"The Other Side" Chapter 9- Nightlife

"Your bottle of whatnow?" Pinkie Pie seemed like she was genuinely interested. She raised an eyebrow curiously, her teeth shining in one of her trademark smiles. If she had been smiling any harder, her face would have ripped in half.

"Shcrumpeh," Dylan slurred, a goofy grin spreading across his thickly bearded face.
He shrugged just as if it was the simplest thing to understand in the world. "Yeh know... Hooch? Boosch? A-Alchamerhaul? Nuffin'? Wait... s' tha' a cek? Cuzzif thass a cek... I'm gurna et it. Mmm... Cek. I luffs cek! S' not a lie dammit! Jus' an Eashtur egg.."

Dylan rambled on aimlessly for a moment before Rainbow Dash spoke.

"What the hay is this guy saying?!" The light blue pegasus' face was quirked in a look of incomprehension. "Is he-"

"YESH I'M DRUNK YA WALKIN' WEATHER PATTERN! Don't get yer' uh... wait... Poniesh dun wear underpansch... yeh dun really wear much... wait... Yer' all nekkid!" At this, the inebriated redhead burst into a fit of deep, boisterous laughter.

Pinkie Pie chuckled, Fluttershy blushed, and the rest just rolled their eyes.

"Come on, we need to get you indoors," Twilight Sparkle said with a small smile.

Fluttershy quietly urged Dylan to do the same.

"We don't want you catching cold..."

He looked at her for a moment. "Woman, this ain't cold. Coldsch when mah' hairy-ass nuts start growin' icicles. Thass cold. This... This is American weather. They got it sooooooo nice. Frickin' 'mericans.. Come up t' Cananananada an' they'll turn red white and blue fer' sure... Hehehe... Blue... Such a funny word... Blueblueblueblueblueblueblue... Hehehehe..."

Dylan walked inside, taking off his coat and folding it over his arm.

"That cake looks delicious. Demolitions. What? Demolitions?! Where?! THEY'RE GONNA BLOW UP THE CAKE! EVERYONE GET DOWN!"

Dylan dropped to the floor and covered his ears. His eyes were squeezed shut tightly, and his teeth were gritted.

"Leave the cake alone! It's Mr. Brain that you want! Damn you Mr. Brain! Damn you! You know I wanted to pack my bomb defusal kit to happy funny pony land, and you told me to pack the sandwiches! What good are sandwiches now?! You stupid stupid stupid organ! You're stupider than Mr. Tonsils! Don't. Get. Me. Started. On. Mr. Tonsils... Wait... The cake hasn't blown up?"

Everyone was snickering except for Pinkie Pie, who was attempting to break the sound barrier with her laugh.

"Damn you, Mr. Brain. Damn you."

"Come on, let's eat, sugar." Applejack lay her hoof on Dylan's shoulder, still snickering. "After a few drinks, yer' kinda like Pinkie."

"Whazzat supposed to mean, Applejack? I brought my bomb defusal kit... and my portal gun," Pinkie Pie said, completely serious.

"What in Equestria is a portal gun?" Rarity's question only made Pinkie's next answer even more confusing.

"It's an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, silly! You see-"

Pinkie Pie explained the workings of the device, to the complete confusion of everyone else present, excluding Dylan. Dylan was listening intently, his attention fully fixed on Pinkie Pie.

"How do yeh know all this?" Dylan asked, truly interested.

Pinkie Pie grinned, putting her hands on her hooves with pride. "GLaDOS told me after I baked her a cake!"

"B-but... That's a video game!"

"And we're a TV show. What's your point?"

"What?! The fuck are you talking about?"

"Nevermind. Chuckles! Get back on track, or I will kick your furry ass back to Canada!"

What the fuck... I didn't write that...

"CHUCKLES! NOW!"

OhshitohshitohshitohshitohSHIT. I knew this day would come. Initiating fourth wall defense system. ALL SYSTEMS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pinkie screamed, twitching for a second before returning to normal.

"What the fuck just happened to Pinkie?" Dylan's eyes were completely wide.

"TIME FOR CAKE, EVERYPONY! Yay!"

"I'm not a pony! I get no cake!"

"What? Of course you get cake!"

"I don't have hooves, a tail, a mane, or four legs. According to you, it is not my allotted cake time."

Pinkie sighed, shaking her head. "Fine. Cake time everybody!"

"Hoooo yeah. Cake ti-" Before Dylan could finish his sentence, he barely had time to notice the blur of motion streaking towards his face. The next thing he saw was the inside of a pink, wet mouth. Something had clamped itself around his head, and was sucking on his face. "OH FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I seen this movie! Get this fucking thing offa me! It's gonna lay eggs in my stomach!!!! Aaaaaaaaah!!! CUNTMUFFINS!!!!!!!" Dylan's voice was muffled by the green amphibian's mouth that was firmly gripping his face. He thrashed and ran around the room like a madman, knocking into tables and kitchen appliances. He was frantically trying to dislodge his attacker from his cranium, pulling with all of his might. "SAVE ME RIPLEY! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I AIN'T HOSTING NO ALIEN BABIES!"

Pinkie Pie was laughing uncontrollably, rolling around on the floor, along with the rest of the ponies, except for Fluttershy, who looked genuinely concerned. She gave her friends an angry withering stare, her eyes full of disgust. They flinched, then looked down at their hooves, realizing how insensitive they were being. Dylan was genuinely terrified. Something attempting to eat your face would do that to somebody. With a roar, Dylan ripped Gummy from his head and threw him violently away from him. Gummy landed harmlessly in a tub of flour nearby.

