Judge Luna
Case #2 – Smackdown

Cheerilee sighed in relief after the stampede of foals was gone for the day. Leaning back in her desk chair for a moment, she closed her eyes to rest them. Fridays were always a bit of a madhouse when it came to teaching elementary school. Foals were eager for their weekends, and sometimes looked at the clock more than her. Leaning for a moment, she peered into the bottom-right desk drawer. She sometimes had to confiscate things from her class. The odd bouncy ball here, a bag of chips there… why, once she’d confiscated a toy crossbow that shot squishy little bolts at other foals. What a day that had been! The mare leaned curiously this time around, though, because she’d caught her students with something strange during their math lessons.

It was a video tape. Snips and Snails had been talking in hushed voices with Featherweight, trying to get him to take it in the middle of class. Featherweight had seemed hesitant but interested. Cheerilee only prayed it wasn’t something foals needn’t be looking at. But, the black and completely featureless tape did strike her curiosity. Taking it in her teeth and going to the science closet, she pulled out the television that had been given to her by the school board in Canterlot. She’d used it a few times to show movies on the days before holidays, or even as a reward when the class was ahead of schedule in their lessons. Struggling with the energy crystal for a moment to power the thing, she pushed the tape into the VCR and tapped play.

Lines leapt back and forth as the strange device tried very hard not to overheat. It was new technology after all, and wasn’t quite stable. Cheerilee sat on her haunches, cocking her head as the sound caught up with the video. “What’s this…?” she mumbled to herself.

Dun dun dun duhhhhhn!
Real cases.
Real ponies.
This—is Judge Luna.

A star-stangled logo flew across the screen, emblazed with the royal cutie mark before igniting into flames and exploding into stardust. Cheerilee stared, reaching into her saddlebags for the remainder of the lunch she’d not quite been able to finish during recess. She scratched her chin a bit, watching the camera fly through the palace, blast past a pair of double doors and into the throne room of Canterlot. “Huh!” the mare said, smiling. She’d never been to Canterlot, much less seen the throne room. This was kind of neat. “I wonder if I could use this for a lesson…” she crunched into a daisy and potato-chip sandwhich, eyes never leaving the screen. “The colts in my class were watching this…?” she mumbled, betraying the bad habit of talking with her mouth full.

=-=-=-=

“All rise!” barked a Lunar Stallion as Princess Luna swept into the room and mounted the dais. “Her Majesty Princess Luna, presiding!” The dark alicorn nodded once when she’d seated herself. “You may be seated.” Turning towards the Princess he gave her a folder. “Your majesty this is case number 86753, in the matter of Triage versus Boxem.” He leaned to mumble to her privately.

“Thank thee, Steel Wing. Where are my two parties?” Luna signed the folder then set it next to herself, looking curious. “I see no little ponies before me.” She craned her neck, finding both tables empty.

“They had to be brought in separately.” Steel Wing said a little darkly. “From opposite sides of the building. At different times.”

“That bad, huhm?” Luna sighed a bit. “Very well. Bring forth the first pony.” Steel Wing made a gesture, and the throne room doors were flung open.

A battered, broken-looking stallion tottered into the room. His front legs were supported by a complex, wheelchair-like mechanism while his back legs propelled him forward. One of his eyes had been blackened, and there was a smattering of tiny black marks across his barrel. Luna’s brow rose. What matter of catastrophe had befallen his poor creature?! He had to be helped through the little gate that separated the audience from the tables before the throne. He let out a little yapping sound when his wheels thumped the floor a little too hard getting over the lip, and the Princess winced openly. “Your Majesty.” He panted when he’d finally made it behind his podium table. He bowed as best he could, but even from on high Luna could see the pained quiver in his front end as he did so.

“Rise, my little pony.” Luna said with a little sound of sympathy. “Respect is no justification for self-inflicted pain. Tell us thy name and vocation?”

