Nurse Redheart knelt down to check Eleanor's pulse. After a moment, she got up. While she showed a little concern, it was clear she didn't think Eleanor was in immediate danger. "I'm getting the doctor, don't move her." She said as she galloped out of the room.

Alex gave Eleanor's crumpled form a concerned look. "It sounds like she wasn't exaggerating when she said she started a war," he said after a moment.

Trace nodded gravely, "Indeed. I think we need to ask her some questions when she wakes."

"I dunno, she looked pretty surprised by that doozy," Pinkie added.

Blitzen snorted, "That thing was lying. There's no way Eleanor did something like that!" she said, stomping a hoof to emphasize her point.

I was expecting darkness. What I got was an almost unbearable light. After a moment, the light receded, and I could see my surroundings. It looked like what I’d come to refer to as Generic Post-Apocalypse. I was in the middle of a ruined city, the buildings looking like some giant toddler had kicked them over. Here and there, greenery had overtaken concrete and steel. The asphalt street I stood on was cracked as though split in half on the lane marker. Piles of ash and rubble were everywhere. I could see bits of bleached bone in the wreckage.

I tried to feel for my perception charms and realized I couldn't sense them. I was human again—wonderful timing, as usual. At least my missing arm was whole here. And I had some clothing, a hoodie and jeans.

"You aren't human now, and you never will be again." A familiar and ominous voice spoke from behind me.

I turned, dreading what form that forbidding voice might have in a place like this. I beheld a double of myself, dressed in black with hair dyed to match and eyes like windows to an endless darkness.

I couldn't help but sigh, "Oh fuuuuck this clichéd bullshit."

"So above it all, aren't we?" My double asked, her voice dripping with malice.

"For crying out loud, can't we come up with something more original than you being a monochromatic, angsty version of me?" I demanded.

"Like hijacking an orbital kinetic weapon to annihilate a city full of people, original?" She said as she started to turn and walk around me, forcing me to turn in place to keep her in view. She gestured at the ruins around us. “Behold the marvelous and wondrous city of Gem, the fabulous jewel of the South. Gotta love what you’ve done to the place, So peaceful and quiet now.” She said, lips curling into a sneer.

-A mind in conflict-

"What in the darkest hell are you talking about?" I snarled at her.

"I'm talking about you murdering a city full of people because you thought you had no better choice! And then torturing yourself with guilt to the point where you spent more time blind drunk than sober. What the hell kind of thinking was that? Do what you have to do to survive and then kill yourself anyway?" She yelled back at me.

I was stunned. Was this true? "I didn't…"

"You did. You managed to screw yourself up to the point that Luna had to use her powers to make you little more than an animal to keep you from trying to cut yourself again."

"I… I was attacked," I recalled once waking up with wounds all over my face.

My doppelganger gave me a haughty smirk. "You gave up. That's why I'm here.” She jerked her thumb to her chest, “I'm the part of you that survives. And I still remember the lessons we learned from Vansilleth.” She tapped her left temple, ”I held on to our memories while you let our supposed allies take them from you!"

There was a flash of light, and I was back in the world I'd just left, in the chamber of the Incarna, Luna. Autochthon was there too. I knew whenever this memory had been, I couldn't have been in any condition to remember much. Not under two divine auras. But maybe my mind still recorded the memory even if I couldn't access it normally…

The hunter deity of the Moon was pacing like a tigress waiting for her prey to present an opportunity, her current form an androgynous Patrick Nagel illustration come to life, with hair and lips like liquid silver. Meanwhile, the Artificer God seemed more relaxed as he leaned against the wall.

"I cannot keep Eleanor's higher intellect submerged much longer without risking permanent harm to her mind. As well, her unique knowledge is nearly inaccessible while she's in this state." Luna explained to Autochthon.

"I agree. We need a more permanent solution to keep her from attempting to harm herself. I think we need to accept the risks of reshaping her memories and personality to a more suitable state. Dr. Bell has the required charms, and Eleanor trusts her. If her knowledge is lost in the process, we're no worse off than we are now. I will direct Evelyn to see to it." Autocthon's voice faded as the memory shifted back to the ruins.

"So that's what happened," I realized.

The black-haired me angrily shouted, spittle speckling her black lipstick, "And you let it! You're unfit to run our body. It's time to step aside and let me keep us safe." She vanished in a silent implosion of darkness.

I sighed and waited for her to come back. Instead, it was Princess Luna who appeared, stepping out of the shadow of a ruined office building.

