Romance and the Fate of Equestria

The "Human in Equestria" genre might be a bit outdated in light of, well, you know. Which I've finally managed to see. Wonderful movie, gets me every time. Anyway, in spite of that, I figure that introducing a bit of the traditional Lyra-related speculation for it will be the perfect way to display phase two of my exceedingly "special" Lyra and Bon Bon interpretation. There aren't more than two phases, don't worry.

Chapter Forty-Eight

Twilight and Spike walked down the streets of Ponyville, laden by shopping bags. Rainbow darted past and started weaving around them.

"Hey, you guys," she said.

Twilight smiled. "Hi, Rainbow. What's up?"

"Hmm… bored," Rainbow grumbled. "Still don't know what to do. There are too many hours in a day, man, and only so many can be spent practicing for next year's Wonderbolt application. Trying to make the time meaningful. Hey Spike, think I can borrow you for a little adventure?"

"That sounds like fun," Spike said, shrugging. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I figure now's as good a time as any to go hunting for humans."

Twilight snorted and broke out in laughter.

"What… what are humans?" Spike said curiously.

"Twilight, you wanna take this one?" Rainbow said, looking over the guffawing unicorn.

"Ha, okay," Twilight muttered. "Well, Spike, it's said that humans are a species of great ape, closely related to the yeti and the sasquatch; physically feeble, but with a mastery over non-magical sciences such as, say, architecture."

"Oh," Spike said, his interest clearly piqued. "Cool!"

"They don't exist, Spike."

"Hey now," Rainbow objected. "That's what they used to say about the yeti and the sasquatch."

"Yes, yes, I accept the premise that, since two of the mythical great ape species have been proven to exist, so too might the third," Twilight said dismissively. "But come on… the other two species are solitary creatures that live in nigh-inhospitable environments, it makes sense that they avoided detection for so long. If humans exist, it isn't in Equestria."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, humans are supposed to be able to construct these massive, futuristic cityscapes. Not exactly easy to hide for all these centuries."

"Well… maybe their civilization has crumbled and the remaining humans are refugees living out in the wilderness," Rainbow suggested.

"You're… how can I put this charitably? Utterly delusional," Twilight said dryly.

"Really, Twilight? Really? You're still saying things don't exist? Even though whenever you say something like that, you're always wrong?"

Twilight was silent for a second, her mouth hanging open. "That's not true!" she finally said. "I've yet to see evidence of zombies. And don't go saying, 'oh, you've never seen any evidence of no zombies!' That's not valid science. That's called being obnoxious."

"Okay, well, I'm not so quick to dismiss it all as fake," Rainbow said brightly. "How about you, Spike? Care to do some research?"

"Yeah, I'm… I'm interested," Spike said, nodding eagerly.

"Well, the first thing we need to do is consult Lyra. She's a human expert."

Twilight doubled over with heaves of laughter once again. "A… a 'human expert'? Anypony can be a human expert! All you have to do is make stuff up!"

Rainbow tsked. "Still so closed-minded after all these years. Come on, Spike."

Twilight followed them. "You're actually going to do this? You're actually going to consult with Lyra about where to hunt for humans? This is utterly surreal. You don't even like Lyra."

"Who does? I can still exploit her for my purposes," Rainbow said briskly. "She'll be dying to spout all her expertise at me."

"All right, well I'm coming too, just to see what happens," Twilight said. "What do I know? There might be something to this. Where does she live, anyway?"

"That would be… right here," Rainbow said, darting over to a nondescript little house, just like any other in Ponyville.

She knocked on the door, and it was answered by Bon Bon, her eyelids heavy and her mane tangled, clearly having just rolled out of bed even though it was after noon.

"What's up?" she said, wiping her nose theatrically.

"Uh, hey," Rainbow said, suddenly seeming a bit less sure of herself. "We, uh, wanted to talk to Lyra."

Bon Bon coughed lazily. "That so? What about?"

"Well, um… Spike here wanted to learn a bit about humans," Rainbow said, placing her hooves on the dragon's shoulders.

"Wait, now it was my idea?" Spike muttered.

Bon Bon smirked derisively. "Yeah? Lyra'll be glad to hear that. Why don't you come on in?"

She opened the door and ushered them in. Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike stepped into the house and gasped. Bon Bon slammed the door behind them before they could retreat.

The front door led, not to an expansive welcoming area, but a narrow hallway that led all the way to the back wall. The floors of the hall were coated in white sand, while on the walls sat all manner of weaponry and torture devices, every one of which was heavily bloodstained.

"Family heirlooms," Bon Bon explained. "Purely decorative, of course."

"Of course," Twilight said nervously, sidestepping an iron maiden.

