The Unexpected Sexual Harassment of Twilight Sparkle

by cleverpun

First published 17th of July, 2013

Twilight Sparkle arrives in Ponyville to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration, and potentially the return of Nightmare Moon. All that stands in her way is five stallions who keep flirting with her. Making passes. Hitting on. You get the idea.

At Celestia's behest, Twilight Sparkle arrives in Ponyville to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration, and potentially the return of Nightmare Moon.

Her preparations will be anything but easy. The stallions in charge of the festivities all seem to have taken a "romantic" interest in her, and every one of them is terrible at flirting. Really terrible. Really.

---

T for innuendo/creepy behavior. Thanks to Sereg for prereading and to Midnight Rambler for helping with the first draft song sequence. Thanks to Posey, Jetto, Blank!, and Kuroi Tsubasa Tenshi for editing (Plus three other anons who didn't give me their fimfic names). Especial thanks to whatmustido and ocalhoun for nitpicking the hell out of this mess.

All-mare version: Gdocs/FIMfic
All-stallion version: Gdocs/FIMfic
Stallion Twilight/mare main five version: Gdocs/FIMfic
The password for the FIMfic versions is: TUSH
(Every version is essentially identical, save character gender. Comments are enabled on the Gdocs if you notice any typos )

Hostile Workplace Environment

Twilight Sparkle leapt out of the pegasus-drawn carriage. She looked around at Ponyville and let out a deep sigh.

Spike hopped out of the carriage as well. “Ponyville, huh? Pretty nice town.”

“I guess. My tower is still nicer. And it’s better ventilated.” Twilight turned to the guards, levitating a piece of parchment and quill out of the carriage. “Thank you, sirs. You can leave our things at the library, then return to Canterlot. It’s built into a tree, so it should be easy to spot. The keys should be in my saddlebags, right purse, center section, third zipper down, behind the comb and in front of the chapstick.”

The guards nodded and flew off.

Twilight floated the parchment in front of her face. “First item, catering from Sweet Apple Acres. Guess we better ask for directions.”

“Shouldn’t we settle in, or something?” Spike asked.

“Spike, I want this over with as soon as possible. Bad enough I’m here at all when I could be researching Nightmare Moon.” She took another look at the town, then trotted over to the nearest pony, a pink stallion with poofy hair and balloon cutie marks. “Excuse me? Do you know where—”

The pony leapt into air, let out a prolonged gasp, and vanished.

“Uhm, okay…” Twilight scratched her head.

Spike chuckled to himself. “Looks like you’re popular already, Twilight.”

Twilight jerked her head and started walking. “Come on, I saw a barn on our way here.”

“Didn’t the princess order you to make some friends while you were here?” Spike asked.

“The last thing I need is friends. I just want to get these errands out of the way so I can go back to doing something important.”

“You’re always so negative, Twilight. Maybe everypony here will surprise you.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well, I suppose first impressions don’t get much worse than that.”

Walking to Sweet Apple Acres did not take very long. Despite a few grumbles about the heat, Twilight and Spike found it fairly easily. As Twilight walked up the path, she looked around for ponies. She spotted an orange stallion with a cowboy hat and an apple cutie mark. He kicked one of the trees, and a shower of apples immediately fell into baskets sitting below.

Twilight approached him. The stallion stopped mid-kick and turned to Twilight. “Well, hello there!” he said cheerfully. “Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! Name’s Applejack! What can I do ya for?”

“Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. And you're in charge of the food?”

“Sure am. My brother ’n’ sister should be in the kitchen preparin’ things as we speak.”

Twilight turned around. “Well, sounds like you have everything under control. We’ll let you get back to—” She found a hoof draped around her shoulder, steering her in the other direction.

Applejack smiled. “What’s the rush? Don’tcha wanna check things out a bit?”

Twilight picked his hoof up with a small bit of telekinesis. “Thanks for the offer, but we really do have a lot of—”

The hoof was back. “Oh, nonsense. Won’t take but a moment. And I gar-unn-tee this is the best chow in Equestria!”

Spike started walking alongside the two ponies. “Now that you mention it, I could eat.”

“Spike, be quiet,” Twilight whispered loudly.

“Besides,” Applejack patted Twilight’s side with his hoof, “a pretty mare like you needs to keep her strength up.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but Spike cut her off.

“C’mon, Twilight! Celestia told you to oversee the preparations, right? We gotta be thorough!”

“Spike—”

Applejack flung open the door to the house and led Twilight inside. A tall red stallion was stirring something on the stove, and a yellow filly was slicing apples at the kitchen table.

“Miss Sparkle, this here is Big Mac and Apple Bloom. Y’all, this is Twilight Sparkle and Spike. They’re here to inspect the food for the Celebration.”

Big Mac nodded at Twilight. Apple Bloom leapt over.

“Wow! So y’all are from Canterlot?”

Twilight pushed Applejack’s hoof off her shoulder. “Yes, we are.”

Apple Bloom smiled. “Well don’t you worry. Me and my brothers and granny make the best food in Equestria!”

Twilight smiled. “How could I disbelieve such a cute filly?” She turned towards the door. “Clearly everything must be fine. No need for us to be here. Spike, let’s go.” She got a few inches towards the door before Applejack said something.

“Say, A.B.” Applejack knelt down. “Why don’t you and Big Mac show Spike the entrees? I know you were braggin’ about that apple stew earlier.”

Twilight cringed at the mispronunciation of “entrées”. If the stallion was trying to impress her, it was having entirely the opposite effect.

“Okay!” Apple Bloom bounced into the living room. Spike licked his lips and followed her.

A small smile crept across Applejack’s face. “And I can show Miss Sparkle the desserts.”

Big Mac glanced at Applejack, one of his eyebrows creeping upward. Applejack’s only response was the same small smile. Eventually Big Mac walked slowly after his little sister and Spike. He shot one final glance at Applejack before disappearing into the living room.

Twilight sighed loudly. The door was right there. With considerable effort, she tore her gaze away and turned around. Applejack had already placed a pie onto the table.

Applejack smiled. “Made it myself. Let me get you a plate.”

Twilight reluctantly sat down. I guess I am kind of hungry. And it does smell pretty good.

There was a clink of dishes and Applejack returned with some plates and utensils. After setting them down, he started to cut a slice of pie.

Twilight squirmed in her chair slightly. She glanced at the door. A particularly loud clink of silverware brought her attention back to the table. A hearty slice of apple pie sat on a plate in front of her.

Applejack sat down. “Dig in.” He leaned in a bit. “I promise it’s dee-licious. Everything in the house is.”

Twilight eyed the pie for moment, then delicately grabbed it with her magic and took a bite.

Applejack smiled again. “Like it?”

“This is actually pretty good.” She took another bite. “I can see why Princess Celestia hired you to cater.”

The pie was just delicious enough to be distracting. As Twilight put another forkful in her mouth, Applejack slid his chair a few inches closer to her. Twilight didn’t notice the gentle squeak as it moved.

Twilight chewed for a moment. She suddenly realized her chewing was the loudest thing in the room. “So…” She swallowed. “You harvest the apples and you bake them?”

“Yeah, me and my brother take shifts. Keeps things interestin’.”

“Right.”

Applejack scooted a few inches closer, and another soft squeak leaked out of the chair.

“Miss Sparkle, do you mind if I call you ‘Twilight’?”

“I guess not.”

Applejack’s chair scraped loudly along the floor. He was rather close to Twilight now. She paused mid-chew to glance at the tiny gap between them.

“Uhm, what are you doing?”

Applejack leaned forwards. “I need to tell you somethin’, Twilight.”

Twilight’s eyes flicked to the side and back again. “Okay?”

“And before I tell ya, I want you ta know that I don’t say something unless it’s the truth. I take honesty very seriously.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Duly noted?” She returned to her food, though her eyes remained fixed on the stallion. She quietly realized she was eating food in a stranger’s kitchen.

“The truth is, Twilight.” He lowered his voice a little. “I think you’re beautiful.”

Twilight froze. Her mouth hung open, ready to receive pie, but she couldn’t quite finish the action.

“Well, Applejack, that’s very nice of you to say—”

Applejack leaned towards her, and Twilight reflexively scooted backwards. Her haunch slid right to the edge of her seat, and her neck moved as far away as possible before her balance wavered.

“No, really, I mean it. Not often a mare as pretty as you comes ’round these parts.”

Twilight put her food down. “I think I’d better leave.” She slid off her chair, but Applejack was right there in moments, his hoof touching hers.

“I ain’t blowin’ smoke here. You’re hot.”

Twilight’s horn started to glow, and a few seconds later Spike floated through the doorway and landed on her back.

“I’m really not interested. Wish I could say I was flattered, but—”

“I know I’m comin’ on kinda strong, but really, you’re just so—”

“Thanks for the food bye!”

The door slammed shut. The entire house rattled slightly.

Big Mac strolled over and stood next to Applejack.

Applejack rubbed his neck nervously. “I guess that mighta gone better.”

Big Mac chewed absently for a moment. The piece of hay in his mouth rolled around a little as he did. Finally, he stopped and opened his mouth to answer. “Eeyup.”

“Well, that was uncomfortable…” Twilight muttered.

“They seemed nice.” Spike popped an apple slice into his mouth.

“That’s because you were too busy stuffing your face! That orange stallion was hitting on me the whole time we were there!”

“Whatting on you? Did he punch you or something?”

“You know what, never mind.” Twilight glanced at the list. “Next up, weather. Says here the captain of the weather team is named Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight stared up at the sky. She was so busy calculating the cloud coverage she didn’t notice the pegasus about to crash into her. The purple-and-blue blur rolled several feet before it finally came to a stop. The stallion lay flat on his back, Twilight sprawled awkwardly across his chest.

“Ow.”

“Hey, watch where you’re going, lady!” The pegasus propped himself up on his forelegs and shook his head. He glanced down at Twilight and smirked. “Unless, of course, you wanted to run into me.” He leaned closer and his snout stopped less than an inch from Twilight’s. “In that case, feel free to scoot down a bit.”

“Ugh, get away from me, you perv!” Twilight shoved his face away with a small spell. She pushed herself backward, clumsily putting a few feet between her and the stallion.

The pegasus got to his feet easily. He rolled his eyes. “Well, I see somepony can’t take a joke. I’m an eligible bachelor, lady. Like I would waste my time with some nopony like you.”

Twilight picked herself up and cast a quick spell to check herself for injuries. “Yes, clearly every mare in Equestria would be lucky to have a jerk like you as their special somepony.”

She looked up and started. The stallion hovered inches above her.

He rubbed his chin with a hoof. “You know, now that you’re standing up, you don’t look that bad. Egghead, obviously, but not that bad.” He leaned closer to her face. “Of course, you still looked better on top of me.”

