I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.

She wasn’t sure when she had realized she was wasting everything she had ever had a chance at. Perhaps it was after the Babs Seed incident. She had been a mindless follower, not questioning anything, doing all that Diamond Tiara told her to do. Such a good girl. She had always been such a good girl, obedient, doing just what she was supposed to.

But that was a bad idea; that was the wrong idea. She had been throwing her life away ever since she met that fool of a filly Diamond Tiara, and now she had to be the one to pay for all of the damage she had caused, both to others and herself.

A loud whistle vibrated through the air as the train the silver filly was riding came to a steady stop. “Last stop of the night, Canterlot railroad system,” the conductor called from the front of the train.

The filly stood up slowly, as if savoring every heartbeat she lasted. The carpet felt fuzzy and warm on her hooves, but she took no notice. Pushing her glasses up her muzzle, she began her trek to her destination.

The conductor, a pale yellow earth pony with a chocolate-colored mane, stopped her with one hoof. “Did you come with your parents, miss?” he asked in a kind tone.

The filly bit her lip. The secret she had kept for so long was not to be unraveled here. “They’re on a business trip here,” she spoke up bravely.

Looking a little skeptical, the earth pony nodded and allowed her to pass by. The silver filly nodded to him, a little dip of her head, before she continued on her way.

At night, the city of Canterlot was none of its normal gorgeous splendor. Shadows lurked in hidden corners, huddling in the darkness, waiting to strangle an innocent victim that happened to traverse by. The petite earth pony glanced warily about her, feeling shudders, like icy claws, trickle down her back. Light lavender eyes were bright and alive, though the rest of her body seemed stiff and her movements robotic, like it realized where it was being taken.

The filly felt no pain and no regret at her choice. It had been her choice that started it, and her choice that would end it. Her little rhyme flickered through her head again; it was comforting in some obscure way.

I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.

I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.

Her silver hooves tapped out a rhythm to the words, but she did not linger on them for long. She wanted to get to her destination quickly and quietly, as well as alone. Under the mystic cloak of Luna’s night, she needed to be alone to carry out her duties.

Memories flashed through the filly’s mind, memories of hurtful words and awful actions that she had made. She flinched and looked down. She had made it happen. Diamond Tiara wouldn’t have been half as powerful without her.

In some ways, it was all her fault.

Those three words dug into the earth pony like teeth. All. Her. Fault.

That was why she was doing this, she supposed. The ticket wasn’t too hard to get; Tiara had educated her in the ways of getting what she wanted. That was the one thing Tiara had helped her with, if anything important at all.

But this was no longer relevant. She was on her own now, taking her own chances…

…and fixing what she had broken.

How many minutes more she walked, she did not know. The world was centered on her, but she could hear no noise. Every substance, every particle, every hint of noise the earth made was muffled in her ears. She could hear two things – the thoughts in her mind, and the rapid thumping of her own heart. She could put up with this, and she continued to walk.

As she got closer, the silver filly had less doubts, but instead gained more confidence. Her head lifted just a little bit higher; she pushed her glasses up her nose again less they fall. Her lavender eyes finally slowed their rapid darting and fixated themselves on her target: the edge of Canterlot City.

Canterlot was the home of the princesses, and the capital of Equestria. It was large and majestic, a truly brilliant sight to see from far away. The castle rested on the edge of a steep cliff overlooking the rest of its subjects, and seemed to shine with a million different shades of gold, white, and violet. It was hundreds of feet up in the air.

And Silver Spoon was standing right on the very brink.

She breathed in the fresh night air, like a sweet taste she could lap up with her nose. Wind whipped past, and yet another chill ran through Silver’s body. She looked down to see the fuzzy green treetops waving silently in the breeze. They looked like a newborn filly’s fuzzball toys, that one could bat around and giggle. Silver had one of those once. It was green and puffy and she would giggle and suck on it.

“Mama!” she would bubble, feeling the soft hairs of the puffball in her sensitive mouth. “I got puzzbaww!”

Her mother figure, a strict, pale green unicorn with a cherry red mane, would glare at her. “Silver Spoon,” she would snap. “That is not to be eaten, you understand?” A soft blue magical aura would surround the treat, and it would be yanked roughly from the little filly’s mouth. Baby Silver would stare hopelessly after it as it drifted away before beginning to cry.

Silver Spoon looked at the ground, feeling her throat choking up just thinking about that horrid excuse for a family. Parasol Flight was the unicorn’s name, the worst excuse for a foster mother any filly could wish for.

Parasol hated laughter.

Parasol hated fun.

Parasol hated friendship.

