Author's notes: My word was this a hilarious one. Pretty much all the jokes here hit bullseyes, there is some great education about how engines work and we get some callbacks too. Let's go.

Steamroller

Narrator: Sir Handel kept slipping in between the rails and derailing more frequently, no matter how careful he was.

(In the repair sheds, Pipsqueak is examining Sir Handel with Mr. Hawkins, Mr. Holden, Mr. Roberts and Featherweight)

Pipsqueak: Ah ha. There's the culprit (points at the wheels) It's your wheels Sir Handel.

Sir Handel: My wheels? What's wrong with my wheels.

Pipsqueak: Well actually, it's not your wheels, it's more so your wheels treads. Your wheels are the correct gauged to 2 ft 3 in (686 mm) which is the railways official gauge. However, I've done a closer examination of Skarloey, Peter Sam, Rusty and Duncan's wheels and I did a closer examination of the track gauge and it turns out that the gauge is correctly 2 ft 3 inches but it's 0.5 inches (13 mm) wider than the official gauge, most likely a deliberate policy by the old company that previously owned the railway to accommodate the long wheelbase of Skarloey and Rheneas. Both of which were given wide wheel treads that allowed them to stay on the rails.

Mr. Holden: Oh, I see now, so that's why he kept derailing. So what we need to do is just simply give him slightly broader wheels.

Pipsqueak: Exactly. Then he'll run without any more derailments.

Mr. Hawkins: Oh that's great Pipsqueak. You are so clever. Princess Luna and the Thin controller sure knew what they were doing when they made you a preservation member.

Pipsqueak: Oh nothing to it mate. Glad to be of service anytime.

Narrator: Pipsqueak was as good as word. By spring of May 1961, Sir Handel was finally given his new wheels and was very proud of how sturdy they were. They have broader tires and hold well to the rails, but they were unusual. The other ponies and engines sometimes teased him.

Duncan: Hey look! It's steamroller wheels!

Scootaloo: Hahahahaha. Good one Duncan, or better yet, it's roll pin wheels!

All foals/Engines: Oh look at his steamroller wheels! hahahaha

Sir Handel: You shut up! Your jealous!

Narrator: Peter Sam couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Sir Handel.

Peter Sam: Don't worry Sir Handel. The engines all teased me about my special giesel injector funnel, until they learned how useful it is, including you mind you.

Sir Handel: Hey! I said I was sorry. Sheesh!

Peter Sam: I was just playing with you Sir Handel. Anyway, your wheels are also very special.

Sir Handel: Heh, did you here that? My wheels are special like Peter Sam's funnel! Now I can go faster than any of you and perhaps even faster than Rainbow Dash!

Engines/foals: YOU'LL NEVER?!

Narrator: The engines were surprised. Sir Handel's trains were usually late.

Scootaloo: PAH! Rainbow Dash can beat you in race any day.

Narrator: Skarloey winked to the others and they grinned. They knew that he had plan.

Skarloey: Oh. With your grand wheels Sir Handel, your just the engine to tackle George.

Sir Handel: And who dare I ask, is George?

Narrator: Mr. Holden was eating lunch nearby with Miss Ravens, Mr Hawkins and Mr Roberts overheard and also wondered about George as well, so they told them.

(Flashback)

Narrator: Whilst Sir Handel was in the workshops waiting for his new wheels, workmen had come to widen the road which ran for a mile or two beside the railway near Hawin Doorey river. They pulled down the stone wall and now nothing protected the line. George was there steam Roller. He was a most unpleasant steam roller and regular grumpy old crank. He chuffered two and fro making and singing rude remarks as the engines passed.

George: (singing poorly) Railways are no good. Turn them into roads! How can we do this you ask this steam roller knows. Pull em up! Rip em up! Pull em up! Rip em up! Pull em up! Turn into roads!

Narrator: Skarloey had often heard that talk before and warned the foals and other engines to take no notice. But he had hoped that when the two boastful steam engines met they would have some fun. So the foals and the engines told Sir Handel all about George.

