Original title, I know. To put a very long story short, this is a human in Equestria fic. There is a small amount of sex, an even smaller amount of rape, adventure, darkness, humor, and all manner of other stuff ahead. For those of you that don't like the sex, I made it all skippable. For those of you that do like it, feel free to read it. This is a long one, gents. A long, unfinished one. Some of you may be familiar with it. Those of you that aren't... Well, you're going to either be here a while or give up quickly. I hope you're in for the long haul.

I've posted this elsewhere and gotten almost nothing but good reviews. Make of that what you will. I've also been told the character was not a Marty Stu, despite having over 825,000 words as of now.

Prologue

"I remember when I first woke up again. How the little fillies that gave me the added power to break free ran off, laughing, not realizing what they had done. I remember the feeling of being back in my body, after so long of watching but being unable to act. And I most definitely remember you, Celestia," I said, gently caressing her face. She flinched back.

"My student will stop you, Discord!" Her entire lower body was stone. The only thing of hers that she could move was her head, and her unicorn magic does nothing to me. She fixed me with a glare.

"If I let her, yes. Do you know what it is like, Celestia, to live forever?" I asked, walking around her. Her eyes refused to follow me, and she kept her head straight, staring ahead. "I don't mean living a few thousand years, as you have. I mean truly living forever." She didn't answer. After a minute, I stopped in front of her. She refused to meet my gaze. I wrapped my eagle talon around her stone throat and picked her stone body up to force her to look me in the eyes. "I have lived for billions of years." I dropped her statue to its feet with an audible thud. Her eyes didn't leave mine. "I have lived since there were a handful of sentient creatures, and will live until there is only one left and there can at last be peace."

"Why are you telling me this, monster?"

"So you can understand. So you can understand why I do what I do. And maybe… Maybe, Celestia, so we can make a deal."

"I would never agree to anything you say!"

"Maybe. Maybe…" I continued my pacing. "I have been stopped hundreds of times. I have been turned to stone. I have been buried. I have been banished under the oceans, bound by magics long since lost. Almost every race that has ever existed has managed to banish me at least once. Dragons have done so the most, but after so long my proximity has polluted their minds." She hissed a bit. "Don't worry, my dear: That took several million years to do. Ponies will have long since faded to obscurity by the time that might happen to you." She gave me a hateful look. I waved my lion paw. "Oh, don't get me wrong! Ponies are magnificent animals, of course. It is just a trend I have noticed. I truly don't mean it as an insult."

She was silent. "You know, Celestia, it wouldn't kill you to be civil. I know you don't much care for me, but think about how I feel! You locked me in stone for several thousand years."

"You deserved worse."

"Yes, I do. And did, I suppose. But you would do the same, if you had lived as long as I have. You think you know boredom, I can see it in your mind. You think you know loneliness." I stopped right in front of her and bent down as close as I could to her eyes. Insane yellow and red met fierce pink and black. "You. Don't. Know. A. Thing." I stood straight again. "You are a long lived ruler of a short lived people. And I feel I should apologize for what my magic did to you. The Elements of Harmony don't usually have that effect, though they are also usually used by species that live longer anyway."

"You knew about the Elements?"

"I created them, of course. I created them and I hid them away. I always give my opponents a trump card that they can use to defeat me." I continued pacing. "So your student and her 'friends' are out looking for them right now. Normally I wait thousands of years to give my enemies the trump. But I have something different in mind." I stopped in front of her again. "And do you know why, Celestia?"

"You are too afraid to fight me and Luna again?"

I chuckled. "Good guess, old friend, but no. As I said, I want a deal." I started pacing again. "What would you say to a truce of sorts? Now, before you say anything, I want to explain why, and explain my terms."

"I suppose I don't have any choice but to listen."

I laughed out loud. "No, my dear, I suppose you don't. I've played for chaos all my life. I have created discord. I have torn families apart. I almost never actually hurt anything, though I do cause some manner of torment. I have never—EVER—killed anyone. I have caused others to kill, yes. I have whispered insane torments so long in the mind of some that they kill themselves. But I've never actually killed anyone."

"That doesn't excuse you from the responsibility."

"I know. Trust me, Celestia, I know. I've had this talk before, with someone that decided not to take my deal. They said much the same thing as you did." What she didn't know, of course, is that the person I had this talk with was her. I've had this talk with her hundreds of times, all within the last few minutes. I just make her forget each unsuccessful attempt; I've learned my lesson about giving up too soon. "So I've been playing for chaos for a long time. Frankly, I'm a bit tired of it. I think I have decided to play the other side of the fence for a while. Not forever, of course, but for a while. The thing is, I need someone to teach me how to do it."

"And you expect me to let you run wild while I teach you how to play nice. Why does that not sound appealing?"

"No, I've just explained my reasoning. I have yet to lay down any actual terms. Are you even slightly interested in hearing them?"

"If I say no?"

"Oh, you'll hear the terms whether you want to or not. But if you don't accept them, I will rule this world for a very, very long time. I've seen it already. The reason dragons put me down so many times, you see, is that they live long enough to be able to do it. But dragons are somewhat corrupted by me, now. They are still mostly sane, of course, but greedy and violent. There are exceptions, and some can be trained well. But if you choose not to accept my terms, I will hide the Elements of Harmony so well that they will never be found in your lifetime. Or I might just unmake them. I have the power to, I just lack the desire."

There was a pause. "I'm listening."

"I thought you would. The first term is this: I live in your lands, disguised, for as long as I can stay hidden."

"No powers?"

"I'll have a few. But I won't use them unless I absolutely have to. My body will age, if you let it. I will drop my immunity to magic unless I am actually put in danger."

"Keep talking." Quieter, she murmured, "Never thought I'd say that."

"A mare telling a man to talk..." I giggled. She just rolled her eyes. "Fine, be that way. Term two is that no one is to know of me unless I tell them. I will be in your lands, hidden, and not a single soul on this world can know of me."

"What about Luna? Can I tell her of this agreement?"

I snapped my fingers. Luna suddenly stood next to Celestia. As soon as her hooves hit the ground she snapped awake. "DISCORD!" she shouted, horn glowing. I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers again and her horn disappeared.

"Need I remind you, young one, of who I am?" I asked as her body started to turn to stone.

"You'll never get away wi—"

"Yes, yes, spare me your tripe." She glared at me. "Yes, you hate me. Yes, it was my fault you turned into Nightmare Moon. Yes, you can blame me for being on the moon for a thousand years. Happy?" I don't think she was very happy. "Celestia, care to help me out here?"

"Not really. This is kind of funny, actually."

"Celestia, what has he done to you?" Luna asked, almost in tears.

I snapped my fingers, and replayed the entire conversation to Luna. When she caught up, she was silent.

"Much better." I pulled a party hat from the air and stuck it on Luna's head. "Not quite the same…" I rubbed my beard, pretending to think of something. I suddenly snapped my fingers, as though I had an epiphany. I reached behind Celestia's ear and pulled out a horn, only to find that the hat on Luna's head had already changed to a horn.

They didn't look amused.

"Tough crowd!" I picked my teeth with the unicorn horn, and then bit into it. "Candy cane?" I asked, offering it to them. They just gave me a look. "Straight back to business! I like that! Though we're not exactly in a hurry," I said, pointing out the window. They looked and didn't see anything of note. I checked the watch I wasn't wearing a second ago and tried tapping it. "Damn birds never appear when you need them," I muttered. "Anyway, time doesn't exist outside this room anymore. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure you're both terribly busy." Celestia gave off a longsuffering sigh, and Luna just gave me an evil look. "Oh come on, Luna, don't look so stony!" I gave it a second, and burst out laughing. Neither of them even smiled.

I instantly smoothed my face. "Fine," I announced in a dead voice. I started pacing again, hands behind my back. "So yes, Celestia, you can tell Luna of this. Though I think she might already know by now." I waved my hand, still pacing. "That's only two of the terms. What say you?"

"You're going to keep going, either way," Celestia finally said, after sharing a short glance with Luna.

"Yes, I am," I answered. I stopped right in front of her. "What do you think so far?"

"If you are telling the truth about them, and will keep to your word, I see nothing to object to so far."

"Good… Good." I resumed my pacing. "Term three: After some time of good behavior, I will regain some of my powers. They will be randomly picked, nothing either of us will have any influence over. I will not use them against you, but I might use them to protect myself against you, if I feel threatened."

"Okay," Celestia said.

"Term four: I will not die. I might get injured. I might get hurt so badly that by all rights I should die. Some ponies will question this. To that end, I will give you magic—and all unicorns, by extension—that enables healing and the transfer of life force from one creature to another. It is ancient magic. And when I say ancient, I mean so old that even I barely remember it anymore, and I remember everything perfectly." Luna rolled her eyes. I smiled, and put a single finger on her forehead. Through that link I let her glimpse a millionth of my life. She immediately burst into tears, screaming.

"What did you do to her?!" Celestia demanded.

"I gave her a bit of perspective," I whispered, taking my thumb off her. Her glimpse into my mind was lost, and with it the reason for tears. Her mind would be haunted for a while, but she wouldn't know why. "All better, aren't you deary?" I asked, stuffing a lollipop in her mouth. She spit it right out. I shrugged. "Eh, suit yourself. You want anything?" I asked Celestia. She shook her head. I resumed pacing. "So we have four terms. And you ponies even get a bit of something out of it. I'm sure you'll think of a way to explain the magic to your ponies; it takes a lot of energy to use, and it's hardly perfect, but you'll figure all that out as we go." I paused, both in my pacing and in my dialogue.

The silence stretched. Celestia finally broke it, "And?" she demanded.

I blinked. "Sorry, I also froze time in the maze outside. A bit of direct intervention was required with the two pegasi; of all the pony races ever created, those were the only ones to ever give me any trouble. Aside from you alicorns, of course… But I think I took care of that problem quite nicely."

"You missed two of us!" Luna accused. "And look where that got you!"

"And why do you think I let two female alicorns go?" She didn't have an answer to that. "Term five… This one is quite a favorite of mine, and I'm sure you'll both agree. I'll report everything I do to you, Celestia! Everything without a single real lie, unless you tell me not to write something down. Oh, I might leave some details out, some things that I'm sure you wouldn't find important or interesting. I might not put down exactly how I feel in some cases, because that's more of an opinion than something I did, but you know how it goes. If it makes you feel any better, your student doesn't report everything to you either. She has quite a mind on her, she does… I could do all manner of things with it. She has quite the propensity for insanity."

"But you won't touch her if we agree to this little truce of yours."

"I suppose we can make that a term, if you wish… Term six: I will not corrupt any minds using my magic. Unless they choose to follow me down the road, I suppose. Or after, when all this falls apart."

"Falls apart?" Luna asked. Celestia just closed her eyes and whispered something that I wasn't able to hear but was able to read off her mind.

"Old age will steal me away eventually," I said. "If not old age, something will get me. Only I won't die. Even with magic I should die, but I won't. Someone will figure something out eventually. Which brings us to term seven: When it all falls apart, you two will take zero responsibility. We'll have a mock battle and I'll be stone again until I break free. I will use my magic to ensure this happens."

"This seems… wrong, Celestia," Luna whispered.

Celestia didn't answer.

"Term eight: I will obey you both, as a loyal subject should." I mockingly bowed. "Of course, I will happily make suggestions and there are orders that I might conveniently not hear. But if you—" I broke off.

Celestia gave off a smug smile. "Is my student giving you more trouble than you thought?"

I blinked my way back. "Your student has finished the labyrinth, actually. Her friends did not follow my rules. I just had to hide us all while I showed Twilight something she missed." I shuddered. "One thing you two will also never understand: Being everywhere at once. The very air itself seethes with discord! Sciences long forgotten in this world…" I saw them staring at me in confusion. "No matter. I think we were on my last term. Term nine. At any time you may pull the plug on this entire experiment. I go back to being full Discord with all my powers and you go back to being my enemy. And I will not go easy on you. I will dominate this world for so long that there will not be a living soul—dragon, pony, alicorn—that remembers what it was like before I ruled. Assuming you don't win, of course." The two sisters shared a look. I stopped in front of them. "But you know what the fun thing about that is?" They looked at me. "I'll help you fight me!" The look on their faces was priceless.

"How could you help us fight yourself?" Luna asked.

"A good question," I said, patting her on the head. She didn't take it well. "A question which I will only answer if you accept my terms and the truce that accompanies it."

"Celestia, he's lying. You know what he is!"

I stood to my fullest height. "I will always lie. But when I give my word, when I tell a promise, I always keep it. Even you should remember that from our time together, back in the day." I stooped back down.

"Surely you won't consent to being a pony, though," Celestia said. "What kind of disguise will you take?"

I beamed. "I thought you'd never ask!" I snapped my fingers and my form rapidly pulsated, changing, shrinking. When the form finally stopped, I stood before them, shorter than both by at least a few inches.

"What… what are you?" Luna finally asked, after they had both stared at me for nearly a minute.

"What creature is so horrible that could spawn something like Discord?" I asked in a voice not my own. "What is so mentally chaotic and so hate-filled that they could construct something as evil as I?"

"Nothing that I have ever seen," Celestia finally said, after they shared a short look.

"Humans were the first sentient being on this planet. Ever. You can't imagine how long ago that was. Think your lifetime. All of it. Imagine that millions of times. Now billions of times. They thought they knew so much… They thought they were so wise… They had methods of war, of fighting, of killing, that rivaled anything I have seen since. I'll admit, they produced a few souls that gave me a run for my money. But they always fell in the end, and when they did there was usually renewed violence. This form right here, this individual human shape, is the first one to ever call me into existence. Not the idea of discord, but the persona of Discord! I immortalized him for his crime. He's in here," I said, tapping my head, "seeing everything I see, everything I do. You think I am mad!" I couldn't help but chuckle. "Cain was definitely quite the character, that one. But no matter," I said, snapping again and changing back to my form, "that is the form I will take if you agree. I'll even give you the knowledge to change me around if, in the end, you don't like that form."

I put myself right back in front of Celestia. "So. You have heard my terms. I think they are a bit fair, personally. Hell, they give you a pretty big power over me." I shrugged. "But I knew that is what it would take. So what do you say, Celestia? Friends?" I asked, holding out my hand. Her stone skin fell away and she flinched. She looked at my hand, biting her lower lip. She turned her head to look at Luna, who I had turned fully into stone as soon as I let Celestia go. "This is your choice to make, Princess. Your choice."

A minute passed. Two. Finally, she slowly, hesitantly reached her hoof up to shake my hand. As soon as she touched me, she started turning back to stone. "Relax, Celestia, you can still hear me when you are fully stone. You just can't ask questions." She stared at me defiantly until she was completely covered. I let her hoof go.

"I promised you a few extra details," I said. "I wasn't lying. If you ever wish to pull the plug on this experiment, the words you must speak are, 'Tractor sand blue burn.' You must speak them in that order, with nothing in between." I smiled, though I knew she couldn't see me. "Now, you see, this is where things start getting interesting. If you recall, one of my terms was that no one could know of my existence here. Not a single living soul on this world. And the last time I checked, you and your sister were both quite alive. Oh, you're currently incredibly stoned, but you are still alive. So when I snap my fingers again, you are both going to forget all about this talk." I felt Celestia's horror. "Yes, I know how you feel, my dear. But I also remember that you shook on it. And I think that you remember as well. And you want to know the hilarious thing?"

She didn't answer. I continued, "Luna predicted this. Twilight would have predicted this. I'm pretty sure that a child would have predicted this, Celestia. Luna didn't mention it because she thought you knew. Oh, if you had felt her horror when you shook my hand…" I chuckled, and wiped a fake tear out of my eyes. "So you'll forget me. You'll also forget the code words to end it. You'll forget that you were given access to the magic. But you'll still remember how to actually do the magic; I'm not stupid, no matter how much you think I am. Actually, I think I might put some of the magic in an old book for Twilight to find… That seems more humbling, in a way; let the student teach the mistress something."

I felt Celestia's mind shift. "Yes, yes, I'm getting to that. If you somehow remember how to unleash me and decide you wish to, how will I fight with you against myself?" I laughed again. "I think it's somewhat ingenious, myself. You see, the only way you'll remember those words is if I tell you what they are." I felt the horror in her mind expand exponentially.

"So you understand, I see. Yes, I said I will help you fight against myself. So Discord will help Celestia fight against the human that is on Celestia's side by telling her the words that will end the human's existence. Discord tricks Celestia into fighting for him. And you'll fall for it. I already foresee it. And do you know what else I foresee for you, Celestia?" The horror was still growing. "Remember term six of our agreement?" A single tear dropped from her stone face. "I corrupted one sister a few years ago when I wasn't even able to move. You just bet your entire world that I won't be able to corrupt the other one now." I let that sink in for a minute before I snapped my fingers.

The world shifted. Time reversed itself right up to the point where I broke free again. Instead of breaking free, I just melted from the statue, leaving it intact and hollow. I ghosted invisibly across Equestria—across the entire world—whispering in a few minds and setting things up just the way I needed them. I told Celestia I wouldn't use my magic to corrupt minds, but you don't have to break someone to make them do what you want them to. All it takes is a bit of honey words and occasionally some lies.

I drove a pony nearly mad from loneliness.

I pushed the winds to severely injure a griffin when she collided with the ground.

I forced some filthy monsters to begin a migration.

I whispered into the mind of a unicorn, driving him across the lands in search of monsters that didn't exist.

I drove a king mad.

I made a mugger go too far but step back from the abyss when it was almost too late.

I whispered jealous thoughts into the mind of a mare.

I drove narcissism so deeply into the mind of a pony that he would be broken if his body was harmed.

I gave an ancient dragon nightmares.

I drove a serpent mad from loneliness.

And I whispered the method of the spell needed to bring my persona into existence to the mind of one Twilight Sparkle.

And while I was doing all of that, I was crafting my new persona. I could not come to this world with the personality of Discord, as that would tip Celestia off immediately; I was risking enough, coming as I was. And there were a lot of other problems, as well: The language was entirely different from anything Cain or any human had known. The atmosphere was so radically different that any human coming here would probably die almost immediately afterwards. The ponies would be reluctant to accept the human, due to his obvious status as a predator and due to how odd he was. And I had to pretend to be surprised at everything new I was seeing. I would have to master acting, and probably find some manner of handicap for the first few months so none of them would be too suspicious.

So I had to craft a different persona. Someone the ponies could eventually accept. Someone with flaws, so they could teach him. Someone with intelligence and depth, so he could gain friends. I had all of the memories of the dead race of man to work with.

And yet it was difficult. I knew these ponies, knew what I could make work, and yet I didn't know exactly what to do.

And that gave me my best idea: I didn't know what to expect from them and they didn't know what to expect from what I was going to be. So, I would just jump right in and see what happens. I grabbed a personality from my mind and slapped it into a body and got ready for the time of my life.

Chapter One—Wherein I'm introduced to some kind of horses or something

So tired… Bloody insomnia, bloody internet, and bloody caffeine. It's amazing what tricks your brain can pull when you've put up with sleep deprivation for the past few weeks. Right now, it appears that a horse is talking to me.

Maybe I should explain, since these are supposed to be diary entries in case something ever goes wrong. This is my diary, and if you're reading you're a terrible person and you need to stop. Unless I'm dead, in which case I don't honestly guess it matters anymore. I hope my funeral was nice.

I am an eighteen year old high school student, nearing the end of my reign as a senior. College looms, and as the days go by and the work on the road to college mounts, my sleep schedule completely shattered. I am now adrift in the apathetic sea of complete exhaustion, brought almost to my knees in mental anguish as my body struggles to cope. I've long since found that caffeine has the reverse effect on me, but I can't help but try to keep some fluids in me, and all I have left is this bloody acid called coke we humans are so fond of ingesting.

That's the mindset I was in when the 'Initial Incident' happened.

I had finally, finally managed to snatch a few hours of sleep after a large amount of overly difficult calculus work. I slept the sleep of the dead, with no dreams disturbing the blackness of my chaotic mind. I gathered, later, that I was out for maybe an hour or two. A good spell, for me, though it was hardly comforting as I fell asleep in my full regalia: Black shirt, camo jean shorts, a sturdy leather belt with an extensive set of pockets, a watch, socks, and I somehow managed to forget to take my shoes off. I thank myself for that every day, now… In my pockets I carried my usual assortment of gadgets: A butterfly knife—just in case, a lighter, a pair of gloves, a wallet, and my keys. It was not a good rest.

I awoke to a strong pulling sensation. Wearily, I looked down at my legs, and noticed they weren't there anymore. My mind, sluggish from the short bit of sleep, took several seconds to realize that I was missing half my body. When it did, panic ensued. Christ almighty, but that was freaky as hell.

Of course, the pulling sensation didn't end with my legs. I hope I was alone in the house that day, because my screams of terror would have jarred my family quite terribly. After several minutes, my entire body up to my head had disappeared. I got tired of yelling and forced my mouth shut.

A second later, I was gone.

Bright, bright white light. White, or was it blue? Pink? Maybe yellow… The colors in the world were shifting, changing faster than my beleaguered mind could identify. I think I saw a few I couldn't even recognize.

Suddenly, the shifting stopped, and I was left with a searing pain in my eyes. I was somehow floating, it felt. I tried opening my eyes, to find they were already open. I was effectively blind.

Suddenly, a feminine voice cut through the silence. "Not quite what I was expecting… Take a note: The subject appears disoriented. There is little hair covering it, though it wears clothes. Its head appears to be covered mostly in hair, with a nose, lips, two eyes, two ears, and hair covering just about everything else." Her voice droned on, describing this 'subject' with much detail. My mind sorted through some of the details, until I realized she had to be describing me. I have a beard, you see…

"Uh… Hello?" I managed through trembling lips.

"It speaks! And it knows Equestrian! Spike, note this all down. Record everything it says," the feminine voice spoke.

"Are you sure you want to speak about it like that? The thing looks and sounds intelligent…" a more masculine, though childish, voice replied to her.

"There are varying degrees of intelligence, boy," I answered him. "There's book learning, wisdom, and common bloody sense. From the sounds of things, your scientist over there has at least one of those," I said, with a small amount of hostility. "I'm hardly a 'subject' to study, and my eyes flaming hurt. Whatever you're doing, hurry it up, release me and get me a doc or something. I want to make sure I'm not blinded by whatever stunt you pulled." I could tell they were a bit taken aback by my speech.

"The subject—"

"I have a name, lass. I'd appreciate it if you used it, or at least if you called me a person instead of pretending I'm a science project," I said. "I'd be happy to give you my name, if you'd reciprocate. And maybe find me something for my eyes."

She huffed, angered at my tone and my rough treatment of her. She must not be used to teenagers, I thought to myself. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is Spike. Now, what is your name?" she asked me.

"Navarone, at your service," I replied, the lie coming easily to my lips. I have always heard that it's a good idea not to give captors many details about your life, and Navarone is a name I've used in the past so it wouldn't be too hard to answer to. "Now, would you kindly tell me where I am, how I got here, and who you are?" My mind was roiling, trying to keep up with the verbal sparring and trying to process more details. My eyes were starting to hurt less, but they were still blinded.

"A question for a question seems fair to me," she said. I might have been wrong about her, I thought. Maybe some common sense after all. "Where do you come from?"

"Hardly an original question, but seeing as how I still seem to be restrained, we'll play your game." Not knowing how to answer, I told her the truth, relatively. I'm a bit of a sarcastic bastard… "United States of America, North Western Hemisphere, planet Earth, solar system Sol, galaxy Milky Way, third dimension. Now, where are we? More specifically than my answer, that is."

"Your answer told me little, but that's about what I suspected when I asked… My answer will tell you just as little, though, so it's fair. Equestria," she told me, with a hint of a smile in her voice. "What species are you?"

"Equestria? I may be American, but I've seen a few maps. If you want to give me crap answers, maybe I should do the same for you."

"I told you it wouldn't help. Answer the question, please."

"Bah! Human. Technical name Homo sapiens." Due to my lack of sleep, it didn't occur to me at the time why she would be asking something like that. "How did I get here? I remember finally managing to get to sleep, after a long period of severe deprivation, when I got pulled somewhere else."

"Spike, write that down. Human… Put simply, I used a spell to summon you here. I don't really know the equivalent word in your world." Suddenly, my mind started to make a few connections. Before I could act on them, I was being questioned again. "You are wearing clothing. What is it made of?"

My mind was alive, sparking with questions and possible answers. I knew I had to keep playing her game, though. "The shirt is cotton, I think. The pants are denim. The socks are probably cotton. The shoes are rubber and plastic, I think. Now I might know the right question to ask. What the bloody hell are you?" I asked her, partly dreading the answer.

She smiled. How I could tell, with my eyes not working, I don't know. I could just feel it. "I," she said, "am a pony. Welcome, human Navarone, to Equestria."

I floated, a bit dumbstruck. My first thought was honestly aliens. I discounted that when I heard her voice. It was too… kind… to be from something like that. My second thought was some kind of teleportation experiment from some government or another. A bloody talking pony never even entered my mind as a possibility. I have to admit, it took me by surprise.

"Your skin appears to have very little hair on it. Why is that?" she asked me.

"Wait, wait, wait. You're a bloody talking horse. What the hell is he?" I asked, referring to Spike. "Don't tell me: A bloody talking rat?"

"I could count that as your next question, but I'd prefer you answer mine first."

"Besides," Spike said with an insulted tone, "everypony knows rats can't talk."

And everyone knows ponies can't talk either… Wait, did he say everypony? I had to admit, panic was creeping back into my mind. It was being overshadowed by anger, of course. Seeing few options available to me, and knowing I needed information, I kept playing her game. "Evolution, mixed with fashion preference. A long time ago, humans had more hair on them to keep them warm without clothes. We slowly fought our way to sentience, and learned that clothes were better for warmth than a lot of hair. So we started wearing clothes and the like to keep warm. Eventually, so much hair fell out of fashion, and natural selection worked on it, slowly. I'm willing to bet, in a few thousand more years, we won't have much left. Now, what is your friend Spike?"

"He's a baby dragon," she said, matter-of-factly. "I got a bit from your explanation, but what is evolution?"

"A bloody dragon? Christ almighty, the situations I find myself in… Evolution… It is a principle of science. Sometimes, a mutation will occur in a species. An easy example would be innate blindness in a cave fish. Say the rest of the fish can still see, they haven't been trapped there long or something. This one fish that was born blind will have a small advantage, as he won't have to worry as much about energy since his eyes don't work. The other fish have eyes, but they can't see in the darkness. Their eyes are just taking up small amounts of energy. The blind fish will need less energy to survive, and thus live longer to reproduce more often. That way, his genes will spread better through the fish. Eventually, there's a decent probability that all the fish in the cave will be born blind. But, outside of a cave, the blind fish would likely be eaten by a predator before he can age to reproduce. His unfitness would get him killed, so his crappy genes wouldn't spread as far," I explained. "What do you intend to do with me?"

"Interesting theory. It even makes sense, in a way. I hope you got all that, Spike… Now, as to what I'm going to do with you… Well, I haven't quite decided yet. I honestly wasn't expecting to summon anything sentient, or from away from this world. I don't know if I can send you back. That spell was supposed to conjure a weakened member of the most dangerous species in the world for study. You don't seem particularly dangerous…" Spell? A talking pony with magic. The turns my life takes, man.

"Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with my blindness. Or the restraints I can't quite feel. Or the long sleep deprivation I've had. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm coherent enough for this conversation. Gotta love adrenaline, I guess." Suddenly, something she said hit me. "Wait, you can't send me back?"

"There wasn't a spell for it, and experimenting with new magic is usually suicidal, at least magic on that scale. I truly do apologize for it… I know an apology won't make it up, but there's really nothing I can do. I can look for a counterspell, but I can make no promises," she said, truly sounding sad and morose.

I sighed. "If I promise not to attack you, will you at least release me?"

I could practically hear the gears in her mind grinding. "You don't understand," she said at last. "If that spell worked correctly, you are the most dangerous species in the universe. It was supposed to only summon monsters from this world, but you aren't listed in any reference book I've seen. You could say you wouldn't hurt me, and then turn around and, well, hurt me."

"Good of you to be cautious. There are some of my species who would do that. Hell, just looking at me in a biological sense would tell you I'm a predator. Eyes facing forward, bipedal, canine teeth. I, however, am relatively pacifistic until you do something to really, really piss me off. Also, I'm blind, in case you somehow forgot. And you have magic, sharp hooves, and a dragon. What harm could I possibly do?"

"He's right, Twilight. Also, you could at least remove the blindness thing," Spike said, feeling a bit better about me for the hidden compliment. I was beginning to like that kid.

Wait, blindness restraint? I thought. "I'm blind because of you? Jesus, lass, turn that shit off! At least look me in the eyes before you decide my ultimate fate!" I was more than a little angry.

I could tell she was taken aback by my harsh speech.

I growled unpleasantly. "If you don't want to see how violent, dangerous, and strong humanity is, I suggest letting me see. You may have magic, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. It might be wise not to piss of the most dangerous species in the universe, especially when you know almost nothing about us."

After a few seconds, I started to wonder if she changed her mind. I opened my mouth to ask, when the fog blocking my vision started to clear. Grimly, I closed my mouth and did my best to look about the world in which I was held captive.

I appeared to be in either a library or a study. Books lined shelves partially inlaid in walls. I was held, suspended by nothing, a few feet over the floor. I could see part of the second floor from where I hung. All the furnishing appeared to be wooden.

My captors were not quite what I was expecting. The dragon was considerably smaller than I would have guessed, childish voice aside. I reminded myself he was a baby dragon, and figured they really meant baby. He was purple and green, with wide eyes. Twilight was… purple. A purple talking horse. Then I noticed she had a horn. A purple talking unicorn, it appeared. Hey, why not? Her mane was dark blue, with a deep violet line down the middle. Her tail was the same. Even her eyes were purple. Not a horse, I realized after seeing how small she was. She really was a pony. She was looking at me with what appeared to be a hint of fear, wonder, and confusion. It was hard for me to tell; I was hardly a people person, and she had a bloody horse face.

Blinking my eyes rapidly, I took in all these details in seconds. "That's better," I said. "We have horses and ponies where I'm from, but I've never seen a purple one. Or a unicorn. Today is a day full of surprises, it appears…" It's amazing what you think about in situations like those. Not like many people ever find them in one, of course.

"For you and me both," she replied. "I think I'll have to talk to the princess before I can release your other bonds. I'm really sorry, but I don't want to risk releasing a dangerous animal among my people."

"He doesn't look so tough to me. I bet if you brought in Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they could crush him before he could so much as blink," Spike told her. I couldn't help but smile at how he perceived me. Admittedly, I wasn't feeling so hot, but if push came to shove I could probably do a bit of damage to whoever it was thought they could crush me. Especially if I could get to my knife, or my weighted gloves…

"Again, I do understand your hesitation. I hardly inspire confidence with my appearances. Perhaps you could bring in a friend or something to watch me when you make your call," I asked with a small amount of hope. A girl like this, I was hoping, would have some weaker willed friends I could get to release me. I really didn't want to hurt them, but I did want to be able to move again.

"Call?" she asked. "I don't know what you mean. Spike, send the report to Celestia."

With a flourish, he coughed up a small ball of flame and burned the message. I flinched.

She noticed my movement. "Don't worry, it's just how we send messages quickly. Her response shouldn't take long. If you have any more questions, I could try to answer them."

"Who wrote all these books?" I asked. My mind still wasn't working too well, and this seemed an obvious fault at the time. "You don't have any thumbs, and dragons stay that small for only so long."

"You'd be surprised how long dragons take to grow," she said. "But really, unicorns write most of them. We can manipulate objects with magic. It's just more convenient to have an assistant help me with field work."

I nodded, having done some work like that myself. "You were supposed to summon something really dangerous. This room isn't all that big. What if whatever you had summoned was too big? Or what if it had been able to break through your spells?"

She seemed a bit taken aback. "I… I hadn't really thought of that." So much for her having common sense. "I suppose that's why the spell was supposed to summon a weakened version of the species. I guess I messed up somewhere, though, because I've never heard of anything like you before."

"Why would you be trying to summon something like that anyway?"

"To find its weaknesses, of course. Equestria isn't entirely safe. I figured I could summon something, study it, and then have it sent back to where ever it came from in the world. But you don't come from this world."

I tried to shrug, but the invisible restraints around me wouldn't allow it. "Why are you sending that message to the princess, instead of the king or queen? Did she commission the experiment?"

She looked at me oddly. "Queen? King? We don't have those in Equestria."

"Odd. In my world, the king and queen rule, while the princess is in training to either rule or be wed off for power. The king and queen are the parents, while the princess is the daughter of them. Even then, monarchy fell out of style with a lot of my world, but I'm hardly here to provoke a political uprising…"

"The princess has always been our ruler. Celestia reigns alongside her sister, Luna, now. They have recently been reconciled after centuries of separation and bitterness."

I was about to comment on that when Spike suddenly convulsed and belched out smoke, fire, and a scroll.

It's an odd feeling, to have your life left up to a mysterious benefactor, communicating solely through a flaming scroll. If possible, I would have crossed my fingers.

The scroll gently floated down and Spike caught it with experienced hands. Opening it, he intoned: "My dearest Twilight, you should know better than to play with dangerous magic, especially with no pony else knowing what you're doing in case something goes wrong. However, what's done is done. I trust your judgment in dealing with this creature. If he is as dangerous as you think he is, I suggest getting your friends together in case he tries to hurt you or escape. Just be careful, and remember that I will come if you call, as always. Your loving teacher, Celestia." His recitation ended, Spike folded up the scroll and looked to Twilight.

"I'll listen to her suggestion. I don't think Pinkie Pie or Rarity could help much if he turned out dangerous… Spike, go get Rainbow Dash. Tell her to find Applejack and Fluttershy, and to let them know we have an emergency here. Don't give any details, just tell her to hurry, and tell no one else but them."

"Fluttershy? Are you sure you want her mixed up in this?" he asked her.

"Trust me, Spike. Go," she told him. He went. "Now, Navarone, tell me why we shouldn't leave you restrained until you're too weak to do any harm."

I smiled grimly. "If you keep me up here that long, there's a good chance you'll be waiting until I die. If you do decide I'm weakened and you let me down, there's no telling how much animosity might have built in me by then. I don't usually hold grudges and I try to never hurt anyone, but I make exceptions for those who try to hurt others, especially when those others include me."

She didn't look happy at that. "Just… stop talking for now. I'll decide what to do when the others get here… Don't talk to them, either, until I tell you it's okay."

I mockingly bowed my head. "As you command, jail mistress." She actually stuck her tongue out at me.

We didn't have to wait long. Spike came running in after a few minutes to see us making faces at each other. He looked on, confused for a minute, before reporting. "I found Rainbow Dash, but she was with Pinkie. I told her separately, but Pinkie knows something is wrong. I don't know what she'll do, though…"

"We'll deal with her if we have to, but she probably won't be a problem. You know how she is. Is Rainbow Dash on her way?"

"Of course. She doesn't know exactly what's wrong, but if there's an emergency you know she'll be at her fastest," he told her.

"Good. Now, Navarone, is there anything you want to tell me about before the others arrive?"

"Well," I started. "I have hidden about my body some weapons. I wasn't going to tell you, just in case, but right now honesty seems a bit more of a better policy than silence. I have a knife in my right upper pocket, a set of weighted gloves in my left and right lower pockets, a set of keys in my left upper pocket, a wallet in my right lower pocket, and a lighter in my upper left. They can't exactly do me much good up here, but I figure it's probably better you know now than find out when you release me…"

"I don't know what half of those are," she told me. "If that's what you carry with you when you sleep, maybe it's a good thing I kept you up there…" I couldn't help but smile at that. "Now, though, stop talking. I want the others to see you as I first did, with no bias of your words. I'll use their judgments as a basis for what the rest of the world will see."

I sighed and nodded my assent. Again, it was a brief wait. It wasn't long before a copper pony with golden hair and green eyes ran in, half-way knocking the door down. She was… wearing a cowboy hat. They have a talking dragon. Why not add clothes? I saw her hair and tail were tied off at the ends.

"What's the emergency, Twilight?" the new pony asked, fixing me with a rancid glare. "Is this critter here doing something to hurt you? Looks like you got it trussed up real tight." Her accent was extremely southern.

I gave her a look, then closed my eyes and tried to relax a bit. "No, he's not a threat right now. But I want some other opinions on him before I let him down. I'll tell you more when the others get here," Twilight told her.

This time, the wait was almost instantaneous. I might have fallen asleep, I was so tired. Suddenly, a blast of wind set me rocking in my invisible binds. I opened my eyes to find a set of dark pink irises glaring at me. I tried to recoil, and managed to open my eyes wide enough to find the set of eyes fixed on me were attached to a pony. My shock was still registering when I noticed she had wings. Talking ponies, unicorns, dragons, and now a bloody pegasus? What other surprises await me? I gave the newcomer a relaxed grin, trying to look disarming. I saw she was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored mane. Rainbow Dash, I presume?

"Aw, this thing doesn't look so scary to me," the one I thought to be Rainbow Dash said with much brashness. "It looks about harmless. No strong hooves, no horn, its teeth are small enough. I don't know why you need us here."

"Looks can be deceiving," Twilight said. "There's something about this one that I don't trust just yet."

"I feel it too," Applejack muttered. "Something about his eyes that seem off. Fluttershy, you're used to dealing with animals. What can you tell us about it?"

I didn't even notice the other pony there, she was so quiet and unassuming. She was a bright yellow, with a flowing pink mane. She was looking at me with a curious but fearful gaze. I saw she also had wings. Applejack had to prod her to get her to speak up, and then she spoke so quietly I almost couldn't hear her. "He scares me," she started.

"Doesn't take much to do that," Rainbow joked at her. Twilight motioned her to stop, and looked at Fluttershy to continue.

"There's something about him that seems unnatural. I've never seen anything like him and I've been dealing with animals most of my life. I think it's a good thing you have him restrained, Twilight." Her voice was soft as silk, I noticed. I could see where she got her name. She was so quiet, so shy, and her wings looked dainty. I could imagine her fluttering about the sky like a little butterfly.

"Spike, you have anything to add?" Twilight asked him, seeing his incredulous looks between Applejack and Fluttershy.

"It just doesn't seem fair to condemn him so quickly," he said. "He's done nothing to us but look odd and be weird. Haven't we learned our lesson about that from Zecora?" They all had the decency to look abashed, whoever Zecora was.

Twilight was the first to break the silence. "I wasn't entirely honest with you all, when you got here. Our… guest… can speak." Amid their odd looks, she continued. "Navarone, say something."

I was about bursting to say something, with all their innate condemnations of me. "You know I'm intelligent and educated, Twilight. You also know I am what you decided to summon. It's not my fault that I'm here. Given the choice, I'd happily be back in my bed, which you were so kind to rip me out of. I've been honest with you up until now." Mostly. "I told you what I have with me, and how tired I am. I don't know why I should say anything more until you decide what to do with me, unless you want to hold me here as an exhibit for your friends." I said this last bit with an added burst of hostility, and a few glares for the ponies that were now staring at me with a mix of horror and fascination.

They were silent for some moments. Applejack was the first to break the silence. "You know, sugarcube, he's right," she said. "If what he said is true, then it ain't fair to keep him up there."

Rainbow Dash quickly added her two cents. "Applejack is right. I say let him down. If he tries anything, we can take him."

Fluttershy was silent, and was looking as though she was trying to find something or someone to hide behind. Twilight deliberated for a minute or two.

"I guess I should tell you all the whole story, then…" She spent a few minutes recounting the tale of my conjuration, most of what I said, and about the gear I had secreted about me. "I don't want to hold him forever, and the princess did give me leave to do as I felt was right, but the spell was made to summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Should we really risk letting him go?"

So much for not biasing them…

"We could leash him," suggested Rainbow. I gave her the nastiest glare I could, and she had the grace to look away, blushing slightly. "Never mind…"

"I've already said I have no intention of hurting anyone. If you won't believe me now then I doubt you ever will. I refuse to be part of a zoo, so if you don't plan on releasing me soon you might as well gore me to death with that pretty little horn you have there," I said to Twilight. She looked sick at the thought of goring something, and turned slightly greenish. The others appeared shocked that I would even suggest something like that. Fluttershy started making little whimpering noises.

I could tell she might be my ticket to freedom. The others seemed to trust her judgment more than each other. I could use that. I looked at her imploringly. She flinched. "Fluttershy, I can tell you're not one to hurt any living thing. Could you live with yourself if you let them keep me here, pinned and friendless? I am no criminal, nor have I done anything to hurt anything in this world. I just got here, and you all seem innately against me, just because I'm different. You may think I'm dangerous, but would you rather trust a spell or your own eyes?"

I am not good at begging for my life. It was a first for me, and admittedly not my best moment.

The ensuing silence lasted a while. I did my best to look as innocent and downtrodden as I could, trying to get Fluttershy or one of the others to feel some kind of pity. I hated the act.

Twilight was the first to speak up. "I think we need to talk about this, away from him. Spike, watch him. If he starts breaking free, make as much noise as you can and we'll be there right away." With that, the ponies walked out of the library, trying to keep as much space between me and them as possible. I was left with the dragon.

"Tell me true, son. What are my chances for getting out of this mess?" I asked him. He looked at me, startled.

"Son? What? Anyway, you're gonna be fine. I don't think anypony here would hurt you for no reason. I don't know when they'll let you go, but they won't hurt you," he told me. "How about you tell me about your humans?"

I sighed, and delved straight into a long lecture about political theories, comparing democracy, despotism, and monarchies and how they would fare under the economic systems of capitalism, communism, and socialism. He quickly shushed me, and we waited in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, the ponies came back in. Fluttershy looked terrified, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked determined, and Twilight looked… resigned. I had a good feeling.

"Don't make any sudden movements," Twilight warned me. That was all I got before being unceremoniously dropped to the floor. I landed hard and did my best to force my weary knees to catch me.

I slowly straightened my back, loudly popping it as it cracked into a straight line. I saw that I stood at least a head over the ponies, and around three feet over the little dragon. I folded my arms over my chest and stood calmly, awaiting their next move.

"I would ask that you empty your pockets. If you want us to give you any degree of freedom, we can't have you walking around with anything dangerous," Twilight told me.

Sighing slightly, I did as she asked. There was not a table near me, so I knelt down and emptied my pockets. There was a nice little collection in front of me. I jumped a little as Twilight's horn started glowing and the objects drifted off the floor and slowly sailed towards her. "I wouldn't play with some of those, if I were you. You might get hurt," I warned.

She took my hint and moved them to a small table at the edge of the room. "We'll go over them later, I guess. For now, we have to decide what to do with you. It's getting late, and I really don't want to leave you with any means of hurting anypony…"

I did my best to look hurt. "Come now, lass. I've done everything you asked, and offered a bit more. I didn't have to tell you about my tools, and I could have fled as soon as you dropped me. No offense to your friends, but you would be hard pressed to stop me if I really wanted to get away. You have nothing to fear from me, as long as you continue to treat me fair."

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked a bit insulted at my estimations of their worth, and Fluttershy paled even more.

Spike quickly spoke up in my defense, oddly enough. "Twilight, I really don't think he wants to hurt us. I say we let him stay here, at least for the night. We have an extra bed, after all." I could see this kid was really going to be useful.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren't very happy with that plan. "You want to leave him in the middle of Ponyville?" Applejack asked. I snorted at the name of the town. "We could easily take him to my place in the fields. If he turns out to be dangerous after all, we'll be in a much better area in which to stop him."

Rainbow Dash looked at me askance, before turning her eyes back on Twilight. "Better than that, you could use that spell on him to make him able to walk on clouds, then I could take him to my place and leave him there for the night. There would literally be nowhere for him to go, or anypony for him to hurt."

Twilight took a second to consider. "Moving him would be too risky. Too many ponies around. If they see him, they might panic, or ask questions we don't have time to answer yet. Both of those plans are good possibilities for later, if we need them, but for now they wouldn't quite work. There's nothing for it but to leave him here and hope he sticks to his word…"

I smiled triumphantly. "However," she continued, "I wouldn't mind the company, if you two wanted to stay here and help me watch him. Fluttershy, you're welcome to go home; you haven't been able to look at him easily since I let him down."

Fluttershy looked at her, a bit flustered. "I'll stay here, just in case. I won't let my friends down, and there might still be something I can do." The others, not to be outdone by this quiet pony's easy assent, quickly added their voices to hers in confirming their readiness to watch over me.

"Come now, ladies, there's no real need to guard me this much. I already said I intend no damage, and I always keep my word," I told them. They gave me that typical woman look. At least some things never change. I sighed and said offhanded to Spike, "Where I come from, there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works." He burst out laughing, and I got at least a smile out of Rainbow Dash before she quickly smoothed her face. I snapped my fingers in defeat. "Fine, watch me if you must. I see it'll be hard to earn your trust."

I won't go over the details, but it was a long and boring night. I couldn't get much sleep, as they insisted on leaving lights on to watch me. It was just another typical night of restlessness for me, though they all looked weak and weary even after the sun rose.

There was a window in the room in which we slept. Through it I watched the moon sink and the sun rise through the long night. Shadows played over the walls through what I later realized were leaves. It turns out I was inside a giant tree. When the sun rose proper, I was able to get a good look at the land in which I was now a permanent resident.

I had never seen a more colorful landscape. Flowers littered the ground in seemingly random jumbles. The grass was a beautiful and vibrant shade of green. The buildings were elegantly designed with maximum aesthetic appeal in mind. They glowed with every shade of color I could imagine. Looking at the sky, I could see a few pegasi in the clouds, looking like they were trying to push the clouds around.

Before I could notice many more details, I was pulled back from the window. I turned to see Twilight appear to shrug before saying, "Sorry, but I don't want to risk anypony seeing you just yet." I stepped back to the other side of the room.

"What's the agenda today? More interrogations, or are you just going to deliberate what to do with me?" I asked her. "And…" I felt my stomach shift, "I don't suppose you have any food that I would be able to eat?"

"After your good behavior last night," she said. I snorted. "—we were thinking of introducing you to two of my other friends," she continued. "And my friend Applejack brought you some—Wait. What can you eat?"

"Fruit. Meat." She shuddered at that and looked at me with an expression I was beginning to recognize at fear. "Some vegetables. What do ponies eat?"

She looked happier to be explaining something. "Fruit, vegetables, grass, flowers. Some of us even eat leaves, but we prefer not to talk about them… So you eat meat?"

"I can eat it, yes," I said. "But it is also possible for humans to live without it." Though it sucks when you have to. "With Spike as an assistant, I don't know why you would find it so hard to accept something that does eat it."

"Spike doesn't eat meat," she answered, looking at me with something else in her face. Disgust, perhaps.

What the fuck kind of dragon doesn't eat meat? I shrugged. "You said your friend Applejack brought me something. I'm willing to bet my useless money that she brought me apples?" Twilight nodded. "I can eat apples, assuming they're the same apples we have in our world." Twilight sagged slightly and gave me what I assume was a smile.

I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She tried searching my face for something, but gave up. I felt the same way; I have no idea how to read a pony face. "Come on down to the main room," she said. "They're already here."

I followed her to the staircase and we descended into the foyer. I heard two astonished gasps.

"Oh my word, what is that… thing?" one of the new ponies said. She was another unicorn, I saw. Her main body was dead white, with a bright purple mane and tail. Her dark blue eyes looked at me with barely disguised fear.

The other reaction was not so rude, though it was just as startling. It was a very surprised squeal and a very fast uttering of words that I had no chance at all of interpreting. I saw this one was pink, with a darker pink mane that was rather massively curly. Her light blue eyes stared at me with glee.

I glared at the white one. "Nice to meet you too, tutz. I guess you learned your manners guarding a concentration camp?"

She had the grace to look ashamed, at least. I probably shouldn't have been so harsh, but sleep deprivation gave my words a sharper edge. Though, thinking about it, they probably had no idea what a concentration camp was…

Twilight cleared her throat. "Pinkie Pie, Rarity, this is Navarone. He is my… guest. He's a human."

I bowed mockingly.

"I'm sorry for my… outburst. I've just never seen anything like you," Rarity said.

"Consider it forgotten," I told her. "Where I come from, the exchange we had would not have needed apologizing, as our faults canceled each other out. I suppose I need to learn new rules here."

Pinkie had stopped her loud intonation. "What are you gonna do with him, Twilight? Can we keep him? Huh, huh?"

I could tell it was going to be a long day.

One long, long day later, I was still not that much closer to many answers. Apparently, these ponies had more technology than their simple accommodations gave them credit for. Twilight led me and her friends down to a cellar full of science equipment, and started to hook me up to some of it. I was feeling decidedly uncomfortable about the situation, and decided to make my position known.

"We're just running some tests," Twilight told me. "We have to make sure you don't have anything in you that might make us sick or unhealthy. Some of the containment spells I cast on you when you were summoned will be wearing off soon, and I don't want to risk anything. Cooperating will make us more willing to trust you."

Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot up and down my spine. "Oooh, that's what that does!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I was left speechless, smoking slightly, my hair thrown about.

Spitting out a bit of smoke, I managed to find my voice. "Son of a bitch! Don't. Do. That. Again. Why would you keep something like that in your bloody lab anyway?"

I could see Rainbow Dash struggling not to laugh at my disheveled appearance, but the others seemed a bit taken aback, either at my voice or the Pinkie Pie's rashness.

"Well, excuse me for being curious!" the pink one said. "It's not like you were seriously hurt."

"That's actually not supposed to happen," Twilight said. "In fact, I don't know how she did it." Seeing Pinkie Pie move to show her, Twilight quickly added, "And don't show me how it's done, either. I don't want him to turn violent…"

The rest of the testing went relatively smoothly, though I must admit a few of the tests had me a bit flustered. Some of their comments on the anatomical differences were also a bit… disconcerting. From their comments, I'd put these ponies at the age of young adults, maybe equivalent to our twenty year olds. All female, of course, aside from Spike. It was, as I said, a long day.

"So, as far as I can tell, you're healthy. I don't know much—well, anything—about human physiology, but you look okay, even after that nasty shock," Twilight told me.

It was nearing night again, and her friends actually left. I was surprised, and said as much.

"We're a trusting species," she told me. "Don't abuse our trust, and we'll get along fine. Besides, from some of your actions today, you seem like a decent sort. And from what I was able to tell of your condition from some of the other… tests," she said, blushing slightly, "you're hardly in a position to harm us, not without some kind of weapon."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said, flatly. "Now how am I to defend myself if you decide I am some kind of threat? Should I just roll over and accept death?"

"To answer the first question, you are obviously a threat. Just probably not to us, unless, as Pinkie demonstrated, we do something to anger or hurt you. Most ponies wouldn't do that. To answer the second, that would hopefully be your opinion on the matter, yes."

Not what I wanted to hear, precisely, but you can't always get what you want. Christ, but I was finding that out faster than most Africans do at a Red Cross aid station. Oh, and if I hadn't mentioned, I'm a terrible person. Usually.

The next morning found me sleeping in for quite a while. God help me, but the sleep deprivation was finally wearing off. I could feel myself returning to normal.

It was miserable. There's a reason, aside from school, that I keep myself so deprived. As I have said before, I'm a terrible person. Sleep deprivation gives me a decent excuse for this, and makes it somewhat understandable.

Then a realization hit me. My home quite literally did not exist at that moment, what with me being in another dimension or something. I could be anyone I wanted to be, as long as I could live with myself. No more putting on airs… I figured eighteen years wasn't too long to permanently ingrain a sense of self into someone. Is it?

It was with that thought that I got out of the guest bed. I was in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, which should have been the first sign of something bad about to come.

Twilight was waiting for me in the main room of her little hovel. Rarity was there with her, annoyingly. Not so much annoying as—well, fuck it. I said I was changing, so here it is: That pony gets on my nerves, raw and plain.

"Rarity is our chief fashion designer here in Ponyville. Since it looks like you're going to be here for the duration, it's important that you have something else to wear. Or at least, it's probably important to you. I honestly don't think it matters to most ponies. We wouldn't know the difference anyway," Twilight said.

"Besides, what you came here in is so… Ugh. Twilight doesn't want you seen outside this building yet, so I had to bring all my measuring tools here. I do hope you'll accept her offer. I would love the challenge, and the credit of being the first to design clothing for the newest discovered species!"

"I would love to accept, but I see a few problems. First, I have no way to pay for the labor. It hardly seems fair, in my mind. Second, don't you dare dress me up as a pompous twit. Keep it simple, lass. I don't know if you know how to make denim, but otherwise direct copies of my shirt and pants would be good. There's no way I'll blend in with the crowds, but that doesn't mean I have to stick out like a bloody sore thumb. If anyone asks why you didn't design better clothes, just tell them that this is the fashion back where I come from, and hope the fools don't decide to copy it."

She seemed a bit taken aback by my tirade, and possibly insulted. "I'm not quite certain what a twit is, but you can be certain nothing I dress you up in will make you look like one. And keeping it simple? Bah! That's what a laypony is for. I'm here to dress you up like what you are: The one and only member of a species no one has ever seen before! The mystery, the intrigue!" Her voice dropped, her lower lips quivered, and her eyes got big and teary at this next bit: "You wouldn't deny poor little me the opportunity of a lifetime, would you?"

I looked at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. "Fashion means nothing to me, lass. I don't care what everyone else is doing or what most of them think. As I said, if you're going to make me anything, keep it simple."

I honestly thought she was going to call me a heathen and try to strike me down. Sadly, Twilight stepped in. "I think what he means, Rarity, is that he doesn't want to cause too much of a scene. His appearance will already cause quite a bit of stir. No reason to make it worse unnecessarily."

Rarity still looked ready to fight, but one look at the combined front of reason made her sigh with resignation and get to work measuring me.

I will admit, she did a fine and thorough job of it, especially for having no hands. Magic has its uses, I suppose.

"Now, about payment, or something of that nature," I began. I didn't get any farther.

"Don't worry about it," I was told. I shrugged. Your fault I'm here anyway, I thought. Still, doesn't feel right.

Noticing their looks, I figured I would have to explain some human mannerisms. "Shrugging is basically a way of saying 'whatever.'" They were still confused. "Whatever is basically a way of saying 'okay, have it your way.'" That, they understood. Bloody women.

Measurements done, Rarity trundled away, muttering unpleasant things under her breath. As the door closed, I turned to Twilight. "She really didn't like that, did she?"

"She likes getting her way, and she lives for fashion. Meeting somepony who doesn't, and is willing to stick by that position, unnerved her and made her angry. You should be happy she didn't fight the issue," she told me.

"So, what's next on the agenda?" I asked. "Surely you have some other cruel or unusual test you need to run on me, or something else planned."

Sadly, she didn't rise to the bait. She was learning. "Next, you have a meeting with the mayor. Since you still can't exactly go wandering around Ponyville, she'll have to come here. That means you get to help me clean up. Seeing as how you have thumbs, it shouldn't be that hard."

"You have magic. Why can't you just magic the place clean?" I asked.

"There is no spell strong enough that could clean up this train wreck," she told me. I think she was exaggerating, myself. It's probably a good thing she couldn't see my room as I left it behind. Of course, if she had been able to see it, she probably wouldn't have seconded me to help clean…

"And where is your faithful helper in all this?" I asked. "Surely he knows better where all these books go than I would."

"He's talking to the mayor, actually. It's hard to tell her why I'm bringing her here without making it seem like I've done something worth everypony being here for or a waste of her time. So, get to cleaning."

I'll skip the cleaning. It was boring, though I did find they had a shitty categorical system. While we were cleaning, I learned a bit more about this world. I already knew about Celestia and Luna, but apparently the ponies here believed they raised and lowered the sun and moon. Now, in my world the sun rises and lowers by itself, and I wouldn't be so surprised to learn Celestia and Luna were lying about controlling them so they could force the ponies to keep them in power.

That said, I'm not stupid enough to mention it. If my suspicions were true, my head might end up on a chopping block for speaking out about it. Besides, Twilight's a talking unicorn that can do magic. For all I knew, it actually was true that they controlled the sun and moon. I didn't believe it myself, but it wasn't my place to say anything.

I mentioned the shitty categorical system to Twilight when we were finished. "Why don't you have a standard categorizing system for books?"

"We do have a system!" she said. "Every so often, I pull all the books off the shelves and put them where I think they should go. That way I'll always know where they are."

"…This is a library, you said."

"Yep! The only one in Ponyville!"

"And you're the only librarian?"

"Uh-huh. Spike helps out a bit too, of course."

"And you don't see any problem with the fact that no one else can find a book but you or Spike?"

"Why would there be a problem?"

"What if someone wanted to check out a book but couldn't find it? Or what if they knew where a book was one day and wanted to come back to get it later, but couldn't find it in the same spot and gave up?"

"Well, how do you humans organize books?"

I explained the Dewey Decimal System. About a quarter of the way into it her mouth dropped. About halfway into it she had me start over so she could take notes.

"That's genius, Navarone!" she said when I finished. "Why did we never think of that?"

I shrugged. "Took us a while, too. Probably why the heathens burned the Library of Alexandria; they couldn't find the children's section."

Her mouth dropped. "Somepony burned a library in your world?"

"Not a library, Twilight, the library. There were scrolls in that place that were thousands of years old. All of mankind's knowledge in one place, all lost when the barbarians put it to the torch. Damn shame. Now we keep just about everything on computers, though we still have libraries out and about." I could tell I piqued her interest, and hid a smile. Well, Twilight isn't suspicious of me anymore.

I'll also skip the meeting with the mayor. It was much the same as my meeting with Twilight's friends, though it did involve more promises not to hurt anyone without a very, very good reason. It was a very unpleasant conversation. I swear, these ponies thought I was the devil or something.

The rest of the day passed with little incident, though I was never really able to make good on that promise to change. I tried to be a better person, but every time I saw a chance for a good one liner, I plugged it in. If you… know what I mean. I did, at least, remove most of my sex jokes. Not like those ponies would have gotten those anyway. Or at least, I don't think they would.

The next day brought me sleeping in quite a bit less. Thankfully, the effects of sleep deprivation don't hit the young as bad as they do the old. I was mostly over it by that point, and I started noticing more and more.

The first thing I had a chance to notice when I woke up was a very large and very blue set of eyes right in my face. I won't lie, I jumped. And yelled an obscenity. Pinkie Pie's reaction was funnier, admittedly. She started hiccupping when I yelled. Have you ever seen a horse hiccup? Funniest thing I ever saw. We both started laughing.

"So, aside from being creepy, why were you staring at me while I slept?" I asked her when that little episode was over.

"Well, I was going to apologize for shocking you, but then I saw you sleeping, and then I realized that I'd never seen a human sleeping before, and I wanted to see how different it would be from a pony sleeping, so I was watching you while you slept!"

All that came out in a rather quick tirade. It was a bit disquieting. "Well, what did you discover? Am I that different from a pony?"

"Oh, yes! Your face is all squished and flat! Also, your eyes are super small, and are a very dark green instead of the bright colors most ponies have. I didn't notice that while you were sleeping, though…"

"Pinkie… you are a little random, aren't you? Also, apology accepted. Accidents happen, I suppose. Hell, I'm here because of one. So, does Twilight know you're up here? Or did you manage to sneak past her oppressive guard?"

"I would hardly consider her oppressive, but she does know I'm here."

"Not oppressive to you, maybe, but I've been cramped in this bloody library since I got here. Does she actually live here, or is she just staying here?"

As she started to answer, I noticed her tail start to spaz out. I thought it was having a seizure or something, and asked her about it.

As soon as I mentioned it, she squawked and looked around for something to duck under. Just as she jumped under a table and I took the hint and fell off the bed, the window exploded and a blue mass went crashing into the far wall.

"Jesus!" I yelled. "What the hell was that?" Seeing Rainbow Dash twitching against the wall, I rushed over to check her for injuries. Surprisingly, despite crashing through several branches, a glass window, and crashing into a wall at a speed so fast that I couldn't even register what she was, the pony was somehow completely undamaged. Not a feather out of place.

"How the hell are you not broken?" I asked her. "What you just did should have had you scratched to hell and probably smashed into the bloody wall!"

"I'm used to it," she said. "They used to call me Rainbow Crash back in school…"

Note to self: Never accept a ride from these ponies. Jesus.

Pinkie Pie was digging her way out of the wreckage around the table as Twilight started running up the stairs to see what was amiss. She just sighed when she saw her window. "Another new window… Thanks, Rainbow Dash."

"Sorry, Twilight…" she muttered. "You know how it is."

"So… is this a normal occurrence in Ponyland? I'm not certain I want to sleep in a room with a window if it is," I said. "Christ, I don't even know how she isn't a broken mess! You ponies must be more resilient than a bloody jet."

They were confused by jets. I just waved them on, telling them to forget it. No use explaining tech they still wouldn't understand.

"I don't crash that often!" protested Rainbow Dash. "Besides, I totally planned that anyway!"

"Yeah. Sure you did," I said, somewhat resigned and rubbing my temple slightly. So much for being a better person… "Sorry if I seem a bit… testy. I've been trapped inside for the past few days, completely separated from any chance of ever seeing my home again, trapped here in a world where things thought impossible are apparently commonplace, with a load of personalities that are very different from mine. It will take some… adjustment, I suppose. Though, thinking about it, you likely wouldn't know the difference from a testy me and a normal me."

"We understand, Navarone. I've been looking for a spell to send you back, but there's nothing about it in any of my books. I even asked Princess Celestia to look into it, but she has reported no luck. As far as I can tell, you're stuck here…" Twilight said.

"So, what's on today's agenda?" I sighed.

I can understand if some readers—of which there shouldn't be, unless I'm dead—might think I was taking this entire thing rather well. At the time, I still hadn't discounted the chance that it was all a dream from when I had fallen asleep. I also hadn't—and still haven't, for that matter—discounted the fact that I might possibly be insane.

Either way, sleep deprivation and probably shock were keeping me functioning. That and I've always been very passive anyway. Things happen. You can't undo them. Just learn to go with the flow. Sometimes it's hard to think that, though. But this… Who knows?

Anyway, the clothes were done. And apparently, Rarity has a bloody hard time taking instructions.

"Rarity, you seem too smart to be unable to take simple instructions. Why, I wonder, did you make me clothes that go completely against what I asked you to make? I understand we didn't quite get off the most… understandable… start, but that's no reason to torture me with your vibrant messes," I told her.

She was not at all pleased with my choice of words, but took great pains to hide her anger. "Because fashion cannot be dictated by one pony… or human, I suppose. I simply couldn't let you go on to wear more of what you are now! It would be a disgrace to my profession!"

"You are a very dramatic pony. I suppose you never thought that perhaps I wanted to go against your pony fashions? That perhaps, in doing so, I would create a counter fashion that all the ponies in the know would rush to copy? In my world, if a guest from another world came by, the bloody cattle in charge of fashion would rush to copy his every stitch. I figured your fashion industry is run the same way. What better chance would I have to be accepted here if I—seemingly accidentally—started an entire fashion trend based off human designs?" I didn't exactly feel right lying, but I was starting to just not care at all. Again.

"Your fashion industry is run by cows? I thought only humans could talk in your world!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I jumped when she spoke up; honestly, I thought she had left. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, looking over the books on the shelves.

"Figure of speech, lass. Figure of speech…" I said. God, these ponies are going to drive me to bloody drink. Doubt they even have booze here…

During that small exchange, Rarity was mulling over what I said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, quite like a fish. It was… satisfying.

Finally, she said, "I think I see your point, actually. Surprisingly… I don't know why I didn't think of it! If you had just told me why you wanted me to create such hideous things, I would have done so with a clear conscience."

"Not that I really mind pony fashion, now that I see some of what you've made. Still, I would rather flee back to the familiar than fly to the clutches of the new. No reason to waste the cloth, if you can't reuse it. If it can't be recycled, I'll at least hold on to these and wear them on special occasions, or something," I told her. The beaming smile I got back almost made me regret lying earlier.

I stopped almost regretting in with what came next, of course. "You simply must try them all on!" she exhorted. Give a mouse a cookie.

"Nay, lass. I'm sure Twilight has something else planned for me this day. Something long and dreadful that you wouldn't want to be around for."

"Welllll," Twilight started. I flashed her a look and she took the hint. "Yes, actually. Run along, Rarity. I'm sure your work will fit him just fine."

"But Twilight!" Rarity started, before being unceremoniously bundled out the door.

I sighed in relief, but jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke up again. "Now we can talk about your Welcome to Ponyville Party!"

What. I gave Twilight a look. She answered me with a shake of her head. I turned to Pinkie. "I'm allergic to parties."

Every bone in her body jerked as she shot her entire body toward me. Her eyes went so wide that by all rights they should have popped out. It scared the shit out of me. "What. Did. You. Say," she uttered in a voice that should have had me quivering in fear.

"Parties. I'm allergic to them. Deathly so, I'm afraid." That was a lie, by the way. I don't think that's possible. "I'm afraid having a party for me would be simply impossible."

She seemed to withdraw in on herself. She was muttering something, looking deep in thought. Twilight was giving me an intrigued look. "Humans can be allergic to parties?" she asked. "What else can you be allergic to?"

"We can talk about it later, Twilight. I think Pinkie has something else she needs to say."

She did, apparently. "I know I can't throw you a party… but would cupcakes make up for it?"

"How about muffins instead? I prefer them and I don't really like icing."

Her mouth dropped. I thought for a second that I broke her. Her eyes seemed to glaze over. Twilight was looking at me with fear in her eyes. I was about to say something when Pinkie jerked again. "We'll see about that," she finally said. I had a feeling that I had made a very big mistake. She pulled something from somewhere—I don't know where, I guess her poofy hair—and threw it on the ground, making a cloud of pink smoke. When it dissipated, she was gone.

I seem to be getting a lot of practice with long-suffering sighs, lately. Something told me that this was only the beginning.

"You're sure this is a good idea? It's not too late to just kill me and sweep my corpse under the rug, you know," I whispered.

"Killing you would make too much of a mess, and would ruin all the effort you put into cleaning this place," Twilight whispered back. She was getting used to my kind of humor. I didn't know if that was good or bad. "Besides, it's not like we're going to be giving you a grand entrance. You're just going outside, and anypony that wants to ask, will. Then I'll have to explain that you're an interdimensional being that I accidentally summoned and that you are part of the most dangerous species anywhere."

"Gee, when you put it that way, I'm sure everything will go just fine. Tell me again about what happened with that zebra, and how well the town took it. At least a zebra is pony shaped!" I said.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you were nervous. I was thinking you were too calm and collected for that!"

"Imagine it from my point of view: You're a one of a kind species on a world where you are not supposed to exist. You are about to be introduced to a group of people that have never seen anything like you before, and know nothing about you other than that you look different and are probably a predator. These people are herbivores. Your life expectancy depends on how this first contact will go. And the one person you think you can trust is thinking about telling the people you're about to meet that you are probably among the most dangerous beings ever. Even if you are incredibly dangerous, that has a nerve-wracking quality to it. Especially if you're extremely dangerous, but have access to almost none of the tools that make you that way."

She had nothing to say to that. "Just remember the plan," she said. "Now, are you ready?"

"No," I replied, and pushed the door open to the bright world beyond.

"It is my opinion as the ambassador to the human race," Twilight began a few hours later, "that it could have been worse."

"You need to learn to lie better. We'll have to work on that," I told her. Admittedly, she wasn't wrong. I could be dead right now, or completely ostracized. I can't really say it was that bad, really. Some people—people, ponies, whatever—just don't know how to stick to a bloody plan.

The plan was simple. Twilight and I decided that it would be best if the residents of Ponyville saw me together with respected ponies, talking and laughing and whatnot. We were going to make a circuit of the town, meeting with each of Twilight's friends and moving on after a short while, answering questions as they were asked. Simple enough, right?

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, I've always heard. I was hoping to be an exception. That's what I get for hoping.

It started innocently enough. I was kind enough to give Rainbow Dash a lesson in thermodynamics and forces that confused everyone within earshot, but sounded friendly and amiable enough. She even managed to use some of my suggestions to speed herself up, though it looked bad for me when she ended up going too fast and lost control. I had to explain to the shocked onlookers more physics than most college students are trained in. Twilight rushed me off before I was able to finish.

Our next stop was Rarity's villa. On the way there I tried to explain to Twilight some of the heftier things I was telling the crowd. I was honestly quite surprised at her grasp of it. I know she's smart and all, but understanding physics without seeing it worked out is something else. But I digress: Rarity's villa. I'll admit, I grimaced when I saw it. The place was so… garish. Some of the witnesses saw my expression and visibly shuddered.

This stop went a little better. Rarity was told to keep business low that day, to facilitate the meeting. I'm not a fan of tea parties, but at least I managed not to screw it up. It was going good, until a freak show walked through the front door, throwing drama left and right. I heard something about the fashion industry before Twilight and I were thrown out the back door. That looked somewhat suspicious, and we got a few odd stares.

Pinkie Pie was next.

Pinkie Pie… I didn't much care for her at the time. Sure, she was incredibly nice and kind and all that fun stuff, but she was just too… too much. Too chipper. Too happy. Too much in love with icing.

When Twilight and I got to the bakery she works at, the lights immediately shut off. A single spotlight showed us a table with three chairs. If it had been night, I would have called this creepy. But since this was day and the windows were open, the lights being off did nothing. We were able to perfectly see Pinkie standing next to the light switches, watching us with a disturbing smile.

Twilight face-hoofed. "Pinkie, what are you doing?"

Pinkie's eyes darted left and right. When she saw us still looking at her, she covered her eyes with a hoof. A moment later she peeked out to see us still staring. I crossed my arms. "Ugh, just sit down!" Twilight and I did as she said, sitting at the table indicated.

When we looked back over to Pinkie's spot, she had disappeared. "So what's this all about?" I asked.

"I have no idea. You were supposed to show her how to bake something from your world. I guess… I guess she had something else in mind?"

I felt something tighten around my eyes and I went blind. I immediately shot a hand to the blindfold and pulled it off. Another one replaced it. I took it off. Another went up. I stood up and removed it, glaring behind me. I saw Pinkie next to a large stack of fabric that wasn't there when I sat down. "Can I help you?" I asked in a harsh voice.

"Yes! Sit down and let me blindfold you."

"That doesn't sound very enjoyable. How about we not do that?"

"Psh. Silly, that's not how it works!"

"Twilight?"

"Pinkie, what are you doing? I'm sure if you explain it, Navarone will be more willing to cooperate."

"Well, I remember him saying that he didn't like icing or cupcakes as much as muffins, so I'm planning on proving him wrong! I'm going to blindfold him and force-feed him muffins and cupcakes until he agrees that my cupcakes are better than Derpy's muffins!"

"I don't know who Derpy is, but I really don't like icing. I don't mind the actual cupcakes, as long as they don't have icing on them." I shrugged. "Too sugary for me."

Pinkie jerked back and muttered something that I swear sounded like "Blasphemy." I didn't really care, though

"So… why don't we just go with the original plan?" Twilight asked. "Navarone doesn't seem to like icing, and if he says it's too sugary, it's too sugary. We don't know what his human body and taste buds are like, Pinkie."

"Then let's test them! Now if you would just sit down and let me blindfold you, we can begin."

"I'm willing to do half of those, and that's the half that doesn't involve blinding me. You're really making this overly difficult."

"Me? I'm not the one that's making this difficult. You're the one that's refusing to let me blindfold you!"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie, don't blindfold Nav. Nav, sit down. We have a schedule to follow and if we don't follow it we'll be late. If we're late, Nav won't be able to get everywhere and if he can't get everywhere he won't be accepted!"

We both looked at her oddly. "I don't think that's how it works," Pinkie said. "If he'd just let me throw him a party all of Ponyville would meet him!"

"I'm allergic to parties, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure we could find some lotion or something!"

"Deathly allergic," I said. "As in, I would die."

"At least you would die smiling!"

"There are other ways I'd rather die, thank you."

Twilight looked a bit intrigued at that. "What does your culture have to say about death?" she asked.

"I think we can talk about that later. I'm pretty sure we still have to deal with Pinkie. So, are you going to not blindfold me?"

Pinkie looked at the piece of cloth she had in her hooves. With a sigh she let it fall. "Fine. But you're still going to try my cupcakes!"

Dammit. "Fine. I'll try a maximum of three."

She rocketed off to the kitchen as I joined Twilight at the table again. "So…" she said.

"If I end up living here, am I going to have to put up with that often?"

She sighed. "Pinkie's gonna Pinkie." I blinked. That wasn't something I expected Twilight to say.

I didn't have time to answer. Pinkie came bustling out of the kitchen, pulling a cart lined with at least fifty cupcakes.

"Okay, that would literally make me sick to eat," I said. "It's a good thing you two are sharing."

Pinkie stopped the cart at our table at set out several trays of cupcakes. Each one was unique. "Good lord. I thought we were going to be eating cupcakes, not art," I said, looking at them.

"Silly, cupcakes are art! All the more reason to like them!" She grabbed one and shoved it into her mouth.

"That was kind of horrifying," I commented. "How about you not do that again?"

"How else am I supposed to eat them?" she asked after swallowing it whole.

"Take decent sized bites? Or at the very least chew before you swallow? Or," I asked, turning to Twilight, "do ponies not need to chew?"

"Most of us do," she said. "Pinkie's just… special."

"Now when you say special—"

"Dig in, Navi!" Pinkie yelled, shoving a cupcake across the table at me.

"Hey listen, please don't call me that." I picked the cupcake up and looked it over. The top was saturated in pink icing. The rest of it looked normal. I sighed and took a bite. I almost gagged on the sugar, just barely managing to force it down. I finished this one off and swallowed with what felt like a grim finality. Pinkie was looking at me with such a hopeful expression. "No."

She blinked. "No?"

"No," I confirmed.

Her ears fell. "No…" She grabbed another cupcake and pushed it forward, her ears raising a bit.