Dylan looked like he was about to kill something. His face was covered in sticky saliva, and his hair was no longer neat, but disheveled and unruly. He picked up a nearby rolling pin and glanced around, holding the implement like a baseball bat. He spied the flour-covered alligator and immediately shouted out a battle cry. "DADDY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS!" He ran towards Gummy with his rolling pin above his head. He was about to pulverize the scaly face-eater when suddenly Fluttershy jumped between them.

"Stop!"

He was so shocked and so determined not to hit her that he literally threw himself out of the way. He slammed to the floor and rolled a few feet before stopping. He groaned in pain before trying to stand. He slowly rose, the rolling pin still clutched in one hand.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Fluttershy yelled this into Dylan's slime-covered face. He did not seem pleased.

"I'M TRYING TO KILL THE DAMN THING THAT TRIED TO EAT MY FACE!" He spat this, grinding his teeth in agitation. He was now standing fully, and he towered over the Butter-colored pegasus.

"That's Pinkie's pet! You can't just kill it!"

"She keeps a crocodile as a pet?!"

"ALLIGATOR!" Pinkie's interruption momentarily stunned the two, who looked at the obviously crazy pink pony for a moment before continuing.

"Yes. Now stop trying to kill him! He's just a baby!"

"A baby killing machine!"

"He doesn't know any better!"

"That doesn't change any-"

The alligator now made his way towards them, who turned and looked at him. He sat at Dylan's feet, staring up at him with pleading blue eyes.

"See! He's apologiz-"

Gummy shot upwards towards Dylan's face again, jaws open wide.

"FUCKNUTS!" Dylan yelled as he swung the rolling pin, his muscles tensing as his brought the rolling pin directly into... Gummy's jaws. The alligator clamped onto the pin with a wet thuck.

"HE TRIED TO EAT MY FACE! AGAIN!" He swung the pin frantically, eagerly trying to remove his toothless adversary. "Get off! Git! Dang varmint! Leggo a' my eggo! Shit! I mean rolling pin!"

"Oh... I guess he wasn't apologizing..."

Pinkie Pie began laughing again, holding her sides as she giggled raucously. "Get him Gummy! Get him! Eat his face!"

"STOP ENCOURAGING THE LITTLE BASTARD!"

After a minute of this, Dylan sagged noticeably, his energy depleted. Gummy looked tired as well. Both of them collapsed to the ground wordlessly. Dylan kicked the fiesty alligator away with a tired leg as he tried to devour his shoes. "Can we... Have... That... Cake... Now?" Dylan panted, barely able to speak over his exhaustion. "I could eat a hors- HORSERADISH! Yeah! Horseradish!" He chuckled nervously.

They finally settled down for cake, much to Dylan's delight. The disgusting oatmeal was all he had eaten that day, and that was in the morning. Needless to say, he was hungrier than he had been in a long time. His family hadn't been poor, but the atmosphere was. Every day felt like a war against his father's hurtful words, his laziness, and how disgusting he truly was. He was glad his father was dead. He was even more pleased that he had killed him. But for the moment, he simply wanted to eat. A lot of his "drunkenness" was just him trying to be funny, to act stupid or to make people laugh. Most of it anyways...

Pinkie Pie set a plateful of cake in front of him with a smile, "Eat up! Yum yum yum! You deserve it!" The cake was the same cake from the day before, and the words in the icing were still readable. He smiled for a second, then almost without warning began snarfing down the cake. He literally sent pieces of his slice flying across the table, eating feverishly.

The cake tasted amazing. It was one of the best cakes Dylan had ever eaten, actually. It was moist, not too sweet, and it had just the right texture. Dylan groaned in pleasure, murmuring with his mouthful of cake.

"S' GUD! S' RLLUH GUD!"

Rarity looked at Dylan, scoffed, and shook her head.

"Such manners!"

Dylan turned to her, stood, and put on his best Scottish accent. "Meh apologies, lassie. It weren't meant t' offend yeh. Aye simpleh' kinna' wait any longer!"

Rarity raised an eyebrow, reconsidering the red haired human. "Apology accepted. But please, don't talk with your mouth full, if you will. It's quite impolite."

"Aye. I'm sorreh'. T'wont appen' agin', yer' ladyship." He bowed somewhat comedically, then proceeded to inhale the rest of his cake. He made sure to swallow before speaking again.

"More! Its the best cake I've ever eaten! I swear, Pinkie, my mouth is having an orgasm!"

"It's... what?!?!" Rarity answered before Pinkie Pie could.

"It's havin' an orgasm."

"I... I heard the first time. Why that word?! It's hardly a word to use while eating."

"Well... Let's see... Hmm... I lost control of my taste buds, my mouth is secreting stuff everywhere, and it feels so good."

"Well, I never!" Rarity gasped, humphing in irritation.

Dylan mockingly raised his hand to his mouth and gasped.

"Dear God! You've never orgasmed?!"

He leaned in to whisper, although he knew they would all hear anyways.

"I can help you out with that... If you like." He winked, grinning mischievously.

Rarity gasped, her hoof slapping Dylan across the face.

"Ow. Oh..." He grinned even wider. "You like it like that... Interesting. I never expected this from the fancy one."

Rarity's jaw dropped and she began to splutter incoherently, trying to think of a comeback. There was a sproing sound from across the table. Everyone was laughing. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were complete maniacs, totally unable to control themselves. Applejack and Twilight were snickering quietly, trying to contain their laughter. Fluttershy had ducked under the table for some reason, but a quiet giggling could be heard from under the table. Dylan looked under the table to see what Fluttershy was doing. Apparently she was having another - for lack of a better word - 'wingboner'. Dylan raised his head from under the table, smiling again. "That. Was. Awesome!" Rainbow Dash squealed between laughs, rocking back in her chair with glee.

