All I Need Is A Little Nepotism!

So here I am, with my first EWF review, not even a day later. Lucky for you bottom-feeders, I am extremely punctual.

Yes, if you were wondering, my father is still sexist. I don't think he will ever get out of this stage in his life, and I don't know why. A hearty dose of pussy, especially when snuggled beneath some nice polyester wrestling tights, does the body good. Oh well. MORE FOR ME.

No more chicanery, however! Well, there WILL still be chicanery during the review, but we have to start the thing first.

Okay, so before I left you all last, I promised to unveil my rating system from here on. It may change depending on if my dick is limp for it after so long, but for now, this be it.

I don't like 5 star ratings, nor 10 star ratings. Hell, let's just say I don't like star ratings PERIOD. There are enough stars I can look at in the sky at night, goddammit! Keep them out of reviews, you scrotal-peaches!

Giving grades out of 100 is something I prefer more of. Let's up the ante, though. Let's treat every EWF show like an assignment. A school assignment.

I will base each match on only one thing, because yes, I'm grading EVERY segment, not just the show: Match quality, which, of course, is my estimate on how good the match was. I'm easy to please, so there should be a lot of decent to amazing scores. These are MY ESTIMATES, though, you fuckers. If you disagree, fine. Write a letter to your mayor, because I sure don't want to see it.

Segments will also be judged on one thing, and that is My Reaction, or how much the segment spoke to me. If it was a crazy heel turn which I wasn't expecting, it's going to get a 90 out of 100 or more. If it made me cry, then it gets an A+. Absolutely. If something is predictable, that doesn't mean it's bad, per se, but it probably won't get over a 90, unless it's a good kind of predictable.

At the end of each review, I will add up the totals each segment got, and divide them by however many segments there were, and that will give us the average for the show. Now I dare you to tell me that's not better than some shitty 1st grade star rating….

The show starts off with some 'splodies, and we are introduced to my favorite commentary team in the HISTORY OF ALL THINGS EVER: Garble and Ahuizotl. These guys have had incredible chemistry ever since the first episode. Everytime Ahuizotl is up in arms at something that a heel does, Garble tries to justify whatever the fuck, and sometimes he really puts some good logic into it. Of course I do not agree because HEELS ARE EVIL, but he tries his best, and after this week's episode of Lunacy, this tandem has so much more to it. We will get there when we get there, though.

I don't grade show openings, but if I did, it'd be a 95 or more ALWAYS, simply because Garble and Ahuizotl are hilarious and fun to watch. Moving on.

Segment One: Filthy Rich Kisses The Fans Ass And Then Leaves To Never Be Seen Again

Pretty basic segment. Filthy Rich is DAH HEAD CHAZZ, and he comes out to let the fans know that wrestling is superior to ALL OTHER THINGS IN LIFE. I agree, but holy SHITZY. This was a thing that they had to do. No problems with it. Filthy Rich hasn't shown up since, and I can believe that. He's a busy guy. Besides, that's why he hired a GM. The GM turned out to be a corrupt blackberry tart, but that's why you should do background checks, folks.

His daughter, Diamond Tiara, and her kissing practice partners at the slumber parties, Turf and Silver Spoon come out. They are bitches. They are also good at it. I've always thought Turf put more effort into her character than the other two, as proven by her now swollen eye, but that's just me.

Also a straightforward promo. Diamond has a tantrum, and then delivers my FAVORITE EWF LINE, which also happens to be the title of this review. It is majestic in its delivery, and I just ordered a t-shirt with that saying on it yesterday. I shall wear it with pride.

Filthy Rich ventures into the abyss, and his daughter and other perhaps illegitimate daughters get acquainted with the crowd. By that I mean they verbally bash them. They don't do shit about it except boo, proving Diamond right. I hope they realize that.

They all bump asses because lesbian. Scootaloo interrupts ass friction because nobody of any gender has ever loved her.

I jaykay. I adore Scootaloo. She is one of those characters that is just SO easy to get behind. You want her to pummel her struggles into the ground, and when she does everything will be great and you will cry and I will make a snarky review about it.

Ahuizotl then says an inspirational thing. You know what I'm talking about.