Princess Luna was amused, "Miss Asher you seem to have gotten yourself stuck in a dreamscape. We must say you are the first of those to come to this world that We've had to help out of such difficulty." Luna tilted her head, a mixture of amusement and concern,'' There is also a rather unpleasant version of you running around claiming she is going to be the 'real Eleanor'. And then this strange creature…" as Luna continued, what looked like an android seemed to fold out of thin air. Where her face should have been was an arrangement of white metal panels surrounding a single camera lens.

I examined the lens, and suddenly, I knew that she was, somehow, a representation of the newly changed parts of myself not fully integrated into my mind. I suspected this was due to being tossed between worlds when I was being remade into an Exalted. I reached up and touched her face. As my fingertips brushed the cold metal skin, she vanished into sparkling dust that moved of its own accord to settle onto my skin and melt into me.

I knew what I had to do next.

"Thank you, Princess. Gimme a sec to deal with something." I told Luna as I mentally grabbed the world around me and pulled on it. Hard. The scenery seemed to fill with static, and I found myself facing my dark double.

She sneered at me, "You really planning to fight for control here?" Her disbelief showed clearly on her face.

"This isn't DID, you're not an Alter. You're just a subroutine who was allocated too many resources, nothing more than an anomaly of my transformation. I'll be taking those memories back." I told my other self and held out my hand.

"You can't handle them. You couldn't before. It almost killed us!" My double said, empty eyes wide.

"Maybe, but you can't either. They're tearing you up inside, like they did me. Maybe I can't handle them, but we can." I smiled, keeping my hand out. Slowly, she put her hand in mine, and like the other fragment of my mind, she dissolved at my touch, but this time into a black goo that climbed over my hand and up my arm before melting into me.

My memories whirled around me. How I had come up with the plan to destroy the city of Gem while the Infernal rulers of the world were all gathered. How I'd originally written the meeting as a way for the players to get information, but from within the world of the game it presented the single best chance to decisively strike against the Demon Emperor's chosen. Taken by surprise and overwhelming force, they couldn't bring to bear their powers or use their resources to spread more harm.

I was sick to my stomach for days, contemplating the horror of my plan and its cost in blood. And yet, not acting would have changed little in that regard. The volcano under Gem would destroy the city after the Infernal gathering, killing the same millions. Given that reincarnation was a facet of the systems of Creation, I hoped that maybe if my other plans worked out, I could petition the Gods for favored reincarnations for the people of Gem.

Then, when I'd done the deed, the bottom dropped out of my shell of rationalization. This was a modernized version of Creation, and the media were just as quick to spread images of tragedy as they were on Earth. Imagine the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii in the age of the 24-hour news cycle. While the existence of the orbital weapons of An Teng was covered up, as was my hacking of said weapons, the results were everywhere I looked. Two and half million dead, while most had gone swiftly in the firestorm loosed when a twenty-kilo tungsten rod hit the volcano at a significant fraction of the speed of light, there were those just outside who lingered a little longer.

Seeing the dead and dying, knowing I was responsible, was more than I could bear. I kept on with my plans, contacted Dr. Evelyn Bell to help in freeing the imprisoned Incarna, and gave useful information to the followers of the Incarna. I helped free Luna and then Autochthon.

But the whole time I was doing those things, I was falling apart, drinking heavily and doing whatever drugs would chase away the ghosts that haunted me. At my lowest, I was even resorting to hurting myself more and more viciously as if there were some punishment I could inflict on myself that could assuage my guilt.

In the end, my allies resorted to extreme measures to keep me from being lost as a useful asset to their cause. First, Luna used her power to put me in an animalistic state where I wouldn't care about anything more than the very basics of survival. When that was no longer viable, Autochthon arranged for my trusted friend Evelyn to use her personality override spike charm. The person I trusted most in that world ripped out my memories and wrote 'safe' new ones. She also reinforced my loyalty to their cause and likely only refrained from completely rewriting me because Autocthon's plan to transform me wouldn't work if my mind were too altered.

Even as these memories forced their way back into me, I knew I'd bear them. I had to. Giving up was no longer an acceptable option for me.

After what seemed like forever dealing with the recovered memories, I came back to the section of the ruins where Princess Luna was waiting. She regarded me with a look of pity.

"Saw that, huh?" I asked her.

"We did. You are not the only one who has done something they regret, Miss Asher. Though the way is surely difficult, I hope you can eventually forgive yourself." Luna said softly.