(End flashback)

Peter Sam: I was coming down the line alongside that road with a slate train and I found out that George tried to beat me to the crossing. He nearly derail my train, but I luckily got out of the way in time.

Apple Bloom: And also, he said that "Railways are no good, pull them up, turn them into roads."

Sir Handel: Oh my. That's rude.

Apple Bloom: And ya will never guess who was with George.

Sir Handel: Who?

Apple Bloom: Diamond Tiara. Our unofficial official "school and CMC bully".

Sir Handel: Gosh. That's no good.

Scootaloo: We have been ignoring her a lot lately, but she still won't stop bugging us about being blank flanks.

Sir Handel: Well don't you worry anymore! You leave that rolling pinhead to me, I'll soon send him packing. George will soon get a run for his money.

Narrator: Mr. Holden climbed aboard Sir Handel with Sweetie Belle and they set off to take they're first passenger train. Now with Peter Sam's new funnel in place, she can work with Sir Handel again.

Sweetie Belle: Is something wrong Mr. Holden?

Mr. Holden: Oh it's nothing. It's just that steamroller named George. It's sounds familiar.

Narrator: Even though Duncan and Scootaloo can be a little cocky sometimes, they began to have doubts about Skarloey's plan.

Scootaloo: Are crazy Skarloey?

Skarloey: What do you mean?

Scootaloo: Putting Sir Handel up against that steamroller. You all told us to ignore him but why not him?

Duncan: Scootaloo has a point, why send him up against that brute?

Rachel: Duncan and Scoots have a point. This does seem to be jumping the gun.

Peter Sam: And like I said, Sir Handel does mean well really.

Skarloey: Well, by putting them against one another, it will probably knock some sense into both of them.

Rusty: And about time too. That rotten roller needs to be taught a lesson.

Apple Bloom: And so does Diamond Tiara!

Babs Seed: Point taken.

Narrator: Next morning, George was standing by the halt near the level crossing with Diamond Tiara and George's driver, when Sir Handel with Sweetie Belle and Mr. Holden came into the station nearby with Ada, Jane and Mabel.

George: HMPH! Your Sir Handel, I suppose!

Narrator: Sir Handel was standing no nonsense and neither was Sweetie Belle or Mr. Holden.

Sir Handel: And you I suppose are George. Ah yes I heard of you!

George: And I've heard of you too.

Sir Handel: And I assume that little troublemaking runt must be Diamond Tiara!

Sweetie Belle: Yep that's her alright. Good one Sir Handel.

Ada: (Laughs) Oh, that's a good joke Sir Handel.

Mabel: (Laughs) Best joke I've heard yet.

Jade: (Titters) I will say, that is funny.

Diamond Tiara: Hey, who just called me a runt… Oh. Well if it isn't the unicorn blank flank driving a little toy tea pot. Short and pathetic!

Sir Handel: TOY TEA POT! TOY TEA POT! WHY YOU LITTLE HOOLIGAN!

Mr. Holden: That's right, so watch your mouth you spoiled brat!

Sweetie Belle: That's right you tell her Mr. Holden. What do you think your doing here on Sodor Diamond Tiara?

Diamond Tiara: I've overheard loads of talks with your little kiddie club, saying that this island was full of talking trains and road vehicles, and I wanted to see it was false to prove you wrong.

Sweetie Belle: Well it looks like your accusation is wrong look around you!

Diamond Tiara: Well blank flank, I will show Pipsqueak this island 1st. He will have a great adventure, and ask me to be his mare, blank flank.

Sweetie Belle: Heheheheheheheheh.

Diamond Tiara: Hey, what's so funny blank flank?!

Sweetiebelle: I'm afraid your too late for that. He's actually already seen this island and has joined up to Skarloey Railway Preservation Society. (Sticks her tongue out at her) The jokes on you!

Diamond Tiara: (Angrily) WHAT?! OOOOOOHHHHHH! CURSE YOU BLANK FLANK!

Narrator: Just then, George's driver stepped down and when saw Mr. Holden he could believe his eyes.

