It was a chilly day in Ponyville, a thin blanket of white snow covering the ground and buildings. The sun poked its head out from behind a layer of clouds, providing a soft warmth that just barely kept back the chill of winter. Ponies ventured forth from their homes; parents to finish their errands quickly in order to return to the warmth of their homes, foals to play out in the snow. The whole town was truly a wonderful sight to see.

The beauty of it was lost on me, however, as I was currently stuck in the library with a sea of wires running from various places on my body to a group of large machines. Twilight had gone all out for this particular ‘experiment’.

There was a sensor resting just inside of my nostril that was reading the amount of carbon dioxide I was breathing out with each breath, as well as the amount of oxygen I breathed in. A group of sensors placed around my lungs listened in on the organs as they worked.

A sensor placed over my heart recorded my heart rate, while a special sleeve that was strapped around my left arm recorded my blood pressure levels. A special glove on the hand of the same arm registered the amount of sweat I released, and somehow used that information to figure out my stress level (which was pretty high given what was happening; I really hate experiments). Twilight had even broken out her weird spaghetti strainer, with various lights and gizmos on it, and it was currently strapped to my head, beeping every now and then as it recorded my brain activity.

Twilight and Ebony flitted from machine to machine, checking and double checking that everything was working correctly, and hooked up properly, before the experiment took off. They muttered quietly together, each picking the other’s brain about what still needed to be done.

~Why are we doing this again?~ I asked, glancing at the odd contraption strapped to my left arm. It kinda reminded me of something off of a science fiction game.

“We need to get a read on your vitals,” Avera replied, not looking up. Instead, she eyed the two cards under her hoof. Sucking on the inside of her cheek, she tapped her chin with her other hoof as she contemplated what to do.

~But why are we doing this now?~

“Well,” Avera said, finally looking up at me. “We were going to do it later on in the week, but after you got your flank handed to you by that psychotic unicorn yesterday, we figured we should get it out of the way as soon as possible.”

~Why?~ I asked again, before flexing my fingers.

“For your benefit, as well as for our use,” yawned Primrose, the batpony that had shown up last night. She was the third guard that Luna and Celestia had provided, and a member of the Lunar Guard. She was an interesting pony; instead of the normal pegasi wings I was used to, her wings were leathery, similar to a bat’s.

The two mares were positioned around a small table beside me, and the three of us were currently playing Texas Hold’em while we waited for Twilight and Ebony to finish with the preparations. We didn’t have a dealer, but Avera just flipped the cards when needed.

I was surprised that these ponies knew the game, but I wasn’t unhappy with this revelation. It had been a long time since I had last played, and it felt good to be able to play something so familiar. Although, it didn’t help that I was hooked up to several machines, most of which could detect if I was lying just by looking at my vitals.

~Your use? What would you use this information for?~

“We’ve been trained in administering first aid to humans, AKA, you,” Avera said, tossing a few more bits onto the pile before jabbing a hoof at me. “In order to make sure we do our job properly, should anything ever happen, we need to have your vitals.”

~Couldn’t you have just gotten the information from a human in Canterlot before coming here?~

“No,” Avera replied, shaking her head. “That wouldn’t work, now would it?” Upon seeing my confused look, she sighed and rolled her eyes. “You aren’t a typical human, stupid,” she explained. “According to the princesses, you came from a different universe, which means that you might not be the same as the humans here in Equestria. With that in mind, they theorized that your vitals might be slightly different than the average Equestrian human, so that’s why we’re doing this. We need your exact vitals if we want to do our job right.”

~So, you’re my guards, as well as my medics?~ I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Affirmative,” the batpony said, closing her eyes and leaning back in the chair. I hummed thoughtfully at that. Taking one last glance at the machinery attached to my arm, I returned my attention back to my own pair of cards: a pair of Lunas. I chewed the inside of my cheek, thinking. Reaching into my small bit bag I had acquired on Nightmare Night, I pulled out three gold coins and tossed them onto the slowly growing pile in the center of the table.

Avera took another look at her cards, her ear twitching as she mulled over her next move. Sighing, she tossed her own bits onto the pile, scratching her chin with a hoof as she did so.

“How long have they been at it?” she asked, glancing over at the huddled Twilight and Ebony.

“For too long,” Primrose sighed, opening her eyes again and throwing bits onto the pile as well; it had grown quite large during this round. The batpony stifled another yawn as she looked at the clock. “By the moon, I’m not use to being up this late in the day,” she grumbled. Her eyes then flicked to the nearest window, which she eyed closely. I didn’t know why; all the window blinds were down and you couldn’t see outside.

