Wind whipped through an unkempt mane, its rainbow-colored strands thrashing about in a roaring gale. A cyan pegasus cleaved through the air like an enraged javelin, clutching a large bundle of papers to her chest as if her life depended on it.

Rainbow Dash was flying to Fluttershy's house. Like most things involving Rainbow Dash, it involved traveling at deliriously unsafe speeds. Today, however, there were no completely unnecessary loops or 10-G turns, no corkscrews or dives, not even a barrel roll. Today, Rainbow Dash was doing something very unusual: flying in a straight line. Some ponies might say "not crashing" would also count as unusual, but they had remarkably short lifespans.

A sonic rainboom is best described as the air itself becoming so terrified of Rainbow Dash that it runs away, screaming, as fast as it can. Had Rainbow Dash been going much faster, she probably would have triggered one, but she couldn't afford to let that happen while carrying such important pieces of paper. Such treasonous pieces of paper. Such sickeningly gross oh-god-what-was-rarity-on-when-she-wrote-these pieces of paper.

It wasn't long before a rainbow appeared in the skies over Fluttershy's woodland cottage. Sadly, this rainbow didn't have a pot of gold at the end of it - just an extremely frustrated pegasus. Her descent was rapid, but careful; Fluttershy didn't like her smashing through windows. Despite this, Rainbow Dash didn't notice a small snail in the shadow of her hoof as she softly landed in front of the cottage door.

Sherry Snail looked up as a giant monstrosity blotted out the sun. Her world was consumed by a titanic shadow that stretched almost two whole inches. "Oh Celestia, what is that thing?!" she cried out.

A nearby snail looked up, and was almost paralyzed by fear (not that anypony could tell the difference). "It's— It's— You have to get out of there Sherry!" he choked out.

"I'm not going to make it! It's coming down too fast!" Sherry wailed. Of course, snails don't actually communicate by vocalizing, so the wail would be better described as a very enthusiastic waving of her little feeler-antenna things. "TELL GARY I LOVE HIM!"

*crunch*

Rainbow Dash looked backwards and lifted up a hind leg. Yellow snail guts dripped off, landing on the ground below with a sickening splat.

"Eeeewwwwwww..." Rainbow Dash wiped her hoof on the ground before knocking on Fluttershy's door.

There was a quiet clip-clopping of hooves before the door opened slightly, with a nervous Fluttershy peeking out of the crack.

"H-Hello?" Fluttershy paused for a moment before recognizing the mare standing outside. "Oh, it's you, Rainbow Dash!" she said in a much more confident voice that was still barely above a whisper.

"Hey, Fluttershy, I need to talk to you about—"

"Oh NO!" Fluttershy abruptly interrupted Rainbow Dash as her eyes went wide. "Oh no no no no no no NO!"

Rainbow Dash looked confused. "...Huh?"

"That snail! You crushed that poor snail! How could you not have noticed?!"

"Oh, yeah. Stepped on it by accident. Very slimey."

"You MONSTER!" Fluttershy 'shouted' in that slightly less quiet voice she used when she was upset. "How can you just... just... stand there like nothing's wrong?!"

Rainbow Dash tilted her head to one side. "What's wrong?"

"You killed a snail! You're a murderer!"

Oh for Pete's sake. "Uh, sorry about that, I guess?"

"You're a bad pony, Rainbow Dash."

"I'm devastated," deadpanned Rainbow Dash, "Now, seriously, there's something I need to talk to you about."

"No."

Rainbow Dash blinked. "What?"

"I'm not speaking to you about anything until you atone for your sins!"

"Uggggggggggh," Rainbow Dash dragged a hoof down her face. "I don't— That's— Fine, what do you want me to do?"

"Apologize to the rest of the snails."

Rainbow Dash looked at Fluttershy like she had just grown a second pair of wings. "Fluttershy, not everypony has been blessed by the pagan goddess of the forest. I can't speak Snail. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're the only pony who can."

Fluttershy glared at her. "Then I'll be your translator."

Boy, I'm not getting out of this one, am I? Rainbow Dash sighed and turned around. Apparently, the snails had been on some kind of grand exodus to Fluttershy's cottage, as there were actually a large number of them slowly creeping towards the front door. No wonder she'd landed on one. She cleared her throat and looked back at Fluttershy, who nodded solemnly. "Ah, uh, um... Hi? I-I'm sorry about accidentally, uh, squishing your friend, and stuff."