"No. That almost made me throw up from how much sugar it had in it. I don't know how you can stand it."

"But… but…" She pulled that one back and pushed one with a tiny bit less icing forward.

"No." That process continued for a minute. I rejected six more.

"Perhaps I can help," Twilight said. She used her magic to pull a cupcake with almost no icing out and removed all of it. She passed the glob to Pinkie, who devoured it. She passed the cupcake to me.

I sighed and took it. I took a hesitant bite. "Edible, but only just. Even this has a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. Human bodies aren't meant to take too much sugar. We can easily get sick and even die from too much. I have no idea what the limit is, but I imagine eating a few more of these would put me there until my body started breaking the sugar down."

Pinkie looked depressed, now. "How can you live without being able to eat such tasty treats?"

"We get by on other things. I don't much care for sweets all that much anyway. My diet is already going to take a kick while I'm here, I shouldn't interrupt it any more than necessary."

"Well, what kinds of food did you used to eat back home?" Pinkie asked.

Now there's a conversation I can get into. I told her all about some of the better vegetarian dishes. Salsa, nachos, pizza, mushrooms, sautéed vegetables, all that good stuff. At the end of the conversation, we made nachos from stuff that was just lying around the bakery. It was pretty fucking awesome. By the time we left, I no longer considered Pinkie as annoying. In fact, that was pretty much the best showing all day. We departed on amiable terms, with her promising to look into the other things I mentioned.

The plan dictated that we visit Fluttershy next. This was the worst turn of the day: Fluttershy wasn't there. And while we knocked and knocked and waited and waited, the muttering in the small crowd of onlookers grew louder.

"The poor pony is so scared she won't even open the door!"

"Why won't they leave her alone? It's obvious she won't open that door."

And so on. It was… bad. I quietly suggested to Twilight that we move on. She hastily agreed. We later found out why Fluttershy wasn't there: an animal emergency came up and she was called away to deal with it. A justifiable excuse, but the rep I lost with the crowd made me wish the bloody animal she was called to deal with had just died.

Our last stop was Applejack, of course. The plan was for us to go to the farm, stay for a short time so I could help out or something, and then have her follow us back into town. We went to the farm. We stayed for a while, and that's where the problem was: I don't know shit about farming or harvesting plants. I've been on and helped with animal farms in the past. I've stolen eggs, shot snakes and raccoons, fed all kinds of animals. But I have never harvested any kind of plant. I pointed this flaw out to Twilight, and she just glossed over it. I told her I could help rebuild something there, or dig a well, or improve the roof, or anything like that. She mentioned the lack of tools, and I had to concede the point.

I will skip over the difficulties I had and just say that it was bad. Not as bad as the Fluttershy fiasco, but it was bad. I did get to help Rainbow Dash tear down the barn, which was fun, but without a sledgehammer my part in it was basically just telling her about structural weaknesses.

The rest of the plan went off without a hitch. The problem is, the rest of the plan was walking back.

"Light, but I could use a drink…" I muttered. It was a few days after my first excursion, and the populace was still getting used to me. It was slow going, though being seen outside and alone with Fluttershy helped tremendously. She wasn't well-known as a pony, but she was well respected as a friend of Twilight and for being the best at her job. Besides, if someone that seems so shy, reserved, and graceful could get along with something like me, obviously anyone else could as well.

"We're close to a river, if you want to stop and get something to drink," Fluttershy said softly. This pony is way too nice for her own good, I thought.

"Not what I meant. Let's just get to the objective and call it a day."

"Oh… Okay."

We walked in silence for a few moments. In the time I had been able to go outside, I had made a few observations about the environment. The first thing I noticed was how truly beautiful the entire place was. Everything was alive and vibrant. There was no smog or pollution in the air. The sun was shining, but it wasn't hot. I later learned that it was fall here at the moment.

The second thing I noticed was how all the animals seemed to get along, at least from what I was able to tell. I even saw bunnies mixing with ferrets, though I thought I sensed something underhanded going down between them. I couldn't say what, and I didn't feel like dwelling on it.

The third thing I noticed was also the most shocking and surprising: The pegasi controlled the weather. I have no idea how to explain it, but they can all move clouds and make them rain. I learned that most pegasi actually live in the clouds, as they are able to stand on clouds. When I asked Twilight about it, she seemed just as shocked to learn of conditions on Earth as I was about conditions here. She mentioned something about an everfree forest, and got an odd look on her face.

That's where we are now, by the way. Fluttershy and I were on the way to meet someone named Zecora, the zebra I mentioned before. Twilight wanted to know if Zecora had seen anything like me before, and figured it was best to let the ponies see me with Fluttershy, alone, to prove I'm harmless.

Something disturbed my reverie. I shook myself out of it and looked around. I saw that Fluttershy had stopped, and was for some reason cowering and whimpering on the ground. I had no idea why, until I turned around and saw a chicken approaching us. Then I saw its body, and froze. What the hell?

"C-c-c-cockatrice!" Fluttershy moaned.

"Cockatrice? Isn't that one of them critters that turns you to stone?" At her barely perceptible nod, I raised an eyebrow. "Want me to kill it? Doesn't seem that hard, as long as I don't look it in the eye."

She gave me the dirtiest look I could imagine coming from something as shy as she is.

"Hey, I'm just asking. You're the one cowering before it. We could easily just sort of, I don't know, close our eyes and skirt around it. Or you could use your animal taming powers and turn it into a friend."

"The last time I encountered a cockatrice, I was only able to beat it because it was threatening my friends!" Well geez, that shows what you think of me…

"Fine, we can turn back if you want. You can explain to Twilight why, though. Still say you should just let me stab it…"

One night, after another attempt to get the ponies acclimatized to me, Twilight started asking questions about Earth.

"What kind of place is your world?" was the first thing she asked.

I sighed and thought of an answer that wouldn't offend her delicate pony sensibilities. "That is a hard question to answer. I will tell you what I have told you before, as a bit of a disclaimer: I am not a normal human, in many ways. Earth… it's full of stupid people. Individually, humans are mostly decent beings, and can think well. Put them in a group and they lose both decency and the ability to think. Sadly, the world I left was designed by groups, for groups. There are decent people and there are bad people. Personally, I've always been of the opinion that the good and evil are balanced, in a way. And it can be seen in many ways. For example, I am a moral relativist. I believe that there is no definite right or wrong, and that the concepts only exist as they are viewed by individuals. One person may find stealing morally wrong, while another may find it justified, since they were able to take something another person was unable to protect. Who am I, after all, to declare one approach unilaterally wrong? I may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. Of course, the world is filled with people that don't agree with that idea, and as such groups form around those that think alike and they often persecute those that think differently. Countries are formed, borders are drawn, and people do their best to stick together with those that agree with them. It usually works fine. Sometimes it doesn't, and then war happens…"

"Different countries? War? Your people are not united?" I could tell it was a concept she found hard to grasp.

"Not even close. Half the world hates the other half, and no one trusts each other. There's a reason I don't hate you for stealing me away. We don't have your equivalent of Princess Celestia. Where I came from, we didn't even have a monarch. We elected our leaders. It's a good system, when your population is decently educated."

"What do you do for common protection, then? How do you deal with monsters?"

"We conquered nature a long time ago, lass. There are still a few events of animals attacking humans, but it's rare. We are more naturally violent that ponies are, it seems, and we defend ourselves better. What is more dangerous to us are the monsters inside of us. When we ran out of real dangers, we started inventing them. People are easily misled, and can be fooled into thinking something is a threat that really isn't. With the invention of TV, this was made super easy."

"What is TV? A mind control device?"

I smiled at that. "In a way, yes. It's a bit of technology that puts moving images on a screen, and sound comes out speakers on the side. There are several different things you can watch on it. Evil invention, though sadly necessary. People use them for information or entertainment."

"What was your place in the world?"

"I was a student, still. I was almost at the end of my education. I'm eighteen in human years. I don't know what that translates to in pony years. Basically, I was still learning."

"You seem very intelligent for somepony still learning. How can you say people are so stupid when you are still learning and yet know so much?"

"There are a lot of problems with those assertions. First, I was almost done with school. I was on the last three months of the last year of the main education system. Second, I went to a school designed to push those who are smarter than most others. We learned a hell of a lot more there than most people do. Third, I am not even close to normal, in a lot of ways. My mind works very differently than that of many people, which is probably why your summon spell stole me instead of someone else. Fourth, I only seem intelligent because you likely have no idea what half of what I say is about. I am merely a layman in most subjects, with very little real training. Basically, what I know only scratches the surface of what there is to know."

"Sometimes you seem almost a braggart, and sometimes you sell yourself short. I can't get a fix on you."

"What can I say? I'm the most humble man on the planet." It came out before I could think about it, but when I did I realized it was quite literally true. I sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"Humans have a pretty good life span. I'm going to be alone among ponies for a very long time. Every time I think I'm resigned to it, another thing goes off in my mind that I'll miss. No more internet, no more books, no more music, no chance of love or raising a family or finding a mate, and from the state of affairs with the other ponies, there's a good chance I'll remain forever a pariah. C'est la vie…"

I could see that she was crestfallen. I keep forgetting it was her fault that I'm here, even if I don't blame her for it. I tried to make up for what I said. "At least I ended up in a realm where most of the residents aren't trying to kill me. All the ponies I've run into have been rather kind, even if they are dismissive or fearful of me. If I had to be stranded anywhere, this is probably the best place for it. I have to admit, it will be a struggle to hide my more violent side. At least I know I have a good cause to, as I am the sole representative of my species on the planet."

The next day, I had a meeting with Applejack to discuss farming methods and uses of different crops.

"I will tell you straight up, I am not much of a farmer. Most of the work I ever did on a farm was helping to feed animals and baling hay. What little I know is learned from books or general education," I told her.

"That's okay. We're here more for show anyway. Just tell me what you can and maybe it'll be useful, maybe not."

"Okay… I don't suppose you'd need to know about pesticides. Those are poisons we use on crops to kill off any kind of pests. They're both good and bad, as they can cause a lot of harm to the environment, but they do kill most bugs. I don't suggest them, not with the system you have set up. I haven't seen your entire farm, but irrigation might be an option. It's where you dig small canals throughout your farm so getting water here and there is easier. Not a necessity, but it can be really useful on a huge farm."

"Irrigation, huh? Might have to keep that one in mind. MacIntosh has to spend whole days hauling water, sometimes."

"I'm sure you probably know just about every way to cook apples there are. Do you know about apple cider, apple brandy, or apple jack?"

"We know all about cider there is. And I know my name is Applejack, but I don't know about any products called that, though…"

"I refuse to be the one that brings alcohol to Ponyland."

"Well shoot, now you got me curious. What's alcohol?"

"A mind altering substance that can make you feel either good or bad, depending on your mood. It causes all manner of problems where I come from, so I'm not going to be introducing it here. I don't know how well ponies would take that stuff anyway. You'd probably need enough to drown a horse to get you drunk. No pun intended, of course. Though it would give me a chance to use a few jokes... So a pony walks into a bar... Eh, nah."

"Sounds like it might be okay for a few special occasions. I don't know what could be so bad about it."

"Remember, I'm talking about human use. We're unpredictable at the best of times. Imagine how we would be if you gave us something that altered us in unexpected ways. Some people are harmless drunks. Some people aren't. I'm not going to find out what it would do to ponies, unless I make it myself and give it to one of you just as a test. Thinking about it, that might be a great prank to pull on Rainbow Dash…"

"I do owe her a big one for that last doozy she gave me. If it'll help get her back, I'll get you some apples."

"This seems like a mean idea, but a fun one. I'm in, if you won't tell anyone it was me that did it. It'll take a month to brew something worth drinking, though. I suppose Twilight probably has everything else I need in her lab. What season is it?"

"It's almost fall, right now. Why? Does it cook better in a warmer season or something?"

"Colder, actually. You have to deep freeze it for a while. I might show you how to make it, if you swear you'll only do it after we test it, and then only for family celebrations. I don't want anyone to know that I let this leak, if it turns out bad."

"You have my word, of course. If it's as bad as you say, maybe we shouldn't test it at all…"

"I don't think a single test would hurt too bad, as long as we take precautions. We'll have to make sure she can't fly, and that she stays safe until it wears off. She'll probably have a blistering headache when she wakes up…"

"This is sounding better and better!"

"We'll see. It's a relatively complicated formula. I hope Twilight has everything in her lab."

We spent a few more minutes discussing boring farm crap. I was able to remember a bit more than I thought, though I honestly doubt most of it was helpful.

Later that day, I asked to check Twilight's lab.

"Why do you need to go down there?" she asked.

"Just a project I might be working on with Applejack, should you have the right supplies. An experiment of sorts, you could say," I told her. I figured if the word experiment didn't get her, nothing would.

"If you're planning it with Applejack, where is she?"

"Getting some other supplies, of course. I didn't figure you'd keep a load of apples down there."

"Well, okay. I don't see what harm you could possibly do with an experiment about apples…" With that, she led me down to the lab and helped me look for what I needed.

When she heard my list, she looked at me incredulously. "What kind of experiment did you say this was, again?"

"A surprise experiment. You have Applejack's word that it won't come to much or any harm." She shook her head, but said nothing.

The day after, Applejack showed up with the apples. We started the brew, after my counseling that I had never actually done this before, only read about it. I told her what would happen, and how it should go. It took a while to get it set up, and when we finally got it she went on her way with a smug little smile. I knew better than to ask.

Another talk I had with Twilight was about the economy of Equestria. I had noticed that occasionally ponies used coins, while occasionally everything they got was free.

"Well, all ponies have a special talent of some sort, and they all have a place in the world. All pegasi can manipulate weather, for example. Since they are so often called upon to fix the weather in some way or another, they get most of their services about town for free. As long as no pony abuses the system, it works well enough. The pegasi are paid for their weather services by getting mostly free services. Other ponies that have less applicable skills either pay with services directly, in the form of a service for a service, or trade produced goods for something. If they can't do that, they pay in bits. This works in most small towns, but in a bigger city like Canterlot, goods are usually paid for in bits anyway."

"So you have a barter system with vestiges of capitalism. It says a lot about your species that this works. It was used for a while where I came from, but eventually raw capitalism took over, and everything was paid for in our version of bits."

"Your version of bits? What did you use instead?"

"This is going to sound odd, so let me explain before you laugh. We used paper. I know, I know, it's an odd concept. The idea behind it is ingenious, though. The paper was specially printed by the government as a promise that it is worth its weight in gold. I can't imagine a concept like that working in a world like this one, but where I came from, the entire economy was market based, and entire careers were built off nothing but the manipulation of money from one area to another. That would be impossible using gold or goods. Something else was needed, and so paper money was printed as a promise. In later years, most of the flow of money was completely digital, or controlled by computers. It was, in effect, completely imaginary. In practice, though, lives were broken and created through sheer movement of numbers from one screen to another."

"Your species is insane."

"It works if your population is large enough and advanced enough technologically. But yeah, I can see how you can think that. I never much understood it myself…"

Chapter Two—Making booze and a chance meeting

I feel the need to push this entry forward a month, since it fits with what I was writing about earlier. This is, of course, the night Applejack and I got Rainbow Dash drunk.

Admittedly, I could have easily ended the distillation process in a day rather than a month. I could have done that, and risked poisoning our subject. As I said, this was my first time making booze. I would rather give myself a little bit of leeway should anything go wrong. And while I won't say I didn't test some of the brew myself, you can't prove anything anyway so shut up.

We decided to do it at the farm, as there would be fewer witnesses that way. Plus, Twilight wouldn't yell at us for being grossly irresponsible.

"Are you sure you want me to do this? This was Applejack's idea; why can't she test it?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Because, lass, this is an experiment. And she's helping me run it. It wouldn't do for a scientist to test a product on himself and then expect to be able to properly study the effects," I explained.

"Well, why is she helping you with this thing? I thought Twilight was the brainiac one!" she retorted.

"Because it's my apples he's using for the formula! It's also my apples that'll be making any more of this stuff, if we decide it's okay after you try it. So shut up and try it!"

"Now, a few disclaimers before we start. First, do not try to fly if you do get drunk. I cannot stress this enough. Do not fly! I don't know how this will affect you. I will tie your wings to your body if you start trying to fly. Second, I don't know how much of this it'll take you make you drunk. So we'll go with P for plenty. Third, if you need to, aim for the bucket. Fourth, don't blame me when you wake up."

"Wait, what were those last two?" she asked.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get started!" I passed her the first bucket of apple jack and she hesitantly started drinking.

"Hey, this isn't that bad!" With that, she started at it with a bit more gusto. The first bucket quickly emptied and I passed her the second one. "It's got a bit of a kick to it, though." She shuddered for a moment before starting on the second. She finished it and started on the third.

"Okay, after this one, I want you to try walking around." She was putting this stuff down. I was hoping I'd have enough left over for a personal stash, but at this rate I might not.

She finished it and sighed. I took the bucket. She took a step and immediately fell on her ass.

"So it turns out ponies can get drunk. Two buckets were probably enough… Interesting."

While I was noting my results and Applejack was laughing, Rainbow Dash was struggling to get up. "I mushta tripped on shometin'. Stupid farm." This was punctuated with another attempt at walking that somehow flipped her on her back.

"Slurred speech, trouble walking, impaired thinking… Well Applejack, we got Rainbow Dash drunk. Very drunk."

"What happens if she tries to fly? Think she might get hurt?"

"If she tried to fly, the moniker Rainbow Crash would be very appropriate. As to her getting hurt? Well, I think she has bones of steel. You and I have both seen her make crash landings that would kill a human, and she just shrugs them off." Titanium might be more appropriate, with the speed she flies.

"Well, what can we really do to her in this state? Admittedly it is funny watching her stumble about and fall, but we get to see her do those every day."

"Well, another stickling point about alcohol is that it supposedly lowers inhibitions. A lot. If you have any male ponies you want to play a great prank on, we could sic Rainbow Dash on them now and she might try to flirt with them. We just have to be ready to step in, in case it gets out of hand. Or we could play truth or dare with her to get her to do something funny or stupid or get some secrets out of her. As drunk as she is, it is improbable that she'll remember much in the morning."

"Yer saying she won't remember any of this?" she asked with a gleam in her eye.

"She probably won't remember any of this."

"Keep her here. Imma go get Big Macintosh! This is gonna be great!"

I feel that I should at this time point out that, despite my mandate, Rainbow Dash was trying to fly. I emphasize trying. I was watching her with some interest during the previous conversation, and noticed, much to my amusement, that she couldn't flap her wings in unison. When Applejack left, I walked up to her.

"H-how are you flying? You don't have any wings!" she yelled at me, perhaps thinking a rustling wind would otherwise steal her words.

"Special human trick," I winked. "Don't tell the others. It's my trump card." I love playing with drunk people. "I know you're probably not vey lucid right now, but how are you feeling?" I asked her, ready to write down a response.

"How am I feeling?" she slurred. "I'm the greatest flier ever, and I'm going full speed through the skies! How do you think I feel? It's amazing!" Subject feels elation and is having delusions. Interesting…

Our conversation continued much the same, until Applejack came back leading a large red stallion. I'm neither gay nor into bestiality, so I can't tell you if he was handsome or not. I did know, however, that as boozed up as she was I honestly don't think it would matter to Rainbow Dash.

"Did Applejack tell you why we needed you?" I asked him.

"Nope," he replied.

"Hm. Applejack, would you kindly go entertain Rainbow Dash for a sec? I'll explain the experiment to him."

"He don't need to know nothing to do this, other than that he needs to go flirt with her!" she retorted.

"Wh—" Macintosh started.

"Humor me, please. I really should tell him what's going on," I told her. She acquiesced with a few grumbles, but she finally went to occupy Rainbow Dash's interest.

Big Macintosh just looked at me. I guess he doesn't talk much.

"I'm testing a human drug on her. Basically, it lowers her inhibitions so she'll do things she wouldn't normally do. It's only temporary, so I would like to test the effects while I still can. We've tested a few things already, but we haven't tested her social inhibitions. Which is where you come in. If you could do some casual flirting and see how far you can get her, that would be a big help. She probably won't remember anything tomorrow, and if she does we'll just tell her it was part of the experiment."

"You want me to take advantage of her?" Longest sentence out of him yet.

"Don't worry about that. Applejack and I will be watching the entire time. We'll step in if things go too far, or don't appear to be going at all. If you don't trust me, you should be able to trust your sister."

He sighed and shrugged. "Okay."

"Great! Oh, and do try to make sure she doesn't either manage to fly or try to run off. Now, go tell your sister to come back, and start up a conversation. Do whatever it is that male ponies do to attract female ponies." He looked at me dubiously, but did as I asked.

When Applejack got back, I could see that she was trying hard not to laugh. "Oh, this is gonna be great!"

"Remember, not a word to the others. I sure as hell don't want to get in trouble for this. If anything goes bad, we blame Spike and hope we get off scot free."

"Why Spike?"

"Because I had his help making the brew. Long story. He doesn't know what plan we had for it, but he does know what it does. He almost blew half the lab up, with us in it, before I managed to get his mouth shut…"

We made more casual small talk as we watched Big Macintosh work his manly magic. Sadly, we were too far off to hear what they were saying, but we could see their reactions. Eventually our talk tapered off as we just watched in a bit of amazement. Macintosh was obviously uncomfortable, but it didn't look like Rainbow Dash noticed much. We could hear the too-loud drunken laughter from where we were.

"I'm willing to take that as a sign the experiment was a success. Think we should call it off now, before we risk it going too far?" I asked her.

"Naw, not yet. Big Macintosh… he doesn't get into town much, doesn't have much practice with the mares. This might give him some confidence."

"What works on a drunken Rainbow Dash probably won't work on most mares, but if you think it'll help, we can wait and see. I will cut it off if I think it's going too far."

As it turns out, I didn't have to. Big Macintosh did it himself, motioning us forward. We met him halfway.

"That was… interesting. Don't ask me to do it again." He was a very big pony. One I didn't like the idea of screwing with.

"Don't worry. I have no plans to make more of the drug. It is dangerous if not controlled." I looked pointedly at Applejack as I said that last bit. "How did your… conversation… go?"

"You were right about her inhibitions being lowered. You were wrong about needing a stallion." With that, he walked away. Well, there's another suspicion confirmed.

I looked at Applejack. "Not a word to anyone. Let's hope she doesn't remember this…"

I didn't hear her reply, as I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash stumble forward and not get up. Apparently, she finally passed out. I ran up to check on her, making sure her head wasn't facing up.

"What's wrong with her?" Applejack yelled, trotting up.

"She just passed out. That's a common side effect of too much alcohol. She should wake up in the morning with a splitting headache. I don't know if horses can throw up, but if you can she probably will. She'll need several buckets of water, too. If you have either an empty bed or an empty hay stack in the barn I can stay the night and make sure she's fine in the morning."

"Do you wanna just… leave her here? That seems a bit dangerous."

"If you want to move her anywhere, we'll have to drag her. I'm not strong enough to lift up a bloody pony. Though she would probably recuperate better without the sun in her eyes when she wakes up."

"Maybe I wasn't clear. Wherever she sleeps is where we'll be sleeping."

I sighed.

We dragged her into the house.

I fear it is time for a small, personal, intermission. You see, I discovered near the end of my first week in pony land another reason for my massive sleep deprivation. Or rather, rediscovered.

I have terrible, terrible dreams. The nightmares, you see, I can deal with. No, the nightmares weren't really the problem.

Most of my dreams were happy. They were so sweet that I couldn't bear to wake up for fear of losing them. Every night I would have beautiful dreams. Every day I would wake up, losing a part of myself in the lost happiness. I became dead to the world, doing everything I could to just remember fragments, memories of a world where I didn't have such a crushing weight on me.

So I decided to get as little sleep as I could. I had read—of course I had read, what else would I be doing with my time?—that going to sleep completely exhausted would mean few to no dreams. I killed the dreams, I saved my mind, but at the cost of my body.

By the time I was pulled into Equestria, I had been so long without the dreams I had forgotten them. It wasn't until my sleep schedule started to readapt that I started to dream again. When they first started, I figured they couldn't harm me anymore, as I was in what appeared to be a world carved of raw happiness.

God, how wrong I was. Soon the dreams became tantalizing glimpses of home: technology, people, family, friends, girls I had known… The girls were the worst.

The first night I found myself haunted by the dream of a girl I once thought I loved, I discovered a newfound interest in the history of magic in Equestria. It was the first book I found in the library, and it served well enough as a tool for forgetting.

Spike was the first one up. As soon as he saw me sitting near a window, squinting to read in the weak light, he asked, "Why are you up this early? Usually you sleep in late."

"Hiding from the dreams… They can't find me if I'm not asleep."

"You're scared of some bad dreams?"

"You forget how bad my world is, lad."

"You never did tell me much about your world. I asked you once, and you started saying something weird about economies and politics and something or another…"

"You are young, yet. I suppose I could tell you some stories, though. It is not all bad." I put the book down and told him the good of our world. I painted him a picture of a technological wonderland, of cities that never sleep, of medical marvels that can sometimes bring the dead back to life, of love, of unparalleled knowledge, of airplanes that flew the skies and submarines that plunged into the depths, of the connection of the entire world through the beautiful and terrible collective called the internet, of landscapes so serene you could sit for hours and hear nothing but the sweet call of birds, of the system of democracy, of freedom of choice. I talked to Spike as the sun slowly peeked through the clouds. I was so lost in my words that I didn't even notice a sleepy-eyed Twilight joining us, listening to my tale with muted wonder.

I finished with this: "When I said I was hiding from my dreams, Spike, I didn't mean nightmares. There was just as much beauty in my world as there was terror. When I dream, I see not the terror of the world I left, but the beauty I lost. I fear I will become more and more a night person as I struggle to deal with the memories I have…"

At her touch, I finally noticed Twilight. I could look into her eyes and read her thoughts, but that didn't stop her from voicing them: "I've already apologized as much as I can, Navarone. Princess Celestia and I have both been thinking of ways to send you back. However, there appears to be nothing at all we can do… I want you to know that we're all here for you, though. You can tell us anything."

I nodded and sat back, feeling more tired than ever.

But I digress enough. That little intermission was just a way to explain why I found myself pacing around Applejack's farm late at night. It was a typical fall night, and colder than an ex-wife's heart, but it was much preferable to trying to fight sleep in the warm house. I was cresting a hill, wondering when I could put my fear of the past behind me, when I heard a slight whooshing sound, and a louder crunch of cold dirt behind me.

Without turning, I said, "Nice night. Bit cold, though. Way too cold to be flying, I'd say."

A small silence, what I was guessing as shock. Then, deciding to play my game, a youngish and feminine voice replied, "Aye, 'tis a bit cold. Though the beautiful night makes the flight worth it…"

"Shame we have a new moon. I would love to see this area in its light."

"We don't know about that. The stars are light enough, and there are many activities one could hide in the dim light of a new moon." We?

"My lady, I am no thief, unless you find yourself wanting a heart stolen."

"Oh? We see thou walking away from a farmhouse near a forest of evil, late at night, a night we might add that is darker from a new moon. Thou art also a creature of a like we have never seen before, which is saying something. Thou may not be a thief, but thou do appear to be fleeing. What dark scene will we see if we return to the house thou left behind?"

I turned at this, thinking her insulting me. I could see nothing of her but a silhouette, however. A silhouette and a gleaming smile. She appeared to be a dark pegasus. When she shifted her head, however, I saw a glimmer of a horn and gasped. I am rarely speechless, but I have to admit I was incredibly surprised at this one.

"Don't worry, Navarone. Our sister told us about thou. We know what thou art."

I mumbled something, still surprised.

"Everypony we've met seems to have the same reaction to us. Are we so terrifying?"

"Surprising is more like it," I finally managed to say. "I wasn't expecting to find one of the princesses of the realm out in the middle of an orchard late at night. Alone, at that."

"We are hardly alone, Navarone. We just left our escort back a ways, since they seem so often to drive ponies away in fear. We don't know why… We are their princess! They should trust us!" she finished in a booming voice, making me wince.

"Well, it might have something to do with the loud voice, or your use of 'we' instead of 'I.' I don't know how fashions go, here, but I don't imagine such things are still terribly popular."

"Tradition demands it!" she continued in her booming voice. "The only reason we stooped to thy casual speak is because thou initiated it."

"Traditions change. Why stick to an outdated system when it makes your subjects uncomfortable?"

"Why should we be forced to change to their desires? We art royalty!"

I hope Equestria doesn't have executioners… "Because you can force obedience, but not love or loyalty. You can make your people obey you, but you can't make them love you. Forcing them to adapt to traditions older than any of their memories will not endear them to you."

She stood to her tallest height, which put her head a few inches over mine. Enough for her to think she had some manner of intimidation effect, I suppose; the only thing I was afraid of was her magic, or perhaps her ability to order me killed. "Thou art insolent! Disrespectful! And…" she said, lowering her head a bit and dropping the booming effect, "correct, we fear. We—I—have visited a few small townships, here and there. Usually late at night, and during festivals or some such. They flee at the sight of us—my escort and I, in this case."

"You also have to remember that until a few months ago, you were sort of their biggest boogeyman. No matter how hard you try, most ponies will take some manner of time to get used to you."

"And yet th—you—seem fine with us—me. Dost thine heart hold no fear?"

"Not hardly. I just wasn't around when you were to be feared. As far as I'm concerned, you were always Princess Luna. Though I do have to admit, I am very honestly surprised to see you. What would bring you here, now?"

"We—I, sorry—travel the countryside, looking for anypony awake at this hour. 'Twas just happenstance that found us together this night."

"You'd probably be better off searching cities for anyone still awake. Some cities back in my world never sleep."

"I tried… It didn't turn out well. Cities may not sleep, but they are not suited for those of us that have been away from everything for a thousand years. At least, not yet."

"Things aren't going to revert any time soon, lass." Her eyes flared when I called her lass. She would be the first one I've spoken to that knew the term, if she did. I kept going, though. "If you don't learn to accept new things, you'll never find any friends, and having fun will be nigh impossible."

Her eyes looked confused for a second. "Fun? What is this fun?"

"You don't… Huh. Have you ever played a game or performed in some manner of competition?"

She shook her head. "Such is not for royalty, Navarone. What if we were to lose?"

"Fun comes from the risk of loss or failure. Winning is all well and good, but what's the point of even trying if you already know you'll come out on top? I understand that a princess isn't supposed to be inferior than a subject at anything, but the truth of the matter is that you'll never be the best at everything."

She paused for a moment. "Tell me more about this… fun."

"Uh… Well, take the prank a friend and I just pulled on another friend. Got her drunk off her ass. She was doing all manner of funny things: Flapping her wings out of sync, falling on her face every time she tried to walk, slurring her speech and falling for anything you told her. She told us some interesting things she didn't want anyone to know. Some might consider it mean, but after some of her pranks it's fair to say she deserves a big doozy to get back at her. It's all in good fun."

"I don't know why a pony was riding a donkey, but none of what you said really sounds that… enjoyable."

I waved my hand. "It's situational. You wouldn't know Rainbow Dash, so it doesn't make as much sense. That's the only real story I have from this world; I've been trapped in a bloody library for most of a month, since so few of the bloody ponies trust me."

"We—Celestia and I—could give out a royal edict declaring you to be safe. You are safe, correct?"

"I see no reason to hurt someone if they haven't done anything to me. Nothing to gain from it. But no, keep your edicts. I might be able to walk freely around town, but that won't mean I won't be looked at crosswise. If they can't learn to trust me themselves, no amount of royalty will ever change their minds."

She snorted. "Things have changed. I was never as loved as Celestia, but nor was I ever this feared. And if ponies can't even trust royal announcements, what can they trust?"

"They can trust friends. If you were to get to know some of your people, they would likely trust you more."

She opened up with her booming voice again, "They always flee before they can know us! How can we make friends if they do not meet us halfway?"

I can practically feel the headsman's axe. "You are hardly meeting them halfway, with that voice. Just being there isn't enough. You have to participate, mingle. Stopping with that mind shattering voice might help, as I have already said. No one likes being yelled at. You say you go to festivals and the like. Go to one of those and ask—politely—if you can play some games or something. Hell, I think there's some manner of festival going on in Ponyville in a few weeks. I'm sure no one would mind if you showed up, as long as you honestly tried to meet them halfway."

She dropped the booming. "And what, pray tell, would that include?"

"No yelling. Try not to use archaic grammar or the royal we. Act like a person trying to make friends rather than a princess."

"And how does a… person go about making friends?"

"Bugger all if I know. I just sort of fell into most of mine. If you met me outside of town, I could bring Twilight or one of the other relatively normal ponies to meet you. You'll receive a much better hearing if you're in their company."

"Tell me about this festival."

I shrugged. "I don't know much about it. From what I've heard, it's analogous to my people's Halloween. That means there will be costumes and candy and 'scary' stuff. I was planning on spending all night with Rainbow Dash, pulling pranks and scaring the shit out of people, but helping you seems like a more noble cause."

She gave me a somewhat stern and very womanly look for that. I shrugged. "Tell me where to meet you, then, Navarone. I will learn more about this festival, and we might meet you when the sun sets."

The only landmark outside of town that I really knew very well was Fluttershy's humble home. I told her where it was. "The pony that lives there is… well, 'coward' doesn't begin to cover it. If you can befriend her, you can befriend anyone. We used her to prove to the ponies in town that I'm not a monster. That helped a lot, but it wasn't enough to fully gain their trust."

"And this pony, she will give me a fair chance?"

"She gave me one, and I look a lot more like a villain than you do. I'll warn her you're coming, so it shouldn't be much of a shock."

"Where can I find you if I wish to discuss this ahead of time?"

"I don't sleep all that well; there's a better than even chance I'll be sitting in Twilight's library, reading some manner of book. It's the large tree near the middle of Ponyville. You are welcome to come by any time, as far as I'm concerned. We might have to go on a walk, though, to avoid waking Twilight or Spike up."

"We are more comfortable with the open sky above our head." She flinched, realizing what she had said. "This will take some getting used to."

"As long as you are making an effort to change, I'm sure most ponies will be fine. Some might be confused, but whatever."

"What do you have in mind for if this plot fails? Or makes things worse?"

"I'll figure something out. I'm good at dealing with chaos. Or if I can't do it, I'm sure Twilight can. Her plans are generally too meticulous to fail, as long as she has time enough in which to execute it properly."

"I will take your assurance on this matter, then, Navarone. Until we meet again." She spread her wings wide and jumped straight into the air. Another thing we need to work on: Her stuffiness.

The rest of that night passed mostly uneventfully, with the exception of nearly twisting my ankles in some of the ruts worked into the farmland.

Morning found me curled up in the guest bed Applejack designated for me. When I asked her about the shitload of rooms she had, she mentioned something about harvest. We were busy lugging an unconscious pegasus at the time, so I wasn't really paying much attention. Knowing how that girl feels about her apples and her trees, she probably stores the apples in those rooms and puts them to bed during harvest. Why else she would need such a large farmhouse for four ponies is beyond me.

Knowing nothing about the house other than the way in and out, I just laid back and waited. With my luck I would have wound up in someone else's room, or seeing something I shouldn't see. I don't know, a sacrificial altar to the apple gods or something. I heard someone bustling about below. It was a farmhouse, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that people were up early.

Now, what did surprise me was an assault by a blur of yellow that coalesced into a small pony called Applebloom. This was Applejack's little sister, a small lass always looking for a way to get her Cutie Mark, which is a tattoo ponies get on their ass that marks their lot in life. Sounds too confining to me, and I've brought that up, but no one else seems to think so.

I had met her a few times before, and each time she seemed to be trying some new harebrained scheme with two friends. Tried dragging me in once… They relented when I told them they were too small to be Amazon warrior ponies.

"Get up, sleepy head!" she yelled at me, pouncing on my bed.

"I am awake, pipsqueak. Who else is awake? I heard someone else moving around."

"I ain't gonna tell you. You gotta tell me what you did to Rainbow Dash, first. She isn't awake yet, but she looks awful…"

"Rainbow Dash helped us with an experiment. I don't suggest being around when she wakes up. It will be… unpleasant."

"What did you do to her?"

"Ask your sister. If she thinks you should know, she'll tell you. As it stands, I don't. I will tell you this, though: Don't look to get your cutie mark that way, since that was a single run experiment. We won't be doing it again."

"Awww… You old ponies take all the fun out of everything!" Not quite a pony, but whatever.

"If you knew some of the things I considered fun, you wouldn't be so sad about that. Anyway, who else is awake?"

"Just Big Macintosh and me, so far. And you, I guess. Applejack is usually awake by now, I don't know why she's still asleep."

"Let her sleep, I say. I'll probably wander off to Rainbow Dash's room in a bit. She'll wake up feeling terrible, disoriented, and confused, which is not a good combination for someone like her that can fly."

"Don't you want breakfast? I helped make it!"

Remembering stories I had heard about her, I somewhat ungraciously declined. "Religious reasons. Can't eat this early in the morning."

"What's… religious?"

"…Never mind."

A few hours later found Applejack and me in front of a finally stirring Rainbow Dash.

"Remember, talk quietly. She'll probably hurt enough," I whispered. Applejack nodded.

Rainbow Dash groaned, tried to open her eyes, saw the glare of the sun, and immediately forced them shut. She croaked, "What… what happened? Everything hurts…"

"Mornin', sunshine!" Applejack boomed. Rainbow Dash winced and I glared at Applejack. She just smiled and whispered, "Couldn't help it…"

"Anyway," I said quietly, "the experiment was a success. And we'll never do that again. We'll talk about it later after you feel a bit better. We've arranged some things that'll help you. Namely, a few empty buckets and some buckets of water. Drink all the water you can hold, then drink some more. Come down when you stop feeling like death. Until then, call if you need anything."

"Yeah, we'll send Big Macintosh to help you…" Applejack teased.

"Why would you send him? This whole mess is your fault," Rainbow Dash replied.

"So she doesn't remember! This will be fun!" Applejack said.

"Don't remember what?" Rainbow Dash groaned.

Before Applejack could respond, I said, "Rainbow Dash, recuperate. Stop talking unless it's important. And do your best not to think, as that will make it hurt worse. The water will help." Applejack and I stepped out.

"Wait, remember what? What did I—" That last was cut off by a closing door.

"That was mean," I said.

"Maybe, but it was also funny!"

"You raise a good point."

After another awkward wait, spent with both of us being pestered by Applebloom, Rainbow Dash tenderly extricated herself from her room.

The first thing she said: "Never. Again." The second thing she said: "Seriously. Never again." The third: "Now, what happened? I don't remember anything after getting to the farm."

"Nothing much," I told her. "We tested your ability to talk and to think rationally, we let Macintosh flirt with you, we let you try to fly, and we let you try to walk. You weren't able to fly or walk, and your attempts were very humorous. Your speech was slurred, and your mind wandered a lot."

"Wait, what was that second one?" she asked.

"We let you try to fly. Your head is still probably fuzzy. I'm certain it hurts."

"I don't think that's what you said… Did you really let—"

"And now you're being paranoid. Applejack, mark it down as another symptom, would you?" She pretended to write something down, which is interesting, as she has no thumbs. Or paper. Or a pencil…

Rainbow Dash gave us the oddest look I've ever seen. I swear she thought we were retarded at that point. We both looked back as innocently as we could.

"…So when can I leave?" she asked.

"If you really feel up to flying, you can leave whenever. Just be careful. The bright light will be painful and disorienting at first. Thanks for your help."

"You're not welcome. I don't know why you had to have me for this experiment!"

"We had to have you because Twilight or Rarity would be too dangerous with their magic, Fluttershy would be too afraid to take the risk, and Pinkie Pie would be very, very, very scary if she got drunk. I've heard your stories about her manic depressive states. Alcohol could seriously unbalance her."

"Then you better not be making any more of this stuff, especially if it's as popular at parties as you say."

"Don't worry. I have no intentions of making more."

"Good. I'll see you both later." With that, she walked out and very unsteadily took off.

"I feel like we should feel guilty for this," I said.

"Nah. She wasn't permanently hurt."

"We did sort of accidentally make her reveal a secret she didn't want to."

"Yeah, but it's a useful secret to know."

"For you, maybe. I left most of my scheming behind me back on Earth. I have no intention to get back into that game." Not entirely true, but I really didn't feel like using anything against Rainbow Dash. It wasn't my business to do so. We parted company soon after. I didn't mention Luna's visit to her.

Nothing much really happened in the month preceding this. The ponies got used to seeing me around, and stopped flinching when I made sudden movements. Twilight started to let me out alone. God, that makes me sound like a pet… But it's the truth. The ponies were afraid of me. Those that never talked to me, at least. After the lesson about Zecora, a lot of them seemed ready to talk, if not necessarily willing.

Spike's birthday was a small high point, but I'm not much a fan of parties like that. He almost had a fit when I told him to stop being a greedy bugger and dragged him away from trying to steal a ball as a 'gift,' but he got over it.

I also taught Pinkie all manner of human vegetarian recipes. I wasn't able to remember most of them perfectly, and I wasn't exactly a chef to begin with, but she was able to recreate all kinds of good stuff just from what I was able to remember. Enough that she was able to convince her employers—a husband and wife with the last name Cake—to offer them on the side instead of just having desserts. I don't think they got very popular, but a lot of them did have a niche crowd that were willing to try new things.

Upon learning about my experiment, if not all the results, Twilight was not overly pleased. She knew, of course, that I was planning something, but she did not know what and against whom.

"She could have been hurt!"

"Yes, she could have. However, even your experiments with magic run a risk of hurting someone. Unlikely, of course, but possible. I have heard stories, back where I came from, of people getting horses drunk. I must admit, the truth of it was a lot funnier than the stories were. Though maybe that's just because my experiment was on a sentient being…"

"This isn't a joke, you know! She could have been hurt!"

"You already said that, and I already admitted to you being correct. Done is done, though. And at least now I know where I won't be starting a life in this new world. Not like you ponies need booze anyway. I can't imagine many of you having terrible things in your past you want to forget."

"That doesn't mean it's okay."

"I know. I stand by it. I'm more interested in what happened after, anyway."

"Oh? And what could have been interesting enough to take your mind off a 'valuable experiment'?"

"Oh, Rainbow Dash had already passed out by then. I was walking around the fields when Princess Luna dropped by and started talking to me."

"Princess Luna!? What was she doing out there?"

"Looking for someone to talk to. She thought I was one of her subjects. Which I guess, in a way, I am now. Anyway, we got to talking. She's very lonely, apparently. I invited her here to talk to me, if she's ever in the neighborhood and I'm still awake. I also invited her to the festival coming up in a few weeks. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't know… The last time I had dealings with her was when she was evil and trying to press eternal darkness on the land."

"Then it sounds to me like you could do with talking to her, as well. She sounded lonely when I was talking to her. The poor girl wants friends, and her past mistakes have alienated her from the entire pony community, aside from her sister. I wasn't around when that event thing happened, so I can honestly talk to her with no feeling of fear or residual mistrust. She needs some way to make friends and meet her subjects. I figured this party thing would be a decent way to do that. We might have to help her a bit, though. Her speech patterns haven't changed in a thousand years. She uses archaic grammar and occasionally lapses into a booming voice."

"Princess Luna is welcome here, as far as I'm concerned, and we can hopefully help her. You'll have to tell me more about your plans for the Nightmare Night Festival."

"It's called what." It didn't come out as a question.

Twilight saw it as a question, of course. Any chance to explain some obscure tradition was good in her books. It was, as I said, analogous to Halloween. The added bit was that not dressing up would cause Nightmare Moon to come and eat you, or something. Near the end of the night, a wee bit of candy each child collected is donated as a sacrifice to a Nightmare Moon statue or something.

Now, anyone reading this should be able to see a bit of a problem here. Luna was coming to this festival dedicated to being afraid of her alternate personality. I tried explaining this dilemma to Twilight.

"She's not Nightmare Moon anymore, Nav," was the answer. "And we'll be able to help her prepare for the visit when she meets us at Fluttershy's home. Which was a good choice, by the way, if what you say about Princess Luna's voice is true. Fluttershy can help her learn to speak gently. It'll be fine, Nav. And you made the right choice, inviting her."

I shrugged. "Too late to recall the invite anyway. I quite like having my head attached to the rest of my body."

"That's the spirit! Now, care to help me and Spike with some chores?"

I'll be the first to admit: I was surprised when Princess Luna actually did come by. I was more surprised that it was the first night after the offer. I said as much as I reached up to grab my coat for a walk.

"We had a bit of free time. There's not much to rule over when the kingdom is sleeping. If there was any real emergency, the courtiers would rather wake my sister than bring it to me, anyway," she answered, with more than a little bitterness.

It was a bit of a chilly night. A pale mist greeted every word. The weak street lights barely lit the road, while the nearly empty moon reflected gently off the glass windows. It was a night the likes of which I had rarely greeted back on my world.

"Surely you could deal with a big incident just as well as your sister. You've both spent a long time ruling, despite your small hiatus. Besides, anyone with a small lick of common sense can dictate orders around. What takes the skill is carrying them out. Though maybe that's just bias from living so long in a democratic system."

"Democracy… I read a mention of that in one of Twilight's letters about you, but she didn't go into detail."

"It is a form of government by the people. The people are allowed to vote on the issues, and whoever they want to rule them. There is a very big problem with a democracy, however. It allows the majority complete control. If the majority of people decided, for example, to ban reading because they don't like it, the minority has no power to stop it. That is why my people created the idea of a republic. A republic is a democracy with limits. Everyone has certain rights that cannot be taken from them. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of the press, stuff like that. People elect a small number of people to represent them as they vote on issues that just about anyone can put forward. No one can put into action anything that denies anyone any of the unalienable rights, however. It was a system designed by a people that had been abused by a monarchy. It allows for the changing of leaders every certain number of years, with systems in place if that leader needs to be removed sooner. I have thought long and hard on it, and can see no reason ponies would ever need such a system, or any way to make it applicable here anyway."

"Why is that?"

"Everyone here has an assigned role in life. They may pick it themselves, but it will be something they will always be able to do. This includes the leaders. Why would ponies need to vote in new leaders if the only leaders they get are born to them? And why would they need a new ruler if they ones they have are wonderful, eternal, and benevolent? It's a perfect system that couldn't exist on my world."

"I see. So why bring it up at all?"

"I mentioned it to Twilight, or maybe Spike, before I knew much about your people. And then you asked about it. I was merely doing my civic duty and informing my princess on a matter she was ignorant about."

I could tell that if she had hands she would punch me. I decided to throw her off before she thought about kicking at my shins.

"Do your feet get cold in the weather, or do the hooves protect them well?"

"I'm very used to the cold. Remember, I spent a thousand years on the moon."

"That hardly answered my question."

"Yes, my feet do get cold. I imagine yours do as well, silly protection or not."

"Back where I come from, we don't get much cold weather. It rarely dips below freezing. No one here knows how to make human shoes, so I'm forced to wear the summer shoes I had back home. I'm freezing."

She looked alarmed at that. "Then why are we walking out here? You should be inside, near a fire!"

I shrugged. "I don't want to wake Twilight or Spike, and this helps keep me awake better than a warm fire would. Besides, you don't seem to mind it too much, and you prefer the night sky. I see no reason it should bother me."

"Are all humans this stubborn?"

"I think one day you might find that it's all men that are this stubborn, at least when they see themselves in the right. Or maybe it's all human men."

She harrumphed.

"Oh, and that does remind me of something, actually," I said. "I heard one of Twilight's friends talking about Princess Celestia having a nephew. If you were trapped on the moon for a thousand years, how does that work out?"

"She runs an adoption agency. I don't know why they all started calling her Auntie Celestia, but she decided not to stop it, so they all became her nieces and nephews. That said, there aren't that many orphans in Equestria, so not many go through her agency."

"That cleared a bit up. I was thinking there had to be a third sister no one ever mentioned."

We walked in silence for a bit, before the possible implications of what I said hit me.

Sure enough, she asked, "Did you leave anypony important to you behind on your world?"

This could end badly… "Just family. I never made many friends. If my school wasn't so small, I'm sure my disappearance wouldn't have even been noted, other than the noticeable lack of something not keeping the teachers on their toes. The only thing I was known for at my school was my scathing and sarcastic wit, directed at anyone that made themselves an enemy. To be quite honest, I consider the spell that brought me here more of a kindness to myself and to the world I left behind."

"And what of us? Do you consider yourself such a plight on our kind?"

"To be honest, yes, but in a different way. I am a corrupting influence on your people. I try not to be, but much of what I say drives people to think, and many of those thoughts aren't always pleasant. They drive people to my world, to the unhappiness I left behind, rather than to the peace that is their own. This is a good thing in that it will help them mature, but that is a bad thing because they have no reason to mature. I try not to do it to them, but I try to answer every question anyone asks. Just a few hours ago, I had to stop myself from answering a question Twilight asked, for fear of taking her mind to places it doesn't need to go. I want the ponies to continue living in relative harmony with their world. I just say things another human would take for granted, but you ponies don't think like we do."

"It is a shame you're so hurt over this. You seem to be fighting yourself so hard that you are not willing to let anypony near you for fear of them getting hurt."

"Is it so bad that I care so much of them that I'd rather they avoid me to not get hurt?"

"Everypony is their own pony. By denying them the right to be near you, you hurt them before you even get to know them. How will you ever find somepony that can help you if you refuse to let anypony in?"

"You've been talking to Twilight, haven't you?" She smiled. "There's a lot more to it than that, but you are right. In my world… In my world, I saw no reason to ever try to let anyone in. I was not unique. I was not special. I was one man among billions. Here, though… Here, I am the sole representative of my race. I have no excuse to wallow in self-pity. I am not, nor will I probably ever be, much of a people person, but I will try to make friends in this world. True friends, I mean, not just people that I know that are occasionally useful."

"And you'll start with me!"

"Yes, lass. And I'll start with you." Sappy, I know, but I felt it was the right thing to say. "Now, though, I fear there is a bit I must share with you about the festival." I told her what I knew about it.

She listened in silence for a bit. When I finished, I could tell she wanted to use her booming voice, but forced herself quiet. "We did not expect this," was her first response. "But then, we were also a villain for a good while…" She sighed. "We are not surprised. I am not surprised. Disappointed, perhaps, but not surprised. I suppose I shall find friends elsewhere."

She raised her wings to go. "Hold on, princess," I said. She stopped, looking at me. "You aren't Nightmare Moon. You are Princess Luna. This festival isn't about you. It is about what you were, not who you are."

"We—I—will think about it. Thank you, Navarone. Friend." She took off.

Could have gone worse, I guess.

Chapter Three—Every action gets a reaction. I.E., wherein I learn why alcohol is bad

The next day, I decided it might be wise to check up again on Rainbow Dash, to make sure she wasn't still feeling hung over. I knew it was unlikely, but I figured it was probably a good idea to check.

It wasn't until I got to her house, however, that I remembered it floats. And that I can't fly.

I was thinking about trying to get her attention, wondering if a rock would fly through her house or potentially damage something, when I heard a loud trundling behind me, followed by a yelled warning of "Look out!"

I quickly twisted around, saw what was coming, and jumped out of the way.

"Of course," I muttered. "It would be Pinkie Pie who managed to latch onto a runaway wagon, of all things." I saw Fluttershy trying to catch up, alongside Scootaloo on a little scooter. I still don't know why they made a bloody scooter in this world. Makes no sense.

I picked myself up. "Scootaloo, I could have expected. Pinkie Pie, yeah, no stretch. But how did they rope you into this, Fluttershy?"

She slowed down long enough to say "They asked for a responsible pony for something. I didn't know what at the time! Could you please help us?"

I sighed and started running to catch up to Pinkie Pie. "How is she even still going that fast? There isn't an engine on that thing, and the ground is relatively level!"

Scootaloo answered, "We built a ramp a while back. A very big ramp. Also, what's an engine?"

"…Never mind. How are we going to stop her before she crashes into something bigger than she is?"

"I don't know, but being a rescuer shouldn't be this hard! Can you see if I have a cutie mark?"

She didn't. "That just means I have to actually catch up to her!" With that, she put on an extra burst of speed. I was hardly an athlete back on Earth, and I haven't done too much exercise since I got here. I barely managed to keep up with Fluttershy.

"Bloody kids. How do you manage them?" I asked her.

"Oh, I'm just good with kids… You know how it is."

"Whatever. Hey, it looks like Pinkie Pie is slowing down!"

Thankfully, she was. She managed to stop right in front of a large lake near the forest. I've often wondered what it would be like to dive in that thing, but when I asked the little ones about it they got pale and changed the subject.

Fluttershy and I finally managed to catch up to the two of them. Scootaloo was showering Pinkie Pie with a mix of accolades and admonishments, while Pinkie Pie was trying to get her legs back.

"So," I began, "what was the purpose of that again?"

Scootaloo said, "We were going to put Angel in the wagon and push him down the ramp. Then I was supposed to chase after him and quickly catch him, hopefully earning an animal rescuer cutie mark. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were supposed to try to calm him down and make sure he was okay. Instead, Pinkie Pie was walking by, saw the wagon, thought it looked like a roller coaster, and jumped in. We didn't plan the ramp very well, obviously…"

"You were going to do what with Angel?" Fluttershy asked, obviously somewhat disturbed.

I noticed then that she was actually still holding him protectively, despite his violent protests. I held my hand out for a quick bro-fist bump with the guy. He obliged; say what you want about his size, that little dude was okay.

"We weren't going to hurt him!" Scootaloo protested.

Fluttershy started to reply, when Pinkie Pie interjected herself. "That was fun! Can I do it again? Oh, hi Navarone! How was your experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?"

"It went better than expected, actually, though I wouldn't bring it up with Rainbow Dash. I don't think she will remember it fondly. I was actually on my way to check up with her when I was interrupted by a runaway pony."

"Well, that's rude! Somepony needs to learn to control their speeds!" Typical Pinkie Pie.

"I suppose we should get this wagon back to the ramp. I think the girls wanted to try an experiment of their own."

"Not with any of my animals, they won't!" Fluttershy said. "If… if that wouldn't be a problem…"

Scootaloo sighed. "Fine! We can be human rescuers instead!"

That got my attention. "Wait, what now?"

Several bruises—and no cutie marks—later, I found myself wandering the marketplace. Their market holds none of the hubbub of a busy bazaar, or any market I'm used to back on Earth. There is no music playing in the background, very little muted speech going on, and all the speech that takes place sounds happy. It's like a happy memory of what 1950's small town America would be like. The only difference is that I'm the communist here, and I'm not 'your neighbor' or 'your best friend,' but rather, I'm the outsider, the one everyone can tell doesn't belong just by looking. It is disquieting in a way, though I know by now all the ponies are used to me. They managed to get used to Spike and Zecora, so it didn't take most of them long to stop staring at me.

But I digress. I was walking through the marketplace, looking at the small amount of wares available. Ponyville is not a large place at all, so there really wasn't much to look at. A few pieces of furniture, a small number of antique books, a few cloth stores, a doodad shop, and many food places. Even if there was anything I'd want to buy, I had no money with which to buy it. All the cash I had was defunct, all the plastic I had was worthless. Coins had some small value, but gold—in the form of bits—appears to be the common denomination here. I don't render any real services, nor do I have the right to say I'm a personal student or friend to the beloved princess, even if I was a new friend to the lesser known princess. In short, I was dependent on Twilight. It was not a comforting feeling.

I wandered through the marketplace, thinking of ways to earn my keep. I had enough ideas from Earth to become a political writer, but no pony would want to or need to try to read through a political treatise or any of the books I typically read back home.

If I could find someone to pay bounties, I could become a hunter. There are enough dangerous creatures out there for the job to pay well. I could also become a guide through the forest, or I could collect herbs and ingredients. It would be a dangerous job, and a job that no one would really want to pay me for, but it could be profitable.

There's also the very, very useful fact that I have thumbs going in my favor. Anything a pony would want to grasp would have to be done with their mouth or with magic. That pretty much makes my use nearly infinite. Infinite, if I could get the bloody ponies to stop fearing me so.

And there's also the possibility of remaining tethered to Twilight. Spike and I have different uses to her. He's good for manual tasks and being a guinea pig. He is very resistant, and has survived more than one magical accident that would have seared me to the bone. I, however, am a thinker. I have helped Twilight troubleshoot through some broken spells already, though the actual mechanics behind them remain hidden to me.

Or I could become a wanderer. This world is vast, and is mostly peaceful, though much of it has gone unmapped by ponies. Oddly enough, what of it I have seen shows me that this world is very, very like my own. With that knowledge, I can assume that riches can be found in the same places. Gold in California, diamonds in South Africa. It would be an interesting life.

I could also become an 'inventor.' This world has only the weakest engines, and having Pegasi means no one really developed flying technology beyond balloons. I could create a vastly more successful Hindenburg, or a plane. Given oil supplies, though, a steampunk style invention process would be easier.

Those thoughts were suddenly put on hold when a distracted and heavily laden Rarity bumped into me. Hardly breaking stride, she said, "Pardon, sir, but you simply must learn to watch where you're going!" She didn't even see me. Probably just guessed the gender and hoped to be right.

"Rarity? Do you need some help?" I asked her.

"What? Oh, yes! These are awfully heavy, and you do look like a fellow that could carry some weight!" I couldn't tell if that was an insult, so I just took some of the cloth from her back. "Be careful with that! It's going to be a dress fit for a princess soon!" As I've mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion. But if some of the things I've seen come out of her shop are considered 'fit for princesses,' I'm glad I avoided the industry. I'm sure it's all good, but a lot of it just looks impractical to me. I just shrugged and tried to look impressed by her admonishment. She apparently bought it, because she started off back to her shop. I followed, trying—despite myself—to figure out what she was going to make with this batch of cloth. A dress or gown of some kind, of course; I've never seen her make clothes for men, aside from that special commission for me to keep me from wearing the same tattered clothing day after day.

"Rarity, if you ever get a bit of free time, would you mind seeing if you could somehow make shoes for me? What I have now won't last forever, and I wasn't blessed with hard feet."

"Shoes? What's that about shoes? I don't have time to think about shoes at a time like this! I'm going to be absolutely swamped for days! When will I learn to not bite off more than I can chew?"

Probably when you finally fail to finish an order. She liked to complain, and I liked to tease her about it, but to Rarity, dresses and fashion is an art, not a career. She is very, very good at it and is very, very dedicated. I've heard from Sweetie Belle that she occasionally stays up days at a time to work on an order. It is my opinion that her cutie mark thing should be a thread and a needle, but apparently whoever decides those things figured diamonds was better. There was a time that I would have made a joke about something being pretty but ultimately useless, but I like to think I'm over that.

When we arrived at her shop, I found the place in complete disarray. To my apparently 'untrained eye,' as Rarity put it, everything looked like it was balanced on the edge of falling, awaiting only a sudden movement to break into total bedlam. To Rarity, it implied a job well on its way, a job that was missing only its mistress, who had stepped out for a short break. I gently set the bundle of cloth where she indicated and wondered if I should try to back out slowly before she remembered I was there, or try to offer any more help.

My mind was made up for me when she turned suddenly, saw me, started, and said, "Oh, hello Navarone. You wouldn't mind helping me with a few more tasks, would you? I promise, they won't take too long…"

Oh lord… "I'm not Spike; I won't be willing to do anything you ask. But what do you need?"

Her answering smile was enough to make me want to grind my teeth. It said, I know what you think you're doing, and it's cute. I managed to answer back with my own smarmy bring it on smile.

"Well, you see, my cat, Opalescence—"

"I'm not cleaning out a litter bed."

"Would it help if I said please?" My flat stare answered that for her. "Well, that's not the only thing I needed help with. I was kind of wondering if you'd be willing to supervise the girls while I'm busy with this project. I've heard how they talk about you; you are an enigma to them, and they have a lot of ideas about using you to get their cutie marks. I know you're often busy helping Twilight or one of the others, but if you have the time maybe you could help me?"

"I already have a few bruises from some of their plans involving me from today. Are you sure I'd survive anything more they have in store for me?"

"Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't be too much of a problem for 'the most dangerous creature alive.'"

"You see, it's that alive part I'm worried about. I'd like to keep it that way, and their 'human rescuer' plans seem to desire to put that life at risk."

"So THAT is why they were building a ramp. I was wondering what they were planning with it."

"How did they even build that flaming thing, anyway? None of them can do magic that I've seen, and none of them have thumbs! I've heard Fluttershy talk about their less than stellar carpentry skills in the past as well."

"No pony says they had to build it well. I'm sure the 'rescuer' part of the plan could cover fall damage as well as runaway cart problems."

"You are not making me any more eager to help you with this, you know."

"You hardly seemed eager to begin with."

"Yes, and about half the words you seem to say confirm I was right in my initial conception of the idea. From everything I've seen of the little lasses, they hardly need watching over anyway. They don't listen to half of anything anyone tells them, so it would hardly help to have someone like me around, who would only tell them off half the time for stuff they're doing wrong."

"I think you're stretching, now."

"You're not making me want to say yes any more. Why me, anyway? I know you said they were hoping to experiment on me, but surely there are other, more responsible ponies you could leave them with. Like… Fluttershy, or… well, Fluttershy is really the only truly responsible one of your main cadre of friends. Maybe Applejack or Twilight? Well, Twilight is usually busy with studies and isn't too much a fan of kids in her library. And after that experiment with Rainbow Dash I somewhat question Applejack's responsibility…"

"What happened with the experiment?"

"Oh, nothing…"

She raised an eyebrow, but let it go. "Fluttershy already said she couldn't. Something about house sitting? And Applejack is always busy with her trees."

"It's late fall and harvest is over. What kind of tree is she growing now?"

She opened her mouth to respond, looked pensive, and shut it again. Finally, she said, "So, you want to go ask Applejack a question for me?"

Half an hour of trudging through broken leaves and fallen limbs, I found myself back at Applejack's house. Her granny was on the front porch, waddled up in a load of clothes. I asked if she knew where Applejack was.

"What?"

"I said do you know where Applejack is?" I'll spare you the details of how long it took to get this message across to the old lady. Some things are better left forgotten.

When she finally understood me, she pointed right at me. I turned around to find Applejack trying her hardest not to laugh.

"Yeah, thanks for the help there. Anyway, Rarity wanted to know if you could watch the girls for her for a little while. She's a bit busy with a big order."

"I reckon I could do that for a bit, though I hardly think they need it."

"See, that's what I said. Though honestly, they do seem to have a bit of a problem thinking about consequences of their actions. Damn near killed me, Pinkie Pie, and Angel today. Until one of the set gets a bit of common sense, it's probably better that someone is around to supervise."

"What kinda scheme did they think up that could have hurt a human, a pony, and a little bunny?"

"The kind that involves a giant ramp and a wagon. Apparently the plan was to put Angel in the wagon and to push him down, then catch up and become animal rescuers. Pinkie Pie jumped in the wagon at the last instant, thinking it was some kind of ride. I almost got run over, then somehow got roped into helping them be human rescuers instead."

"Sounds like you have a hard time saying no to ponies."

"Let's see you say no to Applebloom's puppy dog face."

"I'm her big sister. That's my job."

"Psh. Cheater."

"Oh, that reminds me of something. Rainbow Dash came by earlier, asking about stuff that happened when we got her drunk. I didn't tell her anything, but I'm thinking she has a bone to pick with you about that comment you said about Big Macintosh."

"God, I was hoping she was too hung over to remember that… I hope you didn't tell her anything."

"I didn't say a word. Couldn't hold back a smile, though. She definitely suspects we know something."

"Let her keep on suspecting. Don't mention it at all, even if she does tell you later."

"I don't see why we can't talk about it. I don't see any harm in it."

"The way I figure, if she hasn't told anyone, she probably doesn't want to talk about it. I'm perfectly willing to respect that. If she wants to bring it up, she will, and we can talk about it freely then. Not like it really matters, anyway, unless you were planning on playing matchmaker with her."

"I don't think that would go over very well."

"Agreed. I was actually trying to find Rainbow Dash this morning, when I got sidetracked by the girls and then by Rarity. But I guess if she made it here then she's pretty well okay. I'll just have to try to avoid her now, so she won't be able to get me back for it…"

"I'm sure if she does try to get you back, she won't actually hurt you to do it. Most of what she does is just relatively harmless pranks."

"True enough, I suppose, but I'd still rather avoid any retribution for what I, at least, consider a real experiment. It may have been hatched as an idea for a prank, but I was honestly interested in the results."

"Well, that either makes you more or less honest than me. I was in it to get her back for some pranks she did to me a while back."

"I'm sure it was well deserved, and I'm sure it concluded the matter. Anyway, I should probably get back to Rarity to tell her the news before she gets completely absorbed in whatever she's doing. You know how she is."

"I sure do. See you around, Nav."

While I was on walking back to Rarity's house in the loose light of the fading day, my combat instincts—honed from more time than I would ever admit playing more games that I'd ever admit—warned me to duck. Sadly, my body is not as fast as my mind, especially after the beating I had taken earlier that day.

So I found myself unceremoniously lifted and flying through the air, held aloft by two recognizable blue legs—I swear, I don't think these ponies have joints or bones in their legs. I heard laughing right above me, and looked up to confirm my suspicion.

"I hope you don't mind heights, Navarone," Rainbow Dash yelled to me over the wind.

I did, in fact, mind heights, but I'd be buggered before I let her know that. I just grit my teeth and hung on for dear life, trying not to imagine myself as the first and only human to have become a pancake in ponyland.

After a while flying, I shouted up at her, "If you drop me, I'll drag myself out of whatever afterlife I land in and haunt you. I don't imagine your house is ghost proof!"

"So I just have to make sure not to kill you!" I didn't much like the sound of that.

Long story short, after several faked false drops, I found out that it was, in fact, possible for a human to be in her house. A very, very small part of her house. Feeling around the base of the room I was trapped in revealed that most of it was immaterial. I immediately took a dislike to the area.

"So, you have me trapped. Now what?"

"I could just let you stew for a few days, you know. The spell I asked Twilight to cast here should last at least that long."

"Should is the key word there. You may be a bit rash, but you're no murderer. You brought me here for a purpose, one that could very likely have been taken care of on the ground in a more… mundane… discussion."

"Yeah, I probably could have kept you on the ground for that. But there'd be no guarantees you'd tell the truth down there!"

"Just as you have no guarantees I'll tell any kind of truth up here. I'm assuming that you want to know more about the test I ran. There were a very small number of witnesses, and they'll all agree on what I say, and what I told you after we conducted it."

"There was a teensy bit of information you might have said that I want clarification on. I think you know what I'm talking about."

"Might have said? You kidnapped me for something I 'might have said?' I have a bit of a problem with that."

"I'm sure you'll get over it. Now, I'll ask again: What happened that night?"

"Again? You never asked in the first place. I just guessed—correctly—that you were going to ask about it, and told you my piece before you said anything. But since I can see you are considering pushing me to see what happens, I will tell you. Applejack and I ran a few experiments. You gave us information. As it turns out, Applejack was more into it for the prank side of the equation than for the scientific side, but I'm still pleased with the results."

"Funny. She said the opposite was true of you." I shrugged at that. "Whatever. Tell me more about the… tests."

"We had you try to fly, which was very amusing. We also tested your mental processes, which was also very amusing."

I could tell she wanted more, but I knew I could outwait her.

Sure enough, she asked impatiently, "And?"

"And what? That's pretty much what we did."

"You're not telling me what I want to know!"

"No, I'm not telling you what you want to hear. There is a very big difference."

"Maybe I will leave you up here for a few days. I bet some time spent with your head in the clouds will put something more in that insufferably logical mind of yours!"

"There is plenty enough emotion in my mind. I just choose not to show it when explaining experimental procedure. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to take the lid off, I would rather quickly inundate you with anger. That would be a bit of a bad idea, as you've kidnapped me and are the only person that knows I'm up here, but it would be satisfying for a short while."

"You… You are definitely not a pony. So that's all that happened? Just tests? No flirting with Big MacIntosh?"

"As far as I know, you didn't do any flirting with Big MacIntosh." Doesn't mean he didn't try any on you, though…

"As far as you know? That's comforting…" She harrumphed. "But I really wasn't planning on keeping you here that long. I'm sure Twilight would say something if her new favorite conversational partner disappeared." With that, she wrapped her front legs around me again, and took off.

It is an interesting feeling, flying like that. I wasn't paying as much attention before, thinking she'd still want revenge of some kind. This time, though, I tried paying a lot more attention.

So it was a lot more surprising when we were passing over a lake and she dropped me. My reflexes woke up this time and pulled overtime as I managed to grab onto one of her legs as she was sailing away snickering, and pulled myself up and onto her back. No, I don't know how. I wasn't really paying attention at the time.

That, readers, was a mistake. I rode a few horses and even a cow or two when I was a lot younger. Before I…er, developed. Those encounters did nothing at all to prepare me for a wild bucking flying mare that's doing her utmost to remove an indignity from her proud back. I held on for dear life as she did her best to remove me. I would have made everyone at any rodeo cheer for me, even though I didn't handicap myself with one hand in the air. Both were wrapped around her neck, trying to make sure I didn't fall off as she did everything she could to dislodge me.

Finally, as we were both getting completely exhausted, I tried reasoning with her. "You could just set me down!"

I was very surprised when she suddenly seemed to click on and say, "That's… that's not a bad idea…"

So it was that we found ourselves with both of my feet and all of hers planted firmly on the ground.

We both said something at the same time that painted a completely different picture. "Never again!" and "That was awesome!" Guess who said what.

"I never knew you humans could do that!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"I… I didn't know I could, either. Remind me to never ride any of you again… God, I'm going to be feeling this for weeks."

"What do you mean, never do that again! How else are you going to help me train for the sky rodeo?"

"If the sky rodeo is a real thing—and God I hope it's not—why on earth would you want me to help you train for it? I'm the only bloody human here!"

"It's not a real thing. Yet. But just think! You're the only human here, as you said. If we were to have some kind of competition like that among pegasi to see who can knock you off the fastest, it could be a huge spectacle sport! We could get the Wonderbolts here, and they could see ME in all my glory, showing them all who's the best in yet another sport!"

"I see a few glaring flaws in your plan. First, as soon as I got bucked off, I'd go falling to the ground to crack my flaming skull. Second, since I'm the only human, I'd get more and more tired as the event goes on, making it harder for me to keep up. Third, despite what you may think, I'm actually a bit terrified of heights. I don't think I'm at Fluttershy's level of fear, but there's a reason I reacted so fast when you tried to bloody drop me."

"As many fliers as we'll have up there, you won't need to worry about falling more than a few feet. You'll be caught almost instantly by somepony. And we can easily have Twilight find a spell that completely revitalizes you! And surely you can get over a small bit of fear in order to help me succeed with my dream!"

How do I keep getting roped into this crap? I sighed. "If, and I do stress the if, you manage to get enough pegasi interested, I'm in. But if I die I will haunt you. And it won't be a pleasant haunting. There are a lot of very, very scary things in my world that I haven't mentioned to anyone here, and my imagination is vast."

"You won't regret it!" With that, she flew off. I knew almost immediately that I would likely regret it. Hopefully I'd at least live long enough to regret it. Not like I wanted kids anyway.

I sighed and tried to get my bearings. In the waning light, it was a bit difficult. I found I wasn't that far from the town, and could probably get back to Rarity's shop before night fell. Why did she even want me to ask Applejack this question before the bloody kids needed watching?

A little note from your friend Discord:

Anyone actually reading this that has half a mind might notice something a bit odd about the preceding section. Namely, that I'm so much taller than Rainbow Dash and yet was able to ride her without too many problems.

There is one big issue here: The height difference. My height changes if I sit on a pony, due to my magic. I told Celestia I would keep some of my powers, you see.

I am omnipotent and my powers are limitless. 'Some' of infinity is still infinity.

I have wondered numerous times myself why this height change has never been noticed by any of the ponies. I don't get it; I didn't do anything to them to make them not notice. They're just really unobservant, I suppose.

Chapter Four—Wherein Luna is introduced to the town. Sort of.

When I finally made it back to Twilight's library, the last bit of sunlight had faded, and the moon felt like it was watching me as I opened the door and made my way inside. Twilight and Spike were already in bed, so I had to waste no time with idle pleasantries. I happily sighed and went to find a place to rest my weary and battered body.

When I finally sat down, but thankfully before I could get comfortable, I heard a knocking at the door. Hoping it was Rainbow Dash to tell me she had a change of heart, I made my way to the door.

It was Luna. Look, I know I made the offer to the poor lass to come and talk any time, but really? She obviously didn't have any other friends, if she came to talk to me two nights in a bloody row. I reached over to grab my coat and joined her outside.

"You'll have to excuse me if I walk a bit slowly and stiffly," I told her. "I'm battered and bruised from two encounters with overenthusiastic torturers today."

"That warrants some explaining, I believe," she said with a small smile.

"There are three wee lasses here that are looking to score their cutie marks. Their curiosity upon meeting me quickly turned into a desire to experiment upon me. To that end, I was today put in a cart upon a tall ramp, pushed down, and left to roll until one of them was able to catch up and 'rescue' me. I know this reference won't mean much to you, but they remind me of the three stooges. Poor lasses can't hardly do anything right, and they always manage to screw up more extravagantly when they're dealing with someone else. In this case, I was that someone else, and I was dumb enough to sit in that cart for them three times, and only once did they manage to catch up to me before I hit a rock and tumbled out."

"Foals will be foals, I guess. I think it's kind of cute that you're helping them out, though. Twilight doesn't have you running errands all day?"

"Thankfully, no. Most of the time I'm left with free time, unless she asks me to help."

"That was one of your mentioned encounters. What about the other?"

"I had to ride bareback on a rampaging and flying mare as she did her best to dislodge me with all her might."

"That… also warrants a bit more explanation."

