Romance and the Fate of Equestria

All right! Time for that long-awaited Pie family chapter at last. It's something of a mix of the old and the new. For a year or two, it was fanon that Pinkie's sisters were named Inkie and Blinkie and that their parents were Clyde and Sue, for obvious reasons. I liked Inkie and Blinkie, but never much cared for Clyde and Sue; I've always been against ponies having overly-human names.

Some time ago, a chapter book revealed that the parents were named Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz, "Inkie" was Marble, "Blinkie" was Limestone, and that there was a mysterious fourth, eldest Pie sister. All of that was canonized over the course of Seasons 4 and 5, but way before that, knowing that the parents at long last had official and more pony-sounding names gave me confidence that they could indeed make an appearance in the fic, with those new names, while at the same time I am using the names Inkie and Blinkie… and I'm keeping what Inkie and Blinkie were often said to be short for, despite my aforementioned dislike of human names. I'm erratic, but decisive.

I wish I could have included Maud, but as far as Season 2 canon is concerned, Pinkie only has two sisters, so my hands are tied. Which is sad, because I think Maud is just about the sexiest thing ever… or she was, until Marble. Now Marble is the sexiest thing ever. But it's been well-established in the RFE-verse that Marble is Inkie, who is Octavia, so, again, hands tied.

The Pie family episode didn't ruin this chapter as much as I feared it would (though Limestone's attitude is markedly similar to what I'd had in mind for the same character). Season 5's Gilda episode, however, stole a joke from this chap which, of course, I'm using anyway, 'cause I did it better.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Six

Pinkie and Octavia walked down a stony, well-worn path, kicking up white dust with every step. They were bearing heavy pots of food, and kept their eyes firmly on the flat land on either side of them, neither of them all too keen to look toward what was ahead.

"Train back to Ponyville leaves in five minutes," Pinkie said helpfully. "Last chance to turn back and just split this potluck dinner between the two of us."

"We're not turning back, Pinkie Pie," Octavia chided.

"Fine…"

They proceeded down the road, which was soon lined with rows of potato plants, their leaves barely peeking out over the soil.

As the farmhouse came into view, someone was waiting for them at the edge of the property, a blue-gray mare with a pale gray mane, glaring at them with a thin-lipped scowl.

Once they came within a few feet of the mare, Octavia and Pinkie stopped walking and waited awkwardly for her to say something.

The mare aimed her steely expression directly at Octavia. "Isabelle," she said coldly.

"Elizabeth," Octavia replied, in a failed attempt to return the greeting in a more cordial tone.

After another uncomfortable silence, Pinkie chirped, "Pinkamena!"

Both of her sisters turned to glare at her, and Pinkie shrugged, blushing lightly. "I know it's the cheapest joke ever, but you guys walked right into it."

Entirely ignoring her remark, Blinkie addressed Pinkie. "I didn't think you'd show up. Mom and Dad will be so… surprised."

"Oh, come on," Pinkie said guiltily. "They knew I'd come… didn't they?"

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Not long after, all five members of the Pie family were gathered around a table. Pinkie ladled the meal onto her plate; the dinner was very potato-heavy.

"Potatoes…" Pinkie cursed under her breath.

"Something wrong, Pinkie?" said Octavia. Her accent had vanished since they had entered the company of their family.

"It's okay, I brought my own marshmallows," said Pinkie, sprinkling tiny pink marshmallows over the sautéed peas and onions.

"Good," Octavia said, unfazed. "And for an after-dinner snack, I brought popcorn."

"And I wholeheartedly support that," Pinkie replied, winking.

Octavia giggled, to the confusion of the rest of the family. "Inside joke," she said apologetically.

"Inside joke?" said Blinkie. "So we haven't heard from Pinkie in years, but you have inside jokes."

Octavia averted her eyes nervously. "You know Pinkie and I have always been close."

"Me and Octavia travel in the same circles," Pinkie added. "We're tight."

"Apparently so," Blinkie muttered into her food.

Pinkie and Octavia glanced at each other nervously… then did so again and again as the silence stretched.

"Ahem… so, Pinkie," their father said, "Inkie tells us your career has changed direction."

"Uh, kinda," Pinkie said in relief. "I mean, I'm still a baker. But I've been bartending too, and, uh, yeah, I'm an actress. I'm working on a horror movie."

Octavia beamed at Pinkie before getting up and heading to the stove to prepare the popcorn.