"I am awesome..." Dylan stated, crossing his arms and resettling in his chair.

After the joke at her expense, Rarity was annoyed and embarrassed at first, but now secretly found the whole thing funny, quietly snickering to herself. She smiled as she watched Applejack and Rainbow dash arm wrestling at the table. Fluttershy was quietly sitting in her chair, sipping at a cup of hot chocolate, quietly fantasizing about something. She was blushing to herself; at whatever she was thinking about. Pinkie Pie was dancing to some music with Gummy, who was moving his tail from side to side in enjoyment. Twilight was talking to Dylan, asking him more questions that she hadn't had the opportunity to before. She had her notebook and pen levitating in front of her, and she scratched down notes from time to time.

"I'll never get used to that. Never."

"Oh, well... I could stop if you wanted."

"No. No, that's fine. It just... Weirds me out. Anyways, what's your next question?"

"Hmm... Where are you from? In your world, that is."

"Canada. It's cold, it's wild, and it's big. I lived in the west, on the plains. I miss the plains... So wide, so open, so... free."

"Hmm. Okay, got it. Sounds amazing! Anything interesting about Canada?"

"Well... we're generally considered one of the nicest countries in our world. We tend to say 'sorry' to just about everything. We get made fun of quite a bit, but it's alright... We know that they're just jealous cause' we're the best country in the world."

"Alright, then. What do you like?"

"Books."

"Really! I'm a librarian, you know!"

"We already went over this. I'm a writer, remember?"

"Oh... Whoops. Hmm... How long does your species live?"

"We can live to be about a hundred, but that's rare. We usually live to be about eighty or so."

"That's a lot longer than ponies! How old are you?"

"Eighteen. How old are you?"

"Twenty-one. Wow... You look... Old for your age."

"Everyone tells me that. Seriously. Is it the beard? I dunno. I think it might be how I speak. People don't generally associate words of wisdom with teenagers."

"Humans must mature faster than ponies."

"They must... How old is Fluttershy?"

"She's twenty-two." Dylan looked like he was thinking about that for a moment.

Four years older than me?! She doesn't seem that old...

"Next question. How many humans are there on your world?"

"Seven billion."

Twilight's jaw snapped open so fast that her tongue lolled out.

"Seven billion?!"

"Yeah. We, uh... breed fast, I guess. How many ponies are there on this world?"

"Only a few million..."

"Well that's a good thing. Overpopulation and too much resource demand is fucking up my world bigtime. Not to mention that seven billion angry people that hate each other ain't a pleasant prospect, either."

"Wha... Wow. I guess you're right. Uh... So, what's your family like?"

Dylan's eyes narrowed, growing dark and morose. He turned his head away from Twilight, raising a hand to shield his face.

"I... Don't wanna talk bout' it."

Twilight gave him a curious and excited expression. "Come on, you can tell me!"

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

"Are you sure? I really need to lear-"

"No."

"Wh... Why can't you tell m-"

His next response was a growl, and it didn't sound human.

"NO!"

He looked straight into her eyes as a flash of rage erupted across his features. His knuckles gripped the table so hard they turned bone-white, and his teeth were bared viciously at his equine interrogator. He stood, pushing his chair backwards with a loud creak. He leaned across the table towards Twilight, snarling like a mad dog. Everyone had turned in shock to look. Twilight herself lurched back in fear, her eyes those of a prey animal just before the hunter struck. She tried to speak clearly, but all she could do was stutter.

"I-I-I-I d-d-didn't m-m-mean t-to u-u-upset y-you!"

Dylan glared at her for another moment, then sat back down. He continued to watch her intently, but the rage left his eyes.

"I... I'm sorry. Just... Don't ask about my family. Please..."

Everyone looked shocked, but they continued their activities after a moment, except for Rainbow Dash, who got up quickly and walked up to Dylan.

"Hey! You don't get to yell at her like that! You... You jerk!"

Dylan's head snapped towards Rainbow Dash, and the growl came once again from his throat. He stood, towering over the rainbow-named pegasus by at least a foot. He looked straight into her eyes, glaring into the ruby-red orbs with fury in his own ocean blue ones.

"You wanna start something?" He said this slowly and deliberately, letting his words sink in. He smiled; it was not one of happiness or amusement. "Or... Are you gonna mind your own business?"

"Oh, it's on! Bring it two-legs!" Dylan was about to send his fist hurtling into her chin, but he felt something grab his arm. He turned, expecting Twilight to have stepped in. It wasn't Twilight. It was Fluttershy. She had her hoof on his arm, and was looking into his eyes pleadingly, the beginnings of tears forming.

"P-please... Don't."

He started to bring his other arm up to swing at her. Dylan was about to growl again, but his heart lurched in his chest. The fury drained from him, like poison from a wound. His face stared in What... What was I about to do? Oh... Oh... God... He shook her hoof from his arm and sprinted out of Sugarcube Corner. He barely stopped to open the door.

He ran through the streets of Ponyville, dodging around frightened residents, who were taking their nightly strolls. He barely registered them, giving only one thing his unmitigated focus: GETTING AWAY FROM HER. GET AWAY! GET AWAY! RUN! You... You... It's... What... What am... I? His every muscle ached, screaming in protest; at his rapid movement, and what he had almost done.

He was out of town within a minute, panting and shaking at the top of a hill overlooking the town below. He stared at the lights below, at the townsfolk unknowingly living in the vicinity of...

A monster... That's what I am... That's... That's what I am. I'm a monster. A MONSTER!