"You'll find Lyra down the hall," Bon Bon said, artfully kicking up sand with every step. "Come on."

She led them down the narrow hall, ducking under a spiky iron chandelier so wide that it scraped both walls. At the end of the hall, Bon Bon opened a door and grandly gestured for the three of them to proceed.

The room was circular, as was its rug, mostly red with sinister swirls of black, but multicolored in its depictions of ponies engaged in warfare, slaughter, and assassination. The walls were covered in bloody feathers, teeth of various creatures, and a multitude of lizard tails.

At the exact center of the room, Lyra lounged in a swivel chair seemingly made of half-melted swords. She spun in the seat to face the uneasy trio.

"Oh hey!" she said brightly. "What brings you guys around?"

"You're never gonna believe this, babe," Bon Bon drawled, "but they're studying humans."

"Ooh, you came to the right place," Lyra said, hopping out of the chair. "The humans are still in Equestria, you know, even after all these centuries. And when the uprising comes, they'll appreciate those of us who still believed in them." She put a hoof to her chest reverently. "And me? For devoting my life to preserving their memory, why, they'll make me their queen!"

"Now, babe, you don't really believe that, do you?" Bon Bon asked.

"I have to," Lyra said. "My ten-year plan kind of relies on it. I actually hoped it'd happen by now… anyway, what did you three want to know?"

"Uh…" Rainbow began. "Well, what do you think is the best place to go looking for them?"

"Oh, their influence is all around us, really," Lyra said dreamily. "But I'd recommend the Everfree Forest. I must thank you and your little gang… the Elements of whatever? You guys, anyway. I must thank you for probing the Everfree's secrets, or I'd never have known that it's prime human-hunting territory. Not unlike the castle of the royal sisters, their civilization has been overgrown by the unnatural magics that have crept into Equestria's borders… and stuff."

Lyra stared into space for a moment, then perked up. "Wouldn't you know it, I've got these old carvings…"

She rummaged around in a drawer and pulled out a large slab of bark. The etchings on the wood depicting a trio of big-toothed, savage apes armed with stone weapons.

"They've really fallen," Lyra said, caressing the hideous face of one of the carved humans. "They looked so much better when they were in their prime."

"What… what was that like?" Spike dared to ask.

"Ah, I think it would have been something to see," Lyra whispered. "They had scooters that propelled themselves with the strength of many horses. They flew from coast to coast, continent to continent, in huge silver ships that rode above the clouds and would have left Celestia's famous fleet of sky triremes in the dust! And once—only once—they sent a ship fuelled by flame and chemicals straight up into the sky, all the way to the moon, where they landed, disembarked, and walked around a bit before returning to Equestria, just to say that they could! Their ultimate downfall came soon after."

Twilight scoffed and leaned toward Rainbow Dash. "Now, come on, even if you believe in humans, you couldn't possibly believe that," she whispered.

"Yeah, that one's a bit much," Rainbow admitted.

"And their sandwiches!" Lyra went on. "They ground up the flesh of deer, cattle, and buffalo and slapped cheese on it and sizzled it up, and it was so unbelievably fatty, the science of it is just—wait a minute, you don't believe the moon thing? How appropriate. Neither did most of the humans."

"If you could get an airship to the moon, how do you explain that they got off the ship and walked on the moon's surface?" Twilight demanded. "There's no atmosphere on the moon, and it's impossibly cold."

"They wore these suits that encased their bodies completely, keeping them warm and giving them an air supply," Lyra said hastily.

"I do believe you made that up, just now," Bon Bon said dryly.

"Well, it must be true, because nothing else makes sense," Lyra said desperately.

Rainbow shrugged. "Well, thanks for the pointers anyway, Lyra. We'll just head out, and…" She paused, noticing a black-and-white framed photo on a dresser around the room's edge. "Ooooh… hey, Bon Bon, isn't this your aunt Bluestreak?"

"That's her all right," Bon Bon said, nodding at the glamorous young unicorn in the photo.

"Aw, that is so cool," Rainbow said, displaying the photo to Twilight and Spike. "You guys have heard of Bluestreak, right? Big-time stage actress… one of Equestria's first movie stars, too. I've seen all of her movies. Wouldn't it have been great to see her onstage?"

"I did once, long ago," Bon Bon whispered. "She's the whole reason Lyra and I got into show business… my dear old auntie."

"…Who is also my mother," Lyra said brightly.

Twilight glanced at the picture, then processed that last statement and did a double-take at Lyra. "Wait… you two are cousins?"

"Um, yeah, and we're also married, so what?" Bon Bon said condescendingly, sidling up to Lyra and wrapping an arm around her. "We're both mares, it's not like we'll be mixing our genetics anytime soon."