"Horror, you say?" Igneous said with interest. "One of my favorite sorts of literature. I've heard it translates to cinema quite well. What sort of story is it?"

"Well, it's a Bonny Blu adaptation, actually," said Pinkie.

"Truly? A film of Cupcakes?"

"They made that last year," said Pinkie. "I'm doing the sequel."

"Hmm," he said, impressed. "I can't imagine… who are you playing? Any noteworthy character?"

Pinkie swallowed her mouthful of food before replying, "Bonny."

He reeled back in surprise. "Remarkable! A literary classic… I haven't cracked open a Bonny tome in years…" He wandered over to a dusty, claw-footed cabinet, and opened it up to reveal a collection of dusty, worn paperbacks. "I wonder if I still have… yes, there they are! Every one of them."

"Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed, racing to his side. "You have the whole series? I've been trying to find them so I could study them, but they're really hard to get a hold of!" She paused, and slowly turned to face her father. "Dad…" she said nervously, "can I borrow these for research?"

"Of course, Pinkie."

Pinkie squeaked in delight and pulled the six books out of the shelf, stacking them on the table. "Thanks, Dad…" she said. "Octavia, look! The whole series!"

Octavia nodded, beaming. "I didn't know you were looking for those. I'd have told you sooner that you could have found them here."

Blinkie's eyes darted suspiciously between Octavia and Pinkie. "Why do you call her 'Octavia'?" she said sharply.

Pinkie shrugged. "It's her name, isn't it?"

"No. It's not what Mom and Dad called her. Even 'Inkie Pie' is a stretch."

"Well, she prefers Octavia," Pinkie said defensively. "Pony names are too magical and powerful for everypony to stick with the one they're given. Sometimes you gotta make up your own."

"I'm still Inkie Pie," Octavia said hastily. "I didn't get rid of it altogether. But most of the time, yes, I am Octavia."

Pinkie looked around at the family. "They didn't know that?"

"Well, we do now," Blinkie mused.

"I don't mind being called Inkie Pie," Octavia said shyly. "I didn't want to trouble them."

"All this time, when you sent us records with 'Octavia Melody' on them, I thought that was the name of your band," their mother remarked.

"No. I'm a solo act. Octavia Melody is my name."

"Well, it suits you, dear," their mother said, beaming.

Octavia's lip quivered, and her accent returned as she spoke emotionally. "Oh… thanks, Mum. Thanks very much."

"What's that voice?" Blinkie demanded.

"Just an accent I've been cultivating for years," said Octavia. "It's easier for me."

Pinkie jostled Octavia playfully. "You gotta be yourself, Octy." Her eyes drifting back to the many books remaining on the shelves. "Ooh! Look at all of these! Oh, this big Old West saga… all twenty-four books of it! And… is that Journey to the Farthest Star? Wow…"

"You always loved my books," Igneous said fondly. "Even when you were too young to really understand them."

Pinkie nodded. "Yeah, I was. I realize that whenever I think back on them… I didn't even know you had these." She bobbed her head back toward the Bonny Blu books.

"Well, the top shelf was just for me," he said wryly.

"But yeah… I did always love your stories," Pinkie said wistfully, gently touching the spine of one of the Western books. "I… I should read these again."

"You're welcome to come back and do that anytime, Pinkie," her father said warmly.

Pinkie smiled nervously. "I… I will."

Cloudy Quartz put a hoof to her heart and gave a small smile, then turned her head toward Octavia. "Oh, Inkie? I'll keep an eye on the popcorn for you. Why don't you show your sister your old bedroom? Rekindle some memories."

Octavia's eyes lit up. "Sure thing, Mum," she said. "Pinkie, care to take a look at our old room?"

Pinkie gasped. "Do I!"

"…Do you?"

"I do. I really do."

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"Wow," Pinkie breathed as they stepped into the bedroom, one the two of them had shared long ago. "They kept it exactly as we left it. It's not even dusty."

Octavia nodded. "It's been quite well-maintained."

"Ooh, nice-lookin' phonograph," said Pinkie, carefully inspecting a record player. "Heyyy, is this that record you made when you were in the fifth grade?"

"Oh, sweet Celestia, you remember that?" Octavia said in horror.

"I remember everything about everypony, little sister," said Pinkie. "Let's play it!"

"No, no… let's not and say we did…"

"Come on," Pinkie pressed, "your songs were good."

"Noooo, they weren't."

"Come onnnnn, you were ten, it's cute!"

"I wasn't going for 'cute'," Octavia grumbled.