There was a tree on the top of the hill, and he turned to it with a snarl. He struck out at it, his scream of anguish breaking the silence of the night. His first blow simply bruised his hand, cutting jagged lines into his flesh. He yelled again, saliva flying from between his open teeth. The second sent several pieces of bark pirouetting into the darkness. He bellowed, the tendons in his neck tensing and bulging at the sides of his throat. The third sent a web of cracks shooting up and down the treetrunk. He roared as loud as he could, his human lungs warping and twisting into something... inhuman. His fourth punch literally split the tree in half, the top half fell backwards down the hill, the sound of cracking branches and rustling leaves filling the air. He stood and panted, staring in shock at the two halves of the tree. Dylan's heart seemed to skip a beat.

I AM.

He looked down at his hands. The flesh was torn and ragged, exposing the flesh beneath. He felt broken bones, ripped muscles, torn tendons. He watched them all form back into place. Skin knitted back together, bone fused as if it had never broken... It was as if it had never happened. He stared intently at his hands, turning them over to inspect them; They were perfectly healed.

He quickly threw off his coat, jacket and shirt. He could feel the cool night air wash across his battle-scarred skin. He ripped away the bandages to see the unbelievable happen once again; his wounds regenerated before his very eyes. Flesh grew where none should have, the cells multiplying impossibly. He stood there frozen for a moment.

He looked up into the sky, searching for something. Something urged him, commanded him to look, to find it. He saw it; The moon. He took a breath, deep and long, then released it forcefully. He howled. He howled like a beast, pouring forth his emotion towards the beautifully pure whiteness of the moon. He slowly looked back down towards the town below. He redressed himself and headed back towards the town. He knew what he was now, and he had accepted it.

Fluttershy was miserable. After Dylan had stormed out, she had explained that Dylan didn't want to talk about his family. 'Did he tell you?' Rainbow Dash had asked. Fluttershy told her she had, but that she was the only one Dylan had wanted to tell. Rainbow Dash pushed and prodded, but Applejack defended Fluttershy and Dylan. She was still extremely grateful for what he had done. After a while, Rainbow Dash became silent. Twilight felt horrible for pushing him too hard, trying to ask Dylan a question he didn't want to answer.

Everyone was feeling terrible by the time the door to Sugarcube Corner opened again. When it did, Dylan stepped through, looking completely calm.

"I'm sorry."

Everyone jumped at the sound of his voice, turning to stare at him. His hands were dripping blood on the floor. "Y-you're bleeding!" Twilight stated, pointing a hoof towards his hands.

"Oh my gosh! You... You hurt yourself! Let me help!" Fluttershy was no longer miserable, but concerned. It took only moments for her to fly over to Dylan and examine his hands. She found no wounds, only blood. "N-no cuts?!"

"Huh? I didn't realize there was still blood on my hands."

"From what?"

"Oh. I had a few cuts."

"That's a lotta blood fer' a few cuts, hun," Applejack spoke up, trying to make sense of the situation.

"That's horrid! You simply must tell us what happened, darling!" Rarity's statement was answered almost immediately.

"I had to vent my anger on something... It's better than someone." He looked at Rainbow Dash irritatedly for a moment; she backed away and hung her head in shame.

"I... I didn't know that... Twilight was bugging you. I just thought-"

"Don't jump to conclusions. It's all right now, but don't do that again."

"Are you okay? Are you sure you don't need cheering up?" Pinkie Pie quirked her head, gazing at Dylan with a knowing look.

"I could use some cheering up, yeah. How about... Rainbow Dash arm-wrestles me?" Rainbow Dash looked incredulous for a second, then eager.

"Don't you mean hoof-wrestle?"

"Do you see any hooves?" Dylan stretched out his arms, turning them in front of her.

"I... No... You think you can beat me?"

"Yeah. I just gotta wash my hands."

He washed off the blood, then sat back down at the table. He faced his opponent. The lithe, well-toned cyan pegasus looked cocky.

No one beats me at this... No one. He doesn't stand a chance. Rainbow Dash thought confidently.

Dylan reached out his arm, bracing his elbow on the table. Rainbow Dash extended her hoof, a smile stretching across her face.

"Ready?"

She barely took a second to answer, "I'm always ready!"

Dylan grinned, grasping her hoof in his calloused fingers.

"Alright. On three. One... Two.. Three..." Rainbow Dash immediately began to flex her foreleg, pushing against Dylan's grip. His arm stood completely still. Rainbow Dash's hoof was trembling, shaking under the massive effort she was putting into pushing her opponent's arm down. She looked up at his face as she continued to strain. She saw that he was smiling. There wasn't a single drop of sweat on his forehead. His grin grew larger, and he gestured with his chin towards himself.

"Come on. That all ya got? I thought you were 'always ready'? Should we do this another time?"

"Nnngh... No! I haven't even started yet! And you're not even trying!"

"Oh?" Dylan smirked, then winked at the weathermare. He threw her arm down so quickly and so forcefully that she rolled out of her seat and fell to the floor with a thump. Everyone watching looked dumbstruck; They were completely silent. "Trying now?"

She looked furious.

"Y-you... You cheated!"

"How?" Dylan shrugged, raising his hands up into the air as if asking the Divine. "How'd I cheat?"

Rainbow Dash mulled this over for a moment, biting her lip in desperation.

"Y... You put something in my cake!"

"What?! So... I put something in your cake... Even though it was baked when I was unconscious in a hospital? Even though I didn't plan to arm wrestle you? And even though I didn't know what slice of cake I was gonna get?"

"Uhh..."

"I guess I won fairly."