Twilight fired a spell at him. He moved a few feet to the left and the spell whizzed past him.

“Playing hard to get, eh? I like that.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Ugh, would you just you go away? I have to go find the captain of the weather team.”

The stallion’s smirk widened. “You mean Rainbow Dash?”

“Yes! You know her?”

The stallion flipped onto his back and started floating lazily backward. “I might.”

Twilight’s eyes flicked onto the stallion’s chromatic mane and tail, and his rainbow-lightning cutie mark. “Ugh, you have got to be kidding.”

“The one and only! And don’t worry about the mixup, lots of ponies assume things about my name.” He smiled. “Trust me though, name or not, I’m all stallion.”

Twilight buried her face in a hoof.

“I must be even more popular with the ladies than I thought. Usually they don’t come looking for me.”

Twilight sighed and reluctantly put her hoof down. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia sent me—”

“’Bout time!”

“—to oversee the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration.” Twilight jabbed a hoof at the smug pegasus. “And you are supposed to have the sky cleared by now!”

Dash waved a hoof dismissively. “Eh, it’ll get done.”

“The celebration is tomorrow!”

“I can clear the whole sky in ten seconds flat.”

“Prove it.”

“Sure, I just need a little motivation.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “That being?”

A smug grin spread across Dash’s face. “Kiss me.”

“What!? Ew, no!”

“Suit yourself.” Dash shrugged dramatically.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “I bet you can’t even do it.”

Dash flipped onto his stomach, his eyes locked on Twilight. “Oh you bet, do you?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“You’re on!” His wings flared out. He shot upward, a rainbow streak the only evidence he had ever been there. The highly visible trail zigzagged across the sky, smashing into clouds everywhere. When Dash settled back down in front of Twilight, the sky was perfectly clear.

“Huh.” Twilight looked all over the sky but couldn’t find a single cloud.

She felt a hoof drape across her shoulder.

“What’d I tell ya? Ten. Seconds. Flat. Now, about that bet…” Rainbow took a long look at Twilight’s rump, and one corner of his mouth slowly snuck upward.

Twilight grimaced. She pushed his face away with some magic and walked away. “What bet? I didn’t bet anything.”

Rainbow grinned that same smug grin. “I cry when you say goodbye, but I love the view when you do!” he called after her.

Twilight shuddered. “Ugh. Spike, please don’t turn out like that when you’re older.”

Spike plopped another apple slice into his mouth. “Like what?”

Twilight sighed. “Never mind. What’s next on the list?”

“Decorations at the town hall, looks like.”

Spike and Twilight stepped into the town hall. Embroidered banners hung on the walls and balcony, and numerous ribbons were tied on the columns and posts.

“Huh. It actually looks really nice,” Twilight said to herself.

“Why thank you, darling.”

Twilight jumped a little. She turned around. A statuesque white stallion was standing behind her. He had an incredibly elaborate manecut and three diamonds for a cutie mark.

He bowed. “Rarity, master tailor at your service.”

“Uhm, Twilight Sparkle, and this is Spike. Nice to meet you?”

“I like your cutie mark,” Spike said.

“Why, thank you.” Rarity rose up slightly and extended a hoof.

“Uhm, what are you doing?”

Rarity withdrew his foreleg. “Ah, forgive me, darling. I was going to kiss your hoof, but sometimes I get carried away with formality. Now, let’s get a good look at you.”

Rarity leaned towards Twilight’s face, and she instinctively moved her neck back. He walked around her once and put a hoof to his chin.

“Well, I’m certainly not complaining. Great figure, regal posture, colorful mane… But I told the agency I wasn’t interviewing models today. I’m busy preparing decorations for the Summer Sun Celebration.” Rarity waved a hoof at the banners hung everywhere.

“I’m not a model.”

One of Rarity’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? Well, then, how can I help you?”

“I’m here to check on the preparations.”

Rarity smiled. “Well, as you can see, they aren’t quite done yet.” He trotted over to a pile of ribbons and started sorting through them. “I still have more ribbons and banners to put up. Everything is embroidered and sewn, however, so it should be ready well before the Celebration begins.” He pulled a ribbon out of the pile and held it up to the wall. He shook his head and grabbed a different one. “Did you have any specific questions?”

“Uh, no, not really.” Twilight scratched her head. “Huh. You’re actually the only pony so far who has bothered to be professional about their progress report.”

“First impressions are everything, dear. I may not have grown up in Canterlot or Manehattan, but I do know a few things about manners.” Rarity tied the ribbon around a nearby post and put a hoof to his chin. He nodded quickly and continued to sift through the pile.

“Well…keep up the good work?” Twilight turned to leave.

She was a few steps from the exit when Rarity called out to her. “Oh, one more thing.” She reluctantly turned around.

Rarity trotted over to Twilight and handed her a card. “Take my card. A body like yours should not be wasted on secretarial work.”

“I’m not a secretary, I’m Princess Celestia’s personal student.”

“Well, that would explain your regal demeanor.” Rarity chuckled. “And your stoic attitude.” He proffered the card again. “Just think it over. I know many ponies who model as a hobby. And a lovely body like yours wouldn’t need much extra effort.”

“Thanks, but I’m not interested.” Twilight turned back to the door.

“Ah, I understand. It’s fine. The insecure ponies rarely become models.”

Twilight’s ear flicked. She spun around. “I am not insecure!”

Rarity took a step forward. “Why else would a mare as attractive as you not want to model? I’ve seen it before, Twilight.”

“That’s preposterous.”

“I bet you’ve never had a special somepony either. You have to love yourself before you can love another, after all.”

“Excuse me!?”

Rarity grabbed Twilight’s hoof. “Don’t be afraid to admit to yourself you’re beautiful, Twilight.” He leaned in. “I think you look radiant.”

Twilight jerked her hoof away. “Oh, ew! You’re hitting on me, aren’t you?”

Rarity drew a hoof to his chest in mock horror. “I would never invade somepony’s personal boundaries in such a way! I merely hate seeing talent and self-esteem go to waste.” He leaned forward. “Of course, if you wanted to engage in some harmless flirting as practice, I could oblige you. I know how self-conscious virgins can be.” He smiled. “I’ve taught the same lesson to countless models like yourself, as a matter of fact. It is one advantage of having your home and business in the same building.”

The slapping spell was inches from Rarity’s face when he cast the barrier. The two bursts of magic collided harmlessly.

Twilight glared at him before opening the door. “Spike! We’re leaving!”

“I wasn’t eating his gems, I swear!”

Twilight grabbed Spike and stormed out. She slammed the door shut so hard that one of the hinges clattered to the floor.

Rarity straightened his mane and turned back to his work. “She’ll be back. They always are.”

Twilight’s ear flicked. She shuddered. “Ugh, and I was hoping I’d found one stallion in this town who wasn’t a horny pervert.”

“A what?”

“Oh, never mind.” Twilight looked away from Spike and nervously ran a hoof through her mane. She felt something behind her ear. She pulled it out with her magic and rolled her eyes. It was Rarity’s card. It vanished in a puff of fire and she brushed her hoof on her coat.

She turned to Spike. “Anyway, what’s next on the list?”

Spike pulled out the parchment. “Music. Last thing.”

“Thank Celestia.” Twilight’s ear flicked. “Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Twilight walked a bit further, and she definitely heard faint strands of music wafting through the air. She walked along the path, around a few bushes, and finally walked into a park. She saw a yellow pegasus conducting a choir of birds. Beethooven’s Fifth, she thought to herself.

There was a pause as the stallion gave a few orders to some of the birds. He settled back into place and raised his hooves.

“Hello,” Twilight said.

There was a squeal of fright from the stallion as he zipped into a nearby bush. The birds scattered.

Twilight trotted over to the shrub. “Oh my, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you.” She peeked in between the branches, and spotted a few flashes of pink and yellow. “I was just listening to the music. It sounded beautiful.”

“Oh, uhm…thank you.” It was barely a whisper. The pegasus slowly poked his head out, and carefully picked the rest of himself out of the bush. Twilight moved a few of the branches apart with her magic, and the stallion settled onto the ground.

Twilight smiled. “Again, sorry about that. My name’s Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia sent me to check on the preparations for the Celebration.”

The stallion scuffed a hoof on the ground. “I’m Fluttershy.” He turned his head to the side, his bangs covering most of his face. “Nice to…meet you.”

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. “You know, I’ve been to a lot of concerts in Canterlot, but I’ve never seen such a well-trained bird choir before. Most Canterlot ponies prefer actual musicians.”

Fluttershy mumbled something.

“Sorry, what was that?” Twilight asked.

Fluttershy swallowed loudly. “I…I could…play you some more. If you want.”

“Oh, I don’t want to get in your way. I kind of had something to do, anyway.”

Fluttershy finally looked at Twilight. “It’s…it’s really no trouble. I mean, we have to practice anyway.” He turned his head to the side again. “I mean…if you wanted to, it’s okay. If you want. You seem really nice…so…I’m sure the birds wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t mind.”

The birds had fluttered back onto the tree branch. Twilight put a hoof to her chin again.

Spike walked up to Twilight. “C’mon, Twilight, why not? This is way better than some dusty old research about Nightmare Moon.”

Fluttershy’s eyes lit up. “Oh my goodness! A baby dragon!”

“Oh, right.” Twilight waved a hoof at Spike. “This is Spike, my assistant.”

“Hi.” Spike waved gingerly.

Fluttershy leaned over. “He’s adorable! I’ve never seen a baby dragon before!”

“Well, that’s not surprising. Spike is the only domesticated dragon in all of Equestria. At least, that’s what they told me when I hatched him.”

Fluttershy bent down to look at Spike. “Wow, you hatched a dragon all by yourself?”

“Well, yeah.” Twilight blushed a little. “I kind of got lucky though.”

Fluttershy stood up. “Oh wow, this is so great. I mean, I’ve never met a pony who liked animals and music just like me.” He blushed and hid behind his bangs again. “Or, uhm, one who was so cute.”

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“Nothing.” Fluttershy turned back to the bird choir. “You know, maybe after we’re done practicing, you and I could, uhm, go to my cottage, and, well, I could show you all my animals. And then, maybe, Spike and my animals could spend some time together.” Fluttershy gulped. “And then…we…I mean, you and I…could spend some time together…as well?”

“Uhm, what?”

Fluttershy spun around. “I mean, if you want!” He poked the ground with his hoof. “It’s just, we both like music and cute animals, and uhm, you’re really…really pretty.”

Twilight took a step back. “Well, uhm, gee, that sounds nice and all, but—”

“I mean, I’ve never had a soulmate before, so I might not be very good at it. But we could still—”

Twilight turned around. “Sorry, I just remembered I have to go do…something…”

“Do what?” Spike asked.