?: Oy! What's going on… hmhmhmhm… I don't believe it! William James Holden? Ah yes of course, the homeless, unwanted, railway mutt of Vicarstown!

Narrator: Mr. Holden glared as George's driver.

Mr. Holden: And the cruel heartless sinner, Alvin George Porter! I Should have know you'd be the one driving that worthless Aveling Porter rust bucket. Quite an ugly name for an oversized rolling pin!

Sweetie Belle: You know his driver?

Mr. Holden: (Angrily) Oh yes I know Alvin George Porter very well indeed! He was and apparently still is my official school bully and rival. He bullied me because I was part irish, he bullied me because I loved railways, and when my parents died he had nerve to bully me because I was an orphaned!

Sweetie Belle: Oh my goodness. That's terrible.

Sir Handel: The nerve of him!

Mr. Holden: You can say that again.

Mr. Porter: How pathetic, seeing you working and relying on such a slow, worthless mode of transportation called railways. It's quite laughable to see that your old man actually managed to brainwash you into loving railways so he could make you follow under his dead end footsteps, you're such a gullible fool!

Mr. Holden: (Angrily) He didn't brain wash me! I chose the job because I loved it since day one.

Mr. Porter: Oh William, don't you see the realism yet? Your work on these little antic toys will soon come to bitter end William. I actually feel a teeny bit sorry for how your going to take it when the end comes. But as Charles Darwin once said, the weak must die off to make room for the strong. It is the way of the world Holden. I can't wait to see the look on your face you old fool!

Diamond Tiara: Same here Mr. Porter. I can't wait to see this blank flank lover cry to his mommy and daddy.

George: Same here.

Diamond Tiara/George/Mr. Porter: Oh wait a minute! YOU DON'T HAVE A MOMMY AND DADDY ANY MORE, ORPHANED BLANK FLANK RAILWAY LOVEER! HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Narrator: Mr. Holden seethed with flaming rage as the bullying trio laughed and laughed at him. He wanted to shout at them! But he didn't dare incase he upset the passengers.

Mr. Porter: Oh deary me, did we strike a nerve you worthless mutt? Ha ha hahahahaha!

Sweetie Belle: Don't pay any attention to them!

Narrator: Mr. Holden quickly calmed down.

George: And I've heard so much about you Sir Handel. You swank about on this toy railway with your steam rolling wheels pretending you're as good as me.

Diamond Tiara: Yeah you will never be as good as George, little tank engine.

Sir Handel: (Retorting sweetly) Actually, on the contrary, just so you three know, I'm better.

(Guards' whistle, signal goes down)

Sir Handel: Oh, there's the guards whistle. Oh, and the signals dropped. So good bye, heheheh silly oversized hand roller.

Sweetiebelle: Hmhmhmhmhmm… Prissy spoiled brat.

Narrator: Sir Handel puffed away laughing at his wit as Mr. Holden and Sweetie Belle applauded and laughed too.

Sir Handel: Thank you, thank you.

Narrator: George chuffered on fuming with rage, with Diamond Tiara blowing steam out of her nostrils in furious rage, and Mr. Porter who went red in the face with anger. For the rest of the day. Sir Handel still kept thinking about George, Sweetie Belle kept thinking about Diamond Tiara and Mr. Holden kept thinking about Mr. Porter.

Sir Handel: Pah… what does that stupid steamroller know about railways anyway? I'm better than that blow heart George any day. I could beat him in race.

Sweetie Belle: I bet you could, and then Diamond Tiara could get her comeuppance as well.

Mr. Holden: Same here, but as much as I'd like to pay Mr. Porter out, I don't want to try any risks.

Sweetie Belle: But Diamond Tiara tried to steal my coltfriend and you heard them degrading you.

Mr. Holden: I know, but unless they do something brash I won't consider payback.

Narrator: Later that day, Sir Handel was to take a special load down of reconstruction supplies after the Peter Sam's last train had gone. He arrived at the top station. Miss Ravens, Pipsqueak and Peter Sam were there, ready to take Ada Jane and Mabel back with them.

