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Uh-Huh, Honey

Uh-Huh, Honey

by Jake Roberts


Chapters


  • On Sight
  • Black Skinhead
  • On Sight

    Dearest Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Spike,

    The age of Rarity is here, girls!

    Terribly sorry to have not begun this letter with a proper greeting or what not, but I’m afraid I’m just too excited! I just want you all to know, forget whatever it is you might have heard or remotely knew about fashion or even yours truly. Whatever you’ve worn in the past will be tossed away in disgust by the time my work is done! There’s a monster inside in me. It’s alive and it’s telling me to create!

    Oh dear, it would seem I’m getting flustered just writing this, but that’s just what inspiration does to you.

    I’ve come to Canterlot on a mission. This city is infested with facade. For too long, I immersed myself into it. No more, I say!

    You see these designing mares and stuffy stallions who gaggle on with their delicious chocolate-furred mistresses and gleaming pool-colts about debauched, innocuous trite. That’s not where I want to be. Their life and existences are but mere facades. I will show these ponies the truth. I will show them what’s real.

    That was my problem, girls. I cared far too much about what these aristocrats wanted: gaudy diamonds upon gaudy diamonds!

    I look at my designs from just a few years ago and think ‘Kill yourself. Kill yourself.’

    What? Too extreme? You clearly don’t know how artistry works, then.

    None of it was authentic. It was all the desire of some high society client for another fastidious garden party or what not. I didn’t care about my craft, only about their approval.

    The new me has rectified that. I’m giving this world what it needs, not what it wants.

    Ponies everywhere will squirm, bow and plead for my revolution. Mares will be giving it up in waves for any stallion clothed in the stylings of Rarity!

    Oh dear, was that too crass? Oh, it matters not! Not when you’re inspired!

    This isn’t just about sticking it to convention, mind you. This is about freedom! No more girdles, no more hairbands, no more monogamy!

    Everypony wants to live at the top of the mountain. Let me tell you, I will be the one who sits atop that mountain. Like I said before, this is revolution. This is me. I am revolution.

    Oh, yes, they’ll certainly try to stop me, but what of it? I’m not leaving without a fight. When they kick me out of the clubs, I’ll return with an army (well... metaphorically, I mean. I’m certainly not planning a coup d'état for a nightclub anytime soon).

    It’s liberation, girls. I’ve discarded away everything I once was in Ponyville. Destiny is in my sights. It’s gleaming. It’s glorious.

    All I was meant to do, and all that I was meant to be. It’s on sight.

    Sincerely yours,

    Rarity.

    Black Skinhead

    Hey guys,

    The Wonderbolts. What more do I need to say?

    I swear, things have gotten so awesome. I’m gonna need a theme song and everything! I’ll start dressing in all black like a Shadowbolt if I can help it. Everything’s coming up Rainbow Dash!

    The eyes of all the little ponies are on me, and I’m loving it! Of course, the only downside to that is the press. And no, I’m not talking that paparazzi garbage, either. I’m talking about all these reporter-types who ask me the same stupid questions over and over again.

    It’s like... if you even need to ask about the awesomeness of me, you clearly don’t get it. It’s not worth explaining, either. It should be obvious to anyone with eyes.

    But yeah... other than that, everything’s better than before.

    Some nights, at like four in the morning, I’m just sort of zoning out at my loft. Spitfire usually gets nervous and thinks I’m possessed or that it’s a sign, but she couldn’t be more wrong. I’m not possessed, I’m just wide awake. I’m calm and collected, like the ancient pegasi.

    I’m living in the moment. For the longest time, I was just Rainbow Crash. I was all bark and no bite. I was my own menace to my awesomeness. But now I’m here, and it ain’t over ‘til it’s over. I’m devoted to what I am. You know it!

    There are ponies who are gonna try and follow me. Let them if they can try! I’m going five hundred miles an hour, and I’m not talking about how fast I can fly, either (although, now that I mention that...).

    I’m not a stupid kid anymore. I’m not what I was in Ponyville. I’ve become a werewolf who pounces in the night, and I’ll become the King of Cloudsdale and all parts below, but nothing has blinded me. I’m not just gonna sleep in the tomb and do no nothing. I’m a mare of action!

    I think that’s what’s gonna set me apart from the rest. I see the Bolts, and I see all these other famous ponies that I encounter on tour. They’re not breathing the air of fame, guys! They’re not letting it improve them! They’re gasping, they’re asleep, and they’re blinded.

    I see all of this and I know I don’t want to be that. At five hundred miles an hour, I can go anywhere. I’m going everywhere. Direction is irrelevant.

    I’ll do it all with a calm head. I live in the clouds, but I sure as shit ain’t getting clouded. It’s all out there for me, and it’s all for the taking, and no, I’m not talking diamonds and mares. Those just cloud the mind! I’m talking about real glory. I’m talking about actually changing things for the better! The old me is dead and gone, guys. I’m awake. I’m living in the moment, and you know it!

    Write back soon, you guys.

    -Rainbow Dash

    Author's Note:

    There will be two more updates for this, in which four songs at a time will be published. The reason I only have two out right now is because I just really wanted to get this one out to see what people thought. As you can no doubt tell, this is my first time experimenting with songfics.

    God damnit, Ye's such a muse.

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