DITZY DON'T
~ BICO

ACT III: BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Rainbow Dash sulked in her cloudy bed. She couldn't believe that her friend—Derpy, of all ponies—had shown her up so spectacularly. Not only that, but it had made her look like a complete foal. What could she do about this?

"Oh, Dashie!" Mademoiselle Doo called as she kicked the front door to Rainbow's house in. "Darling, you look absolutely wretched. Do buck up, will you? I have some wonderful news." She pranced in front of the glowering Rainbow Dash. "Guess who's just been made Captain of the Ponyville Weather Team. That's right, it's moi!"

While the rest of her body maintained her despondent slump, Rainbow's eyes bugged out of her head. "I see…" she said with a calmness that belied her fury. "I'm very happy for you, Mademoiselle Doo."

"Quite," Mademoiselle Doo said. "And don't you worry about a thing. I've made sure you won't have to worry about the weather ever again."

"Oh?" Rainbow said, still frighteningly calm. "What did you do?"

"I told them that you're in no condition to be working as a weathermare," Mademoiselle Doo said. She picked Rainbow up and positioned her on her cumulous bed, and then she pulled the cloud cover over her. "I'm going to be taking care of you, Rainbow." She touched her muzzle to her former boss's. "For… ev… er."

A blood vessel burst in Rainbow's left eye, but she remained unresponsive.

"Well, then!" Mademoiselle Doo said, leaping up from the bed and trotting into the kitchen. "I'm going to go make you some of those delicious rainbow-swirl muffins you like so much. Ooh, we can throw a party. A Doo/Dash Best Friends Forever party! We'll be the only two invited, of course, but that will make it just so much better!"

As Mademoiselle Doo continued to ramble on in the kitchen, Rainbow calmly threw off the cloud cover, got to her hooves, and bolted out the door… without bothering to open it first.

Spike flexed his tiny draconic muscled in the mirror and studied his sculpted, baby-like form. "Lookin' good, Spike," he told his reflection. "Lookin' reeeeal good."

At that moment, somepony began to pound on the door franticly, shouting "Twilight! Twilight, you get your big egg head out here, I've got problems!"

Spike sighed and went to the door, opening it casually. He opened his mouth to speak, but a blue pegasus pushed past him and into the library, swinging her head around to try to find her anticipated savior. The purple dragon dusted himself off and said, "Like I was about to say, Twilight's not here right now."

"What?" Rainbow screamed. "She can't be gone. I need her help right now!"

"Calm down, Dash," Spike said. "What's the problem?"

"The problem is Mademoiselle D—augh, I mean Derpy," Rainbow said. "First she comes back and she's, like, 87% cooler than she was, but then she's all like, 'lookit how cool I am' and shows me up in front of everyone, and now she's starting to really creep me out." She took a deep breath at the end of her rapid-fire explanation.

"Whoa," Spike said. "This is about Ditzy Doo?"

"Yes!"

"So…" Spike said, scratching the scales on the back of his scales nervously. "You don't like the new her?"

"No!"

"Oh," Spike said. He crossed his arms. "Well, that's too bad."

Rainbow scowled. "Too ba—that's an understatement." Then she stopped as something clicked. "Wait… do you… do you know something about what's happened to her?"

"Whatever gives you that idea?" Spike asked with a high pitched squeak that bespoke deep guilt.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Just call it a hunch."

"Okay," Spike conceded. "Twilight really wanted to help fix Ditzy's problem, so we took her around to all our friends to see if they could teach her to be… you know… less ditzy."

"Yeah," Rainbow said flatly. "I'm guessing that didn't go so well."

Spike shook his head. "No, not really. Anyway, Twilight had an idea. See, she was studying some new spells from this book…" He went over to one of the library's shelves and withdrew a book with the name Magical Mimicry on the cover.

"Oh, no…" Rainbow said. "Did she turn Rarity into Derpy?"

"No!" Spike said, aghast. He could hardly imagine anyone sullying the white unicorn's beauty by changing her even one iota from her perfect self, after all. "No, we changed Ditzy."

