The Steadfast Sky : Travelling Alone II
The Grey Potter
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11495/The-Steadfast-Sky
http://cosmicponyfiction.tumblr.com

I walked along a simple dirt road, running over several questions to myself. First of all, why am I still heading to this Sanatorium? Why am I taking a road to get there, instead of hoofing it through the woods? Why do I continue to expose myself by taking small jobs in the intervening towns? Especially with how much I argue with myself about accepting payment or not...

But all of those questions pale before the biggest mystery of all: Why is this little thought experiment still tormenting me?

It was fun at first to imagine my own flaws as absolutely awful travelling companions, but now their bickering was starting to take up my entire brainspace, crowding out any and all productive thought. But perhaps this is just a way that my own stress has manifested, and I wouldn’t be able to think clearly with or without them. Maybe the environment is taxing my mind and body, and my only outlet is mental catfights with myself.

But that outlet itself is absolutely exhausting.

I said to myself, “Yes, yes, you were funny at first. Now give it a rest.”

And in a horrible half joke, I retorted to myself:

Pfft. No way.

Absolutely not!

Please, have the heart to preserve us.

“Preserve what?” I said, “A fraction of my own self-loathing?”

I think, Yes, idiot.

It’s only proper, of course.

You have created a mental life, it would be foul indeed to discard us.

“Created life?” The statement from myself was practically unconscious. Just another dumb joke directed to myself. So, I said, “I’ve created a bad habit, or an excessively boring game.” I stared lazily at the dull gray sky above me. “This isn’t even helping me understand myself anymore. I should stop, and find a more productive line of thought.”

I made Snippy snort, Yeah, I doubt that’s going to happen.

“What even was the question I wanted to answer again?”

Of course, Princess was having none of it. Automatically, I let her say, Why dredge up other thoughts you had while you were rolling about in the river mud? What good can have possibly come from that dirty time?

“Oh yeah,” I said dully. “What ideal does the sun represent?”

Obviously it means you must save and shine on every pony!

I sighed at my obvious gut reaction. Snippy grumbled at Martyr for me, but I doubted that the holier-than-thou part of me would stop there. So, I imagined her continued statement.

You must save EVERY pony. Including those both real and imaginary.

My words were instantly picked up by Snippy. Always right to insulting people, her. Yeah, you would think that, Martyr. If it was that easy, we wouldn’t be doing stupid things like wandering towards a stupid hospital.

We already were the sun back in Canterlot! Princess boiled up inside of me, We were the shining jewel, the apple in every pony’s eye. The center of the cosmic universe, that’s what we once were! Please Baker! We should just go back.

“I don’t want to go back,” I said simply. “That life was choking me.”

That life, Princess scoffed, Had a warm bed, food every three hours, a wardrobe to dazzle, and ponies that cared more for you than anything in the world.

“Cared,” I retorted, “But didn’t love.”

I could see Princess ruffle in my mind’s eye, clutching her shawls and flicking her purple braid around her shoulder.

Love is overrated.

“That’s disgusting,” I sighed, “You can go sit in a mental corner now.”

Pish-posh! I refuse.

I forced her anyway, shoving her into a little imaginary chair in a little imaginary corner. She wept aloud, like an elegant baby foal.

But of course, my own brain can’t let that be the end of it. Martyr would have tutted at Princess, and she did. She looked back at... well, me, eyelashes fluttering.

Okay, everybody, let’s not hurt each other’s feelings. Princess, you know that’s a sore spot for Baker. But Baker, you shouldn’t have said something so rude…

“Why am I even listening to myself?” I huff, “Just shut up. All of you!”

And for one single, glorious moment, it was like all the sound in the world came rushing back to me. I noticed, for the very first time, that there were birds in the trees. I could hear the wind rustling tree branches, and the gravel crunching lightly underfoot.

