Guess I should start by filling you guys in on what happened after Sombra's defeat, huh…

Well, after cleaning up the mess and burial of the dead, and convincing the surviving Yeti that we meant them no harm, things called down quite a bit. The remaining Yeti even helped us out by building an airstrip out of the ice fields outside of the empire, neat the train station.

So after two weeks of fixing up the Empire, the humans of Equestria were heading for home to the ponies we loved, and a routine of life we had come to enjoy. Little did I know that three days after returning to Ponyville, life would once again throw me a curve.

Yawning, I slid out of Applejack's warm embrace and promptly fell flat on my muzzle.

'What the fuck?' I thought to myself, before using a hoof to push myself up from the floor... Fucking dammit why am I not human at the moment?

'Sorry, Mark.' Something in my head made me pause.

"What." I deadpanned as I slowly got to my hooves.

'It's Sand Dune. Kinda felt like I wasn't being used as often and sorta took over your body. That business in the Empire was forced, so that doesn't count.' The voice said. 'Don't worry; you'll wake up tomorrow as yourself.'

"This is bloody weird..." I muttered, wobbling out the door and headed downstairs.

'How is it weird that you share a body with another person?' Sand Dune asked in confusion. I decided to not answer that and instead walk around Mugs to not trample him by mistake. My spider followed, a little confused by the recent change in bodies.

"Yea, it's me." I said as I saw his 'confusion'. "Just in a different body for the day." A little chittering answered me. "No, I didn't do it on purpose. Just sorta happened." A small nod was given as he accepted it and scurried off… you know, I always wondered how Luke Skywalker could understand R2D2, now I know.

"Mark?" Bloom yawned as she entered the kitchen. I was currently levitating my cup of 'tar', as Johnnie puts it, about to take a gulp.

"Yubbers." I answered, stifling a yawn of my own with my mug of coffee.

"Why are ya like that again?" Applebloom asked. "Ya run inta 'nother patch of Poison Joke?"

"Woke up like this." I answered, quaffing down my drink. Even as a filly, coffee was required to wake the fuck up. Probably why I was so accepting of this, when I think about it...

"What's fer breakfast?" She asked, sniffing. Sand Dune took the opportunity to take over my body, causing me to roll my eyes mentally.

"Eggs, toast, and hashbrowns." She said, gulping the rest of the coffee down, to my relief.

'Are you sure you can cook this?' I asked through my thoughts. It didn't give me a headache like when I do it with Apple, since it was in my head.

'I certainly can cook better than you can!' Dune huffed as she used our magic to levitate a few skillets out.

'I burn cereal when I pour milk into it.' I deadpanned. 'The only way one can be worse is if they fuck up the instant coffee from the MRE's.'

God, I could kill for a cup of fresh brewed, real bean coffee!

'As long as I don't burn down the house, we're good.' I heard a tone that bordered uncertainty when she answered.

Truth be told, I'm surprised we managed to keep the... Oh god I'm starting to sound like Luna and Moon, aren't I?

'Is it considered crazy if you do have two voices in your head?' Dune wondered silently as she finished making enough food for the entire house.

"I don't know." I muttered low enough to where AB wouldn't hear it.

To (our) my surprise, the food was actually able to be eaten.

---

"I'll see ya later!" I called out, waving a hoof out to the others. AJ, Judy, and Granny waved back, and I continued trekking to Ponyville.

'Wait...' A thought ran through our mind. 'How the fuck are we supposed to massage ponies?'

'...Shit.' I facehoofed. 'We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.'

---

Truth be told, hooves are not meant to give massages, but I somehow managed. "How fucking tired can you get?" I questioned Dusk as he reclined in the submissive position.

"I was in the 'Nam, dammit." He grunted as I worked out a kink in his back. "I didn't have time to sleep." Apparently the Vietnam vet enjoys a good back massage from time to time. And he was struggling to stay awake at the moment.

"Dusk, if you're that tired, I don't mind of you fall asleep on me." I said. "Contrary to popular belief, soldiers DO need to sleep once in a while. If you do, I'll move you over to a corner and put a 'do not disturb' sign on your face." Not even five seconds later and he was passed out.