"That's why it's cute!" Pinkie insisted. She hopped up onto the bed and sang, "For my true love, I would face an army! I would fight a dragon, and cut him right in twoooo…"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up…"

Pinkie giggled and held up another record. "How about this one?"

Octavia checked the label. "Hmm. I don't know… no, wait, I remember this, this is Vinyl's work from around that same time. She gave it to me. Let's give it a listen…"

They popped it into the record player, and a deafening dubstep beat immediately began playing… behind the very song Pinkie had just been singing.

"It's the same song!" Pinkie guffawed. "She remixed your album! You two were always the cutest!"

Octavia sighed. "I suppose we were. My juvenile lyrics do work better with a dubstep beat."

They danced to the beat for a few moments before noticing that Blinkie was standing in the doorway, glaring harshly at them.

"Blinkie!" Pinkie squeaked, falling off the bed.

"Are you okay?" Octavia said nervously.

"No, I'm not okay," Blinkie growled. "All these years, my only comfort was that I thought you two were as distant with each other as you are with me—us. Mom and Dad and me. But look at you. Reminiscing about mutual friends. Inside jokes about popcorn, of all things. How could you? How—how COULD you?"

Octavia and Pinkie exchanged a glance. "Erm…" Octavia said hesitantly. "What did we—?"

"YOU LEFT ME!" Blinkie roared. "Without you two… it's just me and them. I can't leave the farm, because you two already did! I'd leave Mom and Dad broken-hearted! There's so much I wanted to do with my life! Now that's all gone, thanks to my two big sisters not caring about anyone but themselves! You don't care who you abandoned as long as you're living your dreams! And you are. So you could never understand what things are like for me."

Pinkie fought back a lump in her throat, and Octavia said, "Blinkie, sweetie, we… we had no idea. We always thought you loved it here."

"Are you kidding?" Blinkie choked out. "It's torture."

"But you were always such a… you know," said Pinkie. "A model member of the family. A perfect farm worker. That's why Mom and Dad always liked you best."

Blinkie sobbed. "I know! Why didn't you like me?"

"Blinkie, we love you!" Octavia exclaimed. "You're our little sister."

"We thought you didn't like us," Pinkie said solemnly. "With the way Mom and Dad preferred you, it always felt like it was me and Inkie against you."

Blinkie's jaw dropped and she made a helpless, strangled noise. "Why… why would I ever be against you? You're my big sisters. You were my whole world. Do you have any idea what it's like, growing up adoring, even worshiping, two ponies who… who snub you at every turn? Who leave you the moment they get the opportunity?"

"B-Blinkie," Octavia stammered, a tear coming to her eye. "We never intended to snub you. Is that truly how you view our childhood?" She shook her head sadly. "That's not how I remember it at all. I'm so sorry."

"Poor Blinkie," Pinkie pouted. "My poor baby sister. I've always missed you. I never came back because I thought you didn't want me to—" The sentence immediately gave way to incomprehensible blubbering as tears started gushing out of her eyes, and she raced over to hug Blinkie tightly.

Blinkie tried to respond, but she too was unintelligible behind her sobs. All three of them embraced, carrying on some semblance of a conversation, unable to get a word through their tears and heavy breathing until Pinkie finally managed, "D-d-d-do you w-w-wanna come play with us?"

Blinkie nodded vigorously, and the three of them collapsed on Pinkie's old bed, trying to regain their composure.

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Endnotes

Hmm, you know, I pictured a hilarious scene of them all blubbering hysterically, but that gag doesn't really work in writing. Lesson learned.

In case it wasn't clear, the "stolen" joke I referred to was the old Rocky Horror roll-call joke where a bunch of character's say each other's names—specifically the typical parody that ends in someone saying their own name. I find that the "Lost Treasure of Griffonstone" example, like nearly all examples, didn't go nearly far enough, in my opinion. One of the more famous examples, Shrek 2, is one of the few that did it right. Most others tend to go only two names before hitting the punch line, and that just falls flat, if you ask me.

Of course, I only did two names, but I thought a nice exotic workaround was that it used the real names of characters who generally only go by nicknames. That spiced it up, I was proud. So, that's my advice to anyone wishing to do that joke: spice it up. "The Mane Attraction" offered an interesting spicing-up as well. Just FYI, substituting "Donkey!" for the final character's actual name doesn't qualify as spicing it up. Thus concludes today's comedy lesson. Or, you know, lesson on my opinion on comedy.