Pipsqueak: Hullo Sir Handel, Sweetie Belle, Mr. Holden. What's up?

Sir Handel: Hello Pipsqueak, hello Miss Ravens, hey brother. We just made our first confirmation with that Aveling Porter steamroller George.

Sweetie Belle: Diamond Tiara too. There was a heated argument, but Sir Handel told them off.

Pipsqueak: Oh good show there Sir Handel. That Diamond Tiara is always very troublesome and uncomfortable. She's seems very interested in me and where I come from. I can't understand why but there's something about her that I really don't like.

Sweetie Belle: (Thinking) Heh, that'll teach Diamond Tiara….

Mr. Holden: That's not even half of it. I even had the displeasure of actually finding out who George's master is.

Miss Ravens: Really, who is it?

Mr. Holden: (Grimly) The infamous Alvin George Porter.

Narrator: Miss Ravens was shocked!

Miss Ravens: Oh no not him!

Mr. Holden: The very same one.

Pipsqueak/Peter Sam/Ada/Jane/Mabel: Who is Alvin George Porter?

Miss Ravens: He was our official bully in both first year school and secondary school back when me and Mr. Holden were children. Sadly, his favourite target was Mr. Holden for just about everything. Even worse so, he bullied him after Mr. Holden became an orphan and that's what got him expelled.

Peter Sam: How despicable.

Ada: My goodness.

Mabel: That was incredibly rude.

Jane: That's terrible.

Mr. Holden: He still hasn't changed his ways, even after your family took me in Rach.

Miss Ravens: Well, don't let him get you down. You still have us for a family and you're a better man than he will ever be.

Mr. Holden: Thanks.

Narrator: Soon Sir Handel left his coaches and Peter Sam took Ada, Jane and Mabel back down to Crovans Gate. After that, Sir Handel went to fetch Cora and 3 vans.

Sir Handel: (Thinking quietly, but out loud) Hmph I bet that I know who could take that steam roller down with one shove.

Cora: Same here Sir Handel. It would be…

Sir Handel: Shh! Cora! Not too loud.

Cora: Oh, terribly sorry.

Sweetie Belle: What are you 2 talking about?

Sir Handel/Cora: Uh… nothing!

Narrator: Soon Sir Handel collected the train and made his way back down to Crovans Gate after Peter Sam cleared his section. When they reached the road, they saw George lumbering ahead of them and trundling home.

Sir Handel: Heh. I can pass this lumbering fat rolling pin!

Mr. Holden: Well yes we can, Sir Handel. Trains have the right of way over road vehicles.

Narrator: Sir Handel tried to attract his attention and whistled in a lordly way.

Sir Handel: I say you there George! Move aside! It is our right of way!

Narrator: George, Diamond Tiara and Mr. Porter saw Sir Handel approaching.

Diamond Tiara: Oh great. It's that Sir Handel again and he's got that blank flank and the blank flank lover with him.

George: Heh, leave it to me and Mr. Porter.

Narrator: Mr. Porter swung the helm on George and went closer to the track.

Sweetie Belle: Stand aside! We have right of way!

Diamond Tiara: No room for you to pass by, blank flank.

Sweetie Belle: Well that's because that fat rolling pin is getting too close to the track.

Mr. Holden: We have top priority!

Mr. Porter: Pah! We have construction going on! so I say we have top priority!

Sir Handel: I say, you! If you do not stop obscuring railway traffic we shall report this to the local authorities!

Narrator: Sir Handel whistled again but George took no notice. There was barely room for to pass. Sir Handel was cross and whistled again, and crept cautiously alongside.

Sir Handel: GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU GREAT CLUMSY ROAD HOG!

George: PAH! I DON'T MOVE FOR IMITATION STEAMROLLERS! You don't know one bit about the roads! SO GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Narrator: They lumbered along side by side in a heated steam race, exchanging insults.