I exhaled through my nose, and relaxed every muscle in my body. When had they tied themselves so tightly into knots? I felt cold, sweat cooling all down my front and back, biting into my bones, the core of my horn…

And then I thought, So I think Baker and Princess should apologize to one another. Princess, why don’t you—

I closed my eyes, and thought that Snippy would laugh at this situation. So she did.

Moments of peace and quiet like that were becoming sparse, and attempts to claim silence only led to self-mockery. To prove that I still had control, I made the personalities say things uncharacteristic of themselves. I made Snippy apologize for hitting, made Martyr say something rude. I played out an entire scene where everybody was nice and happy, doing something dull and friendly, like croquet. But the moment I stopped trying to think of it, my imagination would show them throwing down their clubs and sulk in the corners of my head. I mean, that was what I expected them to do, so that’s what they did.

I came to the conclusion that an idle mind is an unruly place where errant thoughts took lives of their own. I forced every thought I had to concur for an hour.

Through all this mental strife, my head was never clearer than when I stopped in a town and took jobs. Of course, those shades of myself were in every word I said, but they became quieter when I had a task to focus on. When I had magic to cast, and bits of food to earn. Maybe that’s why I always kept to the road. The more towns I entered, the more moments of peace I could have from my own head.

Well, more peace than usual.

“So. Travelling unicorn.”

An aged mare with the cutie mark of a stylized eye watched me quietly. A second pony, a stallion with a leaf on his flank, casually inspected me for disease, like many had along this road. Inside, I felt Princess flare as the carmel stallion’s eyes lingered much too long on my flank. Yes, it’s a sun cutie mark. Is it much too grand for your little mind to comprehend? Of course, Snippy snorted, he’s probably not looking at my cutie mark. Uhg. Disgusting stallion.

Oh, no nice thoughts at all here.

I took a clear step away, and the carmel stallion snapped his eyes away. Princess crisply said, “My name is Helios, and for a light fee, I offer my magical services.”

Unfazed, the older mare immediately asked, “Like what? Are you another doctor? Going training? Because I’m gonna tell you, we’ve got plenty of those.”

“Yes,” Martyr said, humbled. “I know the Sanatorium is along this road...”

“Just a few days from here,” she said crisply. “So I hope you don’t intend to wow us with your pretty spells and majestic attitude.”

“Actually,” Princess said, “My skills lie within the schools of—”

“And you better not claim to be a fortune teller or soothsayer,” the mare continued. “Nor do we much appreciate grand shows of petty tricks. We Earth Ponies aren’t nearly as uneducated as we seem, miss Helios.”

I remained quiet, watching the old mare silently. Snippy quietly boiled under the surface of my mind, preparing a full list of retorts for the jaded pony. Even Princess scoffed in my head, remarking on how rude the mare was being towards her royal Princess. Finally, I allowed Martyr to politely reply.

“You seem rather predisposed to think me a conmare,” I said softly.

The carmel stallion chuckled into a hoof, mumbling, “Oh. Is this the idea ‘Once bitten twice shy...’”

“Silence, Poultice.”

“Er, yes,” he nodded to the old mare, “Pardons, m’lady Frostwind.”

“You can return to work now, Poultice.”

“Eh...” he shrugged, “Shop’s be fine. Think I can do more here. Maybe protect you from uh... The Unicorn Helios’ tricks.” He grinned like he didn’t even believe his own words, like it was a little joke in the town. And then his eyes turned over my back again and uhg, Snippy moaned, I HATE this stallion! Maybe I should leave right now. You know. spend the night enduring Princess’ moaning...

“Madame Frostwind,” I said calmly, not knowing if the voice was Martyr or the simple Baker. “Can I clearly state the magic I have in plain terms, so you can determine if it’s useful or not?”

Frostwind shrugged, eyes frozen to mine. Well, seemed like she wouldn’t interrupt me at least...

“I hold power over Law and Light—”

“Law?” Frostwind curtly interrupted. “Do you think we are in need of a judge? Do you think we have a murder mystery for you to solve?”