Right off the bat, first damn segment, a blood feud that is still going on to this day is set in motion. It has expanded since it's birth, as well, which had to be done to avoid redundancy. Scootaloo has been bullied by Diamond and others since they were little. You immediately feel for Scoots and want her to eat ALL of these cunts bacon.

She doesn't do that, but she potatoes Silver in the head and beats her up with DIAMOND TIARA'S OWN LEG. Badass mode: ACHIEVED.

Of course, Diamond and others recover and get the advantage because TREE BETTUR DEN WUN HUR HURRRRR.

Luna comes out to a face reaction. *snicker*...oh how things have changed….she sets up a match between DeeTee and ScooLoo. Diamond Tiara is calmed down by FASHION COMPLIMENTS. I'd get those, but all I ever wear is a vintage 70's brown blazer. Yup. Never anything else.

Overall Score: 94/100.

Probably one of the best opening segments you could come up with. We get to see the boss, we are introduced to THREE great character (and Slava Spun), and a match is made by our yoga pants wearing general manager. The only reason it didn't get a perfect score is because those are going to be rare, and they are giving away Diamond vs Scootaloo on the first night, rather than building it up for a pay per view. Granted, that wasn't even the match we GOT at Proving Grounds, but these are thoughts I had as I was watching it for the first time.

Segment Two: Midnight Strike vs the soon to be Best/Worst thing on every episode of Lunacy Twist

Yes, I said BEST in there. Twist is a hilarious character, and she truly doesn't get enough credit. She's ugly, you say? So is Sarah Jessica Parker, but directors keep casting her for movies.

Would you rather have 5 minutes of Twist every week, or 120 minutes of Sarah Jessica Parker 4 times a year or so? Think about that long and hard for me…

This match is historic for a few reasons. One, it's the birth of the greatest heel in EWF, Twist. It's the first match in EWF EVER. And Twist won her only match up to this point. She is the textbook definition of a jobber, and I hope one day she wins the world title so all you jerks will stop watching the show.

The match is as quick as a Usain Bolt race, so therefore match quality doesn't really apply to it. I will grade it based on My Reaction, though.

Overall Score: 85/100

The Oddities, minus Midnight Strike, are boring as all hell to me. Nyeker realized that, too, and now he's playing a pretty fun gimmick. I groan when the Oddities come onto my screen. Insane Clown Posse sucks dick and fuck them I hate them. Hugh Jelly is a dumb retard how cost his girlfriend matches for a month straight! Why did she not DUMP his ass?!

After the cancer of the EWF leaves the arena, Twist rolls in jelly, and I will admit...I had the weirdest boner.

My boner didn't dig the Oddities, though, and still doesn't, so this doesn't get over a 90.

Segment Three: Sunset's Ovaries Pop And We Groan As We Don't Realize That Lightning Dust Is Winning The Title Since She Is In The Background And Does Nothing Else Of Note

Looking back, I feel really stupid about that…..Lightning keeps telling Sunset she's gonna be DAH CHAMPEEN. It was obvious foreshadowing for them both to be WRONG, and for Lightning to play Sly Cooper for a night and shit.

Anyway, Sunset flirts with Shining Armor because all women are horrible human beings. Even Cadance, who cock-blocks her boyfriend, is clearly a beast other-wordly.

We move to the GM's office for more YOGA PANTS SHENANIGANS.

Sunset tries to be direct with Luna, but that ain't happening because SUNSET AIN'T THE ONE WEARING YOGA PANTS IN THIS SCENARIO. Sorry, I'm a mark for stretchy fabric.

Cadance interjects in the sass-fest, and calls Sunset a slut. EDGINESS TO MAX. Lightning Dust continues to be a side-kick, and we facepalm again as we still don't understand how we couldn't figure out Sunset would be HER sidekick by the end of the show.

Another match is made: Sunset vs Cadance. Luna is clearly already getting tired of this shitty job, which sets up the eventual heel turn and Swirlinaitis whoring off of her pain and misery.

Overall Score: 99/100

Extremely close to perfect, but it didn't blow me away. Though it set up another match, and gave us another bitch to eternally hate forever. Of course I'm talking about Cadance. Nah, not Sunset. Nah.

