Grandma's Kisses: MLP-style

---

Hiya, folks! Been awhile, hasn't it? Here's another MLP/SpongeBob parody, starring Fluttershy as SpongeBob, Pinkie Pie as Patrick, and my OC Grandma Shy as Grandma SquarePants. Enjoy, and be on the lookout for a reference to Ernest Hemingway!

I do not own MLP or SpongeBob.

---

Guest-starring Phyllis Smith as Grandma Shy

---

(We open to see Fluttershy in Cloudsdale, gazing fondly up a path leading to a little cottage nestled into the clouds.)

Fluttershy: There it is - Grandma's house! What wonders await me today? Fresh-baked cookies? Storytime? A sweater with love in every stitch? (As she speaks, visions of these treats appear in thought bubbles.) Ooh, what am I waiting for?!

(The Element of Kindness rushes eagerly up the path, calling out to let her grandmother know of her arrival.)

Fluttershy: Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

(The house's front door opens to reveal Grandma Shy, an elderly turquoise pegasus mare with a wavy whitened mane and tail, bespectacled brown eyes, and a bouquet of marigolds for a cutie mark - she also wears a golden-yellow velvet scarf. She holds out her forelegs for the incoming hug.)

Grandma: Fluttershy!

(Fluttershy runs straight into her arms and returns the embrace.)

Fluttershy: Hi, Grandma!

(Grandma leads Fluttershy inside and shows her to the kitchen.)

Grandma: Come in and sit for awhile.

(Fluttershy sits at the table, while Grandma retrieves a platter of oatmeal-raisin cookies and a glass of milk.)

Grandma: Have a cookie, Fluttershy!

Fluttershy: Grandma, you make the best cookies in all of Equestria! (She takes one and dunks it in the milk.) Oh, yeah.

(She takes a bite and chews slowly, savoring the flavor. When she swallows, her eyes take the form of giant cookies.)

Fluttershy: (dreamily) Grandma's cookies...

Grandma: And who wants to lick the spoon?

Fluttershy: (squees and waves her hoof in the air) Me! Me! Me!

---

(The scene transitions to the living room. Grandma sits in a rocking chair, while Fluttershy lies on the floor at her feet, licking a wooden spoon covered in cookie dough.)

Grandma: ...and we rode all the way home with all the windows down in the freezing cold.

Fluttershy: Tell me another story about when I was a baby.

(But before Grandma gets the chance, her cuckoo clock strikes 3.)

Fluttershy: (gasps) Oh, my - 3 o'clock? I'd better get home to feed my critter friends!

Grandma: I'll come to see you off - I need to get out more, anyway!

(Grandmother and granddaughter share a laugh.)

---

(We cut to Fluttershy and Grandma flying toward Ponyville.)

Fluttershy: I can take it from here - thanks for having me, Grandma! (She begins to descend into town.)

Grandma: Fluttershy, you forgot your kissy-kissy!

Fluttershy: I sure did! (She flies back up, and she and Grandma exchange kisses on both cheeks - unbeknownst to Fluttershy, she now has a kissing mark on each cheek.) Bye!

(Fluttershy descends once again, humming the My Little Pony theme song. It isn't long before she notices everypony in town snickering.)

Fluttershy: How nice! Everypony's in such a good mood today!

(From up on a cloud, Rainbow Dash notices the commotion, smirks, and zips down to her foalhood friend.)

Rainbow Dash: I hate to burst your bubble, Fluttershy; but they're laughing at you - not with you!

Fluttershy: (growing embarrassed) Oh, my! What did I do?

Rainbow Dash: (pointing) Your cheeks?

Fluttershy: My cheeks? But I washed my face before I left for Grandma's...

Sassaflash: (obnoxiously) Hey! Hey, Grandma's girl! Kissy, kissy, kissy!

(This prompts a roar of laughter from everypony within hearing range, including Rainbow Dash.)

Fluttershy: (faltering) No! You're wrong! Th-there's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!

Sassaflash: Naw! 'Specially if you're a big baby - who wears diapers! (Everypony laughs again; Sassaflash decides to keep up the mocking.) And - and sucks her hoof, and plays with dolls, and - um - (By now, the other townsfolk are starting to lose interest.) wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries her - um, uh - blankie around, and...

Townsfolk: ALRIGHT, ALREADY!

Rainbow Dash: (smirking) Cheer up, Fluttershy. I know somepony who still likes you.

Fluttershy: Really? You do, Dashie?

Rainbow Dash: Yeah - your grandma!

