Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Today's special feature, a random pet peeve I have about fandoms: fans who somehow use the wrong form of address for a character. It's not something that happens very often (it scarcely seems possible, after all) but when it happens it's pretty egregious.

Case in point: every time I see someone refer to Draco Malfoy as "Draco", I get a little pissed off… which is not a great way to live, because I don't think there's a single fan who doesn't call him Draco. But if you read the books, it's pretty clear he's supposed to be referred to by his last name, with his first name only being used to prevent confusion when he and his father are in the same scene. It's my firm belief that any fan who calls him Draco should be written off as a poser, but every fan does it.

The same applies to Lightning McQueen being referred to as "Lightning". Cars was my first fandom, and I always called him McQueen in my old fics. Watch the films and it's clear that everyone who calls him Lightning is someone who doesn't know him, with people actually close to him calling him McQueen, making it clear that McQueen is the more respectful form of address. Indeed, it seems like everyone who calls him Lightning is canonically a poser, not just in my head. It doesn't help that a lot of media outside the films also failed to notice this…

It happens a bit in the MLP fandom too. Like, a character with a two-word name, people assume you can shorten it to just the first word, but… it doesn't always work that way. I can't think of any examples off the top of my head. Well, one from this story: Vorpal Blade. He's always "Vorpal Blade", never "Vorpal". Just FYI. A good equivalent would be if a character who is always called "Mary Alice" or "Billy Bob" in a story was called "Mary" or "Billy" by the fans. It's just wrong. (Edit: I've been reminded of a good canon example: Shining Armor. Some fans call him "Shining". That just don't works.)

So, that's my pet peeve. What I'm saying is, if a fictional character is exclusively referred to by their last name or by a two-word name… well, that's usually pretty conspicuous, so don't ignore it.

Also, Season 7 has come to a close, and here I am a mere two weeks after my previous update. Weekly updates are a pipe dream, I think, but I'll keep trying. Failing that, I think every two weeks is about as long as a gap could possibly be from this point on. Hold me to that.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Spike stood atop a ladder, re-shelving a few books, when Twilight pranced down the stairs, giggling to herself.

"Hey, Spike," she sang.

He grinned at her, delighted at how cheerful she was. "Hey, Twi. What's up? Anything I can do for you?"

"Oh, there's plenty you can do for me, Spike," she said, looking up at him with half-lidded eyes.

"Yeah?" he said, grabbing the side of the ladder with one claw and sliding down to the floor.

"Yes, indeed," she said, pouting at him. "I do have my needs…"

"What kind of needs?" Spike said cautiously.

"Mmmmm… I'm not always as composed and brilliant as I seem, Spike. Sometimes I need a little… boost."

"W-what are you saying?" said Spike.

Twilight leaned in very close to Spike, batting her eyelashes. "I need your big dictionary," she whispered.

"Oh," Spike squeaked. "Okay." He pushed the ladder to another point and ascended again. "I have never been so happy to hear the word 'tionary'…"

"What?" Twilight said blankly. Puzzling out what he had said, she shrieked "WHAT? Spike…"

"What, you weren't trying to prank me into thinking you were trying to seduce me?" Spike demanded.

"No!" Twilight gasped. "Oh… oh, gosh… ohhhh, sweet Celestia, I hear it now. I am so sorry, Spike. That must have been very uncomfortable."

"Oh, you think?"

"I didn't mean it at all like that," said Twilight, her ears drooping and her face flushing pink. "I guess… I just happen to be feeling kind of 'estrous-y' at the moment. Just got a letter from Joe, and I'm trying to compose my reply, and just thinking about him, I guess I'm just overcome with the desire to do… somepony. Anything that moves, really."

"Yeah, I get it," said Spike, nodding. "That's how I feel pretty much all the time."

Twilight scowled, only half-playfully. "Yeah, well, not yet, all right? You and Sweetie Belle, you take it slow."

"Oh, me take it slow," Spike grumbled, reaching the bottom of the ladder and offering her the dictionary. "You're… one to talk."