"I don't know how much you know about Twilight's friends. In every group there is at least one prankster, and Rainbow Dash is one in this group. She took it upon herself to lift me up and try to drop me in a pond for a perceived slight upon her. I wasn't expecting to be dropped, so I managed to barely catch myself on one of her legs and pull myself up. She tried to dislodge me. It didn't work and I finally managed to talk sense into her long enough to get me on the ground. Then she lost that sense and decided that it would be awesome to have a 'sky rodeo' with me as the main victi—er, star."

"A sky rodeo? Who is allowed to participate, and what are the rules?"

"I don't know, and the only rule I'm concerned about is the one that involves saving the human before he falls to his death."

"You actually agreed to it? I'm surprised at you!"

"I agreed to it under the condition that she could get enough pegasi interested in it. I rather doubt that she'll be able to, thank God. Most of them probably haven't seen a human, and wouldn't want to be ridden by one if they had. Good riddance to that, too."

"What, you didn't enjoy your time up there?"

"I might not be opposed to the idea of riding one as they flew regularly, just from point A to point B. Trying to hold on as they kick and buck is a bit more than I'm interested in."

"It sounds interesting to me."

"If you can ever find a spell that will turn you into a human, be my guest."

"I meant for the pegasus. It would be a fun test of skill."

"You are not making me any happier that I agreed to it, even if it was under such an improbable conditional."

"I'm sure you'll survive, if she gets the support. And I'm sure I or my sister could find a spell that would, if nothing else, make you fall a lot slower."

"A spell that was made to work on ponies, who have a bit more mass and a very different shape than me. I'll be risking a lot just letting Twilight revitalize me in between rounds. I'm going to ask her to experiment tomorrow with the various aches and pains I have now."

"If you want, I could try now."

"If you heal me now, I'll have to get new aches and pains for Twilight to experiment on before the actual event happens, unless you're planning on showing up to see it and can heal me there instead of Twilight."

"Me, miss my favorite human get thrown about? Wouldn't miss it for the moon."

We were nearing a fountain. I sat on the edge and told her to try if she wanted.

She smiled and lowered her horn to touch me lightly on the arm. A very concentrated black orb pulsed out of the tip of her horn and into my arm. All my muscles froze up for an instant, and my eyes were seeing white. When I was able to see and feel again, I found myself thrown against the statue in the fountain, smoking lightly. My entire skin felt like it was on fire. I opened my mouth to scream, but the burning sensation left as soon as it came and I instead let out a discontented warble. I noticed that, at the very least, all the pain was gone.

"What… what did you do?" I managed to stammer.

"I healed all your physical impurities," she told me.

I checked my body over quickly. I was missing the small collection of scars I had picked up in my life. They were from nothing big, just accidents and a surgery, but I liked to occasionally lie about how I got them. I also noticed that I was missing the occasional rheumy cough that I had spent all my life with.

"I don't know why it hit you so hard," she continued. "You must have had a lot more wrong with you than just aches and pains!"

I continued checking over my body. All the missing skin around my fingers was back—just a nervous tick I have, picking at it. The slight arthritis I picked up due to my genetics appeared to be gone, as my habitual knee ache was gone. My nose was no longer half clogged. I couldn't even feel the phlegm that was constantly at the back of my throat. As she said, I appeared to have been fixed of each and every physical problem.

When I was able to get over the shock and see that she was still looking at me, concerned, I managed to flash a weak grin. "Don't worry about me, lass. Just trying to sort out what all you actually did to me. Trust me when I say that it's a lot more than you know."

"Magic is a wonderful thing."

I didn't answer. I tried to get to my legs and managed a shaky stance. I picked my way off the frozen fountain and got my feet back on the dirt. Before she could say anything else, I hugged the princess around the neck. Holy shit, she's really soft! Her flowing hair was like silk and her wings were like velvet.

I could tell she wasn't expecting a hug. When I let her go, she still had a look of surprise on her face, and her wings were flared.

"You removed pains I've had for so long that I didn't notice them anymore. I figure that was justified," I told her.

"How do you… stop noticing pain?" she asked, her wings slowly lowering.

"It's like breathing or blinking. It's just something that's always there, and becomes normal for you. You don't notice that you're always blinking or always breathing until you stop to think about it. The pain I was carrying was constant, so I eventually phased it out. I had to actually concentrate to see if I could feel it anymore."

"Humans are very, very odd."

"How do you know that it isn't just me that's very, very odd?"

"Because I'm pretty sure if what I said wasn't true, you wouldn't have said what you just did."

"Odd is relative. I'm surprised there aren't plenty of ponies that are hiding pain like this as well. Applejack's grandmother is old and has a bad hip. You can't tell me she's not in some kind of pain because of that."

"I've… I've never really thought about it like that. I just know that I've never felt much physical pain. I never thought that it might actually be common…"

"You also don't spend much time around the regular ponies. If you want to rule your subjects, you need to know them. It would also help if they knew you more."

"And you expect me to come to a festival designed around fear of me—or rather, Nightmare Moon."

"When better?" At her look, I tried explaining, "Let the people see you as you are in contrast to what they fear. You've yet to cause me any manner of harm, and you don't even look the same as Nightmare Moon anymore." Though admittedly, I could barely see Luna in the weak light. And I had never seen Nightmare Moon. The only reason I knew is because Twilight mentioned it in her ramblings about the festival.

"As I said, Navarone, I will think on it." She readied her wings again, and again I stopped her.

"You know, you didn't tell me anything about your day. Or rather, your night. Or when you were practicing talking."

She lowered her wings and said somewhat coolly, "You are correct. I did not."

"Friendship is about give and take. You don't have to tell me anything, of course. But I will listen if you want to."

She looked at me for half a minute, and finally said, "I will answer a question or two."

"Who have you been practicing talking with?"

Ponies are truly terrible, terrible liars. Every one of them I have seen tell a lie—the very small number of them—has so many tells that you know automatically when one is lying. And the funny thing? Not a single one of them notices. A pony can lie to another pony all day long and unless the one getting lied to can obviously tell the other pony is lying by looking at evidence, they'll always believe each other.

I have abused the hell out of this.

Anyway, I just put that in there to explain how I immediately knew Luna was lying when she said, "My other friends."

"You don't have to lie to me. Mind, you also don't have to tell me the truth. I won't judge you either way."

She sighed. "My servants…"

I nodded slowly. "Come on by the festival, princess. We'll find you some ponies to talk to."

I think she smiled. I know she flew off.

I feel yet another intermission is in order, as I should probably take some time to explain my sleep schedule. In short, it was all kinds of fucked up at the time. Basically, it was, like, six AM to two PM, but it also fluctuated. I'd often wait until I was completely exhausted and then try to sleep, and make sure I woke up early to stay virtually exhausted.

It was painful, and I was not at my best. And in case you're wondering, it honestly didn't help with the dreams. I just like to tell myself it did. The only thing that stopped me from making more alcohol was lack of resources and avoiding hypocrisy.

I figured something was going to give, soon.

The next day found me in another small adventure, this time with the resident dragon.

"Navarone," Spike started, "how do you get mares to notice you?" Oh God.

"That is a loaded question, and it's one that I'm not sure how to answer," I replied. We were out in the middle of a field, looking for some kind of alchemical supplies or something for Twilight. I wasn't really paying attention when she told us what to do; I knew Spike was, and she wrote it all down anyway, so I figured we would be fine.

"What's a loaded question?" he asked.

"A question that, in this case, is something that I can't answer without getting in some kind of trouble. I'll do my best to answer it, but follow any of the things I tell you at your own peril. First things first: Have you tried telling her how you feel?"

"I've made it as obvious as possible! I've done everything she's asked, even the really nasty stuff, I always show my love and adoration on my face and it's always evident in my voice, but she still doesn't seem to notice!"

"Spike, for the most part, women are very, very bad at picking up stuff like that. A lot of times, when a guy likes a girl, he'll do all sorts of big things to impress her. She never notices, or just thinks it is kindness. On the flipside of that, when a girl likes a guy, she does all sorts of little things to impress him. He never notices. Both sides have very different methods of showing affection and love for the other, and because of that both sides have a hard time telling when the other likes them. Your best bet to make her notice is just telling her straight up." Look, I've never had a girlfriend. I have, however, seen way too many romantic comedies, and I figure I can look at everything they do in movies like that and as long as I do the exact opposite, I should be fine.

"So you're suggesting I just… tell her how I feel? Won't that feel awkward?"

"Yes, it will. But—and don't take this negatively—it'll also quicken the process. If you tell her straight up you like her and she snuffs out your hopes, you know you don't need to waste any more time on her. If you've done all you said you have for her, by now she either feels the same way or she probably never will." I won't lie, I know who he's talking about. I'm also pretty sure she knows, and I'm pretty sure she's using him because of his affection. Rarity isn't necessarily a bad person, but she is somewhat manipulative. With all her workload, though, I do kind of understand it. I figured this would be a good way to cut Spike off her leash, though.

"If she says she isn't interested in me, what then? What if it's somepony I need to work with often?"

I decided to tease him a bit about it. "Don't tell me this girl is Twilight."

"What? No! It's Ra—I mean, this is all hypothetical!" I smiled.

"In that case, if she says she isn't interested in you, just drop it. Feel free to help her if you want, but just note that you'll probably never be able to make her feel the same way you do about her. It's a painful thought, I know, but it's also the truth. Besides, how long do dragons even live? And how long until you're fully grown?" I could tell I hit a bit of a soft spot, and I immediately regretted the words. "Don't worry about it, man. Even if this girl isn't the one for you, you'll find one someday. Besides, you haven't even asked her yet!"

"I think I would feel too nervous to ever ask her that…"

I almost made the cardinal mistake of relationship helping. I almost offered to ask her for him. My mouth was open and the words were forming before I managed to strangle the words away. I disguised the sound with a cough.

Much good it did me. "Navarone, you think you could, I don't know, maybe ask her for me?"

Well, shit. "Before I answer that, I want to tell you a few things. First, that's basically the cardinal mistake in relationship planning, and it could go one of a few ways with about an equal chance of each happening. Possibility one is complete success. I ask her and she answers. Possibility two is partial success. I ask her and she refuses to answer, because I'm not asking for myself. Possibility three is partial failure. I screw up somehow and ask her in a way that makes it seem like I'm asking about her opinions toward me instead of toward you, and she answers that way instead. Possibility four is complete and total failure. Don't ask me how it happens, because I don't even want to think about it, but it ends with you banned from her presence forever and me as her eternal slave."

"Those don't seem very likely."

"And this doesn't seem very hypothetical."

"…Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anypony about it. The last pony I told blabbed it to somepony."

"I don't tell secrets, lad. If I did, I would have told Rarity a long time ago that you liked her. I honestly don't know how she hasn't figured it out, or if she knows and is just waiting for you to make a move."

"Okay, the secret is—wait, what? Did Twilight tell you too?"

"Dude, it's incredibly obvious. I mean, I don't do relationships at all, and I figured it out as soon as I saw you near her."

"But… but… what?"

I saw an interesting chance to get out of work I wasn't planning on doing anyway. "If you really want me to go ask her, you'll have to finish this work yourself."

"On second thought, I think I'll just keep to my method, and hope for the best…" Well, it was worth a shot.

I read a lot, and I never really thought about time passing in books. But when I decided to write up this journal, I ended up really thinking about it. An hour working in silence, digging through leaves, is a long, long time. Odd how stuff like that doesn't end up in your perspective until you actually have to live it.

After that hour, I decided a different approach. "Well, maybe human women are different from ponies."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe stuff that would work in my world wouldn't work here. I don't know, I've never thought to try it. I don't even know how interracial stuff like that would work here, nor do I really want to know." I mean, the cockatrice had to come from somewhere. "You'd honestly be better off asking a pony. A male pony, not a female one. A male pony that's in a stable relationship."

"I don't actually know many stallions. Twilight doesn't hang out with them and I don't get out of the library much. The only one I know is Big MacIntosh, and he's not in a relationship."

"I've noticed that, too, actually. Have you ever met Twilight's parents? If nothing else you could ask her dad."

"He'd probably assume I was asking to try to get Twilight to like me, though!"

"What people think doesn't usually matter that much. Let him think what he wants, as long as he gives you the results you need. If he doesn't want to help you, assure him it's for one of her friends, or something."

"I don't know…"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"I get banned from her presence and Twilight's dad becomes her eternal slave."

The rest of our search passed with us thinking of increasingly random and off the wall possibilities of things that could happen if someone botched a relationship. It was pretty amusing. One ended up with the guy exiled to another continent, one ended up with him almost dead and then in love with her sister, one ended with the guy going through a complete and total hell only to realize he never really liked her in the first place, and one ended up with the girl saying yes on accident and then being completely passive aggressive for the rest of the relationship.

That night, Princess Luna didn't stop by. I figured she was trying to take my advice and making some friends among ponies. I was rather doggedly not taking hers, and doing my best to stay awake as long as I could.

Nothing really interesting happened the next day, aside from Twilight somehow removing all the hair on one of my legs, and turning the hair on one of my arms white. I don't know what she was trying to do, as she never told me, but I don't think it worked right.

And dammit, my leg was cold…

Since the rest of that week and the one after were mostly boring, I figured I would skip ahead to the festival.

I was lying on a patch of moss outside of Fluttershy's house when night fell. I had a bunny over my eyes, blocking out as much of the light as I could. Twilight was pacing back and forth, jingling with every step; she was wearing some costume of a wizard or something, and it was covered in bells. Fluttershy was watching Twilight with increasing nervousness, occasionally darting her eyes to the sky. Every time a bit of wind rustled the leaves or a cloud passed over, she flinched and whimpered.
Fluttershy, as I'm sure you might have been able to guess, was not a fan of this festival. She doesn't like scary. And if she didn't have Twilight's guarantee that Luna wouldn't hurt her, she would be locked in her house.

Night fell. Luna didn't show up.

"M-m-maybe she decided not to c-c-come!" Fluttershy stuttered. I imagined she was looking at her door hopefully; my eyes were still covered by a warm bunny that was twitching slightly in its sleep.

"Nav said she would think about it, not that she would actually come. I hope she does, but I don't plan on waiting here all night."

"She'll be here," I said. The bunny flinched.

Fluttershy squealed when she heard my voice. The bunny looked up, allowing me to open an eye. Nothing happening. I closed it again, and the bunny, seeing the same thing, fell back asleep. "Sorry," Fluttershy whispered. "I thought you were asleep."

Not a second after that, though, a large cloud formed overhead, and a loud clap of thunder sent the rabbit jumping away in terror. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of demons descending from the skies.

Fluttershy straight up fainted. Twilight openly gaped. I just stared.

It didn't take us long to discern that the demons were pulling a chariot. And once we realized that, we discovered that Princess Luna was in the chariot. That is totally badass. As it turned out, the 'demons' were actually ponies with bat wings. Luna's night guards, I later learned. They were dark grey with purple armor. The crest on their helmet looked reptilian, and stood straight up like a mohawk. And then I saw their eyes: Light amber, reflecting light, with cat-like pupils. The chest-piece of their armor met together with a blue stone that looked like another cat eye. They were, as I said, completely badass looking.

Twilight was still gaping when the chariot landed and Luna stepped off. I got to my feet and lightly tapped Fluttershy with my foot. She lightly groaned. It's going to be a long night.

I finally got a good look at Luna, too: The moon was out fully, and Luna seemed radiant in its glow. She was much taller than Twilight, and her horn was much larger. Around her neck was some manner of black necklace, with a half-moon featured in the center. She seemed to be wearing some kind of light blue slippers, though that might have just been her hooves. On her head was a tiara of similar color and design as the necklace. Her eyes were a light turquoise. And her hair and tail seemed to flow in the night sky, moving of its own volition.

"Well Princess," I said, "you surprised the hell out of me. Nice ride. It's going to scare the shit out of ponies, though."

Princess Luna looked down at Fluttershy, and then up to me. "I will work on finding… more accommodating transportation." She shifted her gaze to Twilight. "Twilight Sparkle. I hear you have some manner of plan?"

"Navarone, you already know all this. Try to help Fluttershy while I explain it to the princess."

I knelt down next to the catatonic Fluttershy and tried shaking her. "Fluttershy, it's time to wake up." She muttered something. I poked her in her side. "If you don't get up, I'm going to find out if ponies are ticklish." Nothing.

As it turns out, ponies are ticklish. And Fluttershy is very susceptible to it. I had her giggling and squealing in no time. I stopped. "Now, are you going to faint again?" I asked.

"Not if it means you'll tickle me again!" She suddenly looked terrified. "Are the demons gone?" she asked, trying to huddle against me.

"They weren't demons. They were Princess Luna's servants."

She started stuttering something about Nightmare Moon.

"No, not Nightmare Moon's servants. Princess Luna's servants. You have Twilight's word they won't harm you." She wasn't impressed. I sighed. "Would it help if I offered to protect you, or something?" She nodded weakly. I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I won't let Princess Luna hurt you."

I stood and offered her a hand. She gave me her hoof and I helped her up. As soon as she saw Luna, she held on as tight as she could. Despite not having fingers, mind. I pried her hoof off my hand, and she immediately huddled as tight against me as she could. I sighed again, and put an arm around her.

"Princess Luna," Twilight said, "this is Fluttershy." Princess Luna held out a hoof. Fluttershy jerked back and Luna got an unpleasant look on her face. After a reassuring squeeze from me and a small look shared with Twilight, Fluttershy shook hooves with her. Progress.

"I have heard much about you, Fluttershy," Luna said. "Would you care to show me some of your nocturnal animals?"

That perked Fluttershy right up. Any chance to talk about her animals drove most fear out of her. She fled from my arm and took the princess in hand. Or hoof, I suppose. They walked around Fluttershy's menagerie of critters.

Twilight and I looked at each other. "Long night?" I asked.

"Yep." We shared a sigh. "But if she got Fluttershy on her side, the rest should be fairly easy. The ponies back in Ponyville know what kind of pony Fluttershy is. It should all go well enough."

No plan that ever should 'go well' has run into Pinkie Pie and survived. She is a magnet for trouble and has no real manner of impulse control. She's like a furby.

The four of us were walking back into town when we ran into Pinkie Pie and a large squad of kids. Fluttershy was still talking our ears off about some manner of animal or something; I try not to pay attention when she starts on about them.

Mind, Pinkie Pie knew the princess was supposed to come by tonight. She knew that, and she knew what we were trying to do with her.

As soon as she saw us, she screamed something about Nightmare Moon and bolted. The children ran with her. Dammit, Pinkie.

I was rubbing my temple, Fluttershy was looking flustered, Princess Luna was looking depressed, and Twilight was looking confused.

Twilight finally said, "I don't understand. She was…" She sighed. "Pinkie Pie. Nav, can you go figure out what she's doing?"

I was the odd one out of that group anyway. Or rather, one of the two odd ones. It made the most sense to send me.

The thing is, I had no idea where they may have gone. I pushed my way through the crowd of curious ponies that had formed around us. Twilight began saying something or another to the assembled masses. I walked on.

I bumped into Spike and Applejack not long after I got out of the crowd. Spike was dressed as a… dragon. Well, why not? Applejack was dressed as a scarecrow, or something. Me, I wasn't dressed as anything. Waste of time, though Rarity had offered to make me something. They pointed me off in the right direction. I made a pointed reminder that Luna isn't supposed to be scary.

It didn't take me too much longer to find Pinkie and the group of kids with her. I had almost caught up to them when a massive bolt of fucking lightning shot down and hit the ground between us. They ran off squealing again and I stood my ground, trying to blink the after-image from my eyes. Lightning isn't something you just see and dismiss. I was partially blinded for a few minutes, and the full after-image didn't depart my eyes for a few days. After the thunderclap stopped echoing in my ears, I heard a very Rainbow Dash-esque laugh, and was barely able to make a dark figure zooming off into the night with a rainbow tail following it.

I continued my search. I figured if I followed some leads on who was giving out the most candy, I could find them pretty easily. So I started paying attention to conversations. It took me a few minutes to sort through the unimportant conversations and pick up the piercing shrills of children. Cheerilee. I had heard that name before, it was the name of a teacher or something. But I had no idea where she lived. Back to wandering.

Thankfully, Pinkie Pie is always incredibly noticeable wherever she goes. It didn't take me long to find her again. Nothing impeded my access to her, and I pushed through the gaggle of kids surrounding her, to find myself face to face with a bloody chicken. After a look, I realized it was Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume. Yup, that's Pinkie Pie for you.

She broke into a smile when she saw me, though. "Navarone! I thought you would be with Twilight and the princess. What are you doing away from them? Or… Or are they hiding nearby, waiting to eat one of us?" The kids looked alarmed at that, and began fruitlessly searching the shadows.

"I thought we had been over this, lass," I said. "Luna is here to make friends. Your fear-mongering and running away with a gaggle of children is not helping."

"But sometimes being scared is fun!"

"Not for the person that you're scared of. Seeing all of you run away screaming cut Luna pretty deeply. She regrets what she became. How is she to go about making friends if every time she tries, ponies flee?"

She hmphed, but thought about it for a few seconds. "Fiiiine!" I nodded and turned to go. "Wait, where are you going?"

I turned back to her. "Princess Luna wants to make friends with these ponies. If she wants to do that, it's best that I'm not anywhere around her. I wasn't involved with any part of Twilight's plot, so I was planning on just sitting back and watching it all unfold from somewhere away from everything."

"Don't you want to make friends with the ponies, too?"

"Not particularly, no." So I told Luna I would try. I say a lot of things. Some of them are true. "If you need me, I might be around. Then again, I might not."

Of course, it's harder to shake Pinkie Pie than that. She continued following me, and with her came the group of kids.
I can be stubborn, too. They all watched as I scaled the wall of a building and lay on the straw roof, eyes to the sky. "You're no fun sometimes, Nav!" Pinkie Pie yelled up at me. The only thing I'm missing is a warm bunny.

From most of the accounts I heard, the night went swimmingly. Luna apparently took my absence well enough. Pinkie Pie handled herself well. Twilight's plans went off without too many hitches, though Rainbow Dash did her best to be a nuisance.

Me, I almost fell asleep on the roof a few times. The occasional thunder from Rainbow Dash kept me awake, thankfully. When most of the ponies had returned to their homes, I descended and landed right next to a light purple pony.

"What were you doing on my roof?" she asked, looking at me with restrained fear.

"Hiding," I answered. "Good night, ma'am."

"Wait," she said. I stopped. "Hiding from what?"

I waved my arm at some of the remaining small groups of children. "Them," I said. "They're afraid of me. So on a night like this, when the main objective is to have fun, I find it is best if I stay out of the way. I shouldn't ruin it for everyone else."

She nodded slowly. I saw she was no longer afraid of me. "Anypony willing to put the enjoyment of others above their own wishes can't be bad. I'll talk to my students about you. Now, I've seen you here and there, and I've heard rumors about you from my students. But what exactly are you?"

"I'm a human. I suppose you are Ms. Cheerilee?"

"That's me. So what's a human?"

"A race of mammals that lives in another dimension remarkably similar to this one. Twilight accidentally summoned me."

"I… see." I don't think she did. "What's your name?"

"Navarone."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Navarone." I nodded, and went on my way. I made it back to Twilight's library with no other interruptions.

There, I was met with a bit of hate. "Where were you all night, Nav?" Twilight demanded.

"On Cheerilee's roof, apparently. Pinkie Pie knew where I was, if you had needed me."

Twilight snorted. "Thankfully, we didn't. Princess Luna handled herself well enough. No thanks to you."

"Twilight, you want her to be accepted. I am not accepted. It was for the best that I not be around for this. I think my part was done well enough just getting her here."

"Nav, sometimes you're just so… ugh!" To be fair, that is a pretty accurate description. "What if part of the plan was to get you accepted as well?"

"I'm fine with being an outcast, actually." I had never been picked up and shaken like a ragdoll before. I don't suggest it; it was not enjoyable. "Feel better?" I asked when she set me down. My head was reeling and I could barely stand.

"Much. I'm going to bed."

I went to bed as well; I was bloody tired, dreams be damned.

Chapter Five—Dammit Rainbow Dash. IE, Sky Rodeo is a go!

A few days later heralded something interesting. And unfortunate, at least as far as I'm concerned.

I was rudely awoken at what I consider the ungodly hour of noon by a loud crash against my window. It should come to no surprise that it was Rainbow Dash.

When I opened the window and she peeled herself off the panes, I said "You know, you really should check to see if these things are closed before you try to fly through them."

"I know, but I was just so excited! I was starting to give up hope about finding anypony interested in any kind of sky rodeo, when I suddenly got several visitors from Canterlot that heard about it somehow and said they were interested! They agreed to help me spread the word, and suddenly I got outpourings of support from just about every avenue! I even heard Princess Celestia herself seemed interested in it!" My heart sunk with every word. The last sentence, though, tipped me off. Dammit, Luna. I suppose that was my punishment for bailing on her.

I managed to put a sickly sort of grin on my face. "Great," I said with every bit of fake enthusiasm I could muster. "When is it planned for?"

"…Planned for?"

"Don't tell me you tried to get people interested in an event you didn't plan any kind of date for."

"Uhhh…"

"So you have this massive outpouring of support, but no real plans. Yeah, this'll be fun. Let's see… Twilight's good at organizing stuff, right? Why don't you ask her for help?"

"Are you saying I can't do it?"

"I'm saying, first, that you didn't do it already, and second, that Twilight is good at organizing. That's it. You wanted to do this silly thing, so it should be your responsibility to plan it out and whatnot, but Twilight is good at this stuff so we could ask her for help." Or if all else fails, we can lie and say it was canceled due to lack of interest…

"Why don't you just organize it?"

"Because I don't know anything about the facilities available, or the dates required, or the fees involved. I'm not a very good organizer or a planner, and I can't use magic to make myself able to stay on clouds long enough to ask the pertinent questions, and even if I could all the Pegasi up there would probably freak out to see a human for the first time, in their territory, without any kind of supervision. Also, I don't really want to."

"Those are mostly good reasons. So, where's Twilight?"

"You woke me up when you slammed into the window. I don't know where she is. Probably in the library or her lab."

"She does get out, you know. Not much, but it happens."

"Both of my statements were probablies, not statements of facts. Shall we go search for her?"

"Sometimes, Navarone, you're just as bad as Twilight."

"Is that an insult or a compliment?"

She pretended to think for a minute, before saying simply, "Yes."

As it turns out, she was in the library, but she wasn't poring over a book. Some random pony was checking out a book, which surprised me; I sometimes forgot that this was actually a library instead of Twilight's personal book storage space. I was also surprised that any of the ponies aside from the intellectuals read anything, but then, my world didn't exactly leave me with much confidence in the intelligence of the common people.

When the redshirt left, Rainbow Dash and I addressed Twilight, but I managed to beat Rainbow Dash to the punch.

"You might want to check the window in my room. It took a bit of a beating this morning. Again."

Twilight just rolled her eyes and Rainbow Dash gave me one of those looks women give men when they promise divine retribution later, in private.

"So Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, "how would you feel about planning something unique and untried?"

"That depends on what it is I'm planning, and what it will require," she answered.

"Rainbow Dash plans a… rodeo, of sorts." I said. "A Sky Rodeo, if you will. I'm to be the victim of choice, as it turns out. I suppose she'll want to do it in the clouds, given the name. I have no idea how much planning will be involved, honestly, not for an event like this might be."

"An event like this might be? What, exactly, are you expecting?" Twilight asked. I looked at Rainbow Dash, who gave a sly smile.

"Wellllll... I heard from a friend who knows a stallion that said Princess Celestia herself seems interested in this event. And I've gotten a huge outpouring of support from the pegasi in Canterlot, so that seems to prove it in a way. And if they spread the word elsewhere, there's no telling how many spectators and participants there'll be! Just think, Twilight: Pegasi from everywhere, all gathered to see me, Rainbow Dash! Even the Wonderbolts might be there!" At this point she somehow—and I still haven't figured out how ponies did this, and I see them do it often—grabbed Twilight with her front hooves and started shaking her back and forth. "You just gotta help me!"

I decided to cut her off before she started gushing any more, and pulled her off Twilight. "In any event," I said, "I fear we can expect a large number of people there, possibly including at least one of the royal family. And Rainbow doesn't know how to plan for something this big, and I wouldn't know where to start planning for something this big. You're the best organizer we know, and I figure you have contacts and ways to get something like this on its feet."

Twilight, still a bit shaken, was silent for a moment. Eventually, she managed, "Sky… rodeo?" I sighed, and nodded my head. She rolled her eyes again and continued, "I'll try to help, but I can make no promises. This sounds like it'll be an interesting event, that's for sure."

Rainbow Dash gushed praises, thanks, and promises of glory, all of which Twilight bore with the nonchalance of someone well used to such effuse displays. I just shook my head and tried to put the fact that I'll be risking my life soon out of my head.

After going back upstairs to get ready for the day—and don't ask what that entails; I still find it hard to get used to some parts of pony world—I decided to take a walk. Not like there's much else for me to do here. For all its peace and quiet, this world, or maybe just this town, was usually really boring. There were some flares of excitement here and there, but it was often just a daily tedium of finding something to amuse yourself long enough to make it to the next day.

But anyway, I went on a walk, hunting for the day's adventure.

Instead of adventure, however, I found Pinkie Pie. I don't know which would be worse, but I know which I was stuck with, at least for the moment.

"So I heard you and Rainbow Dash were planning a competition!" she said to me, very accusatorily.

"And where did you hear such nonsense?" I asked as innocently as I could.

"Oh, I bet you'd like to know! I bet you'd REALLY like to know!"

"Yes, I would. That's why I asked."

"Oh." It's hard to imagine someone that pink blushing, or seeing the blush through the fur, but I've already noticed this world doesn't work like ours. So I saw her blush somehow. "Well, I won't tell you. So, is it true?" she asked, with such a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Technically, we're not planning anything. Twilight is. Rainbow Dash came up with the idea. I'm just an innocent victim of it."

"You? Innocent?" A rare moment of lucidity shined through in the madness that normally surrounds her. "Can I help? Or can I compete?"

"I can answer the second question easier than the first, and that answer is probably not. The first question I can't answer at all, as that would be for Twilight to decide."

"What do you mean, I can't compete!? I'm the best at… whatever it is this competition is about!"

"Maybe if it was partying," I said. Or being insane. "But this is something a bit more dangerous, at least for me. And it's something that requires a third dimension of mobility you genetically lack."

"A third whoosie-what-now?"

"You don't have wings. Wings are required."

"Psh. That's easy! Twilight knows how to make wings!"

"You forget: Twilight will be planning the competition, and that spell is supposedly difficult to cast. She can't afford to be tired during the actual event, in case something big comes up."

"Oh…" She seemed to partially deflate. Watching Pinkie Pie is always a lesson in what I would normally call humanity, but I suppose in this case that doesn't really apply. She's very… expressive, I suppose would be the best word. Every move she makes is full of emotion and meaning, and everything she does seems to be full of life. It's a shame she's bloody insane, or she'd be either a very charismatic leader or at least a very good person to talk to. As it stood, though, she was hard to talk to for long periods of time, because she was always ready to do… anything, I guess, and was always looking to try new things. I swear, she'd be the perfect Slaaneshi cultist. Or the perfect squirrel.

"If nothing else," I said, for some reason trying to cheer her up—that's another thing about her: it's impossible to stand seeing her sad—"you could ask Twilight if you could help with concessions or something. Or planning the after party. I don't really know what something like this would involve."

That seemed to perk her up a bit. "I love planning parties! Do you really think Twilight could use my help?"

If it gets you out of my hair for a bit, why not? "You'd have to ask her." She bounced off to do that. And I do mean bounce: for some reason, her primary mode of transportation is skipping.

I barely managed a few more steps out of the village when I was accosted yet again, this time by a fuzzy ball of fur.

"Sup, Angel?" The rabbit pointed off in a direction in which I assumed he wanted me to follow, and I fell in step behind him.

We weren't walking too long when we ran into Fluttershy, playing with some of the few animals that stay awake through the fall and winter. Honestly, I'm surprised Angel was even up and about, but then what the hell do I know about animals?

"Oh, Navarone, fancy seeing you here…" she said.

"Because you didn't send for me or anything, right?"

"Oh… yeah." Again, a blush. What is it with me today?

"Let me guess: Somehow you heard about the competition, and you want to compete."

"Oh, no! I wouldn't! I'm much too noncompetitive to enter anything like… whatever it is you're doing."

"How do you know we're not planning a shyness competition?"

"Because Rainbow Dash is involved?" Then, realizing what she said, she colored again. "Oh, please don't tell her I said that!" I smiled.

"So, if this isn't about the competition, what did you need?"

"This is about the competition, but not about competing in it. I wanted to know if there was any way I could help."

"You'd have to ask Twilight. But if Twilight says she can't use you, I could use your help in making sure I don't fall to my death. If there's any way you could convince any of your animal friends to make sure I don't crack my skull by falling from the clouds, your help is welcome. I've been promised magical help in that area, but I always prefer to trust in the more mundane methods than any magic." Even if mundane in this case is trusting animals that have a magic connection with a pony to save me.

"I'll be sure to ask Twilight, and I'll see about helping you as well."

"Awesome. You need anything while I'm here, or is that all you called me for?"

"Oh… no. You… um, you scare most of my animals."

"Yeah, I'm good at that. See you around, lass." With that, I took my leave. I started laying down bets in my head for the next one of the group to find me.

For the record, I saw Rarity first, but she was accompanied by Applejack. And, I noticed, the three smaller ponies. I don't know what I'm actually supposed to call them. Apparently all the people here are ponies. None of them ever actually become horses, though, and seem to get annoyed with I call them that. But how, then, am I supposed to distinguish between ponies like Twilight and ponies like Applebloom? Foal? Filly? Colt? Humans have too many bloody names for things.

After making an effort to unscramble their impromptu barrage of questions, I started levying out answers. "Yes, Rarity, I'm well. Just tired. No, Applejack, I'm not that hungry. Scootaloo, I last saw Rainbow Dash at Twilight's library, but I don't know if she's still there. No, Applebloom, I won't help you make a spear and become an Amazon warrior. No, Sweetie Belle, I don't know anything about ancient Roman… Wait, what? How did you… never mind."

"Navarone, just the pony we wanted to see!" Rarity said. Never a good sign.

"I swear, that child isn't mine! I wasn't even in town at the time!" I said. I have to admit, that stumped the hell out of her. I actually registered what she said, then: "Also, I'm not a pony."

Applejack decided to take the reins. "Anyway… We heard you and Rainbow Dash have been planning something big, and we wanted to know if we could help."

"You and everyone else, it appears. I'll tell you what I told Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy: Ask Twilight. She's the one planning this shindig now. Applejack, you can probably help with food supplies or something. Rarity, you can probably… well, I want to forbid you from making costumes, because I'd probably be the one to have to wear it, but you won't listen to me anyway. So I'll tell you this: When you ask Twilight and she says you can help with my costume, don't make it garish. I don't want to be sweating like a pig or dressed brighter than a bloody fruit." She had the grace to look slightly embarrassed, though she also mixed it with a bit of anger. Applejack smiled and the girls giggled.

"Yes. Well. We shall see what Twilight says, then." Rarity stormed off in a huff, and I knew I'd probably regret it, but it was somewhat worth it to rile her up a bit. I foresee sequins in my future… The others stayed for a second, though.

"What about us, Navarone?" Scootaloo asked. "Do you think there's anything we could do to help?"

I remembered stories from Twilight about their act in a school talent show thing. It had not gone well, apparently. "Ask Twilight," is all I said. "She'll know better than I what she needs you for."

The young ones ran off after Rarity, laughing gaily and talking about helping in something of which they don't even know yet.

"So, Navarone, I heard this is some kind of rodeo. Think there's any way I'd be able to compete?"

"As much as I'd like another friendly face that actually cares if I fall to my death involved in the competition, I don't think it's possible. This will probably be in the sky, in whatever the pegasus city is called. Wings will be needed, and they'll probably have to be strong wings, not the delicate stuff that magic apparently makes."

"Well, shoot. And the city up there is called Cloudsdale, by the way." With that, she ran off.

So. Cloudsdale. I finally had a name for the city of my probable death. Such an innocent sounding name for a place where I'll likely meet my doom, but then I suppose all names are innocent sounding until they're drowned in blood and buried in sorrow.

I'll skip over most of the preparations, but some should probably be mentioned. Twilight decided to wait until spring to do the event, so I wouldn't freeze in the atmosphere. It felt like a very long wait, that's for sure.

The night after we press-ganged Twilight into planning the whole debacle, I received another visit from Luna. A very smug-looking Luna. As soon as I saw her face through the window, I was tempted to pretend I was asleep.

She saw me peeking through the window, though, so that plan didn't work out well.

"So, this WAS your fault!" I accused her when I got outside.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just made a few new friends, like you suggested." The very model of innocence. Bah.

"You made a few new friends, and yet you decided to come back to humor little ol' me," I said, trying to somewhat hiding my sarcasm.

"As a princess, I must make even the least important members of my realm feel like they matter. I suppose that means I should start with you, after all!" I am training her way, way too well.

"Okay then, oh wise ruler: What should I do about someone that helped put me in mortal danger?"

"That depends on the level of danger involved, of course. Say, for instance, the danger was only exaggerated and easily staved off, even though it didn't look like that at the time. Should the one that puts you in danger really be punished?"

"I suppose only time will tell. I'll totally haunt you if I die, though. And I won't be nice about it, either."

"When did we start talking about something I did?"

"Oh, yes, because you're completely innocent about getting Rainbow Dash enough support to go through on her bloody annoying plan to get me to fall to my death in front of a massive crowd."

"You're right, I am completely innocent. I don't know what at all would give you the idea that I would be involved!" The level of sarcasm in our speech was getting too much, even for me.

"I don't know, maybe it had something to do with the promises of royal support I heard Rainbow Dash yammering about. Surely the more responsible of the two sisters wouldn't be involved in something as base as this!"

"You're right, I would never condone an act such as this! I really should take Celestia in hoof."

I can't lie, she had me at that line. I busted out laughing, and she followed me shortly after.

Then I sobered and gave her my most serious face possible, which doesn't really look like that much anyway, and said: "I'm serious. I will give Twilight orders to the effect of summoning my soul back to haunt this realm if this kills me. I will scare you for the rest of your life." In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to say to someone that had been locked in solitary confinement for a thousand years.

"Don't worry. With all the magical enchantments you're going to be getting, you will be completely safe. Besides, I'm almost positive you told Rainbow Dash the same thing."

"That might be true, but your life is a lot longer than hers. I can haunt her for the rest of her life, then I can haunt you when she dies."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"No. There are a few things that can catch me off guard. They just don't happen often."

"Maybe one day I'll catch you in one, then."

"It would take something paradigm shifting, I can promise you that. So it's somewhat unlikely that anything you say would both be true and catch me off guard."

She dropped her smile. "Like leaving you when you were promised to be at a festival together?"

"No, that wouldn't catch me too off-guard. I would assume there was a decent enough reason."

"Uh-huh. Do you know what I had to put up with that night?"

"Some manner of fun, I suppose. Or at least, what most ponies consider fun. I'm not a fan of games like what they were offering."

"I suppose it was fun. I really was expecting you to be there, though. Did something important come up?"

"Not really. I just figured it was in your best interest if I wasn't around for when you were trying to make friends. Most of the ponies here are still relatively uncertain about me, so I decided to hang back and watch."

"You could have told me, you know. I would have understood."

"I wasn't expecting to be given the chance so readily. I was going to back off if I needed to later in the night, but then Twilight told me to go hunting after Pinkie Pie. I was already away from the group at that point, so I decided to just save some time and stay away."

"An answer for everything," she muttered. "Well, the night did go well." She told me a bit about it. I think she was trying to make me jealous.

"I'm glad you had a good time, Princess. And I'm glad you're making more friends."

"What, tired of me already?" I couldn't tell if she was being serious.

"I don't remember saying that. You are always welcome here, if you want to talk. I'll not say no to the company. If I'm asleep when you come by I might not be as welcoming, but if it's important just wake me up."

"I'll remember that." We talked a bit more, but nothing I feel like recording.

"What do you need, little fillies?"

"We're just wondering what we could do to help for this event, whatever it is," Applebloom told me. "Twilight said there was nothing we could do, Applejack just told us that we were too small, and Rarity seemed too busy to even notice us!" Well, at least now I know what I can call them.

"We scared Fluttershy's animals when we tried asking her what to do, so we left before we made too much of a mess there. Pinkie Pie seemed to like the idea of help, but got too preoccupied to ever say exactly what she needed help with!" Sweetie Belle contributed.

"And Rainbow Dash is too busy 'practicing,'" Scootaloo added, to finish the list.

"You always have the option of not getting involved at all," I said, perhaps letting more than a small hint of hope into my voice.

"But what if there's something we could do to help us get our cutie marks?" Applebloom asked.

"Hm. I'm not actually doing anything to prepare, other than answering questions as they come. If you really want, I can tell you of the power of managerial oversight," I whispered in conspiratorial tones.

"That sounds… boring," Sweetie Belle said.

"Dreadfully so, at times, but it's also usually pretty easy and yet the most important part of any assignment," I said.

"If it's that important," Scootaloo started, "then surely it's something that we could do! For we are," and this they all said together, in a somewhat disturbing unison: "THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

Oh lord… "The secret is basically this: Wander around the work areas of others, pretend to know what you're doing, and if you're asked any questions, make up a seemingly legitimate sounding answer and hope the specialist you're watching over buys it. The goal of the manager is to make the people working under them seem confident that they are being watched over by someone who cares for them and their problems. It's a way of inspiring morale, you could say. It's often a thankless job, but a necessary one." Thank God none of these ponies knows how to tell when I'm lying.

"That really does sound boring…" Applebloom muttered.

"Aye, it is somewhat boring at times. But it is, as I said, necessary." And if it keeps you from interfering with things that might keep me alive, all the better.

"Well, never let it be said we didn't try EVERYTHING we could to get our cutie marks," Sweetie Belle said.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, ASSEMBLE! ASSUME MANAGERIAL DUTIES!"

As they ran off, I couldn't help but wonder if I had just signed my death warrant.

"Twilight, you need any of my help for this thing?"

"Do you know how to quiet a recalcitrant business owner about prices of certain things I need?"

"Yes, if you don't mind me using excessive force. I know quite a bit about extortion and forcing price fixes."

"Every time I talk to you, I get a little more scared about what your world was like."

"I can honestly, honestly understand that. Is there anything else you might need help with?"

"I think we're pretty much covered on all our bases. I'm doing the planning, Applejack is apparently getting the food, Rarity is making your costume—which I'm sure you'll love!—I don't know exactly what Fluttershy is doing, but she seems convinced she's helping somehow, and Pinkie Pie is planning the after party and parade."

"What's this about a parade?"

"Oh, you haven't heard? Apparently both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will be attending this event, so it will practically require a parade of some kind. That's the way royalty works, I'm afraid. I'm surprised Princess Luna didn't mention it in your talks with her."

"I'm beginning to think Luna has it in for me. She forced this event, somehow."

"Navarone, you're just being paranoid. Even if she did have a bout with crazy a little while ago, she's completely fine now. According to the letters I get from Princess Celestia, you're one of Luna's closest friends! That's really something to be proud of, you know."

"The best part about being friends with royalty is that it makes you a target for anyone wanting any kind of advantages. Thankfully, there doesn't appear to be many violent ponies in your world; I have a low chance of being kidnapped here." Again, I mean.

"You're not making me feel any better about your world. Now leave me be for a bit. I need to talk with some more ponies, see about getting some things accomplished."

"Rarity, if I could think of something very painful that I could legally do to you, I would be very quick to do it. You know perfectly well how I like to dress, even though I know you like to pretend you don't."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about! This is a wonderful outfit! Look how it glitters and shines! It's so colorful! You'll be in the eyes of the entire crowd! And they'll all know who designed your beautiful outfit…"

The object in question was… gaudy is too weak of a word. Extravagant comes closer, but still doesn't quite do it justice. Imagine something Bill Gates would wear if he was a dick that wanted everyone to know he was on top. I mean, this thing was actually socketed with jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, the whole gauntlet of precious stones were sewn into this thing. I could feed Africa for years if I had something like this in our world. And she wanted me to wear it. It was painful to look at, even in the dim light of her shop, for it sparkled so.

"I'm afraid I won't be wearing something like that. Can you imagine what Twilight would say if she saw the cost of that thing on the bill this is going to raise?"

"Oh, Navarone, don't be silly! This is a favor for a friend! Twilight commissioned something like this."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"She wasn't exactly specific of the details, mind, but I think I captured the essence of her request quite well. And if you truly hate it, you can just return it after the event! Besides, you haven't even tried it on yet."

I only regret this universe doesn't have any discernible tobacco. I've never been a smoking or a drinking fellow, but these ponies... I keep finding myself in need of some kind of stress reliever when dealing with them.

Long story short, I tried the bastard on and damn near cut myself on some of the pointier edges of the jewels. If nothing else, Rarity is good at fitting clothes: it was very comfortable. My grudging acceptance of the outfit was met only by that small smile Rarity shows when she gets her way. In the preceding months, I have been the cause of that smile too many times, and I've had a want to wipe it off her smug face on more than one occasion, but I've since managed to still my hand.

"You can take the bugger back after the competition. Lord knows I'll probably never put it back on." This was met by another smile. This lass was really, really starting to make me think of some of the women in a series of books I once read. It was not a favorable comparison for her.

"Oh, hello Navarone," Fluttershy said as I approached. "We meet once again."

"That seems to happen a lot when you send someone out to get me," I returned.

"Yeah, well, you know. Anyway, I think I've made some headway into helping you."

"You found some animal friends that would help me as a last resort?"

"Well, sort of."

"You're not inspiring me with confidence here, lass."

"The butterflies that saved me when I fell from Cloudsdale were more chance than plan. It's hard to get such fickle creatures to do what you want, or to stay in one place on guard for a while. I've asked what birds I can find for help, but there aren't that many of them here while winter is still going strong. I'll have a better answer in spring, but there's a problem there."

"Aye, I understand." The event was planned in the spring. Most of the birds return in the spring, yes, but most wouldn't have been exactly used to my presence. Those that would happily help Fluttershy might recoil at the thought of helping one such as I.

"There is one thing you could do to help, though," she said.

"Oh? I admit that I know little about animals, but anything that helps me survive is doable in my book."

"There is an event at the end of winter, called Winter Wrap Up. If you were to help me during that event, the animals would have more of a chance to get to know you."

"I've heard Twilight talking about that, actually." Trust me when I say that it's a lot easier to imagine ponies with wings playing around with clouds than it is to actually see them do it. I almost freaked out when I saw Rainbow Dash rearranging clouds the first time. I had heard they could do it and I thought I had prepared myself, but then holy shit she's moving the fucking clouds with her hooves what the hell man. It's a sobering moment. And to see them do it on such a grand scale? It would be an amazing moment, one I was looking forward to seeing.

"There's only one big problem to deal with about you helping, though. We have to ascertain the technicalities of… well, your existence, basically. Would you helping technically be considered magic, since you were summoned using magic? Or are you mundane enough to be allowed to help?" The ponies here in Ponyville didn't use any manner of magic during Winter Wrap Up, due to some stupid tradition or something.

"I honestly don't know the answer to that. I suppose it's more a philosophical than it would be a practical question. How about I just put on a badge and help, and if someone calls me on it we can talk about it then?"

"That seems like it might be cheating, though!"

"And?"

"That would be wrong!"

"…and? I'm failing to see a problem here."

"I keep forgetting you're not one of us. Your culture is so… strange!"

And so it was resolved that I would help Fluttershy come Winter Wrap Up.

"Pinkie Pie, I don't do the whole 'party' scene. I don't care what you base the after party off of. I'll be happy enough to be alive afterwards," I told her, for the umpteenth bloody time. To be honest, after seeing the preparations being made to make sure I don't plummet to my death, I was feeling pretty confident, but I still liked to mention the fact that my life was technically at risk. "Use whatever bloody theme you want. And I don't mean 'bloody' literally, I mean it as an expletive."

"What do you mean, you don't party? You've been to all the ones that I've invited you to!" she answered, not untruthfully.

"Yes, I have, but in some cases that was under duress and on other occasions it was because I was bloody bored of my own company. The only thing I do at parties is make a beeline for the food, attempt to avoid awkward small talk, and then wait patiently near a wall for it to end."

"Well, that's no fun! What if I threw you a party and forced you to have fun?"

"I'd lose my cool and bad, bad things would happen. The last person that tried that was lucky enough to wake up in a back alley in Tijuana, naked and reeking of bad Tequila, with nothing but a few horrifying recollections of a missing week and a bad taste in their mouth as any indication of what happened. I don't even want to talk about where I ended up."

"What's Tijuana? And what's Tequila?"

"They're both the worst things you could possibly imagine. Or at least, Tijuana is. You can ask Rainbow Dash about Tequila. Just tell her it's alcohol..."

"Humans are weird!"

Aside from all the other stuff I had to put up with, Rainbow Dash demanded as much of my time as I was unable to provide decent excuses for not giving. I ain't gonna lie: I found myself hating—nay, despising—the blinding rainbow flash coming towards me, no matter where I tried to hide. That bloody lass had some kind of tracker on me, or something. I tried being smart one day and hiding at the bottom of a lake, with an air tube sticking up to the top. She pulled me out of the water by the air tube! But I digress. We practiced, if you could call it that. We did a bit of rodeo stuff, yes, but a lot of stuff she had me doing was falling with her catching me.

When I pointed out that this seemed to be counterproductive to the point of the competition, this little discourse happened:

"What, do you really want to risk falling to your death? I thought that's what you wanted to avoid, remember?"

"While that is true, there will apparently be enough enchantments on me that it won't really be a problem." I had decided not to mention Fluttershy's fallback, since I figured it would probably be an unneeded resource anyway. I didn't want to be accused of being paranoid or that I didn't have faith in the magic that was meant to save me.

"Do you really want to take that chance?"

"You are also assuming you're going to be the one to rescue me. I figured there would be special pegasi set aside for something like that, pegasi that aren't competing."

"Look, it's just a speed test, okay? It's not every day that I get somepony willing to be a living test of how fast I am!"

"…If we weren't doing this over a lake I would never help you again."

And that pretty much ended the matter. To be fair, though, she only let me fall all the way once, and during that she got hurt worse than I did.

A lot more things happened in these few months, but most of them aren't really worth writing down. Or rather, my part in them was so negligible that I don't see many of them worth recording in full.

Some weird unicorns came to Applejack's farm near the end of fall, during something called the Apple Cider Season or something. I knew right off the bat that they were greasy con artists and that nothing good would come of them, but no one listens to me. When I was proven right, the ponies conveniently forgot that I had mentioned it at all.

Near Christmas in my time, the girls and Spike went off to Canterlot to do some play. I was left in town.

Rainbow Dash got hurt during one of her practice sessions with me, and I ended up landing in the bloody lake and getting a pretty serious bruise. She spent a few days in the hospital and if Twilight had her way I would have ended up at the vet; the doctor couldn't treat me since I wasn't a pony. When Twilight started leading me to the vet, I said hell no. I'm not a bloody animal. Thankfully, I heal quickly.

On Valentine's Day of my world, and what is here called Hearts and Hooves Day, the fillies tried to get me involved in a scheme that went massively awry. I had been helping Twilight that day, and as soon as they borrowed a book from her that had a love poison recipe, I knew something bad was going to happen. I predicted it, but Twilight blew the warning off. Then they gave the poison to their teacher and Big MacIntosh and it all went to hell. I'll admit, it was pretty funny watching the two of them gush over each other, but it was also wrong. The wee little lasses fixed it, which was some good points in their favor, but it still never should have happened.

Winter wrap up went well enough. Since I knew Luna had her own preparations to take care of, I was able to get a full night's sleep. I managed to avoid nightmares, thankfully. At least, until I got outside.

When I finally managed to scrub the sleep out of my eyes, I rendezvoused with Twilight and Spike just as they were getting ready to step into the early morning light.

"So, why do we have to wake up so early for this, again?"

"Because if we don't get started now, we won't get finished on time. Remember, Navarone, I'll be busy for most of the day. Just go to Fluttershy and she'll give you your instructions."

"Whatever, lass. Just don't make me wear one of those bloody vests and I'll be okay."

"Technically, you're supposed to wear them. But since you're the only human here and you know where you're supposed to be anyway, I don't guess it matters for you."

We were opening the door, when I turned to Spike. "What's your job today, anyway?"

"Oh, you know, ju—" he was cut off by song. Spontaneous song. I know, because I asked Twilight beforehand if I was supposed to know any songs for this so I could know when to hide.

What. The. Dick. "Spike, are they fucking singing? Tell me the whole village is not spontaneously breaking into song."

"That happens a lot, actually. Something about magic in the air or something. I never really pay attention when Twilight tries to explain it. If you want to avoid its effects, you better hurry away from the area."

Damn straight I wanted to avoid its effects. I don't sing. Hell, in some places back home, I wasn't legally allowed to sing.

Twilight joined in the song at that point, walking out into the village. Spike followed her, being used to it by now and being relatively immune to its effects. I booked it down the road, away from the impromptu carolers. I was almost out of direct sight when a lull opened up in the song where a masculine sounding voice should probably be filling in. No, no, no!

Somehow, I ended up turned around and facing the other way, and I skidded to a halt with all the ponies on the street looking at me with an expectant look in their eyes. Spike was stifling laughter. I could feel an impulse come over me, but some vestiges of my inner human rage and spirit stomped them down. A fight was visible on my face, I was later told, and it was a fight I obviously won. I managed to force out the words "I don't fucking sing. Bugger off," before I managed to turn around and arrogantly stride away. The ponies sighed and suddenly shook, as though a spell had been broken. I'm a bad person, but I've learned to live with that.

Working with Fluttershy was apparently rather routine. The leather gloves I managed to hold onto from the beginning served me well against a few of the animals that were irate at being woken up by what they probably thought was a hairless monkey. I've noticed the ponies here don't make leather, which I guess makes sense, as they're so pacifistic. One of those days I was planning on going into the forest, killing the first thing stupid enough to attack me, and tanning the hide for a leather cloak, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. Don't know where I'd get that much salt, anyway.

But yeah, we succeeded in getting all the animals awake on time through some interesting bell system that honestly took longer to set up than waking up each animal individually would have. Apparently it was designed by a person afraid of half of the animals that were being awakened or something, which I thought was silly. I'd have rather had a blow horn and just tooted it off a few times, but whatever.

We finished in enough time for the small team to break off and help other groups. Since Fluttershy is kind of a crappy flier and too weak to help Applejack's group, she went off help Rarity make bird nests.

I took one look at my options and decided I had done enough for one day. I hated ice skating and only had two feet anyway, so I'd be less efficient at that task. And Pinkie Pie hated my sledgehammer and my fire ideas. I wasn't strong enough to help Applejack with the plows—and she hated my flamethrower idea. I took one look at Rarity's setup and walked on. I was useless to Rainbow Dash, as I had no wings. Twilight knew what she was doing and had an elite cadre of pegasus runners waiting for any orders to be sent out or brought in. I could have tried to provide moral support, but after my performance that morning, I figured they might all feel better if I just disappeared for a spell. So that was pretty much that. The event was finished on time and it was finally spring. Just like that and I never needed to wear a coat outside again.

My birthday came and went unremarked by all with the coming and going of March. It's much easier to not tell anyone of such things, so they don't make a fuss about it.

I'll fast forward a few months, to the day before the competition. Twilight was going over the spells she would need to cast for the event. Fluttershy was making sure her animal friends would be ready in a worst case scenario. Rarity was fretting over her—my, I suppose—costume, suddenly finding dozens of things wrong with it. Spike was apparently doting on Rarity and fighting the temptation to eat the costume—which I wouldn't have minded. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were already in Cloudsdale, setting their parts up. Rainbow Dash was a nervous wreck, which would have done wonders for my confidence if I had actually been awake at the time. I asked Twilight to put me asleep for twenty four hours, giving me six hours to get ready for the festivities that would start the event. Apparently being the 'star' of the show means I have to spend five and a half hours longer to get ready for something than I need, since she refused to give me any more time than that.

When I finally woke up, the first thing I saw was the nervous face of one Twilight Sparkle. Before she could say anything, I bemused aloud, "You know what I miss about home? Toothpaste. And a proper tooth brush. This crap I have to use now is just not cutting it at all!"

"We don't have time for that, Navarone! I forgot to teach you how to behave around the Princess!"

"Bow, scrape, call her Princess instead of majesty or queen, dot my I's and cross my T's, stuff like that?"

"It's a lot more than that! There's an entire system of etiquette for it! Especially if you're going to be standing near them in the parade!"

"Look, lass, from what you've told me of Celestia—Princess Celestia, excuse me—she's a really nice lady. If I screw up somewhere, I'm sure she won't order my head removed. From stories I've heard, she'd probably laugh it off and think it a refreshing novelty. And I'm pretty down with Luna, so I don't think there will be any problems in that respect."

"You don't understand, this isn't merely a social setting! This is a huge event! There will be an entire crowd! You have to follow proper form!"

"Just tell them I'm a human and we have our own customs. That's true enough. Part of the basis of my own culture is that no man is above another man for any reason. Treat others how you want to be treated, all that mess. I'll be polite and they'll be polite in turn. What more obeisance is needed than that?"

"They're royalty!"

"And? In my world, royal blood sheds just as easily as the regular stuff, once you're able to get to it."

"What you don't seem to understand is that you're not in your world anymore! You can't expect to get anywhere by following rules that no longer apply! You have to learn to do things our way now, since from all appearances you aren't going back! Now, are you going to learn how to treat the Princesses, or do I have to tell Rarity to make your costume even more ridiculous?" I'm not going to lie, that really, really stung; that costume was terribly ridiculous, and anything more would just be too much to bear.

"I knew you thought it was ridiculous!" So instead of spending five hours relaxing, half an hour getting ready, and thirty minutes getting into position, I spent three hours longer than I needed learning stuff that wasn't important, one hour learning stuff that might have actually been important, one full hour getting ready—Rarity got herself involved, half an hour getting into position, half an hour waiting and sweating in a bloody hot costume, half another hour waiting for the inevitable delays to get sorted out, then half an hour for the bloody royalty to finally show up and take their positions. Luna gave me a conspiratorial wink as she settled in, while Celestia gave me a long and appraising look. I noticed first that Luna's mane was no longer moving.

And when I first saw Princess Celestia, my mouth dropped. I don't think there's anything better to describe the absolute shock when I saw her. Luna is a bit bigger than most of the rest of the ponies, aside from maybe Big MacIntosh—she can actually look me in the eyes with no problem. But while the rest of the ponies were just that, ponies, Celestia was actually a horse, it appeared. And her mane flowed. It was somehow constantly moving, and was full of light pastel colors. Her body was bright white, with a cutie mark of a sun. Her wingspan easily doubled that of any Pegasus I had seen. But the most surprising thing, the most awe inspiring thing, were her big, pink eyes. Kindness, wisdom, and a literal feeling of warmth flowed through them. I felt like she could see every bad thing I had ever done, every evil thought I had ever had, every filthy impulse my mind construed, she knew it all… and forgave it. Knew everything about me and was still able to love me. It was like what I thought meeting Jesus would be like. And suddenly I understood why Twilight was so worried about getting me to understand proper etiquette for this. It wasn't for Princess Celestia's sake or Twilight's sake, it was for my own. I found myself—my unworthy, sinful self—wanting to pay respect to this creature.

And just as suddenly as I felt her gaze upon me, I felt it part, and I found myself shamed by my thoughts. Who was I to be brought so low by merely a gaze? I steeled myself for the inevitable conflict I foresaw in my near future, only to find myself not having needed to at all. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both bent their heads slightly to me, as one would an equal. Shocked, I returned the gesture before my rational mind could process it. I could tell everyone in the crowd was equally shocked when I did return it, and from what Spike told me later Twilight looked like she was about to have a stroke. Then I realized, oh shit, I just shattered etiquette. When they did that, I was supposed to bow or something, not return the gesture as an equal. Celestia and Luna took it in stride, however, and the parade began in earnest. The crowd remained shocked until the cart thing we were on started moving, when they starting applauding and whatnot. It's a lot easier for Pegasi, who have wings, to applaud than it is for most ponies, but it still sounded odd to my ears, probably because it was more of a clopping sound than a clapping sound. Even though I realized none of the applause was for me, I still found myself getting caught up in the parade. I can't describe our positions in it, as I was really too 'in the moment' to pay that much attention. I went where I was told to go and that was that.

The next thing I remember was standing in front of the two princesses as they each cast a spell of protection on me. Celestia cast a spell of endurance on me, so that if I did impact the ground I wouldn't die, and so I would be harder to wear out. Luna cast a spell of slow fall on me, so Celestia's spell would probably be unnecessary anyway. This was on top of a layer of spells cast by Twilight earlier in the day. One allowed me to walk on clouds, one was a common healing spell to make sure I was in perfect shape, and she didn't tell me what the last one was for, so I just assumed it was for the best and left it alone.

To be blunt, the competition kind of sucked. I mean, it was a rodeo, simple as that. Apparently Twilight had the foresight to get together with Applejack and plan some side shows like clowns and whatnot, and they invited a few buffalo that were enchanted with wings to join the fun, but my part in it was pretty simple and fairly dull: Hang on for dear life for as long as you can, and when you fall don't panic long enough for someone to retrieve you. And hope each time that the Pegasus on rescue duty comes to get you, or else you'll be slowly falling to the ground.

When I was on the last contestant, some male Pegasus whose name I didn't pay attention to, I realized something was wrong. I didn't know exactly what, but I knew something just screwed up. I tried to get the guy's attention, but he was too busy trying to knock me off. In desperation, I did my best to hang on for longer than usual, but to no avail. The extra endurance I had been gifted was gone. With it, I found, all the other enchantments were gone as well.

I fell like a stone. I looked down and had time to realize that it was a beautiful view before I realized I was falling to my death with—if physics was correct—almost no chance of survival. A part of my brain kicked itself for not being able to survive to say "I told you so," while the other part recoiled in absolute horror. I don't remember screaming, but I might have. The last thing I remembered was thinking, Why the hell didn't I just bring a parachute? At least I should be saved by a pony of good repute.

Chapter Six—Aftermath.

Two days later I woke up to pain, looked around, saw Rainbow Dash's worried face looking back at me, weakly gave her the finger, and passed out again.

A day later I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better. Apparently my visitor of the hour was Pinkie Pie. The story of what happened was related to me, but since I'm writing this while still in a bit of pain, I'll skip the added details of Pinkie's embellishments and silliness and relate it directly.

As soon as I fell off the back of the Pegasus and everyone realized something bad was going on, Rainbow Dash and Luna apparently both took off to try to save me. Both their attempts broke down when they crashed into each other right underneath me and started falling themselves. So everyone in the stands was just sitting there, watching us fall to our deaths, when suddenly Fluttershy pulls up alongside us with a giant flock of birds, somehow grabs us all, kicked physics in the nads, and brought us all to a hospital or something. Of course Rainbow Dash and Luna were okay, because fuck you physics, but when my fall was arrested by the birds I apparently broke some ribs or something and was bleeding internally.

The Pegasus on duty that was supposed to rescue me was found unconscious, with a glass of odd smelling water—though how the glass was still on the clouds I don't know. He also had a lump on his head, as if whatever was in the water wasn't enough. I had several suspicions of what went wrong, but at the time I was alive and that was good enough.

And if you're wondering why I was still in pain after I was healed, apparently healing an injury as bad as I had takes more energy than can be done in one sitting, so it took several days for me to feel perfectly well again. When I finally did get better, the first thing I did was hug Fluttershy. She was surprised at that, and her wings flared before she could control them.

After that, I fought with the idea of trying to find the person responsible for my almost death. I decided against it when I realized that to take up the investigation would probably mean going back to Cloudsdale. Apparently my performance there made me a bit of a star to the ponies up there, so there's no way in hell they would let something like that happen again, but there was also no way in hell I would be taking my feet that far off of solid ground again.

Right after I hugged Fluttershy and left for home, I got ambushed by a speeding Rainbow Dash in a flying glomp attack that almost sent me back to the hospital, and definitely ended in us both in the dirt. Amidst profuse apologies and wailed could-have-beens, a more complete story began to knit together. Apparently it was Rainbow Dash that added the knot on the head of the rescuer, in an attempt to look good in being the first and fastest person to react to my falling. Her reasoning was that I was never in any danger, as the spells would have saved me if she hadn't been able to get to me for some reason.

Which made the conspiracy against me all the more interesting. There had to be more than one person involved in it, since something had to have removed the spells and someone had to have slipped the guy a knockout herb.

Her confession also put me in an interesting circumstance. But I'm a sucker for teary-eyed faces, sadly. "Lass, I think you've had punishment enough. Your event was apparently a basic failure and you crashed into a princess trying to 'save' me. I don't think it can get more embarrassing than that."

And just when I thought I was going to be able to be on my feet for a while, I was thrown off them again by another flying hug tackle. Curse my forgiveness. And curse really bony ponies. At least my earlier prediction about pony-glomps was proven false: No bones were broken.

As it turns out, however, the event actually wasn't a total failure. After being assured I was still alive—if injured and unable to return to the event—Celestia took things ably in hand and crowned the winners. She had to improvise a bit, since the planned ceremony was kind of hard without me, her sister, and the first prize winner there, but she did well enough, from all accounts.

And of course Pinkie Pie's party went over splendidly, though most of Twilight's cadre left shortly before it began, and Princess Celestia wasn't far behind. After all, royalty was hurt.

I eventually managed to trick Rarity into taking the costume back, by saying that it was damaged in the fall, and then 'forgetting' to pick it up ever again until she just stopped mentioning it.

And of course, none of the little fillies got their cutie marks. But I'm beginning to find that this is a bit of a foregone conclusion when dealing with them. I am somewhat saddened that they can't figure out something so obvious as what they're good at and what they like doing is what they are supposed to do, but Twilight has asked me in the past not to tell them to stop being twits.

Luna came by the night after I healed. Before she could open her mouth, I said, "Sorry for disappointing you. No eternal haunting for you, it appears."

"That's all you have to say? You almost died!"

"The key word there is almost. And no, it isn't all I have to say, but it's all I'm going to say. At least two someones tried to kill me and one has already been dealt with. And no, I won't tell you who that someone was."

"What makes you think there was more than one pony involved? Or that it was a murder attempt anyway?"

"Because someone removed the spells, someone clubbed the rescuer on the back of the head, and someone gave him some sleeping herbs. I know who did one of the things to the guard, but I don't know who did the other two."

"Are you going to keep looking for the pony guilty?"

"A year ago, the answer to that would have been a definite yes. I would have found the people responsible and they would have paid. But now… Well, I survived. And I have their number, now. I know someone is out to get me, and that means I'll be careful. I'll watch, but that's all. I won't actively hunt."

"I'm glad to know you're learning something from us, but are you sure that's wise?"

"No, I'm not sure it's wise. But that's what I'm going to do."

"If you're sure, I won't push you. The royal investigators we had looking into it couldn't find much anyway."

We talked of inconsequential matters, until Luna got ready to depart. "My sister seemed somewhat impressed by you, Navarone. She told me that she wanted to meet you in person. So don't seem too surprised if you get a royal notice soon about coming to Canterlot."

"You mean she wasn't pissed about my mistake in the parade?"

"Your mistake? We thought you did that on purpose, to show that humans considered everyone equals."

"See, that's what I told Twilight! And she said that wouldn't fly here! Heh, I wonder what she'll say when I tell her you said that."

"I didn't say it was smart, just that that was what we thought it was for. I'll be sure to tell Princess Celestia before she sends for you. She'll probably change her messenger from an axepony to a courier."

Before I could respond, she took off. I just don't know what to make of these ponies. Sometimes they just make me want to drink.

The invitation actually arrived the next day, by way of Spike. I was still asleep at the time, and fighting my way through another dream. I wasn't allowed to suffer its completion, though, since Twilight took it upon herself to wake me when the letter arrived.

"Look, lass, I know this is probably important or something, but did it really require waking me up?"

"It's a letter from the princess to you! Of course it's important!"

"First off, which princess? Second, couldn't you have just read it and then responded how you thought I would have? Though, thinking about it, that might well get me put to death."

"It's from Princess Celestia. And I did read it, but only because I automatically assumed it would be to me and thus didn't look at the outside before opening it."

"Where I come from, that's a felony. What did it say? Do I get some money for almost dying?"

"This is no time for joking! I have to get you ready for a trip to Canterlot!"

"Oh yeah, Luna mentioned something about that last night. Apparently Celestia was impressed or something, and decided it was about time to meet me in person. I don't reckon you have any sunglasses or something I could use to avoid meeting her eye-to-eye, do you?"

"What? No! There's no time for that! Your transportation arrives tomorrow, and I have to teach you how to act around her!"

"I thought you already did teach me how to act around her."

"Yeah, and look how badly you botched that up! Besides, that was for a public occasion. This visit will mostly be in private. After a formal apology ceremony to show that the Princesses feel terrible about letting their spells fail and almost kill you, you're to have dinner with them and a few other small things."

"Great, free food. Who else is going?"

"Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, according to the letter. Rainbow Dash, for the crown of the actual competition and for you to publicly thank her for trying to save you, and Fluttershy so you can thank her for actually saving you."

"I've already dealt with both of them in person, actually. And I'm pretty sure Fluttershy would be very averse to the attention. Think we could tell the princesses to chill on the thanks and to just give Rainbow Dash her trophy thing? And I also don't really need an apology anyway. Accidents happen, I suppose, and I'm still alive anyway."

"It's publicity, Navarone. You can't fight this. You and Fluttershy both will have to get over your aversion for public settings. I'm sure Rainbow Dash, at least, will enjoy the acclaim." I wouldn't be so sure about that, if I know anything about shame.

"So we're leaving tomorrow. When is this shindig set to happen? And are you going?"

"In a week. You're leaving tomorrow so you can prepare for the ceremonies and meet the princesses beforehand. And I can't go. Princess Celestia sent another letter asking me to work on a special project for her."

"Oh yeah, this is definitely a publicity thing. I thought these two were the leaders for life already anyway. Why do they need to do this crap?"

"It's to show everypony that they care." And just like that, I was back into it again. When I showed the letter to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, they both acted about as I expected them to: Fluttershy was flustered and denying the fact that she deserved any honor, and Rainbow Dash was pumped up for all of about five seconds before she realized that she almost got me killed and I had to publicly thank her for it.

So it was a very morose party that greeted the chariot that arrived the next day. Why Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash needed a chariot was beyond me, and if I was given free reign I'd have rather walked there, but I managed to hold my fears in check. My face was apparently rather wan, though, and Rainbow Dash remarked on it, laughing, before I gave her a very evil glare.

"I'm sorry, the last time I was this high in the air I was on a direct collision course with the ground. Forgive me a bit of wariness now that I'm forced back into the heights."

There was no more conversation on the way there.

The fanfare of our entering the city was practically nonexistent. Honestly, I don't know the point of this whole ceremony; most of the ponies that saw the events in question were Pegasi, and most of them were in Cloudsdale. And there was no TV here to record the process so that everyone could see it. I honestly figured it was just pretence for Princess Celestia to meet me face to face without alarming much suspicion, but that seemed a bit self-centered to me.

The Pegasi pulling the chariot dropped us off near the palace, and a short walk took us the rest of the way. We were quickly ushered into a small sitting room. I don't know why it was called a sitting room, as I don't recall there being any chairs; not many ponies sat down that often. There were at least a few sofas that I've seen ponies occasionally lounge in. There were a few book cases lining the walls, and a massive window covering the back wall, looking into some gardens. We were on the first floor.

I was just looking out the window and wondering if it was large enough for me to sneak out of when Princess Celestia unceremoniously walked in. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy stopped their little conversation about a bird called Philomena and bowed. I didn't notice her step in, and asked without looking, "Rainbow Dash, you think I could get out this window without anyone noticing?"

Celestia answered for her: "Why, Navarone? Are you so eager to escape from us? As highly as my sister speaks of you, I thought you'd be completely nonplussed at meeting me!"

I'm not going to lie: As soon as I heard her voice I turned around so fast I almost fell down, and turned a very brilliant shade of crimson. "Oh, uh, no!" I tried to remember what was outside the window, and recalled it was a garden of some kind. "I just wanted a closer look at some of the plants outside…" It was a feeble excuse, and the weak tone of voice I had when saying it pretty much gave me away, but she didn't comment on it.

She turned to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. "If you want to see Philomena, I think she's in the aviary. I could have somepony take you there, if you want to go. I know she still thinks of you, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy looked down and answered, "Oh, um, that would be… nice. If it's okay with you, I mean." Oh God, I can see where this is going. I started thinking about that window again, wondering if I could maybe get through it before she managed to send Rainbow Dash away.

Thankfully, though, Rainbow Dash seemed to realize what was going on. When Celestia asked if she wanted to go with Fluttershy, she was politely told no. I smiled to myself, before Celestia managed to ruin that. "I think I heard the Wonderbolts were practicing around that area today. You might run into a few of them if you go. But if you're sure…" Before she could even finish her sentence, Rainbow Dash was gone. Dammit.

"You know," I said, "that does sound interesting. I think I'll follow them…"

"Nonsense!" I was told. "We're going to have a conversation, you and I."

I leaned back against the wall I was standing near and assumed my most arrogantly nonchalant stance. I was starting to feel a bit hunted. "What kind of conversation did you have in mind?"

"Preferably a polite one. You obviously aren't used to showing deference to anypony, and I'm much the same. It will be nice to have an actual conversation with somepony instead of me ordering somepony to do something or having to listen to Twilight's stories." I knew someone else had to think Twilight's tales were boring. Occasionally, at the end of some event or something, she would spin out some kind of Aesop or something about how friendship relates to the situation we had just been in. I tune her out when she starts blathering on about that. Celestia continued, "It has been a long time since I was able to actually talk to somepony."