“I was going to ask you about that,” Avera said, glancing over at the batpony. “Why are you up this late? As I understand it, most of the Night Guard are asleep by now.”

“Oh, trust me, I’d like to be,” Primrose grumbled. “But I wasn’t about to leave you two by yourself with those two eggheads. No telling what they might get up to. Plus, I kinda need to know this information as well.”

“Yeah,” Avera sighed before straightening up slightly. “Alright you two, let’s see what you got.”

“Two pair,” Primrose said, flipping her cards over. “Nines and Celestias.”

“Three of a kind, eights,” Avera said with a grin. Primrose crossed her forelegs and leaned back with a huff, an annoyed look on her face. Looking over at me, Avera waggled her eyebrows. “Can you beat that, tall stuff?” I kept my face blank as I flipped over my cards. Both mares leaned in to get a closer look. Avera groaned loudly and fell back into her chair. Primrose just smirked.

“Three Lunas. He’s got you beat, lieutenant.” Laughing softly, I leaned over and quickly slid the coins towards me.

Avera had just gathered all the cards back together and was shuffling them when Ebony Rose suddenly appeared beside me.

“I think we’re ready to get started,” she said, a large grin on her face. “Everything’s set up, the recording crystal is in place, and the machines are on!”

“Swell,” Avera said, not looking up as she dealt out the cards.”It’s about time. I was beginning to think that we were never gonna get started.” Primrose nodded in agreement as she took a look at her cards. Ebony just shook her head at the pair, rolling her green eyes before glancing down at a clipboard that was encased in her magic.

“We had to make sure everything was calibrated correctly. We don’t want to get the wrong information; that could cause problems in the future,” she said. Keeping her eyes on the clipboard, Ebony moved towards one of the machines. As she glanced over the display, Twilight trotted up to me.

“I know I convinced you to go through with this,” she began, shuffling her hooves nervously. “And I really do appreciate this, but if, for any reason, you start to feel any discomfort or pain during the checkup, just knock three times and we’ll stop immediately, okay?” I nodded, flashing her a quick smile which she returned before turning to look at Ebony, “Alright then, let’s get started.” Ebony nodded, then reached up and pressed one of the dozen of buttons on the face of the machine.

Instantly, a slightly tingling sensation flashed across my body as all the sensors sprang to life. The device around my arm began to glow softly with a blue light. The tingling sensation grew and my eyes widened as I saw the veins in my arms slowly beginning to glow as well.

“You doing okay there, tall stuff?” Avera asked as I held up my arm, eyeing the veins worriedly. I nodded dumbly, running my fingers carefully over the surface of my hand. Looking at Twilight, I held out my arm.

“That’s normal,” Twilight said, glancing at the arm. “At least, I think it is. It might feel weird, but there shouldn’t be any pain, so speak up if it gets too uncomfortable.” I nodded again, before slowly lowering my hand, placing it on the table. As Twilight and Ebony continued playing with the machines, Avera, Primrose, and I returned to our game.

As Avera dealt the cards out, Twilight and Ebony approached the table.

“Alright, while the sensors do their jobs, let’s go over what info we have gathered already,” Twilight said, fluffing her wings.

“His height is six feet exactly,” Ebony said, eyeing the clipboard as she spoke. Avera’s ear twitched, indicating that she heard her, but her gaze remained locked on her cards. “That’s slightly above average for a typical human, but not unheard of, though it is rare to see a human above five feet nine inches nowadays.”

“Applejack has a couple of six footers working on her farm,” Twilight piped up, picking up a mug of cider and taking a sip. “She breeds them specifically that way, because she uses them to reach the upper branches of certain trees.”

“Interesting,” Ebony said. “I wonder if they have an knee troubles?”

“I couldn’t tell you that,” Twilight said, setting her mug down. “You’d have to ask Applejack.” Ebony just nodded, flipping through the papers on the clipboard, eyeing the data.

“His weight is currently one hundred and eighty three pounds. Once again, above average when it comes to humans, but not unheard of. Might have to start watching what you’re feeding him, though, Twilight. Don’t want him getting too chunky.” I jerked my head up, growling as I shot Ebony an angry glare. Is she calling me fat?! Watch it, mare, or you’ll end up on my shit list.

