That Sounded So Rehearsed

Hey, I'm back, and I'm mediocrely famous. My first Lunacy review made it on my grandmother's fridge. EVERY page of it. Her pea soup green fridge is now PLASTERED with my shitty verbiage. Wunderbar.

Speaking of wunderbar, the time has come for my first Sublime review to meet your wanting eyes. Sublime, the home of Photo Finish, who is German. Which is why I said Wunderbar. It ties in, people.

Anyway, Sublime is an EWF show. It is great like the other one, but it isn't perfect...like the other one. But still, it's wrestling and that means I love it. Because I love wrestling. That is why I do this.

I have already ran out of things to say that would cleverly segway into the review….

I guess this is why I am known as the AWKWARD Reviewer. There's also the fact that I touch penises on a regular basis.

Okay so here we go. Awkwardness in toe, I am prepared to slap a hoe.

AWWW YEAH I FOUND THE CLEVER RHYMING SEGWAY *INSERT RANDOM COMPANY HERE* SPONSOR ME.

So just like before, I still don't grade show intros. All you need to know is that 'splodies splode and Discord and Dr. Whooves are great. I love all the commentary teams the EWF has given us. Discord and Whooves are kind of like the EGO of commentary. No I don't mean in that they are heels, but they are very gentlemanly. Or at least Whooves. Discord likes to drool over Spitfire and the like, while Whooves is a fag. Hahaha get it cuz fags are also cigarettes in England all right.

Segment One: Subliminal Messages

So I didn't have much to work with on this pun, as you might be able to tell. I will explain soon. So the show starts, just like Lunacy, with a major authority figure coming out to address the crowd. Although in the case of Lunacy, the figure is more majorer….er than Celestia, but she's still a big deal. Ain't got no PURPLE YOGUR PANTS, doe.

But yeah she comes out and announces the World Fighters championship tourney, a tag title match, and a battle royal for the assholes who weren't good enough in the tourney. Sad sad.

But the big story here, is that Celestia bashes Lunacy. It's in between the lines, but it is totally there. Of this I am certain. And here's where the pun comes into play. Celestia states about the World Fighters Championship, "the fate of such an important title can not be decided with merely one match." The Eternal Womens Championship was decided in a BATTLE ROYAL…MERELY ONE MATCH.

OH SHIT.

Celestia just shat on her sister SUBLIMINALLY, and we all know you can't spell that without Sublime!

….I am so turrible.

And then she leaves as Luna turns heel inside her mental cavity. Trixie comes out and establishes herself as top bitch, which changes soon but for this episode at least she proves that she deserves a thousand boots up the cunt.

She says heel things like "CHEER FOR ME EVEN THOUGH IT'S OBVIOUS YOU SHOULDN'T", and "EBOLA IS A CONSPIRACY CONCOCTED BY THE GOVERNMENT." Then Rainbow Dash comes out to establish herself as top sassy face, and WHOA IS SHE SASSY with dem shrugs and whatnot. They babble, Trixie slaps her, and then brawl. Trixie gets the upper hand and kills her with her own personalized microphone. God damn is this woman special or what? Her own fireworks and microphone which she uses before her promos to get her creative "juices" flowing. Nerp. I'm done.

Overall Score: 92/100

This segment did a lot of things, just like Lunacy's. They introduced an authority figure, set up multiple title matches, and put forth a rivalry that, at least for the first month, was a big staple of the show. Trixie is a fun character, and Celestia becomes a major troll later on, which is always acceptable. I wasn't sold on Rainbow Dash until I saw her wrestle, but that's usually how that works.

Segment Two: Here I Am! Rock You Like I Hurri-I CAME

No pun to this. I am just totally reteeded.

And here we are introduced to the undeniable greatest character on Sublime forever and ever: Nurse Redheart.

Pffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

My monitor is now completely and entirely caked with spit.

Eh, just a Tuesday morning for me.

Except it's a different liquid.

Yeah so Commander Hurricane is amazing. She's this amazonian-like woman who was frozen in ice-caps a thousand years ago during the war against the Nepapopilowitans and now is here on Earth to be god-damn imposing and kill you. This woman has a bad-ass backstory. I do not know what it is but I am intrigued and holy shit Nurse Redheart you are so dead like if I could explain to you on a scale of one to ten how dead you are it'd be DEAD AND A HALF INFINITY.

