriage was a little small I had to duck to get out. So the first thing that came out was my... shinny bold head and face, no hair or beard any more.

“Hey guys, whoo it's a bit nipply out today. I could cut diamonds with these things.” I rubbed my hands on my exposed nipples since I didn't have a shirt or shorts for that matter. Nope, the only thing I was wearing made all three of them go really wide eyed as I got out fully and stood before them. I was wearing a really really tight, really really bright pink g-string, it made out a nice out line too.

“Ah could have gone mah entire life without seeing that.” Travis looked the other way and shuddered. I don't know why Twilight was transfix since... moving on to Luna. She looked a little confused since from the letters I had hair.

“Are you Meason?” I looked at her as I was still rubbing my nipples.

“Why yes I am, also you should know that guy has the biggest crush on you.” I qucikly walked by them as I pointed to Travis and he went red.

“What is a crush?” before Twilight could answer and trying to hold back laughter Travis intervened.

“It's nothin' really, ya don't need to bother with it.” I left them behind to go to the tree house and got several more wide eyed, opened mouth stares form passing ponies. I went inside to find Fluttershy sitting on the couch touching her still tender tattoo. Now what happened was-

“Where the hell is Pinkie Pie I need the key for this?” Rainbow dash came in suddenly trying to take off the lock that was keeping the sexy maid outfit on her.

“Here I am!” Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere and tossed the key at her.

“You might want to open that when you're alone. Remember?” she looked at me confused for a second then blushed.

“Oh yeah I forgot I have-” the door suddenly swung open again and Twilight came in alone.

“What happened to you all?” Fluttershy rushed up to her and stopped her.

“Twilight can you fix this?” she pointed at her tattoo and Twilight inspected it closer. Then her horn glowed and she tapped it with the tip. In a bright flash it was gone.

“There. You still have it but I changed it to match-” Fluttershy pulled her close and kissed her deeply, surprising her. She backed away and went back to the couch, Twilight was still stunned.

“Yeah she learned something about her self.” I said with a chuckle.

“DELIVERY MOTHERBUCKER!” it was that same ass hole as before but I caught it this time as a package sailed through the door. I went over to the table and opened it to find...

“Hey my clothes, sweet!” I pulled out my shorts and put them on, I liked what I was wearing it was quiet breezy. Next I grabbed my shirt but as I picked it up something fell out. It was a small envelope, I opened it and took out whatever was in side.

“Guys we have a problem.” Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie came over to me as I was looking through pictures from Pony-gra. To say the least we were shocked, well except Pinkie she just laughed. The next picture left me completely at a lost for words. It was Rainbow Dash who spoke.

“Is that you and Shining Armor?” Twilight snapped to us.

“What?” I quickly put away the picture and the rest back in the envelope.

“Nope, these are going away, forever.” I put them down my shorts as Twilight came to me.

“Don't think I want go down there. I already-” the door opened and in came Luna and Travis, Twilight stopped immediately and I put my shirt on.

“... and then ah said ' ah'm sorry ah don't speak french'.” they both laughed at whatever (most likely lame) joke Travis had said. They turned and noticed us.

“if you well pardon me Travis I must speak to Twilight.” he nodded and did a half bow. She came over to Twilight and spoke again.

“As I have written to you my worries, they have come true.” Twilight turned serious and nodded, I didn't know what they were talking about. Both of them went to another room and left us. Travis came over to me now.

“So what happened?” I assumed he was talking about Pony-gra but I didn't want to talk about that...ever.

“Just be glad you didn't go.” I was going to leave it at that, nothing else needed to be said.

This is why we can't have nice people

It's now been about three weeks since we have been in Equestria and couple of days after Pony-gra, thankfully, nothing has happened. Oh I do have all my hair back. How you ask? One day Travis came over to the tree house where I was alone and having an unusual lunch. When he came in he stared at my shinny head with light fuzz still on it.

“Hey fat ass, what ya doin'?” I flipped him off as I continued eating...

“Is that clay?” he asked as he came over and I was eating... brown clay. I nodded my head as I shaped it into a burger and kept on eating, it wasn't half bad. It was fully bad.