“I believe he’s a healthy weight, thank you. I have no idea why you, or my friends for that matter, believe that he needs to lose weight,” Twilight grumbled, shooting Ebony a displeased look. “Most of it’s probably muscle mass anyways,” she added in a quieter tone, a small blush spreading across her face as her ears splayed backwards.

“Right, muscle mass,” Ebony said, snickering as she looked at Twilight. “Anyways, continuing on. Subject’s teeth appear to be sharper than Equestrian humans', with more pronounced canines and incisors. This may indicate that, whatever the subject’s species is, they typically have a more meat rich diet than Equestrian humans.” Avera’s eyes flicked up and she looked at me with mild curiosity.

“‘Subject’s species’? You do realize that he’s a human, right?” Primrose asked, not looking up from her cards.

“He may look human, but there are certain differences between him and the humans of Equestria, so what’s to say that he isn’t a different species, or at least a subspecies of human!” Ebony replied heatedly. I blinked, scratching my chin as I let the idea float around my head.

I never really thought about it like that before, but I guess that’s a possibility. Although, wouldn’t the humans in Equestria be the subspecies, seeing as I’m apparently more evolved than them? As I mused silently to myself, Ebony returned her attention back to the results.

“As I was saying, the teeth also appear to be in better condition than normal, as there are no signs of cavities or a large amount of plaque built up. The teeth also appear to be straighter than average as well.”

You can thank four years of braces for that, I thought, tossing more bits onto the pile as I returned to the conversation.

“Subject’s penis length, while flaccid, is around four inches. Was not able to get a measurement on it while it was erect, however.”

~Damn right, you didn’t~ I growled, my face glowing red. When they had told me that they needed to do some quick measurements, I had foolishly agreed without asking what all they were measuring. My pants had been around my knees and Ebony had been studying my member closely before I knew what was happening.

Needless to say, I hadn’t let any of them near me for several minutes afterwards. Every time one of them tried, I hit them with the handle of a broom.

“I don’t really see how studying his schlong will help us take care of him if he’s injured,” Avera snickered, flipping some coins onto the ante pile. I nodded my head in agreement, my face still red.

“I didn’t see you complaining when it was visible,” Ebony shot back. Avera just shrugged, eyeing her cards again.

“What? It was a rather impressive piece of meat.”

~Can we not talk about this, please?~ I groaned, before holding my head in my hands. This just caused that black pegasus to laugh.

“What, feeling a little insecure?” she snickered. “Don’t worry about it; you have nothing to worry about. You’re pretty big for a human.” I groaned again. Ebony and Avera laughed at my discomfort, while Primrose rolled her eyes. Twilight just blushed and looked away, her tail twitching slightly as she chewed on her bottom lip.

Thankfully, the machines took the exact moment to ding, and start spitting out results. Ebony glanced back at the printer, a surprised look on her face.

“That was faster than expected,” she said, glancing at the clock as Twilight moved to retrieve the data.

“Alright,” Twilight said, her cheeks still tinged slightly red, her ear twitching madly. “Let’s see what we got here.” Her eyes darted back and forth across the page, her face scrunching up slightly. “Huh, fascinating,” she muttered under her breath before she continued in a normal voice, “It appears that most of his vitals are completely different than those of an Equestrian human, to the point where they shouldn’t even be considered the same species, just as Ebony said.” Ebony shot Primrose a triumphant look, but the batpony just gave her an unamused glare, as well as flicking her wing at the unicorn in a weird gesture.

“Whatcha got?” Avera asked, ignoring the two other guards and glancing up at Twilight from her cards.

“Well, his heart rate is currently seventy two beats per minute,” Twilight replied.

“Wait,” Primrose interrupted, looking at Twilight with a worried expression on her face. “Doesn’t that seem rather low for a resting human? Are you sure you’re all right, Max?” she asked, directing the last part at me. I just nodded, eyeing the cards I had been dealt. A nine and a Celestia, can’t do crap with that. Sucking on my lip, I flip a single bit onto the pile, trying not to sigh.

“Could something be wrong with the machines?” Ebony asked, glancing over at Twilight. The alicorn just shook her head.

“The machines are fine, as are the sensors,” she huff. “What did I just say? Max’s readings are not the same as a normal human's.”

“Alright then,” Ebony muttered, marking off something on a slip of paper clasped in her magic. “No need to get all snippety.” A quick glance around told me that the other two had similar papers on hoof, and they were marking down the information as well. Chuckling, I returned my attention back to the card game, I go from being kept in a cage to having my own personal medics. Who would have thought.