"Guy was really tense on the way back from the Empire..." I muttered to myself and worked a little less hard now that I didn't want to wake him up. From what I gathered, he didn't even much over the few weeks of being here.

'We have another customer.' Dune told me as I worked on the man's legs.

"Where's Mark?" Lyra asked, causing me to look up.

"Sup?" I casually asked. Lyra looked at me for a few moments, before shrugging and taking another bed.

"Duffy was looking for you." Lyra informed me as she lied down. "Said something about a ship appearing in the big lake."

"I'll go check it out on my lunch break, then." I said, finishing up with Dusk and hopping over to Lyra. "How do you want your massage this week?"

"Just work on my back, please." She said, shifting a little. "I'm on a tight schedule and I can't afford to have a full massage."

"New gig?" I questioned as I started rubbing my hooves into her flesh.

"Yeah~" She moaned, already turning into putty underneath me.

"Think you could get me and Apple a ticket?" I asked. "I know she hasn't been able to hear any music besides what's on my iPod and I've been wanting to listen to yours."

"I'll see if I can work out something..." She softly said, melting into a puddle.

---

While Ponyville has quite a few lakes within its district, only one is large enough to float a ship of any size in. The lake in question is fed by the runoff from Ponyville's one and only hydro-electric dam. Yup, you heard that correctly, the ponies have green power. But no fucking television...

Anyhow, 15 minutes later I found myself trotting up to Saddle Lake and a ship, much like the Black Pearl, lying at anchor. "So, what're we looking at?" I asked as a small group of humans and ponies stood on the shore of the lake.

"A sailing ship from before the American Revolution, by the looks of it." Duffy answered as he passed me a pair of binoculars to look through, which I almost dropped. Fucking hooves! Using my magic I focused on the ship and almost chuckled at the name emblazoned on its stern; the Sally Forth.

"...We need to get rid of the ship's crew." I softly said as I observed the swarthy looking crew members milling about in confusion. They weren't the crew of a colony ship or even a British/French/Spanish ship; they were pirates… it was the skull and crossbones flag that tipped me off.

"LAWs?" Bill asked as he stepped up next to me. I shook my head as I took another look at the ship.

She must have been in battle before being poofed here; there were several holes along her side from incoming cannon fire and she was listing slightly to port. Add in that one of her three masts was severed halfway up its length and that rigging was scattered all over the deck… and you had one sorry looking ship.

"They might have cargo we humans can use, and I know Celestia would be interested in the ship itself." And where there are pirates… there's booze!

"Sub-machine guns, carbines, and shotguns, then." Duran grunted. Cheerilee decided it would be a good idea (and it might've been if it were a different crew) to bring the kids on a surprise field trip.

"Get Nutcracker's squad and tell them to meet me here in ten, dressed to impress." I said, before going over to the teacher.

"Where's the ship from?" Cheerilee asked me as I got close enough.

"I'm not too savvy on ship models, but I know for a fact that the ship's crewed by pirates." I said, shock flashing across her face. "I'm gonna end up having to 'take care' of them, so get the kids out of here." I whispered. Cheerilee gulped a little, but nodded.

"Alright class, it's time to get going!" She called out, getting a chorus of disappointment in reply. "Mark said it's not safe, so he's making sure we don't get hurt." Great, tell them that while the CMCs are there. Apple lingered behind, but I told her to go with the others.

"You rang?" Gunney did a good impression of Lerch as the squad came up next to me.

"As of right now, you're Raptor squad." I said, before looking at them. "How many ops have you run on a ship?"

"One or two." Nutcracker answered, tapping the butt of his SCAR-H. "Why do you ask?"

"Bill, Schmidt, and you four are gonna take the ship out in the middle of the lake." I said, looking back out over the water. "If there're any prisoners, cut them loose or mercy kill them if they can't be saved."

"How many are we looking at?" Chief questioned.

"Anywhere between twenty to a hundred pirates." I answered. They nodded and stood there for a moment, before Schmidt came up.

"Ready to assault a ship, Mark." He said with a salute. I grinned and went to the water's edge.

"This will be an amphibious assault." I told the six of them, Bill having joined a second or two ago. "The objective is roughly two hundred meters out into the lake, so it won't be that bad of a trip. I do, however, have civilian confirmation that there is... something, in the water, so be careful."

