In a Bit of a Jam

By: Buytoast

Jelly.  There was jelly everywhere.  A sea made of pure jelly, all for him to enjoy.  He swam in it, tasted it and even tried hugging it.  He felt his body reach a level of peace he had never reached before, not even with an invigorating nap or trip to the spa.  Suddenly, the jelly began swirling up in front of him.  At first, fear filled his very being, until the jelly began forming a beautiful image.  A mare, one with a perfect body, began to emerge from the jelly and faced him, revealing her luscious blue hair and dazzling blue eyes.  He felt his heart increase in its rhythm as she got closer and closer…

“Hugh!”

The voice reached the ears of the gray stallion slouched over at the assembly line, stirring him from his reverie.  Shaking his head slightly, he tried to remember where in Equestria he was exactly, before a hoof met his head in a series of knocks.

“Hello?  Equestria to Hugh Jelly!  Anypony home?”

Hugh quickly batted the hoof away and gave a slight smile.  “Isn’t that my line, Jar?” he replied.

Jar Jabinks chuckled softly.  He knew he wasn’t the cleverest pony, but he took solace in his jar crafting skills.  He was considered a master jar maker, as his cutie mark, a pile of pristine jars, could testify to.  Although he still couldn’t grasp what people meant when they said he must have crafted the head on his shoulders as well.

“Well, I can’t argue there.  Just wanted to know if you wanted to go grab a drink.  Me and some of the other dateless fellas down in crafting were gonna go out for a few at the end of the day.  You in?” he asked, leaning against the running conveyor belt and causing jars to continuously spill over and shatter on the floor.

Turning towards the jelly containers that held the very stuff that gave him his cutie mark, Hugh quickly answered.  “Sorry Jar, but I’ve got a date tonight and I don’t want to keep her waiting very long.”  He finished and began to drift into a dreamy thought about the one who had stolen his heart.

A thought that was interrupted by the sound of his friend’s jaw slamming on the floor.  “No way!  I don’t believe it.  Shy old Hugh Jelly finally getting a girl?  Wow man, well done.  Who’s the lucky lady?”  He asked leaning in, as if personal space was merely a myth.

“She’s a girl I met a few weeks ago.  She’s from some weird place.  You’ve probably never heard of it.”  Hugh replied, giving a trademark Jelly smirk.

“Alright, alright.  I may not be a genius, but I can tell when you don’t want to talk about it.  Still, congrats man.  Looks like your Hearts and Hooves Day will be a good one.”  A very unsubtle wink followed the word ‘one’ as Jar gave him a very elaborate elbow nudge.  Stealing a glance at a clock, Jar straightened out and ran off.  “Sorry man, I’ve got to jet!  My break ended a minute ago!” Hugh barely made out as his friend disappeared back into the confines of the jelly factory.  Finally turning towards the belt once more, Hugh noticed a series of eyes looking in his direction.  He also noticed the moderately large pile of shattered jars that had formed next to his station.

“Aw buck.”

After cleaning up the broken glass, filling countless other jars with high quality jelly and, for some reason, assisting the janitor and floor security guard in fighting off a twelve-foot jelly monster, Hugh heard the whistle that signified the end of the day.  Rushing to his locker, Hugh shelved his safety goggles and his hair net, letting his long, yellow mane flow freely.  Bending over, he picked up a small empty bag on the floor of his locker, shut the door and bolted outside.  He didn’t stop running until he approached his first destination, a shady looking building with a small sign that simply read “Lucy’s Latex”.  Glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, he darted inside and slowly approached the counter, glancing at all the accessories that were dangling from the walls of the shop.  Arriving at the vacant counter, he rang the small bell attached to the center.

A door behind the counter flew open, startling Hugh as a figure emerged through the door.  She was a young mare, covered in all sorts of piercings and carrying what appeared to be many latex objects.  Spitting them out, she took her position behind the counter and looked at who dared disturb her peace.  

“Welcome to Lucy’s Latex.  How can I help you?” she muttered dully.  Hugh quickly bolted up, and a spark of recognition flashed in the mare’s eyes.  “Hey, I remember you!  You’re the guy who ordered the…custom design.” She said, reaching over the counter to give him a little nudge.  