“Blood pressure reads one hundred and seventeen over eighty-two,” Twilight continued, followed by a scratching sound as the mares wrote down the info.

“Weird,” Avera commented. “The average blood pressure for a resting human would be a systolic reading of one-twenty and a diastolic reading of seventy. Wonder why there’s a noticeable difference.”

“Probably something to do with his physiology,” Primrose guessed, tossing her cards into the middle of the table, a disgusted look on her face, before marking the information down on her own paper. “His ancestors probably grew up in a different environment than the humans of Equestria.”

“So it would actually appear that he can be classified as a different breed of human,” Ebony said, checking the info on her scrap of paper with the information in Twilight’s magic. “That would explain the variations with his vitals, as well as also explaining why he looks slightly different than other humans.”

“So we have Equestrian humans, and what… Earthian humans?” Avera asked, a smirk on her face. “According to your letters to the princess, that’s the name of his home planet, right? Earth?”

“Heh, Earth humans,” Primrose chuckled. “Kinda like Earth ponies.”

“I’m pretty sure that we could come up with a scientific name for what he is,” Ebony added.

~Can we try not to make me sound like a science experiment?~ I huffed, tossing my own cards into the middle of the table. A grin flashed across Avera’s face as she leaned forward and scooped up the pile of coins.

“Sorry,” Ebony said, shooting me a sheepish smile. “Just want to make sure we got all the information correct.”

~In that case, humans where I’m from already have a scientific name~

“What is it?” Ebony asked, cocking her head to the side. I just shook my head, waving a hand at her.

~I’ll tell you later. Hoof-language doesn’t have the right words~

“Just spell it out,” Primrose said, glaring at the snickering Avera.

~H-O-M-O S-A-P-I-E-N-S~ I signed.

“Homo sapiens?” Twilight asked, scrunching up her face. I nodded as she pronounced it correctly. “What does that mean?”

~Wise man~

“Well, we obviously can’t use that,” Avera said as she gathered the cards. “You aren’t all that wise to begin with. I think ‘Earthian Human’ sounds better.”

~That isn’t a word though~ I countered, glaring at the pegasus. ~The proper term would be Terran, or…~ I blinked, scrunching up my face for a second before reaching down and picking up a spare piece of paper and charcoal stick on the table. I quickly stretched out the word before flashing it towards the ponies so that they could see it, +Earthling+

“Wait, did you say ‘terran’?” Twilight ask, looking at me sharply. “Are you sure that’s the word you use for humans on your world?” I nodded, giving her a confused look.

~Yes, but the other one is more popular~ I signed, motioning at the paper I had written on. ~Why?~

“Terran is ancient Equestrian. Translated, it means ‘one with the earth’. A terran dragon is dragon that burrows underground. Even the diamond dogs are sometimes referred to as Canis Terran, due to their underground habitats.”

“Blah blah blah,” Avera interrupted, rolling her eyes at Twilight. “Long story short, we’re calling him a terran human now, okay? Don’t need the lesson in the scientific classification of certain species.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the scathing look Twilight gave Avera as she started to deal out the cards again, the smug smile still on the pegasus’ face. As she dealt, I scratched at the cuff on my arm; it was beginning to itch. A quick glance told me that my veins were still glowing a slightly blue.

~Is this gonna take much longer?~ I asked. ~This thing is starting to get rather annoying~

“We’ll try to finish this up quickly,” Twilight said, calming down from Avera’s comment. She patted my arm with a hoof. “Just hang in there.” Returning her attention to the data, she continued running through the results. “Respiratory rate is eighteen breaths per minute.”

“That’s a little high as well,” Ebony said offhandedly, marking down the numbers on her paper. Twilight’s ear twitched at the interruption and she took a deep breath before she continued speaking.

“Lung capacity is five point two--”

“Also high.” Avera said, not looking up from her own paper. Twilight gave the pegasus a sour look, gritting her teeth slightly.

“Lung volume has an inspiratory reserve volume of three point zero,” she continued, raising her voice slightly, clearly annoyed at being interrupted. She glared at Primrose, obviously daring the batpony to say something. When she didn’t, Twilight returned her gaze back to the paper in her magic.

She had just open her mouth to read off another piece of data when Primrose looked up.

“That sounds rather high as well,” she said, scratching her ear absentmindedly. Twilight threw back her head and groaned loudly. “Sorry,” Primrose said, giving Twilight a sheepish smile. “I couldn’t resist.” Shaking her head, Twilight just turned to look at me.

