Ultimate Defence of the Realm - Part 3
by John Routledge

Based on Friendship is Magic, created by Lauren Faust
And My Little Pony, created by Bonnie Zacherle
Render Unto Hasbro That Which Is Hasbro’s...

Luna ignored Celestia as she fiddled with the candle, focusing on Tara instead. One moment she was frozen in time, the next there was a sensation like water rushing out of an upturned bucket as the spell broke, and then she was breathing.

She wobbled slightly before steadying herself, legs and toes twitching for balance, as her head came up and her eyes blearily opened. She stood there, blinking stupidly for a moment, looking back and forth between the two of them with a vacant expression. Then something changed and...

Tara’s arm snapped out right, showing her hand into a nearby black cube, yanking out something large and boxy before the cube could finish turning transparent. In a motion almost too quick to follow, whatever it was ended up pressed against her withers, and a thin red glittering line was suddenly linking the end of the weapon to the middle of Luna forehead.

“Target?”

Tara’s voice was rough, cold, focused, and female.

Luna froze. Not because of the voice, or the question, or Tara’s voice, or her flint hard eyes, or stone cold expression, and not even her clear intent to kill. Nor the tiny and impossibly small focus of unfamiliar energy she suddenly sensed within the weapon (what else could it be?) or the alien whine it made. What froze Luna was Tara’s clear and absolute confidence that she was in no danger, and the horrifying emptiness that Luna sensed behind Tara’s eyes and between her ears.

“No,” Celestia said clearly.

“Are you sure?” Tara asked without moving an inch. “She fits the profile for a high priority target.”

Luna’s eyes tracked left to where Celestia was standing with an equally stern expression.

“No, Tara.”

Tara grunted. The red line disappeared and she relaxed, moved the gun aside.

“Hmm. Pity.” She pulled a strap out of the weapon and slung it over her shoulders and turned to face Celestia. “Male?”

“Male?” Luna repeated. She heard Celestia chuckle before the meaning sank in. She glared at her sister, who moved a hoof up to cover her mouth guilty, before turning back to Tara. “What do you mean male?!”

“No,” Celestia answered again.

“Good. Otherwise I’d have to spank your hide again. Now I believe we had a bet. Come here if you please.”

With a smile Celestia stepped forwards and bowed her head. With a smile Tara reached into the black square again to pull out an odd looking tape measure.

“Let’s see... 56.2 centimeters. That’s an extra 8.6cm, so 282 years, plus or minus 15.”

What’s a centimeter? Luna wondered.

“Very good Tara,” Celestia said as she straightened. “You’ve been asleep 295 years.”

“Yay. I win.” She turned to face Luna. “Who’s this?”

Celestia moved to stand between them.

“Captain Tara, meet Princess Luna, my sister and co-regent. Princess Luna, meet Captain Tara, formerly of the British Army.”

“Captain,” Luna said, determined to get back into this conversation.

She politely extended a hoof. Tara reached forwards to hold the edge of her hoof and shake it. Luna concentrated on holding her nerve until Tara let go. She always found hands a bit creepy.

“Ma’am. Apologies for threatening you earlier, but you looked like someone I should kill on sight.” She glanced at Celestia. “In fact technically you still are someone I should kill on sight. I was told you had been turned into Nightmare Moon.”

“She got better,” Celestia said simply as she stood beside her sister and nuzzled her. After a moment Luna nuzzled her back. “And nothing in a thousand years has made me happier.”

“Yes, well, that’s... charming, I suppose. But I thought you said that you couldn’t fix her?”

“I didn’t.”

“Yes you did,” Tara insisted. “I distinctly remember you saying that the Nightmare was beyond all your powers.”

“No, Celestia means that she did not heal me. She is no longer the guardian of the Elements of Harmony.”

Tara frowned at that before looking to a shelf on the wall containing a row of partially burnt two day candles and one... Her jaw dropped before she turned back to glare at the two princesses.

