The Steadfast Sky : Friends Together III
The Grey Potter
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11495/The-Steadfast-Sky
http://cosmicponyfiction.tumblr.com

We didn’t speak when we left. Discord wrapped a thick cord around my ankle, heaved the Element between his wings, and just walked. I was tugged along, stumbling in his wake, only able to watch his tail as it flicked back and forth.

The bugs, whatever they were, they didn’t shut up. They mocked us. Teased and taunted. Called us names. Discord’s mimicked voice called to me a dozen times over, offering their love. My own voice moaned, asking Discord to let go of his shame.

Numb, I pulled a bubble of silence around us. I could at least give us that.

We passed by Bookend’s statue, and I couldn’t help but look at it. It was like a being of fire, frozen in a single hate-filled moment. He cowered on his stomach, like a cornered animal, face furiously turned up at the dozen bug ponies silently swarming around him. The alicorn was wreathed in a mane cut so sharp and thin, the blades seemed to twist as we moved past, flickering like a flame.

And, set perfectly on the beastly thing’s snout, was an almost comedically perfect pair of stone glasses. Wise scholar… Valued friend…

Friend.

I closed my eyes, and was tugged gently forward by Discord’s shackle.

We marched up the stairs, numbly picking up our packs as our doubles silently dashed up the stairs after us, all rushing for the exit. I stumbled as a few bugs tried to slap or trip me, some stopping long enough to stick out their tounges or silently boo us. But mostly they fled to the light, shed their copycat skins, and flew up into the clouds. I didn’t bother to wonder where they were going.

I bit my lip and tried not to think about it. I didn’t need more reasons to hate myself right now.

Discord tugged me down the graveyard, bags dragging in the crook of his elbow. He led me down the hill, beyond the little gate, into the dirt road.

For a moment, he stood, looking down the crumbling path. I looked to him. I didn’t think we should leave. It was nearly sunset. Maybe we should at least stay inside tonight…

But I didn’t drop the silent spell. I didn’t want to talk to him. Especially not over something so… so pointless. Meaningless.

He got my idea, at least. After a few more moments, he turned around and pulled me into to the Illuminator’s black stone shrine.

When we were just barely inside, in a place of fallen banners and crumbling desks, he broke the chain. Dropped his bag. Set the Element gently down.

He looked at me once. Struggled to say something through the silence. Looked away. Then he loped off, not even able to say a single word. Where Discord went, I had no idea. I didn’t even know where I wanted to go. So I just sat down, right where he left me, staring at the door, wondering when Discord would return. He didn’t. So I just stayed where I was. I rolled the Element in front of me, just nudging it with my ankle. Sometimes, when I paused, I can feel a part of it flutter under my leg, like a rapid little heartbeat.

I wrapped my legs around it, holding it close, cold stone quietly quivering under my cheek.

I’ve been so stupid.

Presumptuous.

I shoved my face into the Element. Did using big words mean that I was any smarter than the dummy I was a year ago?

I’m still such an idiot.

And idiot and a dumb, little kid.

I hurt us both so much.

So I sat up.

Took a breath.

Held it tight.

Sobbed a little too. Until all my tears were just a crust across my cheeks.

Then I picked up the stone Element in my aura and marched deeper into the dilapidated shrine.

The old building didn’t seem to have been abandoned too long ago. Maybe some time within the year. Old rugs and banners were in place, unless they had fallen off the wall or been kicked aside. A lot of the wooden furniture was still standing upright and felt pretty stable, if not a little dusty. Leaves and vines crept around doorways and billowed through hallways, but they hadn’t begun to clog or plaster everything yet. Occasionally I ran into skittering rats or birds that had made their nests in the rafters, but we left each other alone.

I didn’t find Discord in the main building, so I decided to cross an overgrown courtyard and look in the smaller, squatter part of the complex. But, that’s when I spotted him. I was halfway across the lawn when I saw Discord sitting atop a little decorative wall, staring into the distance.

I held my breath, and begun to approach. His ears perked up. As I arrived, his yellow eyes turned on me, wide and full of tears.

“Luna,” he whispered, turning away dramatically, “I’m sorry, I’ve treated you so poorly. Perhaps, between us, there really was something so special. Perhaps it was love! If we just—“

I dropped the heavy element down on Discord’s head.

“Haven’t you done enough damage?!” I shouted, “Go torment somebody else, you stupid bug!”

“Just trying to be nice, bab!” not-Discord groaned, rubbing his head. “But mites and mice alike! Pony women, you’re rough aren’t ya?”

“Do I need to say it twice?!” I brandished the Element like a mace. “Get out of here!”

