DITZY DON'T
~ BICO

ACT I: I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG

The weather was warm and mild in Ponyville, courtesy of the resident Pegasus Weather Team. Birds sang sweetly as they flit between trees looking for their morning meal, and the citizens of the tiny village began their day at ease.

That all changed when a rogue lightning storm flashed through Sugarcube Corner, scattering the ponies frequenting the downtown shops in a sudden panic. A gray pegasus clung to the top of the black cloud, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Sooooooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyy!"

A rainbow blur streaked through the air on an intercept with the thunder storm. As it approached it slowed and resolved into a multicolor-maned pegasus who regarded the panicked pony riding the dark cloud with a calculating gaze which would have normally seemed out of place on the blue coated mare. "Derpy!" she called. "Reign that storm cloud in! That's not scheduled until next week!"

"I-I-I'm trying, Rainbow Dash!" the panicked pony said as she tried to tug the cloud into a climb. All this seemed to accomplish was arching a lightning bolt from the bottom of the cloud up into the sky.

"Whoa!" Rainbow gasped, trying to blink the afterimage seared into her corneas away. "That... that would have been a pretty cool trick if she'd meant to do it..." She shook her head and snorted. "No time for that. Hold on, Derpy!"

The blonde pegasus took Rainbow's advice and squeezed the cloud as hard as she could, which unleashed a torrent of rain in just about every direction but down, and more random bolts of lightning streaked across the sky.

"Yow!" Rainbow said as she barely dodged a lightning bolt and zipped toward the out-of-control storm. As a pegasus with plenty of experience with lightning, she could recognize the static build up of a bolt about to strike and her body reacted automatically to the feeling. She managed to juke into range and slammed her hooves into the cloud. The storm practically screeched to a halt and Rainbow proceeded to pry the shell-shocked grey pegasus off the cloud. With a couple light bucks in the right place, the storm returned to its dormant state.

Rainbow let go of the bubble flanked mare and gave her a stern look. The blonde pony had the decency to look sheepish. "What the hay were you thinking?"

"I dunno... it just got away from me somehow."

"Some..." Rainbow said, slack-jawed. "'Somehow'? You don't just 'somehow' cause a storm cloud to go on a rampage! Well, you do, obviously, but..." she sighed and hung her head, and the other mare looked away guiltily.

"My bad," she said softly.

"Look at all this," Rainbow continued, her hoof sweeping over the wet streets and scorched buildings. "You're darn right it's your bad. I'd tell you to clean it up, too, but I think that'd just make it worse!" Rainbow glared icicles at the mare before her, who responded with a cross-eyed stare. "Grrrr... alright, this is the last straw! You're banned from the Weather Team... in fact, you're banned from Cloudsdale until you can stop being so... well... you!"

"Oh..." the gray pony said, her face melancholy. Then she perked up. "Well, at least we'll see each other this afternoon. I'm bringing muffins!"

Rainbow facehoofed angrily. "No! I don't want you coming to my house anymore, either! Every time you do you somehow manage to break something or set my house on fire. How do you even set a cloud on fire? I certainly don't know."

Now the clumsy pony's face fell into a truly distraught expression, and her eyes began to shimmer with unshed tears. "But, Rainbow Dash... you can't..."

"Like hay I can't," Rainbow said, turning her flank on her and flicking her six-hued tail. Before flying off with the cloud safely in her hooves, she turned her head to give the other pegasus a sidelong glance. "And by 'like hay I can't' I mean 'I can.' And I am!"

The young mare's wing beats slowed as Rainbow took off, and she slowly descended to the ground. For a moment she stood in the middle of the street as the other ponies began to mill about the soggy street again, taking this latest disruption to their routines in stride.

"Ditzy Doo?"

Ditzy turned and saw a purple unicorn and dragon looking at her curiously. "Oh, hi, Twilight Sparkle! Hi Spike!" she said with a bright smile. "Sorry about the crate last Sunday."

Twilight Sparkle rubbed her head at the memory. "That's alright," she said. "But… we saw that storm coming through from the library. What was that about? I didn't think anything was scheduled until next week."

Ditzy sighed and settle back into a glum mood. "It wasn't."

"Oh…" Twilight said, and she exchanged a dubious look with her scaly assistant. "Well, at least Rainbow Dash managed to get ahold of it. I saw her flying off with that cloud just a minute ago."

"Yeah, Rainbow Dash saved the day," Ditzy said. She looked up at the sky with a pained expression. "But she also banned me from weather duty and Cloudsdale."

"Can she do that?" Twilight asked, a bit shocked. "I mean, don't you live there?"

Ditzy shook her head. "No, I used to, but I kept accidentally falling through the clouds while I was sleeping."

"Is that… a normal danger for pegasi?" Twilight asked.

"No," Ditzy said. "I… don't know of anypony else who has that problem, actually. Anyway, it's safer for me to live here in Ponyville. I don't fall as far when I hit the ground."

"Well, that would explain…" Spike said, crossing his eyes at Twilight. The unicorn bopped him in the head.

"Well, I'm sure Rainbow Dash is just… um… frustrated right now," Twilight said. "Once she cools off everything will go back to normal."

Ditzy shook her head. "She said I had to stay away until I stop being me." Her eyes watered up. "I don't even know how a pony can stop being herself!"

Twilight nodded in understanding. "I see. Well, you know, maybe we can help you there."

"You can?" Ditzy asked.

"We can?" Spike echoed.

"Y'wanna do wha?"

"Ditzy needs to learn how to be… well… less ditzy," Twilight explained to her friend, Applejack.

"And you think workin' as a farmhoof will do that?" Applejack asked. "I don't know if I'm following."

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Twilight said. "You're extremely well-coordinated, Applejack, and why is that?"