"Maybe. Or I can kick reason to the curb and find some way to fix what I did. I'm not a helpless mortal anymore, after all." I looked around the fallen cityscape. "Um, how do I wake up?"

"Now that you aren't holding yourself here, just wipe away this dreary wreckage and wake up." The lunar diarch explained.

"Got it. Time to wake up and face the music." I told the Princess and wiped away the dreamscape.

I opened my eyes to the sight of brass, the business end of a horn almost touching my face. Raucous music pushed me back with sheer sonic force. I saw Pinkie in the one pony band setup I recalled from an episode of the show and wondered how long I'd been out. Couldn't have been too long as everybody else in the room looked the same as they had before I passed out. I had to have been out for a little time, since Doctor Emerald was standing next to me. Also, the party banner now read, "Happy getting your deleted memories back!"

"How the? No. I'm just gonna file that under 'not gonna think about it'." I said as I stood up.

"So…" I started, looking to the floor as though I expected my feet to provide some inspiration as to how to explain what everyone had heard. "What Autocthon said… was true. I just didn't know because my memory had been altered before I was changed. Evidently, I'm a bigger mess than I thought, and that was kinda what broke me, back in their world. I'll spare you any excuses for what I did, and I completely understand if you want me to leave town."

I looked at the ponies first. 'Spect, of course, seemed unsurprised by the news. Given her history, she'd probably seen greater atrocities than what I'd done. Assuming she hadn't actively participated in said atrocities.

Oddly, Pinkie Pie also seemed unsurprised. Or maybe not so oddly, given she seemed to have unexpected knowledge at times.

I think she’s smarter than on the show. Strike that, I know she is.

Blitzen was clearly shocked and seemed to be dealing with some internal struggle. After a moment, she resolved it and gave me an oddly determined look that promised we'd have a further discussion later.

Nurse Redheart had looked horrified but quickly covered it with a coolly professional demeanor.

Doctor Emerald just seemed concerned about how this was affecting me. Which made sense given I was his patient.

I looked up to get a read on how Alex and Trace were handling the revelation that I was a mass murderer. One on a scale usually reserved for rulers of nations.

Alex looked sad. Not angry or even upset in the way I would have expected him to be. Did he pity me? That would be worse.

Trace looked calm as if he had taken in the information, cataloged it, and left it for later. His expression was aggressively neutral.

Finally, in the shocked silence, Alex stepped towards me. I let him put his arms around my shoulders. “We’re here for you, Eleanor. All of us.”

"Yeah, me too, whatever it is. I just got here," came the voice of Rainbow Dash as she flew and hugged me.

"You're late, Dashie!" Pinkie sang before joining the hug.

Blitzen and 'Spect found spots at my sides and joined in as well.

My only regret at that moment was not having arms long enough to hug that many ponies at once, especially given my missing left forearm. I did try, though.

"I think I need some time to myself, to think. I've just gotten these memories back, and as disturbing as they were to hear about, they're far worse to actually have experienced. I need to process some of it. Plus I kinda wanna find out what happened to my missing arm. Somebody, please tell me I don't have to dig it out of catoplewhatsit poop." I groaned at the thought. The idea was especially worrisome given that my more mechanical bits seemed to be designed with all kinds of openings and other detailing that just looked like a real chore to clean out. I had no clue what would happen if I shifted to human form with something inside me, but I didn't want to find out.

"I don't know what became of your arm, but the cottage I found should be a good place for you to take a break and process everything." Blitzen offered.

"Arm first, don't want someone thinking it's some kind of weapon. If word of today gets out, and it surely will, my arm will probably get smuggled out of town or locked away. I don't mind losing my stuff, but I gotta draw the line at body parts." I pointed out, waving what remained of my left arm for emphasis.

"Don't worry about that. Twi had us out looking for your arm after you beat that Catoblethingie. I was coming here to tell you somepony should be here with your arm any minute now." Rainbow Dash announced.

A pinto mare, short even by pony standards, entered the room and walked up to me. I was a little disappointed to see that she didn't have my arm.

Thanks to my omnidirectional vision charm. I saw Alex mumble something and between lipreading and what little my hearing picked up I could make out: “What is Paper Shuffler doing here? Shouldn’t she be at the Mayor’s office?”

Without a word, and maybe a bit of a glare, Paper Shuffler hoofed me a scroll, then turned around and departed. The scroll was covered in fancy seals. I read it and absentmindedly spoke the worst part of the scroll out loud, “Not welcome in Ponyville.”