"What type of 'something', are we talking about?" Ash asked.

"Giant squid or something," I shrugged. "It chased the girls away, but I don't know for certain if it will actually attempt to eat you or not. Beyond the squid, this will be a simple hit and run operation, so I expect you all to be done within an hour, tops."

"Stick with your diving buddy after you select them. Any questions?" I finished, stopping my pacing and turning to them.

"None, sir!" They chorused. I smiled a little and nodded.

"Then get moving, soldiers!" I barked out, suddenly deadly serious. Their training kicked in and they sprinted past me and into the water in groups of two, getting about ten feet past the shore by the time I turned around.

[Bill]

I had full faith in the fact that my helmet would keep me supplied with air for half an hour, but even with all my training in the new armor, I still had a lingering doubt in the back of my head when I went underwater. Next to me, I could tell Schmidt was thinking the same thing.

"Man's world is above the waves," he said over the radio. "He should never venture beneath its surface."

"Something tells me you don't like the water, Schmidt." Gunney said. "To be honest, I feel the same."

"I was stationed on a U-boat for a brief time and barely survived a depth-charge attack…" the German growled. "I have hated being underwater ever since."

"Wow, sorry to hear that."

"So what keeps you from panicking Gunny?" I questioned her, more for the benefit of Schmidt.

"Knowing that my squad mates have my back." She answered. "You should know the same, Schmidt. Even if it doesn't seem so, everyone has your back. Even those you were fighting."

"...Right." He sighed, shaking his head and activating the underwater flashlight on his helmet.

The others proceeded to do the same and we continued forward.

We arrived under the hull of the ship, near the anchor, with no sign of the super squid or whatever it was. I completely doubted its existence, but weirder shit's appeared in Ponyville… like a C5 Galaxy falling from the sky, tanks from two different eras rumbling about, and we humans just to name a few.

"We breach the hull?" Clockwork questioned.

"Negative," I shook my head. "Mark wants the cargo, and our bullets won't kill them if they're in the water, unless we get right up on them." I answered, grabbing Schmidt. "Surface slowly; you don't want to get the bends."

"These suits are pressurized, Bill." Chief pointed out. I just stared at him, causing him to sigh.

"What are the bends?" Schmidt asked me on a private channel. I switched over to it as we slowly kicked towards the surface, about 70 yards above us.

"The Bends are when a diver surfaces too quickly." I told him. "The pressurized air in their blood expands and cripples or kills them in seconds."

"That is why I think humans should stay on land." Schmidt muttered.

I was not gonna tell him to suck it the fuck up like my instructors told one trainee in my class. I'm not a sadist, dammit.

"Clockwork, on me and Schmidt. We'll take starboard." I muttered. "Gunney, Chief, and Nutcracker, you assault on the port. From what I saw earlier, there are wooden rungs running up her side amid-ship, use them."

"Got it." They replied, a figure swimming over to us as we hit the hull and used it to our advantage. We swiftly ascended to the surface and started climbing up as quietly as possible. "We're in position." Nutcracker told me right after I settled in.

"Over in five." I muttered, before counting down as we climbed up the side. "Breach!" I said, flinging myself over the top and drop kicking a pirate in the chest. My ODST armor, weighing in at two hundred pounds, but enchanted to feel like five pounds (to me), caved in his rib cage with an audible crack. Schmidt and Clockwork took care of the nearest ones, MP-40 and P226s in hand.

"Alarm!" one of the cut-throats screamed, but Schmidt silenced him with a single shot to the head.

"Kill the treacherous water daemons!" The captain roared from his place at the helm. About twenty flintlock pistols and rifles fired, three impacting my chest and one ricocheting off of my visor. The armor stayed intact, the damage inflicted by 'shot' that had the same kick as a .45 caliber… or something around that size.

"Returning fire!" Nutcracker called out, dual wielding his SCAR and an M1911 for some reason. I took a moment to glance at Gunney and Schmidt, who looked back at me and gave a shrug.