“Ah yeah.  That’s me.” was all Hugh replied, feeling the redness in his cheeks grow increasingly.  The mare reached below the counter and picked up a small box, wrapped delicately and professionally.  

“Here you go hun.  Made from the finest latex material I could get my hooves on. You’re going to have some real fun with that.  I guarantee it.” she promised with a wink.  “That’ll be 20 bits by the way.”  The mare gasped and nearly fell over as the bag of bits flew past her head.  Turning to the stallion, she blinked in silence as all that was left was a trail of dust leading out the door.

The sound of metal being forged echoed in Hugh’s ears as he arrived at his next location.  It was a large forgery, emitting smoke like a sleeping dragon’s home.  A large sign reading “MARVIN’S METALS” was hammered into the walls, making a foreboding display.  Swallowing slightly, Hugh pushed through the giant metal doors and began to approach the lone figure inside of the surprisingly empty building.  The rhythm of hammering steel was steady, almost as if it were a heartbeat, as it rang out from the one lone forge, with a single pony meticulously working at it.  Hugh slowly approached the pony and cleared his throat.  The pony immediately stopped, his focus broken by the intruding presence.  He slowly turned towards the offender and took off his goggles.  Seconds passed as if they were minutes.

“HUGH, MY BOY!” the old stallion finally exclaimed, before grabbing Hugh in a sudden, crushing hug.  “HOW ARE YOU?  HOW ARE YOUR FOLKS?"

“I’m…fine…MARVIN!” Hugh wheezed out as he escaped the elderly pony’s death grip.  "My parents are doing well too.  Off in Canterlot for some sightseeing and relaxation."

“Good!  Good!  How are your kids?  Little Bobby growing up to be a fine young stallion?” Marvin asked, digging through a trunk.

Hugh merely blinked.  “I...I don’t have any children, Marvin.”

The elderly stallion turned and gave a long, hard stare at Hugh. “RIGHT!  My mistake.”

Hugh could only watch in confusion as the eccentric and possibly senile pony dug through his dingy trunk.  He watched as he pulled out box after box, making a small pile that had to be larger than the box itself.  Before Hugh could question this violation of common logic, he was smacked square in the face with a small wooden box.

“Whoops, sorry about that Jack, my aim isn’t as good as it used to be!” the old pony chuckled.  “Anyways, that there is some of the finest craftsmanship I’ve had the pleasure of doing in quite some time.  You be careful with it now.”

Hugh opened the small box and his eyes twinkled with delight at its contents.  “Marvin, this is beautiful!  Thank you.”

“It was no problem Janet, no problem at all.  That’ll be 30 bits thou-.”  The stallion was interrupted as a bag of bits struck him in the face and knocked him down.  Recovering, he noticed that he was alone again.  He tossed the bag into his trunk and started placing all the other boxes back in.

“That Rainbow Flash fellow sure is a weird guy.”

Hugh ran for a good ten minutes before finally approaching his house and sneaking in as quietly as possible.  Reaching into the bag, he pulled out the two items he had obtained in his quest.  First, he pulled out his latex prize and put it on.  He looked in the large vanity mirror on his wall, noting how well the diving suit fit him.  Secondly, he dug back into his bag and pulled out the box.  Treating it as if it were the greatest of treasures, he carefully set it upon his table.  He opened it slowly and, with great care, pulled out the item within.  He turned back to the mirror, admiring how he looked in a diving suit with the custom-made steel spoon, elegantly engraved with his two initials.

“Oh yes, this will be quite a night.” he muttered to himself with a smirk on his face.

Hugh began to quietly creep upstairs.  He noticed that his door was slightly open and that the light was on, indicating a presence.  He also heard some gentle music and, thinking his guest was trying to set a mood, picked up his speed.  Stopping before the door, he did a mental countdown and opened the door, shutting down the music player with the knob on the other side.

“Oh, my little jellyfish, I’m here and ready for some fun!’ he shouted and made a pose which, he thought while he was posing in the mirror earlier that morning, would have the effect equivalent of setting off some arousing dynamite.  Noticing the silence that followed his spectacular entrance, Hugh opened one eye to see her reaction.

