Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Well, I apologize for that "see you in July" remark; I didn't expect you to take it as literally as you did. I didn't mean that this story will be completely offline until July, though I beyond appreciate how accepting you were of that notion. I just meant that you might have to suffer through monthly-ish updates until then. I'll be around. Then maybe… maybe I can go back to weekly after that. I can hope.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty

Atop a ladder, Spike ran his claw down a row of books, searching.

"No, not that one," Twilight called. "Higher up. That one—no, the big red one. Right there."

Spike pulled the large red book from the shelf, and glanced at it for a moment before staring down at her in suspicion. "Now, wait a minute, if you knew exactly where this was, why didn't you get it down yourself with magic? Without getting out of your seat or getting anypony else out of their seat?"

"You looked like you didn't have enough to do," Twilight said wryly.

"Touché," Spike replied. He slid down the ladder and brought the book to her. "Just been thinking about things, I guess."

"What kind of things?"

"Uh… like best friends," he said uncertainly.

"Ah," Twilight said knowingly. "Well, I know all about that! What specifically have you been thinking about?"

"Well, it's just… I've never really had a best friend," Spike muttered.

"No? I thought I was your best friend."

He smiled at her grimly. "Well, come on, you can't be my best friend. You're practically my mother."

She paused, gently drumming her hoof on the cover of the big red book and staring at its cover uncomprehendingly. "Sorry, I zoned out for a second," she said absently. "Could you repeat that?"

"You're practically my big sister."

"Ah, that's what I thought you said. Go on."

"You're… above me," Spike went on. "You outrank me. A best friend has to be a peer, an equal. And I know I'm not your best friend…" He hung his head.

"Spike…" Twilight said gently, pained. "If there was one thing in my life I could do over, I would want to be a better friend to you when we were younger, but can you honestly say that after all we've been through together we're not best friends?"

"You've got other best friends," he muttered. "I'm not like them." He breathed deeply.

"What are you getting at, Spike?" Twilight pleaded.

He walked off. "Just wondering if I can count Scootaloo as my best friend, I guess."

Twilight nodded, though she still didn't quite understand. "Spike, I… there have been a lot of rumors… I haven't brought it up because it's not my business… but if we're going to discuss this, I've really got to know, what's really between you and Scootaloo?"

He hesitated for a long time before answering, and didn't turn to face her. "Nothin'," he said glumly. "Things are complicated right now, but… she wouldn't dream of anything real being between us. She's invested in the plan."

"The Sweetie Belle plan," Twilight guessed.

Spike nodded.

"So it's true."

"Yeah. And I'm okay with that, I'm still into the plan too. I do still like Sweetie Belle… almost forgot about that for a moment… gave up… but Scootaloo knows that the plan is what's best for me. So… yeah. Scootaloo's my best friend, but there's no way I'm her best friend, so does that count? I wonder if I'll ever be anypony's best friend."

"That's gotta be a pretty crummy feeling," Twilight said solemnly, "thinking you like somepony more than they like you. Don't worry, Spike, everypony goes through that. Let me tell you something: I had you from an egg, kind of. And after watching you grow, caring for you… mm-hmm. There have been so many times when you were all I had going for me. And at this point… I could not live without you. So maybe you're right and we're not on equal enough ground to be best friends. But I can tell you that I care about you more than you could possibly imagine caring about me."

His chest heaving with his deep breaths, he turned around to face her, his eyes brimming with tears. "Thanks, Twilight. So… who is your best friend?"

"I have a lot of best friends," Twilight said brightly, at last opening the book he had brought her and flipping through it slowly. "You know that. Says so on the picture frame right there."

She nodded to a photograph on a nearby shelf of herself and her five friends, all of them unnaturally posed and with unfocused grins in an empty field; the photo was unusually glossy, and sat in a pink frame with blocky letters around the edge reading Do you know you're all my very best friends?

"Yeah, but what about, like, a number-one best friend?" he pressed.

"Like… a bestest friend."

"Yeah, exactly."

"Well, as ungrammatical as that is," said Twilight, "it's a subject I've explored, but there doesn't seem to be an answer, not in my situation. The six of us would have to divide ourselves into pairs for any bestest-friend relationship to be as mutual as it should be, and who would the pairs be? Applejack and Rainbow? Or would it be Rainbow and Fluttershy? Or Fluttershy and Rarity? We just all need each other in so many different ways. I don't think any of us can say we have a bestest friend."

"But, like, if you had to pick one," he urged.