“Why are ya eatin' clay?” I held up a finger to motion him to stop as I finished the last of the clay. Then I held my nose shut and closed my eyes like I was trying to pop my ears. Travis jumped back when the clay erupted out my head and face, I then smoothed it around and with a pop it became normal hair.

“Just like before.” I ran my hand through my new hair as Travis stared at me. He was about to ask me how I did it but he thought better then to. It's pretty awesome to be able to do just about anything you wanted. This was really the high light of my week after Pony-gra which was great. No Lyra, no being drugged, no waking up with no hair, and no cake. But something did happen that was quiet... pleasing. I was wondering aimlessly around town since Twilight was busy with some experiment or something. I saw Travis with Applejack selling apples like normal, usually I would go over and give him hell but I didn't feel like it. I felt a disturbance in the force. I started snooping around town looking for this feeling of unease. I was rowing through the town in a small boat and paddled in the air slightly above the ground as I looked though a spy glass. Then as I came closer to the tree house I felt it. I got out the boat and it floated away into the sky to never be seen again. I crept around the tree house until I found an open window and as I peered inside I saw this disturbance. I stood there and watched for about ten minutes before Travis happened along.

“Hey what you doin'?” he came over to stand next to me.

“Watching TwiShy.” he raised an eye brow and looked in the window with me as we watched Twilight and Fluttershy get it on.

“Nice.” was all he said as we both stood there for a couple of minutes before another voice sounded behind us.

“What are you guys doing?” we both jumped and turned to find Rainbow Dash behind us. Travis looked guilty as hell and I just shrugged and motioned for here to be quiet and come here with us. She walked up with a quizzical look on here face and looked through the window and stopped dead. She looked wide eyed at the scene inside the tree house.

“woah.” she just kept watching in a trance as we watched with her. She was really getting into it and I decided to have a little fun as I bent down and got real close to her ear.

“Nice isn't it? You're really liking this arn't you? I'm sure they would let you join.” she couldn't pry her eye's from the action inside.

“Do you think so?” she said a little distant as I smirked and got closer, breathing on her ear.

“Yeah I do. Just go inside and have a fun time.” she started biting her lip and suddenly turned away, leaving us. Travis and me continued to watch as Rainbow Dash walked in side. Twilight and Fluttershy stopped and stared at her as she walked seductively to them, after a couple of nervous glances we were now watching TwiShyDash. After a couple more minutes there was another voice right between us.

“You guys are pervs.” it was Pinkie Pie and she just watched with us. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back when she brought out a tub of popcorn, so now the three of us ate popcorn while we watched a threesome. Needless to say it was a pretty good time. Now skipping ahead a coupe of days later I went over to Sweetapple acres to see Travis. Instead of being like a normal person (where's the fun in that?) I quietly crawled in through the window to his room where he had is back to me. I know being a big guy you wouldn't think I could sneak so easily but I can, just think of me like a fat ninja. All around the floor by him was crumpled up pieces of paper and he was writing on another. He finished it and held it up to look it over, that's when I crept up behind him and quickly snatched it. He turned around with a scared face as I jumped back with the letter beginning to read it.

“Give it back asshole!” he tried grabbing for it but I moved out of his reach. I started reading out loud.

“To the dearest Princess of the Moon, Luna, who's mane is like silk night and coat of dark blue such as the sky as the sun makes way for you. I am but a stranger to this land and to you but the heart knows not of such things. I would throw my self in a daggers path that aimed for you. I know that you are royalty and I am but a commoner but when I lay my eye's upon you I feel as if I were a king. Even if you were to refuse my love I would still love you from afar so as not to bother you again. Travis.” I looked up at him and his face, ears, and neck was beat red. I looked down at the letter then back at him. I am a horrible friend. I quickly turned around and jumped out the window with the letter still in hand. Travis tripped trying to climb out the window so it gave me an even bigger head start on him. Again I know I'm a big guy but I can ran fast like hell. After some more running with Travis still trying to catch up I made it to the tree house and burst in side.

“Spike!” he was sweeping the floor and I tackled him to the ground.

“Send this letter to Luna!” he looked at me scared and confused.