Oh. Commander Hurricane won by using her metal helmet?

….OH GOD EVEN BETTER.

This bitch had this scrub fighting for scraps. She was going to win, and she knew it. You can't beat a well-versed warrior used to bloodshed and hardships. Never mind that Daring Do shit that hasn't happened yet. Commander Hurricane bashed Nurse Redheart in the head with an ancient metal helmet that is as rusty as the bolt used to screw Charlie Sheen's head back together. The fact that this woman would use such a tactic when she was clearly on the verge of victory is absolutely totally plutonically not necessary and I adore her for it.

Overall Score: 99/100

It's academic at this point. CH is fucking wonderful and in coming weeks she only gets better and better. I would like to personally welcome the retro History Channel to the EWF. This is all we ever need.

Beautiful.

There's a backstage segment with two of Sublime's tag teams, Canterlot Class and Vitamin C for APPUL. They are members of the Apple Dynasty, a stable on Sublime that does literally nothing, but that will be expanded upon when they're actually on TV.

Oh yeah they're never on TV.

Anyway, the segment is nice and builds up their upcoming match. It's the classic bout of "EAT MY DICK I AM RICH" vs "MY DICK SMELLS LIKE CUM AND MOONSHINE BECAUSE I JERK OFF INTO JUGS." Something like that.

Segment Three: Brokeback MountWIN

Yes I am that terrible.

The match is good. A gif of Hoity Toity walking up to the ref and clotheslining him in broad daylight is now saved on my computer forever.

And, as usual, you talk shit, you get fucked. Braeburn and Happy Trails win because rich people never bleed. But this is wrestling and I always expect over the top things, and it usually makes me have more fun with the product. So this is all good.

Overall Score: 88/100

As I said, a really good tag team match. You could tell that both teams wanted to face EGO, but only one could gain the win. This isn't the only time these two teams have faced off, and their next encounter is even better.

Segment Four: We're apples forever! Apples to-ge-ther! We're family but so much MOOO-whoops nevermind

Another tournament match, this time pitting dynasty member Apple Bloom vs dynasty member Babs Seed, who looks like she got a candy apple, stick and all, rammed up her ass at birth.

And this match makes me think that she really DOES. It's a 9 minute match, but it goes at a very slow pace, Babs Seed applying rest holds to her cousin for a total of 4 minutes. Yes, I really did count that.

Because of this, Apple Bloom didn't have much to work with. And because of this, the match wasn't very good. Now, I know that these two ARE good wrestlers. Their cage match at Proving Grounds? Wow. But this just wasn't there night.

Overall Score: 79/100

The second lowest score I've given, after Bulk Biceps vs Overdrive. *cringes* I hate reminding myself of that crap. I'd give it more points for what happens AFTER the match, but it….doesn't make much sense to me. I understand all families fight, and it's clear Babs Seed has a temper, but on NIGHT ONE, with NO build-up, Babs just murders her cousin? It feels rushed. They could've built this up for a few months.

I do like Sweetie Belle coming out to save Apple Bloom, not just her storyline friend, but her REAL-LIFE friend for like...I don't know….15 years, so that gets points. Friendship is magic. I thought family was, too, but fuck me I'm Chicago scum.

Eh, Sweetie will be feuding with her in like 4 months anyway, so this will mean nothing by the end of the year, but it was the right thing to do in this situation.

Backstage we go to an IN-DEPTH interview with Rainbow Dash, where she basically buries Trixie, saying she could be eliminated from the tournament before she even gets to her. HA! And to think, I actually believed her…..

YOU LIED TO ME, DASH.

YOU FULL-FLEDGED COLOR WHEEL FUCK.

MAH.

Trixie then walks in to threaten the interviewer about not, well...doing his job. AND SHE'S RIGHT! He TOTALLY should interview the chick who has accomplished NOTHING thus far!

But this was funny, and if I graded interviews, it would be a 95 at least because Trixie is wonderful.

Segment Five: INSTANT CLASSIC

Pinkie Pie vs Lotus Blossom: the first five star match in EWF history.