"Doesn't work," she said flatly. "Can't be done." She paused. "Although… not Pinkie Pie. I love her to death, but she overstimulates me. If I had to pick one… not her."

"So there's really no picking a number-one friend for you?"

"Nope," she said. "No bestest friend. Not for me."

"Not a bad thing, I guess," he admitted.

"Yeah. I have too many equally-close best friends to pick a bestest friend, and that's not a bad thing at all. So many choices, and such riches aplenty, as they say." She giggled and glanced upward at the second floor. "Though, now that I think on it, a bestest friend doesn't have to be one of your best friends. Could just be somepony who you relate to a whole lot, even if you're not that close. You know who I think my true bestest friend could be? Venni."

"Venni?" Spike said blankly. "Who is—oh. That Venni. Armored psycho vigilante Venni, that's who you'd pick, that Venni?"

"Yeah," said Twilight, "and I'm not only saying that because she's in the room right now, but that is a factor."

"Damn it."

The young mare appeared from behind a second floor bookshelf, evidently having entered the building through Twilight's bedroom window, and began walking down the stairs. As ever, her hair, eyes, and coat were varying shades of gold; she was petite and would have looked childlike if not for her seemingly permanent snarl. Twilight had nearly forgotten how, with her strange leather body armor, she had never seen the girl's mane, cutie mark, or very much of her face. The leather gear seemed to be even more covered with deep pockets than it had before.

"Either you're really good at spotting me," said Venni, in an attempt at sounding casual; she seemed as unable to remove the snarl from her voice as her face, "or you just say that in every room and I've overheard you twice."

"No, sorry," Twilight said brightly. "I've only ever said that twice. Was right both times, it would seem."

"I'll take your word for it," said Venni. A mechanical arm sprouting from a pocket on her shoulder held up Twilight's ragged old doll, plucked from her bed. "What's this, if I may ask?"

"Smarty Pants," said Twilight. "Old doll from when I was little." As Venni looked over the doll, handling it rather carelessly, Twilight's breezy cheer at seeing her began to fade into caution.

"Not accustomed to being alone in bed, I'd wager," Venni said, an amused sneer growing on her face.

"Heh… got me," Twilight said with a nervous grin.

Venni tossed Smarty Pants into the air with the arm, neatly catching it by its leg, which ripped slightly. Catching Twilight's eye twitch, Venni tossed the doll again, where it flawlessly arced through the air back to Twilight's bed as Venni reached the foot of the stairs.

"The guy you took to the banquet," said Venni, her mechanical arm somehow retreating back into a pocket that seemed much too small for it. "You two didn't do much gettin' out of bed, did you?"

"Ah… heh… not so much, no," said Twilight, her caution beginning to give way to panic. "How do you—?"

"He ever breaks his promise," Venni interrupted, "make sure you fill me in, so I can make sure he pays."

"That won't be necessary, Venni," said Twilight. "Thank you, though."

Venni inspected the egg pedestal. The five perfectly spherical eggs were now as big as volleyballs, and decorated with new ribbons, still of two different varieties to distinguish the queens from the other three.

"Whatcha got here?" Venni asked, picking up one of the ordinary female eggs. "Ooh, it's kinda sticky…"

"Ah!" Twilight cried out. "Venni, please be careful with her! That's… that's my daughter."

Venni raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"Those are eggs, Venni," Twilight said frantically. "Changeling eggs. I stole a bunch of changeling eggs and I'm going to raise them as my daughters. Please put her back on the pedestal."

Venni shrugged and set the egg back in its place, though imperfectly; its ribbon was not parallel with the floor. Twilight's eye twitched again. "Say no more, I got it," Venni said hastily, adjusting the egg so it was set as evenly as its fellows.

"Thank you, Venni," Twilight said, releasing a tense breath.

"Hey, what's a bestest friend for?" said Venni. She winked at Spike, who had pressed himself up against a wall defensively and was eyeing her with caution.

"It's… so good to see you again, Venni," Twilight said sincerely, shaking more of the tension out of her body with a quick shake. "What brings you by?"

"Meh, I come by and watch you a lot," Venni said flippantly. "Felt bad about not touching base."

"You 'watch me a lot', do you?" Twilight whispered, the tension returning.

"Every now and then," said Venni. She laughed harshly. "I liked when you first got saddled with Discord, you took that really well. Beatin' the snot out of him, spraying his eyes with bleach. It was fantastic."

"That was not one of my finer moments," Twilight said, wincing.