On his bed was a giant jar of blueberry jelly.  Inside of the jar was a giant piece of toast.

Hugh fell backwards in horror, dropping the spoon and rose shakily to his hooves.  His eyes pinpricks and his jaw trembling, he felt the air leave his lungs, as if it was trying to leave him and escape this terrible situation.  His voice was like a whimpering foal hiding under a table.  After five minutes of utter silence, he finally regained his voice.

“HARLOT!” he shouted. “STRUMPET!  SEDUCTIVE MINX!  DELICIOUS EVIL!  YOU…YOU…YOU CHEATER!”  He collapsed to the ground, exhausted of breath and propped himself up on a nearby dresser.

The jelly and toast remained still.

“I work my flank off for a decent wage every day, hoping to make enough to treat you the way I feel you deserve to be treated!  I’ve gotten you nice meals, gone to movies that you wanted to see and even bought you that fancy ornamental sticker.  THE SAME ONE I NOTICE YOU’RE WEARING AS YOU BREAK MY HEART!”  Hugh felt his vision falter for just a second as he fought back tears of both sorrow and rage.  Feeling a need to vent, he punched the mattress with unbound fury.

The toast in the jar moved very slightly.

The movement didn’t go unnoticed by Hugh.  “AND YOU!”  He had shifted back into anger and directed it all towards the crispy violator of his sweetheart.  “You DARE enter MY home for hoopla with MY girl and STILL remain?  HAVE YOU NO SHAME?”

A bit of jelly that was hanging on the edge of the toast slipped off and hit the bed with a small plop.

Hugh narrowed his eyes and started moving slowly to the toast.  “Oh, so now you’re mocking me.  You know what?  I’m a very peaceful stallion.  I don’t like violence.”  He positioned himself in front of the toast and scraped at the ground.  “I think I’ll make an exception this one time.”  With lightning speed, he threw a jab at the crunchy intruder, breaking off a small portion of the crust.

The toast bent under the punch, and a speck of toast flew off, hitting Hugh in the eye.

Hugh screamed in agony.  “I knew I should’ve bought the goggles too!” he thought as he backed into a mirror, shattering it and causing it to topple, breaking another mirror and a shelf filled with jelly jars, throwing red jelly all over Hugh’s head as he stumbled in pain.  Rubbing his eyes, Hugh slammed his hooves on the ground, shaking the whole house, and snorted.  “YOU DIRTY FIGHTER!” he bellowed as he began to charge.

The jar, unsettled from the stomp, fell over, coating the toast in a smothering amount of jelly.

Hitting the very thick glass jar, Hugh stumbled back a bit and growled as he rubbed his head.   Shaking off the pain, he gained his second wind and prepared to strike back, before noticing the protective cocoon of jelly on the bed.  Losing all sense of motivation, he collapsed on the bed in a sobbing mess.

“Why?  WHY?  Why have you forsaken me?  Was I not attentive enough?  Was I too attentive?  Is it my face?  My mane?  What’s wrong with me? ”  Consumed by sobs, no other words could escape his lips as he choked and gasped for air.

The jar began rolling towards the movement Hugh was making on the bed, still spilling out jelly.

Hugh noticed the room had become surprisingly darker.  And bluer.  Raising his head, he noticed he was covered in blueberry jelly.  “J-jellyfish?”  Before he could say anymore, a glob of jelly fell onto his face, leaving only his mouth exposed, which quickly turned into a smirk. “I love you too jellyfish.  Still, you broke my trust.  You went behind my back and cheated on me with another.  My heart is in a lot of pain.”  He began to wipe the jelly off.  “I don’t want us to end, but I don’t want another situation like this to come about again.  Maybe we can still make this work.  I…I want this to work.  I know we can make this work.”  He rose up and hugged the shapeless mass of jelly on the bed.  He soon faced the pile that contained the toast.  

“Now, as for you…”  He walked around to the other side of the bed, and got up in the toast’s split crust.  “I want you to leave now.  I don’t want you anywhere near my girl again.  If I do see you near her again…”  Hugh paused for a moment before running downstairs.  Grabbing a piece of bread, he tossed it in the toaster and waited.  A few minutes later, and with a golden brown piece of toast in his mouth, he raced upstairs and back to his position facing the toast.  He took his smaller toast and ripped it in half.  “That is what will happen to you.  Got it?”