Sir Handel: IMITATION! IMITATION! I'M NOT IMITATING ANYTHING OR ANYONE! YOUR RIDING TO CLOSE TO THE RAILS SO BY THE LOOK OF IT YOU'RE THE REAL IMITATOR HERE, NOT ME! YOU WISH YOU COULD RUN ON RAILS YOU FAT KITCHEN ROLLING PIN!

George: PAH! WHO WANT'S TO BE AN OUT OF DATE RAILWAY ENGINE! I'M NOT IMPERSONATING ANYTHING THAT RUNS ON RAILS YOU FAT OVERSIZED TOY TRAIN!

Diamond Tiara: George is right, your the impersonator here! So back off you little oversized toy train!

Sweetiebelle: HEY DIAMOND TIARA, THAT IS NO WAY TO BEHAVE! ITS NO WONDER Pipsqueak doesn't fancy you at all!

Mr. Holden: There, you see little brat! Even Pipsqueak doesn't like you HA HA!

Daimond Tiara: SHUT UP YOU BLANK FLANK LOVER!

Mr. Porter: OY WILLIAM! I COMAND YOU TO STOP YOUR CLUMSY STEAM TRAIN AT ONCE! IF YOU DON'T STOP OBSCURING CONSTRUCTION RIGHT OF WAY, THEN WE SHALL REPORT YOU TO THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES AT CROVANS GATE!

Mr. Holden: CONSTRUCTION RIGHT OF WAY?! I'VE NEVER HEARD SUCH RUBBISH IN ALL MY LIFE! I SAY, IF YOU DO NOT STOP OBSCURING THE RIGHT OF WAY OF RAIL TRANSPORTATION, I SHALL HAVE YOU REPORTED TO THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES AT CROVANS GATE! SO I SAY YOU STOP YOUR CLUMSY STEAMROLLER ALVIN!

Cora: Oh my word. I've never heard such a verbal fight in my life!

Narrator: The 3 rivals raced each other fiercely as the insults continued. No one can quite explain what happened next. Mr. Porter, and Diamond Tiara signaled and shouted for Sir Handel to stop, whilst Mr. Holden and Sweetie Belle signaled and shouted at Mr. Porter and Diamond Tiara to stop George. Then there was crash! Cora the brake van tilted sideways and guard scrambled out to find George's front roller nudging his footboard. Two engines, the two foals, and the two drivers were hotly arguing whose fault it was. Luckily, the Crovans Gate constable strode up in time to stop the argument from turning to fisticuffs.

Constable: Ello, ello, ello? And, what's going on here?

Narrator: Meanwhile, Duncan was waiting at Rheneas station with Scootaloo to set off with his down passenger train when Mr. Roberts told them what had happened.

Mr. Roberts: Uh… Duncan, Scootaloo you're not gonna like this but there's been an accident in between Glennlock and Cros-Ny-Curin near the roadway. We're gonna have to wait here till it's clear.

Narrator: Duncan and Scootaloo groaned.

Scootaloo/Duncan: Three guesses of who could have caused this little mishap.

Narrator: When guard came back with Rusty, Apple Bloom and Mr. Hugh they soon started clearing up the mess. Neither engine was going fast enough to cause much damage so Sir Handel was able to take his train on after George had back himself away. Later that same day, Skarloey with Featherweight and Mr. Hawkins were waiting at Crovans Gate with Agnus, Ruth, Jemima, Lucy, and Beatrice. Rachel was standing nearby with Miss Ravens and Babs Seed and they were talking happily together anticipating the best of the plan. When Duncan with Mr. Roberts and Scootaloo snorted into the station with their passengers train, all three with furious expression on the face.

Skarloey: Hullo Duncan, what's matter with you? Your rather late you know.

Ruth: You guys don't seem too happy.

Duncan: Really, no DUH Skarloey and Ruth! Can you ever guess WHY we're late?!

Rachel: What happened?

Scootaloo: Well lets say a certain PLAN! Made by a certain OLD ENGINE! Didn't seem to WORK!

Mr. Roberts: And a certain No.3 ENGINE Had himself an accident with a certain STEAMROLLER between Cros-Ny-Cruin and Glenlock!