“You know, that thing.” Twilight grabbed Spike and placed him on her back. “Maybe some other time, Fluttershy. But probably not.”

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “Wait, I—”

But Twilight had already started walking off.

Fluttershy sighed. “There I go being too forward and energetic again…”

“He seemed nice,” Spike said

Twilight snorted. “Yeah, real nice. Another pony who wants to get in my…never mind.”

“Get in your what?”

“I said ‘never mind.’” Twilight sighed. “Right now I just want to get in bed and sleep. This whole day has been exhausting.”

The two were silent during the walk. Finally, the library came into view. Twilight quickened her pace.

She placed a hoof on the door and sighed. Calm down, she thought to herself. After a nice rest, there will be plenty of time for research.

Twilight opened the door and was momentarily blinded by confetti.

“SURPRISE!” a dozen ponies shouted.

Twilight groaned. “Of course.”

A familiar pink stallion hopped over to Twilight. “So? What do you think?” he asked. “I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Huh huh huh?”

Twilight wound towards the kitchen, pushing more than a few ponies out of her way. “I knew I should have told the guards to lock the door after themselves…” A streamer caught in her mane and she hastily removed it.

Pinkie hopped after her. “See, I knew when we first met that you had to be new in town, cuz I know everypony and I don’t know you, at least not yet. What’s your name?”

“Twilight Sparkle.” She stepped into the kitchen and glanced around.

“Welcome to Ponyville, Twilight!” Pinkie punctuated his sentence by throwing a pile of confetti everywhere.

Twilight glanced behind the stallion’s back. “Where’d that confetti come from?”

“So, since you’re new in town, official Pinkie Pie party policy is that you get a super-duper welcome party!” He bounced upward to punctuate the last word.

Twilight grabbed a glass and took a drink of water.

Pinkie smiled. “You still haven’t told me what you think of the party! Do you love it? Or do you really love it?”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You broke into the building I’m staying at, dragged a bunch of party stuff into a library, and then you invited dozens of strangers to a loud party that I don't want to have. How do you think I feel?”

“Ecstatic?”

“Annoyed!”

Pinkie's face fell. “Wait…are you saying you don't like it?”

“Yes!”

Pinkie scratched his head. “Huh. Normally everypony loves it when I do this.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, clearly breaking and entering is a great first impression.”

“Ohhhhhh, I get it! You’re grumpy! That is perfect!”

“What?”

“It means I get to sing my song about smiling! A pretty mare like you shouldn’t have such a frowny face!”

“It’s my party and I’ll frown if I want to!”

Pinkie draped a hoof around Twilight’s shoulder. “Aw, c’mon, frowning’s not any fun! And it causes premature wrinkling! Are you sure you don’t want a really upbeat musical number to cheer you up? There’s a whole bunch of background dancing and uplifting lyrics and possibly some hopping around on roofs!” Pinkie swept a hoof in front of Twilight.

“I’m sure.” Twilight glanced suspiciously at the pink hoof hanging on her.

“I promise you’ll love it! All the mares swoon when I do it for them. I mean, I do it for stallions too, but you look kinda mad and I don't want you to get the wrong idea because I'm definitely not hitting on you or anything.”

“You aren’t?”

“Nope! But if in theory I was hitting on you, how am I doing?”

Twilight pushed Pinkie off her and jabbed a hoof at the door. “Get out.”

Pinkie gasped. “But if I leave, then who will introduce you to all your new friends?”

“All the ponies in this town are creepy! Why would I want to be friends with them?” Twilight pushed past Pinkie. She headed out of the kitchen and tried to find the stairs in the sea of ponies.

Pinkie bounced out of the kitchen after her. “Oh, I get it! You’re one of those ponies who doesn’t like to make friends. That is perfect!”

“Good. It means you can stop following me.” Twilight shoved her way towards the stairs. Pinkie matched every step with a bounce.

“No, silly! It means we get to ease you into friendship! You and me can hang out together, alone, and then once you realize how amazing having friends is we can go back to the party!”

Twilight paused at the top of the stairs and turned around. “Oh please. What would you and I possibly do together?”

“Oh, I know lots of games for two ponies! Charades. Checkers. Go Fish.” Pinkie smiled. “Other stuff.”

“Ugh.” Twilight stepped into the bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “I’ll give you a raincheck on the song! But you don’t have to be in the rain, and you don’t have to check anything. I’ll just sing it for you later! And until then you can still enjoy the party!”

Twilight let out a deep sigh as she flopped onto the bed. A loud cheer pierced her door from the floor below; It was going to be a long night.

Author's Notes:

I have not used the alternate gender names for any of the main six in any version of this story (Rainbow Blitz, Butterscotch, Sunset Shimmer Dusk Shine, etc.). They dissociate the two versions of a character (which can be helpful, but I did not want that effect here). I also personally find them rather biased; boys can be named Pinkie Pie, girls can be named Shining Armor.

Don't forget to check out the all-mare version (FIMfic), all-stallion version (FIMfic), and opposite gender versions (FIMfic)! The joke is that they are all basically identical. Clever commentary on gender roles and societal expectations, or cheap exploitation of audience reactions? Who knows.

Comments are enabled on the documents, if you spot any typos

Double Jeopardy

Twilight flung another book off the shelf. The pile on the floor grew steadily larger, not a scrap of useful information in sight. It was too bad that Spike had fallen asleep; his assistance would’ve been helpful. Whomever had arranged this library had clearly never heard of the Donkey Decimal System. Alphabetical order and no cards index—it was a travesty.

“Ugh, this isn’t right either!” Twilight groaned as she dropped another book. No wonder they fired the old librarian! This system is so primitive the shelves may as well be made of carved stone, Twilight thought to herself. Another book flopped onto the floor.

Twilight’s ear flicked as voices wafted through the door. She turned her head just as the door burst open and her ears flattened; the five stallions who entered were lamentably familiar. They were in the middle of an enthusiastic debate, and the topic was neither surprising nor subtle.

Rainbow Dash’s hooves clacked loudly as he landed. “I’m just saying, I’d do her.”

“That’s not saying very much, since you would do anypony,” Twilight muttered.

Rarity rolled his eyes. “Nopony is denying that she’s attractive, Rainbow Dash. I think we can all agree on that.”

“She does have really nice legs,” Applejack said.

“And a cute flank!” Pinkie added.

“And, uhm, pretty eyes,” Fluttershy agreed.

“Yes, yes, and her mane is gorgeous. We covered this already.” Rarity bit his lip for a moment. “I am just saying, perhaps trying to…hit on an alicorn bent on creating eternal night may not be the best idea.” Rarity glanced at Twilight. “Especially when there are equally attractive, less uncouth options available.”

It was Rainbow Dash’s turn to roll his eyes. “See, that’s the problem with you prissy types. You’re always thinking small and conformist.” He grinned. “Who’s to say I can’t have both?”

“Ahem,” Twilight interrupted. “What exactly are you pervs doing here?”

“Ooh, I know this one!” Pinkie waved his hoof around a bit, not unlike an overenthusiastic kindergartener. He inhaled deeply, and the suction of it was just enough to ruffle some of the papers scattered about.“Nightmare Moon showed up and everypony was like ‘oh no!’ but you were like ‘hey I know who you are’ and then the guards tried to stop her but they got hit with lightning and then Rainbow Dash tried to tackle her but Applejack stopped him and Nightmare Moon was all ‘muwahaha’ and she vanished so we all followed you since you look really hot when you panic!”

Rarity poked Pinkie with an elbow.

“What? It’s true.”

Rarity cleared his throat. “What Pinkie is trying to say, is that we would like to help you stop this Nightmare Moon. It seemed like you might know a way to defeat her.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “And why would you want to do that?”

“Oh come now, darling,” Rarity waved at the window. “Do we need a reason to want to stop eternal night? I had hoped that would be a no-brainer, as it were.”

“Yeah, when am I supposed to nap if there’s no daylight?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight sighed. “I suppose you have a point. Well, not Rainbow Dash.” She turned back to the shelves she had been ransacking. “Even if I wanted your help, I don’t actually know anything about Nightmare Moon. I only read about the prediction of her return. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know where they are or what they do.”

“Ooh, will this help?” Pinkie held up a large, leather-bound volume. “The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.”

Twilight snatched the book away, leafing through it. “Where’d you find this?”

“In the E section, silly!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. Alphabetic sorting really should be outlawed. She cleared her throat and started to read from the book. “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth has been lost to time. It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now the…Everfree Forest!”

“Ooh! I know that place!” Pinkie poked his head in between the book, his mane rubbing along Twilight’s chest as he scooted forward.

Twilight scurried backward. Her chest felt distinctly sticky where Pinkie’s mane had rubbed across it. Even from a distance, the smell of sugar and flour wafted off Pinkie’s hair. Yet another reason to leave this town as quickly as possible.

“Yes, Pinkie. We all know that place,” Rarity said. “It is right outside of town.”

Twilight headed toward the door. “Well, thanks for the help, but I can take it from here. I can’t technically kick you out, since the library is public property, but you’ll probably leave soon enough. We don’t carry any pornography.”

Applejack flung a hoof over Twilight’s shoulder. “Don’t be crazy, sugarcube. We can’t let a mare go inta the Everfree Forest unescorted. It’s one of the most dangerous places in Equestria!”

Twilight lifted the hoof off. “I can handle myself.” She turned back to the door. Rainbow Dash floated in front of it, his wings and body just wide enough to block her way.

“Don’t be crazy, Twilight. Nopony who has gone in there has ever come out. You won’t last two minutes without some help.” He landed inches away from Twilight, one eyebrow rising as he leaned towards her. “Luckily for you, the fastest pegasus in Equestria is willing to accompany you.”

“I’m not going in there to hit on her, so I don’t think your skillset would be that helpful.”

“Not that kind of fast.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Unless you like it that way.”

Twilight had to resist the urge to bury her face in a hoof. “Why would anypony like it that way?”

Rarity had already opened the door. “Don’t worry, dear. You are in very capable hooves.”

Capable of what? Twilight thought to herself. She shook her head violently. By Celestia, I have to be more careful—they’re starting to rub off on me…

The night was cold. None of the pegasi had bothered to adjust for the lack of sunlight; there were too many other things to deal with. They had scheduled a series of cross-breezes to help keep the crowds cool during the celebration. Had the sun actually risen, the wind would have complemented warm sunlight quite comfortably. Now it just made the night that much colder.

Twilight walked along the dirt road slowly and carefully. Fluttershy trotted a few steps behind her, as silent as ever. Now and then Twilight would glance back at him, and the stallion would plainly avert his gaze. The other four ponies walked a few yards ahead, talking amongst themselves. Every so often one would turn to look at Twilight, and she would give them an irritated scowl. The six ponies had originally been in a single group, but after five separate attempts to “warm her up,” Twilight had decided to cultivate some personal space.