Jelly slowly dripped off the toast, piling up on the floor.

“Good.”  Hugh, feeling worn out completely from the deal, stretched out.  Realizing he hadn’t used the restroom since his break at work earlier that day, he made his way towards the restroom.  “I’ve just got to go to the bathroom real quick, jellyfish, and then we can start talking about us.  I know we can make this work.  I can feel it.”

Hugh opened the door to the bathroom and turned on the lights.  The walls of the bathroom were coated with a creamy brown substance.  It was caked everywhere.  On the walls, on the floor and even on the sink, the color brown seemed to be painted on.  The smell was undeniable of what the substance was, and Hugh was frozen in horror.

In the middle of the room, wrapped in a towel, was a jar of peanut butter.

Officer Cuffs shook his head as he watched the medical ponies wheel out a pony on a wheelchair.  The pony was (for some Celestia-forsaken reason) wearing a scuba suit and covered in peanut butter, strawberry jelly, blueberry jelly and toast crumbs.  Passing by, he noticed the crazed pony was muttering something under his breath.  Leaning in slightly, all he could make out was “I can feel it.  I can feel it.  I can feel it…” before the pony was loaded into the cuckoo cart and hauled away.  Cuffs shook his head and continued on his way, heading inside the house to the scene of the ‘crime’.  Arriving at the room, he spotted his partner and gave him a small pat on the back.

“What a night, eh Hard?” he asked tiredly.

Hard Knocks rose his head up from his small notebook and took in the scene again.  The walls appeared to be coated in all kinds of jelly, ranging from strawberry and blueberry to apricot and even some kind of rainbow-colored stuff.  Broken glass littered the bed and floor, all covered in jelly.  More noticeably, a giant broken jar was on the bed, seemingly shattered from an intense impact.  Broken in half and seemingly destroyed was what could only be vaguely guessed at to be a piece of toast, although even that would be a stretch.  His eyes then wandered to the bathroom.  He still couldn’t believe that someone’s bathroom would even look like that.  He refused to believe that one of his junior officers actually licked the walls in front of him to test what the substance was.  Confirming it was peanut butter, a quick glance inside revealed a broken jar of peanut butter floating in the toilet and the final ‘victim’ of the night.

Hard rubbed his eyes and turned to his partner.  “You’re telling me Hank.  I don’t know if I should be relieved or pissed.”

Cuffs merely shrugged.  “I’m both honestly.  Getting a call that saying, ‘I killed them.  I killed them all.’, and finding out nobody is actually dead is a good thing.  Still, you expect there to be something wrong, not just some crazy jelly guy who had a bad night.  I mean, I missed out on family game night tonight.  I was finally going to win!  I could feel it!”

“I still don’t know how you lose to your daughter every night you play.”

“I think she cheats.”

“Ah.  Anyways, looks like we’re done here.  Let me just hand this report in to Lieutenant Mane and we can both head home.”

Out of the jelly madhouse, the officers found the Lieutenant standing in front of the house.  “Here you go Lieutenant, the report of the scene.  Even have some pictures for you.” Hard said passing along the notebook and an envelope.  There was an awkward silence as Mane read over the files.  A shuffling of papers signaled the end of the reading and the Lieutenant faced the house in rapt attention and another awkward silence followed.

Cuffs began to speak up, more to make an excuse for leaving than out of genuine concern.  “So, uh, Lieutenant, what do you think of this situation?”

“Yeah, sir, what do you think would make a pony snap like that?” Hard joined in.

Mane didn’t turn around and kept facing the building.  “Isn’t it obvious, officers?” he asked in a cool, collected voice.  “It was a crime of passion.”

Hard and Cuffs looked at each other, raised an eyebrow and then looked back at their lieutenant.  “Uh, passion sir?”

“Yes, officer.  It seems to me that their relationship”, Mane turned around and put on some sunglasses, “lacked preservatives.”  With his mind spoken, Lieutenant Mane turned around once more and trotted into the house.

Hard and Cuffs both looked at each other once more before finally shrugging and heading home.