“Send. Luna. Now.” he nodded his head and let out green fire. Travis made it in time to see the green flames eat the last bit of the letter and stopped dead. He went from red to white to gray. He just stood at the door way doing nothing as I got off Spike, walking away. He stood there for two hours when Twilight came back from where ever she was and tried to get pass him.

“Travis? Excuse me.” she couldn't get him to budge and decided to just use her magic to teleport on the other side into the tree house.

“What's wrong with him?” she asked as Spike was still cleaning and I sat on the couch reading a book.

“Oh I broke him.” it was the only answer I gave her as I kept on reading. Not to much later Spike let out a burp and a letter popped out. He opened it as Twilight came over to him.

“It's from Princess Luna.” that snapped Travis back to life as he quickly looked at him.

“She says that she needs all the girls and the humans in Canterlot in a hurry.” Travis looked like his skin turned black like it was poisoned. I got off the couch and went over to him since it seemed like he broke again. I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

“Ah'll murder you later.” he slowly looked at me with hatred in his eye's and I laughed as I went to get ready to go. Twilight had Spike round up the others and soon we were in a carriage on our way to the Princess. To Travis this must have seemed like death row and I was trying not to laugh the entire time. The carriage took us all the way to the castle and Travis looked ready to pass out as we got out the carriage. We were greeted by a guard.

“Princess Luna will be with you momentarily until then she said to make your self comfortable in the castle.” he turned around and led us in side the majestic palace. We all went our separate ways in side, except Travis he just kinda stood there. It felt so great being in side the castle as I walked down the halls and then out side on a balcony where I found Rainbow Dash messing with two Pegasus guards. She was making faces and doing other dumb stuff to make them do anything but they stood there like stone. I walked up to them as she gave up.

“Here lat me try.” she watched me with a raised eye brow as I slowly walked up to the one on the left. As I got to him I got as close as possible and ran a hand under his jaw covered in white fur. His eye's twitched a little at this and I brought my face to his ears.

“You're going to like this.” I whispered into his ear and pulled back a little. I then started to run my tongue up along the edge of his ear causing his eye's to roll to the back of his head. I flicked the tip of his ear as Rainbow Dash let out a gasp as she was looking below the waist (so to speak since... you get what I mean), even the other guard was staring. He suddenly took off with his legs crossed as he flew off. Rainbow Dash started laughing so hard she was crying and the other guard eyed me warily. I left the two on the balcony and began roaming the halls again. Mean while Travis was in the in the throne room staring at the floor when suddenly Luna and Twilight came in. He looked up at them and Luna didn't even acknowledge his presence as they stopped in the middle of the room.

“Just as I feared, the peace negotiations have gone sour with Saddle Arabia. They have threaten war.” both held a serous face and then a unicorn guard came in with scrolls floating in the air. Twilight went to him and he gave her one from the many he had. As Twilight was busy with the guard Luna looked towards Travis and he froze but then she smiled at him. He felt relief and returned her smile in kind. Now back to me. I was wondering the halls when I saw another two guards stationed at an elaborate door. I was probably going to the moon for this.

“Hey there is a mare stuck between the railing on the stares and she can't get out. I mean you should see her it's funny since her tail got caught and is being held high and everything.” the guards looked at each other real quick then at me.

“We'll go at once... to help her of course.” they both left a little bit faster then a walk and I turned back to the door. I slowly opened it and slipped in side while closing the door softly. It was a massive chamber decked out for a royal female. I made my way through the dimly lit room to find a large, majestic, round flank sitting on a mass of silk cushions. Princess Celestia was reading some scrolls and had a mass more of them next to her. Time to be sent to the moon.

“Hello there sunshine.” I spoke smoothly as I ran a hand through my hair but she didn't respond. Maybe she was really into her ready like Twilight would get. I cleared my throat loud to get her attention but it still didn’t work. I was starting to get annoyed.

“Hey miss bubble butt.” you see her flank, while sitting down from what I could see, was nice. Round, firm yet still had some give, and big. I am an ass man. But I was trying to get her to notice me already.

“Hey twat!” I raised my voice and she put down her scroll. Ok moment of... never mind. She used her magic to get another, still ignoring me.

“So you just going to be a royal bitch?” still not a single reaction. At this point I was getting a little pissed.