"What?" Rainbow said. "How?"

"Well," Spike said, settling into the same kind of egghead lecturer voice with which Twilight often lulled Rainbow Dash to sleep. "One particular spell allows someone to mimic certain talents or personality traits of another pony perfectly."

"So…" Rainbow said. "Derpy's just acting like Rarity because of some spell?"

"Not just Rarity," Spike said. "Twilight decided to make sure the spell cured every ditzy bone in Ditzy's body. She wanted to give her Rarity's grace and fashion sense, Fluttershy's kindness and caring, Pinkie Pie's cooking ability, and Applejack's athleticism."

Rainbow Dash pondered this revelation, and her eyes widened with horror. "Spike… just how specific is this spell in… giving ponies others' traits?"

"Um... it didn't sound very specific," Spike said, flipping the book open. "It just says here that the spell will give anypony the personality and skills of anypony else, and can be broken by a command word created by the caster during spelling..."

Rainbow considered this. "So... Derpy has all the personality traits of our friends rolling around in her head?" She began to feel a panic building inside her. "Even... even..."

An epiphany struck Spike. "Even the bad ones."

The door began to pound once again. "Rainbow!" Mademoiselle Doo's voice called urgently. "Rainbow, I know you're in there!" Her voice became lower pitched and she said, "Yeah, I saw you come in. I told the lovely and charming Mademoiselle Doo everything!"

Rainbow Dash and Spike locked eyes. They instantly recognized and affirmed each other's cold fear. They bolted as the banging on the door got louder and more violent. They were scrambling up the stairs when the door splintered and then shattered under the force of Mademoiselle Doo's powerful hind hooves. She leaped into the room with wild eyes, towing a stack of rocks and a piece of cloud sculpted into a misshapen pony head. "You! Will! LOVE ME!"

"Go, go, go!" Rainbow urged the baby dragon. "Okay, Spike, where is Twilight right now? She's gotta fix this!"

"Well," Spike said as they reached the top of the stairs. "She had to get some ingredients for some experiment she's working on, so she went to the Everfree Forest to see Zecora."

"Zecora!" Rainbow Dash said. "Perfect. We have to get there, fast." She pushed open a window and prepared to launch herself out, but then paused. "Wait... she's faster than I am." She scowled. "How is she faster than me, anyway? Applejack's a good match at a ground race, but..."

"Oh, well," Spike said. "I guess it's some combination of that and our other friends' traits. Like Rarity's gracefulness, or..."

"Or Pinkie Pie's ability to get where I'm going before I do even though she doesn't have wings?" Rainbow said.

"Yeah, something like that," Spike said.

Rainbow turned in horror as she heard hoofsteps coming up the stairs. "Rainbow... Rainbow Craaaash. Come out and play."

"We... we need some kind of distraction, Spike," Rainbow said.

"Distraction... distraction." Spike pondered this.

A deformed pony head made of cloudstuff suddenly peeked from around the corner, and in a high pitched voice screeched, "Heeeeere's Misty!" Mademoiselle Doo joined her, along with her rock companion, a few moments later. "Misty, you mustn't startle ponies like tha-"

"Behold!"

"What's this?" Mademoiselle Doo said with the utmost fascination.

Spike unfurled his cape with a flourish and green smoke billowed around him. "I am Spikini, the Great and Powerful! Witness with awe my powers of prestidigitation and my astounding slights of claw!"

"Ooooh." Mademoiselle Doo sat on her haunches and stage whispered to the rock, "Look at that moustache, Rocky. I've always sort of had a thing for dragons with moustaches."

"I will now shock and amaze you with one of my most shocking... and amazing tricks!" Spikini said with a quiet tension in his voice that made Mademoiselle Doo, Misty, and Rocky lean forward in their metaphorical seats. "For this trick I shall require my beautiful assistant, Dash the Incredible!"

Rainbow Dash trot out wearing a sparkling gold dress and a winning smile. "How did you talk me into this?" she whispered to Spikini through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash!" Mademoiselle Doo exclaimed. "I didn't know you were a showpony!"

Rainbow's expression soured momentarily, but she threw up her game face again. She knew they'd have to make this look natural. Somehow.

Spikini rolled out a curtain and obscured Rainbow from view. "Now, for my most amazing and shocking trick-"

"I thought it was shocking and amazing," Mademoiselle Doo interrupted.

"Er..." Spike hesitated. "Yes. My most shocking and amazing trick... I will cause my lovely assistant to... disapear!"

Mademoiselle Doo and her friends gasped in horror. "No! You can't make my Dashy-washy disappear!"

Spike paused. "... and then... reappear again!"

"Ohhhh," Mademoiselle Doo said with renewed excitement.

"Now with the magic words," Spike said. "Equum defluo!" He blew green flame behind the curtain, causing smoke to billow out. "And, presto!" He ripped the curtain down to reveal that Dash had indeed vanished.

"Ahhhh!" Mademoiselle Doo clopped her hooves together in delight. "That was simply marvelous! Now… bring her back!"

Spikini held up a claw. "Patience, fillies and gentle...objects. In order to bring my lovely assistant back from the mysterious beyond, I'll need a volunteer from the audience."

"Ooh, ooh!" Misty made her desire known through squeaks and squeals while Mademoiselle Doo waved a hoof in the air excitedly. Rocky remained ambivalent, muttering, "She can stay gone if ya ask me. Last time we met she knocked my rock off."

"You, Mademoiselle Doo," Spikini said. "Come on down. For my next trick, we employ the Crate of Binding!"

"'Crate of Binding'?" Mademoiselle Doo asked suspiciously.

"As in 'binding two BFFs together... forever!" Spike said.

"Oh, okay!" Mademoiselle Doo said brightly. She stepped into the pony-sized crate and Spikini closed it upcand quickly began to seal it with a hammer and nails and then wrapped thick chains around it. He then tossed off his hat and cape, his claws lingering a moment on the moustache before ripping it off as well. "Alright, time to get out of here before Ditzy catches wise." With that, he made his way down the stairs and out the door.

"Spikini?" Mademoiselle Doo asked from the box. "Spikini the Great and Powerful, what's going on? Is this part of the trick?" A minute lapsed in silence before Rocky growled "I think you been had."

Rainbow Dash shot over Everfree Forest like lightning. She could hardly believe Spike's plan had worked. Once he had covered her with his smoke, she'd just flown right out the window. She only hoped he managed to hold her up long enough for her to reach Zecora's house.

It wasn't long before she saw the zebra's modest home and a familiar purple unicorn leaving it with a wave goodbye to its occupant. "Twilight!" she shouted, dive bombing the magical mare.

"Augh! Rainbow Dash, what are you doing? Get off!" Twilight said, struggling to get out of the pegasus' pin.

"Twilight, your spell messed Derpy's head up worse than ever," she replied. "You have to fix this."

"What?" Twilight asked. "What's wrong with Ditzy Doo? She seemed fine when I saw her last..."

Rainbow glared accusingly at the unicorn.

"Okay," Twilight said. "I thought something like this might happen."

"And you did it anyway," Rainbow said.

"Well," Twilight said. "It was a… last resort. Besides, I thought I'd figured out how to layer the personalities properly. I guess the interaction of four different personalities must have caused some kind of… meltdown?"

Rainbow stared at Twilight for a long moment before answering, "You could say that."

"Okay," Twilight said. Rainbow let her rise to her hooves and she shook some of the dirt out of her mane. "This is actually a simple fix. The spell can be broken if it goes out of control by saying a simple phrase, chosen by the caster. That is: me."

"Yeah, Spike told me," Rainbow said irritably. "So what is it?"

Twilight smirked. "I don't think it's a phrase you could say, Rainbow."

The the multi-color maned pony rolled her eyes and said, "Just tell me what it is, already."

"Oh, alright," Twilight said, still giving the blue pegasus a bemused grin. "It's—"

"Twiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiight!" a familiar voice screamed as a small purple blur streaked into the clearing.

"Spike!" Twilight said. "What's going on?"

"She's coming!" Spike said hysterically. "She's going to get us!"

"Calm down, Spike," the purple unicorn said. "Who's coming?"

Rainbow snorted as she heard the flapping of pegasus wings. "Who do you think?"

"Geronimo!" Rocky shouted as his component rocks flew out of the trees. Rocky's alleged head hit Twilight square in her horn, knocking her out cold.

"Horseapples!" Rainbow cursed.

"I have you now, Rainbow!" Mademoiselle Doo declared.

"Listen," Rainbow Dash said as she slowly backed away from the approaching pony. "You don't want to do this."

"Oh, don't I?" the gray mare said with a sneer. "And why not? Don't you want to be taken care of?"

Rainbow Dash frowned. "Well, yeah it's okay sometimes, but… I mean, the way you're doing it is just demeaning! Sure I can be messy and sure I messed up on that tornado, but that doesn't mean you can treat me like a dumb foal. Do you have any idea how that…?" She trailed off.

"I do," the blonde pegasus said coldly. "Now come on home with me." Misty popped up from behind her and added, "Yeah, and we'll make you cupcakes!"

The way Misty said that really put Rainbow Dash on edge. Then again, she'd had some bad dreams about cupcakes. She shook her head. "No, listen Derp… I mean… Ditzy Doo… I know I haven't been treating you all that well. Maybe I've been a little… well… a lot… condescending. And that was wrong of me, because even though you're pretty clumsy sometimes, you're also one of the bravest, kindest, and most self-sacrificing ponies I've ever met. And that's why you're one of my very best friends."

"And we'll be friends for… ev… er," Mademoiselle Doo declared.

"Right…" Rainbow said. She sighed. "Okay… I guess what I'm trying to say is… Ditzy, I'm sorry."

The bubble marked mare halted as if she'd just run into an invisible barrier, and her body began to glow softly. She then glowed more and more brightly until Dash had to avert her eyes from the glare. Then, almost as quickly the light faded.

"It's okay, Rainbow Dash," Ditzy said happily.

Rainbow beamed and galloped to her friend, scooping her up into a big hug. "Ditzy, you don't know how happy I am to hear your honest-to-goodness voice again!"

Ditzy blushed when Rainbow released her and said, "Sorry, Rainbow Dash. I guess even when I got all graceful I still managed to mess things up."

Rainbow Dash smiled at the other pegasus. "Nah, that wasn't you."

"Ohh…" Twilight groaned. "I… I see you managed to find the phrase, after all. Didn't think you had it in you to actually apologize to the poor filly, Dash. Much less use her real name."

"Yeah," Rainbow said. "Well, I guess you didn't know me as well as you thought."

"And you didn't know Ditzy as well as you thought, either," Twilight said. "Did you?"

"I… guess not," Rainbow Dash said. "Ya know, I guess I did learn something about friendship today…"

"Spike?" Twilight said.

"On it," the baby dragon replied, whipping out a quill and a piece of parchment. He looked up at Rainbow expectantly.

"Um… which… I'll tell you all about later," Rainbow Dash said. "Right now, I have to break the 'bad' news to the weather team." She frowned. "Oh, it will be bad news for them alright." Then she zipped into the air, leaving the others behind.

"We'll get her later, Spike," Twilight said.

"Well," Ditzy said, "I guess I learned something about friendship, too…"

"Oh, really?" Twilight asked. "Well, I guess you're a friend, too, so…"

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi, I'm Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy. Rainbow Dash is one of my best friends even though she sometimes gets mad at me because I'm so clumsy. Not long ago, she got really mad at me for some trouble I caused and I tried to change to make her happy. Well, I learned that while it's not bad to improve yourself, you should never change who you are to please anyone else. I may be clumsy, my eyes may not point the same direction all the time, and my voice may sound a little coltish, but that's what makes me who I am.

Your loyal subject,

Ditzy "Derpy" Doo

End.