“Okay, given that you’ve allowed me to faff about for a couple of minutes without interruption I’m assuming that the Principality isn’t facing some terrible and urgent threat. That aside, is there isn’t anything you want to tell me? Anything important? Anything I really should know about?” When neither sister answered her, Tara added, “I’m assuming there isn’t somepony you urgently need me to kill and eat to dispose of the evidence.”

Luna’s head rose sharply at the suggestion, knocking her horn into Celestia’s and making them both wince.

“Oh I’m sorry, am I interrupting your Twincest?”

“Tara, I have never once asked you to kill anypony, or any other living creature.”

“Yet,” Tara inserted.

“Nor have I ever asked you to consume a body to ‘dispose of the evidence’, Captain.”

“Very true. Not that I could manage a whole pony in a single sitting. It would take at least a week. Oh and by the way, why is there a partially burnt five day candle sitting on my shelf?”

“I wanted to give my sister every chance Tara, and I had every confidence in Twilight to resolve the issue. Which she did if you’ll notice. Less than a day was burned away.”

Tara glared at Celestia.

“Oh we are so going to talk about that later. I assume General Twilight is the new commander of the strategic forces?”

Luna sniggered, which earned her a confused glance from Tara before she turned back to Celestia.

“Well I suppose we should do this properly.” Celestia raised hoof to assume the Royal Canterlot Pose. “I, Princess Celestia, Commander in chief of all pony forces in Equestria...” Luna rolled her eyes as they started speaking a foreign language again. “...inform you Captain Tara that there has been a significant alternation in the disposition of Equestria’s strategic forces.

The changes are as follows: Princess Luna is now fourth in line of succession behind the Prime Minister and the Cabinet. Beyond a few years in the future she can be expected to second in line. The spell will remain unchanged, and shall continue to awaken two days after my magic disappears from Equestria.

“The elements of Harmony are now born by Twilight Sparkle and her friends, who have used them twice now to avoid disaster.

“This ends the list of significant alterations to the disposition of Equestria’s strategic forces.”

Tara stared at them.

“Twilight Sparkle, and her ‘friends’.” Tara repeated. “Not General Sparkle?”

“No.”

“Brigadier?”

“No.”

“Colonel?”

“No.”

“Major?”

“No.”

“Captain?”

“No.”

Tara sighed.

“Okay, what position does she hold?”

“Twilight Sparkle is my most faithful pupil.”

“Pupil?” Tara asked before snarling, “She’s a student?!” She looked as if she was about to explode with rage, but instead appeared to collapse inward, and covered her eyes with a hand. “How old is this Sparkle?”

Celestia told her.

“I... You... Oh for...” Tara stopped talking and simply growled before starting to pace in front of both Princess. “I give up. I simply give up. I really shouldn’t even be surprised at this point. Parallel worlds. Candy coloured ponies. Castles built with no conception of defence. Visible laser beams. Magic spells. Living sodding Gundams! Why the hell not magical schoolgirls into the bargain!

“Look! Just stand here and talk amongst yourselves. I’m sure Luna has plenty of questions for you Celestia. Meanwhile I’m going to go and check on my equipment until I can stop thinking of industrial uses,” Tara glared at Celestia, “for pony gut!”

She turned and stormed off towards the pillars. Out of the first one Luna saw her pull something involving a lot of pockets, webbing, and straps. The Princess turned to her sister and speaking quietly.

“Is she always like this?”

“Not always, but she can be a little grumpy sometimes.”

“Oh.”

Luna went over the conversation again and sorted through some of the unfamiliar terms.

“What’s ‘twincest’?”

“I don’t know,” Celestia said with a shrug of her wings. “I’ve known Tara for about 6 months over a 600 year period, but I haven’t learnt all the vocabulary from her world. You’re welcome to ask her yourself, if you like, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Tara, it’s that there are some answers you are better off not, ah... googling. If I’m saying that right.”

“The reverent pause is not strictly required for informal occasions.”

Both sisters ignored her save for an ear which tracked her movements across the cave.

“What she mean by ‘Spank you again’?”

“Ah,” Celestia hesitated. “Yes. She did say that didn't she?”