Rainbow Dash was suddenly distracted by Fluttershy waving her hooves above her head in a hilarious attempt to mimic the snails' antenna, and had to bite her lip to avoid laughing. "So, I hope you can, like, uh, forgive me. Yeah."

There was a long pause as Rainbow Dash waited for the pegasus-who-should-have-been-born-as-a-dryad to finish translating with her ridiculous hoof waving.

"Much better." said Fluttershy with a satisfied smile, and she finally led Rainbow Dash into her house. "Now, what did you need to talk to me about?"

"I need to get back something that you borrowed - a romance novel, by Rarity."

Fluttershy froze in place as soon as Rainbow Dash uttered the words 'romance novel'. When 'Rarity' echoed inside her ear canals, Fluttershy let out a small squeak, her eyes shrunk to pinpricks, and she immediately rolled onto her back, with all four legs sticking straight up.

"...Fluttershy?"

Ohhhh boy. She suddenly remembered that she was here for a romance novel about herself that was being read by one of her closest childhood friends. Naturally, Fluttershy would be far too embarrassed to just give it to her. Rainbow Dash set the bundle of papers she was holding on a nearby table, took a deep breath, and went into full comfort Fluttershy mode. Slowly approaching the petrified pegasus, she reached out with a hoof and started massaging directly above her wing.

"Ooooooohhhh...." The pegasus immediately melted into a puddle, Rainbow Dash's recent transgressions entirely forgotten. Rainbow Dash was exceptionally adept at getting Fluttershy to relax after so many years together in Flight Camp. She leaned down and nuzzled Fluttershy, rolling her over and then snuggling next to her.

"Fluttershy,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper, “I need to ask you something.”

Fluttershy let out a quiet “hmmmmm?”

Rainbow Dash draped one of her wings over the yellow pony. “I want you to know that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be my friend, ok?”

In response, Fluttershy made some cute noises.

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath, and dropped the anvil. “I need you to give me that romance novel you borrowed from Rarity.”

Fluttershy let out a terrified ”Eep!” and attempted to fly away, but Rainbow Dash was ready. She grabbed the fleeing pegasus and pulled her into a hug.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s ok, Flutters, I’m here, I won’t leave you, I promise.”

All Fluttershy did was let out an embarrassed whimper as her cheeks turned pink.

“I know the story is about me, Flutters. I know it’s embarrassing to you that you were reading a romance fic about your friend, but I’m not here to judge you.” Rainbow Dash nuzzled Fluttershy’s mane as the yellow pegasus squirmed around in a futile attempt to escape the warm, comforting embrace of her friend. “I just want the story back, ok? No one else ever has to know. It’ll be ok. You’ll still be my best friend, we’ll still go flying over Everfree Forest, I’ll still preen your wings, and I’ll still be here for you when you’re lonely. I just need that story back.”

For some reason, this didn’t seem to calm Fluttershy down. As she curled up into a tight ball around Dash’s hooves, who was still clutching her stomach to keep her from escaping, Rainbow Dash began to wonder if she was missing something. She already knew the story was about her, how could it possibly get any... more... embarrassing...?

Oh, no.

The gears in Rainbow Dash’s head slowly began to turn as she thought about what she’d just told Fluttershy. Flying with her. Preening her wings. Being there for her. There was a single, crucial piece of information she was missing - she didn’t know who she was being shipped with in that romance novel.

What if she was being shipped with Fluttershy?

“Fluttershy,” whispered Rainbow Dash in the softest voice she had ever used in her life, “Do... do you have a crush on me?”

Fluttershy, of course, didn’t respond.

Rainbow Dash gulped. “Listen, Flutters, even if that romance novel is about... what I think it might be about, you’re still my friend, ok? I won’t stop being your friend. Ever. I’m the element of loyalty, after all.”

Fluttershy let out a small whine, but didn’t move.

“But, and I really hate to tell you this right now, I’m... straight. Not lesbian, not bi, straight.” Rainbow Dash hugged her friend tightly. “You’re my best friend, Fluttershy, and this won’t change that, but it’s not going to turn into... something else.”