“Thank you.” He said in a small voice, offering up a weak smile. “My name is Roxem Boxem. I own a cherry stand and a few multi-story renting apartments in Ponyville.” He was a square-shaped thing, with stubble on his chin and a cardboard box on his flank. He looked well-built and rather tough… if not for the menagerie of injuries up and down his body. Clearly, he’d been trounced by the purest definition of trouncing.

“And what brings you to my court room today?” Luna said, tilting her head.

“I was assaulted and badly injured!” Roxem blurted the obvious. “I have medical bills and pain and suffering the other guy should pay for!”

“We assume though has all paperwork confirming injury and monetary loss?” Luna said, making a gesture to Steel Wing. The Lunar Stallion bowed and went forward. Roxem nodded until it pained him and he had to stop. Getting out a messy-looking folder, he gave it to the royal guard, who took it to her Majesty. Luna flicked through it. “Oh yes, we see… very thorough. Commendable.” The dark alicorn set it aside after almost a minute of scanning the numbers, doctor’s comments and such. “We wish we had more ponies with evidence so plain. Clearly, thou hast suffered a thrashing at the hooves of a vicious attacker! We shalt see justice this day, no doubt of it!” she nodded sternly, snapping the folder closed.

“Oh I hope so, your majesty!” the stallion said enthusiastically, energy flitting across his features until a bolt of pain went down his neck and he had to calm himself.

“It is our understanding thou art sueing for medical bills, pain and suffering, and so on?” Luna looked up after she’d shuffled a few papers. The stallion nodded once. “Very well, this seems rather cut and dry.” She turned to Steel Wing once more. “Bring forth the other party, please?”

Steel Wing gestured and two ponies came forward from the double doors of the throne room. The audience craned their necks, for one was a grown stallion and the other one was a frightened little foal. Both were lime green, both with earthy-brown manes, and both with casted-limbs on their flanks. The stallion with a leg in a cast on his flank, and the foal with a hoof in a cast. The foal tried to stay under his father’s barrel, whimpering a little. He didn’t like all the eyes on him, so many eyes! Shyly hiding under the table when they’d come forward, the little one had to be herded out into plain view. “Steady there, son.” Steel Wing came with a little box for him to stand on. The colt clambered up onto the it so he could be seen on the podium too.

“State your names and vocations, please?” Luna said, admiring the family resemblance. So rare it was, to share mane and coat color with a parent.

“Your Majesty,” the stallion bowed, “My name is Triage. This is my son, Splint. I’m a EMT, and my son is… er… in grade school.” He smiled a little awkwardly, which the Princess returned.

“How are thy grades?” she looked over at Splint.

“O-okay…” squeaked Splint, pressing up against his father some. The stallion put a comforting arm around his son, trying to help him stop shaking like a leaf in front of all the cameras and watching ponies. Poor thing. Luna promised herself to get through this quickly so the poor thing could go back to being a child and not wet himself from fear.

“Good. Education is important, little on. How old art thou?” she asked.

“I-I’m nine, your Highness.” Splint said.

“Nine! A very good age!” Luna said, smiling in a motherly way. “Let’s have all this be done, and thou may go back home to play, yes?” she said soothingly. The colt nodded eagerly, his eyes doe-like and soft. “Very good then.” The Princess leaned. “Now then, Mister Triage. Thou art being sued for assault by Mister Boxem due to…” she gestured at the stallion across the way. “Well, all of that. How does thou recall the incident? Perhaps thy medical knowledge helped thou trounce him in the most effective ways possible?” she frowned, ready to lay into the lime green stallion already.

“W-well no, you see...” the stallion hesitated for a moment, “I’m here to represent my son. He’s a minor, so he can’t be sued. I have to stand in his stead, according to my legal advisers.”