“Max, does all the information sound right so far?” she asked. I couldn’t really remember what is considered average for human back home, so I just shrugged and nodded, scooping some bits out of my bag and throwing them onto the table before looking expectantly at Avera.

“This is crock of shit,” she muttered, taking a swig out of her own mug of cider. Lowering the mug back to the table, she tossed her own bits into the pile. Primrose’s bits joined the pile soon afterwards, and Avera flipped a card over. Another Celestia. Looks like I’m gonna win me some more bits.

A sharp inhale from Twilight caused all of us playing cards to glance over at her. She was looking at the paper with a wide-eyed, stunned look. Swallowing, she blinked several times before she found her voice.

“Max, please tell me this is the correct body temperature for you, and you aren’t dying,” she said slowly, levitating the paper over to me. Grabbing it out of the air, I ran my finger down the info, searching for the numbers that indicated my temperature. It took me a second, but I found it. Ninety-eight point six. That sounds about right.

I glanced back up at Twilight, who was giving me a nervous look, and nodded, handing her back the paper. She breathed a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank Celestia.”

“What’s up?” Avera asked, glancing between me and Twilight with a confused look on her face.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Twilight said. “Just double checking to make sure that everything is fine.”

“So, what’s his body temperature at?” Primrose asked, tossing some bits onto the pile. This caused me to smirk slightly. Yes, put more bits for me to win onto the pile.

“Internal body temperature is ninety-eight point six marenheit,” Twilight read off. This caused all three of the guards to snap their heads up, shocked expressions on their faces.

“Y-you sure that’s correct?” Ebony asked me tentatively. I rolled my eyes and nodded my head. I think I’d know my own body temperature.

~Yes, it’s correct~ I replied. ~Why is everyone making a big deal out of it?~

“The average Equestrian human body’s temperature is eighty-six point three degrees,” Primrose explained, sipping at her mug. “If their temperature falls below eighty degrees, or above ninety-seven degrees, it can cause the internal organs to begin to shut down.

“But, if you say that ninety-eight point six is normal for you, then we’ll just have to take your word for it,” she said, shrugging as she finished. I scrunched up my face at that information.

~Wait a minute~ I signed, sitting up straighter. ~I’ve been to the hospital twice. How come the staff never said anything about this? If my body temperature is dangerously high for an Equestrian human, shouldn’t the doctor have done something about it?~ This question got me a sheepish look from all the mares.

“Well, you see,” Ebony began, rubbing the back of her head. “Most doctors don’t take the temperatures of the humans they treat; that is usually done by a veterinarian, and I’m assuming that you’ve never been to one during your time in Equestria.” She looked at Twilight to confirm.

“He has not been to a veterinarian,” Twilight confirmed. “On his first day in Ponyville I took him to one of my friends, who is good with animals, for a checkup. After he revealed that he was intelligent, I just didn’t think that was necessary.

“And, that would explain why, when he hugs, he feels so much warmer than other humans,” Twilight continued, blushing madly.

“A nice, warm human blanket, eh?” Avera snickered. “Anyways, it’s probably a good thing they didn’t check your temperature. They probably would have killed you trying to get it back down to what is considered normal. Consider yourself lucky.” With a flick of her hoof, she flipped over her cards, revealing two Lunas. Primrose grinned, flipping her own cards over and showing that she had three tens.

Throwing my arms up into the air, I threw my cards onto the table.

“Luna buck me with the moon,” Avera growled, slamming her head on the table. “How the buck did you get three Celestias?!”

~I consider myself lucky~ I shrugged my shoulders, a grin on my face as I gathered up my bits.

“Well, I’m done,” Primrose said as she stood up from the table. “I just lost all my bits to a human. I’ll never hear the end of this if the other Night Guards find out.” I just chuckled as I threw my hard-earned bits into my bitbag. Pulling the clasps closed, I threw the bag towards my saddlebags. The bits clinked together loudly as it landed beside the bags.

“I’m broke as well,” Avera grumbled. Standing, she slinked off to the basement, saying that she had stuff to take care of.

~Is this going to take much longer?~ I asked, turning to look at Ebony and Twilight. ~I’m getting rather hungry~ As if to confirm my statement, my stomach took that exact moment to growl loudly. This got a chuckle out of Ebony.

“We’re just about done,” she said, levitating a medical bag over to Primrose. “We just need to get some of your blood, and we’ll be all set.”