"And here I was thinking you would order me killed for being arrogant. Name your topic, then, and let us converse. Forgive me a lack of experience in some matters, however. I don't have a few thousand years to go on."

I'll skip over the conversation. It started at morality, went to philosophy, delved into human mentality versus pony mentality, dipped into the little physics I still remembered, dived into calculus, sauntered into some minor astrophysics theory, somehow meandered from there into underwater basket weaving, touched on modern human medicine, and finally ended on my impressions of some of the people I had met so far in Equestria.

"You know, Twilight's my star student, and I feel like I should defend her, but you pretty much nailed her spot on," Celestia laughed. "I had some idea of what to expect from you," she said on a more serious note, "but letters from Twilight and talks with Luna really don't do it justice. If you are anything like the rest of your species, which I've heard tell you say you aren't, I wouldn't complain to see more of them here."

"You might not, but I would. Technically, according to some theories, my home literally doesn't exist anymore. But I still can't help but think that somewhere, my family is missing me and wondering what the hell happened to me, and how I just completely disappeared out of my room. And some people are a lot closer to their family than I was. If you started taking more of them away, some of those people would resent you for it, and try to get back at you for it. And there is no force in the multiverse stronger than a group of humans plotting revenge. You may think you're immortal now, but piss some people off where I come from and you'd find out for sure. And if you are, you might end up wishing you weren't. And that's not to mention what I'll do if you kidnap more people."

She smiled at that, oddly. "An interesting response. So, what do you say to being alone here? The only human in our world. A very lonely position, I must imagine."

"I settled for being alone a long time before I got to this world, lass. Ending up here just reaffirmed that belief."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Back where I come from, I was nothing special at all. I didn't have the looks to get the shallow girls or the patience to get the smart ones. I've always been able to make everyone laugh, but that doesn't count for anything when your only humor is situational. I've always been good at talking and listening, but that doesn't help you get a date, it only helps the date go smoother. I was, in many cases, the second runner up; I don't know if you have the term 'friendzone' here, but I was the master at ending up there. I couldn't even count the number of times I heard 'any girl would be lucky to date you.' And then I end up here. Despite being among the most liberal-minded of my race, there's nothing I have to offer any of the women here and I know it. Even if one of them did somehow fall in love with me, I wouldn't allow it to go any farther and I'd do my best to get them to forget the feelings they have for me. There's only one way that road will end, and that's in pain."

"And if we could send you home?"

"I would disappear again just as fast, only this time the kidnapping party would be my government. People don't just disappear for several months and the reappear just as suddenly. Honestly, past the one month mark, there was no way I could go home anymore, not and have a reasonable hope for any kind of 'normal' life. I'm stuck here for the duration, I fear. If you and your subjects get tired of me, I'll just wander into the wilderness, I suppose."

"Why are you so sure that any relationship between you and a pony would end in pain?"

Oh lord, here it is. "If you haven't noticed, I'm a little bit different from your ponies. I'm bitter, jaded. To be quite honest, I don't even know if I could feel love anymore, let alone inspire it in someone else. I'm too radically different from you ponies. I'm too violent, too destructive, just too… different." The last was uttered with a loud sigh following it.

"And what would you do if you found the pony responsible for your little fall in Cloudsdale?"

"I've already found one of the ponies partially responsible. I… forgave her. But she only had a small part to play it in; my response might very well change if I find the person responsible for dispelling the magic keeping me safe."

"Speaking of that, what do you mean, the magic keeping you safe? I couldn't tell for sure when you were falling; did my spell fail alongside Luna's, or was hers the only one to break?"

"They both died. I noticed it in the middle of the last bout, when I started feeling really weary all of a sudden. That's probably why I had broken ribs instead of just being winded when my fall was checked."

"Interesting…" she muttered, before saying aloud, "And do you have any ideas on who might have been responsible?"

"Yes."

"…Well?"

"I will name no names until I'm certain one way or another, and until I determine a motive."

"You don't think I could have this pony questioned easier than you could?"

"I'm sure you could. But I don't want to get anyone else involved."

"Very well."

"Why are you so interested in my 'lonesome' status, anyway?"

"You are one of my subjects now, like it or not, and I like to know how they're feeling and what they're thinking. And since you're my only human subject, I can't base your feelings or thoughts off anypony else's." I could almost believe her. Almost.

"Right. Now, what about this whole apology or thanking or award ceremony thing?"

"Oh, that? That was just pretense for me to meet you face to face without alarming much suspicion." Well, shit. "The actual event will be more for publicity than anything else. A way to get you seen by the ponies of Canterlot, I suppose."

"Why? I'll probably be living in Ponyville for a while, yet."

For some reason, she smiled at that. "I'm sure. But it's still a good idea to let everypony know what's out there." I was starting to feel very suspicious about this whole thing and was wondering how far away I could get before anyone noticed I was gone, when Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash returned.

Fluttershy was thanking the servant that guided them in when Rainbow Dash said, "There sure weren't any Wonderbolts out there. I just spent a few hours looking at stupid birds."

"Oh, I know!" Fluttershy said. "It was wonderful! There were so many different types there, more than I've ever seen!"

Fluttershy and Celestia moved off to one side of the room to discuss birds, leaving me and Rainbow Dash alone. Normally Fluttershy is… well, shy, but when you get her talking about animals it is sometimes hard to shut her up. "You know, Navarone, it's not too late for us to sneak away. I'm pretty fast, even with you slowing me down. They probably wouldn't notice us gone until we were already home."

I grimaced at the thought of flying again so soon. "Nay, lass. I fear we're stuck here, at least for the time being. We're in the palace as royal guests, so if nothing else we'll be treated very well."

"You and Fluttershy, maybe. I think some of the servants here still hate me for a little stunt I pulled back during the Gala."

"Yes, I've heard tales of that. Still, the worst you'll have to deal with is a drafty room and ratty bedsheets. And we'll probably be berthed near each other, so if all else fails you can just go bunk with Fluttershy."

"What's that about being birthed? And what makes you think I wouldn't rather sleep in your bed?"

I raised an eyebrow at that. "Berthing—that's with an e, not an i—is a naval term for bunk, or bed. And I figure Fluttershy would probably be a lot warmer than I am; she's considerably more furry, if nothing else." Yes, I did learn some interesting things from Big MacIntosh, but I didn't learn any names.

"You're right. You're too bony to sleep with, anyway." I decided not to go poking my head in doors late at night while I was here.

The lull in our conversation coincided with a lull in the other conversation in the room, and Celestia quickly took steps to get out of talking about more birds: "Would you all like to see more of Canterlot? I can arrange a tour. Sadly, I can't spend any more time today with you, as I have pressing matters elsewhere to take care of."

We decided to go on the tour, lacking much else to do. All three of us are famous for some reason or another, apparently. Rainbow Dash is relatively famous for winning some competition a little while ago in Cloudsdale and being the only person to pull off a Sonic Rainboom—basically, she broke the sound barrier and because of the magic here, that released a massive rainbow or something like that. Fluttershy was apparently a famous model at some point in her life, if you can imagine that. I'm not going to pretend to be a judge of appearances for ponies, so I couldn't tell you how she looked, but I know she was graceful enough for it. And me? Well, I draw glances where ever I go, just by being me. It's like a white guy walking into a black club: The DJ's disk scratches, the music cuts off, all the conversations die off, and everyone just looks up at you. Put short, it's awkward. Ponyville had at least gotten used to me, but this place hadn't had the dubious honor of my presence for so long. Thankfully, the ponies here have a lot more tact than the down to earth 'country ponies' of Ponyville. While they did stare, they didn't rush their children inside at the first sight of me or whisper rude comments that I could half hear. That might have had something to do with the royal guard squad we had with us, though.

It was a nice city, but I was too busy making faces at some of the little colts that were following us to pay much attention. As soon as one got the courage to get close to us, I'd turn around and make a scary face or something and they'd run away again, only to repeat the process. Rainbow Dash thought it was funny, while Fluttershy was doing her best to pretend to not be a part of our group. The royal guards were all stony faced. I managed to get one to smirk with a particularly off-color joke that I won't reprint here, but one of his partners hit him and he went back to stoniness.

During that little episode of making the guard smile, I didn't notice one of the colts getting closer until he asked me a question. "Mister, what are you?"

I started, surprised. Then I smiled. "I'm a monster."

"What kind of monster?"

"The kind that eats kids that ask questions."

"Good thing there aren't any goats around, then." What the… oh yeah.

"I don't stop at lamb chops. Sometimes I like to nibble at ponies that ask too many questions as well."

That got his attention, but he quickly responded, "I don't think you'd have a royal escort and two pretty mares with you if that was true." Rainbow Dash cracked up at being called pretty, while Fluttershy just blushed. Suave. This will be fun.

"Maybe these two are just my tribute, and the royal guards are here to see me out of town so that I don't nab anyone else on the way."

"If that's the case, then why should I fear you? They'll just protect me if you try to eat me."

"You're assuming they'll care. Who knows? They might think it's a good idea to set an example of those that ask too many questions."

"Would you be willing to risk that?"

I gave an evil smile. "The better question is, would you?"

That shut him up for a minute, but he just started right back at it. "I don't think you're going to eat those two."

"Yeah. They're too skinny. I mean, look at this one!" I poked Rainbow Dash. "Flesh and bone. No meat on there. The other one, though, might be tender enough." I patted Fluttershy on the side. All I got for my efforts were two evil looks and another hidden smile from one of the guards.

"No, I mean, they're not trying to escape! If you were about to eat me, I think I'd be running away. And those two have wings, so they'd probably be able to get away from you easily."

"Maybe they don't want to escape. Have you ever tried being eaten? It might be really fun!"

"It doesn't sound like much fun."

"Neither does sex, but good God when you get going it's great!" Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both kicked me and all the guards burst out laughing. The kid looked completely confused.

Rainbow Dash finally decided to step in. "First things first, look at who's calling who flesh and bone! You don't hardly even have any flesh! I know, because I was there when your ribs were so cut up you could see the bones! And second off, he's a human. They're a species of mostly jerks that live in another dimension. And third, he doesn't eat ponies. He only eats colts. So beat it, before he decides he's hungry and grabs you."

With that, and an even more confused look on his face, he fled.

Rainbow Dash looked at me, and just said, "Humans are so weird." I can't really deny that, but I think the same case could be made for ponies.

The rest of city was nice. There were plenty of monuments detailing events that I had no clue about, so I guess it's kind of like what visiting DC is like for most Americans.

I was walking around the gardens of the palace at night when Luna found me. Before I realized she was there, she said, "Scaring foals is no good way to make friends, you know."

"Yeah, but it sure is fun."

"From what I heard, though, you didn't so much scare him as confuse the poor colt. I think he'll be having some awkward conversations with his parents soon."

"We all gotta learn stuff like that at some time. I don't know where you heard about that anyway."

"I have my sources." More like the guards told Celestia and she told you. As though reading my thoughts, she said, "It's amazing what the guards talk about, sometimes. It appears as though you made quite an impression on them."

"Well, from the looks of them, it takes something special to get them to laugh like that."

"Not just that, though. Apparently there's talk that you were closeted away—alone—with their Princess Celestia for a few hours. That is not something that is done. I'm somewhat curious as to what she had to do to get them to leave her in peace for so long."

"What can I say? I'm a disarming kinda guy." It was interesting, though. It meant she wanted to talk to me without word of what we were saying getting around. And it meant that Luna had moles in Celestia's guard. God, I hate dealing with politics. Everything means something and most of it is bad for you. These two opponents had age on me, but I'm pretty sure a human can outpolitic anything.

"I'm sure," she said in a very dry tone. "What did you two talk about?"

Trap question, in more ways than one. Let's see… this could be a plot between the two sisters to see which I trust more and what I'm willing to say to one about the other. It could be a simple question, small talk. It could be an attempt to find an edge on her sister. God I hate politics.

I decided on an easy answer. "This and that. She doesn't have many people to talk to and have a conversation with, so that's what we did." A true answer, and it opens her up. If she pushes for more, I know something is up. And this way, I look innocent in that I didn't understand the true purpose of her asking.

"You weren't saying anything bad about me, I hope."

"Why lie, my dear?" She smiled. My answer could mean a lot, but when a women has the option of taking something in a way that makes them feel better about themselves, I've found, they'll take it that way. Unless the other option is an insult, in which case they'll always choose the option that makes the guy out to be a villain. In truth, though, we didn't talk about her at all. At least, thinking back to some of Celestia's awkward ending questions, I hope we didn't.

"Ever the charmer, I see," she said sarcastically.

"I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say?" I answered with just as much sarcasm.

"One of these days, your tongue is going to get you into trouble."

"That's why I'm friends with two princesses. They usually have some good sway in whose tongue gets cut off and when."

"And what if the ponies you get into trouble with are those two princesses?"

"I'll play them off each other and end up scott free while they bicker and fight."

"I'll have to remember that."

"Surely you wouldn't want me to lose my tongue. I make much nicer sounds with it than I would without it."

"I don't know, all mares like stallions that listen. And without a tongue, you'd be doing a lot less talking and a lot more listening."

"I've also heard all girls like a guy that can make them laugh. It would be a lot harder to do without a tongue."

"We can get you a silly hat."

"Lady," I said, feigning shock, "I am no mere jester."

"We can teach you to play an instrument, so you can serenade us while we talk to the stallions that don't make us mad enough to cut off their tongues."

"If I had to listen to a man that boring, I'd rather beat myself to death with the instrument than play it."

"We can remove your ears, as well."

"Ah, but then I won't be able to take orders, or tell if I hit a false note. I could play terribly and never hear the order to stop." She grimaced at that, and I could well agree. If nothing else, it would be a nice revenge.

"Yes, you might drive away the other stallion."

"I'd be doing you a favor, I believe. Anyone worth listening to will probably manage to infuriate you at least once."

"That reminds me, you never did thank me."

"What, for trying to get me killed?"

She looked unduly alarmed at that. "What do you mean? I tried to save you!"

"Yeah, and it was your fault I was in that position at all!"

"How did you… I didn't know somepony else was going to try to get you! I was supposed to be the pony to save you!"

"…Wait, what?"

"…Um. What did you mean by, it was my fault?" So.

I said, very slowly, "I meant that you were the reason the event kicked off… What did you mean?"

She turned bright red, red enough that I was able to tell she was blushing even though it was night out. Instead of answering, though, she raised her wings and flew off before I could stop her. Well, at least I'll have something to talk to Celestia about the next time I see her.

On that note, I went to bed. Or I should say, I went to my room, only to find my bed being occupied by a very flustered Fluttershy.

"I thought this was my room," I said, hastily jumping off of a somewhat lumpy Fluttershy; I didn't turn any lights on when I entered and just went straight to the bed.

"It is… Rainbow Dash came into my room early in the night, saying her room was cold. She ended up taking over most of the bed and she was really hoovesy, so I came here since I know you don't sleep much. If… If that's a problem, I can go take over her room…"

"Nah. I'll just go stay in her room. I don't think I'll be sleeping much anyway."

Instead of trying to sleep, I paced back and forth across the floor of Rainbow Dash's room, trying to figure out what Luna meant. It is possible that she was the one that removed the spell on me, but I couldn't figure out why, especially since she dove to save me. Murder was impossible, given that she tried to save me. Securing my loyalty by being the one to save me? That would probably mean she'd want my help in a move against her sister. Even Luna, naïve though she occasionally was, had to know I would not be willing to help her kill her sister. Boredom? Nobles get bored, I grant you, and have odd ways of relieving that boredom, but I couldn't put so unreasonable an assumption to the fore of my mind.

I shuddered as a brisk spring wind blew through the window, shaking me from my reverie. I can tell why Rainbow Dash left the room afte—Wait. The inner FPS gamer in me had noticed all the normal sounds of the palace at night, and something new was added to them. I could hear a slight… flapping, like a bird trying to escape a cage.

I had no candles lit, so I pulled out my lighter, dreading what I would find. I flicked it on and in its small, flickering light, beheld a half-moth-half-something-all-monster poisonous looking thing. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it: I fucking screamed and booked it. I didn't even think about pulling out my knife. Thankfully, I managed to not drop my lighter, and the flame was extinguished in my mad flight.

I managed to rip the door open, almost off its hinges, and I probably slammed it so loud that I woke half the bloody palace. I was scrabbling on the door for locks when a guard came up behind me, put his hoof on my shoulder, and almost received a bloody nose for the trouble. It was one of Luna's night guards.

"What's going on?" he asked me.

"Big... moth… THING!" I yelled, pointing to the room.

He shouldered me aside and slowly pulled the door open. Sure enough, the very big moth thing was definitely still there. The door was quickly slammed shut again, with two of us now scrambling for a lock. Some guard he was.

We were at it until more guards were called and they thought there were enough to take on whatever the hell that thing was. And of course, when they opened the door again, the beast was gone, probably having flown back into the night.

"Shit," I said, "I thought this place was supposed to be a nexus of happiness and love. What the dick was that?" At least I can know I wasn't crazy. There was at least one guard that saw the damn thing.

"Navarone, why are you trying to wake my castle?" Celestia had arrived, to her usual fanfare of everyone bowing in her direction. "I hope nothing is terribly amiss." I quickly noticed something… off about her appearance. It took me a second to realize what it was: Her hair wasn't moving and it was just pink now.

"Nay, nothing too bad. Just some giant moth thing hovering in my bloody room, possibly trying to murder me."

"Your room is down the hall. I believe that is Rainbow Dash's room. Why are you outside of it and panicking instead of outside of your room and panicking?"

"Rainbow got cold and went to Fluttershy's room to sleep. Rainbow isn't much of a bed fellow and Fluttershy isn't much for pointing things like that out, so she went to my room to sleep. I wasn't going to sleep that much anyway, so I went to Rainbow Dash's room since it was empty and I needed to think. And then some big thing flew in the bloody window with a possibly murderous intent."

"You said it was a moth. How do you know it wasn't just drawn to a light?"

"The room was dark; I left the window open and the curtains pulled back so I could get the light from the moon. Whatever the beast had in mind, natural moth-like tendencies towards light were not involved."

"Did anypony else see it?"

"Aye, a night guard came rushing to my aid when I shouted." I looked around for the fellow, but the excitement, it seemed, had been too much for him for he was nowhere to be seen. "Odd, he was just here. Anyone see one of Luna's guards walk away?"

One of the day guards spoke up then, refuting my claim: "There were no guards posted in this area, Princess. You told us to give the guests no sign that they were confined, so we didn't think any guards here would be needed. The disturbance was reported by a servant that was coming to check on the guests to see if they had any needs. The only way a guard would have been here would be on his own volition." This guard, at least, had a bigger plume than the others. He still looked exactly the same as the rest of the day guards: A white Pegasus with a hard blue stare and a Romanesque helmet, but he had the distinguishing mark of higher rank. I've often heard it said that, when seeking someone important in the military, look for the man with the fanciest or biggest hat.

"I don't care what he says, there was a guard here that saw what I saw. Not like he did anything with it in terms of protecting me; he was just as eager as I to get that bloody door shut."

"Are you sure you didn't just have a bad dream?" Celestia asked. "I know Twilight mentioned that you seem plagued by them."

"My definition of a 'bad dream' is memories of a home that I was rudely ripped from, not monsters. Monsters are easy to escape, and they go away when you wake up. Fond memories haunt you forever. I was awake when it happened anyway, so I know it was not a dream."

"Are you sure you weren't just seeing things? You said it was dark, you could have just been imagining it. And if you get as little sleep as you say, it could have just been a waking dream."

"Aye, it could have been possible, but it was rather unlikely. For one, the beast was still there when I opened the door with the guard to check, and for two, I heard the bloody thing when it was inside. I could hear the gentle humming of its wings as it hovered in place."

"If you are certain of what you saw, then, I'll have the guards look outside for it and keep a lookout in the other rooms of the palace in case it reappears. I know of a creature that fits its description, but I haven't heard of one being sighted in many, many years. We shall talk more on it in the morning, as I wouldn't want to keep all of you awake for any longer than necessary. Go back to your beds, my guests. This matter will be taken care of." That was when I first saw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were also awake, and looking at me with apparent concern.

"Fine, we can table it until the morning. But there's more to talk of than just that, and I'd rather have you alone to discuss it, Princess, if you don't mind my temerity in asking."

She arched an eyebrow, but said "Very well, then. Guards, go about your business and look for any signs of this creature. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, feel free to go back to bed. Navarone, we can have another room drawn up for you, if you wish."

"Nay, I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight. Do you have any big rooms with lots of books?"

In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that some servant was really annoyed with those proceedings and would lead me straight to the royal treasury record room instead of the library, but at least there I was able to snatch a few hours of troubled sleep in physical, if not mental, peace. I know I said I didn't feel tired, but hell, it's amazing what extreme paranoia added on to the literal fear of getting my face eaten does to you. When I finally got settled on the floor of the musty treasury chamber, I wasn't sitting for two minutes before I fell out.

And because everything about that trip seemed destined to make me feel bad, I got woken up by getting kicked in the ribs by a very hard hoof. Apparently the servant that thought to play the joke of putting me here didn't mention my presence to the incoming treasurer, and he was trying to get what he considered an unwelcome intruder out of his hair. Bloody stuck up bureaucrat. I sometimes find it a shame that I considered charisma the dump stat of my life; times like these are when I really wish I had paid more attention to friends back on my world.

Long story short, I extricated myself from the treasury at a dead run, followed by a string of curses that seemed odd to hear coming from a pony.

Apparently that servant pony also forgot to tell anyone else where I was. I wandered upon a search party combing the castle for me a bit later.

"When we couldn't find you in any of the palace libraries, or any of the other locations with books, or any of the guest rooms, we really started to worry!"

"Yeah… some jokester took my meaning of asking for a roomful of books as meaning a bloody treasury record room." A jokester I mean to hurt, if I can find again.

"Princess Celestia is waiting for you. Please, follow us."

I did.

Princess Celestia was waiting in the same sitting room we were in yesterday. "Thank goodness you found him. Go tell the rest of the search parties he's safe." When they had bowed and exited, she looked at me. "Get comfortable. We're going to be here a while, we're going to be talking about awkward things, and there's a chance that nothing we say here will ever leave this room." Oh, shit. I leaned against the wall with the window, partially sitting on the windowsill. I had a really, really, really bad feeling.

"Look, if this is about—" I started, before being cut off.

"No, we're going to talk about my sister, first. What happened last night? What did you say to her, and what did she say to you?"

"She accidentally admitted to being the one to remove the spells on me in the competition, I think."

"I already know that much. What else?"

Oh God, this really is bad. "…We were talking about my conversation with you. I didn't know if she was trying to pry me for details about what I told you or if she was just making conversation." Something clicked, then. "Wait, what do you mean you knew?"

"In a minute. What else did you talk about?"

"We were joking around, fake flirting I think. Surely you don't think I… What is this about?" I was getting scared, now.

"That would do it," she muttered. "Okay, here's how it stands. And listen, I'm only going through this once. Luna is apparently in love with you, for whatever reason. She removed her own spell on you during the competition and made sure the other rescuer had a drink that knocked him out. She thought that, even if she did fail to save you, my spell would make sure you didn't die. And if she had succeeded in saving you, that you would be grateful to her. Grateful enough, perhaps, to admit to returning those feelings of love. I know this because she told me right after she woke up from her collision with Rainbow Dash. She felt so terrible about your injury… I promised not to tell you until after this little event we had planned in a week, to see what you would do towards her. However, apparently when she mistook your comment last night, she thought I had told you and that you were recovering from your slip of the tongue with a clever comment about her involvement. For some reason, and this is something you might be able to help me with, she tried to kill Rainbow Dash last night. The moth creature is a kind of night creature that only Luna or the most powerful of magic users can control. I suspect the guard you saw last night was positioned to make sure Rainbow Dash didn't make it. After he disappeared, he reported to Luna that the attempt had failed, and that instead of targeting Rainbow Dash it had almost targeted you. She was rather distraught, and immediately saw herself to my chambers, where she confessed all of this to me. She's sitting in my quarters still, crying her eyes out. This puts me and you in awkward positions here, and awkward doesn't even begin to describe Luna's position."

She was silent for a few minutes, letting that sink in. It was… a lot to take. And it sounded like a God damn drama flick. Unrequited love, a botched murder attempt that almost took out the love interest, a young, naïve princess falling in love with a common monster… I looked up at Celestia. "Look, Princess, you have to know, I had no idea… I didn't… I didn't know!"

"I'm not blaming you. Yet. However, I do need to know some things. First, do you know why she tried to kill Rainbow Dash?"

I nodded slowly, putting some pieces together in my mind. "I have a… suspicion. And in the spirit of friendship, I ask that you don't act on this." I waited for her nod. "Rainbow Dash is the one that gave the rescuer the knot on his head. She didn't know any of the spells had been removed, or that Luna was trying to do anything. She just wanted to look good for the Wonderbolts. Luna may have pieced that together from some of the things I told her. Or she may have assumed that Rainbow Dash was trying to save me because Rainbow Dash loved me. When I first met Luna, I had been doing an experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, and I may have mentioned that I learned a few interesting secrets about Rainbow Dash, but I didn't expound upon what they were. It's so long ago that I don't really remember anymore. Luna may have just been trying to eliminate a rival to what she conceived as her position on my list of people that I 'love.'" Come to think of it, though, MacIntosh said she didn't want a stallion. He didn't say specifically that she wanted a mare instead… It was possible, but very, very unlikely, that Rainbow Dash also loved me. Personally, I don't believe it, but the way this day is going, who knows?

"That fits with what she told me. I admit that I don't like letting something like assault go, but I fear I might be guilty of more crimes than that after this. Now, for the important question: How do you feel about Luna? Or, rather, how did you feel about Luna before all this?"

"I do not love her. I saw her as a friend. She's a God damned horse! I can't imagine… God!"

She smiled at that. "I don't know if I should feel insulted by that or grateful. Now, what should we do?"

"I don't know. I'm worried, Celestia. If we don't handle this well, I'm fucked. I don't know how much you know about it, but unrequited love can end in a few ways: the lover gets over it, the lover obsesses in silence until they die, the lover obsesses aloud or in poetry, or the lover kidnaps the love interest and holds them captive until Stockholm syndrome takes over and they're loved back." That doesn't happen often. But then, it isn't often that a princess with magic falls in love with someone without magic. Of course, magic isn't that common where I come from anyway. "If we screw up, we might all think this is blown over, and then one day I disappear and can never be found again."

"One way or another, you have my word that I will not let that happen. I'll imprison her until you die of old age before I let her kidnap somepony and force them to love her against their will." I was somewhat relieved at that, and somewhat saddened at the thought that it might come to that. "Now," she continued, "how do you think we should handle this?"

I thought. "Who all knows that Luna tried to murder Rainbow Dash?"

"Me, you, Luna, and the guard."

"How trustworthy is the guard?"

"Third generation. He'll do whatever he's told without question."

"There are a few problems in saying we just pretend this whole thing never happened. It will give Luna hope that I return her feelings. And if we do pretend it never happened, it makes it look to her like something like this is okay. I don't envy the stallion she'll eventually properly fall in love with if he doesn't return her feelings. How can we show her that attempted murder is not okay while at the same time making sure as few people know about this as possible, and make sure she knows that I don't love her without either pissing her off enough to kidnap me or grieving too terribly?"

"It would grieve me terribly to do it, and it might make her hate me, but I could imprison her again."

"Not an option. The people would never accept her back if they found out why she was being imprisoned, and you know someone would be asking the question. Dodging the question or lying would backfire, as I'm sure there are only so many crimes a royal princess could do that would warrant exile. I would prefer this ending with all parties reasonably pleased with what they get."

"If I had the magic to make you into a pony, would you be willing to give love with Luna a chance?" So that's why she was asking!

"And lose my thumbs? Hell no. Have you ever tried turning a page without them? Impossible."

"I'm being serious, Navarone."

"As am I, at least in my answer."

"And what if she was willing to become a human?"

Now that stumped me for a bit. "I have a few problems with that. Wouldn't that bring a lot of awkwardness on the royal family?"

"Yes. But I'm willing to deal with awkwardness in order to make you both happy."

Hmm. "Is the transformation permanent?"

"It could be reversed, yes. Apparently she's tested it a few times. She was going to surprise you on the last night of the week before the celebration."

That sounded ominous, in a few ways. "I find myself objecting to the idea of love stemming only from appearances. I think that, if I was a person someone deserved in terms of love, I would accept them for who they are, and not have to force them to adapt to my standards. Why is this any different?"

"To be honest, that's exactly the answer I expected from you, and philosophically I'm pleased to hear it. However, in terms of the situation, this puts us in a bad spot. What can we do?"

This is a bad, bad idea… "You could kill me."

The pervading silence was very awkward, to say the least. "And what," she finally asked, "would that solve?"

"Not you personally, mind. The guard that knows Luna ordered the attack would be best, so she would hate him for it instead of you. I can't believe I'm actually suggesting this… Think about it: with me dead, there are now three people that know about this, and none of the three of them will ever make any mention of it. The guard will very likely end up dead soon after, or find himself reassigned. Sucks for him, boohoo, that's what he gets for not abiding by the Nuremberg Laws. Luna will grieve but she'll get over it eventually. Her anger at Rainbow Dash will end, since there's no reason for her to be a threat anymore."

"That still leaves her going unpunished for crime of attempted murder, and we'll have a murderer guard on the staff."

"Have the guard put to death, then. If he follows two orders to murder, he's not safe to have around. And if you put the guard to death for murder, Luna will never suspect you of having ordered my death. Console her in her grief, and tell her that you think she's been punished enough. She'll buy it, because you're a merciful leader and a good sister."

"That's a perfect solution, but for one issue. I'm not going to order somepony murdered."

I let out a breath that I didn't realize I had been holding. "I'm not going to say I'm disappointed."

"I would be worried if you were," she said drily. "Now, we need something else."

"I can think of one more thing to try, but it's hardly perfect. How often does Luna leave the castle?"

"Every now and then to see you, but other than that she's usually here."

"Forbid her from leaving at all, aside from a few state functions that it would be noticed if she wasn't there. Attempted murder where I come from has a sentence of, like, five years or something. There's a chance that, at the end of that sentence, she'll have forgotten her love for me. But there's also just as much of a possibility that she'll come out of it with me foremost in her mind. God, there's just no good way to do this!" We thought for a while. I sighed. "Princess, if you honest to God truly believe the best solution would be me admitting love to Luna, I can lie. I don't like the idea of it and you don't like the idea of it. But… what else can we do? She's young, yet, and will eventually find that this isn't what her heart wants. But we don't exactly have the time to wait for her to realize that."

"No, that wouldn't go over well. One mistake on your part and everything is ruined. What we need is an arbiter that will give us everything we need and that Luna can't touch with royal power. Somepony wise that perhaps lives beyond my realm, and would have nothing to gain from trying to blackmail us. Somepony that Luna doesn't know we know and can't know that we're influencing."

We both came to a conclusion at the same instant, and we both spoke aloud: "Zecora!" "The dragon!" We both paused, then said the same thing at the same time, "Of course! That makes much more sense!" We both paused again, and I nodded at her to explain. Before I go over that, I feel I should talk a bit about the dragon: He's an ancient dragon that Twilight and her friends ran into a few months back. He was smoking up the countryside by snoring or something. He's ancient. I've already discussed Zecora.

Celestia said, "Zecora would be a lot more trustworthy than the dragon, and a lot less dangerous to deal with. I've heard Twilight talk about her wisdom, and I know Luna doesn't read the letters from Twilight about her silly lessons on friendship. Luna may know Zecora from her small, small time in the forest, but it's unlikely. We don't actually control the forest anymore, so she technically lives outside of my realm and can't be legally touched by Luna in revenge." She then nodded at me to explain.

"The dragon would have to be ancient to grow to even the unexaggerated size I was told about. Luna would have to accept the wisdom in his words as they hold behind them so much experience. He might be dangerous to deal with, but that works in his favor. Luna would be afraid to make a move against him later. And you've honestly never had any dealings with him yourself, aside from getting Twilight and her cadre to move the fellow. He might have to be woken up again, but I'm sure even one such as he couldn't ignore a royal invitation. And we know that as soon as we tell him goodbye, he'll never, ever tell anyone, since he'll probably bugger right back off and sleep for a hundred years." Honestly, both answers made sense. Due to time constraints, however, Zecora was sent for at once.

"So, what do we get her to tell Luna?" I asked.

"Confined to the palace for five years for attempted murder. Forget her crush on you. Stop acting like a child instead of a several thousand year old princess."

I nodded. "When Zecora gets here, I can't be allowed to see her. And when she gives her verdict, I can't be in the room. It should be just the three of you."

"I know, Navarone. This whole situation is just… bad."

"Yeah, you're telling me…What about the whole celebration thing in a week? I don't know if it'll be a good idea to let Luna see me so soon after this goes down."

"As much as I'd like to think she'd take it well, she's probably still in my room crying. You're right. When Zecora leaves, you can all go with her. We'll just tell everyone Zecora was here to bring a cure for Luna, who came down with a sickness after running into your moth creature from last night. No one else alive knows what they are, and it will easily be passed off as a onetime thing. Luna will have killed it, but not before it hit her with a slow acting poison that I can't cure but Zecora can, with her odd tribal medicines. This is all just a mess… I haven't had to do this much damage control since Luna tried to rebel the last time."

"This is my first time dealing with something like this, at least. Hopefully it will be my last. I hate dealing in politics; it's usually easy, as people are easy to manipulate, but sometimes shit like this comes up and just blows up in everyone's face."

We sat in silence for several minutes, just thinking. Something, though, was nagging a bit at me, something I should have picked up on earlier. "You said Luna only removed her spell on me… What about your spell?"

"I just… don't know. It could not have worn off. It is possible Luna accidentally removed it as well, but in the middle of day like that, my spell should have been too strong for her to touch. To put it in your blunt terms, your life kind of sucks. You spend the first part of your life learning so much to get a job in your world, instead of making friends. Then you get sucked here, where almost none of what you learned applies anymore. Then, in the short time you've been here, you've had somepony you don't love fall in love with you, enough to risk your life over it, you've almost been murdered by at least three people in one instant and then almost murdered again on accident by one of those same people that also loves you, and then you had to help solve a crisis that wasn't your fault and against which you were honestly the only victim, but if wasn't solved would have created a scandal that would end up with Luna and me embarrassed for perhaps forever."

"And that's not mentioning the fact that I got kidnapped once by Rainbow Dash, almost killed by three little lasses trying to get their Cutie Marks, I'm constantly plagued by bad dreams, and I'm occasionally forced to wear really gaudy clothing."

"The dreams I knew about, the clothing I knew about, and I've even heard some of the things the 'cutie mark crusaders' have done to you. But Rainbow Dash also kidnapped you?"

"Yeah, that was the precursor to the whole rodeo thing. She wanted some questions answered and she didn't want to ask them the traditional way, what with the possibility of me lying and all. So she had Twilight enchant a piece of stone to put in her sky mansion and didn't say why. Then Rainbow Dash kidnapped me, flew me to her mansion, and threatened to leave me up there until I told her what she wanted to know."

"You realize that this is now the second criminal offense I have to pretend to not know about her, right? Is there anything else that she's done to you, to make it a nice three?"

"Well, she did accidentally break my window once. I have absolutely no idea how she didn't end up injured at all, but she managed."

"Yes, I do remember that one; I ended up paying for that window, I believe. From the sound of things, Luna had a bit of a right to be jealous of Rainbow Dash," she said, sarcastically. "You talk about Luna maybe kidnapping you and holding you against your will, but Rainbow Dash actually did. And she must have been in a pretty big hurry to see you if she broke a window to get to you. There's also the fact that she, too, wanted to be the one to save you. She said she had a different reason, but ponies do crazy things for love…"

"While I was surprised to hear that Luna loved me, I would be absolutely and one hundred percent shocked if Rainbow Dash did. I think I know who she's into, and it's not me."

"I'm tired after dealing with that whole mess and looking for a chance to relax. Gossip seems a decent way to waste some time. Do tell!" I was committed, now, and revealed what Applejack and I discovered back at the farm. In case Rainbow Dash somehow gets her hooves on this, I'll leave my suspicions unprinted. She'll already defame my death enough if she reads what we really did to her at the barn, but I don't need her digging my body up and abusing it on top of everything else.

"Wow! And she doesn't even suspect? I never would have guessed… Anything else?"

"Spike likes Rarity. I'm pretty sure she knows and is just using him for free labor. Fluttershy would like to be a tree. Pinkie Pie is probably manic depressive. Nothing really that juicy or interesting, sadly. I don't gossip much with them."

"Oh, come on. You've lived with Twilight for the past several months. You have nothing to show for that?"

"Alright, but only because you never revoked the 'nothing leaves this room' pact…" I'll also leave this unprinted, because I don't trust Twilight's magic to not find a way to revive me and then kill me again, in a more painful manner. And if I'm not dead, well, fuck me. I hope whoever is reading this doesn't like the idea of blackmail.

When I finished, Celestia was quiet for a minute. I honestly thought I went too far for a second, until she just burst out laughing. "No way! Just no way! Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be without actually asking her, yes. And there is no way in hell I will be doing that. And you won't, either, because she'll wonder how you found out. And then when you don't tell her and she finds out that we were talking alone for several hours, she'll put two and two together. If she ends up beating me for that, I'll find a way to get back at you, princess or not."

"I believe it, and I can understand why! I never thought… Wow! And you never once thought to move?"

"And where else am I going to go? Fluttershy lives in a small cottage full of animals. Rainbow Dash lives in a mansion in the sky. Rarity… just no. Pinkie Pie lives in a rented room, I think, and she scares me anyway. Applejack, maybe, but I don't really like living in the farm atmosphere; I tried it a few times, and it's just not for me. And before, when living here with you and Luna might have been an option, it would have separated me from the only other people I ever knew here. That isn't even an option anymore, though, so yeah."

"Well, it could be an option. You always have the option of pretending to love Luna and staying here. Maybe one day it'll become true. Or I could turn you into a pony and let you romance her the hard way."

"Luna may be a bit naïve, but she isn't stupid. I learned at least that much from our talks. She may believe I love her, but she would figure out rather quickly that I was the male pony if you turned me into one. Besides, it just doesn't seem fair to her, to let her be with someone that doesn't—or can't—feel the same way she does."

"I know. It was more in jest than an actual offer."

"Aye. It's a damn shame this happened. I honestly didn't think… I'm still used to human women, you see. My culture… everyone there grows so desensitized to stuff like I was saying to her, the little flirty remarks. I never once imagined it would turn into… this."

"I understand, Navarone, and I don't blame you. Really, I should have noticed some of the warning signs. She started acting strange not long after she met you, and left more and more of her royal duties undone in order to visit you."

"Thinking about it, you probably shouldn't tell her about this conversation at all. I don't want her to get hurt, but nor do I want her to keep obsessing after me. Getting enough people to tell her this is a pointless love might drill it through her head. Unlikely, I know—God help me, I learned that the hard way—but possible."

"What do you mean, you learned it the hard way?"

"Hah. A bit of gossip about my old life that no one here knows, which is probably for the best. And that's the way it will stay, aside from you, we clear?" I waited for her nod once again before continuing. "Alright, you won't believe this, but I'll tell you anyway. When I was younger, about thirteen or fourteen, I was a helpless romantic. Yes, I see you laughing, don't try to hide it. I was, I admit it with no shame. Anyway, there was a girl I liked. Completely out of my reach. Famous, beautiful—stunning, even—talented, and impossible for a guy like me to touch. I was nothing, you see, just a face in the crowd. I was a face in the crowd, but a face that wore his love openly on it. Without even pausing, when I met her, she just kept walking. Didn't even grace me with a look. Everyone I told before said it would happen, that she was nothing but a pretty face without a personality to back it up. Friends, family, and even my parents told me not to bother. But love, I thought, love could conquer anything. I learned… God, how I learned." That story isn't actually true, by the way. "Love, I found then, is a weakness to be used against you. You give someone power over you and hope they don't abuse that power. You give someone the power to hurt you, to crush you, to make you what they want. And yet, as long as they give you any attention, any hint of affection, that is love well spent, as far as you're concerned. Until… Until, my dear friend, you look back. You look back and see what you have become, and what you have gained because of it. I realized this, realized the weakness love gave me, and with that I severed all its holds over me. I slowly became inured, strong yet weak, impregnable yet alone. I would not want that fate for your sister. I do not want anyone to learn the lesson I did, because it is not true, as I later found out. I eventually saw true love, lass, and with it came a realization that the love I described? It is nothing, it is obsessive love, it is unrequited love, something that only one party feels, while the other merely uses that love to suit them. The kind of 'love' my parents felt towards each other, for a time. Maybe I rant. Maybe I am still young. You, who have lived a thousand years and more, can you tell me I am wrong?"

"Honestly, Navarone, I have never loved, not as a mare loves a stallion. What you say sounds pretty, beautiful, perhaps, and I would like to believe it. I cannot imagine love as a selfish thing. And it is obvious that, though you say you cannot love, that you at least care about my sister, and I am grateful for that, at least."

"Say what you want about me, but never let it be said that I like to hurt others. One of my real reasons for avoiding relationships is because I don't want to get hurt myself, and that I don't want to hurt others should I decide to break up. Selfish, perhaps, but it is true."

"Why is the desire to protect yourself and others selfish?"

"I somewhat wonder if you're just testing me with these questions, or if you are honestly confused by them." I waited for a reaction, but got none. Smiling, I continued, "Is it truly fair to assume someone is unable to handle pain of their own, and to deny them any 'happiness' they might receive from my attentions, however brief? While I myself would not find such a thing worth it, for the pain received at the possibility of a breakup is too much for one such as I that remembers everything too well—including pain, sadly—it is not worth it at all. So I assume everyone is like me in that regard. But I also know that isn't true."

"I can see why that might be considered selfish, but it could also be considered selfless: Denying yourself happiness to avoid causing pain in others."

"Therein lies the dilemma. Just… do me a favor and don't tell Luna about this conversation at all, unless you think you can find a way to tell her that I don't love her without her either coming after me like an avenging angel or her coming after me like a stalker serial rapist."

"If she doesn't stop loving you in the five years she's to be confined, you'll have to deal with her then. And I'm almost certain she will be considerably more angry at you when she discovers that she held her love for you for five agonizing years of waiting, while you never once loved her."

I grimaced at that. "What would you have me do, then? You could tell her now, and risk having her not accede to the five year imprisonment or risk hurting her, or you could not tell her and let her assume I love her, and in five years I can either disappear or voluntarily accede to her unrequited love and retire in peace with her. Who knows how she or I will feel in five years? With my luck, there's a good chance I'll be dead."

"Even your luck isn't bad enough to get you killed."

"Aye, but there's still another murderer running around, the person that removed your spell. Unless I can get that resolved, I'll be a target. A wary target, but still marked."

"You know how to think negatively."

"It's a talent, it is. So how long do you think it will be until Zecora gets here?"

"I told Twilight that it needs to be done as soon as possible. Knowing her, she'll finish reading whatever she was in the middle of before getting on it, but hopefully she'll actually hurry for once."

"What should I tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?"

"Tell them what we're going to make the official story: The monster you saw found Luna in one of her moonlight strolls around the gardens, bit her, and we needed Zecora to heal her. But she'll be unconscious for a while anyway, and I'll be watching over her. In light of that, the event is canceled."

"I will be sure to tell them, then. This is not something I really wanted to wake up to, but at least we were hopefully able to deal with it. Oh, and if Luna begs to talk to me one time before we leave, tell her it's part of her punishment, and that you never told me she loves me."

"Don't worry, Navarone. I know what to tell her."

We exchanged a few more pleasantries and bits of unimportant gossip before we parted ways, her to visit and try to calm Luna, I to tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy what the hell was going on and why they were locked in their rooms. Well, our version of what the hell was going on, at least.

Zecora arrived late in the day, when the day was just bordering on night. Celestia decided—perhaps wisely, as things turned out—to wait until the next day to deliver any judgment. Her reasoning, which I thought made sense, was that Celestia would be at the height of her strength and that Luna would be at the lowest point. So instead, Zecora was briefed on the situation, told what to say, and then billeted in a room away from any of us, ostensibly to prepare her ointments.

Now, a few caveats for this next section: First, it's painful for me to write at all, for reasons you'll soon understand. Second, I'm writing this a bit after the fact and I'm not much of a lyrical person anyway, so all of Zecora's speech will be translated from bloody annoying poetry and rhyming to stuff that's easy to write. If you think that's laziness, well, fuck you, I'm the one writing this about my life, so bugger off. Third, this is awkward as shit, so I might gloss over what an outside observer might see as important. If so, whatever. This is, again, my journal.

That aside, let's continue.

The next day, I was telling another off color joke to the guards watching our rooms, much to the consternation of Fluttershy, when a messenger arrived. He politely waited for me to finish the joke, and then told me, "Princess Celestia is requesting you, human." The color immediately drained from my face, but I was hoping that the meeting between them and Zecora was done and Celestia was just going to say bye.

I fell into step behind the messenger when he told me, "She also gave me a message to give to you when we left the others: 'Zecora didn't listen to me.' I don't know what it means, but she made absolutely sure that I would remember to tell you."

Yeah, this is going to be bad. Real bad. I managed to stammer a reply to the messenger, but I don't even remember what I said. I thought back to the window, and wondered if he had orders to drag me there by the scruff of the neck if I bolted.

He must have read some of that on my face, because he said, "For some reason, the guards are watching many of the entrances now. Maybe it has something to do with that moth creature. I heard it attacked Princess Luna!"

I managed to say, "I guess I got lucky, then…" Well, there goes that option. I was considering trying to hide in the palace until the fervor fell away when we actually reached the meeting room.

See, this is one of those times I wish I was a smoker. I would have had more than one instant to take everything in, as I pulled one out and lit it. But whatever.

Anyway, at first glance, this is what I saw: Celestia was of course looking regal, but with hints of nervousness and anger. She kept darting dark, furtive glances at Zecora, then looking away. Zecora was looking just as regal, and completely composed. She is, if I have not said before, a zebra, and was a nice contrast between the light and the dark of the two royal sisters. She also presented a very nice balancing point in the room, and I almost felt myself drifting towards the safety I thought she represented in that room I was so hesitant to enter. Luna, though… I could look at her and tell she had been crying. But the look she gave me almost broke my damn heart. I'm callous, hateful even, and not one for poetry, but I think even I could have written volumes just from seeing that glance alone. And it hurt me so, because I had a feeling I was about to crush her heart.

"I was summoned?" I asked in a voice that sounded a hell of a lot more confident than I was feeling. I could see Celestia visibly slump, relaxed at how I was choosing to play this.

"Zecora," Celestia said, trying to hide any vestiges of hate in her utterance of the name, "has some questions for you."

"Shoot."

Remember, I'm translating this from poetry. Some of the 'effect' might be gone, but whatever. "Yes, I do. What is the penalty for attempted murder in your world, human?"

"Depends on the severity of the damage to the victim, and the involvement of the accused. Attempted murder alone will usually net you five years, and that's if you can prove the person involved meant for the other person to die. Criminal negligence, which is what it is called if the person almost died or did die as a result of something the accused accidentally did, carries less of a sentence. Two years, maybe. I don't know for sure; I didn't pay much attention to law. If the victim was actually injured, you can usually add on charges of assault and battery as well." In truth, I didn't know any of that. I was just making shit up to bide for time. I could see Luna visibly shrink when I mentioned the punishments. "Why? Did you catch that moth dude that tried to deep six me, and, as I've heard, attempted the life of the princess as well? I wouldn't mind settling accounts personally with that bugger." With that, Luna started crying again. I raised an eyebrow at Celestia, and she just grimaced.

"Something like that, you could say," Zecora told me. "How did you know the princess was injured?"

She's a fast one, she is. "The messenger told me he heard a rumor that she had been, and I assumed that if you were here you were probably here to help heal her; I've heard Twilight talk of your skills with dealing with odd maladies." She smiled at that, oddly. At that point, I knew she suspected that Celestia already told me everything, but she didn't have any proof. I figured we were probably playing high stakes here, so I turned on every mental shield I had and determined to let nothing through. I never was much of an actor, but by God I can muddle my way through this.

And then Zecora started dropping bombshells, watching for my reaction after each one. She started with Luna's actions during the competition, to which I was able to show a small amount of shock as I would have already known that due to her own accidental confession. She then hit me with Luna's attempt on Rainbow Dash, to which I faked a decent amount of horror and shock. And then she tried to obliterate me with the motive, love… I'd like to think my performance would have gotten me a Grammy, but honestly, I don't know. Celestia later told me she was terrified I would screw it up, but she slowly started feeling better through it. Luna wasn't really watching, anyway. She was too busy bawling. Zecora was, though, and I knew for her sake if for no other reason I had to fake it, so I did my best.

And when she finished, I sat at a loss for words. There were a few things I could have done, I knew. I am no Harrison Ford, but I can occasionally ad lib well. This was not one of those times.

I couldn't think of anything to say, but I knew what I had to do. And I knew it would take good timing. And I knew it would probably ruin my life in a few years, but hell, my life was pretty much already fucked from being here anyway.

Minutes passed. Luna tried to stop crying. Zecora and Celestia were both watching me, Zecora with a knowing smile and Celestia with a worried frown. I waited until Luna looked down.

And then I stood up, walked over to Luna, and hugged her. I may be damned to hell for it, but I couldn't hurt her. Celestia sighed, Luna cried, I was dying inside, and Zecora just… smiled.

After a small amount of words that I will not repeat here were traded, Zecora said, "Despite the motive in these crimes being love, they cannot go unpunished. As you testified yourself, Navarone, the punishment for these two offenses would be seven years. Can any of you think of any reason that should be lessened?"

"I could forgive her two of those years," I ventured, risking myself to attempt to improve my possible situation in the coming years. "The crime against me by her was just an accident, and I'm almost positive that even if she hadn't removed her spell on me, it would have been removed by someone else. After all, she only removed the one spell, while both that and the other were gone when I fell."

"Nay," Zecora said. "You shall not come to her rescue so easy. What you said is a possibility, while it is a known that Luna removed her spell on you. Your accident was in part caused by her, so far as we know. You said it yourself, in your definition of… criminal negligence, I believe it was?"

I tried, and the attempt was appreciated, if nothing else.

"Seven years it is, then," Zecora pronounced. "You are to be exiled here in Canterlot for seven years, Luna. And Navarone, you are not to visit her, for as I once found, time spent in love goes by unnoticed."

And so it was. I feared what the future would bring. With her pronouncement, Zecora left. Celestia rescued me from the embrace of my… beloved, promising that the sooner the punishment began, the sooner it would end. We left the hall with Luna's parting words ringing in our ears: "I will wait for you."

Well, shit.

Celestia and I went back to the same sitting room that we were in before. I'm beginning to think this is the only one in this damn palace.

"Look, Navarone…" she started.

"I can kill Zecora, if you want. All her wisdom and knowledge won't save her from a burning hut and a slit throat."

"No, we're not going to go around killing ponies that give pronouncements we don't like. And I know for sure you had more say there than you pretend you did. You could have told Zecora any amount of years, and she would have agreed to it. Luna wouldn't know and she couldn't blame you. You could have had her locked up until you died. And I know you know Zecora would have done whatever you told her."

I lost my shit. "I give people fair play! That's all I've ever done and that's all I've asked in return! In my own world that's all I wanted, that's all I asked for! And it never happened, not once! I helped people and got shit in return! I was fair and all it got me was mocked! When I was brought here, I thought this was a world where I could get my honest rewards, what I deserve, for once! Tell me, what have I done to earn eternal imprisonment, starting in seven years, attached to a woman I do not love? I have no qualms about admitting that I am, in fact, a bad person. However, am I truly so bad that something like this is my just desserts?"

She was silent at my tirade. I was… pissed, would be the best word.

Then… laughter. Small, quiet, but laughter. "You realize, Navarone, that you just asked me permission to murder somepony."

I couldn't help but smile at that, honestly. "Fine. Fair. I suppose the better question would be, what did Luna do to deserve this? She's asking for a lifetime attached to a monster, 'the most dangerous animal in existence.'"

"Sometimes the worst punishment you can give a pony is exactly what they want. Who knows? Maybe you'll grow into each other. You're both still young."

"She's several thousand years old. And she probably has several thousand years yet to go. I will die in about fifty to seventy, if I'm lucky."

"Not necessarily. There are… ways of extending life." Now that got my attention. "As with anything of its nature, though, it involves a sacrifice. One lifeline for another, basically. One thing loses time and the other gains it. I would not suggest it, but that it would make my sister sad to lose you. I would not want anypony to give their life for it, though."

Has she really never thought of this? "So we'll use a fucking tree. Hell, those live forever, and are easily replaced."

She slowly nodded. "Luna and I have thought about that in the past, actually. We never tested it, though. I had actually forgotten about the idea entirely. I wonder if we could do that for everypony…"

So as it turns out, I completely accidentally revolutionized life for the ponies. Or, rather, I added a very, very complex moral dilemma to their plates.

"Before you suddenly give everyone eternal life, you should honestly think about it. Without more space, you will eventually run into population problems. Possible food shortages, overcrowding, running out of trees, disease, and any manner of other problems can come up from making life last forever, or just longer. If you had unlimited space and possibilities for unlimited food, there would be no problem, but such is not the case. There is a problem, here: Do we allow everlasting life and limit breeding? Do we tell no one that it's possible and let life continue as it was? Or do we allow everlasting life and hope a solution will be present before a problem arises? And what will you tell everyone that lost a loved one just yesterday? 'Oh, I'm sorry, this literally just popped into existence yesterday, because no one ever thought about this sideways.' Hell, do we dare spit in the face of evolution? We can't let something like this be decided here and now."

"In all honesty, it is a bit of a moot point anyway. There are very, very few unicorns strong enough to cast a spell of the magnitude that it would require. We could get to a fraction of the population, but we couldn't get to everyone. I don't know if I want to give part of my ponies something that I can't give to everyone."

"There are a lot of moral debates here. As I said, we can decide nothing. And we're getting off track anyway. So, we could give me eternal life. The question is, do I want it? To see the eons pass, to see everyone I know wither and die, to watch civilizations grow and crumble, to watch trends disappear as fast as they appear, to one day lose myself to the passings of millennia and to have a massive memorial service for one of the deathless giants… It sounds wonderful, I can't lie, but tell me, personally, is it worth it?"

"For me, who had no choice in the matter, yes. I do watch my friends die, yes, and every time I look upon them it seems like they have changed, while I remain the same. But—and this is a very important but—I have the memories of all the happy times with them. I am old, Nav. Very, very old. I have seen all what you have said. I can't lie; I miss my lost friends. But I don't regret their passing and my living. For a long time after my sister betrayed me, I stayed completely aloof from everyone. I ruled in near silence, not trusting anyone near me. For almost a hundred and fifty years I was like that. I look back, and of all my life, that is one of my biggest regrets. For me, who was born into this life, it was worth it, yes. For you, who have seen less than twenty summers and are just that mature, it might not be. And when you are spending that life in the company with somepony you don't like, it would be unbearable."

"I don't dislike Luna. I just… don't love her. I have at least seven years to decide. I will… think on it. And I will mention it to no one." Of course, anyone reading my journal would find out about it. So it's a good thing no one is reading this. Right? RIGHT?

…Unless I'm still alive and am just lying about this conversation to find out who's reading my journals. You assholes.

I extracted from Celestia a promise to undermine her sister's love in me however she could, hoping it wouldn't backfire, and made my way back to my temporary quarters to tell Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash we could go home now.

"Why did Princess Celestia want you?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You two sure have been talking a lot."

"It's not every day you meet another member of a sentient race that confirmed the fact that you are not alone in the multiverse. But she just wanted to ask about a matter of legal precedent, and to bid me farewell. She would have seen us off in person, but with her sister as she is, she thought it best to be near her."

"Oh, I hope Princess Luna will get better," Fluttershy said. "Is there anything we can do for her before we leave?"

"Nay, lass. Zecora has done an admirable job in settling that issue. We are all to depart soon; you can talk to her then."

"She's not staying behind to make sure Luna gets better?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"No, she's not," I said, letting the matter drop. They just looked at each other and shrugged.

Well, that was my first adventure in Canterlot.

Adventure? I can think of a better way of putting it: Clusterfuck of epic proportions.

The first thing I did when I got back was collecting a large amount of dead wood from the forest and starting a bonfire. I don't know why, I just wanted to burn something. The Cutie Mark Crusaders helped, but after a few looks at the expression on my face they didn't talk much. I heard one of them say something about a fire fighting cutie mark, but in truth I didn't care. I just wanted to watch something burn.

I found myself humming a song from a game I once played… I don't want to set the world on fire. Not the most fitting song, for at the moment I wanted to burn everything I could see, but I suppose it was somewhat fitting.

The wood was dry, and it caught easily. We packed it well, and it burned late into the night.

I won't lie, I am tempted to leave the rest of that night out. No real reason for it, but it just seems… like something I won't need to write down to have to remember.

All of the Twilight's cadre, including the lass herself, eventually joined us at the fire. Few of them had seen one so large.

Pinkie Pie found me when the fillies were looking for more wood. "Hey Navarone, what's the occasion?" Pinkie Pie asked me, her voice cutting through the solemnity of the moment I was feeling.

"Nothing in particular, my dear. I just… wanted to see something burn," I answered, smiling sadly.

"Are you sure? You didn't even bring any marshmallows! How can you have a bonfire without marshmallows?" she remonstrated me. "And you didn't invite anypony, either! What kind of party is this?"

"'Tis no party, lass. Feel free to invite anyone that wants to join me, though. And feel free to bring marshmallows if you want. I did not wish to spend the night with company, but alas, I find myself beset on one side by fillies and on the other by ponies." I waved my hand at the returning group, who were carrying as much wood as their poor bodies could.

"I'll go tell everyone!" she cried, with as much joy in her heart as I felt leave mine.

Rarity was, of course, the first to arrive. Just my luck. "Sweetie Belle, what are you doing here?"

"Navarone said I could help! I might get a forest cleaning or a fire fighting cutie mark!"

"He said that, did he?" she asked in a very flat voice that promised sharp words for me later. I just shrugged, not really caring. She just sighed. "Well, what's done is done. So, Navarone, what's the occasion? Pinkie Pie just told me there was a party happening here. No pony looks that happy…"

"Pinkie Pie, as ever, has the tendency to exaggerate. What I said is that I was burning for the sake of burning, and that she could invite anyone she wanted to. She's the party planner. Me? I just wanted to burn something. Feel free to stay; I find it's very therapeutic to just watch the flames."

She sat across the fire from me, I guess assuming that when the rest got there the actual party would start. Soon she was just as engrossed in the flames as the younger ones were, and as I was getting.

The next to arrive was Fluttershy. "Oh, hello Navarone! I didn't know Pinkie Pie got to you already. I was just walking back home when she ran into me and told me to come here."

"She didn't have to go far to find me," I said.

Scootaloo chimed in, "Yeah, Nav is the one who set the fire! Pinkie Pie came by and decided to make a party out of it." Much to my consternation was my unsaid contribution to that statement.

"Oh, I thought this was another of Pinkie Pie's plans to welcome us back. Still, it's nice to get together with friends… Oh, hi Rarity! I didn't see you over there!"

Rarity muttered something, a greeting perhaps, somewhat absorbed by the gentle flickering of the flames.

"Rarity?" I said a bit louder.

"What? Oh, hello Fluttershy! I was just… watching the fire. I have to give it to him, Navarone knows what he's talking about when it comes to that. It is… enchanting, in a way."

Fluttershy joined our impromptu circle around the fire.

We were all getting into it again when Applejack arrived in a mad dash. "I got here as soon as I could! Why are y'all just sitting around for? We gotta put this thing out!"

"Nope. I made this and I'll wait for it to die. But we're not killing it. It's harmless," I said.

"Pinkie Pie said there was a fire. I didn't know it was just a silly bonfire! That girl done scared me for nothing!"

"You know how she is. She didn't mean any harm by it, I'm sure," I said. "Feel free to join the circle." I waved my arm to show I didn't care where. That's when she noticed the others.

"Applebloom, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Navarone said I could help! We're trying to get firefighting cutie marks!"

"Uh huh. Well, just so long as you're careful." With that, Applejack went to sit next to her sister, and tried chatting with the others. I just went back to watching the fire licking at the wood.

Rainbow Dash was the next to show up. Her arrival was… less than spectacular, crashing in the growing darkness nearby. Applejack went to make sure she was okay, and they both came laughing. "Navarone," Rainbow Dash said, "your fire is screwing with the winds up there! I can hardly control myself!"

I answered, "Thermals are a bitch. Welcome to the… party, if you're listening to Pinkie Pie."

"And if you're not listening to Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, coming out of the darkness with Spike in tow.

"Then it's just a fire," I said, noting the marshmallow pack in Spike's hands. "You know," I said to him, "this fire might have been easier to set if you had been around." And it might have ended up with a log atop Celestia's head, I thought with a smile.

"Then you should have invited me sooner," he said, as he and Twilight joined the circle.

I just shrugged, and bent my gaze back into the flames.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were handing out sticks for the marshmallows when Pinkie Pie came skipping back. I found myself softly singing, and forced myself to stop. At least one of the ponies noticed, but didn't say anything.

Everyone looked to Pinkie Pie to start the… festivities, I guess, but she surprised them all when she turned to me and said, "So, Navarone, what did you have planned?"

"It's your show now, girl. Don't try to pin this on me. I set the fire. You made a party out of it."

She gave me an exasperated look that said, You should know better by now. I would have brought up 'never have I ever,' but it wouldn't exactly be fair, as none of them but Spike had any fingers and we didn't have any alcohol.

Pinkie Pie tried for a little bit longer to get the group into something, but my mood seemed to have spread about. Aside from Pinkie Pies indignant mutterings, silence reigned.

I… can't put into words how it made me feel, seeing them all there. They came because Pinkie Pie invited them, and they stayed just for the pleasure of each other's company. And I was a part of them, now, even if I pretended to not to believe it. I had been on a roller coaster ride of forced snap decisions with life altering consequences, right after almost dying, but I was finally among true friends.

I was tempted to tell them the truth of what happened with Luna at that time, but I knew Celestia would be somewhat pissed if I let the truth out. Silence reigned, aside from the gentle popping of the fire, and one by one, the ponies fell asleep next to each other. Spike and the fillies were out first, of course. Pinkie Pie, despite her fervent aspirations to stay up and see 'what the big deal with the fire was,' was the next out. Fluttershy, still tired from the exhaustions of the trip, soon joined them in sleep. Rainbow Dash and Applejack didn't last much longer, both nodding off at almost the same time. Rarity, despite trying the hardest to stay awake, was the next to fall; she didn't want to 'ruin her hair' sleeping on the ground, but you can only fight for so long.

Soon enough, it was just me and Twilight left fighting back our demons.

"So, Navarone, what's the real reason behind this?" she whispered to me.

"It is… a balefire," I whispered to her.

"Who died?"

"Not who, but what. I love you all, but some things I must suffer alone."

I could tell she formed a thousand suspicions about that, but didn't voice any of them. "You know we're always here for you," is all she said, before drifting off to sleep with the rest of them.

I spent the rest of the night in silence, just staring into the fire and thinking.

I was stolen from my reverie sometime after the sun had risen by a loud shriek, followed by loud wailings about ruined hair and bugs and dirt and various other inanities. Rarity, it appeared, had awoken, bringing the rest of the ponies with her. The mood I had cultivated in the night was shattered in an instant, and the ponies were ripped from the world I had created for them and thrown suddenly back into their own.

The poor fire was down to smoldering embers. A small flame gently licked up a few of the longer lasting logs every now and then, but for the most part a dull red gleam was all that remained of the tempest of flame that had ruled the night before.

The little ones were dismayed at this, of course, having lost the chance to get a true firefighting cutie mark out of it. In truth, however, I never would have let them near the fire while it was still blazing.

Rarity didn't take long to calm down; apparently she was just surprised at her odd sleeping location, and woke up not realizing where she was.

Pinkie Pie was asking Fluttershy what she missed when she slept, and if any of us ever ended up having fun. Fluttershy, for her part, didn't know how to answer the fun part of the question, and I couldn't have helped her.

Applejack and Twilight were asking Rainbow Dash more about the trip to Canterlot, and were trying to get more details about why we were back so early and why Zecora was needed. Rainbow Dash was exaggerating the story with the moth monster that she didn't even see, making herself out to be the heroine that was saving me from the jaws—or, I guess, mandibles—of doom. The other two were looking at each other askance and trying not to laugh.

Spike and I just stared into the remnant of the blaze.

"Feel any better?" he asked me.

"Immeasurably so. This has been… an enlightening few days."

"Was your talk with Princess Celestia really that bad?"

"Not just that, no. I looked death in the eyes more times in the last few days than I have in any given year of my life. And I have learned some interesting things in that time, about myself and about others. And I finally know, for sure, that I am no longer alone."

"You never were," Twilight said, approaching us. Rainbow Dash's tale was over, and the ponies were breaking up and heading for their respective homes. "Let's put this fire out and go home."

The next month was spent fixing my sleep schedule. I was tired of letting the dreams screw with me, so I decided to just tell them to fuck off. I could deal with most of them anyway: tantalizing images of home, of family I left behind, of friends I'll never see again. I have a new home now, and new friends. We can only dwell on the past for so long.

And while I can't prove I didn't still wake up dreaming about a girl, you can shut the fuck up. I was basically promised now, and it wouldn't do for my… beloved… to find I was still harboring memories for another.

Yeah, that month was hell. I don't know if you've ever tried to force yourself onto a new sleep schedule, but it is not amusing. I don't remember much from it, but I'm pretty sure nothing that important happened.

Chapter Seven—Twilight's challenge

Not too long after that month, though, I was called on by Twilight for a favor.

I was feeling, put simply, amazing. A forced vegetarian diet for several months, along with more walks than I ever got back home and finally a sleep schedule worth praising, did wonders for my health. At nineteen, I was finally feeling truly at the peak of my life.

But as I said, Twilight asked me for a favor: "I have been… called out," she said distastefully. "Some upstart unicorn that came into town a few months before you arrived got a poor showing here, and I showed her up rather badly on accident. She fled, and has apparently spent the last several months learning new spells in order to take me on in a magical contest."

"So, you want me to take this bitch out?" I asked, patting my pocket with the knife.

"No, no. I just want you to help me trounce her worse than she ever has been, hard enough to make sure she never tries anything like this again."

"Psh. Boring. But whatever. I don't know why you need me, though."

"The rules of her little contest specify that we can only use things that we have magicked or enchanted. I can see an easy loophole in there that means I can use you, since I summoned you here."

"And you really think she doesn't know I'm here, or that you'll try to use me? Seems to me that if I was going to challenge someone that beat me before, I'd make sure to know all their tricks."

"She might, but what can she really do to counter you? Also included in her contest rules is that no pony is to be hurt."

"Yeah, there's your problem right there. No pony is to be hurt."

"I'm sure even Trixie isn't evil enough to hurt another sentient being on purpose."

"I hope you're right, lass. It's my life on the line here." And yours, if Luna finds out I got killed because of this.

"Of course, I won't let you go into it without every protection I can give you. I also won't let you go into it looking like… that. It was okay for the rodeo, but this is MY reputation."

"What's wrong with the way I look?" I asked. My beard, that I mentioned at the beginning, was ragged as fuck, and my hair was really starting to become a bit like a jewfro. My hair, you see, is really, really curly, and when it grows long it grows out, not down. I'm not much a fan of it, personally, but I don't see why it mattered for Twilight. And my shoes were definitely starting to get worn.

She pointed to a body length mirror and said, "Look there and you'll see the problem." Ouch.

"And I simply can't let you go wearing that. Do you still have that costume Rarity made you for the competition?"

"I'm never wearing that again. I don't care if it's half made of diamonds and probably the best armor in the world. I am not putting that on."

"Would it help if I said please?"

"I'm telling you, I'm not putting that on."

"Pleeeeeease?" She even tried batting her eyelashes.

Long story short, I didn't wear the outfit. I said I wouldn't, and I meant it.

With that out of the way, "So what do you propose to do about the rest of my… problematic appearance?" I asked.

"We do have a barber here, and I suppose he can figure out how to cut that ragged thing on your face off. Your mane, I'll leave up to you: You can either straighten it or shorten it." Not even married yet and I'm already being told how to dress.

"Mane? That's called hair. But whatever. I'll probably just have it straightened. The beard… Well, it does get hot. Since you asked so kindly, I'll do as you ask." I didn't tell her I would put my hair in the style called a pony tail, because she probably give me one of those looks and tell me to stop being stupid.

So she took me to the barber. I shit you not, the entire shop was set up like you'd expect in a show coming out of the 1950's. Even the barber looked like he belonged in one of those shows, being black and white himself. It was… disconcerting.

"Oh, hello Ms. Twilight. How can I help you today?" he asked.

"Hello, Mr. Thompson. Navarone here needs a shave. And if you can, he also needs his… hair… straightened."

"I don't know about dealing with hair, but if you mean that mop on the top of his head, I can straighten it out right quick. Getting rid of that stuff on his face might take a bit longer."

"Like I have a bloody choice in the matter. Whatever, Mr. Barber-man. Tell me where to sit so we can begin this farce."

When he pulled out the sheep shears I almost said fuck it. With a pitying look at me, though, he replaced them with a razor. How he was able to hold it with his hooves, though, I don't know, and I saw him do it. This world, man, it doesn't make sense sometimes. Anyway, he removed the scraggle from my face, and it instantly felt twenty degrees cooler in the room.

His method for straightening my hair definitely made sure I was awake and it made Twilight giggle: He dunked my head into a sink full of really, really cold water, and then pulled it all back and put it into what I call a pony tail and what they apparently call normal.

It was not amusing.

"Well, that was amusing," Twilight said as we were leaving. The barber was smiling at our backs as we walked away, my hair still dripping.

"If I had known you found getting dunked in cold water amusing, I would have found better ways to wake you up in the past."

"I don't think it would be too amusing if it happened to me, I mean. But it's funny when it happens to you."

"Of course."

Pinkie Pie just happened to be waltzing by at that moment. And I do mean waltzing: It looked like she was bloody dancing past. Knowing her, I wouldn't be too surprised if she was. When she saw me she stopped, and exclaimed, "Navarone! What happened to your head? It… shrank!" Several nearby ponies turned at her outburst, but seeing it was just Pinkie Pie, they shook their heads and went on.

"Twilight here seems to think we're married, and can dictate how I dress and style myself. I gave her the pleasure of saying yes once, and now she's making me fight to earn her favor."

"Yeah, that does sound about right for Twilight…" Pinkie Pie said."Give her an inch, and suddenly she demands you dispose of everypony in the room and hide their bodies in the pitch black night…" Sometimes I really, really wonder about Pinkie Pie.

"I'm standing right here, you know!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, I know. We were just in the barber shop together, remember?" I said.

"Yeah, Twilight, we're not blind," Pinkie Pie said.

Faced by a dual front of immaturity, Twilight just gave up.

Seeing an opportunity to perhaps cause Twilight more embarrassment, I asked, "So, Pinkie, do you waltz? I saw you dancing by, and that's what it looked like to me."

"YOU KNOW ABOUT WALTZING!" she yelled while grabbing me hurriedly and shaking me for emphasis. "None of the ponies here had ever heard about it before! I can't believe it took a human to finally find me a partner! Why didn't you ever mention it before?" Her tirade complete, she just looked at me with her large blue eyes, practically daring me to say something contrary.

"Well…" I started. Her eyes suddenly got more intensive and her grip got considerably tighter. "I was never very good at it, and it has been years since I actually did it last." Her grip was actually starting to hurt now, and I was wondering how the hell she was doing that with no fingers. "Uh, Pinkie Pie?"

Just as suddenly, she released me, smiled, stepped back, and said "I'll reteach you soon!" With that, she bounced off. I found myself fearing for my life again, and looked at Twilight imploringly.

"Don't look at me; you did this one to yourself." Damn her for being right.

"So when is this little show down of yours set to happen? And… where, I guess?"

"The when is three days. We leave tomorrow. The where… well, let's just say there's more than one reason I'm bringing you along. It's to be in an abandoned castle a day's walk away. She told me to come alone, but I don't guess you count, since you're one of the things I magicked. I would bring Spike, since I technically magicked him to life as well, but I don't think he'd be very useful in something like this."

My mind picked the words 'abandoned castle' out instantly. "You realize, of course, that this is a trap."

"Yes, I do. But I let all my friends know I'm going and when to expect me back. And, as I said, I'm bringing you with me. And don't think we're not going to be more prepared than you know. I remember you mentioning and describing to me how a weapon in your world worked, something called a crossbow. I had one made, as well as fifty bolts. It's a small thing, but it should be enough of a surprise against her if she tries to pull anything. I, of course, can't use it, but you can."

"Oh, hell yes. I've wanted to get my hands on one of those for years! How did you know how to make it, though? And… when did you make it? Didn't you only hear about this, like, yesterday?"

"I had it made a month ago, as soon as I realized you really were trustworthy and weren't about to kill us all as soon as you had the chance. I was just saving it for an emergency. And it wasn't really that difficult to make, but I think you'll find it's probably primitive compared to anything like it in your world. We are not so practiced at making weapons…"

"If it shoots straight and doesn't kick like a bull, I don't care. And I'm really glad to see you finally trust me. I'll be sure not to use it on someone unless they really deserve it."

"To you, deserving it might mean them looking at you funny."

"That's deserving it, not really deserving it. Big difference."

"Oh, and it's not to be used against Trixie unless she actually starts becoming dangerous."

"Just take all the fun out of it… Fine."