There was a long, long, awkward silence in the courtroom. Lunar Stallions murmured at each other. The camera crew looked back and forth, trying to figure out if that was really true. The audience gasped audibly and started to murmur and fuss rather loudly. “Order! ORDER!” Luna stamped a gilded hoof, startling everypony into silence. “Thou does know thyself to be under oath, right Mister Triage? Thou mean to tell us that thine tiny whelpling gave Mister Boxem,” she gestured to the stocky stallion across the way, “The thrashing of a lifetime?” Triage nodded mutely. “We doth not believe thou. Not for an instant.” She looked down at the colt with a rather troubled expression. “How dare thee bring thy youngling into such proceedings, spouting such drivel?!”

“It’s true,” said Triage as gently as he could. “Maybe we could give a demonstration?”

Luna considered for a time. Eliminate the impossible, and even the most extraordinarily unlikely was bound to be true. “Very well. Stalwart Hide, come forth!” she stamped a hoof twice. One of the Lunar Stallions standing next to a column startled forward at the sound of his name. Luna eyed him up for a time. He seemed to be approximately Boxem’s size. “Alright. Thou may make a demonstration of thy might upon my guard, little one.” She bade Splint.

The lime green little colt came forward, bending forward at the knees in a sort of bow. The Lunar Stallion cocked his head with a clank of his plate-like armor. The soldier was easily twice his height and four times his weight, helm included. Coming forward, he mumbled to himself about being careful with the kid and not hurting him in front of thousands of ponies. “Be careful, Splint! Not so hard this time.” Triage said, lifting a hoof. Splint nodded.

Luna leaned forward, eyes trained on the foal. “U-uhm, here I come,” Splint said softly. The Lunar Stallion nodded, waiting to see what the little ankle-biter could d----?!

LEAP-POW-TWIST-SMASH!

The audience was on its hooves, mouths agape. The Lunar Stallion hit the floor so hard he bounced off the marble like a chew toy, a piece of his armor breaking off and pin-wheeling out a window. Luna blurted a swear word in shock, which thankfully nopony heard. Stalwart Hide lay there in a twitchy heap, his eyes replaced with swirly-marks. “Order! ORDER IN MY COURT!” the Princess vibrated the windowsills with the Royal Canterlot Voice. Everypony startled back down into silence, seating themselves and mumbling. Clearly disturbed, Luna cleared her throat for a moment and fished for words. “Er… very well then.” She gestured to another guard to have the trounced one taken for medical attention. Suddenly all the little black marks on Roxem Boxem’s barrel made sense. They were buck-bruises. Dozens of tiny little buck bruises from the hooves of an innocent-looking foal.

“M’sorry!” blurted Splint as Stalwart Hide was dragged away. “Mommy says you’re only supposed to fight in self-defense or if somepony can’t defend themselves!” he sank to his belly like Luna might hit him for what he’d done.

“Thy mommy is a wise mare,” said Luna warily. “Please, return to thy father’s side.” Slowly seating herself again, the night time Princess completely adjusted the dynamics of the case. What could invoke the wrath of such a mousey child? She had to know more. “Mister Triage, please relate the entire story, from the beginning.” Luna gestured, taking deep breaths to calm herself.

“W-well, you see,” The lime green stallion said, “My wife and I are a team in world pony martial arts rings. She’s a champion competitor, and I’m an EMT for anypony that gets seriously injured during the competitions.” He paused to let that sink in. “She taught our son how to defend himself really early, but she might’ve gotten a little carried away.”

“Clearly.” Luna said, eyeing the foal. He had no bulging muscles nor deformaties of early-childhood extreme work-outs… yet somehow he’d flattened one of her royal guards by shifting his weight and laying into his face in the blink of an eye. “Thy son is clearly an excellent protégé.”

“The kid’s a frickin’ psychopath!” Blurted Roxem Boxem, who’d been silent up until then.

“We art speaking!” Luna snapped angrily, shushing Boxem with a pointing hoof. “Thy turn to speak comes later, hold thy tongue.” She said before turning back to the father-son pair. “Continue, we must know how this beating came to pass.”

