It was a dark and stormy night... Cliche as fuck, yes, but nonetheless true. So, it was a dark and stormy night and there I was, masturbating. It had been one hell of a long day, and I very much needed the stress relief. The only source of light, besides the frequent lightning strikes, was the computer monitor and television in my bedroom. I was currently in the middle of my stress relief ‘session,’ hoping that the weather didn’t knock the power out before I could finish.

The next strike of lightning was accompanied with an intense sense of vertigo, as if I had leaned too far back in the chair. The only issue with this was that I was seated on the edge of my chair, and somewhat hunched over, if you understand what I’m sayin’. So, it should’ve been impossible for me to end up falling backwards. Or at least, those were my thoughts as I sent my hands wildly flailing, hoping to find the floor before any important parts of myself found it first.

After my hands didn’t find contact in the first second or two, I kinda figured something was up. That was only made more apparent by my eventual impact, but into something that was both soft and warm. I had cold, wood flooring in my house. At some point I’d closed my eyes, so I decided to reopen them.

To say I was shocked would be to claim that Albert Einstein was only a little intelligent. I stood up, pants still around my ankles, Mr. Thompson at full mast, coming dick to face with a winged purpled, horned... pony thing. I did the most logical thing that came to mind. Screamed like a bitch.

The pony creature thing got to its hooves while I continued my yelling, looking at me with a fair amount of confusion. It went to open its mouth, and I responded with a fist to its face. The horn on its head lit up a weird, pinkish purple color, then immediately discharged right into my groin. Blinding pain encompassed me, and the last thing I could think of was to lament Mr. Thompson’s unfinished business.

Now, I suppose while I’m floating around in my unconscious mind, I could give ya a little bit of background on myself. Name’s Elam. Kinda odd, and not all that common, but at least my parents didn't name me something like Dan, John, Sam... you get the point. I'm about as white as they come, although give it a summer and I can work up a pretty wicked tan. I stand around five foot eleven inches, with a mess of black hair on my head and blue eyes. Nothing else really stands out about me. I've never gotten any tattoos, have no prominent scars, for all the shit I did as a kid, I got off pretty easy in the scar department.

I grew up in one of those small, sleepy towns that no one ever gives a second thought to until a serial killer ends up coming from it. Kept out of trouble, well, mostly, while growing up, and got into the usual teenage shenanigans. Only had to perform a little bit of community service after an incident in public, but hey, it wasn't entirely my fault.

All was well come college, only got arrested once while I was there, and ended up coming away with a degree in criminology after a rather quick four years... most of which I don't really recall due to the drug induced haze that I often found myself in. To think, I was a near four point oh student too. Jumped into the workforce from there, and managed to spend a few years building up a small nest egg. Of course, it all paled in comparison to the minor fortune I'd gotten when my parents passed. Although it was somewhat of a grey spot with the insurance companies, being trampled by elephants is indeed covered as part of the life insurance policy they had. Elephants, yes. It's best to simply nod your head, accept it, and then move on.

So, work was simply something to do to pass the time, as I'd tried simply sitting around living off the interest gained on my capital. Easy to do, yes, but good lord was it boring. However, I think my brain is telling me it's about that time to wake up now.

I felt myself encased in a soft material, and a weight on my chest. Rapidly blinking my eyes, I worked on clearing the crap out of them so I could actually see. It took a few seconds of blinking nonstop, but my vision went from blurry bright objects to definable bright objects. I was in a bed, covered in a rather heavy quilt, in a very brightly painted room. Sunlight was streaming in through a window on one side of the room, which means that I'd been out for the rest of the night, if it had indeed been night when I found myself wherever it is that 'here' is.

I didn't see anything in sight, so figured a good stretch was in order while my brain booted itself up for the day. Curling my hands into fists, I raised them above my head, still laying down, and closed my eyes and simply let them go wherever. A weird pulling sensation caused me to stop though. Propping myself up with my hands, I sat up and opened my eyes, looking down. The fact that the quilt was rubbing against bare skin wasn't even the primary thing on my mind.

Looking down to my now bare chest, two mounds greeted my sight, the chill air causing my nipples to prominently stand out against them. I couldn't tear my eyes away from them, even as I brought a hand into my view. Now that I was wide awake, I noticed its new look. There was a lot less hair and the overall structure was much more lithe and yelled 'female' to anyone observant enough. Fearing for the worst, my eyes still unable to be torn from my newfound cleavage, my hand moved further down to check on my close friend, Mr. Thompson.

Houston, we have a problem. Smooth flesh greeted my hands, until my fingers found a cleft in a spot that I most definitely knew about due to the many women I'd spent time with in the past. I did the first thing that came to mind. A very feminine scream tore itself from my lips.

Author's Notes:

I still have no clue how this came to be, and will deny everything if asked. What turned into a writing dump for when I wasn't able to get out any 'quality' material for my other stories quickly blossomed into this... monster.

I was serious when I said you can't even be serious with this story. You'll only have yourself to blame. I hope you buckle up, enjoy the humor, and enjoy the sporadic updates!

EDIT - cleaned up 24 Oct 13