"Well butter me up an' call me a biskit'! He actually won!" Applejack sounded surprised but pleased.

"Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit!"

"Pardon?"

"Dip it all in mashed potatoes?"

"Sugar, you ain't making' any sense..."

"Dip the mashed potato covered nugget in a biscuit in the barbecue saaaaaaaaaauce! WHEEEEOOOOOO!"

"Ya' lost me..."

"Heh. It's an Earth thing. I'm still hungry... Hey Pinkie, got any more stuff to eat?"

"Hey! I want a rematch!" Rainbow Dash yelled, putting her arms on her hips.

"Pffft... Sore loser." Dylan grinned, crossing his arms.

"Yep yep yepperoo! We got lots of goodies!" Pinkie Pie was bouncing happily, gesturing to a table at the back of the restaurant.

"Sweet."

Dylan ate with a vigor that once again made Rarity cringe. Once again, he couldn't help it. Pies, cakes, doughnuts, cookies, pastries, cupcakes, danishes; all were consumed ravenously by Dylan. Pinkie Pie and the Cakes seemed very happy that Dylan liked their food so much.

"Oh mah gawsh. Thisch id shum a' da bhest food ib ebber tashtid," he said through a full mouth.

"Oh, why thank you dearie!" Mrs. Cake said pleasantly.

Her husband smiled and spoke up as well. "We're glad you enjoy it!"

Dylan swallowed, then shot an apologetic look to Rarity and mouthed I'm sorry. I forgot.. He turned back to the Cakes and smiled warmly.

"I'd be happy t' come back again an' actually pay for it, It's definitely worth the money. I'm just glad I got something to eat; I was starting t' think my ribs'd start showin'." The Cakes smiled and nodded.

Mrs. Cake spoke again, "We'd be happy to have you back any time, sweetie."

"Oh oh oh! Would you like to try out my new recipe!?" Pinkie Pie seemed to almost teleport directly in front of Dylan. He jumped in his chair, twitching in surprise.

"GAH! Uh... What's your recipe?"

The Cakes looked concerned, staring at each other with knowing expressions.

"You don't have to-" Mr. Cake started to say, but was cut off by the hysterical pink party pony.

"Eee! It's my superchocolatefivealarmcupcakesupreme!"

"Five alarm... Cupcake?"

"Oh yeah! Hot sauce! I love hot sauce! It's awesomeamazingfantastic!"

"I like hot sauce! I crave spicy foods like crazy!"

"Oh good! I'llberightbackwithyourfoodanditwillbesooooooooodeliciousthatyouwillgocraaaaaazy!"

"Breathe, Pinkie. Breathe."

Pinkie Pie returned with the cupcake. It was chocolate with chocolate icing, with a cherry on top. The whole thing was drizzled with hot sauce. Hot sauce. Dylan stared at it for a moment, then grasped it and held it up to his face. He stared at his chocolatey adversary, wondering what he had got himself into. Without hesitation, he chomped a large bite out of the cupcake. He chewed for a moment, then his eyes flew wide open and began to water. He opened his mouth wide... And began stuffing the rest of the cupcake into his mouth. He groaned, laughing between bites. A crazed look passed between Pinkie Pie and Dylan before he spoke.

"You got any more hot sauce?!"

"Of course, silly!" She produced a large bottle from her mane. It had a large black label on it with a whit skull and crossbones, but in cartoonish style. She passed him the bottle, grinning happily. Dylan held the bottle in his hands for a moment, then twisted the lid off. Everyone thought he would pour more hot sauce onto the cupcake. They were shocked when he raised the bottle to his lips and began to chug it down. Their eyes almost popped out of their heads, except for Pinkie Pie, who would've made a good substitute for the Cheshire Cat. Dylan downed the last of the bottle, slamming it down on the table with a clunk noise. He sighed, the corners of his mouth turning upwards.

"HAWT SAWSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! EEEEEYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH! I put that shit on everything." Everyone except Pinkie Pie and Dylan stared on in utter amazement.

After a few minutes, Dylan migrated towards the punchbowl. He didn't really need to wash down the hot sauce; he was just thirsty. Upon arriving at said punch bowl, he took a glass from beside it and ladled spoonfuls of punch into his glass. He turned and began to walk back to his table, but stopped when he heard a large splash.

"Hahaha! The punch has been Spiked! Again!"

Twilight was laughing and pointing at the punchbowl, in which sat a purple lizard, who had a disappointed look on its face.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't get it..." Dylan said, scratching his neck.

Dylan walked towards the finned lizard, took a sip from his punch, and leaned in to look closer at it. "Twilight, is this your iguana? Iguaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaa! Hey! Yooooohooo!"

"AAAAH! WHAT'RE YOU?!"

"I iz your worst nightmare."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!"

"Naw. Just kidding! I'm a human. "A... A... Human?"

"Yeah. What might you be, my scaly compadre?"

"I'm a... I'm a dragon!"

He puffed out his chest when he said this, trying to look imposing.

"A dragon? Hmm... Strangely enough that's not as unbelievable as talking ponies."

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"Uh... What's your name?"

"I'm Dylan. Dylan MacLauchlan."

"Funny name... Dylandylandylandylandylan-" He was quickly cut off by a hand being clamped over his snout. Dylan shook his head before removing his hand.

"That's really rude, and annoying."

"Oh... Sorry..."

"Your name?"

"It's Spike!" Dylan stood there for a second, deep in thought. He ran his hand through his beard, his face a frown. Spike was about to ask what he was thinking, but Dylan broke out laughing.

"HAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I GET IT! But seriously... Alcohol."