“Won’t make a single promise to that!” He stuck out his tongue, “I’m better than that little bloodletter, bab! You’ll see! You’ll be crawling back for a kiss, you will!”

I was not in the mood for this. I raised the Element again, and the bug got the message loud and clear. He clambered away and launched himself into the air, buzzing as his body burned away, leaving a black insect beneath.

I wondered tiredly, do I have to test every Discord I come across? Well, at least I only have one building to check or fumigate.

Unless Discord had gone off into the woods…

I wandered into the next building. It seemed to be a kind of dormitory, like the one we had stayed at in the Shrine of Loyalty. Lots of rooms were locked, but many swung open easily, revealing small rooms with one or two bunks. Sometimes they had little tables, or a chest of drawers, but most of them were simple and bare.

I nudged my nose into one room.

I saw Discord, hunched in a corner. His eyes flicked up, stunned, red flecks on his chin—

He shouted, “NO!”

In a blast of directionless color, the door slammed shut, almost on my snout.

“Dis-CORD!” I shouted. “Don’t shut me out!”

Muffled, he cried back, “Just… just gimmie a minute! Let me clean up!”

“Let me IN, Discord! I don’t care about that!”

“I care! It’s not right!”

“I will teleport in, so help me! I am going to sit beside you, and… and…” I faded out, voice getting weaker. “Just… just let me in, Discord. Please. Just let me in.”

After a moment’s notice, the doorframe shifted under me, and I nudged my way in.

Discord sat on the far wall, not too far from me. The blood was gone, and his arms were folded politely.

“Where is it, Discord?”

“Where is what?”

I stared at him, just so… so very tired. I dropped to the ground, resting my legs on the Element.

I said, “We’re not talking until you finish eating.”

“I said I was done.”

“You’re not.”

His eyes darkened. He looked away from me.

“Can’t I have my privacy from you?” he said.

“Not if we have to learn how to live with each other.”

“We already live with each other.”

“Well we haven’t lived after… after today.”

He continued to look away, not even daring to steal a glance at me.

“I hate fighting with you, Luna,” he mumbled. “Why are you so forceful lately?”

“I told you why.”

“What?” he said, “You’re getting in my face about it because… what you said…”

“Uh-huh.”

His frown looked less and less offended. Now he just seemed confused.

“What, so,” Discord said, “Ponies get more aggressive after they’ve, uh, found themselves a partner?”

“Discord,” I huffed, “I don’t give a single silly thought to what’s ‘pony’ and ‘not pony’ about me. I don’t think, ‘well, I’m a pony, so I guess I do this.’ I’m just Luna. I do what I want and say what I feel. And I guess, as Luna…” I tried to catch Discord’s eyes. He refused. I continued talking anyway. “As Luna, I aggressively care about you so much, that I make you uncomfortable.”

“Yes, I am uncomfortable?” Discord said, staring at the floorboards in confusion. “Can you leave so I can have my peace?”

“Nope!”

Discord made an annoyed sort of growling sound. “Please?!”

“Only if you admit that, after I leave, you’d actually have peace.”

“Okay, I’d have peace if you left!”

“No. That’s a lie.” I moved a little closer, almost automatically. “Even if I leave, you’ll still hate yourself. You’ll still beat yourself up and tie your insides in knots. I’m not the enemy here, or the cause of… I just want to help.”

Discord blinked, then rubbed his eyes. “What were we even talking about anymore?”

“How much I care about you. And I guess…” Now I looked away. It felt like I had something so much clearer to say when I came up here. “I just… I want us to be comfortable around one another. The last thing I want is for us to both grow distant. And this, hiding away while you eat, you’re just pointlessly adding to that gap between us. I just don’t want that!”

Discord huffed again, still annoyed, “Why does everything come around to this topic? You’re the one who just threw your feelings… assumed things about me…”

“I’m trying to make up for that too. I mean.” I stared at my hooves, trying to sift through my thoughts. “I want to sort everything out between us. Everything. Because I…”

I stopped myself, trying to put a damper on those feelings, trying to stop that word from taking me over again. No. I have to back off. I have to show Discord I’m willing to just be friends. Even if a part of me now wants something more... Friends. Just friends. Please.

“Discord, you have to admit, we’ve always done so wonderfully together. We’ve always been such good friends. I don’t want anything to get in the way of that. And I mean anything.”

Discord hadn’t looked at me once this entire conversation. He still seemed so angry, so tightly twisted. I didn’t even know anymore if what I said was right, or if it only made him angrier. But for so long, we just sat in that silence, like there was a storm about to break at any second.