“Fine... bitch.” I turned and went back for the door but some shifting stopped me. I turned back to see her... sipping from her tea cup. I stormed out and closed the door hard, confusing the guards as I left. I went to the throne room to see if they were done yet. I saw Twilight with the guard, as she finished a scroll he would quickly replace it and carefully give her another, and Luna was eying Travis from across the room. Damn, I was hopping she would whip him or something. She motioned for Travis to come to her and he did as I decided to get with in hearing distance just in case. He stood next to her and I was a few feet off. Was Twilight and the guard closer? Luna and Travis whispered to one another and I couldn't hear anything. Twilight and the guard seem even closer now. I wasn't sure but the two had been getting closer and closer to... Suddenly the scrolls in the air exploded, sending pieces of paper everywhere, and while every one was confused the guard had ran forward and leaped into the air holding a... I moved as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough, he was already coming down on Luna with a knife but he never got to her. Travis moved into the path of the blade and the guard landed right in front of him with the hilt on Travis chest, right at his heart. I yanked the guard back and pushed him to the ground but he didn't move. When was I holding a knife? When I grabbed him he took the knife with him and I had some how got a hold of it. Now he was laying on the ground with his back to us holding his throat, twitching. I dropped the knife and turned to Travis who was on the ground not looking to good.

“That was a very stupid thing to do.” I said as I knelled down and placed my hand on the wound trying to stop the blood. Twilight came over with fear in her eyes. Luna didn't know what to do she just watched as Travis life flowed between my fingers but soon it slowed down.

“Hey... ah'm ok.” I softly shook my head.

“No you're not idiot.” soon the blood stopped.

“No seriously ah'm fine.” I looked at him and he seemed ok, besides the blood that is. I slowly lifted my hand and underneath there was no longer a wound. We all stared at the spot where the knife and clearly stabbed him but it was gone. I looked back up at him in disbelief. Then I slapped him really hard up side the head.

“Asshole.” I got up and stood there as he tried to get up but Luna stopped him. She didn’t care if the wound was gone she had some other guards come and take him somewhere to lay down while I was fuming. First Celestia ignores me and my best friend nearly dies, pulling a Jesus trick out his ass and acts like he never got stabbed at all. I looked back at the died guard, he wasn't moving any more. Great now we're going to get caught in a middle of a war. I need some chocolate.

I am not a whore

It was official, we were at war with Saddle Arabia and their king would not try to make any peace negotiations. It would be about a month for some reason before any battling took place, so that gave plenty of time to screw with Travis. I spent the next couple of days after the attempted assassination stabbing and cutting him (I'm such a great friend). After I got bored with that I decided to give Celestia another chance. I made my way to her chambers once again but there was no guards this time so I walked right in. She was laying on her side while reading a book with her back to me.

“Hi.” I stood a little away from her and she stood up. Still turned away from me she lowered her head to the ground and raised her flank, stretching with a groan. I nearly got a face full of sunshine.

“So is this how you apologize?” she stood back up and I thought she was going to turn around but she just laid back down. I squinted at her as she continued reading.

“You just going to tease me?” she didn't move or respond, I was starting to get annoyed again. I expected a sly grin as she looked at me from the corner of her eye but she kept on ignoring me.

“So you're still going to be a royal bitch arn't you?” still nothing from her. I just turned and left before I did something stupid like pin her down and start nibbling on her face. I would probably get executed for that. I was angry and that made me hungry so I went to the castle kitchen. It wasn't a long walk since I had been there before on a tour of the castle. When I got there... it was a fat man's dream. Spices of every kind, foods from around the world, and the sweets. A whole walk in closet of sweets, I was drooling on my self. After a half hour Twilight came down looking for me.

“Meason are you here? Travis said to look for you in your natural habitat.” I was in the middle of eating a hunk of chocolate as I was cooking something wonderful.

“Oh there you are. What are you doing?” I was dumping the contents of the large frying pan into a giant tortilla as she came over to me. I wrapped it up and poured cheese on top. It was a two foot long, six inch wide burrito.

“This saucy bastard is called the A.D.” she looked it over with a raised eye brow.

“What's that?” I turned to her looking like the terminator, left eye robotic and my right arm with no skin just metal also speaking like him.

“It is known as the Anal Destroyer. It consist of egg, guacamole, every known cheese, every known spicy pepper, and hot sauce in a big ass tortilla. After ingesting you will not be able to shit for a week and after a week to the very second you took the last bite... you better hope you're strapped on a toilet.” she gave me a weird look as I went back to normal and then eyed the A.D. Using her magic she picked it up and started eating, the first bite made her moan in delight just like... never mind. I watched her eat the monster burrito and some how finish it all. She wasn't able to move at all as she sat there comatose by pure awesomeness. I had to carry her back to her room and she was not so light any more, I should know since was was on top of... stopping there. After putting her to bed I walked around until I saw Travis in the garden with Luna. I sneaked closer and listened.

“I am sorry I have not been able to talk to you sooner. I received your letter and...” the stood facing each other surrounded by blooming roses and a gentle breeze blowing through the air. Travis was nervously playing with his shirt and Luna looked off to the side.

“You were true to your word about throwing your self in front of a dagger... I thought it was... sweet.” this was almost painful to watch, I wish I had a cam-corder to tape this. Both were blushing and looked at one another.

“Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” she asked Travis and he stiffened up. After a coupe of seconds he nodded.

“Ah would love to.” too sappy, I had to walk away. I left the two before I saw what happened next. I went back to walking around the castle for hours and nothing happened at all. I was bored out of my mind, I wish something would happen.

I just kept wondering around and would peak into random doors. Some were empty, some had sleeping ponies, and one had a stallion clopping like no tomorrow. But nothing interesting at all. Until I found a lone door in a hall. I walked into the room and stopped in my tracks.

“What the hell?”

“THIRTY FOUR!” that damn voice was annoying most of the time, but it did have it's uses. I looked all around the room that stretched for miles before me. The walls bent outward and the ceiling was a sky of green clouds that had purple rain falling from them. It was grape, I know because one rained right on top of me. The floor started to shake and the tile I was on suddenly shoot into the air with me on it. Raising higher and higher I could see a castle come into view. It was Canterlot but... everything was upside down, inside out, and everything in between. I stopped right at a path that led into Canterlot and started going down it. It led me not to the castle but to a large, empty throne made of fused pieces of wooden furniture. I slowly went to it as I looked for any one but no one was there. I decided to sit down in the throne and surprisingly it felt like a really soft pillow.

“Do you like it? I made it my self.” I couldn't see who had spoke but I knew who it was, a deep, manly voice that sent shivers down my spine. If I was a girl and heard that voice my panties would drop so fast they would be half way to China ( but what would it be here though?).

“Hello Discord.” suddenly the throne shook and the next thing I knew I was sitting in his lap.

“So you know my name but I don't know yours.” I looked up to the mismatched head that twisted above me. He had a cool smile with interested eyes as he looked at this strange being in his lap. I gave him a small smirk and slipped off his lap, walking away. He sat back watching me leave and then floated in the air. Suddenly I stopped walking as he wrapped his body around me and came face to face with me.

“You're leaving already? But you'll miss all the fun.” I smirked again and looked at him with half opened eyes.

“The God of Chaos, I like that because you bend everything to what you want and cause everything to lose control. With no control things become exciting and fun.” he gave me a smirk this time and kept watching me while wrapping a little closer.

“But I like control. Because with a little control you can make things go a long way and even more fun.” you see my mouth says thing before my brain can kick it in the mouth and I end up in bad situations like this one. Discord pulled his head back a little and thought.

“I never gave any one control before.”

“Who said you'll be giving it.” SON OF A BITCH! I need to put my foot in my mouth to stop this kind of shit from happening but it was to late. He brought up his bird claw hand and trail a finger under my chin.

“Who are you?” I was screwed and almost literally. I was about to answer but then there was a loud banging and Discord rolled his eyes. He uncoiled around me and the room started to shrink, everything reverting back to normal.

“Come in!” he walked past me and sat down on a couch that was once the throne while the door opened. It was Cadence and she just came to my rescue.

“Hello Discord. Is the human... oh there you are.” she looked at me while Discord took a glass cup and twisted it into different shapes of creatures. She looked me up and down before she spoke again.

“I was wondering if you weren't to busy that if you would accompany me to the garden.” I just gave he a strange look but I wasn't about to say no to a 'get out of jail for free' card.

“Good bye Discord.” I walked with Cadence and just happened to look back at him as he shaped the glass into a pair of hand cuffs and winked at me. I was beginning to wonder if there was any strait males or did I just turn them all gay. We walked out the room and I could hear things twisting and warping in side. We left his room and made are way back to the garden.

“I am Princess Cadence.” she looked t me with a smile as we walked.

“I am King Meason.” hey she didn't know that. She gave me a surprise look.

“That is surprising.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow.

“Why, is it because I don't look like I could be one?” she went a little wide eyed and blushed as she shook her head

“No it's not that, it's just umm... what are you King of?” I was loving this.

“I rule over the land of Hostess. We are prosperous and have large amounts of land and other territories but unfortunately we recently lost the wonderful land of Twinkies, they will be sorely missed.” she nodded her head and she listened.

“I am sorry to hear that.” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, let's just hope she never finds out. Soon we were at the gardens and saw Luna and Travis sitting on a bench real close together. They were just talking to each other.

“This is why I asked you to come with me. I am glad Princess Luna had finally found some one but I worry about what he is like. She had never really had any form of relationship like this.” I nodded my head and thought about the same for Travis. I always thought he would die a virgin.

“Travis is a good guy. He's a one girl kind of guy who is nice and will respect them. He's like Luna, he doesn't have much experience either, I had to teach him a lot of things.” I talked as we watched them and suddenly they were both kissing.

“Well I am glad to hear that. What did you teach him if I may ask.” we both kept watching them as they finally broke apart and stared at each other. I wish I had a sling shot.

“How to talk to girls, what to do around them, stuff like that. He wasn't ready yet for bedroom lessons yet.” she looked at me real quick and I watched her out the corner of my eye.

“So do you have anyone you're with?” I asked as I still watched the two in the garden.

“I am married to a stallion named Shining Armor. Right now he is taking part of our agreement.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow.

“And what would that be?” she looked around nervously and blushed.

“Well once and a while we both agree to go for somewhere for a couple of weeks and... experiment.” I just happened to know about that form Pony-gra and the picture. I nodded my head and spoke.

“So why are you here then?” she blushed more and looked up at me.

“Well I've been to nervous to try anything at all.” I just looked at her in silence and she shifted uncomfortably. Then suddenly she said.

“Would you like a massage?” it took me off guard and I had to take a second to processes it.

“Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders and she smiled. She motioned for me to follow her and we left the two in the gardens. Soon we went into a room that I assumed was the royal massage parlor since it had everything need for massaging.

“Here.” she used her magic and gave me a towel. I was confused at first then it hit me. Get undress and wrapped this around my waist. I just undressed on the spot and she quickly turned around. When I was done she led me to one of the tables and motioned for me to lay down. As I laid down on my stomach she let down her mane and took off everything she had on as she gathered the things she needed.

“Just relax.” she flew up and landed on top of me, straddling my waist. Then she began rubbing oil onto my hairy back. She started wonderful strokes as she massaged deeply into my muscles and it was all great. Until I felt a searing burn like red hot pokers digging into my back. I quickly looked back to find her levitating a lit candle and poring the wax on my back.

“Shh, don't worry.” I was trying to get her off me as she pour more but then she found my weakness. She quickly lowered her head to my neck and bit me. I let out a moan and melted just like the wax as she grind her teeth into my flesh, it was more firm nibbling then chomping.

“Maybe you can give me those bedroom lessons.” she pulled back just long enough to speak and went strait back to biting. I couldn't help it as I pushed into her bite, it was just to good. I nodded my head as she poured more wax while still biting. It didn't burn any more since my brain was focusing on the teeth, the wax even felt good now. If the Princess of Love wanted lessons in love, who was I to say no?

A rut on the dark side

So it turns out that Cadence is a liar, she was never nervous at all. Seven times makes you really tired and hungry, which is why I woke up. I was still in the massage parlor when I woke up, Cadence out cold on top of me on a couch. Needless to say she didn't need lessons at all but I'm not complaining though. Ok well maybe a little. The heat from the wax was still in my back not going away, it felt like a dull burning. I have done some kinky stuff but that was a first. I tired to gently push her off of me but she had her hind legs wrapped around my legs like a vice.

“Where do you think you're going?” she picked up her head and looked at me seductively, this was reminding me of Lyra but no so drugging-you-twice-thinking-I-killed-you-and-force-you-to-marry-me look.

“But I'm hungry.” I said with a little whine and pouting. She just put her mouth down to my chest and started running her tongue up to my neck where again she bit me. I was going to have a wonderful time trying to explain all the bite marks on my neck. I was trying not to moan but this was a losing battle.

“Ok maybe one more time.” I said as I closed my eyes but then I heard something. While Cadence was nibbling on my ear I tried to look around. Then I saw the edge of a rainbow mane up high on a shelf. I reached behind me on a table and grabbed a book that was laying there and tossed it at Rainbow Dash. It hit her and caused her to fall off with a yelp but before she could hit the ground Cadence used her magic to stop her. She looked up at us with a nervous chuckle and Cadence grinned evilly.

“If you wanted to watch you just needed to ask. Sit here.” she used her magic to bring Rainbow Dash over to us and then promptly sat her down on my face.

“Here's breakfast.” mean while (hey if you want the clop write it yourself) Luna and Travis were sitting down to a private dinner in her chambers (this would be the first time he as every seen a girls room I'm sure). It was a lovely dinner of deep fried hey fries and salad (I really miss meat and every day Spike looks more and more appetizing) in a candle lit setting.

“... and that's why ah don't bowl any more.” both of them started laughing at another of his (lame) joke. After wards Luna had a more serous look on her face.

“If you don’t mind me asking... why do you... love me?” both of them blushed and Travis pushed around his food on his plate.

“Well... it's hard not to. Ah mean...” she looked him with gentle eyes and when he tried to go on she shot forward and kissed him. She knocked off most of what was on the table and knocked him back to the floor with her on top. She broke the kiss but then blushed hard.

“I'm sorry. I didn't-” Travis put a finger to her lips and smiled. It was a very cheesy moment if you ask me. After wards they picked up what fell off the table and Travis noticed something sitting on a counter. It was a ball gag.

“Oh yes that was a gift from somepony. They said it was to help me sleep better but when I asked Twilight how it worked she wouldn't give me a strait answer.” Travis was a little wide eyed as he looked down and the black strap and red ball.

“Uh that's not what it's used for.” she gave him a confused look and used her magic to pick it up.

“Then what is it for?” he grabbed it from the air and messed with it.

“Well when two people want something different in the bedroom... they use things like this.” she gave him a slightly less confused look.

“How is it used?” he slowly looked up at her and got closer, bringing the ball gag around her.

“Well like this.” he carefully put the ball in her mouth and the strap on the back of her head. Travis thought he would need to change pants when he looked at her. Luna had the most innocent of looks on her face as she had a ball gag on, she then tried talking but was muffled. He was about to take it off of her when the door opened and Twilight came in.

“Princess Luna I was... coming back later.” she slowly back out and closed the door with wide eyes. Leaving this awkward situation, I had manged to get away. After tasting the rainbow while the love dove gave me a mouth hug they went on each other. They were so busy with each other that they never noticed me slip out and I never noticed that I was naked. I kept wondering why guards were giving me strange looks and maids were biting lips and batting eye lashes at me. It wasn't until I ran into Rarity and Applejack did I found out.

“Um darling where are your clothes?” I gave Rarity a weird look and looked down. Eyup, in my birthday suit. At least this time I knew where they were.

“That is a question not for me so I'm going to raid the kitchen again.” I walked pass them while putting a little thrust in my step, give them quiet the eye (and mouth) full. I went to the kitchen once again, I mean skittles are nice but I need something more filling.

“Whatcha cookin'?” Pinkie Pie popped out of no where as I had on a white apron that said kiss the cook's glorious ass.

“Pizza.” I was rolling out the dough and was getting ready to tossed it up and spin it. I failed, never been good at doing that, and just rolled it out again. After putting it in the oven for a minute I was getting ready the rest of the topping but Pinkie had something else in mind.

“... and this and this and this...” she was in a counter tossing down different items for the pizza. Peanut butter, jelly, marshmallows, hot sauce, BBQ, and anchovies.

“What the hell, why not?”

“THIRTY FIVE!” we both ignored the booming voice as I pulled out the dough and we piled on the topping, slipping it back in. As we waited Pinkie Pie picked up a very large whisk, you could fit a small cantaloupe in it, and turned to me with a devilish look on her face. I just shook my head and said.

“Sorry not big enough.” she just cracked a big grin and pulled out an even bigger one, you could fit a watermelon in it.

“Why don’t we check on the pizza, you first.” she put down the whisk and stuck her tongue out at me. We pulled out the pizza and set it to cool off, it looked interesting to say the least. I got a pizza cutter and cut it down the middle, one for me and one for her. Pinkie Pie just shoved hers in her mouth while I looked mine over.

“Here goes nothing.” I brought it to my mouth and took a large bite. It was the most wonderful disgustingly tasty thing I’ve every eaten, like being kicked in the tongue by pure sugar while vomiting. We stuffed our faces and Pinkie Pie pulled something out her tail. She handed it to me and it was my clothes.

“You should have seen them they were going at it like no tomorrow.” I put my clothes back on and we left the kitchen as it was getting close to dark. Everyone had their own rooms and that's where they were heading except me. I had something planed for my virgin friend. It all would have gone smoothly if he hadn't woke up. Luna also happened to be walking the halls as she heard him screaming. She opened his door to find him tied up with his bare ass in the air. I had a glowing red hot brand in my hand.

“What's going on here?” she asked and I just stared at her as Travis sighed in relief.

“It's your mark so he'll be yours forever.” I pointed the brand to her, showing her that it was a crescent moon.

“Ok.” she nodded and turned back out the door.

“Time for your Cutie Mark.” I'm sure he woke up everyone in the castle as I branded both ass checks. He'll heal fast so he'll be fine. I left Travis a mess as he rubbed his healed and throbbing ass. Luna went back in with a confused look.

“Are you ok?” Travis looked up from the floor with a look of disbelief.

“That ass hole just got done brandin' me...” she gave him another confused look.

“What is branding?” I am quiet a wonderful friend, I thought to my self as I made way to the very top of the castle. The night was cool and a soft breeze blow in the air. Even before my pronominal fuck-you-do-what-I-want powers I was still pretty wild and energetic. But it was all ways nice to relax and take everything in. I was on a balcony at the near top of the castle, looking over Canterlot and the land beyond. It was quiet beautiful.

“So you can keep still.” I smiled as this new female voice sounded behind me. Someone I thought would never be here.

“Have you ever realized, that for good or evil, you can stop and look around... It makes me sad.”

“What does?”

“That the two words have to exist so that we can define anyone different from us. They don't exist naturally and yet we try to make everything fit them. Two words that caused so many problems between others.” there was a simple short hum behind me like an answer. We both stood there and looked up at the sky. The many stars dotted all around, seemingly endless and countless.

“And yet you fear evil still.” it was another female voice that I could not mistake and how both of them were here I don't know. I gave a soft chuckle before I spoke.

“No because good or evil there is beauty in everything and that beauty makes me smile.”

“So you fear nothing?”

“A fool fears nothing but a brave man shows no fear. I do fear something and I now everything about it.”

“what is that you fear?” I didn't answer for a few moments, I traced out the patterns the stars made in the night sky.

“My self.” there was more silence before the first voice spoke again.

“And why would you fear your self? Why not just love yourself?” I could hear as two sets of hooves came closer to me each on a different side of me.

“Why do I fear my self? Because I stopped looking under my bed for monsters when I realized their inside me.” there was more silence but then the two leaned closer both with their mouth right by my ears.

“Maybe you would like...”

“... to show us this monster...”

“... for the night.”

“... for the night.” they both said the last three words at once and it sent a cold chill down my back.

“You also asked why do I not just love myself. I do, there's just so much I need to spread it around.”

“Why not just everywhere?” I might just be one of the luckiest guys ever.

“Oh trust me, it get's everywhere and there's always plenty.” and with that two different legs wrapped around me and we took to the sky's. I'm it was going to be one hell of a walk but worth it. Hey, good or evil everyone needs love. Some at the same time.