"You'd think I'd stop being surprised by now," I sighed and put on my best-lopsided grin. "I'll have you know, I've been thrown out of far larger towns than this. And where's the 'or else' clause? I mean, what happens if I don't haul my no-good carcass over the town border by sundown?"

A haughty voice spoke up, “Or else, the Royal Guard will be called to evict you."

"I see. Much as part of me wants to say 'bring em on', that's just the part that likes to do things like fight monsters with nothing but bare knuckles and attitude. Not exactly useful in circumstances like this. I'll comply with a lawful order. Probably better for all if I'm not around ponies anyway," I tried not to sniffle as I held back tears.

Alex turned towards the new guy, and whispered sharply, “‘Not Welcome In Ponyville’? What the hell kind of game are you playing, Coins? Don’t you think she’s already been through the wringer?”

Coins gazed haughtily at Alex, “My ‘game’ is with you, not her. I am in her debt, and I shall endeavour to reverse this travesty. Nevertheless, I am only one vote in five. However, there is good news. It was only three in favour of removing Miss Asher from our fair town. I believe Berry Punch could be convinced to change her vote. Give me time.”

Alex spoke loudly enough I could hear him clearly, even without the charm. “She doesn’t have time! We need to fix this now!” He snapped his fingers and pointed at Coins, “Let me talk to the council. Maybe I can convince them to—”

Golden Coins stretched his neck up as close as he could to Alex’s face, “No. Your status as a Paladin has insulated you from the political dynamics involved. This is my area of strength. Let your stupid monkey ego drop this. Please.”

Alex seemed to consider what Coins was saying. “Alright. This is your show. How can I help?.”

Coins gave Alex a superior smirk, “You can help by getting out of my way. Do not be involved, I believe it would only make it worse.”

Blitzen was lost in thought, and then her ears perked up. "The cottage I found is pretty far away from town, almost at Froggy Bottom Bog. Does it still count as part of Ponyville?"

Coins’ smile grew, “Oh my. That is just out of our jurisdiction—such a shame. I suppose the ordinance is completely invalid. It will be my sad duty to inform the other councilors.” He turned to Alex, “Happy to resolve your problem, Paladin.”

"There is the matter of my not being able to come into town. Would you be able to have Berry Punch visit me at the cottage? Maybe if she sees I'm not a rabid monster, she might reconsider her vote." I asked Coins.

The pony became serious, “Yes. Quite astute. Berry Punch is a reasonable mare. Once she sees you as the hero you are, I’m sure she will change her mind. By Luna’s mane, this will work.” When I focused on Alex again, I could see his demeanor had changed. He had that confident little smile again. My gods, it was infuriating.

Alex suddenly clapped Coins on the shoulder, “Good work. I’ll make sure the Princess knows your involvement.” His eyes focused on me, “Now, El? Would you like a coffee, or tea or something? I was going to get one at the cafeteria.”

I was a little confused, but I appreciated the thought. “Uh, a coffee, I guess.”

He nodded at me with that damn smile, “Mister Coins? Care to join me?”

Coins looked resigned. “Yes, Paladin. I suppose this is my penance for a step in my redemption?”

He chuckled, “Nope, I owe you one, and it will start with a coffee.”

They left the room while Alex chatted in a friendly tone with Coins. Coins did not seem happy about the situation.

Were Alex and Coins friends? Enemies? Frenemies? This was getting confusing.

The next few minutes blurred into a big mess of ponies all talking. I had trouble following all the conversations happening, even the ones directed at me.

Since my hospital room was evidently Grand Central Station, yet another new pony arrived. A somewhat rough and tumble looking red pegasus mare with an unruly brown mane and tail, carrying my arm in her mouth. I smiled and tried to beckon her over. The sight of my hand flopping around at the end of the arm in the mare's mouth reminded me that I needed to use my right hand for that sort of thing.

The mare stepped over, and I took back my limb, reattaching it with a satisfying pop.

I noticed Rainbow Dash’s ears swiveling toward the pony with my arm, then in a swift action, she dropped to what I learned is a pony combat stance, her wings erect. She shouted, “What the buck are you doing here, Bramble!?”

The whole room went quiet.

Bramble’s expression became hard, “Oh, Rainbow Crash. Sorry, I mean Dash. How’s life as a foalnapper? I hope you’re treating my little Scootaloo-loo alright.”