Then, in barely a flicker, his little illusion dropped. Blood appeared on his chin, red mess sticking between his talons and toes. Beneath his folded hands, a little body of slate gray and bright red appeared, feathers surrounding it in clumps.

Finally, after so long, Discord’s eyes flicked over to me. It was just for a moment, but I was finally able to lock eyes with him, remaining firm and in control.

Slowly, eyes firmly pointed down, he lowered his head towards the bird.

And I looked away. I didn’t want to see this. I’m honest. I didn’t want to. It was such a ridiculously private act for Discord. Something he always hid, always terrified that somebody might see. So terrified, he didn’t even trust himself to look.

But he trusted me.

Oh thank the sun and moon above, he still trusted me.

“I don’t know why I needed that now. No. I’m sorry. I do know why.” He said it quietly, almost too soft for me to hear, “I like squab. Back in the castle, pigeons were always something of a joke to eat. It’s like eating rats. You only eat vermin when you’re bottom rung. When the proper meat gets stolen from your bowl.

“But I always liked pigeon. Every time I starved myself, back in Canterbury, it was always those birds I craved. I’d snatch them right out of their nests at night. Wring their necks. Dig into the hot flesh.” He stared dully at his hands, at the light speckling of blood. “And when I was done, I’d scoop out the eggs, and eat them raw. Shells and all. It was the closest thing I ever had to dessert.”

When he was done, he summoned a little white cloth. Carefully, with a little scowl on his face, he wrapped up the empty skin and feathers. “It’s a disgusting habit. Makes me sick that I can have one moment of weakness, and take a life just to comfort myself.”

“But I told you, Discord,” I said softly. “It’s really alright. You shouldn’t let it get to you.”

He slammed a fist into the floor.

“Yeah, okay, you’re fine with it, I get it!” Discord shouted. “But no matter how much you repeat how fine it is, it doesn’t mean the issue has vanished! I mean, I’m sick of hearing this from myself! I know it must be a pain to keep hearing me complain about it! But it doesn’t. Go. Away!” He taloned hand dug at his face, like he was trying to scrape off the blood. “I can’t escape the fact that I’m me. That, even if I’m to be some kind of hero, and even if I’m skilled, I’m not… I’m not a pony.”

“Do you… want to be a pony?”

“Yes!” he threw up his arms, “Of course I want to be a pony! If I was a pony, I wouldn’t be a freak.”

And then, it was over. The room rung from his words. He grabbed a cloth and began furiously scraping at his hands and face, scrubbing long after he had washed off all the blood.

And I…

I wanted to tell him he wasn’t a freak. Tell him he was a great pony. Tell him I loved— No. Tell him he was an amazing friend. If I thought he was so amazing, then of course he wasn’t that horrible.

But it was all just words.

And he wasn’t having them.

“Discord…”

He grunted, “I’ve hurt you again.”

“I just wish I could say something you’d believe.” After a silence, I said, “You don’t have to be a pony to be something great, Discord.”

“Just forget it. What I said was dumb.”

“It’s not dumb if it’s what you really, truly think.” I said slowly, “But being a pony… it’s just another thing to be, you know? I don’t think we’re that special.”

“It’s a better thing to be than a Draconequus. You’re such a nice, kind, friendly group…”

“An… a pony can be those things, yes. But. As a group, well, you can’t have a perfect species. We have our own share of problems, our own darkness and evils.”

“Yeah, but you aren’t born murderers either. All Draconequus adults are just killers, cold and to the bone.”

“I know at least one exception.”

I put my hoof on his hand. He didn’t even seem to notice.

So I said, carefully stepping through every word. “Every group, every individual has their problems. Discord, you’re such a good person. You just have a problem, and you’re trying to deal with it. Everyone has to deal with—“

“Luna.” I stopped, stunned. Discord had turned to me, and was looking directly at me, pained. “You have no idea! You’re the best of us! You’re amazing!” His hands landed on my shoulders, and I felt a pang of memory. Back to the tomb. “I’m sitting here moping about how much I hate myself! Celestia’s got a stick stuck so far up her butt that she needed some personal time to extract it! But you! You’re just so happy! When you see a problem you go and do something about it! And that’s exactly what you’re doing here…” He looked away. “And exactly what you did down in the tomb, when you…” He shook his head, tried to look at me again. “You just stood up and said exactly what you felt. And now, even though you must feel like shit, you came and found me, proud and strong, acting as if it was just that easy to look past your problems. You always make it seem so easy. You never let a single thing ever stop you… I… I wish I had half that strength, Luna. Really. You’re amazing…”

I swallowed hard. That feeling was bubbling inside me, gushing like a spring. Tears were welling in my eyes.

“What a thing to say to a filly you don’t love.”