Scootaloo/Mr Roberts/ Duncan: Which caused a certain HOLD UP! IS THAT SLOW ENOUGH FOR YOU!

Lucy: (Quietly to the others) Uh oh.

Skarloey: Don't say anything Featherweight, Mr Hawkins, girls, let's just quietly get back to work and pretend this didn't happen.

Rachel: Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice.

Coaches: Mmmhmm.

Babs Seed: Right, back to work.

Featherweight: Got it.

Mr Hawkins: Right you are.

Miss Ravens: Let's go.

Narrator: Next day, the workmen put up a fence between the road and railway so that this little mishap wouldn't happen again. Then, they went away, taking George with them and Diamond Tiara went home too.

George: Hmph I should that imitator whose boss around the roadway!

Diamond Tiara: We showed that Blank flank and blank flank lover whose boss!

Porter: Heh… And I hope never see that worthless orphaned Irish/ English mutt again!

Narrator: This is because they finished their work and this gave Mr. Holden no end of relief. But Sweetie Belle and Sir Handel thought they had made George and Diamond Tiara go away.

Mr. Holden: (Griping) Hmph! Good riddens to that rude arrogant pig Alvin Porter! I can't believe he named that fat oversize kitchen rolling pin after his middle name!

Sir Handel: Pah, I showed that oversized kitchen rolling pin whose boss around the railway!

Sweetie Belle: And we showed that arrogant spoiled brat Diamond Tiara whose Boss!

Mr. Holden: Oh please for the love of Sodor, I don't want to hear another word about steamrollers please.

Narrator: But unfortunately for him, they didn't stop. Sweetie Belle and Sir Handel grew more conceited than ever and talked everlastingly about steam rollers. One day, Sir Handel had took his coaches to Crovans Gate station when Gordon with rainbow dash came in with the WildNorWester.

Sir Handel: Well Gordon, Rainbow Dash, we will no longer be suffering from that rotten George steamroller.

Rainbow Dash: Why's that Sir Handel?

Sweetiebelle: Well isn't it obvious? We sent him and 2 bullies packing!

Gordon: Oh bravo youngsters! Marvellous! You truly are the bees knees.

Rainbow Dash: Ah yeah. That sounds so awesome!

Sir Handel: Gordon, for the record, I'm older then you.

Gordon: Oh, right.

Narrator: Soon the guards whistle blew and Sir Handel started off with Gertrude and Millicent. As they went, they saw Mr. Holden holding up a sign reading 'PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF SODOR AND EQUESTRIA, SAVE ME!' Sir Handel and Sweetie Belle talked about steam rollers all day long and even when they got home.

Sir Handel/Sweetie Belle: Well well fellow preservationist's foals Crusaders and engines, your steam roller slaying heroes have finally returned!

Narrator: The Main 4 drivers, the CMC, the other foals and the engines all groaned!

Everyone: OH FOR THE LOVE SODOR/EQUESTIRA!

Sir Handel/Sweetie Belle: The big bad steamroller and the arrogant rich snob Diamond Tiara are gone now! All thanks to us!

Sir Handel: The mighty Sir Handel!

Sweetiebelle: And the mighty cutie mark crusader Sweetie Belle!

Skarloey: Oh dear, he's worse than ever. I'm sorry my plan was no good…

Rachel: Never mind Skarloey. Just let him have his victory

Rusty: When the time comes, we'll think of something else.

Narrator: But they had no need to do that for some boys came with mane 6 ponies and asked Mr. Hugh if they could see the engines. Almost at once, one pointed at the engine and foal and shouted out.

Boy: OY! LOOK! Here's Sir Handel and his friend Sweetie Belle! They raced an Aveling Porter Steam roller last week, and steamroller nearly beat them! It was the most exciting race ever!

Narrator: All the engines, the foals, the main 4 drivers, Mr. Hugh, the boys and the mane 6 ponies all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Needless to say, Sir Handel and Sweetie Belle never mention steamrollers now.

Alright, part 2 up. Let's go to part 3, 'Passengers and Polish'.