The sheer audacity of the situation was becoming distracting. Instead of thinking of ways to stop Nightmare Moon, running scenarios about the Elements, or casting a triangulation spell to find the castle, Twilight could only walk along and grit her teeth.

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy asked. He was on Twilight’s left, so his bangs obscured his face.

“Not really,” Twilight muttered. “I wasn’t expecting today to go quite like this.” She kept her eyes on the road.

“Sorry,” Fluttershy said. “I guess none of us made a very good first impression. It’s just…” His wings twitched slightly. “I’m not very good at talking to ponies, so when you liked all the same things I did, I just…” His ears flattened. It might have been the color of his mane, but there looked like the beginnings of a blush on his cheeks. “Sorry. I guess somepony as pretty as you is used to being treated better. I just never know what to say.”

Twilight sighed. “Actually, I don’t really talk to many ponies either. I’m usually busy with studying. That’s one reason I got assigned here, to make me get out more.”

“Kind of…kind of like work is just easier than dealing with ponies?”

Twilight didn’t answer immediately. “I suppose I never really thought about it that way. I just like reading and studying and assignments. Whenever I got invited to a party or something, I was never in the mood for it.”

Fluttershy didn’t answer right away, so Twilight continued walking. The silence continued, and the longer it went, the harder it became to ignore. Twilight finally turned her head to say something. Instead, her neck jerked backward. Fluttershy’s face was inches from her own. His mouth had broken into a small smile. He exhaled loudly and warm air hit her in the muzzle—Twilight could smell lettuce and breath mints.

“Oh, I knew we were just like each other!” He leaned in further, his mane brushing against Twilight’s face. Twilight leaned back, trying and failing to salvage her broken personal space. The narrow path didn’t help. She was barely able to keep walking forward without tripping.

Fluttershy’s smile had grown; if Twilight had been in the mood, she could have counted his teeth. “I always knew I’d find my soulmate one day. My mom kept telling me I just had to wait for the right pony to come along, and she was right! I didn’t really believe her at first, but here you are!”

Twilight grimaced. “That’s really not what I was—”

“What exactly do soulmates do?” Fluttershy gasped. “Should we move in together? My cottage is really spacious, even with all the animals in it. Not that you mind animals, obviously, since we’re soulmates.”

Twilight quickened her pace. “I really don’t think—” She bumped into Rainbow Dash’s flank. The group had abruptly stopped walking.

Dash turned his head and smiled. “Change your mind, eh? Not that I can blame you. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here when we finish saving Equestria, so no need to rush.”

“Ugh.” Twilight stepped to the side. She could be properly indignant later, but for now she had to focus on the Forest. She had read about it, of course, but this was the first time she had been anywhere close to the place. A vast expanse of trees stretched before her. The moonlight barely filtered through the thick canopy of leaves, but the tangled bushes and roots were still visible enough. The path continued into the forest, though it became considerably less flat and noticeably less wide as it stretched deeper into the woods.

“We’re here!” Pinkie shouted. “The Everfree Forest!” He waved a hoof dramatically at the trees, though the size of the forest meant it was more of a directionless waggle.

“Yes, thank you, Pinkie. I think everyone figured that out,” Rarity said

“Last one to the castle is a stale cupcake!”

If the path had been narrow outside the forest, then inside it was nearly non-existent. Underbrush and tree roots encroached at every opportunity. The space that wasn’t being clawed at by plants was littered with rocks and fallen leaves. Enough moonlight filtered down to see, but the sheer volume of debris made walking difficult anyway.

Pinkie jumped over a bush. “Wow, this place is pretty ominous. And vol-ominous.”

“It’s pronounced voluminous,” Twilight muttered.

“Gesundheit.”

“It certainly is quite dreadful. No wonder nopony ever comes in here.” Rarity pushed aside a branch. “I had hoped the rumors about it were exaggerated.”

“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Applejack said. “There are six of us here, after all.”

Trekking through the dim forest was surprisingly easy. Before long, they emerged from the trees and quickly stopped. A sheer cliff stretched in front of them, tall enough for fog to form at the bottom. Another woody expanse poked through the mist, the barest indication of ground below. The six of them gathered at the edge and looked down, though it wasn’t quite in unison.

“Ooh, what’s that?” Pinkie jabbed a hoof forward. There was a noticeable blotch of grey in the middle of the green foliage.

“Looks like a building,” Twilight said. “Guess we know we’re going the right direction, at least.”

“And exactly how are we supposed to get down this cliff?” Applejack glanced down. “I don’t think I can climb and carry Twilight at the same time.”

“I could carry her,” Rainbow offered. “I may not be an earth pony, but I have been working out.” He curled a foreleg and leaned toward Twilight. “Pretty good right?”

Twilight rubbed her forehead. “Ew, no.” She was reminded of the saddlebags she had left at the library. The tailenol inside would have been helpful at the moment.

“Well, somepony has to carry you, sugarcube. You are kinda wispy—wouldn’t want you ta get hurt.”

“Ugh, nopony is carrying me!” Twilight took a step sideways. “Especially not any of you.”

“Ooh, I brought some balloons! I could attach them to you.” Pinkie pulled a package out of his mane. “The string isn’t too strong, though, so I’ll need to tie them on really tight. If you’re not into that, I could just use more.”

The argument was an impressive distraction. None of the ponies noticed the blue smoke seeping into the cliffside.

Applejack’s ear flicked. “Did y’all hear that?”

“Hear what? The sound of an approaching restraining order?” Twilight replied.

The crack echoed through the forest. A few birds scattered from a tree nearby.

“Look out!” Applejack tackled Twilight, flinging both of them sideways. A piece of the cliff crumbled away just as they left the ground.

For a few moments it was nothing but dust and coughing. Eventually the thick brown cloud cleared, and the six ponies stumbled to their feet. They were still at the edge of the cliff, though that edge had moved several yards in the intervening minutes.

Twilight let out another cough. She could definitely feel dust in her lungs, and there was a smear of dirt clinging to her mane. There might have been a small clod in her ear. It wasn’t surprising, given the skidding from Applejack’s tackle. “Is everypony okay?”

“I think so.” Applejack smacked some of the dirt off his hat. “We’re all still here, at any rate. Are you alright?”

Twilight coughed again. Yep definitely a clod in her ear. “I’m fine. Uhm, thanks for saving me?”

Applejack smiled. “Don’t mention it. Why I’m here.”

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, but Rainbow Dash landed in between them.

His wings flared out. “What’s the big idea, blondie?” he asked angrily. “I thought we agreed I would get the first turn!”

Twilight’s ears flattened. “First turn at what, exactly?”

“I figured that wouldn’t apply to life-threatenin’ situations!”

Rainbow took a step forward. “Why wouldn’t it? How else am I supposed to show off how awesome I am?”

Applejack took his own step forward. “Well, if you were really so fast, then I wouldn’t’ve been able to beat ya to it in the first place!”

“At least I’m not some deal-breaking farmboy!” Dash poked Applejack in the chest.

“My granny always told me two things—you gotta be honest with mares and you gotta be there to help them when they need it. No way takin’ turns is more important than that!”

“Taking turns at what?” Twilight’s voice was a lot louder, although the answer was starting to become obvious.

Rarity stepped in between the two ponies. “Now now, let’s calm down. Applejack, darling, I’m sure your granny is a smart cookie, as it were, but you cannot be so black and white these days. Modern mares need more subtlety and tact. That’s why we made that arrangement in the first place.”

“We made an arrangement?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof at Applejack. “When was the last time you even talked to a girl anyway? I’ve never seen you off that farm.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. She turned away from the arguing ponies and surveyed the cliff. It was quite tall, but there was a flat outcropping about halfway down. The cliff sloped heavily, but the fog made it difficult to see the bottom. She bit her lip. Forty-nine degrees, maybe? It may not continue that way, though. Guess I should play it safe and do it in two.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Her horn started to glow, and a few seconds later she vanished in a bubble of purple light.

She reappeared about halfway down, on a flat spot just before the drop. After a quick check, she teleported again, landing safely at the bottom. The fog was still thick, but her spell had gone off without a hitch. Twilight smiled. The other four were still arguing.

Wait, four?

“Nice teleport spell,” Rarity said, inches away from her. His hooves had sunk into the grass, just like hers. The complete lack of hoofprints made it obvious how he had followed her. “Perhaps you could give me lessons sometime?”

Twilight’s tail whipped violently. “How’d you do that?”

“Oh, well, I don’t like to brag.” Rarity fluffed his mane with a hoof. “My first marefriend was one of those independent, athletic types. We took a few magical self-defense classes together.”

“And you don’t anymore?”

“After she le—after I moved on, the habit had already formed.”

“Riveting.” Twilight turned and started scanning the forest. Even from the lower angle, the ruined castle jutted out of the treetops. The shattered stone didn’t contrast much with the night sky, but it was visible enough.

Twilight took a step forward, but stopped. While ditching four-fifths of her suitors was tempting, it also meant she would be alone with the other one.

“You know, I wasn’t joking about those teleport lessons. Your spellcraft is obviously very good.” Rarity leaned forward. “I’m sure you could teach me a lot.”

“Ugh.”

The other four were already halfway down the cliff. Rainbow Dash was carrying Pinkie and Fluttershy was carrying Applejack. Rainbow Dash and Applejack appeared to be continuing their argument, but the details were muffled by wind and echoes.

“Wee, that was fun!” Pinkie said as he landed on the grass.

Rainbow ruffled his wings. “Maybe for you. Why are you so heavy, anyway?”

“Oh, there’s a lot of stuff in my mane. Plus I might’ve carbo-loaded before we came here.” Pinkie patted his stomach. “A guy’s gotta be prepared.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and continued into the forest.

If the forest had been a passive impediment earlier, then now it had evolved into an active threat. Benign stubbornness had given way to irate assault. The shrubbery had gotten uppity, the rocks had multiplied, and the vague suggestion of a path had vanished completely. Twilight ducked to avoid a branch, but her mane caught in a different one. Rainbow hopped over a large rock, and his wing tangled in a vine. Rarity avoided a thorn bush, only to be caught in a spiderweb a few inches after. Even the other three had trouble, despite their extensive experience with flora. The wide clearing would have been a welcome sight, but the foliage seemed preferable to the manticore standing in their way.

“Where the hay did he come from?” Twilight shouted.

“Better question, how are we supposed to get past it?” Rarity pointed a hoof forward. “That passage is too narrow to sneak around it.”

Applejack turned to Rainbow. “Well, Rainbow Flash, you wanted the first turn.” He waved at the creature. “Help yourself.”

The manticore roared loudly. A few birds scattered from a nearby tree.