“N-no,” Snippy nearly rose in my throat. Baker-Martyr shoved her back down. “It means that I’m good at repairing the irreparable and cleaning the seeming uncleanable.”

Frostwind relaxed. Her eyes went glassy. She was... thoroughly unimpressed.

“Fancy order of magic for a glorified maid,” Frostwind said flatly. “You think Earth Ponies are so helpless we can’t clean and fix our own things?”

“What I do is faster, is less costly, and can restore objects to a state that’s near new.”

“Pah! A likely story!” Frostwind cried, “You’re just selling yourself as a miracle cure, the snake oil we need to cure all of our ails for exorbitant amounts of bits!”

“I will preform any task within my power for a simple night’s stay with meal,” Martyr said.

“Oh yes, a night’s stay,” Frostwind replied, “Yes, a little spot by the hearth, is that all? A place in our homes so you can magically rob us blind with your magic?!”

“We have a stable she can stay at,” the stallion piped up.

“Return to your shop, Poultice, I can handle this mare myself!”

“This is reasonable cost for magic in trade, m’lady,” Poultice said, that quiet “private joke” smile returning.

“Suspiciously reasonable!” Frostwind cried. “It is another trick, I swear it is!”

“Okay then. You opinions are noted, Frostwind.” He grinned again, “You can return to your work. Miss Helios, come this way.”

“Good! Escort her out of town, Poultice!” Frostwind cried, “Bad news, that’s all this Unicorn is!”

“Well, now that mare’s got her rant out, let me show you shops,” Poultice said casually, “There is probably a few things to do...”

“Oh, thank you!” Martyr exclaimed. I glanced back over my shoulder. “But is it wise to defy your, ah, mayor?”

“Mayor? No, no,” Poultice asserted, “Local busybody. Very good at job, best to let her be heard quicker rather than later. So here, I’m sure a few ponies could use your skills here...”

I gave Poultice a grateful smile, Princess already elatedly wondering what exactly her charming smile could glean from the town’s kindness. But then he glanced down my side again and Snippy please contain yourself now’s not the time to blast him!

All in all, there was surprisingly little for me to do in the town. Poultice popped his head in and out of a few shops, and some ponies offered me a couple light jobs. Mostly, I fixed weathered tools of the trade. Things like cleaning and repairing chisels, making a shaky table loose its wobble, restoring an old loom to a state like new. Eventually Poultice left me at an old bakery, where my skills were more thoroughly needed.

It was a bit nostalgic being back in a bakery. The smell of bread, of yeast and dough, they brought back simple memories of a simpler time, a time when I felt like I was simply Baker, through and through. Maybe Princess yearned to be something more, maybe it was Martyr who drove me to work, and maybe I still acted Snippy from time to time.

Maybe it was another place where I ran home every day for fear of death. Where I wondered if there was such a thing as grass. Where I slowly saw all my possessions vanish from our house, and begged an uncaring uncle for his help...

I thoroughly repaired every chipped bowl and splintered spoon for the owner. I pushed myself further than I usually did, to the point where my horn started to pound a little, a mild stress headache. I had gotten them here and there, I never felt like I had anything to worry about.

But then I was asked to clean out the stove of it’s baked-on crust...

“I-I’m sorry ma’am.” Martyr mumbled, close to tears. I had attempted to magically clean a large stone oven. So far I had done nothing more than scoop out the ash, burnt and greasy crust still remaining firmly in place. “Usually this spell is such an easy one to cast.”

The crimson mare eyed me warily. “Yeh sure yeh know what yer doing, Helios?”

“No! I mean, yes, this is my job.” Snippy welled within me. “I’ve cast the spell many times!” I tried to push, to pull magic into my horn. And though I could get an aura flaring, it never filled enough to even attempt an orderly separation. I didn’t dare cast it. What would happen if something like that was done incorrectly? “I think, maybe, I have expended my magic. But I’ve barely cast today…”

“Yeh didn’t use yerself up fixing all my bowls and cutlery, did yeh?”