Rainbow Dash could feel the pegasus sag under her hooves, and could almost hear the sound of a heart breaking in two, never to be the same again. She could almost see Fluttershy’s dreams fly away, lost to the unrelenting harshness of reality. She knew that she was no longer holding a pegasus in her hooves, but a broken mare, whose life was now bereft of meaning.

“It’s... It’s on my nightstand.” Fluttershy’s voice cracked, the sorrow and hopelessness that besieged her seeping through the fractures.

Rainbow Dash was torn. Her friend was distraught, and she wanted to stay and comfort her, but now she was the reason her friend was on the verge of tears. Her very existence was the cause of this. What should she do? Just leave? Stay? Stand awkwardly in the middle of the room?

“I’m so sorry, Flutters,” whispered Rainbow Dash, still clutching her friend in a hug, “if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, but if you want me to go, I’ll understand.”

Suddenly, she wasn’t hugging Fluttershy anymore. An enraged yellow pegasus pushed her nose against her’s.

“Understand? UNDERSTAND?!” Fluttershy was screaming at her now. As in, not Fluttershy screaming, but actual screaming, which was incredibly unnerving. “You’ll NEVER understand! You’ll never come CLOSE to understanding what you’ve done to me! What I’ll never have! What it’s like to have your heart yanked out of your chest and smashed into a million pieces!”

Rainbow Dash leapt onto her hooves. “I DID NOTHING!” she shouted back, “It’s not my fault you fell in love with me! Do you think I’m telepathic?!”

“But, you did so much with me! You flew with me, you preened me, and I thought... I thought...” Fluttershy drifted off as tears began to choke her words.

“You thought WHAT?!” yelled Rainbow Dash, “That I was a fillyfooler? That I had the hots for you? You were my best friend, Flutters, it’s not my fault you can’t tell the difference between friendship and romance!”

“I... I... But...” Fluttershy’s rage melted away as she curled up into a ball of self-pity. “I thought... I thought...”

Rainbow Dash suddenly realized her wings were flared in anger, and decided it would be best if she just left, immediately, before she made things even worse. She turned away from Fluttershy, marched into her room, grabbed Rarity’s unmistakable handiwork, picked up her stack of slashfics and left without another word.

As the door closed behind her, Rainbow Dash hesitated. Even though she knew none of this was technically her fault, she put an ear to the cottage door anyway. The muffled, yet unmistakable sobbing of a distraught yellow pegasus could be heard. Rainbow Dash winced - now, she really felt like a monster. She shook her head and launched herself into the sky, clutching those cursed stories tightly to her chest.

It was time to go home.

Chapter 3: Experimentation

It had occurred to Rainbow Dash that being attracted to the mathematical concept of the universal set was nothing more than a red herring. After all, it was the set of all sets, which included everything that had ever existed, could ever exist, or couldn't exist at all. It encompassed all the things she could ever imagine, and everything she couldn't. It even encompassed the very red herring that it was.

So, naturally, Rainbow Dash started hitting on the metaphysical red herring in a desperate attempt to take it out on a date. It almost worked, too.

The cool evening breeze ruffled Rainbow Dash's fur as she sailed high above Ponyville. It was nearing sunset, but the town was not yet asleep. As she soared over one of the fields in Ponyville Park, she noticed a group of youngsters playing a game of hoofball - or trying to, at least. One filly had learned the hard way not to headbutt things when you're a unicorn, and was running around with a partially deflated hoofball impaled on her horn, while being chased by a large throng of angry schoolfoals. Nearby, Derpy was trying to push mail through the wrong end of a mailbox... again. The cutie mark crusaders, however, were nowhere to be found.

Normally, Rainbow Dash would be a bit deflated if she couldn't find Scootaloo. She kind of liked the little squirt, but not today. Today, she was thankful the orange filly was nowhere to be seen, because she could never know about the horrors Rainbow Dash was clutching with an iron grip. Today, she was making a beeline for her house, tearing across the gold-tinged sky with a rainbow in her wake.

The sun reached the horizon as pegasus wings fluttered above the entrance to a very special house. This house was suspended several hundred feet in the air, and was made of clouds. It used to have rainbow falls coming off of it too, until she'd gotten fined for a zoning violation. Apparently, the house wasn't high enough off the ground for them to properly dissipate. The front door was pushed open by a cyan hoof as Rainbow Dash walked inside. She immediately deposited the load of papers she was carrying on her desk, picked up a blue, translucent stone about the size of her hoof, and plopped it on top of the stack. As far as she was concerned, the world just spent the last 24 hours trolling her as much as possible, and she wasn't about to take any chances.