I am not kidding.

Okay maybe a little.

Yeah this match probably went 20 seconds. I didn't feel like counting because I had just done some college Algebra before sitting down to watch this show.

My brain was fucked.

And this match made me happy.

Wrestling makes me happy as a whole, but the finish of this match was so RIDICULOUS. Lotus hits Pinkie, BREAKS A NAIL, cries, and loses, which she deserved.

I figured I would hate something like this, because old school wrestling NEVER did stuff like that. My dad would've stormed out of the room if he was watching. But I found it hilarious. Old school wrestling NEEDED stuff like this sometimes. It was WAY too serious WAY too much.

Basically, this wasn't even a match, so I'll grade it as a segment.

Overall Score: 97/100

Basically for making me laugh. That's all this segment wanted to accomplish, and it did it.

It's just hard to believe that Lotus Blossom has a fucking title now.

Oh well. She's got cute as dick nails.

Segment Six: DARING, DARING DO, WHERE ARE YOU?!

She's in the Amazon jungle, buying last minute birthday presents for Ahuizotl. I hear he collects bobbleheads.

Ok I feel more lame the more I type. Not good, because I'm supposed to feel like a sexi sloth all day erry day.

Anyway, it's a short segment, but I'm the biggest Daring Do fan in life, so I have to grade it. I was immediately pumped upon seeing this, because, again, Daring Do makes my underwear soggy. I love a strong woman that can drink the blood of goats and not feel fazed by it, as well as play jump-rope with a snake's spine. HNNGGGGGGG so hawt.

Overall Score: 99/100

Only not 100 because my underwear wasn't sogg-e enuff.

But all Daring Do segments, whether it be matches or vignettes will automatically be 100/1000000000000/10223 because she is so awesum.

Wow I just typed death.

Segment Seven: All Brits are Prudes

I don't know at this point. Sublime isn't giving me much to work with.

This was the best match of the night, to me. Trixie vs Spitfire, with the horny Soarin at ringside.

It went 20 minutes, 2 of them being Spitfire locked in Trixie's dreaded Ursa Lock submission that drives me wild. There's just something about a woman wrapping themselves around another woman that sends my cock a-doodling.

Trixie proves she ISN'T all talk, and Soarin gets hit in the shoulder because magicians are sexy. He isn't able to put it in Spitfire's butt for 4 hours.

Wow I should write for this show.

Overall Score: 96/100

Nothing more to say. Just an incredibly enjoyable match.

Segment Eight: Beauty SHOT with a steel chair!

URRRGGGGHHHH I GIVE UP.

Also a great match is the main event, where Beauty Shot and TaviScratch vie for the Sublime tag team belts.

I loved that Pretty Vision asked if what she and Photo Finish were doing was cheating (which it is but she's a retard), Photo replies with "NO VE ARE JUST BEING OPPORTUNISTIC NOW EAT ZE SAUERKRAUT SVINE" and Pretty smiles and continues bashing Vinyl with a chair.

My one complaint is that the referee is in REF MODE forever. He gets PURPOSELY KNOCKED OUT by Photo Finish, and upon being woken up, doesn't even attempt to investigate how he got on the mat in the first place. He just counts the pin and the champions are crowned, proving that Germans are still evil 70 years after the Holocaust.

Vinyl and Octavia are filthy jews.

Overall Score: 92/100

All in all, like Lunacy, the first Sublime is a great showcase for its superstars. It was a pretty normal show, but soon….

IT GETS WEIRD.

With dudes like Ace and The Underbaker slowly approaching, I was never fully able to prepare myself for the infinite level of epic that is impending.

Total Score: 92.7

Wow. It beat Lunacy.

Nice job, Subslime.

STEP IT UP LUNEESEA.

Match of the Night: Spitfire vs Trixie

Worst Match of the Night: Babs Seed vs Apple Bloom

M.V.P. of the Night: Commander Hurricane for her wonderful gimmick and her unforgettable stench: a mixture of blood and estrus.

Okay that's the last straw. Goodbye until never for more praising of YOGA BEAR PANTS.

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT A WILDFIRE IN MY PANTS.

I HAVE CRABS.

DEUUUUGGGGHHHH *dead*