Sugarcube Corner wasn't especially known for its alcoholic beverages, so the group proceeded to migrate out of the restaurant. Spike was told by Twilight to go back to the library.

"Awww... Why?"

"We're clubbin', ya wee lizard," Dylan smiled, playfully tousling the dragon's head-fins with a chuckle. "and I'm pretty sure you ain't old enough to drink."

"T-Twilight! I wanna goooooo... Please?"

"Sorry, Spike. This is adults only."

"Grr... I wish I wasn't so young..."

"Kid, you won't be sayin' that when puberty hits... If dragon puberty is anything like human puberty..."

"Pu-pubertree?"

"Puberty. You know, the acne, the growth spurts, the voice cracking, the attraction to the opposite sex?"

"Eww... Girls?!"

"Uh... Yeah... Unless you float the other way, there ain't any other way to go." "What's that mean?" Twilight shot Dylan a disapproving look, to which he shrugged and scratched his neck.

"You're telling me there's no sexy lady-dragon you've got the hots for? Nobody?"

"I... Uh..."

"Oh you horny little bugger! Who is she?"

"I don't have horns..."

"Yeah... What's with that? You an aquatic dragon? That would explain the lack of wings."

"I don't know..."

"Wait a minute... Back to the important stuff. Who you got a crush on, lover boy?"

"Err... Um... I..."

"Aw, I'm just yankin' yer' chain. You don't have to tell me! Seeya, Spike."

"Uhh... Yeah! Seeya!" Spike walked away, heading in the direction of the library.

They arrived at the club, laughing and talking amongst themselves.
The building that housed the club was large, but short, and a single line lead to the front doors of the club. At the doors stood a massively-built stallion who checked names off of a list attached to his clipboard. He was just in the act of kicking a scrawny-looking colt out of the line when they arrived at the front doors. The stallion pushed the smaller pony out of the line and turned to the group. His voice was low-pitched and grumbling,

"Names, please..."

"Pinkie Pie! Me and my friends have reservations!"

"W-wait... You're Pinkie Pie! Why the hay didn't I recognize you? Go right on in."

The ponies walked inside, Dylan following. The stallion stepped in his way before he could enter. He gave Dylan an angry look, gritting his teeth.

"Where do you think you're going, freak?" At the last word, Dylan snarled, his hands curling into fists.

"I'm with them."

"You? No way. Get outta the line."

"Make me, jackass. I'm friends with them, you know... The ones you just let in?"

"You're a liar. I don't like liars..." The stallion snorted angrily, pawing at the ground with his hoof.

"I'm no liar... Move." Dylan's word was a growl, rolling from deep in the back of his throat.

"I said, GET OUTTA THE LINE FRE-" The stallion didn't finish, as he was launched three feet into the air, a handful of teeth scattering outwards from his face. He landed hard against the earth, sending clumps of dirt flying as he hit the ground. The stallion didn't get up. Dylan lowered his fist, which was pointing upwards. The uppercut he had just thrown into the doorman's jaw didn't hurt his hand at at all. He barely even felt it ache. He smirked, spat at the stallion lying on the ground, and proceeded inside.

Inside the club, music was pounding from a network of speakers on a stage to one side of the enormous room. On the stage was Vinyl Scratch, whose DJ name was "DJ PON3". She was working a pair of turntables and bopping her head to the music. The rhythmic electronic beat pulsing from the stage was mesmerizing. Almost all of the club's occupants were bopping their heads, dancing, pumping their fists in the air, or otherwise enjoying the music.

On the other side of the room was the bar. It was fully stocked; bottles of every alcohol imaginable lined the shelf on the back wall. A tall black unicorn with a blue mane was the bartender. His cutie mark was a glass with a pair of ice cubes inside. He had what looked like a soul-patch on his chin. He smiled as Pinkie Pie and the others walked up to him.

"Ah, Pinkie! How's my favorite party animal?"

"I'm fantabutastic!"

"Can I get you girls anything?"

"Yes please! We'll have the usual. And my new friend will have..."

"The strongest you got."

"Ah! A real stallion! I'll get it-" The unicorn now saw Dylan, as he had spoken to him without looking. "Uh... I'll..."

"What?! Just cause' I'm not a pony, everyone thinks I'm some sorta freakjob or something?!"

"Wha... No! It's just I haven't seen one of your kind before. What's your name?" Dylan warmed up somewhat, smiling and reaching out his hand. The unicorn and human shook, Dylan's jovial grin returning.

"Dylan. Yours?"

"Top Shelf. I'll get you your drink. I just hope you can hold it back, though."

"Oh, I can. I can."

Top Shelf levitated a number of bottles and glasses off of the back wall. Fluttershy, Twilight and Rarity had lighter drinks, fruity cocktails and the like. Pinkie Pie had some strange colored drink that Dylan had never seen before. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had hard drinks, although not as hard as his. Top Shelf levitated a large glass of clear looking liquid towards him.

"Vodka?"

"Yeah. Straight from Stalliongrad."

"St... Wait... Not Stalingrad?"

"Uh... No."

"Huh..."

"Let's see if you can take it."

"How much do I owe you?" Dylan fished around in his pocket for the bag of bits, but Top Shelf shook his head. He grinned, laughing heartily.

"I like you. First drink's on the house."

"Thanks!"

How the hell does anyone in this town stay in business?

Without another thought, Dylan grabbed the glass and raised it over his head.

"To friends."

The six mares echoed him, raising their glasses.

"To friends!"

Dylan threw the vodka back like it was nothing. He gave a slight twitch, then grinned. His throat burned, and his teeth were chilled, but he enjoyed the sensation. He gave a grunt of approval and a hearty chuckle.