A faint buzzing sound introduced her to Tank, who zipped down the stairs and attempted to tackle her as much as a turtle with a propellor on its back could tackle a fully grown pegasus.

"Tank! There you are," she giggled. "I know you want to play, but I'm really tired today. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

Tank looked dejected, and buzzed away towards the kitchen. She was about to follow him when she hesitated. There, sitting on the top of the pile, was the slashfic Fluttershy had been reading. Against her better judgement (which really wasn't that good in the first place), she pulled it out from under the paperweight, and starting flipping through it. Predictably, it involved two pegasi doing inappropriate things. Less predictably, it involved whips, gags, and a lot of rope. Also, Fluttershy wasn't on bottom.

Apparently, there had been more to that assertiveness training than she realized.

Deciding now would be a perfect time for a cold shower, Rainbow Dash abandoned the toxic papers on her desk. Minutes later, she was sitting under a stream of water in her bathroom, wet strands of a drenched rainbow mane curling around her shoulders. She watched as beads of water travelled down the multi-colored hairs, trying to process everything that had happened. She needed to calm down, breath, and relax. She had the fics, and now everything could go back to normal. So, why did she have a terrible feeling about this? Why did it feel like the middle of a long slog up a steep hill covered in molasses in January?

Water swirled around the shower drain in a mesmerizing pattern of ripples and waves. Was it because of Fluttershy? Was it because Twilight seemed like she was slowly falling apart? Was it because Rarity had been writing creepy, inappropriate slashfics about her? It seemed like her problems had simply ballooned into an untamable, writhing mass of chaos and uncertainty that defied her ability to cope with. Instead, it was like a tumor, pushing against the sides of her psyche, gobbling up her mental processing, leering over her and making it difficult to think. Something seemed wrong, as though the last 24 hours had somehow awakened a dark sorrow she had hidden deep within herself.

Under the shower's stream of moisture, Rainbow Dash didn't notice the water collecting in her eyes, or the tear that slowly slid down her cheek. What Twilight had said the night before echoed through her mind, feeding that festering mass of stress and unease that threatened to overwhelm her.

"Why does everything have to be so bucking complicated?!"

It was a good question.

Later that evening, after washing down a hay sandwich with some berry punch, Rainbow Dash wandered over to her bed and collapsed on top of it. She felt drained in more ways than one, and figured she could hit the hay - er, cloud? Well, anyway, she decided to go to bed early, even though the last rays of sunlight had yet to fade away. It wasn't long before she was carried off into Luna's dreamland by quiet noises that drifted through her open window.

A handsome stallion sat across from Rainbow Dash at an extravagant restaurant. She felt like she was supposed to be attracted to him. He said something vague and witty; Rainbow Dash laughed without knowing why. A waiter appeared out of the fog she hadn't noticed and asked for their orders. Words were exchanged, but she didn't remember what they were. She was entranced by his eyes, as they glistened in the candlelight. She didn't remember candles being on the table before, but now there were. She thought it was all a bit sappy and romantic, but for some reason she didn't care. Suddenly, she spoke words that felt real and concrete.

"I'm just going to quickly go to the bathroom, be back in a second."

The stallion's face grew dark, and a frown took over his features. A strange fear crept into her heart, an unspoken feeling of dread that swallowed up the light and sucked the love out of the room.

The nameless stallion leaned forward. "You split the infinitive, honey."

"Wh-What?! I don't- what are you talking about?" She was confused and frightened. There was so much terror, so much fear, so much undirected apprehension. Everything around them had the light sucked out of it until it was just their table floating through a black void.

"Now you've just used an en dash instead of an em dash. What is this nonsense?" The stallion's face was slowly twisting into a horrible, maniacal grin. Jagged teeth lined his mouth, and his terrible eyes seemed to bore into her soul. "I bet you use the oxford comma, too, don't you? What a silly little filly you are."