"Well…"

"Physical labor can have a positive impact on coordination," Twilight explained. "If she works here for a while, I'm just sure she'll learn to control her body more."

"Uh huh," Applejack said, unconvinced. "I guess we can give it a shot."

Ditzy gave them a wide grin. "Yay!" she cheered. "I'm going to do my best to help you in whatever way I can!"

Over the next several days, Applejack gave Ditzy several tasks. They were simple, but somehow the gray mare managed to do something wrong. She spilled the water she was supposed to carry. She planted seeds in the wrong field. She broke the dishes.

After a week, Applejack approached Ditzy, who was currently tangled in rope.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to do rope tricks like you, Applejack," she said.

"No kiddin'," the orange earth pony said glibly. "That there was just jumpin' rope. I can only manage what you'd do with a lasso." She shook her head and sighed. "Listen. We'll try one more thing, Ditz. Cain't nopony mess up applebucking too bad. Worst that'll happen is no apples will fall."

Ditzy grinned and followed her new boss to the apple orchard. She watched carefully as Applejack explained and demonstrated the perfect applebuck, and then got into position to try it. "Okay," she said, going over the essentials. "Position, aim, breathing, and haunch squeeze." She repeated this silently to herself for a few moments before lifting her back end and delivering a strong buck to the tree. Nothing happened. She frowned and bucked again. Again, nothing. She began to kick at the tree wildly and with growing frustration before Applejack stopped her.

"Whoa, whoa there, partner," she said. "Y'cain't get all in a huff 'cause you didn't get it right the first time. Just take a deep breath, get into position, and try again. With purpose!"

"Sorry, Applejack," the clumsy pegasus said, "I can do this!" She breathed in deeply and let her mind focus on her goal. She would get those apples off that tree one way or another. She reared her hind legs into the air and with a mighty squeeze of her muscles she bucked the tree.

"What the…" Applejack began as her eyes widened in shock. The apples had come off the tree alright, but not in the normal fashion. They were flying everywhere, and one, in particular, was flying right for her. Her sentence was cut off when that same apple struck her in the eye and she blacked out.

"Applejack…"

"…"

"Applejack, are you okay?"

The orange mare cracked one eyelid open. The other one refused to cooperate and throbbed painfully. "What… just happened?"

"Sorry, Applejack," Ditzy said. "I guess I got carried away."

Applejack looked around with her one good eye and her jaw dropped. There were apples everywhere. They were splattered across the ground, embedded in the sides of other trees. One of her trees had apparently been set on fire. Somehow. "Wh-wh-wh…"

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Ditzy asked bashfully.

Applejack turned to her and gave her a baleful look. "Ditzy… just… go. Just go and don't come back. Never again."

"Uh…" Ditzy said nervously. "Okay. Sorry…"

Ditzy smiled cheerily at the small, furry creatures that ran about the front yard of Fluttershy's peaceful cottage.

"Well..." the yellow pegasus was saying, "She does seem to like animals, but..."

"So it's perfect!" Twilight said. "You can teach her to be more... delicate."

"I guess... that might be okay," Fluttershy said.

"Great!" Twilight said. "I'm sure everything will be just fine."

Fluttershy winced and looked fearfully at the blonde pegasus who was now tossing a baby squirrel into the air playfully and catching it in her hooves. "Please don't do that... if you don't mind..."

"Twilight, are you sure about this?"

Twilight looked up from her tome and regarded her assistant with a quizzical expression. "What do you mean?"

"Well, leaving Ditzy alone with Fluttershy... and all those poor, defenseless animals," Spike said. "You saw the shiner on Applejack, and she's as far from poor and defenseless as you can get!"

"I understand what you mean, Spike, but we have to give our friends the benefit of the doubt. I believe Ditzy can really improve if she puts her mind to it, and I trust Fluttershy to be able to deal with a little klutziness."

"Sure, Twilight. But... y'know, maybe it would be a good idea to check up on them. Y'know... maybe give them some... moral support?"

The violet pony closed a book with the title Magical Mimicry and sighed. "I suppose you're right, Spike. It certainly wouldn't hurt. But I'm sure they're fine."

"Nutty, don't you quit on me!"

Spike faceclawed as Twilight took in the scene with a morbid fascination. Fluttershy was currently performing frantic CPR on a ferret with a red and swollen face, and many of her animals were running wild. The chicken coop was on fire. Ditzy Doo was sitting bashfully in the middle of the chaos.

"What happened here?" Twilight asked slowly.

"Um..." Ditzy said. "I'm not sure what went wrong."

"She fed Nutty nuts!" Fluttershy cried.

"I thought he'd like them..." Ditzy said.

"He's allergic to nuts!"

"So his name's one of those ironic things..." Spike guessed.

"And I guess I forgot to secure the pens,"! Ditzy admitted. "And I may have mixed up the chicken feed with the salamandyrs..."

Fluttershy sighed in relief as Nutty began to cough and rolled back onto his feet. "Oh, thank goodness you're okay." She looked timidly at Ditzy. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out. Please go away, if you don't mind..."

"Muffins!"

Pinkie Pie bounced up and down with excitement. "Oh, this is going to be so great! Ditzy's one of my best customers, always first in line for my muffins. Well, except for that one time during applebuck season, but I didn't even want to look at a muffin for awhile after that, so I can't blame her..."

"I think this might be good for you, Ditzy," Twilight said. "Pinkie's a very... um... professional baker and won't let anything happen. Especially after last time."

"I dunno, Twilight," Ditzy said. "I enjoy eating muffins, but I've never tried to make them before..."

"Don't worry, Ditzy Doo, I trust you," Twilight said.

Spike rolled his eyes. "And with that shining endorsement, nothing can possibly go wrong."

"Is... is Applejack getting enough rest?" Nurse Red Heart asked.

