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Dashaloo Days: Wonderbolt Flight Training

by RGLloyd

Chapter 10: Abandonment Issues?

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Author's Notes:

Also updated chapter Tag! You're it!

(2 days earlier) 14 days to Twiligeddon...

Celestia took a deep breath, quickly regaining her composure. I need to get a hold of myself. She wiped the tears away. I knew I failed to keep the distance. This was destined to happen sooner or later. She rubbed a hoof against her temple, fighting off a worried jitter that was quickly building pressure behind her eyes.

She glanced down the steps, Spike and Flour were staring up at her. Flour cleared his throat uncomfortably, turned, and swiftly plodded to the door. He stepped outside, giving the princess privacy while awaiting orders. Celestia took the moment to craft a number of spells, putting them covertly into action.

Spike bounded up the steps. "What happened up there? I don't get it..." Spike, never one to beat around the bush, got straight to the point. "You are motherly towards everypony. It's part of your personality. Why would Twilight single out your motherly attitude towards her?"

Celestia sighed. "I am motherly towards all ponies, Spike. You are right, it's part of my personality. Therein lies the problem." Her eyes glanced down, exploring Spikes feet for a moment. "She wants me to define what makes my motherly attitude towards her special."

"Why would she need a definition? Can't she just be happy you love her?" Spike's scaley brow furrowed. "I don't like this. I have a feeling that soul seeing spell is really affecting her brain."


Twilight breathed heavily, her body quickly falling victim to fatigue from the exhaustive crying and barrage of emotions. It hurts Scootaloo. She gazed over Scootaloo's features, studying the soft and peaceful lines of sleeping filly innocence.

“How did you manage? How did you do it? How did you handle all the pain, and keep smiling? How do you act so tough?” Twilight marveled at the frailty of the tiny foal she held in her forelegs.

Her study was rudely interrupted by the clopping of hooffalls down the hall. She looked up at the open door with a chagrined cringe. Nurse Redheart and two guards rounded a corner, the three making eye contact with the furious princess holding Scootaloo hostage, and ground to a halt just outside the door.

“Please, just give me some time. I won’t be much longer.” She sniffled. “I’m just saying goodbye.”

Twilight sighed at them as one of the guards bravely advanced into the room, memories of friendly conversations with Twilight only days before spurring him forward. Memories that wavered as he was enveloped by a purple aura and slid firmly backwards. He fell to his knees in shock, the gentle warning hitting home for all three of the intruders. They were not welcome in that room. The door glowed, pulsated, and shut with an audible click.

Nurse Redheart called through the door. "P-P-Princess T-Twilight? Uhm… I am concerned for your well being, and think it best if you let us examine..." She was cut off by the door suddenly sprouting gnarled wooden words of ‘do not disturb’ in response to her please. "Understood, Princess! You won't be bothered further!" The three backed up nervously, now certain that opening the door was taboo.

Nurse Redheart turned to the guards with a whispered urgency. "Get Princess Celestia. Now!" The two guards bolted down the hall. It was no secret that Celestia was at the library. It was also no secret that Princess Twilight had been declared a possible danger to Equestria, and was under Celestia's personal care until proven otherwise.

Twilight's attention turned back to Scootaloo. Even as she hugged the sleeping filly gently, the logic in her brain questioned if she was hugging herself as a filly. The thought enraged her, she clenched her teeth in disgust. I'm not this weak! However, her forelegs refusing to unwrap the filly, argued otherwise.


"No Spike, It's not the spells fault. It faded long ago. I spent all day scanning her while she slept. I picked through every corner of her brain, and while Rainbow Dash's memories and feelings, however sweet they are, are still implanted firmly in her mind. Yet, they are but a catalyst. The trauma from her foalhood is the real cause."

Spike scratched his head. "What trauma? Twilight didn't go through any trauma. I grew up with her, I should know..."

Celestia frowned, her eyes intense. "Yes you did, and of anypony you should know best, but it was very subtle, Spike. The day Twilight left her family she was overjoyed to come to the castle and begin her studies. She assumed the responsibilities of a college student at six years old. However, in turn, she sacrificed steady and loving parenting during crucial and precious years of emotional development in trade for strict studies and school regimen. Think about it, my dear Spike, how would you feel if you had to leave Twilight and go far away for twelve years of schooling?" She moved passed Spike and down the stairs. “Only to see her for one day a week when she visited for a few hours, or when you go home for a holiday a few times a year?”

"I would be sad, but Twilight was happy right? You just said so." Spike turned to follow.

"Yes. She was happy. So happy at the opportunity to gain knowledge that she repressed the sadness of sacrificing priceless years with her family. I recognized it immediately, and I was prepared to provide her with all the love I had. However, I tried to keep the distance as well. I did not want to replace her mother, or overshadow the love she felt for her family. Yet, as the years passed, she became increasingly attached to me-” Celestia hesitated, mulling over the confession, but knew Spike deserved to know. "-and I became overly attached to her." She sighed. "And now she is trying to come to terms with living her entire foalhood away from her parents by defining the true meaning in our relationship so she can validate that sacrifice, and replace the pain with something emotionally substantial."

Spike mulled the overload of information over. “So… she’s trying to replace the pain with a definition of your relationship?”

“Correct.”

“And you are hesitating to do so?”

“Correct.”

Spike blinked, his face emotionless. “I don’t see this working out well…”

Celestia returned his deadpan. “Correct…”


Twilight's tears streamed down her nose, across Scootaloo's cheeks, and pattered into the growing stain of wetness spreading across the sheets. “Mom and Dad couldn't be there. I understood. How could they just pick up and leave their lives behind? They both had friends, and family back home. Moving to Canterlot is a lot to ask. They had careers, and a home, and… they left me out of all of it!”

Her breathing bellowed raggedly through her snout. “No! I chose to be away from it… I chose my education over my familly. This is my fault. They had Shining Armor to take care of as well. The world does not revolve around me!”

Her lips curled into a snarl. “I am their filly! Their lives should have revolved around me! I should have been everything to them!” A staccato whimper of pain escaped her. She breathed in sharply and held her breath, fighting the emotions back as they assaulted her chest.

“I never even noticed until now. I never knew you could feel like this about somepony!” Twilight recalled Dash's emotions for Scootaloo painfully. “My parents don't love me this way… or else they would have followed me. They would have been there! I can't even get Celestia to love me this way…”

“No… I don’t know that. I have to gather more information! I need to know. This is a severe emotional problem. So solving it with emotions is pointless. I must approach this logically.”

Twilight stared hard at Scootaloo's features again, reveling in the beauty of every precious curve. Dash's love for Scootaloo coursed through her, bringing with it the desire to be there every day of Scootaloo's life. To hold and comfort her. To teach and nurture her. To listen to even the most mundane conversations and cherish every smile. Twilight fought the urge to scream.

“Logically!”


Spike scratched his head with a claw. "But, what about Shining Armor and Princess Cadence? They were there for her on and off through most of it."

Celestia halted, looking back at Spike, more than a little surprised by the question. Right, of course, Spike never knew his parents. I am his mother, and Twilight is his sister. She turned, reached out, and pulled Spike into a hug. "Tell me, Spike. Do the hugs between Twilight and myself feel the same?"

Spike blushed, but nuzzled into the hug. "Well, they are close, but yours are warmer and way less embarrassing, as long as nopony's looking."

Celestia giggled. "Spike I love your unwavering honesty." She nuzzled him on the nose. "Never change my fierce little dragon."

"Aww, cut it out! Now you're just dodging the question." Spike's teasing rang true to Celestia.

"Oh, its like that is it?" She darted her hooves around the softer points of his scales. "Revenge!" Spike laughed and squirmed as Celestia tickled him and ruffled up his spikes.

"Sorry!" Spike guffawed, gasping for breath, but leaned into the tickles happily. "Sorry! I'm sorry! Please!"

"Hmmm... Well I suppose you've learned your lesson." Celestia backed off with a grin as she continued. "Have you seen how attached Twilight is to her brother? Her need for a father figure transferred to him. As for Cadence, I expect you to answer your own question concerning her. Why wouldn't Cadence satisfy Twilight's need for a motherly connection?"

Spike thought hard. "Well, Cadence didn't show up until a couple years after Twilight moved in right? You and Twilight must have already become too close by then." Spike thought back to the hugs and memories Twilight had given him over the years. "So, I would guess while you were still around, Cadence could never actually fulfill Twilight's need for a mother. Knowing Twilight, she defined Cadence as a sister."

"Correct! Now how did you come to that conclusion?" Celestia giggled, having already guessed Spikes thought process, she half chided herself for fishing for love so blatantly.

Spike never one to disappoint, simply stated exactly what was on his mind. "Well I don't know about Twilight really, she knew her mother, but for me, nopony could ever replace you."

Celestia blushed slightly, a happy smile on her lips as she leaned down to kiss Spike gently on the cheek. "I love you too Spike, and it brings me joy being your mother."

Spike blushed, and stared down at the floor, a sheepish half smile spread on his lips as he played with the tip of his tail. "Awww..." He glanced around to make sure nopony was around, a habit picked up back at the castle. "Thanks, Mom." Celestia pulled him into squishy hug and nuzzled his neck happily. "Now, if you could just commit to Twilight like you did me. You know, since you and Twilight have already gone too far and gotten overly attached to each other. Maybe you could fix this whole problem."


"Scootaloo, you and Dash taught me this love. But now that I don't have it with anypony, what am I supposed to do without it in my life?" She rocked Scootaloo gently, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Why wouldn't Celestia just say it? Is it because I still have a mother? I just love her like a daughter would. Is it wrong to have two mothers? It’s not like she didn’t act like a mother… Do I even know how mothers act?” Twilight growled angrily through the sobs. “It’s not like I don’t love my parents or anything. Even though when I missed them most they sent my brother to take their place…”

The last thought hit Twilight hard. The day Shining Armor had shown up at the castle, was the day he became the hero of her heart, rescuing her from the pain of her missing family. “I was so happy. I was desperate, willing to accept any substitute… even now I would have accepted Celestia's love as just sisterly. I'm such a fool..."

“There are too many questions! Too many variables!” She face hoofed hard. “What have I gotten myself into?”


Celestia froze, her eyes widened, wings jittering nervously. "Spike, I can't do that!" She backed off, meeting Spikes inquisitive gaze. "She has a mother, and Twilight loves her dearly. To label it as such would be undermining her real mother’s connection to her daughter."

"Maybe you are overthinking it a little too much?" Spike raised a brow. "I don't think Twilight's mom would mind if Twilight referred to you as mother."

"Spike, I would mind. I would carry the title of Twilight's mother for the rest of our lives. How long do you think Twilight's real mother will live on this planet? Thirty, maybe fifty more years at best? I would be Twilight's mother for thousands of years, eventually I would completely overshadow her real mother. How could I live with myself?" Celestia cringed at the thought, marking it mentally as an act of loathsome malevolence.

"Wow, I see your point." Spike frowned. "Why not just call her sister then?"

Celestia sighed, long and deep as she subconsciously pulled Spike in for another hug. "Because sister doesn't cover all of my feelings, and it won’t fill the emotional hole inside of Twilight." She sniffled, followed by another sigh. "The definition of mother comes with emotions attached to it, because ponies can relate to their own emotional experiences with their mothers. Twilight is asking me to attach my emotions to a definition. In all my years, in all the languages I have learned, words still fail to translate emotions directly. Because mother is taken, and all other definitions pale in comparison, any definition I can come up with will be emotionally lacking."

Spike pulled away, shaking off the confusion of Celestia’s words, and stated the obvious. "For now we should begin searching for Twilight. That is first on the list. Next, we need to calm her down, and talk some sense into her." Spike furrowed his scaly brow. "Where could she have gone?"

Celestia took a deep breath, and pointed in a seemingly random direction. "She teleported in this direction. About six blocks. She's in a large building, and has yet to move since teleporting." She concentrated for a second. "There is another in the room. A very faint presence. Perhaps she is in a room with a sleeping… foal?"

"Scootaloo!" Spike exclaimed. "Twilight must be at the hospital!" Spike turned for the door, however Celestia halted him with a hoof, and a shake of her head. "What? Twilight needs us, shouldn't we go to her?"

"No Spike, give her time." Give me time... "We must be patient, and think this through. My impulsive plan up till now has already complicated matters far worse than they need to be. I should have put more thought into it. I knew she was unstable, that magic was involved, and it was easy to guess that foreign memories and emotions had been introduced into her psyche per the dangers of the spell I sent her. Yet instead of proceeding with caution I scolded her in a letter, then contradicted the tone I set for our meeting by overwhelming her with love and attention."

"What? Did you actually plan that? Why?" Spike stared at Celestia, not quite comprehending her logic.

"Because, Spike." Celestia met his stare straight on. "I declared her to be a danger to Equestria, and despite my feelings for Twilight, she is now an alicorn, one of the most powerful ponies to walk our planet." She looked up, in Twilight's distant direction. "Should she go rogue, it could quickly turn disastrous! I had to offset her mind, and scramble her ability to think clearly before she could detect my intrusive scanning spells. I set her off guard, after I realised the severity of the situation I quickly isolated her ability to detect the spells I was casting, and kept her from waking during the scan."

Spike blanched in shock as he backpedaled a step. "Wha… ah?" His jaw worked in twitchy time with his stuttering. Wow, that's terrifying! "I… I understand… it was necessary," he looked down, tears welling up in his eyes. "Twilight won't go rogue." He said weakly, remembering the incident from the previous night. He gritted his teeth, his fists clenching in determination. "We won't let her. Can't you rip out Rainbow Dash's memories?"

Celestia clenched her teeth. "Unfortunately, I couldn't remove Rainbow Dash's memories. The feelings attached were too intense, and the memory already too ingrained to be pulled out. I would have only damaged her further." Celestia stomped at the floor. "I'm making things worse. With all my power and knowledge… I feel so useless right now. It's the same as when Luna went over the edge, and descended into madness-" Her voice lowered hauntingly as her gaze slipped to the floor. “-to be overtaken by emotions."

A darkness fell over the princess's eyes, her muzzle pulled back, her teeth glaring menacingly. "I failed my sister." Her mane whipped about as she strode for the door. "I will not fail my daughter!"

Spike’s brain scrambled. “Wait, what?”

Celestia shook her head. “I will not fail Twilight!”

“But that’s not what you…”

“Not now, Spike. I have too much to do.” Celestia focussed hard on placing yet more spells into place.

Spike slowly shook his head in disbelief. “If you ask me… both of you are too emotional to think rationally right now.”

Celestia didn’t hear him.


“I have too many questions!” Twilight nudged Scootaloo’s shoulder, the filly's head lolling around in the crook of her foreleg. "Wake up! Please? I do still love my mother. I could never hate her. She had circumstances, both my parents did… but I still want to be loved like this! I knew I was missing something my whole childhood. I craved it. Even with Mr. Smarty Pants…” Memories of holding Mr. Smarty Pants to fight off 'his' loneliness swarmed unbidden into her mind. She bounced Scootaloo in her forelegs. "Wake up! Just for a minute? Tell me how you did it? How did you get Dash to love you? What are your feelings in return? Did you feel like I do right now?"

Did nopony see? Did nopony notice my misery? Did nopony care? She sniffled, sobbed, and growled angrily. Celestia cared! I know she did… she does… but I need to hear it. I need to confirm it- “-and now when I need her most she...”

She squeezed the sleeping filly tight to her chest and screamed, "Wake up and tell me!" She sobbed, a pleading whisper on her hissing breath. "Please..."


"Spike, prepare to take a letter." Celestia commanded smoothly as she snapped out of her casting trance. "We have preparations to make. I just alerted my sister and Cadence. Twilight's next move is most likely to run. She is going to approach this problem as she approaches any other; methodically and scientifically. She is going to her parents. She is also going to want me to chase her to prove my love."

Spike gasped. "Isn't that a little… uhm… childish for Twilight?"

Celestia sighed. "Spike, Twilight is very mature for her age in that she can handle difficult and dangerous situations with calm collective analysis, and bravely take action to protect everything she loves. She has mastered friendship, and her intelligence and magical abilities are at alicorn level. However, inside she is still a little filly who obsesses over pleasing me to garner my attention, approval, and acceptance."

She leveled a glare at Spike, though the intensity of her gaze was tempered with self loathing. "And I just abandoned that young confused filly’s feelings. She was searching me for an intensity of feelings that I can't readily express on command which caused her intense emotional pain. She will run from that pain." Her tone tinged with sadness. "She will run from me, and there is only one other that can provide the answers and comfort she needs now. Her mother."

"But, why not go to her now then? She's only a little..."

