Yeah, it's May. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

"Why the hell are we in Afghanistan?" I asked, noting the (sadly) familiar room type. A warm breeze blew through the window, blowing some old newspapers in Arabic around.

"I don't know." Time Turner replied, looking at a screen. "The date's December 24th, 2012." I let out an audible sigh that was probably heard in Korea. Either it was the passing jet shaking the room or it was my sigh.

"The day I die..." I said, looking out the open window. The street seemed way too familiar for my liking.

"Hell of a Christmas present for your wife..." Turner muttered, causing me to thunk my head against the wall.

"Can you just fix the TARDIS so we can go buy a tree?" I asked. He took a moment to respond.

"She's being difficult." He finally said, looking at me through the doors. "It'll take an hour to fix her." I nodded as he went back in. I grabbed a chair and sat it in front of the window, watching the buildings. I knew that a fiddy wouldn't be able to kill me, so I didn't care that I was blaring 'open target' to all terrorists.

Fifty minutes later, a Humvee stopped at the far end of the street. Using my helmet's zoom function, I discovered that it was me and my old squad. The three of them moved to the trunk, before my younger self started suiting up.

"I gotta let myself die..." I sighed, looking down at the dust covered floor. "Or else I'll fuck the timeline up."

"As much as I hate to say it, you're smarter than Rose in this sense." Turner called out from the TARDIS.

At that moment, the door started opening to the room we were in and I saw the barrel of an AK-47. Out of an old habit that instantly returned, I drew my M1911A1 and fired four (magically) silenced rounds in rapid succession. Three bullets hit their target, while the fourth embedded itself into the wall. He was dead before he hit the ground; a .45 went clean through his skull.

"Fuck." I muttered, taking a glance out of the window; I was suited up and a third of the way down the street. As I watched, my younger self shot my squad mates the finger. Muttering another curse, I went over to the dead guy and pried the AK-47 from his grip. Even though I knew it must be done, I would be kicking myself for years.

Three feet from the half buried IED, I aimed my new weapon. Younger me paused for a second before dropping twenty pounds of C-4 and turning to run. Exhaling, I squeezed the trigger once, sending a 7.62mm bullet out of the barrel of the gun. A large explosion shook the building; it was a cluster of IEDs packed together.

"I knew that I had no choice, but it feels wrong..." I sigh, staring at a scratch on my helmet.

"Hey, I was killed by my wife, in front of my wife, who proceeded to try and kill my wife, while my best friend was off to the side pregnant with my wife." Turner said, trying to cheer me up.

"That happens a lot in Utah, actually." I said with a small chuckle, popping a bullet out of the AK magazine. Bastard I took it from had AP rounds. At least I left more of a body than I thought; only the lower half of my body was completely missing. My wife would at least get something to bury besides hair.

"Something wrong, sir?" A Wal-mart cashier asked me a 'week' earlier.

"My father died." I half lied. Even if they'd believe me, I couldn't just say that I killed myself.

"I'm sorry for your loss." She said with a frown, accepting the $100 I handed to her. Nothing says Christmas in America like a plastic tree!

"Keep the change." I said, hefting the box onto a shoulder and walking away before she could protest. I'd probably just given her a Christmas bonus of $70.

"Do you have everything you need?" Turner asked as I pushed the box into my pocket.

"One more thing, for somebody special." I said, pulling out a medium sized box. "Christmas day, 2012." With the normal whrr, we were off once again.

"God, how I wish I could just walk in there..." I sighed, glancing down at my feet at our 'guard spider', Mugs. I named the beautiful son of a bitch after the Securitron in New Vegas. Lil' bastard recognized his owner, even after I had extra years under my belt. I gave him a cracker as I sat down on the doormat.

"Is it even possible for him to eat that?" Turner asked as he watched the six inch camel spider eat the shit out of the food.

"Mugs is like Pinks; an exception to the universe and a neon sign of fuck you to evolution." I told him. "I spent five years missing him, so he's coming back with us."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Amber never really liked him, anyway." I shrugged. "She loves me and all, but she can't stand the various animals I bring home sometimes."

"What was the worst one?" He asked as I quietly opened the door and slipped my (and by extention, Celestia's) present into our house.

"Huntsman spider." I responded, lifing Mugs up and placing him on my shoulder. "She threw my lucky brick at it as soon as she saw it." I explained as I got back to my feet.

Right before I shut the TARDIS' doors behind me, I threw a rock and hit the door. Almost instantly, Groucho (German Shephard of 10 years) started barking.

I didn't get to see my wife as she looked out in confusion, before noticing what I left. I wasn't able to hear her gasp as she opened the box and saw the hundred 24 karat gold bits that were inside. I wasn't able to hold her as she cried softly after reading the letter I wrote to her. At least I already decided to take Mugs, so the letter explained where he went off to.

"You're gonna love your new home, Mugs." I told my pet. "All the table scraps you can eat, as long as you still enjoy apple products. Just try and be nice to the others." I swear, Mugs understood everything I just said, because he nodded. Then again, the TARDIS automatically translates for her passengers, no matter the species. Since he had no vocal cords, he couldn't reply.

I'd shit myself if he did.