"Not... Applejack..." Pinkie wheezed. She was now more Greenie than Pinkie, and felt so queezy she didn't even care about the kitchen blaze that firefighters were even now attempting to put out. "I had my eye out... for the worms. Didn't suspect... the ipecac." She coughed violently. "Don't know... why I even had that lying around."

"Oops..." Ditzy said dejectedly.

"Twi... Twilight! Come closer..." Pinkie pleaded.

"Uh..." the purple unicorn started forward. "Yes?"

"If I don't make it..."

"Pinkie, you're going to be..."

"If I don't make it!" Pinkie reiterated. "Tell Gummy… he always goes flat when he tries to hit that high B. He really needs to work on that…" With those words, she collapsed back onto the stretcher, falling into blissful unconsciousness.

"Well…" Twilight said. "I guess there's still one last pony who might be able to help…"

Spike gasped and turned to Twilight goggle-eyed. "No! Twilight… you can't!"

To be continued...

DITZY DON'T
~ BICO

ACT II: MADEMOISELLE

"Well, I really don't know what you expect me to do, darling," the white coated unicorn with the stylish, plum mane said apprehensively. "From what I've heard, the poor dear's rather a lost cause."

"Oh, Mademoiselle Rarity," Ditzy said with shimmering eyes. "I'll try my best. You're the most talented, beautiful, graceful pony in Ponyville. Maybe in all of Equestria!"

Rarity began to tear up at the blonde pegasus' praise. She neatly ignored her favorite pincushion's frantic negative gesticulations.

"Why… it would be my dream come true if I could be like you," Ditzy continued shyly.

"Like me?" Rarity repeated, swimming in a sea of vanity.

Ditzy nodded. "I'd be ever so grateful for your generosity."

"Hnnnngggg!" Rarity had to turn away and bite her hoof to keep herself under control. After a moment she regained her composure and turned back to her three visitors. "Well, I can't just ignore a plea for help, can I? And, when it comes to grace and ladylike behavior, you can't have found a better pony for the job!"

Spike sighed. Twilight turned back to him and said, "Don't worry; we'll keep an eye on them this time."

They followed Rarity into her boutique and the white unicorn set to work immediately. "Alright, dear. The first lesson in being a proper lady is presentation. Just hold still…" Rarity's unicorn flared and in an instant fabric, needles, and thread flew through the air, and makeup powder obscured Ditzy from sight for a moment.

"Maybe we shouldn't let so many sharp objects near Ditzy," Spike commented to Twilight, who looked a bit nervous about it, herself.

When the air cleared, Ditzy was wearing a gorgeous ensemble and the highest quality makeup. Unfortunately, her dress was on backward and her makeup seemed as if it had been applied somewhat askew of her actual face.

Rarity glowered at the gray mare and said, "You moved, didn't you."

Ditzy smiled nervously. "Sorry, everything was just so... fun."

"Right, darling," Rarity said as she approached with a rag. "This isn't too bad, I can fix you up in two shakes of a pony's tail. She frowned as she saw Ditzy look back at her tail and shake it. Twice. "That's a figure of speech, dear."

"I'm not a deer, I'm a pony," Ditzy said as Rarity began to meticulously fix Ditzy's makeup.

"Indeed," the violet-maned mare said distractedly as she focused on her craft. After a few moments, she adjusted Ditzy's flowing dress and took a few steps back to appraise the blonde. "Well, it's not quite what I had in mind, but it's not bad."

"You look... wonderful, Ditzy," Twilight said encouragingly.

Spike rolled his eyes. "She looks kind of ridiculous if you ask me."

"Spike!" Twilight hissed at him, elbowing him in the gut.

"Well..." Rarity said pensively. "We'll work on it." She turned around and beckoned the three to follow. She levitated several stacks of books into the air. "Onto Step 2."

"Oh," Twilight said, excitement oozing from her voice. "You're going to have her read all these books, right? That's a wonderful idea!"

Rarity gave her a pointed look. "Ah, no Twilight. You don't learn proper poise from reading books. You learn proper poise from wearing them!" With that, she lowered the stacks onto Ditzy's head, back, and even her outstretched wings. "Now, I want you to begin walking and I don't want a single book to drop to the ground."

"Wow," Spike said with a hint of awe. "This seems like one of those things Rainbow makes Scootaloo do for flight training. Is fashionista training really this grueling?"

"Oh, you haven't known pain until you've been to Fashion Boot Camp, darling," Rarity said. "Now, don't you let those books wobble! I see you!" she roared at the struggling Ditzy. One of the books dropped to the floor and Rarity got into the cross-eyed pony's face. "That's it! You're going to give me 20 curtsies!"

After an hour of posture training, they moved onto speech. "Alright, now. Repeat after me and speak exactly as I do: 'The rain in Mane falls mainly on the plain.'"

"Tha way I' May fawes mayee onna play," Ditzy said around a mouthful of shimmering gemstones.

"No, no, no," Rarity said, stuffing another diamond into the mare's mouth. "Try again!"

"You think Rarity would give me speech lessons, Twilight?" Spike asked. He noted her exasperated glance and said defensively, "What, can you blame a dragon for liking the idea of being hoof-fed gems?"

"THA WWRRAIN IIIN MMMAAANNE FAAWWLES MAAINLHEEE IINNAA PLLLAAAINNE!" Ditzy shouted, spraying spittle and gems into Rarity's face.

"Right," Rarity said with a frown. "Good improvement, but maybe we should move on to the next step."

The room was lit with candles and a roll of rice paper was laid out on the floor. Rarity gestured to the paper. "You must walk across this rice paper and leave no hoofprint."

Spike crossed his arms and gave a huff. "I hate to say this, but I'm starting to think Rarity's just making this stuff up."

"Well, it makes some sense at least," Twilight said.