“What do you need his blood for?” Twilight asked, eyeing the bag in Primrose’s hooves.

“In case we need to do a blood transfusion,” Primrose replied, rooting around in the bag with a hoof. “The best place to get extra blood is usually from the original source. We’ll take some now, and some later, so that we have a decent stock.” The batpony’s eyes lit up and she withdrew her hoof, pulling out three empty blood packets, as well as a needle and hose. I flinched slightly as I saw the long, thin metal object. I hate needles.

Getting everything situated, Primrose turned to look at me.

“Alright, big boy,” she said softly, using the same tone of voice a nurse would. “Hold out your arm.” I held out my right arm and she took it gingerly in her hooves. Rolling up the sleeve of my shirt, she glanced over my arm.

“Oh, you have some very lovely veins,” she murmured, her eyes flashing as she stared down at my arm with an almost predatory look on her face. She ran a hoof slowly over the vein, almost longingly. I shivered slightly at her touch.

“Alright,” she breathed, turning her gaze away from my arm. “This will only take a second.” I flinched slightly as she rubbed an alcohol swab across my arm. Once she was finished, she lifted the needle up in her hoof.

“Take a deep breath,” she instructed, moving the needle till it hovered over the vein. I did as she asked, closing my eyes and turning my head away as I did so. “You’re going to feel a slight pinch in three… two… one.” I felt a prick as the needle entered. “There you go,” Primrose cooed. “Just relax, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

"How much blood are you taking?" Twilight asked, eyeing the bag nervously.

"Each bag only holds half a pint," Primrose said, not taking her eyes off of what she was doing. "We're taking about a pint and a half right now."

For the next forty five minutes, I sat there, a needle stuck in my arm as my blood slowly filled the bags. Ebony wandered down into the basement with Avera, while Primrose and Twilight tried to involve me in a conversation, but stopped when they realized I couldn’t sign with one arm incapacitated. After that, Twilight just gave me a book, before wandering off to write a letter to Celestia about her findings. So, for the duration of the procedure, I just sat there, reading one of the Daring Do books that Dash seemed to love so much.

Even though I hate needles, and never really felt comfortable giving blood back home, everything went better than I expected. The only disconcerting thing was the fact that every time I glanced over Primrose, she was eyeing my blood with a strange expression on her face. She would look away, blushing, whenever I caught her at it.

“Sorry,” she said after the third instance. “It’s just so… pretty, you know? Watching the blood flow. It’s almost poetic. Sorry if this is creepy.” Her ears splayed back as she blushed.

While I knew that she wouldn’t do anything to me (Luna and Celestia wouldn’t send a guard that would attack me, right?), it still made me uncomfortable. I only relaxed when Ebony came back up from the basement to see what was going on.

Eventually, Primrose was able to fill all three bags with my blood. Pulling the needle out of my vein carefully, she wrapped and bandaged the arm.

“I’ll go get these on ice,” Primrose said, picking the blood packets up and placing them into the medical bag. “You can hit them with the preserving spell later,” she said to Ebony before she turned and descended into the basement.

“Alright, let’s get this off you,” Ebony said, her horn lighting up as she began to remove the cuff around my left arm. The minute my limb was released, my veins stopped glowing blue. Once I was free, I pushed myself up, out of the chair. I felt slightly light headed, but it passed soon enough. Stretching, I groaned happily as my back cracked.

As I worked the circulation back into my stiff limbs, Twilight walked back into the room, a scroll held in her magic.

“Ebony, I’ve just about finished my report to Princess Celestia. Is there anything you need to add?” As the two mares chatted, I slipped into the kitchen to get my poor stomach something to eat. Don’t worry little guy; I know exactly what we need!

Rummaging through the cabinets and pantry, I discovered that Twilight had just enough ingredients to make a plate of nachos. With a large smile on my face, I got to work. Pouring out a bag of tortilla chips onto a plate, I pulled some cheese out of the fridge.

Only uses it to cook with, I laughed to myself as I sliced the cheese, covering the chips in it. Popping some cheese into my mouth, I warmed up the oven to a moderate temperature before sliding the plate inside. After several minutes, I checked to see if the cheese was melting.

Once I was satisfied with how it looked, I carefully pulled the now warm plate out of the oven and placed it back onto the counter. Cutting up lettuce, onions, and tomatoes, I sprinkled them over the nachos, causing them to sink into the melted cheese.