"How's that?" Top Shelf looked on with a pleased expression.

"Like I said, a real stallion."

"Man. A real man. I'm a human."

"Ah! So that's what you are. A real man." They smiled at each other, and Dylan reached into his pocket. He put a pair of bits in front of top shelf.

"S'a tip."

"Thanks, man. You're all right." Top Shelf took the bits and put them into a cash register on the other side of the bar.

"Heh. Guess so." Dylan grinned, nodded at Top Shelf, and walked towards the dance floor.

After about an hour of dancing, talking and all-around partying, Dylan headed back to the bar. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were dancing, although Fluttershy's movements were less energetic than the pink earth pony's. Twilight, Applejack and Rarity were all chatting with Vinyl Scratch, who had taken a break and let her backup DJ play onstage. Rainbow Dash was sitting at one of the barstools, sipping on what appeared to be a glass of cola. Dylan sat down on the stool next to her.

"Hey, why're you sittin' by yourself?"

Rainbow Dash turned and looked at him with nervous eyes. "Oh... I was just tryin' t' think, you know."

"I didn't see you as the contemplative type. You seem more like the 'kickin' butt and gettin' stuff done' kinda girl, er... Filly."

"Hehe. Yeah, I guess you could say that." Her eyes twinkled with pride and she placed a hood on his arm.

"I... Uh..." He saw now that a bottle of rum rested next to the glass of cola. "Are you... drunk?"

"W-what makes you say that?" She wobbled in her seat, giving him a playful smile. "I'm too awesome to let a couple a'... Glasses... of... Um... Yes. I'm drunk. Whasscha problem? Neverrr talked to a drunk filleh befirr?"

"Uh... Yeah. I'm not completely sober myself." He was right; his vision was blurry and his thoughts came slowly to him. He had drunk more than one glass of vodka, coming back for a few more drinks. His pocket felt a little lighter, but he'd get more money tomorrow, anyways.

"How's yer... mane all those pretty colors?"

"I was... born with thisch colorful work of artichoke on my head. Isn't it aweschum?"

"Itsch pretty awesome... Hey, you know what?

"What?"

"I know all of yer' friends jobs...- REST IN PEACE, STEVE!- ... except yours. What do you do? Do you arm wrestle for a living? Cause if you do, you're doing it wrong." Dylan grinned mischievously, winking at Rainbow Dash. She hit him in the shoulder playfully, giving him a cocky look.

"Oh, we'll have a rematch... When I... Sober... Up. Ah... Aren't the lights in here pretty?" She was looking up at the multicolored spotlights that danced around the room. They played across the crowd inside of the club; the already colorful ponies complementing and blended beautifully with the light.

"Yeah... Wait... What do you do? You didn't answer my question."

"Oh... I'm in charge of Ponyville's weather."

"COOL! You mean you make it rain and snow and shoot lightning and stuff? That's awesome."

Rainbow Dash nodded sheepishly, slightly embarrassed at the complements. She took another sip of her rum and cola, glancing out of the corner of her eye at Dylan.

He's... Cool... I like him...

Her thoughts made way for her to speak again. "Thanks. I am awesome, aren't I?"

"If Chuck Norris had a pony, you'd be the one."

"That's cool!... Who's... Chuck Norris?"

Dylan looked reverently towards the ceiling, a look of awe on his face. "The greatest mortal man to ever live... Besides you, Jesus! You my main man, bro!"

"Sweet. What's he good at?"

Dylan turned to Rainbow Dash with joy and wonder. His eyes went wide with excitement and he smiled. "Everything!" Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped, and she lifted her drink up to her mouth. She took a slow sip with her straw before speaking.

"That's..."

"Yeah. I know. AWESOME."

"Exactly!" The two laughed, and Rainbow Dash began to tip backwards. Her arms flailed as she realized she was going to fall.

"Aah! Hel-"

Dylan caught her, his arm shooting out instinctively. He pushed her back into her seat gently. She sighed, shuddering gratefully.

"Th-thanks..."

"No problem."

She stared into his eyes for a moment, a warm feeling burning in her chest.

He... Wow...

She could barely think, her brain still recovering from the near-fall.

At that moment, three ponies -all pegasai- walked up to the bar. They all had shaggy hair. It was so unruly that you couldn't see their eyes.

"Well if it isn't Rainbow Crash! How are you, ya' big klutz?"

As soon as he heard his arrogant, pompous voice, Dylan hated him. Insulting his new friend only made Dylan hate him more.

"Yeah! What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be flying into a mountain somewhere?" The second one said. He was obviously not the leader.

The third one patted him on the back with a hoof. "Good one!"

Rainbow Dash shrunk towards the bar, trying to move away from them.

"L-leave me alone, you guys..."

"Or what? Are you gonna fall on us?" This resulted in some laughs from the trio.

"Hey, you. The Justin Bieber lookalikes. She wants you to leave her alone."

"Ooooooh! Hey guys, Rainbow Crash's got a coltfriend! And he's a freak!"

"I didn't realize she was like that... I thought she liked fillies!"

"Heh, yeah. Move it, creep." The leader moved closer, motioning for Dylan to leave.

"No. Fuck off, asshole." Dylan growled, swiveling in his stool to face the three of them.

The leader's mouth opened in disbelief for a moment, then closed, becoming an angry frown.

"What'd you call me?"

"An asshole. I'd say from all that shit coming out of your ugly little mouth that I'm right."

Rainbow Dash looked fearful now. She tugged on Dylan's sleeve, trying to get his attention.

"Let's just go... Come on..."

