"Hey barkeep," I gave a friendly wave as I leaned heavily on the dark wooden bar. "The usual."

Over an hour ago Duffy, Schmidt and I had been at a restaurant trying to enjoy a peaceful lunch over a tactical pow-wow (football football tournament, worldwide football, not American), when Twilight had rushed in all excited over something. By the time Schmidt had calmed her down enough to make heads and tails out of her bullshit, a cold pit was starting to form in my gut.

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh… Princess Celestia is coming back to Ponyville and needs my help," she exclaimed happily as she visibly vibrated in anticipation. "I can't believe it, Helm, she needs MY help!"

"And that my comrades," I sighed, "was the sound of my day getting fucked up the ass, and not in a good way. There is a pitchfork involved somewhere, I can just feel it."

Twilight had expressed her disapproval at my words, trying to preach the good Sunbutt had done over the past thousand years, and that since Max had become her royal consort, the princess had left me alone… but I really wasn't in the mood. Never am when it comes to Sunbutt.

So, as soon as I saw the flying chariot of pure fucking gold landing in the center of town, I made a beeline to the local watering hole and called for the usual.

"Hello General, fighting the good fight," a soft voice asked from my right, unintentionally referencing Three Dog. "Or just out to torture your liver?"

"The liver is evil bastard and must be punished," I said in a Russian accent as I placed a third shot glass face down on the bar with a clack. However as I glanced at the mare who had spoken up, I happen to freeze.

She was a human, one I had never seen before. She had a fairly large bust, thin waist and good sized hips, though the latter was somewhat hidden by the ankle length sun dress she was wearing. The only thing that made me question whether she was real or not was the off pink hair that cascaded down past her ass. Then again, I've seen pictures of women with far worse hairstyles than hers.

"I'm terribly sorry," I blinked in confusion. "But do I know you?"

"In a way," she gave a shrug, her visible cleavage bobbing with the movement of her shoulders in a way that made me wish for these ponies to have something other than crotchtits. I pushed that thought out of both of my heads a second later; I did not need AJ on my case. "Though we haven't always seen eye to eye."

"Huh." My confusion deepened until she turned her face towards me and I looked into her violet eyes. "No. Fucking. Way." Fucking hell. Seriously?

"Yeah, the bitch is here," she sighed as she waved down the barkeep. "Whisky please?"

"But," I watched on as the keeper placed the shot before her. "...Fuck it." I muttered, getting another shot from Pale Mead.

"Would you like to know why I did not want you and the rest of the humans here in Equestria?" She asked once I got my vodka.

"Uh…" yet she continued before I could make a decision.

"Loyalty," she said as she picked up the 8 ounce glass and gazed into the smoky amber liquid. "The world where you came from, the lot of you were willing to die for your brothers in arms, your gods, and your countries." Celestia took a deep breath as she continued to look into the glass. "But none of you hold any loyalty to the crown or my little ponies …and I feared that…"

"But all of us (save for Shelton and o'Drake) have taken ponies as lovers." Hell, I was half tempted to tell her that I'm an Atheist(along with a few others, and some Christians slowly gave their religions up.) and Schmidt hated being a Nazi, but that was just white noise at this point. "And that includes you and Max."

"I know that now," there was now a smile on her red lips. "And that is one of the things that brings me here."

"And I take it the other would have to do with why you're suddenly human?"

"This would be the work of Shining Armor," she giggled, "He thought Max was bucking Twilight, so he added poison joke powder to our body wash."

"So what happened to Max?" I asked, already thinking of possibilities. She withdrew a small photograph from somewhere (that dress DID NOT have pockets, so I had to use my dirty imagination) and let me see. Max ended up as Celestia's male counterpart. Mane and everything.

After finally catching my breath from laughing my ass off, I took a moment to wipe the tears from my eyes. "You know, I've had my own run in with that bloody plant; wound up a filly for a few days… I think Big Mac found me attractive as a pony. Jesus, that was awkward."

"Tell you what, I'll drink to you once being a pony," she held her glass out towards mine. "If you drink to me being a human?"

"I can live with that," and together we clanked glasses and tossed back our drinks.

"So," I finally asked once the pleasant burn subsided. "Besides getting the cure from Zecora, what else brought you to Ponyville?"

"To say that I'm sorry for being such a bitch," Celestia said as she placed her 'shot glass' down and tossed a few bits on the counter. "I'm not here asking for forgiveness for the way I acted towards you personally, it was unforgivable… but all the same, I'm truly sorry."

With that said she gave me a wink and walked back out into the world.

"...The fuck just happened?" I asked Mead as he passed me another shot. He simply shrugged and went back to wiping out glasses with some cool tricks with his wings.

'I'd figure she'd be older as a human...' I thought as I had two more shots, paid for my shit, and left. I was only slightly tipsy and I had a trace amount of slur in my voice, so I knew it was a good idea to stop when I did. Haven't gotten fully drunk yet, and I never will. Hopefully.

[Half an Hour Later]

"Yes, Mark?" Max questioned when I got on the horn with him. Yep, sounds like a male Sunbutt.