"Also…" Venni continued, "I've put together something of a plan. As atonement for just hanging out in the shadows all this time, I'd like to get you in on it."

"Um… okay!" Twilight said with forced brightness.

Venni smiled and began pacing back and forth. "My investigations tell me that Crazyface has been spotted in the country. Alone."

"Well, that's odd."

"Yeah," Venni said cheerfully, though not entirely without her customary simmering rage. "Although not as odd as ponies believing me when I talk about how dangerous Crazyface is, let me tell ya. After all those towns I've been through where my warnings about him fell on deaf ears… I'd grown numb to it. Forgotten just how hateful it made me."

"Yeah," said Twilight. "I don't know if you ever… picked up on the specifics… but Vorpal Blade, he used his mind powers to, I guess, make ponies not just forget about their crimes, but also block out the very idea that they could commit crimes. And since you were tracking him, those ponies were the only ones you ever ran into. Now that he's left the country, things are different. He can't cover his tracks anymore."

Venni gulped. "So it wasn't me," she said, choked up.

"Not at all."

"I mean… I loved you for being the first to ever believe me," she rasped.

"I know the feeling," Twilight said simply.

Venni pawed at the floor absently. "Things are different now, and they're gonna keep being different. Know why? Because me and you, we're gonna catch Crazyface."

"Yes, you said something about a plan?" Twilight inquired.

Venni continued to stare at her hooves as she shuffled them for a moment. "You know Palak Paneer?" she finally said.

"The dancer?" said Twilight, puzzled.

"Yeah." From the pocket between her eyes, Venni produced a large poster and unfolded it upon Twilight's desk, revealing a promotional image of a provocatively-dressed young filly, photographed in mid-leap, bright orange with slick and shiny black hair.

"Twelve years old," said Venni, with the gravitas of a military briefing. "Dancing prodigy. Master of more types of folk dance than most folks even know exist. She's been criticized, however, for her, as it's been said, 'precocious' presentation. You can guess what they really mean when they say 'precocious', can't you? Jailbait."

"Dude, you gotta give me time to guess," Twilight said in amusement. "I was totally gonna say 'jailbait'."

Venni smirked at her. "Nice to see you're not afraid of me all the time."

"I'm not afraid of you, Venni," Twilight said hastily. "I know you're on my side, after all."

"Come on, you told your brother you're terrified of me and you knew I was listening when you did," said Venni. "Don't try to backtrack because I'm suddenly here intimidating you."

"I'm not—"

"Anyway, Palak Paneer," Venni said loudly. "A twelve-year-old filly who dances suggestively, the latest nationwide celebrity? If Crazyface has been back in Equestria for any period of time, he'll know she exists, and if he knows she exists, he'll go after her, it's what he does. So we'll go after her first, and when he comes for her, we'll be waiting for him."

Twilight tilted her head. "You're sure he'll go after her? She's awfully high-profile…"

"He'll do it," Venni said confidently. "She's his type. Gorgeous, talented, exotic, barely pubescent. Her eyes are two different colors, for goodness' sake. That is hot. He won't be able to help himself."

Twilight glanced at the poster. She hadn't noticed, but Venni had been right: Palak Paneer was wearing luminous blue eyeshadow, and her eyes were mismatched: one was gray, the other blue-green, with the latter having a strangely small pupil, a deeply obvious flaw in her otherwise striking good looks.

"Are you suggesting we use this young filly as… as bait?" Twilight said in concern.

"I'm not gonna let him get her, Twilight," Venni spat. "What do you think I am? After what he did to me? No way." Her voice grew ragged and dangerous as she lowered her head. "If I can protect just one filly from him before I take him down, I will."

"Of course you will," Twilight said softly. "I'm sorry."

"I'd like to kill everypony who's even looked at this girl impurely, but who has the time?" Venni said flippantly, examining the poster.

"Who indeed."

Venni threw up her front hooves purposefully, cracking her wrists. "There's a huge event this weekend, in Fillydelphia," she said. "Two thousand tickets have already been sold, and they're expecting way more. It's a carnival-concert-fair-circus… thing, and Palak Paneer is gonna be performing. I can guarantee you that Crazyface is gonna be there too, and we're gonna find him there and get him. You, me, all your friends, we'll make an outing of it. We'll take the son of a bitch down."

"Fillydelphia?" said Twilight, wincing. "Ugh, the girls and I just got back from Vanhoover… ah, fine. I guess a hero's work is never done."

"Yup," Venni agreed. She looked at Twilight interestedly, tilting her head. "Don't forget, I don't do this for myself anymore. I do it for you. Catching Crazyface will be a nice place to start, and will certainly be gratifying for me personally, but you won't see me relaxing or celebrating a job well done when we've got him. No, after that, I'm gonna keep going, I'm gonna go after Vorpal Blade, because he's the one who hurt you."

Twilight closed her eyes. "Thank you, Venni."

"Maybe you could come with me," Venni suggested, sidling closer. "You know? Hunt him down together. A duo: Vengeance Lash and Twilight Scalpel."

Twilight laughed. "That does sound badass, but I couldn't. I could hardly go on the road and hunt him with you. I kind of have a life."

They stared at each other in awkward silence for a long moment.

"Sorry," Twilight said, flinching again.

"No, you're right," said Venni, nodding slowly. "Fair enough. You have your life, I have mine. You can't come with me on mine, it's that simple."

"I… I do hope it doesn't stay your life, Venni," Twilight murmured. "There's gonna be a lot more for you out there once this is done."

"Maybe," said Venni. "Maybe not. Maybe vengeance is all I have. After all… I've started to wonder why I was the only one who ever remembered what Vorpal Blade and co would do to a community. I'm starting to think it was the strength of my hate that let me shrug off whatever it is he does. And if hate is what I have, it might have to be what I do, and what I am. Plus, I've never even used half of the gadgets I keep in all these pockets. It would be a shame to retire them. But, anyway, let's just think about one plan at a time, shall we? Let's try to get some decent proximity to the sheep and wait for the wolf to show up."

Venni gazed at the poster. "I'm gonna save her," she said gravely. "In more ways than one, if I can."

"What do you mean?"

"Trust me on this, Twilight: nopony becomes the world's greatest dancer at the age of twelve because they wanted to," Venni said confidently. "Somepony looked at her early on in life and smelled a gold mine, and that somebody whipped her into shape, I guarantee it."

She spoke directly to the poster. "Every little thing you do screams it out to me. Somepony molded you into their perfect little talent machine, and when you're old and your novelty's worn off, she's gonna ditch you and say you should be more grateful for everything she did for you." She grinned. "And then… well, then you'll end up as crazy as I am! I won't let that happen. I'll save you."

Twilight shifted uncomfortably. "…Should I feel bad about owning your records?" she asked sheepishly.

"Hey… gift from me to you. I like you. If what was done to me made music that makes you happy, maybe it was worth it."

"Mmm. Well, it does," Twilight said reassuringly. "I listen to it a lot. It's great for studying. Who is this 'she' that pushed you into it? Was it your mother?"

"She was my manager," Venni said tonelessly. "My coach. And she, you know, gave birth to me, but calling her my mother? That's giving her a bit too much credit. Do me a favor." She gestured aggressively toward the eggs. "If any of your daughters over there show any talent, don't squeeze them for every last red cent, won't you? Me, if I never sing another note in my life it'll be too soon. It used to be fun."

"Twilight's not that kind of mother," Spike said instantly, speaking for the first time since Venni had appeared. "I mean, not that I would know, she's not my mother…"

"At least do better with them than you did with him," Venni sneered. "Always fetching your books, writing your lists and letters for you, hell of a way to raise a minor."

"She didn't do anything wrong with me," said Spike, wounded.

"That's the spirit, kid," Venni said dismissively. "All right, I will… see you in the morning?"

"Ah, Venni," Twilight said in surprise. "Did you… do you have a place to stay? Where are you going?"

"Outdoors," Venni said flatly as she started for the door. "Beds give me nightmares."

"Ooookay," said Twilight. "In the morning, then?"

"Yeah. Get all your friends. We'll go to the festival. Have some… justice. Some vengeance. Some vengestice."

Twilight snorted with laughter, and Venni gave her a small smile in appreciation.

"Although, when I say all your friends," she said hastily, "maybe not the pregnant one. We don't want her to get hurt. That was a nice picnic you guys had the other day, by the way. Real cute."

"Ah… yeah," Twilight said uncomfortably. "Glad you could… be there. Goodnight, Venni."

"Night, Twi. We'll have Crazyface in our hooves before the weekend's out."

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Endnotes

I made the decision, a mind-bogglingly long freakin' time ago now, that Venni would not appear in Part Two. I can't recall why, but now I'm glad. She fits much better in the story's current climate than she would have elsewhere. It would have been pretty shoehornish, I think, to have attempted any use of her beyond her mention and tiny cameo in that five-subplots-at-once banquet chapter. Yes, last time she appeared this was a very different story.