Ditzy took a single step on the rice paper and instantly tripped, the paper tearing and wrapping around her body as she screamed desperately. She rolled across the floor and crashed through the window. The other three winced as they heard a thud a moment later.

"Well… that was…" Rarity paused, searching for the right word. "Something."

Later, after they had cleaned Ditzy up a bit, Rarity had her sitting on a cushion surrounded by incense. "Alright, darling," she said. "I'm a master of the sewing needle, as you know, but I learned a little something about acupuncture from an old dragon-pony from the East."

"There are… dragon-ponies?" Spike said with a goofy grin on his face as he looked longingly at Rarity. "As in… dragons and ponies…?"

"Spike," Twilight scolded. "Ideas. Stop having them."

"Now," Rarity said as she grabbed a few needles between her teeth. "This should bring all your physical systems into balance, and hopefully this will suffice to cause you to stop breaking my windows." She stuck one needle into the blonde pegasus' shoulder and the mare gave a yelp of surprise as her body went rigid. "Now, dear, don't overreact." She placed another needle in Ditzy's neck, causing her head to suddenly loll unnaturally to the side. "Hmm… now, I don't recall that happening before." Rarity shrugged and placed another needle in Ditzy's elbow, causing the walleyed pony's leg to jerk back and hoof Rarity right in the face.

"It's okay Ditzy," Twilight said as she horned through her book. "Rarity did say she would be happy to try again later…"

"After she gets over the embarrassment of that black eye you gave her," Spike added. "At least she and AJ finally have something in common."

"Spike…" Twilight said.

"She'll probably want to get those scorch marks in her mane fixed, too," Spike went on.

Twilight glared at her assistant. "Not helping, Spike."

"There has to be something I can do," Ditzy said sadly.

Twilight felt her heart breaking for the poor pegasus. Surely Rainbow Dash could forgive her by now. It had been a month since the thunderstorm catastrophe. Then her eyes drifted back to her book it was as if she'd been struck. "Wait… I have it!"

"Huh?" Ditzy asked.

Twilight smiled broadly. She'd been studying this book for the entire time she'd been trying to help Ditzy, and it had never occurred to her. How could she have been so blind? "I know exactly what to do to help you become the best pony you can be!"

Rainbow Dash lay around lazily in the cloud filled sky. It had been a calm month. No weather disasters or random objects falling on her head unless one included Pinkie. She hadn't realized how much extra work Derpy had actually caused. She could get used to this.

Still, she couldn't help feeling guilty. She hadn't really meant what she'd said. She was just angry. If Derpy had come back by now, Rainbow knew she'd have found an excuse to give the gray mare her job back, not to mention visitation rights. She wanted to go find her and apologize right now, but her loyalty to her friend warred with her pride.

Suddenly, a streak in the air roused her from her gray thoughts. "What was that?" She wondered.

As if response, the blur arched back toward her and looped about in a fancy pattern before setting down gracefully on a nearby cloud in a perfect pose.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. Standing on that cloud was a pegasus mare with a shiny gray coat and luxuriant blonde hair. She was wearing a simple, streamlined violet dress and her dark purple eyeshadow complemented her light golden eyes, both of which were focused solely on her. Rainbow felt her heart stop for an instant as she looked into those intense eyes. "D-Derp...?"

"Hush, darling," Ditzy said with a sultry grin. "Really, Rainbow, there's no need to be so gauche. You may call me Mademoiselle Doo."

Rainbow crinkled her brow with confusion. "Rari...?" but then shook it off. "Alright 'Mademoiselle Doo,' you put on a good show. I guess I'll let you back on the weather team as long as you try to stay out of too much trouble."

"Oh, dear," Mademoiselle Doo said. "I do believe you still lack confidence in my ability."

Rainbow gave her a skeptical stare. "Well..."

"I've a proposition, Crash," she said, ignoring the blue pony's eye twitch. "It's a rather cloudy day, hm? How fast would you say you could clear this?"

Rainbow looked around and laughed cockily. "This? Ten sec-"

"Seconds flat, yes," Ditzy said. "Well... go for it."

"Huh?" Rainbow was very confused, now. She thought Ditzy was trying to prove herself, not have Rainbow Dash prove herself.

"Unless your boasts overreach your means," Mademoiselle Doo said.

"I'm not 100% sure what that means, but that sounded like a challenge! Alright..." The rainbow-maned pegasus reared up and dashed off. She sped to the first cloud, but in a flash of blonde, it was gone. Not thinking too hard about it, she zipped to the next one, but that vanished before her eyes as well. One-by-one all the clouds in the sky were cleared. Rainbow Dash hung in midair, stunned speechless.

Mademoiselle Doo floated down into her line of sight with a smug look on her face. "Five... seconds... flat!" She said as she primped her hair and dress, which had remained flawlessly arranged.

Rainbow Dash smiled widely. "That… that was awesome, Der… uh, Mademoiselle Doo! How did you… what did you…?"

"All it took," Mademoiselle Doo said. "Was a little dedication, hard work, and a good friend to help."

"Well, I have to say, I'm really impressed with you right now," Rainbow Dash said. "Heck, if you keep this up, I may even promote you to assistant manager!" She looked pensive for a moment. "Though… I have to ask… what's wrong with your eyes?"

"Pardon?"

Rainbow coughed uncomfortably. "Well… it's been, like, five minutes and you haven't looked at me all crazy-eyed even once."

Mademoiselle Doo laughed delicately. "Oh, my, Rainbow, that would hardly be ladylike."

Rainbow Dash chuckled as she said, "You just beat me at cloud sweeping. That's not exactly ladylike…"

"Oh, pish-tosh," Mademoiselle Doo said, turning her nose up haughtily and patting Rainbow Dash condescendingly on the head. "Just because you can't manage it gracefully doesn't mean one can't be athletic and lady-like at the same time."