“W-well you see,” Triage said. “My wife was told to take a year off from the competitions because of her blood pressure. Constant training and stress does terrible things to your body, after all.” He smiled a little bashfully. “So, we came to Ponyville to relax and enjoy some quiet. You know, let my son go to school instead of travelling with a tutor—let my wife breathe easy for a while instead of kicking flank from dawn to dusk—and I got a job at Ponyville General Hospital.”

“Mhm?” Luna said, scratching her chin as she did so. “And how did thou come across Mister Boxem?”

“He’s our landlord.” Triage said. “We only planned to stay in Ponyville for a year and a half or so, so we didn’t want to just buy a house and then sell it right away. Too much paperwork.”

“Renting would seem the wiser choice. And mister Boxem rented a home to you?” Luna confirmed.

“Yes.”

“And thou signed a renter’s agreement?”

“Yes.”

“And thou moved in with no issues?”

“Yes.”

“And thou lived there in the peace and quiet thou sought?”

“Yes.”

“Did thou have any troubles with Mister Boxem before this incident?” Luna looked back and forth between the two parties to study their reactions. Both parties confirmed that no, there had been no issues or trouble before this one. “Rather violent for a first argument, wouldst thou not say?”

“Yes, your Majesty,” Triage wilted guiltily. “I didn’t expect it either.”

“Did thou agitate or assault the child, Roxem Boxem?” Luna wheeled over to ask.

“No! I never talked to the kid at all!” Roxem said defensively, scowling.

“So tell us then, right to the point, why thy child came to destroy Mister Boxem.” Luna commanded, lifting a hoof towards the frightened foal. He hid under his father’s barrel, refusing to stand on his box anymore. He knew it, he knew he’d get in big trouble with the Princess!

“Well, there was a hiccup in the rent on the fourth month I was staying there.” Triage said. “Something about the paperwork at the hospital, checks were received a week late. Mister Boxem didn’t like that.”

“I have a zero tolerance policy for late rent!” Roxem Boxem scowled. “You don’t pay, you don’t live in my properties!”

“Sh-sh-shh!” Luna snapped, hushing Roxem. “Continue, Triage.”

“W-well, I came home from work one day, and Mister Boxem was waiting for me. He lives on the third floor of the building I live in. He was up on the balcony, you see—!”

“And he came down to let thou know thy rent was late and to vacate?” Luna wanted to know.

“W-well, he came to shove me up to a wall and demand my rent, yes,” Triage said in a small voice. Luna’s eyes roamed his features, then flicked over to Roxem.

“That’s a lie!” Roxem Boxem shouted. “A dirty rotten lie!”

Luna’s searing gaze snapped back to Roxem and she set him with a glare. “We hath bade thee hush twice now, Roxem Boxem. If we need do it a third time, thou shalt be out of my court on thy two-wheeled backside!” The stallion gulped, wilting some. The audience murmured nervously in the background.

“He came down from the third-floor balcony to yell at me and wanted to know where his rent was. He was waving our rental agreement around, and wanted to know if I wanted my wife and foal out on the streets in Ponyville.” Triage said, gathering his courage as he spoke. “He said in a little town like Ponyville, everypony knows everypony and nopony would take us in if it got around that I couldn’t pay rent.”

“I see.” Luna said pensively, rubbing her chin lightly. “And Mister Boxem was there to give you the chance to pay up, yes?” Triage nodded confirmation. “In his own way, no doubt.” Luna eyed the injured stallion. “How did thy son get involved then? If thou were just returning from work, surely he was not outside alone?”

“We live on the first floor, he must've heard us through a window.”

“That’s heresy.” Luna waved a hoof dismissively. “Come out, little one. Pray tell us what you saw?” she tried to put on a gentle tone, even in the heat of the moment in the case.

Splint stuck his head around the table, saying meekly, “It’s true, I heard the grown-ups shouting.”

“About what?” Luna asked.

“Money. Mister Boxem had my daddy up against a wall. He said he wanted money so we could stay in our home,” said the wilt-eared colt. The poor thing looked ready to have a heart attack.