Rainbow Dash was trembling in fear. "That doesn't even make any sense!" Then, it dawned on her - she was dating a grammar nazi. She tried to scream, but no noise came out. She felt as though she was choking, and found pointless prescriptive grammar rules wrapped around her neck. The stallion was no longer a pony, but a monstrosity born from the same maddening chaos that Cthulhu had once called home. Incredibly asinine grammar nitpickings poured out from its tentacles, and it screamed an unearthly roar using obscure dialogue punctuation as it flung a thesaurus at her.

Rainbow Dash woke up, screaming. Remnants of the nightmare clung to the edges of her consciousness. In and out, in and out, she thought, deep breaths, it was only a dream, deep breaths. Her heart pounded against her chest, adrenaline pumping through her veins. Slowly, she began to calm down, and looked out the window. Night had fallen over Ponyville, but Rainbow Dash no longer had any desire to sleep. She hopped off of her bed and walked over to her desk. It was at this point that Rainbow Dash realized the nightmare had never ended. In fact, it had only just begun.

The slashfics were gone.

A standard normal distribution is called a bell curve, so named because it looks kind of like a bell (if you squint). According to the Central Limit Theorem, the mean of a sufficiently large number of independent random variable iterations will be approximately normally distributed. In other words, the Central Limit Theorem states that everything becomes a bell curve if you hit it hard enough.

Rainbow Dash is good at hitting things. Rainbow Dash also liked bell curves. They were so... smooth. And bell-shaped. And also smooth.

And maybe also bell-shaped.

Rainbow Dash wanted a bell-curve inside her. She wanted to take it all the way to the standard deviation. But to do so would require sacrifice work, so she headed down to her lair to do some mathematical work research.

working

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A full moon was suspended high in the night sky when Rainbow Dash arrived at the Ponyville library. The romance fics were all gone, save for the one she had gotten from Fluttershy, which had been clinging precariously to the edge of her house. Oddly, the paperweight that should have kept them from blowing away was gone too. There was no longer any doubt in Rainbow Dash's mind that the universe itself had grown so jealous of her awesomeness it was now torturing her in retribution. After a frantic search around her house had turned up nothing but a single story, she’d almost immediately decided to go to Twilight for help. She may be an egghead, and she might be going through relationship problems, but if anypony would know what to do about this, it would be her.

The pegasus quietly approached the library's entrance, unsure if Twilight would still be up at this hour. To her surprise, there were still a few lights on, and the door was unlocked. Perhaps Twilight was in the middle of a late-night study session? Rainbow Dash shuddered - she had no desire to replay the events of last month, but she was running out of options. She pushed the door open and called out Twilight's name, but received nothing but echoes in return. As she explored the foyer, wondering if Twilight was even home, she noticed a light coming up from the stairs.

"Twilight...?" Rainbow Dash would never admit to anypony just how nervous she was right now. Slowly, she descended the staircase to Twilight's basement, and her nose was immediately assaulted by a foul odor. She could see a large assortment of bubbling potions laid out on one of the tables, along with a strange machine that was making random beeping noises. There were some scattered papers next to the potions, but she couldn’t get close enough to read them without the smell making her dizzy. She stumbled over to the opposite side of the room, trying to clear her head, and smacked into the wall.

The pegasus opted to lie down before she lost her balance completely, and squeezed her eyes shut, fervently wishing the room would stop spinning. When she opened them, she was surprised to see that it had, indeed, stopped spinning. She was even more surprised when the wall behind her swung open to reveal a secret passage, apparently activated by her errant flank smacking against it. She got back on her hooves, and peered down the empty passageway. Strange noises emanated from its depths, and it seemed to lead into some sort of small room.

Rainbow Dash chided herself for being so jumpy; she was Rainbow Dash, she lived for adventures like this! Well, preferably under less stressful circumstances, but one can't be picky. She shook herself and confidently trotted down the hallway, only to stop in bewilderment when she reached the room it led to. It appeared to be some sort of square platform with glass windows all around it, but behind the glass was just another wooden wall. In the center of the platform stood a small pole with two large buttons on it, one with an up arrow, and one with a down arrow. Rainbow Dash, being a pegasus, liked things that went up, and pushed the top button with her hoof.

Nothing happened. She poked at the button a few more times before letting out a long sigh and gingerly pressing the bottom button.

*beep*

Before she could react, the door behind her had slid shut, and with a shuddering groan, the platform began moving downward. Rainbow Dash briefly considered panicking before chastising herself once again. What would Daring Do... do? That line sounded so terrible even Rainbow Dash winced.