Silver remembered her first two friends; they were unicorns that loved to have fun. Dinky and Sweetie were their names. The silver filly let one tear fall as she remembered the fun times they had had together, racing in the snow, playing funny games, and whispering silly, pointless secrets.

Slowly and surely, everything changed.

Silver Spoon’s ear pricked; was that a soft clopping of hoof-steps behind her? She turned her head slightly to one side, searching with those quick eyes, but saw nothing. She took a deep breath in and released it.

The next two steps in her life were her cutie mark, and Diamond Tiara.

Younger Silver loved to collect spoons. Antique spoons, quirky spoons, simple spoons, she had them all in one big box. When she was eight, her cutie mark appeared; a gorgeous silver spoon, just like her name. She had been delighted, while Parasol was disgusted.

“It took you long enough,” she had spat, eyes seemingly on fire. “Fillies without cutie marks aren’t right in the head, you know. They have no idea where they’re heading on the path through life.”

“Dinky and Sweetie don’t have their cutie marks,” young, naïve Silver chirped like a little bird.

One eyebrow raised; Parasol seemed to snarl. “They don’t?”

Before Silver could say anything more, Parasol leaned in front of her and, eyes narrowed, snapped, “No more playing with them, Silver Spoon! No more!” The unicorn lifted her head. “My colleague Filthy Rich is sending his daughter, Diamond Tiara, into school. Your class, in fact. I’d like you to become her friend.”

Silver’s eyes had gone wide; her bottom lip quivered. “I-I can’t play with Dinky and Sweetie Belle anymore?”

“What did I just say?”

The sound of hoof-steps once again snapped Silver Spoon out of her daze. She was shocked to discover her eyes welling up with tears, and turned her head, blinking them away. She needed to stop dwelling on the past, and focus on the future she had planned. A future where she could be safe from Diamond Tiara, whose friendship she had never asked for. A future where she would never have to face Parasol again.

A future where all of her guilt would be gone.

With Tiara, Silver was a heartless shell who would tease Sweetie Belle and her friends in a heartbeat.

With Parasol, she was always scared out of her wits, never having time to speak up or put a say into things.

On her own, Silver Spoon was dead inside.

Why not be dead on the outside, too?

The words repeated themselves in her mind yet again, so true, so, so true. I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay. I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.

The scenes before the train echoed in her head; scenes of screaming, broken bottles littering the floor, hoarse tones coming from the throat of a horrid caretaker, a horrid mother, a horrid foster mother known as Parasol Flight. Her voice was bubbly and sick, and her words were even more sharp and angry than before. Her tone slashed Silver Spoon like knives, and ripped into her flesh. Tears poured down the filly’s face as she turned to flee, leaving Parasol standing in the midst of empty bottles, chest heaving. The next train to Canterlot was leaving; it was late at night, and Silver was desperate.

The plan generated slowly but surely, and now it was in action.

Silver Spoon took one tentative hoof-step forward, pushing forward a small group of pebbles that clattered and clunk down the side of the cliff with echoing pinging noises. The filly breathed in and out.

All she had to do was jump.

Jump, and it would all be over.

Silver bent her legs – and heard a voice behind her scream.

She froze mid-jump, whipping around, eyes an angry lilac fire. Who had interrupted her? If she had second thoughts now, she might never decide to carry this plan through…and she needed to carry it through. She had done too much.

The voice came again, freakishly high-pitched.

“SILVER!”

It was a familiar tone, one that Silver Spoon hadn’t heard used positively towards her in quite a long time; it had been a few years, if she remembered correctly.

It belonged to a white unicorn filly with a cotton-candy style rose and violet colored mane and concerned, horrified green eyes that were already brimming with liquid. A drop fell down the filly’s face; she lunged forward and snatched Silver by the tail. Silver Spoon was so surprised she fell backwards, leaned back, and stared up at her attacker in disbelief.

“Sweetie Belle?” she whispered.

Sweetie stared down at her, tears bubbling and boiling. “What…what are you doing?” she squeaked in an almost incoherent tone.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Silver snapped, shoving the white unicorn aside and turning back towards the cliff. “It doesn’t concern you. It’s all about me.”

“But…but you were…”

“I know what I was trying to do! I was trying to do that on purpose, okay?”

The last word came out harsher than Silver had intended, and Sweetie recoiled like she had been slashed with a knife. Her bottom lip trembled threateningly close to overflowing with tears, but Silver was not going to crack.

“Why are you in Canterlot?” the earth pony asked, turning back towards the cliff. If she could just get her distracted for a moment…

“I could ask you the same question,” Sweetie muttered, looking down.

Silver looked back, eyes narrowed. “None of your business.”