Rainbow didn’t move. “You know, I figured that wouldn’t apply to things that needed teamwork to get past.”

“Oh, but you’re so eager to protect Twilight!” Applejack smiled. “Surely a big ol’ manticore is a pie walk for ya.” He leaned in. “Unless you’re scared.” His voice was just loud enough to hear in the quiet clearing. The manticore chose that particular moment to let out another bird-scattering roar.

Rainbow leapt up, his wings flaring and his coat bristling. “Scared? I’ll show you scared! Out of the way, Twilight.”

“Rainbow, wait!” Twilight held up a hoof, but Rainbow Dash had already launched himself towards the manticore. Twilight was still in the middle of the motion as he shot forward. By the time her foreleg was fully outstretched, he had already been smacked by the manticore’s tail. As her muscles settled, he had already skidded back to the group, leaving a noticeable furrow in the grass.

Twilight’s leg fell back down. “Well, that went better than I expected…”

“I was just gauging his weak points,” Rainbow muttered. “I got this.” He didn’t move.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. “I could use a spell on it, but Everfree fauna is resistant to magic.” I could also teleport past it, she thought to herself, but these pervs wouldn’t last five minutes without me.

“Oh don’t be silly, Twilight,” Rarity said. “We can handle this. You just stand there and look pretty.” He turned to Pinkie and Applejack. “I believe it was my turn next?”

“And what, exactly, is your plan?” Applejack asked.

Rarity cricked his neck. It would have been a dramatic gesture, had his mane not swished around his face as he did it. After he had twisted his neck left, then right, his hair sashayed right back into place. “I figured I would kick it in the face. Manticores freeze up when you hit their nose, don’t they?”

Applejack’s only response was a low snicker.

Pinkie leaned over Dash. “I don’t think that’s a great idea. Dashie sure has a lot of dirt stuck in his coat.”

“I’m fine,” Dash murmured. “Weak points.” The ditch, and the pegasus in it, remained unchanged.

“For the last time, I can take care of myself!” Twilight shouted. “I don’t need some pervert praetorian guard following me everywhere, trying and failing to impress me!”

The three ponies exchanged a glance. It would have been four, but Rainbow remained partially buried in the ground.

“Twilight, sugar, I’m sure you c’n take care of yourself just fine,” Applejack said slowly. “But we wouldn’t be able ta forgive ourselves if anythin’ happened to you.”

“Yes, it’s the principle of the thing,” Rarity added. “No one should have to brave this dreadful place alone.”

“What they said!” Pinkie punctuated his sentence with an upward leap.

The manticore let out another gravelly roar. It shook the plants nearby, but there were no birds to be seen.

“That’s not the point!” Twilight jabbed a hoof at the ponies. “You’re not doing this for me, or Equestria, you’re just doing it for yourselves! And you aren’t even helping!”

“Manticore’s out of the way,” Fluttershy said. “Did I miss anything important?”

Applejack cocked his head. “The manticore is what now?”

“He moved out of the way. Turns out he was just grumpy because he had thorn stuck in his paw.” Fluttershy smiled. “I pulled it out and he perked right up.”

Rainbow sat up and glanced around. The manticore had indeed left. “When did you do that?”

“Just now. While everypony was arguing.” Fluttershy’s bangs swept in front of his face. “I figured, you know, since everyone was busy, I could take care of it. Sorry if messed up your plans,” he mumbled.

“No, uhm, good work, I guess.” Twilight scratched her head, then turned to the passage the manticore had been blocking. “Guess we should get going.”

As they continued into the forest, the trees became steadily more numerous. Every step seemed to make the moon a little dimmer as more and more leaves crammed their way into the sky.

“This is ridiculous,” Rarity muttered. “I can barely see where I am going.” His horn ignited, throwing soft blue light onto the trees. “Dear Celestia, what is that?” he shouted, stumbling backward. He pointed a hoof at the thing, and his balance collapsed as he crashed into Fluttershy. Fluttershy turned to follow Rarity’s outstretched hoof, and suddenly let out a panicked squeak.

“What happened?” Twilight’s horn lit up, and she had her answer. The tree in front of her had a fang-laden face jutting out of it. Its branches ended in claws, and all five of the faux-arms swayed menacingly. One brushed past her face and she fell onto her flank.

The ponies bunched together as more of the faces crept out of the darkness. A dull pink glow leaked out of each one, highlighting its features like a deadly jack-o-lantern.

Rainbow’s wings flared out. “What do we do?”

“I don’t know, there’s too many of them!” Twilight’s horn grew brighter, but it only threw more of the demonic trees into focus.

Pinkie giggled. “Oh everypony, don’t worry! These are nothing to be scared of!” He stuck his face right next to the tree that had shocked Rarity.

“Pinkie, what are you talking about? Get away from that!” Twilight waved her hoof, but didn’t dare move any closer.

Pinkie produced a small, metallic tube and loudly cleared his throat. “To the tune of ‘Giggle at the Ghosty.’” The whistle let out a sharp fweeee as he blew on it.

“The tune of what?” Rarity asked.

His question went unanswered, covered up by Pinkie’s loud singing.

When I was a little pony and had trouble falling asleep,
The boredom and the darkness would always lurk and creep.
My pa took me aside and said "Pinkie, I know just what you need.
Just think of something pleasant, have a good book to read.
You just need a distraction, to think of happy things."
Then he handed me a stack of magazines,
And said those pretty ponies would help to guide my dreams.

Twilight's mouth fell open. "What?"

So if something scary appears,
Just think of something nice.
And all those silly phantoms
Will run away like mice!

Pinkie took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A smile spread across his face.

Twilight's mouth refused to respond to her orders. One of her eyes might have twitched. “You can't seriously—” A loud, glittery pop interrupted her sentence. A few wisps of pink smoke whirled around the tree in front of Pinkie, but otherwise it was completely normal.

Twilight buried her face in a hoof.

Pinkie's eyes popped open. His gaze settled on the now-normal tree, and his smile widened.

So~ conjure some cute coronets,
You'll feel better I bet.
Imagine a nice muzzle.
Necks you'd like to nuzzle.
Picture some pretty knees,
Or maybe pert primaries.

And if that imaginary monster doesn't take the hint then you can just put a special calendar on your wall so you'll always have something to look at and the very idea just makes me smile!

Twilight finally managed to unroot her face from her hoof. She twisted her neck to look at the other four. "Can you believe this?"

The others didn't answer; they all had their eyes closed. Dopey smiles stretched across their faces, save Fluttershy, who was instead biting his lip.

"Right, of course" Twilight muttered. Her voice was drowned out by the pops coming off every tree. Before long, every tree had returned to normal.

Pinkie giggled. “That was fun!”

“There’s no way that should have worked!” Twilight stood up and jabbed an accusatory hoof at Pinkie. “You…you didn’t even get the stresses right!”

“Calm down, Twilight.” Rarity pushed Twilight’s foreleg down. “While Pinkie’s methods were, uhm, unorthodox, at least they worked.”

“Uhm, not quite.” Applejack pointed at one of the trees, and sure enough, it still looked like the cover of a pulpy horror story.

“That’s weird. Ooh, maybe I should sing the song again!”

“Let’s not,” Twilight said.

“Oh, I bet I know what it is.” An evil grin spread across Rainbow’s face as he leaned towards Twilight. “I bet one of us wasn’t using her imagination.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course I was. I was imagining being someplace else.”

“No, he does got a point,” Applejack said. “Maybe we didn’t clear all the magic cuz you weren’t thinkin’ about the, err, same sorts of things we were.”

It suddenly dawned on Twilight what they meant. “Ew! Keep dreaming!”

“Oh, come now, darling.” Rarity gestured at the tree. “You wouldn’t want to leave volatile dark magic alone in the forest, would you? What if it made its way back to Ponyville?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie pulled out his whistle. “Need me to sing the song again, so you can concentrate?”

“No, I don’t.” Twilight turned to the solitary monster-tree and closed her eyes. Her chest rose slowly as she took a deep breath. Her horn sparked and a thin ray of light struck the tree. Splinters of wood scattered across the forest floor. A smoking stump was all that remained, though the smell of ozone and smoke lingered for a brief moment.

“There, can we go now?”

Rainbow smiled. “Oh, you like it rough, huh? Well, don’t worry about that. I can be as rough as you like, baby.”

“Yes, good idea. Why don’t you start by running into the nearest boulder?” Twilight turned around and continued into the forest.

The trees quickly began to thin out, either because they were no longer possessed or simply because the Everfree was hard to predict. Making their way through the forest was still not easy, but it was better than it had been.

Before long, they emerged from the tree line. A wide, violent river stood in their path.

“How big is this stupid place?” Rainbow muttered. “No wonder nopony comes in here.”

“Ooh, looks like the pegasi will have to fly us over again,” Pinkie said.

“No way I’m carrying Pudgy Pie over that. I might throw out my back or something.” Rainbow turned to Twilight. “I wouldn’t mind carrying slightly sexier cargo, though.”

“And I’ve still got the balloons if you don’t like long hugs,” Pinkie added.

“For the last time, nopony is carrying me!” Twilight looked up and down the river. It stretched off in either direction. “Rarity and I can just teleport across, and the pegasi can carry the rest. It’ll be tiring, but the river isn’t that wide.”

Rarity’s ear perked upward. “Do you hear that?”

Pinkie nodded. “It sounds like crying.”

Rainbow Dash started towards the sound. “We should go check that out. What if a hot pony needs help with something?”

“Why would a ‘hot pony’ be in the Everfree Forest?” Twilight muttered.

“Well, you’re here. You never know.”

It didn’t take much walking to find the source of the noise. A huge purple sea serpent was crying and thrashing about near the shore.

“What’s with him?” Applejack asked.

“Well, that’s a silly question! He’s sad.” Pinkie rummaged around in his mane for a bit. “Don’t worry, I’ve still got those balloons somewhere…”

Rarity held up a hoof. “Don’t worry everypony. I can handle this.” Rarity approached the sea serpent. “Are you alright, darling?”

“No!” the serpent sobbed. “The last thing I am is alright!”

“Well, what could possibly be the matter?” Rarity took a few steps forward. “A handsome creature like you shouldn’t have any problems worth crying over.”

“Oh, it’s just awful!” the serpent replied. “I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just whisked past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off! And now I look simply horrid.” The sea serpent buried his face in an arm and let out another set of loud, pitiful sobs.

“Really? When I first saw you, I thought you looked wonderful.”

“Oh, you’re just saying that!” Another sob.

“No, it’s true.” Rarity walked forward and brushed a hoof along the serpent’s belly. “You are clearly quite refined. Polished scales, an expertly crafted pompadour, the feathering on your tail spines…”

The serpent lifted up his head. “Well, you’re kind to notice, but it is all pointless without my moustache.” He absently stroked at the stub of hair. “My look is ruined without it.”