Nah.

Segment Four: Part 1 Of Flash Sentry Getting Raped By Women Weekly

EGO vs The BroMans. Whoever wins gets to face two hicks at Proving Grounds. YEE-HAW!

All 4 of these dudes are great, and they put on the first REAL match of the night. 15 minutes long, and solid and shit. Can't really complain.

Fleur De Lis is a silent but deadly but sexy BUT DEADLY assassin as she makes Flash Sentry feel bad. And she wouldn't be the last woman to do so.

Overall Score: 87/100

Really good match, but it wasn't GREAT, which is why it doesn't go above 90. Two tag teams debuted, though, and EGO cut a basic promo that reeked of "FUQ U WE ARE RICH ENOUGH AND DON'T NEED TO WRESTLE BUT WE'RE HERE AND FUQ U."

Segment Five: DUSTY FINISH

Turf begins her vicious trend of yelling at the termites in the crowd, which is one of my favorite parts of each Lunacy show. I really hope Turf does this forever. Even when she turns face. Then she can find a random heel backstage and make them feel like the biggest pile'a SHET.

The match clocked in at 12 minutes, but I still feel it was better than EGO vs The BroMans. Obviously you had that hatred building in there already that you don't have when you put two random teams together. The match had nice spots, like BOW AND ARROWS FROM BOTH LADIES. I love the Bow and Arrow, and no, it's not because I'm Native American. Fuck you, choad.

Overall Score: 85/100

You'll notice, though, that this got a lower rating than EGO vs ManBrostache, and that's because of ONE key factor….THE DUSTY FINISH.

A Dusty Finish is when a match ends without the bell even ringing. Because of this, no winner is even announced.

Now, we KNOW that Scootaloo won, because Silver Spoon dropped her linty leg across the back of her neck, but THERE WAS NO ANNOUNCEMENT of this. It's almost like the match was thrown out, BUT IT WEREN'T. WE KNOW THAT SCOOTALOO WON, BUT THEY WON'T TELL US. Like it's some big secret or something!

"SUPRISE!" Say a bunch of jackasses to little Billy Burnham as he walks in the door, coming home from school.

"Wut," says Billy.

"SCOOTALOO WON, SWEETEA," says his whore mother who regrets giving birth to him. "We didn't want to tell you until just now for no reason WANT SOME CAKE?!"

"Yeah, I knew GODAMMIT," Billy swears, before going to hang out with his dad, whom his mom divorced from because he beat her vagina every night.

Fuck you, EWF. You ruined mother/son relationships. Not that I had that to worry about, since my mum already wants me re-fetused. Still, ANNOUNCE THE FUCKING WINNER OF THE MATCH! Luckily, they haven't done this since. BUT THEY DID IT AND IT HURT ME! IT HURT ME SO MUCH!

SLURP YOUR 85 LIKE AN HAITIAN KID SLURPS HIS OWN PISS.

SLURP IT!

Segment Six: DOWN WITH SUNSET (So Said Winston Churchill On A Drunken Stupor)

We now go backstage to Rarity and Twilight. They're FRIIIIEEENNNDSSSS. In 6 months they'll be having Hell in a Cell matches and will destroy each other's lawn gnomes. Mark my words. This is how wrestling works, people.

For now, though, they're FRRRRRIIIEEENNDDSSS, and they're both in the BATTLE ROYAL OF SUPREMITUDE. Twilight says heels suck and should die, thus making her a heel….somehow? No really, EWF fans...what is wrong with you? Though the "TWILIGHT SUCKS" chants have died down over the past few weeks, I still hear them. You boo Twilight when she finally says that she is Luna's clit-buddy, not when she pumps her first in the air before going to war. It's stupid.

Overall Score: N/A

I won't grade interviews, either. They are short, and though they are a part of the show, nothing really happens in them. It's just questions being asked and then they are answered. I just wanted to give this segment a shitty title, which I did. I am truly a sight to behold.

ACTUAL Segment Six: "Oh, You FILTHY Boy, You!"

Yeah. Talk dirty to me, Ahuizotl.