"No, the previous generations did quite enough of that," Lyra said darkly. "We're probably quite a bit closer than cousins…"

"Yeah, see, our family has always had a rich history of inbreeding 'on the down-low'," Bon Bon said. "And by 'rich' I mean not rich at all. Very thin, actually. Thin blood."

"It's almost impressive how susceptible to disease we are," Lyra chattered, perking up from her brooding state almost instantly.

"I catch a new kind of fever and delirium almost every day," Bon Bon added, rubbing the side of her head. "I've learned to ignore it and just go about my life now matter how sick I am."

Rainbow backed away. "Yeah, and that's… pretty sick."

"Oh, look who suddenly thinks she can judge us," Bon Bon sneered. "Thing is, our upbringing—"

"Ooooooh, the upbringing," Lyra squeaked, flinching painfully. "With the chains and the cages—and the knives, the knives with the lovely patented double-D edge!"

"Indeed," Bon Bon said gently. "And it left us in enough of a state that we could never be comfortable dating anypony who wasn't a blood relative. Every day we give thanks to the princesses that the right blood relative was out there." She kissed the top of Lyra's head.

"And there aren't any relatives of ours still living, so the cycle ends with us," Lyra said. "Well, in a sense. We will be leaving something of ourselves behind."

"Yes, because in fact, our upbringing—"

"Gah, stop saying that word!"

"Sorry," Bon Bon muttered. She started pacing the floor, circling around Spike, Rainbow, and Twilight. "Anywho, we managed to grow up with an outsider's perspective on Equestria. The system is surprisingly navigable if you look at it our way."

"Ooh, that's right!" Lyra agreed, circling around in the other direction. "You wouldn't believe us if we told you how many strings we're pulling behind the scenes of this joint. The 'joint' being the entire social structure of Equestria."

"I agree, we probably wouldn't believe you," Twilight said. "Well… I think that Spike, Rainbow, and I will be heading off now. Lots of business to take care of…"

"Oh, silly us, going off on a tangent like that!" Lyra said. "You wanted to learn about humans."

"You know, I think we have enough data on the subject," Twilight said, ushering the other two out.

"Oh, I see!" Lyra sneered at their retreating backs. "You don't believe they exist. Fine, see if I care. When they take over and we believers are allowed to integrate into their society, there'll be a special breed coming after you… the solitary young males who live on the outskirts of human civilization. It's said that they love ponies… and I mean they reeeeeeeally love ponies."

"Mm mm mm," Bon Bon said seductively.

Twilight pushed Rainbow and Spike out the door before diving out herself and kicking it shut behind her. "Okay, let's never speak of that again," Twilight said. "I mean… we'll tell all our friends, of course, but then we'll never speak of it again."

"Well… I do feel kind of sorry for them now, you know?" Rainbow said, looking back at the now so innocuous house. "It's not their fault they're nuts…"

"Still…" Twilight muttered.

"Look, they don't do anything illegal or harmful, and they're pretty much ostracized anyway," Rainbow said. "What do you intend to do about them, exactly? Just leave them be."

Twilight sighed. "Yeah, okay. Spike, I'm sorry you ever had to see the inside of that house full of crazy. From everything I ever knew about those two and their… 'jerkitude'… I should have expected them to be completely guano."

"Guano?" Rainbow said blankly. "Um, heh, any chance you meant to say batsh—?"

"I know what the expression is, I'm just trying to class it up a bit," Twilight said. "I… hope you two don't still pursue the whole 'humans' thing."

"Nah, that pretty much put me off," Spike muttered.

"Yeah, me too," Rainbow said. "Shame, it was all I had on my plate today."

"Well, I could pick up a few books on the subject," Twilight said thoughtfully. "Let you know if I see any leads."

"You don't have to do that," Rainbow assured her.

"Ah. Then I won't."

"Okay, good."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

So there you have it. If chapter 43 was to establish Lyra and Bon Bon as pseudo-villains, this one is to show just how deeply it goes.

The way I see it, the environment they're used to and the ponies they became can be compared to any given character in, for instance, the movie 300, or the God of War series, or Game of Thrones. All settings where no one really qualifies as "good", very few qualify as "evil", but everyone is frickin' crazy (probably because most are inbred).

The world they inhabit, in their minds, is very different from the Equestria in which they actually live—which in my hands might have become a slightly "sexier" Equestria, but it's still Equestria. Unfortunately for Equestria, the social skills you learn growing up in a Song of Ice and Fire-esque setting can sometimes be transferable.

So there you have it. Remember this day, the day I took the few known traits of the One True Pairing and turned them into a duo of feverish, raving, not-quite-villains. As always, please steal.