He recoiled, as if he had just burned his hands. For a long time, he just sat there, expression contorting, looking like he was sick. He rubbed his arms, and I wiped away my tears, sniffling.

“I really don’t get it, Discord,” I mumbled, “Everything you say, and everything you do, it just…” I took a shuddering breath. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”

“I can never stay mad at you,” he mumbled. “This whole thing’s making me sick. I hate fighting with you. I hate it.”

“Well then, I’m sorry I misread what you were feeling,” I said, “It really looked like you loved me.”

“It’s just a physical thing, Luna,” he said, “It’s the same as eating meat. It’s my body looking to fill and urge.”

“Just your body, huh?” I sniffled, “So… so what, do you look at every pony, and think, ooh, that looks nice?”

All at once, his eyes snapped open. He sat up straight, and looked dead ahead.

“Do you think that way about Celestia too?”

“Oh life no.”

“Do you think that way about all the stallions you meet? Do you feel the way you do about any other pony at all?”

“No! No, that’s stupid, I don’t feel like I want to…”

Discord closed his eyes, clutching a paw to his chest. He shifted uncomfortably.

I had to think, as hard as I could, be friends. We’re just friends. Just let us be friends. But that bubbling gush I felt, the feelings, the sort of emotions I denied were filling me up.

I trembled a little, trying to hold myself back. Oh, I am such a hypocrite.

“Luna, I can’t do this.” I was both glad and disappointed when Discord stood up and walked a few steps away, face pained. “I can’t let myself feel these things! I can’t let these urges win… It’s not right! It’s not.”

He feels it too.

No, Luna! No. Don’t project. That’s what hurt you and him the first time. Just.

My eyes flick down to the stone orb at my feet.

Just say something honest.

And then, the first dumb truth came out:

“Discord,” I said suddenly. “If you said you wanted to eat all my legs, I’d let you.”

“Okay, don’t be gross. I don’t want to do that. It’s definitely a different feeling—”

“But I’d let you, if you needed it.”

I stood up, and walked up to Discord. He stared at me, clutching his Element.

“Discord.”

“Luna…”

I took a deep breath, and rose above the conflicts in my heart.

I said, “With everything, and anything, you can be comfortable with me. Okay?”

“I can’t be. I can’t allow… Not with all of this.”

“You’re not a freak, I don’t think you’re weird, and the last thing I want to see is you beating yourself up over who and what you are. I know you’re not comfortable with you. I hope someday you’ll be okay with yourself. But for now…”

I walked up and…

Oh, I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and have him clutch me tight, furious, passionate, and finally free of all his self-loathing. I wanted and wanted and wanted so hard, I nearly couldn’t stop myself.

But, I prevailed against my fantasies. I rubbed my neck against his, throat rubbing against his bristling fur.

So strange.

“For now… let me be comfortable with you,” I said, heart pounding in my ears. “Because I am comfortable, Discord. To me, you’re the most wonderful thing in the whole, wide world.”

He sat there. Stunned. Frozen. Unable to move. Maybe out of fear. Maybe because, like he said, he couldn’t let himself.

Then, I left, outwardly smiling, inwardly tormented by my wants. My own need. A need I never thought I’d come to. I wished, with all the blood pumping so rapidly through my heart, that someday, someday soon, Discord would admit to that same need, and not be ashamed of it.

That we’d just admit how much we loved each other.

And… and then…

Please, Discord.

Please…?

There were days when I had dreamed of being by her side. Days where, when she appeared, I’d run to her, overjoyed. I’d make believe a million scenarios, Luna at my side, Luna smiling, Luna happy and proud, Luna this and Luna that. Even now, I rattled through those daydreams, and washed myself in the warmth they provided.

And then my mind snaps shut. No.

I decided, very forcefully, that those thoughts were wrong. That it would be harmful for her, and cruel of me, to hold onto these emotions. It was just another urge, and quickly bundled with all my urges never to see the light of day.

Never examined. Just assumed… And suppressed just as quickly.

I laid on my back, arms and wings spread wide, and stared at the ceiling as it began growing darker and darker. Luna’s words, Luna’s acceptance of me still fresh in my mind. With barely a thought I bound the door shut. I closed my eyes, took an uneasy breath, and hesitantly, so hesitantly, I began to peel back my defenses and really try to feel what I thought about Luna.

An answer came immediately, pushing my heart.

She’s perfect.

It was a like a scab ripped off a new wound, the gush of feelings that filled me were so muddy and confusing. Those thoughts, those are the the ones of the Draconequus, aren’t they? They’re as pertinent, annoying, and downright violent as my hunger for meat. Were these thoughts really mine? Were they my body’s? The Draconequus? I shuddered, and waited for them to go away, slowly boiling back down to normal. Back down to the empty normal times, when I’m just walking with Luna and don’t even think about it much.