"No. I got this." Dylan got off of his stool, standing at his full hieght of 6'3". His muscles tensed and twisted under his clothing, preparing for what he was sure would happen next.

"Hey, look! The freak is standing up for Gaybow Trash!" All three laughed at this last sentence.

Dylan roared furiously, slamming his fist into the side of the leader's face. The pegasus literally hurtled like a rocket across the floor - at least twenty feet - and struck the wall. The other two jumped backwards.

"Oh buck! Get him!" They both rushed him at the same time, but Dylan jumped, his powerful legs propelling him upwards and forwards. He landed directly on top of the surprised heads of his attackers. He rolled over them, coming to a rest several feet behind them.

"What the hay?!"

Before the one who said this could react, Dylan kicked him viciously from the rear. The face of the Pegasus slammed directly into the side of the bar. He heard teeth shattering and cartilage cracking. The other pegasus whirled and swung his hoof at Dylan, yelling angrily. The blow connected squarely with the human's face.

He simply smiled as the blow did absolutely nothing. His attacker struck out at him again, cursing at the top of his lungs. Dylan caught his hoof, grinned malevolently, and then squeezed with all of his might. He heard bones crack. The Pegasus cried out in pain, right before Dylan pulled him close and swung his head directly towards his opponent's face. Dylan's forehead slammed into his enemy's snout, which drew another cry of pain from his victim. Immediately after headbutting him, Dylan lifted him up with both hands and threw him angrily towards a cluster of tables. There was a shatter and a crack as the wounded Pegasus crashed right on top of a table fully-laden with glasses and plates. This incited the wrath of a rather brutish-looking earth pony. He pushed the pegasus off of the table and charged at Dylan. He bellowed furiously. Dylan charged as well, roaring like an animal. He lowered his head and shoulders, preparing to slam into the large equine barreling towards him.

What would have been expected was for the earth pony to knock the human clear across the club. What happened was entirely unexpected; The earth pony was sent flying backwards, the angry human ramming him away like he was nothing. The pony landed among even more tables, angering more club patrons. The fight was was now a full-on bar brawl. Ponies were fighting everywhere, overturning tables and sending glasses crashing to the floor. The air was filled with the sound of fighting, of breaking glass, and angry yelling. Dylan turned his attention to the leader of the trio who had insulted Rainbow Dash.

"RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Dylan's yell echoed throughout the club, his deep, low voice rising above the clamor.

The pegasus was just beginning to stand up when Dylan kicked him in the stomach. The kick lifted him upwards, sending him crashing back down to the hard floor. Dylan slammed his foot down on the downed pegasus repeatedly, yelling with each strike. The pegasus was crying and screaming for help, trying desperately to get away. His friend - the one who had been kicked into the bar- ran towards the two. His face was bleeding badly, and his teeth were cracked. His face looked like a jigsaw puzzle. He kicked Dylan in the back, who stumbled over the pony he was kicking on the floor. He fell to the ground, grunting out a curse. "Bastard!" He rolled away from the broken-faced pony, barely evading a sharp kick to the top of his head. He spun to his feet, his foot whipping around horizontally. It snapped across the face of his attacker, breaking even more teeth. Before he could react, the pegasus found himself flipping backwards. He struck his head against the floor, unconscious. Dylan's punch had taken one of his opponents out of the fight.

Where is the other one?

Dylan's thoughts were answered when he barely ducked under a chair being swung towards his head. The one he had been kicking on the ground had picked up one of the club's chairs and was now wielding it like a club against Dylan. He dodged it the first time, but the second swing struck him in the chest. Pain shot through his head as he felt his ribs cracking. He lurched backwards, growling at his attacker.

He was about to strike back, but the remaining pegasus -who had been thrown into a table- rose and ran towards him. Dylan was so focused on the leader that he didn't see his other opponent coming towards him. He was brandishing a switchblade, and he planned to stick the knife deep into Dylan's guts. Just before he could, a multi-colored blur streaked towards him. A half-full bottle of rum crushed his jaw with a sickly snapping noise. He fell to the floor, blood pooling from his mouth. Rainbow Dash brandished the her bottle of rum angrily, holding the bottle by its neck. The leader saw his friend drop to the floor, his face twisting into a mask of horror. This distraction was enough for Dylan to send his foot brutally up into the pegasus' crotch. A disgusting /pop/ was clearly heard. The pegasus' head shot upwards, giving a clear view of his eyes; they were full of indescribable pain. His mouth opened wide to let forth a scream, but his wailing was cut short by a human fist striking him on the nose. It was followed by at least half a dozen more.

The pegasus had dropped the chair and was now being pinned against the club wall. Punch after punch sprayed blood in every direction. His face shot from side to side with each punch, twisting and turning painfully. His face was a bruised, bloody wreck. He had lost most of his teeth, along with a fair portion of skin and fur on his face. Dylan pummeled the stallion against the wall, throwing punch after punch like a machine.

"NO ONE... FUCKS... WITH... MY... FRIENDS!" Each pause was another blow rocketing into the pegasus' face.

The stallion collapsed, sliding to floor. His eyes had rolled back into his head, and his tongue hung from between what remained of his teeth. Dylan panted, shaking and holding himself up against the wall.

"Dylan! Let's go! We can't stay here!"

He turned and looked at the light blue mare, a fulfilled look on his face.

"All... All right."

They both ran out of the club. There were screaming ponies everywhere, and fights had broken out even outside. Dylan gave a vicious kick to the face of the doorman, who was just waking up. He fell back to the dirt with a groan. He wouldn't wake up for a while. Dylan and Rainbow Dash disappeared into the night, not looking back to the mayhem they had left behind.