(Everypony roars with laughter once again. Fluttershy glances down at her cheeks and tries to rub the kissing marks off, but to no avail. Rainbow Dash and the townsfolk have now gathered together, looming over her and laughing even harder. Fluttershy flies over to the creek and desperately splashes some water on her face, only to lose her balance and fall in. When she reemerges, the townsfolk gang up on her, laughing harder than ever. With watering eyes and trembling lips, the sensitive pegasus is reaching the end of her tether.)

Fluttershy: STOP IT! (Everypony stops; Fluttershy stands up.) I have been publicly humiliated for the last time!

(Fluttershy runs off, crying. Rainbow Dash can't help rubbing the back of her neck guiltily.)

---

(That evening, Pinkie Pie has dropped by Fluttershy's cottage to offer her friend some consolation. The two mares sit in the living room, each with a cup of tea.)

Pinkie: I'm sorry that happened to you, Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: (glumly) Me too.

Pinkie: You're one of the most adult ponies I know!

Fluttershy: (giving a small smile) Thanks, Pinkie.

Pinkie: You know how grandmas are: they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her!

Fluttershy: (determinedly) You're right, Pinkie!

Pinkie: Have I ever not been right?

(We cut to several flashbacks of shenanigans Pinkie has gotten Fluttershy into: first, we see Fluttershy sitting nervously on top of a giant firework rocket, which Pinkie has just lit; next, we see Pinkie holding a giant pumpkin over Fluttershy, who is lying on her back with a giant funnel in her mouth; finally, we see both mares standing bipedally and wearing black thong bikinis, while a wolf whistle is heard off-camera.)

Pinkie: You're a mare now, Fluttershy, and it's time you started acting like one!

Fluttershy: (jumping up) Yay! (pause) Ooh, but I'm not sure I know how.

Pinkie: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. (Fluttershy does so.) Now say "tax exemption"!

Fluttershy: Tax exemption.

Pinkie: Now, you must acquire a taste for...free-form jazz!

(Both mares pull ridiculously thoughtful faces, while an up-tempo, jazzy version of "Music in the Treetops" plays in the background.)

Pinkie: Okey-dokey, Fluttershy - you're ready!

---

(A few days later, Fluttershy is once again in Cloudsdale, on the path leading up to her grandmother's cottage. Pinkie is accompanying her, having gotten Twilight's protection charm earlier.)

Pinkie: This is it. What are you gonna tell Grandma?

Fluttershy: I'm a grownup!

Pinkie: No ifs, ands, or buts about it!

Fluttershy: A mare's gotta do what a mare's gotta do!

Pinkie: And then you get behind her and I'll push!

Fluttershy: (alarmed) Pinkie, we didn't say that!

Pinkie: Oh, yeah - right.

Fluttershy: All we need now is the icing on the maturity cake. (She takes out a small spray bottle.) Rarity gave this to me as a birthday present, just for special occasions.

(She sprays herself, then Pinkie. Both mares strike ladylike poses.)

Fluttershy and Pinkie: Perfume!

(They walk up the path, and Fluttershy knocks on the door. A few moments later, Grandma opens it and comes out.)

Grandma: Oh, hello, Fluttershy! What a nice surprise! Come here - give your granny her kissy-kissy!

(Fluttershy freezes in horror as Grandma puckers her lips. But just as she's about to give her granddaughter a smooch, her lips are blocked by a motoring helmet with a crossed-out kissing mark printed on the top. Fluttershy removes the helmet, and begins to speak in a dignified tone of voice.)

Fluttershy: Sorry, Grandmother; but the kissing has to stop.

Pinkie: Tell her like it is, Fluttershy - no more baby stuff!

Fluttershy: She is right, Grandmother. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature's way.

Grandma: Oh! You are absolutely right!

Fluttershy: (surprised) I am? (resumes her dignified voice) I mean, of course I am.

Grandma: You will certainly not be treated like a baby around here ever again.

Fluttershy: (putting on a flowered sunhat) I am glad you see it my way, Grandmother.

Grandma: Well, I'm glad that's settled. (She then holds out a platter of warm oatmeal-raisin cookies.) But what am I going to do with all these fresh-baked cookies?

Fluttershy: (chuckles haughtily) Sorry, Grandmother. We adults don't partake in the consumption of sweets. (She turns to Pinkie, but isn't until she's mid-sentence that she notices her quirky friend isn't there.) Right, Pin...kie?

(We cut to Grandma's kitchen, where Pinkie is seated at the table and gorging herself on cookies.)

Pinkie: Keep 'em comin', Granny!

(She gobbles more and more down. Fluttershy glares through the window.)