“I shouldn’t have,” I rubbed my ankle into my forehead. “No, I’ve done much more than this in a day. I swear, I have.”

The Earth Pony rolled her eyes. She didn’t believe me. Not at all. Martyr couldn’t stand the look, and her own guilt made my insides nearly collapse.

“Welp, no need to brag ‘r anything.” The mare rooted through a few half-stuck drawers, shifting contents around with her snout. “I should still pay yeh a couple bits for yer troubles.”

“No, no, I wasn’t able to do the full job,” Martyr rose in my throat, as she always did when it came to payment. “I can’t accept anything for this slipshod job I’ve done today. Please, keep your money.”

The mare looked me up and down, then shrugged, accepting free work with ease. I waited a moment more, half expecting a loaf of bread, maybe even a small lump of cheese. But no. I excused myself and fled from the little shop, quickly dashing down the small main street and ducking into the woods for a little bit of embarrassed thought in peace…

Peace and quiet?! Like that could happen!

I already imagined Snippy yelling in my head, the target of her ire finally directed inward, at her own body.

Good job, Baker! I made her shout, Way to suck at working! Did you already exhaust yourself?! Are you that bad at manual labor?!

Princess would have, of course, hated this turn of events. And so, I made her cry. Ohhh, we’ll have to eat leaves tonight! We could have gotten ourselves some nice scones, or a night in the stables, or even some fresh carrots. I saw as Princess collapsed on a little fainting couch, burying her snout into her knees. Goodness, I’m happy about carrots! What an awful state we’ve been reduced to!

Oh! I bet Martyr has something special to say about this! Well Martyr?!

Martyr bowed her head, horn tapping her folded hooves. It’s only proper that we retire to the woods, accepting payment for services rendered is completely selfish.

Oh yeah! That’s how you get an economy rolling! Refuse all payment for everything! Pfft, stupid, self-sacrificing Martyr…

“Please,” I cried, “I already feel terrible! None of you have to rub it in! Wait. I mean--”

Stupid, my thoughts were immediately picked up by Snippy, and told to me in her voice. We’re just listing all the reasons why you hate yourself right now.

We could have gotten a nice little purse, one that wasn’t burlap, maybe one bleached white or dyed in diluted wash...

Accumulating wealth goes against our purposes on the road. This is a pilgrimage!

“Yes, I know, but please!” I huffed, digging my knee painfully into my forehead. Now that I had stopped casting, it felt like icy spikes were being pounded into my skull “Can we just put our heads together and try to find a reasonable explanation for why I can’t cast such a basic spell?”

Read: Why you’re so worthless.

And you know maybe a little tart to reward ourselves for all of this ridiculous pain we’re going through…

Pilgrimage is committed to for the sake of forgoing reward!

“No, wait,” I jabbed at my forehead again, pain distracting dully from pain. “Put our heads together? I’m wasting brainspace thinking about you lot. Everybody shut up while I think… Celestia.” I said my name crisp and clear. Said it twice more just to hear the word ring in the air. “I need to clear my head and think. Now breathe…”

I took a breath, feeling the winds rise around me, falling as I exhaled. The timing felt natural, a connection to the physical world strengthening my resolve. I thought, clear in my newly emptied head.

Why can’t I cast a familiar spell?

Well, Celestia.

You are tired.

And you do have a headache.

Perhaps poor nutrition, and all of this self-imposed stress, is getting to you?

I nodded, still pressing my knee into my thudding head. A very reasonable explanation, all things considered. I should have arrived at it sooner, but of course with all this bickering in my head…

“I should get some sleep,” I said aloud, “Start off tomorrow with a nice clear head.”

I think I held onto that thought, relishing in the peace, the quiet…

… For all of thirty seconds

You know, Snippy quipped, The way my head always used to be. Before all of YOU came along.

Sleeping in a stable would have been so much more restful that sleeping in mud. Mud! Don’t think that I didn’t notice it! It was all down my front when we woke up this morning!

Perhaps if we plead for sanctuary, a kindly soul will allow us rest by the fireplace. Just for a few hours, mind.

Pah! That’s hardly better than sleeping in dirt!

I closed my eyes as I searched for a suitable place to bed down, quietly wishing for the better company of my long-gone sister and friend…

I awoke, still asleep, at the heat of a felt table. The world was warped in fisheyes, edges hazy, as if I looked through an old spyglass. It was night outside, and dark inside. Were there walls? Could there be walls? It was darker in here than a night under the clouds.

The four of me sat around a low table, lounging on itchy and overstuffed hemp pillows sipping from tall ceramic mugs. We occasionally poked at a bulbous onion lantern, trying to keep the guttering thing lit within our yellow aura. It was the only light. The only way to illuminate the little game they were playing.

Wild Snippy gulped from her wormlike cup, a trickle of water shimmering down her chin. She gasped when she was done, peeked at the card in front of her. With a snort, she upended a small burlap bag onto the table. Tiny gems scattered every which way, glittering in the frail light.

“Raise,” she said, tossing aside the burlap napkin.

Princess laughed high, just once. A sound of contempt, an offense taken. A little satin purse drifted freely from her lilac shawl, floating and spinning in midair without an aura to hold it aloft. A large amount of crystal chits spun majestically from the bag and neatly stacked themselves on the table. Princess eyed them greedily long after they had fallen still.

Both of me now looked to frail little Martyr as she turned a little set of delicately painted figurines over and over before her eyes. The painting was so subtle and strange, what the figures were changed every time we looked at them. At one point, they seemed to be soldiers. Another, kings. But with a single glance at her cards, she stowed the figures away and hid behind her cup, eyes watering.

Now it was Baker’s turn. Baker… I looked at the two cards set before me. I had a nine of wands… a prince of cups…
I set them back on the table. Lightly, I said,

“I don’t really think I know how to play.”

Snippy grunted. “Then why the heck did you ask us to?”

Martyr quietly hovered three wooden blocks into the center of the table. They intersected with the piles of glittering fragments, dreamily floating through the rocks like they were only colored bits of air. I stared at the wriggling bits of wood as they flattened into paper, and their faces opened up. There was a wand, a sword, a cream stallion hung up by his ankle…

I muttered, “I’m not entirely sure.”

Shoving her scraggly mane behind her ears, Snippy snapped ‘Raise,’ and tossed more gems into the center. They bounced off the lamp, and the cards gasped as they were struck. The cream stallion ran from his card, rope dragging behind him, and a unicorn shoved a desk into the empty space…

I narrowed my eyes, squinted, practically. Rubbed an ankle across my sockets. The dim room seemed to shift and swim in front of me, darkness blurring and lamp quietly fizzing and sparking in the air. I checked my cards again. Three glinting swords stared back up at me.

I rubbed my eyes again.

I mumbled, “My dreams are usually much more interesting than this.”

“Oh?! Are they?” Snippy shot, “Are they usually meaningful?”

“Dreams are very important,” Martyr chided, a fuzzy hoof waving slowly at Snippy, “Inspiration, direction, they can both be sifted from dreams. Especially when there is a hint of magic…”

Martyr raised her horn, holding herself tall. Her neck seemed too big for her body, a fat column holding her high in the air. From the tip of her oversized horn, she released a small flash of light. It slowly reached every corner, illuminating its shape, reflecting wetly off corners, walls dripping thickly, like black molasses, surrounding and coming to engulf the entire table.

It faded, and darkness returned to hide in darkness. Quietly, I said, “This dream is going to become a nightmare soon.”

“If you get scared, it’s your own fault,” Snippy snickered, “It’s not our fault if you terrify yourself.”

“We’ll be returning the gems after the game, won’t we?” Princess haughtily interrupted. “They’re quite expensive, I’d loathe to lose them all.”