"Flashbangs." I commanded, causing their hands to go to their grenade pouches. "3, 2, 1, bang 'em!" Schmidt and Gunney pulled the pins and let them fly, while the rest of us needlessly covered them. We didn't even look away as they exploded, our helmets dulling the noise and visors flaring to almost complete black for a split second.

"What sorcery is this?!" A pirate shouted before my boot met skull.

"I am slave to Armok, and he requires human blood to appease him and all of dwarf kind!" I shouted, mostly to unnerve them more than what we've already done. "Blood for Armok!"

"Well, I thought I was the only one here who've played Dwarf Fortress." Mark commented.

"See if you can get a copy of Anon's computer, I believe he has it on there." I muttered to him.

"Why the hell are we talking about the Nintendo hard game? You're supposed to be killing pirates." Mark sighed, probably shaking his head. "Get back to work, Bill." I couldn't reply, as he cut the connection.

[Mark]

"Get back to work Bill." I said before reaching up and turning off my radio. With a sigh I retracted the dark visor and watched the presiding, while I was proud of how efficient my men were, I also felt sorry for the ludicrously out matched pirates.

"Is this slaughter absolutely necessary, Ms. Dune?" An all too familiar voice asked from behind me.

"I'm afraid it is Celestia," I slowly turned and regarded the Sun Princess. "While some pirates from the 17th century were people who were down on their luck or escapees from the white slave trade of 1659, most were hardened criminals." I could tell that these were the latter.

"So you are purging this ship's crew…"

"To protect Ponyville and all of Equestria, yes." I answered as I glanced up at her. "I couldn't take any chances."

"And what do you plan to do about with the ones who make it to shore," she wondered, her head tilted slightly to one side.

"Shore?" Turning my eyes back to the ship, I did indeed find that several of the pirates, upon seeing the futility of fighting the armored monsters, were jumping ship. "… Crap…"

"Mind if I call in some help?" Sunbutt asked as she stepped up to the edge of the lake.

"If they can get here before the pirates can…"

"Callie, I could use your help with a bit of a problem," Celestia cut me off, her horn glowing brightly as she carried on a conversation with someone. "As you can tell, there is a ship in your lake and it's filled with very bad creatures… The ones in armor are part of my military, but the others are not," she paused for a moment to listen to something before continuing. "I release you from your oath for the next two hours… yes… Then I wish you good hunting my friend."

"Who or what is Callie…" I started to ask when a high-pitched scream drew my attention back to the galleon and the purple tentacles now climbing up the stern of the ship.

"Callie Mari," Sunbutt clarified as she watched the swimming pirates disappear one by one, pulled under by the unseen monster. "She is a giant freshwater octopus and an old friend of mine."

"Um, Celestia, I thought you weren't into killing?" I asked as I watched the tentacles attacking the pirates.

"No, I'm not into senseless murder," she shook her head. "But i'm not against nature, Callie is a predator by nature... I'm just letting her hunt her fill."

"That's a purty big loophole you're driving your shit through," I had to point out.

"And you're going to complain?"

"Nope, just making sure we are both on the same page," I smiled, before something came to mind. "Callie Mari… Callie… oh shit," I face hoofed as the name clicked. "Calamari… what is it with you ponies and fucked up names?"

Celestia could only shrug as chaos erupted on the galleon. "You may wish to inform your strike force to not hurt her, or she will retaliate."

"Bill," I called out as I switched my radio back on.

"Holy Christ," was the response I got. "I thought Mark was only kidding about lake monsters!"

"Bill, what ever you do, do not, repeat, do not shoot at the tentacles!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"She is on our side and a friend of Sunbutt's," I then quickly filled him in on who Callie was.

"Ok, ok, so the tentacles are friendly," he sighed, probably not believing his own eyes at the moment. "You heard the General, drive the pirates back towards the rear of the ship!"

After an hour of watching our own version of Pirates of the Caribbean, wherein the Kraken was the good guy, Raptor team had finally cleared the ship and had called me in to supervise cleanup… which mostly consisted of tossing the bodies overboard to an ecstatically happy octopus monster who had already eaten a large number of the crew and was now stashing the rest in her cave somewhere below for later.

Part of the oath Callie took in order to live peacefully in Saddle lake, was that she wouldn't eat any of Celestia's ponies. So the fact that Celestia had let her pig out on human meat for a short time had really made the predator's day… or year… whatever.

As for Celestia herself, she gave us all the time we needed to get what we wanted off the ship, but to expect a team from the Pony Core of Engineers by noon tomorrow. So, pretty much get what the fuck we want and the ponies will be the buzzards.

"So what did the Sun Princess say she was going to do with this thing?" Gunny asked as she gathered up the flintlocks, making a pile of pirate weapons in the middle of the deck.

"Something about maybe turning it into a sky-ship," I said while looking over a beautiful black-powder dueling pistol that had belonged to the galleon's captain. "Has anyone found the cargo manifest yet?"

"I think Schmidt was handling that one," Nutcracker responded after heaving the last of the bodies overboard.

"I think I found it," the ex-SS officer announced as he climbed up from below decks, a ledger held in one hand and Bill following closely behind.

"Any treasure listed in that thing?" Gunny was the first to ask.

"If you're asking about Pirate Gold, then no," Bill shook his head. "But there are other treasures than just gold."

"And what might that be," she shot back.

"My dear Mister Helmut, if you would read off the manifest," Bill turned to the man.

With a shrug Schmidt began to read off the cargo manifest.

Sally Fourth's Cargo Manifest:
17 barrels of heavily salted beef (100 lbs each)
20 barrels of salted pork (100 lbs each)
12 half barrels of straight salt (50 lbs each)
14 half barrels of flower (50 lbs each)
14 half barrels of sugar (50 lbs each)
50 casks of Irish beer (5 gallons each)
225 bottles of sugar cane rum (around 2 quarts each)
160 bottles empty
20 bolts of silk (25 lbs each)
30 hog's heads…

"30 hog's heads?" I questioned.

"30 coffin sized bundles wrapped in waterproofed canvas," Schmidt clarified. "They may be labeled Hog's Heads but that's not what they contain."

"So what do they contain?"

"Dry-pressed tobacco," Bill flashed me a wicked grin. "Around 500 pounds each…"

"Holy fuck!" I suddenly couldn't breathe.

"But… but that's over 7 tons of tobacco," Gunny gasped out in surprise.

"Not all pirates went after gold and jewels," Bill was still grinning like a madman. "Sugar, salt, textiles, and tobacco fetched a hefty sum on the black market."

"Holy fucking shit!" I was whispering to myself. 'YES, THANK YOU ARMOK!'

"Well that's strange…"

The sudden comment snapped me back to reality and found our favorite hyper pink pony straddling my back. "And what pray tell, do you find strange dear Pinkie?"

"All that stuff you listed off adds up to roughly 11 tons of cargo," she said as she slipped to the deck.

"And?"

"Well, this ship is a medium 16th century Spanish Galleon with a cargo capacity of 500 tons," she stated as she trotted over to one of the ship's canons and began to lovingly pet it. "Now you take away the weight of her 24 pounder long guns here, all 32 of them weighing in at 2 tons each and…"

"Pinkie, if you would just get to the point, I'll let you have one…" I wasn't really in the mood to argue and already knew what she was after.

"You Pinkie promise?"

"For the love of god Mark, you wouldn't dare," Bill looked stricken.

Ignoring his protest I nodded to the pink wonder. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The next thing I knew I was having the stuffing squeezed out of my ass as Pinkie bear hugged me chanting "Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"Ok if you add up what's on the cargo manifest, the 32 cannons, the powder and balls to fire each say 8 times, you rang in at under 200 tons," she stated while unlashing her choice in cannons from its moorings.

"So," I pressed.

"This ship is riding at her high water line," she wiggled her eyebrows at me as she pocketed the long-gun… no really, she picked up the 2 ton cannon and slipped it into her magic pocket, it was gone just like that. "So my point is, where is the other 300 tons hiding and what is it?"

"Well fuck me," Bill breathed in astonishment.

"She has a point," Schmidt nodded.

And she did, after searching the Sally Forth from stem to stern; we discovered that her entire bilge was filled with gold… lots and lots of it. But the irony was we were now living in a world where Silver is king and a gold coin might buy you an apple.

Mother. Fucker!

Next Chapter: Tanks! Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 12 Minutes