Fluttershy: So much for no more baby stuff.

(What Grandma does next makes Fluttershy boil: she takes out a funny hat and places it on Pinkie's head.)

Grandma: And don't forget the cookie-eating hat!

(She laughs, and Pinkie joins in.)

Fluttershy: Hey! That's my cookie-eating hat! Uh - I mean it was when I was a baby!

(She growls under her breath, marches around to the front door, and knocks. Grandma answers shortly afterward.)

Grandma: Well, look who's here! It's my big old adult granddaughter!

Fluttershy: Grandmother, I need to have a mature conversation with Miss Pinkie.

(In the kitchen, Pinkie is still guzzling contentedly. Enter Fluttershy.)

Fluttershy: (in a loud whisper) Pinkie! What are you doing?! Cookies? Warm milk? A bib?! Is that a kissing mark on your cheek? (She pounds her hooves on the table.) We are supposed to be adults!

Grandma: Ah, ah, ah! No roughhousing with a full tummy! (She tickles Pinkie's belly, which makes the childlike Earth mare giggle.) Who's a baby?

Pinkie: (pounding her hooves on the table) I'm the baby! I'm the baby! I'm the baby!

Fluttershy: *Ahem!*

Pinkie: Being grown up is boring! I love being a baby! Besides, I don't get jazz!

Fluttershy: (chuckles, resuming her previous haughty tone) Poor Pinkie. I almost sorry for you. (She takes out a paper fan and airs herself.) Trapped in the awkward phase of diaper days, never to know the rich rewards of being a grownup!

Grandma: Here's a fresh batch of cookies!

Pinkie: Alright! (She begins to eat.) Rewards, huh?

Fluttershy: Well, yeah! There's... (Her protests are quickly interrupted by Pinkie's munching.) Ooh, let's see - uh - we went over the jazz...

(A cookie rolls toward her, but Pinkie snatches it out of her reach, spraying crumbs in Fluttershy's face as she wolfs it down. She munches some more, then thoroughly licks her lips.)

Pinkie: Aw, Grandma, I'm full!

Grandma: (takes out a third batch) More cookies!

(Despite being full, Pinkie sucks the fresh cookies up into her mouth like a vacuum, even extending her lips onto the plate so she doesn't miss a single one. One, however, rolls over to Fluttershy, who taps her hooves together with a hopeful smile, hums innocently, then checks her wristwatch.)

Fluttershy: It appears to be my lunch hour. Grownups have to eat too. I suppose this will have to do...

(But before she can pick up the cookie, Grandma pulls it away.)

Grandma: Oh, you don't want this baby food. How about a big piece of steamed horseradish? (She produces said vegetable.)

Fluttershy: Oh, yeah, uh...great. (She takes a big bite, wincing at the horseradish's bitter taste.) Nutritious...

Grandma: (calling Pinkie from off-camera) Storytime!

Pinkie: Oh, boy! Storytime, storytime, storytime! (She bounces to the living room.)

Fluttershy: (pouting with her mouth still full) Storytime?

(Cut to the living room. Grandma sits in her rocking chair holding a storybook, while Pinkie sits on the floor beside her.)

Grandma: You'll enjoy this, Pinkie. It's a wonderful story about a magical leprechaun pony. (Enter Fluttershy.) Oh, Fluttershy, you wouldn't be interested in this baby book. (She tosses a novel at her granddaughter's feet.) Here's A Farewell to Hooves.

Fluttershy: (reluctantly) Oh, uh, great. (She picks up the book and opens it.) No pictures, just the way I like it. (to herself in a hushed, frightened voice) And full of war, and violence, and tragedy! (whimpers)

(Meanwhile, Pinkie is eating yet another cookie, but accidentally bites her hoof in the process.)

Pinkie: (tearfully) OW! My poow hoofy!

Grandma: Hold still, hold still. (She kisses Pinkie's hoof, while Fluttershy looks on, stunned.) All better?

Pinkie: (innocently) Sorta. This hoof hurts a little bit too!

(Fluttershy grimaces enviously as Grandma kisses Pinkie again.)

Grandma: How about I give you a present?

(Pinkie now has a wrapped box in front of her: she tears it open with gusto.)

Pinkie: Oh, boy! I hope it's cookies! (She tosses away the box's cover, which lands on Fluttershy's face.) Alright! Another hat! (She puts the "hat" on her head.)

Grandma: No, Pinkie, it's a sweater!

Fluttershy: (taking the box lid off her face) Huh?

Grandma: With love in every stitch!