Rainbow Dash was starting to feel a strange churning in her stomach as Mademoiselle Doo spoke. She wasn't too familiar with it as of late, but it didn't take too long to recall what had been a very accustomed feeling in her foalhood: inadequacy. But, no, she thought. She should be proud of her friend for achieving her goals, not wallowing in self-pity because she seemed to be somehow… better than her. "I'm… I'm happy for you… Mademoiselle Doo."

"Indeed!" the posh pony said with a genuine smile and a flutter of her eyelashes. "Well, what do you say we go back to your place and I can bake you some muffins? You know, a sort of celebratory thing."

Rainbow Dash smiled uncertainly, "Oh, um… I dunno…" she still remembered last time Derpy had tried to cook. Then again, this was Mademoiselle Doo, who seemed to be incapable of doing wrong. "Oh, what the hay. Sure, let's go."

Within the hour, Rainbow Dash was salivating over a freshly baked pan of rainbow swirl muffins. Mademoiselle Doo smiled sweetly at her and said, "Now, Rainbow, don't eat them too quickly. They are hot."

Rainbow Dash did her best to follow those instructions, but the smell of the muffins was too tempting, and she ended up devouring the whole panful. "Ow, I thing I burned my thoungue," she complained.

"I did tell you," Mademoiselle Doo said as she wiped Rainbow's mouth with an embroidered hoofkerchief. "And you got crumbs all over your muzzle. You are a mess, my dear." She winked. "But don't worry. I'll take good care of you."

Rainbow wasn't sure how to feel about that. However, her anxiety was put to rest as Mademoiselle Doo trot behind her and began to work her hooves into Rainbow's back. She was about to protest, but the sudden wave of relaxation that washed over her stole the objections out of her mouth.

"Ooh, darling, you are so tense," Mademoiselle Doo said. "I cannot abide you suffering like this. Oh, idea!" She puckered her lips and began to whistle, reproducing almost perfectly the sounds of various birdcalls.

"What are you…?" Rainbow started to say lethargically. Birds suddenly flew into her cloud home and twittered at Mademoiselle Doo. "What are these birds doing in my house?"

Mademoiselle Doo whistled at the birds and they began to fly about collecting brushes while a couple others grabbed some files in their beaks and began to file her hooves. "No… no, this is… too marey. I can't…"

"Don't fret, dear," Mademoiselle Doo said as she redoubled her efforts on Rainbow's aching muscles. "I will take absolute care of you. You won't have to lift a hoof."

"Well…" Rainbow said after a moment. "I guess this isn't so bad. As long as nopony knows about this. Ever."

"Of course," Mademoiselle Doo said with a pleased smile.

Rainbow Dash reclined comfortably in a fluffy white cloud. Mademoiselle Doo had prepared it for her and it was surprisingly softer than most other clouds. As relaxing as last month's work had been without Derpy, this month's was even better. The increased competence of her formerly most disastrous worker had been so profound that she could actually take care of most problems that arose before Rainbow Dash even registered them. And, of course, being waited on hoof and hoof was nice, too. She paused to consider the oddness of that phrase, but then put it out of her mind and opened her mouth to let one of Mademoiselle Doo's avian friends plop another grape into her mouth. Another was fanning her with its wings to keep her comfortably cool on this warm day.

"Y'know," she said to herself. "With all this free time, I should really put in some training. I'll be in shape to join the Wonderbolts for sure!" She got to her hooves and prepared to launch herself off the cloud when suddenly she was impeded by her number one weathermare. "Whoa! What's going on?"

"Rainbow!" Mademoiselle Doo said. "What are you doing? You should really lay back down and relax."

"I've… I've been relaxing," Rainbow Dash said. "I'm just gonna stretch my wings a little."

"Oh, no dear," Mademoiselle Doo said. "You really shouldn't. Remember what happened when you went to 'stretch your wings' last week?"

Rainbow cringed in embarrassment. "That… that was… I don't know what went wrong with that trick, but you gotta crash a few times before you can make progress."

Mademoiselle Doo scooped Rainbow up into her embrace and said, "Oh, darling, I simply could not live with myself if you got hurt because I let you go gallivanting out on your own. I mean, you're so… so accident prone."

"I… I guess," Rainbow said, a little lost as Mademoiselle Doo continued to snuggle the Wonderbolt-hopeful.

"Now please promise me that you'll lay back right here and not do anything rash," Mademoiselle Doo said.

Rainbow settled back into the cloud, a bit unsettled at her athletic pursuits being stymied. However, Mademoiselle Doo was just so caring and kind, she could hardly say "no." With that, the blonde pegasus nodded in approval and fluttered off. The blue pony languished in luxury for a while longer, but she could feel herself growing more and more agitated with her inactivity.

It was then that Rainbow noticed a strange quality to the clouds around her, as well as the wind picking up. She could feel something was wrong with the weather in her feathers, and she began to tingle with excitement as she looked around for the problem. Then she saw it. A funnel was slowly descending from the heavens and from the looks of it, it would head straight for Ponyville. She leaped off the cloud and made a beeline for the tornado. "Finally! Time for some action!"

When Rainbow got there, however, a whole host of pegasi were already there, with Mademoiselle Doo taking point. "Alright, everyone from Cloudchaser to the right go high. Left of Cloudchaser, go low. Remember to fly counter to the rotation and don't go directly into the funnel. Move out!"

Rainbow Dash frowned as her pegasi saluted the blonde and made for the twister. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Oh, darling!" Mademoiselle Doo said sweetly. "I have everything under control. You just go relax."

"No way!" Rainbow protested. "This is what I'm here for. I'm going in." She flew past the bubble-marked mare and straight into the tornado with Mademoiselle Doo following closely behind. "Alright, ponies, let's get to work!" she shouted over the wind, feeling the need to reassert her authority.

"Oh, my dear," Mademoiselle Doo said chidingly. "You really mustn't do this. After all, I'm more than capable of doing the work of two of you."

Rainbow grit her teeth at the cocky assertion and put her wings into overdrive. Mademoiselle Doo pulled ahead quickly, infuriating Rainbow even more. She couldn't let that clumsy pegasus get away with showing her up like this. She tried to shave off some distance by edging ever closer to the funnel. Recklessly close, on might say. In fact, in her competitive drive to close the gap, she clipped her wing on the edge of the tornado. Hitting oncoming wind blowing at 200mph when one is, oneself, traveling at approximately the same speed is effectively similar to hitting a brick wall at about 400mph. Rainbow could certainly believe that as she found herself suddenly buffeted back, slamming into other ponies as she made her round about the twister before being forcefully ejected in a screaming equine ball and smashing into the ground.

"Cover that instability!" Mademoiselle Doo was shouting as she coped with the sudden loss of several ponies. She picked up her own speed and in a matter of moments their counter spiral had enough momentum to cancel out the tornado.

The other pegasi cheered and lifted Mademoiselle Doo into the air—or, at least, they lifted her further into the air than she was—and carried her off chanting her name. "Oh, Rainbow," Mademoiselle Doo said. "You should really just go home and relax! I'll be there in two shakes of a pony's tail!"

"Yeah, Rainbow Crash," One of the ponies she had brought on her sudden trip to the ground said crossly as she dusted herself off and lifted off to join the others. "Maybe you should just go home."

To be continued...

DITZY DON'T
~ BICO

ACT III: BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Rainbow Dash sulked in her cloudy bed. She couldn't believe that her friend—Derpy, of all ponies—had shown her up so spectacularly. Not only that, but it had made her look like a complete foal. What could she do about this?

"Oh, Dashie!" Mademoiselle Doo called as she kicked the front door to Rainbow's house in. "Darling, you look absolutely wretched. Do buck up, will you? I have some wonderful news." She pranced in front of the glowering Rainbow Dash. "Guess who's just been made Captain of the Ponyville Weather Team. That's right, it's moi!"

While the rest of her body maintained her despondent slump, Rainbow's eyes bugged out of her head. "I see…" she said with a calmness that belied her fury. "I'm very happy for you, Mademoiselle Doo."

"Quite," Mademoiselle Doo said. "And don't you worry about a thing. I've made sure you won't have to worry about the weather ever again."

"Oh?" Rainbow said, still frighteningly calm. "What did you do?"

"I told them that you're in no condition to be working as a weathermare," Mademoiselle Doo said. She picked Rainbow up and positioned her on her cumulous bed, and then she pulled the cloud cover over her. "I'm going to be taking care of you, Rainbow." She touched her muzzle to her former boss's. "For… ev… er."

A blood vessel burst in Rainbow's left eye, but she remained unresponsive.

"Well, then!" Mademoiselle Doo said, leaping up from the bed and trotting into the kitchen. "I'm going to go make you some of those delicious rainbow-swirl muffins you like so much. Ooh, we can throw a party. A Doo/Dash Best Friends Forever party! We'll be the only two invited, of course, but that will make it just so much better!"

As Mademoiselle Doo continued to ramble on in the kitchen, Rainbow calmly threw off the cloud cover, got to her hooves, and bolted out the door… without bothering to open it first.

Spike flexed his tiny draconic muscled in the mirror and studied his sculpted, baby-like form. "Lookin' good, Spike," he told his reflection. "Lookin' reeeeal good."

At that moment, somepony began to pound on the door franticly, shouting "Twilight! Twilight, you get your big egg head out here, I've got problems!"

Spike sighed and went to the door, opening it casually. He opened his mouth to speak, but a blue pegasus pushed past him and into the library, swinging her head around to try to find her anticipated savior. The purple dragon dusted himself off and said, "Like I was about to say, Twilight's not here right now."

"What?" Rainbow screamed. "She can't be gone. I need her help right now!"

"Calm down, Dash," Spike said. "What's the problem?"

"The problem is Mademoiselle D—augh, I mean Derpy," Rainbow said. "First she comes back and she's, like, 87% cooler than she was, but then she's all like, 'lookit how cool I am' and shows me up in front of everyone, and now she's starting to really creep me out." She took a deep breath at the end of her rapid-fire explanation.

"Whoa," Spike said. "This is about Ditzy Doo?"

"Yes!"

"So…" Spike said, scratching the scales on the back of his scales nervously. "You don't like the new her?"

"No!"

"Oh," Spike said. He crossed his arms. "Well, that's too bad."

Rainbow scowled. "Too ba—that's an understatement." Then she stopped as something clicked. "Wait… do you… do you know something about what's happened to her?"

"Whatever gives you that idea?" Spike asked with a high pitched squeak that bespoke deep guilt.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Just call it a hunch."

"Okay," Spike conceded. "Twilight really wanted to help fix Ditzy's problem, so we took her around to all our friends to see if they could teach her to be… you know… less ditzy."

"Yeah," Rainbow said flatly. "I'm guessing that didn't go so well."

Spike shook his head. "No, not really. Anyway, Twilight had an idea. See, she was studying some new spells from this book…" He went over to one of the library's shelves and withdrew a book with the name Magical Mimicry on the cover.

"Oh, no…" Rainbow said. "Did she turn Rarity into Derpy?"

"No!" Spike said, aghast. He could hardly imagine anyone sullying the white unicorn's beauty by changing her even one iota from her perfect self, after all. "No, we changed Ditzy."

"What?" Rainbow said. "How?"

"Well," Spike said, settling into the same kind of egghead lecturer voice with which Twilight often lulled Rainbow Dash to sleep. "One particular spell allows someone to mimic certain talents or personality traits of another pony perfectly."

"So…" Rainbow said. "Derpy's just acting like Rarity because of some spell?"

"Not just Rarity," Spike said. "Twilight decided to make sure the spell cured every ditzy bone in Ditzy's body. She wanted to give her Rarity's grace and fashion sense, Fluttershy's kindness and caring, Pinkie Pie's cooking ability, and Applejack's athleticism."

Rainbow Dash pondered this revelation, and her eyes widened with horror. "Spike… just how specific is this spell in… giving ponies others' traits?"

"Um... it didn't sound very specific," Spike said, flipping the book open. "It just says here that the spell will give anypony the personality and skills of anypony else, and can be broken by a command word created by the caster during spelling..."

Rainbow considered this. "So... Derpy has all the personality traits of our friends rolling around in her head?" She began to feel a panic building inside her. "Even... even..."

An epiphany struck Spike. "Even the bad ones."

The door began to pound once again. "Rainbow!" Mademoiselle Doo's voice called urgently. "Rainbow, I know you're in there!" Her voice became lower pitched and she said, "Yeah, I saw you come in. I told the lovely and charming Mademoiselle Doo everything!"

Rainbow Dash and Spike locked eyes. They instantly recognized and affirmed each other's cold fear. They bolted as the banging on the door got louder and more violent. They were scrambling up the stairs when the door splintered and then shattered under the force of Mademoiselle Doo's powerful hind hooves. She leaped into the room with wild eyes, towing a stack of rocks and a piece of cloud sculpted into a misshapen pony head. "You! Will! LOVE ME!"

"Go, go, go!" Rainbow urged the baby dragon. "Okay, Spike, where is Twilight right now? She's gotta fix this!"

"Well," Spike said as they reached the top of the stairs. "She had to get some ingredients for some experiment she's working on, so she went to the Everfree Forest to see Zecora."

"Zecora!" Rainbow Dash said. "Perfect. We have to get there, fast." She pushed open a window and prepared to launch herself out, but then paused. "Wait... she's faster than I am." She scowled. "How is she faster than me, anyway? Applejack's a good match at a ground race, but..."

"Oh, well," Spike said. "I guess it's some combination of that and our other friends' traits. Like Rarity's gracefulness, or..."

"Or Pinkie Pie's ability to get where I'm going before I do even though she doesn't have wings?" Rainbow said.

"Yeah, something like that," Spike said.

Rainbow turned in horror as she heard hoofsteps coming up the stairs. "Rainbow... Rainbow Craaaash. Come out and play."

"We... we need some kind of distraction, Spike," Rainbow said.

"Distraction... distraction." Spike pondered this.

A deformed pony head made of cloudstuff suddenly peeked from around the corner, and in a high pitched voice screeched, "Heeeeere's Misty!" Mademoiselle Doo joined her, along with her rock companion, a few moments later. "Misty, you mustn't startle ponies like tha-"

"Behold!"

"What's this?" Mademoiselle Doo said with the utmost fascination.

Spike unfurled his cape with a flourish and green smoke billowed around him. "I am Spikini, the Great and Powerful! Witness with awe my powers of prestidigitation and my astounding slights of claw!"

"Ooooh." Mademoiselle Doo sat on her haunches and stage whispered to the rock, "Look at that moustache, Rocky. I've always sort of had a thing for dragons with moustaches."

"I will now shock and amaze you with one of my most shocking... and amazing tricks!" Spikini said with a quiet tension in his voice that made Mademoiselle Doo, Misty, and Rocky lean forward in their metaphorical seats. "For this trick I shall require my beautiful assistant, Dash the Incredible!"

Rainbow Dash trot out wearing a sparkling gold dress and a winning smile. "How did you talk me into this?" she whispered to Spikini through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash!" Mademoiselle Doo exclaimed. "I didn't know you were a showpony!"

Rainbow's expression soured momentarily, but she threw up her game face again. She knew they'd have to make this look natural. Somehow.

Spikini rolled out a curtain and obscured Rainbow from view. "Now, for my most amazing and shocking trick-"

"I thought it was shocking and amazing," Mademoiselle Doo interrupted.

"Er..." Spike hesitated. "Yes. My most shocking and amazing trick... I will cause my lovely assistant to... disapear!"

Mademoiselle Doo and her friends gasped in horror. "No! You can't make my Dashy-washy disappear!"

Spike paused. "... and then... reappear again!"

"Ohhhh," Mademoiselle Doo said with renewed excitement.

"Now with the magic words," Spike said. "Equum defluo!" He blew green flame behind the curtain, causing smoke to billow out. "And, presto!" He ripped the curtain down to reveal that Dash had indeed vanished.

"Ahhhh!" Mademoiselle Doo clopped her hooves together in delight. "That was simply marvelous! Now… bring her back!"

Spikini held up a claw. "Patience, fillies and gentle...objects. In order to bring my lovely assistant back from the mysterious beyond, I'll need a volunteer from the audience."

"Ooh, ooh!" Misty made her desire known through squeaks and squeals while Mademoiselle Doo waved a hoof in the air excitedly. Rocky remained ambivalent, muttering, "She can stay gone if ya ask me. Last time we met she knocked my rock off."

"You, Mademoiselle Doo," Spikini said. "Come on down. For my next trick, we employ the Crate of Binding!"

"'Crate of Binding'?" Mademoiselle Doo asked suspiciously.

"As in 'binding two BFFs together... forever!" Spike said.

"Oh, okay!" Mademoiselle Doo said brightly. She stepped into the pony-sized crate and Spikini closed it upcand quickly began to seal it with a hammer and nails and then wrapped thick chains around it. He then tossed off his hat and cape, his claws lingering a moment on the moustache before ripping it off as well. "Alright, time to get out of here before Ditzy catches wise." With that, he made his way down the stairs and out the door.

"Spikini?" Mademoiselle Doo asked from the box. "Spikini the Great and Powerful, what's going on? Is this part of the trick?" A minute lapsed in silence before Rocky growled "I think you been had."

Rainbow Dash shot over Everfree Forest like lightning. She could hardly believe Spike's plan had worked. Once he had covered her with his smoke, she'd just flown right out the window. She only hoped he managed to hold her up long enough for her to reach Zecora's house.

It wasn't long before she saw the zebra's modest home and a familiar purple unicorn leaving it with a wave goodbye to its occupant. "Twilight!" she shouted, dive bombing the magical mare.

"Augh! Rainbow Dash, what are you doing? Get off!" Twilight said, struggling to get out of the pegasus' pin.

"Twilight, your spell messed Derpy's head up worse than ever," she replied. "You have to fix this."

"What?" Twilight asked. "What's wrong with Ditzy Doo? She seemed fine when I saw her last..."

Rainbow glared accusingly at the unicorn.

"Okay," Twilight said. "I thought something like this might happen."

"And you did it anyway," Rainbow said.

"Well," Twilight said. "It was a… last resort. Besides, I thought I'd figured out how to layer the personalities properly. I guess the interaction of four different personalities must have caused some kind of… meltdown?"

Rainbow stared at Twilight for a long moment before answering, "You could say that."

"Okay," Twilight said. Rainbow let her rise to her hooves and she shook some of the dirt out of her mane. "This is actually a simple fix. The spell can be broken if it goes out of control by saying a simple phrase, chosen by the caster. That is: me."

"Yeah, Spike told me," Rainbow said irritably. "So what is it?"

Twilight smirked. "I don't think it's a phrase you could say, Rainbow."

The the multi-color maned pony rolled her eyes and said, "Just tell me what it is, already."

"Oh, alright," Twilight said, still giving the blue pegasus a bemused grin. "It's—"

"Twiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiight!" a familiar voice screamed as a small purple blur streaked into the clearing.

"Spike!" Twilight said. "What's going on?"

"She's coming!" Spike said hysterically. "She's going to get us!"

"Calm down, Spike," the purple unicorn said. "Who's coming?"

Rainbow snorted as she heard the flapping of pegasus wings. "Who do you think?"

"Geronimo!" Rocky shouted as his component rocks flew out of the trees. Rocky's alleged head hit Twilight square in her horn, knocking her out cold.

"Horseapples!" Rainbow cursed.

"I have you now, Rainbow!" Mademoiselle Doo declared.

"Listen," Rainbow Dash said as she slowly backed away from the approaching pony. "You don't want to do this."

"Oh, don't I?" the gray mare said with a sneer. "And why not? Don't you want to be taken care of?"

Rainbow Dash frowned. "Well, yeah it's okay sometimes, but… I mean, the way you're doing it is just demeaning! Sure I can be messy and sure I messed up on that tornado, but that doesn't mean you can treat me like a dumb foal. Do you have any idea how that…?" She trailed off.

"I do," the blonde pegasus said coldly. "Now come on home with me." Misty popped up from behind her and added, "Yeah, and we'll make you cupcakes!"

The way Misty said that really put Rainbow Dash on edge. Then again, she'd had some bad dreams about cupcakes. She shook her head. "No, listen Derp… I mean… Ditzy Doo… I know I haven't been treating you all that well. Maybe I've been a little… well… a lot… condescending. And that was wrong of me, because even though you're pretty clumsy sometimes, you're also one of the bravest, kindest, and most self-sacrificing ponies I've ever met. And that's why you're one of my very best friends."

"And we'll be friends for… ev… er," Mademoiselle Doo declared.

"Right…" Rainbow said. She sighed. "Okay… I guess what I'm trying to say is… Ditzy, I'm sorry."

The bubble marked mare halted as if she'd just run into an invisible barrier, and her body began to glow softly. She then glowed more and more brightly until Dash had to avert her eyes from the glare. Then, almost as quickly the light faded.

"It's okay, Rainbow Dash," Ditzy said happily.

Rainbow beamed and galloped to her friend, scooping her up into a big hug. "Ditzy, you don't know how happy I am to hear your honest-to-goodness voice again!"

Ditzy blushed when Rainbow released her and said, "Sorry, Rainbow Dash. I guess even when I got all graceful I still managed to mess things up."

Rainbow Dash smiled at the other pegasus. "Nah, that wasn't you."

"Ohh…" Twilight groaned. "I… I see you managed to find the phrase, after all. Didn't think you had it in you to actually apologize to the poor filly, Dash. Much less use her real name."

"Yeah," Rainbow said. "Well, I guess you didn't know me as well as you thought."

"And you didn't know Ditzy as well as you thought, either," Twilight said. "Did you?"

"I… guess not," Rainbow Dash said. "Ya know, I guess I did learn something about friendship today…"

"Spike?" Twilight said.

"On it," the baby dragon replied, whipping out a quill and a piece of parchment. He looked up at Rainbow expectantly.

"Um… which… I'll tell you all about later," Rainbow Dash said. "Right now, I have to break the 'bad' news to the weather team." She frowned. "Oh, it will be bad news for them alright." Then she zipped into the air, leaving the others behind.

"We'll get her later, Spike," Twilight said.

"Well," Ditzy said, "I guess I learned something about friendship, too…"

"Oh, really?" Twilight asked. "Well, I guess you're a friend, too, so…"

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi, I'm Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy. Rainbow Dash is one of my best friends even though she sometimes gets mad at me because I'm so clumsy. Not long ago, she got really mad at me for some trouble I caused and I tried to change to make her happy. Well, I learned that while it's not bad to improve yourself, you should never change who you are to please anyone else. I may be clumsy, my eyes may not point the same direction all the time, and my voice may sound a little coltish, but that's what makes me who I am.

Your loyal subject,

Ditzy "Derpy" Doo

End.