“I see…” Luna said. The colt was too terrified to lie and she felt bad for it, but foals were more honest than grown ponies. “What happened next?”

“I thought he was gonna hurt my daddy,” Splint said softly. “And Daddy can’t fight, Mommy doesn’t let him. She says he’s a pussy in the ring.”

“Splint!” Triage barked, flushing red. “What have I told you about using that word?!” The audience burst into laughter. Luna almost startled into scandalous laughter, but lifted a hoof to hide a mild smile instead. She would have to tell Cellie about this one.

Luna stamped a hoof a couple of times to regain order, coughing a bit. “So thou leapt into action to save thy Daddy, then?” the night time Princess asked. The colt nodded. “That was very brave of you, but not a habit I hope.” The colt shook his head no. “First time, then?” The child nodded. “Let it be the last then, understand?” Splint nodded again, blushing. “So what happened next?”

“I jumped out the window where I was coloring on Mister Boxem’s back before he hurt my Daddy too badly,” Splint stared at his hooves, half-hiding behind the table. “He bruises really easy…” the colt trailed off.

“Thy Daddy, or Mister Boxem?” Luna asked before she could stop herself.

“Er… both.” The colt said in a mousy voice. The audience murmured with laughter.

“That’s— hahaha…” Luna stopped a moment to compose herself. “Forgive us. Continuing! Thou jumped onto Mister Boxem’s back. Then what happened?”

The colt was silent for a time, as though counting something in his head. “I poked his eye, dislocated his shoulder, broke his left leg, locked his front pectoral, rotated his barrel,” he paused for breath, “bruised two dominant ribs, and laid him on his back,” the child recited rather robotically. There was a long, awkward silence in the courtroom. Luna blinked a few times, not expecting such a cold and medical list. An elderly stallion near the back of the courtroom mumbled an impressed swear word, cocking his eyebrow. “N-not very hard! Honest! I-I was just scared for my Daddy!”

Luna very suddenly saw the dynamo of Splint’s parentage. A championship martial artist and a highly-trained medical professional. Combined, they produced a power-house foal that could destroy anypony with very little effort. Physical knowledge to know where to strike, and physical prowess to know how to strike. Positively vicious. Triage’s cutie mark may have been a leg-cast-for-mending, but his son Splint’s hoof-in-a-cast cutie mark meant BREAKING. Good thing he was so meek, and had such a tight upbringing for using his skills. The Princess of the night fought down a very real shudder.

Roxem Boxem raised a hoof, wanting to speak so, so badly. Luna turned, nodding to him. “Look. I just want what’s mine to pay for the medical bills! The kid admits it, plain and simple! He assaulted me from behind when I wasn’t looking and now I gotta wheel myself around for a few months! It’s embarrassing!”

“Thou went to menace Mister Triage for monies and were set upon for it, it seems.” Luna said a little acidly, her brow lowering.

“I didn’t do anything to that kid! I didn’t provoke him!” Roxem blurted.

“Thou provoked a rescuer to a non-combatative pony, an extension of Equestria’s ‘Stand Thy Ground’ law,” Luna said. “As this law is recent, I hope thou knows of it?”

“Er…” Roxem Boxem said, cocking his head with a frown.

“’Stand Thy Ground’ allows a pony to use force, even deadly force, when encountering impending death or impending bodily injury—without fear of being arrested for it.”

“But that means I could just beat on anypony that I think might hit me!” blurted Roxem Boxem in disbelief. “That’s outrageous!”

“Neigh. It is not a bubble that follows thou around. It only applies if there is no doubt, none at all, that physical injury or death will occur.” Luna gestured to the colt on the other side of the tables. “While a colt’s judgement is far below that of a grown stallion, the same rule applies. He judged thou a true and un-doubtable threat, then leapt upon thee to save his sire.”

“The little brat broke one of my legs!” Roxem said, temper flaring.