“Then you don’t need to know my business,” the unicorn replied, lifting her head a tiny bit higher, but still looking as if she could buckle at any moment. Just like when she was a little filly that couldn’t be separated from Dinky and Silver…

Silver clenched her teeth. She couldn’t crack. She couldn’t…she couldn’t…

“You worthless excuse for a filly! You think collecting spoons is a talent? You think bending to ones weaker than you is a good thing? Stand above them and shove them down! You stupid, little idiot excuse for a filly!”

Silver Spoon burst out in tears.

Sweetie’s eyes grew wide; she backed up slightly, like she was unaware of what to do. Eventually, her sweet and kind nature took over, and she padded up, straightening the glasses that had slipped off of her former friend’s muzzle. “Are you okay?” she whispered.

“No.” Silver’s voice cracked, and she felt like throwing up. “No, I’m not okay. Can’t you, like, tell?”

“Of course I can,” Sweetie murmured, stroking her hoof through Silver’s mane, just like they had when they were very little. “What’s going on, Silver? What’s going on?”

There was a wall between them, a large wall that would not allow Silver Spoon to tell Sweetie Belle her personal thoughts. It just wasn’t right. She wasn’t sure she wanted to do.

No. She knew what she needed to do.

Silver Spoon staggered to her hooves, looking down at the confused filly sitting below. “First tell me why you’re in Canterlot,” she choked out.

“That’s easy. Rarity has a fashion show, and our parents are in Fillydelphia for the weekend, so I got to come with my big sister!” Sweetie Belle’s eyes shimmered, and she stared up at the sky with a dazed look in her gaze.

That made sense. Silver nodded, still trying to force back the tears. Every time she thought she was okay, she remembered Parasol’s words, lashing across her back like a whip. She wanted to tell Sweetie Belle. She really, really did.

Sweetie leaned forward, a heartbroken look in her eyes. “Silver…?”

“My parents are dead!”

There it was: the phrase she had been avoiding for so long. The phrase that burned and bubbled like acid on her tongue. Her parents were dead, gone, and she had to live with the mare that had single-hoofidly ruined her life.

That was it.

Silver Spoon turned towards Sweetie Belle, sobbing, and fell into her arms. Seeming surprised at first, Sweetie patted her back. “There, there,” she whispered in her ear. “You’ll be alright…you’ll be alright, you’ll see…”

They had stayed like that until morning, Silver telling Sweetie everything that had transpired; Parasol’s slow spiral into insanity, Diamond Tiara’s dictatorship friendship, and how everything had swirled out of control from there. Sweetie Belle was a good listener, and didn’t interrupt once, except with small gasps of shock and horror.

“And…and…” Silver sighed. “I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.”

“No!” Sweetie’s voice was forceful. “Life is a gift that you cannot waste, Silver Spoon! You have to stick around! Please!” Her voice cracked, and she burst out in tears. “Please…please…”

But Sweetie Belle clearly didn’t understand.

Silver had already had her chance at life.

She had wasted it, her precious gift.

“Can you take a message back to school for me?” she asked casually.

Sweetie stopped ranting; her pupils instantly shrunk. “What?”

“Can…can you tell Dinky that I’m sorry?” Silver nuzzled Sweetie’s cheek and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Dinky? I haven’t talked to her in months…”

“Please.” Silver’s eyes were pleading. “I need you to do this, Sweetie Belle. For me.”

Sweetie closed her eyes and looked down. A single tear fell. “But Silver…Silver, you can’t go! You’re too young! You’re way, way, way too young!”

And she was done.

Silver Spoon took a few hoof-steps toward the cliff and looked back. Sweetie reached out one hoof as if to call her back, and then looked down again, eyes brimming. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered hoarsely. “Please don’t go. We can call Dinky back...we can be just like we were again! ...except with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom too!” She was sobbing, words bubbling out of her throat. "Don't go, Silver Spoon!"

Silver almost stopped right there. She could have just turned back right then, and tried to make amends with Parasol and reshape Diamond Tiara and been friends with the Cutie Mark Crusaders…

But it was too late.

I have thrown my life away, and now I’ll be the one to pay.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie Belle,” she whispered, looking towards Celestia’s rising sun. Vibrant colors of salmon, vermillion, and violet streaked the sky in brilliant colors, like a pastel painting. She could almost see her parents, watching. Waiting.

“Silver…” Sweetie whispered, openly crying now. “Silver!”

Silver Spoon looked back once, eyes mournful. She bowed her head, the same thought echoing through her mind over and over, again and again. One tip of the head was all it took to say goodbye.

Silver Spoon jumped.

Author's Notes:

My first attempt at writing something sad and genuinely depressing. I'd like to know if I dragged any parts out too much, because I'm pretty sure that was the part I might have messed up the most. Reviews appreciated! :D

~Driz