Picking up an avocado, I cut it open and began scooping out the inner flesh. After a few minutes, I had some homemade guacamole, which I proceed to smear onto the nachos. A dab of sour cream, and my master piece was finished, steam wafting off of the heavenly dish. My mouth was watering just looking at it.

I walked back into the main room, munching happily on my nachos. As I entered, Twilight glanced up at me, a smile touching her face when she saw me.

“Hey there, I see you’ve gotten something to eat,” she said, motioning to the plate in my hands. Nodding, I placed the plate down on a nearby table as I replied.

~Yes, and I’m going to take them upstairs to eat before taking a nap, okay?~

“Sounds fine to me,” Twilight said, nodding her head. “We don’t have anything else planned for today.” Picking up my plate again, I proceeded to head towards the stairs, fully intent on enjoying my cheesy treat.

“Wait!” I stopped, my foot on the bottom step. Glancing back, I looked at Ebony, who had cried out. I blinked in confusion when I saw she was looking up at me in horror.

“Is… is that guacamole?” she asked, pointing a trembling hoof at the plate in my hands. I glanced down at the plate before nodding. “But, that’s made out of avocado!” I raised an eyebrow, giving her a confused look. With one hand, I motioned for her to continue.

“Avocados are extremely poisonous to humans. They have an enzyme, persin, in them that, if consumed by a human, will kill them!” Behind her, Twilight blinked several times before facehoofing, groaning slightly as she did so. I just gave Ebony a deadpanned look. First, it was that humans couldn’t smile, then it was humans couldn’t swim. Now they are trying to tell me that eating an avocado will kill me? When will these ponies learn that I know what is, and what isn’t, going to kill me?

Slowly reaching down, I grabbed a chip that was covered in a fair amount of guacamole. Keeping the same blank expression, I raised the chip to my lips. Shoving the whole thing into my mouth, I chewed the chip slowly, keeping my eyes locked with Ebony. As I swallowed, she fell back onto her flank, her mouth hanging open.

“I… I don’t believe it,” she breathed, shaking her head slowly. “That’s… that’s not possible. Persin...” Picking up another chip and popping it into my mouth, I turned and made my way up the stairs, flicking Ebony the bird in the process. Bitch tryin’ to tell me what I can and can’t eat? I don’t think so!

The Archmage stared out his office window, humming softly to himself as he watched as the snow slowly began to cover Canterlot Castle. Sitting at his desk, he reclined back in his chair, watching the white flakes of frozen water dance haphazardly through the air. Poetically chaotic as they drifted on the breeze; it was almost hypnotic. Behind him, a fire crackled merrily away, warming the room against the bitter, winter chill.

Tearing his gaze from the window, he glanced down at the large desk in front of him. There were piles of paperwork scattered across the oaken surface that need to be read and replied to, but at the moment he couldn’t muster the motivation necessary to do so. It had already been a long day, and with Luna’s night fast approaching, he wanted nothing more than to be finished with all this boring paperwork.

Rubbing his eyes with a hoof, he fought back a yawn. He was just contemplating standing up and stretching his stiff, weary limbs when there came a light tapping at his door, as if somepony gently rapping.

“Come in,” he called, glancing at the clock with a frown. Who could it possibly be at this time of day? I thought everypony went home already. He returned his gaze to the door as it swung silently open on oiled hinges. A small smile touch his face and he perked up as a light-gray unicorn mare with white hair poked her head in, glancing around the room. As her eyes landed on the Archmage, her ears perked up and a small smile spread across her muzzle.

“Monochrome, I didn’t know you were still here. I thought everybody had gone home for the day. Come in, come in,” he said, waving a hoof at the mare and motioning for her to enter. “What can I do for you, my dear?”

“I’m sorry for intruding,” she said, giving the Archmage a sheepish smile as she trotted forward. “I hope I haven’t interrupted anything.”

“Of course not,” he chuckled. “One of the benefits of being the Archmage is you can set your own hours. I was actually just wrapping up for the day when you came calling.”

“Well then, I won’t keep you long,” she said, smiling softly. “I just stopped by to drop off a couple of reports. Nothing major,” she added as the Archmage pursed his lips in annoyance. “None of them are urgent, so you can take care of them tomorrow if you wish.”

“Very well, let’s see these reports then,” he sighed, giving the mare a weary smile. With a nod of her head, Monochrome turned and levitated some folders out of her saddlebag, her horn glowing softly.

“These are the reports from the labs, concerning the recent experiments done with the humans,” she said, laying one of the folders down on the desk. “They contain the weekly updates, as well as the personal notes of the scientists. Nothing major to report, although Dr. Song believes she might be on to something big.”

The Archmage cracked the folder open, flipping through the papers with a curious gaze.

“Something big? Did she elaborate on that at all in her report?” he asked, glancing up at Monochrome.

The mare just scrunched up her face.

“Unfortunately, no,” she replied, shaking her head. “She’s rather mute on that point. Just like everything else she does, she’s playing this one rather close to the chest. I tried to get some information out of her, but she just smiled and winked at me, before saying ‘spoilers’. I swear, sometimes she acts like a foal.”

“Might be worth keeping an eye on,” the Archmage muttered, closing the folder and slipping it into one of the drawers of his desk. “What else do you have?”

“The reports from the dig site,” Monochrome said, slipping the stallion another file. “They say that they’re making good progress with the mining, and are actually ahead of schedule. Apparently the humans are working faster than anticipated, and the battlemages believe that we should be at the mysterious magical object some time in the spring. Still no clue on what it is, but it appears that the magical output from the artifact has plateaued for the time being.”

“Very good,” he nodded, taking a quick peek in the folder before placing it on the first.

“And the last folder,” Monochrome said, laying it in front of him, “is something from the guards. Apparently they were under the impression that they needed to inform you that the unicorn known as Darkflare, as well as his captured gang members, have all been successfully transported to the holding cells in Canterlot.

“If I may ask, sir,” she continued as the Archmage opened the folder and pulled out Darkflare’s file. “Why is the Academy taking an interest in criminals?”

The Archmage didn’t say anything at first, instead choosing to flip through the papers of the other ponies listed. His brow crinkled slightly when he came across the files for one Golden Ingot, his eyes narrowing. What’s an earth pony doing with a group of unicorns? Tapping his chin with a hoof, the elderly stallion leaned his head back as he ran an eye down Mr. Ingot’s file. He might be of some use, actually.

“Sir?” the Archmage blinked, glancing over at Monochrome who was giving him a worried look.

“Sorry,” he chuckled, closing the folder. “I was lost in thought there for a second.” Leaning back in his chair, he scratched his ear with a hoof as he eyed the mare. “To answer your question, while it is true that the Academy doesn’t usually involve itself when it comes to Equestria’s judicial system, this is a special case. Due to the interest from both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, both of whom have asked me to look into the matter personally, we are making an exception for this particular case.”

“Anything to be concerned about?” Monochrome asked, her ears splaying back.

“No, my dear,” the Archmage said, smiling as he shook his head. “Nothing for you to worry about. Now, is there anything else you need from me, or can I assume that this was all?”

“Sorry, no more presents for you,” Monochrome said with a laugh. “Why, do you have a date with a very special somepony?” She smirked at him, waggling her eyebrows.

“If only,” the Archmage chuckled. “I’m a bit too old for that sort of thing. No, I have an appointment with Princess Luna before I can go home. The poor dear has been getting rather stressed lately, what with her being in charge of the Gala this year. I remember her sister saying something about the Lunar Princess being rather fond of games, so I thought I might pop in to see if I couldn’t help her relieve some stress,” he said, waving a hoof towards a large, marble chessboard in the corner of the room, the black and white glass pieces already in place on the board. It seemed to glow softly in the firelight.

“Well then, I won’t keep you waiting,” Monochrome said, nodding her head. “That, and my coltfriend is waiting for me back home, and I want to beat the snowstorm the weather team has planned for tonight.”

“Of course,” the Archmage said, turning his chair and glancing back out the window. “Do be careful, you hear? It looks rather slippery out there already, I would hate for you to slip and break an ankle.”

“Yes, sir,” she said as she walked to the door.

“Oh, and Monochrome,” he said, not taking his eyes off of the falling snow. “You might want to pack an umbrella.”

“An umbrella, sir?” she scoffed, and the Archmage could see her look back at him and roll her eyes in the reflection of the window. “It’s winter; I highly doubt that I will need an umbrella!” Laughing, she proceed to open the door and exit the room.

“True,” the Archmage said softly as she closed the door behind her with a soft 'click'. He smirked at his reflection, a gray unicorn stallion smiling back at him. The mane was dark gray, streaks of white running through it; the same white that colored the hair of his goatee.

As he watched his reflection, its blue eyes flashed red for a brief second.

“But you never know when we might be due for a big old storm of chaos.”