Fluttershy: (crushed) No! (Two thought bubbles appear above her head, one containing a vision of Fluttershy in a sweater of her own, the other containing a heart symbol. Suddenly, the sweater disappears, instantly followed by the heart splitting in half. Fluttershy walks imploringly up to Grandma, while Pinkie tries to pull her new sweater over her head.) Don't I get a present, Grandma?

Grandma: Oh! I almost forgot! (She reaches off-camera, then places some paper, a pencil, a pair of scissors, a roll of tape, a stapler, and a ruler into Fluttershy's expectant arms.) Here's some office supplies. I didn't wrap them - I knew you wouldn't mind.

(At that moment, the cuckoo clock strikes 3.)

Grandma: (getting up) Uh-oh! 3 o'clock - time for adults to go to work. Bye-bye, Fluttershy! (She turns to Pinkie, who has finally gotten her head out of the sweater.) I'll bet you'd fancy a nap; huh, Pinkie?

(Pinkie yawns sleepily as Grandma escorts her to the sofa. Fluttershy can only look on in defeat.)

Grandma: You're still here, Fluttershy?

Fluttershy: Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I'm sure the animals can wait awhile.

Grandma: (laying a quilt on top of Pinkie) No, no, no - that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.

Fluttershy: (heading for the door) Alright, uh...I guess I'll be going. I've - uh - got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so - uh - I'll see you later.

Grandma: Okay. Thanks for stopping by, Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: (at the door) Yep. That is it. Here I go.

Grandma: Come again if you get the chance.

Fluttershy: (opens the door) Out into the cold, grownup world...alone...without a sweater. (She steps outside.)

Grandma: Toodleloo!

Fluttershy: I...don't know when I'll be back.

Grandma: I know how busy you are.

Fluttershy: So, uh...that's it.

Grandma: (whispering) Shh - she's asleep. (Sure enough, Pinkie is snoring.)

Fluttershy: (slowly closes the door) Sooooooo looooonnng...

(There is a pause; then Fluttershy slams the door back open, her face full of despair. As her sunhat falls to the floor, she launches into a lengthy, emotional outburst, while unabashedly displaying her desires one after another.)

Fluttershy: I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I WANT COOKIES! AND MILKY! I WANT A SWEATER WITH LOVE IN THE STITCHES! I WANNA WEAR DIAPEES! I WANNA RIDE IN MY STROLLER! I WANNA CUDDLE-WUDDLE WITH MR. STUFFYKINS! I WANNA PEDAL-PEDAL ON MY TRIKEY! AND I WANT KISSY-KISSY ON MY BOO-BOO!

(Finally at the end of her tether, the heartbroken pegasus bursts into hysterical tears, and throws herself to the floor. She flails her limbs, then curls into the fetal position and rolls herself back and forth, sobbing harder and harder. Grandma can only look on in shocked sorrow. Fluttershy then cries torrents of tears into her mouth, prompting Grandma to put a concerned hoof to her cheek. Growing more and more hysterical every second, Fluttershy begins imitating a lawn sprinkler: she rotates from (viewer's) right to (viewer's) left as if on a turntable, spraying streams of tears in her wake - then, when she comes to a stop, she shakes violently from side to side, sprinkling still more tears in all directions. Grandma can no longer bear to see her granddaughter so upset: she comfortingly takes her in her arms. But Fluttershy is crying so hard she doesn't even notice.)

Grandma: Take it easy, Fluttershy. (Fluttershy continues to wail.) Fluttershy. Fluttershy! (By now, Fluttershy's sobs have turned to hyperventilations, which only cease when Grandma puts a hoof to her mouth. When she takes it away, we can see that her entire house is now flooded with Fluttershy's tears - how Pinkie managed to sleep through all this is beyond my knowledge.)

Grandma: You don't have to be a baby to get ol' Grandma's love!

Fluttershy: (sniffs) I don't?

Grandma: (pulling a random plug which lets all the tears drain away) Of course not! No matter how grown-up you get, you will always be my little baby girl! (She tickles Fluttershy, then kisses her forehead.) And remember: you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. (She hands Fluttershy her forgotten perfume bottle and a homemade oatmeal-raisin cookie.) Here you go.

(Feeling much happier, Fluttershy sprays herself, then accepts the cookie.)

Fluttershy: Thanks, Grandma. (She takes a bite and chews, savoring every particle of flavor, then swallows contentedly.) Uh, Grandma? Could you not mention this to anypony else?

Grandma: No problem.

(Grandmother and granddaughter share a warm hug. But unbeknownst to them, Rainbow Dash and a few other pegasi have witnessed everything from outside - they snicker quietly.)

---

Fin!