Snippy looked like she was about to claw at Princess, tear a chunk from her arm. She growled, “Play better, then!”

“That’s not nice, Snippy,” Martyr sighed, “Not nice and not fair.”

“Don’t change the game halfway!” Snippy shouted, “All bets final!”

“Well I do want those gems back…” Princess pulled a necklace out from under her shawl. Gold. Formless. Like a golden snake with an orange sun inlayed into its belly. It rang like a wind chime every time it moved, glowing softly with good intentions.

“Don’t bet that in cards,” I said softly, “That’s important.”

Princess frowned down at the necklace. A line of darkness dribbled past her shoulder. I could hear the room gurgle wetly…

Princess sniffed. She said, “Well it’s not ours anymore, so what’s the point in keeping it?”

“That doesn’t mean you can just throw it away,” I replied.

Princess made a high pitched sound, one of contempt and disregard. She threw the necklace on the table. It slid mournfully across the landslide of gemstones and glass, sliding right in front of me, bright orange gem staring up at me like a single, radiant eye.

“Well, you did,” Princess scoffed.

“I did not,” I quietly said. “I kept it close always. You discarded it. It was you.”

“Careful,” Snippy grunted at Princess, “You’ll scare the mare.”

Another thick column of darkness rolled over the edge of the table, spilling into the glittering light and pooling by Snippy’s feet. I stared into the dark purple mass, eyes drawn into its gelatinous flow. Where it started to pool, two bulbous white eyes rolled over it…

Did I imagine that?

Of course I did. This is a dream, isn’t it?

“Why don’t you play this pot, Baker?” Princess said, “Maybe you’ll win your garbage back!”

“My name is Celestia,” I mumbled.

“And so is mine, Baker!” Princess chided.

“Don’t act like you’re special, Baker!” Snippy growled.

“I don’t want any feelings hurt,” Martyr said, turning to smile warmly at me. “Apologize, Baker.”

I frowned, and lightly said, “You can’t all talk to me like I’m worthless.” My words were breathed, as if only a little air could escape from my throat. “You are all part of me.”

“Yes.” Martyr reached across the table sympathetically, arm and shoulder vanishing into another boil of blackened molasses. “We’re all a part of each other.”

“That is not what I said,” I breathed.

“Look!” Snippy snapped, “I’m sick of whining! Do you want the stupid thing or not?!”

Again, I could only forcefully whisper, “Yes, give it to me.”

Snippy snarled, “Don’t act like you’re shouting, that’s what I do!”

“I can’t just give that necklace away,” Princess moaned.

“But it’s garbage,” I said.

“Yes,” Princess said, “But I could win my gems back with it!”

“Okay! Look!” The darkness flicked a deep purple hoof across Snippy’s cards, the other side flashing white and gold. “Crazy eights! What do you losers have?!”

“Ooh, a Magician and two Queens!” Princess dragged the gems towards her, throwing her body across the table and scooping up muck and glitter alike. Only the necklace remained untouched, sitting in an untouched circle of gold, whole and pure. I tried to pick it up, but Princess spoke once more. “I’m betting your garbage again. Toss it over to me, Baker.”

My voice tumbling around my throat, I cried, “I’m frustrated enough by you when I’m awake. Why do you have to torment my dreams too?”

Princess giggled, black mas rolling over her shoulders and staining her shawl. “Poor little Baker. How do you hope to escape yourself?”

I recoiled, a black mass swelling in front of me, engulfing the table. Snippy yapped, her voice clear and true, “Now you’ve done it, idiots! You’ve gone and scared her!”

The black tar rolled around my legs, thick, biting, and frigidly cold. I tried to struggle through it, but my lungs were tightly held, flesh numb, dead on my body. I couldn’t even gasp for breath as it crept up my sides…

And my eyes snapped open, body rock stiff and curled up tightly on a pile of dead leaves.