When she did show it to me, I found myself somewhat disappointed. It was a pain to crank back and the aim was a bit off. If she had showed it to me a week before I could have learned how to shoot it, but as it was I would be able to use it to ward off any far away threats and hope they were dead before they got within knife range, and then actually knife them if they weren't.

She also pulled out two brown cloaks, one for her and one for me. I started to feel a bit like Van Hellsing. I'm honestly not sure why she wanted us to go cloaked, but this was her show and I was just following the lead.

Rarity couldn't make me shoes before we left, but promised a pair to be done by the time we got back. So I just went with what I had and hoped they wouldn't fall apart across the terrain we had to cover. If I learned anything from my time here, it's that we make some really shoddy shoes back on Earth.

Anyway, the night passed and we left early in the morning. Applebloom saw us walking through the fields and asked if she could get the gang together to see if they could earn their spectator cutie marks, but we gently rebuked her and continued on our way.

I did make a request to stop off at Applejack's barn to pick something up, just in case. Twilight was curious, but I didn't offer any information so she dropped it.

"So," I asked a few hours later, "what does a magic competition usually involve?"

"Normally, they don't happen. And normally I wouldn't agree to participate in one. But… well, let's just say that she put forward a good argument as to why I should. But to actually answer your question, on the rare occasions they do happen, a certain number of bouts are staged, and whoever wins most of them wins. Basic rules are that anything goes, but she knew I wouldn't accept that so she added that nothing can be done to harm the other contestant. And since I'm pretty sure it's a trap and she won't hold by that, we're going in there protected by as many charms as I can cast."

"That's comforting, I suppose. What if it's not actually a trap, and you tire yourself out casting protection spells?"

"You haven't met Trixie. This is a trap."

"Your conviction inspires confidence. So you know it's a trap. What's the plan?"

"You're my trump card. She probably won't know what to make of you, and that'll put her off guard. If you can get close enough to her and get on her back, we pretty much have her beaten."

"So my job in this is to get in another rodeo match. As if the last one didn't go bad enough…"

"Think about it this way: If she really pisses you off, you have a knife, you're on her back, and we'd be in the middle of nowhere. If I think it's justified, I won't say a word."

"I refuse to believe you're condoning murder."

"Not murder, but self defense. I'm sure it won't come to that, though. We're both pretty good at thinking on our feet."

Says the girl that once ordered an exact replica of Ponyville built in less than five minutes… "I'm sure."

Let me tell you, that was a cold, cold night, sleeping on the ground, outside, without a beard. I was tempted to bury my face in Twilight's mane and dare her to say anything, but I didn't figure she would much like that.

The next morning, we continued on our way, and finally saw the castle looming on the horizon. We ducked behind a little hill to plan our next move.

"You're sure this is a trap?" I asked.

"Absolutely."

"Alright, my money is on two portcullises dropping as soon as we get inside the gate, trapping us between them. Can you cast an illusion of us and make us invisible? We can go before the illusion and have them follow us in, so that she thinks she has us trapped when in actuality we're inside the castle."

"Why don't we just cast the illusion, see if what you say is true, and then leave if it is?"

"Didn't you say she had a good reason to get you out here? I figure, we walked this far, we might as well see this through."

She blushed slightly at the mention of her reason, and that really got me wondering, but I didn't say anything. She agreed to the plan, and we proceeded on our way to the meeting invisible, followed by two doppelgangers.

To no one's surprise, the gates did crash down with our fakes caught between them. We heard laughter from one of the halls, and decided to watch and see rather than investigate. After all, maybe she was just pulling a prank?

Yeah, she totally wasn't. Who knew? Anyway, she came out, dressed in a ridiculous starred pointy hat and a purple cape, and started on a long and dreadfully boring monologue about how Twilight Sparkle had ruined this and that. She didn't look too surprised to see my illusion. It finally did get interesting, though, when she said this:

"I even almost managed to kill your stupid pet back at some competition a month ago! It took me the entire competition to build up the strength to cast that spell, and even then he still managed to escape! Well, neither of you will escape this time!"

"Yeah, this has gone on long enough," I said aloud, causing a very startled Trixie to turn around in shock.

She quickly recovered, though, and before I could vault at her, she disappeared. I snapped my fingers rather viciously.

"Well, I missed my chance. I suppose we should now begin this bloody dance." Twilight just shook her head and opened her mouth to say something.

She was interrupted by a disembodied voice: "You thought to trick the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie, did you? You'll not beat me so easily!"

"Wait, why didn't we just teleport here? Surely you know how to do that!" I said.

"First, we can't teleport long distances, or somewhere we've never been before. Second, now's not a good time."

Indeed, it wasn't. Ropes were starting to come at us in many directions, and I was suddenly very glad I wasn't a Japanese schoolgirl.

I took a bottle out of my cloak that I was suddenly very glad I had liberated from Applejack and took a swig, then pulled out my lighter and hoped to God that I knew what I was doing.

I took a long swig of the booze, almost gagging at the terrible taste, and flicked my lighter. I spit fire at the ropes.

Ropes don't burn very well, as I soon found out. Oh, you can light them on fire, but they don't burn that quickly, at least not with that little amount of fire.

So instead of being attacked my regular magic rope, I was being attacked by burning magic rope. I heard laughter in the air around me.

Twilight saw my plight and just swatted the ropes out of their air before they did much to me, other than smack me around a small bit.

To put it bluntly, though, the entire process hurt like a bitch, and if I still had my beard I would have lost most of it. The good news is that, despite my first degree facial burns, most of the ropes had been destroyed by either the small amount of fire made or by Twilight knocking them away. Twilight killed the rest of them while I did everything I could to ease the burning.

"What did you do?" she asked.

"I twied someting I only ewa saw on TV, using someting I bowowed fwom Applejack." I had honestly expected to use it in a more medicinal sense, in the off chance that I got cut and Twilight was too busy. I put it to a better 'medicinal use' by drinking some of it. "Remind me to never do that again," I said, feeling a bit better.

Clouds were suddenly gathering over the castle, and Twilight motioned us to go inside. I thought the rain might feel good against my burnt lips, but I knew better than to argue. We had just gotten the doors shut behind us when a huge bolt of lightning shot down and exploded against the ground we had just vacated. "Holy shit, this bitch is playing for keeps!" I shouted over the ringing in my ears. Twilight didn't answer, and was instead looking at the room we had entered.

See, this is another case when I would love to be a smoker. I honestly did not know what to make of this room. It was… indescribable, in a bad way.

"Well," I said, thinking back to Celestia's words about sacrifices and power, "we know how Trixie got more powerful. And we know that she is not to escape." Yeah, I'm not going to write what we saw in there. I will say that we later torched the building, and that Twilight still occasionally wakes up in cold sweat about seeing it.

Twilight got very scary after seeing that room. Her eyes started glowing very, very brightly and the storm completely disappeared. Yeah, I could tell then that it was on.

And God, was it. We stuck together, with her dealing with the magic threats and most of the mundane ones before I could even react. It was not a pretty sight we left behind us, and the castle—well on its way to being decrepit anyway—was completely unlivable after we passed through its corridors.

We had to go through all manner of creatures wandering the halls. Snakes were the most common, though we ran into rabid rats and even a raccoon once, though I'm not certain it was actually our enemy; at that point we were just killing anything that moved and wasn't one of us. I dealt with a few of the snakes by taunting them with the cloak and getting them to attack it, then cutting off their heads with my knife. I stepped on the rats. I got lucky and shot the raccoon with the crossbow, but I had to finish it off by breaking its neck.

The magical dangers were worse, but most of them didn't even fully manifest before a very, very angry Twilight dissipated them. One of the rooms we went to was somehow full of water, and I was knocked on my ass as it rushed out. For some reason, there were piranhas in the water, as though Trixie didn't know that piranhas almost never actually attacked people, especially not when they're rushing past you faster than you could even register them in a flood of water.

When we finally got to the throne room of the castle, we discovered Trixie yet again. She wasn't laughing anymore, and seemed to be doing her best to just stay alive against Twilight's onslaught. I had reloaded the crossbow and readied my aim, when a lot of things happened all at once.

First, I shot. Trixie was in the middle of casting a spell when my bolt hit her right on the horn, shattering both the bolt and the horn. Second, right after I shot and destroyed Trixie's horn, the spell she was casting just exploded everywhere, and tendrils of magic shot out of the horn, encompassing the room in a brilliant glow of constantly shifting colors. Third, most of the castle roof collapsed under the strain of centuries of rot and the insane magical duels that had been going on and landed on us all, knocking at least me the hell out. Unmanaged magic from Twilight's horn shot everywhere before the flow completely cut off. Fourth, and finally, there was stillness. We had all been knocked completely unconscious from the outburst of magic from Twilight losing concentration and Trixie losing her horn. And, for the record, I was aiming for Trixie's heart, not that I really expected her to have one anymore.

A note from your friend Discord

I figure I should probably put what really happened with Trixie in here.

As soon as I was 'accepted' by enough of the ponies in Ponyville to be allowed to go outside often in my human form, I began taking walks. Sometimes I was gone for hours. Some of these were legitimate walks, just me thinking over the millennia in peace.

Sometimes, I ghosted around this world, looking through minds. I was doing this one day when I found poor, sweet Trixie lost in her mind, tortured by her actions and betrayed by her peers. Or so it looked to her mind, at least. The truth of that matter is a little bit different: She was a braggart with nowhere near the power she pretended to have. She finally got upstaged by Twilight, and her performances were all downhill from there. She tried to learn proper unicorn magic, only to have most of her efforts fail due to lack of patience. She wanted power and fame, not magic.

As soon as I realized this, I sought her out.

I found her first when she was alone, on the side of the road. It was raining heavily, and she had nothing—no shelter, no money, no friends… The poor mare was soaked, freezing. I gently picked her up and brought her through the shadows to a bolt hole I prepared long, long ago.

As soon as we got inside, I set her on a bed that had not been there before and snapped my fingers. Immediately she awoke, fully alert and completely dry. When she opened her eyes I disappeared, and the entire safe haven transformed around her.

"Where… where am I?" she whispered. To her eyes she was in a well-lit one-room home, modestly furnished and rather homey. Her bed was warm and comfortable, well-used. An unlit fireplace stood against the wall, with a cooking spit over where the flames would stand. The window showed sunlight peaking through, with trees right outside. A letter was on the foot of her bed.

Hesitantly, she picked it up. The letter was my test, to see if she could truly be made mine. "Had to step out. Be back in a few hours. If you wake up, the door is unlocked if you choose to leave. There is a town a few miles down the road. – Your friend."

If she chose to leave, I would let her go back to her life of misery and loneliness. If she chose to leave, I would find someone different.

I gave her half an hour. She got up and put a hoof on the door twice. Both times she stopped herself. She was looking out the back window—seeing rolling plains ending in a forest—when I knocked on the door.

She hesitated, looking back and forth between the door and the window. I gently pushed the door open with my new hoof. For this little ploy, I had turned myself into a white pegasus stallion. A very, very handsome white pegasus stallion.

She saw me and froze. "Oh, you're awake!" I said, entering and closing the door behind me. "I was starting to think you would never get up." She was still silent. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

She suddenly blinked, and nodded. "Yes, I am. Much better now, thank you." She's mine. Her normal personality is boisterous and crude to others she considers beneath her. She speaks in third person and whatnot. "What happened? I don't remember…"

"There was a terrible storm a few days ago. We get some unexpected storms out here coming out of the Everfree forest. I was one of the pegasi on duty that day fighting it when I saw you down below. You were barely breathing, and we were so far from town… I brought you here. It isn't much, but I've had a few friends that know a bit about healing come by to make sure you were healthy enough."

As soon as I mentioned it, I saw her mouth 'Everfree forest?' "Where exactly am I? I don't remember being so far west!"

"We're a few miles outside of Hoofington," I said, walking up to the fireplace. "Bah! Forgot the bloody flint again…" I looked over to her, and then up to her horn. "I don't suppose you could…"

She blushed slightly and summoned a small cloud of lightning over the logs. With a flash that left me blinking, the fire was lit.

I shook my head to clear it. "Thanks, but you don't have to show off for me."

She blushed deeper. "Sorry. I'm a magician, you see… Showing off is my job!" I could see it in her mind. She isn't usually this humble. Nor does she usually talk like this. That storm absolutely terrified her. If she wasn't so certain that I had saved her life, she would have left as soon as she woke up. And if I wasn't so handsome, she would have greeted me by demanding I be humbled to be in the 'presence of the great and powerful Trixie.'

I smiled at her, "I knew it had to be something to do with magic." Her cutie mark was a flashing wand. "I always like seeing magic being used, myself; I would trade these wings for a horn in an instant," I said, fluttering them slightly.

"You would give up the freedom of air so easily?"

"It is hardly giving it up," I commented, pouring water in from the tank outside through the window and into a pot. "I have seen magic create wings in the past. Nothing overly strong, and they were very flashy, but they worked."

Her mind flinched a bit at that. She thought I was expecting her to be able to do such feats.

I continued, "Of course, I know magic like that is incredibly hard to do. I don't know if I would have the discipline to be able to pull off such feats. Not like my talent would have anything to do with magic, like yours."

I saw her jerk back in my peripheral vision while I started dropping some vegetables into the pot, and continued talking, "I do have a good friend that lives near me, though, that knows a lot of magic. She is old and eccentric, but I've heard it said that Princess Celestia herself sometimes comes to visit her, since her knowledge is so vast. As many chores as I've done for her, she surely owes me something by now, even if it is just a bit of teaching."

I picked the pot up in my mouth for all of a second before it thumped back down to the table. "Gah! I'm so bloody forgetful… Too hard to move the pot after I fill it! I don't suppose you could help me out again?" I asked, finally looking at her.

She blinked, and used her magic to put the pot over the fire. "So… how long have I been asleep?"

"Assuming you passed out during the storm, three days or so. My unicorn friend offered to do some manner of healing magic over you, but mentioned there might be some manner of price involved in your body. I wasn't going to let her do anything that might hurt you."

"Thank you… What's your name?"

I blinked. "Forgot to tell you that too? My name is Regal, friend. I'm the royal guard assigned to these parts, watching the forest for anything that might come out. It's a pretty slow job, thankfully."

"And lonely," she said, looking out the window again.

I bent back over the stew, stirring it with a wooden spoon. "Yeah, it is. I sometimes go for weeks without seeing anypony. It's a job somepony has to do, though. Might as well be me, who has no real family anyway. You know, you never did tell me your name." I turned back to find her staring at me.

"Trixie," she said. "Officially, it's The Great and Powerful Trixie, but after all you've gone through Trixie is fine."

"Well Trixie, it's nice to meet you. You're welcome here for as long as you want to stay."

"I wouldn't want to intrude! There's only one bed, and you surely can't have too much food stockpiled around here!"

I waved my hoof. "I'm used to roughing it; I have a pretty large patrol area and I occasionally have to sleep outside. I don't mind sleeping on the floor. And I grow most of my own food, so my royal pay usually ends up being either donated or used on gifts. I could use some of that to buy food, if I needed to. I could even bring my friend by! I'm sure she would love discussing magic with somepony who is actually born into it; she gets lonely, and is always looking for somepony to teach or talk with." I gave it a beat. "Not that you need teaching, I mean! It's just, she knows so much!"

She smiled, "I know what you mean, Regal. I would love to meet her, if y—" There was suddenly a massive crashing sound heard from a few miles away. I shot to the window showing the forest.

"Hydra!" I opened a chest in front of the bed and started throwing on my armor. "Stay here! It won't be here for another few minutes, and I have to evacuate my friend. I'll send her here. Between the two of you, you can keep the thing from the town while I slow it down." I didn't give her a chance to argue, as I knew she would have, and burst out the door. I also knew she would stay there; I had given her several things she wanted, and had promised or hinted at more.

I waited a few minutes, to let her stew. She stared out the window the entire time. It was quite a shock to her when a very, very old looking mare put a hoof on her shoulder. "Come away from the window, child. Regal will stop the hydra easily enough."

Trixie jumped. "How did you… Where did you…" She turned to get a better look at me. I was a large mare, old and wrinkled. My horn was much larger than the average unicorn's, and my back held two massive scars that looked as though something had been ripped away long ago. My face bore a gentle smile.

"You shouldn't expect a pony as old as I am to walk everywhere, dear. If I thought Regal would let me, I would have taken care of that hydra in an instant, but I suppose you know how he worries." I moved over to the stew and started stirring it a bit with some chaos magic, making sure my horn was also glowing. "Though you might not; he said he didn't actually know you when he brought you here. So, what brings you around these parts?"

"Oh, I'm just a traveling magician. Regal certainly seems to think I have more magic than I do, though…"

"Oh, he thinks the same of most unicorns. He always had a fondness for all things magical… That's probably what made him sign up for the royal guard." I tapped the spoon against the lid and sat on the bed. "He was heartbroken when he was stationed out here, away from everypony. I know he gets so lonely… I keep him company when I can, but I'm often busy with something or another for the Princess as well."

"He mentioned you sometimes teaching unicorns…"

"Oh, I do, occasionally. I haven't had a student in a while, though. Celestia rarely finds anypony willing to travel all the way out here to learn from me; I suppose I've been forgotten over the years. I think it's been near fifty years or so since I last taught somepony. Celestia would like to keep me closer, but I've grown weary of the stuffiness of cities like Canterlot." I saw Trixie mouth 'Fifty years?' before I finished. I gave her a second, before looking her up and down. "Hm. You're a magician, you said. I know they don't learn all that much real magic. Plenty of tricks and a few useful spells, but nothing that powerful. If you agree to stay here for a little while and keep us both company, I think I could teach you quite a bit. Some of it is magic that no pony has used in centuries. Some of it is kept only for the princesses themselves."

"And you would just be willing to give this magic to me? All I have to do is stay here and learn it?"

"There might be a bit more to it than that, but basically yes. What I have to teach is hard, but there are a few ways of making it easier. Some of it isn't for the squeamish, either; there's a reason the princesses keep it to themselves."

"If you don't mind my asking, if they keep it to themselves then how do you know it?"

"Because I am friends with a powerful creature, older and stronger than both of the princesses combined. There is much he can do for the likes of us." Her eyes flicked to my back. "Do you know what an alicorn is, Trixie?"

"That's what the horn of a unicorn is made of, I think."

"Yes. But it is something else as well. An alicorn is a pony that has pegasus wings and a unicorn's horn. Celestia is an alicorn. Luna is an alicorn. I was an alicorn, long ago. My friend could make me whole again, if I but asked him. Would you like to meet him, Trixie?"

She was silent for a minute. She finally gave a slow, weak nod.

I smiled, and began to change. As I changed, so too did the room we were in. I slowly expanded, growing upwards into my true shape. The room we were in grew cold and tall, cave-like. When the change was finished, I smiled a toothy grin. Trixie stared on wide-eyed.

"Trixie," I purred. "I have been told a bit about you. Sit, sit!" I said, placing a sofa next to her. I summoned a throne for myself, and sat back. She just gaped. "You'll catch flies like that, my dear. Please, sit." Stiffly, she did so. "I'm sure you have a few questions."

"Where… where did she go?"

"She's waiting in Regal's cottage for you to return. For her, the wait will be instantaneous. When you have powers like mine, you can do all manner of things." I snapped my fingers, and a flower called Heart's Desire appeared in my hands. I casually stretched my arm farther than it should be able to go and put it behind her ear. She watched, wide-eyed. "Unlike our alicorn friend, though, I can see into your mind." She flinched. "I know your true heart's desires, Trixie. Revenge, fame, power. And behind all that, you want something more. Something… deeper. Friendship, perhaps? Or maybe love?" I waved my hand. "I can give you power. Through power you can obtain revenge and fame. I can give you power to rival that of Celestia herself. But I know you aren't ready for the sacrifice it would take, yet. I foresee that you will be, but you aren't yet."

"What kind of sacrifice would it take?" she whispered.

"Close your eyes," I said with a smile. She did, after a second. I leaned in close and gently pressed a finger against her head. She flinched, but made no other movements. I showed her ruling alongside me, dominating Equestria and the world. Her head bore a crumbled horn, gnarled and ghastly. Her body was changed, corrupted in some ways and beautified in others. Before us bowed Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, all in forms of obeisance. There were others around us, standing proud and victorious, but she didn't recognize them yet.

In the vision I turned to her and said, "What would you give to make this true, Trixie?"

She was staring at the princesses. Tears streaked Celestia's face, and Luna looked considerably older. Luna still had defiance in her gaze, but hid it behind a façade of sorrow. Twilight looked completely broken, faded away. Her mane was mostly grey, and her horn didn't reflect any light.

"…Anything…"

I smiled.

I left her under the supervision of Regal and the alicorn with no name—both of which were just me, of course. She learned much, and quickly. Learning is so much easier when you have magic as strong as mine supplementing your mind. In time she began to love Regal, which is exactly what I needed.

"I'm being reassigned," Regal told Trixie over dinner.

She dropped her spoon.

"To a little place called Ponyville. Apparently they get all manner of monster attacks there, for some reason. I'm supposed to guard some unicorn named Twilight Sparkle, or something like that. She's a student of the princess, and is often called into dangerous situations." I shrugged. "I just wanted to warn you. I know your studies are progressing well with our friend, and you wouldn't want to leave them behind, so you can keep the house; I built it myself so the princess has no hold over who lives here."

She felt sorrow, first, and then a great rage when she heard the name Twilight. Regal didn't know anything about Twilight, other than that he was supposed to be protecting her. "When are you leaving?" she asked in a very clipped voice.

"Tomorrow, sadly," I said. "I would have told you sooner, but the princess doesn't believe in giving advanced notices."

"Can't you ask to stay here a little while longer?" she asked in a tone that would have broken my heart if I still had one.

"Sadly, no. When the princess demands it, we jump. This border is quiet, anyway; there hasn't been an attack ever since that hydra. I'm sure you and our friend could keep anything at bay, anyway." She smiled weakly at the compliment. I tried to get her to laugh a few times, to no avail.

After we retired for the night, she whispered aloud, "Discord, we need to talk."

I immediately pulled her to me. "I want to hurt somepony," she told me. "Badly."

I smiled widely and began outlining plans.

A few months later, Twilight and Navarone confronted Trixie at the old castle. I had given Trixie many powers and many traps, but I made sure Twilight had more on her side. In the end, when Trixie failed, her horn was destroyed and I pulled her away from the castle, back to my lair.

She woke up weeping.

"What is wrong, my beautiful Trixie," I asked, looming over her.

"I failed!" she moaned. "So many preparations! So much power! And I still failed! And not only did I fail, I lost all of my magic forever! You lied to me, you monster!"

I let her finish her tirade, before gently picking her up and rocking her lightly in my arms. "No, Trixie, you did not fail. You did exactly what I needed you to do: Your sacrifice is complete, and you are ready." I stopped rocking her and held her up to look me eye to eye. "Do you still wish to serve me, knowing what our future will be when we win?"

She considered. A minute passed. I knew her answer for she finally said, "Yes, Discord. I will serve you, if it means Twilight will bow before me."

I let her go and she squeaked, expecting to fall. She hung suspended in the air. I reached across the world, into the castle where her battle was lost, and grabbed some of her broken horn. My eyes bored into hers with an intensity that caused her to sweat; she tried to force her eyes away from mine, but couldn't. "Die, Trixie," I intoned, "Daughter of Celestia." I brought my hand with the alicorn pieces in a great arc down upon her head, and impacted the spot where her horn had been with an explosive rumble.

Her eyes opened as wide as they could, turning completely black. A fierce white light shone from my hand, illuminating the dimly-lit cave. I held my hand against her head for a minute. When the ritual was complete, I tenderly removed my hand and arm. On her head stood a cracked, incomplete horn. It was broken, as was any of her connections to the pony race. "Die, daughter of Celestia. And rise, Trixie, Servant of Discord."

Her eyes slowly cleared of the blackness, returning to their original light purple, holding an intensity they lacked before. She slowly descended to the floor and looked up at me. "Master," she whispered, bowing her head. Her horn shifted slightly in its magic field, the pieces gently bouncing against each other as they hung above her.

Chapter Eight—Fuck. Everything.

I don't know how long I was out, but I'm pretty sure I was the first one awake.

And I woke up very, very pissed. Why, when I was alive and victorious?

I WAS A FUCKING PONY! Oh, I was going to beat somebody to death because of this. Or rather, I thought nastily, trample them to death.

I don't know what the hell Trixie's spell was supposed to do, but it completely screwed everything up. Twilight, I saw—or at least, what I thought was Twilight—was now a human. A very cute, nerdy, naked human. Somewhat disturbingly, she still had a horn. Her hair was the same color as her mane, which I thought was a nice touch. All of my clothes were completely destroyed, including my now worthless shoes. My cloak was fine, at least. And in case you were wondering, reader, I did not have a horn, but I did somehow have wings. So I wasn't turned into a pony, I guess, but rather a pegasus. And I swore that as soon as I got back to civilization and could get a letter to Celestia, that would change.

Of Trixie there was no sign. She was just completely gone. There were a few shards of unicorn horn left, but that was it.

I shakily stood on my new legs and tried walking around a bit. It wasn't that hard, but it was a bit annoying, and I had to concentrate to not try to stand on just two. I also kept misjudging distances, since my eyes were in very different places. Once I got the hang of it, I tried prodding Twilight with one of my hooves. I looked over to where Trixie had been, but decided not to go looking for her.

I was about to prod Twilight again, when she suddenly stirred. When she tried to rub her head, she quickly opened her eyes and shouted. She leaned up and I swear to God, I tried not to look, but damn! I remembered that she wasn't wearing any clothes when she was transformed, aside from the cloak that was now too small for her. When I was able to drag my eyes away from a pleasant sight I hadn't seen in a good long while, I saw her eyes were purple.

She looked over at me and hesitantly asked, "Navarone?"

"Guilty as charged, sadly."

"What… what happened?"

I described what went down, her magic mixing with Trixie's broken spell. She slowly nodded when I finished my description.

"I… don't know what she was trying to cast, but I'm glad it didn't work. What happened to her?"

"I destroyed her horn with the crossbow. After that, she vanished."

"Vanished? Where could she have gone, with no horn?"

"Maybe her last spell was a teleport spell, and she escaped. She won't be much trouble, now, not without a horn. If I find her again, I'll be sure to kill her."

"Why would you kill her, now that she's beaten?"

"Would you want to live without magic, in prison, for the rest of your life?"

"Well, no. But with the other option being death? Maybe. I don't know…"

"I wouldn't. I don't like being held like that."

Twilight sighed. "I don't suppose she would, either. But we should ask Princess Celestia first. She might have something in mind."

I frowned. I preferred my version of justice rather than the manner of justice Celestia might give.

"We have to deal with this mess first, though," she continued. "We have a… a room of bodies, and who knows what else in this building."

My mind was still reeling at my sudden transformation. I felt stronger, for one, and I really felt like I could run a hell of a lot faster. I was a sleek white pegasus with a dark brown mane, fitting my looks as a human, I suppose.

"So, what the hell do we do?"

"Search the castle, and then we get back to Ponyville and write Princess Celestia a letter, and hope she can fix this. I still have my horn, so I can probably still do magic, but I have no idea how to fix… this!" She waved her arm over us, encompassing us both. Then she suddenly shivered. "Oh, this is so cold! No wonder you always wear clothes!" With that, she sadly covered herself with my old cloak.

I stood up and offered her a hoof to help her stand with. She looked at it and grabbed it, doing her best to stand on two legs. She was very wobbly, and held a hand on my back to steady herself as we walked to my ruined clothes. "Can you go through my pockets and grab everything?" I asked. "I would, but…" I sighed, looking at my hooves. Dammit, those were my only pair of jeans…

She did so, and frowned at some of what she pulled out. "Why are you still carrying these gloves? And why are they so heavy?" she asked.

"They're weighted, for one. That means I can do a hell of a lot more damage with them without anyone expecting me to be able to." I kept a commentary going as she pulled out more stuff. "That's a lighter. You saw me use it earlier with the ropes. That's my knife… Would have made that grisly bit of work a lot easier… That's a bottle of spirits from Applejack. Surprised it didn't break under me. Be careful with that, lass, we might need it again."

When I explained that one to her, she looked at me oddly. "Spirits? This is the same stuff you gave Rainbow Dash?" At my nod, she eagerly opened the bottle and, before I could stop her, drained half the remained stuff before recoiling so badly I thought she was going to drop the bottle. "How on Equestria can you drink that stuff! It's absolutely disgusting!"

"Because," I said through a grimace, "by the time you drink as much as you just did you usually don't care about taste anymore. Close that thing up and don't waste any more! God, what came over you?"

"Rainbow Dash told me about the experiment, in exchange for enchanting something for her a while back." I snorted at that. "I always wondered, after that, what some of this stuff would be like. If it's anything like that, I don't know how you got Rainbow Dash to drink it!"

"Well, we used better distillation methods when we made it the first time. It tasted a lot better."

"Whatever. Is there anything else you want from this pile?"

"Grab the cloak. You can wear that instead and I can take yours. If we're going back to town, we're probably going to want to hide my blank flank." She nodded, removing the pony cloak from her back and throwing it on mine, and pulled my cloak from the floor. I did my best to not look at her while she was doing it.

"Anything else?" she finally asked.

"Is my belt any good?"

Turns out that somehow it was. I don't know how it didn't break like everything else, but Twilight looped it around her cloaked form and cinched it tight.

She gingerly picked up the crossbow and the quiver of bolts I had left. She looked at them oddly, and then hung them both over my neck. "I don't think I could use something like that if I wanted to," she whispered, then looked at the horn fragments "Well, I don't think I could use it anymore." She shuddered, then got a thoughtful look on her face. She reached down and scooped the horn fragments into her hands, and dropped them in a pocket in the cloak. "I've never been able to do any good experiments on alicorn," she said.

We supported each other as we searched through the rest of the castle. We didn't find anything worth looting or worth noting. "And now?" I asked.

"Now, we burn this place and leave." Huh. It's not like Twilight to actually want to burn something. But then, I'm a pyromaniac, so what did I care?

So we did just that. Setting the fire took a while, because I had to point out to Twilight how to use the lighter, since she didn't trust magic right then. It was running dangerously low on fuel when we beat feet, which presented another set of problems entirely. The first, being that we forgot to raise the gate. That was easily fixed, though parts of the castle were sort of burning down: The gear was right next to the gatehouse, and it was large enough that I could push it even in my crappy pony body. I pushed it and she locked it in place and we were free.

Which led to the other problem: Twilight had no shoes. She suffered in silence for a minute before she stepped on a thorn in the grass. After that, she was riding on my back. She folded the cloak that I didn't really need into some manner of blanket or something to cushion some of the pain, but I knew she would still be feeling plenty on the long walk back.

"You know," I said, "this is going to be very awkward to explain to your friends. They're going to be laughing for quite a while after this."

"At me, maybe. They'll probably be too busy blushing at you to laugh."

"Don't even start. Celestia is going to turn us both back and that will be the end of that."

"Who knows? Maybe you'll find you like being a pegasus."

"I don't have thumbs! And I don't have any magic to use instead!"

"Thousands have gotten by before you without them. I don't see why you should be any different."

"Because I would know what I was missing. And what about you? Maybe you'll decide you like being a human."

"Is that a hint of a blush I see?"

"N—no!" I stammered. "This fur, it's just bloody hot! I don't see how you ponies stand it."

"Riiight. And if I do… this?" I looked back and saw that she let the cloak drop a little. I turned beat red and stumbled, causing her to almost lose her balance. She just laughed.

"You're drunk!" I accused. "And let's see how you'd react to being in your prime as the only member of your species, when you suddenly found someone of the opposite sex there!"

"I'd like to think that I would handle it better than you are."

"Yeah, but he sure as hell wouldn't!" She laughed at that, too. I was tempted to 'accidentally' drop her.

A few hours later, she said, "We could just sneak in under cover of darkness and get Spike to send a letter to Celestia, and use threats of violence to keep him quiet."

"Nay," I said, and heard it come out very elongated, causing me to blush again. "No," I tried again, "we don't want to risk her taking too long to respond and having your friends rush off to your rescue. I don't want them to find what we left behind, just in case…" We both grimaced.

We made camp about halfway there. My back was unused to carrying the burden of a person, and her body was unused to riding, so it was a mutual agreement. I noticed that she had considerably less reservations than I about cuddling against me to keep warm, which I did my best to pretend to not notice, with decidedly mixed results. She was definitely drunk. Lightweight.

A few hours into the next day, she started testing her fingers out. "Twilight… What are you doing?" I asked as I felt her fingers in my… my mane.

"I just noticed how much I can feel with these things!" she merrily said, gently scratching the back of my head.

"Yeah, fingers have a lot of nerve receptors. Do your best not to hurt them, because any cuts there really hurt." Her fingers moved up to my ears and started scratching those. I lowered my head to try to get away from her questing fingers. "Stop it!"

She pulled her hands back. "Does that hurt?" she asked.

"No, it feels good," I said, bringing my head back up. Her hands went right back to my ears, scratching them gently. "Quit it!"

"Why, if it feels good?" she coyly asked.

"Because… I don't like it." I finally managed to say.

"You don't like things that feel good?" she asked, not stopping.

"It's demeaning!"

"It's just me and you here, Nav. No pony's judging you."

"If I knew how to use this body I would buck you off right now." I settled for lowering my head as far as I could. I felt my ears flatten against my head somehow.

She just leaned over and continued. "You're just giving me more surface area to work with, Nav," she giggled.

"I don't like being touched, dammit!" I finally yelled. "And if you don't knock it off you can walk the rest of the way back!"

She finally relented, pulling her hands back. "You don't like being touched?" she asked. "Why not?"

"I could explain why, but you wouldn't believe me. So I'm just going to say this: I will never, ever tell you."

"But… I'm sitting on you right now. Doesn't that bother you?"

"Not really. It's just like wearing a backpack."

"Why didn't you mention this before? I know some of us have touched you in the past."

"They were fleeting touches, nothing lasting. And none of you have ever had fingers until now. Usually it's just something I deal with or get the other person to stop on my own. You're the only person I've ever told, and the only reason I told you is because there's not much I can really do to stop you." I sighed. "And now Pinkie is going to be touching me every time she sees me. Fuck."

"The only way they'll know is if I tell them. And why would I do that?"

"I don't know why you would. I just know that you probably will. At least when I'm a human again I can stop her."

"After so long you still trust me so little?" She sounded hurt. "I can keep a secret, Nav!"

"Yeah. You can. But will you? I suppose time will tell."

We walked in silence for a few minutes. Finally she spoke up, "You know, the best way to get rid of a phobia is to confront it." She gently put her hands on the sides of my neck.

"I don't want to get rid of it. Take your hands off of me."

"Hmm… How about this: You tell me why you're afraid of being touched and I'll stop."

"How about this instead: You take your hands off me and you can continue riding on me."

"I just want to understand! I thought humans encouraged understanding everything!"

"And sometimes people just need their privacy. Drop it. And your hands, while you're at it."

"Ugh! Why are you so difficult, Nav?"

We walked in silence for a bit longer. "I don't think you would make me walk," she finally said. "You know what it's like walking barefoot far more than I do. And if you've already carried me this far, I think you sympathize enough to carry me the rest of the way. Especially if either way I can touch you."

"You know I don't like being touched. You know this, because I told you. And yet you still seem so adamant about touching me. Why is that?"

She was silent for a little while. "You're… You feel nice," she finally answered.

"Well, save it until we get to Ponyville. You can pet Pinkie all day; her fluffy hair is really soft."

She decided to try a different tactic. "How do you ever plan on getting a special somepony if you are afraid of being touched?"

"Uh… I don't?"

"What?" I think she was surprised at my answer.

"Twilight, I thought we had been over this. The thought of sex with a pony almost makes me sick. I might be able to fall in love with one, but taking it further would be difficult, and I think I would be hard-pressed to find a chick that doesn't want any sex at all." Well, that and I already had someone lined up for me. If Luna ever wanted to… consummate her 'love' for me, things might be awkward fast. Even more awkward, that is.

"Oh, right! The whole bestiality thing. You know we're not animals, right?"

"We've had this conversation before, Twilight. My position hasn't changed." Though to be quite honest, I knew it very well might in the future. After so long… Well, there's no telling what might happen to my mind.

She sighed. We walked in silence for a bit longer. After a while she let out a frustrated groan. "I just got these fingers, Nav! Everything feels so wonderful! Can I please just stroke you?" I felt myself stiffen a bit at that before I realized what she meant.

I growled lightly but stopped after a moment. "If you stop when I tell you to stop, okay." I'm going to regret this.

She giggled with glee and began toying with my hair again. I dealt with it as well as I could. Then her hands moved down to the sides of my neck. And then under my neck. One of her hands went to scratch me under the chin while the other reached lower.

I don't know what she was doing, but my mind felt clouded when her hand started scratching my chin. I didn't notice where her other hand was until I felt her somehow rubbing my belly. I stiffened up immediately. "Enough!" I told her. She kept going. "Twilight, stop it!" Nothing. I pulled my head back and bit the hand that was scratching my chin.

She yelped and ripped her hands back. I noticed then that I had actually stopped walking. Note to self: My chin is my weak point. I started back up again. "Nav…" Twilight said.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said.

"I'm sorry! I'm just not used to these sensations!"

"You aren't going to get used to them on me. You probably won't have time to at all. Once Celestia gets to us we can turn back. Thank God, too; being a pony sucks."

"But you haven't even experienced any of it yet!"

"Nor do I really want to. I know you know how odd it feels for you, being a human when used to a pony body. I feel entirely wrong like this."

"Well… You got that right. But don't you want to fly?"

"Ever since I fell from Cloudsdale I've been afraid of high places." Actually, I was afraid of heights before that, but no one needed to know that. "I really don't want to, no."

She groaned again. "Are you really going to let your fears conquer you like this, Nav? I thought you were stronger than this!"

"And maybe I have good reason for some of them. I don't like being touched but you convinced me to let you do it on the promise that you would stop when I told you to—a promise that you broke. I was afraid of heights from the beginning, but I pretended to be okay because it made Rainbow Dash happy. She told me I would be fine and that nothing would happen to me. And I nearly fell to my death—the only reason I was saved was because I got Fluttershy to help me. I'm sure I could probably come up with other examples if I felt like going into more things I'm afraid of."

"But… falling from Cloudsdale was a fluke!"

"Every time I've been to that city I nearly fell to my death, Twilight. Disregarding the sample size, a one hundred percent ratio of total failures is unacceptable."

"Why do you have to be so… ugh!" Ugh. A fitting description, I suppose.

Most of the rest of the walk back was in silence, until we got to within view of Applejack's ranch. We decided we might as well get it over with, and walked or rode down to meet her.

Applejack did not much know what to think of us. She looked at me and said, "Twilight?"

"Up here," she answered, from atop my back.

"…Navarone?" Applejack said, looking back at me.

"The same."

I almost thought she was going to dispute it, before she said, "I really hope y'all put a hurtin' on Trixie for doing that to you."

"I don't think she'll be bothering us again," I said.

Applejack didn't know how to respond to that, so Twilight said, "We didn't exactly know how we should go about approaching the town. There will be some… confusion, I believe."

"I'll say…" Applejack answered, and thought for a moment. "Why not just wait until dark, wrap that cloak around you, and saunter in like you own the place?"

"That was our plan, but we also didn't want all of you to go rushing off to rescue us in case Celestia couldn't change us back right away. Navarone here thought the first thing you would do upon seeing us would be to rush off to tell the rest of our friends so they could see us before we changed. I told him you were more loyal than that."

"Now, in my defense," I said, "that isn't exactly how I put it."

"Wellll…" Applejack said, then immediately ran off, snickering.

"Dammit, I told you!" We both sighed. "Well, nothing for it now," I said, and began walking into town.

We got some odd looks, I'll admit. More, I soon realized, directed at me than at her. I flicked my new ears and picked up some of the horrified whispers: "A blank flank, at his age? What is the world coming to?" "Look at him! Never seen one quite like him before…" Not something I'm entirely proud of, but Twilight actually was correct when she said I would get more blushes than laughs.

Even Scootaloo, when we ran into her, seemed shocked to see me. She was more shocked at my lack of a cutie mark, though, and completely failed to notice Twilight on my back, just as she completely failed to notice she was going very fast on a scooter, and just barely managed to stop before crashing. "Mister, why don't you have a cutie mark?" she asked. Twilight sniggered. I shifted, making her rush to not fall.

"Because I only just turned into a pony about a day ago," I told her, and then I saw it click.

"…Navarone?"

"Guilty."

"Guilty of that, and more," Twilight quietly laughed aloud. I shifted again to shut her up.

"What happened?"

"A spell gone wrong," is all I said. She took that information and sped off, probably to find the rest of her friends.

As we neared the tree house, I saw signs of hurried occupation, and a few eyes peeking out windows. I let Twilight down off my back and she opened the door for the first time with actual hands.

Twilight's fanfare was a lot louder than mine. As soon as she opened the door and walked in, she was pretty much hit by unsuppressed snickers. She bore it with decent enough grace, and beckoned me forward.

I could tell they wanted to laugh. But they… couldn't. I mean, I'm not a handsome human, at least not as far as I know. I have no reason to think I'd be a handsome pegasus. I honestly found myself surprised at my reception, which was covered by at least three blushes and one quickly suppressed snicker when she realized she was laughing alone. Spike had no such reservations, and laughed aloud at my discomfort.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked.

With that, the spell was broken, and there was a tirade of questions. Most were directed at Twilight, but Pinkie Pie hopped over to me and said, "So, how about those dance lessons?"

"I was rather hoping to change back before too long, my dear."

"You're changing back?" she cried. "Why would you want to do that?" Her outburst got everyone's attention.

"Because I don't have thumbs, for one thing," I said weakly.

"Thumbs?" Applejack said. "I've done just fine without them. We all have!"

"You also never had them to lose. Spike, how would you feel if you suddenly lost the use of your hands?"

They all turned to him. "Hey, I want no part of this. I'm just gonna go write a letter to Princess Celestia real quick." So much for my erstwhile companion.

"Humph. If you ask me," Rarity said, "you just want to be different for the sake of being different!" Well, nobody asked you. "You look just fine the way you are!" Extra emphasis on fine, I thought.

"If you don't believe me, ask Twilight. She's had to use her hands a bit since we changed."

They looked to her. "He does have a bit of a point. If I didn't know I was going to have magic to go back to as a unicorn, I would be somewhat hesitant to change back." They scoffed at her answer.

"Believe me or not," I said. "It matters little to me. Celestia will soon be here, and will hopefully be able to change us both back."

Spike came back in with a scroll, and everyone's retort was cut off as he read it. As he continued, I saw Twilight's face grow slightly resigned, I saw the other ponies grow somewhat smug, and I felt rather than saw my face droop. Celestia was, in fact, able to fix us, but she was busy with something big that impacted the realm as a whole, and was unable to help us for at least a week. I was stuck. As a pony. For a week.

Well, shit.

"Twilight," I found myself saying, "would you kindly remove this crossbow and the bolts from my neck? I think I'd like to go lie down."

"I'll take them off you, but you're not going anywhere." I sighed, and noticed how louder it sounded as a pony. "No, we're going to stay here and deal with this."

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "There's another part of this letter that I think you should see."

She grabbed the scroll and read it to herself, then reread it. She looked at me, and recited aloud: "Do not let Navarone get a cutie mark. I do not know if I can turn him back into a human if he obtains one, or at least, if I can, it will be considerably more difficult. I have never tried it before, but Luna assures me that she almost couldn't maintain the transformation from pony to human even at the height of her power, and she hypothesized that it was because of her cutie mark. So warn him, Twilight, that I may not be able to help him if he has a cutie mark when I get there."

I won't repeat my string of expletives. "So," I said when I was finished, "I just do nothing for a bloody week?"

"Not necessarily," Twilight said. "Getting a cutie mark takes most ponies several years to do. I would be careful to avoid doing anything you much like, though."

"Pinkie Pie, good news: The dancing lessons are back on."

"REALLY?" She didn't even catch the insult.

I sighed at that and turned to Twilight, "Unless I'm needed for anything else?"

"Nothing I can think of," she smiled. "Try not to have too much fun." No chance of that happening. Yes, I have had a few dance lessons in the past. No, I didn't enjoy any of them. I have no idea how to dance as a pony, either.

And I'm not going to lie, Pinkie Pie's showgirl outfit did not make me feel any better about dancing with her. How did she even put that thing on? Better question, who makes something like that for a pony?

Rarity decided to follow us to Pinkie Pie's rented room; of all Twilight's friends, she was the only one that actually didn't have anything better to do than watch me embarrass myself. Even Fluttershy had to go back to helping her animals. In Rarity's words, "I just have to see this for myself."

It started awkwardly but got better. I had no idea how to balance weight on my two back legs and use my two front legs as focus points against her, so she had to show me how to do that, and it took longer and was full of more innuendos than I ever suspected any of these ponies to use. Rarity finally threatened to leave if Pinkie Pie didn't knock it off and that pretty much ended that.

After that, it went much smoother. Pinkie Pie made a professional, if slightly silly, teacher, and my past experience helped a bit. I didn't leave as a pro dancer, but I would have been able to hide well on a dance floor.

All in all, it really wasn't that bad of an experience. Not something I'd do if I had another choice in the matter, mind, but it was a worthy pastime.

As I prepared to leave, Pinkie Pie said, "Just think, Nav! If you don't change back, we could open a dance studio! And Rarity could design our outfits, and Twilight could plan showings, and Applejack could make money on the side selling concessions, and Rainbow Dash could make dramatic weather, and Fluttershy could talk some birds into doing… whatever birds are supposed to do in instances like that!"

"Lofty dreams, my dear," I said. "Something to think about, but not, I think, enough to tip my hand. Waltzing is an interesting hobby, I admit, but I don't know if it's worth all the cost."

"Waltzing isn't the only kind of dance out there, you know! I know several I could teach you!"

"We'll see," is all I answered. "For now, I admit that I am rather weary. Taking care of Trixie was tiring in itself, and finding myself in a new form hardly helped, nor did having to tote Twilight all the way back."

With cries to 'think about it' following us, Rarity and I departed. When we were far enough away from the shop, Rarity said, "I'm somewhat impressed, Navarone. I never thought you would be much of a dancer, though it did take you a while to measure your steps."

"I think I did rather well, for just having learned how to walk a day or two ago. Though, to be fair, I'm honestly still not that good. But Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly good teacher."

"Yes, she does have her occasional moments of lucidity. So, what are your plans for the rest of the week?"

"My main goal is, as it is every week, to not die. That aside, I plan to do my best to not get suckered into any situations I cannot talk my way out of. I will only have this body until Celestia shows up to change me, and I really, really don't want anyone to get any ideas about trying to force me to stay this way, or convince me to do so."

"Is that form really so displeasing to you?"

"It is not as bad as I feared, I will admit. However, it feels… wrong, like I'm constantly about to fall over, or like I'm on my hands and knees. I keep trying to stretch my fingers, only to realize that I don't have any. My ears keep twitching, and I'm hearing things that as a human I never would have picked up. My eyes are in the wrong places. And my nose… for some reason, as soon as I got near town, I started smelling… something. And whatever it is, it feels like it's trying to pull me. Whenever I concentrate on it, I start feeling… odd, light even, and I feel really warm. I don't know how you aren't driven crazy by whatever it is."

"I don't know—oh! Oh, my. Yes, we need to talk to Twilight about that."

"What is it?" I noticed a faint blush creeping on her face.

"We'll talk to Twilight and see what she has to say. But I think I know your problem. How much did you know about ponies where you came from, again?"

"Not much. I mean, for the most part they all hated me for no reason, so I did my best to avoid them."

"No reason? I'm sure… Anyway, we'll talk to Twilight and she'll probably be able to help you with your… problem. Just try not to think about it too much."

Of course, when someone tells you that, it's hard to not do it. I did my best, mind, but human reasoning isn't much compared to instincts, and with nothing else to think about or to attract my interest, I never really stood a chance. We were half way back when I sort of… blacked out.

And woke up the next day in my bed at Twilight's house, feeling considerably better and no longer noticing whatever that smell was.

When I asked Twilight about it, she shrugged and just said by way of explanation, "There's a reason there aren't many male ponies in Ponyville." That actually told me a lot when I thought about it.

When I asked Spike what happened, he told me, "Last night Rarity dragged you in here by your tail. She used magic to immobilize you, apparently. They didn't tell me what was going on, but man, your eyes were completely blank. It was kind of scary. Then Twilight and Rarity did some magic over you and you feel asleep."

Well, that was almost bad.

Rarity came by shortly after I woke up to make sure I was okay.

"Yes, lass. I'm feeling much more clear headed now. I have… some idea of what happened. So much for my vaunted human reasoning…"

"Don't blame yourself, Nav. We are all occasionally slaves to our instincts…"

"I still feel as though I should try to apologize, though. I should be better than that!"

"Well, if you really want to make amends, you could do me the favor of modeling for me. It's not often that I get a stallion such as yourself to work with!"

That sounded like even less fun than dancing with Pinkie Pie, but I managed to hide my distaste for the idea. "If Twilight doesn't need me, I suppose I could help you…"

I don't think she actually expected me to say yes, but she hid her surprise well. "Wonderful! I have all kinds of ideas…" Yeah, it didn't take me long at all to regret my decision. Though I do admit, being able to feel Spike's burning eyes on us as we departed was kind of humorous.

Look, I won't say that was the most fun thing I've ever done, but it was far from the worst. I honestly don't know how I looked, at least to a mare, but I know Rarity was very pleased with her results. She kept talking about someone named 'Photo Finish,' which I personally thought was a completely ridiculous name.

I'm also not entirely sure how she made all the clothes she had me try on that fast. I mean, surely she wasn't storing masses of clothes on the possibility that a stallion would one day show up and say, "Hey, you need a sexy male model?" Rarity can sometimes be crazy, but surely not that crazy.

When I asked her, she got a bit of an angry look in her eyes and mentioned, rather venomously, a certain 'him.' I decided that it was in my best health to not push the issue, and she quickly got over her outburst and went back to playing dress up with me as her doll. I really do have a problem saying no to people…

For a while, her cat was eyeing me from across the store, probably trying to figure out where it knew me from. I made a funny face at it, and the thing suddenly nodded, as if realizing who I was, and went back to sleeping.

We were in a back room when the bell on the door chimed, signaling someone walking in. "Just a minute," Rarity sang, before turned back to me. "No, not like that! That's the wrong hole! Here, let me!"

"I'm sorry, this is my first time…" I said a bit sheepishly. Well, it was my first time trying to put bloody pants on as a pony. Seriously, why do ponies even have pants? "Watch it, that thing's sensitive!" She had just pulled my tail, which was still somewhat hurting from getting dragged by it last night.

"I know it's your first time, but surely you used to do this all the time back when you were a human!"

"Yeah, but that was with a more natural medium, not anything like this."

"I figured you'd have some kind of instincts on the matter! The way you acted last night, I know you can move those hips well!"

"That was with Pinkie Pie, though! She wasn't abusing me nearly as much as you are."

"Oooh, you're hopeless!" she wailed, then turned to the door. "Let's go see what my other guest wants."

She opened the door to a very bright red-faced Fluttershy, who looked from me to Rarity with a mixture of shame and horror. "What… what were you… doing in there?" she asked in a frightened voice.

Rarity looked somewhat shocked. "Fluttershy, you should know better… I am a lady!"

I quickly thought over the conversation we had since she had walked in, and laughed aloud. I admit, I was tempted, at that point, to pretend that we had been doing something, but I figured it would end badly if I did. "Relax, lass. She's using me as a dress up doll. And last night Pinkie Pie taught me how to waltz. And my… my tail is sore, since I got it caught in a door when I forgot about it."

Fluttershy looked a lot less nervous after that, and even consented to pose with me for a few of Rarity's shots. It got somewhat awkward at a few points, but at that point I had done worse, so we managed to get through it. Fluttershy did have to explain how to spread my wings, though.

I know it's hard to explain or imagine, but imagine you suddenly grew wings. The problem is, your mind was only built to handle two arms and two legs, and you were raised only using those. If you suddenly gained access to a whole new set of muscles that you never tried to use before, it would take you a while to figure out how they worked in relation to the other parts of your body. Rarity and Fluttershy had to gently extend my wings and distend them several times for me to even be able to figure out where on my body the muscles were to use, let alone actually trying to use them.

When Rarity had finished abusing us for her own sick amusement, she took a look at some of her pictures and said, "Navarone, you simply must stay as a stallion! You could become famous as a model! Just think of your possible impact on fashion!"

"I try not to at all times, actually. If that's what I have to look forward to as a pony, I think I should get changed back as soon as possible. Isn't that right, Fluttershy?"

"I know I didn't much care for my foray into fashion," she said, and then caught a look from Rarity. "But you might like it a lot more! I don't know how the male model industry works…"

"Being gay is probably a prerequisite that I lack. I think I'll pass."

"Psh. Stallions," Rarity said, rolling her eyes. I could say something similar about mares…

Instead, though, I contented myself with disentangling myself from Fluttershy and then the clothing. "I assume we're done?" I asked.

"Yes, yes. Fluttershy and I have an appointment with a spa that we must meet. Thank you for your help, Navarone!"

Well, that was an interesting way to spend a few hours. And I learned why the ponies very rarely wore clothing. Pants were very… restricting, for my new form.

Twilight had given me the cloak she wore on the way back when we returned and got settled so that I could hide my blank flank and actually walk around in town as a pony. She, in turn, got full reign over pretty much everything in my wardrobe, including the shoes Rarity did, in fact, have ready by the time we returned. Twilight looked better in my clothes than I did, that's for sure. Though maybe that's just loneliness talking.

It was interesting, seeing this place from the viewpoint of a normal pony. Well, at least what everyone else considered a relatively normal pony. I did get a few odd looks, which I attributed to either the bulging of the cloak over my wings or the fact that apparently I was somehow uncommonly attractive—which I still don't bloody understand. I always assumed that I was normal bordering on ugly as a human, so why would that change as a pony?

So there I was, walking through town, looking relatively ordinary, when the trio of disaster cornered me.

"Hey Navarone, want to join us in getting your cutie mark?" Applebloom asked me.

"Yeah, it'll be fun!" Sweetie Belle assured me.

"And with you along with your weird human ideas, we should get done twice as fast!" Scootaloo added.

"Sadly," yeah right, "I can't. If I get my… cutie mark… I might be stuck as a pony."

"Why is that so bad?" Sweetie Belle asked. "We're managing just fine!"

"Because you're not used to having thumbs. I don't even want to talk about how long it took me to figure out how to bloody eat." Among other things…

"Can't you get used to it?" Scootaloo asked.

"In time I could, yes. But there are a few other reasons I don't much care for staying as a pony, none of which you're old enough to understand." Or that I would be willing to bring up to, well, anyone.

"Applejack uses that excuse on us all the time," Applebloom said. "Can't you give us a hint?"

"Not and retain any scrap of grace, no."

"Can't you just avoid doing anything with us that you really like doing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"I could, but if I tried something new and liked it too much it might be too late. It's not really something I consider worth it, though I have actually already tried two new things so far. Well, one new and one semi-new."

"I heard my sister muttering about you doing something with Pinkie Pie last night. She seemed really mad about whatever it was…" Sweetie Belle said.

"Applejack also mentioned you going somewhere with Pinkie Pie. What did you two do?"

"Dancing lessons. It was… awkward, as a pony."

"I thought you didn't like dancing at parties," Scootaloo said.

"This was ballroom dancing, waltzing. If we tried that at a normal one of Pinkie Pie's parties, it would get us laughed out of the joint."

"Hm… That's something we haven't tried yet," Applebloom said. "Do you think she'd be willing to teach us?"

"If you asked, probably."

With that, they ran off shouting about becoming professional ballroom dancers. Well, I guess it's better than professional personal dancers. God, I can imagine the look on Rarity's face if Sweetie Belle came home sporting a stripper pole or a tramp stamp on her ass.

Suddenly the idea for a great prank hit me, but I shook it off. That would be bad, even for me. Besides, I don't even know if that profession exists in Ponyland.

The rest of day two was spent mostly in silence, walking around Ponyville and seeing the sights with a new perspective. I answered a few polite questions from curious ponies, mostly about who I was and why I was in town. I decided I might as well pretend to be a servant of the princess, in town visiting Twilight. No reason to go building up awkward questions, after all. I received a few depressing warnings to avoid her… pet human. I almost got violent the first time I heard that, but managed to restrain myself. It's not like the ponies here hated me, they just… weren't that used to me yet. Hell, it had only been, what, six months since I got here? I was at best tolerated.

Let me tell you, even after the first few days, I still wasn't used to waking up and not being able to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Or adjusting the cover late at night. Or, hell, anything. Oh well. Only five days left, hopefully. I did notice that I was getting behind on my journal, not being able to write or anything. So if anything seems odd or off about this week, it may just be that it took me so much longer to get to writing it.

Day three was a terrible storm, so no one really went outside. Twilight practiced magic with her new horn, and it was pretty funny seeing the expressions on her face as she worked her spells. God, but it was great to see another human, even if I did know she was only faking it and even if she looked odd for some reason. Aside from the eyes and horn, I mean. It definitely brought a lot of memories back that we discussed at length, lacking much else to do.

I was only eighteen when I left and I lacked many friends for most of that life, but I did have some interesting tales. Admittedly, a lot of them weren't about me, but they were still pretty interesting.

I'll spare you the details, because honestly, many of them were about why I was going to be forever alone back on Earth. Awkwardness and teen hormones aside, I really was terrible with girls: Flirting was no problem, but following through was impossible for me. I had a girl wait a full minute for me to ask her out. I knew she was waiting, and she had to know I knew she was waiting, but I just… couldn't ask. It was bad.

Some of the stories were funnier ones, though. Admittedly, some of them weren't actually true, but they were things I had talked about doing or was planning on doing before I was taken. Like, for instance, the prank about moving one of the senior lunch tables to the roof and eating up there like it wasn't a thing, while the only access to the roof was by ladder. Our tables were mostly made of concrete. It would have been possible, but it would have been a massive undertaking. I was all for it, and had actually drawn up plans, but I could never get anyone to help me that was willing to risk the punishment.

She, in turn, regaled me with her own tales of childhood. She was much the same as I in many respects: She spent most of her life doing little but studying and practicing magic, and spent little time on friends.

She was fiddling with my knife for most of the conversation, grooming her finger nails and just otherwise fiddling with it. Human mannerisms she picked up from watching me, I guess, but it still seemed odd to me.

When she tried popping her knuckles, though, I spoke up: "I wouldn't bother trying that, lass. It takes a while to get them to do that."

"You seem to do it every five minutes."

"Yeah, and it took me a long time to be able to do that. And it's not really that healthy, anyway. I mean, it's not like it'll give you arthritis or anything, but it will start to make your hands feel sluggish and clammy unless you do it often, but that's only if you actually start doing it."

"Then why would any of your people start doing it?"

"Because you don't notice how sluggish and clammy your hands feel until you pop your knuckles and realize how much better they feel." I had no idea if that was true; I had been doing it for so long I don't remember what it felt like to not do it.

"Then why shouldn't I try doing it?"

"Because you're going to be losing your fingers soon enough anyway."

"And what makes you think I haven't decided to stay a human and keep you company?"

"Because you were a unicorn so long that by now being a human is driving you nearly insane due to the sheer oddness and distraction of it?" I know the opposite was definitely true of me. Being a pony felt wrong after being a human for so long.

"Yeah, that would be a pretty good reason."

I had been watching her the whole time, trying to determine why she looked so off. Talking about the hands is what got me to realize it. "You don't use your hands while talking! That's why you seem so odd to me."

She looked at me funny. "What?"

"When humans talk to each other, they use hand motions and the like when talking. You don't move your hands at all. It's… disquieting. You also don't touch your face at all; humans tend to do that several times a minute, automatically. No wonder you look so off to me."

"Now that you mention it, you do seem to be a considerably more animated pony than any I've seen before. I never really noticed what you were doing with your hands before, when you were talking. Most ponies rarely use any hoof gestures like that, so we don't get in a habit of noticing them as much. We run the risk of falling over, I guess."

We had a bit of a discussion on communication after that, and ended up just telling more stories until night fell again. It was a long day.

Day four, though, felt even bloody longer. Rainbow Dash felt it was her civic duty as the main pegasus in town to make sure I knew how to fly. With her was Fluttershy, seconded as a teacher for the day. Together, they formed a unified front that even I couldn't break. Seeing a serious Fluttershy is something that doesn't happen often, and it's rarely something anyone could stand against.

So I was dragged off to a secluded field somewhere out in nowhere. I think they did it more to avoid suspicion than to spare me any embarrassment.

"You realize, of course, that I'll soon be back as a human, right?" I tried arguing.

"Trust me, after you start flying, you'll forget all about wanting to be a human!" Rainbow Dash assured me.

"Oh yes, it's quite wonderful! Though I usually prefer the ground, some types of birds can only be found by going higher, and they're well worth the effort!" Fluttershy agreed.

"You're also aware that I only just recently learned how to even stretch my wings, right? Recently as in, two days ago. And then it was for little more but posing."

"I still can't believe you let Rarity dress you up like that. I would have loved to see it!" Rainbow Dash said. Women are sometimes immune to logic, I've found.

"Fluttershy was there. She didn't seem to think it was that odd."

"Oh yes, it was quite… nice," said with a slight blush. I really need to watch what I say. Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes.

"So, is the main trick here to just fall at the ground and miss? I never could master that as a human…" I ventured. Neither of them got the reference, unsurprisingly.

"No… The basic goal is to jump and start gently flapping, and hope you don't fall," Rainbow Dash said.

"How important is the hoping part of that?"

"It's usually the most important part," Fluttershy muttered. Comforting.

Rainbow Dash gave her a look. "The hoping part is mostly for beginners," she said, back to me. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Probably."

"Wait, how am I supposed to jump, again? As a human, I only had two legs to worry about."

"Man, you really don't know anything, do you?"

"I just got this bloody body, and I wasn't expecting to have to pass a flaming test with it. My basic plan was to walk around for a few days and then get turned back as soon as possible, and then drink until I forget this experience."

Rainbow Dash shuddered at that. "I can't believe you let Applejack keep any of that horrid stuff!"

"Well, as it turns out it was sort of useful against Trixie."

"You got a unicorn drunk?!"

"Hell no, I'm not stupid. That shit is flammable, and I tried to use that to help fight, though my plan didn't work that well. I could have gone about using it better, but spitting flames is a fucking awesome tactic to use against someone that isn't expecting it. Hurt me like a bitch, though."

"You… lit Trixie on fire?" Fluttershy asked, horrified.

"No, just some rope she tried to entangle me with." Twilight didn't want anyone to know what all happened at the castle, so I let the matter drop so there wouldn't be questions of why we didn't return with any of the alcohol.

In their place, though, were explanations of flight. Knowing she had to get me in the air as soon as possible to maximize what she believed as her chances to get me to stay a pegasus, Rainbow Dash only gave me the crash course in what I absolutely had to know, with Fluttershy filling in where needed. Apparently none of them had yet realized that there was absolutely zero chance of me remaining a pony. But whatever; if they wanted to keep being nice, that was on them.

My first actual attempt at flying went better than expected, but then I really wasn't expecting all that much. 'Better than expected' in this instance means that I was in the air for a few seconds before fluttering to the ground like an injured bird. I didn't die, which was the important part, nor did I burst into flames and explode, which I also considered a big bonus.

Of course, Rainbow Dash didn't much consider that an indicator of success, which shows how much she remembered of being a young flier. Fluttershy was considerably more forgiving, which I thought was nice. It didn't save me from having to try considerably harder the next time, though.

After several tries, I finally managed to actually stay in the air for a spell. I was doing fine, flitting hither and yon throughout the sky, when I ran into a cloud and freaked out.

Now, I had walked on clouds before, for the rodeo competition thing. I had even bent down and felt them; they're considerably less fluffy than you'd think, and were both cold and really, really wet.

But when I flew through one as a pegasus, it was very different. There was still a soft moistness about them, but they were considerably warmer, and they felt a lot more like… a pillow, I guess, is the best comparison, but I couldn't walk through a pillow. I guess a warm slushee is probably the best comparison I could make.

Anyway, I flew through it and completely lost my balance, and couldn't tell up from down. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were expecting that, and had positioned themselves to catch me when I got out of it.

"You could have bloody warned me, you know!"

"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" Rainbow Dash retorted.

"Besides, it's kind of funny seeing you so helpless!" Fluttershy added, quite out of character.

"Bah! You've seen it before, lass, both of you have."

"Yes, but not with you as a pony!" Rainbow Dash said.

"And that makes all the difference." Fluttershy finished for her.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were teaming up on me.

When I discovered that we were right over the lake that Rainbow Dash tried to drop me in right before she came up with the idea for the stupid sky rodeo, I realized they were teaming up on me. Of course, this time I was able to fly, and didn't have to trust my reflexes to haul me up their legs.

So when they dropped me, I managed to actually glide away, which was pretty neat and really did feel awesome. Almost awesome enough to make me wish I wasn't going to turn back into a human. The key word there, of course, was almost.

After that last impediment with the cloud, though, the day just went by as fast as you please. Flying really was an amazing experience, when you don't have to worry about losing your grip and falling to your death.

Day five dawned bright and early: Apple Bloom came by the library and asked me to come help her with something on the farm. She's a farm girl at heart, and her 'early in the morning' is my 'go-the-fuck-away-I'm-sleeping.'

But the only person in existence that can resist her puppy dog face of cuteness is Applejack. So I grabbed my cloak with a sigh and followed her out the door, trying to blink sleep from my eyes.

"I don't suppose we could stop for something to eat first?" I asked.

"No time!" she answered, skipping ahead and then looking back for me to catch up. I was just slowly plodding along. "Besides, there's plenty of food at the farm."

Right. Apples. I'm fucking tired of apples. I just kept on trudging forwards, not really paying attention to where I was going.

Thankfully, we made it to her little clubhouse without any problems. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were already there, looking about as enthusiastic as I felt.

"Apple Bloom, why am I awake so early?" I finally asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

"Because if we don't get started now, we'll never finish in time!" she answered.

"Start what and finish in time for what?" Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle looked up to me, "She didn't tell you anything either?" I shrugged, noting how odd it felt to my pony body.

"Nav can't get his cutie mark, but that doesn't mean he can't help us get ours!" Apple Bloom said, sounding way too chipper. "He can help us modify his crazy human ideas to fit his new pony body, so we can try them out ourselves!"

I knew it was too early in the morning because she was making sense. Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, "So is it possible to get a cutie mark in sleeping?"

I turned my neck around to check under my cloak, then turned back. "Nope, I'm still clean," I said.

Apple Bloom huffed. "This isn't helping! We need to get planning!"

"Okay," I said. "Uh… Have you tried… I don't know, fucking potion making or something?" They all went pale at that. "Right, I forgot what you did to your teacher." They looked at each other a bit awkwardly. "Wait, did you guys do something else with potions?"

"Let's… let's not talk about that," Apple Bloom said, losing some of her chipperness.

"What about writing?"

They looked at each other again with a similar expression.

"We uh… we tried that," Applebloom finally said as they all turned back to me.

I shook my head. "What about you, Sweetie Belle? Can't you do magic or something?"

She blushed slightly. "I never had any real training… And sis refuses to teach me." Understandable.

"What about blacksmithing? Or wood crafting? Or anything along that nature?"

They all perked up at that. "Blacksmithing?" Apple Bloom asked with a smile. "Why, we never even thought about that!" The other two started getting excited looks.

Wait… Blacksmithing uses very, very hot metal. These three fillies are prime fuckups when it comes to stuff like that. I tried saying, "On second that, that might not be such a good idea."

They weren't listening. I was barely able to keep up with them as they ran into town, looking for the smithy.

You know, I had never noticed a smithy in Ponyville. It's not that big of a place, though the size seems to fluctuate randomly for some reason no one can explain. But logic doesn't have to work in this place, so they found a smithy where the day before I'm pretty sure there was a post office.

It was… bad. Not bad in that someone got hurt, but… bad.

So were my next several suggestions.

And there were no cutie marks, of course.

Pinkie Pie found us while we were heading back to the club house thing. We all looked dispirited, them from failure and me from being tired. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You should be smiling! Just think, Nav! You're finally normal!"

Oh yeah, that made me feel great. "I'm tired, Pinkie," I answered. "Apple Bloom woke me up early to help them. It isn't going well."

She got an expression on her face that I have long since come to dread: "I have an idea!" she shouted, drawing the gaze of several nearby ponies. They shifted their gaze awkwardly when they realized it was Pinkie. She grabbed the girls and took them a little ways from me, whispering to them in excited tones. I saw them looking back at me every now and then.

I had a bad feeling.

When they finally broke up, the three girls broke off and ran ahead. Pinkie Pie fell into step beside me. I saw a chance and I tried to lunge at it, "Well, if you want to take over for me, I'll happily go on home."

She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as scarily innocent. "Nonsense, Nav! I'm sure between the two of us we can think of a few more things to help them with!"

"My brain is pretty fried right now, Pinkie. I'm barely able to lift one foot in front of the other. I don't even know if that phrase works, now that I'm a bloody pony…"

"Oh come on, I know it isn't that bad! I quite like being a pony! I mean, I've never tried being anything else, but if I did I'm sure I would prefer being a pony."

"And I'd prefer to be a human. And soon, I will be, thank God."

"You mean, thank Celestia?" she asked, looking at me funny.

I thought for a second. "Her too, I guess," I finally said. "So what did you tell the girls?"

"Oh, they're planning a bit of a surprise for you," she answered. I really didn't like the sound of that. But… it's Pinkie Pie. She would never hurt anyone.

That said, you'd be surprised what you can live through. Or what you'd want to live through.

She kept up some inane chatter on the way down to the farm. We were about a quarter of the way there—all the way out of town—when I found myself hanging in the air. "What the fuck?" I asked, too surprised to be scared. I was in a net, I saw, hanging upside down.

The three girls jumped out of a nearby bush. "We got him!" they shouted. They then checked their flanks to find nothing.

"Well, maybe next time, girls," Pinkie said, ruffling each of their manes. "Now you go ahead and run along. Nav is really tired, and he needs some rest."

"Shouldn't we let him down?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Yes, I think you should," I answered.

"No, no, I'll take care of it girls," Pinkie Pie answered. "No reason to waste time when you could be Crusading!"

They ran off, discussing their next plot.

"So…" I said, balled up in an uncomfortable position.

Pinkie Pie made sure they were out of earshot. "Now I'm going to teach you some more dances!" she said with a happy tone. She started looking for the release on the net. "There we go!" I hit the ground with a painful thud. The net stayed closed around me, preventing any manner of escape.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to move very much until you let me go, Pinkie," I said.

"I'll let you out when we get where we're going, Nav. I don't suppose you could close your eyes? It'll make your surprise so much more surprising!" She grabbed the rope at the top of the net and started dragging me back to town.

"I'm pretty sure all the ponies in town are going to question you dragging me back in a net, Pinkie," I said.

She spit the rope out for a second. "I have a plan!" she said, posing dramatically. I waited patiently for her to explain some of it, but she just picked the rope up again.

"So why do I have to be in a net if you're going to teach me how to dance?" I finally asked.

She spit the rope out again. "Less questions, more not-talking," she answered, grabbing the rope again. I sighed.

She stopped just outside of town, in front of a cloaked and hooded figure, a pile of something at its feet. "About time," the figure hissed.

"He's heavy!" Pinkie answered in her normal, cheerful tone.

"Pinkie, what does this have to do with dancing?" I asked. "Unless you're going to hide me in your basement or something to make sure I have no choice but to dance, at least."

The hooded figure jerked back. "You didn't gag him?" she whispered. Rarity?

"Alright, what the fuck is going on?" I asked. "If one of you doesn't start telling me what's happening, I'm going to start screaming for help."

Rarity answered, "You did say you didn't want to be in any position you couldn't talk your away out of…" I saw a glow in her hood and something from the pile jumped out and shot at me. Before I could do anything, it slipped through the net and surrounded my mouth.

I looked down at it and then back up. "You don't know how to tie a gag, do you?" I asked, clearly understandable.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "Silly Rarity, that's now how you do it!" She grabbed a hunk of cloth from the pile and wadded it up.

"See, Pinkie Pie has the right idea," I said. "Thankfully, she isn't going to do anything with her idea. Because she's a good friend, and wouldn't want to do anything to me that would require keeping me silent. Right, Pinkie?"

"We're just helping you with a problem, Nav!" Pinkie cheerfully said. Rarity's horn glowed again and the gag slipped down, my mouth squeezed open, and the wad of cloth shot inside. The gag silently slipped back into place.

I did my best to say, "You bitch," but it didn't work very well.

"See, Rarity?" Pinkie Pie said. "Much better!" Yeah, I really don't like where this is going.

"Quite," she answered. "Now let's get him covered up." The rest of the pile drifted over to cover me. Before long I couldn't see anything and I could barely hear anything. The dragging continued soon after.

I just got fucking ponynapped.

(Sex is right around the corner. If you don't want to read it, ctrl+f this phrase: Sex is over)

When they finally removed all the stuff over me, I found I was in an ill-used storage room in Rarity's shop. The entire place had the whole 'recently cleaned' feel to it, and was lit only by candles. Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood over me, probably debating in their minds what to do now.

Rarity finally spoke up, "Now Navarone, that door over there is locked." I looked and saw the only door out. I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I'm going to take the gag off now, and if you start yelling I'm going to assume you want to do it the hard way."

I glared back. She nodded once and removed the gag. "Let me go," I said.

"We will, silly!" Pinkie Pie answered. "Just not right now."

"Would it help if I said please?" I asked.

"Nope!"

"Will you at least let me out of this fucking net?" I asked, trying to stretch.

"I don't know, Nav," Rarity said coyly. "What will you give us in return?"

Oh. OH SHIT! Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that!

I think they saw the look on my face and realized I finally figured it out. I did my best to inch away from them, but only managed in looking pathetic.

"Like I said, Nav: I'm going to teach you some more dances!"

"You crazy bitch! Stay away from me!"

"I don't think he likes our little idea, Pinkie," Rarity sighed. "Well, that's what magic is for."

"There is no magic in the world that would make me ever want to fuck a horse," I answered, grimacing in disgust at the very idea.

"You seemed pretty… keen… on the idea a few nights ago," Rarity answered with a small smile. "I could just remove that spell from you."

"But Rarity, neither of us a—" Pinkie managed before being shushed by Rarity.

I smiled. "So you remove the pheromone blocker and I break your door down looking for the mare in heat. I imagine that would be fun to explain."

Rarity blushed. "There are… other ways. But really, Navarone! Surely we can be civil about this!"

"I am in a net. I am on the floor. You two are talking about raping me. How is this at all civil for you?"

"He does have a bit of a point, Rarity…" Pinkie whispered.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine! I don't know why you're so reluctant when we're doing this for you, but don't say I didn't give you the chance. I had Twilight teach me this little spell… Pinkie dear, turn around, would you?"

Despite myself, I couldn't help but watch. I knew I shouldn't, but… Rarity's horn spit out little heart shapes that hit Pinkie Pie and just absorbed into her. For a moment, nothing happened. In fact, nothing seemed to be happening at all.

Until I started struggling. My vision started distorting. And I started getting images of Pinkie Pie in my mind. "Must… have!" I roared, forcing myself into a standing position, net be damned. Pinkie Pie turned her head around for a moment to see me and she apparently saw something she wasn't too pleased with.

"Rarity, are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked, turning her head to Rarity, who was doing her best to not look at Pinkie. I was still struggling to break free of the cursed net to get to my beloved.

"I've never seen this spell used like this," Rarity answered. "But what's the worst that could happen?" With that, she used her magic to open the net to let me out.

I was on Pinkie before either could say anything. I don't even remember when I started feeling aroused; my mind was pretty much fucking gone, consumed by the need for Pinkie Pie.

I was suddenly mounted on her and her tail jumped out of the way. I completely hilted her with my throbbing stallionhood. I don't know how I hilted her, given my body wasn't designed for that, but this universe doesn't care about logic. She let out of a yelp of either surprise or pain; I couldn't tell and didn't care. Pain or surprise, I know it quickly turned to pleasure as I started pumping in and out of her. I did my best to get my entire body as close to hers as possible, forcing her front legs to lower under the weight.

"Rarity," she moaned, "I don't think it worked right!" I barely heard her, my mind was pumping so hard. All of my rational processes were shut down and I barely had any cognitive abilities. My entire being was consumed down to fucking this mare.

And fuck her I did. Despite her words, Pinkie Pie quickly matched my pumping rhythm, and her moans reached a crescendo not five minutes after I began. With an incredibly cute moan to finish off the lot, she came quite messily all over me. I was getting coated with mare juices, but I couldn't stop.

I kept going, thrusting in and out of her at a rate that by all rights should have made me cum not a few seconds after I started. That said, my mind was so far gone I couldn't even feel pleasure. I just knew that I absolutely had to take this mare and keep doing it until I dropped.

I don't know how long I was at it. Not ten minutes after we started Pinkie Pie was begging Rarity to end it, moaning with pleasure about how sensitive she was feeling.

About fifteen minutes after we started, Rarity left the room for about twenty minutes. When she came back, Pinkie Pie was nearly crying from the pleasure. "Pl-pl-please! Make it s-s-stop!" she cried, shaking from her latest orgasm. They were still coming every few minutes, and at that point the only reason she was still on her feet was because I was impaling her and keeping her up.

Rarity put a coy little smile on her face. "Now how did that reverse spell go?" she asked aloud. "Hm, I think I need to go ask Twilight! I'll be right ba-a-a-ck!" she sang, leaving the room again.

Pinkie Pie's front legs gave out, giving me a better angle. I went at it with renewed vigor, hitting even more of her hotspots. Pinkie's moans started going up again, though she was trying to bury her head in the floor.

Rarity came back in ten minutes later, humming a little song. She found Pinkie Pie in tears. "Anything!" she weakly moaned. "Just ma-a-a-ke it sto-o-o-op!"

"Oh, fine! Be that way!" Rarity said. Her horn glowed again.

I woke up.

I woke up fucking a horse.

What. The. Fuck.

I pushed myself away, wings spreading fully to give me more speed. When I pulled out Pinkie Pie just dropped, sprawling on the floor. I was still scrambling away when the pain started to hit me.

I groaned, huddling into a fetal position and holding my crotch. "What. Just. Happened?" I finally managed to force out. Rarity was looking at us both with a sweet little smile.

"You just learned why you never want to do things the hard way!" she said, beaming.

"If you don't tell me what the fuck you did," I said, "I am going to get up, kick your door in, tell Twilight you just raped me, and get your ass arrested. From the looks of Pinkie Pie, she'll side with me."

Pinkie Pie was not looking well at all. Aside from a very contented smile, she looked pretty much broken.

Rarity gave me a small laugh. "I don't think you could stand up, let alone kick a door in. But if you insist… It's a little spell Twilight taught me called the need it/want it. I've always wanted to test it on a stallion. I guess it works."

"Yes," I answered, "I bet it's hard for you to pick up guys when you grab them with a net. No wonder Blueblood was so accommodating." That was a low blow and I knew it.

She gave me a very icy stare. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Navarone. Now, I think you and Pinkie could use some rest."

She walked over to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Nav," she said with a smile. She turned to Pinkie, "If you need anything, dear, just call."

Pinkie Pie lightly moaned in response. Rarity left, making sure we could hear the lock turning behind her. I closed my eyes, trying to think about how I could get out of this. Yelling would just draw Rarity and might make Pinkie Pie get up. Fighting wouldn't work, because they all know these bodies better than I do. That bitch didn't even let me cum, I thought for some disturbing reason. Why would I want to cum in a pony? I shuddered at the thought, and twisted my body around on the floor so that I wouldn't be looking at Pinkie, or be able to see her if I opened my eyes. I wrapped myself as best as I could in the cloak.

I don't know if I fell asleep or if I just zoned so far out I was gone. I just know that a few hours later I felt something touch my shoulder. I jumped, pushing myself to the wall to escape it. The candles had mostly burned low at that point, leaving the light in the room less than ideal for seeing.

"It's just me, silly!" Pinkie Pie whispered.

"That's what I'm worried about!" I yelled. "Stay away from me!"

She took another step closer to me.

"I swear to God, if you take one more step I am going to figure out how to use my hooves as weapons!" She stopped, giving me a concerned look. I sagged against the wall.

"What's wrong, Nav?" she asked. "You should be happy! That was the whole point…"

"If you thought this would make me happy, you are fucked in the head. You get that door open so I can leave, and we'll talk. Otherwise, you go to your corner and I'll stay in mine."

She looked like she was about to cry. I was beyond caring. I just pointed at the other side of the room.

She looked over there, and then back at me. "Nav, I normally don't sleep alone… I have either Gummy or a teddy bear to snuggle with," she told me in the saddest voice I've ever heard. Gummy is her pet alligator; it has no teeth.

"That's nice," I answered, keeping my arm pointed away from me.

"My dreams," she said, losing a tear, "They're so scary… I can't even laugh at them, Nav!"

"Welcome to my life," I said. "I live in a world where barn animals rule everything and I'm the outcast. I am completely defenseless against magic and ponies with wings. I am slower than ponies, weaker than ponies, and they outnumber me. The only thing stopping them from doing whatever they want to me is themselves. And apparently that kindness just ran out. So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for you."

She looked absolutely crestfallen. "It's not so bad, Nav," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "None of us would ever hurt you!"

"No. No, you shut the fuck up. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but what you just did to me was wrong. It doesn't matter if it hurt me or not. I could see Rarity maybe doing this for herself. I could see a few other ponies doing this. But I never expected Pinkie Pie to do something like this. So you can shut up and go over there. I'm done."

I sank down to the floor, my back to the wall. Pinkie Pie was in full tear mode now, crying for all she was worth. That just does not seem fair to me: The guy gets raped and the girl still ends up crying. She eventually went to her corner. I finally fell asleep.

I don't know what time I finally woke up. The candles were fully out and there were no windows in the room. What little light I could see was coming from under the door. I could hear Pinkie Pie breathing erratically, so I knew I wasn't alone. I didn't get up from where I was, since there wasn't anything here that would help me escape and I didn't want to risk waking Pinkie up.

I was lying there for about an hour before Pinkie Pie stirred. I heard her moan and mutter occasionally; I suppose what she said about her dreams was true. She awoke with a start, thumping her hooves against the floor. "Where am I?" she whispered. I didn't answer. "N-Nav? Are you there?"

I sighed. "Yes," I said with no enthusiasm.

Before I knew what was happening she was at my side, trying to hug me. "It was so dark…" she whispered, holding me tightly.

"Pinkie Pie, let me go," I said wearily. I didn't think she was going to try anything, but I wasn't going to find out.

She didn't move.

"Pinkie Pie?" I asked. I realized she was silently crying, her face buried in my coat. What the fuck? The night before… I was angry then, and understandably so. She was crying because she realized what she did was wrong. Now… Now she's crying because she's scared. Why does that make it different?

I wrapped my front legs around her, holding her.

We were like that for a little while. Finally, her arms started going slack. "Nav?" she said quietly.

"What, Pinkie?"

"I'm sorry… I didn't think this was going to make you mad. We just wanted to show you what you would be missing out on."

"When I was fucking you, I didn't feel anything, Pinkie. I don't even know if it felt good. When I was released, it hurt pretty badly."

She was silent for a little while. Finally, she said, "I could make it feel better…"

"If you start touching me like that I'm going to send you back to your corner. I'm holding you because you're scared, and for no other reason."

She sighed. "You're so uptight, Nav. If it feels good, how can it be wrong? I know you don't see ponies that way, but if you're going to be living in Ponyville that means you're going to be living alone."

I was silent for a while. I know what she said was true. And I know in the end I would probably give in and try dating a mare. But… "It's all about choice, Pinkie. I didn't want this. And it was forced on me in the worst way possible. There are a few things I am actually terrified of, and you utilized three of them to get me to have sex with you."

She giggled a bit at that. "You? Afraid? Come on, Nav."

"I'm serious, Pinkie. I'm afraid of being constricted or tied, and you had me in a net. I'm afraid of having my mind altered too much, and Rarity did something that made me want you. And I'm afraid of having magic used against me."

"Then I guess you'll play nice when it's Rarity's turn?" she asked cheerfully.

I removed my arms. "Get the hell away from me." She looked up, hurt. "After everything I said, you're still going to let her do that to me?"

"I made a Pinkie Promise!"

"Your morals are worth more than promises. If you know something is wrong, you shouldn't do it no matter what you said."

"But if I don't keep my promises, what are my morals really worth?"

"If you don't let me go and get away from me, I'm going to start hurting you," I answered.

"You can't solve all of your problems with violence, Nav!" She let me go, though. I heard her walking to the door. She hit it a few times with one of her hooves. "RARITY!" I felt my stomach start to sink.

Not a minute later I heard a key turn in the door. Light flooded into the room, making us both blink.

I made a beeline for the door, bowling past Pinkie. I made it into the main room of the shop before I felt myself unable to move.

"Can't… hold… him… long!" I heard Rarity saying. Her voice was heavy with stress.

"Don't worry, Rarity!" Pinkie sang out, throwing the net back over me. All of my hopes died right there. She gently dragged me back into the room. Rarity lit the candles back, or replaced them. I wasn't really paying attention. "Now Navarone, I thought we had an agreement!" Pinkie said when we were all locked in the room again.

"We most certainly did not," I answered. "I told you how bad this made me feel and you said you were going to help Rarity anyway. That pretty much cut off any manner of deal I was willing to make with you."

"Navarone, you really shouldn't be so bitter about this!" Rarity said, shaking her head slightly and smiling. "It's just sex! What kind of stallion are you?"

"I'm not a stallion," I said. "That's the problem."

"You sure look like one to me," Rarity answered.

I gave Pinkie Pie a very, very sad look, the saddest I've come up with since I got here. She refused to meet my gaze.

"Rarity," she said, "Can I… talk to you, outside?"

Rarity looked up from me. "Certainly, darling." She looked back to me. "Now Nav, I'm going to let you out of that net. Be a good colt and don't try to run away. Let's try to do this the easy way today."

Her horn glowed for a second and the net slipped off me. I stiffly stood, glaring at her.

"Much better!" she said. "Now let's go, Pinkie. We'll be right back, Nav!" Rarity opened the door and they left. I noticed that Pinkie Pie was walking funny and I couldn't hold back a dirty grin. I was tempted to make a break for it again, but why bother if I would just get dragged back? No reason to make things worse. Pinkie gave me a sad look before the door closed and locked again behind them.

I looked around the room to try to find anything I could use to help me escape. The net was on the floor. Rarity took the bits of cloth they used to hide me out with her last night. There were candles on a few little tables. I still had my cloak.

Burning the cloak would make a lot of smoke and I might be able to use it to burn the walls. But that doesn't mean I'd get free; I might burn alive instead. The ensuing damage would likely wreck Rarity's shop, though I didn't really care at that point.

If I could figure out how to hold things like ponies do, I might be able to trap Pinkie with the net and make a break for it. Or hit Pinkie with the net and block Rarity's vision with my cloak.

Try as I might, though, I just couldn't grab anything. How the fuck do ponies do this shit? I had been trying all week to figure it out, to no avail. I tried kicking at the net a few times. Nothing happened.

I knew that if I had had more time with this body I could have overpowered them both easily, but as it was I had just enough coordination to walk and fly. Fighting or kicking would end up with me on the floor.

I was still contemplating when Rarity came back in with a glowing horn. She had two bits of cloth. "Since you seem to have talked plenty of doubt into Pinkie Pie's mind, I'm sure you can understand my need to keep you silent," she said.

"I would prefer it if you didn't do that," I answered.

"What is wrong with you, Nav?" she asked. "It feels good! For you and for us. Is that really so bad?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but her horn glowed brighter and she used the opening to shove the cloth in. Before I could do anything else she had the other wrapped tightly around my face.

She shook her head sadly. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to just give me what I want?" I raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yes. Nod your head for the easy way, shake it for the hard way, I suppose."

I flicked my eyes to see Pinkie Pie at the door, her face a mixture of guilt and her usual cheeriness. If I tried to run she would block me.

I hung my head.

"Much better!" Rarity merrily said. "Now, I know you won't be able to give me quite the same show you gave Pinkie Pie, but I trust you'll do your best. Pinkie, be a dear and get the door, would you?"

"I… I don't think I want to watch this, Rarity," she answered in a whisper.

"Nonsense! He might try to overpower me, and I don't know if I could stop him alone." When I turn human again I am going to fuck you up. And not in the way that you'll enjoy.

Rarity and Pinkie had a stare down of sorts. Pinkie very, very slowly stepped in the room and pulled the door shut behind her. I could see her hair seem to deflate with every jerky motion she made. When the door was locked, she sat on the floor and refused to look at either of us.

Rarity turned to me. "Now, Nav… Where were we?"

You were letting me go, I think.

She smiled. "Oh, yes, the fun part!" She turned around. "Do be gentle, stud! I saw what you did to Pinkie, and… Well, I'm just not that kind of mare!" She giggled, swishing her tail aside.

I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer. I knew I had to do this, like it or not, or they'd take it with magic. Or starve me until I give them what they want.

It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just… I opened my eyes, seeing her marehood. It's. Just. Sex.

I mounted that whore.

I gave myself a moment to adjust and to think of something to get me hard. My dick still hurt from the merciless pounding I gave Pinkie, but by God if I was going to get raped I would give this bitch a story to brag about. 'Oh yes, girls, he was absolutely divine! Just threaten him with magic and he'll melt in your hands!'

On second thought…

No. No second thoughts.

I slammed into that bitch. Hilted her as best I could. She let out a sharp yelp, letting it ring off the barren walls. Pinkie Pie flinched.

I slowly let her walls adjust to me. Rarity was taking in short breaths, breathing in and out quickly and shallowly. I waited until some of the tightness receded before gently pulling most of the way back out. Look, man, I had no idea what I was doing; everything I had done to Pinkie Pie the night before was raw instinct. Trying to do that here would end this just as soon as it began. I don't imagine I would get off the hook that easily.

But when I started pumping in and out of Rarity, I noticed something odd: I could barely feel anything at all. I knew I was inside of her; her moans and the gentle strand of mare juice running down my shaft were testament to that. But for some reason, it was like the head of my cock was partially numb. Fucking circumcision.

I slowly pushed in and out of her, unable to stop for fear of punishment and unwilling to give her too much for fear of forced repeat performance. That is, until… "Faster, Nav!" she commanded.

I closed my eyes. What the fuck did I do in a past life? I started picking up the pace. Rarity's moans were slowly increasing as well. I noticed Pinkie Pie shaking slightly, trying not to look at us but unable to turn her gaze. This is your fault, you bitch. You watch this. You watch this and know how you made me suffer.

Despite my nearly numb dick, I felt myself pretty near climax disturbingly quickly. We had barely been going for five minutes, but Rarity was squeezing me like a professional whore, which I was beginning to think she actually was.

I think Rarity noticed my increased speed as I came closer and closer. "Not so fast, Nav!" she said. I slowed down. She giggled. "Not quite what I meant, but I love that you're so pliable now!" I saw her horn start to glow and I felt a vice around the base of my shaft. "You aren't allowed to cum until Mistress Rarity cums."

I think my groan could be heard through the gag. I heard Pinkie gasp, "M-m-mistress…" I think she was crying; her breaths were starting to come in short gasps, and she was still shaking.

"Don't worry, Nav," Rarity said. "I'll let you—oooh, keep doing that!—I'll let you cum all you want. But only when I—" A much deeper moan escaped her lips. "Whatever you just did, do it again!" What does it take to make you shut up?

I shifted, making sure I hit that exact spot every thrust. Her moans increased in volume and speed, until it seemed every noise she made was one of pleasure. Jesus, even with a dick in her hitting all the right places she just won't. Shut. Up!

I punctuated that thought in my mind by a few sharp, quick thrusts against that 'special spot' she seemed to love. "Dear sweet Celestia!" she screamed, coating the entire length of my cock with her juices and squirting a god awful mess all over my back legs. You owe me a shower. And a lot of therapy.

Her front legs gave out, and when she fell to the floor her spell over my dick died off. I came inside her, giving her nice pink insides of taste of what they did to my legs.

I heard Pinkie moaning next to the door and I finally turned my head to actually look at her.

What is she… Wait. Her hoof was very close to her… It was very wet…

She was fucking masturbating.

Nope.

Just nope.

I slid myself out of Rarity and didn't even notice as her back legs flopped to the floor and my cum started pooling out her. I walked right up to the wall and immediately lay down in the fetal position right next to it, making sure I couldn't see either of the two ponies.

I'm not moving from this spot until this gag is removed and that door is opened.

Speaking of the gag… I gently raised a hoof to my face, trying to peel the thing off or push it off or whatever. I couldn't get a grasp on it. I let it sit there and closed my eyes. There's nothing I want to say to either of these fuckers anyway. Aside from go to hell.

I heard Pinkie let off a final moan and she stopped with a gentle sigh. I heard her stand and I heard the gentle clopping sound of a pony moving. She moved over to Rarity and giggled. "You may not be a mare like Pinkie Pie," she said, still giggling, "but you're definitely a cream pie now!"

"Pinkie," Rarity moaned, "that was entirely crude, borderline rude, and… incredibly accurate. What Nav lacks in technique he makes up for in brute force!" I heard her give off a sigh and her voice grew louder. "Well Nav, up for round two?"

I heard Pinkie laugh again. "I think he's out for the count, Rarity!" She trotted up to me and poked me. I didn't move. "I think he's sleeping!"

Rarity giggled. "Well, after his little performance I think he deserves a rest. Come on, Pinkie." She slowly stood to her feet. I heard what sounded like a little splash and she gasped. "We can clean this mess up later," she said, moaning slightly. "Let's go get a reward for our good friend here. Right after a little bath for ourselves."

I heard one set of hooves trot over the door and I heard it open. "Coming, dear?" Rarity asked.

"Just a minute!" Pinkie trotted over to me and leaned over to my ear. She whispered, "I'm so sorry, Nav…" She straightened up and walked over to the door. She cheerily said, "See you soon!"

The door pulled shut behind her. I heard it lock again.

So there was going to be a round two. I should have just let them starve me out; at least then I would have given up with dignity.

I was on the floor in the fetal position for over an hour. I heard the door being opened again.

I didn't move.

I heard a sloshing sound and then something heavy hitting the floor. "Wakey wakey!" Pinkie said, coming over to me.

I didn't move.

I heard Rarity sigh. "Nav, you're heavy. Please don't make me lift you with magic."

I didn't move.

A moment later I was sitting in a tub of warm water. Rarity was looking at me with the look a mother would give a child that refused to behave. "Now Navarone, just because I refused to let you cum first is no reason to act so rude!"

I looked at her. I looked at her. I made sure she saw what I wanted her to see.

She broke her gaze, shrinking away from me and giggling nervously. "Well, Pinkie volunteered to help you bathe, so I'll just run along and get our other little present…" I watched her as she walked back to the door. I noticed she was also walking funny.

When she got to the door, she looked back and saw me looking at her. She lowered her eyes and bit her lower lip. "Nav, I…" She stopped. She looked up again. I was still just looking at her, mouth bound. She dropped her gaze and slowly closed the door.

I leaned back in the large tub. I noticed Pinkie staring at me. I looked back. She smiled. I didn't. She made a funny face. I stared at her. She made more funny faces. I didn't respond. She told a joke. Nothing.

She sighed. "Nav, I did my best. I'm sorry. I didn't realize…"

I didn't respond. How the fuck could I with my mouth still gagged?

"I know you saw me doing… well, myself." She giggled slightly. "I tried to not enjoy it, but…" She smiled dreamily, giving me a half-lidded stare. "Well, you are really, really handsome as a stallion. And Rarity is so gorgeous… I couldn't just let the moment go to waste…"

I felt disgusted. Raped—twice—and used again for a rapist's personal needs.

I looked down into the water, unable to look at Pinkie anymore.

"I know you're mad, Nav, but—" I looked up, giving her a glare that somehow had enough force into it to cause her to flinch back about a foot.

Mad? No, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed, disgusted, used, and tired.

I don't think she could look away from my glare if she tried. We were like that for two minutes, me sitting in a tub of warm, bubbly water and her sitting on the floor, looking like she was about to cry.

The door opened again. I didn't move. Pinkie couldn't move. I heard a familiar voice say, "Oh, there you are Nav!" I turned my head very slowly, transferring my glare to this new target. It was Spike. He saw my look and flinched back. "Jeez dude, what happened to you? Twilight and I were wondering where you were last night!"

I slowly stood up and got out of the tub, water cascading from my legs. I walked towards him. Pinkie whispered, "Nav…"

I whipped my head back and glared that bitch down again. She flinched, looking down. I turned back to Spike, letting my look return to relative normality. I walked up to him and lowered my head. He removed the gag, a questioning look on his face. I opened my mouth a bit and after a moment's hesitation he removed the wad. He dropped it with a disgusted sound.

"Thank you," I said, my voice somewhat dry. "What are you doing here?"

"Rarity had me working on something while she was busy with errands."

She used me.

She used me while Spike was a few rooms over.

She used me while my friend—who has a crush on her—was a loud scream of help away.

I heard Pinkie Pie start to cry softly.

I looked at Spike. "I'll see you in a few hours," I said.

"Uh, what's wrong with Pinkie?" he asked, looking at her.

I gently pushed him back beyond the door. "You know Pinkie," I said, turning to face her. "She always hates to see a friend walk away with a frown." I saw her hair completely deflate as I pushed the door shut. Spike looked at me with confusion. I left the shop and returned to the library and went straight to my bed, still dripping water.

(Sex is over. The regular story begins again now.)

Day seven was pretty chill, after I got away from the traumatic events of day five and six. And, even better, it was the day Celestia predicted she would be able to change me and Twilight back. I was definitely in a hurry to be changed back, at that point.

Seriously, days five and six… Never mind.

Anyway, I was locked in Twilight's tree house waiting for Celestia to arrive for about half the bloody day. To have gained wings only to have them unusable was sad, but I was really, really looking forward to having fingers again. And the ability to hold a knife and the nimbleness to avoid nets.

I really need to stop thinking about those two days…

But when Celestia finally arrived, I was put on hold for another bloody hour while she talked to Twilight. Twilight, mind, was not—she was fixed as soon as she closeted herself in with Celestia. Probably discussing what happened with Trixie, or more ways to make me suffer. It still wasn't a reason to make me wait, though. Unless it was the extra suffering thing, I suppose.

When I finally did get a chance to speak with the Princess, though, it did make up a bit for the wait.

"So, Navarone, I heard you had an eventful week," was the first thing she said to me.

"The first part was pretty good. I was still a human, got to travel, see new places. After that, though, it started to go downhill. I got to help torch an old castle that was full of bodies and bad memories, which was a plus. Oh, and I was turned into a pegasus for a week, which really, really sucked. I was forced into dancing lessons, modeling, flying lessons, and if I told you about yesterday and the day before you'd be obligated to arrest a few ponies. Though I've heard tell you had an interesting week yourself."

"What was that part about arresting ponies?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Please, tell me what was so important that I was forced to live like… this."

"Somepony took it upon his or her self to… torch… an old landmark, where, upon examination, several bodies of various animals and a single pony were found. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Sorry, I don't speak English."

"I figured. Don't worry, Twilight already told me the tale. I wish I had known a week in ago, then I wouldn't have wasted my—and your—time on it. If you run into this Trixie again, bring her to me. Do not harm her any more than you have to. Now, I really must insist you tell me about those ponies that I should be arresting."

"It's… nothing. If you can turn me back into a human today, I will not care one bit about what happened this bloody week." I noticed the clothes Twilight was wearing before she was restored—my clothes, mind—were on a nearby table.

"That is, of course, your choice, Navarone. If you really want me to turn you back into a human, I will. I cannot, however, promise that it will work all the way."

"…What?"

"Your wings. You might still have wings as a human, if I turn you back."

"That's… retarded. Why the devil would I still have bloody wings? I'm no angel, lass."

"Because what happened to you, as Twilight described it, was a complete accident. It was the result of two out-of-control spheres of magic combining and shooting out a… sphere of chaos might be the best term. Essentially, the two spells combined effects in a way that is completely unpredictable. Twilight was turned into a human, but kept her horn—which was a really, really odd coincidence, given the range of things that could have happened, though maybe you and her close proximity did something about that. You were given wings and turned into a pony, which might or might not technically be a pegasus. The meat of it is, though, that there's a good chance you'll keep your wings. Twilight kept her horn as a human, and when Luna showed me her human form she had both a horn and wings."

"Alright, I'm going to need a lot of alcohol and some bolt cutters."

"I refuse to let you destroy your body like that! Why would you even think about doing that?"

"I was joking, lass…" God, but that would hurt. "I just really, really don't like the idea of having bloody wings as a human. How am I going to put on a shirt?"

"You have the option of remaining as a pegasus. I'm sure Luna would be happy about that."

"No!" I said, a bit too fast. "No," I said, calmer. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about the last few days? Or is the idea of being with Luna really that bad?"

"Let's just say that the protection I get with Luna is looking better all the time." Which could mean a lot.

"I see." Thankfully, she probably didn't. "Then hold still, and hope for the best."

With that, my brief foray as a pony was over. And my lifetime as a bloody mutant began.

"So you're sure there's no way to get rid of these wings?" I asked, flexing them slowly as I put on my pants. I'm not going to lie, if I was ever given any two powers back home, I would pick time control and wings without a second thought. But when you actually have them, you realize how truly inconvenient they are—wings, not time control. Not as much for a pony, mind, but they are for a human. Sleeping would be a pain, since I'd have to stay on my stomach or tie them to my back so I don't bend them. Sitting down would be a pain, if I sat with my back to anything. As I mentioned before, putting a shirt on was going to be a bitch. If I could ever bring myself to face Rarity again, I could try to commission a jacket or a hoodie that has an open back and a zip-up or button up front.

At least it was still warm out. I had a while before I actually needed to start wearing shirts. Hell, it's not like anyone here would care if I was indecently exposed. Not many of them bother to wear clothes either.

"None that I can think of."

"Before, I could have returned home, even at a big risk. Now, though, I truly am stuck here. There is no way in hell I will be able to avoid a government lab like this."

"Do you really consider that so bad?"

"No. Not really… Not as long as I'm a human, at least. If I'm going to turn back into a pony, I will be wearing some kind of hideous mask the entire time."

"I'm really curious as to how your week went."

"I can imagine." She wanted to ask, I could tell. I wanted discuss it, she could tell. But we both knew the other would never admit to it, and so it went unsaid.

So instead, she said, "Luna has been asking about you."

I repeated myself: "I can imagine."

"She really wanted to see you as a pony. I think she's going to be disappointed about your decision to change back."

"Well, she has the magic to change me at her will, when she gets out. We can… discuss it, then."

"She asked for any messages you might have had."

I started to shake my head, then got an idea. I checked my pockets and pulled out the empty zippo lighter I had. "Here, give her this. It's pretty much useless now, but I don't guess she has to know that."

"What… does it do?"

"Sets fires. It got plenty of use recently."

"And why should I give her something that can create such destruction?"

"For one, it's about empty right now, so I don't think it'll be making any fires. For another, it would be hard to operate without thumbs. And finally, if she asks what it means, I guess make some crap up about how it symbolizes the fire of my passion or something."

"You're so romantic, Nav," she said rather dryly.

"Yeah, just don't mention that it happens to be empty."

She smiled. "From what I can tell of Luna's mood, you might need that fakery. It has only been a month, admittedly, but she seems completely smitten with you. I suggest very highly against doing anything to make her jealous or mad right now. It would not end very well for you or the target of her jealousy."

"I'll… do my best," I said, suddenly feeling somewhat weak.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nay, lass… Just thinking, is all." What are the chances they'll speak up? Improbable, I hope.

"Are you really sure you should be giving Luna hope like this, though? It seems more likely that she'll forget if you don't give her anything to think about."

"After what Zecora did, and my response to it, there's no chance Luna will be forgetting anything. I'm stuck. Nothing for it but to make the best of it."

"You could just have Twilight turn you back into a pony after I leave and have her send me a letter saying that she accidentally teleported you somewhere. I made sure to teach her the transportation spell in case something like this happens again." My blood ran a little cold at that. "Luna doesn't know what you look like as a pegasus; you could easily disappear and blend in, then."

"To do that I'd have to give up being a human. I bloody like being a human. I would not want to be a pony unless I had some kind of magic or something to manipulate items with."

"One of these days, I'll have to turn myself into a human to see what the big fuss about fingers is. Twilight and Luna both commented on it, and I already knew your position on it."

"I thought it was harder to turn into a human if you had a cutie mark."

"Harder, but not impossible."

"Try it if you want, I suppose. It might be interesting to see you as a human."

"I never said I would let you see me. Or anypony, for that matter."

"What, don't trust me?"

"Should I?"

"Well, no, but still!"

"Twilight mentioned how you reacted to her human form."

"Did she also mention that she was drunk and was indecently tempting me?"

"No, she didn't. I might have to bring that up, the next time she mentions you acting inappropriate because you're male."

"She said that, did she? Maybe she'd get along better with Rainbow Dash than I thought."

"I don't think so." I just shrugged at that. "So, care to tell me anything more about your… interesting… week?"

"The first half is fine to tell. The second half… not so much, unless you're into some interesting things."

"I'll listen to anything you want to say."

"Well, it pretty much started with some odd message Twilight got about a bloody competition. It said something about magic items only or something. So that meant I counted, in a way, since I was summoned. I agreed to go and Twilight gave me a neat little weapon she had commissioned a while back. We left, traveled for a few days, and got there. It was a trap, as we had both suspected. We tripped it, fought through it, and won. I ended up a pony, Twilight ended up a human, and Trixie ended up… Well, we don't know how she ended up. We came back and got an interesting reception. Twilight was laughed at by her friends, I was given a disturbing stunned silence. After some interesting experiences getting used to my body, I was forced into taking dancing lessons by Pinkie Pie and Rarity, where I relearned how to waltz, this time as a pony. Then the next day I was forced to model by Rarity, with Fluttershy. The day after that it rained a bit, so we all stayed inside and just talked or did something similar all day. The next day I was taught how to fly by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Then two more days went by and stuff happened in them and then here you are, turning me back into a human."

"Some of that I already knew. I still kind of want to know what happened in those unexplained two days, and why I should be arresting somepony because of it."

"I'm sure you do." She waited for more but got nothing.

It took me a few minutes, but I realized with a start my wings were pretty massive, much larger than they were as a pegasus. When I asked, Celestia made a guess, "Pegasi have a lot of latent magic in them. Some of that magic allows them to stand on clouds, some of it enables them to actually fly. As a human, you probably don't have nearly as much magic as they do. So you're stuck with much larger wings to compensate."

"I don't know much about wings or flying in general. Will that have any consequences?"

"Flying will be harder, gliding will be easier. Lifting off in the first place won't be that easy, but with a running start it will be much easier. If you wish, I can demonstrate. My wings are much larger than the average pegasus wings."

"Nah, lass. I'll figure it out as I go…"

(Extremely OOC note from author ahead)

I've had a number of comments on this chapter from my prereaders. Think about it from different perspectives. First, Navarone: You want to live a relatively normal life as a strange creature in a land where you don't belong. Not as a pony, of course, because trying to live as a pony after living so long as a human would be nearly impossible to acclimate to. But if you get raped by two relatively respected members of that land, who is everyone going to believe when it comes to any manner of trial? If they see that they might get in trouble for it, they could easy say he's lying. That is what Navarone sees. So if he tries to get any manner of revenge, he would be seen as the monster, not them.

Now, Discord: You want to stay under the radar and build the trust of all the little ponies. Accusing two respected members of society of something like that is not a good way to do so.

Pinkie: You want to put a smile on your friend's face. You see how he's always moping about, generally alone and aloof because of his differences. Now that he's finally relatively normal, he's ready to throw it all away just so he can feel right. You can't let that happen! You want your friend to be accepted by the ponies, to smile and be happy! You tried showing him that he can easily find a life here, by getting all of your friends to do things with him all week, and finally by having the CMC try to get his help so he might get a cutie mark. But he's just so stubborn... So you finally have only one resort left: Asking your good friend Rarity for help. Her advice is strange, but showing Nav that mares really do think he looks good is an interesting way of getting him to finally stay as a pony. By letting him know that he has a real chance at a love life, you can really make an impression on him!

Rarity: You are the Element of Generosity, and you can see how often Nav has been moping and lolling about. Not as immature or traditional as some of your other friends, you can see just what he needs: To get laid. He might not like the idea of sleeping with a pony-after all, you discussed the issue with Twilight and she mentioned how he feels. But now that he's a pony, he should have no real issue with it! Or if he does, it's just residual stubbornness. Even if he doesn't seem to really get into it, surely it would only take once or twice to warm him up to the idea. It'll just take a bit of generosity on your part to get him started!

I hope that cleared up a bit of confusion about why I had that chapter like I had that chapter. It wasn't dark for the sake of dark, it was dark for the sake of what they thought was friendship. (Also, I really wanted to see if I could write a convincing rape.)

Chapter Nine—Mailmares, dancing, and Cutie Marks.

None of the ponies in Ponyville commented on my new wings, aside from Twilight and her friends. Apparently most ponies just sort of do their best to look around me when they see me. Not rude, of course, but not polite either. They knew I wasn't of their world, and didn't want anything to do with me. At least they weren't dicks about it, and were actually willing to talk to me if I asked them something.

Not being able to make fire on demand was rather annoying, admittedly. Back on Earth, I put the maniac in pyromaniac. Now I didn't have so much as a book of matches. If I knew more about geology I might could get some flint or whatever it's called and use that to make sparks, but whatever.

And as it turned out, Rarity was able to modify my clothing so that it would fit with my wings. Twilight had to actually ask her to come by the library after I managed to come up with several excuses to avoid her shop, and it was a shock to find her rummaging around in my clothes when I got back from wandering.

I was turning on my heel to head back out when she looked up.

"Oh, Navarone, do come in! I think I have the perfect solution for your clothing problem!"

"Well, I'll just leave you to it, then. I have a guy to see about a thing."

"Don't leave just yet!" Against my better judgment, I stayed. "You know, we're all rather disappointed in your decision to turn back. Especially after that surprise Pinkie Pie and I worked so hard on!"

"Surprise? We have a different word for that back on my world."

"You do seem to have a lot of different words back there. I don't know why you've been avoiding us! You know it was all in good fun."

"For you, maybe."

"You looked like you were enjoying it, to me."

"Is there anything else you wanted, or did you just want to make me die a little more inside?"

"If thinking about that causes humans to die a little inside, I don't see how your species made it so long."

"Well, have fun with my clothes. Try not to break them." I left before she could retort. I wonder if there are pony counselors out there… Probably none that could deal with any of my kinds of problems.

This forced vegetarianism was really starting to get on my nerves. Yes, it's pretty healthy. And yes, the ponies have some excellent cooks that know how to do some wonderful things with plants and tofu. But I was really, really craving a steak, or some beef jerky, or just anything, really.

With that in mind, and with Rarity in my dresser, I grabbed my crossbow—I was getting much better with it, now that I actually had a chance to do some practicing—and started off towards the forest that all the ponies seemed to fear.

Now, I'm not a professional hunter or anything, but I have killed deer in the past. I've also seen them skinned, though I've never done it myself. But I was hungry, dammit, and a cookout sounded good. Fluttershy lived close enough to the woods that I could borrow some fire making device from her to start a blaze to cook whatever I killed on. What's the worst that could happen?

Two hours later, I was really, really thinking about changing my policy on ideas that I preface with 'what's the worst that could happen.' Manticores absolutely do not like people encroaching on their hunting grounds.

Coincidentally, I found out why all the ponies are afraid of the forest. There are some really terrible things living there. I saw all manners of nasties that I almost shot, but then tried to imagine myself eating them and said fuck it.

Where was I? Oh yes, getting chased by a pissed off manticore. I don't suggest it; they are very, very fast. The only thing that saved me was the fact that we were in a forest so it couldn't go full tilt after me. Despite that, there were way, way too many close calls for my liking. Several trees I ducked around were destroyed with very sharp claws, and occasionally some manner of animal instinct caused me to suddenly jump ahead, only to hear a short pounce and a very annoyed cat-like yowl right behind me.

It was discomforting, to say the least.

I don't even know where I was trying to go, at that point. I was just running like crazy, through all manner of odd environs. I passed a few openings full of flowers that I avoided, not wanting to give the critter any kind of advantage of level terrain. I saw a mountain stretching in the distance at one point, but I did my best to keep away from it; wings wouldn't do me any good against something that was born with its own set. I think I even saw a swamp peeking through the trees before I turned and jetted away in the other direction; a swamp wouldn't do either of us any good.

Knowing that most animals in this place are at least sentient, even if unable to talk, I tried reasoning with the fellow as I ran. "This is all just a misunderstanding! I'm just an explorer! Why are you trying to attack me?"

The only response I got was a very agitated roar, accompanied by a beast with a renewed plan of murder. Man, maybe I should have just shot this bastard. I decided then to do just that, whenever I got the chance.

Which came sooner than I expected. The thought had barely left my mind when I hit the edge of the forest. I sprinted on a few more meters and almost tripped; I was so used to jumping over roots and whatnot that when no more came I was surprised. I knew I had seconds to react, so I did my best to load the crossbow as fast as I could and bring it to bear.

I just barely managed to get it aimed, just in time for a very loud "No!" to disturb my aim and send the bolt skittering through the forest. If the manticore also hadn't been stopped by that cry I would have been completely boned. As it was, I managed to force my weary legs to jump high enough for my wings to take effect, and tried to get as far away as possible from that bastard before I looked to see who it was that almost got me killed.

Of course, it would be Fluttershy. That chick likes animals way, way too much. "Any reason you're trying to get me killed?" I yelled down at her.

Instead of answering me, though, she looked at the manticore and said some words to him. He sent a very, very rage-filled glance my way, gave a very loud harrumph, and ran back into the forest. I gingerly landed on my weak legs and waited for some manner of explanation.

"We know each other. What were you doing in the forest, anyway?" That, with a look at my crossbow.

"Exploring. That place is not fun. I don't suggest it as a vacation spot."

"You know, most of the paths are pretty safe; Zecora has some kind of agreement with some of the animals there to keep off the roads."

"Apparently that doesn't apply to that bloody manticore; he was on a road when I ran into him."

"Yeah, her agreement doesn't hold with everything there. But if you must go back into there, try not to lead any of the animals too far out. We all prefer them in the woods."

"I was about to attempt to kill this one when you interrupted my shot. If nothing else I would have given him a scar to tell stories about."

"It's more likely that you would make him angry enough to play with you before eating you."

"I'd rather go down with a fight than go down begging. At least if I had hit an eye it would have been a pyrrhic victory for him."

"That just doesn't seem like a good idea. Wouldn't it be better to try to befriend him?"

"As far as I'm concerned, by the time you're running for your life it's too late to become friends. Especially since he disregarded my attempt at peacemaking."

"Maybe he was just hungry."

"That wouldn't make me feel any better about getting eaten."

"You're so selfish, Navarone."

"If you're really worried about his eating habits, a pony would make a better meal than a human."

"Oh, no, he likes me too much to eat me."

"Shame. I wouldn't mind asking him to carve off a flank for me, on the side."

"…You wouldn't eat a pony!"

"Yeah, he probably wouldn't share…" I honestly don't know if she could tell if I was joking or not. I don't know if I was, either. I've heard a lot of good things about horse meat, but I don't know if that would transfer here. Besides, eating a friend would be awkward, and explaining that to Twilight would be hard.

"Were you planning on going back into the forest? I was going to visit Zecora, and I wouldn't mind the company."

I wasn't exactly in the mood to see the person that doomed me to life with Luna, but I consented; there was a good chance Rarity was still mulling over my clothing, and Fluttershy really didn't like going into those woods alone. For good reason. Hell, not like I had anything else to do. I cocked the crossbow again, just in case, and we set off into the forest.

While we were walking, I tried dabbing at some of the cuts I took across my body in my mad dash through the trees. I still wasn't wearing a shirt, and you run into all manner of nasty things out there when you aren't paying too much attention to where you're going. I was bleeding in several places across my chest, and my arms were really messed up. My legs fared a little better, but I could feel blood crusting in my leg hair. It was pretty nasty, but it wouldn't be enough to slow me down; I heal fast, and I've never gotten any infections or sicknesses. Still, I made a mental note to ask Zecora for some manner of healing poultice, or at least a bucket of water to wash the crust off.

I wasn't entirely reassured by Fluttershy's insistence that the roads were safe, and I found myself jumping at any sounds in the woods around us, dropping the conversation and my attempts to clean myself to aim at it and try to determine what it was. After that happened a few times, Fluttershy politely and very hesitantly asked me to knock it off, though not using those words. I relaxed, a little.

And our conversation was pretty routine. Just past experiences, stuff she had done with her animals and her friends, with me attempting to find any of my past experiences to add to hers that she would approve of. That list was relatively short; animals don't much care for me. I was, at least, able to tell her some of the shenanigans I got into with people from my school. I didn't socialize much, but I was incredibly well known as the wittiest guy there.

Then she started asking about my week as a pony.

"How was your dancing lesson with Pinkie Pie?"

Which one, legal or not? was my first thought. Knowing what she meant, though, I said, "The showgirl outfit was unexpected. Why does she even have something like that?"

"She still has that thing? She got it from a border town a little while ago, while we were visiting some of Applejack's family. She used it in a disturbing dance number there…"

"I can certainly see why that would be disturbing," I muttered. I don't know if Fluttershy heard me, but I thought I saw her smile.

"Was she a good teacher, at least?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I didn't think she could be serious long enough, but she somehow did. She also managed to make it somewhat fun, which I also didn't think was possible. I was never much a fan of dancing, back when I had to learn. I'm not the best at it, mind, and it's still not my preferred hobby, but I'm better able to tolerate it now. Why, thinking about learning yourself?"

"Oh, no. I'm much too uncoordinated for that…"

"…You were a model for weeks because of how graceful you were."

"I… I also don't have a partner." That was almost whispered.

"Yes, I could see that being a bit of a problem. But I'm sure Pinkie Pie could teach you anyway, as the lead."

She looked down, and said "Probably."

Thinking back… Nah. It's Fluttershy.

The rest of the walk to Zecora's passed with little incident, though I did almost shoot a squirrel when he jumped out on the path. As soon as it saw me, the poor bastard squealed and dashed back into the forest. At least I didn't waste a bolt…

To translate for Zecora, because fuck you, "Hello Fluttershy, Navarone. What brings you to my home? And… when did you grow wings?" That last directed to me, I hope.

"A week or so ago. Think you can do anything about them, aside from chopping them off or forcing them into an unwanted commitment for what might possibly be an eternity?" Fluttershy gave me an odd look for that one. Zecora was, of course, unbothered.

"It looks like they're already in an unwanted commitment, if you are trying to get rid of them. I could cut them off, but that would be rather… inelegant. If you just grew them a week ago, why are you trying to get rid of them so soon? Surely the novelty has not yet worn off."

"The novelty wore off as soon as I tried to fall asleep and got a bloody crink in my wings. But whatever; we're not actually here for that. I'm just along for the walk. Feel free to ask her why we're here."

It was made rather quickly apparent—politely, of course—that my presence was not wanted. No one said I had to leave, of course, but I thought it best if I took a look outside. I excused myself, and thought about hiding in the woods and stalking Fluttershy on the way back to spook her. I didn't, of course, but the thought was there…

For being super trusting, these ponies are getting rather paranoid. Twilight never did tell me why she went off to deal with Trixie. Then there was those two days. And now Fluttershy. I suppose it's not really my business anyway; I just like knowing what's going on. I went back to watching the woods and wishing I still had my lighter so I could burn the shack down. I know, I'm a bad person, but I'm okay with that.

Zecora had given me a bucket of water and a washcloth to clean myself a bit with, and I was doing that when I heard a rustle near the edge of the woods and before my mind could fully comprehend what it was doing I was aiming at it with my finger on the bloody trigger. At that point I was very glad at some of the modifications I had done to the crossbow, including a set of iron sights to make sure I know where to aim it, and a guard to make sure the bolt goes in and goes out only when I want it to.

Good thing I automatically aimed, too; it was a bloody cockatrice. However, it did not seem to be one that was hostile. It actually came out with its… arms, I guess, held up. The thing even had its eyes closed. I backed up to the door, keeping my eyes on the critter, and hammered the door with my elbow. "Fluttershy, I found a friend of yours…"

I wish I could say they came out to see a Mexican standoff going down, but in reality it was more me pointing a crossbow at something that obviously didn't want to have to defend itself. "What's going on?" Fluttershy asked, before seeing the cockatrice.

"Don't know. I reckon your buddy there wants some kind of help or something. I vote we tell it to bugger off." Or let me shoot it…

"He might have a hurt friend, though! We can't just let it suffer!"

"…why not? Look, lass. It's getting dark, and we still have to get out of the bloody woods. Do you really want to be wandering around this place in the flaming dark?"

"If it means helping an animal, I will! And if you're too afraid to go with me, then I'll go alone."

"Like hell you will. I think you're a fool for it, but never let it be said I don't stick my neck out for friends. Probably makes me a bloody fool too, though. Too nice for your own damn good."

Zecora, who had been silent up to that point, said "Let me get you something for light…" With that, she walked back into her hut and brought out what looked to me like some bloody glow sticks or something.

"While you're bringing us party supplies, you got any ecstasy stored in there? I wouldn't mind dropping some E while wandering around here." She didn't know what to say to that, so I dropped it. With that, though, we were off, wandering off path through some god-forsaken woods.

It was not a pleasant walk. I had managed to wash most of the blood off while waiting outside, but some of the scratches were burning. And the light from the glow sticks was eerie, casting an unholy radiance about us, sending shadows skittering in my peripheral vision, making me think we were constantly surrounded. And there were plenty of hazards to worry about underfoot as well; roots, bugs, the occasional snake that didn't bite but rather got in your way and twisted under your feet. Low hanging branches, spider webs, and all manner of things were in my bloody way.

I was pissed at that damn cockatrice. And we had to follow him for a good clip into the woods, too.

And all that work just to save a damn pegasus that flew way off bloody course. She was knocked out cold, and had some blood crusted on one of her wings. The poor lass was alive, though, which was better than nothing. So I guess it was probably a good thing that I didn't shoot the cockatrice, but whatever. It's also a good thing I didn't let Fluttershy go alone, because there's no way in hell she could have carried the pony into town alone. She wouldn't let me just tie a few vines to drag her with, so we had to figure out a way to carry her between us. It was interesting. We eventually just broke some saplings down, strapped the pegasus to them with some vines, and made a makeshift stretcher. It wasn't pretty and it barely worked, but I know some rednecks back home that would be proud. Then they would ask why I wasn't having sex with the horse next to me. Rednecks are weird.

Anyway, the cockatrice buggered off after pointing us in the right direction; he probably figured whatever debt he owed to Fluttershy was gone after he helped us find whoever this was. Good enough for me; I just didn't want to get lost—even more lost—in that bloody forest. Still, my chances were pretty good, between the master animal trainer with me and my crossbow. If all else failed, there was a pretty good chance I could bugger off while whatever it was ate the wounded pegasus we were carrying. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I know.

Thankfully, though, the need never came up. We successfully made it out of the woods with little more than a few extra scratches on my part, and several burs covering Fluttershy. And what I assume to be a tic that was on me that was scraped off when we got to the doctor.

And on the way out, I learned it was a good thing I had avoided those large clearings full of flowers. Fluttershy described their effects. Basically, they do to you whatever the most embarrassing thing you can think of would be. I don't even want to think about what they'd do to me. Probably turn me back into a pony and—No! Stop thinking about those days!

The doctor was rather professional, and he was grateful that we managed to bring a waylaid flier in. After getting her stabilized, he looked us both over, professionally sterilizing all my cuts (which hurt like hell) and dealing with the tic. I was fighting fit, if weary. I unloaded the crossbow and decocked it, then quietly made my way out while he was checking over Fluttershy. I ghosted my way to Twilight's house, even though no one was out; the town was pretty well dark and empty by that time.

And then I found my bed occupied by a sleeping Pinkie Pie. I didn't even want to deal with that shit right then, so I just backed my way out of the room, opened a window, and slept out in the tree.

When I woke up the next morning, I remembered why I never, ever did that anymore: Every muscle in my body was complaining at me. And all the cuts I had were itching. Then I rolled over, not remembering that I was still in a tree, and went plummeting down, landing right next to Pinkie Pie, who had just walked out the door.

"Navarone, nice of you to dr—"

"If you finish that I'm going to hurt you," I groaned. I did a quick physical check, and thankfully found that while nothing was broken, the biggest of the cuts had broken open again. I then staggered to my feet, and tried to get inside before Pinkie Pie could remember why she wanted to see me. Almost, but no dice…

"You know, I was waiting up for you last night. Why didn't you ever come back?"

"I did. There was someone sleeping in my bed, so I went elsewhere to sleep."

"Somepony sleeping in your bed? I didn't see anypony there last night."

"She was very pink."

"Somepony masquerading as me, sleeping in somepony else's bed? Sounds like an impostor is trying to ruin my good name!"

"And you're certain that person in my bed wasn't you?"

"Oh, yeah, I was there too. I thought you meant some other pony!"

"Interesting. Well, I'm sure you had a good reason for it." With that, I turned back to the door. Before I could scuttle inside, I was answered.

"I did, actually. Where are you going?" To get away from you is what I was thinking, and I was tempted to answer something about the blood, but instead I just waved her to continue. The lack of coffee in this world was starting to suck. "Why did you become a human again? I thought we had a deal!"

"If you're talking about the whole thing that happened at Rarity's place, I don't really think that counts. In fact, there are a lot of words I could use to describe that, and none of them involved a fair deal."

"That isn't what I was talking about at all! That was just for fun. I'm talking about the dance studio!"

"…Fun? You're twisted. And that dance thing? I said I'd think about it. I did. I decided against it."

"You didn't like it?"

"I'm not that much of a fan of dancing."

"I meant what happened at Rarity's place."

"I told you there that I didn't and I meant it."

"Rarity was so sure you would… Oh well. At least we tried, though I'm sorry you couldn't get into it." It's somewhat hard to stay mad at Pinkie Pie. I tried my best, but it didn't work very well. I turned to go inside again, but was again stopped. "Why are you so covered in bandages?"

"I went exploring in the forest yesterday. It didn't go well. I got chased by a manticore, had to be saved by Fluttershy, and then was forced to go on a bloody hunt in the dark for a downed pegasus. It was a long day, full of thorns and trips."

"Is the pegasus okay?"

"As far as I know. She was fine when we left her with the doctor last night. She's probably still there if you really want to find out."

"Don't you want to know?"

"Not really. I kind of want to see if Rarity ever finished modifying my clothes, so I can get a shirt on over these damn bandages." I turned again to go inside, only to find myself getting dragged by my wings. Yet another disadvantage to them. "I take it I don't have much of a choice in the matter, do I?"

Answering would have required spitting my wing out and letting me get away, so she just plodded on. I sighed. We got a few odd looks from other ponies, but they all knew Pinkie Pie by now and they generally tried to avoid questioning anything that I was involved in.

Thankfully, the doctor wasn't that far from Twilight's house. I figured I could get him to check me over after falling out of the tree anyway. And after getting dragged to his abode.

The nurse sitting in front of the waiting room saw me get dragged in and remarked, "Usually the only ponies that get dragged in here are here for pregnancy tests…"

"She better not be pregnant. If she is, and I'm somehow the father, she better hold on to my bloody wings tight before I slip away and hide for a few years."

Pinkie Pie finally spit my wing out. "We're just here to visit that pegasus he brought in last night."

"No, you're here for that," I said. "I'm here because I was literally dragged here. And while I am here, do you think you could get someone to look at some of my cuts? And make sure I didn't break anything when I fell out of the bloody tree?"

"How did you fall out of a tree?" the nurse asked. "You have wings…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

The nurse shook her head, smiling, and led us to the room the pegasus was recovering in, where we found Fluttershy and the doctor. Fluttershy said, "Navarone, where did you go last night? You just disappeared on us!"

"I went home. I tried to go to bed, but there was a pink furry beast in my bed. So I had a brain fart moment and decided to sleep in the tree. That ended up with me on the ground, painfully, and I almost landed on Pinkie Pie. I don't think anything is broken, but I ripped open one of the bigger cuts." While I was telling Fluttershy that, Pinkie Pie was talking to the doctor about the chick we found.

The pegasus was light grey, with pale golden hair. Her cutie mark was… bubbles? What the fuck? I didn't really notice much about her last night, I was so bloody tired. I took a few steps closer to get a better look at her. The doc was saying something about being surprised she wasn't awake yet. I was peering closer to her face, when she suddenly popped her eyes opened and yelled "Hello!" right at me.

I jumped back and hollered something impolite. I bumped into a curious Pinkie Pie and almost knocked us both over. The patient sat up, laughing.

"Jesus, lass, just give me a bloody heart attack why don't you!"

"Yeah, she's awake," the doctor said. "How are you feeling, Derpy?"

I had heard that name before, somewhere… I caught a site of the chick's face when she looked at the doc. Ah, yes. The chick with the buggered eyes. Derpy Hooves, I think it was. A mail carrier. Her eyes face different ways for whatever reason. She was very, very accident prone.

"Much better," she said, "now that I'm not trying to fly above a never ending forest of evil."

"Yeah, someone seriously needs to burn that fucking place down," I muttered.

My opinion on the matter was thrust aside, of course. I did my best to quietly extricate myself, but Pinkie Pie had to have had some kind of tracker on me, because every time I got near the door she gave me a look of pure malevolence that made me pretend I was just adjusting my stance. I don't know if I've said it before, but that chick can be really, really scary. I don't even know why she wanted me to stay; I had never met this Derpy Hooves chick before. All I had done was help Fluttershy carry her from the forest.

The doc was talking about boring things and I wasn't really paying attention, so I started concocting a plan to escape. Phase one was as such: "Look over there, a distraction!" And when that inevitably failed—wait, what? How did that work?

"What are we supposed to be looking at?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Just keep looking, you'll see it," I assured her, as I very, very quietly backed out the door, then bolted and ran. How the hell did that work? That wasn't supposed to work!

Now, I've heard stories about Pinkie Pie's ability to catch up to people that run away; she has somehow managed to keep up with Rainbow Dash at least twice, which is just something that isn't supposed to happen. She cannot, however, actually fly, unless she gets a device to help her. Thankfully, I can. And, as a test recently showed, I was able to stand on clouds, despite not being an actual pegasus. So as soon as I got out of the doctor's office, I took off and alighted on a low flying cloud to wait and see what would happen.

I mean, if she doesn't know where I'm at, she couldn't possibly catch me. I figured, you know, I could sort of chill out on the cloud for a few minutes and she'd lose interest. I had a lot of aches and pains to work out anyway, so it was a decent setup.

A few hours later, I was starting to wish I had just waited at the doctor. This chick was stubborn! Like, I knew she was manic depressive, but this was starting to get really, really scary. I was somewhat afraid of what might happen if I actually came down, at that point. She had probably asked everyone in the town if they had seen me at least once.

I was peeking over the edge of the cloud when a very chirpy—and dangerously loud—voice said from behind me, "Whatcha doing, Nav?" It was thankfully Rainbow Dash.

I very quickly turned and motioned her down. "Pinkie Pie is stalking me, lass. Bitch is crazy! I know when she picks a day to hang out with you, she likes to be with you all day, but this is getting ridiculous! I've been up here for hours!"

"Yeah, she does that. She's very good at finding you, too. How have you managed to stay hidden for so long?"

"I stay out of sight. She is restricted mostly to two dimensions, the x and the y axis. I have the z axis to play with, now, and there's not much she can do with that."

"…what?"

"I can fly and sit on clouds. She can't. Break the line of sight with her and go straight up and she'll never be able to find you."

"She always manages to find me up here!"

"You stick near the ground, or in places she can get to, and she's able to watch you go to where you hide. If you can lose her for a second, and get to Cloudsdale or something, you're set. That doesn't mean she'll give up, though, apparently. What happens if she doesn't find me?"

"The last time she thought her friends ditched her, she went crazy. Literally. It was scary. Let's not find out."

With that, she made as if to push me off the cloud. "Wait! If you strike me down now, I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine!"

"…what?" Damn ponies.

"Look over there, a distraction!" I pointed, hoping it would work. She gave me that look women give men when we say something that we should be ashamed of even trying, and then kicked me off the cloud. I wish I could say she yelled something like "This is CLOUDSDALE!" but she didn't know that one either. "You Benedict Arnold!" I yelled as I fell, until I caught myself. By then, though, the damage had been done: I had been spotted. It was too late to run, and I'd just be caught and dragged back by Rainbow Dash if not by Pinkie Pie herself. Besides, Pinkie Pie had such a look of joy at seeing me that I would probably feel guilty running from her. I looked up and saw that Rainbow Dash was peeking off the cloud, giggling. I sighed and descended.

"Where were you?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"I was looking for you. I stepped outside for some air, and when I went back you were gone."

"But if I was looking for you and you were looking for me, why did it take us so long to find each other?"

"Bad luck?" Holy God, she actually bought it. This chick is simple, man. "So, why were you looking for me?"

Without answering, she bounced off, then suddenly looked back. "Are you coming?"

This. Bitch. Is. Crazy. I followed. What other choice did I have? She was the Pepé Le Pew to my Penelope Pussycat. The only way to escape the madness was play along.

Which, as it happens, isn't always so bad. My only punishment for escaping her so long was having to help teach Fluttershy to dance. Though, it is a whole lot harder when you're a completely different species than the person you're helping. But Fluttershy wasn't wearing a showgirl outfit, which definitely reduced the awkwardness.

We muddled through it. And the reasoning of forcing me to be her partner was apparently because, as Pinkie Pie put it, "Duh, you're a guy!" My mention of using, say, Big MacIntosh, was shot down with "He doesn't know how to dance, silly!" I was somewhat tempted to offer to find Rainbow Dash, but that might raise questions.

All in all it wasn't that bad. It was odd, certainly, dancing with a pony as a human, but not the worst thing I had ever done.

The next day, I cheated and got all three of the fillies their Cutie marks. Yes, horrific, I know, but they were literally about to cut off some random part of my body for a 'surgery and/or doctor oriented Cutie mark.'

I shit you not.

Now, I don't think they were actually trying to hurt me. I just think they had no idea what pain is, never having known much of it themselves. Minor aches, yes, but until you have something either separated from your body or broken, you don't know what true physical pain is. I had some small surgery done back on Earth, just having an infected abscess removed, but that was painful enough, and I will never forget the site of the doctor finger deep into my shin, blood welling up as he removed more and more of the infection.

These lasses, though, had never felt anything like that; they had never even imagined what it would feel like. But when they found a specimen that suddenly had more extraneous extremities than usual, that were also possible to remove, they got an idea. They hadn't seen something with so many fingers and toes, aside from some of Fluttershy's critters, and she would never allow something such a that to take place.

They figured me for a better sport. My answer to that was hell no. They might not be crazy so much as ignorant, but I thought it was better to end that shit before they actually hurt someone else, or themselves.

To that end, this conversation happened:

"Alright, I'm tired of almost dying. I was told not to mention this, but the person that told me isn't the one getting chopped up. You want to get your bloody Cutie marks? Here: Sweetie Belle, you're a bloody singer. Trust me. Scootaloo, you're a bloody scooter champ, or something to do with coordination or sporting. Trust me. Applebloom, you're some kind of decorator, be it costumes or just art. Trust me. Now focus on those and please stop trying to kill me."

"How do you know what our Cutie marks are supposed to be?" Scootaloo asked.

"Because it's bloody obvious for everyone else. Those flaming tattoos are things you're good at and like doing, things you could see doing the rest of your life. A whole part of discovering who you are and crap."

"Are you sure?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"No, but if I were you I'd put a lot of time and effort checking it out. I'm pretty sure, which is more than you are at this point."

"Who told you not to tell us? We asked everypony for help getting our Cutie marks!"

"If I wanted you to know that, I would have mentioned it when I said I was told not to say. Just don't tell anyone who gave you the advice when you find your bloody talents. Go now in peace, and learn who you really are."

It wasn't as simple as that, of course. Sweetie Belle was not much one for singing to crowds. Shy, in a way, I suppose. She also really, really wanted to be like her sister, for whatever reason. Applebloom didn't want to steal Sweetie Belle's thunder by becoming something akin to Rarity and she also wanted to be more like her sister, even though apples are boring. Scootaloo was somewhat disappointed that she wasn't a singer, but took the news the best of the three.

A bit of one on one counseling was needed for Sweetie Belle, so I started there and sent the other two off a bit to play around with what I told them.

"Alright lass, think about it this way: If you were a clothing designer, you would be in front of a crowd as much as a singer would be, just in a different way."

"What do you mean?"

"Your clothing, your work, your heart and soul would be on display for everyone seeing your designs. Fashionable clothing isn't made to be worn alone, it's made to be displayed. Crowds will see what you make, just as surely as crowds would see you singing. And they would know you just as well either way."

"But singing is just so much more personal!"

"Not hardly. Have you listened to half of what your sister says? She probably puts more personality in those dresses than most singers in my world put in songs. And you can be sure there will always be work for a good singer. Trust me when I say that this is probably what you need to do. Just do me the favor of trying it."

She tentatively agreed, still somewhat fearful of the idea. Imagine her surprise when she walked away from me to find Scootaloo already sporting a Cutie mark. Yeah, I'm a bad person, whatever. But I'm a bad person that gets results.

I very quietly bailed while they were still celebrating. There would probably be hell to pay when they inevitably broke trust and told everyone I gave them advice, but whatever; at least I still had all my toes.

"Navarone, you never cease to amaze me," Twilight said. "A surprise summoning, an amazing discovery. An interesting intellect, a new perspective. You managed to win all of our trust in an astoundingly fast time, and all of my friends became yours as well. You are a rodeo star, a dashing rogue, you made friends with two princesses, and young ponies apparently adore you. So why, then, are you incapable of following simple instructions?"

This was, if you hadn't noticed, part of the 'hell to pay.' I figured, you know, the fillies would wait at least a few days before accidentally spouting off about how I said so and so. Nope, they immediately went and celebrated by telling everyone that "Navarone helped us get our Cutie marks!" Note that at the time, only one of them even had the damn thing. Upon further questioning, instead of properly lying about how I helped them dance or some crap, they repeated most of the conversation, tactfully forgetting the part where I said 'don't tell anyone.'

There was now a queue of ponies lining up to make semi-angry/sideways pleasant remarks at me. Rarity and Applejack were first, of course, followed by Cheerilee, their teacher. I think Pinkie Pie just saw the line and figured that whatever it was for was worth it, and jumped in. And Rainbow Dash was also out there, for some reason. Maybe Pinkie Pie just attached herself to Rainbow Dash today.

"Well, in my defense, I did tell them not to tell anyone that it was me." Twilight didn't look very impressed by that. "I also had a good reason for telling them: They were asking if they could chop off a part of my body to try for a surgery Cutie mark. They were getting dangerous, and I didn't want to risk getting anyone hurt. This is safer." She still didn't look that happy, but I was winning her over. "It's not like I can undo it anyway. It would have happened eventually. Those damn tattoos don't show up unless it's what you're meant to do. Is it so bad that they were discovered from the advice of someone else, rather than on your own?"

That one struck home. She sighed. "I'm convinced, sadly. It's about time it happened, though. I will say that in your favor. Still, how are you going to convince the others?"

"I was planning on hiding and letting you do that. I can go out through the balcony, and be gone before they realize I left."

"I'm starting to think it's a good thing I accidentally summoned you; if you ever got a human pregnant, you would only show up after the kid was born and fully grown. Why are you the most dangerous species, again?"

"Because when you piss us off we fuck shit up, and we have no compunctions against doing it when we think we're right. You're probably right about the pregnancy. Well, good luck dealing with this one." I turned to go, but I was forcefully detained by magic. "Going to help me hide? Good idea!" If only…

So I spent the next half hour explaining myself to some angry ponies. Well, sort of angry. They all agreed, even if only after they spent their anger, that it was about bloody time someone set those fillies straight. As it turns out, Pinkie Pie heard the line was forming up to yell at the human, but she wasn't told why, so she spent ten minutes yelling to me about her day. I just nodded strategically. Rainbow Dash just wanted to high five me for finally doing what needed to be done, which I thought was neat.

Thankfully, I know how to play people, and was able to get out of too much abuse from Rarity and Applejack. Cheerilee was another story, but I managed to guilt trip her away. I also avoided any promises of doing anything of that manner in the future, which was a decent bonus; I wouldn't, of course, unless I was in danger again, but it was good to know that I could. Not like I'd really need to; most of the younger kids here already had their bloody Cutie marks, or their parents kept them away from me.

After that, things sort of died down for a while. I could give a day by day replay, but most of it was pretty similar. After much searching, I found that Applejack was making and storing booze, but since she never distributed it that I could tell, I didn't do anything. Besides, it had proven its use; as long as no one was drinking it, I was down with leaving it ready.

Fluttershy's dancing lessons continued, and I was typically her partner. Not my preferred activity, but it passed the time. And since we both had wings, Pinkie Pie found a few… interesting… things for us to try.

Spike kept up his crush on Rarity, for whatever reason. Maybe she looked tasty, and he was unable to completely separate love from hunger.

All three of the fillies ended up getting their Cutie marks.

And I kept practicing with the crossbow when I had nothing better to do. I was getting ridiculously good with it. No more accidentally becoming a pony for me, not if I could help it.

Chapter Ten—Bigotry and teeth related incidents

About a month after I got the little ones their Cutie marks, there was a knock on the door. Twilight was sitting in the library, stressing about something that no one should stress about. Spike was doing whatever he does in his time off. I was telling Twilight to chill and generally just laughing at her.

When the knock came, she used magic to throw me at the door. "IF YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE, YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS!" she screamed at me, and teleported up the stairs.

I picked myself off the floor and popped my neck. I opened the door. "Can I help you?" I asked the two sleazy looking pegasi standing there.

They looked at me with concern. "You're… you're bleeding," one of them said.

I rubbed my lip and looked at it. Yep, that's blood. "Yeah, I suppose I am," I answered. "So, what do you need?"

They looked at each other and then back to me. Without a word they both reached in and grabbed me and pulled me outside. Before I knew it I was facing back into the library and they were holding my wings.

"Yep," I heard one of them say. "He's a flier."

"Most definitely. And a very resilient one. Would be a great addition."

"I say we go for it," the first one said.

"Agreed."

Without another word they shoved me back inside and pulled the door shut. Huh. I began to walk back inside when someone knocked again. I turned to answer it. "Can I help you?" I asked them again.

"I believe you can, strange winged ape," one of them said. Yellow flag one. "You see, my friend and I are recruiters for a famous flight school called Vaudeville, and we would just love to have you there!" Yellow flag two.

"Uh huh," I answered.

"Yup, that's right!" the other one said. "And at absolutely no cost to yourself, at that!" Yellow flag three. And you're outta here!

"I see," I said.

"We have all manner of interesting courses and lesson plans suited for creatures of all types!"

"You don't say."

"No, I do say," one of them said. "Or rather, I did say. Anyway, we think you would do great there!"

"Cool," I said.

They looked at me expectantly. The silence went on for a little while. One of them cleared his throat.

"…Well?" one of them finally asked.

"Not interested," I said, and started closing the door. A hoof blocked it. I opened the door slightly and slammed it closed. The hoof was still there. Oh right, they don't even feel that. I opened the door again and stared at them. The hoof disappeared and the smiles reappeared. One of them opened his mouth.

I slammed the door before they could move or say anything and turned back into the library.

Twilight was standing there with her horn glowing, giving me the third craziest look I had ever seen from her.

I turned around and opened the door and stepped outside. "Do tell me more," I said, closing the door behind me. I heard something crashing against the door. "In fact, let's walk and talk."

I led them off into the town. Normally the food I eat is provided by Twilight or is given in exchange for odd jobs, and I had pretty much no pony money to my name. I had enough for… well, at least I would be allowed inside most places. I led them to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie lived and the Cake family did business. It was a bakery/diner type affair. Pretty nice place that specialized in desserts.

I saw the two pegasi behind me look at each other as we approached the building. One of them muttered something about 'real food.' "Have a seat," I told them. "I just need to talk to a friend of mine here and I'll be right back."

They moved to a table and sat down with a speed I haven't seen in a while. I went to find Pinkie Pie.

She found me first, as is her way. "Hiya Nav!" she yelled, popping out of some place she couldn't have possibly fit in. "What're you doing here?"

I made sure the two pegasi couldn't hear me. "I'm hiding until Twilight calms down," I told her. "Listen, you want to help me run two filthy Carnies out of town?"

She gave me a look. "What's a carnie?" she asked. "Is it like a… what rhymes with carnie?"

"Carnies are people that run carnivals," I said. Her eyes lit up. I grabbed her mouth before she shouted anything out loud. "Not those kinds of carnivals," I told her. She practically sank. "Freak shows and the like. These two tried to pretend to be representatives of a flight school to recruit me."

"Well that doesn't seem very nice!" she answered, peeking her head around to look at them. She pulled her head back. "But then, they don't look like very nice ponies…"

"Carnies are terrible people, yes," I said. "I'm going to see if I can get them to pay for lunch. If you want to make a buck, charge them extra for everything. And if you know where Rainbow Dash is, go get her."

"Psh, silly! Rainbow Dash is downstairs in the basement!"

This place has a basement? "Well, if you could bring her up here that would be great. I'm going to need her help to get the bastards out of town."

She put on a serious face and gave a perfect salute. She broke the illusion by giggling. She dropped the salute and trotted over to a side door that I had never noticed before. When she opened it I saw that it led down.

A blue blur shot out of the basement so quickly she was hiding behind me before I realized it was Rainbow Dash. "I didn't know you were afraid of the dark, Rainbow Dash," I said, looking at her.

She turned her fear-filled eyes over to Pinkie Pie, gulped quickly, and looked back up to me. "Yeah… dark…"

"Nav here needs your help with something, Dashie!" Pinkie Pie said in her cheerful tone.

Rainbow Dash gave a small look of thanks and stood up fully. "Whatever you need, Nav, I'm here for you!" Her eyes flickered over to Pinkie for a second and she got a bit closer to me to whisper, "As long as it takes me away from her for a little while…"

I patted her on the head. "You're going to help me run some Carnies out of town," I told her. "Right after they pay for lunch." Her eyes grew hard at the mention of Carnies.

"Carnies, eh?" she asked, a haughtiness entering her voice. "Two pegasi?" She described them further.

"Yep," I said. "Sleazy looking fuckers. Tried to recruit me by saying it was a flying school called Vaudeville. Stupid fucks don't know that's a human word too."

Rainbow Dash was wearing a very wide grin that replaced the horror. "I've met them before, Nav. They tried to recruit me because of my mane."

"…That's natural?" I asked. Well, hell, her mane was fucking rainbow colored. How was I supposed to know?

She kicked me in the shin.

After I got done hopping up and down for a moment, I said, "Fine. Just follow me out there and pretend you don't know them. After they pay, I'll ask you what you know about Vaudeville, their faces will drop, and between the two of us we'll throw them right the hell out. Sound fun?"