"When she gets back to the castle and all that schisse you're dealing with is over..." I started, "let her know that I forgive her."

"Who?" He asked, sounding a little confused. Seems she originally came here to talk with Twi and Zecora.

Her thought process must've been as follows; 'Oh, I'm in the same town as somebody I distrust, so I'll just pop in to say hi while in public, so he can't hurt me. I'll give him some words and it'll be water under the bridge.'

Clever girl... Still, at least I don't have to be so paranoid around her. Being married (more or less, we haven't had a formal ceremony, but everyone in town pretty much acts like we are) to the Element of Honesty for over three years, her lie detecting skills have somewhat rubbed off on me.

It also doesn't help that ponies are less subtle than a nuclear bomb going off when they try to lie; Celestia is by far the best one and she's only a little more subtle than a train wreck.

"Sunbutt visited me in the bar and apologized." I replied. "Tell her that I accept it and will cease all hostile comments, unless they're in jest." I cut it off before he could reply, and felt something odd happen.

I owed somebody bits. And that somebody happened to be Applejack.

[A week later]

The Apple family, Apple, Schmidt, Twilight and Scoots, Dawn and Jane, Doc and Fluttershy, and I were walking towards a clearing in Whitetail woods for a peaceful lunch when somebody (possibly Lunacae) decided it would be a good time to do a certain act.

Dawn suddenly gave out a shout. "Mark, heads up!"

Luckily, the outcry gave me enough of a warning to duck out of the way as a parachutist dropped out of the midday sky. This time, instead of having somebody land on me and break something, it was one very unlucky red stallion who was slammed to the ground.

With all of us looking on in stunned silence, Big Mac and the whoever tumbled head over hooves into a heap, the white chute drifting down to cover them before we could get a look at who it was.

"On it," Doc jumped into action, rushing over to the covered lump and began digging though the silk. They were tangled all to fuck, so it was hard.

"Don't just stand around with your thumbs up your arses," I snapped at the people around me. "Help the man out!" Even as I said it, I started helping.

Hands and hooves worked together to uncover the pair, only for everyone to suddenly stop and stare. Before them lay Big Macintosh on his back, a brunette woman in a shape hugging flight suit atop him with her head in his crotch… his snout pressed into hers.

"Ah did not need to see that," Applejack flinched and looked away. I cringed like a bitch, but didn't look away.

"Anyone get the number of that bus," the woman asked as she groggily nuzzled the red stallion's balls and sheath, only to gasp and quickly sit up, her eyes wide. "Oh shit!"

"Ya'll mind getting off mah brother?" At first, AJ's words caused the woman to look down and take note of the even redder pony nestled between her thighs… and then realization struck.

"Holy fuck, a talking horse!" She snapped as she swiftly scrambled off Big Mac, pulled a knife from her right boot, a pistol from a hip holster, and dropped into a fighting stance.

"What's your name and rank solder!" I shouted before she could let of a round. I didn't draw my M1911A1 in a sign of faith in the gods of this realm or some shit.

In half a second, she spun around and faced off at me, knifehand about to become activated. "You first," she demanded.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC." I answered. The EM part could wait.

"Right," she slipped her knife back into its sheath and snapped into a salute. "Flight Lieutenant Judy Higgins, call sign Dorothy, 445th Airlift Wing, Wright-Patterson USAF."

'Judy Higgins... Where the fuck di-' I thought, before my eyes widened. Looking at Dawn, his were wider than usual.

"Do you happen to know a Master Sergeant Max Rex, callsign 'T-Rex'?" I asked, fishing around for something to contact Sunbutt. Her surprise radiated from where she was standing, so I knew that she knew him.

"Is he alright?" She quickly asked as I started writing something down with a pen (picked up from the C-5).

"Bring Max to my location. NOW." The note read. With a small flash of light from Dawn's horn, it disappeared from my hands once I nodded my head.

"We have a lot to talk about, miss Higgins." I said. She frowned, but my tone of voice said that she shouldn't argue.

"Let's talk, then." She said, sitting down right there. Luckily, we had barely arrived at the spot where we were to set up when she dropped in, so nobody complained.

"So, first thing's first..." I started, taking a seat next to AJ and Apple. "How long has it been since you were on Hannah?"

"About thirty seconds... How do you know the name of the C-5?" She answered, narrowing her eyes a little.

"Because the bird is having an airfield being built around her." I answered, before realizing what she said. "Did you say thirty seconds?" With her nod, I swore.

"Why?" She asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Because Max crashed Hannah here two weeks ago." I answered, causing her to lean back in shock.

"What the hell?!" I heard her mutter, causing me to sigh.

"I don't know, either." I said with a shake of my head. "But I can say that Max is alive and doing quite well."

'Who's Max?' Apple asked, tilting her head while holding onto my scalp to not fall off.

'The guy who appeared in the flying machine we've fixed.' I replied.

'Oh.' Apple hmm'd, and started eating lunch.

We pretty much mellowed Judy out before Max got here, so that was a plus.

Next Chapter: Death is The End Estimated time remaining: 9 Hours, 40 Minutes