Ehem. Match 4 is Cadance vs Sunset, and what else is there to be said? It's the best match of the night, to me. Goes over 20 minutes, has nice spots. A TABLE BREAKS THE FRAGILE BONES OF AN ANOREXIC WOMAN. Ya know, all the essential spots.

Overall Score: 96/100

Just a great match. My only complaint is that Sunset won by countout. I'm not a fan of DQ or Countout finishes, normally, but I guess we got a clean winner at Proving Grounds. No big deal, though. Sunset KILLING Cadance with a chair only seconds later and then sitting in said chair to WATCH HER DIE makes up for it. Best heel in the EWF, people. Even on episode 1.

Segment Seven: Immense Fear Of Ring Aprons

Rumble is great. He debuts. It's great. This is pretty self explanatory.

His entrance is phenomenal, and so is his gimmick. If you hate it, good, you're SUPPOSED to. But I just...CAN'T. I mean, this fucking guy pauses during a fight, AN ACTUAL FIGHT, to put his bangs back into place, and snap some photos. WHAT A FUCKING LOVABLE SHIT-STAIN. Oh yeah, and then he wins. Huh.

And then there's….sigh….Overdrive. He's not as boring as the Oddities, but he's boring and that's all I'll keep saying about him. He faces Horsepower, now Bulk Biceps, in an attempt to fight Rumble for a title. How does this make any sense? We've never seen Horsepower wrestle, so how is Overdrive WORTHY of challenging for a title, just because he beats a dude who has never had a match? Is it because he's BIG? SO WHAT?!

It's kind of a cluster-fuck...both the match, and the reasoning behind it. Overdrive botches quite a bit, and Bulk Biceps is winded after like 3 minutes. And to think, the match lasted EIGHT MINUTES. SHIT. It's just NOT a good match….it really isn't.

Overall Score: 73/100

I really hated giving out that low C, but it needed to be done. It was to prove a point. I love the EWF,but there's always an apple to be given out on Halloween. It's bound to happen, so I truly can't fault them for it.

Rumble and his amazingness were the saving grace of this entire thing. Without him, this would be an F. Guaranteed.

Segment Eight: We're All Dumb

We finish off the night with Lightning Dust winning the title in a high octane battle royal. We learn that everybody hates Twist and that Silver Spoon is the weak link of The Mean Girls. Naturally.

It becomes clearly predictable that Lightning Dust is winning the title as soon as she goes through the middle rope. I was so pissed at myself, though happy because Lightning Dust has become one of my favorite Lunacy characters, right behind Scootaloo. Lightning is ahead of the third place Rumble, if you were wondering.

Overall Score: 88/100

I'm usually not a fan of battle royals, as they always turn out to be nothing more than a wall of flesh extending its arms with punches and taking 5 minutes to get someone over the top rope. They usually pick up when it's down to the final four, but it's just a bunch of bodies for almost all of it.

This one was actually quite good, however. I figured Twilight would win, but was pleasantly surprised to see Lightning, who literally a few hours before was played up to be Sunset Shimmer's lackey. Good thing she turned out not to be, because Lightning is a key player to Lunacy and deserves to succeed on her own and not be held down by ANY DEMON BITCH.

Total Score: 88.3/100

Obviously, this isn't my favorite episode of Lunacy. I think that's like the second week of February. I don't remember. Either way, a B+ is solid for a WAY ABOVE SOLID show. If you replace Overdrive vs Horsepower with Ace vs Zack Ryder in a racket on a pole match, this would probably be a 95/100 show, because LEMME TELL YA, that match would've been bestowed with my very first 100/100 rating. Yeah. I want it THAT much in my worthless life.

Nevertheless, this was a great show, and the best part is...it gets EVEN BETTER. SUCH MO BETTER.

Match of the Night: Sunset Shimmer vs Cadance

Worst Match of the Night: Overdrive vs Horsepower

M.V.P. of the Night: Midnight Strike for dealing with the shittiness that is The Oddities

ACTUAL M.V.P. of the Night: Sunset Shimmer for a great match and some amazing heel performances

See you all in a few days (hopefully) for SUBSLIME. GET IT?! CUZ IT OOZES GREATNESS! DEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHE