Chapter Twelve—Pinkie's parties, what happens when you break your word, and more bigotry

Oh, and I feel like throwing this anecdote in, while I'm still here: A year after I was summoned, Pinkie Pie tried holding a party for me, calling it my birthday. She started discussing it with me when I bumped into her at the market place. Applejack was with her. When I told her my birthday was actually in March, she gave me the oddest look I've ever seen from her.

"What do you mean, it's in March?" she asked.

I shrugged. "It's in March. What more do you want?"

"…Why didn't you say anything before? I would have thrown you a great party!"

"Have I ever been the sort to like parties?"

"You seemed to enjoy yourself at the Gala." I raised an eyebrow at that, wondering what she meant, but her look didn't change.

"I was locked in a sitting room the entire time. Well, almost the entire time."

"If you say so… Well, this March I'll throw you a super extra fantastical party to make up for last year's! Wait… when in March?"

"If I tell you, will you promise not to give me a party?"

"Psh, no! Don't be silly, Nav. Everypony loves parties!"

"I'm not a pony, remember?"

"Well, everything else I've held a party for likes them!"

"Maybe I'm the exception."

"You know… I could hold you a party every day in March! That way I'll be sure to get it on the right day!"

"You wouldn't. It would be too much money."

"It's worth it, for a friend!"

"How about your birthday present for me be to not give me a party?"

"But you love my parties! Why would I want to not give you something that you love?"

My head was starting to hurt. "I don't like your parties." That was exactly the wrong thing to say.

Her eyes welled up with tears. "You… you don't like my parties?" she asked in the saddest voice I think I've ever heard.

Before I could answer, she started to cry. Now, it's rare that I see Pinkie Pie cry, but when she does in a situation like this—when her feelings weren't actually hurt but she wanted to pretend like it—the tears fly from her face in a stream, like something out of a damn anime. Confuses the hell out of me, and makes me really wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

I turned to Applejack. "Is there any way out of this that doesn't involve me telling her when my birthday is?"

"Nope. Or at least, I sure can't see any."

I was getting more than a few mean looks from the ponies in the market. I sighed.

There was a party scheduled for me on my birthday. Pinkie Pie is an unstoppable party monster.

A few days later, after more than a full year had passed from when I was first brought here, one of my terrible fears was realized: Someone was reading these journals.

Thankfully, Spike was very indiscrete about it. And doubly thankfully, he was still bloody young, and didn't catch half of the meanings of things I wrote.

I was sitting in the main room of Twilight's library, writing, when he approached me. Not writing a journal entry, mind, but something for Twilight. I write entries in my room, where no one will read over my shoulder. Or, when it's a nice day, I sometimes go sit on a cloud to do it; one benefit of wings is that I'm able to rest in interesting places.

But I digress. Spike approached me, and I knew something was wrong by his manner. Instead of his usual boisterous confidence, he came at me somewhat awkwardly, as though not knowing what he should say. It was his first blackmail attempt, I believe, and that made him nervous. "I've been doing some reading…" he started.

I set my pen down and looked at him. "Find any interesting tales of love or war?"

"Maybe you've heard the title of it… The Diaries of a Madman."

I stared at him for what had to have been half a minute. "Let's go for a walk."

"Uh… I don—"

"I wasn't giving you an option." I stood up and grabbed my coat from the rack. I thought for a second and grabbed the crossbow and a quiver, as well; I wasn't going to actually use them on him, but I liked having the option.

I could tell from his body language that Spike knew he had made a mistake. I didn't say a word as I led him through town. He gazed up at my face from time to time, but my stony gaze didn't shift an inch from staring straight ahead. I needed to know how much he knew, and the best way to get him to tell me was to scare him so badly that he didn't want to try anything like this ever again.

My mind was racing a mile a minute; there was a lot of dangerous information in there. The Luna situation, my masquerade as Z, what I knew about Rainbow Dash, suspicions, opinions, and lies. I could tell this was going to be a fun conversation.

I stopped suddenly, causing him to bump into me. We were right on the edge of a large clearing. I could see a nice target clear across the field, about fifty yards away.

"Nav, I—" I held up a hand to forestall him, then slowly loaded the crossbow with a dulled bolt. I drew a bead on the target, made sure I would not miss, and fired. The pumpkin I was shooting at made an audible thunk as it popped. I turned back to Spike and looked at him. He was visibly frightened, and probably would have been sweating if he was able to through his scales. "Nav—" I interrupted him again.

"There is one thing I asked of you and Twilight both when I started writing. Do you remember what that was?"

He gulped and answered, "Never read your journals… But—"

"Do you know why I didn't want them read? Or maybe you found out while you were desecrating my privacy. Tell me, what did you think was so important that you would willingly violate my trust to find?"

He was close to tears, now. I knew he would never do it again, and decided to stop scaring him so badly.

He mumbled something so quietly I didn't even understand him. "What was that?"

"I know about Z…" he said, barely loud enough to be understood.

"How much did you read?"

"Everything starting at the Gala." Thank God. He can't be positive about Luna, though he probably suspects…

"Why?"

"Twilight seemed so taken by Z, that I wanted to learn anything at all I could about him! I know she said you only saw him in passing, but I wanted to learn everything I could! Anything to help me make Rarity like me…"

"Tell me what you learned from that entry."

He snorted. "You obviously don't think too highly of most ponies. And Rarity would be pleased to know your reaction to Blueblood. And you have some agreement with Celestia, but you didn't say about what… You are definitely a liar, and a very good one. And you know how to make mares fall in love."

"Anything else?" Maybe he doesn't know about Luna…

"You… you were trying to avoid Luna, for some reason. And there was something about an exile…"

"How much of this have you told anyone else?"

"None, I swear!" I gave him a very hard look. "I promise!" I looked at him a bit longer before stiffly nodding.

"Don't. Don't ever mention any of it to anyone. Ask me your questions. I will answer them if you need to know."

"Before, when I asked you about Rarity, why didn't you tell me anything about what you knew about mares?"

"Because absolutely none of it would work for you now that you know Rarity, and now that she knows you. And because none of that is good for love, only for passion. Passion is easy, love is hard. Twilight remembers Z fondly because she was with him for a night, and saw only the good in him. And since she didn't know him beforehand, he had no bad traits, only those that he chose to show her when they met. That is why it is too late to use any of my tricks as Z on Rarity."

"How do you know? I might get lucky!"

I smiled at his choice of words. "Because most of the allure of Z was mystery and intrigue. He was handsome, dashing, roguish, and well-traveled. He had seen much and knew more. He was confident but not arrogant, brave but not foolish, daring but not overly so. He was what all young mares want to meet and fall in love with, even if they don't admit it to themselves. And trust me, lad, you may be clever, but not nearly wise enough to do what I did with Z."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're young, and you probably didn't understand half of what I was even saying to Twilight, or the reasoning behind my saying it."

"What did you mean when you said that you created passion but not love? Doesn't one include the other?"

"Sort of. Love is usually passionate, but you can have passion without love. Passion can develop into love, if nurtured. The lies I told built up passion, but they couldn't have held up to make love. There is more than one reason I bailed when I did, that night. One reason is that fleeing when I did created the best performance and the most drama. Another reason is that at that point, Twilight was quite simply mine. But all the lies would start to fade away. I had her, but I had no way of keeping her; all that held her was lies."

"You are dangerous, Navarone."

"Yeah. But sometimes I wonder how smart I am."

"Also, what was that bit with Luna? Why were you avoiding her?"

"That's not something you need to know and it's not something you need to poke your nose into. And don't ask about the exile, either. Or any agreements with Celestia."

"You don't trust me?"

"You read my journal." He couldn't refute that.

So that was one crisis I had feared solved. After that I started hiding my journals better. Which is a hint, to anyone else that might be reading these: I will scare the shit out of you, but if you have a good reason I might not kill you. Might. After all, I am still in the mood for some meat.

A few weeks after that, an odd thing happened. Twilight, Spike, and I were all chilling in the library. Twilight was taking notes or something. Spike was dusting. I was cleaning my fingernails with a knife, about to head out to do… something.

There was a knock at the door. "Spike, can you get that?" Twilight asked, not even looking up.

"Uh…" he looked down to what he was doing and then up to me. "Nav, can you get that?"

I set my knife on the table and got up and went to the door. I casually opened it and beheld a white unicorn wearing a cape. "Can I he—" I started.

He used magic to slap me with a thin rubber glove. "THE GREAT WHITE UNICORN PELT IS HERE TO SLAY YOU, BEAST!" I didn't even have time to wonder why a pony had a glove.

I looked at him. He glared at me.

I slowly reached down into my pocket and pulled out a glove. A very, very heavy weighted glove. I casually whacked him across the face with it as hard as I could. "I accept your challenge."

He spit out a tooth and some blood and fixed me with an even greater glare of pure hatred. "So…" I said. "You going to start slaying me yet?"

"TOWN SQUARE. FIFTEEN MINUTES. BE THERE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONSTER YOU ARE!"
Jesus, turn off the caps lock.

Without another word, he turned around and stalked away. I heard him shouting around to bring up a crowd.

"What was that about?" Twilight asked, still not looking up. I closed the door.

"Oh, some unicorn just came here and told me he was going to kill me in fifteen minutes. I'll go get my crossbow. Be back soon."

"Have fun, N—WHAT!" She finally turned to face me and used magic to pull me closer to her. "What did you say?"

"Some pompous fuck just came by and told me he was going to slay me like a beast or something. He said to meet him in town square, though really it's more of a circle. I suppose I should correct him before I kill him."

She dropped me. I went upstairs to get my crossbow and some bolts. I heard her yelling to Spike. When I came down he was writing furiously. "I'll be back in a few minutes," I told her, heading to the door.

"You can't just go and fight him, Nav!" Twilight said, terribly distraught.

"Silly Twilight," I said, ruffling her mane. "I'm not going to fight him." She looked relieved. "I'm just going to kill him." Her relief vanished.

"But you can't—"

"It's done, Twilight!" Spike interrupted, waving a letter. With a flourish he sent it away.

I sighed. "You aren't going to let me go out there, are you?"

"Not until Princess Celestia gets here to clean this mess up, no!"

I shouldered my crossbow. "How long should she take? I really should be leaving now if I want to make his timeframe."

With an explosion of magic, Celestia appeared right next to me. Twilight and Spike immediately went to their knees. "What's this I hear about a unicorn trying to hurt Navarone?" she asked.

"Some dude just came by, slapped me with a glove, and told me he was going to kill me in a few minutes in town square," I answered. "I guess you want to watch me kill him?"

She frowned. "Navarone, stop it." I sighed and put my crossbow down on a table. "That's better. Now let's go find out what this stallion wants." She led the way out of the library. When she opened the door we saw Rarity and Rainbow Dash right outside, about to knock. When they saw her they bowed.

"We were just about to come and tell Twilight there was a stallion raving in town circle," Rarity said. "He's ranting about killing the beast that lives in the tree."

"Thank you both, but I have already been made aware of this," Celestia said. "Come along, all of you." She led us toward the center of town.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO FEAR ANY LONGER, CITIZENS!" we heard him shouting. "I WILL RID YOU OF THIS MONSTER!"

It didn't take long for him to notice the growing crowd of bowing ponies. "HE HAS YOU ALL SO AFRAID THAT YOU—" He saw Celestia and his eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Princess! You came yourself to see me defeat this monster?" Then he saw me walking behind her. If I thought his eyes were bulging before… "LOOK OUT!" He tried to rush to her 'aid,' but she forced him to stop with magic.

She picked him up and pushed him to the center of town, in the middle of the large crowd that had now formed. I followed. She slowly set him back on the ground and in a voice that wasn't a yell and yet had no problem carrying, she said, "What is this I hear about a monster loose in Ponyville?"

She released him from her spell. He pointed right at me. "I am here to slay this monster and free Ponyville of its subjugations!"

She looked at me and then behind me and frowned. "I don't see any monsters near or behind my good friend Navarone," she said.

His mouth dropped. "G-g-good f-f-f-f-friend?" he practically whimpered.

She smiled. I crossed my arms and ruffled my wings.

"Yes, my good friend Navarone," she answered, pushing me forward with one of her wings. "I'm sure if you ever need any help in your monster slaying travels, he can assist you; he is very good at dispatching unicorns that grow in power and arrogance and try to take over the minds of other ponies." Burn!

I heard some murmuring in the crowd. And if this fellow's face dropped any further he was going to have to sew it back on.

I suddenly started to hear a whistling noise to my left. I ignored it, trying to focus on what Celestia was going to hit this dude with next. The noise got louder and louder until everyone but the monster hunter was looking at it.

It was Fluttershy.

And holy shit was she pissed.

She slammed into the unicorn. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT NAVARONE!" Holy fuck! I rushed forward to grab her before she actually hurt the guy.

I had to actually rip her off of him. "Fluttershy, it's okay!" I tried saying. "Celestia's here, he's not going to do a thing." That got her attention long enough for me to get her off. I grabbed her, gently stroking her mane to try to soothe her. She was glaring at the guy on the ground, huddling in terror. I pulled her away from him and she followed me, not letting her eyes off of him. I think he was crying. I whispered into her ear, "That was awesome." She blinked, realizing where she was.

She started hyperventilating, trying to hold onto me. I led her away from the area, the crowd parting before us. A lot of the ponies were smiling, either at me for helping her or at her for kicking that guy's ass. I led her to Twilight's library, since that was the closest place that was absolutely cool for me to be in; I was welcome in most public places, but I still got plenty of stares and a few snubs.

Maybe after this that would change.

I sat her down on the couch that seems to appear and disappear at need. I'm not joking about that—it is not there when I don't need it and it is there when I want to sit down on something that isn't a chair. No, I don't know how that works.

"So like I said, that was pretty fucking awesome," I said when I had her down and relatively calmed down. She blushed. "Mind, I don't know if Celestia will agree, but I have never had a friend stick her neck out like that for me." I held my fist out. She flinched automatically. I sighed and grabbed one of her hooves with my other hand and gently hit my fist with it. "Good enough," I said. "Now, what the hell came over you?"

She blushed again, even deeper this time. "I… I was in the market, and I heard somepony saying a unicorn was here to kill you. I just sort of… lost my temper. I don't know what happened!" I think she was almost about to either cry or start hyperventilating again.

"Fluttershy, it's okay," I said. "It is perfectly normal to be upset when you hear something like that. If anyone was trying to hurt any of you, you can bet money I'd be hauling ass to get to you to help. That is what friends do for each other." I paused for a moment. "That said, though, I would probably get more details before tackling the fucker," I added with a smile. "Especially with Celestia standing right there."

Her eyes went wide. "P-p-princess C-c-c-c-celestia! I thought you were saying that to make me calm down!" She started hyperventilating again.

I rolled my eyes. I pulled her into a hug. Her wings flared, but after a moment she returned it. Her breathing slowly started to return to normal. When I heard the door open I finally let her go. Princess Celestia was there, watching us.

"Princess," I said, nodding.

"Navarone," she answered, stepping in. "This incident will not repeat itself. I—" her eyes flicked to Fluttershy—"We have ensured that." She sighed. "I honestly expected the ponies here to accept you more readily, Navarone. If Luna and I can do so, why can't they?" She shook her head sadly.

"Because they don't give me a chance, Princess," I answered and shrugged. "I don't really blame them. If something as strange as me came to our world and was left to roam free, stuff like this would happen to it too." Well, actually it would all be much worse, but meh.

She didn't have a response to that. She turned to Fluttershy, who bowed her head in what I was assuming was shame. "Fluttershy, have you learned anything from this?"

Fluttershy mumbled something. I put a hand on one of her hooves. She gave me a hasty smile and looked up at the princess. "I learned that you should never act without thinking or learning the full situation, even if you think somepony might be in danger. You might just hurt somepony that doesn't really deserve it." Not a very good Aesop, in my mind, but whatever.

Celestia turned her gaze to me. "And what did you learn, Navarone?"

I shrugged. "Ponies are kickass friends."

She blinked. "Try again."

"Uh. If some dick comes to challenge me to a duel, tell the princess on him?"

She shook her head. "One more time."

I scratched my head. "Look, Princess, I'm not good at the Aesops. Given the choice, I would have just taken my crossbow down there and deep sixed that sumbitch. It would have dealt with this asshole, though it probably would have made the rest of the ponies in town pretty terrified. But to be quite honest, I don't really give a damn anymore." I shrugged. "If they don't want to accept me, fuck 'em. With these wings growing out of my back, I'm here in this bloody world to stay."

"I'm going to pretend you stopped three sentences sooner," she answered. "Now give it a proper ending."

I blinked, trying to remember what I had said. Dammit, where's Pinkie Pie when I need her? She could just reach through the fourth wall, grab what I was going to write in my journals, and tell me. "…And that would be bad?" I said awkwardly.

Celestia smiled. "Close enough. Now unfortunately, I must return to the palace. It was as always a pleasure to speak with you, Navarone, and to see you, Fluttershy." Before we could respond, she disappeared with a loud thunderclap.

"Well whatayaknow," I said. "She finally asked me for one of those friendship lesson things she always makes you write her."

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly. "I don't think she liked yours very much, Nav."

I shrugged. "That's just because I'm a human living in a pony's world. The Establishment's trying to keep me down." She didn't get it. I waved it away.

Twilight and Spike came in then, so Fluttershy was avoided the awkwardness of my strange human jokes. "Can you believe that guy?" Twilight asked. "Coming here like that!" She sniffed. "He's lucky the princess let him go like she did."

"Well," I said, "I knocked a tooth out and Fluttershy here kicked his ass. I suppose that was enough."

"You knocked out one of his teeth?" Spike asked with wonder in his voice. "You didn't even touch him!"

I went over to the door and opened it. I reached down and picked up the tooth the guy spat out and held it up. "When he slapped me with his little rubber glove to challenge me, I responded with a glove of my own," I said, pulling my glove out and throwing it to Spike.

His eyes opened wide at the weight. "You hit him in the face with this?"

Twilight stared at them in confusion until it finally clicked. "Those are your weighted gloves!" Fluttershy was confused. I set the tooth down on the table and gave her the other glove.

"These things have metal weights in them, Fluttershy. They are a lot heavier than a normal glove. Hit someone with one of these and they'll be feeling it for a while." Her eyes widened in shock and she looked at the glove with disgust. I took it back from her and slipped it into my pocket again. "Yep, nasty inventions," I said. "Wonderfully useful." Spike threw the other one back and I slipped it in the other pocket. "You need any help shopping?" I asked her.

She quickly shook her head, but then thought for a moment. "Maybe you can help me solve a problem, Nav."

"I can certainly try," I said. She led me out of the building, leaving Twilight to her boring work and Spike to cleaning.

"It's… Angel," she said. "He doesn't like eating regular food, you see…"

"Fluttershy, I don't know a damn thing about animals. But I'll see what I can do, I suppose. What happens when you try to give stuff like that to him?"

She described the situation. "Uh huh," I answered. I didn't say anything else. The rest of the walk to her little shack was in silence.

She went in first and said she was back and whatnot. An assload of little critters were inside, playing. I saw Angel staring at her impatiently. When he saw me his gaze froze a bit, but went back to impatient quickly enough.

I walked up to him. He stared up at me fearlessly.

Until he saw my face.

"Let's go for a little walk," I said. He shook his head and tried to bound away. I snatched him by his bunny ears. "I'm glad you agree. We'll be right back, Fluttershy," I said. She nodded, looking down at one of her other little friends. She didn't see Angel frantically trying to get her attention.

When we were outside and a few minutes away from the house I sat down next to a tree. I held Angel up to my eyes. "So I heard you like specially cooked meals," I said. He just looked at me. "So do I. You know, I used to be a bit of a cook back home. Do you know what I specialized in?" He didn't. "Rabbit soup." He eyes went as wide as a bunny's could. "Rabbits worked fine, but bunnies were better. Younger and more tender, you know?" I smiled easily and poked him in the belly. He gulped.

I pulled the knife out of my pocket and opened it with a loud click. He looked at it, fear evident in his eyes. I set the knife down on my knee.

"Do you know what I do to people that hit my friends, Angel?" His eyes returned to mine. "I hurt them." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Now don't get me wrong, Angel: I don't like hurting others. In fact, I detest it. So do you know what you are going to do for me?" One of his eyes popped open. "You are going to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone. No one is going to be hitting my good friend Fluttershy on your watch, right?" He frantically shook his head. "Good. I would hate to have to break my new vegetarian diet to make some nice bunny stew."

I picked my knife up and closed it and slid it into a pocket. "Now how about I set you down so you can go eat what Fluttershy has for you?" He nodded his head like a bloody jackhammer. I put him down and let him go. He sprinted right to Fluttershy's house. I followed at a more sedate pace.

When I got inside, I found he was eating some manner of green pellet or something Fluttershy had laid out for him. "And you said you didn't know about animals!" she said to me, smiling.

"Angel and I, we reached an understanding of sorts," I said. He looked over to me and I patted my pocket. His ears slumped and he shoved a pellet in his mouth. I smiled, nodding.

"Well, whatever you did, thank you!"

"Anything for a friend, Fluttershy. If you need any more help, just ask." She happily nodded and I stepped back into the nice day.