Her thoughts of adventure were interrupted as the wooden wall behind the glass gave way to a colossal, mind-blowing cavern that stretched as far as the eye could see. It was filled from floor to ceiling with impossible technological wonders that would bewilder all but the most prestigious unicorn scientists. It took Rainbow Dash a few minutes to realize she was still sitting in the elevator with her jaw hanging open after it had reached the ground floor.

She shook her head to try and clear it. Focus, Dash, she thought, just ignore the enormous laboratory that's apparently sitting underneath Ponyville, filled with super-advanced technology beyond your wildest dreams. Find Twilight. Sure enough, she could hear the occasional rumbling coming from somewhere deep inside the lab. Yet, something seemed different, now. If she listened closely, she could occasionally hear that familiar *click-clack-click-clack* of someone writing on a chalkboard. Twilight was definitely here, but Rainbow Dash didn't want to surprise her. Bad things happened if you snuck up on Twilight while she was in the middle of a super-advanced technological experiment.

"Hello? Twilight?" she called out, walking slowly towards the sound. The click-clacking abruptly stopped, and was replaced by the faint clip-clopping of hooves. Excited, Rainbow Dash almost took off into the air, but then remembered she didn't want to do anything to surprise Twilight and settled on a quick trot as she zigzagged through a maze of strange devices that defied explanation. She was almost feeling relieved when she suddenly saw a massive gun coming around the next corner, easily the length of two ponies, with a barrel almost as big as her head. It was being levitated by the unmistakable magenta aurora of Twilight.

"Wait, Twilight! It's me, Rainbow Dash! IT'S RAINBOW DASH!" Rainbow Dash frantically called out as the gun instantly pinpointed her location and nearly fired an unstoppable death ray that would have vaporized her into oblivion. At least, that's what Rainbow Dash imagined it would do; In reality, it was just a comically oversized stun gun.

"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight came around the corner, still levitating the enormous gun. "Rainbow Dash, it is you!" Twilight lazily tossed the gun to the side, where it smashed into something that looked important and burst into flames. "Sorry, I thought you were Pinkie Pie, she gets in here sometimes and makes a mess of things."

As far as Rainbow Dash could tell, Twilight didn't seem to need any help doing that. Still, she was here for a purpose. "Twilight, I need your help," asked Rainbow Dash, "If you aren't busy, that is."

"How did you even get in here, Dash? This lab is top secret!"

"You left the door unlocked."

"Oh. Well, anyway, while you're here, you can look at what I've been working on!"

"But I—"

Twilight waved a dismissive hoof at her. "No, no need to thank me, now come on, I'm sure you're very excited to see this new advancement in pony technology!"

Rainbow Dash sighed, and trudged behind Twilight Sparkle as she wove her way through the technological maze. "Say, Twilight?" she asked.

"Yes, Rainbow Dash?"

"What's all this... stuff?" Rainbow Dash vaguely gestured around her with a hoof.

"Oh, well, let's see, that's container for liquid nitrogen, that's a space probe, that's a 5-mile-long particle accelerator, that's an empty case of plutonium, that's a magnetic antimatter containment device, that's a mass spectrometer, that's a cat-proof can opener, that's a 1/10 scale model of a rocket design I've been working on, that's a self-stimulation device, that's a phaser set to stun mode, that's a sniper rifle that can shoot the flea off a dog's back at a hundred paces, that's where I was experimenting with portable dimensional pocket devices, those are all my report cards from magic kindergarten, that's a miniature nuclear reactor, that's a powered suit of armor made out of gold-titanium alloy, that's a partially-peeled banana, that's one of Rarity's dress models, that's a magnetically powered self-heating tea cup, that's a stale bag of potato chips, that's a pile of Luna's dirty laundry, that's a sonic screwdriver, that's a bottle of vampire sparkles, that's a high powered railgun pointed at a house of cards, that's censored, that's a ridiculously large contraption made entirely out of ice cubes for no reason, those are enchanted earplugs, that's a time machine—"

"What?!"

"—and that's a Massive Astrophysical Compact Halo Object Co-axial Gravitational Microlensing Detector!"

Rainbow Dash looked back at the alicorn, bewildered.

"It goes ding when there's stuff," she explained.