“Nonsense!” Rarity flipped his mane. It sashayed slightly before settling back into place. “Asymmetry is very in this season. That’s why I styled my mane this way. Why, when I walked up, I could have sworn your half-moustache was a deliberate style choice.” Rarity beckoned the serpent closer, and he lowered his face. “And might I just say, very chic.” Rarity held a hoof up to cover his mouth. “If I were 100 feet longer, I would even be getting hot and bothered.”

“Oh, my. You’re just saying that.” The serpent waved a claw dismissively.

“Nonsense! You should never be afraid to admit to yourself that you’re beautiful.” Rarity pulled a slip of paper out of his mane. “Here, take my card. If you ever need any clothing to complement your new look, the first one is on the house. I know how it feels to have your self-esteem disrupted.”

“Oh, thank you so much, kind sir.” The serpent took the card, and his tail stopped squirming as he read it. “If you ever need anything, just let me know!”

Rarity smiled. “Well, there is one thing. I’m sure it would be no trouble for a fine physical specimen, such as yourself.”

In no time at all, the serpent had ferried all six ponies across the river. They thanked him and continued on their way.

“Wow, Rarity!” Pinkie hopped over a rock. “You cheered him up, and you didn’t even use any balloons! How’d you do it?”

“Oh, it was nothing really,” Rarity said. He ducked to avoid some cobwebs. “My first model after my marefriend lef—ahem, after we broke up was the same way.” Rarity smiled. The average pony might’ve called it “nostalgic,” but a more astute observer would have said “predatory.” “So many individuals, pony or otherwise, just need a little emotional boost now and then. And if they want to repay such kindness, who am I to argue?”

Twilight shook her head. She was briefly concerned that statements like that weren’t as worrying as they should have been, but all the more reason to focus on the task at hoof.

Finally, they arrived at a huge ravine. The castle of the Royal Pony Sisters stood on the other side, clearly visible despite the thick fog.

“Oh come on! Was this forest colonized by pegasi or something?” Twilight buried her face in a hoof. “I swear, if I have to be pony-groped by a pervert to cross this thing…”

“Well, we could always teleport across.” Rarity leaned towards Twilight. “I’m sure a tandem teleport would trivialize all of that nasty fog. Of course, my combined spellcraft is a little rusty, so you’ll have to hold onto me very tightly.”

“Oh, don’t listen to him, baby.” Rainbow Dash smiled. “I promise I’ll be gentle. My coat is so soft you won’t even notice you’re being carried across. I’m almost like a cloud—a really muscular, sexy cloud. With great legs.”

“How modest of you,” Twilight muttered.

“Settle down, y’all.” Applejack pointed a hoof into the ravine. “Ain’t any need for all that fuss. The bridge snapped. Somepony just needs ta re-tie it.”

“For Celestia’s sake, AJ!” Rainbow groaned. “How many of my moves are you going to ruin today? That would have totally worked.”

Applejack chuckled. “Was ruined before I stepped in. Now are ya gonna fix the bridge or not? Won’t take ya that long.”

“Alright alright.” Rainbow floated over to the ravine and shot another smile at Twilight. “Don’t worry, Twi. Rainbow Dash is gonna make everything all better for ya.”

He leapt over the edge and quickly rose back up. Sure enough, there was a rope bridge dangling from his teeth.

The rope was frayed, but there was still enough left to re-tie the bridge. Rainbow circled the opposite post and landed, pulling the rope taut as he moved backward. The wood and hemp strained loudly, but quickly settled into place.

Rainbow moved to do the other side, but he paused. His coat bristled and his mane stiffened. Before he could put a hoof on it, he heard a voice behind him.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash.”

He spun around to find a trio of pegasi standing in front of him. One female and two males, all with a similar color scheme. Most of their features were covered by their uniforms, but the purples and blacks of their outfits matched the dark blue of their manes and tails. The tight spandex was reminiscent of a Wonderbolt outfit, but it had much less slack; there was a distinct strain around the joints and flanks of the three strangers.

“Who are you?”

The mare in the center smiled. Her mask strained loudly and visibly as it matched the movement. When it finally settled, there were quite a lot of her teeth showing. “We are the Shadowbolts, the greatest stunt team in all of the Everfree.” Her mouth shifted, and one of her teeth caught a glint of moonlight. For a second they looked a lot pointier than regular pony molars.

Rainbow scratched his head. “Sorry, never heard of ya.”

“Oh, we aren’t too well known…yet. But that could all change with the right captain to lead us.” She took a few steps forward. “Somepony told me you were the best flier in all of Equestria.” She leaned forward, her mouth stopping a little bit from Rainbow’s ear. “I’m sure we could use somepony like you, provided you weren’t too attached to your current social circle.” Her uniform squeaked as she withdrew her head. “So? What do you think?”

Rainbow Dash rubbed his chin for a moment. “I’d say you’re about a seven.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t get me wrong, you got a nice body, but that mane ain’t doing it for me. And your tailor must be half-blind.” He leaned in. “With some extra incentive, I’m sure I could join your team, though.” His eyes ran along her wings and across her tail. “I always did like the athletic types.”

“As if,” the pegasus scoffed. “Like some commoner is good enough for me.”

“Oh baby, I am anything but common!” Dash turned around, his tail swishing slightly as he showed off his flank. “I mean, look at that! My abs are even better.”

“I’m not going to sleep with you just to get you to join! I’m offering you a job as a captain! That should be plenty!”

Rainbow Dash let out a loud, fake yawn. “I get offers like that all the time, babe. You gotta sweeten the deal if you want someone as awesome as me.”

He turned around, but the pegasi had vanished.

His tail twitched. No matter where he looked, there was no sign of them. “Well, your loss!” he shouted. It barely echoed in the dense fog. “I’ve got dozens of teams competing for me! And I’ve got like, a hundred different chicks after me! I’m still getting love letters from the high school prom queen! So I don’t even need you and your lame team!”

The forest was silent.

Rainbow sighed and turned back to the bridge. A quick test showed the creaky planks would hold, so Rainbow fluttered back across the canyon. He landed in front of the others and waved a dramatic hoof at the bridge. “After you, milady.”

“Oh how polite of you,” Twilight muttered. “What took so long?”

“Oh, nothing important. These no-name stunt flyers begged me to join their team, but someone as awesome as me can’t settle for just anypony.” He leaned towards Twilight. “It’s really not fair. Nopony ever has to worry about settling for me.”

Twilight rolled her eyes as she stepped onto the bridge. “Yes, I’m sure all those restraining orders offer you such a wide selection.”

The others followed her. The ancient overpass creaked and teetered as their weight moved across it. One of the wooden planks sagged heavily as Pinkie stepped onto it, and another let out a violent crack when Applejack moved his hoof. The bridge swerved slightly as the group walked to the other side, but despite its vocal protests and irate gestures, it did not break.

Finally the ravine was behind them, and the ponies let out a collective sigh as they stepped off the rickety wood. Standing in front of them was a decrepit mass of stone: the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.

Author's Notes:

I think my favorite part of this chapter is Pinkie's song (poem?); was easy to write, is concise, and pairs character development with humor pretty smoothly. I hate using music in prose (visual medium versus aural medium), but hopefully it didn't turn out too bad.

Due to popular demand, the alternate gender versions of this chapter have (slightly) more variation than the first did.

Bonus trivia; All the characters have a theme song, because I got bored.

Rarity; "Dandy" by The Kinks
Applejack; "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Fluttershy; "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
Pinkie Pie; "I Got You (I Feel Good)" by James Brown
Rainbow Dash; "You Better You Bet" by the Who
Twilight Sparkle; "Still Counting" by Volbeat

(Official artist channels used where available)

Domestic Dispute

The castle looked suspiciously clean. No moss or cobwebs covered any part of it. Countless blank spots hinted at absent furniture.

“So, what exactly are we looking for?” Applejack asked. “What does an Element a’ Harmony look like?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight answered. “I saw an opening in the upper part of the castle. We could start there. Let’s just try and focus on finding the Elements instead of…other stuff.”

“Ooh, what kind of other stuff? Like cupcakes or cheesecakes or maybe—”

“You know what I mean,” Twilight snapped. “It’s bad enough I had to deal with a chimera and a rockslide at the same time as inept flirting. I’d rather not add a crazy alicorn to the list.”

“Hey, my flirting isn’t inept!” Rainbow Dash said.

“Well, it obviously is, compared to mine,” Rarity said.

“Hey, I’ve got all kinds of lines I didn’t use yet!” Rainbow Dash countered. “You haven’t seen my best stuff. Why, I’d--”

“Be quiet!” Twilight paused at the stairs. “I think I heard something.”

The castle was silent. Twilight and the others slowly moved up the stairs. During the entire walk, the only noise came from hoofsteps.

The central chamber was empty. The walls had worn down. More patches showed that furniture had gone missing, and remnants of wall hangings and scrolls littered the walls. The moonlight flooding through the missing ceiling made it look that much more desolate. The only decoration still standing was a circular pedestal in the center. A few stone orbs hung loosely to it.

“Finally! This must be it!” Twilight moved toward the pedestal.

Thunder cracked through the room. A blue flash came with it, just bright enough to give everypony pause.

When the light faded, Nightmare Moon stood in between Twilight and the pedestal. Her coat shimmered slightly in the moonlight, and her mane seemed to suck away light that hit it. The armor she had worn in the town hall was gone.

“You!”

Nightmare Moon smiled. Her teeth glinted in the moonlight, even brighter than her coat. “None other. I was wondering when you six would finally arrive. I expected Celestia’s knights to be more competent.” She waved a hoof at the pedestal behind her. “I assume you are here for the Elements of Harmony?”

“Yeah, hoof ‘em over!” Applejack said. “I don’t wanna hit a girl if I can avoid it, but I will.”

Nightmare Moon laughed. It sounded like cracking glass, and it managed to echo despite the missing roof. “Oh, by all means. Help yourselves.” The stone orbs glowed as Nightmare Moon grabbed them and flung them forward. Each one landed with a heavy thunk in front of the six ponies.

“Well, that was easy…” Twilight crouched down. The orb in front of her looked like an ordinary chunk of concrete. “What did you do? Booby-trap them?”

“Heh, boobies.”

Twilight looked up, intending to berate Pinkie Pie for his inappropriate and juvenile comment. She jerked backward. Nightmare Moon had moved next to her without making a sound.

“Quite the contrary, my little pony. I didn’t do anything to them. I didn’t need to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rainbow Dash flew up. “Spill it! I don’t wanna hit any hot girls, but I will!”

Nightmare Moon took a step forward. A chill passed through the room as her hoof hit the floor. Twilight took a step back.