"Absolutely!" She looked at Pinkie again, then back to me. "And as payment, you're going to hang out with me all day!" I looked down at her. She was wearing a nervous smile. I turned to Pinkie, who was staring at Dash with a scary smile. I turned back to Dash, who was starting to sweat a bit. "Yep, allllll day."

I shrugged. "Fair enough, I suppose." I was suddenly wrapped in a very tight hug. "Yes, yes, I'm awesome. Hugs later, Carnie-kicking-out now. And hopefully free food."

I walked back into the main room with Rainbow Dash behind me. The dirty fucks at the table stopped talking as soon as I came into view and flinched when Rainbow Dash stepped in behind me. One of them put on a really bad poker face.

When Rainbow Dash didn't say anything, they seemed to sag. I sat at the table. "Well," I said.

They continued making things up about the 'school.' Pinkie came out wearing a ridiculous French maid outfit that I had never seen before and never wanted to see again but caught the eyes of all three of my companions. Thankfully, the Cakes still served some of that human food I taught Pinkie how to make. She took orders and departed, swishing her tail slightly and waggling her hindquarters quite a bit more than I thought was necessary.

I looked up and noticed six wings spread out fully as each of them watched her depart. I sighed. "Okay, as the only one here who has actually hit that," I said, "stop watching her. She's a freak, yes, but please!"

Rainbow Dash turned to look at me so fast her neck popped. I saw a blush creeping down her face. The other two were slower in returning their gazes. "Now," I said, leaning in a bit. "Tell me a bit more, would you?"

They did with glee. They thought they were going to get a new freak to show off, after all.

Pinkie came back in a few moments later, still wearing that ridiculous French maid outfit. She dropped off the plates and whatnot, but dropped Rainbow Dash's spoon. Somehow it landed a few feet behind her. "Oops, silly me!" she giggled. She turned around and very slowly bent over to pick it up, swishing her tail aside and that's when I decided to stop looking. I turned back when she was back up. "I guess I'll just have to… clean it off for you," she whispered seductively, slowly licking the spoon clean before I turned away again. Okay, what the fuck, Pinkie? I mean, seriously!

She set the spoon down and walked away the same way she did before. Rainbow Dash's small blush had turned into a fully-fledged one, and I was starting to think she could pass as a smaller body double for Big MacIntosh. I ahemmed rather loudly. I heard one of the two carnies whisper to the other, "We need to come to Ponyville more often!"

We all began to eat quite heartily after that. There was little talking. We all heard Pinkie before she began to come down again and the two carnies and Rainbow Dash were looking to the door with a hopeful expression.

And in walked Pinkie Pie.

In full dominatrix gear.

Their mouths dropped. All three of them. I just looked on impassively.

Pinkie glared. "You better have my money," she growled, cracking a whip somehow. The two carnies looked at each other. One looked terrified. The other got a disturbingly excited look on his face. I heard Rainbow Dash gulp.

"You guys are covering this, right?" I asked them. The terrified one turned his gaze to me while the excited one looked to Pinkie, who had pulled out another—Oh my God what is that?

Now I was gaping. The terrified one saw my look and slowly turned his gaze back. He let out a very, very scared sound and dropped his entire coin purse on the table and dragged his friend out despite his protests. Rainbow Dash turned to follow them but I grabbed her tail before she could get anywhere. She fell on the floor and decided to go into a fetal position.

Pinkie Pie dropped all of her… things, and joined me at the table. "Well, Nav?" she asked, giggling.

I opened the coin purse and dumped it on the table. "Enough for lunch," I said. "And quite a nice tip besides." I stood and bowed slightly. "You were an excellent waitress, my dear," I told her, standing up straight again.

She answered me with a giggle and "Any time, Nav! And if you ever want to… well, you know!"

I dropped my smile. "Maybe later…" She was looking at me with a disturbing intensity. "Maybe, but probably not." She sighed lightly, and turned her gaze to Rainbow Dash. I followed it. "Come along, Rainbow," I said, "We have to make sure those carnies are gone."

No answer.

"Look, Dashie," I said. She flinched at Pinkie's nickname for her. "I remember my deals. Let's go." Nothing. I grabbed her tail and began to drag her out. She started making little noises as soon as she was turned to face Pinkie. I looked back to see Pinkie smiling at me and waving. I shrugged and turned around. The noises began again. I didn't stop.

Well, I did stop and turn around at the door. "Pinkie?" I said.

"Yes, Nav?" She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Go change before Mrs. Cake sees you and has a heart attack." Or Mr. Cake sees you and reconsiders his marriage.

She blinked and her smile dropped for a second before returning full force. "Okie dokie lokie!" I dragged Dash out the rest of the way.

When we got outside I picked Rainbow Dash up—which was hard, given how heavy she was. "Now, let's go hunting carnies," I said when she was back on her feet. I looked around. They were nowhere to be seen. "Well, this sucks."

Rainbow Dash suddenly flinched. I heard her muttering to herself. I let her have her moment. After a few seconds, she nodded. "Alright, let's go!" she finally exclaimed. She looked back at the shop and flinched slightly. "Away from here," she whispered, and shuddered.

We were walking for a few minutes looking for them, talking. "I don't care why the Cakes let her do stuff like that," I was saying, "What I want to know is, where the fuck does she get that stuff? I mean, a dominatrix suit? Really?"

Rainbow Dash was looking less and less enthusiastic with each word. "Look, Nav, I don't really want to tal—There they are!" Her enthusiasm returned when we saw the two carnies talking to each other near the library.

We walked up to them and heard them talking. "I'm telling you man, this place is crazy! Let's just cut our losses and get out of here!"

"And I say we forget the weird ape thing and take the pink mare instead!"

The other one rolled his eyes. "Ever since Trixie left you've been trying to find somepony else to abuse you like that. I'm tired of it!"

This was getting into things I didn't want to hear. I cleared my throat and saw them looking up at me with fear.

"Oh, hello!" the one with the bad poker face said. "We were just talking about you!"

"I see," I answered. "Tell me, what was the name of your school again?"

Their eyes flicked to Rainbow Dash and then back to me. One of them gave off a little laugh and answered with a sheepish tone, "Tuskegee Institute…" Seriously?

Bad poker face is bad.

"Really?" I said. "Because I think I remember you calling it something else earlier. Tell me Rainbow Dash, you know everything about flight schools in Equestria, right?"

She smiled and nodded eagerly.

"Have you ever heard of a place called Vaudeville?"

Her smile diminished a bit. "Can't say that I have, Nav." The carnies looked at each other. She continued, "At least, not in a flying school kinda way. I have heard of Vaudeville, though." She looked at the two carnies, who were starting to sweat bullets. "It's a traveling carnival that recruits all manner of weird things to use as entertainment. I'm sure these two refined gentlecolts wouldn't be from that Vaudeville, though," she finished with a sweet smile.

I heard one of the two carnies gulp as the turned their gaze back to us. "Well, Mr. Ape sir," one of them said, "It really has been a pleasure! But I see you're a busy… thing… and we think you might not quite be what we wanted!"

The other continued, "We'll just be on our w—" My hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat. The other fellow took off immediately. I waved Rainbow Dash down while I dragged this fellow closer. It was fucking hard, too; these ponies are strong as hell.

I leaned my face in close since I couldn't pick this guy up. "I may be a freak, but at least I'm not an asshole." I snarled. "Get the hell out of my town, you filthy fucking carnie." I let him go and he took a deep breath before flying the fuck away.

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who finally decided to stop holding in her laughter. "Well, what now, Dashie?" I asked her. She suddenly found a reason to stop laughing when I said that.

She looked around herself with suspicion and flinched when she saw something. I turned my gaze that way and saw Pinkie waving and smiling again. I waved back and turned to Dash, who was now hiding behind me.

"Let's go flying, Nav…" she whispered, peeking around me.

"Aright," I answered. "I could always use the practice." The rest of the day was spent chilling with Rainbow Dash. It was pretty alright.

When I got back to the library, I found Spike sitting on the front steps. "Well?" I asked.

He shook his head.

I walked up behind him and opened the library door just in time to see a book flying at me. I slammed the door shut and heard a loud thud.

I joined Spike on the steps. "Applejack?" I finally asked.

"Applejack," he answered. I lifted him on my back and we started off to Applejack's farm. She always had spare beds, and was always willing to let a friend borrow one as long as we didn't fuck anything up while there. Most of her beds were small for me, but then most of all the beds in this world were small for me.

We made good time to the farm, and when I knocked on the door Applebloom merrily answered with all her usual fanfare at seeing me. Namely, a running jump hug that knocked me back a few feet.

Yeah, she was really happy that I helped with her cutie mark.

I set Spike down and asked, "You guys mind if we borrow a bed or two?"

She nodded, "Just gotta ask Applejack or Granny Smith!" She sprinted back inside. Too much energy.

Applejack came to the door. "What're y'all two doin' here?" she asked with her typical southern twang. "Don't y'all have your own beds?"

Spike and I looked at each other. He nodded to me. I answered, "Twilight is having one of her little breakdowns. I dealt with that shit for a few hours and Spike dealt with it for a few more hours. Neither of us want to deal with it anymore. Can we borrow a bed or two?"

She looked at us both. Spike did his best to look downtrodden and as baby-ish as he could. She finally rolled her eyes and sighed. "But if Twilight comes to claim y'all, you ain't gonna get a lick of help from any of us."

"Thanks, AJ," I said. "Today has just been a really weird day." She shook her head, letting us both in.

The next morning, I woke up to a filly on my back. "Dafuq?" I muttered, turning over to see what was standing on me.

I heard a loud "MEEP!" and then heard something tumble to the floor.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes and then looked down. "Applebloom, why are on you on the floor?" I asked.

She looked up at me with her evil sad face. "Because you knocked me down!" she whimpered, sticking her lip out slightly.

I was too tired this time to be affected as I had been the last… well, several times. Holy fuck, I must be really tired. "Well," I said, "I hope you learned your lesson." I turned back over and closed my eyes again.

I immediately opened them when I felt her back on my back. She jumped up and down a few times. I curled into a ball. She continued jumping, inured to my plight.

"You gotta get up, Nav!" she yelled. "Twilight's here to get you!"

"Fuck that shit," I moaned. "She's just gonna throw stuff at me some more!"

She stopped jumping. "What do those words mean?"

How has she never heard me say them before? "They mean things little fillies shouldn't know about," I said. "Now get out and let me sleep." I imagined she rolled her eyes, which I would have found amusing if I had my eyes opened. I heard her clop down to the floor.

"Fine," she said. "But you're gonna get it!"

I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything when Twilight came up five minutes later, either. "Get up, Nav," she said. I popped an eye open. Seeing Twilight, I slammed it closed. "I'm not going to ask again. We have work to do!"

"How did you even find me?" I groaned.

"Pinkie Pie knew where you were," she said. "Now get up and stop intruding on Applejack."

Fucking Pinkie Pie. I rolled over, turning my back to Twilight.

She sighed. I felt something yank at my wings, dragging me off the bed. I hit the floor and didn't move. "I'm not going to drag you all the way back to the library, Nav," she said.

"Good, that means you'll give up and let me sleep some more."

"No, that means I'll do what it takes to make you get up now so I don't have to drag you back."

I didn't like the sound of that. "Fine!" I said, pushing myself to my feet. "I have a bed at the library too!"

She nodded, smiling. "That's better! Now, where's Spike?"

I shrugged. "Next door, I guess."

She rolled her eyes. "Come on then, Nav. Your first task of the day is to get Spike up."

"Aww, do I have to?" She looked at me with a bit of fierceness until she realized I was just being difficult. "Jeez, Twilight, chill the fuck out. You are way too uptight, lass. I swear you need to get laid or something!"

Her eyes opened wide and she blushed so red I immediately thought of Rainbow Dash. I just shook my head, smiling, and went to look for Spike.

I found him where I predicted. "Yo Spike, time to wake up," I said, poking him.

He groaned and swatted at me.

I was not amused. I bent down to his… ear? I think it was his ear, it was hard to tell with all the little spine things jutting off his head. "Psst, Rarity's here," I whispered to him, and quickly pulled back and did my best to look nonchalant.

He jumped right out of bed. "WHERE!"

I looked at him, confused. "Where what, Spike?"

He looked at me with madness in his eyes. "I heard somepony say Rarity was here!"

The confusion turned to concern. "You're hearing things, man," I said. "Or maybe it was just a dream. Either way, we gotta go. Twilight's here and she's decided to stop having a fit. Time for us to earn our meals."

He looked at his warm bed. His warm, full-sized bed—at Twilight's library he sleeps in a basket. He turned back to me. "Do we have to?"

"Yep," I answered, picking him up and slinging him over a shoulder.

I felt his elbows go to my back, and I imagined he was propping his head up. "Things were so much easier back in Canterlot," he reminisced. "Whenever Twilight would start to have a fit, Princess Celestia would just come by and calm her right down…"

I started to walk out the door. "Between you and me, Spike, Twilight needs to get fucking laid." Between him and me and Twilight and all of the Apple family, actually: They were all standing in the hall when I said that. "Oh uh… Hi guys!" I said, setting Spike down.

Twilight was looking at the floor, turning even more shades of red. Big Mac was wearing a silly little grin, looking at the wall. Applejack was alternating her gaze between me and Twilight, cracking up. Applebloom was looking at me with confusion. Granny Smith was wearing her own little smile, staring at me with an intensity I wasn't quite comfortable with. And Spike was just plain laughing his ass off.

"So Applejack… Can I borrow that bed for a few more nights?" I sheepishly asked. Applejack finally burst out laughing.

Applebloom finally asked, "What's… laid?"

Now Granny Smith was cracking up.

"You know what," I said, "I think I'm just going to stay with Rainbow instead…"

Twilight sighed and grabbed me and the still laughing Spike with magic and dragged us back to Ponyville.

In early July, I shattered some teeth. Well, it wasn't actually me that shattered them, but they were my teeth. Honestly, I'm just lucky my entire jaw wasn't broken…

I was playing hoofball—football—with the extended Apple family and a few other friends when Applejack pretty much bucked me right in the face. I went flying backwards, dropping the ball. My head felt like it had been put through an engine block, and I was spitting up enough blood that it looked like I had just bitten a chunk out of someone.

After hundreds of apologies and a quick trip to the doctor, I was diagnosed with a serious case of missing half of my teeth. And a concussion, but that wasn't really permanent. Given my diagnosis, I was proscribed a trip to the dentist.

Colgate.

Colgate… I haven't written about my past experience with her, because she scares me. The first time I went to her—to get a specialized toothbrush—she freaked the fuck out over my canines. I didn't know if she was aroused or terrified or both. I just know that me getting a toothbrush turned into me getting hit with a lot of laughing gas and not remembering what happened next. I woke up with my teeth shined to perfection and a minty taste that didn't leave me for a few days. I also had a toothbrush and a card that said 'call me' on it.

Ponies don't have phones. I avoided her from then out.

Sadly, that wasn't exactly an option right now. My teeth were fucked and I needed them fixed. Thankfully, Applejack agreed to sit with me, since it was her fault my teeth were busted. We got to Colgate's… I hesitate to call it an office, but I guess that's the closest word for it. There was no line, since it would take a foolhardy person to visit her more often than they needed.

Colgate was sitting at the front desk, wielding a large, bright smile towards the door. She was a light blue unicorn, and had a darker blue and white mane. I stopped when I stepped inside, afraid to go any farther, but Applejack pushed me in. "Ya gotta get your teeth fixed, Nav. Even if it's by… Colgate!" AJ had just gotten in and saw her staring at us with that smile. "Uh. Hi. Nav here has some broken teeth and we were hoping you could fix him up." She sounded a bit uncertain.

Before either of us could react, Colgate was across her desk and pulling me to her back room. "I'll have to take a look, but I should be able to fix him right up. Anything for my favorite patient!" AJ moved to follow us, but Colgate said, "You just wait out here, now. I'll take gooood care of him!"

I looked imploringly at AJ. She saw my look and said, "I don't suppose you'd mind if I watched, would ya? I uh… I want to see what happens?" Applejack is easily the worst liar I have ever seen. This was one of the only times I ever saw her even try to say something that wasn't true.

Colgate shook her head. "Don't you worry about him a second. I'll just take a look-see and have him back out in, oh…" She looked me up and down and her smile somehow grew wider. "An hour or three."

"Three hours?!" AJ sputtered. "Why would it take that long?"

"Well, if his teeth are busted out, I'll have to regrow them! And since they're broken, I'll have to file them down so they won't be jagged." This was sounding worse and worse, and my wings drooped. "I mean, if he can't even talk, surely it's pretty bad." I sighed. She saw the state of my wings and said, "Cheer up, Nav! I'm sure I can keep you distracted through the excruciating pain." My eyes widened as she yanked me the last step and slammed the back door behind me.

Before I could recover she threw me onto a chair made for ponies and lowered it back, leaving my upper body to dangle onto the floor. "Oh yeah, forgot about that!" She pulled an ottoman from somewhere and put most of my upper body on it, letting my wings dangle under me. "Now let's get a look at tho—Sweet Celestia!" She had my mouth open, looking at what was left of my teeth. "How did this even happen?" I tried to say something, but nothing articulate came out. "AJ bucked you in the mouth? That was rude of her!" Well, I didn't think it was anything articulate. I guess she can understand mouth-open speak.

She poked one of the remnants of my teeth with some tool or something and I flinched. "I bet that hurt, huh?" What the fuck kind of doctor are you? I gurgled as much. "Oh, I never went to a medical school. I'm not a doctor!" I think my pupils shrank at that, and I tried to push my way up but she threw me back down with magic. "You have to sit still for the dentist, silly! Now let's see, how did that spell go again?" She left me struggling in the chair and walked over to a table. She picked up a book and walked back over. I saw the title was Dentistry for Dummies. Who even makes something like that? "Ah!"

Her horn lit up and she bent it down to my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a massive amount of pain. I felt nothing. I hesitantly opened one eye to see her sitting back, watching me with a smirk. "Psh, did you really think I would use a spell that hurt you while you weren't even sedated?"

"Hng?"

"That spell is painless. Your teeth should be back in an hour or so. I wasn't lying about having to file them down, though. We won't actually use a file, mind, but it'll probably be uncomfortable." I gurgled something. "Because the look on your face was priceless!" I gurgled something else. "Oh, no. I'm still going to do that. I just wanted to see your face before I started." My eyes widened before the gas mask was forced over my face. I had time to struggle before I was completely out.

I woke up to find myself on Applejack's back. She was carrying me somewhere. I lifted my head and noticed that I actually had all of my teeth. "Oh good, you're finally awake." AJ stopped to let me stand. I stumbled a bit, my head still dizzy.

"What… what happened?"

"That crazy dentist did something to your teeth. I saw they were all back, but some of them looked a bit… different."

My eyes widened and I started poking at my teeth. They all felt mostly right, but the canines… They were sharper for some reason. I said, "She made my canines sharper."

"Canines? You have dog teeth?"

"Ah, no. That's just what they're called."

"Why do you have sharp teeth anyway? You don't need teeth like that to eat our food!"

"Uh… They're so we can crack open fruits and nuts easier." Bold-faced lie.

"Oh. Huh. Well, you think you're good to get home? I need to get back to helpin' the family."

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for looking after me."

"Hey, it was my fault you were out of it anyway. I'll try to be more careful next time." I waved her off and continued back to the library. Well, now I have sharper teeth. Fun.

Chapter Eleven—The Gala

Things got a bit more awkward when Twilight and her friends were all invited to some event called the Grand Galloping Gala. The ponies sure like their bloody alliteration… Anyway, none of the friends really wanted to go, and after hearing their reasons I agreed. However, Twilight felt it was her responsibility to be there, and decided to drag me along for whatever reason. Bloody women, man.

After some exhaustive preparations that went above and beyond what was probably required, we were off. Since it was just the two of us, and neither of us really wanted to be there, we didn't go all out on the transportation. I had heard that the last time they went, they used a bloody pumpkin carriage or some crap. We just got a ride from a palace chariot the day before and stayed at Twilight's old room so we could walk to the Gala the next day.

"Remind me again, why am I here?" I asked her, as we sauntered up to the front doors.

"A few reasons. One, so I wouldn't be alone if it came down to that. Two, your presence was requested in a letter I received. Three, I want to see how immune you are to the impromptu song magic that happens occasionally." My wings twitched at the second two reasons. I didn't much like the sound of them.

"Would it be chill if I just sort of hung out in the garden all night? I've heard it's pretty nice, if the animals don't hate you."

"Nope, you're going to be right where I can keep an eye on you. I don't know if I'd trust you loose in a room full of some of the most influential ponies in Equestria."

"You still don't trust me yet?"

"It's not that I don't trust you, but rather that you've already managed to befriend both princesses. Any more powerful friends and I might not be able to abuse you so much."

"Yes, and that would just be such a travesty."

"Shush, we're where ponies can hear us now!"

"The only people that will be listening are the servants. You can bet most of them are in someone's pocket, and some probably report to several people. The rich care too little to listen to the likes of us. Most probably won't even notice me, since I'm not something that's supposed to be in their world."

"Wouldn't that draw more attention to you?"

"Two possibilities: One, that I'll be completely unnoticed unless something happens to bring attention to me. Two, I'll be the center of attention the whole time. And since no one is even looking our way, I'm pretty sure the first will be true." Now, that wasn't entirely true. We were getting several sidelong looks, but no one actually addressed me. Most probably knew about me by now; I had been in their world for almost a year at that point, and had been at the palace once as a personal guest of the princess and the center of a decently sized sporting event. I suspected that if I ever found myself alone during this party, I wouldn't stay that way for long.

I wasn't specifically given a ticket, but since none of Twilight's friends came along, I was given one of theirs. It was enough to get me in, though I was given an odd look by the servant watching the door.

When I got inside, I was somewhat astonished by the changes in the palace. When I had been here before, it was quiet, regal, subdued. Now, though, it was boisterous and bright, full and fabulous. We made our way to meet the host, Princess Celestia. She didn't look overly surprised to see me, and made little comment on it. Twilight had learned her lesson from the previous year, though, so we didn't crowd Celestia for very long.

We weren't away from her for five minutes before another servant approached us with a plate of drinks balanced on a hoof. How he was walking on three feet and serving, I don't know; I tried doing something like that as a pony and it didn't work well. Anyway, he somehow discreetly slipped me a note, which I thought was neat, seeing how he did it. The note was somewhat disconcerting:
Meet me where we first discussed the exile in 30 minutes – C

It raised a few questions. First and foremost, how the hell did she write a letter if she didn't have hands and was constantly talking to courtiers? Second, what did I do this time?

Breaking off from Twilight was no problem. I just started a conversation with a nearby unicorn about magic and let the two of them duke it out while I silently slipped away. For a guardian, Twilight was ranking about as well as the parents from Rugrats.

While I waited in the sitting room, I sipped at the sweet punch, trying to think of what Celestia might want. My best guess was something involving Luna. I didn't really want to come in the first place, and if Celestia wanted to send me away I wasn't going to say no.

I was starting to wonder if I should just save everyone some time, leave a note, and bugger off back to where we were staying the night, when Celestia finally showed up.

I opened my mouth to greet her, but was interrupted with "You're not supposed to be here."

Instead of saying what I was going to say, I responded, "Yes, I'm supposed to be in fucking college. But sometimes life doesn't go as planned."

"Sorry, I know that was rude. But why are you here? There was a reason you weren't sent a ticket, a reason you were supposed to be smart enough to understand!"

"I understand just fine. Good luck getting any sense into Twilight's head without telling her things she doesn't need to know. Besides, I heard Luna doesn't even come to these bloody things."

"Normally, no. But servants talk, and word has probably reached her by now that you are here."

"Even with these damnable wings I can still fit through this bloody window. Just say the word and I'll be gone."

"No, I have something… different… in mind."

"I also have the option of just chilling here for a spell. I mean, she's considerably more likely to look in the party areas than she is to look where no one is supposed to be." I was trying to avoid the solution I feared she had in mind.

"I'm sure you were seen by somepony on your way here. She would very likely find you eventually. Besides, what would we tell Twilight?"

"That I was disrupting the party with my humanness?"

"That will be a good excuse. Remember that one. Now, take your clothes off."

"Look, Princess, I know you've been alone for a long time…" The look she gave me could kill a lesser man. I sighed and did as she asked. "This isn't going to work, you know. I'll still be a bloody blank flank."

"Not if you're wearing a cape. And I can magic up a little something, for good measure; it won't be permanent, but it will do what we need it to. You are going to make Twilight's night."

When the change was done, and she had sent a servant to get some clothing, I began to see what she had in mind. "Oh, I hate you."

"I know."

"You realize that this is highly unnecessary, right?"

"Probably, but it will definitely liven up this otherwise dreadfully dull party."

"Have I told you recently how much I hate you?"

"You've mentioned it, yes."

"You're lucky I'm good at faking accents." A few minutes later, "This will never work…"

"Twilight mentioned you taking some dancing lessons. How good did you get?"

"I got good at dancing with a pony as a human. Dancing with a pony as a pony will be different, mind, but I did get some practice with it in the last time I was a bloody pony."

Before I go into detail about the rest of the very interesting night, I want to explain what the hell was going on: Celestia dressed me up as a Zorro of ponies. Large rimmed black hat, a black mask, a long black cape, and she did something to me to give me a "Z" cutie mark, bordered by smaller question marks. How she knew who Zorro was I don't know, but it was an interesting setup she got for me.

"Now, what's the purpose of this again?" I asked, right before she left to rejoin the party.

"Do you know how boring these parties usually are? This will provide hours of entertainment, especially if Twilight doesn't realize who you are."

"You are a terrible person and you should feel ashamed."

She smiled. "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm a pony, not a person." With that, she went back and left it up to me on how I would make my glorious entrance. I have got to stop letting this happen. Then an even funnier thought occurred to me: Does Celestia know that Zorro was usually a rebel? I was very tempted to get some revenge on her by going after Luna instead of Twilight, but figured that would probably end badly for me. I was even more tempted to go after Celestia herself, but that could end in a very bad way, for more than one reason.

I am so going to hate myself after this… followed by I am not at all this kind of person followed by Oh God why am I doing this followed by several litanies of hate, against Twilight for bringing me here, Luna for requesting me, and Celestia for making me do this. The last thought was Fuck it, take it like a band aid.

With that, I somewhat arrogantly burst through the front door, turning more than a few interested heads my way. Several of those faces turning my way soon had dropped jaws. There was one fellow, the dude I assumed was Prince Blueblood—Rarity's him—looking at me very, very hotly. I figured it wasn't often that someone as handsome as himself showed up, even if I still found it hard to believe I was even slightly passable. Before anyone could think to enquire anything about me, I cast my gaze slowly about the room, silently daring anyone to speak out against me. Blueblood saw my challenge, thought better about saying anything, and went back to his conversation about himself to some random bored looking female unicorn.

In my half glance, I noticed several things. One, that Luna had indeed joined the party, and was apparently searching for me; she had commandeered an unhappy looking Twilight and was roaming the hall, looking quite like a lost puppy. A few people were half-heartedly attempting conversation with her, but her dispirited answers didn't inspire total confidence, and thus she was for the most part left alone. Celestia was back on her landing, greeting courtiers as they came up. The line stalled a bit as I walked in, but soon continued along. The background music continued playing with nary a pause, though several musicians did look up as I entered. I caught the eye of one, a haughty, dark grey cello player with purple eyes, and nodded slightly to her as a gesture of common working-pony respect. She surprisingly returned it, though almost imperceptibly. I knew that was an alliance I could use soon.

I was in an unfamiliar element dancing to tunes my feet did not know. It felt wonderful. I was finally back into the mix, back into the unfamiliar, making split second judgment calls that would either make or break me, depending on charisma, luck, and sheer audacity to see me through the night. It's good to be alive.

I gave a half laugh to myself, and sauntered inside. It was going to be a long night and I officially did not exist! I could not screw anything up no matter how badly I failed, because as soon as this ended I would disappear into the night, never to be seen again. Unless I end up dead, and what are the chances of that? My eyes flicked to Luna again. Maybe more than I think.

I casually mixed through the crowd, exchanging pleasantries with unsuspecting ponies, complimenting mares and encouraging stallions. I received more than a few pleased blushes from the mares and knowing smiles mixed with sidelong glances at a certain few mares from the stallions. It's not that I'm normally bad at conversation and knowing what to say, it's just that I so very often don't care. I say what I think because that's how I am. It earns me few friends, but the enemies I make are often very friendly. But tonight I wasn't me. Tonight, I was to be the life of the party, a mysterious and handsome pegasus called only Z. And my accent was Scottish, because fuck you.

I made a wide circuit of the chamber, with a certain goal in mind. I could tell from my occasional glances that Celestia was hiding a smile. I could also tell that Luna and Twilight had noticed me, but didn't know who I was or what I was playing at. Always keep them guessing was the advice I was always given in terms of women. Tonight, I would find out how well that worked.

I completed the circuit I was trying for, and greeted the two gentle mares before me, "Princess Luna," said with a courteous bow and an extra accented twang. "And Miss Sparkle, I presume?"

I received nods for my effort. Before I could be dismissed by Luna, however, Twilight—perhaps sensing an escape from the princess—asked me for a name.

"You may call me Z," I responded.

"That is what I may call you, but what is your name?" Twilight riposted.

"What is a name but what a stallion is called?" I almost said 'man' instead of 'stallion;' that longstanding habit almost biting me in the ass. I continued before my near slip could be noticed, "I am known in many lands by many things. Here, however, I choose to be simple, and to ask others to call me only by the mark I was given as a colt," said with a casual sweet aside of my cape, raising more than a few eyebrows of those ponies around me; few had seen a cutie mark so… odd.

"Many lands? Where are you from originally?" Twilight asked. Princess Luna was at this point getting rather bored with the conversation, and tried to lead Twilight away. She rebelled and Luna, somewhat exasperated, gave up and excused herself.

Goal one: Accomplished. Get Twilight alone and away from Luna, while not letting Luna onto who I was. I was having more fun with this than I probably should have.

Now, my answer required knowing the workings of a map, which I most definitely have. It also required a bit more history which few ponies knew, and I was wagering that Twilight probably didn't know much about either since it involved very little magic. Ponyville, you see, was in what on Earth would be America. Most ponies never get to any other continents. Most don't know anything about them other than that they exist. Scotland is, of course, in Europe in my world. I had no idea what the hell it was called here, either Scotland or Europe; I had seen them on a map, but I didn't bother to remember. But I did remember a strange piece of history: Not too long ago there was an odd bit of contention in Europe—not so much as a war, of course, but a few lines were redrawn, with nations made and nations broken.

So instead of an answer, I spun a bit of a riddle: "I come from a land far away across the sea, a land of glorious ponies, of wonderful art, and of beautiful mares, though it is a land that no longer knows the light of sun; recent altercations have driven my perfect homeland into extinction, and the best way to remember the dead is as beautiful, so I shan't belittle its name by gracing it with my unworthy lips."

"If you are so used to beautiful mares, why stoop to converse with one so humble as myself?"

"Humble? You have nothing to be humble about, my dear! Of the many beautiful mares of which I so meekly claim to have known," Not the Biblical 'known,' I hope she realized, "few could hold a candle to the beauty I see before me."

"Oh, there are a few that are close to my… beauty?" she remarked quite coyly. I don't know if she knew who I was yet, but I think she was having a bit of fun.

"There are neither perfect stallions nor perfect mares out there, my dear, and to pretend that anypony is an absolute paragon of beauty would be a lie. I am many things, but a liar is not one of them."

"Oh? Of those many things you are, are you perhaps somepony I may once have met named Navarone?"

"Navarone?" I said with a bit of confusion. "I have heard tales of this creature, yes, but do I not have considerably more legs than he? I would also bet I am shaped somewhat differently than he, in many ways and areas. I had heard he was here, and was somewhat hoping to meet him, but I assume from his absence that I was misinformed."

"I see," she said. "Tell me, Mr. Z, what do you know of this land?"

"Please, Madam, it is just Z. We are all ponies here, there is no need for any titles."

She nodded, smiling a bit. "Only if you agree to the same. My name is Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."

"Twilight Sparkle," I whispered quietly, as though savoring the name. "Shall we walk, my dear, and savor the young night together?" It would be at this point I would offer my arm to the lady, but I don't think that would work well with hooves; I have not had the long practice servants obviously went through.

She graciously accepted my offer, with a proffered "It would be my pleasure." We walked into the night, followed by a few jealous glares and more than a few knowing smiles.

"To answer your question, dear, I know very little." We were talking and walking in the garden, surrounded by the weakly echoing noises of the extravagant wildlife. "I am newly arrived here from overseas, after more time wandering than I would care to admit. It is amazing what you never seem to find while exploring the world, and it is just as amazing what is so abundant. I came to this land to continue my wandering, but heard there was a grand party here on this night, so my travels conveniently brought me here. I have seen many of the wonders of this world, but never before have I laid my eyes on the great Princess Celestia herself, or any of the creatures of Navarone's sort, the so-called humans."

"You obviously didn't think very highly of Princess Celestia, if you preferred to come to one such as me instead of meeting her."

"I met her yesterday, actually. Despite my generally unknown status, it appears that during my travels I have built up a sort of… aura, I suppose, of worldliness. She saw me gazing upon her with unguarded wonder yesterday, and knew that among her many fans, I was seeing something amazing and yet at the same time I was seeing it with the jaded eyes of a long-time traveler. It was not long after that short meeting that I was summoned to the palace. Through the busy and boisterous preparations I came, with all the possessions I owned in this world upon my back, and met the princess under the shade of this very garden. She is a wonderful scholar, though I suppose that comes from the boredom of living thousands of years; she easily beat me in any contest of wills I gave her, and was always kind about her victories. I must have impressed her, at any event, as I was offered a billet in the palace for as long as I was willing to stay, and an invitation to this event."

"And meeting Princess Luna doesn't appeal as much to you?"

"Princess Luna obviously wanted nothing to do with me. The poor mare looked as though she had lost a lover, and I wanted to let her continue her search. You, however, appeared to be here alone, and were beautiful; you did not appear to be in line with Princess Luna's search, and were looking for an escape. Am I such a terrible pony for respecting the wishes of a princess to search for a lost love and respecting the wishes of a beautiful mare by escorting her away from a place she doesn't long to be?"

"Yet you have no qualms attaching yourself to vulnerable innocent little me?"

"Innocent, probably. Vulnerable, though? Hardly. I can see the intelligence in your eyes, and there is no need to hide it from me. That is part of your beauty, though not nearly all of it."

"One could say that innocence implies vulnerability, just for the sheer fact that innocence means one is not yet hardened to the facts of life, and is thus vulnerable to being lied to or disappointed."

"One can say many things, but most of them aren't true. There is strength in innocence, a strength I fear I have lost long ago. There are also many types of innocence, but that is another subject entirely."

"I don't think I'm as innocent as you think I am."

"Oh? This might surprise you, but there is a great difference between what you learn from a book and what you learn from experience. You may have led a full life, and may even have traveled a bit. You might have loved and lost, loved and kept, and possibly even been betrayed. You may have seen oceans great and wide, tracts of empty land stretching as far as the eye can see, and you might have seen the largest fabled city in the clouds, the eponymous Cloudsdale I also hope to see soon. But there are perhaps only three beings on this continent that could claim to have done more in their life than I, and I am not so certain about two of them. Perhaps this human Navarone, as I have never seen his lands. Perhaps Princess Luna, for I have never in my life been to the moon. But definitely Princess Celestia, for she has lived in one life thousands of years, and probably has commonplace dreams more interesting than the most wonderful thing I have seen. You might not be innocent, in your eyes, but to me there is little you could say."

"You are a bit of a braggart, and more than a bit of a poet."

"I wish I could say that I have little to brag about, but I have lived a life, whereas most ponies just have a life they occasionally toy with. And I am no poet, though I do speak from the heart; it tends to spin everything lyrically."

"I think you're also a liar."

"You wound me! As I have said, I am many things, some of them even bad, but none of them a liar." If she ever figured out the game I was playing, I would probably have to hide for several days before she stopped rampaging.

"How can I trust somepony I believe to be a liar when he tells me he is not lying?"

"Now you speak in riddles. Which would you prefer to believe, dear? That I find you beautiful, or that I'm lying? That I am somehow your human Navarone in disguise, or that I am what I say I am?"

I could tell she was about to speak again when I saw we had completed our circuit, and were again near an entrance to the palace. I even recognized the song that was playing; it was one of those that Pinkie Pie used to teach us to dance. Before she could open her mouth, I said, "Would you care to escape the chill of the night and return to the party? I hear a song I recognize, and would love to dance with you."

I cut her off just right. "I don't know how to dance! I mean, I've read on the subject, and I've watched some friends practice, but I know nothing of the art itself!"

"There's part of your innocence showing, my dear. Come, there is little to it; I can teach you as we go along. Just follow my lead." Throughout that dialog, we had entered into the palace, finding a half-full dance floor in front of us. The clatter of hoof on tile was like music to my trained ears, and I longed to start this farce. I marched her into position, and started the dance with 'just follow my lead' still dancing in her ears.

She was awkward, of course; between not expecting to be dancing and not knowing what she was doing, awkward was probably a weak word for it. But she learned fast enough, and finished the dance considerably better. We launched into the next with alacrity. It was one I was less familiar with, but we did well enough for ourselves. It lasted for a spell, and then a dance wherein partners were swapped came up. I almost bowed us out of this one, but Twilight seemed to want to continue, so I stayed with her.

After a small succession of partners that seemed rather pleased to find themselves in my arms—forelegs, whatever—I got a very interesting surprise: Princess Celestia herself. I recovered smoothly from the stumble I barely made, and whispered to her, "Princess, what a surprise."

"Hello again, Z. I see you are enjoying yourself, and my young student."

"There is no hospitality like royal hospitality, love. I find it so little in my travels across the world. Shame I only met you yesterday; I feel like we could have gotten to know each other better."

"Some dalliances are best kept short."

"I am ever the traveler, my lady."

"Anything you need?" asked in a more serious and quieter tone.

I quietly responded, "If you see me nod at the band, teleport me to the sitting room. They'll talk about this one forever, if all goes according to plan."

She smiled. There was a lot to be said about that smile.

With that, partners were swapped again, and I took what knowledge I gained from that exchange with me. She should know better than to think I would linger with Twilight; of course I would toy with her and bail. And that is all that would happen, too; I had no illusions of anything else. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, though, as well as an ace hidden that would definitely liven up the night for Celestia, if I could pull it off.

When the dance ended with Twilight again in my arms, I managed to lead her off the floor. She seemed considerably livelier after that, and the conversation we were having took off. I managed to lead her to the question I needed her to ask: "Tell me, how do you typically travel?"

"For long trips, I try to stick to trains or if possible boats. Ponies may not have been made for the sea, but the sea seems to have been made for us… It is so beautiful, so open, so free! But even the sea has nothing on the absolute freedom of flying. There is no greater wonder in the world, even if you include your princesses. I feel sorry for any earth ponies that never get the chance, though I have heard that there is a spell known to some unicorns, a spell that grants wings, even if for a short time."

"I know that spell!" she exclaimed, louder than she meant to. A few glances were cast our way, but most of the smoldering gazes were by now cooled, and instead of hate cast her way there was merely curiosity. She continued, quieter this time, "I cast it before for a friend. It gave her the most amazing wings…" I waited for a beat, letting her come to the conclusion herself. "I could… I could cast it again now, if you would want to show me the sky."

The way she phrased that… I'm treading in dangerous waters, here. I hope my plan doesn't break the poor lass… I know I said she was strong, but I think we were all about to find out just how strong she was. Yes, I'm a bad person. But in this case you can blame Celestia. I'm just hoping she holds up to her end of the bargain, because if this goes according to plan, and I'm still in the room after, Twilight might well be mine.
Time to roll the dice…

"Cast your spell. I shall dance with you in the air if you can make yourself a set of wings," said with a secret smile.

"I might ruin my dress, though…"

I led her to a small alcove and, with a sweep of my hoof, I divested myself of my cape, showing my mysterious 'cutie mark' off to all who cared to see. "We are all ponies here. There is no shame to be had. Ruin it or remove it, if you want the freedom of the air."

She silently removed her dress. I gazed upon her with feigned admiration, whispering, "Ay, Dios mio!" She blushed, then went about casting her spell. When she had finished it, I couldn't help myself, and let out another, "Ach, mein Gott!" The wings she summoned… Gossamer and honey dew, supposedly. Either way, they were the wings of a butterfly: delicate, tender, beautiful. I showed her how to spread her wings and fly, in that small room, then led her out, back into the dance hall.

At this point, she gained more glances than I, as well as many whispered remarks. I detached myself from her for a second, long enough to talk to my new friend in the band, the grey mare from before. "Ma'am, I have a request, if you would be so kind…"

"Your name, sir?"

"I am called Z. And you?"

"Octavia. Tell me your request." I gave her the song Pinkie Pie used to get Fluttershy and me to dance in the sky. She raised an eyebrow, but nodded. "It is an old song, but beautiful. We will play it for you." I hurried back to Twilight's side.

The song started, and with that I lifted Twilight into the air. My center of balance as a pony was very different from my center of balance as a human, so I had to take a moment to get my bearings before I started. It gave me a chance to look around the room. We had the eyes of everyone, and I found myself smiling and nodding along to the tune. When the proper beat came along, I started the dance.

And God, did we dance. She was awkward, not knowing the either the 'steps' or how perfectly to fly, but as soon as I picked up my balance I more than made up for it. The dancing below us stopped, entranced as the dancers were with such a thing they had never seen before: A lovely pair dancing in the air, a mix of dainty butterfly wings and strong angelic wings, a duo dancing to a tune that had long gone unheard by many of the dancers in the hall. It was a sorrowful dirge we danced to, and it was beautiful.

When at last the mournful sounds ended and the last notes echoed off the great hall, I posed a question to Twilight, smiling before me: "Tell me, my dear, have you ever before danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" With that last little idea in her head, I nodded to the band and Z disappeared into the storybooks of Equestria.

I turned the lock of the sitting room and waited for Celestia to meet me. I doffed what little of the silly costume I had left, and settled in for a long wait; after that little show I pulled, I expected a long wait.

I got it, too. It took several hours for the door of the sitting room I was in to be unlocked and pulled open by Celestia. I mockingly bowed.

"You are cruel. I should make you go out there like that and fix this," she answered me. I merely waited. "But I suppose I deserved having to deal with that. I can already tell that legends will be made about the great Z: lover, rogue, stealer of hearts and mysterious stranger. You definitely gave me the show I was hoping for, and for that you will probably never, ever be attending any of my parties in the future."

"I hope we did not hurt Twilight too badly."

"We?" I gave her a look. "Yes… I suppose I am at least partially at fault for this. Yes, we hurt her, but no, we didn't hurt her badly. One look at that cutie mark I gave you is enough to tell anypony that you can never settle, and Twilight Sparkle was always a smart one. Everypony else was very, very confused, though. Including me. You had her, Navarone. Why let her go so soon?"

"Because though I find myself attracted to some pony's personalities, I cannot find myself attracted to any pony's body. I gave her the perfect night, lacking only the wonderful ending many would expect."

"And that's the only reason?"

"If I had finished this night with her, she would have been considerably more hurt to find me gone. I could never… No gentleman could use a lady so, and I would not have my perfect reputation as Z so tarnished."

"You are not allowed to partake in any politics here unless you are scheming with me."

"I would never scheme a rebellion unless the rebellion deserved to win."

"Then I cannot wait to have you locked in the palace, under my eye, in six and a half years."

"You, maybe, but I meant what I said to you, while we were dancing: I am ever a traveler. Locking me in a cage would kill me."

"Your cage of love is something you will have to discuss with Luna. Which does remind me of something… Your last words to Twilight, what were they?"

I waved, and said, "Let them be forgotten. It adds to the mystery, to have the last words of an errant lover for only the ears of the beloved."

"Are all humans so good at lying, or is that just your special talent?"

"I get a lot of practice. Now, would you kindly turn me back into a bloody human? I would very much like to get to a bed." She smiled and did so. I quickly dressed myself again.

"It's good to have fingers again," I whispered, stretching them. Louder, I said, "Is Luna gone?"

"Yes, she left shortly after you stole Twilight away."

"Are we bad people, for doing that to her?" I don't know if I meant Twilight or Luna, in that remark.

"I don't know." I don't think she knew who we meant either.

"Also, where did you get the idea for the cutie mark you gave me?"

"It's the one you would have had, if you had stayed a pony. The letter would have been different, however. Which does raise a question, but I trust you have your reasons."

"That name means nothing anymore. I thought the magic to give someone a cutie mark didn't exist."

"It doesn't exist for Twilight. And I couldn't have made it stay; it was temporary, but that is what it would have been."
What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets…

"I better go and collect the poor lass, then. We have a long way to travel come the morrow." She nodded, and I left her to her thoughts, ill or kind.

I found Twilight in the small alcove where she had summoned her wings. She was holding my cape like a talisman, as through it was the only thing real in a crumbling world of lies. I was starting to think I had made more of an impression than I thought when she looked up and saw me.

"Where have you been all night? I told you to stay by my side!"

I gazed at her wings and raised an eyebrow, but didn't mention them yet. "I was called away by Princess Celestia; apparently I was disturbing some of her guests, and she politely requested I wait in an ill used sitting room. I was just now allowed out."

"You know, I had to distract Princess Luna because of you! She's the one that requested your presence, and you weren't even here to see her!"

"Blame Celestia, not me. Or rather, blame her guests for such sensibilities. It looks like you didn't miss me much, personally."

"Yes, I had… quite a night. Tell me, have you seen a white pegasus wearing a hat and a mask anywhere? His cutie mark was that of a 'Z' surrounded by question marks."

"I saw someone that might have been him out of the window of my little cell; it was hard to tell, but I think it was if nothing else a white male pony of some kind. Not too many of them around, I've noticed."

"So it wasn't a dream…" she whispered.

"What?"

"…Nothing. Let's… let's go back to my home." She dropped the cape and picked up her dress.

"You leaving that here?"

"Dreams have no place in life." I smiled at that.

We flew back to her place in Canterlot and slept like the dead. The next day we flew back home to Ponyville, where gossip had already completely overblown the story of Twilight's saga.

She answered a few questions, left some unanswered, and all of her friends expressed desires to go to the next Gala, to see if the mysterious Z would return for his lost love. I'm glad no one asked me about it; I don't know if I could have answered with a straight face. It was at that point when I honestly started to think that I might be a bit of a sociopath.

Oh, and if you're reading this journal, Twilight… Well, I'm glad I'm dead. Try not to completely kill Celestia; she's probably still useful. And if for some reason I'm still alive, at least give me a chance to explain it in a way that will change your mind about brutally murdering me.

Chapter Twelve—Pinkie's parties, what happens when you break your word, and more bigotry

Oh, and I feel like throwing this anecdote in, while I'm still here: A year after I was summoned, Pinkie Pie tried holding a party for me, calling it my birthday. She started discussing it with me when I bumped into her at the market place. Applejack was with her. When I told her my birthday was actually in March, she gave me the oddest look I've ever seen from her.

"What do you mean, it's in March?" she asked.

I shrugged. "It's in March. What more do you want?"

"…Why didn't you say anything before? I would have thrown you a great party!"

"Have I ever been the sort to like parties?"

"You seemed to enjoy yourself at the Gala." I raised an eyebrow at that, wondering what she meant, but her look didn't change.

"I was locked in a sitting room the entire time. Well, almost the entire time."

"If you say so… Well, this March I'll throw you a super extra fantastical party to make up for last year's! Wait… when in March?"

"If I tell you, will you promise not to give me a party?"

"Psh, no! Don't be silly, Nav. Everypony loves parties!"

"I'm not a pony, remember?"

"Well, everything else I've held a party for likes them!"

"Maybe I'm the exception."

"You know… I could hold you a party every day in March! That way I'll be sure to get it on the right day!"

"You wouldn't. It would be too much money."

"It's worth it, for a friend!"

"How about your birthday present for me be to not give me a party?"

"But you love my parties! Why would I want to not give you something that you love?"

My head was starting to hurt. "I don't like your parties." That was exactly the wrong thing to say.

Her eyes welled up with tears. "You… you don't like my parties?" she asked in the saddest voice I think I've ever heard.

Before I could answer, she started to cry. Now, it's rare that I see Pinkie Pie cry, but when she does in a situation like this—when her feelings weren't actually hurt but she wanted to pretend like it—the tears fly from her face in a stream, like something out of a damn anime. Confuses the hell out of me, and makes me really wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

I turned to Applejack. "Is there any way out of this that doesn't involve me telling her when my birthday is?"

"Nope. Or at least, I sure can't see any."

I was getting more than a few mean looks from the ponies in the market. I sighed.

There was a party scheduled for me on my birthday. Pinkie Pie is an unstoppable party monster.

A few days later, after more than a full year had passed from when I was first brought here, one of my terrible fears was realized: Someone was reading these journals.

Thankfully, Spike was very indiscrete about it. And doubly thankfully, he was still bloody young, and didn't catch half of the meanings of things I wrote.

I was sitting in the main room of Twilight's library, writing, when he approached me. Not writing a journal entry, mind, but something for Twilight. I write entries in my room, where no one will read over my shoulder. Or, when it's a nice day, I sometimes go sit on a cloud to do it; one benefit of wings is that I'm able to rest in interesting places.

But I digress. Spike approached me, and I knew something was wrong by his manner. Instead of his usual boisterous confidence, he came at me somewhat awkwardly, as though not knowing what he should say. It was his first blackmail attempt, I believe, and that made him nervous. "I've been doing some reading…" he started.

I set my pen down and looked at him. "Find any interesting tales of love or war?"

"Maybe you've heard the title of it… The Diaries of a Madman."

I stared at him for what had to have been half a minute. "Let's go for a walk."

"Uh… I don—"

"I wasn't giving you an option." I stood up and grabbed my coat from the rack. I thought for a second and grabbed the crossbow and a quiver, as well; I wasn't going to actually use them on him, but I liked having the option.

I could tell from his body language that Spike knew he had made a mistake. I didn't say a word as I led him through town. He gazed up at my face from time to time, but my stony gaze didn't shift an inch from staring straight ahead. I needed to know how much he knew, and the best way to get him to tell me was to scare him so badly that he didn't want to try anything like this ever again.

My mind was racing a mile a minute; there was a lot of dangerous information in there. The Luna situation, my masquerade as Z, what I knew about Rainbow Dash, suspicions, opinions, and lies. I could tell this was going to be a fun conversation.

I stopped suddenly, causing him to bump into me. We were right on the edge of a large clearing. I could see a nice target clear across the field, about fifty yards away.

"Nav, I—" I held up a hand to forestall him, then slowly loaded the crossbow with a dulled bolt. I drew a bead on the target, made sure I would not miss, and fired. The pumpkin I was shooting at made an audible thunk as it popped. I turned back to Spike and looked at him. He was visibly frightened, and probably would have been sweating if he was able to through his scales. "Nav—" I interrupted him again.

"There is one thing I asked of you and Twilight both when I started writing. Do you remember what that was?"

He gulped and answered, "Never read your journals… But—"

"Do you know why I didn't want them read? Or maybe you found out while you were desecrating my privacy. Tell me, what did you think was so important that you would willingly violate my trust to find?"

He was close to tears, now. I knew he would never do it again, and decided to stop scaring him so badly.

He mumbled something so quietly I didn't even understand him. "What was that?"

"I know about Z…" he said, barely loud enough to be understood.

"How much did you read?"

"Everything starting at the Gala." Thank God. He can't be positive about Luna, though he probably suspects…

"Why?"

"Twilight seemed so taken by Z, that I wanted to learn anything at all I could about him! I know she said you only saw him in passing, but I wanted to learn everything I could! Anything to help me make Rarity like me…"

"Tell me what you learned from that entry."

He snorted. "You obviously don't think too highly of most ponies. And Rarity would be pleased to know your reaction to Blueblood. And you have some agreement with Celestia, but you didn't say about what… You are definitely a liar, and a very good one. And you know how to make mares fall in love."

"Anything else?" Maybe he doesn't know about Luna…

"You… you were trying to avoid Luna, for some reason. And there was something about an exile…"

"How much of this have you told anyone else?"

"None, I swear!" I gave him a very hard look. "I promise!" I looked at him a bit longer before stiffly nodding.

"Don't. Don't ever mention any of it to anyone. Ask me your questions. I will answer them if you need to know."

"Before, when I asked you about Rarity, why didn't you tell me anything about what you knew about mares?"

"Because absolutely none of it would work for you now that you know Rarity, and now that she knows you. And because none of that is good for love, only for passion. Passion is easy, love is hard. Twilight remembers Z fondly because she was with him for a night, and saw only the good in him. And since she didn't know him beforehand, he had no bad traits, only those that he chose to show her when they met. That is why it is too late to use any of my tricks as Z on Rarity."

"How do you know? I might get lucky!"

I smiled at his choice of words. "Because most of the allure of Z was mystery and intrigue. He was handsome, dashing, roguish, and well-traveled. He had seen much and knew more. He was confident but not arrogant, brave but not foolish, daring but not overly so. He was what all young mares want to meet and fall in love with, even if they don't admit it to themselves. And trust me, lad, you may be clever, but not nearly wise enough to do what I did with Z."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're young, and you probably didn't understand half of what I was even saying to Twilight, or the reasoning behind my saying it."

"What did you mean when you said that you created passion but not love? Doesn't one include the other?"

"Sort of. Love is usually passionate, but you can have passion without love. Passion can develop into love, if nurtured. The lies I told built up passion, but they couldn't have held up to make love. There is more than one reason I bailed when I did, that night. One reason is that fleeing when I did created the best performance and the most drama. Another reason is that at that point, Twilight was quite simply mine. But all the lies would start to fade away. I had her, but I had no way of keeping her; all that held her was lies."

"You are dangerous, Navarone."

"Yeah. But sometimes I wonder how smart I am."

"Also, what was that bit with Luna? Why were you avoiding her?"

"That's not something you need to know and it's not something you need to poke your nose into. And don't ask about the exile, either. Or any agreements with Celestia."

"You don't trust me?"

"You read my journal." He couldn't refute that.

So that was one crisis I had feared solved. After that I started hiding my journals better. Which is a hint, to anyone else that might be reading these: I will scare the shit out of you, but if you have a good reason I might not kill you. Might. After all, I am still in the mood for some meat.

A few weeks after that, an odd thing happened. Twilight, Spike, and I were all chilling in the library. Twilight was taking notes or something. Spike was dusting. I was cleaning my fingernails with a knife, about to head out to do… something.

There was a knock at the door. "Spike, can you get that?" Twilight asked, not even looking up.

"Uh…" he looked down to what he was doing and then up to me. "Nav, can you get that?"

I set my knife on the table and got up and went to the door. I casually opened it and beheld a white unicorn wearing a cape. "Can I he—" I started.

He used magic to slap me with a thin rubber glove. "THE GREAT WHITE UNICORN PELT IS HERE TO SLAY YOU, BEAST!" I didn't even have time to wonder why a pony had a glove.

I looked at him. He glared at me.

I slowly reached down into my pocket and pulled out a glove. A very, very heavy weighted glove. I casually whacked him across the face with it as hard as I could. "I accept your challenge."

He spit out a tooth and some blood and fixed me with an even greater glare of pure hatred. "So…" I said. "You going to start slaying me yet?"

"TOWN SQUARE. FIFTEEN MINUTES. BE THERE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONSTER YOU ARE!"
Jesus, turn off the caps lock.

Without another word, he turned around and stalked away. I heard him shouting around to bring up a crowd.

"What was that about?" Twilight asked, still not looking up. I closed the door.

"Oh, some unicorn just came here and told me he was going to kill me in fifteen minutes. I'll go get my crossbow. Be back soon."

"Have fun, N—WHAT!" She finally turned to face me and used magic to pull me closer to her. "What did you say?"

"Some pompous fuck just came by and told me he was going to slay me like a beast or something. He said to meet him in town square, though really it's more of a circle. I suppose I should correct him before I kill him."

She dropped me. I went upstairs to get my crossbow and some bolts. I heard her yelling to Spike. When I came down he was writing furiously. "I'll be back in a few minutes," I told her, heading to the door.

"You can't just go and fight him, Nav!" Twilight said, terribly distraught.

"Silly Twilight," I said, ruffling her mane. "I'm not going to fight him." She looked relieved. "I'm just going to kill him." Her relief vanished.

"But you can't—"

"It's done, Twilight!" Spike interrupted, waving a letter. With a flourish he sent it away.

I sighed. "You aren't going to let me go out there, are you?"

"Not until Princess Celestia gets here to clean this mess up, no!"

I shouldered my crossbow. "How long should she take? I really should be leaving now if I want to make his timeframe."

With an explosion of magic, Celestia appeared right next to me. Twilight and Spike immediately went to their knees. "What's this I hear about a unicorn trying to hurt Navarone?" she asked.

"Some dude just came by, slapped me with a glove, and told me he was going to kill me in a few minutes in town square," I answered. "I guess you want to watch me kill him?"

She frowned. "Navarone, stop it." I sighed and put my crossbow down on a table. "That's better. Now let's go find out what this stallion wants." She led the way out of the library. When she opened the door we saw Rarity and Rainbow Dash right outside, about to knock. When they saw her they bowed.

"We were just about to come and tell Twilight there was a stallion raving in town circle," Rarity said. "He's ranting about killing the beast that lives in the tree."

"Thank you both, but I have already been made aware of this," Celestia said. "Come along, all of you." She led us toward the center of town.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO FEAR ANY LONGER, CITIZENS!" we heard him shouting. "I WILL RID YOU OF THIS MONSTER!"

It didn't take long for him to notice the growing crowd of bowing ponies. "HE HAS YOU ALL SO AFRAID THAT YOU—" He saw Celestia and his eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Princess! You came yourself to see me defeat this monster?" Then he saw me walking behind her. If I thought his eyes were bulging before… "LOOK OUT!" He tried to rush to her 'aid,' but she forced him to stop with magic.

She picked him up and pushed him to the center of town, in the middle of the large crowd that had now formed. I followed. She slowly set him back on the ground and in a voice that wasn't a yell and yet had no problem carrying, she said, "What is this I hear about a monster loose in Ponyville?"

She released him from her spell. He pointed right at me. "I am here to slay this monster and free Ponyville of its subjugations!"

She looked at me and then behind me and frowned. "I don't see any monsters near or behind my good friend Navarone," she said.

His mouth dropped. "G-g-good f-f-f-f-friend?" he practically whimpered.

She smiled. I crossed my arms and ruffled my wings.

"Yes, my good friend Navarone," she answered, pushing me forward with one of her wings. "I'm sure if you ever need any help in your monster slaying travels, he can assist you; he is very good at dispatching unicorns that grow in power and arrogance and try to take over the minds of other ponies." Burn!

I heard some murmuring in the crowd. And if this fellow's face dropped any further he was going to have to sew it back on.

I suddenly started to hear a whistling noise to my left. I ignored it, trying to focus on what Celestia was going to hit this dude with next. The noise got louder and louder until everyone but the monster hunter was looking at it.

It was Fluttershy.

And holy shit was she pissed.

She slammed into the unicorn. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT NAVARONE!" Holy fuck! I rushed forward to grab her before she actually hurt the guy.

I had to actually rip her off of him. "Fluttershy, it's okay!" I tried saying. "Celestia's here, he's not going to do a thing." That got her attention long enough for me to get her off. I grabbed her, gently stroking her mane to try to soothe her. She was glaring at the guy on the ground, huddling in terror. I pulled her away from him and she followed me, not letting her eyes off of him. I think he was crying. I whispered into her ear, "That was awesome." She blinked, realizing where she was.

She started hyperventilating, trying to hold onto me. I led her away from the area, the crowd parting before us. A lot of the ponies were smiling, either at me for helping her or at her for kicking that guy's ass. I led her to Twilight's library, since that was the closest place that was absolutely cool for me to be in; I was welcome in most public places, but I still got plenty of stares and a few snubs.

Maybe after this that would change.

I sat her down on the couch that seems to appear and disappear at need. I'm not joking about that—it is not there when I don't need it and it is there when I want to sit down on something that isn't a chair. No, I don't know how that works.

"So like I said, that was pretty fucking awesome," I said when I had her down and relatively calmed down. She blushed. "Mind, I don't know if Celestia will agree, but I have never had a friend stick her neck out like that for me." I held my fist out. She flinched automatically. I sighed and grabbed one of her hooves with my other hand and gently hit my fist with it. "Good enough," I said. "Now, what the hell came over you?"

She blushed again, even deeper this time. "I… I was in the market, and I heard somepony saying a unicorn was here to kill you. I just sort of… lost my temper. I don't know what happened!" I think she was almost about to either cry or start hyperventilating again.

"Fluttershy, it's okay," I said. "It is perfectly normal to be upset when you hear something like that. If anyone was trying to hurt any of you, you can bet money I'd be hauling ass to get to you to help. That is what friends do for each other." I paused for a moment. "That said, though, I would probably get more details before tackling the fucker," I added with a smile. "Especially with Celestia standing right there."

Her eyes went wide. "P-p-princess C-c-c-c-celestia! I thought you were saying that to make me calm down!" She started hyperventilating again.

I rolled my eyes. I pulled her into a hug. Her wings flared, but after a moment she returned it. Her breathing slowly started to return to normal. When I heard the door open I finally let her go. Princess Celestia was there, watching us.

"Princess," I said, nodding.

"Navarone," she answered, stepping in. "This incident will not repeat itself. I—" her eyes flicked to Fluttershy—"We have ensured that." She sighed. "I honestly expected the ponies here to accept you more readily, Navarone. If Luna and I can do so, why can't they?" She shook her head sadly.

"Because they don't give me a chance, Princess," I answered and shrugged. "I don't really blame them. If something as strange as me came to our world and was left to roam free, stuff like this would happen to it too." Well, actually it would all be much worse, but meh.

She didn't have a response to that. She turned to Fluttershy, who bowed her head in what I was assuming was shame. "Fluttershy, have you learned anything from this?"

Fluttershy mumbled something. I put a hand on one of her hooves. She gave me a hasty smile and looked up at the princess. "I learned that you should never act without thinking or learning the full situation, even if you think somepony might be in danger. You might just hurt somepony that doesn't really deserve it." Not a very good Aesop, in my mind, but whatever.

Celestia turned her gaze to me. "And what did you learn, Navarone?"

I shrugged. "Ponies are kickass friends."

She blinked. "Try again."

"Uh. If some dick comes to challenge me to a duel, tell the princess on him?"

She shook her head. "One more time."

I scratched my head. "Look, Princess, I'm not good at the Aesops. Given the choice, I would have just taken my crossbow down there and deep sixed that sumbitch. It would have dealt with this asshole, though it probably would have made the rest of the ponies in town pretty terrified. But to be quite honest, I don't really give a damn anymore." I shrugged. "If they don't want to accept me, fuck 'em. With these wings growing out of my back, I'm here in this bloody world to stay."

"I'm going to pretend you stopped three sentences sooner," she answered. "Now give it a proper ending."

I blinked, trying to remember what I had said. Dammit, where's Pinkie Pie when I need her? She could just reach through the fourth wall, grab what I was going to write in my journals, and tell me. "…And that would be bad?" I said awkwardly.

Celestia smiled. "Close enough. Now unfortunately, I must return to the palace. It was as always a pleasure to speak with you, Navarone, and to see you, Fluttershy." Before we could respond, she disappeared with a loud thunderclap.

"Well whatayaknow," I said. "She finally asked me for one of those friendship lesson things she always makes you write her."

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly. "I don't think she liked yours very much, Nav."

I shrugged. "That's just because I'm a human living in a pony's world. The Establishment's trying to keep me down." She didn't get it. I waved it away.

Twilight and Spike came in then, so Fluttershy was avoided the awkwardness of my strange human jokes. "Can you believe that guy?" Twilight asked. "Coming here like that!" She sniffed. "He's lucky the princess let him go like she did."

"Well," I said, "I knocked a tooth out and Fluttershy here kicked his ass. I suppose that was enough."

"You knocked out one of his teeth?" Spike asked with wonder in his voice. "You didn't even touch him!"

I went over to the door and opened it. I reached down and picked up the tooth the guy spat out and held it up. "When he slapped me with his little rubber glove to challenge me, I responded with a glove of my own," I said, pulling my glove out and throwing it to Spike.

His eyes opened wide at the weight. "You hit him in the face with this?"

Twilight stared at them in confusion until it finally clicked. "Those are your weighted gloves!" Fluttershy was confused. I set the tooth down on the table and gave her the other glove.

"These things have metal weights in them, Fluttershy. They are a lot heavier than a normal glove. Hit someone with one of these and they'll be feeling it for a while." Her eyes widened in shock and she looked at the glove with disgust. I took it back from her and slipped it into my pocket again. "Yep, nasty inventions," I said. "Wonderfully useful." Spike threw the other one back and I slipped it in the other pocket. "You need any help shopping?" I asked her.

She quickly shook her head, but then thought for a moment. "Maybe you can help me solve a problem, Nav."

"I can certainly try," I said. She led me out of the building, leaving Twilight to her boring work and Spike to cleaning.

"It's… Angel," she said. "He doesn't like eating regular food, you see…"

"Fluttershy, I don't know a damn thing about animals. But I'll see what I can do, I suppose. What happens when you try to give stuff like that to him?"

She described the situation. "Uh huh," I answered. I didn't say anything else. The rest of the walk to her little shack was in silence.

She went in first and said she was back and whatnot. An assload of little critters were inside, playing. I saw Angel staring at her impatiently. When he saw me his gaze froze a bit, but went back to impatient quickly enough.

I walked up to him. He stared up at me fearlessly.

Until he saw my face.

"Let's go for a little walk," I said. He shook his head and tried to bound away. I snatched him by his bunny ears. "I'm glad you agree. We'll be right back, Fluttershy," I said. She nodded, looking down at one of her other little friends. She didn't see Angel frantically trying to get her attention.

When we were outside and a few minutes away from the house I sat down next to a tree. I held Angel up to my eyes. "So I heard you like specially cooked meals," I said. He just looked at me. "So do I. You know, I used to be a bit of a cook back home. Do you know what I specialized in?" He didn't. "Rabbit soup." He eyes went as wide as a bunny's could. "Rabbits worked fine, but bunnies were better. Younger and more tender, you know?" I smiled easily and poked him in the belly. He gulped.

I pulled the knife out of my pocket and opened it with a loud click. He looked at it, fear evident in his eyes. I set the knife down on my knee.

"Do you know what I do to people that hit my friends, Angel?" His eyes returned to mine. "I hurt them." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Now don't get me wrong, Angel: I don't like hurting others. In fact, I detest it. So do you know what you are going to do for me?" One of his eyes popped open. "You are going to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone. No one is going to be hitting my good friend Fluttershy on your watch, right?" He frantically shook his head. "Good. I would hate to have to break my new vegetarian diet to make some nice bunny stew."

I picked my knife up and closed it and slid it into a pocket. "Now how about I set you down so you can go eat what Fluttershy has for you?" He nodded his head like a bloody jackhammer. I put him down and let him go. He sprinted right to Fluttershy's house. I followed at a more sedate pace.

When I got inside, I found he was eating some manner of green pellet or something Fluttershy had laid out for him. "And you said you didn't know about animals!" she said to me, smiling.

"Angel and I, we reached an understanding of sorts," I said. He looked over to me and I patted my pocket. His ears slumped and he shoved a pellet in his mouth. I smiled, nodding.

"Well, whatever you did, thank you!"

"Anything for a friend, Fluttershy. If you need any more help, just ask." She happily nodded and I stepped back into the nice day.

Chapter Thirteen—I didn't go to school for this, wherein I learn skills I never wanted to know about

Half a month after that little episode, I woke up on a train. The thing is, I didn't go to bed on that train. In fact, I had no knowledge of boarding a train. I had no knowledge of being asked if I wanted to go on a train ride. A quick look out the window told me I was most definitely no longer anywhere near Ponyville. I was still a human, at least, which I consider a plus. I also had a splitting headache, which kind of sucked.

I quickly looked around me to see if there was anything of use. I found a metal flask, which I quickly took a sip out of, thinking it was water.

It was not. It was some manner of alcohol. At least it made my head feel a little better. I pocketed it and tried to remember what had happened the night before.

The last thing I remembered was eating dinner with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, after one of our dancing lesson things which were now more about a few friends getting together than actual dancing. I remembered getting up to go, and Pinkie Pie trying to convince us to stay a few more minutes for some contrived reason or another… I know I got outside, and after that it was all a blank.

As my eyes adjusted better to the dim light of the cabin, I ascertained another shape in a bed across from mine. I rolled out of the bed and almost fell on my ass, but managed to slip my feet under me at the last moment. Twisted my wings up, though… I forget about them still, some mornings.

After getting my feet and stretching, I checked the shape. Yeah, it was Fluttershy. I poked her to see if she was anywhere near awake. She groaned and shifted, muttering something that sounded like "Five more minutes." I poked her a few more times, until she sat up, bleary eyed and confused.

"Lass, what the hell happened last night?"

"I… I don't know. The last thing I remember was eating with Pinkie Pie!"

"Dammit, I hope I didn't get kidnapped again… This shit has got to stop happening!"

"I'm sure it's not as serious as kidnapping! Wait, what do you mean again? Has this happened to you before?"

"Long story. I can tell you after we figure out where we are and where we're going. You good to walk?" Yeah, Fluttershy is never going to hear that story.

"I think I'm fine. My head hurts, though…" She tenderly got to her feet.

We appeared to be in the middle cabin of a long train. I looked through the windows on both sides and saw more carts on each side. "Should we split up and search, stay together and search, or wait here and hope for the best?" I asked.

"I… I think we should stay together. You know how most ponies are when it comes to you, after all…" More like she didn't want to be alone, but whatever. I know Fluttershy wasn't particularly brave, and I didn't hold that against her. She had a point, if nothing else.

"Fine, we'll wait here. Wish I had some kind of weapon, though…" I flexed my hands a bit, letting my eyes run over the cabin again. It wasn't a very ornamented place, with relatively simple paneling and whatnot. I was thinking we were supposed to be sleeping the entire trip, but whatever caused the knockout didn't work as planned. I found a few interesting items in a box above my bed: My crossbow, a quiver full of bolts, my knife, more alcohol, another long brown cloak full of pockets, and some snacks.

I checked the little inlet above cabinet above Fluttershy's bed and found yet another cloak and some more snacks. I just shrugged to Fluttershy and left the stuff on her bed for her.

As for me, I started suiting up, hiding stuff in the cloak pockets. I checked the crossbow for any damage, and found that the sites were a little bit off. I couldn't correct them until I was able to shoot it, but it was good that I knew they were off. The bolts were fine, though the quiver I had wasn't the one I would choose for any real dangerous situation: They were all practice bolts; enough to wound, but not kill unless you got a lucky shot.

Fluttershy was asking what I was doing when the cart door slid open. Before it was even finished opening I was looking for cover to load the crossbow. My search was halted by the train juddering heavily and slowing down, and before I could resume my hunt it was invalidated: "Oh good, you're both already awake!" Pinkie Pie said way too loudly and way too happily. Fluttershy and I both flinched at the twinges in our heads.

"I assume there's a good reason we're on a bloody train," I said. She opened her mouth, but I continued, "And before you start yelling at us again, we both have goddamn headaches. Keep your bloody voice down."

She rolled her eyes and continued, quieter this time, "I needed some help back on the family farm. But I didn't want to unduly worry anypony, so I didn't tell anypony. But I couldn't just let my family suffer, so I had to get some help, but I didn't know how without saying anything. Then I realized, you're both my friends, and you wouldn't mind helping me! Though, to be quite honest, I think this is more a problem Navarone is suited to fixing…"

"So why am I here?" Fluttershy asked.

"I didn't know how to make a legitimate excuse to the others without including both of you. We are officially on a dance trip. Applejack was the only one that didn't completely buy it, and she made sure you would have something to help you just in case, Navarone."

"So let me get this straight. You kidnapped us both, even though you knew we would say yes to helping you. You bundled us onto a train somehow. You got all my gear and a few cloaks, as well as some useful stuff from Applejack that I admit to being happy to have. None of our friends thought that was odd, except Applejack. You know we both have wings and can leave if we want, leaving you to deal with whatever it is by yourself. And yet you still expect us to willingly help you."

"That about sums it up, yes. You're really good at recapping, Nav!"

I gently massaged my temples. "Fluttershy, am I the only one seeing anything wrong with this?"

She just shrugged at me and mouthed, "Pinkie Pie." I rolled my eyes.

"What the fuck ever. Tell us what's so important that you had to kidnap us to help you with."

"I think my family was abducted by naga."

"Oh, fuuuck…" I moaned. "Why did I bother waking up?"

"I don't understand," Fluttershy said. "What's a naga?"

"Of anyone, I expected you to know what a bloody naga is, lass," I said. "They're fucking snake/fish people. Intelligent, tool using snake people. Body and lungs of a snake, scales and gills of a fish. And they have human arms, I think. I didn't know there were any here. And what the hell are they doing near a waterless rock farm?"

"There used to be a massive spring system near my family's farm. It dried up before I was born, but the naga stayed there for some reason. We never asked why; they left us alone and we left them alone. Sometimes they would come by the farm to talk to my dad, but they never stayed long. Recently, though, I've been getting letters from my family reporting increased sightings of them, and many of the naga were more agitated than usual. Things seemed to be getting worse, and then the letters just stopped. That was a month ago…"

"So, how do you want to do this? Find their nest, fuck shit up, and pull off a full Rambo style rescue op? Or do you want to try to talk to these scalies first, see if they're up for ransom? Or do you just want me to sneak in and steal them away into the night? Let me tell you, if you want me to kill them, you got me the wrong set of bolts." As it turned out, the Rambo plan would have been a terrible idea.