Celestia cut him off. "Because she has to run first and seek out her answers. She won't listen to me right now. The pain is too fresh. I have to let the chase build up. For now she is too mad at me, but eventually those feelings will turn to sadness that I haven't caught her, and thoughts that I have given up or stopped caring." Celestia's look hardened. Her tactical mind churning. "At that exact moment, when her barriers and misdirections begin to crack ever so slightly and waiver. That is when I need to reach her. I must shatter through every barrier she throws at me, conquer every last puzzle and misdirection. Only then will my feelings truly reach her." She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "And, only then will we both find our definition." Celestia turned with finality from a dumbfounded Spike, and threw open the library door.


Flour stood outside the library, waiting anxiously. I'm just an L.T. He thought nervously. I just left officer training… I'm not prepared for this! Being alone with the princess! He rubbed a hoof on his forehead, trying to force himself to think through the situation. My job says to keep my mouth shut and take orders from superiors, and give orders to lower ranks. Simple... He huffed, trying to mentally reorganize his brain to stick to his training. But the princess was crying... He shivered. I never imagined... His breathing picked up to a near panic. Princess or not. I can't just stand by while somepony is suffering!

He chewed at his lip, mentally slapping himself. 'Keep it simple stupid! Don't think unless you're told to! Never address the princess first, and speak only when spoken to! The princess will treat you with respect and affection… Do not let it go to your head!' His drill sergeant's voice boomed in his mind.

"Don't do anything foolish!" He mumbled to himself. "Keep the distance."

But… what if she needs help, or somepony to just listen? What if she's in pain? She was crying! A dizzy set in his head, and a quease assaulted his stomach. Princess Celestia is too kind to suffer! He blanched mentally as the morning's memories flooded back. Well most of the time... He blushed, and smiled. It had been awkward moments, but a warm giddiness flooded through at the thought that the princess had singled him out for teasing. I'm lucky just to be near her, and doubly to even be addressed in such an informal manner, regardless of whether she was teasing or not. He paced worriedly, re-railing his thought process back on topic. I have to do something… but what can I do?!

The door to the library slammed open. "Flour!"

Flour nearly jumped out of his skin as he spun around with a salute. "Yes P-P-Princess!"

Celestia leveled on him, and barked out her orders. "If you want to help out that bad then get in the kitchen and make some food, soldier! I'm starving..." She turned to the side and winked at him, her voice falling soft and flirtatious. "...and it would make me feel better."

Flour froze and dually noted that Celestia’s horn wasn’t glowing. She wasn’t reading his mind. His thoughts shattering in an instant. He attempted to organize the pieces, to place them back together, but failed miserably. His only answer to the highest superiors orders in all Equestria, was to nod dumbly.


Twilight wiped the tears from her eyes, and set Scootaloo gingerly down onto the bed as it became apparent that the filly wasn't going to snap out of her coma on command. The sadness suddenly ebbed out of Twilight leaving behind a hollow ache in her gut. Her look grew cold, calculating, and intense as she glared down at the sleeping filly.

“I don't need these feelings. They bring me nothing but pain, and misery.” She glanced out the window, her eyes settling on the library tree. “I need to find a reversal spell of some kind, or perhaps a method of erasing memories, but first I must seek answers.” Twilight chewed her lip nervously. “I can't face Celestia, not after what I did. Not yet.”

A chain of spells formed in her mind. “This will be difficult, and I will have to do it fast with exact precision.”

Inquisitive moans and whispers of the dead assaulted Twilight and echoed across the room as she tore a tiny hole into the ethereal veil. Wisps of white swirled around her, the air crackled and twisted with waves of distortion as ether flowed across the veil into the room, gathered into whirling vortexes centered on Twilight's eyes, and absorbed into her pupils. As the spell finished, and the angry inquisition's of the dead subsided, the room fell silent and dark. Save for the unearthly green tinged glow in Twilight's eyes from the soul seeing spell which flickered eerily as she manipulated magic in her mind, and hastily prepared her next spells.

“I have to move fast before Celestia comes for me. I have to fix this mess somehow, and I need that book!” Twilight grinned mischievously. “If Celestia saw fit to come and care for me herself, then the situation is worse than I thought. I need to run and hide until I can figure out how to fix this. I can't trust myself, so I need to get away from my friends before I hurt them.”

“However, I will need help from somepony wise, but impartial. I must summon the creator of the spirit book… Star Swirl.” Twilight felt a little dizzy at the thought as she cast the next spell in the que.

“Well this is going to make Mom mad… both of them…” With a flash the room stood empty, leaving an eerie maniacal giggle reverberating off the walls.

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