“I meant just what I said. I was watching the six of you progress through the Everfree Forest, you know. Quite unimpressive.”

“We still made it here. And we’re still going to stop you,” Twilight said. It didn’t sound as confident as she had hoped.

“Oh, are you now?” Nightmare Moon’s eyes were so bright in the darkness of the room. Her smile widened, and moonlight glinted off her teeth. “The Elements are not misnamed, you know. You may have defeated my obstacles, but I did not see very much harmony during your ordeals.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean—”

Nightmare Moon took another step forward, and this time all six of the ponies retreated slightly. “Oh, but that’s exactly what it means, my dear!” Her gaze did not waver, her eyes and teeth followed Twilight, like an archer aiming at a target. “The six of you came all the way here, and you have no way to defeat me.”

“Well, we could still do it the old-fashioned way!” Applejack said. “It’s still six on one.”

“Yeah, and I even brought some frosting for it!” Pinkie Pie added.

Nightmare Moon smiled. “Oh no no, that won’t work at all.” Blue light flashed through the room as she teleported next to Applejack. “Six broken little mortals would never be able to stop me without the Elements. Why, your only real option is to offer yourself to me.” She leaned down, her nose inches from Applejack’s. “Beg for mercy and I may grant it.”

“I’ll show you ‘broken’!” Applejack turned around and kicked backward. There was no pressure of contact. He looked behind him, but there was nothing there.

The six ponies glanced around. Nightmare Moon had vanished.

“Oh, but you are,” Nightmare Moon whispered. Her voice cut through the silence of the room.

Her hoof hooked over Fluttershy’s shoulder. He let out a tiny squeak. As the rest of her body reformed, the mist of her hair wove across his body. “Why, just look at this one. So cowardly, so frail. And yet, so desperate for affection. You can’t even pick a paramour without using some silly excuse to alleviate your guilt.”

“That’s…that’s not—”

“Isn’t it?” Nightmare Moon leaned down. Her mouth brushed against Fluttershy’s ear. Her flanks pressed against his body. “You could always surrender, you know. Being my pet would be so much easier. No decisions to make, no burdens to carry, no worries ever again.”

“Hey, you leave him alone!” Rainbow Dash shouted. He reared back, prepared to charge, but the movement was interrupted by Nightmare Moon’s face pressing against his.

Mist billowed off her body. The room became colder. The other ponies recoiled, leaving a space around Nightmare Moon and Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, and what are you going to do?”

“I…”

“Nothing, that is what I thought.” Nightmare Moon rubbed a hoof along Rainbow’s chest. Everyone in the room saw him shudder. “Just a veneer of confidence around a broken pony. It’s like looking at a doll held together with tissue paper.”

Rainbow Dash gulped. “I don’t…”

“And what happens when that fragile coating breaks?” Nightmare Moon whispered. “Your little charade is all that’s holding you together at this point, isn’t it?”

Rainbow Dash didn’t answer.

“You could surrender as well, you know. I treat my toys very well. You wouldn’t need to keep up that silly attempt at confidence anymore.”

Nightmare Moon turned around. Her mane swatted Rainbow Dash to the ground. “Too easy.”

“Hey, don’t you talk to him like that!” Applejack said.

Nightmare Moon laughed. “Why ever not?” Her body dissipated again. The mist soaked into the floors and walls, leaving her voice to echo through the room.

Applejack turned and kicked again. “What, not gonna do another close up like the others? Maybe you’re scared?”

Nightmare Moon cackled. The sound filled the place, like smoke filling a burning building—slow and deliberate and claustrophobic.

“Applejack, maybe—” Twilight glanced around again “—maybe you shouldn’t taunt her.”

“I am inclined to agree,” Rarity added. His voice wavered slightly.

Rainbow Dash whispered something, but it was too quiet understand.

“She’s just tryin’ to catch us off-guard. She wouldn’t be all dodgy and misty if she wasn’t tryin’ to avoid us kicking her or somethin’.” Applejack’s ear flicked. He spun around and raised a leg, but there was nothing behind him.

He froze. The room was getting colder. He pulled his leg back and kicked.

“You missed.”

Applejack felt a hoof drape across his neck. He tried to turn his head, but Nightmare Moon’s head pressed against his own, holding him in place. A tongue ran across his cheek, leaving a trail of ice-cold saliva behind. He tried to move away, but Nightmare Moon tightened her grip.

“You taste like misguided bravado,” Nightmare Moon whispered. Even her breath was cold. It lingered on Applejack’s ear, soaked into his skin.

“You’re a lot like the blue one,” she continued. “With a bit of the yellow one. Using traditionalism as an excuse, masking your insecurities. Capable of being honest with everypony except yourself. I’m not sure I need another one of those, but you might be nice as part of a set. I like to have a complete collection of toys, after all.”

Nightmare Moon vanished. Applejack fell to the ground, his breaths heavy.

“Applejack, are you okay?” Rarity whispered.

“Hey, you can’t treat my friends like that!” Pinkie Pie poked a hoof at a patch of wall. “You’re just a big mean bully!”

Nightmare laughed again. It was louder than before. Thunderous, almost painful. “Oh, now that is quite rich. Do you always lie so badly, my little pony?”

“No, it’s definitely true! You’re a bully!” Pinkie Pie reared back. “Come out here and apologize right now!”

“Oh, but that is not what I was referring to.” Nightmare Moon still had not reformed. Her voice echoed slightly. “I meant them being your friends.”

“You’re the liar!”

“Don’t listen to her, Pinkie,” Rarity said. “She is just manipulating all of us. You have plenty of friends. Doesn’t he, Twilight?”

“Uh, sure,” Twilight said.

“Oh, I’m sure you have plenty of acquaintances.” Nightmare Moon pronounced it like a fatal disease. “Plenty of shallow relationships. That peppy mask of yours attracts them like flies to rotten food.”

“You’re rotten food!” Pinkie Pie’s voice cracked. His legs wobbled and he fell back onto all fours.

“And then eventually, they’ll grow tired of you and move onto the next one.”

“You’re lying!”

Nightmare Moon reformed, and her breath brushed against Pinkie Pie’s ear. “You could just surrender, you know. Just like all these acquaintances of yours did. Being my pet would be so much easier. I would never throw you away like they will.”

Rarity’s horn ignited. “Of course! I don’t know why I didn’t see it before! You’re using mental magic! Nopony should break that easily.”

Nightmare Moon chuckled. “And if I am?”

“A simple spell should break it. Hypnosis is very unreliable.”

“Oh? And what makes you think a little weakling like yourself can cast an appropriate counterspell?”

Rarity rolled his eyes. “Obviously you don’t know who you’re talking to.” Rarity’s spell activated, bathing the room in blue light.

“Ah yes, I’m sure you have quite a high opinion of yourself. Tearing down all those other silly ponies must give you some…misleading ideas about your competence.”

Rarity smirked. “Nice try, but you can save the personalized speech. My spell should start working any second now.”

“Oh, should it?” Nightmare Moon stepped over Pinkie Pie. Her horn ignited, and the temperature dropped even lower. “Then why aren’t any of my pets springing into action? Why is Twilight still standing there, trying and failing to do something?”

Rarity’s eyes flicked to the side. His horn glowed for a moment, then dimmed.

Nightmare Moon leaned down. “Why is your breathing getting shallower?”

“You…you can’t manipulate me…”

“Oh, I can do whatever I want with you. That’s what toys and pets and playthings are for. And you really are too pathetic to be anything else, aren’t you?”

Rarity’s mouth moved, but no words came out.

“Now sit down and be quiet.”

Rarity complied.

Nightmare Moon bit her lip. “Mmmm…It has been too long. I forgot how intoxicating that could be.” She turned to Twilight. “And I have still have one left.”

“That… You can’t…” Twilight couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Oh, but I can, and I did. And all it took was some ice magic and some light hypnosis. I really did expect better from Celestia’s saviors, but all she managed was you six.”

“I’ll think of something. This… You won’t get away with this.”

“Face it, you lost, my little pony. Surrender like your suitors did.” Nightmare Moon bit her lip again. “Mmm. I must admit, my sister has good taste. Whatever she was grooming you for, I’m certain my plans will be much more fun.”

“I’ll never surrender to you! Elements or not!”

“Perhaps it would be more tempting if I was slightly different?” A blue flash lit the room. When it subsided, Nightmare Moon was still standing in the same spot. Her—or rather, his—build was more muscular, his jaw more pronounced. Yet it was still clearly the same pony. “I can assure you I will be gentler than these peons were.” He waved a hoof at the ponies scattered about the floor.

“Your actions say otherwise. Why not just hypnotize me and get it over with?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, you’ll succumb eventually. All my little ponies will. But I thought you would enjoy it. After all, they did the same to you the entire way here. A little comeuppance should be a nice consolation for a lifetime as my slave.”

“They are nothing like you!”

Nightmare Moon laughed. Despite the gender spell, his laugh still sounded like broken glass, sharp and painful and yet light. “Yes, I suppose not. I’m clearly much better at it.”

“No, I mean, you’re only obsessed with control. You fought with Celestia for control, and you want to control ponies. You’re just a monster. They may not be tactful, or subtle, but that’s just because they were misguided. Or scared.”

“And how do you know any of that?” Nightmare Moon asked.

“Your little speeches.” Twilight glanced around the room. “They may have been cruel exaggerations, but I can see where you got them from. All that talk of charades and confidence, I can see it now.” She turned back to Nightmare Moon. “And you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Excuse me?”

“You targeted everypony’s flaw’s so carefully. So methodically. And the only reason for that could be…”

Nightmare Moon rolled his eyes. “Could be what?”

“Applejack was right. You’re scared of us!”

Nightmare Moon laughed. “Stop deceiving yourself, my little pony.” He waved a hoof at the fetal forms on the floor. “I have shown quite clearly that you cannot defeat me. And once you realize that, you’ll surrender just as they did.”

“But you said it yourself!” Twilight pointed a hoof at Nightmare Moon. “There is something that can beat you! The Elements of Harmony!”

Twilight turned to the stone orb still in front of her. She lifted it up with her magic, and turned it around for a moment. “Everypony here represents one of the virtues of the Elements, and you planned your speeches to attack each one.”

Twilight looked up. She could see Nightmare Moon trying to restrain his expression. She had to be right.

“Even if you were correct, I’m afraid my pets aren’t in any position to embody their Elements.” Nightmare Moon smirked. “Though your attempts to resist are certainly admirable. Resistance enriches the conquest.”

Twilight’s mind raced. The list of the Elements from that book had to mean something. She replayed Nightmare Moon’s speeches in her mind. “I guess…Fluttershy represents loyalty?” The orb in front of her started to vibrate. “Yeah, that’s why you called him desperate for affection.”