“And thou art lucky to be alive, if the armored royal guard he just crushed is any indication,” Luna smirked just a little. Roxem shuddered, knowing it to be true. “But, if you must know, thou gave up thy case the moment thou confirmed to placing thy hooves on Mister Triage.”

“H-hey! Ponies don’t respect ya if you’re meek and kind! Doormats don’t get ahead in life!” Roxem argued. “If I wanted my rent I had to show ‘em who was boss! I didn’t hit the guy, I just--!”

“Shoved him into a wall, threatening to slander him and his family if he did not pay you right then?” Luna said with a scowl. “Triage, where art thou living now?” she turned to the other stallion.

“Er… Ponyville Inn.” Triage mumbled, blushing embarrassedly. “Pending how this case goes, we might have to move to another town. We can’t afford it much longer, not even with the winnings my wife brought with us from the last martial arts tournament.”

“I assume Mister Boxem evicted you shortly after his thrashing?” Luna nodded sagely, and the stallion confirmed. “Fair enough, they are his premises and he cannot be forced to house you for any reason. He is a private business owner and may evict whom he pleases for any reason stated in his contracts. His zero tolerance policy for late rent stands just fine in mine court, as thou signed the lease stating thus.” Luna scanned the lease agreement in front of her, tapping the appropriate line.

“Oh, I-I’m not here to argue about that, I just came to fight for my son!” Triage said. “Please don’t punish him! He—he didn’t know any better! My wife taught him too much, too early! It’s not his fault!”

“We agree, thy wife taught him too much.” Luna said a little tartly. “However, what is done is done.” Roxem’s chest inflated. This was it, this was it! “Thou art correct, Triage, a child cannot be sued in any standing court of law. Especially not for something as simple as assault! Why, every schoolyard fight would turn into a fiery legal battle!” she snorted, rolling her eyes. “Therefore, my judgement falls onto you instead of your son.” Triage gulped, and Roxem leaned forward a bit. Luna considered for a time, reviewing the facts and documents in front of herself. She closed her eyes and heaved a bit of a sigh. “Roxem Boxem, thy case falls flat because thou assaulted Mister Triage first. While Splint’s reaction was above and beyond not only a normal response but MOST responses for ponies his age— I cannot within the law’s grasp grant you the monies you want for your medical bills.”

“What?!” Roxem gasped. “But--! But look at me!” he said, gesturing to his wheels and his bruises and his broken body. “I’mma mess!”

“Self-defense is rarely an ironclad defense, Roxem,” Luna said with a frown. “However, as I said, the moment thou placed thy hooves on Triage, you lost all garuntee of safety for thyself. He is entitled to defend himself, or to have another defend him if he cannot.”

“I didn’t rough him up!” Roxem said, aghast.

“Touching is enough.” Luna shook her head. “The moment something becomes in any way physical, most legal arguments like yours crumble.”

“W-wait! I caught the worst of this! You can’t just—!”

“Your case is dismissed!” Luna stamped a gilded hoof down on the marble floor. “Consider thyself lucky thy neck is in one piece, with such a destructive foal upon thy back,” she said a bit less gently. Roxem wilted miserably. “Perhaps thou shalt learn the foal’s lesson here: keep thy hooves to thyself!” Triage knelt down to embrace his son. They nuzzled affectionately as Roxem wheeled his way out, yelping a little when his wheels got stuck on the lip of the gate on the way out of the courtroom. “Triage!” Luna said, rising from the throne. He looked up at her, eyebrows up in mild fear. “Please put thy hoof down and allow thy foal no more combat training in the future, huhm? Leaving the catastrophic injury-causing to thy wife.”

“Y-yes your majesty!” Triage promised, blushing and nodding vigorously. Splint peered up at the Princess with large, innocent eyes as they stood there. “C’mon buddy, c’mon, we’re heading home…” he whispered to his son, trying to soothe him. He herded the little colt out of the courtroom, and the cameras followed them the whole way until they were out the door.

“My judgment is made!” Luna barked, seating herself again. “Let the next case be brought before me!”

End Case 2