Twilight glared at him, refusing to take the book, waiting until his arm tired out and he lowered it. "Yeah, I'm still not ready to joke about that, Spike."

"Sorry…" he muttered.

She sighed and took the book from him. "I know I'm not exactly a romantic role model… I've only been with two stallions, but going purely by the patterns exhibited by those two relationships, it would seem I'm… kind of easy. Doesn't take much to get into my proverbial pants. Which is a weird proverb, I don't know what kind of oddball wears pants…"

"Sweetie Belle's mom wears pants."

"Does she? Weird. Anyway, so, yeah, I'm kind of a slut."

"Heh."

"Yeah," Twilight chuckled. "My libido is… not something I ever thought about in early life, but it went kind of wild when I first embarked on the whole romance project. If I'm ever single again, I'm probably going to take it poorly and sleep around, in all honesty."

"Well, it's good that you're faithful to Joe anyway," Spike offered. "It would be so easy to, you know…"

"Well, of course I am," said Twilight. "Faithful. Nothing is that tempting. To even consider… at least not to me. But look, Spike, about… sex in relationships… I guess you've noticed that both of my first times, both with Vorpal Blade and with Joe, what those days have in common are that I started the day not thinking that I would be having sex. It was really a snap decision with both of them. And that kind of spontaneity is… is fun, I guess, but a first time is better off… well-planned. Fluttershy and Big Macintosh tried to be spontaneous and she ended up kicking him out of bed. They did a lot better later, when they worked to plan and get on the same page, that's… that's when the magic happened."

Spike smiled. "Hey… I've waited for Sweetie Belle a long time. I'm just happy that I get to be close to her now. I don't need to get that close anytime soon." After a small pause, his smile vanished. "I'm… not gonna be with her forever, am I?"

"What?" Twilight said in surprise. "Well… hey, not a lot of ponies have found their true love at the age of thirteen, but—"

"No, I mean… even if she is the one… I'm gonna live a lot longer than her."

Twilight was silent for a moment. "Yeah," she finally said. "Yeah, you are. Dragons live a lot longer than ponies. Heck, dragons live longer than your average country, if estimates are correct. And I'm going to live a long time too, given my connections to the Elements of Harmony. That evasive romantic fantasy of growing old with somepony, that's… that's not going to be us. At least not in this generation. Sweetie Belle… Joe… Big Mac, Fancypants, Derpy… am I forgetting anypony? No, Applejack and Rarity are still single. That's weird when you think about it, those two, they have such charisma… anyway. All of our loves, they're… they're all going to die before we do, leaving us still relatively young and vibrant. And then, give it a couple hundred years, and then we'll all die too, leaving you. And then a few thousand years after that, however long dragons live, you're going to die, and then Celestia and Princess Luna will be left without anypony who remembers our little slice of history."

"Living a long time… sucks," Spike said solemnly. "It's gonna suck."

"Yeah, I'm sure it will," said Twilight. "Living forever, especially, must be a… there probably comes a time when it feels like nothing ever happens except change and loss. But you and I are still very young, Spike. We can muse about it all we like, but there's no sense dwelling on what that'll be like when we simply don't have the wisdom to know yet."

"Don't you go anywhere anytime soon," Spike said pitifully.

Twilight beamed. "I won't, Spike. You know me, I'm too stubborn to die before I've learned everything there is to know."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

Public thanks for the continued support of those who've been with me for all this time.

Murooj, I appreciate your more personal touch in supporting me. It's nice to occasionally chat when we do.

Also, 1st Dragon King, it's really nice to know you're still here, I hope you do eventually catch up again and reach, well, this message.

And there's pikachucat, who reviews every update without fail, even though they're all one-word reviews that simply say "awesome", it's awesome to have you. And those rare moments when you post one that says "awesome story" are some of the most affirming reviews I ever get, I feel like I've created something with a lot of scope when you go to that trouble, hehe. If you ever feel like saying more words to me, I'd love that, feel free to reach out.