Rainbow Dash sighed, and was trying to forget she ever asked that question when they rounded the last corner. She immediately noticed two things: a bizarre machine in the center of a cleared out oasis in the laboratory, and a small table with an empty martini glass on top of it. “Twilight, have you been drinking ag—”

Rainbow Dash was interrupted by a magenta glow hurling the martini glass at a wall, where it violently exploded into a million tiny glass shards.

“NOPE!” said Twilight, with a crazed grin on her face.

Rainbow Dash decided not to push the issue any further.

“Anyway,” Twilight gestured at the odd machine in the center of the clearing. “This, my dear friend, is a—"

Twilight didn't get to finish her announcement of what the strange machine was, because at that precise moment, there was a loud crash and a pink blur.

"HIYA TWILIGHT!" Out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared in front of the alicorn, her nose pressed against Twilight's in an egregious invasion of personal space, because she's Pinkie Pie. "Whatcha Doin'?"

"ARGH!" Twilight backed away from the hyperactive party pony and pointed an accusatory hoof at her. "Pinkie, I don't know how you got in here, but get out right now before you break something! Again!"

No sooner had Twilight finished her brief tirade, then a large explosion tore through a nearby lab section.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Too late."

Pinkie Pie giggled. "Oops, did I break something?"

"Pinkie Pie, I'm warning you," growled Twilight, who was now regretting her decision to toss her enormous stun gun into a server farm.

"Ooooooooh~" Pinkie paid her no heed, and was now hovering over a large, red button on a nearby wall, while defying gravity for no reason at all. "What does this button doooooo~?"

"PINKIE GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!"

*beep*

Too late. The floor shuddered beneath Rainbow Dash, and a gaping black maw opened up behind Pinkie. Slowly, a massive, 50-foot-tall bipedal mech rose out of the floor and towered above the three ponies. There was a low hum, followed by a faint click, and the colossal mechanical construct turned on.

“SRX-3188 AWAITING ORDERS”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to facehoof. “Oh, Ponyfeathers. Now you’ve gone and woken up Kitty!”

It took Rainbow Dash a moment to realize that ‘Kitty’ referred to the giant robot standing in front of her.

“KITTY PARTY!” shouted Pinkie Pie, who summoned a party cannon out of whatever chaotic pocket dimension she controlled as a lesser goddess and blasted a stream of confetti into the air.

“PARTY COMMAND RECEIVED,” said the giant robot in a monotone voice, “WILL COMMENCE PARTYING IMMEDIATELY.”

“Wait, what?!” was all Twilight was able to say before an enormous explosion tore through the laboratory. The giant robot had decided the best way to ‘party’ would be to dance around like a ballerina, smashing absolutely everything in the process.

Rainbow Dash was rolling on the floor, laughing, when she was abruptly grabbed by her tail and magically dragged into the air. “Hey!”

“I have to catch this giant rampaging robot now, and you’re going to help me. I don’t care if it wasn’t your fault, I st- st- s-” *hic!* Twilight’s diatribe was cut short by a hiccup, and her magical grip on Rainbow Dash was broken.

*Thud*. Rainbow Dash groaned and pulled herself up just in time to hear another hiccup escape from Twilight. “Oh for celestia’s sake....” As she’d expected, Twilight had been drinking, she just hadn’t been feeling the booze yet. Now that the drinks had caught up to her, she’d no longer be able to cast magic effectively, just in time for a giant 50-foot-tall robotic ballerina to destroy her laboratory. The pegasus rolled her eyes and launched off towards the robot, without really knowing what she would do when she caught up to it.

In an alcohol-enhanced stupor, Twilight stumbled after her and made a rather pitiful attempt to take off, which was rewarded by flying 8 feet before she smashed muzzle-first into a large computer. “Owwwwwwww...” She winced and poked at her nose gingerly, hoping she didn’t break anything. Deciding that attempting to fly while drunk was a stupid thing to do, she instead galloped as fast as she could towards the rampaging machine.

Well, she tried to, anyway. She got went almost 20 feet before tripping on a chunk of debris and falling flat on her face, again. Frustrated, she decided to just teleport herself over there, forgetting that she was drunk, because, well, she was drunk.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

*Wham*

While she had succeeded in teleporting herself next to the rampaging robot, she had unfortunately also teleported herself 25 feet in the air. Twilight considered this attempt to prove that gravity still worked a complete, if rather painful, success.