"I want to get my family out with as little risk to them as possible. We'll try asking the naga, first. If that doesn't work, you can try sneaking them out. Thank you so much for agreeing to help!"

Oh yeah, it was looking to be a long, long day.

"Why am I being the ambassador, again?" Fluttershy asked. "I know nothing about the naga!"

"Because you're the animal expert. I'm sure you'll figure something out," I told her. "Besides, it can't be me because I'm the trump card and it can't be Pinkie Pie because she has to show me where to go to rescue you if everything goes wrong." I don't think that made her feel much better.

We were in the field right outside of Pinkie Pie's farmhouse. We discovered her family was definitely missing, and had been for a few weeks. There were no bodies anywhere that I could find, so that wasn't really an issue. I managed to site my crossbow in, though I knew if I was going to be looking through caves I wouldn't be using it. Hell, even the knife was to be relegated to emergency use only; if it came to that I was going to be using a club.

Looking around the farmhouse, I could easily see why Pinkie Pie left that place. It was absolutely miserable; there was almost no sun, the earth was dry and cracking, there was constantly dust in the air, and it was hot even though we were nearing autumn. It looked like someone had plowed the earth in some places, but without a tractor that would have taken forever, as dry as this place is. Who the hell farms rocks? I mean, who buys them? When I asked, I just got that 'stop being stupid' look.

"So, how do we go about summoning these naga for a meeting?" I asked. "Do we just hope they come to us?"

"My dad taught me a trick, back when they were still friendly, in case I was ever far away from the farm and needed help. He said not to use it unless I really needed it, but that they would come if I wanted them. I never tried it, but here goes…" With that, she let out a clear, loud whistle that pierced my ears, and almost made me want to slit my own throat. After delivering it, she rushed me into the farmhouse, where we watched from the windows to see what they would do with a noticeably nervous Fluttershy.

Nothing happened for a good long while, and I started to think nothing would. Then an errant thought came to my mind… They were hiding in a spring system. Those go miles underground, in all directions. Oh, shit… "Pinkie Pie, is there a well anywhere near here?"

"Yes, there's one right behind this building. Why… Oh!"

We barely had time to hide before the naga got out of the well and into the building, trying to find what called them. They were oddly dressed in silky clothing, and each was bristling with some manner of weapon. One had two axes strapped to his back, one was holding a massive spear, one had a sword and a shield, one had a huge sword on his back, and one had spiked gloves.

I want to call them the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life, but I'm sure they would think something similar of me if they saw me. They were all rather massive, each taller than I by at least a foot, and all wider in body than I. Trying to fight them would have been a bad, bad idea, at least in a one-on-one fight. They had relatively human-esque faces, with a barely defined snout jutting somewhat out of their faces. Their torso was human in appearance, with human-shaped arms. Where their legs would be, a long tail snaked out behind them. What I could see of them was covered in scales. I was assuming the entire group in front of me was male. One of them was snarling, and I could see some disturbingly sharp teeth sticking out. Snakes don't even have teeth, what the hell?

It didn't take them long to look out a window and see Fluttershy. Thankfully, they somehow missed both me and Pinkie Pie. They chatted to themselves in guttural English, muttering at the indignity of being summoned in such a manner, by a lone flier. They thought about just leaving her, but decided since they had come all that way to see what she wanted.

When Fluttershy turned around and saw a group of naga coming out of the farmhouse, her eyes got very wide and she almost fainted. Of anything she expected, that was definitely not on the list.

I wasn't able to hear the conversation that took place, but this was the gist, as reported to us: Where are the farmers? With us, for their safety. Safety from what? We can't tell you. Can we see them? Who is this… we?

Fluttershy is not a good liar. In fact, I would go so far as to label her perhaps the worst liar I have ever run into in my life. So it was no surprise to find myself and Pinkie Pie rather roughly nagahandled out of the farmhouse.

They didn't know what to make of me. "What is this?" they asked of Pinkie Pie, who they did recognize.

"Name's Navarone," I answered for her. "I'm a mercenary."

"What pony would hire a mercenary? And… what are you?"

"I'm a human. And a pony that wants to see her family again."

"You don't look very dangerous, for a mercenary. I hope she didn't pay much for you."

There were five of them and one of me. I didn't feel like being a hero. So instead of challenging him, I just said "Looks can be deceiving."

"Tell me then, mercenary, are your services for hire?"

"I'm in the middle of a job now. It's bad for business to take on a job before the other is completed."

"A good code to live by. What if the payment of our job was what you needed to finish the other?"

"You'll have to ask my employer about that. Depending on the job, I might agree, but it's up to her whether I have the option." I looked to Pinkie Pie.

"That's a fair way of completing my… task, Navarone."

"What's the job?" I asked them.

As it turned out, there were two groups of naga in the area: The older group that had been here for a long time and a new group that was trying to push the old out. The new group was rather violent in their methods, and the older group didn't want Pinkie Pie's family hurt. Their differences were vast, yada yada, go with this group of warriors and fuck their shit up.

We were allowed to see Pinkie Pie's family before the group left, to prove they were still there and being treated well. Personally, I didn't care, and was busy preparing for the coming battle. So while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were getting accolades from an exuberant farm family, I was getting ready for war.

I also saw my first naga female. They were mostly smaller than the males, but didn't look all that different. They were a lot more curvy, and their tails were a hell of a lot longer. They actually had some manner of breasts, too, which they didn't bother to cover up. They were all still taller than I was, though a few of them matched my body size. I can't be tougher than everything in this world, but it still feels sad that even their women could probably overpower me.

My part in the design was simple on paper, hard in practice. You see, the naga can't exactly sneak around or be stealthy; they don't have feet, and any movement rasps against the ground. And they were pretty shiny anyway; any light hitting off them would reflect from their skin or clothing. It was quite different for me, however. My predisposition for running the fuck away meant I was pretty good at hiding and sneaking around. So my job was to go in ahead of the main group and do as much damage as fast as I could, as well as deep six any officer I saw.

I commandeered a short sword and a better quality knife for the job. The knife I had from home was made for show, not for real use. Especially not for use against scales. The crossbow, I kept. Since the other group was still new to the area, they weren't in a cave system yet—they were still above ground, and the crossbow might be useful taking out sentries. I tied some of my bolts with cloth, to light on fire if I needed to. The naga had plenty of flint to spare, and gave me a striker. I dipped the bolts in the alcohol so they'd burn easier and longer.

Now, I was under no illusions that I was or am a real fighter; I am not. I knew that if I went up against a real fighter I would lose. The short sword was more for show than anything else. I have no practice with a sword, but I do know how to slit throats. I mean, how can you fuck that up? When the real fighting started, I was going to be sneaking around the battlefield and stabbing enemies in the back, then darting away again. And if all else failed, I would drop the cloak and fly away; none of these naga had bows, and I was hoping none of the other side did either. I didn't want to give that advantage away unless I had a good reason, though; none of the naga on my side realized I had wings. They didn't know what a human was, and probably just assumed the bulge under my cloak was normal.

When we got to the camp and I saw what it was, though, I smiled. There was a rough palisade around the thing, and it had two entrances with several guards posted at each. It was newly night at that point—we had left early so there would be enough heat on the ground to hopefully mask my arrival to the naga's snake-like infrared vision.

The only guards that seemed to be alert at all were the guards on the entrances; there was no one paying attention in the camp proper. I snapped my fingers, seeing an easy solution. The soldiers looked at me, alarmed. I smiled and whispered, "When you see an easy way in, to not take it would be a sin!" I dropped my cloak and unfurled my wings. The group behind me muttered to themselves, seeing them. I heard one say a disparaging remark about fliers, but none said anything to my face.

I turned to the leader. "If you hear an alarm, come on in. Otherwise, wait for me to come back." He nodded. I grabbed a flask from my cloak and took off. My goal was an unsharpened part of the palisade wall, one of the structural posts. If I could get up there, I could snipe fire down on the camp.

When I got above the camp itself, I saw that there were maybe thirty tents, and several more naga sleeping outside on the ground. I debated on landing in the sleeping field and slitting throats versus starting the fires. Doing one meant I might not get to do the other, and while fire could spread I could probably take more naga down by quietly cutting throats. I decided to slit throats; my naga wanted these naga gone, and killing them off is a better way to go about that than burning stuff. Besides, in the chaos of the ensuing fight, fire would be easy enough to spread. And burning the tents would bring alarm up before I was ready for it.

So with those thoughts in mind, I silently unsheathed the knife I got from the naga and landed quietly in the large sleeping field.

Now, while I have killed in the past, I have never killed a sentient being. Doing that grim business in the field felt… wrong. Yes, I was helping Pinkie Pie, and yes, I was killing people that supposedly deserved it. But none of them had done anything to me. But I did the job I was 'hired' to do. Grisly, yes. Bloody, yes. And as each one gasped their last breath, mad eyes rolling in their head as I strained to keep their mouth covered, I felt a little bit of myself die.

I had killed maybe fifteen before I wasn't fast enough with the blade and someone managed to scream out a warning. I immediately stabbed him and leapt into the air, flying as high as I could get as fast as I could get. In seconds that place would be a killing ground for anyone that wasn't on their side. I managed to get to my planned spot on the palisade wall and was able to load my crossbow before the guards from the entrance discovered my grim mess and woke up the entire camp.

Bleary eyed soldiers weakly gripped heavy weapons as they hunted the camp for any signs of an intruder or a traitor. None thought to look up, as what enemy did they have that could fly? Women and… and children started to come out of the tents, but by the time I saw them I couldn't have stopped the first fiery bolt that was fired into the mass of tents.

I felt tears on my face as I heard the screams. And it was as I predicted: The flames spread far and fast. They were licking the sides of the walls as my group of naga warriors reached the enclave. The enemies were too busy trying to put out flames, trying to save their families, trying to find lost friends to try to fight.

I managed to hold onto myself long enough to shoot one of the few warriors putting up a fight, just as he was about to drive a spike into one of our warrior's brains. I did what I could from my perch, not daring the fiery air currents under my relatively inexperienced wings. My men didn't stay long anyway; there was little they needed to do, and the fire was making it increasingly dangerous for anyone to stay behind. They pulled out as suddenly as they had entered, leaving a stunned group of survivors behind with nowhere to go and nothing to do but help pick up the pieces or try to escape. I saw parts of the two gates start to collapse, trapping most of the survivors inside. I dived down to where I had left the group, grabbed my cloak, and waited, cleaning myself up as best as I could.

It didn't take long to the boisterous group to return. They were ecstatic in their victory, though they had apparently been hoping for the chance to loot. "But," the leader assured me, "I'd rather return home with all my warriors alive than with half dead and only plunder to show for it."

I smiled weakly at him, and asked him a favor: "Don't tell the ponies my part in this. I might need work with them again, and they don't deal with cold murderers."

He agreed, but said a feast would be held one way or another in honor of the victory. I was really, really looking forward to that, if nothing else. These naga were part snake. Snakes eat meat. I was still craving meat, even after so long. I just hoped they would cook it.

On the way back, I treated wounds as best I could. Most were minor burns, but there were a few cuts I was able to sterilize with alcohol and bind together; I wasn't a medic, but I could tie a knot. I didn't know how to suture scales together, but I figured they had some method for it. I offered the worst of the injured a drink for the pain, but after a whiff of the contents they changed their minds.

"What is that stuff?" one of them asked me.

"Poison," I answered, then took a nice swig of it. They laughed, not sure if they should take me seriously, but suspiciously rubbed at their wounds when they thought I couldn't see.

I was doing anything to keep my mind off the scenes in the camp. My soul was stained red with blood and black with fire.

But the rest of that night was spent in celebration. Their women loved me, when I brought all their men home safe. Their children loved me when they heard of the cutting figure I made to the warriors who had seen me on the palisade, wings outstretched for balance, fire drawing a pulsing orange glow to my features, crossbow to my shoulder, sniping down into the dying camp as I killed indiscriminately—not a description I gave them, of course. Their men were impressed by my solo journey into their camp, and my kill count was exaggerated by every retelling of the tale as it loudly made its way around the caves.

The family of the warrior I had personally saved from getting spiked invited me to be their guest after the feast, and after a hesitant look at the innocent warmth of Pinkie Pie's family, I quietly agreed.

When the ponies asked me what had happened at the camp, I just said, "I did what I was paid to do. You're free to go home. Just… just don't visit the camp. Ever."

One look at my face told them not to question me. When I left for the feast, they stayed behind; they didn't think the naga would have food that would be fitting to their tastes. I told them where I would be afterwards, if they needed me.

The feast was alright. Knowing the ponies weren't there, the naga had no compunctions about giving credit where it was due. I was rather highly acclaimed. Personally, I'm not much a fan of all that, but whatever. And—mercy of all mercies—they actually had cooked meat! I don't know what animal it was from and I didn't care; it tasted like sex in my mouth. Just… without the disturbing mental image that portrays.

In an effort to explain my ravenous devouring, I explained, "I've been living among the ponies for too long. They are all vegetarians, and dislike any killing. Hell, I've only been hired to kill one pony my entire career there, and she managed to escape before I landed the killing blow."

That opened a load of questions, and I was asked about topics ranging from where I came from, what kind of jobs I worked in the past, my future plans, and a few disturbing questions about ponies by some of the creepier males that I don't feel like repeating. I answered them all mostly truthfully, though: I came from another world and had been summoned here to protect a unicorn for a while, and since I was stuck here I was going to return back to pony-held land and try to find more work, and the creepier questions I was able to answer better than I wish I could have. It was mostly truthful.

"You are always welcome here, Navarone, if your plans in Equestria fall through. It has been a long time since we beheld a warrior of your nature!" the leader told me.

"I am not as much of a warrior as I am an assassin," I replied. "In a straight up fight I fear I would be of little use. But I have no compunctions about fighting unfairly and using tricks to win."

"Dirty fighting is an art unto itself," he agreed. "And even assassins have a home on the battlefield," said with a nod to the fellow I saved.

The feast ended with requests of tales of warriors from my homeland. I spun a few from books I had read, Arthurian legends and the like; they wouldn't know about guns and explaining wouldn't be worth the effort. And hell, it's not like I had any stories of my own to tell.

So it was with a full belly and a heavy mind that I walked with the fellow I saved to his abode. I was half-heartedly joking with him about something or another, and my forced laughter and his unfeigned laughter rang through the caves. None of these naga seemed to have any names, I had noticed, or if they did they didn't tell strangers.

None of us waited long to hit the sack. Thankfully I still had my cloak; the naga don't seem to believe in silly things such as mattresses or pillows.

I didn't get to sleep long, though; when I said their women loved me, I didn't realize at the time how much they did.

(Incoming clop. If you don't want to read it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

I wasn't asleep long before I felt a gentle tugging on my legs. I groggily opened my eyes to see if I could tell what was doing it, and sat up.

What I saw was somewhat disquieting: A naga was trying to pull my pants off. I sat up as fast as I could and tried to push myself away on my hands and legs. "What are you doing?" I demanded, barely able to see her bemused look in the dim cave.

"My apologies for being late, guest. But there was a bit of a… debate… as to who would keep you company this night." She smiled, showing very many disturbingly sharp teeth, and finished with, "I won."

Dreading the answer, but knowing it needed to be put out there, I asked, "And what manner of company are you? I'll admit, it's a little bit cold in these caves."

"I'm here to warm you up, of course…" I felt her tail start to wrap itself around my waist. With a bit of a vicious tug, she ripped my pants off, belt and all.

I tried reasoning, "If you're here to keep me warm, removing clothes is hardly productive."

She didn't say anything, and continued wrapping her tail about my body. I didn't realize how long the damn things were until now: My legs were buried under her tail, and there was still plenty of slack.

She used her hold on me to drag me closer to her, and before I could react, pushed me to the floor. I flinched at the expected crushing weight on my wings, but I discovered she used a bit of her tail slack to create a small buffer between me and the floor, allowing me to actually lie on my back.

"I find it somewhat hard to believe that this is common practice for the naga," I said. From what I had seen, their males were very dominant.

"You aren't a naga. And you are rather small, easily toyed with. I figured you wouldn't mind too much, given that you are so used to taking orders from females anyway." I assumed she meant my dealings with Pinkie Pie. She continued, "And this is a good chance to display my more… dominant side."

At this point, I was almost completely immobile. I could twist my head around and barely shift my wings, but my legs were locked and my arms were locked. I really, really hate being bound, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going anywhere until she got what she wanted.

She took my head in her hands and forced my gaze downward. Her tail parted a bit, allowing my shaft to poke through. I wasn't very hard at all, since this situation was more scary to me at the time than anything else. "Now, now, human. We can't do anything with you in that shape, can we?" she mocked. The tip of her tail slithered up to my head and gently teased me.

It didn't take me that long to start getting hard. I'm not exactly sexually active, after all. When I started expanding, her tail started stroking me gently, before she wrapped her tail around it and guided my head to the lips of her pussy.

I didn't notice it at the time, since I was a bit more preoccupied by her gentle ministrations of my shaft, but a little slit had opened in her tail, right under her stomach. It was very moist, practically dripping with anticipation.

"You're really getting off to this," I commented, before she pushed me in and shut me right up. She felt nothing at all like a pony, that's for damn sure. When she hilted me, I felt a deep chill in her, cold enough to get me to struggle to pull myself out.

She saw that struggle and misinterpreted it. "I don't think I'm the only one," she whispered, referring to my comment. "Already trying to buck. But I think you'll find I am in control here." With that, she thankfully started moving her… hips? Whatever it is she had, she started moving it, building a nice rhythm against my entire cock. Since she was so wet there wasn't much friction to build up heat, but the pleasure quickly outweighed the cold. She also noticed the heat difference, and said with a moan, "So warm!"

I never knew scales could be so soft… She pulled my face up and tried to smother me in her boobs. I wasn't going to complain; they felt deceptively nice.

Unfortunately, I was getting close and I knew it; as I said, I'm not exactly sexually active. I pried my head away from her chest and said, "I'm pretty close, naga."

She was not happy to hear that. "Close already?" she hissed, slowing down. "What are you, a virgin?"

"Practically, yes. It has been half a year since I got laid. Ponies are hideous to me, I can't stand the thought of having sex with one."

She snorted with derision, but pulled her body off me, letting my member free from her cold insides. "I can think of other ways you can pleasure me, guest."

I opened my mouth to mention something along the lines of her being sent here to pleasure the guest, not the other way around, but as soon as my mouth opened I found myself mouth-to-slit on her. I knew what she wanted, but I know I didn't want to give it.

"You have a choice here, human," she said, noticing my reluctance. "You can either give me what I want, or I leave and you can give the other twenty single females up here what they want."

Why can't I just find a normal—relatively normal, given where I live—girl that just wants normal sex? Not rape, not tying me up, not using magic to force me into something, just sex. Of course, if I had known at the time how bad things would be getting, I would thank my lucky stars this is all I had to deal with.

I gently eased my tongue to her slit and tried to slowly ease it inside. As soon as she saw my tongue moving, though, she grabbed my head and pushed me into her. Even though I knew I couldn't overpower her, I was really wishing I could have my hands back; at least I could have tried to resist, instead of just being forced to take it.

Fuck it, this is going to happen, no matter how much I fight it. I started going at it with a lot more passion at that point—I couldn't stop it, but maybe I could speed it up. I couldn't find a clit on her, so I just worked my way inside of her, through the cold, trying to find any warmth at all. I heard a few moans start escaping her lips, and knew that at least she wouldn't be too pissed at me.

When she finally let my head go so I could come up for air, I found what I had been looking for: Her sweet little clit. With a vicious smile, I tweaked it with my tongue. It was a lot warmer than her insides had been, though that might have something to do with the fact that my head had just been occupying that space.

With my assault on her clit came the true moans of pleasure from her. As my efforts continued, I heard her say, "I was beginning to have my doubts about you, human! Now I know why those little ponies keep you around…" Apparently she doesn't listen well. Or maybe she just doesn't pay attention.

I felt her hands on my head again, just in time for a rush of liquid shooting out of her pussy. I felt her tail contracting, squeezing me all over. She forced my face back in to catch the brunt of the blast. Thankfully, it was relatively sweet, despite her diet. Seeing no other choice, I lapped it in as best as I could.

When she was relatively clean of her fluids, she pulled my face away from her again. I could barely feel my tongue at that point. "Aren't you glad you decided to cooperate, human?" she asked with what she probably thought was a sweet tone. It sounded about as guttural as anything else these bloody naga said, to my ears.

Still, I knew I had to give some manner of answer, so I gave her a weak smile I was hoping she would be able to see, my face still dripping with naga juices.

"Now, how about we give you some of what you want?" she said with a little smile. What I wanted was to go find the ponies and sleep with them in their warm, safe, non-rapist filled room. Well, mostly non-rapist; Pinkie has gotten better. This naga was not a mind reader.

I saw her tail open a bit more, letting my cock loose again. She quickly positioned herself back over it and lowered herself back down. My warm shaft was suddenly plagued with the cold again. It was not a pleasant feeling, but it started getting better when she began moving again.

It didn't take me long to reach my peak again, and this time I didn't give her a warning; I couldn't have if I had wanted to, the way she was holding me against her chest again. I heard and felt her gasp when I shot my load inside her. "So warm…" she whispered, her voice fluttering slightly. I felt her tail shudder all along my body.

She pulled my face away from her body. I was barely able to make out a smile on her face. "So, human, how was it?" she asked.

"Cold," I answered. "Very, very cold. I don't suppose you can let me go now?"

"That's all you have to say?" she asked, disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be a great warrior, hardened to all manner of discomfort!"

What I really wanted to say was I just got raped. Let's see how you deal with that. What I did say, though, was, "I've had a long day."

She hmphed at that, but started to unwind her tail. "You gave me what I wanted, so I suppose it's only fair I give you want you want. Though most of the males of this clan would prefer to sleep with a female coiled with them rather than alone."

I figured that was as good a chance as any to further my image of warrior. "Sleeping alone means you have to worry less about catching a knife in the heart."

She stopped unwinding and for a second I thought I fucked up. She said, "After what you did to help us, none of us would hurt you. If you are truly afraid of getting hurt by one of us, though, I can think of a great way to hide you…" Her tail started to constrict me again. Thankfully, I had use of my hands at that point and did my best to pull myself out.

"I think I'll be fine, actually," I said. She gave off a little sigh and finally let me all the way free.

She turned her head to the door and I thought I was finally free of her, but she suddenly looked back to me. "Human, I know you wish to be alone, but… You see, we rarely get any guests as warm as you are!" She reached a hand out to my face and caressed it lightly. I don't know how I stopped myself from jerking back. "You don't seem to like being constricted, but… can I at least sleep next to you? Just holding you with my arms?" The hopeful tone in her voice gave me a pit in my stomach.

What if I wake up and she wants seconds?

What if she decides to constrict me during the night and I don't wake up?

But… If she leaves, will I actually stay alone all night? Or will another naga come to replace her?

She mistook my silence for a no and turned to go again. "Wait," I said, knowing I might regret it. She looked back and I knew I would see hope on her face if I could see better in the dark. "If you keep your tail away from me, you can stay. And you won't get a repeat of this little performance, either," I said, reaching for my pants. Thankfully, the belt was undamaged. I slid them on as she slithered back over to me.

Although… "I don't suppose your tail could function as a pillow?" I asked.

She gently lifted me up and I almost freaked out a bit, but she just as gently lowered me back down to my back. She used her tail to give me an entire bed. "This is how we usually sleep, human," she said, lying down next to me.

I reached over to grab my cloak; I had been using it as a pillow, but now… I threw it over the both of us. I heard her laugh slightly in surprise. "Why did we never think of this?" she asked, marveling over something as simple as a blanket. Without another word, she threw her arms around me and pulled me closer to her. With my wings, there was very little maneuvering I could do, but I managed to get my arms around her as well.

"Warm?" I asked. She just answered by snuggling even closer against me.

(Sex is over)

So for the second day in a row, I woke up way too early and in an unfamiliar place. The naga, it appeared, were the evil type of people in the world known as early risers. And they were all too bloody chipper about it, the sick bastards.

I stretched what I could and tried to shake the kinks out of my wings. The kid that came to wake me up stared in wonder as I popped my fingers, back, neck, toes, and legs.

I had him lead me to where the ponies were still sleeping and then sent him away. I settled down to wait for them to wake up and ended up falling asleep myself.

I awoke with a start when I felt the pony I had apparently taken to using as a pillow shift. For the third time in a row I woke up in an unfamiliar place. At least this time I woke up on top of Fluttershy, who was just as soft as I joked a few months ago in Canterlot. She was also pretty warm, compared to the chilly cave. I don't remember lying against her, but as tired as I was it wouldn't be surprising.

She was also very awake, and curious as to what was lying on her, as well as why it was doing so. "Oh, hi Navarone. Was your own bed not warm enough?"

Warmer than I'll admit to. "Nay, lass. I came by some time ago when I was woken up by a wee little lad. No one here was awake, and I guess I put my head down for a minute and accidentally fell asleep. Too much time running on too little sleep, you know."

We were the only two awake at the time, so we were whispering to try not to wake up the others. I sat up off her belly so she could breathe easier.

"So… what did happen last night?" she asked.

"It was… it was bad. Terrible. So many… I don't want to tell you. I don't want to tell any pony. It is better you don't know. And don't tell Pinkie Pie that, either; she would hate to know what I had to do to get her parents free." She nodded solemnly, and left it alone.

"How was the feast, at least?"

"Wonderful. You wouldn't have liked it, but to me it was like entering Valhalla, minus the mead. Great food, wonderful company, exotic womenfolk. And they know how to tell a good story."

"Are you sure you want to go back to Ponyville with us?"

"Despite all my bluster, lass, I am not a warrior. I feel absolutely horrid for what I did yesterday. I want nothing more to do with battles, unless it is necessary." Though I admit, the rewards were definitely interesting. But the ponies didn't need to know about that. Especially not Fluttershy. The rewards besides the sword, knife, and striker they let me keep, I mean.

"It is good to see you finally revoking your more violent side, even if it might not be permanent."

"Don't get too used to it. Remember, to the others all we're doing is dancing out here. If I come back completely changed they might think something is up, and that could raise questions Pinkie Pie wouldn't want to have to answer. I'm a good liar. You're not." There was also the fact that I still didn't mind killing people that I knew deserved it, but that also didn't need to be mentioned to Fluttershy.

"I think you sometimes forget you're not living among humans anymore. Most of our friends would probably be too happy to find you changed to question how it happened. And if you're as good a liar as you claim, I don't know why you can't make up some manner of excuse, or a claim of a sudden realization that I had nothing to do with."

"Because despite everything, changing is hard. And I don't know if I want to change in the short term only to end up just as I was, with nothing to show for it but a broken promise."

"Oh… If you say so.

I just shrugged. My shocking realizations of the night before were fading away, though in the gloom of the cave they still seemed real. I felt changed, but I don't honestly know if it was a tangible change or not. Days later, as I sit writing this, I still find myself wondering.

We did little more in the way of discussion, and settled in to wait for the others to awaken. It didn't take overlong, thankfully; Pinkie Pie's family was used to waking up early, as farmers. Even though, you know, they fucking farmed rocks. Not like you have to wake up early to make sure they don't get stolen or wander away. Seriously, how is that even a thing?

They were much more used to waking up in a cave than I was, from their long weeks of confinement. The father woke up first, despite his age, and motioned for me to join him outside their little living area. I got off Fluttershy again—really, she was a much better pillow than my cloak, and she didn't seem to mind anyway—and joined him.

"You seem awfully close to your charges, for a mercenary," he said, remarking on my closeness with Fluttershy. I didn't comment. After a moment, he continued, "Still, you got us freed, even though we're still here. I don't talk about it much, but I have a small stash of bits saved up for cases like this. It isn't much, but…"

"My… payment… has already been arranged. It is unprofessional to accept more than what was agreed upon. Thank you, but no."

"Surely there must be something we can do for you, some way to show our gratitude!"

"Show it by never allowing your family near the site of the naga camp we raided last night. We left before the fire was put out, so I don't know how much is left, but it would not be a pleasant site for ponies. For anyone, really."

"What… what happened, exactly?"

"Don't ask. And don't let the naga tell you. And don't go looking. Just accept that it's done. You might want to stay here a few days while the naga on our side round up any survivors, though I don't imagine there's much fight left in them. I'll leave that up to you. I want nothing more to do with this war. Personally, given the choice I would have left last night. But I am bound by contract to your daughter until she arranges transportation home."

"You're not really a mercenary, are you?"

I looked at him, trying to decide how to answer. I suppose I could technically call myself a merc, but in truth that title didn't fit me. I decided to do what I rarely do: Tell the truth. "I'm a friend of theirs—Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I mean. I was… Fuck it, I'm not going to lie: Pinkie Pie kidnapped both of us to help her. We would have agreed to help her if she had asked, but whatever, here we are. Shit, Fluttershy was brought along more as an excuse for getting me here. My job was supposed to be to sneak in the caves, rescue you, and bring you back out with the naga none-the-wiser. But Fluttershy is a crappy liar so I ended up working with them instead. The merc title is just what I chose to make it easier to explain to the naga, and they took that as meaning I was a warrior for hire."

"That does sound like Pinkamena…" he muttered. "We'll have to talk about that before she leaves again. You know, if you are for hire, I could use some help around the farm. My back isn't what it used to be, and rocks never were light."

"Ah, no!" I said, a tad too quickly. I continued, slower, "You know how women are; they always manage to get into messes. So very often it seems I'm the one that ends up pulling them through. Your daughter and her friends are no different." Not entirely true. In fact, it was pretty close to patently false, but whatever, it got the desired reaction. He smiled and nodded, dropping the point. I have done some odd things in my short nineteen years of life, and I had no desire to add rock farming to the list.

"But if you aren't a mercenary, that means you aren't getting paid by my daughter. So why can't you accept a token of gratitude?"

Mo money mo problems is what I wanted to say, but he wouldn't have gotten that. So instead I settled with, "You need it more than I do; my meals and board are provided for by the crown." Let him make of that what he would. It was technically true; Twilight lived in the library through the grace of Celestia, and I lived with Twilight. And since Twilight was technically an agent of the crown, and it was usually her feeding me, the crown was providing for that as well. Not to say I was a complete freeloader, mind; I did the occasional odd job and whatnot. I also helped with some research.

And then there were events like this, where I solved a possible regional inter-warfare crisis between two rival extra-pony groups. Though my methods were not at all the preferred methods for something like this; if Twilight had been here, the two groups would have ended up laying down their arms and cooperating peacefully, in brotherhood and harmony. Until they remembered what and who they were and one side or the other conducted their own version of the Kristallnacht upon the other. My method wasn't pretty but it was permanent.

"You know," I told him, "you could move and farm something else. Like, where there aren't a bunch of carnivorous snake people. And farm something that actually grows." Or makes sense.

"No, no. I've been here so long now I wouldn't know what else to do. This farm has been in our family for generations. I couldn't just up and leave…" Even though your land is terribly depressing, you risk possible death by naga, and one of your daughters is hundreds of miles away. Right.

I just shrugged and said, "Your life."

I was saved from further conversation by more stirring from within. The rest of the party was waking up. We returned before our absence was noted.

Pinkie Pie was rather happy to see us all in one place, and primed to stay that way for a bit. I'm sure that if she had the supplies she would have thrown a party right then and there. The rest of the family was pleased they would get to go home soon, blissfully unaware of the cost. Fluttershy, who never much cares to leave her animals in the first place, was looking forward to getting home soon. I found myself agreeing; this place was not good on my mind.

All was in order for our departure, and we started to make our way out. We were passing a large chamber just before the entrance to the tunnel that would take us out when I was called aside by one of the leader naga. He waved the rest of the group forwards, and I nodded at Pinkie Pie to show I'd catch up.

"There is something I'd like to show you, human Navarone," the leader told me. If I knew them better, I'd made a joke about trouser snakes, but as it was I abstained. They didn't wear pants anyway.

"I hope you don't plan to keep me overly long from my employer. She may still need protecting, unless you sent warriors to finish mopping up the remnants of the enemy."

"My naga will watch her family for some time. You need not worry about them."

"Then I will see what you have to show me."

We went through a side passage that I had barely noticed until then, my quiet cloth-shoed footfalls loudly overrun by his raspy slithering. If they want to kill me, my body would never be found. It was not a comforting realization, especially given the caveat I gave them the night before, about my status as an assassin and not a warrior.

I decided to pull out my crossbow and check it over for damage as we went, as a hint of sorts. We talked of strategy and combat on the way through the caverns. There was little lighting, for most of the naga knew their way through the caves. But what little I could see took my breath away. There were a few massive cavities, extending so high up I couldn't see the top. There were a few pitfalls so deep that I couldn't see the bottom, bridged only by narrow constructions of rope and wood, and it took echoes from the bottom minutes to reach us.

There was one point when we entered one of those massive cavities where we paused. I looked, and lining the wall were tombs, in which I assumed great warriors were laid. We spent a few moments of respect, with him telling me the history of a few notable naga from his clan. I didn't much care, personally, but I was able to respect their history. At that point, I was thinking that was what he had wanted to show me, but when he started moving forward again I unhesitatingly followed.

We went through one room completely lined by massive sapphires, all grown into the wall and engraved with historical scenes. There was a single torch in the room, and that was all it needed: The walls glittered and shined dazzlingly, bathing the entire room in a brilliant blue shade. I could barely see any of the scenes on the wall, but I didn't need to see them to understand their significance. Rarity would have killed to have been able to mine that room. She would have been killed had she tried it, too.

We finally stopped again at a massive—super massive; this place was bigger than any of the rooms we went through, possibly combined—pool of water. Inside it were schools of bioluminescent fish dancing merrily through the waves, chasing blind fish that evolved for the perfect darkness of the area. Their lights, mixed with the torches lining some parts of the walls, gave the room a warm, faint glow. From what I could see of the water, it was perfectly clear and completely unsilted. Even with the fish and the torches, I couldn't see the bottom of it. I could see a single slant of light illuminating a perfect circle near the middle of the lake, and descending from that was a long rope leading all the way from the ceiling to the water.

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had lost my eyes afterwards, I don't know if I would have been sad; I had seen the most beautiful thing the world had to offer. What more was there?

I saw more naga around and in the water, easily surviving above the water and below it. A few of them were surprised to see me there, but upon seeing their war leader they didn't comment. Some even called greetings. We each raised a hand in response.

"Why… did you bring me here?" I weakly asked.

"A few reasons. One, to show you for what you fought yesterday. What you saw out in front caverns is where we live when we might need to access the surface easily. Most of our warriors live there full time, and take occasional breaks here to get their scales and gills wet. Their families live there with them. Almost no outsider ever sees this area, as it houses our people. Our innocent people, mind."

"I am glad to know I didn't kill a large group of naga for just the few souls I saw in the front caverns, that is for sure. I have not been a part of a slaughter like that in a long time…"

"Another reason is that I would like you to reconsider returning to the ponies. You said yourself they don't use you to your full potential. You don't even know how to properly fight! That little toy at your side is good for shooting animals, but there is no glory in fighting with it! Stay with us, and learn to fight like a naga."

It was a somewhat tempting offer, honestly. It would give me a chance to escape from Luna, as she would never be able to find me down here. Meat and fish would be easier to find. Their women were… inviting. And I was growing a bit weary living among the ponies; they were all nice, but most still found it hard to deal with me.

But there were downsides as well. One, I'm not aquatic. Two, I don't want to live in mostly darkness forever. Three, I have fucking wings, and this is a bloody cave. There are a few places I could fly, but not many. Four, fighting for glory and honor is stupid and a good way to get you killed early. Five, none of these naga really seemed that scholarly; discussions with them would most likely devolve into boasts, stories, and war, not logic and debate like I was getting used to.

After a long enough wait, I answered, "I am sorry, but my place is with the ponies, at least for now. They have few ways to solve their few problems that involve violence but with creatures like me. They rarely need violence, but when they do someone has to be able to do it. Few enough mercs walk their lands, which is probably a good thing." All technically true.

"That is the answer I was expecting, but not an answer I am pleased to hear. There is one more thing you could do for my people, if you would be so kind. It isn't something that is hard, but something we cannot do."

"Name it, and I will see what I can do."

"We need your wings. My people… do not like fliers. Of any kind. Both fish and snakes do not have many defenses when it comes to birds, and that translated through to us. But sometimes we need them, and ponies rarely show themselves worthy of working with us."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Take several torches and light up our sky." He waved his arm upwards, showing the empty darkness that ruled above us. There were a few weakly flickering lights above us, what I at first thought were more gemstones, but now realized were actually almost dead torches. I wondered what they were hiding up there, then.

"Bring me torches," I said as I started unclasping my cloak. I removed the crossbow and the bolts from my back and unclipped the sword belt from my waist. I shook out and stretched my wings as I waited for the torches. I thought of the rope, and asked, "Where does that rope lead, and why can't you use it for the torches?"

"The smoke from the torches has to go somewhere. You remember the well behind the farmer's house? That rope is the bucket rope for it. Our warriors can climb up it, but once they get to the ceiling, they can't hold on as well."

"And… the ponies know about this?"

"They know that we use the well sometimes. They don't know its significance, though."

Good to know. Then someone finally brought me some torches.

"Along the wall are a few sconces. Some are inlaid into the wall, some are jutting out. Just slide a torch in everywhere you can fit one," their engineer told me. I was given a pack of empty torches that I clipped around my waist, and a lit one to guide me on my way and to light the further ones.

It was a long, painful job. As I said before, the chamber was just absolutely massive. I had to take several trips to get more torches. I could tell they had been stockpiling them for a while. It involved more climbing and hanging than actual flying, and both my wings and arms were wooden and stiff by the time I was getting done.

When I landed for the last time, I barely had enough energy to get me into the air one more time. But this trip was special to me. I took off everything but my pants and leapt into the air. I flew several hundred feet into the center of the pool, and just dove in.

I had to have spent at least half an hour in the cool water, letting my wings soak and recover. The glow from the roof was brilliant, and I could see patterns in the torches and some bits of artwork on the ceiling. Right before I dove into the water, I noticed that I could see all the way to the bottom of the pool; there were a few hundred naga on the bottom, finally lit up and able to see well.

It was incredibly peaceful, with the gentle lapping of water at the shore barely at the edge of perceptibility and the unheard sounds of the bustling community below me. I hardly wanted to drag myself out of the pool, but I knew Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy would be worried until I came back. I slowly started paddling out with my arms. My wings trailed gently behind me.

When I finally reached the shore, the leader smiled down at me. "As far as I'm concerned, you are always welcome here, Navarone, wings and pony-lover be damned. You helped save us from our enemies and you lit up the world for us. I know you feel the need to return to the ponies, but feel free to come back here whenever you want." I nodded at his remarks, happy to hear them. "I would lead you back to the surface myself, but I am needed at a council meeting; we military naga know the threat is extinguished, but politicians always like to blather on."

We clasped hands, and he slid beneath the waves, leaving me with a small group of warriors that weren't with the raiders last night. I would have climbed up the rope, but there was no way in hell I was strong enough to climb that high. I could fly half the distance, but even then I couldn't climb the rest of the way. As they led me to the surface, they asked for stories of the night before. I told a few, exaggerating the effect their own warriors had. They then started asking for stories of my homeland, and I told a few of those. Before I knew it, I was dry and on the surface, cloak wrapped again about me.

Most of the warriors in the group split off on the way to the surface, and all but one guide left us when we got outside. The last guide and I slowly made our way to Pinkie Pie's farm, where I found a large surprise party waiting for me. Not so much a surprise when you know Pinkie Pie, but whatever. We invited the guide to stay, but he took one look at the decorations and politely declined. I wish I could have declined as well, but you know Pinkie Pie. I generally pretend to enjoy them for her benefit; there are times I think she's codependent, and would go on a self-destructive spiral if she couldn't keep others entertained.

It was definitely an interesting contrast to the feast I had with the naga. I mean, it's like going from an ancient Scandinavian/Viking feast, missing only mead, to a bloody five year old's birthday party. It was a bit of a disappointing swap, and I was really tempted to bring out the alcohol and let the adults take a nice shot, but I managed to restrain myself. After the wounds I dealt with the night before, I only had one flask left, and that wouldn't be enough to get a pony buzzed.

And while I'm not going to say I didn't take a shot or two, fuck you.

The next morning, I woke up to a banging at the front door. In an unfamiliar place, yet again. Since it wasn't my house, I didn't even care about the knocking, until I heard a scream. Before I even registered what I was hearing I was already up and out the window with the sword belt in my hand. Since it was so hot I had left the bloody window open, dust be damned. I should mention again, in case I haven't before: I don't know how to use a sword, other than that the pointy end goes into the other person.

I glided to the ground and had the sword unsheathed and pointed rather harshly into the back of the naga that was intruding. "Friend or foe, I don't care: Drop your sword belt, and don't even think about drawing steel."

It very, very slowly did as I asked. Pinkie Pie's mother at the front door looked horrified, and the rest of the group were gathering behind her in various states of shock.

But the look of horror on the mother's face changed to one of slight compassion, as she beheld the look on the naga's face. I couldn't see it myself, but apparently it was a pitiful mix of fear, sorrow, and resignation. Before I was fully aware of what was happening, she was ushering him inside, through expressions of doubt voiced by the husband.

I checked the naga's sword belt where he dropped it and found the damn thing was actually empty; the sheath was there, but the sword was gone. That didn't cause me to put my blade away, but rather caused me more concern. This was almost definitely a refugee from the camp; what was he doing here? And how did he get through the sentries I was promised?

As I followed the naga and the mother in, I whispered to Fluttershy, "Go get my crossbow and the bolts. I have a bad feeling." She took a look at my face, audibly gulped, and rushed off to get them.

As we marched the prisoner into the kitchen, I took a second to study him. He was smaller than most naga I had seen and looked a lot younger. Most of the others had some tattoos or markings to identify them as warriors, but this one had nothing.

When we got to the kitchen, I kicked everyone out but the father and the mother. Pinkie Pie didn't want to leave, but an executive override from the father was something even her usual insanity couldn't pierce.

When the naga finally saw me, he turned about as white as possible for a snake fish thing and spluttered out an aggrieved "Monster!" If I didn't have the sword on him, he would have attacked me. As it was, I know he considered impaling himself if it would have meant getting his hands on me for even a second.

I turned to the mother. "Leave." She did so, after a lingering look at her husband.

When she had left and we locked the door behind her, I asked it, "Why did you come here?"

He hissed at me, and answered toward the farmer instead. "Asylum. There is nowhere left for me. I was the only survivor, after this thing destroyed our camp. Ponies are known for their tolerance. I see now they even tolerate monsters."

"Strong words, coming from a snake-fish beast," I answered.

"Enough," the father pronounced. "So you want asylum. Why should I give it to you?"

"My family is dead. My friends are dead. My clan is dead," the naga wailed. "There is nothing left for me. I can work here or I can leave and die. The native naga here will kill me if I leave this building without you by my side. They laughingly sent me here without a weapon. They didn't tell me… this was here," he hissed, with an angry motion in my direction. Probably figured I would kill him and save them the trouble. One last trick to a grieving enemy.

After a look from the father, I held my tongue. After that look, though, he got thoughtful. "You can work, you said. Do you know any farming work?" Ultimate punishment, right there. Have your family killed and then get pressed into a rock farm.

"I was a scout. That is why I was away from the camp when… it was destroyed. I saw it, though. I saw this monster pouring fire from the heavens on it!"

Very calmly, the father said, "If you keep talking badly about my guests, I will throw you out of this house myself. If you want any manner of asylum here, you will have to work for it, and respect my word."

I walked over to the farmer and whispered, "You sure this is wise?"

"He's young, Navarone. Have some compassion. Did you learn nothing from this?"

"I learned that naga are fucking dangerous." I didn't give him a chance to respond, walking away.

After an intense internal debate, the farmer decided. "You can stay. If you don't like the work, I'll pay a train ticket for you to go anywhere reasonable." Not the choice I would have made. I couldn't have trusted my family to something carnivorous, if I was an herbivore. But it wasn't my call.

After a look at my face, the farmer said, "Anypony can change."

"Yes, but so few rarely bother to." He couldn't answer that, aside from a vague call to 'have some faith.'

When we told the rest, I got responses I expected. Incredulity mixed with acceptance, with a tinge of fear from Fluttershy. The only request the naga made was that I leave as soon as possible, which I was planning on doing anyway. That farm was depressing as all hell. I don't know how anyone could keep a will to live there.

So it was that we found ourselves on a train home before the day was out.

"If anyone asks," I said, "these are props." That was in reference to the sword, knife and two fire starters I had from the naga.

"Of course. And we were dancing all the time," Pinkie Pie said.

"This doesn't feel right, lying to them. They would understand," Fluttershy said.

"It would raise questions I don't want to answer," I told her. She knew a bit of what I meant, from the conversation in the cave, but Pinkie Pie didn't.

"What do you mean, Nav? You're a hero!"

"The path of a hero is strewn with bodies of those slain to prove his mettle."

"But heroes always save the ponies in the stories."

"Maybe in your stories. In mine, most of the heroes are made from killing more of the enemy than anyone else." She was having none of it, though. Thankfully, her warnings to us to keep silent about the affairs held to herself, and she stopped her thanksgivings to me when we arrived back home.

When asked how the trip was, we replied with, "It was interesting." I kept the other bottle of alcohol, just in case. Seriously, how much of that shit was Applejack making?

Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

About half a month after the little naga trip, I noticed an aquamarine unicorn following me. Now, I had seen this chick watching me several times, but she usually left it at watching. Of course, I was watched by just about all the ponies in town anyway, so that was hardly surprising. Her eyes seemed a bit too intent for my liking, is all.

But today, it seemed, she decided to follow me. This went on for about three blocks before I decided to turn down a short alley. I kept walking, looking back occasionally. She stopped at the alley entrance for a bit and watched me a while before continuing on. Maybe it was just me.

It wasn't. The same thing happened the next day in a different part of town. When I noticed, I started walking out of town. Just a few gradual changes in my path, nothing much, but I made sure I was outside of town. She stopped at the town limits and watched me for a while before turning back.

The same thing happened the next day. And the next. By the fifth day, she was bolder, and followed me wherever I went, until I went into a building.

The sixth day I noticed her following me, I went to town hall. The town hall building itself is round, and there's a pretty big area around it that is empty of everything, leaving a wheel around it.

I walked around it a few times, slowly speeding up my pace. She wasn't paying too much attention to my speed. Before long I was right alongside her. "Hello, ma'am," I said.

She jumped.

"What's your name?" I asked in a conversational tone.

"L-l-lyra," she squeaked.

"Lyra… That's a nice name," I said. "Your cutie mark is a harp. Do you play?"

She nodded, more comfortable talking about something she was familiar with. "I'm not famous or anything, but I do play. It's actually a lyre, but that's pretty close to a harp!"

I smiled. "I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but I was always more of a piano kinda guy. Shame I never had the coordination for it." I sighed. "I miss some things from my world. Some of the music is one of them."

She was silent for a moment. She finally squeaked something again that sounded like she said, "And hands?"

I nodded. "Yeah, not very many of the people here having hands is kind of odd, I admit. Hooves are interesting, of course, but there's nothing like being able to just reach out and stroke something…" I gently poked her.

She shivered. "May I… Your hands…" She was kind of flustered. I stopped. "Oh, please don't be offended…" Then she saw my little smile. I held my hands up for her.

I felt her magic take them and pull them around a bit. She tweaked them a few times, flexed them in and out. She was staring with awe. She slowly pulled me closer by my hands, until I was gently rubbing her nose.

She released me with a wide smile and I slowly pulled my hand back. She said, "I don't suppose you would…" She blushed a little. "Would you like to hear me play?"

Not sure I like where this is going. "In a public setting, certainly. However, the princess has forbidden me from entering any private residence until more ponies accept me. She doesn't want anyone to think I might be harming someone." That was a lie, but eh.

She nodded. "I understand. I don't think Bon-Bon would like an unexpected visitor anyway! If you could just follow me and wait outside for a few minutes, I could grab my lyre and we could go to the park."

I thought for a moment. Bon-Bon… That would work. "Okay. Just make sure to invite your friend; music should be shared with as many people as possible, in my opinion."

Her smile grew even wider. "She always tells me the same thing! You'll have to keep a lookout for any possible gigs for me, friend!" She ran off and I followed, slower. She looked back when she was about fifty feet from me and gasped. She galloped back. "I forgot you were so slow! I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, Lyra. I can be faster when I choose, but it's a nice day out. Too nice to be hurrying, in my mind." She smiled before joining me at my side. She led me to a nondescript house and went inside. I knelt down and waited.

A few short minutes later Lyra came bundling out, holding a case in the air with magic. A very light yellow mare followed her out, closing the door behind her. She looked me up and down before giving a little shudder. The ponies here really weren't used to me, and I suppose some were still afraid even after what Celestia had said.

But they were always relatively polite about it. Lyra introduced us. "Bon-Bon, this is Navarone. Navarone, this is my special somepony Bon-Bon."

I nodded, smiling. "Nice to meet you, ma'am. Would you like to go to the park to hear Lyra play?"

She nodded stiffly. "I suppose," she said nervously. I nodded, still smiling.

Lyra clapped a bit, and led the way to a park. She kept up an inane chatter, trying to get her friend to warm up to me. I answered her as I could, not knowing much about the social scene in this place.

Finally, Bon-Bon said, "So Navarone, what did the Princess mean when she said you were good at dealing with unicorns?"

Lyra stopped talking. I stopped smiling.

"A few months ago Twilight got word that there was a power crazed unicorn doing terrible experiments in an abandoned castle," I said. "She knew I had a stronger stomach than most ponies, and brought me with her to confront the unicorn. We found… Well, let's just say that the unicorn in that castle was a murderer." They both gasped. "We broke through her defenses. I got to her just as she teleported away, but I managed to destroy her horn before she was fully gone." Lyra flinched. "The ensuing explosion destroyed the room we were in and turned me into a pegasus and Twilight into a human. The princess was able to change us back, thankfully."

"You… you cut off her horn?" Lyra quietly asked, horrified.

"No, I destroyed her horn," I answered. They looked at each other. "She was dangerous. I imagine the family of the pony that she murdered was thankful she wouldn't have the chance to hurt anyone else."

Bon-Bon slowly nodded. Lyra looked quite a bit off-put. We kept walking in silence for a while.

Bon-Bon broke the silence. "You're a good… well, not a good pony, but you're good, Navarone."

"It's nice to hear that, Bon-Bon," I answered. "I sometimes feel bad about what I did to her, but Twilight and I both knew it was for the best. I'm sorry if I ruined the mood with that story, but I don't like lying when someone asks me a question."

"It's… It's okay, Navarone," Lyra said. "I know just the song to fit the mood."

We were arriving at the park now. Lyra walked over to a tree that I swear had a groove in it from being sat under. She matched the spot perfectly and started setting up the instrument. Bon-Bon sat very close to her, watching her. I sat a few feet away, facing them both.

When she was ready, Lyra began to play. It was a beautiful, sorrowful song. It rang a few notes in my mind and for some reason sounded very familiar, but I didn't know why. When she finished, Bon-Bon was crying lightly, smiling. I was wearing my own little smile.

Lyra looked over at me. "What did you think?" she asked me.

"Beautiful," I answered. She beamed at me, and began to play much happier songs. We were at the park for a few hours, until the sun went down. It was a nice day…

I found out just how much booze Applejack was making a few days into winter, when a huge explosion rocked the countryside.

I was with Twilight at the time, talking about an interesting point of logic. As soon as the boom finished echoing, I looked dead at her and said, "I'm right here. This was not my fault."

"I don't know," she said, "you seem really wily. I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to find a way to be in two places at once." With that, we set off to find out what the hell happened.

In a typical human and apparently pony reaction, most everyone was staring out at the distance, trying to see whatever happened. Twilight and I were the only ones actually rushing to find out. And of course—as I feared—the trail led to Applejack's farm.

Now, there were a few good things to be said about this: One, it was winter, so all of the crops were in. Two, no one was in the fields. Three, I couldn't be logically blamed for it.

Applejack was still rather distraught at it, though. With all the snow on the ground and with no leaves to jump from one tree to another, the fire didn't spread that far. Stills aren't that cheap to make, though, and she probably lost a decent investment in the parts it took. I don't know why she was making that stuff anymore anyway; I could find no evidence of her actually using or selling it, and I kept a very, very close eye on it.

Thankfully, there was a large group of pegasi already there, getting clouds together to rain the fire out. There wasn't much for me or Twilight to do by the time we got there.

"Well, lass, I hope you learned a very valuable lesson today," I told Applejack after we got the fire put out.

"Yeah, build my stills away from trees! You didn't tell me they could explode!"

"No, the lesson you're supposed to be learning is that even though I allow you to produce this shit doesn't mean you should."

"What, does the actual alcohol itself randomly combust too?"

"It is flammable, if the percent alcohol is high enough, which it is. If someone trips over a lantern where you store it and there's enough of alcohol there, the explosion will be enough to make this look like a firecracker."

"I'm done with this stuff. Forget it. I'll hold onto what I have in case we ever need it, but I'm not making any more."

"Good girl." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Twilight, I'm really not comfortable with being a magic guinea pig," I said. We were in the library and she was looking at me with predatory eyes.

"Oh come on, Nav! What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could die. Or be turned into a pony permanently. I don't actually know which of those would be worse."

"This isn't a permanent spell. It just lasts a few hours. You'll be fine!"

I sighed. She grinned, and cast the spell. A purple light arced at me, hit me dead in the chest, diffused around my body, collected in my wings, and shot right back at her. She had the chance to look surprised before it engulfed her in a cloud of purple.

I coughed out a bit of black smoke. "Holy shit," I rasped. "You okay, Twilight?" The cloud of purple was beginning to dissipate.

"Is that you, Shiny? What happ—" We saw each other at the same time. She looked a hell of a lot smaller and a lot cuter than she used to. Until she saw me, at least. Then her eyes opened as wide as they could, she screamed, reared back, her horn glowed, and I went flying backwards through the closed window. It shattered and sent me tumbling into the town.

I stopped tumbling at the feet of a very confused Applejack. "You alright, Nav?"

"No," I groaned. It felt like my back was fucked up and I know there was glass in my wings.

"What happened? Is Twilight okay?"

"She fucked a spell up. She was a lot smaller and very confused. Am I bleeding?"

She looked me up and down. "You'll be fine." That didn't answer my question. "Imma go check on Twi." She galloped up to the door of the library and burst in.

I started picking myself up off the ground, wincing as I did so. The crowd of ponies around me backed away when I stood. I just got thrown out a window by someone they respect a hell of a lot more than me. They probably think I was attacking her.

I spread my wings, trying to feel for any damage. Apparently feathers make good shields for glass. Clothes, however, do not. I heard a loud and familiar gasp behind me. "Nav, what happened?"

"Twilight went crazy, Rarity. Is my back that bad?"

"Well… it's seen better days. Is Twilight okay?"

"Applejack is checking right now. Can you use your magic to pick any glass out?" She looked disgusted at the question. "It needs to come out or it won't heal right." Actually, I don't know how that would work with healing magic.

"I can… try. Come on to my shop, we'll get you cleaned up. Now, tell me what happened to Twilight." She started leading the way to her shop as I explained what happened. "That does sound like her," she muttered.

"Yeah. Cares nothing for safety. Mine or hers. It's just like her to defenestrate me for the fun of it."

She giggled. "That's a word I wouldn't have expected somepony like you to know."

"Rarity, you know I'm smart. I'm just uncouth and I don't care about using the manners I have."

"I know. You make it easy to forget sometimes." Rarity can be such a bitch at times. She tends to make up for it, though.

She pushed the door to her boutique open. "Come on in. Try not to bleed on anything."

"It's not that bad, is it?"

"How bad does it hurt?"

"I can tell you that it sure don't feel good."

We stopped in the kitchen. "Have a seat. I'll go get some towels and a bucket of water." I grabbed one of the kitchen seats and sat in it backwards so I didn't bleed on the wood. Blood stains are pretty hard to remove.

She didn't take long, thankfully. "It's a good thing Sweetie Belle left for home yesterday. I would hate for her to see this. Now take your shirt off."

"I didn't know you just wanted to get me naked." I pulled it off and noticed how messed up the back of it looked. She pulled it away with magic. I started feeling pinpricks in my back. I heard a few tingles as bits of glass fell to the floor. Occasionally a wet towel would rub over my back, making me flinch.

"This would be much easier if you didn't jump every time I touched you."

"I wouldn't jump every time you touched me if it didn't hurt like a bitch."

"Language, Nav… There. I think that's the last of it. Sit still while I go get a needle and some thread."

"Oh God, don't tell me I need stitches!"

"No, no. But your shirt is just ruined! I couldn't let you keep wearing it like this." Dammit, Rarity. I sighed in relief as she started walking back into her shop.

She came back quickly and began to work on the shirt. "You need me to clean any of this up?" I asked, flexing my wings a bit.

"No, I can get it all up with magic quickly enough. I wouldn't want your sensitive paws to get cut up."

"Thanks for this, Rarity. I don't know what came over Twilight. She knows I hate getting thrown out windows."

"She's done this to you before?"

"No, but she's smart. She should know that no one likes being thrown out windows."

"Well, Twilight should know a lot of things that she doesn't. That pony is so inexperienced with life…" She let out a little chuckle. "I bet she wouldn't even know what to do if she developed a crush on somepony."

"I don't know if she would be capable of that. The amount of time she spends in study is insane. The only one she could start to crush on is someone that helped her with her studies."

"Like you, perhaps?" she coyly asked.

"I certainly hope not. She scares me sometimes." Actually, she scares me a lot. "That would be a match made in hell."

"If you say so…"

We sat in a bit of silence for a bit before there was a knock at the door. "Want me to get it?" I asked.

"Let a visitor get my door?" she scoffed. "And a bloody one, at that. Stay here, Nav." She stood and walked out, leaving my shirt behind.

I heard the door open and Applejack's country twang of an accent say, "Howdy, Rarity. Is Nav still here?"

"Yes he is. What… what happened to Twilight?"

"A spell gone funny, far as I can tell. I hope it ain't permanent, she's turned into a filly! Don't remember a thing of us, neither."

Rarity was leading AJ into the kitchen. When they got to me, AJ let out a low whistle. "She sure did a number on you! You alright, Nav?"

"Better, now that the glass is gone." I stood to face them. "The spell isn't permanent, or at least Twilight didn't think it was. I told her not to do it, but she doesn't listen to my advice for stuff like that. Is she still afraid of me, or can I go there to get a new shirt and a shower?"

"You need to see a doctor before anything else, Nav," Rarity told me. "The way your back is scratched up, you really shouldn't be walking around!"

"She's right, sugar cube. You need to get that seen to. But I don't think Twilight'll attack you again. You just startled her, is all."

"She is way too powerful. Who's looking after her right now?"

"Spike. She recognizes him, even if she isn't sure why he's so big. Now c'mon, let's get you to the doc."

"Don't you think we should cover up my cuts first? Ponies might freak out if they saw them."

"Well… You're right. Rarity, you have any scrap cloth we could use?"

She looked over to the table at my shirt. "It was a lost cause anyway," she sighed, magicking it over to me. I wrapped it around my upper body. "You go ahead and take him to the doctor. I'll clean up this mess and go check on Twilight."

"See you soon, Rarity!"

"Thanks again, lass." Off we went to the doc. I'm coming here way too often. I hope this doesn't become a trend.

Thankfully, after the princess confirmed that I was decent, the doctors actually began to let me in without too many problems. Before, they did their best to get me to visit the vet first, even if they did let me in eventually. Unless I came in with Derpy, as I did that one time. Or was dragged in, as happened with Pinkie.

Anyway, Nurse Redheart led the way to a small room. AJ left me to cool my heels there as she headed back to the library. The doctor didn't keep me waiting long, at least. "So what seems to be the problem today, Nav?" He was looking at a clipboard or something.

"I'm going to go with these gaping holes in my back that you can see pretty easily," I commented. I had taken the shirt off when we got here.

He looked up and noticed how fucked up my back was. "Oh. Run through another forest?"

"No, I got thrown out a window. Think you can patch me up?"

"They don't call me Doctor Feelgood for nothing. I'll be back in a minute." He stepped out. Two minutes later he stepped in with a few rolls of gauze and whatnot. "This shouldn't hurt much."

"Can you make it just not hurt at all?"

"Yes, I could. Now sit still." He ran a cleaning pad or something down my back, which stung like fire. "At least all the glass is out." He began to hum something as he started to roll me up in an impersonation of a mummy. It took me a minute to recognize the theme from "Monster Mash." I began to hum it with him. When he finished, he said, "There. Most of those are pretty small and should heal up quickly enough. What I rubbed on them should help. If you have any problems, just come on back."

"You got it, doc. I don't suppose I get a lollipop for being a good patient?"

"No, you don't. Head on out, now, and apologize to whoever threw you out the window."

"I'm hoping it's the other way around, but either way." I left the hospital—fuck yeah, pony socialism!—and started back to the library. I knocked on the door, because I really didn't want filly Twilight to freak out upon seeing me.

Spike answered, looking behind him hesitantly. His eyes lit up when he saw me. "Thank Celestia you're here! I forgot how much of a pain Twilight was as a filly! Come in, man."

"Is she going to freak out again?"

"I… don't think so? I know she threw you through a window, but I think Applejack talked to her."

"God I hope so." I entered, to see Twilight surrounded by books. Literally, I mean: She built a book fort around herself and was reading another one. "She doesn't seem that bad," I commented.

She looked up at my voice and her eyes went wide. I ripped Spike from the ground and held him in front of me before she could do anything to me; he was relatively resistant to magic.

"You put my pet dragon down!" she demanded, pulling herself from her fort.

Pet dragon? "Are you going to attack me again?" I asked, wielding Spike as a shield.

"Me, attack you? You're the monster here!"

"That's a matter of opinion. I was minding my own business when you threw me out the window! That really hurt, you know."

She humphed. "Serves you right for being a monster. Don't you want to eat me?"

"Not particularly, no. I mean, if you want to be eaten, I guess I could give it a try. Do you want me to eat you?"

"Well… no. Does that mean you aren't here to attack me?"

"I wasn't planning on it. Just because I'm different doesn't mean I'm evil."

"Nav, can you put me down?" Spike asked, his arms crossed.

"Can you make sure filly Twilight doesn't go ape shit on me?"

"Look at her, Nav! She looks more curious than anything, now."

I moved Spike out of the direct line of sight between me and Twilight. She did look insanely curious, and was hesitantly moving closer to me. I shrugged and set Spike down.

Twilight let off a massive grin. God that's adorable. "You don't seem that bad, mister. What's your name?"

"Navarone. We've met, but it's been a while."

"I sure don't remember you." Man, she really was terrible at social interaction as a filly. "Do you know where Cadence or Shining Armor is? Or my parents? Or the princess?"

"I don't know Cadence or Shining Armor. I've never met your parents, either. The princess is probably in Canterlot. We're in a small town near there right now."

She gasped. "I've never been outside of Canterlot before! Oh, are the books here that different?"

I looked around the library and finally settled back on her. "You tell me. You're in the only library in the town, right now. You can read any book you want, here. Just take three down at a time and you're okay."

She reared back and clapped her forelegs together, a happy smile on her face. She landed quickly, the smile dropping a bit. "Hey, why do you get to say what I can and can't read? Are you the librarian?"

"Yes, I am. As long as you don't make too much noise and don't make too much of a mess, you can stay here with your pet for as long as you like. I'll explain the whole thing to your parents when they get here." Spike gave me a look. I winked at him. He just rolled his eyes.

Twilight was busy giving me the happiest look I think I had seen from a pony in a while. She jumped at me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her instinctively, holding her up. "Thank you mister librarian!" she shouted, hugging me.

"No problem, my dear. Books are there to be read by anypony, after all." I almost said anyone, but caught myself; no need to risk freaking her out anymore by the grammar change. After a short moment I set her down. She immediately ran back to her book fort and started looking over the titles.

"The mare that was here only let me look at foal books. But now that you're here…" Her horn glowed and all the books settled back to their section on a low shelf. She trotted around the library, looking for something. "Mister, where are the spell books?"

Oh lord. I led her to where they were. "Take any three, Twilight. Just put them back as you finish. And please don't cast any spell that might hurt you or anypony else."

"Yes sir!" She promptly grabbed three large books and dragged them off the shelf. She trotted over to the center of the library where the most light is and began to read.

"Keep an eye on her, Spike," I told him. He rolled his eyes. I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I grabbed Twilight's pillow and blanket while I was up there and took them downstairs. "Do you want to get more comfortable, Twilight?" I asked, holding up the pillow.

She looked up from her book and smiled upon seeing me with a pillow. "Yeah! Thanks, mister!" She pulled the pillow from my grasp with weak magic and set it under her. I threw the blanket on top of her. I heard her giggle and saw her horn light up from under it, giving her light. God she's so adorable. What happened between then and now?

"And you said she was a problem," I said at Spike, smirking a bit.

"Well, she was. You should have heard her whining when Applejack said she could only read the foal books." He shook his head. "She sure was a lot easier to put up with back then."

"Dude, she called you a pet."

"Well, I might as well have been one, then. Newborn dragons don't require much care. Feed them once a day and they're set. We can hardly be hurt and we have just enough magic resistance that it takes a trained unicorn to manipulate us, even at that age."

"Lucky you. Human babies are helpless when they're born, and stay that way for a while. There's a good evolutionary reason for it, but I don't care enough to explain."

"Just like I don't care enough to listen. So, are we just going to leave her there?"

"Well, I'm not planning on leaving her. I don't want to risk her getting hurt attempting spells she can't cast just yet."

He snorted. "This is Twilight we're talking about. You couldn't stop her if you tried. And I don't really think there's a spell that she can't cast, other than maybe moving the sun or moon."

"She uh… she wouldn't actually try that, would she?" I mean, if Celestia and Luna are faking, Twilight trying to move one of the two might end up with an exploded Twilight.

"No, she respects the princess too much to try it."

"Good. I'd hate to tell the princess her pupil exploded because she was trying a spell that was too hard."

"Nav, unicorns don't explode when they try too hard. They just can't cast the spell."

"Well that's boring. So what do you want to do for a few hours until Twilight gets better?"

"Psh. I'm out, dude. See you later." With that, he left.

"I hate baby-sitting," I muttered.

"Then it's a good thing there aren't any babies here!" Pinkie shouted, jumping out of somewhere she shouldn't have been able to be. She still scares the hell out of me when she does that.

"Pinkie, this is a library. No shouting."

"Nav… This place never has any customers. I've seen three ponies check out books in this place, and I come in here to watch you sleep a lot."

"Pinkie, that's really creepy."

"I know! I mean, why do we even have a library if no pony uses it? Doctor Whooves is the only pony I've seen come in here more than once. Now, where's filly Twilight? I bet she's so cute!"

I pointed to the blanket. "She's not going to recognize you, though. It's best to just l—"

Pinkie whipped the blanket off with a massive grin. She promptly went flying out the window that was still broken from me flying out it earlier. Twilight seemed to be having a panic attack.

I got down next to her as Pinkie jumped back inside. "That was so cool! Do it again, do it again!"

That just made Twilight freak out even more. I wrapped her in my arms, "Shh, Twilight. It's okay. That's just Pinkie." Pinkie popped up right next to us, grinning like mad at Twilight.

"What's wrong?" she said in a voice that was way too loud.

Twilight let off an adorable sound and huddled in my arms even more. I wrapped my wings around her to block Pinkie off, then pulled my head up. "Pinkie, Twilight is not good in social situations. You remember how she was when she first got here? She was worse as a filly. You're scaring her."

"P-shaw! She just needs a party!"

"No. She doesn't. She needs to be left alone until the spell wears off. Get out, and tell the others not to visit either, unless they promise to leave her alone."

"But—"

"Out, Pinkie."

She gave an overly theatrical sigh that did nothing to move me. She slowly walked to the door and looked back with sad eyes until I was able to glare at her hard enough for her to get the message.

When she finally left, I lifted my wings. "She's gone, Twilight. It's okay now."

She slowly poked her head out of my arms and gave a quick look around. When she was sure that no one was lurking, waiting to try to talk to her, she let me go. I released her and stood back up.

"Wow mister, you sure are tall."

"Not as tall as Celestia, though. Have you met her?"

Twilight nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm her personal student! I'm going to be the best unicorn ever!"

"With as much as you seem to enjoy reading, it certainly seems that you might. If you need anything, just let me know."

Just like that, her entire panic attack was over. She went back to reading, quick as you please. The blanket wasn't completely over her, but she did wrap it around herself.

Pinkie was right, though. The library never did get used by just about anyone. Twilight kept records, and there were around fifty books checked out since I got here. Half were from Cheerilee, the town's teacher. A few were from some stallion named Doctor Whooves that never seemed to visit while I was here or awake. Derpy checked out a lot of really high level science stuff. Anatomy, physics, math, chemistry, all that good stuff—what little of it the ponies had, at least. Rainbow Dash checked out several crappy fiction books—I tried reading through some of the boring shit she checked out and I just gave up. Fluttershy got a few on animal anatomy. A few others came in and got some on gardening. That's it.

Although I will happily admit that everyone that came in looking for something was able to find it very easily.

Since there was never any real work to be done involving the library other than cleaning, I busied myself with catching up on my journals. I was right here when there was a knock at the door.

I opened it to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, each wearing a massive smile. "Are you going to bother her?"

"Of course not, Nav!" Rainbow Dash said. "We wouldn't do that."

I swung my head to Fluttershy, who was still wearing a smile. She saw my dead eyes. Her smile slowly disappeared. She gulped and said, "W-w-well, we might say hi."

"You can look at her, but don't stare. Don't talk to her. She'll freak out and I'll have to hold her again until you leave. Do we have an understanding?"

The both nodded. I let them in.

Color me surprised, but they both held to it. They did stare just a little bit, but Twilight was too absorbed by the book to notice. When they got done pretending to look around the library, they came back to me and let out some very quiet 'squees.'

"She's so cute!" Fluttershy whispered, glancing at Twilight occasionally.

"And she panics easily," I said. "Go on now, you two. I got this covered."

They both giggled and left, looking back a few times.

"You have weird friends, mister. I don't think they've ever seen a filly before."

"Yeah, they are weird. Doesn't change that they're my friends." She didn't even look up from her book.

Silence returned, aside from the sound of my quill scratching at the page and Twilight occasionally flipping a page with magic. I finished the journal thing and started working on instructions for all sorts of stuff. Bombs, weapons, generators, alcohol, drugs, anything I thought the ponies might one day need. I was planning on giving them all to Celestia when I couldn't think of anything else to add.

If she was as wise as I thought she was, she would burn them without even looking at them.

Nearly an hour later Twilight finally said something. "I feel… funny."

I looked up. "Good funny or bad funny?"

"I… don't… know?" With each word, her voice changed. She was back to herself on the last one.

"About time," I said. I returned to what I was writing.

"I was a filly!" she exclaimed, looking at herself wildly. "How did the spell hit me?"

I looked up. "Fuck if I know. It hit my body, spread out, stopped at my wings, and shot right back at you. Then you freaked out and threw me through a window."

"I remember that, but… how?" Yeah, don't even apologize for attacking me.

"Magic, that's how. I don't think a filly version of you could pick me up to throw me like that."

"No! How did the spell do that?"

"It's a simple telekinesis spell. How do you not know how that works?"

"I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YOUNGIFYING SPELL!"

"Sheesh, calm down. Do I need to put you in timeout?"

"Don't make me throw you back out that window!"

"Oh, don't worry. It's already broken." I stopped. She opened her mouth. "Because you threw me out it." She closed her mouth. After a moment she opened it again. "And broke it with my back. You know, glass and blood everywhere."

"Are you done?"

"It hurt pretty badly, too. Ruined a good shirt. Scared the piss out of some of the ponies outside. They thought I finally turned violent."

"Now, can we get back to discussing the spell?" Fuck you too, Twilight.

"I don't know what there is to discuss. You cast it. It hit me. It was rejected. It hit you. You turned into the most adorable filly I've ever seen that also happened to have a penchant for throwing innocent humans out windows." And not so innocent ponies.

She blushed a bit at that. "You thought I was adorable?"

"Yeah. Your friends did too."

"I remember them coming by. And I remember… you holding me. Protecting me from the pink demon." That's fitting, for Pinkie.

"So are you done with spell testing for today?"

She was silent for a moment, just looking at me. "I'm sorry for throwing you out the window, Nav. I know you're not a monster, even if filly-me thought you were."

"I got better. No worries, lass. So. What now?"

She was silent again. She finally said, "I guess we should figure out why the spell didn't work on you. You said it stopped at your wings?"

"Yeah. My guess is that it read all of my capabilities and body parts and it saw that I had something I have now that I didn't have as a kid, and figured that it couldn't make me younger."

"That's what I was thinking. The other possibility is that you didn't exist in a world that had magic as a colt, and thus the spell didn't have any reference frame for what you looked like. Either one seems possible."

"Or it could just be a spell that isn't intended to be used on someone else. Are you sure you read the book correctly?"

"This didn't come from a book. This is one of the innate powers I seem to be getting. I'm almost positive it's supposed to be used on somepony else."

"Try one of the girls. They've all from here. I suggest Pinkie Pie; she'll be the easiest to keep in line as a filly." Pinkie's childhood life was very, very depressing. Apparently she didn't know what a smile was until she got her cutie mark. She would be easy to handle.

"I suppose I owe her an apology anyway. She always likes testing spells like this. I can do both at once!" She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark. "It'll just have to be tomorrow. And I'm afraid you shouldn't be anywhere near, just in case she reacts like I did."

"Fair enough. I'm sure I can find something else to do."

She looked down at the pile of stuff she had. "I suppose I should pick this mess up." With a sigh, she got to it.

Such is life in Ponyville.