And what was left, the thoughts of Discord, Element of Kindness. Prince, Outcast, Weaver of Illusions …

Luna was the greatest pony I had ever met, and I do anything to make her smile. I could spend hours, months, years just sitting by her side, and I’d be happy. From the very moment I had first seen Luna, those graceful little footfalls were things of beauty. Something to be admired. A complete, perfect being.

And suddenly, I thought.

Luna…

I’ve come upon a good question!

It was dark now. I had probably just spent hours and hours turning my thoughts over and over. The floor beneath me was sticky with dried sweat, and my body grumbled uncomfortably from the shift in position.

I rolled into my feet. Stretched a little. Felt the annoying pressures of a body ignored. Oh, how I wished I could ignore this body forever. Without it, I could be something awesome, I bet.

I broke the illusions on the door, and stumbled out into a dark, eerily quiet hallway. It wouldn’t be hard to navigate, but, I wondered how late it was. And if Luna was already asleep, could I reliably find her? I padded down the empty halls, growing anxious, shivering with the anticipation of just seeing her…

“Luna!”

A lump in the courtyard shot up. Our saddlebags surrounded her, Element held between her legs. That had to be her! I jumped out the window and soared circles around the courtyard. I landed with ease and trotted towards the stunned filly.

“Luna, I—“ I laughed, “Oh man, I hope I didn’t wake you. But I had to say, I’m sorry for how I treated you today. I’m just so—“

And then the Element of Honesty smacked me in the jaw.

“I told you to leave me alone!” Luna shouted, “It’s not even funny anymore!”

“Wh-what? Luna…?”

“What, do you think, oh, this time, she’ll really fall for it? Huh?!”

“Luna! It’s me!” I gripped my Element and made it flash. Luna gasped.

“Oh! Discord! Uh…” Honesty dropped from her aura and she rushed to my side. “Um… Whoops! Bugs! You know… Those stupid, stupid bugs!”

“Yep! Yep, I get it… But geez! Ow!”

Luna hovered at my shoulder, eyes wide. She seemed to reach out to comfort me, but stopped, blushing. Oh, when she blushes…

I thought to stop myself, but then, I didn’t. I smiled, insides gushing with warmth. Oh, this feeling.

“Hey Luna?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Why, in the whole goddamn world, do I hate to be happy?”

“I don’t know,” she smiled. Blush burning so bright in the dark… “You think being happy will make you some huge asshole?”

“I guess so, yeah. I’m worried that I’d just get carried away. Forget Kindness, just care about myself…” I grinned, and sarcasm crept into my voice, “Just ravage the world with how stupidly free I am.”

I stopped with a little laugh, and it was silent. We both stood, staring at each other, both of us burning in the dim light, listening to one another breathe…

“Actually, that’s um,” I laughed nervously. “That’s pretty much all I had to say. This has been… quite a day, hasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah. One hell of a day.”

I took a breath, and stared up at the dark clouds. I missed the stars in the sky sometimes. I only lived under them for a year, and I missed them. Weird how that works.

Anyway.

“Luna,” I said to the sky. “I don’t like myself—”

“Nope. You don’t.”

“Let me finish...” And, when she was silent, I continued, “I’m not comfortable with myself, or anyone else, and honestly, a lot of my thoughts really confuse me. All I do know, is...” I hesitated, looking right at Luna. “I’ve... For the longist time, Luna, I think... I’ve idolized you. I don’t... That isn’t what we want. What I want. So... want to be comfortable with you. And if that means being comfortable with myself then.... okay?”

Luna was quiet for a while, intensely staring at me. I hope I didn’t say something wrong or—

“Okay.” She finally squeaked, voice strained. “Yes.” Then, after a moment more, “Can I have a hug?”

“Oh! Um… sure?”

In a blink of an eye Luna slammed into my side, throwing me down to the ground with a heavy thump. I gasped, winded, as she squirmed beside me, burying her nose into my neck and clutching me tightly around the middle.

“This is actually very un-comfortable,” I wheezed.

“No it’s not,” Luna mumbled.

“I’m serious, you’re lying on top of my wing…”

“Can I sleep by your side tonight, Discord?” Luna squeaked, “Can I just crawl under your wing, fall asleep next to you?”

A feeling rose in me that I immediately tried to suppress. I didn’t know if it was the Draconequus in me, or just… me.

I paused. Then let the feeling go.

“Yes,” I mumbled, “I would very much like that.”