The orb glittered and vanished. A burst of light surrounded Fluttershy, and the orb floated in front of him. “What? What happened?” He got slowly to his feet. “My head kind of hurts…”

“Stop this foolishness.” Nightmare Moon pointed a hoof at Twilight. “You are only delaying the inevitable!”

“And Rainbow Dash! You called him broken, but you were just trying to cover up his, uhm, jocular demeanor! He’s really the element of laughter!” Another one of the orbs burst into light and reappeared next to Rainbow Dash. “And Applejack!” Twilight turned to him. “He shared that food with me, so he must represent generosity!” Another flash.

“Stop this at once!” Nightmare Moon shouted. “I shall not allow my pets to be so—”

“And Pinkie Pie. He may have a weird way of showing it, but he did throw me that party. He represents kindness.” Another flash.

“You are—”

“And that leaves Rarity. With his, uh, straightforwardness, must represent honesty!”

The fifth orb teleported, and Twilight glanced at the pedestal. Only one left.

“Enough!” Nightmare Moon flared his wings. A breeze swept through the room, the moon glowed brighter, and frost formed on some of the windows. “You still don’t know the sixth Element. I know it was lost. Admit your failure now, and I will make your training enjoyable.”

“No,” Twilight said. “I’ve figured it out. The last element has to be me. And how did you try and get me to break? By targeting everypony else!” She jabbed a hoof at Nightmare Moon. “The last element is obvious! It’s the one that binds all the others together, the one that got us here in the first place. The one you tried to keep me from seeing.”

“You…you can’t have figured it out that easily.” Nightmare Moon’s voice skipped a beat.

“That’s right!” Twilight said triumphantly. “The last element is tolerance!”

Nightmare Moon opened his mouth to say something, but the words went unsaid. The last orb flashed and reappeared in front of Twilight. The room lit up. The flash was so pure and white it nearly blinded everypony present.

The light faded, and the orbs vanished with it. In their place were necklaces, one on each pony, save Twilight, who had a tiara instead.

“All right, everypony! Concentrate on your element!”

“That’s not possible! The Elements do not work that way!” Nightmare Moon’s protests did not make it across the rush of noise as the Elements flared to life. Everypony circled him, and their Elements began to glow.

Beams of light crisscrossed between the ponies and their necklaces, each one a different color. They circled and bent and twisted across Nightmare Moon. The gender spell flaked off her body, bits of magic blowing and dripping onto the floor. More beams circled her, and an electric hum filled the room.

She shouted in protest, just as the torrent of energy engulfed her. Another flash lit the room. The ponies covered their eyes.

Then the light faded. In Nightmare Moon’s place sat a smaller alicorn. Her color scheme was different, bluer and softer.

“Uhm, did we win?” Applejack asked.

“Indeed you did, my little ponies.”

A golden burst of light filled the room, and Celestia stepped forward. “I knew you would be able to handle it, Twilight.”

“Princess Celestia! You’re all right!” Twilight rushed over to her mentor.

“Yes, when you banished Nightmare Moon with the Elements, the spells keeping me prisoner shattered.”

Rarity leaned towards Pinkie Pie. “I must say, Princess Celestia is much more attractive than Nightmare Moon.”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yea, way more regal, way less evil.”

“But Princess,” Twilight glanced at the alicorn sitting in the center of the room. “Who is this?”

“This, Twilight, is my sister, Luna.” Celestia knelt down. “Long ago, she was corrupted, and I could not save her. I tried to use the Elements, but they require a bond between their users. Using them alone is practically impossible.” Celestia reached out a hoof. “Are you okay, sister?”

Luna nodded. “I will be, eventually.”

“So that’s why you sent me to Ponyville? Instead of just, you know, telling me what was going on?”

“Yes. I am sorry, Twilight, but the Elements require a more natural bond.” Celestia smiled. “But I knew you were up to the task.”

“Well, I guess it all worked out,” Twilight said. “I managed to figure out that the last element was tolerance, anyway.”

Celestia’s smile flickered. “Tolerance? I’m afraid you are mistaken, my dear student. Tolerance is certainly an admirable virtue, but the central Element is Friendship.”

“Really? Cuz I definitely heard Twilight say ‘tolerance’ when she was yellin’ at Nightmare Moon,” Applejack said.

Celestia frowned. “Well, certainly the Elements are malleable, but that seems like a rather severe oversight.”

“Yeah yeah, this is all great,” Rainbow Dash said. “But we’re forgetting the important part.” He draped a hoof across Twilight’s shoulder. “The six of us have a magic laser bond now. So, uh…” He leaned in. “Maybe we should, you know, consummate it.”

“Ew, get off me!” Twilight swatted his hoof away. “Didn’t you learn anything from all of this? All of Nightmare Moon’s creepy speeches and everything?”

“Well, I did get this new idea for a pickup line,” Rainbow Dash said. “‘Baby, are you a demon? Cuz you’re hot.’” He leaned in again, his face nearly rubbing against Twilight’s. “Get it? Pretty clever right? Sure you don’t wanna do it?”

“Oh please.” Twilight pushed him away, then turned to the others. “What about the rest of you? Surely you learned something from this creepy ordeal?”

For a long moment, nopony answered.

Pinkie Pie poked his hoof into the air. “Ooh, I got one! Maybe, when you have a crazy goddess using magic on you, you should write stuff down, cuz it is really hard to remember what is going on afterwards! That’s kinda close, right? Do I get a prize?”

“Yes, and I learned that manipulating ponies is bad,” Rarity added. “Maybe we should compare notes on our emotional trauma at my home? I have some nice local wines. They really take the edge off.”

“And, uhm, I learned not to go into scary forests,” Fluttershy said softly.

“Even ones with hot ponies in them,” Applejack agreed.

“Oh for Celestia’s sake! You five are pathetic.” Twilight turned back to Celestia. “Can we leave now? I can’t wait to go to sleep in my own bed in Canterlot.”

“Need some company?” The five of them asked it almost simultaneously.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Wow, you five really are dense.”

Celestia frowned. “Wait. You mean that you would not like to move here, and explore your bond with these new friends? After all, the six of you used the Elements successfully. While everypony embodies all virtues, that bond must mean something.”

“No offense, Princess, but look at them. I’d rather not wake up with a sore hindquarters after somepony roofied my drink one day.”

“What’s a roofie?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It sounds like ice cream,” Pinkie said. “Who wouldn’t want ice cream in a drink?”

“Don’t be silly, obviously it must be a type of tiny umbrella,” Rarity scoffed. “Clearly Twilight is just concerned with the amount of class here compared to Canterlot.”

Twilight resisted the urge to bury her face in a hoof. “Anyway, let’s go. I can get my stuff later.”

Celestia opened her mouth, but visibly changed her mind. “Very well, my faithful student. If you’re sure.” Celestia helped Luna to her feet, and the three of them left.

The other five stood there.

“Wait, she left?” Rainbow Dash said. “I thought chicks liked confidence?”

“Yes, I thought so too.” Rarity rubbed his chin for a moment. “You’d think that she would have picked one of us. I mean, what other options does she have?”

The room fell silent. A few bits of ice dripped in the background. A few crickets and birds chirped outside.

“Maybe…maybe we came on too strong?” Fluttershy said softly.

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Wait, there’s such a thing as coming on too strong? Since when?”

Applejack scratched his head. “Maybe, she was just playin' hard to get? Ponies do that, right?”

“So it was her, not us?” Pinkie Pie rubbed his chin. Unlike Rarity, it was a full body motion. “I dunno, that doesn’t sound like the line usually goes.”

“Well, what else could it be?”

The five of them sat in silent contemplation for a while. The moon moved across the sky ever so slightly. The crickets and birds continued chirping. Finally, they headed back to town.

Celestia took a slow sip of her tea. Twilight had settled back into her room, and Luna was resting in the medical wing. Everything had worked out.

“Is something wrong, auntie?” Cadance asked.

“I don’t know,” Celestia said. “I suppose I should be happy that everything turned out alright.”

Cadance took a drink of her own tea. “Well, it certainly sounds like Twilight had her hooves full. But you don’t sound relieved.”

“I suppose I am just concerned about the Elements. Why didn’t Twilight want to stay in Ponyville and explore her new friendships? I can not understand it.”

Cadance laughed. “You know Twilight. She likes her routine.” She smiled. She tried to hide it with the lip of her teacup, but since Celestia was so much taller than her it did not cover anything. “Besides, the way she tells it, her ‘friends’ were a bit on the pervy side.”

Celestia frowned. “I admit they were a bit forward when I was there, but still… The Elements triggered! They must have had some bond, if the Elements worked correctly.”

Cadance shrugged. “Perhaps the Elements of Harmony are more lenient than you’re giving them credit for? I mean, you used them by yourself, that one time.”

Celestia glared at her niece. She had many types of glares, but she could never bring herself to use the stronger ones on Cadance. “Yes, and I shouldn’t need to reiterate how poorly that turned out.”

Cadance coughed into a hoof, then took another sip of her tea. They both sat in silence for a moment.

Cadance coughed again. “Well, if you’re that worried, we could always arrange some sort of meeting between the six of them. See if it was just Twilight being her usual self or not.”

Celestia took another slow sip. “I don’t know. Twilight was quite adamant about leaving. Wouldn’t that be a bit underhoofed?”

Cadance chuckled. “Auntie, when was the last time you had a suitor?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, uhm…” Cadance moved her hoof in a little circle. “Relationships these days have a lot of subtleties and back and forth. You can’t just admit you like someone.”

“That seems rather juvenile. If Twilight wanted them to leave her alone, shouldn’t we respect her wishes?”

Cadance giggled. It was a giggle she hadn’t used since high school. “Oh, auntie. Trust me on this. I am the princess of love, after all.” Cadance lowered her teacup and saucer, her eyes widened slightly. “I know! What about the wedding? We’re still planning out the staff. What if Twilight’s friends helped with the preparations? They did help arrange the Summer Sun Celebration, after all.”

Celestia took another sip of her tea. “I don’t know. I suppose I am curious about whether the Elements will still work or not.” She put down her cup and saucer. “You’re sure it isn’t underhoofed?”

Cadance waved a hoof. “Don’t be silly. This is how things are done. If it doesn’t work out, then the worst that can happen is Twilight gets a little annoyed.” She rubbed her chin, staffing lists and invites already rearranging themselves in her head. “And if it works out, Twilight will probably thank us some day.”

Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading, sorry for the stupidly long wait.

Users have accused this story of needing a Dark tag. I was never really sure about it, but they certainly have a case now.

Theme songs;
Nightmare Moon/Princess Luna; "I Want to Conquer the World"/"No Control" by Bad Religion

Official channels used where available.