“Hey Twilight!” shouted Rainbow Dash as she zipped by her to circle the robot, “How do I shut this thing off?”

Twilight, still recovering from her gravitational experiment, attempted to pick herself up, and almost succeeded, but had to abort the mission at the last moment due to unforeseen alcoholic complications. “I got it!” she called out, after assuming a sitting position, which was much easier to maintain. Focusing her thoughts, she called out to the astral plane, tearing a hole across the infinite depths of space and time, across spiral galaxies and distant quasars, around black holes and spinning pulsars. Through this portal, she could feel the unbridled power of magic in its natural form, and dragged it with her back into the mortal plane.

Twilight could feel the emergency stop button in her mind. She just needed to push it. Closing her eyes and concentrating, her horn began to glow, and—

“Meow!”

—Twilight opened one eye. The robot was definitely not shut down. Also, there was now a cat in front of her. The thing about being drunk is that it’s really hard to concentrate on anything, so apparently instead of shutting off Kitty, her mind had wandered off-course and instead conjured a literal “kitty” out of thin air. Amusing, but not helpful.

“Twilight, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash was now hovering near the robots head, far enough away to avoid it’s wild flailings as it attempted (and failed) to perform a particularly difficult ballet move.

“*hic* I can fix this!” shouted Twilight, and her horn started glowing again.

Rainbow Dash was not optimistic.

*poomf!*

As the cloud of smoke disappeared, Rainbow Dash saw that Twilight was now surrounded by 10 cats instead of just 1. Well, 9 cats, anyway, the tenth was on top of her head.

“Meow!”

“AAAAAAAAUGH!” Twilight screamed in frustration, then hiccuped again.

“Twilight, just stop with the magic already, you’re too drunk!”

Twilight threw her head to one side and chucked the cat off the top of her head.

“Mreoooooooooorrrrrrwwwwwwwww!”

“FINE! No more magic! And I’m *hic* too drunk to fly, so it’s up to you, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight pointed towards the rampaging robotic ballet student. “You’ll have to open the rear *hic* hatch to reach the emergency shutoff switch!”

Rainbow Dash looked confused. “The rear hatch? I don’t see a rear hatch.”

Inexplicably, Twilight started giggling. “It’s *hic* the hatch on it’s rear end!”

“What.” Rainbow Dash was not amused.

Twilight, on the other hand, was snickering uncontrollably. “Doooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeet!” she crooned, before collapsing in a fit of drunken laughter.

“NO! BUCK THIS! BUCK ALL OF THIS!” shouted Rainbow Dash, at the end of her wits. She flew halfway across the lab, did a U-turn, then rocketed towards the front of the robot. Letting out a fearsome war cry that was enough to make the robot hesitate for a split second, she extended her rear hoof and bucked it right in the metaphorical crotch.

*crunch*

Silence fell, broken only by the occasional *hic* from Twilight. Not a creature was stirring, not even the cats who were still attempting to hump Twilight for no apparent reason, because sometimes cats do that and nopony knows why. A quiet whine began to fill the deafening silence, slowly growing in volume until it became a robotic shriek of pain. Rainbow Dash clamped her hooves over her ears and wondered if Kitty was about to explode.

Then, it stopped. It all stopped. Rainbow Dash opened her eyes, and to her surprise (and immense satisfaction), Kitty had turned itself off.

Twilight hiccuped, staring at the deactivated robot before looking back to Rainbow Dash. “Ah definahtley did not progwam it tah do DAT!”

The alicorn started giggling again, “Hey, Rainbow Dash?”

“What?”

“Rainbow Dash!”

The pegasus raised an annoyed eyebrow. “What?!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Somehow, Twilight’s voice didn’t sound like it was coming from her anymore.

“WHA— woooooooaaaaah!” All of a sudden, the world began to wobble and lose focus. Rainbow Dash tried to land, hoping solid ground would stop everything from spinning around, but there simply wasn’t any floor anymore.

“RAINBOW DASH!”

There was only darkness.

Author's Notes:

The majority of this was written while I had a runny nose and a headache.

I ended up actually cutting this chapter short because it was getting way too long. While I wanted to get some more drunk Twilight math in there, it will have to wait until the next chapter.

I don't have any prereaders or editors for this. If you'd like to be a prereader and/or editor, throw me a PM.