“Better than you ever did.” She turned to me, obviously angry, “Don’t trust her, El. She’s a chaos cultist.”

“Ex-cultist!”

“Yeah, right. Get out of here before I put you down like I put Discord down. And if you ever come near Scootaloo again-”

“You’ll what? Send a letter to the Princess? Tattle on me? Please. We both know the only reason you have her is because you’re an element, and he’s a paladin. The adoption board never approved the adoption. I mean, who would? We both know Thorn and I never stood a chance of getting her back.” She theatrically sniffed back a tear, “Now, if you’ll excuse me—”

"Whoa!" I exclaimed as I stepped between the two ponies. "Look, I'm clearly missing a whole bunch of drama that went down before I got here, but if I can ask a favor? Someone brings me back my missing body parts, they're gonna get a pass from me, at least as long as they don't try anything. Can we respect that for at least the next twenty minutes? And Miss… Bramble? Thank you for bringing my arm."

Dash looked up at me, relaxing slightly. “Fine. Just, be careful, El. That’s all I’m saying.” She seemed to collect herself and walked to the other end of the room.

Bramble just had this manic expression, like she just won the lottery. Should I be worried? Naw. It’s just overblown drama, and Dash is a bit of a hothead. That explains things, right?

"So, ex-chaos cultist? What's that like?" I asked Bramble with what I hoped was a friendly grin.

"Not great. Made a mistake and nopony can ever let it go," Bramble sighed dramatically. "That's why I do what I can to help out, so maybe somepony will realize that I'm not like that anymore. How's the arm? I've never seen anything like it."

"It's good, I'm left handed so being without it was really throwing me off. The arm being detachable is a really new experience for me," I said as I displayed my reattached arm for her.

"Oh no! That must have been terrible. I'm so glad I was able to find it for you." Bramble gave me a look filled with exaggerated concern. I could see some calculations playing behind her eyes and I waited for her to ask for something in return for her help.

"And now you've gotta leave town after all you did. Doesn't seem fair." The sly look she was giving told me she was expecting me to rail against the unfairness of it all.

"Miss Bramble…" I started to say.

"Mrs. Bramble Roller, but just call me Bramble," she interjected.

"Got it. Bramble… Bramble, where does a three hundred pound Alchemical Exalted sit?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Bramble's confusion was written across her face.

"Anywhere I want to. I doubt there's much here that could move me if I wanted to stay in town. But the thing is, there's a responsibility that comes with that. And that responsibility is why I can't just dig my heels and fight city hall. I've gotta do things the right way. Which means they get to win this round." I said gently.

"I don't understand." Bramble said.

"Think about why you left the Chaos cult, maybe it'll make sense. Anyhow, I should go. The arm was all I was waiting on before I left the town. Thanks again for that," I said, standing up.

"Maybe I'll come visit you out at the cottage. It's the old Dunkle place, right?" Bramble looked over toward Blitzen.

"Yeah. That's the one." Blitzen said slowly, "But give us a day or two to get the place cleaned up before dropping by." I got the feeling she didn't trust Bramble but clearly she wasn't as hostile toward her as Rainbow Dash was.

"Shall we go?" I asked Blitzen, while I looked around for 'Spect. The room was a little emptier, Trace and Dr. Emerald must have left during my conversation with Bramble.

Blitzen nodded, and we collected my bag, found 'Spect, and headed out of the hospital. Ponies seemed to be giving us a wide berth, going inside and closing doors and windows as we walked past. Fortunately the hospital was near to the edge of town and it was maybe an hour's walk to the cottage.

The cottage was nestled in the middle of the woods, just outside the ominous Everfree forest. I made note of a patch of pretty blue flowers and a small river as we walked. The only animals we saw were the usual birds and squirrels I'd have expected from this kind of forest.

When we got close to the cottage I could see that Blitzen had not been kidding about needing to clean. I saw a window that would need cracked glass replaced, cobwebs that needed to be cleared and moss on the roof that would have to be dealt with. Despite that, I felt something unexpected as I looked at this modest little cottage with Blitzen and 'Spect at my side. A feeling that maybe after all these years I'd finally come home.

Once again thanks to my friends who've helped with edits, suggestions and whole sections of this. Techogre, Marvelous Cheshire and the rest of the memverse group.

I know it's been a long time, and I'm sorry, real life has been a non-stop rollercoaster of changing jobs, dealing with injuries and depression, among other things.